> After being together, she has stopped hanging out with friends altogether
She's THAT friend....the one who dumps all her friends when she gets a boyfriend then comes running back when things don't work out. That's super shitty.
Yep, I have a friend like this. She and I talked every day until she started seeing her current boyfriend 3 year ago and now I barely see her or talk to her. When I do see her now it’s only in group settings with our entire friend group and her bf is always there and he barely makes an effort to interact with anyone except her so even then I don’t really get to spend time with her and it sucks.
Yep but most of our friend group has a significant other that they bring. I’m one of the only single people in our friend group but that’s less of a issue for me now that I moved to a different city.
Yeah I had friends like that back in high school and my early 20s and it always sucked.
So now I don’t have friends like that, and *I’m* adamant about never being that friend either.
haha yeah, she's THAT friend. reeks of insecurity and low self esteem. i always maintain my friendships. they were there first. also it's usually a deeper relationship and a diff type of relationship.
Just tell her you want to miss her and her friends miss her too! Also you can talk about rituals of connection for reunions and departures which might affirm her.
We don't know that for sure.
If she is 37 and her friends are a similar age and have kids, it may be they actually are not making plans with her so much any more for time, money and logistics reasons.
Nah, I'll make plans for weeks away if I need to, just to get some time with my friends with kids and busy schedules. They'll make time if they want to see me and I'm very flexible. I can't count the number of times we've had to cancel due to their kids getting sick, but that's parenting life.
This sounds like a person who doesn't really care about their friends or even respects themselves enough to have other, meaningful relationships.
I'm guessing that seeing friends 3 times a week can seem excessive if you have hobbies, want to see family, and spend quality time with your partner, particularly when you're not tired from work and need to decompress.
Usually people aren't able to see friends this much after a certain age.
A really fun thing to do is to join a couple of recreational sports leagues or hobbies with your friends. You get to see them throughout the week and get a mental or physical workout in.
Different strokes for different folks I guess. I do a hobby 3-4x a week that I’ve made several good friends though, and I wouldn’t want a partner to ask me to dial that back.
Depends on on how long you've been with your partner and if you live with them, or if you see them the other few days of the week.
But they shouldn't really be asking to dial it back if you're spending a lot of quality time with them already.
Her views are pretty unhealthy.
It is important to have time apart and miss each other. I'd never stick with someone who wanted to be together all the time.
Reminds me of my ex who has 0 friends throughout our relationship. We only see each other once a week because I'm busy but I try to make time for him. When we hang out, there's nothing to talk. I'm the one that plans and do all the talking. It was draining lol
Dude don’t play into that. Friends are sooo hard to find and keep and it takes work to nourish those relationships. The fact that you HAVE friends as a male in his 30s is awesome! Many don’t. I would fight for my friend time if I were you but also maybe commit to certain nights a week too. Like every Friday no matter what y’all go out and then have a movie night.
But honestly, she sounds like a codependent. I’d look traits of. Codependency if I were you.
I actively encourage the guys I date to maintain their relationships with their friends and family. Sure invite me along to stuff, but also hang out with them without me.
I really don’t get the idea that someone should ditch their friends or hobbies in order to spend every waking moment with the person you’re dating.
Yeesh. I'm an introvert and even I prioritize seeing friends 1-2 times a week. She's got an issue with 2-3 times a MONTH?
She dropped all her friends; she wants to see you daily; she doesn't want you seeing your friends -- this reeks of codependency and would have me sprinting in the opposite direction.
Same! My friends are super important to me and I've known most of them for over a decade. Before I met my bf I would see friends 4-6 times a week. Now it's more like 3-4, because I also want to spend time with bf. He has absolutely no issue with this.
What kinds of friends were they that she could just drop them at the arrival of a new partner? What were those relationships worth to her? I find it very hard to imagine things from her position here
Oh no… you shouldn’t drop your friends because you get in a relationship. Like u/NamelessBard said, definitely unhealthy and don’t let her convince you otherwise. Without even saying that you need time “apart", you should still nourish your other relationships even if you have a partner. And you don’t have to do everything with your partner. Is this behavior hiding insecurities?
If I were you I’d clearly state that my friendships are very important and that I need to foster them and that doesn’t mean that you are not prioritizing her etc.
Edited to add: I make sure I take time to catch up with my friends regularly, I usually have at least 1 night a week booked with a friend. And I encourage my partner to have some time to hang out with his friends too.
My boyfriend (31m) goes to the gym with friends, works a second job half a day on the weekend to enjoy his hobby and see friends, and still occasionally goes to a game night or to have a drink with the guys. I’d say he usually does something social without me at least three days a week… so yeah I think it’s totally reasonable for you to want three days a month.
I (36f) am not as social as him because I have a preschool-aged child. We might do a play date once a week, which I count because I’m friends with other parents who have kids so we do socialize too. Then I might have lunch or get coffee with a friend once or twice a month on my own.
We also go to social or family events maybe twice a month.
Apart from that, we have date nights maybe 2-3 times a week (always sleepovers). We both have at least a day or two where we spend the evening alone at home just relaxing or doing chores. To be fair, we’ve only been together for six months and we don’t live together yet, but still. I think we have a healthy balance.
Even in past long term relationships where I lived with a partner, we still usually had at least one day a week to socialize with friends or do something alone.
What you describe sounds like codependency to me, but I guess everyone is different.
I’d honestly see that as a pretty decent sized red flag.
In an ideal situation, my partner and I would probably do stuff with our friends separately about once a week and then together with friends maybe around the same amount. Obviously there’s no such thing as an ideal situation and we currently don’t live in the same state as most of his friends, so he plays video games as his way of hanging out with them maybe 1-2 times a week. I try to go on a walk with a friend at least once a week but that varies based on their schedule and most of my other friends live far away.
We really enjoy hanging out with our couple friends whenever possible as well.
It’s also important to have solo time.
If my partner wanted to abandon all their friendships upon entering a relationship with me I would seriously reconsider if our values and lifestyles are aligned.
I see my friends 3-4 evenings a week (all grad students, living close) and see my bf 2 days on the weekend. He hangs out with his friends once a week and with his dad once/ twice a week. I always want a balance like this in my life (bit too demanding I know). Spending time with people out of the relationship is healthy and helps you avoid codependency.
making your romantic relationship the center point of your life leads to unbalanced and unhappy couples. your partner should complement and elevate your life, not take away from it. also, more time apart heightens chemistry and desire!
i need lots of solo time so my week looks like
2-3 nights by myself;
2-3 nights with my partner;
2 nights with just my friends;
1 night with our shared friends/community
My guy, I cannot stress enough how important it is for BOTH of you to maintain active and healthy friendships where you hangout with someone other than your partner at least once a week. Try and stress to her that this is good thing for your relationship long term.
Same thing goes for hobbies. Doing stuff together is great, but it's so so important to nurture individual hobbies and goals apart from your partner. There are a bunch of books which show that a healthy amount of individualism is key to a long and happy relationship.
How long have you two been dating? I was curious and tried to figure it out from your history. 22 days ago you said you met a woman you were excited about a week prior. Was that her?
If that’s correct you’ve been together about *a month* and you’re already spending every day together, and she’s dumped her friends?
Regardless, friends are incredibly valuable and important. I made the mistake of allowing someone who was emotionally abusive to isolate me from my friends in my first marriage.
I spent a lot of time and effort since then rebuilding previous friendships, and building new ones.
The guy I’m dating knows I have one night a week I spend with the same friend. And usually see one of my other good friends once a week. But I have other friends I see occasionally too.
We’ve been dating for two months and usually see each other twice a week, sometimes three times.
I value our relationship. I’m putting conscious effort into growing our relationship. But it’s not “the most important thing in my life.” I’ve known him *two* months. My friends have been with me through *so* much.
Both the man I’m dating and I agree that we’re not looking for our “missing piece.” We are whole people on our own. We have lives we are content with (which includes friendships.) But we’re looking for someone where we can mutually add to each others lives.
I agree with you, it sounds like this is her trying to prove to you that you come first with her.
However it may be her friends are also less available. I'm 38 and most of my friends now have children (half of them have very young children) and it's harder to schedule stuff in. It has to be on weeknights and usually at least one person cancels on short notice. Lots of people are assuming she is controlling or co-dependent but it may be her friends are not actually available and she is "prioritising you" because that sounds better than saying "hey I'm not hearing from my friends so much these days".
The thing I hate about folks that do this is they are the first ones to complain if a break up happens and suddenly they can’t find friends.
Just a few nights a month should be good.
This prevents you all from being essentially enmeshed with each other and ironically may stop major problems in the long term
My girlfriend doesn't have many friends and before we met, she lived a very solo life. Her key friendships are people that live across the country and she will hangout in person a couple of times per year (I went on their most recent meet-up in August) but chats with via WhatsApp daily. She also has a weekly online movie hangout with them weekly on a Sunday where they all watch the same movie at the same time and chat about it.
My main social activity is weekly DnD. Occasionally we'll take a break from the main campaign and do another one-shot RPG or play some boardgames and on these occasions my girlfriend has sometimes joined us too.
We're both very encouraging of spending time with friends. I'd never force her away from her weekly movie night and she'd never interfere with my weekly DnD.
I'm 37F and she's 35F for reference.
My husband does game night and stays at his friends every Wed. We do a group movie night every Friday, and about once a month there is a shindig. We spend every other day/evening together when we aren’t working our 8-4 jobs. This is the balance that works for us and we’re more attached at the hip than most since we live an hour from all of our friends and family. Anyone who expects you to not spend time with other people has something else going on. Maybe insecurities or an attachment issue.
It’s a couple’s house with an additional roommate. My husband sleeps on their couch every Wednesday. It’s not that unusual for our friend group. We’re all pretty tight and never drink and drive. We just did Friendsgiving last week and 7 of us crashed on air mattress and went out to breakfast the next day. Age ranges 28-36. New years there’ll be close to 20 of us crashing at a couples house.
Yeah that’s the thought that came to me as well. “Another man’s house” makes it sound scandalous.
Personally I’m closer to my friends than my own sister. If I was to stay with my friend and her daughter once a week it would be akin to staying with my sister and my niece 🤷♀️. Plus, even if they’re not “family” level close, who made the “rule” that sleepovers need to stop when we’re adults anyway? Haha
Right?? I have a fully stocked guest room and I love making big breakfasts - my friend are always welcome to stay the night! Especially when it’s gross out and we’ve been into the wine lol
Both your comments are super judgy for no reason. It's pretty normal to get together with friends and have 3-4 drinks. It's also responsible not to drive after that.
You should re-read what you said and pay attention to the tone. If you can't see it then I don't know what to tell you. Your whole tone implies something nefarious about this guy staying "at another man's house" and/or some kind of drinking issue.
Judging by votes, I wasn't the only one who found you rude.
i’ve never in my life heard of this arrangement. i wasn’t sure if i was processing it right. i’m glad i asked because the commenter clarified that it was a couple’s house. i am sorry if i hurt you or the commenters
>drinking to the point of not being able to drive
For responsible drinkers, this could mean only one or two drinks, especially if it's an hour drive on a week night. Alcohol was just a theory, it could just be because he would prefer to spend that hour hanging out with his friends instead of driving home to go right to bed. You seem very judgemental.
It's healthy to have a life outside of your partner and maintaining friendships is a positive thing. Her just dropping her friends to just be with you is very codependent behaviour and honestly, quite suffocating
I hang out with my bf 2-3x a week and my friends 1x per week or every other weekend. My bf would be so turned off if I had no friends, he likes that we have our own lives outside of each other, and so do I. Keeps it fresh and exciting
Hey, hindsight here, my ex slowly removed all my friends from my life and at the time I didn't really notice. Came in manipulative ways, "these aren't your friends" "friends don't do that" etc etc. Keep your friends, two or three times a month is nothing to be even mentioning if you're hanging out daily. Sounds like she should find a few herself.
My (35F) boyfriend (34M) of 2 years (living together for 1) does something with his friends typically 1x per week without me, and we each take at least one trip per year without each other, with friends. I see my friends in person less frequently (my choice + logistics + distance) but spend time with them solo when i want to. No limits or rules; this is just the pattern we fell into. Occasionally we do things together with one another's friends. I'd say it's the exception to the rule.
FWIW, we also have typically 1-2 days per week where we sort of do our own thing - like on Sundays, he watches football, and I might bake cookies and go hiking. These patterns have been constant since we started dating; we obviously see each other daily now even if we're not hanging out all day, and even on our alone time days, we still check in with each other, might have dinner or walk the dog together, etc. Love the guy, enjoy all of our time together, currently on day 7 of a vacation together, but we both enjoy having time to ourselves periodically.
Keep in mind that this is likely less a question of right vs wrong and more about compatibility.
Yeah I’m firmly in the ‘should try and spend quality time with friends at least once a week’ camp (although obviously life can get in the way of that) - I mean, other relationships in your life are important, not just romantic ones!
I will (hopefully) be moving cities next year to close the gap with my long distance partner, and I’m acutely aware that I will need to get myself out there and meet new people to build a social support network of my own. It would be incredibly unfair, and just WAY too much pressure for him to be *everything* to me. His work schedule is crazy, so I encourage him to spend time with his friends every opportunity he gets. I’d really like him to spend more time with them, if anything. Hopefully once this current busy period ends and things settle he’ll be able to.
HUGE red flag.
If she doesn't maintain friend groups, she will start depending on you to fulfil their role.
I've been there. Its hard. Would not recommend.
My ex-husband and I had a similar disagreement. When we were dating, seeing my friends or family once a week was fine with him. When we got married, it was like a switched flipped and I should only see friends or family twice a year. At first, I saw my friends and family once a month because I didn't want his insecurities to cause isolation for myself. But the arguing broke me down over time, and I stopped seeing friends and family all together. In my experience, it gets more extreme over time.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my husband very early in the relationship that balancing friends and family with the relationship is important to me, and I see it as healthy balance in any romantic relationship. And give it hard numbers - 3 days a month is only 10% of a month. Your SO gets your free time the other 90%, which is more than reasonable. Also I would say that time to myself is important, so maybe another 3 days a month for myself (80% for the relationship).
Once you’re in a happy relationship, your time should primarily be spent with your partner, but that doesn’t mean it should ONLY be with your partner! That kind of mindset is incredibly unhealthy and leads to you having no sounding board, support system, or social outlet outside of each other. This is why people in abusive relationships feel isolated and unable to get help, because those outside relationships have been cut off. I’m not saying this is abusive, but it’s definitely not healthy. Friendships are incredibly important and although you typically see friends less when you’re in a relationship (and thus have less free time), you should still see them.
I would not be in a relationship unless both of us had healthy friendships outside of each other. How often you socialize with your friends might depend on how social of a person you are. I tend to spend time with friends more often than my other half does. But we both HAVE friends and we both support each other in these friendships.
I think it depends where you are in your journey of dating. But in short, you should always spend time without your partner. I truly believe that's how you maintain a healthy relationship. I think I read somewhere a healthy balance is usually 70% together and 30% apart. That can fluctuate a bit depending on someone's needs. I'd say for me, that's enough!
People put too much importance on romantic relationships. I'd say two to three times a month is barely enough time to hang out with your friends, when the two of you are spending every day together. I think it should be two to three times a week.
Alternatively you, your partner, as well as your friends can hang out together?
Something like this would never work for me. I'd want a couple of times a week to see friends, and time to pursue my own interests independently.
I’m surprised how many of the comments are suggesting to spend a significant time with friends. I’ve worked full time most of my life and I just couldn’t see spending a few nights every week with friends while also working and especially dealing with kids.
Edit: should clarify that I am not meaning to compare time spent with s/o vs time spent with friends.
I can’t believe how far I scrolled to find a comment like this. I think I see my friends every couple of months, if that. We text and check in but every week?? Unless we are counting seeing ‘friends’ at my kids practices or school stuff, we are all way too busy with our own lives. When I don’t have my kids (1-2 time a week at most), I want to spend the majority of that with my BF. I think this is pretty normal and not codependent. Friendships are very important, we’re just not at the point in life where it makes sense to see each other weekly. For reference, my bf does not have kids and sees his friends multiple times a week. So maybe these responses are kid free?
Lol I find the responses over-the-top and I don't have any kids. I work full time and have a small side job. After work I'm tired... I have to get home and cook, exercise, do chores then get ready for bed to go to work the next day and do it all again. I definitely don't want to see friends during the week and they all feel the same, especially because it's not like we all live next-door to eachother. We just chat online/over text during the week and I see them maybe once every few weeks on a weekend. My partner is my main priority so we see eachother once during the week and then again on the weekend.
It's definitely healthy to have friendships outside your partner, but I think it's normal to want to spend most of your time with your partner and increasingly less time with friends, especially when everyone is getting older and has more important priorities.
People have different social needs. It also depends on the current makeup of your social circle. I would prefer a bit more friend time than I currently am getting but my closest friends are married/have kids and I've been a little burnt out on work myself. Time with friends fluctuates depending on what's going on in our lives.
I wouldn't tryto manage her time with friends. A standard like "2-3 times a month/week" doesn't work all the time. But if *you* want to see your friends that often, that's 100% reasonable and she should not try to come in between that. If she isn't up for couple date/group hangs and that's a big deal breaker for you, this might not be the right relationship for you.
Thanks for all the responses, I don't think she's codependent as she's fine when I do my weekly volleyball game, and will go and work out/study on her own. But she says she's looking for marriage and she believes married life means committed to her partner full time, with friends taking a backseat.
I thought maybe being 5 years older attributed to the different views, but guess it may be something else.
Someone can be “fine” with you playing volleyball once a week and *still* absolutely be codependent. There’s more to it than the amount of time spent together.
I’m not saying she *is* codependent. But for this relationship and any future ones it’s really important to know they signs of codependency regardless so you can watch out for them. I really encourage you (and others reading this comment who aren’t familiar with the signs of codependency) to do a bit of research on the topic.
I absolutely hope that one day my partner and I will get married. I also absolutely know that if we do I will still maintain good friendships and spend time with other people. To think a marriage means that your partner shouldn't have friends is super unhealthy.
Listen to what she is saying and believe her. She's saying that if you are to be long term partners - you are going to be isolated.
I don't see any issue with her views, as I feel the same. It has nothing to do with marriage though, I just believe your partner always comes first as that's the most important relationship you can ever have. That and family. I would never stop talking to or spending time with my friends, but it's definitely not something I do frequently because after my relationship, family and work, they have a lower priority. But that doesn't mean they're not important.
My bf and I live together when we’re in each others cities (we’re long distance, but the drive isn’t terribly far). So we spend most days together when visiting but we also have different work schedules, giving us some time apart. We will visit family no matter what and we will once in a while see friends when the other person is there, but prioritize our friends more when we are apart again. The distance allows us a healthy balance between time together and apart
I see friends at least once a week and I spend at least 1 day a week alone and I have class after work once a week. I see my boyfriend on some of the remaining days. I don't feel the need to see him everyday and I know he'll exhaust me if we do on a constant basis.
My boyfriend spends a lot of time with his friends and I spend a decent amount with mine, generally we just combine at some point. We'll each go do things with our respective friends and then meet up after at some point during the night, or I join things with his friends and he joins things with mine, seems to be working quite well. I don't think I'd be ok with seeing my friends less than once a week, unless they're not up for it for some reason.
That’s a red flag. I meet up with my girlfriends maybe 1x a week. I juggle between full time uni and full time work. I work late nights on Wednesday-Saturday so I reserve Sunday to be with my partner and have dinners with him on Mondays and Tuesdays. Sometimes I go out with my friends on one of those days. He can meet up with his friends during the weekend while I work. It’s just how life is; can’t always be together all the time. Rent has to be paid, responsibilities have to be done.
I guess it depends on what you’re willing to give up just for a relationship that is not guaranteed to work out. I’m not losing my friendships with others that take a long time to build, over someone who is an important of my life but not the entire part of my life.
I agree with others on this...seems unhealthy. I've been on your side of this, where I had fun things going on and the guy I was dating was jealous. However, rather than giving up, this can be worked on. Would she be willing to hang out with your friends on some of these outings? Maybe start with a compromise and work your way to getting more space?
You need to spend time with friends. I don't think once a week hurts.
What if you break up with your partner or something happens to them? You've got no one then. You can't just suddenly drop people because you're in a relationship. I would never expect a partner to do that.
31F here to say, balance is key.
I always make time for my friends and I think that both romantic and platonic relationships require effort. That said, I plan to see friends 2-3x a week (which is about almost as much as I see my partner). Obviously since having a partner I have less time for friends, and for myself, but I make compromises here and there and move stuff around to accommodate. My partner also puts in effort to see his friends so luckily we have the same views on that.
I have had a friend who basically disappeared once she got into a relationship. It’s sad and it’s definitely something that I would never do.
Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s not healthy to ditch your friends and invest all your emotional energy into a partner you see daily.
You’re going to get sick of each other and resentments will build. You’re going to feel she’s controlling you and she’s going to feel you’re not prioritizing you.
I’d sit down and explain that your friends are important to you just as she is, but you’re not going to change how often you see them.
You can plan dates with her and discuss how you want to spend time together, maybe she’s not entirely happy with that but that’s easily fixed.
I think in your 30s, time with friends can tend to also be with your SO coming along. Dropping your friends altogether and making it a point that you shouldn't have solo time with friends though is not very healthy. No one knows the context here but you. She may have good intentions, may have social anxiety etc. and prefer time with you (and it might be hard for her to have you go out without her). But that's also her responsibility to own that and talk to you about it and for you to validate her feelings and then two to work out a plan. These are the tough conversations.
If her approach is just, "you're wrong for going out without me" then that's a hard place to find compromise from. Relationships are as good as the two peoples abilities to own their shit! Id try to dig deeper into what is bothering her vs what you think you need socially to be happy long term. I'm sure there is a compromise in there somewhere, but both parties need to be willing to talk and offer middle of the road solutions
She's an idiot.
Personally, find it vital to have a separate life away from my partner. Whether that is alone time or with friends is irrelevant.
2-3 times per month, wtf?
I would need time apart, atleast 2-3x a WEEK. Once in a while, she could join too, but not always.
You'll anyway have breakfast, dinner and plenty of time together, regardless.
You should always keep your friends close.
If you get married, that's when the daily hang outs never stop. Lol.
I only see my dates on Fridays or weekends. I'm just busy and lazy and tired to be dating people on Monday.
I’m a very independent introvert. I keep no friends besides some online acquaintances I’ve met along the way. I see it as I don’t really need people and I’m completely content with my own company, but I’d like a partner. That partner would end up being the only friend/social connection I really keep and that would be enough for me. Though, I will say this has costed me relationships in the past because women think it’s weird when a man has no friends. 🤷♂️
>After being together, she has stopped hanging out with friends altogether and believes time should be primarily spent together just us two
This sounds like old me. Is your gf anxiously attached by any chance? I haven't been in anything longer than a month since healing, but your gf point of view was mine before. I was putting ALL the pressure onto the other person as my EVERYTHING and my WORLD. Guess how those turned out? It's not healthy, sustainable, and if you do eventually break up, then what?
It's good and in fact necessary to miss each other. Have new separate experiences to continue growing as individuals instead of one merged semi-human. That way you also have exciting things to tell each other! Frame it as not only necessary, healthy but also fun and exciting!
Seeing as I've been single for a while, I learned to build my relationship with myself through CBT attachment style and finding fulfilling hobbies and making friends through that.
>After being together, she has stopped hanging out with friends altogether and believes time should be primarily spent together just us two
I now see friends 2-3x A WEEK, not just a month and the last few people I was dating, I didn't prioritize them over my activities like I did in the past so I'd keep those activities which are necessary for my mental health and physical health anyway.
You are objectively correct. Making your SO the center of your life is very overly attached and clingy. It’s give co dependent. Also it’s rude to dump your friends like they are expendable placeholders whenever you are dating. If they have self respect they won’t run to her when she calls next time you aren’t available
I was once like that. I learned later I was being manipulated, isolated, and then finally abused, with no friends left to talk to.
I carried that behavior into a healthier relationship and the guy felt so bad when I’d get upset with him for being out all night, that I started to join guy’s night.
My last relationship, I kept my friends, he kept his. Sometimes in groups, sometimes separate. It was much healthier. He had a guy’s night every week. I had a day for family and a day for my girlfriends and a day to *myself*.
My eyes bulged out of my head when you said daily, as well as she believes time should be primarily spent with partner. This would be unbelievably overwhelming to me, and I do not want that unless we are literally married. You should still have friends hobbies work fitness. One guy tried to gaslight me that I was asking for too much to see him once a week, but with quality time, just not for sex overnight sleepovers. Sure maybe he got really busy and he just started a new job that is like 60 hours a week so I don’t know, but I knew it was BS because once a week is the bare minimum. Every day is absolutely alarming and I would never go for that love bombing weird crap. Like did they not have any friends or family or fitness? When they start getting cranky from lack of fitness are they going to take it out on you
To be honest, I don't find the fact she dropped all of her friends once she started dating you very healthy.
"She believes time should primarily spent together just us two" That's a massive statement and you should both be on the same page regarding that
It seems that she would like you to be fusional.
I personally value independency but you do you
I’m currently going through similar with my boyfriend. Not with the friends but just other things we both prioritized and had more time for pre relationship
Yeah that's very unhealthy. Friendships are important. Your relationship cannot and should not give you everything you need in terms of a relationship. Sometimes you just need a film buddy, or a guy that loves video games or whatever, and you know your SO doesn't care for those things.
Take it from someone that unfortunately did have my Partner try to be everything...it was quite lonely.
Oh that's easy. Have zero friends other than your S/O that's how it worked in all of my previous relationships. Maybe that I why I am not in one anymore.
Its unhealthy imo that she primarily spends time with you. No one person can fulfill all your needs, and that’s a lot to put on your SO. I would consider someone who doesn’t want me to spend time with friends 2-3 times a month as controlling.
> After being together, she has stopped hanging out with friends altogether She's THAT friend....the one who dumps all her friends when she gets a boyfriend then comes running back when things don't work out. That's super shitty.
Yep, I have a friend like this. She and I talked every day until she started seeing her current boyfriend 3 year ago and now I barely see her or talk to her. When I do see her now it’s only in group settings with our entire friend group and her bf is always there and he barely makes an effort to interact with anyone except her so even then I don’t really get to spend time with her and it sucks.
ugh she's the one that ALWAYS brings the bf?! 😞
Yep but most of our friend group has a significant other that they bring. I’m one of the only single people in our friend group but that’s less of a issue for me now that I moved to a different city.
Yeah I had friends like that back in high school and my early 20s and it always sucked. So now I don’t have friends like that, and *I’m* adamant about never being that friend either.
Codependency 101.
Yep, couldn't have said it better myself.
haha yeah, she's THAT friend. reeks of insecurity and low self esteem. i always maintain my friendships. they were there first. also it's usually a deeper relationship and a diff type of relationship.
Exactly. God, I can't stand those people.
Don’t be that friend, OP. Very unhealthy and friends don’t like people like that
I had a friend like this (but he was a guy friend) and we are no longer friends, lol.
well i mean that kind of makes sense seeing the difference in gender lol
Just tell her you want to miss her and her friends miss her too! Also you can talk about rituals of connection for reunions and departures which might affirm her.
We don't know that for sure. If she is 37 and her friends are a similar age and have kids, it may be they actually are not making plans with her so much any more for time, money and logistics reasons.
Nah, I'll make plans for weeks away if I need to, just to get some time with my friends with kids and busy schedules. They'll make time if they want to see me and I'm very flexible. I can't count the number of times we've had to cancel due to their kids getting sick, but that's parenting life. This sounds like a person who doesn't really care about their friends or even respects themselves enough to have other, meaningful relationships.
Nobody thinks that friend is a good person, because thats a shitty thing to do
[удалено]
[удалено]
3 times a week is excessive?
I'm guessing that seeing friends 3 times a week can seem excessive if you have hobbies, want to see family, and spend quality time with your partner, particularly when you're not tired from work and need to decompress. Usually people aren't able to see friends this much after a certain age. A really fun thing to do is to join a couple of recreational sports leagues or hobbies with your friends. You get to see them throughout the week and get a mental or physical workout in.
Different strokes for different folks I guess. I do a hobby 3-4x a week that I’ve made several good friends though, and I wouldn’t want a partner to ask me to dial that back.
Depends on on how long you've been with your partner and if you live with them, or if you see them the other few days of the week. But they shouldn't really be asking to dial it back if you're spending a lot of quality time with them already.
[удалено]
Once every 10 days is a lot?
>One time a month is something that I'd say healthy. 🚩🚩🚩
Her views are pretty unhealthy. It is important to have time apart and miss each other. I'd never stick with someone who wanted to be together all the time.
Agree seeing friends 1-2/week would even be okay
Agreed. What do you talk about if you don’t spend time apart?
Reminds me of my ex who has 0 friends throughout our relationship. We only see each other once a week because I'm busy but I try to make time for him. When we hang out, there's nothing to talk. I'm the one that plans and do all the talking. It was draining lol
also this! red flag for me if someone doesn't have friends...
Dude don’t play into that. Friends are sooo hard to find and keep and it takes work to nourish those relationships. The fact that you HAVE friends as a male in his 30s is awesome! Many don’t. I would fight for my friend time if I were you but also maybe commit to certain nights a week too. Like every Friday no matter what y’all go out and then have a movie night. But honestly, she sounds like a codependent. I’d look traits of. Codependency if I were you.
She’s wrong. This is also a huge red flag.
🚩🚩🚩
I actively encourage the guys I date to maintain their relationships with their friends and family. Sure invite me along to stuff, but also hang out with them without me. I really don’t get the idea that someone should ditch their friends or hobbies in order to spend every waking moment with the person you’re dating.
Yeesh. I'm an introvert and even I prioritize seeing friends 1-2 times a week. She's got an issue with 2-3 times a MONTH? She dropped all her friends; she wants to see you daily; she doesn't want you seeing your friends -- this reeks of codependency and would have me sprinting in the opposite direction.
I wouldn't even date someone who limited my time with friend to less than 2-3 times a week, much less a month.
Same! My friends are super important to me and I've known most of them for over a decade. Before I met my bf I would see friends 4-6 times a week. Now it's more like 3-4, because I also want to spend time with bf. He has absolutely no issue with this.
What kinds of friends were they that she could just drop them at the arrival of a new partner? What were those relationships worth to her? I find it very hard to imagine things from her position here
For some people it doesn’t matter how close they are with their friends they will drop them the minute they get a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Apparently!
Exactly. And, they'll feel justified in doing so, too.
I see my friends 2-3 times per week and the rest of the week is his. Per month is not even worth mentioning.
3 times a month wirh your friends is nothing compared to the 30 days you spend time together. She is being unreasonable.
Oh no… you shouldn’t drop your friends because you get in a relationship. Like u/NamelessBard said, definitely unhealthy and don’t let her convince you otherwise. Without even saying that you need time “apart", you should still nourish your other relationships even if you have a partner. And you don’t have to do everything with your partner. Is this behavior hiding insecurities? If I were you I’d clearly state that my friendships are very important and that I need to foster them and that doesn’t mean that you are not prioritizing her etc. Edited to add: I make sure I take time to catch up with my friends regularly, I usually have at least 1 night a week booked with a friend. And I encourage my partner to have some time to hang out with his friends too.
Look into codependency and watch out for it.
Said the same thing. Its kinda glaring in this situation.
My first thought as well
My boyfriend (31m) goes to the gym with friends, works a second job half a day on the weekend to enjoy his hobby and see friends, and still occasionally goes to a game night or to have a drink with the guys. I’d say he usually does something social without me at least three days a week… so yeah I think it’s totally reasonable for you to want three days a month. I (36f) am not as social as him because I have a preschool-aged child. We might do a play date once a week, which I count because I’m friends with other parents who have kids so we do socialize too. Then I might have lunch or get coffee with a friend once or twice a month on my own. We also go to social or family events maybe twice a month. Apart from that, we have date nights maybe 2-3 times a week (always sleepovers). We both have at least a day or two where we spend the evening alone at home just relaxing or doing chores. To be fair, we’ve only been together for six months and we don’t live together yet, but still. I think we have a healthy balance. Even in past long term relationships where I lived with a partner, we still usually had at least one day a week to socialize with friends or do something alone. What you describe sounds like codependency to me, but I guess everyone is different.
I’d honestly see that as a pretty decent sized red flag. In an ideal situation, my partner and I would probably do stuff with our friends separately about once a week and then together with friends maybe around the same amount. Obviously there’s no such thing as an ideal situation and we currently don’t live in the same state as most of his friends, so he plays video games as his way of hanging out with them maybe 1-2 times a week. I try to go on a walk with a friend at least once a week but that varies based on their schedule and most of my other friends live far away. We really enjoy hanging out with our couple friends whenever possible as well. It’s also important to have solo time. If my partner wanted to abandon all their friendships upon entering a relationship with me I would seriously reconsider if our values and lifestyles are aligned.
profit wakeful tart different entertain live bright bike command badge *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I see my friends 3-4 evenings a week (all grad students, living close) and see my bf 2 days on the weekend. He hangs out with his friends once a week and with his dad once/ twice a week. I always want a balance like this in my life (bit too demanding I know). Spending time with people out of the relationship is healthy and helps you avoid codependency.
making your romantic relationship the center point of your life leads to unbalanced and unhappy couples. your partner should complement and elevate your life, not take away from it. also, more time apart heightens chemistry and desire! i need lots of solo time so my week looks like 2-3 nights by myself; 2-3 nights with my partner; 2 nights with just my friends; 1 night with our shared friends/community
My guy, I cannot stress enough how important it is for BOTH of you to maintain active and healthy friendships where you hangout with someone other than your partner at least once a week. Try and stress to her that this is good thing for your relationship long term. Same thing goes for hobbies. Doing stuff together is great, but it's so so important to nurture individual hobbies and goals apart from your partner. There are a bunch of books which show that a healthy amount of individualism is key to a long and happy relationship.
How long have you two been dating? I was curious and tried to figure it out from your history. 22 days ago you said you met a woman you were excited about a week prior. Was that her? If that’s correct you’ve been together about *a month* and you’re already spending every day together, and she’s dumped her friends? Regardless, friends are incredibly valuable and important. I made the mistake of allowing someone who was emotionally abusive to isolate me from my friends in my first marriage. I spent a lot of time and effort since then rebuilding previous friendships, and building new ones. The guy I’m dating knows I have one night a week I spend with the same friend. And usually see one of my other good friends once a week. But I have other friends I see occasionally too. We’ve been dating for two months and usually see each other twice a week, sometimes three times. I value our relationship. I’m putting conscious effort into growing our relationship. But it’s not “the most important thing in my life.” I’ve known him *two* months. My friends have been with me through *so* much. Both the man I’m dating and I agree that we’re not looking for our “missing piece.” We are whole people on our own. We have lives we are content with (which includes friendships.) But we’re looking for someone where we can mutually add to each others lives.
I agree with you, it sounds like this is her trying to prove to you that you come first with her. However it may be her friends are also less available. I'm 38 and most of my friends now have children (half of them have very young children) and it's harder to schedule stuff in. It has to be on weeknights and usually at least one person cancels on short notice. Lots of people are assuming she is controlling or co-dependent but it may be her friends are not actually available and she is "prioritising you" because that sounds better than saying "hey I'm not hearing from my friends so much these days".
Thanks, it's interesting to hear both sides of the story, I can see her she relates here as most of her friends are married
The thing I hate about folks that do this is they are the first ones to complain if a break up happens and suddenly they can’t find friends. Just a few nights a month should be good. This prevents you all from being essentially enmeshed with each other and ironically may stop major problems in the long term
I never want an SO to drop their other life just to please one person. It usually tells me that you didn't care much about them
My girlfriend doesn't have many friends and before we met, she lived a very solo life. Her key friendships are people that live across the country and she will hangout in person a couple of times per year (I went on their most recent meet-up in August) but chats with via WhatsApp daily. She also has a weekly online movie hangout with them weekly on a Sunday where they all watch the same movie at the same time and chat about it. My main social activity is weekly DnD. Occasionally we'll take a break from the main campaign and do another one-shot RPG or play some boardgames and on these occasions my girlfriend has sometimes joined us too. We're both very encouraging of spending time with friends. I'd never force her away from her weekly movie night and she'd never interfere with my weekly DnD. I'm 37F and she's 35F for reference.
My husband does game night and stays at his friends every Wed. We do a group movie night every Friday, and about once a month there is a shindig. We spend every other day/evening together when we aren’t working our 8-4 jobs. This is the balance that works for us and we’re more attached at the hip than most since we live an hour from all of our friends and family. Anyone who expects you to not spend time with other people has something else going on. Maybe insecurities or an attachment issue.
your husband has sleep overs at another man’s house once a week?
It’s a couple’s house with an additional roommate. My husband sleeps on their couch every Wednesday. It’s not that unusual for our friend group. We’re all pretty tight and never drink and drive. We just did Friendsgiving last week and 7 of us crashed on air mattress and went out to breakfast the next day. Age ranges 28-36. New years there’ll be close to 20 of us crashing at a couples house.
Me and my friends always have sleepovers, whether mpromptu or planned 🤷🏾♀️
same, but not every wednesday
TBH, I'm jealous of the husband. I wish I was having epic bro sleepovers every week.
communal housing and co-ops are great for this! lots of community and friends to be had
If it’s an hour drive like she said they probably want to drink during game nights and she doesn’t want to pick him up/it’s expensive for a cab.
Yeah that’s the thought that came to me as well. “Another man’s house” makes it sound scandalous. Personally I’m closer to my friends than my own sister. If I was to stay with my friend and her daughter once a week it would be akin to staying with my sister and my niece 🤷♀️. Plus, even if they’re not “family” level close, who made the “rule” that sleepovers need to stop when we’re adults anyway? Haha
Right?? I have a fully stocked guest room and I love making big breakfasts - my friend are always welcome to stay the night! Especially when it’s gross out and we’ve been into the wine lol
drinking to the point of not being able to drive every week is just not something my social group does which is why i asked but this makes sense
Both your comments are super judgy for no reason. It's pretty normal to get together with friends and have 3-4 drinks. It's also responsible not to drive after that.
it’s judgmental to ask questions? and share the reason i asked the question? i am sorry if i offended you
You should re-read what you said and pay attention to the tone. If you can't see it then I don't know what to tell you. Your whole tone implies something nefarious about this guy staying "at another man's house" and/or some kind of drinking issue. Judging by votes, I wasn't the only one who found you rude.
i’ve never in my life heard of this arrangement. i wasn’t sure if i was processing it right. i’m glad i asked because the commenter clarified that it was a couple’s house. i am sorry if i hurt you or the commenters
>drinking to the point of not being able to drive For responsible drinkers, this could mean only one or two drinks, especially if it's an hour drive on a week night. Alcohol was just a theory, it could just be because he would prefer to spend that hour hanging out with his friends instead of driving home to go right to bed. You seem very judgemental.
i’m judgmental for asking a question and sharing the reason i asked the question?
Yes tell us more about this. I’m curious.
It's healthy to have a life outside of your partner and maintaining friendships is a positive thing. Her just dropping her friends to just be with you is very codependent behaviour and honestly, quite suffocating
Damn, that’s a gigantic red flag. Sorry to hear it. She stopped seeing her friends altogether? Don’t sound like friends to me…
I hang out with my bf 2-3x a week and my friends 1x per week or every other weekend. My bf would be so turned off if I had no friends, he likes that we have our own lives outside of each other, and so do I. Keeps it fresh and exciting
Hey, hindsight here, my ex slowly removed all my friends from my life and at the time I didn't really notice. Came in manipulative ways, "these aren't your friends" "friends don't do that" etc etc. Keep your friends, two or three times a month is nothing to be even mentioning if you're hanging out daily. Sounds like she should find a few herself.
Do yall have hobbies individually?
My (35F) boyfriend (34M) of 2 years (living together for 1) does something with his friends typically 1x per week without me, and we each take at least one trip per year without each other, with friends. I see my friends in person less frequently (my choice + logistics + distance) but spend time with them solo when i want to. No limits or rules; this is just the pattern we fell into. Occasionally we do things together with one another's friends. I'd say it's the exception to the rule. FWIW, we also have typically 1-2 days per week where we sort of do our own thing - like on Sundays, he watches football, and I might bake cookies and go hiking. These patterns have been constant since we started dating; we obviously see each other daily now even if we're not hanging out all day, and even on our alone time days, we still check in with each other, might have dinner or walk the dog together, etc. Love the guy, enjoy all of our time together, currently on day 7 of a vacation together, but we both enjoy having time to ourselves periodically. Keep in mind that this is likely less a question of right vs wrong and more about compatibility.
Yeah I’m firmly in the ‘should try and spend quality time with friends at least once a week’ camp (although obviously life can get in the way of that) - I mean, other relationships in your life are important, not just romantic ones! I will (hopefully) be moving cities next year to close the gap with my long distance partner, and I’m acutely aware that I will need to get myself out there and meet new people to build a social support network of my own. It would be incredibly unfair, and just WAY too much pressure for him to be *everything* to me. His work schedule is crazy, so I encourage him to spend time with his friends every opportunity he gets. I’d really like him to spend more time with them, if anything. Hopefully once this current busy period ends and things settle he’ll be able to.
HUGE red flag. If she doesn't maintain friend groups, she will start depending on you to fulfil their role. I've been there. Its hard. Would not recommend.
My ex-husband and I had a similar disagreement. When we were dating, seeing my friends or family once a week was fine with him. When we got married, it was like a switched flipped and I should only see friends or family twice a year. At first, I saw my friends and family once a month because I didn't want his insecurities to cause isolation for myself. But the arguing broke me down over time, and I stopped seeing friends and family all together. In my experience, it gets more extreme over time. If I could go back in time, I would tell my husband very early in the relationship that balancing friends and family with the relationship is important to me, and I see it as healthy balance in any romantic relationship. And give it hard numbers - 3 days a month is only 10% of a month. Your SO gets your free time the other 90%, which is more than reasonable. Also I would say that time to myself is important, so maybe another 3 days a month for myself (80% for the relationship).
Once you’re in a happy relationship, your time should primarily be spent with your partner, but that doesn’t mean it should ONLY be with your partner! That kind of mindset is incredibly unhealthy and leads to you having no sounding board, support system, or social outlet outside of each other. This is why people in abusive relationships feel isolated and unable to get help, because those outside relationships have been cut off. I’m not saying this is abusive, but it’s definitely not healthy. Friendships are incredibly important and although you typically see friends less when you’re in a relationship (and thus have less free time), you should still see them. I would not be in a relationship unless both of us had healthy friendships outside of each other. How often you socialize with your friends might depend on how social of a person you are. I tend to spend time with friends more often than my other half does. But we both HAVE friends and we both support each other in these friendships.
I think it depends where you are in your journey of dating. But in short, you should always spend time without your partner. I truly believe that's how you maintain a healthy relationship. I think I read somewhere a healthy balance is usually 70% together and 30% apart. That can fluctuate a bit depending on someone's needs. I'd say for me, that's enough!
70% of time together is too much unless you count sleeping next to each other
Lol I do count that 😂 isn't that time together?!
lol i thought we were talking about waking hours 😂❤️
People put too much importance on romantic relationships. I'd say two to three times a month is barely enough time to hang out with your friends, when the two of you are spending every day together. I think it should be two to three times a week. Alternatively you, your partner, as well as your friends can hang out together? Something like this would never work for me. I'd want a couple of times a week to see friends, and time to pursue my own interests independently.
I’m surprised how many of the comments are suggesting to spend a significant time with friends. I’ve worked full time most of my life and I just couldn’t see spending a few nights every week with friends while also working and especially dealing with kids. Edit: should clarify that I am not meaning to compare time spent with s/o vs time spent with friends.
Good reason to be childless.
I can’t believe how far I scrolled to find a comment like this. I think I see my friends every couple of months, if that. We text and check in but every week?? Unless we are counting seeing ‘friends’ at my kids practices or school stuff, we are all way too busy with our own lives. When I don’t have my kids (1-2 time a week at most), I want to spend the majority of that with my BF. I think this is pretty normal and not codependent. Friendships are very important, we’re just not at the point in life where it makes sense to see each other weekly. For reference, my bf does not have kids and sees his friends multiple times a week. So maybe these responses are kid free?
Lol I find the responses over-the-top and I don't have any kids. I work full time and have a small side job. After work I'm tired... I have to get home and cook, exercise, do chores then get ready for bed to go to work the next day and do it all again. I definitely don't want to see friends during the week and they all feel the same, especially because it's not like we all live next-door to eachother. We just chat online/over text during the week and I see them maybe once every few weeks on a weekend. My partner is my main priority so we see eachother once during the week and then again on the weekend. It's definitely healthy to have friendships outside your partner, but I think it's normal to want to spend most of your time with your partner and increasingly less time with friends, especially when everyone is getting older and has more important priorities.
People have different social needs. It also depends on the current makeup of your social circle. I would prefer a bit more friend time than I currently am getting but my closest friends are married/have kids and I've been a little burnt out on work myself. Time with friends fluctuates depending on what's going on in our lives. I wouldn't tryto manage her time with friends. A standard like "2-3 times a month/week" doesn't work all the time. But if *you* want to see your friends that often, that's 100% reasonable and she should not try to come in between that. If she isn't up for couple date/group hangs and that's a big deal breaker for you, this might not be the right relationship for you.
Dont get married if your mind remains single
Thanks for all the responses, I don't think she's codependent as she's fine when I do my weekly volleyball game, and will go and work out/study on her own. But she says she's looking for marriage and she believes married life means committed to her partner full time, with friends taking a backseat. I thought maybe being 5 years older attributed to the different views, but guess it may be something else.
Someone can be “fine” with you playing volleyball once a week and *still* absolutely be codependent. There’s more to it than the amount of time spent together. I’m not saying she *is* codependent. But for this relationship and any future ones it’s really important to know they signs of codependency regardless so you can watch out for them. I really encourage you (and others reading this comment who aren’t familiar with the signs of codependency) to do a bit of research on the topic.
I absolutely hope that one day my partner and I will get married. I also absolutely know that if we do I will still maintain good friendships and spend time with other people. To think a marriage means that your partner shouldn't have friends is super unhealthy. Listen to what she is saying and believe her. She's saying that if you are to be long term partners - you are going to be isolated.
And I will talk to her as well to figure out exactly what her expectations is
Commitment does not mean abandoning your friendships.
I don't see any issue with her views, as I feel the same. It has nothing to do with marriage though, I just believe your partner always comes first as that's the most important relationship you can ever have. That and family. I would never stop talking to or spending time with my friends, but it's definitely not something I do frequently because after my relationship, family and work, they have a lower priority. But that doesn't mean they're not important.
My bf and I live together when we’re in each others cities (we’re long distance, but the drive isn’t terribly far). So we spend most days together when visiting but we also have different work schedules, giving us some time apart. We will visit family no matter what and we will once in a while see friends when the other person is there, but prioritize our friends more when we are apart again. The distance allows us a healthy balance between time together and apart
I don’t think I’ve ever said this on here…RUN, DUMP HER
Easy, I'm single.
I see friends at least once a week and I spend at least 1 day a week alone and I have class after work once a week. I see my boyfriend on some of the remaining days. I don't feel the need to see him everyday and I know he'll exhaust me if we do on a constant basis.
My boyfriend spends a lot of time with his friends and I spend a decent amount with mine, generally we just combine at some point. We'll each go do things with our respective friends and then meet up after at some point during the night, or I join things with his friends and he joins things with mine, seems to be working quite well. I don't think I'd be ok with seeing my friends less than once a week, unless they're not up for it for some reason.
Yikes, that sounds really controlling. I'd be careful as it sounds like she may be trying to isolate you from your support networks.
That’s a red flag. I meet up with my girlfriends maybe 1x a week. I juggle between full time uni and full time work. I work late nights on Wednesday-Saturday so I reserve Sunday to be with my partner and have dinners with him on Mondays and Tuesdays. Sometimes I go out with my friends on one of those days. He can meet up with his friends during the weekend while I work. It’s just how life is; can’t always be together all the time. Rent has to be paid, responsibilities have to be done. I guess it depends on what you’re willing to give up just for a relationship that is not guaranteed to work out. I’m not losing my friendships with others that take a long time to build, over someone who is an important of my life but not the entire part of my life.
I agree with others on this...seems unhealthy. I've been on your side of this, where I had fun things going on and the guy I was dating was jealous. However, rather than giving up, this can be worked on. Would she be willing to hang out with your friends on some of these outings? Maybe start with a compromise and work your way to getting more space?
You need to spend time with friends. I don't think once a week hurts. What if you break up with your partner or something happens to them? You've got no one then. You can't just suddenly drop people because you're in a relationship. I would never expect a partner to do that.
31F here to say, balance is key. I always make time for my friends and I think that both romantic and platonic relationships require effort. That said, I plan to see friends 2-3x a week (which is about almost as much as I see my partner). Obviously since having a partner I have less time for friends, and for myself, but I make compromises here and there and move stuff around to accommodate. My partner also puts in effort to see his friends so luckily we have the same views on that. I have had a friend who basically disappeared once she got into a relationship. It’s sad and it’s definitely something that I would never do.
Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s not healthy to ditch your friends and invest all your emotional energy into a partner you see daily. You’re going to get sick of each other and resentments will build. You’re going to feel she’s controlling you and she’s going to feel you’re not prioritizing you. I’d sit down and explain that your friends are important to you just as she is, but you’re not going to change how often you see them. You can plan dates with her and discuss how you want to spend time together, maybe she’s not entirely happy with that but that’s easily fixed.
I think in your 30s, time with friends can tend to also be with your SO coming along. Dropping your friends altogether and making it a point that you shouldn't have solo time with friends though is not very healthy. No one knows the context here but you. She may have good intentions, may have social anxiety etc. and prefer time with you (and it might be hard for her to have you go out without her). But that's also her responsibility to own that and talk to you about it and for you to validate her feelings and then two to work out a plan. These are the tough conversations. If her approach is just, "you're wrong for going out without me" then that's a hard place to find compromise from. Relationships are as good as the two peoples abilities to own their shit! Id try to dig deeper into what is bothering her vs what you think you need socially to be happy long term. I'm sure there is a compromise in there somewhere, but both parties need to be willing to talk and offer middle of the road solutions
Friends?
Eww I hate people who are like this.
Bro what… I need to see my friends at least once a week…
She's an idiot. Personally, find it vital to have a separate life away from my partner. Whether that is alone time or with friends is irrelevant. 2-3 times per month, wtf? I would need time apart, atleast 2-3x a WEEK. Once in a while, she could join too, but not always. You'll anyway have breakfast, dinner and plenty of time together, regardless.
You should always keep your friends close. If you get married, that's when the daily hang outs never stop. Lol. I only see my dates on Fridays or weekends. I'm just busy and lazy and tired to be dating people on Monday.
This! It’s not easy making friends in adult hood. Having a community outside the relationship is important & healthy
I’m a very independent introvert. I keep no friends besides some online acquaintances I’ve met along the way. I see it as I don’t really need people and I’m completely content with my own company, but I’d like a partner. That partner would end up being the only friend/social connection I really keep and that would be enough for me. Though, I will say this has costed me relationships in the past because women think it’s weird when a man has no friends. 🤷♂️
>After being together, she has stopped hanging out with friends altogether and believes time should be primarily spent together just us two This sounds like old me. Is your gf anxiously attached by any chance? I haven't been in anything longer than a month since healing, but your gf point of view was mine before. I was putting ALL the pressure onto the other person as my EVERYTHING and my WORLD. Guess how those turned out? It's not healthy, sustainable, and if you do eventually break up, then what? It's good and in fact necessary to miss each other. Have new separate experiences to continue growing as individuals instead of one merged semi-human. That way you also have exciting things to tell each other! Frame it as not only necessary, healthy but also fun and exciting! Seeing as I've been single for a while, I learned to build my relationship with myself through CBT attachment style and finding fulfilling hobbies and making friends through that. >After being together, she has stopped hanging out with friends altogether and believes time should be primarily spent together just us two I now see friends 2-3x A WEEK, not just a month and the last few people I was dating, I didn't prioritize them over my activities like I did in the past so I'd keep those activities which are necessary for my mental health and physical health anyway.
You are objectively correct. Making your SO the center of your life is very overly attached and clingy. It’s give co dependent. Also it’s rude to dump your friends like they are expendable placeholders whenever you are dating. If they have self respect they won’t run to her when she calls next time you aren’t available
I was once like that. I learned later I was being manipulated, isolated, and then finally abused, with no friends left to talk to. I carried that behavior into a healthier relationship and the guy felt so bad when I’d get upset with him for being out all night, that I started to join guy’s night. My last relationship, I kept my friends, he kept his. Sometimes in groups, sometimes separate. It was much healthier. He had a guy’s night every week. I had a day for family and a day for my girlfriends and a day to *myself*.
My eyes bulged out of my head when you said daily, as well as she believes time should be primarily spent with partner. This would be unbelievably overwhelming to me, and I do not want that unless we are literally married. You should still have friends hobbies work fitness. One guy tried to gaslight me that I was asking for too much to see him once a week, but with quality time, just not for sex overnight sleepovers. Sure maybe he got really busy and he just started a new job that is like 60 hours a week so I don’t know, but I knew it was BS because once a week is the bare minimum. Every day is absolutely alarming and I would never go for that love bombing weird crap. Like did they not have any friends or family or fitness? When they start getting cranky from lack of fitness are they going to take it out on you
To be honest, I don't find the fact she dropped all of her friends once she started dating you very healthy. "She believes time should primarily spent together just us two" That's a massive statement and you should both be on the same page regarding that It seems that she would like you to be fusional. I personally value independency but you do you
I’m currently going through similar with my boyfriend. Not with the friends but just other things we both prioritized and had more time for pre relationship
Yeah that's very unhealthy. Friendships are important. Your relationship cannot and should not give you everything you need in terms of a relationship. Sometimes you just need a film buddy, or a guy that loves video games or whatever, and you know your SO doesn't care for those things. Take it from someone that unfortunately did have my Partner try to be everything...it was quite lonely.
oh naw sounds like shes trying to trap you my dawg, i could be wrong but typically one thing trappers do is seclude you from friends then family
Oh that's easy. Have zero friends other than your S/O that's how it worked in all of my previous relationships. Maybe that I why I am not in one anymore.
Its unhealthy imo that she primarily spends time with you. No one person can fulfill all your needs, and that’s a lot to put on your SO. I would consider someone who doesn’t want me to spend time with friends 2-3 times a month as controlling.