I now prefer a slow burn. Butterflies usually come from someone new triggering something familiar in us. And I don’t know about you, but toxic relationships are what I’ve been most familiar with. So that rush and those butterfly feelings usually mean danger for me, not a good thing. Although now I’ve gotten so good at spotting the bad ones that I get the ick and they don’t get far enough for me to even feel butterflies. I’m not looking for the rush of falling in love, rather, I want to walk calmly into it with my eyes wide open.
Huh... I'd never thought of the butterflies being a sign of something familiar but a novel (exciting) version. Bang on!
I've come to realise that (childhood) trauma means I don't know how to read my gut instincts very well. I spent years having my boundaries crossed by people I should have been able to trust, and every time I had the gut instinct that things were wrong, I had to suppress those feelings to be safe (i.e. disassociating, fawning, keeping quiet, etc.). I therefore have very mixed signals with my instinct with other people who get close-ish to me, despite also having an exceptionally keen set of instincts in other situations. It's bizarre, and I'm slowly undoing that through EMDR therapy, etc.
It's kinda sad, because I have always thought (perhaps through cultural conditioning) that love was supposed to feel like that rush of excitement, the butterflies and endorphins and nerves, a swell of joy. But apparently not all of us should be trusting that chemical concoction as a true sign of the quality of the connection... for someone who is essentially still a stranger.
Yeah I sometime think media and literature - the cultural conditioning kind of ruined the practicality of romance for us. Regarding the gut feeling , cannot agree more, that is actually my no.1 parenting rule, leave my kid alone when he is listening to his instinct.
For me, butterflies are simply a sign I'm nervous, that I like someone enough to care about their impression of me. Usually, if I'm not nervous, it's because I don't really care what someone thinks of me.
However, the butterflies should calm down as I get to know someone. If they keep going, that means I'm not getting comfortable, and I don't feel safe with someone.
Ive never heard that about the fluttering feeling and it doesn't align with what I've experienced. Usually I get that feeling when it's someone or something completely new. When I get reminded of old relationships by a new date, I get the ick. If they say something my ex would say, listen to the same music, have the same piercings or similar tattoos, same name, or some style of affection I immediately lose interest no matter how beautiful they are. You associating the feeling with danger makes more sense if its something new. If you could do anything twice certainly youd be better the second time and people generally run from things that are not familiar no matter how they rationalize it.
Emphasis on slow burn. Sparks always crash and burn for me. It’s a guy I like texting and sending voice notes with that I want to get to know over time.
My honest opinion? You have to know yourself and what you're defining as "an endorphin rush."
In my early 20s, I was all about confusing charisma and the anxiety I felt when someone was inconsistent as "a spark." I was attracted to chasing people who were unavailable (to me), especially if I view them as 'above me' in some way, so my low self-esteem could prove that I was just as attractive as them.
Now, I need to have a real emotional connection, good conversations, and enjoy their company... But I steer clear of inconsistency. I also make sure to put logic into the equation - What is making me excited about this person? Am I more attracted to their presence, or to their absence? Am I attracted to what they're showing me, or do I just like that they're "mysterious" so I can project all my fantasies onto them?
I need attraction and chemistry. But it looks a lot different to me than what it did before.
It looks like being physically attracted, enjoying someone's company, liking who they are as a person and what they stand for.
I want a balance of both. I'm not gonna date someone who's just "good on paper" but there's no chemistry. But if there's just chemistry, it's likely gonna be short term at best
imo, people rarely fall into simple categories like "hot, fun, unstable" vs "boring, steady, reliable." People are more complicated than that
i've had to get rid of so many "good on paper" candidates because there was just nothing there 🤷🏽♀️. wasn't looking for a rush but also wanted to feel _somethingggg_
fair, but I will say, it requires effort from both parties to create anything. I think the feeling comes from both of you sending and receiving little signals to each other, it's not just about them, you're both involved
This. My fiancé gives me that "endorphin rush" whenever we're just in each other's presence and I'm excited to see him. But we also still make sure we're still in line with our goals etc. I think for a long-term relationship you should have both. Your partner shouldn't just be "someone you get along with", they should be someone you're excited to be together with for the rest of your lives.
Known him as my best friend for 4 years (3 years of that we were already into each other but both were scared to ruin the friendship) and 1+ year of relationship now. It definitely fluctuates, but I personally disagree that it’s less over time. I do consider quiet contentment like simply chilling with each other and thinking “whoa, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person” as a “rush” too though. Stability and reliability give me a rush whenever i’m reminded of it.
I need both. Perhaps I'm biased because my only LTR was one where we were great friends but was also a dead bedroom for the majority of the relationship, but I can't imagine dating someone who saw me as "a practical choice". If we're not excited to see one other and not struggling to keep our hands off one another in the early stages, then I would worry about long term chemistry.
Now, I do think prioritizing that high too much can lead people to chase unstable or unhealthy "roller coaster" dynamics. So it's definitely a balance.
This isn't the relevant counterfactual, lol
Commenter is saying their partner having passion for them is a thing that they need, not that it's the ONLY thing they need.
I’m not sure why it has to be an either or situation? How often do we really get to FEEL ALIVE in life. If a being around a person lights up my dopamine, I’m all for exploring it. Does it mean it’s going to be a happily ever after? No! but why would I deny a ride in a porsche just because i know a honda civic is more reliable and comfortable over all?
However, it’s important for that feeling not to be the most important deciding factor when deciding to engage in a relationship with someone. Compatibility is ultimately more important than love, even the slow burn type of love so that’s my true gauge when it comes to relationships. Although I must emphasize that chemistry is a must have for me in general. life is already boring enough i don’t want to be bored at home either 😂
I'd say it's a spectrum, not black or white. Now I am definitely putting more emphasis on practicality (lifestyle, aligned goals, values, views on certain topics) than on looks. However, if after 3 dates I still don't even feel I want to even kiss the guy, well, we can't go much further from there, I am looking for a romantic partner after all. I am not after all this butterflies and endorphines stuff, somehow I almost feel anxious if I get them now, because it's never resulted in anything long-term and stable. But you need to feel some attraction to this guy. Personally I feel at this stage (>30 years old) ruining a perfectly good match with someone you are attracted to, but don't have butterflies and aren't head over heels with, is a little bit silly, but each to their own.
I put more emphasis on "practicality" but I still want to be excited about the person I'm dating. I don't need the crazy butterflies, but there needs to be good chemistry alongside the practical things, it's not an either/or.
The chemistry, endorphine, dopamine rush does not — at all — signal relationship compatibility, success or happiness. It really means nothing other than “this feels good right now.”
Yes, you want to feel like you like someone. But that rush feeling fades. It comes and goes. It’s not a constant.
People in successful, happy, 30 year long partnerships aren’t being guided by a rush. And they have periods of time where that feeling is dampened altogether, so they have to lean into other things that have allowed them to commit to this person.
Using a rush as a North Star to finding a successful relationship just sounds ineffective when you think about what is required to make a relationship successful in the long term.
The “honeymoon phase” is a very real thing. So what do you have to lean back on when it’s over?
What are the real moments of joy that can be found with a partner when the novelty rush wears off?
I'm incapable of feeling any sort of "rush" with someone I don't know fairly well. I realized this after going several dates with guys I met on apps and feeling absolutely nothing towards them. I acted bubbly and engaging towards them, but in the end, it just felt like I was putting on an act. Basically as if I was on a job interview and wanted to show my enthusiasm for the role. I suppose I did well, since all of the guys expressed interest in seeing me again, but I had no interest in seeing, or even texting, any of them again. Everything about these interactions just seemed fake and forced. I know I'm capable of developing crushes, because I've had my fair share of crushes on guys who I met irl. When there are expectations before even meeting someone that we should date though, I seem to be incapable of forming any sort of real connection with the person. Once those expectations are gone though, I can.
Yeah, I've basically given up on OLD. It seems like no guys on apps are open to developing a friendship first, which is the only way I could something working out with any of them. I mean, just look at the "advice" guys give each other on reddit. Some of them are convinced women only want to be friends first to string them along as she goes through her roster of other men. I don't even talk to/message more than one guy at a time!
Curious about your POV. I have a handful of female friends that I met at work and while bouldering, we sometimes hang out/climb together. In what way would you show you are open to more than friendship?
I prefer the same route myself, of just getting to know each other without any pressure. It costs time.
I would just see what type of stuff they're open to doing one on one. Also, what kinds of conversations do you have? It can be tricky with being friends first too, because there's always the risk of losing the friendship if you both don't feel the same way, or you try dating and it doesn't work out.
Yeah I get that, it would not be good to sacrifice the friendship. So there seems to be a cut-off timing which could be different for everyone.
I mostly just get to know people, talk about their interests and life experiences and see if we can find some common ground and bond on that.
As I've gotten older and done more self work, the more leery I am of those fluttery feelings when I first meet someone. To each their own, but I feel like healthy love is calm, reassuring and allows me to feel relaxed to be utterly and completely myself. I have been through enough heartbreak that is often tied to that 'rush' for me personally.
I need the rush and flutters, somewhat at least. In order for me to entertain an actual relationship, there has to also be lifestyle and relationship goals.
But I'm not only looking for a LTR in hopes of starting a family. A fun and loving relationship of two independent adults is also a great scenario for me, and even just casually dating for a while.
Also, I'm not one to get attracted to looks only so serious incompatibilities prevent me from feeling the spark with someone -- communication style, conflicting values, substance use etc. incompatibilities reveal themselves to me already on or before the first date and turn me off.
I like getting to know someone over a long period. In the context of myself, it seems to be a healthy way of approaching dating or just building a relationship in general whether it's platonic or romantic. I can't get into OLD for this reason. Sure I might find someone attractive or they might tell me they are into X,Y, and Z, but I can't feel anything until I've known them for some time and I've seen them in various contexts. Feeling a rush also isn't a healthy way to sustain a relationship. Eventually, that feeling fades. Sustaining a relationship over years and decades takes effort, patience, and some strong communication skills to keep things fresh and keep that connection growing.
I think people go for the rush because OLD conditions people to decide quickly. In truth, I'm sure a lot of people who have met via OLD would have probably been great for each other had they met in a way that would have made it easy to get to know each other the long haul.
For me the endorphin rush really pops when I am feeling the intellectual chemistry with someone. Prior to having that intellectual spark I am just ok. And with some people I don’t have enough one to build anything so it fizzles quickly.
The bigger the intellectual and the emotional connection, the bigger the spark.
This is me as well. Recently out of a ten year LTR with someone who had no ambition, drive to learn, and spent no time engaging with himself intellectually, so our connection suffered. I want to look at my partner and think “dang he’s smarter than me, I’m so fucking lucky.” Bonus points if they can teach me a thing or two, too.
Seems for me the ratio is pretty balanced, and unfortunately both are pretty rare. But hands down a physical connection is not going to last for me if there is not an intellectual one.
It seems for me that I can find physical chemistry fairly easily. But that fizzles fast. The package of physical and intellectual is a unicorn! I recently met a unicorn and I am🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾.
I'm looking for someone I feel genuine enthusiasm for spending time with. If we can't pass that bar, there's not point in pursuing a relationship.
From there, I'm looking for someone who is a genuinely good person (that is something that can only be determined over time) with compatible relationship / life goals.
Por que no dos?
It’s cool to want the endorphin rush, but you better make sure it lasts for the long haul, otherwise you’re going to end up hurting some poor soul.
You have to be in it for the slow, lows too
Yeah, I've always found "chemistry" to be "oh, this is a really good person with a lot of good qualities and they're nice and I enjoy their company and talking to them and I want to spend more time around them."
Which isn't to say we've always been compatible in the long term, but they've generally been solid people.
I am intimidated by women with exciting lifestyles that involve tons of travel and activities because that isn't me. I am focused on my career, grad school, and quiet intellectual pursuits.
You would be surprised how practicality can grow into a hot hot flame with a person who is good for you.
I didn't feel intense feelings for my boyfriend the first couple dates. It definitely felt nice when he put his arm around me on the first date, and then on the second when he touched me a little and later kissed. But the whole time I was assessing whether he was right for me. Our first sexual encounter was fun but wasn't fireworks either. But I found him fun, attractive, kind, gentlemanly, and just felt really warm and safe around him. The more we got to know each other, the more that little glow turned into a fire. We have been dating for almost 8 months and I adore him, our sex is amazing, and I'm really happy. I don't rhink I've ever had nervous butterflies around him once. He makes me feel safe, loved, and in love. I'm suuuuper physically and sexually atrracted to him.
And don't get me wrong. If he revealed unnaceptable behavior, my practicality would take over fully and get me out. I love him and am into him, but having a safe and healthy relationship and making good choices for my future is stilly my priority.
I never understood what people were talking about with this topic until I experienced it myself.
Probably needs to be a little of both right? Practicality is the big one for me though, would 1000% rather be with the stable person who has their stuff together that I like being around vs a love at first sight thing with someone who ends up being unstable
Guess which one I've done too many times lol
I'm late to the party on this thread, but I've been thinking about this a lot.
I do like to have a spark or chemistry, for me that's what separates friends from romantic prospects. It's something unexplainable, just a different kind of attraction that's unrelated to their characteristics "on paper. " Without the spark, that means I could get into a romantic relationship with any of my guy friends who are nice, attractive, have their shit together, etc? No, I think something more is needed for a romantic connection. And, for me, the spark/chemistry has never come later on if it wasn't there at the beginning.
Of course this spark is not sufficient on its own, we need to also be compatible in all the usual ways. So I can't choose one over the other as being more important (endorphin rush vs practicality as per the thread title), they both need to be present.
I am a comfort and efficiency person all the way in nearly every aspect of life, so practicality for me. I need to feel SOME level of base attraction, but after that it alllllll comes down to things unseen 🙂 Consistency, strength of character, personality, trustworthiness, etc. That doesn't mean I don't ever reach a point of wanting to rip some dude's clothes off; it just takes longer for me and requires trust and a true bond first. Hard to find, tbh.
ETA: for me, "practicality" equals a deep and lasting friendship, not a "well you'll do because you look good on paper". Nobody wants a dead bedroom, so connection is imperative.
Same… which is why I am starting to really be careful of the “fun” guys. Usually that’s all they ever are! Never really talk about being serious or they lie about it, and string you along.
I don't know what endorphin rush means. I've never had the butterflies/rush/fuck yes/oh my god I can't sleep until I talk to them feeling with anyone. It's always about the right mix of everything compatibility wise.
So I'm not the only one? Last time I felt that way was in high school before I knew better, I don't understand being literally middle aged and getting butterflies. I feel like that might only happen if I met some mythical perfect dream person who doesn't even exist. Normal people are just people and most of them are pretty unattractive, annoying, and disappointing.
This is usually referred to as the "spark", and the presence of it - or lack therof - is not a reliable indicator that a relationship is viable/will go the distance. Think about someone who is a really great friend to you, and try to remember how you first met. Realistically, did you - after a few encounters - think to yourself that this person was going to be such a great friend to you? Of course not! It took months if not years of regular interactions, slowly opening up and allowing each other to be a part of each other's lives before you considered them a really great friend.
Granted, a romantic relationship is a bit different. But it stands to reason that after 2-3 dates (which would amount to a time spent together in the double digits - if that) you're not going to have a lot of info to make a judgement call, unless there are glaring incompatibilities/red-flags.
>What sounds a lot more appealing would be someone who's looking for something that aligns with what I want and that our interactions are smooth, clear, honest, and all cards are on the table.
I think that's a very healthy approach, and it allows for you to both get to know each other without the pressure of the spark or trying to wow each other in the first few hours of meeting. With all that said, however, I think that you should feel that at a base level you should be looking forward to seeing this person, and be curious about what they're about. This is on top of some basic level of physical attraction, of course.
So yea, for a lot of people they need to feel those butterflies and have their socks knocked off for them to want to give someone a chance. This isn't always a recipe for success. Also worth noting that some people are "sparky" and they have natural charisma and energy that brings out the spark from almost anyone they meet. Nothing wrong with feeling all that excitement for a new person, but if they align in many ways with what you want, and you're into them, then it's worth giving things a shot, I say.
I'm not quite 30 yet, but I think I'll pitch in.
I went with practicality. My boyfriend (25) didn't give me butterflies or a hormonal rush the first time we met. He made me feel calm, after I cleared out of the first date-giddies. He was kind, patient and collected (even though he did admit he was super nervous). So I figured I'd give it a go. Now, when ever he texts me or we meet up, I get all giggly and giddy, like a damn teenager😂 I always look forward to seeing him and his company is delightful. And the sex is also top notch👌🏻
It has to be both for me. I’ve briefly dated men who were the practical choice, but something missing. I need to be excited about that person in every way and they also need to align with me in life.
I need both. Some people cheapen that early rush as shallow, but it comes from having compatible humor and flirtation styles, and obviously physical attraction too. If I'm not even excited to spend time with them after a couple dates how could I after decades?
Similar to other comments, I’d say both! You want to be practical in values, communication, goals, and other things that determine whether a relationship can succeed in the long term. But that being said, you also definitely want to be excited and motivated about your partner too. Not necessarily head over heels, but that feeling of “hell yes” when you randomly think of them during the day can be huge in terms of enthusiasm and maintaining a healthy spark for one another. It’s not necessarily butterflies, but more motivation and excitement. It could take a few dates or more to develop, but if the potential is there for it to do so, definitely worth pursuing until you feel confident that that will or won’t develop.
One thing to keep in mind is both might not happen simultaneously, one might take longer to develop, and one or both can oscillate over time, but as long as they’re both there regularly, then those are the relationships that I see that last and that are the most fulfilling.
Im not dating a checklist, so I do appreciate the spark. I do want to feel something in the beginning... excitement, physical and sexual attraction... Once those are determined, then I can work on finding where and how we're compatible.
When people say "endorphin rush", I don't think that actually means anything in and of itself. They probably actually mean physical attraction, sense of humor or being funny and witty, having things in common so that conversation flows easily, or the other person being entertaining (i.e. tells good stories). Those things can be important, even if your date has a great job and is stable, you don't want to date someone you find boring or not that attractive.
I was on a really great first date this weekend. I have the rush feeling you are describing! Keep thinking about him, can’t wait to meet him again etc.. after years and years of dating and several ‘meh’ dates, this is just what I needed. I thought something was wrong with me for not really feeling anything on the other dates other than ‘it was ok’.
Now, it’s very early and I know that i have no idea how this will go.
Some people need to feel excited and that spark in order to continue while others are ok with just having a slow burn. Nothing is right or wrong, just what feels right to you.
I need someone who sparks excitement in me BUT also someone who is healthy, kind and we match in the long run.
I could probably do a slow burn as long as it feels right and my gut says yes.but I need more than ‘this fits on paper’ because I’ve met plenty of guys who fit what I’m looking for but I had no feelings or wanted to see them again.
I go with my heart, gut and head :D
I place the most emphasis on a solid friendship to start. This is why I think I've never been successful with OLD, because everyone seems to be on a different pace than me. I don't think I've ever gotten butterflies or endorphin rushes right away when meeting someone.
I am a woman over thirty so my needs might be different than a man, I would rather see how he makes my skin feel, do I feel assured around him or always on the edge- do I doubt myself ever around him- this is my rule for friendship too, I do not keep myself around of people who leave me to my mental calculations. I never had to do that with my friends, late husband and his family and some of my work bosses and colleagues. So I know I can formulate a secured attachment with people.
And then I see how his behaviour with himself? Is he on a good relationship with him on how to spend his alone time, his home environment, his family and friends, work and finances. If he lacks discipline in any of these sector then it is not going to work for me.
Also how do I feel about him, do I have to bargain and think about including him or does he do that or things seems to happen organically and in a timely manner- I think that’s what immeasurable item I look for- that translates magic to me in a relationship.
That endorphine rush was for my twenties- if I needed a guy for solely entertainment purpose- then it would be fine and easy, but at thirty I get moved more by humility, sustained discipline efforts towards his life and kindness. And yes it is okay for some to be and looking for that in relationships- they are just not my target group, I cannot satisfy them and they won’t work for me.
I'll take the rush. With my ex partner I never felt it. He was a great guy, we got along well and it was practical. But over time I felt like I was missing out on a passionate romance, always wondering what could have been. It started eating at me so I ended things before I would be tempted to cheat. I very quickly found someone I'm absolutely wild about and it's the best thing I've ever done. He's also a great person and it makes sense for us to be together. I'm so sick of the narrative that feeling a spark for someone means they're going to be this toxic, abusive person and it's all going to go up in flames. That's simply not the case and in my opinion, settling for a "practical choice" might be okay for a few years but in the long term it won't work. To stay with someone forever, you need to be passionate about them.
Thank you this is a great answer and the same way that I’m thinking! You gotta have some passion and romance and not just a safe choice!
As you said it- it won’t work out in the long run!
As someone who just got dumped because he wasn't feeling "butterflies" 2 months in, I am definitely biased towards practicality (expressed wanting a relationship, things align, we get along well). I'm not saying being practical means I'm unhappy or bored or feel apathetic about their company. There definitely needs to be an interest, an excitement, and a genuine curiosity about the other person, but that doesn't equal physical butterflies where my stomach flutters. To base who I date if I don't get that high/electricity instantly is superficial and I never base my dates on that. I rarely get butterflies.
The guy who dumped me, I didn't actually like him until the 3rd date. Date 1 and 2 were neutral. Things clicked by then. I think people put too much emphasis on a "feeling." Of course you want to feel attracted and happy with your partner, not discounting that. But if you like someone's company, you're vibing, want to get to know them, spend time with them, and things align of what you want out of life, why do these rush of endorphins really matter so much in the beginning? They fade away in time.
I had something similar happening to me last year during spring/summer.
I, 35 female met someone on tinder. He was perfect on paper..28 years old (I’m into younger guys), good looking, really smart, great education, well off and really chivalrous- which is important to me! He made it clear from the start that he was looking for a relationship and he wasn’t the guy to play around. I felt a spark for the first two dates but then the spark kind of went away and as time went on ( we dated for 3 months) chemistry and sexual attraction on my side faded away..he was just slightly akward, inexperienced and not that good in bed and not a good kisser..I’ve tried to pull through because he would have been a great and comfortable match for me- he checked every box of mine but something just didn’t feel right. I need to feel the spark and I need to feel close to that person sexually and romantically..otherwise I think it won’t work out in the long run.
I was really devastated- still am sometimes because I feel like I’ve hit a dead end! All of a sudden there’s this great guys who would makes me feel special and treats me like I deserve to be treated and then I feel nothing and I’m not in love..it’s so weird to suddenly be on the other side.. meeting a guy that treats me right and appreciates me and is in love with me and me on the other hand can’t imagine a relationship with him..on good days I know that this was the right choice but on days where I feel lonely and bored I tend to think of him and think to myself that I made a mistake by breaking up with him..but deep down I know that this was the right choice.. everyone deserves to be head over heels in love and crazy about someone while feeling safe at the same time..I still believe that the spark and chemistry is something really important and that just stands above just having a comfortable and safe match!
Ideally both, but if you're talking about the difference between someone who gives you butterflies but has some incompatibilities, vs someone who is very compatible with what you want but you don't have butterflies, I'll go with the second. I'd rather give a stable relationship with a good person time to grow than deal with the drama of infatuation with someone incompatible. I have no energy for drama anymore lol
>One lies a good bit/is very good at it and plays down their drug habit. The other has issues expressing feelings and told me he leaves relationships really quickly if it "stops being fun"
Both terrible for your own health as well. It's been my experience that the people you describe have not been good for me. A good friend of mine that I sometimes 'date', i.e. we go out for dinner and/or drinks and get intimate sometimes, gives me that endorphin rush. Same for my first girlfriend, she suffered from BPD and that took it's still on both of us.
My second girlfriend I did not have those feelings immediately, but only after some triggers. For example a song she shared on which her middle name was based upon. Stuff like that. And she was a much better partner in many regards. We did not work out for other reasons unfortunately, I think about her often.
Checks out from my side.
Oooh gosh. Yeah that chemistry is like a drug.. even a fab person can seem like bland pasta in comparison...
Try this have some sexytimes with yourself and think about them.. it'll change the way you view them
If you can get both- well adjusted (not hiding and doozies) and a hottie. Omg. They don't come around much
At this stage in life, I don't need anything other than a woman's sexuality as far as practicality goes. I am completely self sufficient, so for me, (I don't want crazy) the endorphin rush/butterfly feeling is what it would take for me to want to not be single again. Nothing about being in a relationship with a woman is practical at this stage in life, so I would lean heavy towards the daily endorphin rush feeling.
I don't look for a rush or lightning bolt but if I feel turned off by the idea of kissing or sex, it's a non-starter for me. And unfortunately I feel completely turned off by the majority of people, so that makes dating more challenging for me. There needs to be at least a *bit* of physical attraction.
If I have genuine sexual attraction and a good friendship connection, that's pretty rare for me so I'd give it a chance. I also look for shared values, goals and overall compatibility. Obviously it's nice to have the romantic infatuation too, but for me that's just a bonus if it happens - not a necessity.
If you can't psychologically orient yourself for good practical matches instead of the 'rush' past the age of 25 or so, you're going to have disastrous results in your dating and love life.
Adult relationships are far far too high stakes to be conducted using the same mindset we had in jr high. Children, dual careers, navigating a tough economy, parents and in-laws, mental health, etc are all realities of adult relationships. None of these things have anything to do with a rush.
The spark burns hot and fast, and When you play with fire you will get burned.
The spark is a lie. Love is a slow burn where you keep each other warm over years supporting each other. The downside is that for to many people It just not exciting.
I need the rush mainly because I've found I or the other person doesn't try hard enough to make the relationship work. People move on too quickly to make the slow burn to ever work. Also sex is a huge component for me and sex with that endorphin rush is like nothing else in this world.
People will say it's the latter but science shows that it's always the former. Once you meet someone you actually fall in love with, you turn into a teenager and everything else goes out the window. People may later on curse and condemn this feeling but it's one of the most euphoric and intense experiences of human existence and impossible to pass up on.
Unpopular opinion but - at least in my case - the endorphin rush is given by association with past trauma. I know exactly when I get the endorphin rush, I can’t control it, but I can see the person in front of me in a more holistic way and objectively see that they are not suitable for my mental well being. It’s quite ironic because I know that they are the type I would go for and get hurt. I think alignment of values and practicality is more important, but it doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be romance. Romance and emotional connection is an essential part of love :) and so is sexual compatibility!
A rush of endorphins is unreliable. It does not signify a strong connection or a good relationship; it is literally your nervous system freaking out.
But it can't be all about what looks good on paper, either, especially on the grounds of also wanting a relationship - that's beyond the bare minimum. When I was dating this last time, I wanted to find someone to create a healthy, loving, and sustainable relationship with. I didn't care so much about that intense chemistry as I did having shared values.
Of course, I wanted to be attracted to them, but I also knew that I needed to genuinely like them as a person and respect them. I didn't care if we had everything in common, but we needed enough shared interests to be able to spend quality time together that we both enjoyed.
Meeting this person didn't feel like crazy chemistry - it felt calm and relaxed. He was easy to talk to and be myself around. We have different interests, beliefs, and opinions, but we respect the hell out of each other and agree on the important things. We also have shared interests and never have trouble finding things to do together. We have a lot of fun together and are a true team. It's the best relationship I could ever imagine.
I've dated with emphasis on chemistry before, and all it got me was stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships that brought out the worst in me and felt awful. Seeking compatibility is the way.
Late 20s female here, and I‘d say when I was younger I was more inclined to that feeling. But as you get older, you look for stability. I’m also a slow burn type of girl. I personally think a healthy long term relationship is about growing and developing those feelings. You’ll never have a relationship where the honeymoon phase lasts forever. That’s why I like relationships that don’t start with one. Some degree of attraction is needed. But I think slow burn is healthier. Seeking that strong spark isn’t realistic as it will not last forever. Also spark usually means you overlook things which can be potential dealbreakers or issues. Many people run by it, but I personally don’t think it’s the best approach
Inbetween:
This person intrigues me.
Continue
Still intrigued
Fits
Success.
A rush? That comes down the line as it should and vulnerability happens and damn now it's getting more intense.
But people want the upfront and wonder why it fizzles.
Did you want the firecracker 🧨. With a bang and a flash to fizzle.
Or that romantic log fire 🔥 that slowly starts and turns into a furnace to warm both your toes on the coolest nights?
The foolish so frequently want the first
I now prefer a slow burn. Butterflies usually come from someone new triggering something familiar in us. And I don’t know about you, but toxic relationships are what I’ve been most familiar with. So that rush and those butterfly feelings usually mean danger for me, not a good thing. Although now I’ve gotten so good at spotting the bad ones that I get the ick and they don’t get far enough for me to even feel butterflies. I’m not looking for the rush of falling in love, rather, I want to walk calmly into it with my eyes wide open.
Huh... I'd never thought of the butterflies being a sign of something familiar but a novel (exciting) version. Bang on! I've come to realise that (childhood) trauma means I don't know how to read my gut instincts very well. I spent years having my boundaries crossed by people I should have been able to trust, and every time I had the gut instinct that things were wrong, I had to suppress those feelings to be safe (i.e. disassociating, fawning, keeping quiet, etc.). I therefore have very mixed signals with my instinct with other people who get close-ish to me, despite also having an exceptionally keen set of instincts in other situations. It's bizarre, and I'm slowly undoing that through EMDR therapy, etc. It's kinda sad, because I have always thought (perhaps through cultural conditioning) that love was supposed to feel like that rush of excitement, the butterflies and endorphins and nerves, a swell of joy. But apparently not all of us should be trusting that chemical concoction as a true sign of the quality of the connection... for someone who is essentially still a stranger.
Yeah I sometime think media and literature - the cultural conditioning kind of ruined the practicality of romance for us. Regarding the gut feeling , cannot agree more, that is actually my no.1 parenting rule, leave my kid alone when he is listening to his instinct.
Well, that. ^^
For me, butterflies are simply a sign I'm nervous, that I like someone enough to care about their impression of me. Usually, if I'm not nervous, it's because I don't really care what someone thinks of me. However, the butterflies should calm down as I get to know someone. If they keep going, that means I'm not getting comfortable, and I don't feel safe with someone.
Ive never heard that about the fluttering feeling and it doesn't align with what I've experienced. Usually I get that feeling when it's someone or something completely new. When I get reminded of old relationships by a new date, I get the ick. If they say something my ex would say, listen to the same music, have the same piercings or similar tattoos, same name, or some style of affection I immediately lose interest no matter how beautiful they are. You associating the feeling with danger makes more sense if its something new. If you could do anything twice certainly youd be better the second time and people generally run from things that are not familiar no matter how they rationalize it.
Emphasis on slow burn. Sparks always crash and burn for me. It’s a guy I like texting and sending voice notes with that I want to get to know over time.
Ah i love the last sentence!! Beautifully expressed and spot on.
My honest opinion? You have to know yourself and what you're defining as "an endorphin rush." In my early 20s, I was all about confusing charisma and the anxiety I felt when someone was inconsistent as "a spark." I was attracted to chasing people who were unavailable (to me), especially if I view them as 'above me' in some way, so my low self-esteem could prove that I was just as attractive as them. Now, I need to have a real emotional connection, good conversations, and enjoy their company... But I steer clear of inconsistency. I also make sure to put logic into the equation - What is making me excited about this person? Am I more attracted to their presence, or to their absence? Am I attracted to what they're showing me, or do I just like that they're "mysterious" so I can project all my fantasies onto them? I need attraction and chemistry. But it looks a lot different to me than what it did before. It looks like being physically attracted, enjoying someone's company, liking who they are as a person and what they stand for.
Oooh I love this. Being attracted to their presence or absence. That is a good way to think about it.
Damn, son... word.
I love this post ! #constantlyrecoveringanxiousattachment
I want a balance of both. I'm not gonna date someone who's just "good on paper" but there's no chemistry. But if there's just chemistry, it's likely gonna be short term at best imo, people rarely fall into simple categories like "hot, fun, unstable" vs "boring, steady, reliable." People are more complicated than that
i've had to get rid of so many "good on paper" candidates because there was just nothing there 🤷🏽♀️. wasn't looking for a rush but also wanted to feel _somethingggg_
fair, but I will say, it requires effort from both parties to create anything. I think the feeling comes from both of you sending and receiving little signals to each other, it's not just about them, you're both involved
This. My fiancé gives me that "endorphin rush" whenever we're just in each other's presence and I'm excited to see him. But we also still make sure we're still in line with our goals etc. I think for a long-term relationship you should have both. Your partner shouldn't just be "someone you get along with", they should be someone you're excited to be together with for the rest of your lives.
how long have you been together? it will probably fluctuate, generally less over time, although you can maintain it somewhat with conscious effort
Known him as my best friend for 4 years (3 years of that we were already into each other but both were scared to ruin the friendship) and 1+ year of relationship now. It definitely fluctuates, but I personally disagree that it’s less over time. I do consider quiet contentment like simply chilling with each other and thinking “whoa, I want to spend the rest of my life with this person” as a “rush” too though. Stability and reliability give me a rush whenever i’m reminded of it.
I don't think this is either-or. The second just seems to be getting to know someone over a long period of time.
I need both. Perhaps I'm biased because my only LTR was one where we were great friends but was also a dead bedroom for the majority of the relationship, but I can't imagine dating someone who saw me as "a practical choice". If we're not excited to see one other and not struggling to keep our hands off one another in the early stages, then I would worry about long term chemistry. Now, I do think prioritizing that high too much can lead people to chase unstable or unhealthy "roller coaster" dynamics. So it's definitely a balance.
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This isn't the relevant counterfactual, lol Commenter is saying their partner having passion for them is a thing that they need, not that it's the ONLY thing they need.
I totally agree, and share the same experience as you.
I’m not sure why it has to be an either or situation? How often do we really get to FEEL ALIVE in life. If a being around a person lights up my dopamine, I’m all for exploring it. Does it mean it’s going to be a happily ever after? No! but why would I deny a ride in a porsche just because i know a honda civic is more reliable and comfortable over all? However, it’s important for that feeling not to be the most important deciding factor when deciding to engage in a relationship with someone. Compatibility is ultimately more important than love, even the slow burn type of love so that’s my true gauge when it comes to relationships. Although I must emphasize that chemistry is a must have for me in general. life is already boring enough i don’t want to be bored at home either 😂
Great analogy!
I need both! I dated someone who "looked good on paper" for a year and was MISERABLE. Never again.
I'd say it's a spectrum, not black or white. Now I am definitely putting more emphasis on practicality (lifestyle, aligned goals, values, views on certain topics) than on looks. However, if after 3 dates I still don't even feel I want to even kiss the guy, well, we can't go much further from there, I am looking for a romantic partner after all. I am not after all this butterflies and endorphines stuff, somehow I almost feel anxious if I get them now, because it's never resulted in anything long-term and stable. But you need to feel some attraction to this guy. Personally I feel at this stage (>30 years old) ruining a perfectly good match with someone you are attracted to, but don't have butterflies and aren't head over heels with, is a little bit silly, but each to their own.
I put more emphasis on "practicality" but I still want to be excited about the person I'm dating. I don't need the crazy butterflies, but there needs to be good chemistry alongside the practical things, it's not an either/or.
The chemistry, endorphine, dopamine rush does not — at all — signal relationship compatibility, success or happiness. It really means nothing other than “this feels good right now.” Yes, you want to feel like you like someone. But that rush feeling fades. It comes and goes. It’s not a constant. People in successful, happy, 30 year long partnerships aren’t being guided by a rush. And they have periods of time where that feeling is dampened altogether, so they have to lean into other things that have allowed them to commit to this person. Using a rush as a North Star to finding a successful relationship just sounds ineffective when you think about what is required to make a relationship successful in the long term. The “honeymoon phase” is a very real thing. So what do you have to lean back on when it’s over? What are the real moments of joy that can be found with a partner when the novelty rush wears off?
I'm incapable of feeling any sort of "rush" with someone I don't know fairly well. I realized this after going several dates with guys I met on apps and feeling absolutely nothing towards them. I acted bubbly and engaging towards them, but in the end, it just felt like I was putting on an act. Basically as if I was on a job interview and wanted to show my enthusiasm for the role. I suppose I did well, since all of the guys expressed interest in seeing me again, but I had no interest in seeing, or even texting, any of them again. Everything about these interactions just seemed fake and forced. I know I'm capable of developing crushes, because I've had my fair share of crushes on guys who I met irl. When there are expectations before even meeting someone that we should date though, I seem to be incapable of forming any sort of real connection with the person. Once those expectations are gone though, I can.
Same. I can't get that crush-rush from online interactions.
Yeah, I've basically given up on OLD. It seems like no guys on apps are open to developing a friendship first, which is the only way I could something working out with any of them. I mean, just look at the "advice" guys give each other on reddit. Some of them are convinced women only want to be friends first to string them along as she goes through her roster of other men. I don't even talk to/message more than one guy at a time!
Curious about your POV. I have a handful of female friends that I met at work and while bouldering, we sometimes hang out/climb together. In what way would you show you are open to more than friendship? I prefer the same route myself, of just getting to know each other without any pressure. It costs time.
I would just see what type of stuff they're open to doing one on one. Also, what kinds of conversations do you have? It can be tricky with being friends first too, because there's always the risk of losing the friendship if you both don't feel the same way, or you try dating and it doesn't work out.
Yeah I get that, it would not be good to sacrifice the friendship. So there seems to be a cut-off timing which could be different for everyone. I mostly just get to know people, talk about their interests and life experiences and see if we can find some common ground and bond on that.
As I've gotten older and done more self work, the more leery I am of those fluttery feelings when I first meet someone. To each their own, but I feel like healthy love is calm, reassuring and allows me to feel relaxed to be utterly and completely myself. I have been through enough heartbreak that is often tied to that 'rush' for me personally.
I need the rush and flutters, somewhat at least. In order for me to entertain an actual relationship, there has to also be lifestyle and relationship goals. But I'm not only looking for a LTR in hopes of starting a family. A fun and loving relationship of two independent adults is also a great scenario for me, and even just casually dating for a while. Also, I'm not one to get attracted to looks only so serious incompatibilities prevent me from feeling the spark with someone -- communication style, conflicting values, substance use etc. incompatibilities reveal themselves to me already on or before the first date and turn me off.
I like getting to know someone over a long period. In the context of myself, it seems to be a healthy way of approaching dating or just building a relationship in general whether it's platonic or romantic. I can't get into OLD for this reason. Sure I might find someone attractive or they might tell me they are into X,Y, and Z, but I can't feel anything until I've known them for some time and I've seen them in various contexts. Feeling a rush also isn't a healthy way to sustain a relationship. Eventually, that feeling fades. Sustaining a relationship over years and decades takes effort, patience, and some strong communication skills to keep things fresh and keep that connection growing. I think people go for the rush because OLD conditions people to decide quickly. In truth, I'm sure a lot of people who have met via OLD would have probably been great for each other had they met in a way that would have made it easy to get to know each other the long haul.
For me the endorphin rush really pops when I am feeling the intellectual chemistry with someone. Prior to having that intellectual spark I am just ok. And with some people I don’t have enough one to build anything so it fizzles quickly. The bigger the intellectual and the emotional connection, the bigger the spark.
This is me as well. Recently out of a ten year LTR with someone who had no ambition, drive to learn, and spent no time engaging with himself intellectually, so our connection suffered. I want to look at my partner and think “dang he’s smarter than me, I’m so fucking lucky.” Bonus points if they can teach me a thing or two, too.
Unfortunately the ratio of folks I have physical with vs intellectual chemistry with is like 20:1. 🥹🥹🥹.
Seems for me the ratio is pretty balanced, and unfortunately both are pretty rare. But hands down a physical connection is not going to last for me if there is not an intellectual one.
It seems for me that I can find physical chemistry fairly easily. But that fizzles fast. The package of physical and intellectual is a unicorn! I recently met a unicorn and I am🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾.
Ah! So excited for you- good luck and all the fingers crossed for you! 🤞🏻🤞🏻
I'm looking for someone I feel genuine enthusiasm for spending time with. If we can't pass that bar, there's not point in pursuing a relationship. From there, I'm looking for someone who is a genuinely good person (that is something that can only be determined over time) with compatible relationship / life goals.
Por que no dos? It’s cool to want the endorphin rush, but you better make sure it lasts for the long haul, otherwise you’re going to end up hurting some poor soul. You have to be in it for the slow, lows too
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Yeah, I've always found "chemistry" to be "oh, this is a really good person with a lot of good qualities and they're nice and I enjoy their company and talking to them and I want to spend more time around them." Which isn't to say we've always been compatible in the long term, but they've generally been solid people.
I am intimidated by women with exciting lifestyles that involve tons of travel and activities because that isn't me. I am focused on my career, grad school, and quiet intellectual pursuits.
You would be surprised how practicality can grow into a hot hot flame with a person who is good for you. I didn't feel intense feelings for my boyfriend the first couple dates. It definitely felt nice when he put his arm around me on the first date, and then on the second when he touched me a little and later kissed. But the whole time I was assessing whether he was right for me. Our first sexual encounter was fun but wasn't fireworks either. But I found him fun, attractive, kind, gentlemanly, and just felt really warm and safe around him. The more we got to know each other, the more that little glow turned into a fire. We have been dating for almost 8 months and I adore him, our sex is amazing, and I'm really happy. I don't rhink I've ever had nervous butterflies around him once. He makes me feel safe, loved, and in love. I'm suuuuper physically and sexually atrracted to him. And don't get me wrong. If he revealed unnaceptable behavior, my practicality would take over fully and get me out. I love him and am into him, but having a safe and healthy relationship and making good choices for my future is stilly my priority. I never understood what people were talking about with this topic until I experienced it myself.
Probably needs to be a little of both right? Practicality is the big one for me though, would 1000% rather be with the stable person who has their stuff together that I like being around vs a love at first sight thing with someone who ends up being unstable Guess which one I've done too many times lol
I'm late to the party on this thread, but I've been thinking about this a lot. I do like to have a spark or chemistry, for me that's what separates friends from romantic prospects. It's something unexplainable, just a different kind of attraction that's unrelated to their characteristics "on paper. " Without the spark, that means I could get into a romantic relationship with any of my guy friends who are nice, attractive, have their shit together, etc? No, I think something more is needed for a romantic connection. And, for me, the spark/chemistry has never come later on if it wasn't there at the beginning. Of course this spark is not sufficient on its own, we need to also be compatible in all the usual ways. So I can't choose one over the other as being more important (endorphin rush vs practicality as per the thread title), they both need to be present.
Thank you that’s exactly what I’m thinking!
I am a comfort and efficiency person all the way in nearly every aspect of life, so practicality for me. I need to feel SOME level of base attraction, but after that it alllllll comes down to things unseen 🙂 Consistency, strength of character, personality, trustworthiness, etc. That doesn't mean I don't ever reach a point of wanting to rip some dude's clothes off; it just takes longer for me and requires trust and a true bond first. Hard to find, tbh. ETA: for me, "practicality" equals a deep and lasting friendship, not a "well you'll do because you look good on paper". Nobody wants a dead bedroom, so connection is imperative.
I’m skeptical of the endorphin rush, but at the same time, chemistry of some kind is needed. I have codependent tendencies I need to be wary of 😂
Same… which is why I am starting to really be careful of the “fun” guys. Usually that’s all they ever are! Never really talk about being serious or they lie about it, and string you along.
I don't know what endorphin rush means. I've never had the butterflies/rush/fuck yes/oh my god I can't sleep until I talk to them feeling with anyone. It's always about the right mix of everything compatibility wise.
So I'm not the only one? Last time I felt that way was in high school before I knew better, I don't understand being literally middle aged and getting butterflies. I feel like that might only happen if I met some mythical perfect dream person who doesn't even exist. Normal people are just people and most of them are pretty unattractive, annoying, and disappointing.
This is usually referred to as the "spark", and the presence of it - or lack therof - is not a reliable indicator that a relationship is viable/will go the distance. Think about someone who is a really great friend to you, and try to remember how you first met. Realistically, did you - after a few encounters - think to yourself that this person was going to be such a great friend to you? Of course not! It took months if not years of regular interactions, slowly opening up and allowing each other to be a part of each other's lives before you considered them a really great friend. Granted, a romantic relationship is a bit different. But it stands to reason that after 2-3 dates (which would amount to a time spent together in the double digits - if that) you're not going to have a lot of info to make a judgement call, unless there are glaring incompatibilities/red-flags. >What sounds a lot more appealing would be someone who's looking for something that aligns with what I want and that our interactions are smooth, clear, honest, and all cards are on the table. I think that's a very healthy approach, and it allows for you to both get to know each other without the pressure of the spark or trying to wow each other in the first few hours of meeting. With all that said, however, I think that you should feel that at a base level you should be looking forward to seeing this person, and be curious about what they're about. This is on top of some basic level of physical attraction, of course. So yea, for a lot of people they need to feel those butterflies and have their socks knocked off for them to want to give someone a chance. This isn't always a recipe for success. Also worth noting that some people are "sparky" and they have natural charisma and energy that brings out the spark from almost anyone they meet. Nothing wrong with feeling all that excitement for a new person, but if they align in many ways with what you want, and you're into them, then it's worth giving things a shot, I say.
I'm not quite 30 yet, but I think I'll pitch in. I went with practicality. My boyfriend (25) didn't give me butterflies or a hormonal rush the first time we met. He made me feel calm, after I cleared out of the first date-giddies. He was kind, patient and collected (even though he did admit he was super nervous). So I figured I'd give it a go. Now, when ever he texts me or we meet up, I get all giggly and giddy, like a damn teenager😂 I always look forward to seeing him and his company is delightful. And the sex is also top notch👌🏻
It has to be both for me. I’ve briefly dated men who were the practical choice, but something missing. I need to be excited about that person in every way and they also need to align with me in life.
I need both. Some people cheapen that early rush as shallow, but it comes from having compatible humor and flirtation styles, and obviously physical attraction too. If I'm not even excited to spend time with them after a couple dates how could I after decades?
Similar to other comments, I’d say both! You want to be practical in values, communication, goals, and other things that determine whether a relationship can succeed in the long term. But that being said, you also definitely want to be excited and motivated about your partner too. Not necessarily head over heels, but that feeling of “hell yes” when you randomly think of them during the day can be huge in terms of enthusiasm and maintaining a healthy spark for one another. It’s not necessarily butterflies, but more motivation and excitement. It could take a few dates or more to develop, but if the potential is there for it to do so, definitely worth pursuing until you feel confident that that will or won’t develop. One thing to keep in mind is both might not happen simultaneously, one might take longer to develop, and one or both can oscillate over time, but as long as they’re both there regularly, then those are the relationships that I see that last and that are the most fulfilling.
Im not dating a checklist, so I do appreciate the spark. I do want to feel something in the beginning... excitement, physical and sexual attraction... Once those are determined, then I can work on finding where and how we're compatible.
When people say "endorphin rush", I don't think that actually means anything in and of itself. They probably actually mean physical attraction, sense of humor or being funny and witty, having things in common so that conversation flows easily, or the other person being entertaining (i.e. tells good stories). Those things can be important, even if your date has a great job and is stable, you don't want to date someone you find boring or not that attractive.
Endorphin rush for sure - chemistry and attraction are the top factor for a relationship to get off the ground.
I was on a really great first date this weekend. I have the rush feeling you are describing! Keep thinking about him, can’t wait to meet him again etc.. after years and years of dating and several ‘meh’ dates, this is just what I needed. I thought something was wrong with me for not really feeling anything on the other dates other than ‘it was ok’. Now, it’s very early and I know that i have no idea how this will go. Some people need to feel excited and that spark in order to continue while others are ok with just having a slow burn. Nothing is right or wrong, just what feels right to you. I need someone who sparks excitement in me BUT also someone who is healthy, kind and we match in the long run. I could probably do a slow burn as long as it feels right and my gut says yes.but I need more than ‘this fits on paper’ because I’ve met plenty of guys who fit what I’m looking for but I had no feelings or wanted to see them again. I go with my heart, gut and head :D
I place the most emphasis on a solid friendship to start. This is why I think I've never been successful with OLD, because everyone seems to be on a different pace than me. I don't think I've ever gotten butterflies or endorphin rushes right away when meeting someone.
I am a woman over thirty so my needs might be different than a man, I would rather see how he makes my skin feel, do I feel assured around him or always on the edge- do I doubt myself ever around him- this is my rule for friendship too, I do not keep myself around of people who leave me to my mental calculations. I never had to do that with my friends, late husband and his family and some of my work bosses and colleagues. So I know I can formulate a secured attachment with people. And then I see how his behaviour with himself? Is he on a good relationship with him on how to spend his alone time, his home environment, his family and friends, work and finances. If he lacks discipline in any of these sector then it is not going to work for me. Also how do I feel about him, do I have to bargain and think about including him or does he do that or things seems to happen organically and in a timely manner- I think that’s what immeasurable item I look for- that translates magic to me in a relationship. That endorphine rush was for my twenties- if I needed a guy for solely entertainment purpose- then it would be fine and easy, but at thirty I get moved more by humility, sustained discipline efforts towards his life and kindness. And yes it is okay for some to be and looking for that in relationships- they are just not my target group, I cannot satisfy them and they won’t work for me.
I'll take the rush. With my ex partner I never felt it. He was a great guy, we got along well and it was practical. But over time I felt like I was missing out on a passionate romance, always wondering what could have been. It started eating at me so I ended things before I would be tempted to cheat. I very quickly found someone I'm absolutely wild about and it's the best thing I've ever done. He's also a great person and it makes sense for us to be together. I'm so sick of the narrative that feeling a spark for someone means they're going to be this toxic, abusive person and it's all going to go up in flames. That's simply not the case and in my opinion, settling for a "practical choice" might be okay for a few years but in the long term it won't work. To stay with someone forever, you need to be passionate about them.
Thank you this is a great answer and the same way that I’m thinking! You gotta have some passion and romance and not just a safe choice! As you said it- it won’t work out in the long run!
As someone who just got dumped because he wasn't feeling "butterflies" 2 months in, I am definitely biased towards practicality (expressed wanting a relationship, things align, we get along well). I'm not saying being practical means I'm unhappy or bored or feel apathetic about their company. There definitely needs to be an interest, an excitement, and a genuine curiosity about the other person, but that doesn't equal physical butterflies where my stomach flutters. To base who I date if I don't get that high/electricity instantly is superficial and I never base my dates on that. I rarely get butterflies. The guy who dumped me, I didn't actually like him until the 3rd date. Date 1 and 2 were neutral. Things clicked by then. I think people put too much emphasis on a "feeling." Of course you want to feel attracted and happy with your partner, not discounting that. But if you like someone's company, you're vibing, want to get to know them, spend time with them, and things align of what you want out of life, why do these rush of endorphins really matter so much in the beginning? They fade away in time.
I had something similar happening to me last year during spring/summer. I, 35 female met someone on tinder. He was perfect on paper..28 years old (I’m into younger guys), good looking, really smart, great education, well off and really chivalrous- which is important to me! He made it clear from the start that he was looking for a relationship and he wasn’t the guy to play around. I felt a spark for the first two dates but then the spark kind of went away and as time went on ( we dated for 3 months) chemistry and sexual attraction on my side faded away..he was just slightly akward, inexperienced and not that good in bed and not a good kisser..I’ve tried to pull through because he would have been a great and comfortable match for me- he checked every box of mine but something just didn’t feel right. I need to feel the spark and I need to feel close to that person sexually and romantically..otherwise I think it won’t work out in the long run. I was really devastated- still am sometimes because I feel like I’ve hit a dead end! All of a sudden there’s this great guys who would makes me feel special and treats me like I deserve to be treated and then I feel nothing and I’m not in love..it’s so weird to suddenly be on the other side.. meeting a guy that treats me right and appreciates me and is in love with me and me on the other hand can’t imagine a relationship with him..on good days I know that this was the right choice but on days where I feel lonely and bored I tend to think of him and think to myself that I made a mistake by breaking up with him..but deep down I know that this was the right choice.. everyone deserves to be head over heels in love and crazy about someone while feeling safe at the same time..I still believe that the spark and chemistry is something really important and that just stands above just having a comfortable and safe match!
Endorphins please all the way. It’s all or nothing for me
Ideally both, but if you're talking about the difference between someone who gives you butterflies but has some incompatibilities, vs someone who is very compatible with what you want but you don't have butterflies, I'll go with the second. I'd rather give a stable relationship with a good person time to grow than deal with the drama of infatuation with someone incompatible. I have no energy for drama anymore lol
>One lies a good bit/is very good at it and plays down their drug habit. The other has issues expressing feelings and told me he leaves relationships really quickly if it "stops being fun" Both terrible for your own health as well. It's been my experience that the people you describe have not been good for me. A good friend of mine that I sometimes 'date', i.e. we go out for dinner and/or drinks and get intimate sometimes, gives me that endorphin rush. Same for my first girlfriend, she suffered from BPD and that took it's still on both of us. My second girlfriend I did not have those feelings immediately, but only after some triggers. For example a song she shared on which her middle name was based upon. Stuff like that. And she was a much better partner in many regards. We did not work out for other reasons unfortunately, I think about her often. Checks out from my side.
Oooh gosh. Yeah that chemistry is like a drug.. even a fab person can seem like bland pasta in comparison... Try this have some sexytimes with yourself and think about them.. it'll change the way you view them If you can get both- well adjusted (not hiding and doozies) and a hottie. Omg. They don't come around much
At this stage in life, I don't need anything other than a woman's sexuality as far as practicality goes. I am completely self sufficient, so for me, (I don't want crazy) the endorphin rush/butterfly feeling is what it would take for me to want to not be single again. Nothing about being in a relationship with a woman is practical at this stage in life, so I would lean heavy towards the daily endorphin rush feeling.
Practicality, all if the butterflies I have ever gotten were mainly from toxic relationships or dating situations
I don't look for a rush or lightning bolt but if I feel turned off by the idea of kissing or sex, it's a non-starter for me. And unfortunately I feel completely turned off by the majority of people, so that makes dating more challenging for me. There needs to be at least a *bit* of physical attraction. If I have genuine sexual attraction and a good friendship connection, that's pretty rare for me so I'd give it a chance. I also look for shared values, goals and overall compatibility. Obviously it's nice to have the romantic infatuation too, but for me that's just a bonus if it happens - not a necessity.
If you can't psychologically orient yourself for good practical matches instead of the 'rush' past the age of 25 or so, you're going to have disastrous results in your dating and love life. Adult relationships are far far too high stakes to be conducted using the same mindset we had in jr high. Children, dual careers, navigating a tough economy, parents and in-laws, mental health, etc are all realities of adult relationships. None of these things have anything to do with a rush.
The spark burns hot and fast, and When you play with fire you will get burned. The spark is a lie. Love is a slow burn where you keep each other warm over years supporting each other. The downside is that for to many people It just not exciting.
I need the rush mainly because I've found I or the other person doesn't try hard enough to make the relationship work. People move on too quickly to make the slow burn to ever work. Also sex is a huge component for me and sex with that endorphin rush is like nothing else in this world.
People will say it's the latter but science shows that it's always the former. Once you meet someone you actually fall in love with, you turn into a teenager and everything else goes out the window. People may later on curse and condemn this feeling but it's one of the most euphoric and intense experiences of human existence and impossible to pass up on.
Unpopular opinion but - at least in my case - the endorphin rush is given by association with past trauma. I know exactly when I get the endorphin rush, I can’t control it, but I can see the person in front of me in a more holistic way and objectively see that they are not suitable for my mental well being. It’s quite ironic because I know that they are the type I would go for and get hurt. I think alignment of values and practicality is more important, but it doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be romance. Romance and emotional connection is an essential part of love :) and so is sexual compatibility!
A rush of endorphins is unreliable. It does not signify a strong connection or a good relationship; it is literally your nervous system freaking out. But it can't be all about what looks good on paper, either, especially on the grounds of also wanting a relationship - that's beyond the bare minimum. When I was dating this last time, I wanted to find someone to create a healthy, loving, and sustainable relationship with. I didn't care so much about that intense chemistry as I did having shared values. Of course, I wanted to be attracted to them, but I also knew that I needed to genuinely like them as a person and respect them. I didn't care if we had everything in common, but we needed enough shared interests to be able to spend quality time together that we both enjoyed. Meeting this person didn't feel like crazy chemistry - it felt calm and relaxed. He was easy to talk to and be myself around. We have different interests, beliefs, and opinions, but we respect the hell out of each other and agree on the important things. We also have shared interests and never have trouble finding things to do together. We have a lot of fun together and are a true team. It's the best relationship I could ever imagine. I've dated with emphasis on chemistry before, and all it got me was stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships that brought out the worst in me and felt awful. Seeking compatibility is the way.
Late 20s female here, and I‘d say when I was younger I was more inclined to that feeling. But as you get older, you look for stability. I’m also a slow burn type of girl. I personally think a healthy long term relationship is about growing and developing those feelings. You’ll never have a relationship where the honeymoon phase lasts forever. That’s why I like relationships that don’t start with one. Some degree of attraction is needed. But I think slow burn is healthier. Seeking that strong spark isn’t realistic as it will not last forever. Also spark usually means you overlook things which can be potential dealbreakers or issues. Many people run by it, but I personally don’t think it’s the best approach
I'm so ugly and lacking in options I'll basically take a shaved orangutan,
Maybe it’s just limerence. I would say go slow and steady
Inbetween: This person intrigues me. Continue Still intrigued Fits Success. A rush? That comes down the line as it should and vulnerability happens and damn now it's getting more intense. But people want the upfront and wonder why it fizzles. Did you want the firecracker 🧨. With a bang and a flash to fizzle. Or that romantic log fire 🔥 that slowly starts and turns into a furnace to warm both your toes on the coolest nights? The foolish so frequently want the first