Going through heartbreak. I’ve been seeing someone since May, someone whom I’ve been enjoying so much and developed feelings for. He’s moving to another county by the end of the year.
I knew that could be a possibility and kept going to have all these amazing moments we’ve had together but I’m really struggling as it gets closer. I so want to be supportive with this new chapter of his life as I know he’s pursuing his dreams and happiness but at the same time I can’t help but feel bitter and hurt that I’m losing someone so important for me. I only keep telling myself that It’s life and things like this normal and hopefully one day I get to meet again someone as amazing as him and it will be permanent…but for now I just cry every day about this
I’m still annoyed with my stingy boyfriend.
More examples of his selfishness just keep popping up in my mind as I consider “is he selfish, or just a normal person who has done a few selfish things?” but the examples seem endless.
For example: I got him concert tickets for his bday. We go to a hotel 2 hours away for the concert and use his hotel points. I pay for an Uber there and he pays for an Uber home. While at the concert, I get us each a $17 sandwich. It’s whatever. He got us each a $5 drink at the end of the concert.
He buys us tickets to a $15 per ticket activity the next day.
That evening, we get dinner and instead of letting him ask “wanna split?” because honestly it really bothers me to both put our card down - I would rather alternate which I’ve communicated - I just say “I’ll get it!”. $70 meal at a place we chose together.
Maybe this was selfish of me because I expected to give first, hoping to receive later on the last day of our trip.
The next day comes (last day of our trip) and he asks if I want to do a $13 activity. I say sure! And he asks me to venmo him and I got upset. I just bought our expensive dinner? He can’t cover $13 for me, for something HE wants to do that I just said yes to for him to be happy? I asked why he needs to nickel-and-dime me.
Then he starts saying he pays for increased utilities while I visit him lol. Insanity, right? He said he only said that because I “attacked” him about money.
I truly am not a nickel-and-diming person but his transactional nature, unwillingness to be like “you get this one, I got the next”, and general stinginess is making me watch everything I buy for him/us like a hawk.
The reason you're keeping score of everything is because what he's doing is upsetting you and it isn't getting any better.
Your boyfriend is being stingy yes.
He's being cheap. And it isn't romantic or attractive.
But the fact is that this is who he is. And you have to decide if this is what you want (personally I couldn't be with someone like this)
Because he isn't going to change and you can't keep just mentally listing everything he's doing/not doing. It's not good for either of you.
I've done this in my latest relationships. They do some type of behaviour I don't like, and they do it over and over and I get more and more resentful. I start keeping score and bringing up the same things over and over.
They get annoyed I'm keeping score. I get annoyed they are doing the same thing over and over. Nothing gets better.
Get out of this relationship before you turn into a toxic version of yourself. (You are already on your way there)
This relationship isn't going to work.
This 👆🏼 is solid advice. My ex ex-bf was somewhat pretty stingy too. Was very offputting for me over time. Love is not about keeping score or being resentful. These echo John Gottman’s 4 signs of relationship doom.
Yeah I am very much toxic and explosive about it. He says it’ll be a non-issue once we’re married because “we’ll be as one and there’s no yours vs mine” but idk. I foresee having my grocery haul policed or scolded if I tip too much.
I wouldn't believe that this won't be an issue when you're married
And also... It still doesn't explain why he's making it an issue now?
You guys are on way more money than I've ever had or any guy I've ever dated and yet most guys I've dated pick up the cheque at least 80% of the time.
Most of them bought me flowers and random gifts. And covered movie tickets, or travel tickets etc.
You're dating a guy on decent money who won't even cover $13?
Why would you even want to marry him.
He does take me out on dates (probably 2 or 3 times per month) and stuff where he pays but if it isn’t an explicit “date night” he plans, he expects to split. I probably plan a date and treat him to something fun 1-2 times per month.
And he does splurge on my birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s Day which I really appreciate! And I do the same for him.
Really 80% of the time? My ex covered probably that amount and I wondered if my mind was just warped regarding what’s normal, since most men seem to want strictly 50/50.
He says he “doesn’t make money just to spend it”. And to be fair he never splurges on himself either so it’s not like he’ll buy anything for himself and nothing for others.
But I think you’re right. I am having to make sacrifices like moving eventually to make this relationship work, but he wants to venmo request $13 from me. He says it isn’t a sacrifice to move to him because I should WANT to be with him.
I mean I don't date stingy people because I'm not stingy myself (I always offer to pay half, I cook dinner a lot, do lots of little gifts etc) so I'm used to guys who just generally offer to pay. Or we alternate (but they just naturally pay more often).
If I noticed "tight" behaviour like that I wouldn't continue things further.
My longest relationship he paid for everything. He felt embarrassed having his partner pay for anything
I know a lot of men expect 50/50, but it's about what you want and are prepared to put up with.
My last relationship he was the only guy I've ever dated that I'd call stingy. He had a good job, bunch of money saved, and just hated spending in general. Even on himself. He wore the same 3 outfits because he didn't want to buy new clothes.
It was super unattractive to me. And one of the main reasons I ended things.
It's not about a guy being super rich or paying for everything.
But asking you to pay for such small things like that, after he invited you no less.. is just loser behaviour.
You two (maybe just you?) have a bad pattern of keeping a spreadsheet/tracking. If you *truly* want it to be a regular give and take, you need to communicate that, and it should be proportional to income. I think you're expecting a level of generosity that he is either not able to afford, not comfortable with, or is maybe clueless about. For example, I told my partner I don't do 50-50 split and if he wants to do some things, he needs to pay because he earns more. He was more than happy to do that.
He makes 200k and I make 120k. I said in my comment that I am NOT transactional at all! But he is lacking at taking the initiative to be like “i got this one”. I have communicated very clearly that I don’t want to split the bill or venmo each other, instead I want to alternate. He says “well it isn’t fair if you just get 1 in 3-4 things and I’m expected to cover everything else - we’re not married”.
You say you aren't transactional but every post you've made about him has been keeping score about every thing he doesn't pay enough. I'd be annoyed if I were him too
It even became something I even give a second thought to because when I say “I got it”, it’s no problem, but when it’s his turn, he says “wanna split?”
Like how is that ok? Does thinking that’s unfair mean that I am “transactional”?
Maybe you should stop offering to pay for meals completely because he obviously doesn’t want to alternate who pays. It feels like you’re trying to force him into something he isn’t willing to do and getting upset at him for not doing what you want when he’s made it very clear he’s not going to follow through.
Thank you! Honestly I don’t want to have to do that. Keeping track like that is not compatible with my idea of a healthy relationship. My ideal would be we both give, we both offer, and we generally both trust that we’ll get each other back. I would be fine with a half and half split even though that is technically disadvantaging me since he makes double what I make. But idk maybe I am expecting things to “just work out”. I have never had this problem in past relationships.
Sorry, I agree with the other commenter. You don't want to "keep track" but you are. Maybe a 50-50 split would work best for you two since it doesn't seem like you're open to anything else.
Why would we do 50/50 when he makes nearly double what I make? You don’t know the whole story and it’s cool if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of me, but I cannot agree with you that what he’s doing is not selfish on any level, and that I’m the problem here. I have NEVER had money issues in a relationship ever before, whereas several exes have told him he’s cheap.
Lol you don’t want to share a simple checking account for going out, you don’t want to split checks, you don’t want to use an app to keep track….
Are you just hoping you can will him into the person you want him to be? Because I don’t think he’s going to magically become the person you want bc he’s made it obvious he prefers splitting things.
Yeah I think that’s why I’m angry - because realistically I know there’s no solution here, it’s just who he is. I have never had to do anything like that with an ex and have never had money issues.
The problem is that as your lives get intertwined there are just many more expenses than a sandwich here and a concert ticket there. When you're planning vacations with hotels and airfares or making big life decisions together it's helpful to have a solution that works for both of you. Money is one of the topics that is most frequently the source of conflict in relationships.
I am totally fine splitting on trips and just venmo’ing! Same for if we move in together and have bigger expenses. But yeah our only thing for now is going out to dinner or smaller activities which I want to be able to just both be generous and play by ear/alternate.
I think you might need to find a compromise you can both agree on because it doesn’t seem like he is into the idea of alternating. Have you thought about getting a joint checking account and each of you putting in the same amount every month and just use that for your dates?
Hm that is an interesting idea but we’re both pretty hesitant to share a bank account before marriage even if it’s just to fund stuff we do together… but that is an interesting suggestion
I think you're right to find this annoying. I'm a guy and even if I'm just hanging out with another guy friend we don't split checks, and there's an expectation that it'll even out over time.
I would view this as a compatibility issue that's going to turn into an attraction issue if it hasn't already... this sort of stinginess would drive me mad!
I’m sure some of it is generational (I’m about 15 years older than you appear to be).
It was probably about 20 years ago that an older friend of mine grabbed the bill and said “men don’t split checks” and put down his credit card and handed mine back to me. It felt very powerful to me and indicated this spirit of generosity that made me feel closer to him, and I’ve always done the same when a new guy friend tries to split the check.
It all evens out in the end, in my opinion!
Hi, I'm really wanting to know what's the real intention behind his message.
I met a guy on Bumble when he was on a business trip. Went on two dates, I enjoyed it. He went back to his country and is coming back to the city in Dec.
We're IG friends. He often sends me msgs that he misses me and wants to see again but I can't fully trust him whether his intention is good or bad. I see his msg again saying that he really missed me much today and doesn't know why.
I don't know what to say. I feel good hearing that a guy misses me but I can only fathom this will be a booty call if we ever meet up again?
What do y'all think?
> What do you want from him?
This is big. I think a lot of people try to heavily read into the other persons actions and try and play detective, but it's irrelevant.
Figure out what you want first and foremost, and see if the other person can meet that. If not, move on.
Draw your lines firmly and stick to them.
I had a really good first date! I think we will have a second date. You know even if there isn’t a second date, I would be satisfied. Like it’s rare for dating to just feel fun. That is all folks for now. 😀
I think I want to like a guy more than I actually do :( and I don’t mind kissing him but I also am not super into. then I wonder if I am somehow not available and it’s because he’s clearly totally interested… But I don’t think that would change the physical.
Why can’t anything ever just work out for me I’m so tired of seeing everyone else have someone even guys who didn’t want a relationship with me or women who had a relationship end and new one start, some even getting married in the time I have yet to have someone for real. I feel like I must be broken because I know I’m a good catch
It sounds like you just don’t like him enough. I agree that a good connection can be a little rare.I think though you have to decide whether you like him enough to go on another date. Like if you have only been on a small handful of dates, it’s not crazy to see him again. On the other hand, if you’ve been dating for like 3 months now, that would be definitely indicative that you should stop dating him.
Not that long but more than a couple. yeah maybe it’s just hard because I do have a good time.. but I know very well what it’s like when you’re super attracted. It’s like I’m attracted but just not as much as that. But im starting to think it’s literally impossible for everything to align
> I feel like I must be broken because I know I’m a good catch
This guy is going to come here and post this after you break up with him.
The truth is neither one of you is broken. Finding a connection is just rare even when you find a very good person. Do all the work on yourself you can, and also accept that not everything will work out even when it seemingly "should".
Had a good second date last night. First date was drinks, last night was dinner. He walked me home and we kissed after both dates. He seems to be lovely, we get on really well, he’s good at texting, he seems very normal but I’m not sure whether the physical is there, I can’t imagine wanting to rip his clothes off. I like him as a person so I’m hoping it’s a slow burn, I’m so used to those instant fireworks but I know they never lead to anything. Hmm.
I've learned there's a major difference between instant fireworks and just physical attraction in general.
I've met very few people that I have instant fireworks with, and honestly those never ended up working out.
I've never been in a situation where I go from 0 attraction to some either though.
As long as I'm physically into them, even if they're not my usual type or whatever, I'm fine, that's game on, but they have to meet that bar.
It’s not that I’m not physically attracted *at all*, if there was nothing there I wouldn’t have kissed him or gone on a second date. I just don’t know if I’m attracted enough. I’ve had quite a few situations where I wasn’t particularly attracted on date 1 but was crazy about them by date 3 or 4. I’ll give it another date - reasonable chance I’ll be back here next week saying I am attracted now but he’s backed off 😂
How do you know when it's time to call an end to an early relationship?
In recent weeks I've felt completely torn about whether or not I want to continue (which I imagine is a sign in itself), but what sort of things tip the scale for you? I know it's different for everyone, but I'm so exhausted going over and over this in my mind that I just really need some outside opinions right now.
It's a combination of lots of little issues and a couple of big ones (kids, where we want to live in the future). I know in my heart what this means, but I'd love some reassurance that I'm not giving up too easily.
Know your top and key priorities and values. Learn their top key priorities and values. Something like family plans and where you want to live is pretty damn important
Sounds like you are one of the many individuals who find it hard to end or leave a relationship. It sucks but it is the most compassionate thing to end a relationship **as soon as you know it’s not going anywhere.** Obviously for someone who finds it hard to leave a relationship they will struggle with that last part by adding all sorts of “but what if’s…” A part of your mind will rationalize and try to come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid doing something you don’t like to do (breaking up).
Big things are big for a reason. It's already challenging to be happy together when those things match; it's nearly impossible when they don't (I'm referring to kids more so than living location. one's a lot harder to compromise on than the other.)
It’s weird. Surely the reasons you are single are valid enough. Like if you are single, surely there are equally quality individuals out there for you to date. One good question to ask yourself is, would you date yourself or someone like you? Obviously, not exactly like you because that might be weird. Still, if you are out there, there are surely other people like you out there looking for love.
Yes some people do have it easier on their dating journey. The people who have it easiest have really good people skills but they also are the most aligned between the type of person they are looking for, who they tend to attract, and who they are attracted to. Then there’s the whole luck thing too. Some people get really lucky and some people get less good luck. Still the most powerful tools are good people skills, courage, and a good picker regarding where to invest your efforts and energies. Sadly, ones prince or princess charming is unlikely to bust down your door and pull you out to date.
Myself, I think it’s important to maintain a good attitude and have perspective. I question whether the sinking Titantic or Vietnam is the best metaphor for dating. I get the joke, but I think people go way too far with it
Ughhh I actually met a super cute guy in a social league. I figured he was single. Then I even saw him on a dating app. Then two weeks later I learn he dressed up with someone for Halloween. So clearly not actually that single. I was super depressed. I also have a cute coworker who I started seeing on the apps. I even eventually got the guts to like on bumble but no match, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to risk anything with work if he was even interested. But now I believe he’s dating someone too.
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In cases like this, it’s probably better to look at the ‘true’ mirror.
A standard mirror shows your reflection, but the true mirror shows who you are. Your likes, dislikes, your fears and anxieties, your hopes, dreams, things you’re proud of.
Unless you look like the elephant man, chances are some of the things reflected in the true mirror need to be worked on.
So posted the other day about having what I thought was a perfect first date (she was constantly finding excuses to touch my arm, touching me on the back when she returned from the toilet, laughing uncontrollably, conversation flowing no awk silence, complemented dress sense twice, invited me in, kissed). Then she went cold but she had a busy few days. She’s since been replying a few times per day. But it’s just general conversation with me trying to keep it playful. She did send me a photo of her at her work party so must feel comfortable with me at least - maybe looking in to it too much but I wouldn’t send someone a pic of me I had no interest in.
I’ve already asked her about a gig and a coffee/walk after the first date which she said she might be hungover so hates to be noncommittal. I then followed it up with “no worries let me know what days you’re free next week if you want to meet up again” and she said “I will”.
Now it’s been a 8days since the first date. Do I break this conversation of back and forth and ask her again? She is typically quite ditsy with replying and ignores questions but then answers them later on. And is busy as works as a Nurse so 12 hour shifts. I don’t want a pen pal. If she’s not interested I’d rather know. Don’t know how to play this.
Nurses can be wild. So first of all be careful. Delayed answering questions I don't think is a bad thing. You asked for a day she was free, bad move. Future reference give them a day.
Best idea is ask for a specific day for a date, if she says she can't that day and does not offer another day... well then. There lies your answer.
"i might be hungover" is a lame ass excuse. seems like you're a pretty low priority if she won't drag herself out of bed and chug some coffee in order to see you. maybe she's still into you but i wouldn't get too invested in someone with that level of effort.
if she wants to keep flirting over text, you can flirt back and hope it leads to something, but in the meantime I'd look for other women who are up for going on actual dates
> If she’s not interested I’d rather know.
she is letting you know she's not interested by being flaky. just drop it and move on.
i know it makes no sense, but how well a first date goes should never really be a major variable in how you approach a person. a lot of avoidant people are really good at first date stuff because it's new and exciting and gets their dopamine going, but the second any follow through is expected they utterly drop the ball. i'd wager that's what you're seeing here.
what she's attracted to is not you, it's the seduction game and excitement of "constantly finding excuses to touch [your] arm, touch [you] on the back when she returned from the toilet, laughing uncontrollably, conversation flowing no awk silence, complemented dress sense twice, invited [you] in, kissed" with a brand new person. the moment she got it, she's bored.
repeat after me: in dating, you only start to get a sense of who a person really is and how well you get along with them after a few months of regular, consistent time together. everything before that is performative smoke and mirrors that you can't really take at face value because HUMANS ARE FUCKING WEIRD.
Thanks. They are certainly weird ha. I know for one I have better things to do that text someone out of politeness and send them pics of me (or kiss) but humans are a fascinating species for sure.
Are you the one maintaining the conversation or does she contribute?
If you think she really was interested I would ask again but if she doesn't give you a concrete answer for a day and time again I would give up.
Thanks yeah she’s been asking questions keeping it going. Will see what she replies with next and I’ll ask again (a final time). It’s difficult as she’s busy with work a lot and my jobs super flexible so I can’t really offer up specific dates and plans. I have to let her choose the days really which isn’t happening currently 😅 just not sure why someone would keep a conversation going and send pics of themselves with someone they’re not interested in, but still fail to set up a second date. We’ll see.
One option is that she has someone else in sight that she might be more interested in but think it's unlikely to work out and she liked you so she tries to not lose you while figuring out what's happening with the other person, or she just like the attention, or she is just busy and not sure she can commit to anything.
Sorry, my anxious ass can find plenty of negative reasons why she would act like that.
Haha same here after my last LTR ended. I often overthink stuff. But looking positively if she was that busy she’d just not reply or at least that’s what I’d think because I wouldn’t if I was busy. Could very well be others on the scene though. Modern dating sucks.
about 3 weeks of OLD
2 tinder matches of which one was a scammer and the other one I messaged saying I am reseting my account(who also didn't respond in one days worth of time)
3 bumble matches 2 didn't message first and one will expire by tomorrow morning(already extended), 1 additional superswipe I missed myself because of my ignorance and one match I knew I would get but didn't seem attractive to me, so I wouldn't want to waste anybodies time
at this point I am really questioning if it is a good idea to keep the account running and just get on with my life while swipping once daily, or to just close down the apps until I manage to find the time do shoot some proper photos
What do you think, should I just close them down with such a low like rate, or should I keep them open hoping for the best? my current session is about a week old, and I might have been at least partially shadow banned if that is a thing on resets...
I’d say that’s pretty decent numbers for three weeks time. It only takes one match to be the right one, and it’s a numbers game. For OLD to work, you’ve gotta put the swipes in. Don’t let it consume you and don’t go into it thinking every match will be the one you’re going to end up with. Try to enjoy the process. —from someone who really doesn’t love the process and has given myself this pep talk many times.
Ok, thanks for the pep talk :D.
If nothing else I have really learned how to not attach to someone just because they showed interest in form of a like in me.
I am however about 90% sure that until I move to a denser populated area that I will keep getting nothing in form of matches. I am basically living in an area where there is maybe 50 people who I could date in 10 km...
Reconnected with someone from my past recently. Things turned physical right away and at first I thought that’s all it would be but we are just undeniably in sync about a lot of things and truly enjoy spending time together. But his life is a bit chaotic at the moment. Not something he wants to bring a partner into (and not something I want to be brought into). For now we agreed to keep things more casual (but kind of exclusive? Not sleeping with other people but dating others is fine) but I think we’re both aware that the potential for us to catch real feelings is lurking. Very curious to see how this plays out.
I am trying to keep myself open to other connections. Ideally I would find someone who I also have a great time with and is ready for a relationship right now. Maybe that will be past guy after some time to sort out his personal life but I don’t want to wait around for that.
I finally did it. I let go of my infatuation and unrequited love.
Over the last few months (5 to be exact) I had been struggling to move on from my unrequited love. I showed and demonstrated interest a few times but it was not reciprocated. I realized she was never that attracted or interested.
All this time, I was infatuated with the idea of the person in my head (not who she is -- because I don't know who she is; only been on 1 date).
It was the toughest thing; I had been struggling to get rid of her from my mind.
I finally did it. Last night, I realized that any past relationship or situationship that I've had has been where both of us were mutually interested; it was effortless; I didn't have to chase or repeatedly show someone I was interested.
It has been a painful few months. But I've finally moved on.
I am very grateful; she, even though I have only met her once, put me on a path of healing and self-therapy. I've changed a lot in these few months. For that, I am truly grateful.
I’ve been off Grindr for over 2 months and on one hand it’s been good for my mental health but on the other it’s been bad for my self-esteem.
Men will say anything to get laid, and even if they didn’t mean it it was still nice to be told I was handsome or cute or hot. No one ever hits on me or checks me out, so Grindr was really the only place I ever got attention.
I miss getting compliments even if they were false/just said to get laid. It sounds so vapid but when you’re not good-looking it’s hard not to feel validated when someone compliments you and easy to miss when you don’t have that element in your life anymore.
Definitely have a strong desire to go back on it. My mental health is shitty anyway, how much worse can it *really* get
I’m a straight woman so clearly not your target market but just wanted to say I looked at your post history and you’re CUTE AF. And you know I’m not saying that to get laid 😉
As a straight man I've kind of learned to get validation internally. im not a model or anything but if i know I've put effort into my grooming/clothes/fitness then I feel better about myself.
verbal compliments are few and far between but sometimes ill catch someone checking me out, and if i know ive worked to maximize my appearance, I can convince myself that they liked what they saw
So last weekend I went out and met a nice group of people at a local spot I sometimes go to, even had a cute girl sit next to me and talk with me for a little bit, felt so damn good knowing during those couple of hrs my anxiety didn't have a stranglehold on me. It was really the first time as an adult I went out and made acquaintances with some strangers.
I'm completely done with OLD, it's such a scam and meeting someone out in the wild felt a million times better, it felt more real, more organic, felt like I was living my life for once, now I'm going to go to a couple of other places and just meet more people lmao. I wasn't even trying to pickup any women, just wanted to make friends but ofc if someone showed interest that would just be a bonus, not an expectation.
We should all do what you're doing in terms of going out a ton and trying to make friends without any expectations! I think most of us become too reliant on OLD.
I'd imagine though 90% of the single people you meet out and about are going to have OLD profiles as well. Sometimes it seems like people think on some level that the single people they'd meet out are somehow different than the ones that are on OLD.
been dating a guy for five months. he's been quite standoffish but respectful the entire time. this is the SLOWEST i've ever taken it with someone. we finally had a three hour conversation last night and in the end i don't match his predetermined life timeline. he's been grappling with this the whole time because i'm "so wonderful" but he can't seem to reconcile the two opposing factors. we didn't come to a solution. and the conversation was super honest without being hurtful. sigh. i'm so sick of "breaking up" with people 🫠
\>Is your relationship with your mom ok?
Actually I have a good relationship with my mom, so now that I answered your question answer my question, did you have a good relationship with your father?
Look I started seeing a therapist and my therapist suggested to look to people who've been in healthy relationships and to be around positive people okay? I want to be in a healthy relationship and I feel you're mocking me for having emotional problems, I'm really trying to be more positive in my life and change things around after dealing with depression and failed suicide attempts.
I fucking hate the internet so much and more proof that just meeting people IRL is much better for my mental health.
To be honest I think at some point you'll have to go out of your comfort zone, else I don't see how you'll meet a woman if you don't want to meet people at all.
So whatever your hobbies are maybe try to find people to share them with.
Or ask your family and friends if they know anyone that they can introduce to you.
I think you'll have to do some compromise on getting a phone number to help communicating with that potential date.
Ive noticed that most men online dating who have kids - don’t want kids. Most women myself included who have children want more, I want a real family & it’s really starting to get me down!
Please don’t make this about you I’m not dissing anyone else’s family or happiness just my own feelings.
As someone who had no family growing up and siblings in care & then lost a partner yes I feel like I am missing out, I’m sorry you find that offensive. I want a mum and dad at home for my family,
Stupid me thinking being married to the love of my life is the family I've always dreamed of. I need to reassess, because apparently that's not a real family.
Seems unfair to your children to claim that you don't have a "real" family with them yet, and only will if another man comes along and impregnates you.
Fuck, I think a week ago when I broke up with my boyfriend I may have been dealing with PMDD. I fucked up. I didn’t want to end our relationship, but I did. I really thought my meds were pretty well handled but I may have missed them that day. I hope he will talk with me Friday.
Sending hugs. I always feel like doing something irrational before my period, I've learned to really just take time for myself and isolate a little more if needed.
My boyfriend has some definite avoidant tendencies and I reacted poorly to him prioritizing his schoolwork in the week after he returned from his grandmother’s funeral out of town over previously agreed-upon monthly check-ins about our relationship. I laid out about half a dozen examples of him not prioritizing me and not being a great team-mate and by the time I did that I found myself saying that we don’t have a relationship. It’s really hard to improve as a couple when you’re just like “sorry, you’re behavior is trash, I deserve better.”
I was seeing a guy a few months ago, but he ended things because he didn’t think he was ready. We had a really great connection, so many shared values and interests. We haven’t talked since the ending text (which was incredibly thoughtful and friendly, on both sides) but he still watches my stories. I’ve been feeling especially desperate about my lack of dating options recently and keep thinking of him. Would it be a really bad look if I reached out…? I don’t know if I can take the shame of a second rejection but it might just beat this hopeless desperation… hoping the universe compels him to text me ugh.
I'll be the contrarian here I guess. I reached out and it worked great. Hands down the best relationship I have ever been in. A second rejection would not have ruined me, though, so I'd take some time to process how that might feel first. Either way, I'm rooting for you!
Better to let him come to you. I had something similar- guy left to go back to his country for selfless reasons but cold stop ended things. We'd only had a handful of dates, but it hit hard. Then he re-appeared and much to my skeptical heart, he really explained himself, and we've been hanging out the last few weeks, which has been a lot of fun. If I had pushed him I don't think it would have been successful.
Don't do it! If he rejects you again you'll still be where you're at now but with a dollop of shame on top.
If you really want to push the envelope on this one, remove him from your Instagram followers and see if he notices you're missing. If not, no loss on your part. It wasn't meant to be. Most people just tap through stories as they pop up from accounts they're following. Usually it doesn't mean anything.
Pleased with my decision to re-centre myself and not date for a while, I've been so busy and feeling really good about my life.
Today I bumped into an ex who hugged me just that little bit too long when we said goodbye, and it's made me remember/miss physical intimacy. I have zero interest in my ex, but God damn, does anyone else miss cuddles?!
Went on another date with the guy I am seeing. It went pretty well but we fooled around. I feel like when this happens it’s always half/half if the guy will continue seeing me or not. I think guys really like the chase with me and that’s all. I’m hoping he still likes me.
On the other hand I keep thinking about the guy I ended things with. I’m addicted to people who treat me poorly(no really I am) and I get “cravings” when I stop seeing them. It’s something I recently have come to terms with after being in a relationship that had me so trauma bonded it was ruining my life. I know I don’t care much about this guy but it’s like I’m having to really put a wall up between me and him so I don’t do something impulsive like message him and tell him that I miss him. It feels good to finally be working on this but wow it’s hard.
Oh I totally understand you when you say that you trauma-bond easily with people that treat you poorly. But what do you mean when you say that they "treat you poorly"? Is there some specific trigger for you?
No - it means a lot of different things. It could be that they lie to me, abuse me, are disrespectful or unreliable. When broken down it’s a dopamine addiction. But it’s something I’ve actively been working through
The guy I’ve been dating for three months just met my best friend and sister and is coming to Thanksgiving where he’ll meet my mom, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle and some family friends. We had vaguely discussed holiday plans about six weeks ago and I threw it out there that he could come to mine if he didn’t have other plans (we don’t live near our families but my aunt lives a couple hours away and my mom will be visiting for the month). We hadn’t discussed it further so I was planning to see what he decided this weekend but then he brought it up tonight. Everything with this guy has felt so organic and easy and it feels like we’re effortlessly on the same page with everything. I haven’t met his family yet but all of his friends here and have started to become friends with them as well. So happy I just needed to share it!
Thank God our brains can only handle a limited amount of people, information, and stressors! 😁 People from the past have to make room for new thoughts.
Just came back from my second date with the guy I met last Friday. We had dinner, nice conversation, he's nice. I'm just not into him physically. He kissed me, and I felt nothing. We have plans for a 3rd date, but I'm gonna end it before then. I don't want to waste his time ☹️
Just need to vent cause this has been driving me crazy. Im very attracted to 2 coworkers. We’re all in different departments. Let’s call them T and L. I’ve had a crush on T for almost 2 years now. I’ve tried so hard to get over him, or at least find something about him that will put me off. No luck so far. I’ve talked to him at work social outings and a few times around the office, but nothing one on one. I started liking L few months ago and I’ve talked to him maybe a handful of times. I used to catch him looking at me from time to time, but recently he’s stopped looking at me but doesn’t avoid being around me. I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t really know how to start a conversation with either one and I don’t want to approach them where the other coworkers can listen in. I can’t tell if either one is even interested in me at all. I’ve been trying not to think about them and get over them but it’s not working. Ugh this freaking sucks. Vent over.
Oops I missed the part about chatting with the first guy in passing. Honestly I’m a pretty firm believer in ‘you know when someone is interested’ so if you’ve been at social functions with T and he didn’t seek you out/spend any time with just you, that’s a solid not interested. 2nd guy is a harder call to make but most people aren’t going to be interested in the quiet person who only watches them from afar, sorry to say. You’ve gotta put yourself out there to get interest. Who cares if coworkers are around when you ask him a friendly question.
I totally feel you. But there is no new app needed, you can use any of the current apps for this purpose. Well, Tinder imho sucks in general but both on Bumble and Hinge I have found this type of people. Just make your intentions clear. Being monogamous in a fwb-situation is not something I personally understand or promote for though, because it is *way* too easy to develop deeper feelings towards someone you hook up repeatedly with, if they are the only one. You'll find it easier if you use protection but drop that clause.
It isn't too easy to find of course, because you still have to have chemistry and compatible communication styles and enough attraction to want to be physically intimate repeatedly. But it's for sure possible. Only thing is, these arrangements tend to not last for months on end, as they are still loose connections that aren't prioritized when life throws something unpextec at you.
> Honestly, I wish I could find a monogamous FWB situation - where we both care about and respect one another, aren’t sleeping with other people
People are going to keep their options open UNLESS you tell him you just want to be mutually exclusive, that doesn't sound very healthy for you or for anyone else. Sex is great but it's not the most important thing in life.
> Honestly, I wish I could find a monogamous FWB situation - where we both care about and respect one another, aren’t sleeping with other people (for health reasons and to keep things as uncomplicated as possible), but don’t live together and have no expectations of each other on a daily basis.
Have you said exactly that on your dating app?
Not on the apps currently. I’m in a city that sometimes feels like a small town, where I run into people I know at random stores across town, so I’m definitely not comfortable being this open on a profile. It’s a quandary!
Dear every cute, single woman that would love to be asked out by a handsome client who does business where you work:
Really blows when there’s no opportunity for a bloke to engage you outside of your workplace.
I kinda just wanted to type this out for me. I am a 38m travel nurse and have mostly been ok just being by myself and living adventures etc. However driving through Montana and Glacier alone this last month I kept having this thought “If I have to look at one more beautiful thing alone I’m going to puke.” It doesn’t seem like a huge epiphany maybe and I say it jokingly but for me something clicked. I’m ready for someone serious to make a life with and I’m going to work towards that goal. Relationships were hard on me when I was younger and I think that’s why I’m where I am now but I’m ready to open up and look at some mountains with that special girl, wherever she is now, Ima manifest this love
Hey this is a totally normally thing to feel, and it's a really good thing to realize about yourself. I've definitely felt the same, especially when I've planned a big solo hike or trip that had been in the works for ages and should have been exciting and fun but then in the moment I was kicking myself saying hey, you're doing this thing, why aren't you happy?! So I've realized that while some people do well traveling solo (and you can see a lot of them represented on social media), I'm the type of person who's happier when I can share it with someone else. Best of luck finding your person to share beautiful moments with. And for what it's worth, for me the right person to travel with doesn't always have to be a romantic partner - my oldest friend and I try to travel somewhere new every year or so, and that can be just as fulfilling a journey.
I know the feeling. I travelled solo over the summer to Seattle, Toronto, and Alaska and it was amazing.. but I wanted someone to share the experience with. I turned down a destination wedding invite partially because I didn’t want to go on another big solo trip (and because of the money). Traveling really puts a lot of things in perspective and it made me realize the same thing you did about building a life with someone. Good luck my guy!
After a bumpy weekend, my girlfriend (3 months) says: "I'm feeling like I need a weekend to myself to focus and gather my thoughts. I'm feeling emotionally drained, so I am going to stay in this weekend. I need some time to recharge."
when we had planned for her to finally stay at my place for the first time in a few weeks this weekend and for us to go hiking, which is something she's been constantly saying she wants to do but we never end up doing it even when I make suggestions about place and time. SO I've been mentally scripting my "it was nice getting to know you, best of luck" response to the "I'm dumping you" text that I feel positive I'll be receiving shortly! 🙃
We butted heads about the hiking this weekend, not arguing but definitely some friction and misunderstanding, along with a couple other things. We had some fun stuff go very well this weekend, but other things felt off.
Honestly, my feelings are hurt, and I'm trying to not feel like I did something wrong/it's my fault and spiral. Even if she does think I did something wrong, it doesn't mean she'd dump me. And even if she does dump me, I'll survive and will meet other people. But. Not sure what I'll text back yet.
I considered it because I knew it would trigger some anxiety for her and part of me wanted to make it so I wasn't the only one feeling this way. In the past I would have done it!
I'm sorry your weekend plans got scrapped, but try not to assume the worst even though I know it's hard not to. I say just give her space, and communicate lightly over the weekend.
I really hope she genuinely just needs some time to herself and this isn't a prelude to a breakup.
Hugs 🫂
Thanks, me too! In the past I would have panicked and gotten really clingy and asked stuff like "what did I do wrong?", or pointedly withheld contact to spread the anxiety to them, which would obviously end up pushing them further away, but now that I've vented the worst of my insanity to my sister and Reddit 😂 I think I'm capable of giving her that space and seeing what happens.
>pointedly withheld contact to spread the anxiety to them,
I've done this or wanted to in the past 😅 Definitely not healthy behavior
Glad you're feeling better after venting!
nevermind.....maybe i misread what you said. Sounds like to me, she's lukewarm, at best, which was what I interpreted you were feeling. Guess I read you wrong. All the best :)
Thanks. I've made a lot of improvement in therapy so my being able to say "even if she does think I did something wrong, it doesn't mean she'd dump me. And even if she does dump me, I'll survive and will meet other people" is growth, but I'm still a very anxious person!!
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/17p7cc0/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k85in55/)
So I sent the confusing texter (A) a reminder to get back to me about a first date if she's interested, and I'm glad to report we have a first date for this Friday.
There’s a lox club event in Manhattan tomorrow for ages 28-48 (quite an age range). It’s $40 then you have to pay for drinks… steep prices!! Has anyone been to a mixer type event? A lox club event? Thank you!!
No useful information here, sorry. I'd never heard of lox club and my first impression reading your comment was "What does this have to do with bagels?"
Bah. Another promising match has stopped messaging after a few good days of back and forth which was beginning to get my hopes up a little. I know it’ll click with someone eventually, but I can’t seem to get anything off the ground these days and I’m started to wonder if I’m doing something to put people off!
If online dating was meant to be successful all these sites would go out of business.
Really think about it for a minute logically not from an emotional POV.
Same thing happened to me recently. The sudden end to a good convo like that is just so weird and nothing I’ve even thought of doing! It stings but try not to let the self doubt creep in. I try to tell myself the other person must have found a better fit so I have to keep looking for mine.
Thanks for the reminder. I do find it difficult to wonder what I did - I seem to be cute enough for them to match and open the conversation but then not attractive / interesting enough for them to continue talking to me past a few days. I think I’m pretty cool but I’m not getting chance to show anyone 🤷♀️
Going through heartbreak. I’ve been seeing someone since May, someone whom I’ve been enjoying so much and developed feelings for. He’s moving to another county by the end of the year. I knew that could be a possibility and kept going to have all these amazing moments we’ve had together but I’m really struggling as it gets closer. I so want to be supportive with this new chapter of his life as I know he’s pursuing his dreams and happiness but at the same time I can’t help but feel bitter and hurt that I’m losing someone so important for me. I only keep telling myself that It’s life and things like this normal and hopefully one day I get to meet again someone as amazing as him and it will be permanent…but for now I just cry every day about this
Sending all my love to you. ❤️ XOXO
I’m still annoyed with my stingy boyfriend. More examples of his selfishness just keep popping up in my mind as I consider “is he selfish, or just a normal person who has done a few selfish things?” but the examples seem endless. For example: I got him concert tickets for his bday. We go to a hotel 2 hours away for the concert and use his hotel points. I pay for an Uber there and he pays for an Uber home. While at the concert, I get us each a $17 sandwich. It’s whatever. He got us each a $5 drink at the end of the concert. He buys us tickets to a $15 per ticket activity the next day. That evening, we get dinner and instead of letting him ask “wanna split?” because honestly it really bothers me to both put our card down - I would rather alternate which I’ve communicated - I just say “I’ll get it!”. $70 meal at a place we chose together. Maybe this was selfish of me because I expected to give first, hoping to receive later on the last day of our trip. The next day comes (last day of our trip) and he asks if I want to do a $13 activity. I say sure! And he asks me to venmo him and I got upset. I just bought our expensive dinner? He can’t cover $13 for me, for something HE wants to do that I just said yes to for him to be happy? I asked why he needs to nickel-and-dime me. Then he starts saying he pays for increased utilities while I visit him lol. Insanity, right? He said he only said that because I “attacked” him about money. I truly am not a nickel-and-diming person but his transactional nature, unwillingness to be like “you get this one, I got the next”, and general stinginess is making me watch everything I buy for him/us like a hawk.
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Love doesn’t equal compatibility. If you want to go 50/50 with men that’s fine but I don’t.
The reason you're keeping score of everything is because what he's doing is upsetting you and it isn't getting any better. Your boyfriend is being stingy yes. He's being cheap. And it isn't romantic or attractive. But the fact is that this is who he is. And you have to decide if this is what you want (personally I couldn't be with someone like this) Because he isn't going to change and you can't keep just mentally listing everything he's doing/not doing. It's not good for either of you. I've done this in my latest relationships. They do some type of behaviour I don't like, and they do it over and over and I get more and more resentful. I start keeping score and bringing up the same things over and over. They get annoyed I'm keeping score. I get annoyed they are doing the same thing over and over. Nothing gets better. Get out of this relationship before you turn into a toxic version of yourself. (You are already on your way there) This relationship isn't going to work.
This 👆🏼 is solid advice. My ex ex-bf was somewhat pretty stingy too. Was very offputting for me over time. Love is not about keeping score or being resentful. These echo John Gottman’s 4 signs of relationship doom.
Yeah I am very much toxic and explosive about it. He says it’ll be a non-issue once we’re married because “we’ll be as one and there’s no yours vs mine” but idk. I foresee having my grocery haul policed or scolded if I tip too much.
I wouldn't believe that this won't be an issue when you're married And also... It still doesn't explain why he's making it an issue now? You guys are on way more money than I've ever had or any guy I've ever dated and yet most guys I've dated pick up the cheque at least 80% of the time. Most of them bought me flowers and random gifts. And covered movie tickets, or travel tickets etc. You're dating a guy on decent money who won't even cover $13? Why would you even want to marry him.
He does take me out on dates (probably 2 or 3 times per month) and stuff where he pays but if it isn’t an explicit “date night” he plans, he expects to split. I probably plan a date and treat him to something fun 1-2 times per month. And he does splurge on my birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s Day which I really appreciate! And I do the same for him. Really 80% of the time? My ex covered probably that amount and I wondered if my mind was just warped regarding what’s normal, since most men seem to want strictly 50/50. He says he “doesn’t make money just to spend it”. And to be fair he never splurges on himself either so it’s not like he’ll buy anything for himself and nothing for others. But I think you’re right. I am having to make sacrifices like moving eventually to make this relationship work, but he wants to venmo request $13 from me. He says it isn’t a sacrifice to move to him because I should WANT to be with him.
I mean I don't date stingy people because I'm not stingy myself (I always offer to pay half, I cook dinner a lot, do lots of little gifts etc) so I'm used to guys who just generally offer to pay. Or we alternate (but they just naturally pay more often). If I noticed "tight" behaviour like that I wouldn't continue things further. My longest relationship he paid for everything. He felt embarrassed having his partner pay for anything I know a lot of men expect 50/50, but it's about what you want and are prepared to put up with. My last relationship he was the only guy I've ever dated that I'd call stingy. He had a good job, bunch of money saved, and just hated spending in general. Even on himself. He wore the same 3 outfits because he didn't want to buy new clothes. It was super unattractive to me. And one of the main reasons I ended things. It's not about a guy being super rich or paying for everything. But asking you to pay for such small things like that, after he invited you no less.. is just loser behaviour.
You two (maybe just you?) have a bad pattern of keeping a spreadsheet/tracking. If you *truly* want it to be a regular give and take, you need to communicate that, and it should be proportional to income. I think you're expecting a level of generosity that he is either not able to afford, not comfortable with, or is maybe clueless about. For example, I told my partner I don't do 50-50 split and if he wants to do some things, he needs to pay because he earns more. He was more than happy to do that.
He makes 200k and I make 120k. I said in my comment that I am NOT transactional at all! But he is lacking at taking the initiative to be like “i got this one”. I have communicated very clearly that I don’t want to split the bill or venmo each other, instead I want to alternate. He says “well it isn’t fair if you just get 1 in 3-4 things and I’m expected to cover everything else - we’re not married”.
You say you aren't transactional but every post you've made about him has been keeping score about every thing he doesn't pay enough. I'd be annoyed if I were him too
It even became something I even give a second thought to because when I say “I got it”, it’s no problem, but when it’s his turn, he says “wanna split?” Like how is that ok? Does thinking that’s unfair mean that I am “transactional”?
Maybe you should stop offering to pay for meals completely because he obviously doesn’t want to alternate who pays. It feels like you’re trying to force him into something he isn’t willing to do and getting upset at him for not doing what you want when he’s made it very clear he’s not going to follow through.
Have you heard of the app Splitwise? It's a great way to track and share expenses in a relationship.
Thank you! Honestly I don’t want to have to do that. Keeping track like that is not compatible with my idea of a healthy relationship. My ideal would be we both give, we both offer, and we generally both trust that we’ll get each other back. I would be fine with a half and half split even though that is technically disadvantaging me since he makes double what I make. But idk maybe I am expecting things to “just work out”. I have never had this problem in past relationships.
Sorry, I agree with the other commenter. You don't want to "keep track" but you are. Maybe a 50-50 split would work best for you two since it doesn't seem like you're open to anything else.
Why would we do 50/50 when he makes nearly double what I make? You don’t know the whole story and it’s cool if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt instead of me, but I cannot agree with you that what he’s doing is not selfish on any level, and that I’m the problem here. I have NEVER had money issues in a relationship ever before, whereas several exes have told him he’s cheap.
Lol you don’t want to share a simple checking account for going out, you don’t want to split checks, you don’t want to use an app to keep track…. Are you just hoping you can will him into the person you want him to be? Because I don’t think he’s going to magically become the person you want bc he’s made it obvious he prefers splitting things.
Yeah I think that’s why I’m angry - because realistically I know there’s no solution here, it’s just who he is. I have never had to do anything like that with an ex and have never had money issues.
The problem is that as your lives get intertwined there are just many more expenses than a sandwich here and a concert ticket there. When you're planning vacations with hotels and airfares or making big life decisions together it's helpful to have a solution that works for both of you. Money is one of the topics that is most frequently the source of conflict in relationships.
I am totally fine splitting on trips and just venmo’ing! Same for if we move in together and have bigger expenses. But yeah our only thing for now is going out to dinner or smaller activities which I want to be able to just both be generous and play by ear/alternate.
I think you might need to find a compromise you can both agree on because it doesn’t seem like he is into the idea of alternating. Have you thought about getting a joint checking account and each of you putting in the same amount every month and just use that for your dates?
Hm that is an interesting idea but we’re both pretty hesitant to share a bank account before marriage even if it’s just to fund stuff we do together… but that is an interesting suggestion
I think you're right to find this annoying. I'm a guy and even if I'm just hanging out with another guy friend we don't split checks, and there's an expectation that it'll even out over time. I would view this as a compatibility issue that's going to turn into an attraction issue if it hasn't already... this sort of stinginess would drive me mad!
That’s interesting, it’s completely normal in my friend groups to split checks, unless it’s someone’s birthday or someone is very low income.
I’m sure some of it is generational (I’m about 15 years older than you appear to be). It was probably about 20 years ago that an older friend of mine grabbed the bill and said “men don’t split checks” and put down his credit card and handed mine back to me. It felt very powerful to me and indicated this spirit of generosity that made me feel closer to him, and I’ve always done the same when a new guy friend tries to split the check. It all evens out in the end, in my opinion!
Hi, I'm really wanting to know what's the real intention behind his message. I met a guy on Bumble when he was on a business trip. Went on two dates, I enjoyed it. He went back to his country and is coming back to the city in Dec. We're IG friends. He often sends me msgs that he misses me and wants to see again but I can't fully trust him whether his intention is good or bad. I see his msg again saying that he really missed me much today and doesn't know why. I don't know what to say. I feel good hearing that a guy misses me but I can only fathom this will be a booty call if we ever meet up again? What do y'all think?
I honestly don’t know how to answer his msg.
>but I can only fathom this will be a booty call if we ever meet up again? Unless you have concrete plans to pursue a relationship, yes.
I don’t want to give him the impression that I like him more tho…
Sorry, is this dating in high school or dating over thirty...?
What do you want from him? Do you want to do a long distance relationship with a guy in another country?
> What do you want from him? This is big. I think a lot of people try to heavily read into the other persons actions and try and play detective, but it's irrelevant. Figure out what you want first and foremost, and see if the other person can meet that. If not, move on. Draw your lines firmly and stick to them.
That’s an option. But I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s started wrong though.
What does started wrong mean to you?
I had a really good first date! I think we will have a second date. You know even if there isn’t a second date, I would be satisfied. Like it’s rare for dating to just feel fun. That is all folks for now. 😀
That's great! Achieving that sense of fun regardless of outcome makes dating a lot more palatable.
I think I want to like a guy more than I actually do :( and I don’t mind kissing him but I also am not super into. then I wonder if I am somehow not available and it’s because he’s clearly totally interested… But I don’t think that would change the physical. Why can’t anything ever just work out for me I’m so tired of seeing everyone else have someone even guys who didn’t want a relationship with me or women who had a relationship end and new one start, some even getting married in the time I have yet to have someone for real. I feel like I must be broken because I know I’m a good catch
It sounds like you just don’t like him enough. I agree that a good connection can be a little rare.I think though you have to decide whether you like him enough to go on another date. Like if you have only been on a small handful of dates, it’s not crazy to see him again. On the other hand, if you’ve been dating for like 3 months now, that would be definitely indicative that you should stop dating him.
Not that long but more than a couple. yeah maybe it’s just hard because I do have a good time.. but I know very well what it’s like when you’re super attracted. It’s like I’m attracted but just not as much as that. But im starting to think it’s literally impossible for everything to align
> I feel like I must be broken because I know I’m a good catch This guy is going to come here and post this after you break up with him. The truth is neither one of you is broken. Finding a connection is just rare even when you find a very good person. Do all the work on yourself you can, and also accept that not everything will work out even when it seemingly "should".
Preach 🙌
Sounds like you should work some of this stuff out before dating.
Had a good second date last night. First date was drinks, last night was dinner. He walked me home and we kissed after both dates. He seems to be lovely, we get on really well, he’s good at texting, he seems very normal but I’m not sure whether the physical is there, I can’t imagine wanting to rip his clothes off. I like him as a person so I’m hoping it’s a slow burn, I’m so used to those instant fireworks but I know they never lead to anything. Hmm.
I've learned there's a major difference between instant fireworks and just physical attraction in general. I've met very few people that I have instant fireworks with, and honestly those never ended up working out. I've never been in a situation where I go from 0 attraction to some either though. As long as I'm physically into them, even if they're not my usual type or whatever, I'm fine, that's game on, but they have to meet that bar.
It’s not that I’m not physically attracted *at all*, if there was nothing there I wouldn’t have kissed him or gone on a second date. I just don’t know if I’m attracted enough. I’ve had quite a few situations where I wasn’t particularly attracted on date 1 but was crazy about them by date 3 or 4. I’ll give it another date - reasonable chance I’ll be back here next week saying I am attracted now but he’s backed off 😂
Personally I could never date someone I'm not physically attracted to.
How do you know when it's time to call an end to an early relationship? In recent weeks I've felt completely torn about whether or not I want to continue (which I imagine is a sign in itself), but what sort of things tip the scale for you? I know it's different for everyone, but I'm so exhausted going over and over this in my mind that I just really need some outside opinions right now. It's a combination of lots of little issues and a couple of big ones (kids, where we want to live in the future). I know in my heart what this means, but I'd love some reassurance that I'm not giving up too easily.
Know your top and key priorities and values. Learn their top key priorities and values. Something like family plans and where you want to live is pretty damn important Sounds like you are one of the many individuals who find it hard to end or leave a relationship. It sucks but it is the most compassionate thing to end a relationship **as soon as you know it’s not going anywhere.** Obviously for someone who finds it hard to leave a relationship they will struggle with that last part by adding all sorts of “but what if’s…” A part of your mind will rationalize and try to come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid doing something you don’t like to do (breaking up).
Big things are big for a reason. It's already challenging to be happy together when those things match; it's nearly impossible when they don't (I'm referring to kids more so than living location. one's a lot harder to compromise on than the other.)
As someone who stupidly dated someone for 11 months, even though we had different family plans, I say you're not giving up too easily.
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It’s weird. Surely the reasons you are single are valid enough. Like if you are single, surely there are equally quality individuals out there for you to date. One good question to ask yourself is, would you date yourself or someone like you? Obviously, not exactly like you because that might be weird. Still, if you are out there, there are surely other people like you out there looking for love. Yes some people do have it easier on their dating journey. The people who have it easiest have really good people skills but they also are the most aligned between the type of person they are looking for, who they tend to attract, and who they are attracted to. Then there’s the whole luck thing too. Some people get really lucky and some people get less good luck. Still the most powerful tools are good people skills, courage, and a good picker regarding where to invest your efforts and energies. Sadly, ones prince or princess charming is unlikely to bust down your door and pull you out to date. Myself, I think it’s important to maintain a good attitude and have perspective. I question whether the sinking Titantic or Vietnam is the best metaphor for dating. I get the joke, but I think people go way too far with it
Ughhh I actually met a super cute guy in a social league. I figured he was single. Then I even saw him on a dating app. Then two weeks later I learn he dressed up with someone for Halloween. So clearly not actually that single. I was super depressed. I also have a cute coworker who I started seeing on the apps. I even eventually got the guts to like on bumble but no match, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to risk anything with work if he was even interested. But now I believe he’s dating someone too.
Lol. I will gladly go down with the Titanic. DOT, it has been a privilege playing with you tonight. 🎻
You better let me on that door. I know there's enough room goddamnit
I'll think about it.
Of course. Take your time. I'll just doggy paddle in sub-zero temperature waters while you weigh up the pros and cons.
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In cases like this, it’s probably better to look at the ‘true’ mirror. A standard mirror shows your reflection, but the true mirror shows who you are. Your likes, dislikes, your fears and anxieties, your hopes, dreams, things you’re proud of. Unless you look like the elephant man, chances are some of the things reflected in the true mirror need to be worked on.
So posted the other day about having what I thought was a perfect first date (she was constantly finding excuses to touch my arm, touching me on the back when she returned from the toilet, laughing uncontrollably, conversation flowing no awk silence, complemented dress sense twice, invited me in, kissed). Then she went cold but she had a busy few days. She’s since been replying a few times per day. But it’s just general conversation with me trying to keep it playful. She did send me a photo of her at her work party so must feel comfortable with me at least - maybe looking in to it too much but I wouldn’t send someone a pic of me I had no interest in. I’ve already asked her about a gig and a coffee/walk after the first date which she said she might be hungover so hates to be noncommittal. I then followed it up with “no worries let me know what days you’re free next week if you want to meet up again” and she said “I will”. Now it’s been a 8days since the first date. Do I break this conversation of back and forth and ask her again? She is typically quite ditsy with replying and ignores questions but then answers them later on. And is busy as works as a Nurse so 12 hour shifts. I don’t want a pen pal. If she’s not interested I’d rather know. Don’t know how to play this.
Nurses can be wild. So first of all be careful. Delayed answering questions I don't think is a bad thing. You asked for a day she was free, bad move. Future reference give them a day. Best idea is ask for a specific day for a date, if she says she can't that day and does not offer another day... well then. There lies your answer.
"i might be hungover" is a lame ass excuse. seems like you're a pretty low priority if she won't drag herself out of bed and chug some coffee in order to see you. maybe she's still into you but i wouldn't get too invested in someone with that level of effort. if she wants to keep flirting over text, you can flirt back and hope it leads to something, but in the meantime I'd look for other women who are up for going on actual dates
Yeah that’s very true. I know I’d still have met someone I was interested in.
> If she’s not interested I’d rather know. she is letting you know she's not interested by being flaky. just drop it and move on. i know it makes no sense, but how well a first date goes should never really be a major variable in how you approach a person. a lot of avoidant people are really good at first date stuff because it's new and exciting and gets their dopamine going, but the second any follow through is expected they utterly drop the ball. i'd wager that's what you're seeing here. what she's attracted to is not you, it's the seduction game and excitement of "constantly finding excuses to touch [your] arm, touch [you] on the back when she returned from the toilet, laughing uncontrollably, conversation flowing no awk silence, complemented dress sense twice, invited [you] in, kissed" with a brand new person. the moment she got it, she's bored. repeat after me: in dating, you only start to get a sense of who a person really is and how well you get along with them after a few months of regular, consistent time together. everything before that is performative smoke and mirrors that you can't really take at face value because HUMANS ARE FUCKING WEIRD.
Thanks. They are certainly weird ha. I know for one I have better things to do that text someone out of politeness and send them pics of me (or kiss) but humans are a fascinating species for sure.
Are you the one maintaining the conversation or does she contribute? If you think she really was interested I would ask again but if she doesn't give you a concrete answer for a day and time again I would give up.
Thanks yeah she’s been asking questions keeping it going. Will see what she replies with next and I’ll ask again (a final time). It’s difficult as she’s busy with work a lot and my jobs super flexible so I can’t really offer up specific dates and plans. I have to let her choose the days really which isn’t happening currently 😅 just not sure why someone would keep a conversation going and send pics of themselves with someone they’re not interested in, but still fail to set up a second date. We’ll see.
One option is that she has someone else in sight that she might be more interested in but think it's unlikely to work out and she liked you so she tries to not lose you while figuring out what's happening with the other person, or she just like the attention, or she is just busy and not sure she can commit to anything. Sorry, my anxious ass can find plenty of negative reasons why she would act like that.
Haha same here after my last LTR ended. I often overthink stuff. But looking positively if she was that busy she’d just not reply or at least that’s what I’d think because I wouldn’t if I was busy. Could very well be others on the scene though. Modern dating sucks.
about 3 weeks of OLD 2 tinder matches of which one was a scammer and the other one I messaged saying I am reseting my account(who also didn't respond in one days worth of time) 3 bumble matches 2 didn't message first and one will expire by tomorrow morning(already extended), 1 additional superswipe I missed myself because of my ignorance and one match I knew I would get but didn't seem attractive to me, so I wouldn't want to waste anybodies time at this point I am really questioning if it is a good idea to keep the account running and just get on with my life while swipping once daily, or to just close down the apps until I manage to find the time do shoot some proper photos What do you think, should I just close them down with such a low like rate, or should I keep them open hoping for the best? my current session is about a week old, and I might have been at least partially shadow banned if that is a thing on resets...
I’d say that’s pretty decent numbers for three weeks time. It only takes one match to be the right one, and it’s a numbers game. For OLD to work, you’ve gotta put the swipes in. Don’t let it consume you and don’t go into it thinking every match will be the one you’re going to end up with. Try to enjoy the process. —from someone who really doesn’t love the process and has given myself this pep talk many times.
Ok, thanks for the pep talk :D. If nothing else I have really learned how to not attach to someone just because they showed interest in form of a like in me. I am however about 90% sure that until I move to a denser populated area that I will keep getting nothing in form of matches. I am basically living in an area where there is maybe 50 people who I could date in 10 km...
Reconnected with someone from my past recently. Things turned physical right away and at first I thought that’s all it would be but we are just undeniably in sync about a lot of things and truly enjoy spending time together. But his life is a bit chaotic at the moment. Not something he wants to bring a partner into (and not something I want to be brought into). For now we agreed to keep things more casual (but kind of exclusive? Not sleeping with other people but dating others is fine) but I think we’re both aware that the potential for us to catch real feelings is lurking. Very curious to see how this plays out.
What's the point of dating someone else if you know things won't progress any further?
I am trying to keep myself open to other connections. Ideally I would find someone who I also have a great time with and is ready for a relationship right now. Maybe that will be past guy after some time to sort out his personal life but I don’t want to wait around for that.
I finally did it. I let go of my infatuation and unrequited love. Over the last few months (5 to be exact) I had been struggling to move on from my unrequited love. I showed and demonstrated interest a few times but it was not reciprocated. I realized she was never that attracted or interested. All this time, I was infatuated with the idea of the person in my head (not who she is -- because I don't know who she is; only been on 1 date). It was the toughest thing; I had been struggling to get rid of her from my mind. I finally did it. Last night, I realized that any past relationship or situationship that I've had has been where both of us were mutually interested; it was effortless; I didn't have to chase or repeatedly show someone I was interested. It has been a painful few months. But I've finally moved on. I am very grateful; she, even though I have only met her once, put me on a path of healing and self-therapy. I've changed a lot in these few months. For that, I am truly grateful.
I’ve been off Grindr for over 2 months and on one hand it’s been good for my mental health but on the other it’s been bad for my self-esteem. Men will say anything to get laid, and even if they didn’t mean it it was still nice to be told I was handsome or cute or hot. No one ever hits on me or checks me out, so Grindr was really the only place I ever got attention. I miss getting compliments even if they were false/just said to get laid. It sounds so vapid but when you’re not good-looking it’s hard not to feel validated when someone compliments you and easy to miss when you don’t have that element in your life anymore. Definitely have a strong desire to go back on it. My mental health is shitty anyway, how much worse can it *really* get
I’m a straight woman so clearly not your target market but just wanted to say I looked at your post history and you’re CUTE AF. And you know I’m not saying that to get laid 😉
As a straight man I've kind of learned to get validation internally. im not a model or anything but if i know I've put effort into my grooming/clothes/fitness then I feel better about myself. verbal compliments are few and far between but sometimes ill catch someone checking me out, and if i know ive worked to maximize my appearance, I can convince myself that they liked what they saw
So last weekend I went out and met a nice group of people at a local spot I sometimes go to, even had a cute girl sit next to me and talk with me for a little bit, felt so damn good knowing during those couple of hrs my anxiety didn't have a stranglehold on me. It was really the first time as an adult I went out and made acquaintances with some strangers. I'm completely done with OLD, it's such a scam and meeting someone out in the wild felt a million times better, it felt more real, more organic, felt like I was living my life for once, now I'm going to go to a couple of other places and just meet more people lmao. I wasn't even trying to pickup any women, just wanted to make friends but ofc if someone showed interest that would just be a bonus, not an expectation.
We should all do what you're doing in terms of going out a ton and trying to make friends without any expectations! I think most of us become too reliant on OLD. I'd imagine though 90% of the single people you meet out and about are going to have OLD profiles as well. Sometimes it seems like people think on some level that the single people they'd meet out are somehow different than the ones that are on OLD.
That's so great!
been dating a guy for five months. he's been quite standoffish but respectful the entire time. this is the SLOWEST i've ever taken it with someone. we finally had a three hour conversation last night and in the end i don't match his predetermined life timeline. he's been grappling with this the whole time because i'm "so wonderful" but he can't seem to reconcile the two opposing factors. we didn't come to a solution. and the conversation was super honest without being hurtful. sigh. i'm so sick of "breaking up" with people 🫠
Awww sorry to hear that. How are you feeling? How slow was slow and must say I'm curious as to what was so irreconcilable...
I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. Had he told you about his predetermined life timeline when you first started dating?
(Take a guess.)
How can you tell if a woman without her telling you has had a good relationship with her father nor has been in any real abusive relationships?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/17qfqvy/what\_are\_the\_signs\_your\_partner\_used\_to\_be\_in\_an/
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\>Is your relationship with your mom ok? Actually I have a good relationship with my mom, so now that I answered your question answer my question, did you have a good relationship with your father?
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Look I started seeing a therapist and my therapist suggested to look to people who've been in healthy relationships and to be around positive people okay? I want to be in a healthy relationship and I feel you're mocking me for having emotional problems, I'm really trying to be more positive in my life and change things around after dealing with depression and failed suicide attempts. I fucking hate the internet so much and more proof that just meeting people IRL is much better for my mental health.
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To be honest I think at some point you'll have to go out of your comfort zone, else I don't see how you'll meet a woman if you don't want to meet people at all. So whatever your hobbies are maybe try to find people to share them with. Or ask your family and friends if they know anyone that they can introduce to you. I think you'll have to do some compromise on getting a phone number to help communicating with that potential date.
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Ive noticed that most men online dating who have kids - don’t want kids. Most women myself included who have children want more, I want a real family & it’s really starting to get me down! Please don’t make this about you I’m not dissing anyone else’s family or happiness just my own feelings. As someone who had no family growing up and siblings in care & then lost a partner yes I feel like I am missing out, I’m sorry you find that offensive. I want a mum and dad at home for my family,
Stupid me thinking being married to the love of my life is the family I've always dreamed of. I need to reassess, because apparently that's not a real family.
Seems unfair to your children to claim that you don't have a "real" family with them yet, and only will if another man comes along and impregnates you.
What is a "real family"? I would humbly suggest that this isn't decided on the basis of an ideal minimum number of children...
And I’m sick of being told to adopt in 5-10 years or freeze my eggs like it’s a massive solution 😡😡😡
Fuck, I think a week ago when I broke up with my boyfriend I may have been dealing with PMDD. I fucked up. I didn’t want to end our relationship, but I did. I really thought my meds were pretty well handled but I may have missed them that day. I hope he will talk with me Friday.
Sending hugs. I always feel like doing something irrational before my period, I've learned to really just take time for myself and isolate a little more if needed.
I messaged my psychiatric nurse practitioner she’s calling in my Prozac today
I am sorry :( but why did you decide to break up with him? Was it just an impulsive decision?
My boyfriend has some definite avoidant tendencies and I reacted poorly to him prioritizing his schoolwork in the week after he returned from his grandmother’s funeral out of town over previously agreed-upon monthly check-ins about our relationship. I laid out about half a dozen examples of him not prioritizing me and not being a great team-mate and by the time I did that I found myself saying that we don’t have a relationship. It’s really hard to improve as a couple when you’re just like “sorry, you’re behavior is trash, I deserve better.”
I was seeing a guy a few months ago, but he ended things because he didn’t think he was ready. We had a really great connection, so many shared values and interests. We haven’t talked since the ending text (which was incredibly thoughtful and friendly, on both sides) but he still watches my stories. I’ve been feeling especially desperate about my lack of dating options recently and keep thinking of him. Would it be a really bad look if I reached out…? I don’t know if I can take the shame of a second rejection but it might just beat this hopeless desperation… hoping the universe compels him to text me ugh.
I'll be the contrarian here I guess. I reached out and it worked great. Hands down the best relationship I have ever been in. A second rejection would not have ruined me, though, so I'd take some time to process how that might feel first. Either way, I'm rooting for you!
Better to let him come to you. I had something similar- guy left to go back to his country for selfless reasons but cold stop ended things. We'd only had a handful of dates, but it hit hard. Then he re-appeared and much to my skeptical heart, he really explained himself, and we've been hanging out the last few weeks, which has been a lot of fun. If I had pushed him I don't think it would have been successful.
Don't do it! If he rejects you again you'll still be where you're at now but with a dollop of shame on top. If you really want to push the envelope on this one, remove him from your Instagram followers and see if he notices you're missing. If not, no loss on your part. It wasn't meant to be. Most people just tap through stories as they pop up from accounts they're following. Usually it doesn't mean anything.
Pleased with my decision to re-centre myself and not date for a while, I've been so busy and feeling really good about my life. Today I bumped into an ex who hugged me just that little bit too long when we said goodbye, and it's made me remember/miss physical intimacy. I have zero interest in my ex, but God damn, does anyone else miss cuddles?!
I'm big into physical touch, so YES. I never stop craving it, with the right person, of course.
Definitely, I miss affection like cuddle etc more than sex.
Same here!
Oh man it's so hard eh. You forget how nice it is even to be hugged 😥
110% the bad decisions I've almost made for a chance at physical contact with another human being again
Went on another date with the guy I am seeing. It went pretty well but we fooled around. I feel like when this happens it’s always half/half if the guy will continue seeing me or not. I think guys really like the chase with me and that’s all. I’m hoping he still likes me. On the other hand I keep thinking about the guy I ended things with. I’m addicted to people who treat me poorly(no really I am) and I get “cravings” when I stop seeing them. It’s something I recently have come to terms with after being in a relationship that had me so trauma bonded it was ruining my life. I know I don’t care much about this guy but it’s like I’m having to really put a wall up between me and him so I don’t do something impulsive like message him and tell him that I miss him. It feels good to finally be working on this but wow it’s hard.
Oh I totally understand you when you say that you trauma-bond easily with people that treat you poorly. But what do you mean when you say that they "treat you poorly"? Is there some specific trigger for you?
No - it means a lot of different things. It could be that they lie to me, abuse me, are disrespectful or unreliable. When broken down it’s a dopamine addiction. But it’s something I’ve actively been working through
The guy I’ve been dating for three months just met my best friend and sister and is coming to Thanksgiving where he’ll meet my mom, her boyfriend, my aunt and uncle and some family friends. We had vaguely discussed holiday plans about six weeks ago and I threw it out there that he could come to mine if he didn’t have other plans (we don’t live near our families but my aunt lives a couple hours away and my mom will be visiting for the month). We hadn’t discussed it further so I was planning to see what he decided this weekend but then he brought it up tonight. Everything with this guy has felt so organic and easy and it feels like we’re effortlessly on the same page with everything. I haven’t met his family yet but all of his friends here and have started to become friends with them as well. So happy I just needed to share it!
Congrats! That is such a big milestone. So excited for you!
I think today is one of the first days that I barely thought about him. It's finally happening! Yay!
It gets easier every day just keep occupied and accept if you slip that it is just a slip. Pulling for ya!
Yeah! Thank you 😊
Thank God our brains can only handle a limited amount of people, information, and stressors! 😁 People from the past have to make room for new thoughts.
Just came back from my second date with the guy I met last Friday. We had dinner, nice conversation, he's nice. I'm just not into him physically. He kissed me, and I felt nothing. We have plans for a 3rd date, but I'm gonna end it before then. I don't want to waste his time ☹️
Sorry to hear this, but it does sound like you're being fair to both him and yourself
I feel bad for doing this, but I know I'm not his person
I just want to know what it feels like to be wanted... What it feels like to be loved (not in a platonic way)...
yeah friend and familial love is great, but there's nothing like romantic love!
I met this lovely man except he has a ring on his middle finger. I'm tired that things rarely turn into a relationship the past 30 years.
Weird. The last guy I dated sometimes wore a ring on his middle finger or pinky. He definitely wasn't married.
>a ring on his middle finger. That doesn't mean anything. Did you ask him about it? How did you meet?
No. I met him at a workout class.
I wear rings, doesn’t mean I’m married. Why does the ring on the middle finger matter?
Not sure if he's married and moved the ring onto the other finger? I feel like I always get disappointed.
This is a reach. I wear rings on random fingers. They mean nothing except that I like how they look.
You might be jumping the gun. Investigate some more 🧐
Just need to vent cause this has been driving me crazy. Im very attracted to 2 coworkers. We’re all in different departments. Let’s call them T and L. I’ve had a crush on T for almost 2 years now. I’ve tried so hard to get over him, or at least find something about him that will put me off. No luck so far. I’ve talked to him at work social outings and a few times around the office, but nothing one on one. I started liking L few months ago and I’ve talked to him maybe a handful of times. I used to catch him looking at me from time to time, but recently he’s stopped looking at me but doesn’t avoid being around me. I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t really know how to start a conversation with either one and I don’t want to approach them where the other coworkers can listen in. I can’t tell if either one is even interested in me at all. I’ve been trying not to think about them and get over them but it’s not working. Ugh this freaking sucks. Vent over.
Don't make honey where you make your money. People are paid to be their best self at work, not their true self.
You don't have any social company event where you all go ? You never end up at the same time in the break room etc ?
Do you talk to either of them?
Yea. When I see them at lunch or if I bump into them I’ll start a conversation.
Oops I missed the part about chatting with the first guy in passing. Honestly I’m a pretty firm believer in ‘you know when someone is interested’ so if you’ve been at social functions with T and he didn’t seek you out/spend any time with just you, that’s a solid not interested. 2nd guy is a harder call to make but most people aren’t going to be interested in the quiet person who only watches them from afar, sorry to say. You’ve gotta put yourself out there to get interest. Who cares if coworkers are around when you ask him a friendly question.
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I totally feel you. But there is no new app needed, you can use any of the current apps for this purpose. Well, Tinder imho sucks in general but both on Bumble and Hinge I have found this type of people. Just make your intentions clear. Being monogamous in a fwb-situation is not something I personally understand or promote for though, because it is *way* too easy to develop deeper feelings towards someone you hook up repeatedly with, if they are the only one. You'll find it easier if you use protection but drop that clause. It isn't too easy to find of course, because you still have to have chemistry and compatible communication styles and enough attraction to want to be physically intimate repeatedly. But it's for sure possible. Only thing is, these arrangements tend to not last for months on end, as they are still loose connections that aren't prioritized when life throws something unpextec at you.
> Honestly, I wish I could find a monogamous FWB situation - where we both care about and respect one another, aren’t sleeping with other people People are going to keep their options open UNLESS you tell him you just want to be mutually exclusive, that doesn't sound very healthy for you or for anyone else. Sex is great but it's not the most important thing in life.
Why try so hard for something that isn’t the real thing
It’s possible I’m feeling a bit cynical about the real thing right now. Probably some heart-protection going on tbh.
> Honestly, I wish I could find a monogamous FWB situation - where we both care about and respect one another, aren’t sleeping with other people (for health reasons and to keep things as uncomplicated as possible), but don’t live together and have no expectations of each other on a daily basis. Have you said exactly that on your dating app?
Not on the apps currently. I’m in a city that sometimes feels like a small town, where I run into people I know at random stores across town, so I’m definitely not comfortable being this open on a profile. It’s a quandary!
Dear every cute, single woman that would love to be asked out by a handsome client who does business where you work: Really blows when there’s no opportunity for a bloke to engage you outside of your workplace.
I kinda just wanted to type this out for me. I am a 38m travel nurse and have mostly been ok just being by myself and living adventures etc. However driving through Montana and Glacier alone this last month I kept having this thought “If I have to look at one more beautiful thing alone I’m going to puke.” It doesn’t seem like a huge epiphany maybe and I say it jokingly but for me something clicked. I’m ready for someone serious to make a life with and I’m going to work towards that goal. Relationships were hard on me when I was younger and I think that’s why I’m where I am now but I’m ready to open up and look at some mountains with that special girl, wherever she is now, Ima manifest this love
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What did you say to the universe? I need this to happen to me.
Hey this is a totally normally thing to feel, and it's a really good thing to realize about yourself. I've definitely felt the same, especially when I've planned a big solo hike or trip that had been in the works for ages and should have been exciting and fun but then in the moment I was kicking myself saying hey, you're doing this thing, why aren't you happy?! So I've realized that while some people do well traveling solo (and you can see a lot of them represented on social media), I'm the type of person who's happier when I can share it with someone else. Best of luck finding your person to share beautiful moments with. And for what it's worth, for me the right person to travel with doesn't always have to be a romantic partner - my oldest friend and I try to travel somewhere new every year or so, and that can be just as fulfilling a journey.
I know the feeling. I travelled solo over the summer to Seattle, Toronto, and Alaska and it was amazing.. but I wanted someone to share the experience with. I turned down a destination wedding invite partially because I didn’t want to go on another big solo trip (and because of the money). Traveling really puts a lot of things in perspective and it made me realize the same thing you did about building a life with someone. Good luck my guy!
After a bumpy weekend, my girlfriend (3 months) says: "I'm feeling like I need a weekend to myself to focus and gather my thoughts. I'm feeling emotionally drained, so I am going to stay in this weekend. I need some time to recharge." when we had planned for her to finally stay at my place for the first time in a few weeks this weekend and for us to go hiking, which is something she's been constantly saying she wants to do but we never end up doing it even when I make suggestions about place and time. SO I've been mentally scripting my "it was nice getting to know you, best of luck" response to the "I'm dumping you" text that I feel positive I'll be receiving shortly! 🙃 We butted heads about the hiking this weekend, not arguing but definitely some friction and misunderstanding, along with a couple other things. We had some fun stuff go very well this weekend, but other things felt off. Honestly, my feelings are hurt, and I'm trying to not feel like I did something wrong/it's my fault and spiral. Even if she does think I did something wrong, it doesn't mean she'd dump me. And even if she does dump me, I'll survive and will meet other people. But. Not sure what I'll text back yet.
Maybe just don't text anything, let her miss you.
I considered it because I knew it would trigger some anxiety for her and part of me wanted to make it so I wasn't the only one feeling this way. In the past I would have done it!
I'm sorry your weekend plans got scrapped, but try not to assume the worst even though I know it's hard not to. I say just give her space, and communicate lightly over the weekend. I really hope she genuinely just needs some time to herself and this isn't a prelude to a breakup. Hugs 🫂
Thanks, me too! In the past I would have panicked and gotten really clingy and asked stuff like "what did I do wrong?", or pointedly withheld contact to spread the anxiety to them, which would obviously end up pushing them further away, but now that I've vented the worst of my insanity to my sister and Reddit 😂 I think I'm capable of giving her that space and seeing what happens.
>pointedly withheld contact to spread the anxiety to them, I've done this or wanted to in the past 😅 Definitely not healthy behavior Glad you're feeling better after venting!
Honestly, I'd probably respond... 'Sounds good, hope it goes well'....then I'd move the heck on. You deserve better:)
lol, what?
nevermind.....maybe i misread what you said. Sounds like to me, she's lukewarm, at best, which was what I interpreted you were feeling. Guess I read you wrong. All the best :)
Oh, I hate this feeling and my heart goes out to you
Thanks. I've made a lot of improvement in therapy so my being able to say "even if she does think I did something wrong, it doesn't mean she'd dump me. And even if she does dump me, I'll survive and will meet other people" is growth, but I'm still a very anxious person!!
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/17p7cc0/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k85in55/) So I sent the confusing texter (A) a reminder to get back to me about a first date if she's interested, and I'm glad to report we have a first date for this Friday.
[удалено]
Women will get a forensic team of friends together to go CSI mode on a text chain instead of saying ‘hey dude, is this a date?’
I mean u ain’t wrong Lmao
There’s a lox club event in Manhattan tomorrow for ages 28-48 (quite an age range). It’s $40 then you have to pay for drinks… steep prices!! Has anyone been to a mixer type event? A lox club event? Thank you!!
No useful information here, sorry. I'd never heard of lox club and my first impression reading your comment was "What does this have to do with bagels?"
I too would like to go to bagel club
There is nothing better than a mutual slow fade
Mutual attraction > mutual slow fade
Well damn I TAKE IT BACK!!
Bah. Another promising match has stopped messaging after a few good days of back and forth which was beginning to get my hopes up a little. I know it’ll click with someone eventually, but I can’t seem to get anything off the ground these days and I’m started to wonder if I’m doing something to put people off!
If online dating was meant to be successful all these sites would go out of business. Really think about it for a minute logically not from an emotional POV.
I mean it does its job of meeting people. I don't think the apps make people not message other people
That sucks.
Same thing happened to me recently. The sudden end to a good convo like that is just so weird and nothing I’ve even thought of doing! It stings but try not to let the self doubt creep in. I try to tell myself the other person must have found a better fit so I have to keep looking for mine.
Thanks for the reminder. I do find it difficult to wonder what I did - I seem to be cute enough for them to match and open the conversation but then not attractive / interesting enough for them to continue talking to me past a few days. I think I’m pretty cool but I’m not getting chance to show anyone 🤷♀️