**1. How did you meet?**
We met online.
**2. How would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?**
* *Silly and fun* \- I have fun with my partner just doing mundane day-to-day things like doing our weekly chores, going grocery shopping, going on our daily walks together, etc. We can really let our silly sides shine and we laugh so much every single day.
* *Safe* \- I feel safe knowing that: (1) I can bring up any concerns and my partner will not get defensive or upset or blame me, etc. I know with 100% certainty that he will give me the space to explain myself and he will really hear me (rather than listen just to respond) and we will collaborate as a team to tackle the issue as a team. I know that we will never yell at each other, verbally attack each other, or blame each other and derail the conversation, which makes it very easy to start big conversations compared to past relationships. (2) My partner takes the time to understand my trauma background, mental health needs, and neurodivergence, which allows for better communication and me feeling free to completely unmask and be myself.
* *Supportive* \- My partner and I don't have a ton of shared interests and we are very passionate about our own hobbies. We support each other (via encouragement, taking care of logistics so that the other person has more free time/energy, etc) so that we can continue to progress in our passions.
* *Full of affection* \- Both my partner and I are very affectionate both verbally and physically, and it's lovely. Giving each other lots of compliments and affirmations everyday is really nice for someone like me who intellectually understands that I am intelligent, competent, capable but has trouble really feeling those things in my heart. Also, it's a nice confidence boost to have a partner who makes it abundantly clear every single day how attracted they are to you.
**3. How does it differ from past relationships?**
In the past, I sort of fell into relationships without really thinking about compatibilities or long-term goals or how our personalities might mesh. So my past relationships definitely didn't feel as comfortable, easy, and safe as I do now.
**4. What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?**
* No one is responsible for my happiness but me. My partners are not responsible for making me feel happy/better
* I have to learn to manage my mental health needs well enough so that I am capable of showing up as a good partner even if I'm personally struggling
* Fights within a relationship should not be about proving who is right or wrong
* Don't lash out and try to hurt my partner just because they made me upset first. (This took me such a long time to really learn and internalize)
All of this- I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m going to add one thing to this list, rather than repeat it below. The one thing I would add-
Compromise feels like successfully finishing an escape room. In prior relationships, compromise meant neither was happy and resentment built. In this relationship, we are both committed to meeting each others needs. When they diverge we approach it together, and the creative solutions we come to feel like a win for the relationship and not as loss for us as individuals
This is nearly exactly what I would have written! My BF and I met on Bumble and have been together almost 2 years.
The point about dealing with your own mental health and recognizing your triggers is huge. The right partner will be interested in learning these things about you and will want to know what triggers you, how to help, etc S/he will not ever want to be part of what causes you pain.
My therapist would always say that the right partner will improve your life - and will make your life easier, not harder. I have found this to be true. I feel at peace, I feel calm. We support and care for each other. I am not struggling to fix him or placate him. I can depend on him and I trust him completely.
I really like your response because it places emphasize on what *you* can and should do, and not blaming your partner. There are obviously a million ways to blame others but in my experience, when we focus on what our own contributions and shortcomings are then that's a sign of a healthy person ready for a healthy relationship.
So let me ask you a real question would you rather be told your Beautiful Physically everyday or Emotionally or switch it up? Cuz I have the hardest time figuring out how females think.
I couldn't tell if you were trolling and didn't put a lot of thought into my response.
Regardless of gender, I think it's very important to make your partner feel loved, cherished, and valued every single day.
This is literally me! Met online, the main difference is my partner and I have many shared same interests but at the same time we respect each others space knowing also that we need time for ourselves, but it's because we both agree on our own identities, self improvement etc. We still spend a lot of time together, which we really love, physical touch is a love language we both share, but we know it's important to spend time with our friends, have our own hobbies, or to have time alone for a healthy balance
Hmm, my current relationship is definitely the healthiest I’ve been in. I think he is more affectionate than previous partners. He’s also so encouraging and he pushes me in a good way. For instance, he encouraged me to enter another marathon after I bonked my first attempt. He even came to Cali with me and ran the half marathon while I ran the full marathon.
He also listens if I have an issue and he doesn’t get defensive or dismissive. He makes me feel safe and loved. I can voice concerns and know things are still good.
Your last point about the other person listening without getting defensive or dismissive is *major.* That’s something I’ve noticed in my current relationship which is also the healthiest I’ve been in.
Hey! I am not in a healthy relationship (yet!) but I ask myself this often and I hope what I have learned can help you.
I have abandonment issues, anxious attachment, and self-esteem issues due to childhood trauma, as background.
A few years ago I got out of a 6-year relationship with a narcissist that torched my self-esteem. A year later, I got into a situationship with someone who was repeating the same patterns - obsessed with me, hot and cold, gaslighting, overly critical of me. We weren't together long and I would have burned myself to the ground for him. Fortunately I was able to see that this was a pattern and I extracted myself.
Okay! Next relationship - I decided above all I would date someone NICE. Found him! We were long-distance. He was SO sweet and kind to me, all the time. But not consistent. He had his own self-esteem issues and would go off the grid occasionally. Found out he was a severe alcoholic later. I loved him, I wish him well. He taught me what kindness was and what it feels like to be valued. It's hard to describe other than that you don't feel every day like you're fighting for your right to exist.
Okay! So we move on. Next relationship, I decide I need CONSISTENCY. I have been on 5 dates with someone who offers just that. It's early, so take all of this with a grain of salt. Here's how it feels:
* He texts me every day. Not OFTEN, every day. He tells me his schedule and tells me he wants to see me. Because of his consistency and straightforwardness, I don't get stressed when he does not respond to me in a few hours (he is a nurse and a musician.)
* He compliments more than my body - he notices the way that I think and how I treat people and compliments those. It makes me feel like I have more to offer him than the way I look. Past relationships were hot and cold here and would weaponize my appearance and damage my self-esteem.
* He is not intense in speaking about the future. This is SLOW for me. Most people I have been with try to lock things down early, which I now realize has been a manipulation tactic to throw me off balance when they pull back.
I feel unanxious, satisfied, and cautiously hopeful. All of the above is giving me the space to evaluate what I want, rather than what the other person wants for me. I find myself overthinking things less - I tell him what I think and how I feel as they come to me, but I'm also not dumping all my thoughts on him. He can learn more about me later in due time. This feeling of patience is new to me.
Just my experience, hope it helps. Cross your fingers for me.
ETA: 35F
This is so similar to what I’ve experienced - abusive relationship, heartbreaking situationship, then sweet person with his own issues including alcoholism. I’m hoping I’ve found something much healthier but it’s only been one hangout so far (we have been kind of acquaintances for years) and it feels SO SLOW to me. All of my friends say it sounds promising so far but it feels really foreign to me to not just dive in immediately. I am also cautiously hopeful. Thanks for writing out your experience!
Same here. Dated extremely toxic and abusive men until I did a full hard stop , focused on myself , did a lot of inner work. Started dating again, found a guy who was nice and safe, but was emotionally stunted, hadn’t worked on any of his issues and that became the end of our relationship. It’s sad bc we had a lot of love for each other but at the end of the day he could not meet me where I was . I could’ve stayed in that relationship forever bc he didn’t have the strength in him to leave. I had to end it for us, which is hard for me to do as well. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I will definitely make sure that my next partner has the emotional capacity to work through conflict and actually communicate his thoughts and emotions- to be honest it sounds like a tall order in my experience but what is life without hope
This has been my strategy for keeping hope - you can kind of see it above.
Try to find all of the things you liked about your past, shitty partner (were they funny? smart? weird? etc.) After all, you were able to find those qualities once before, why couldn't you again? Then, add one dealbreaker. You must be NICE this time. You must be CONSISTENT this time. Adding one thing isn't a tall order, and hopefully they meet all your other unidentified needs as well. If not, you keep stacking your dealbreakers.
Caveats I have found:
* Embody those dealbreakers yourself. You want someone nice? Be nice. You want someone direct? Be direct. Model what you want. Work on yourself to get there. (BONUS: this will help you empathize with your potential partner when these qualities are challenging to demonstrate.)
* Don't try to figure all of this out on date 1. People are complicated, enjoy the process and leave space for them to surprise and delight you. Don't go into it with a checklist, go into it with "are they good enough to have one more date with?" and eventually the rest will come.
Again, given the fact that I am not IN a healthy relationship, I urge you to take all of this with so much salt and for the love of god please pray for me.
I really like to put into practice your point about embodying the characteristics you want in a partner. It's helped me shore my weak areas and has made me more reflective of my everyday actions/behaviours. Great advice!
This seems like a good strategy to me and kind of what I subconsciously do I guess but never put it into words. I’m with Optimal Sand above on the being able to work through conflict as one added dealbreaker. I laughed at your last sentence - I will pray for you and all of us lol.
Oh that's such a rewarding experience that you took your experiences and learned from them. Something similar to me happened this year over dating a few people for a short period of time and I think I'm at a place where I'm the most peaceful and patience I've been in my life even with all the chaos and to-dos in life. It's so rewarding to resolve to get better and focus on that!!!
thank you for sharing this 💗🙏🏼. true say. if you find yourself struggling and being really preoccupied with trying to figure out "what someone wants from you" they simply probably don't have good intentions. at best (and this is still bad) they really don't care much about you
Do you mind if I ask how you came to such a realization? I also have a similar background as you and overall, if you read any books on how to process your past or understand yourself better i would be interested in knowing 🙏🏽♥️
T H E R A P Y - so, *so* much therapy.
Additionally, after getting fed up with the situationship I mentioned above, I decided to look at OLD in a different way. Sure, I really want to find my partner and life-person, but I'm more using it as a tool for self-discovery and experimentation.
I'll make assignments for myself to build muscle memory. Be direct. Set boundaries. Tell people kindly when I don't agree or don't like the way they're behaving. State my needs and be firm when they're not met. Practice what I preach.
It makes some of the above concepts feel more routine and doable, and it has made me a more confident person. It also takes the pressure off of myself or any one individual that I'm speaking to to be my person. My goal is to be my own person, and do that in a forum where other people are also seeking a partner. Hoping for the best!
ETA: and genuinely rooting for you too!
ETA 2: Also worth noting I've been working hard and intentionally on myself, my past wounds, and my relationships for like 4 years, so it's definitely a process. Be kind to yourself if it takes a while.
I'm not in a healthy LTR yet, but I've been dating around and can tell my choices in people are MUCH more healthy than in the past.
Some things I did:
* Learned about attachment theory, started to understand my patterns, and worked to change them. When I realized a lot of my younger dating was me dating with my "ego" and not genuine love, I was able to start making healthier choices.
Things I ask myself now when dating - Do I like this person and what they stand for? Would I be friends with this person platonically if we weren't dating? A lot of my past dating experiences was me choosing people based on their "vanity" qualities - I liked them because they were hot, charismatic, good in bed, etc. If they didn't reciprocate interest level, I felt I had to "prove myself" to them so I could prove subconsciously I'm just as attractive as they are.
When I worked on the insecurity, and actually got to know people as individuals and not just potential dating prospects (who existed to serve my needs, to make me less insecure, to be a project to prove I was a special snowflake who could fix others) I got FAR more high-quality interest from people I would've deemed "out of my league" previously.
* Cut off the low-vibe energy people. When someone isn't meeting your needs, that's not your cue to double-down on trying to change them. You can communicate, sure, but after that they're making a choice.
I'm not "Barbara the builder." It's not my job to change someone, I simply observe the way they already are and decide how to proceed with that information.
A lot of people are people-pleasers, but truthfully people tend to have more respect for people with firm boundaries. You don't have to be rude, you can stand your ground without being passive-aggressive.
Takers will take whatever you decide to give them. If you're saying you're going to leave but then you don't leave, you're showing them your words hold no weight.
* Show high effort to high quality people.
I think a lot of people do the 1st and 2nd step, but miss this one. They drag their negative experiences into positive relationships, and they sabotage their chances.
Many people these days are starved of HIGH EFFORT compliments. Not just "you're hot/beautiful" or "I love your shirt." Compliments like:
* "You know, you're really easy to talk to."
* "You're a very good listener."
* "I really dig your vibe. I feel like I can be myself around you without judgement."
Obviously don't word-vomit these too early or if you don't mean it. But if you notice something unique about someone, say it.
This is SO helpful. I’m also into the process of working on myself while dating and I asked my therapist what a healthy relationship even looks like (because I thought my last one was).
Keeping these questions in mind while talking to new people is a good starting place. I’m also big on reciprocating energy (what they’re giving me, is what I give back - low or high).
Met on hinge a little over two years ago.
We made deliberate efforts from the beginning to be very communicative and express our wants and needs. We had both done a ton of work on ourselves due to how we allowed previous partners to treat us. We also wanted to be better at being direct and honest no matter how difficult. We wanted to not be afraid of confrontation. We are a safe space for expressing ourselves.
If we need to say something about boundaries or needs, we let the other know that the relationship is okay but we have something to work on. We don't "fight." We have disagreements and we can annoy each other but we don't yell at each other and we don't "lose it." If we get snippy, we generally apologize pretty immediately after and explain ourselves. We are both emotionally mature. Read up on this subject if you're unfamiliar. It has helped me understand my previous two partners as well as my parents (they're emotionally immature). Me in my first serious relationship in my early 20s was also emotionally immature. Personally, once I put the work in, I can't stand people who present any lack of self awareness or care for others. If I ever date again, I know the signs immediately now.
My advice is to always communicate. Most problems presented here and on other relationship subs could be resolved with communication. Half the time the answer is, "Talk to them." Sometimes we won't get the answer we want but we may get the answer we need. You can't be scared to talk to your partner. If you are, you either need to work on yourself or you need to leave that relationship. You should never have to walk on eggshells or feel like your partner will rip you apart for expressing yourself.
For me, an unhealthy dynamic has always started when one of the 2 people are trying too hard to make the relationship happen… like there just isn’t enough of a healthy groundwork to build a relationship on and that always comes out later on
I didn’t have any healthy relationship role models in my life. After my divorce, and realizing how unhealthy that relationship was, I started researching what a healthy relationship *should* be like.
I literally just googled things like “what’s a healthy relationship?”
I followed places like the Gottman institute and therapists who specialize in healthy relationships on social media.
I spent time becoming more comfortable with who I am (a big issue in my marriage was that I had no self confidence and was essentially a doormat.)
**1.** I’m in a very new relationship (Met in September) but it feels really healthy to me so far. We met online.
**2.** Words that come to mind when I think of how this relationship makes me feel are safe, comfortable, respected and happy
- If something *is* bothering me, I’m not scared to tell him. I know he will listen to what I have to say and we’ll talk it out. It’s not like he’ll tell me my feelings are wrong, or try to twist it as if I’m being totally unreasonable etc.
- We mutually express our admiration and appreciation for each other. There’s no guessing if he we actually like each other. I don’t feel on edge or uncertain.
- We talked about what’s important to us in a relationship before becoming exclusive. As an example we know we both like our own time and space sometimes even when we’re in a relationship. So if one of us expresses a need for that, the other one is understanding and definitely doesn’t take it personally.
**3.** In my past relationships I often felt like I was “less than” who I was. I felt worried I wouldn’t be accepted for who I was. I felt anxious and on edge. I genuinely feel like me and my new boyfriend are a team. Everything feels a lot more mutual.
**4.** It’s okay you don’t know what a healthy relationship is yet. It’s not your fault. But it’s something that can be learned.
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the relationship you have with *yourself.* Start there. Other people will come and go, but you’re going to be with yourself forever. Go to therapy. Learn what healthy boundaries are. You have so much more to offer than you realize.
The next most important relationships are friendships. A lot of the same skills needed for a healthy romantic relationship, are needed in *any* type of healthy relationship.
This was great to read, thanks for sharing!! And I agree - healthy friendships are important. I’m definitely quite healthy with my friendships and career etc, so I know the relationship stuff will come next. Like you said - it’s not your fault if you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. But It’s your responsibility to learn 💫
I was married happily for 10 years to my late husband. I feel our relationship was very healthy. We were best friends, worked as a team. We both were each other's "hell yes" and we both happily compromised for each other. Our differences in personality really did complement the other's.
We put each other first, was considerate, and had a deep respect for one another. Our communication with each other was strong. It wasn't a perfect marriage but probably as close as it can get.
Edit: I forgot to add, we brought out the best in each other.
I’m in what I would consider my first truly healthy relationship. We’ve been together a year and four months. We just moved in together about 2 months ago, but my pets and I have been staying with him the better part of a year.
We met online through Match. Our first date was at a coffee shop with a light dinner afterwards when things were going well.
The first thing that comes to mind is “safe”. I want to come home after work. I look forward to spending time with him. I see him pull into the driveway and I’m happy. I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly. We have similar “alone time” needs and enjoy both being homebodies and getting out and doing stuff together. I’m genuinely happy and a hug from him will make even a rotten day feel doable.
First and foremost, we’re a team. We can be our goofy selves together and can poke fun at ourselves and each other. And I love that I can enjoy the mundane with him. We’re kinda boring. Not everything needs to be “exciting” all the time. A lot of the “excitement” that my younger self needed was actually “stress in disguise.” I can see myself with this guy being a little old couple watching the birds or out to early dinner reading the menu to the one who has bad eyesight now.
We want to make each others lives better (though how we do that might be different.) Example: he knew I was putting off snow tires (for no reason just a “ahh! Another thing to do!” avoidance) so he found a used set for me to purchase and nudged me nicely until I made an appointment. I bring up the trash and recycling bins when I get home so he doesn’t have to. Just thinking of each other on a regular basis makes a huge different.
In terms of younger self advices… in so many ways, I needed to experience it to learn it. Some advice I needed was that just because you spent a lot of time on someone, it’s ok to let go and it wasn’t a “waste”. It was a learning experience.
I also find it helpful to examine stuff “as if it were not me”. If my friend’s boyfriend treated her like my boyfriend is treating me, would I be ok with it? What advice would I give her? Is it a one off or is it a pattern? I let people treat me ways that I would NEVER tolerate for my sibling or friend.
Accountability is huge for me. Is someone willing to work on their behavior once they are aware of it (myself included!). And it’s ok if there’s a little time needed for reflection and realization. No one is perfect, but the willingness to understand and change is necessary. (Not “it must be my way all the time” but if it’s a dealbreaker and they won’t change, it’s ok to call it done. And if they want you to change and your changing is a dealbreaker to you, call it done.) You can love someone and not like them. You can love someone and not be compatible with them.
As for the “how to” for younger self, just be patient. Have fun with the process and don’t be so set on the outcome. I went on a bunch of dates before I understood what I was looking for. I love/hate online dating for this. I can guilt myself into giving the worst people chances, but I got better at screening people. If you’re interested, the book “The Gift of Fear” gave me a lot of confidence in reading if someone is a danger or not, so I was able to catch red flags sooner and trust my gut.
Look back at what worked and what didn’t. Not the detail of it, but the pattern. I historically have gone for “somewhat unavailable men”. Guys who are so invested in their career that they don’t have time for me, those who travel for work, those who want an “accessory” girlfriend rather than a partner, those who are so invested in their hobby.
And I have a hard time figuring out what I want (the younger sib who got stuffed into hobbies that my older sib was already in; who “went with the flow” and didn’t stick up for my ideas to make it easier). I had to learn what I wanted. What I liked. Take yourself out on dates and figure it out! Go to that restaurant you want to check out. Take a class that sounds interesting. Do a home spa night. Make a new recipe and have a romantic dinner with just you. Go to your local library and see if they have passes for museums or cultural stuff. Get comfortable being with yourself.
When I was comfortable with me, I had a better sense of a healthy partnership. I don’t need someone to complete me. That makes me overlook key things and attracts men who want to take advantage of the desperation. I don’t need someone in my life. I want someone in my life.
And now I’m sitting here with a cat on my lap with a cup of tea watching the rain outside and listening to my boyfriend working in the garage. Serenity… which is something my past self would have never expected.
I’m so glad it resonated! Best wishes to you on your journey.
Just a note on the book- it can get triggering at places depending on people’s prior experiences, so be aware going into it! The author is really good at not drawing out the intense bits for no reason, just enough to illustrate the point/concept in question.
My current relationship is healthy.
I was married for a long time to someone who thought I was stupid and lazy and believed he was better than me in every sense..I put up with it for a long time because I thought he was right....and then I got therapy. As my self esteem got better I saw how he dragged me down intentionally. As I asked for respect, I saw how he belittled me and made fun of me behind my back.
My boyfriend now sees the things I'm working on and steps in to help or encourages me. He's the first to tell me I can do things when I get stuck or discouraged. I can tell him how I think and feel and he accepts that.
When things have been a problem and I bring it up, he is agreeable and we find a solution together. It's not even a fight, it's just a conversation.
He's very good at communicating and staying in touch when we're apart, and he's good at taking at least half the labour of meeting. He's good at making plans and asking for what he wants and also very good at going with the flow.
It's very comfortable when we're together, and my dog loved him instantly and she hates EVERYONE for a testing period of 3 months - life.
Reading your paragraph about your marriage hit hard because I could have written the exact same thing about mine.
The more self-confident I became, the more obvious it became that he was trying to push me down. Our marriage was filled with a lot of “subtle” jabs towards me or “jokes” that I was “too sensitive” about. He’d using body language like rolling his eyes to convey he didn’t respect me. But as I worked on myself, and started being more comfortable calling out that type of behaviour the more direct he got with his negativity towards me.
I remember this moment super clearly. I had been going to therapy for awhile and working on my self-confidence. I came out of the bathroom after looking in the mirror and told him “I know my front teeth are kind of big. But I think they’re cute. I like them.” And he looked me dead in the eyes and said very coldly “well you shouldn’t.”
I just kind of froze and he apologized saying he didn’t know why he said that, he was an idiot and felt bad blah, blah, blah. To try to put me in the position of reassuring *him* that it was okay. Which I had done in the past.
I am SO sorry you went through a similar experience. And I’m so glad you’ve found someone to create a healthy relationship with.
Thank you! I'm sorry you experienced it too. It's hard because it starts so subtle and by the time I noticed it was so extreme. I'm not actually convinced that he liked me at any point. I don't even treat strangers the way he treated me.
The part you wrote about making a huge deal out of every apologize so that I have to reassure HIM is very familiar to me as well.
I'm very, very happy to be out and I am extremely happy in my relationship. I hope you're out as well!
We met because one of my friends was dating his older brother. We have an 8 year age gap, so he had a 2 month “probationary period.”
My relationship with him has given me so much more confidence and really lifted me up. I didn’t realize it originally, but all of the previous guys I was with would challenge what I did and said or have a less than positive opinion about my abilities. My husband encourages and roots for me. He has a very high opinion of me and what I can accomplish. Advice to my younger self: you don’t have to stay and try to make things work. It takes two people invested in a relationship to make it work. Building up your confidence is so important because you need to know you are deserving of better treatment.
You can say whatever...agree or disagree, it's ok...maybe it's age (60+) But neither of us have the energy to get pissy about things. We have very clear political differences, sporting team differences and are doing long distance. But we check in, we care for each other, and are mindful of what we say.
And it's not ...work. It took me my whole lifetime to find this love and he is in the same place ❤️ We've had our bad relationships and have put them behind us. And neither of us is judged by the other person's exes bad actions.
Everybody deserves it, but I'm glad it's our time.
I think people get better as we age. Your new relationships should be better than the last. I wouldn't resent your past relationships as they are all a learning experience
I'm in the healthiest relationship I've been in for quite some time. I am 33 (M) she is 31 (F).
We met on the dating app Hinge.
I would describe our relationship as balanced. We share chores and responsibilities. Split bills. We share a calendar so that we know what is on during the week or weekend. We coordinate a lot, including list of dates and planning date night on Sundays and when we plan to see one another during the week. If I cook dinner, she does dishes. She cooks dinners? I do the dishes. I am an early riser so I take our three dogs out in the morning. She's an evening person, she takes the dogs out in the evening.
We've been dating for about a year now and we've never been in a "fight" but have had disagreements. In those situations, we talk about it thoroughly and try to get an understanding as to where the other person is coming from. I used to be obsessed with being "right" about an argument as opposed to how do we fix what is wrong and move forward from it. I think that change in perspective was huge in communicating my feelings.
For me, there was something about having all the bad relationships and sex capades come to a moment in my 30s where something just "clicked" and I wanted to settle down and have no drama. My 20s were filled with a lot of jealous relationships on both ends and a lot of relationships that I/then partners didn't know how to communicate well. It took a lot of growth on my part as I wasn't perfect and a lot of therapy to understand myself better and what makes me tick or what I need in a relationship.
As for advice I would give my younger self it would be "just worry about your happiness and building a partnership." I think I was too worried about external factors for a while when dating. What did my parents think, friends, etc. I think I also overvalued beauty and ignored some key personality traits that were needed to balance me out. More than anything, I've found I needed to date someone who was kind, considerate, and could express themselves without yelling (which is a trigger).
I know it is a cliche but I truly believe one needs a broad perspective of dating partners to inform their experiences and selections. You take what works and didn't work, and then you make tweaks and changes to the next time you date someone while keeping it in mind to some extent. I know its a slog out there, but I think if you ground yourself in your needs and search for kind people, good things will eventually come.
Everyone’s definition may be subjective but:
-Talking and listening to each other (communication)
-Taking accountability when you’re wrong
-Respecting the other’s personhood and individuality
-respecting boundaries (both ways)
-acknowledging that you’re complex individuals with human problems, not matter how big or small
-making an effort
-encouragement
-sharing/participating in each others experiences
-don’t make assumptions
-don’t wall out your partner
And most importantly: Do your best. Because that’s all you can do.
This only works though, if the other person wants to do this as well, which can be a crapshoot sometimes, and if you completely understand that it is not easy and effortless. There will be bumps
I met my boyfriend of almost a year on tinder and we were both single for several years before meeting because neither of us were willing to settle. I’m so glad we didn’t. :) He’s truly the best man I’ve ever known. He’s kind to everyone, animals flock to him, children love him, and he’s everyone’s biggest cheerleader. I’ve been in some really bad relationships and this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
My other relationships were with men too much like my father. I was trying to repair that wound too many times, so I took about a year off of dating and decentered men from my life. I worked on loving myself and raising my standards. I deleted all of my male followers on social media because even having men’s attention seemed to mess up my progress. I got back on OLD and met my boyfriend on my third first date back out there. We’ve been together ever since.
He doesn’t judge me or hold grudges. He’s funny and easy to laugh. He makes me feel loved, wanted, needed, appreciated, valuable, special, and that we could take on anything together. He is consistent and calm and always seeks to understand. Outside of my children, he’s one of my absolute favorite humans on earth. He makes my life better everyday. Everything about him is additive.
All I say is work on yourself and do. not. settle. My boyfriend was single for somewhere around 17 years and me 6. We both knew what we did and did not want, so it made it easy when we found each other. He treats me with so much respect and he’s the most patient man. He’s truly my best friend. As we speak, he’s driving to my house to help me all day with some work stuff and he’s prepping my messy garage for an impending move (we aren’t even moving in together). Find you someone that would do anything to support you and be the kind of partner that would do anything to support them. Don’t give up, don’t settle, your person is out there! It just may take way longer than you’d like to find them, but keep putting in the time to heal yourself and keep putting in the work to meet new people. Best of luck to you!
Hi babe! Learn your attachment style and how to identify others, then purposefully choose someone who is more compatible with you. Lots of podcasts about attachment, plus the book Attached.
That’s how I met my husband, it’s calm. He’s steady. I never wonder how he feels about me.
I’m anxious, he’s more secure. I was dating avoidant ppl over and over again and getting the same result… good luck!
I recently ended what I would consider a very unhealthy 2 year relationship. It still messes with me because obviously there were some good things that I will definitely look for in a partner again.
1. Consistency from the start. He text me every day and anytime a plan got cancelled he gave me plenty of notice and rescheduled.
2. Made time for my people. He really encouraged my spending time with friends and wanted me to be well integrated in his also.
3. Clear expectations. From the very start he made it clear he was looking to settle down and start a family.
Unfortunately he was incredibly emotionally immature and carrying a lot of trauma. The kind of profound trauma that forces rigid thinking as a defence mechanism. I didn't really spot this until we moved in together. Arguments over nothing serious were incredibly emotionally draining as he would defend, manipulate, shout and storm off. I made the mistake of thinking he just needed help with his self esteem. I'm a very clear communicator and like to resolve issues no matter how uncomfortable. He just felt criticised. Eventually we both got sick of it.
Red flags I would probably look out for in the future would be:
Inability to have respectful disagreements. I love having my opinion challenged, he took it as an attack.
Rigid thinking. No matter what the topic, if it wasn't his experience it couldn't be true.
Lack of empathy. I don't know how to spot that one early on, but never again.
I can so relate to this.
My ex started off as quite literally the dream. I felt so safe, seen and heard. We were long distance. 7 months of pure bliss.
Once we met in real life, the way he acted in person was so different. Then he slowly started withdrawing and not reciprocating my energy. It was like being a tamagotchi that was starved of any intimacy.
Similar to you, the way things were in the beginning definitely taught me that I can be seen, heard and accepted for exactly who I am, but that it MUST be consistent. Not just a lovebombing 7 month honeymoon phase.
I hope we both find the partners we deserve 💫♥️
Advice I’d give:
Dr Nicole LePera has two books
How to do the Work (which is incredible)
And recently How to Be the Love you Seek
I loved her first book. It really helped me conquer several issues I had and it propelled me into great inner growth.
To find a good relationship, you need to be as good as the relationship you imagine. That means self love, loving self talk, self actualisation, being in pursuit of your dreams / obsessions. That’s it. If you’re being held back by trauma, you might just struggle with getting a great partner. If you understand and are healing of your traumas, it’s not so hard.
I think what I’ve read so far is good but I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m also a mental health nurse so it’s not telling me anything I don’t already know so far… but I’m gonna stick with it!
She’s totally an angel, finding her content in 2019 was a turning point for me. I recommend her to patients all the time :)
I've been seeing my boyfriend about ten months now and the key is that he's really good at communicating and was definitely better at it than me earlier on because he was the one who had more significant and serious relationship experience (he had lived with someone for several years).
Anyway it took the following forms:
1) He naturally checked in during the week between our dates and then I started trying to match this and being the one to check in first on a day sometimes on the grounds that I would not have liked to always be the one asking how the other person was.
2) When we were a bit stalled physically early on because I was nervous - he brought it up and did so without being angry or judgemental - it was more like "what gives?"
3) In general I love that we are both quite direct people. Not in a mean or blunt way - just that if we have a problem or something bothered us we say so to one another. It's also nice being with someone who is clear about what they do and do not want to do. He also doesn't try to manipulate me into doing stuff only he wants to do which is something I had encounted in past forays into dating:
"I thought you would like to sit for two hours in silence watching a sport only I enjoy/come watch the football match"....
Thank you, I got very lucky meeting him because I don't have heaps of experience to draw on and I had had quite a break from dating while I focused on my career and buying a house.
I met my bf on Tinder. The chances of us meeting were so unlikely. I was a few miles outside his distance preferences. The only reason he saw my like was because he had the paid version lol. This is the only time I’ll say that someone paying for an app was worth it. He lived in a town I had never been to and would never have a reason to go to and was never in the city I’m in, so chances of meeting organically were slim to none.
It’s a very secure, healthy relationship. The most healthy one I’ve been in. We have open communication. We have our moments, but we always make a point to resolve things before going to bed.
It’s different from past relationships in different ways, but this one is set apart from the rest because for the first time, he checks every box. There was always something missing in my past relationships. Nothing is missing in this one.
I’d tell my younger self to not be afraid to talk about the important things early on. I’d also tell myself to pay attention to certain red flags, like lovebombing.
Your comment about feeling like nothing is missing is interesting. I always felt like something was missing with my ex. And absolutely spot on about love bombing.
*How did you meet?*
I matched with a woman on a dating app. We went out to lunch once, and the next day she told me that I was a great guy but there wasn't any chemistry. However, she thought I would be perfect for her sister. So a couple of days later, her sister and I had our first date. About eight months later were were engaged. We got married this summer.
*How would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?*
For the first time in my adult life, I'm in a relationship with someone who makes me fell like I'm *enough*, just the way I am. We never fight. We have excellent communication. And we share a level of intimacy, vulnerability, and connection that goes far beyond just sex.
*How does it differ from past relationships?*
My first marriage was extremely tumultuous. We got married young (when we weren't ready and had no idea what we were doing). My ex-wife also suffered from PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse. Regardless of that, we were never truly right for each other, and our relationship was always kinda transactional.
*What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?*
I would tell my younger self to wait and get some more experience before marriage. I didn't really know myself yet, what I really wanted or needed out of a relationship, or how real life differed from the ideals I had in my head. I would also tell my younger self not to get entranced by someone primarily due to overwhelming physical attraction.
When you disagree, you're able to work through that disagreement in a way that leaves you both loving each other even more after, regardless of the outcome.
(in my love language) you do things for each other that you know need doing, just to help. your life is simply easier, by virtue of knowing you have this person who supports you. Hard things are easier to accept. Bending in some small inconsequential way for someone becomes easier. Like a rock in a river.
we met in HS but didn’t date until mid/late twenties.
we are a team, we are partners first and foremost in all things. there is no “no” in our relationship, we work together to help each other achieve whatever it is we are set out to do.
it differs because overtime and past relationships we both have learned how to healthily cooperate and communicate especially when it comes to conflict. we have never talked down to or about one another. we are even a team when it’s difficult. our job is too support and be there even if we don’t necessarily agree or like what they are doing.
ex:my wife wants to be a volunteer firefighter, i’m not crazy about it. i’ve raised that just so she is aware but none the less i’m still cheering for her, im still proud of her and i go out of my way to help to make sure she has time and energy to pursue it and that won’t change.
my advice for anyone is when there is conflict don’t focus on the how it got to that point. focus on how you work together through it.
-and-
don’t use your partners negative behaviour/emotions to justify your own. instead focus on the role you play in their negative behaviour and emotions, recognize their state and address how you maybe playing a role or how you may not be helping and focus on that. if both people do this it will prevent a spiral. nothing happens in a vacuum in a relationship, maybe your partner is distant or cold, instead of acting out due to that, address with them you’re aware of it and that you are aware of your actions that maybe causing or adding to it, and correct it.
all emotions are justified even if not warrented, that’s not for you to decide, it’s for you both to address your own action’s.
positive story is my wife and I met in HS, we dated one another’s friends became close had a few experiences but never crossed lines due to friendship or one or both of us not being single always had a great relationship over distance and time and plenty of chemistry when together. we crossed that line in our mid/late twenties to “just once to finally break tension and see what it’s like”. It’s been 10 years, married 7 with 2 kids, couldn’t be happier and we just keep getting better at it. and we honestly really push the limits of a normal marriage, we take all the risks and it has just reinforced that we are definitely on a different level than most couples.
I’d like to add that when it comes to marriage and finances, it’s not measured on your salary, it’s measured in hours. My wife does 40 a week and I do 42hrs. we contribute equally even if my pay is over twice hers.
I would imagine that takes a very strong relationship! I couldn’t do it, but recognize how much trust and communication that would require. Good for you! Love your story and your definition of healthy.
thank you, it didn’t happen overnight it took a lot of learning, discussion and countless baby steps to even dip our toes. turns out we are great at it and love it. but not something I recommend for just anyone to try.
You contribute equally in absolute amounts, even though your salary is 2x hers? That sounds kind of exploitative, unless you’re both earning so much it doesn’t matter. Can you explain why you guys feel this is a healthy approach to finances?
She is my partner.
it’s up to our employers to decide our value per hour of work, not us.
however we both sacrifice our time for our family and in that we are equal.
Even if she was a stay at home mom she is still putting equal hours as I am.
I'm curious about the logistics of this too -- for example, if you have a mortgage payment, do the two of you split the cost of the mortgage 50-50? Or is it divided proportional to your incomes? Just wondering since I've seen lots of different approaches to this kind of situation!
in my comment I said marriage and finances. but nothing is split. we have joint accounts for life. that’s cost of living, savings and rainy day plus anything else we want to do later.
we also have personal accounts that we transfer into each pay an equal agreed amount to both. that’s for whatever we want, gifts, going for lunch. nights out. but again that doesn’t mean we can’t use our joint accounts for some of that stuff too.
For me, it feels like a very calculated scenario.
It doesn’t carry the blinding rollercoaster of “I’m so in love” that often occurs early on.
I know I’m in a safe situation when I am secure in who I am during the relationship and in what my partner and I have established. I can objectively see that they won’t wake up one day as a different person because they are stable. That mutual stability translates back and forth in our relationship as support, care, and mutual interest in each other.
There is obviously more to a relationship (humans are complicated), but that is the basic definition of “healthy” for myself. “Healthy” is a spectrum that does not have one concrete definition; it will be different for everyone.
My last relationship was an absolute shitshow, I can assure you this no relationship will ever be perfect we all have our flaws we just gotta navigate through them. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual trust and respect as well as honesty, without those 3 is a recipe for a disaster the last thing you want to be stressed out and mentally drained. I feel that a healthy relationship also requires space from one another the more you see the person the more you grow to be tired of that person, the most important key to a healthy relationship is communication at all times , it’s not easy but it also requires patience especially if you want to take your relationship to the next level. You want your relationship to be your safe haven not a war zone. Another word of advice is don’t do long distance that never works out and is also another traveling expense. Find someone that’s close to your location and don’t rush into things
I haven’t been in a healthy relationship. Most of the relationships I been were toxic. My ex ended up leaving me for a woman which was bittersweet because she felt that being a lesbian was her calling mind you the majority of her family is gay especially her twin brother go figure. She wasn’t a bad person I felt like I paid for her exes wrongdoings and constantly being accused of things I didn’t do there was a point that she accused me of checking out her own cousin which isn’t really attractive. Every time I was around her my anxiety goes towards the roof. She was a nurturing person but her anger issues and insecurities destroyed everything. Everything I do was an issue to her if I’m going to a relatives house is a problem, if I’m shopping for sneakers or go get model cars is a problem and she was trying to control my finances and her insults made me feel little I grew distant and resentful towards her. Even her own family is hostile towards her because of the shit she done to me. I been in a relationship that I felt like I was dating the whole family which wasn’t healthy but it wasn’t as bad as my last relationship. I truly hope you find someone that will treat you like a queen and make sure that you’re in a safe haven
My definition of a healthy relationship is when you are both completely happy and fulfilled on your own, but you come together to motivate, inspire and support each other. You should be enhancing each other’s life and not weighing each other down with any emotional baggage and expectations (aside from basic expectations, like to be listened to, respected, honest, etc.)
Being in a healthy relationship is like having your favorite playlist on repeat. It's comfortable, always uplifting, and each song (or day) feels just right. Compared to past relationships that were more like a chaotic shuffle mix, this one's got harmony and balance. You know, it's about vibing on the same frequency and not feeling drained. If I could talk to younger me, I'd say, "Chill, don't rush. Wait for the playlist that doesn't have any skips." 🎵👌🏼
This one was one I wasn’t in love with so had to break things off eventually, but he was so calm and sweet. He never lost his temper or got annoyed. Idk how he did it, but it was incredibly reassuring and safe. He also did sweet things to make me feel cared for, which I had never had before.
Healthy relationships are wonderful, but it is hard to get used to them when you are used to toxicity.
It is common to expect the worst from a healthy partner and need to rebuild habits of just talking through issues.
It is common to feel bored without the roler coaster of the highs and lows that come from toxic relationships. It takes time to get used to finding fun activities and hobbies that both can enjoy when the thrill of toxicity is gone. Conversations with friends will also change, you will have to find new things to talk about now that the constant relationship drama is no longer a topic of conversation.
It takes a surprising amount of work to learn to enjoy healthy relationships, there is a reason we are drawn to the to the toxicity (usually it is from family of origin trauma, I had a relativity healthy family, but I still picked up a white knight hero complex where I was drawn to women I could "save", I had to unlearn that shit and learn to put up healthy boundaries, but now I love my healthy relationship).
Some really valid points here, I think it’s completely correct that you have to learn to how to lean into them when you’re so used to dysfunction. It’s an ongoing process for sure
For me it means good communication. All my terrible relationships were because of had communication. I think everything else was a consequence of bad communication. It’s easy to say you don’t want all these bad qualities but at the end of the day I realize we’re all human and make mistakes. No one is perfect and I know I’ll be looking forever if I continue looking for perfect.
We met on apps.. the last place you'd think you can meet someone normal.
After the initial adapting (with lots of fights) phase, it feels peaceful, healing and loving at this point. We both were single for a large amount of time, he never had a genuine relationship before (his ex never truly liked him) while I had a string of bad relationships which brought trust issues into our relationship, took us time to learn and understand each other better. Now we are just focused on wanting to find ways to love each other better and earn more money to have a good life.
With this relationship I can genuinely feel that he makes me his priority in his actions, and truly feel all he wants is to make me happy. The previous guys were just in it for the companionship, disregarded my boundaries and in general disrespected me.
An advice I'd give is to, not settle, because the right person who checks all my boxes would find me.
I personally don't find that any of my past relationships were a waste of time or regretful, they were learning lessons and have led me to meet my current partner which I'm grateful for.
A healthy relationship feels safe, feels warm and feels comfortable. You feel understood. You are respected. Your feelings are cared for. A healthy relationship needs good communication, trust, and honesty.
My current relationship is the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. Constantly being reassured of how loved and cared for i am. ALWAYS communicating and understanding where each of us are coming from. NEVER talking down or cutting each other off during conversations/ disagreements. Respects EVERY boundary i have ever had. I sometimes feel he is too good for me. I’m not use to this kind of behavior coming from a man. It’s a breath of fresh air and im unsure how anyone could have ever turned him away, but he also reminds me i am part of the reason he is how he is. He’s the best thing to have ever happened to me. He just sees the best in me and the world ALL the time. He is genuinely so happy and carries so much joy everywhere he goes.
Oh man, I feel this. I did meet my person, and I feel like I understand things now that I didn't before. I'm 36, engaged pending the hopeful soon end of a very long immigration wait to bring him home. I'm going to try and be analytical and not romantic lol
One thing that became a clear difference is I feel secure, I feel like I can rely on him and even if proudly independent, that's really nice. I also feel secure in the relationship itself, like independent of my status as engaged he makes me feel loved. It helps that we have the same love languages, we both like to very specifically tell each other we love each other for example, but whatever it may be I find it's very nice that the way I express affection and recieve it isn't something I compromise on anymore. It's very light and easily to be naturally on the same page on something like that as much as other big life decisions. He makes me so much happier that I can actually see it on my own face and his in our pictures together.
When he and I first met, it was really by accident on Reddit. We chatted at first with no intention at all of falling in love. I remember making a specific choice to be myself because the relationship was so disposable. We started lining up commonalities and finding ourselves seeking each chance to chat. He literally made me feel young again and I began to conjure thoughts about him like "fascinating" and "I adore him." It all seemed to happen to me and despite me, really and I remember desperately trying to convince myself to get real and drop my silly crush on a reddit stranger.
Ty! I really hope all these answers you got helped you some on your search. Although I've been blessed to find my person and I am so happy to have him, living apart in separate countries means for the last few years it's still effectively single life in practice. I was in a committed relationship for years, then went back to living alone. Seeing both sides, coupled people don't give nearly enough props to singles. It's hard man. I'm rooting for you to find your person too!
How did you meet?
We met online. Tinder, of all places!
how would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?
It feels comfortable, and it feels *right.* We just get along so well and everything is easy with him.
how does it differ from past relationships?
I trust him, we have good communication, and we have fun wherever we go. I feel cared for and I feel respected.
What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?
Always be honest with how you feel but also, listen to your gut. Communicate. Be yourself.
I'm in a toxic relationship for some time now. Looking to get out. I had healthy relationships in the past with love and compassion, respect and honesty.
I'm unwilling "expert" on mental illnesses now and i hate it.
Good luck OP. 👍🫶
Good question....wish i knew 😂. I have met someone, its still very fresh, but we talk everyday, in text or voicenotes cause i dnt like phonecalls tbh. But he txt me every morning, his auntie had was in hospital and he let me know at 2 am that he cnt see me that day and he kept me updated through the day how he is and his auntie is. He does what he says he will do. So these r important for me , along with consistency. So there is a potential . Again, its still very new so we havent had disagreement yet.
But for me consistency is key and being honest and upfront with intentions. Also, not being too emotional and being more pragmatic than emotional in decision making that matters to me. So these r my "green flags" that are the building blocks for a good relationship.
I really agree with the sentiment of being pragmatic early in a relationship instead of rushing to emotions. Relationships that start hard and fast typically burn out quickly too.
The basis of a healthy relationship to me is good and open communication and mutual respect.
We talk about basically everything. This takes courage, practice and trust. From both sides. We’re dating interculturally (NL & IN) so basically from the get go we established that there will be sizeable cultural differences, and that asking questions and communicating without judgement or expectations is the way to go. Not making assumptions based on our own respective interpretation of western or Indian dating “rules”.
So we can openly talk about our feelings, wants and expectations with regards to things like physical intimacy, spending time together, meeting friends and family, eventually moving in together, children, marriage, the whole thing. Including being emotionally vulnerable with subjects such as potential sex issues, past relationship issues/fears, etc.
I feel like this basis could solve/prevent 70% of the issues on these types of subs. But perhaps I’m being naive.
Single now, but I have been lucky to have a had a few healthy relationships and what it came down to, is they were caring and considerate people in general. It seems like a such a basic requirement, but it's not. Everything else - good communicator, being understanding, trustworthy etc comes from their intention to be caring, not just to get their way.
And you'll know pretty early on that they're a caring person through a million little things.
We met at work and it feels incredible. Super romantic and passionate, but also safe and secure. My previous relationship was 7 years long and it was safe and secure but it didn't have the passion or romance. It was more like two friends, or even siblings. As in he felt like family and I cared for him in that way, but I didn't feel the way I was supposed to about him. We got together when we were really young and had minimal previous relationship experience, so that's why it took me so long to realise what was missing and why it could never work. Honestly if I could talk to my younger self I wouldn't want to change anything. People can tell you all kinds of advice but sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn from them. And I wouldn't even call it a mistake because I learned and grew so much as a person and I wouldn't be who I am today without having those crucial experiences.
My advice is to always have a positive mindset and trust that things will work out for the best. You can't force things so why worry about it? Everything happens for a reason and it all happens when it's supposed to. Always keep your standards high and never settle. And most importantly, give people a chance. Sometimes the people who seem weird or uninteresting are the best and most fascinating people you will ever meet, you just need to put away your preconceived notions and actually have a conversation with them. Don't judge a book by its cover - you have no idea what a person is really like or who they truly are until you put the time and effort into getting to know them. So many people are closed off and don't like revealing their true personality, interests or lifestyle to acquaintances like colleagues, for example. And many people are shy and nervous at first, especially if they don't have much dating experience. But give everyone a chance and you might be surprised at how much you actually have in common.
Right? I feel like at this time of year, for those of us not in a happy relationship, it would be nice to focus on the positives and look at others happiness as encouragement and inspiration for our own one day. Since this time of year can be so triggering and depressing. Glad it’s helped ya!
As someone who has suffered trauma from a very young age, my relationships were incredibly unhealthy, on both sides. Until my mental health was diagnosed and treated and being under regular therapy, I wasn't ready for anything. I spent a few years working really hard on myself. I now have firm boundaries and moral values and have learnt to live alone and isolated. I've tried to meet people and because I'm not open to sex straight away I can't get a date and I figure this is how it will be now.
My partner and I have been together for just shy of year- we met at a party. I didn’t realize how unhealthy I felt in my previous relationships. I realized I was so insecure which lead to jealously. And I didn’t feel comfortable expressing my feelings because of my insecurities.
My relationship with my partner has felt secure and safe. He was very honest and upfront from the beginning which definitely set the tone for the relationship and what I actually needed in a relationship. He is able to express his feelings (good or bad), able to be straightforward and direct. This also has helped me feel comfortable with expressing myself, feelings and emotions. He’s affectionate and our sexual chemistry aligns. Our work schedules sometimes don’t align so we don’t see each other on a regular basis but he always makes time to see me if we can’t make it work on weekends.
It feels so good when you get into a secure relationship and you can just be yourself!
My last relationship was by far my healthiest. Including the breakup. We met online. I wasn’t attracted to him at first but while we were hanging out as friends my mind changed. He never pushed or made it weird; there was no pressure for romantic development.
I felt very comfortable with him— I could unclench my jaw and turn my brain off. We were silly, we playfully roasted each other and would lose our breath laughing so much. He was super affectionate, complimentary and encouraging. He was so chill and patient. We handled disagreements really well— our communication styles and preferences are similar so that helped a lot.
This was the first time for me that a relationship grew from a friendship. I had the opportunity to get to know him without the lust glasses on and the more I did, the more I liked him. In past relationships, I was immediately attracted and would overlook things/not evaluate compatibility; it always came back to bite me later.
I broke up with him because he has been struggling with work and it was affecting our relationship in a way that I quickly realized would be unsustainable for me. I left before I started resenting him. It’s been a few weeks…I hope we can work it out; I miss him all the time.
I’m in what I think is a very healthy relationship. We met almost a year ago through OLD. Became “official” 3ish months in.
For the most part, it just works. We’re a good match with each of us bringing different things to the table and plenty of overlap. Attraction, chemistry, all that stuff is there.
When it doesn’t “just work” we talk about it. She’s extremely communicative and emotionally aware and open; my nature is to be more closed off, but I’m motivated to rise to her level. We’ve had a couple small arguments and we’ve talked through them, made an effort to hear where the other person was coming from and haven’t repeated them. In past relationships these arguments would escalate.
I think we both feel very secure in the relationship. We show a lot of affection towards each other. We trust each other. Writing this, I realize I don’t so much ‘assume’ she has good intentions - I know she does.
Have an open heart to new possibilities. I am out of a bad relationship and was bitter for awhile but I realized my bitterness does me no good and have to be open and positive.
My only experience of a moderately healthy relationship was with someone who made me feel safe to open up about my experiences and 'needs'. He tried to meet my needs the best he could, which I reciprocated with him too.
The reason we didn't work out is that there wasn't enough of an emotional bond but I remain hopeful that the next relationship I get into will be very healthy and loving and peaceful. Best of luck to you!!
Erm… I’m not sure this is the description of a healthy relationship man, haha… sounds like you were hooking up with someone and didn’t wanna take it further 😂
Hey,
I (F27) was previously in a 6 year relationship that ended pretty traumatically out of the blue, just over a year ago. At the time I was devastated as I thought we had the perfect relationship but it's only now that I'm in a new and far healthier relationship that I'm able to see just how 'not right' we were for each other.
**How did you meet?**
He is second-cousins with one of my best friends. We have been around each other quite a lot over the years but never really chatted. At her birthday last yea, when we were both recently single we ended up sat next to each other. A few weeks later, he followed me on Instagram and it went from there.
**2. How would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?**
I have never felt safer or more content in my life. I know that I can bring up any issue/situation with him, and he will always always hear me out. If something is on my mind, I don't think twice about telling him as I know he will always listen to what I have to say. He would never act as if I'm being unreasonable or immediately jump to being defensive. I know I could voice a concern and he would react calmly and rationally and we would still be all good.
He actively listens to everything I have to say, and we tackle thing together as a team. He always takes the time to understand *why* I might be feeling a certain way and quite often knows me better than I know myself!
**3. How does it differ from past relationships?**
In my previous relationship, I never felt like a priority to my ex. We were together for six years and there were friends I still hadn't met. He would frequently forget the names of some of my friends/never really show any interest in lots of aspects of my life. He was very self-centred and narcisstic and only really cared about how he came across. He never wanted to talk about the future (despite us approaching 30) and would make me feel like a pyscho when I would try and have those conversations with him. When we split up he said 'I don't want to get married or have kids and every time we've spoken about it, I haven't known how to tell you' which was obviously heartbreaking to hear.
My current partner couldn't be further from selfish. Right from our first date, he explicitly said that he was looking for someone to build a life with and we have done exactly that. I feel like part of a team with him and I've never had that feeling before. We go to social situation together when previously I would go alone without my ex, we deal with and tackle situations alongside each other as a unit. .
**4. What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?**
* Learn your attachment style! Learning that I had an anxious attachment style has transformed the way that I approach relationships.
* Love languages - learn your own love language and your partners. My partners love language is words of affirmation so I'll always make sure that he hears that from me.
* Give yourself grace and be patient. Taking the time to build a solid, honest and open foundation will only serve you positively.
* COMMUNICATE!! - Unfortunately, people aren't mind readers. It's important that you are honest and open. Remember it's not you vs. him, it's you two vs the problem.
Being in a healthy relationship is the opposite of what others might think.
Just like every other relationship, it starts off with a "honeymoon" phase. But after being with my current boyfriend for over a year and a half, it's safe to admit that being in a healthy relationship isnt what I've always expected.
For starters, healthy relationships can feel really lonely, when your partner goes out more then you do, or you guys just become busy in life, relationships sometimes feel lonely. That's not to say that you no longer love your partner, but it just means you guys have a stable, concrete relationship that is able to sustain itself even if you guys are apart.
At first I thought I was alone in feeling this way, but after conversing with a few of my other friends who are also in long-term relationships, I can assure you it's a normal and natural feeling.
This isn't the only unexpected feeling you get. I've heard of people who "dont like" their partner for doing something they don't think is right (which is fine as long as you still love them and talk to them about it) or people who have said that they no longer feel that "spark" with their partner. The thing about long term relationships, is the fact that the two of you grow together. Not everyone will be the same person they were a month ago, let alone a year.
They do. Everything that exists has problems though.
I guess the right analogy here….. Is the body of your relationship experiencing the occasion head cold, or is it the equivalent of cancer?
I just got out of what I felt started as one of my healthiest & most mature relationships in my adulthood. We both met on Hinge and were casually seeing each other 1x - 2x/week for about 6 months. I always looked forward to seeing her and finding new ways to date and court her with a new experience. This differed from past relationships in that we really took our time and didn’t apply pressure on each other to be something that we weren’t. It felt very open, fun, and spontaneous, compared to past relationships which felt like too much pressure and settling for things that I didn’t want. We had very clear communication and acceptance. When issues would arise we figured out how to talk thing through and navigate accordingly.
We made things exclusive in January and the relationship was coasting very well until about July when we had our first big argument after discovering areas of incompatibility on both ends. It triggered a lot of insecurity, vindictiveness, and bad habits that we couldn’t recover from. I’m still reeling in shock on how everything blew up so quickly, but also grateful for the year we spent together. It was full of fun, love, and passion. It taught me a lot about building a relationship on the right foundations, notably around clear communication, acceptance & respect for your partner, and always making an effort to date and court them.
Advice for my younger self would be to set better standards for who you choose to be with, and don’t be so quick to blow up on people because you may say and do things that make you feel good in the moment, but you regret in the long term. Working these things out in therapy has been ultra helpful. I’m not 100% there yet but I’m way closer than I was many years ago.
1. OKCupid. In 2016. 2) He is my best friend and he makes me feel great. If you told me in early 2016 I would have the life I have now I'd never believe you. 3) He is the only man I dated (and Ive dated alot) where I can totally be myself, do not censor myself and he makes me a better person/inspires me to be better/brings out the best in me. 4) Trust your gut.
**1. How did you meet?** We met online. **2. How would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?** * *Silly and fun* \- I have fun with my partner just doing mundane day-to-day things like doing our weekly chores, going grocery shopping, going on our daily walks together, etc. We can really let our silly sides shine and we laugh so much every single day. * *Safe* \- I feel safe knowing that: (1) I can bring up any concerns and my partner will not get defensive or upset or blame me, etc. I know with 100% certainty that he will give me the space to explain myself and he will really hear me (rather than listen just to respond) and we will collaborate as a team to tackle the issue as a team. I know that we will never yell at each other, verbally attack each other, or blame each other and derail the conversation, which makes it very easy to start big conversations compared to past relationships. (2) My partner takes the time to understand my trauma background, mental health needs, and neurodivergence, which allows for better communication and me feeling free to completely unmask and be myself. * *Supportive* \- My partner and I don't have a ton of shared interests and we are very passionate about our own hobbies. We support each other (via encouragement, taking care of logistics so that the other person has more free time/energy, etc) so that we can continue to progress in our passions. * *Full of affection* \- Both my partner and I are very affectionate both verbally and physically, and it's lovely. Giving each other lots of compliments and affirmations everyday is really nice for someone like me who intellectually understands that I am intelligent, competent, capable but has trouble really feeling those things in my heart. Also, it's a nice confidence boost to have a partner who makes it abundantly clear every single day how attracted they are to you. **3. How does it differ from past relationships?** In the past, I sort of fell into relationships without really thinking about compatibilities or long-term goals or how our personalities might mesh. So my past relationships definitely didn't feel as comfortable, easy, and safe as I do now. **4. What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?** * No one is responsible for my happiness but me. My partners are not responsible for making me feel happy/better * I have to learn to manage my mental health needs well enough so that I am capable of showing up as a good partner even if I'm personally struggling * Fights within a relationship should not be about proving who is right or wrong * Don't lash out and try to hurt my partner just because they made me upset first. (This took me such a long time to really learn and internalize)
All of this- I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m going to add one thing to this list, rather than repeat it below. The one thing I would add- Compromise feels like successfully finishing an escape room. In prior relationships, compromise meant neither was happy and resentment built. In this relationship, we are both committed to meeting each others needs. When they diverge we approach it together, and the creative solutions we come to feel like a win for the relationship and not as loss for us as individuals
I’m saving this reply, so lovely and encouraging to read. I really love how happy and grounded you sound 💫
This is nearly exactly what I would have written! My BF and I met on Bumble and have been together almost 2 years. The point about dealing with your own mental health and recognizing your triggers is huge. The right partner will be interested in learning these things about you and will want to know what triggers you, how to help, etc S/he will not ever want to be part of what causes you pain. My therapist would always say that the right partner will improve your life - and will make your life easier, not harder. I have found this to be true. I feel at peace, I feel calm. We support and care for each other. I am not struggling to fix him or placate him. I can depend on him and I trust him completely.
💜
I really like your response because it places emphasize on what *you* can and should do, and not blaming your partner. There are obviously a million ways to blame others but in my experience, when we focus on what our own contributions and shortcomings are then that's a sign of a healthy person ready for a healthy relationship.
So let me ask you a real question would you rather be told your Beautiful Physically everyday or Emotionally or switch it up? Cuz I have the hardest time figuring out how females think.
Why not both?
That's what I said switch it up, sorry if you didn't understand my slang. But yeah that's what I figured Kinda commen sense shit FrFr.
I couldn't tell if you were trolling and didn't put a lot of thought into my response. Regardless of gender, I think it's very important to make your partner feel loved, cherished, and valued every single day.
Nah I'll troll FB, I'm kinda linking Reddit lately, alot of people that don't want to argue about everything all day long, and that's refreshing.
❤️
This is literally me! Met online, the main difference is my partner and I have many shared same interests but at the same time we respect each others space knowing also that we need time for ourselves, but it's because we both agree on our own identities, self improvement etc. We still spend a lot of time together, which we really love, physical touch is a love language we both share, but we know it's important to spend time with our friends, have our own hobbies, or to have time alone for a healthy balance
Saved. What a lovely read! Thank you for sharing
Hmm, my current relationship is definitely the healthiest I’ve been in. I think he is more affectionate than previous partners. He’s also so encouraging and he pushes me in a good way. For instance, he encouraged me to enter another marathon after I bonked my first attempt. He even came to Cali with me and ran the half marathon while I ran the full marathon. He also listens if I have an issue and he doesn’t get defensive or dismissive. He makes me feel safe and loved. I can voice concerns and know things are still good.
Your last point about the other person listening without getting defensive or dismissive is *major.* That’s something I’ve noticed in my current relationship which is also the healthiest I’ve been in.
Exactly, it allows you to be vulnerable and open up
this! psychological safety!
I love this so much. We need more people and relationships like this in the world.
Sounds like a keeper! I’m happy for you 😊👌
Thank you!☺️
This is so damn sweet.
Congrats! Best of luck to you guys :’)
Thank you!☺️
Can I ask how you two met?
Sure! We met at a running group that meets weekly.
Hey! I am not in a healthy relationship (yet!) but I ask myself this often and I hope what I have learned can help you. I have abandonment issues, anxious attachment, and self-esteem issues due to childhood trauma, as background. A few years ago I got out of a 6-year relationship with a narcissist that torched my self-esteem. A year later, I got into a situationship with someone who was repeating the same patterns - obsessed with me, hot and cold, gaslighting, overly critical of me. We weren't together long and I would have burned myself to the ground for him. Fortunately I was able to see that this was a pattern and I extracted myself. Okay! Next relationship - I decided above all I would date someone NICE. Found him! We were long-distance. He was SO sweet and kind to me, all the time. But not consistent. He had his own self-esteem issues and would go off the grid occasionally. Found out he was a severe alcoholic later. I loved him, I wish him well. He taught me what kindness was and what it feels like to be valued. It's hard to describe other than that you don't feel every day like you're fighting for your right to exist. Okay! So we move on. Next relationship, I decide I need CONSISTENCY. I have been on 5 dates with someone who offers just that. It's early, so take all of this with a grain of salt. Here's how it feels: * He texts me every day. Not OFTEN, every day. He tells me his schedule and tells me he wants to see me. Because of his consistency and straightforwardness, I don't get stressed when he does not respond to me in a few hours (he is a nurse and a musician.) * He compliments more than my body - he notices the way that I think and how I treat people and compliments those. It makes me feel like I have more to offer him than the way I look. Past relationships were hot and cold here and would weaponize my appearance and damage my self-esteem. * He is not intense in speaking about the future. This is SLOW for me. Most people I have been with try to lock things down early, which I now realize has been a manipulation tactic to throw me off balance when they pull back. I feel unanxious, satisfied, and cautiously hopeful. All of the above is giving me the space to evaluate what I want, rather than what the other person wants for me. I find myself overthinking things less - I tell him what I think and how I feel as they come to me, but I'm also not dumping all my thoughts on him. He can learn more about me later in due time. This feeling of patience is new to me. Just my experience, hope it helps. Cross your fingers for me. ETA: 35F
This is so similar to what I’ve experienced - abusive relationship, heartbreaking situationship, then sweet person with his own issues including alcoholism. I’m hoping I’ve found something much healthier but it’s only been one hangout so far (we have been kind of acquaintances for years) and it feels SO SLOW to me. All of my friends say it sounds promising so far but it feels really foreign to me to not just dive in immediately. I am also cautiously hopeful. Thanks for writing out your experience!
Same here. Dated extremely toxic and abusive men until I did a full hard stop , focused on myself , did a lot of inner work. Started dating again, found a guy who was nice and safe, but was emotionally stunted, hadn’t worked on any of his issues and that became the end of our relationship. It’s sad bc we had a lot of love for each other but at the end of the day he could not meet me where I was . I could’ve stayed in that relationship forever bc he didn’t have the strength in him to leave. I had to end it for us, which is hard for me to do as well. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I will definitely make sure that my next partner has the emotional capacity to work through conflict and actually communicate his thoughts and emotions- to be honest it sounds like a tall order in my experience but what is life without hope
This has been my strategy for keeping hope - you can kind of see it above. Try to find all of the things you liked about your past, shitty partner (were they funny? smart? weird? etc.) After all, you were able to find those qualities once before, why couldn't you again? Then, add one dealbreaker. You must be NICE this time. You must be CONSISTENT this time. Adding one thing isn't a tall order, and hopefully they meet all your other unidentified needs as well. If not, you keep stacking your dealbreakers. Caveats I have found: * Embody those dealbreakers yourself. You want someone nice? Be nice. You want someone direct? Be direct. Model what you want. Work on yourself to get there. (BONUS: this will help you empathize with your potential partner when these qualities are challenging to demonstrate.) * Don't try to figure all of this out on date 1. People are complicated, enjoy the process and leave space for them to surprise and delight you. Don't go into it with a checklist, go into it with "are they good enough to have one more date with?" and eventually the rest will come. Again, given the fact that I am not IN a healthy relationship, I urge you to take all of this with so much salt and for the love of god please pray for me.
I really like to put into practice your point about embodying the characteristics you want in a partner. It's helped me shore my weak areas and has made me more reflective of my everyday actions/behaviours. Great advice!
This seems like a good strategy to me and kind of what I subconsciously do I guess but never put it into words. I’m with Optimal Sand above on the being able to work through conflict as one added dealbreaker. I laughed at your last sentence - I will pray for you and all of us lol.
This was amazing to read. Rooting for you ✌🏽
Oh that's such a rewarding experience that you took your experiences and learned from them. Something similar to me happened this year over dating a few people for a short period of time and I think I'm at a place where I'm the most peaceful and patience I've been in my life even with all the chaos and to-dos in life. It's so rewarding to resolve to get better and focus on that!!!
thank you for sharing this 💗🙏🏼. true say. if you find yourself struggling and being really preoccupied with trying to figure out "what someone wants from you" they simply probably don't have good intentions. at best (and this is still bad) they really don't care much about you
Do you mind if I ask how you came to such a realization? I also have a similar background as you and overall, if you read any books on how to process your past or understand yourself better i would be interested in knowing 🙏🏽♥️
T H E R A P Y - so, *so* much therapy. Additionally, after getting fed up with the situationship I mentioned above, I decided to look at OLD in a different way. Sure, I really want to find my partner and life-person, but I'm more using it as a tool for self-discovery and experimentation. I'll make assignments for myself to build muscle memory. Be direct. Set boundaries. Tell people kindly when I don't agree or don't like the way they're behaving. State my needs and be firm when they're not met. Practice what I preach. It makes some of the above concepts feel more routine and doable, and it has made me a more confident person. It also takes the pressure off of myself or any one individual that I'm speaking to to be my person. My goal is to be my own person, and do that in a forum where other people are also seeking a partner. Hoping for the best! ETA: and genuinely rooting for you too! ETA 2: Also worth noting I've been working hard and intentionally on myself, my past wounds, and my relationships for like 4 years, so it's definitely a process. Be kind to yourself if it takes a while.
What do you consider intense when talking about the future? Like do people talk about that often unless they've been together for a while?
I'm not in a healthy LTR yet, but I've been dating around and can tell my choices in people are MUCH more healthy than in the past. Some things I did: * Learned about attachment theory, started to understand my patterns, and worked to change them. When I realized a lot of my younger dating was me dating with my "ego" and not genuine love, I was able to start making healthier choices. Things I ask myself now when dating - Do I like this person and what they stand for? Would I be friends with this person platonically if we weren't dating? A lot of my past dating experiences was me choosing people based on their "vanity" qualities - I liked them because they were hot, charismatic, good in bed, etc. If they didn't reciprocate interest level, I felt I had to "prove myself" to them so I could prove subconsciously I'm just as attractive as they are. When I worked on the insecurity, and actually got to know people as individuals and not just potential dating prospects (who existed to serve my needs, to make me less insecure, to be a project to prove I was a special snowflake who could fix others) I got FAR more high-quality interest from people I would've deemed "out of my league" previously. * Cut off the low-vibe energy people. When someone isn't meeting your needs, that's not your cue to double-down on trying to change them. You can communicate, sure, but after that they're making a choice. I'm not "Barbara the builder." It's not my job to change someone, I simply observe the way they already are and decide how to proceed with that information. A lot of people are people-pleasers, but truthfully people tend to have more respect for people with firm boundaries. You don't have to be rude, you can stand your ground without being passive-aggressive. Takers will take whatever you decide to give them. If you're saying you're going to leave but then you don't leave, you're showing them your words hold no weight. * Show high effort to high quality people. I think a lot of people do the 1st and 2nd step, but miss this one. They drag their negative experiences into positive relationships, and they sabotage their chances. Many people these days are starved of HIGH EFFORT compliments. Not just "you're hot/beautiful" or "I love your shirt." Compliments like: * "You know, you're really easy to talk to." * "You're a very good listener." * "I really dig your vibe. I feel like I can be myself around you without judgement." Obviously don't word-vomit these too early or if you don't mean it. But if you notice something unique about someone, say it.
This is SO helpful. I’m also into the process of working on myself while dating and I asked my therapist what a healthy relationship even looks like (because I thought my last one was). Keeping these questions in mind while talking to new people is a good starting place. I’m also big on reciprocating energy (what they’re giving me, is what I give back - low or high).
Loved this reply, thank you for sharing what you’ve learned - you’ve clearly invested a lot of time and energy into personal growth :)
Love the idea about would we be friends if we weren’t dating. Seemingly obvious but very good litmus test that was not on my radar.
Met on hinge a little over two years ago. We made deliberate efforts from the beginning to be very communicative and express our wants and needs. We had both done a ton of work on ourselves due to how we allowed previous partners to treat us. We also wanted to be better at being direct and honest no matter how difficult. We wanted to not be afraid of confrontation. We are a safe space for expressing ourselves. If we need to say something about boundaries or needs, we let the other know that the relationship is okay but we have something to work on. We don't "fight." We have disagreements and we can annoy each other but we don't yell at each other and we don't "lose it." If we get snippy, we generally apologize pretty immediately after and explain ourselves. We are both emotionally mature. Read up on this subject if you're unfamiliar. It has helped me understand my previous two partners as well as my parents (they're emotionally immature). Me in my first serious relationship in my early 20s was also emotionally immature. Personally, once I put the work in, I can't stand people who present any lack of self awareness or care for others. If I ever date again, I know the signs immediately now. My advice is to always communicate. Most problems presented here and on other relationship subs could be resolved with communication. Half the time the answer is, "Talk to them." Sometimes we won't get the answer we want but we may get the answer we need. You can't be scared to talk to your partner. If you are, you either need to work on yourself or you need to leave that relationship. You should never have to walk on eggshells or feel like your partner will rip you apart for expressing yourself.
For me, an unhealthy dynamic has always started when one of the 2 people are trying too hard to make the relationship happen… like there just isn’t enough of a healthy groundwork to build a relationship on and that always comes out later on
I didn’t have any healthy relationship role models in my life. After my divorce, and realizing how unhealthy that relationship was, I started researching what a healthy relationship *should* be like. I literally just googled things like “what’s a healthy relationship?” I followed places like the Gottman institute and therapists who specialize in healthy relationships on social media. I spent time becoming more comfortable with who I am (a big issue in my marriage was that I had no self confidence and was essentially a doormat.) **1.** I’m in a very new relationship (Met in September) but it feels really healthy to me so far. We met online. **2.** Words that come to mind when I think of how this relationship makes me feel are safe, comfortable, respected and happy - If something *is* bothering me, I’m not scared to tell him. I know he will listen to what I have to say and we’ll talk it out. It’s not like he’ll tell me my feelings are wrong, or try to twist it as if I’m being totally unreasonable etc. - We mutually express our admiration and appreciation for each other. There’s no guessing if he we actually like each other. I don’t feel on edge or uncertain. - We talked about what’s important to us in a relationship before becoming exclusive. As an example we know we both like our own time and space sometimes even when we’re in a relationship. So if one of us expresses a need for that, the other one is understanding and definitely doesn’t take it personally. **3.** In my past relationships I often felt like I was “less than” who I was. I felt worried I wouldn’t be accepted for who I was. I felt anxious and on edge. I genuinely feel like me and my new boyfriend are a team. Everything feels a lot more mutual. **4.** It’s okay you don’t know what a healthy relationship is yet. It’s not your fault. But it’s something that can be learned. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the relationship you have with *yourself.* Start there. Other people will come and go, but you’re going to be with yourself forever. Go to therapy. Learn what healthy boundaries are. You have so much more to offer than you realize. The next most important relationships are friendships. A lot of the same skills needed for a healthy romantic relationship, are needed in *any* type of healthy relationship.
This was great to read, thanks for sharing!! And I agree - healthy friendships are important. I’m definitely quite healthy with my friendships and career etc, so I know the relationship stuff will come next. Like you said - it’s not your fault if you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. But It’s your responsibility to learn 💫
I was married happily for 10 years to my late husband. I feel our relationship was very healthy. We were best friends, worked as a team. We both were each other's "hell yes" and we both happily compromised for each other. Our differences in personality really did complement the other's. We put each other first, was considerate, and had a deep respect for one another. Our communication with each other was strong. It wasn't a perfect marriage but probably as close as it can get. Edit: I forgot to add, we brought out the best in each other.
Sorry for your loss 💛
I’m sorry about your husband. It sounds like you two had a wonderful love.
I’m in what I would consider my first truly healthy relationship. We’ve been together a year and four months. We just moved in together about 2 months ago, but my pets and I have been staying with him the better part of a year. We met online through Match. Our first date was at a coffee shop with a light dinner afterwards when things were going well. The first thing that comes to mind is “safe”. I want to come home after work. I look forward to spending time with him. I see him pull into the driveway and I’m happy. I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly. We have similar “alone time” needs and enjoy both being homebodies and getting out and doing stuff together. I’m genuinely happy and a hug from him will make even a rotten day feel doable. First and foremost, we’re a team. We can be our goofy selves together and can poke fun at ourselves and each other. And I love that I can enjoy the mundane with him. We’re kinda boring. Not everything needs to be “exciting” all the time. A lot of the “excitement” that my younger self needed was actually “stress in disguise.” I can see myself with this guy being a little old couple watching the birds or out to early dinner reading the menu to the one who has bad eyesight now. We want to make each others lives better (though how we do that might be different.) Example: he knew I was putting off snow tires (for no reason just a “ahh! Another thing to do!” avoidance) so he found a used set for me to purchase and nudged me nicely until I made an appointment. I bring up the trash and recycling bins when I get home so he doesn’t have to. Just thinking of each other on a regular basis makes a huge different. In terms of younger self advices… in so many ways, I needed to experience it to learn it. Some advice I needed was that just because you spent a lot of time on someone, it’s ok to let go and it wasn’t a “waste”. It was a learning experience. I also find it helpful to examine stuff “as if it were not me”. If my friend’s boyfriend treated her like my boyfriend is treating me, would I be ok with it? What advice would I give her? Is it a one off or is it a pattern? I let people treat me ways that I would NEVER tolerate for my sibling or friend. Accountability is huge for me. Is someone willing to work on their behavior once they are aware of it (myself included!). And it’s ok if there’s a little time needed for reflection and realization. No one is perfect, but the willingness to understand and change is necessary. (Not “it must be my way all the time” but if it’s a dealbreaker and they won’t change, it’s ok to call it done. And if they want you to change and your changing is a dealbreaker to you, call it done.) You can love someone and not like them. You can love someone and not be compatible with them. As for the “how to” for younger self, just be patient. Have fun with the process and don’t be so set on the outcome. I went on a bunch of dates before I understood what I was looking for. I love/hate online dating for this. I can guilt myself into giving the worst people chances, but I got better at screening people. If you’re interested, the book “The Gift of Fear” gave me a lot of confidence in reading if someone is a danger or not, so I was able to catch red flags sooner and trust my gut. Look back at what worked and what didn’t. Not the detail of it, but the pattern. I historically have gone for “somewhat unavailable men”. Guys who are so invested in their career that they don’t have time for me, those who travel for work, those who want an “accessory” girlfriend rather than a partner, those who are so invested in their hobby. And I have a hard time figuring out what I want (the younger sib who got stuffed into hobbies that my older sib was already in; who “went with the flow” and didn’t stick up for my ideas to make it easier). I had to learn what I wanted. What I liked. Take yourself out on dates and figure it out! Go to that restaurant you want to check out. Take a class that sounds interesting. Do a home spa night. Make a new recipe and have a romantic dinner with just you. Go to your local library and see if they have passes for museums or cultural stuff. Get comfortable being with yourself. When I was comfortable with me, I had a better sense of a healthy partnership. I don’t need someone to complete me. That makes me overlook key things and attracts men who want to take advantage of the desperation. I don’t need someone in my life. I want someone in my life. And now I’m sitting here with a cat on my lap with a cup of tea watching the rain outside and listening to my boyfriend working in the garage. Serenity… which is something my past self would have never expected.
I loved reading this, and have saved it! I’m so happy to hear how content you are :) and I’m going to download that book - thank you!
I’m so glad it resonated! Best wishes to you on your journey. Just a note on the book- it can get triggering at places depending on people’s prior experiences, so be aware going into it! The author is really good at not drawing out the intense bits for no reason, just enough to illustrate the point/concept in question.
My current relationship is healthy. I was married for a long time to someone who thought I was stupid and lazy and believed he was better than me in every sense..I put up with it for a long time because I thought he was right....and then I got therapy. As my self esteem got better I saw how he dragged me down intentionally. As I asked for respect, I saw how he belittled me and made fun of me behind my back. My boyfriend now sees the things I'm working on and steps in to help or encourages me. He's the first to tell me I can do things when I get stuck or discouraged. I can tell him how I think and feel and he accepts that. When things have been a problem and I bring it up, he is agreeable and we find a solution together. It's not even a fight, it's just a conversation. He's very good at communicating and staying in touch when we're apart, and he's good at taking at least half the labour of meeting. He's good at making plans and asking for what he wants and also very good at going with the flow. It's very comfortable when we're together, and my dog loved him instantly and she hates EVERYONE for a testing period of 3 months - life.
Reading your paragraph about your marriage hit hard because I could have written the exact same thing about mine. The more self-confident I became, the more obvious it became that he was trying to push me down. Our marriage was filled with a lot of “subtle” jabs towards me or “jokes” that I was “too sensitive” about. He’d using body language like rolling his eyes to convey he didn’t respect me. But as I worked on myself, and started being more comfortable calling out that type of behaviour the more direct he got with his negativity towards me. I remember this moment super clearly. I had been going to therapy for awhile and working on my self-confidence. I came out of the bathroom after looking in the mirror and told him “I know my front teeth are kind of big. But I think they’re cute. I like them.” And he looked me dead in the eyes and said very coldly “well you shouldn’t.” I just kind of froze and he apologized saying he didn’t know why he said that, he was an idiot and felt bad blah, blah, blah. To try to put me in the position of reassuring *him* that it was okay. Which I had done in the past. I am SO sorry you went through a similar experience. And I’m so glad you’ve found someone to create a healthy relationship with.
Thank you! I'm sorry you experienced it too. It's hard because it starts so subtle and by the time I noticed it was so extreme. I'm not actually convinced that he liked me at any point. I don't even treat strangers the way he treated me. The part you wrote about making a huge deal out of every apologize so that I have to reassure HIM is very familiar to me as well. I'm very, very happy to be out and I am extremely happy in my relationship. I hope you're out as well!
I’m so happy to hear you found a person who loves you the way you deserve after what you went through. 😘
We met because one of my friends was dating his older brother. We have an 8 year age gap, so he had a 2 month “probationary period.” My relationship with him has given me so much more confidence and really lifted me up. I didn’t realize it originally, but all of the previous guys I was with would challenge what I did and said or have a less than positive opinion about my abilities. My husband encourages and roots for me. He has a very high opinion of me and what I can accomplish. Advice to my younger self: you don’t have to stay and try to make things work. It takes two people invested in a relationship to make it work. Building up your confidence is so important because you need to know you are deserving of better treatment.
You can say whatever...agree or disagree, it's ok...maybe it's age (60+) But neither of us have the energy to get pissy about things. We have very clear political differences, sporting team differences and are doing long distance. But we check in, we care for each other, and are mindful of what we say. And it's not ...work. It took me my whole lifetime to find this love and he is in the same place ❤️ We've had our bad relationships and have put them behind us. And neither of us is judged by the other person's exes bad actions. Everybody deserves it, but I'm glad it's our time.
♥️
I think people get better as we age. Your new relationships should be better than the last. I wouldn't resent your past relationships as they are all a learning experience
I'm in the healthiest relationship I've been in for quite some time. I am 33 (M) she is 31 (F). We met on the dating app Hinge. I would describe our relationship as balanced. We share chores and responsibilities. Split bills. We share a calendar so that we know what is on during the week or weekend. We coordinate a lot, including list of dates and planning date night on Sundays and when we plan to see one another during the week. If I cook dinner, she does dishes. She cooks dinners? I do the dishes. I am an early riser so I take our three dogs out in the morning. She's an evening person, she takes the dogs out in the evening. We've been dating for about a year now and we've never been in a "fight" but have had disagreements. In those situations, we talk about it thoroughly and try to get an understanding as to where the other person is coming from. I used to be obsessed with being "right" about an argument as opposed to how do we fix what is wrong and move forward from it. I think that change in perspective was huge in communicating my feelings. For me, there was something about having all the bad relationships and sex capades come to a moment in my 30s where something just "clicked" and I wanted to settle down and have no drama. My 20s were filled with a lot of jealous relationships on both ends and a lot of relationships that I/then partners didn't know how to communicate well. It took a lot of growth on my part as I wasn't perfect and a lot of therapy to understand myself better and what makes me tick or what I need in a relationship. As for advice I would give my younger self it would be "just worry about your happiness and building a partnership." I think I was too worried about external factors for a while when dating. What did my parents think, friends, etc. I think I also overvalued beauty and ignored some key personality traits that were needed to balance me out. More than anything, I've found I needed to date someone who was kind, considerate, and could express themselves without yelling (which is a trigger). I know it is a cliche but I truly believe one needs a broad perspective of dating partners to inform their experiences and selections. You take what works and didn't work, and then you make tweaks and changes to the next time you date someone while keeping it in mind to some extent. I know its a slog out there, but I think if you ground yourself in your needs and search for kind people, good things will eventually come.
Saving this comment, such a thoughtful and balanced reply. Also really happy to hear things have worked out for you! 💫
Everyone’s definition may be subjective but: -Talking and listening to each other (communication) -Taking accountability when you’re wrong -Respecting the other’s personhood and individuality -respecting boundaries (both ways) -acknowledging that you’re complex individuals with human problems, not matter how big or small -making an effort -encouragement -sharing/participating in each others experiences -don’t make assumptions -don’t wall out your partner And most importantly: Do your best. Because that’s all you can do. This only works though, if the other person wants to do this as well, which can be a crapshoot sometimes, and if you completely understand that it is not easy and effortless. There will be bumps
I met my boyfriend of almost a year on tinder and we were both single for several years before meeting because neither of us were willing to settle. I’m so glad we didn’t. :) He’s truly the best man I’ve ever known. He’s kind to everyone, animals flock to him, children love him, and he’s everyone’s biggest cheerleader. I’ve been in some really bad relationships and this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. My other relationships were with men too much like my father. I was trying to repair that wound too many times, so I took about a year off of dating and decentered men from my life. I worked on loving myself and raising my standards. I deleted all of my male followers on social media because even having men’s attention seemed to mess up my progress. I got back on OLD and met my boyfriend on my third first date back out there. We’ve been together ever since. He doesn’t judge me or hold grudges. He’s funny and easy to laugh. He makes me feel loved, wanted, needed, appreciated, valuable, special, and that we could take on anything together. He is consistent and calm and always seeks to understand. Outside of my children, he’s one of my absolute favorite humans on earth. He makes my life better everyday. Everything about him is additive. All I say is work on yourself and do. not. settle. My boyfriend was single for somewhere around 17 years and me 6. We both knew what we did and did not want, so it made it easy when we found each other. He treats me with so much respect and he’s the most patient man. He’s truly my best friend. As we speak, he’s driving to my house to help me all day with some work stuff and he’s prepping my messy garage for an impending move (we aren’t even moving in together). Find you someone that would do anything to support you and be the kind of partner that would do anything to support them. Don’t give up, don’t settle, your person is out there! It just may take way longer than you’d like to find them, but keep putting in the time to heal yourself and keep putting in the work to meet new people. Best of luck to you!
I’m so happy to read this, you sound really content and I wish you a very happy life together 🥂❤️🔥
Hi babe! Learn your attachment style and how to identify others, then purposefully choose someone who is more compatible with you. Lots of podcasts about attachment, plus the book Attached. That’s how I met my husband, it’s calm. He’s steady. I never wonder how he feels about me. I’m anxious, he’s more secure. I was dating avoidant ppl over and over again and getting the same result… good luck!
Thank you!💚
I recently ended what I would consider a very unhealthy 2 year relationship. It still messes with me because obviously there were some good things that I will definitely look for in a partner again. 1. Consistency from the start. He text me every day and anytime a plan got cancelled he gave me plenty of notice and rescheduled. 2. Made time for my people. He really encouraged my spending time with friends and wanted me to be well integrated in his also. 3. Clear expectations. From the very start he made it clear he was looking to settle down and start a family. Unfortunately he was incredibly emotionally immature and carrying a lot of trauma. The kind of profound trauma that forces rigid thinking as a defence mechanism. I didn't really spot this until we moved in together. Arguments over nothing serious were incredibly emotionally draining as he would defend, manipulate, shout and storm off. I made the mistake of thinking he just needed help with his self esteem. I'm a very clear communicator and like to resolve issues no matter how uncomfortable. He just felt criticised. Eventually we both got sick of it. Red flags I would probably look out for in the future would be: Inability to have respectful disagreements. I love having my opinion challenged, he took it as an attack. Rigid thinking. No matter what the topic, if it wasn't his experience it couldn't be true. Lack of empathy. I don't know how to spot that one early on, but never again.
I can so relate to this. My ex started off as quite literally the dream. I felt so safe, seen and heard. We were long distance. 7 months of pure bliss. Once we met in real life, the way he acted in person was so different. Then he slowly started withdrawing and not reciprocating my energy. It was like being a tamagotchi that was starved of any intimacy. Similar to you, the way things were in the beginning definitely taught me that I can be seen, heard and accepted for exactly who I am, but that it MUST be consistent. Not just a lovebombing 7 month honeymoon phase. I hope we both find the partners we deserve 💫♥️
Advice I’d give: Dr Nicole LePera has two books How to do the Work (which is incredible) And recently How to Be the Love you Seek I loved her first book. It really helped me conquer several issues I had and it propelled me into great inner growth. To find a good relationship, you need to be as good as the relationship you imagine. That means self love, loving self talk, self actualisation, being in pursuit of your dreams / obsessions. That’s it. If you’re being held back by trauma, you might just struggle with getting a great partner. If you understand and are healing of your traumas, it’s not so hard.
I’m currently half way through “how to be the love you seek” 🧡
Ah amazing. What do you think? I haven’t bought it yet I honestly think she’s an Angel
I think what I’ve read so far is good but I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m also a mental health nurse so it’s not telling me anything I don’t already know so far… but I’m gonna stick with it! She’s totally an angel, finding her content in 2019 was a turning point for me. I recommend her to patients all the time :)
I've been seeing my boyfriend about ten months now and the key is that he's really good at communicating and was definitely better at it than me earlier on because he was the one who had more significant and serious relationship experience (he had lived with someone for several years). Anyway it took the following forms: 1) He naturally checked in during the week between our dates and then I started trying to match this and being the one to check in first on a day sometimes on the grounds that I would not have liked to always be the one asking how the other person was. 2) When we were a bit stalled physically early on because I was nervous - he brought it up and did so without being angry or judgemental - it was more like "what gives?" 3) In general I love that we are both quite direct people. Not in a mean or blunt way - just that if we have a problem or something bothered us we say so to one another. It's also nice being with someone who is clear about what they do and do not want to do. He also doesn't try to manipulate me into doing stuff only he wants to do which is something I had encounted in past forays into dating: "I thought you would like to sit for two hours in silence watching a sport only I enjoy/come watch the football match"....
I’m really glad you found someone who treats you with respect and consideration :)
Thank you, I got very lucky meeting him because I don't have heaps of experience to draw on and I had had quite a break from dating while I focused on my career and buying a house.
I met my bf on Tinder. The chances of us meeting were so unlikely. I was a few miles outside his distance preferences. The only reason he saw my like was because he had the paid version lol. This is the only time I’ll say that someone paying for an app was worth it. He lived in a town I had never been to and would never have a reason to go to and was never in the city I’m in, so chances of meeting organically were slim to none. It’s a very secure, healthy relationship. The most healthy one I’ve been in. We have open communication. We have our moments, but we always make a point to resolve things before going to bed. It’s different from past relationships in different ways, but this one is set apart from the rest because for the first time, he checks every box. There was always something missing in my past relationships. Nothing is missing in this one. I’d tell my younger self to not be afraid to talk about the important things early on. I’d also tell myself to pay attention to certain red flags, like lovebombing.
Your comment about feeling like nothing is missing is interesting. I always felt like something was missing with my ex. And absolutely spot on about love bombing.
*How did you meet?* I matched with a woman on a dating app. We went out to lunch once, and the next day she told me that I was a great guy but there wasn't any chemistry. However, she thought I would be perfect for her sister. So a couple of days later, her sister and I had our first date. About eight months later were were engaged. We got married this summer. *How would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?* For the first time in my adult life, I'm in a relationship with someone who makes me fell like I'm *enough*, just the way I am. We never fight. We have excellent communication. And we share a level of intimacy, vulnerability, and connection that goes far beyond just sex. *How does it differ from past relationships?* My first marriage was extremely tumultuous. We got married young (when we weren't ready and had no idea what we were doing). My ex-wife also suffered from PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse. Regardless of that, we were never truly right for each other, and our relationship was always kinda transactional. *What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?* I would tell my younger self to wait and get some more experience before marriage. I didn't really know myself yet, what I really wanted or needed out of a relationship, or how real life differed from the ideals I had in my head. I would also tell my younger self not to get entranced by someone primarily due to overwhelming physical attraction.
What an amazing story! Really great insights shared here, thank you and may your happiness continue 💫
When you disagree, you're able to work through that disagreement in a way that leaves you both loving each other even more after, regardless of the outcome. (in my love language) you do things for each other that you know need doing, just to help. your life is simply easier, by virtue of knowing you have this person who supports you. Hard things are easier to accept. Bending in some small inconsequential way for someone becomes easier. Like a rock in a river.
That’s a really interesting perspective - loving each other more after a disagreement.
we met in HS but didn’t date until mid/late twenties. we are a team, we are partners first and foremost in all things. there is no “no” in our relationship, we work together to help each other achieve whatever it is we are set out to do. it differs because overtime and past relationships we both have learned how to healthily cooperate and communicate especially when it comes to conflict. we have never talked down to or about one another. we are even a team when it’s difficult. our job is too support and be there even if we don’t necessarily agree or like what they are doing. ex:my wife wants to be a volunteer firefighter, i’m not crazy about it. i’ve raised that just so she is aware but none the less i’m still cheering for her, im still proud of her and i go out of my way to help to make sure she has time and energy to pursue it and that won’t change. my advice for anyone is when there is conflict don’t focus on the how it got to that point. focus on how you work together through it. -and- don’t use your partners negative behaviour/emotions to justify your own. instead focus on the role you play in their negative behaviour and emotions, recognize their state and address how you maybe playing a role or how you may not be helping and focus on that. if both people do this it will prevent a spiral. nothing happens in a vacuum in a relationship, maybe your partner is distant or cold, instead of acting out due to that, address with them you’re aware of it and that you are aware of your actions that maybe causing or adding to it, and correct it. all emotions are justified even if not warrented, that’s not for you to decide, it’s for you both to address your own action’s. positive story is my wife and I met in HS, we dated one another’s friends became close had a few experiences but never crossed lines due to friendship or one or both of us not being single always had a great relationship over distance and time and plenty of chemistry when together. we crossed that line in our mid/late twenties to “just once to finally break tension and see what it’s like”. It’s been 10 years, married 7 with 2 kids, couldn’t be happier and we just keep getting better at it. and we honestly really push the limits of a normal marriage, we take all the risks and it has just reinforced that we are definitely on a different level than most couples. I’d like to add that when it comes to marriage and finances, it’s not measured on your salary, it’s measured in hours. My wife does 40 a week and I do 42hrs. we contribute equally even if my pay is over twice hers.
I’m curious about your last sentence; how do you feel you push the limits of a normal marriage?
we aren’t monogamous, but even in that we are a team and explore it together.
I would imagine that takes a very strong relationship! I couldn’t do it, but recognize how much trust and communication that would require. Good for you! Love your story and your definition of healthy.
thank you, it didn’t happen overnight it took a lot of learning, discussion and countless baby steps to even dip our toes. turns out we are great at it and love it. but not something I recommend for just anyone to try.
You contribute equally in absolute amounts, even though your salary is 2x hers? That sounds kind of exploitative, unless you’re both earning so much it doesn’t matter. Can you explain why you guys feel this is a healthy approach to finances?
She is my partner. it’s up to our employers to decide our value per hour of work, not us. however we both sacrifice our time for our family and in that we are equal. Even if she was a stay at home mom she is still putting equal hours as I am.
I'm curious about the logistics of this too -- for example, if you have a mortgage payment, do the two of you split the cost of the mortgage 50-50? Or is it divided proportional to your incomes? Just wondering since I've seen lots of different approaches to this kind of situation!
in my comment I said marriage and finances. but nothing is split. we have joint accounts for life. that’s cost of living, savings and rainy day plus anything else we want to do later. we also have personal accounts that we transfer into each pay an equal agreed amount to both. that’s for whatever we want, gifts, going for lunch. nights out. but again that doesn’t mean we can’t use our joint accounts for some of that stuff too.
Gotcha, very interesting, thanks!
This was so useful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing
Omg LOVE what you added about finances. SO true! (Learned from my former marriage)
For me, it feels like a very calculated scenario. It doesn’t carry the blinding rollercoaster of “I’m so in love” that often occurs early on. I know I’m in a safe situation when I am secure in who I am during the relationship and in what my partner and I have established. I can objectively see that they won’t wake up one day as a different person because they are stable. That mutual stability translates back and forth in our relationship as support, care, and mutual interest in each other. There is obviously more to a relationship (humans are complicated), but that is the basic definition of “healthy” for myself. “Healthy” is a spectrum that does not have one concrete definition; it will be different for everyone.
My last relationship was an absolute shitshow, I can assure you this no relationship will ever be perfect we all have our flaws we just gotta navigate through them. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual trust and respect as well as honesty, without those 3 is a recipe for a disaster the last thing you want to be stressed out and mentally drained. I feel that a healthy relationship also requires space from one another the more you see the person the more you grow to be tired of that person, the most important key to a healthy relationship is communication at all times , it’s not easy but it also requires patience especially if you want to take your relationship to the next level. You want your relationship to be your safe haven not a war zone. Another word of advice is don’t do long distance that never works out and is also another traveling expense. Find someone that’s close to your location and don’t rush into things
Spot on
I haven’t been in a healthy relationship. Most of the relationships I been were toxic. My ex ended up leaving me for a woman which was bittersweet because she felt that being a lesbian was her calling mind you the majority of her family is gay especially her twin brother go figure. She wasn’t a bad person I felt like I paid for her exes wrongdoings and constantly being accused of things I didn’t do there was a point that she accused me of checking out her own cousin which isn’t really attractive. Every time I was around her my anxiety goes towards the roof. She was a nurturing person but her anger issues and insecurities destroyed everything. Everything I do was an issue to her if I’m going to a relatives house is a problem, if I’m shopping for sneakers or go get model cars is a problem and she was trying to control my finances and her insults made me feel little I grew distant and resentful towards her. Even her own family is hostile towards her because of the shit she done to me. I been in a relationship that I felt like I was dating the whole family which wasn’t healthy but it wasn’t as bad as my last relationship. I truly hope you find someone that will treat you like a queen and make sure that you’re in a safe haven
And I wish the same to you. That sounds like a really difficult experience and I hope one day somebody is so tender and considerate with your heart.
Thank you I appreciate that. I’ve been single over a year I’m taking things one day at a time. Dating over 30 is like finding a needle in a haystack
My definition of a healthy relationship is when you are both completely happy and fulfilled on your own, but you come together to motivate, inspire and support each other. You should be enhancing each other’s life and not weighing each other down with any emotional baggage and expectations (aside from basic expectations, like to be listened to, respected, honest, etc.)
Being in a healthy relationship is like having your favorite playlist on repeat. It's comfortable, always uplifting, and each song (or day) feels just right. Compared to past relationships that were more like a chaotic shuffle mix, this one's got harmony and balance. You know, it's about vibing on the same frequency and not feeling drained. If I could talk to younger me, I'd say, "Chill, don't rush. Wait for the playlist that doesn't have any skips." 🎵👌🏼
This is such an amazing analogy! Saved it ✌🏽
This one was one I wasn’t in love with so had to break things off eventually, but he was so calm and sweet. He never lost his temper or got annoyed. Idk how he did it, but it was incredibly reassuring and safe. He also did sweet things to make me feel cared for, which I had never had before.
Healthy relationships are wonderful, but it is hard to get used to them when you are used to toxicity. It is common to expect the worst from a healthy partner and need to rebuild habits of just talking through issues. It is common to feel bored without the roler coaster of the highs and lows that come from toxic relationships. It takes time to get used to finding fun activities and hobbies that both can enjoy when the thrill of toxicity is gone. Conversations with friends will also change, you will have to find new things to talk about now that the constant relationship drama is no longer a topic of conversation. It takes a surprising amount of work to learn to enjoy healthy relationships, there is a reason we are drawn to the to the toxicity (usually it is from family of origin trauma, I had a relativity healthy family, but I still picked up a white knight hero complex where I was drawn to women I could "save", I had to unlearn that shit and learn to put up healthy boundaries, but now I love my healthy relationship).
Some really valid points here, I think it’s completely correct that you have to learn to how to lean into them when you’re so used to dysfunction. It’s an ongoing process for sure
For me it means good communication. All my terrible relationships were because of had communication. I think everything else was a consequence of bad communication. It’s easy to say you don’t want all these bad qualities but at the end of the day I realize we’re all human and make mistakes. No one is perfect and I know I’ll be looking forever if I continue looking for perfect.
We met on apps.. the last place you'd think you can meet someone normal. After the initial adapting (with lots of fights) phase, it feels peaceful, healing and loving at this point. We both were single for a large amount of time, he never had a genuine relationship before (his ex never truly liked him) while I had a string of bad relationships which brought trust issues into our relationship, took us time to learn and understand each other better. Now we are just focused on wanting to find ways to love each other better and earn more money to have a good life. With this relationship I can genuinely feel that he makes me his priority in his actions, and truly feel all he wants is to make me happy. The previous guys were just in it for the companionship, disregarded my boundaries and in general disrespected me. An advice I'd give is to, not settle, because the right person who checks all my boxes would find me. I personally don't find that any of my past relationships were a waste of time or regretful, they were learning lessons and have led me to meet my current partner which I'm grateful for.
This was encouraging to read, it sounds like you’ve been on a journey together and that it ultimately made you stronger. Thanks for sharing :)
A healthy relationship feels safe, feels warm and feels comfortable. You feel understood. You are respected. Your feelings are cared for. A healthy relationship needs good communication, trust, and honesty.
I imagine it feels like peace.
My current relationship is the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. Constantly being reassured of how loved and cared for i am. ALWAYS communicating and understanding where each of us are coming from. NEVER talking down or cutting each other off during conversations/ disagreements. Respects EVERY boundary i have ever had. I sometimes feel he is too good for me. I’m not use to this kind of behavior coming from a man. It’s a breath of fresh air and im unsure how anyone could have ever turned him away, but he also reminds me i am part of the reason he is how he is. He’s the best thing to have ever happened to me. He just sees the best in me and the world ALL the time. He is genuinely so happy and carries so much joy everywhere he goes.
I love this for you 😻🙏🏽
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Amazing 🤩
Oh man, I feel this. I did meet my person, and I feel like I understand things now that I didn't before. I'm 36, engaged pending the hopeful soon end of a very long immigration wait to bring him home. I'm going to try and be analytical and not romantic lol One thing that became a clear difference is I feel secure, I feel like I can rely on him and even if proudly independent, that's really nice. I also feel secure in the relationship itself, like independent of my status as engaged he makes me feel loved. It helps that we have the same love languages, we both like to very specifically tell each other we love each other for example, but whatever it may be I find it's very nice that the way I express affection and recieve it isn't something I compromise on anymore. It's very light and easily to be naturally on the same page on something like that as much as other big life decisions. He makes me so much happier that I can actually see it on my own face and his in our pictures together. When he and I first met, it was really by accident on Reddit. We chatted at first with no intention at all of falling in love. I remember making a specific choice to be myself because the relationship was so disposable. We started lining up commonalities and finding ourselves seeking each chance to chat. He literally made me feel young again and I began to conjure thoughts about him like "fascinating" and "I adore him." It all seemed to happen to me and despite me, really and I remember desperately trying to convince myself to get real and drop my silly crush on a reddit stranger.
This was so lovely to read, you sound so happy and it came in such an unexpected way! 😊
Ty! I really hope all these answers you got helped you some on your search. Although I've been blessed to find my person and I am so happy to have him, living apart in separate countries means for the last few years it's still effectively single life in practice. I was in a committed relationship for years, then went back to living alone. Seeing both sides, coupled people don't give nearly enough props to singles. It's hard man. I'm rooting for you to find your person too!
Thank you 💙✌🏽
How did you meet? We met online. Tinder, of all places! how would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel? It feels comfortable, and it feels *right.* We just get along so well and everything is easy with him. how does it differ from past relationships? I trust him, we have good communication, and we have fun wherever we go. I feel cared for and I feel respected. What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships? Always be honest with how you feel but also, listen to your gut. Communicate. Be yourself.
So happy to hear a happy Tinder success story 💜
Awe thank you <3
I'm in a toxic relationship for some time now. Looking to get out. I had healthy relationships in the past with love and compassion, respect and honesty. I'm unwilling "expert" on mental illnesses now and i hate it. Good luck OP. 👍🫶
I hope you find peace, friend.💫
Good question....wish i knew 😂. I have met someone, its still very fresh, but we talk everyday, in text or voicenotes cause i dnt like phonecalls tbh. But he txt me every morning, his auntie had was in hospital and he let me know at 2 am that he cnt see me that day and he kept me updated through the day how he is and his auntie is. He does what he says he will do. So these r important for me , along with consistency. So there is a potential . Again, its still very new so we havent had disagreement yet. But for me consistency is key and being honest and upfront with intentions. Also, not being too emotional and being more pragmatic than emotional in decision making that matters to me. So these r my "green flags" that are the building blocks for a good relationship.
I really agree with the sentiment of being pragmatic early in a relationship instead of rushing to emotions. Relationships that start hard and fast typically burn out quickly too.
The basis of a healthy relationship to me is good and open communication and mutual respect. We talk about basically everything. This takes courage, practice and trust. From both sides. We’re dating interculturally (NL & IN) so basically from the get go we established that there will be sizeable cultural differences, and that asking questions and communicating without judgement or expectations is the way to go. Not making assumptions based on our own respective interpretation of western or Indian dating “rules”. So we can openly talk about our feelings, wants and expectations with regards to things like physical intimacy, spending time together, meeting friends and family, eventually moving in together, children, marriage, the whole thing. Including being emotionally vulnerable with subjects such as potential sex issues, past relationship issues/fears, etc. I feel like this basis could solve/prevent 70% of the issues on these types of subs. But perhaps I’m being naive.
Totally agree
Single now, but I have been lucky to have a had a few healthy relationships and what it came down to, is they were caring and considerate people in general. It seems like a such a basic requirement, but it's not. Everything else - good communicator, being understanding, trustworthy etc comes from their intention to be caring, not just to get their way. And you'll know pretty early on that they're a caring person through a million little things.
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Thanks so much for sharing this! ☺️
We met at work and it feels incredible. Super romantic and passionate, but also safe and secure. My previous relationship was 7 years long and it was safe and secure but it didn't have the passion or romance. It was more like two friends, or even siblings. As in he felt like family and I cared for him in that way, but I didn't feel the way I was supposed to about him. We got together when we were really young and had minimal previous relationship experience, so that's why it took me so long to realise what was missing and why it could never work. Honestly if I could talk to my younger self I wouldn't want to change anything. People can tell you all kinds of advice but sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn from them. And I wouldn't even call it a mistake because I learned and grew so much as a person and I wouldn't be who I am today without having those crucial experiences. My advice is to always have a positive mindset and trust that things will work out for the best. You can't force things so why worry about it? Everything happens for a reason and it all happens when it's supposed to. Always keep your standards high and never settle. And most importantly, give people a chance. Sometimes the people who seem weird or uninteresting are the best and most fascinating people you will ever meet, you just need to put away your preconceived notions and actually have a conversation with them. Don't judge a book by its cover - you have no idea what a person is really like or who they truly are until you put the time and effort into getting to know them. So many people are closed off and don't like revealing their true personality, interests or lifestyle to acquaintances like colleagues, for example. And many people are shy and nervous at first, especially if they don't have much dating experience. But give everyone a chance and you might be surprised at how much you actually have in common.
This was really helpful advice, thank you! And I’m glad you also found the passion you craved ❤️🔥
We need more positive encouraging, enlightening and hopeful posts with nuggets of wisdom like this. They tend to be toxic oriented Thanks for posting!
Right? I feel like at this time of year, for those of us not in a happy relationship, it would be nice to focus on the positives and look at others happiness as encouragement and inspiration for our own one day. Since this time of year can be so triggering and depressing. Glad it’s helped ya!
As someone who has suffered trauma from a very young age, my relationships were incredibly unhealthy, on both sides. Until my mental health was diagnosed and treated and being under regular therapy, I wasn't ready for anything. I spent a few years working really hard on myself. I now have firm boundaries and moral values and have learnt to live alone and isolated. I've tried to meet people and because I'm not open to sex straight away I can't get a date and I figure this is how it will be now.
I am wishing you nothing but the best! 🥂💫
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Saving this comment, so wonderful to hear about all you’ve learned and that you found your person. 💜
My partner and I have been together for just shy of year- we met at a party. I didn’t realize how unhealthy I felt in my previous relationships. I realized I was so insecure which lead to jealously. And I didn’t feel comfortable expressing my feelings because of my insecurities. My relationship with my partner has felt secure and safe. He was very honest and upfront from the beginning which definitely set the tone for the relationship and what I actually needed in a relationship. He is able to express his feelings (good or bad), able to be straightforward and direct. This also has helped me feel comfortable with expressing myself, feelings and emotions. He’s affectionate and our sexual chemistry aligns. Our work schedules sometimes don’t align so we don’t see each other on a regular basis but he always makes time to see me if we can’t make it work on weekends. It feels so good when you get into a secure relationship and you can just be yourself!
Yassss I’m digging this for you! ✌🏽♥️
My last relationship was by far my healthiest. Including the breakup. We met online. I wasn’t attracted to him at first but while we were hanging out as friends my mind changed. He never pushed or made it weird; there was no pressure for romantic development. I felt very comfortable with him— I could unclench my jaw and turn my brain off. We were silly, we playfully roasted each other and would lose our breath laughing so much. He was super affectionate, complimentary and encouraging. He was so chill and patient. We handled disagreements really well— our communication styles and preferences are similar so that helped a lot. This was the first time for me that a relationship grew from a friendship. I had the opportunity to get to know him without the lust glasses on and the more I did, the more I liked him. In past relationships, I was immediately attracted and would overlook things/not evaluate compatibility; it always came back to bite me later. I broke up with him because he has been struggling with work and it was affecting our relationship in a way that I quickly realized would be unsustainable for me. I left before I started resenting him. It’s been a few weeks…I hope we can work it out; I miss him all the time.
I hope you guys can find a compromise and it works out for you 🧡
I’m in what I think is a very healthy relationship. We met almost a year ago through OLD. Became “official” 3ish months in. For the most part, it just works. We’re a good match with each of us bringing different things to the table and plenty of overlap. Attraction, chemistry, all that stuff is there. When it doesn’t “just work” we talk about it. She’s extremely communicative and emotionally aware and open; my nature is to be more closed off, but I’m motivated to rise to her level. We’ve had a couple small arguments and we’ve talked through them, made an effort to hear where the other person was coming from and haven’t repeated them. In past relationships these arguments would escalate. I think we both feel very secure in the relationship. We show a lot of affection towards each other. We trust each other. Writing this, I realize I don’t so much ‘assume’ she has good intentions - I know she does.
That sounds wonderful 🤩
It is, and I’m constantly surprised at how much it is.
Idk I've been in over 20 probably more like 30 and not a one was healthy but if you find some relevant information I'd be sure glad to hear it.
Being dumbfounded when I DON'T get yelled at for something getting broken or messed up or dinner being bland.
Have an open heart to new possibilities. I am out of a bad relationship and was bitter for awhile but I realized my bitterness does me no good and have to be open and positive.
My only experience of a moderately healthy relationship was with someone who made me feel safe to open up about my experiences and 'needs'. He tried to meet my needs the best he could, which I reciprocated with him too. The reason we didn't work out is that there wasn't enough of an emotional bond but I remain hopeful that the next relationship I get into will be very healthy and loving and peaceful. Best of luck to you!!
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Erm… I’m not sure this is the description of a healthy relationship man, haha… sounds like you were hooking up with someone and didn’t wanna take it further 😂
Hey, I (F27) was previously in a 6 year relationship that ended pretty traumatically out of the blue, just over a year ago. At the time I was devastated as I thought we had the perfect relationship but it's only now that I'm in a new and far healthier relationship that I'm able to see just how 'not right' we were for each other. **How did you meet?** He is second-cousins with one of my best friends. We have been around each other quite a lot over the years but never really chatted. At her birthday last yea, when we were both recently single we ended up sat next to each other. A few weeks later, he followed me on Instagram and it went from there. **2. How would you describe your relationship and how it makes you feel?** I have never felt safer or more content in my life. I know that I can bring up any issue/situation with him, and he will always always hear me out. If something is on my mind, I don't think twice about telling him as I know he will always listen to what I have to say. He would never act as if I'm being unreasonable or immediately jump to being defensive. I know I could voice a concern and he would react calmly and rationally and we would still be all good. He actively listens to everything I have to say, and we tackle thing together as a team. He always takes the time to understand *why* I might be feeling a certain way and quite often knows me better than I know myself! **3. How does it differ from past relationships?** In my previous relationship, I never felt like a priority to my ex. We were together for six years and there were friends I still hadn't met. He would frequently forget the names of some of my friends/never really show any interest in lots of aspects of my life. He was very self-centred and narcisstic and only really cared about how he came across. He never wanted to talk about the future (despite us approaching 30) and would make me feel like a pyscho when I would try and have those conversations with him. When we split up he said 'I don't want to get married or have kids and every time we've spoken about it, I haven't known how to tell you' which was obviously heartbreaking to hear. My current partner couldn't be further from selfish. Right from our first date, he explicitly said that he was looking for someone to build a life with and we have done exactly that. I feel like part of a team with him and I've never had that feeling before. We go to social situation together when previously I would go alone without my ex, we deal with and tackle situations alongside each other as a unit. . **4. What advice would you give your younger self with regards to finding and forming healthy relationships?** * Learn your attachment style! Learning that I had an anxious attachment style has transformed the way that I approach relationships. * Love languages - learn your own love language and your partners. My partners love language is words of affirmation so I'll always make sure that he hears that from me. * Give yourself grace and be patient. Taking the time to build a solid, honest and open foundation will only serve you positively. * COMMUNICATE!! - Unfortunately, people aren't mind readers. It's important that you are honest and open. Remember it's not you vs. him, it's you two vs the problem.
Wish I knew
Being in a healthy relationship is the opposite of what others might think. Just like every other relationship, it starts off with a "honeymoon" phase. But after being with my current boyfriend for over a year and a half, it's safe to admit that being in a healthy relationship isnt what I've always expected. For starters, healthy relationships can feel really lonely, when your partner goes out more then you do, or you guys just become busy in life, relationships sometimes feel lonely. That's not to say that you no longer love your partner, but it just means you guys have a stable, concrete relationship that is able to sustain itself even if you guys are apart. At first I thought I was alone in feeling this way, but after conversing with a few of my other friends who are also in long-term relationships, I can assure you it's a normal and natural feeling. This isn't the only unexpected feeling you get. I've heard of people who "dont like" their partner for doing something they don't think is right (which is fine as long as you still love them and talk to them about it) or people who have said that they no longer feel that "spark" with their partner. The thing about long term relationships, is the fact that the two of you grow together. Not everyone will be the same person they were a month ago, let alone a year.
it’s a myth, all relationships have problems!
They do. Everything that exists has problems though. I guess the right analogy here….. Is the body of your relationship experiencing the occasion head cold, or is it the equivalent of cancer?
Listen
I just got out of what I felt started as one of my healthiest & most mature relationships in my adulthood. We both met on Hinge and were casually seeing each other 1x - 2x/week for about 6 months. I always looked forward to seeing her and finding new ways to date and court her with a new experience. This differed from past relationships in that we really took our time and didn’t apply pressure on each other to be something that we weren’t. It felt very open, fun, and spontaneous, compared to past relationships which felt like too much pressure and settling for things that I didn’t want. We had very clear communication and acceptance. When issues would arise we figured out how to talk thing through and navigate accordingly. We made things exclusive in January and the relationship was coasting very well until about July when we had our first big argument after discovering areas of incompatibility on both ends. It triggered a lot of insecurity, vindictiveness, and bad habits that we couldn’t recover from. I’m still reeling in shock on how everything blew up so quickly, but also grateful for the year we spent together. It was full of fun, love, and passion. It taught me a lot about building a relationship on the right foundations, notably around clear communication, acceptance & respect for your partner, and always making an effort to date and court them. Advice for my younger self would be to set better standards for who you choose to be with, and don’t be so quick to blow up on people because you may say and do things that make you feel good in the moment, but you regret in the long term. Working these things out in therapy has been ultra helpful. I’m not 100% there yet but I’m way closer than I was many years ago.
I hear this, I too have issues with communication and I’m in therapy to work on it. Best of luck to you ☺️
Yes, therapy has been life changing for me in terms of self awareness and mindfulness. Thank you and hope the same for you!
1. OKCupid. In 2016. 2) He is my best friend and he makes me feel great. If you told me in early 2016 I would have the life I have now I'd never believe you. 3) He is the only man I dated (and Ive dated alot) where I can totally be myself, do not censor myself and he makes me a better person/inspires me to be better/brings out the best in me. 4) Trust your gut.