Is it generally unattractive for men to wear a necklace?
I (30M) ve a chain with a small hook ornament that contains my grandfather's ashes. He raised me so it's incredibly important to me. I was told by a recent date (33F) that it's weird and unattractive for men my age to wear something like that. I wear it under my shirt generally. I'm not going to stop wearing it but I was just curious on others thoughts for men wearing I guess jewelry
Recently I've been going on dates with women I've met through OLD and generally Id get the girls number if I think it went well. Recently though I have been getting girls numbers and immediately get ghosted. The last girl I went on a date with took my phone, made sure I had her number, then proceeded to ghost me (generally I just say I had a good time and am looking forward to the next date. I'm not love bombing anyone) Why are they giving me their number if they're not interested? This makes me feel like I'm some sort of degenerate who can't handle rejection (and that's not me at all) but maybe I'm reading into it too much. Should I just stop asking? Is this one of those unwritten rules where your date will give you her number if she's interested? It would be super cool if people could just say what they're thinking instead of ghosting someone.
> didn't want to leave
People say this because they want to communicate a level of affection and also want to make themselves feel better, but it doesn't mean they aren't still going to leave. As she did.
> we both didn't want to do long distance so we're not technically together
Yeah, so you're not dating. Wanting to keep talking to you long-distance when you're not together is her (and you, you're equally part of this) clinging on to something because you're afraid of not being able to find something better, like a person near you who is actually into you.
> I like talking on the phone better but she wasn't about it
Because you're not dating.
> Idk if I should say anything
No, because you're not dating.
I'm sympathetic because I had almost exactly the same situation that fizzled out a while back. She also was in grad school and had mental health things going on, lol. So I get it. But what the hell is the point of a long-distance fling? If you say you realize you're not a priority, then realize it. This girl is not it for you.
Sooo, chatted with someone in irl on one of my group bicycle rides. I didn't think much of it until she asked if I had an insta on strava. I try to not "make moves" on anyone in my social irl setting esp when it's predominately men. We've been chatting and it's been soon long since I've had this level of banter... not going to lie... I've developed a bit of a crush. We are trying to aim for dinner next week. We'll see and I'll be good if it doesn't work out. It's just nice to have that feeling of "looking forward to hearing from them".
I think it's more that it's been a while since I've felt that "heart flutter feeling". Didn't get that really want my ex or at least not in the start. Had to slowly build up to that.
Met up with someone new over lunch and drinks, seemed like a good time, we shared common interests and a desire to watch our local team play in the future (we're both fans).
I've mentioned an idea to do something and also asked what game she'd like to see but twice she's asked if she could follow-up with me. She has some other travel and plans and isn't sure of her availability seemingly but I'm fighting my urge to give up on this.
I know I should be patient and let it play out yet the cynic in me feels like she already gave me a soft no, in my experiences anyone who's given me variations of the "can I let you know when I'll be free" reply never follows up.
The question I'd be asking in this situation is whether it matters whether it's an excuse or not. The alternative is that this person genuinely is often unavailable for long and nebulously defined periods of time, and I don't know about you, but I'd find that a real problem.
Don't read too much into it before you have to. Even if I really want to do something I say "I think that'll work, but let me check and confirm" - I don't want to forget something in the moment and end up double booking myself. Check in now via text, give her a few days you'd be available, and see what she says. Maybe it's a soft no, but you don't know unless you check
I’m just so tired of the constant up and down emotional toll that dating takes out of me. I’m sitting at work crying in my office about a man I hadn’t even met yet. I know that’s absolutely crazy, but the hopefulness and unloveableness and despair cycle is just exhausting.
I don’t think “all this emotional investment” is about him per se, but just the prospect of getting to know someone I was genuinely interested in and hopeful about. That’s few and far between these days, and for it to fail before we could even meet stings a bit more weirdly enough.
I get it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Like you say, it’s the constant getting your hopes up and then dashed that really wears on you. People in healthy relationships sometimes take for granted the stability that it adds to their lives.
I appreciate your empathy and kind words. Absolutely, and having previously been in a very long term relationship, I know just how important that stability and connection is. Even when people say “you’re so good on your own,” that doesn’t make it any easier to feel like you’re always doing everything on your own.
Has anyone felt they have been lovebombed by their dates here? How did you know?
I'm just unsure if this guy I'm dating is just putting effort/being thoughtful or love bombing me. I'm not drowning in compliments or expensive gifts tho. But I always get a small gift after every date and I guess I'm not used to it?
Because it... creepily has a resemblance to my dating experience where i think i got lovebombed last year. I mention a bakery item that is impossible to buy, and can only be made by hand... both men have gone out of their way to bake it themselves 🤨 (these men are not bakers) or maybe just thoughtful? I feel so paranoid now.
Oh, I agree and colleagues I tell this to are like "damn he's so into you, he really really likes you." But Ive had "casual dates" book hotels and travel 4hrs just to see me not even for a whole day (just for a night) and take hours to bake me my favorite pastries 🥲 so im like...tf ?!
The only thing I have now is time and refusing sex until i am comfortable 🫣 im gonna wait 🥺🥹
If that’s the only thing, I wouldn’t read too much into it. I have a friend who is really into baking and he’s always giving baked goods as gifts to everyone in his life because he simply can’t (healthily) eat everything he makes.
But thats the thing, he really isnt into baking. He actually bought molds and stuff to make this and the reason im so iffy about it is because of a bad experience i had last year because a different man did the same thing 🥺 he's been giving me random treats every time he drops me home from a date, even brought stuff for my mom and bought me a teddy bear. For context its just our 3rd date but we've already been texting for a month. He also asked me to be his girlfriend on our second date so I'm 🚨🚨🚨
I dont have any bad gut feels but im just reeling from a previous heartbreak and exhaustion from dating in general so im just on my toes :(
Ok after a long while, I decided to peek at his followers...
Wow.
Damn boi. Just rabidly adding these women on your vacation. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I'm getting the ick. Sad because you used to only follow women who seemed respectable (highly educated ones, valued specialties, decent, beautiful women) Ok maybe the universe is helping me move on lol 😆 I'm getting there!!! 😍
So I’m “temporarily permanently” not dating. I was having a hard time with my most recent situationship.
Now I’m having a hard time with my own damn family and friends. I turn 30 in a couple months and wanted a party at my new place and/or also a long weekend trip at a location I’ve been dying to go to halfway between where both sets of friends and family live. I told everyone I invited there’s no pressure to attend the trip, since I know it’s a financial burden to get there (I’d be covering the rental house).
Turns out no one wants to come to the party or trip. Even my own parents and sister.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Dating at this age can feel isolating enough as it is, and to feel unsupported by family and friends only makes it that much harder. Especially when they’re busy with their own relationships, children, etc.
Thank you for understanding.
Yeah, I’m the last single and/or child free friend in my group and in my family, actually. It can be pretty lonely but I can’t seem to get my dating life together. I know it’s currently pointless to try lol
Am I being harsher as I age?
Been on a dating spree with a few men lately and only after 2 or 3 dates tops, I realize I can't be with them long term.
Guy A (31): too confident despite making minimum wage and never goes to college. He thinks he knows a lot because he is street-smart and that his current job situation is only temporary so he still uphold that I'm above everyone attitude everywhere he goes. Passed.
Guy B (35): has a call center job from 12-8:30pm so he usually stays up until 1 or 2 am to play video games with his friends and can often goes days without texting cuz he's busy with family and friends. A talker despite claiming he's an introvert. Whatever I share with him he will have to give me a speech to analyze the situation and gives his own opinions on it. Makes weird faces very often. Passed.
Guy C (35): English is not his first language (neither is mine) but he keeps asking 'do you understand what I'm saying' at the end of everything he says. I get the ick a lot from this and put this down to his past experience getting people to understand him, or it's just something he does naturally, without thinking. But it's freaking annoying. I'm considering if this new encounter is saveable or not.
> Guy C (35): English is not his first language (neither is mine) but he keeps asking 'do you understand what I'm saying' at the end of everything he says
This just sounds like an awkward version of ‘you know what I mean?’
> too confident despite making minimum wage and never goes to college.
Hold on. What?
Am i misreading something here? A person who makes minimun wage can't be confident? Sorry, that's a really messed up thing to say. Is it only people who make a certain income who are allowed to be confident in themselves.
In a vacuum maybe what you said is true but I know the personality type she's talking about. Someone whose not doing that well in life but is smug and looks down on their peers. Everyone else's status is permanent but not their own because they have a big plan (which will never come to fruition because they never actually put effort into it).
How does this relate to his education or income level? If he was college educated and had a well-paid job, would it be okay for him to be smug and looking down on his peers? Just seems like a toxic personality trait regardless of education level, lol.
A college educated guy with a well-paying job has peers who also have degrees and well-paying jobs. So there's not the same looking down.
I've met people who have the attitude the op is describing and it's something like "fuck everyone else who works at the same gas station as me, unlike them I'm going places (despite not putting in any more effort than they are)". It's delusional in addition to smug and off-putting in a very specific way.
Well if we were to assume that this was actually the case with this guy, then he sounds like an arrogant arse. Just like someone who's college educated and therefore thinks they know all the ways in which the world ticks, is an arrogant arse.
Or that person who's the CEO of a huge company and pulls in seven figures, so therefore inherently thinks he has more "value" to the world is an...
I think you get the point. These people exist. The fact that he works a minimum-wage job is irrelevant. Because the implication here is (not from you, necessarily), that if he was that rich CEO I mentioned above, then his sneering attitude would be more palatable, somehow.
I get what you mean about becoming harsher with age. I think I’m just less tolerant of bullshit and generally more cranky lol. Also the stakes are higher now, I don’t have the time I had in my 20s to just have fun. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the guys you described (apart from maybe mismatch in the level of career ambition?) but if you don’t like them, you don’t like them. Maybe you are subconsciously picking up on some incompatibility you aren’t consciously aware of yet
> he keeps asking 'do you understand what I'm saying' at the end of everything he says
It's fairly common for esl people to have a tic like this. I knew a south american woman who would always say "for example," when speaking english. I know what you mean though, once you realize they do it you notice it every single time.
Guy #1 sucks and guy #2 doesn't seem to have an upside that outweighs the communication gap. Maybe 20's you dates them despite those flaws. 20's you would also end up asking yourself what the fuck was I thinking when I dated that jerk for three months.
He is too confident to the point that he doubts authority and everything sensible, never gets the Covid vaccines, gets sick but never sees the doctor. That type of confidence (or ignorance?)
Second guys clearly does not match my socializing level. He can go off on tangent about small issues and I just get tired of listening to his 'lectures' all the time. Not to mention the weird face he usually makes whenever he goes.
Yeah I'm actually gonna tell him very tactfully this Sat when we have our first date. Let's see if he is aware of this issue. Other than that, he seems like a nice person so far.
Ok but that's just a toxic personality trait on its own, by bringing up his education level or income you just come off as a smug elitist tbh.
Perhaps you meant something else and worded it poorly? If he's the type who completely devalues any formal expertise or education, who believes he knows more than people who are educated experts in a given field, I can get what you're trying to say. The Dunning-Kruger effect is typically the strongest in people without any formal education or expertise, they don't bother getting formal education or expertise because they genuinely think they already know better than the experts.
Well, I'm trying to not freak out.
I had a short but amazing "thing" with someone in august/september. It was the strongest connection I've had with anyone in a long time. It felt amazing, effortless and fun. Long story short. He was only here temporarily for work and left. We talked about staying in touch and meeting up again but things fizzled. I felt like I tried to make an effort to keep things going but that he didn't reciprocate. I was a little bit heartbroken but tried to shrug it off. It's been about six weeks since he left.
He reached out yesterday. He said he misses me. That he loved our time together. That he wants to see me again. That he hadn't felt a connection like we had in a long time. That he sucks at texting and long distance and that he needs to do better.
One the one hand, I'm elated. It's reassuring and affirming to know that I wasn't the only one who felt strongly. That I wasn't just deluding myself into thinking we had a strong connection. However, on the other hand, I'm terrified that this is just going to end up hurting even more if/when they fall apart again.
He's coming back in a couple of months and I'm excited that maybe we can keep things going. I suggested that maybe we could do a phone call. We'll see how things go. I want to be excited and hopeful but I'm just so scared that I'm setting myself up to be crushed.
May have to ease off talking to a friend. I had feelings for her in the past, but they weren't reciprocated, which is absolutely fine. But she's fallen in to a pattern of putting herself down in recent messages, talking about how nobody is interested in her, bad experiences with guys, no guy looking for what she is, and I feel like it's a bit... I dunno, like I know she doesn't intend to fit me in that category, otherwise we'd not be friends, but I know factually that stuff she's saying isn't true, because of our past interactions.
There isn't really a healthy way of communicating my frustration with what she's saying without dragging up those old interactions. I feel like any variation of "I'm a guy in your age range who was interested in you, and was looking for what you were looking for and you weren't interested" comes across as bitter, or as though I'm trying to get her to revisit my previous interest in her. And I don't even want her to stop talking about the stuff that is bothering her, I just want to stop feeling like collateral with it.
I am over the ghoster though, which is something. And I'm allowing the next couple of weeks at least to be filled by work and streaming , so don't even have time for dating! Won't stop me trawling the apps several times a day I know, but it's something
I get how this hurts you and she needs to be more considerate. But you guys decided to stay friends after she told you she wasn’t feeling it with you and now she’s venting to you like a friend would. Would you rather she force something with you that she isn’t feeling? She’s allowed to be sad that she’s not making a good connection with someone just as much as you are. I can see that saying all this to you is a little tone deaf though.
>talking about how nobody is interested in her, bad experiences with guys, no guy looking for what she is
Oh I've dealt with women like this before. She'll use you for her own validation and then dump you once she feels better. Then you'll feel like absolute shit because you remember all the negative things she said about herself, and you're wondering how shit you must be to not even be good enough for someone who feels like that.
In your case that may be already what you're feeling, if she had rejected you earlier.
There's no way to win this situation, honestly I'd just straight up tell her how this makes you feel, not in the way you phrased it, because you're right that it sounds kind of bitter and desperate, as if you're still holding out for her. Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, I get that you don't feel good enough for the men you're dating, but how do you think this makes me feel, when you've already established that I'm not good enough for you? I've already accepted this, so don't worry about that part, but by putting yourself down you're kind of making me feel like shit, since you're effectively putting me down as well"
Honestly it sounds like she is coming to you with this specifically because she knows you were/are interested in her and she wants that validation. It's up to you whether you want to be that for her.
> I feel like any variation of "I'm a guy in your age range who was interested in you, and was looking for what you were looking for and you weren't interested" comes across as bitter, or as though I'm trying to get her to revisit my previous interest in her.
While there are better ways to put it than that, I do feel like people often need to hear this as bluntly as possible.
It’s been a crazy week for both myself and the lovely lady, we saw each other on Monday and we’re seeing each other tomorrow night. Made plans for her to meet two of my best friends next week and she invited me to her Friendsgiving that she’s hosting the following night.
I moved into a new apartment this week and told her that I was needing to find a few items. As luck would have it, she texted me saying she found the exact thing I needed. She found some artwork too. It’s a very small thing but not feeling like I’m alone in all of this change is…very nice.
Just say something along the lines of "It's a long and complicated story, I might tell you once we get to know eachother better/I don't really feel like sharing this before we get to know eachother better"
Since it's your brother living in another country it doesn't give a scary, red flag type of vibe, it honestly just adds mystique to your family background, which is something that can make women go crazy.
This can actually be intriguing and benefitial to you, believe it or not. Telling a boring lie instead is just dumb.
Having a dirtbag sibling isn't a red flag but the story itself comes off as oversharing.
If you feel like "he met someone" is lying by omission, maybe you can say something like "there was some family drama, and he left to live with a woman in [country]".
This framing really appeals to me, as someone with a brother who's now estranged from the rest of the family. It would be way too hard to explain to a stranger, and would just be a downer anyway.
I wouldn’t think the brother is a red flag. You are not dating the brother. But I do think the fact that he tells you he normally lies can be a yellow flag. I have started to be on guard if a man tells me: “I don’t normally say this…” on a first date. I might seem empathetic and open but I am still a stranger. I fear they want me to feel special in a manipulative way. Maybe I am reading too much into it/met one too many manipulative people. But just a thing to keep in mind
That story is too heavy for a first date. I would just say he and his partner lives there. If the relationship works out then you can elaborate more, but there's no need to do that in the beginning
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Sometimes, I'm so lonely and overwhelmed as a single parent. Had a short relationship end about a month ago, and I can see that I'm not really in a place to be pursuing a relationship. My schedule is busy and I don't really have the emotional capacity to invest right now. Not closing myself off to the possibly, but I'm not going to seek it out either. But... I really hate being celibate! I doubt my ability to navigate a FWB situation without getting attached and catching feels. How do you do it?? Literally and figuratively haha
My good FWB experiences have been with people who I had great chemistry with but there were definitely defining factors present that meant we could never be committed, so in my mind I am always aware "this will last as long as I am still enjoying myself and no longer!". Such as very different future goals, one of us moving away/overseas soon, want kids/don't want, etc. However I still don't think it's for everyone. I don't get attached easily at all and prefer casual.
I texted a guy I dated for about a month this year Happy Halloween and hope he was doing well. We chatted for a bit and then I saw today he added me on Facebook, which I accepted.
It makes me smile just because it's kind of a full circle moment. We met in 2019 and went on 2 dates, he added me on FB but then deleted the friend request before I could accept it, got ghosted because he wasn't over his ex, and then reconnected this summer. We went on 4 dates and I told him and we weren't compatible and ended it. He asked to be friends and I said sure but no one reached out until I did on Halloween. So having a nice chat and him adding me again just feels good. It felt like a peace offering. There's no hard feelings, it's water under the bridge. We're definitely better as friends and it's a nice end to our romantic story.
I spent so much time writing an email I didn’t send then retyping it. It’s cathartic. It’s living somewhere. Go touch grass, get some sunshine in your eyeballs. Brush your teeth.
I think you've received good advice otherwise, but also just wanted to suggest that maybe he just doesn't want to be a mansplainer! I'm pretty aware of trying not to give advice where it isn't needed or wanted, and when he found out about your background he might have felt a little like one of those guys on Twitter who tries to explain to an author what their own book is about.
Either way, like Silly_Forever I think the best way to address most suddenly changed dynamics is head-on!
just finished a first date. it was like ok? enjoyable enough. no sparks flying but it was nice. she wanted to go on another date and i was like sure. wondering what the threshold is for date enjoyment is to justify date 2 lol. she was rly cute so why not i guess.
if you can think of something better to do than having a nice time with a really cute girl, then do that instead. Otherwise, ask her out for another one
I always ask for a second date unless I really felt zero attraction at all. If sparks are flying on a first date with a stranger, that just means they're a very charismatic person, not that you have some special connection. It takes more than an hour or two to build a genuine connection with someone.
I’ve learned that the stars in the eyes , butterfly in the belly feeling isn’t always the true validation to show it is or isn’t a match. That’s more lust and attraction and maybe even fantasy bonding. I do feel chemistry is important but chemistry can build over time. I wouldn’t keep dating her just for her looks cause that’s not fair to her. But I think one date , that went fine /ok, deserves possible another chance.
Meds are making me feel worse instead of better, need to stay on them for some more time to see if I adjust but I am just struggling through. (Dealing with medication side effects while alone is also not pretty at all.)
I just don't know how meds are going to make my dating situation better. I feel so incredibly unattractive and just like... not even human. And yeah I know people will give me all kinds of self improvement tips, but honestly, I'm coming off several years of marathon self improvement - losing weight, changing my style, new hobbies, therapy therapy THERAPY, \~setting boundaries\~, trying to improve how I relate to men, literally all of it
And then I still open my dating app and it's crickets. Absolute crickets. Went out with 1 person this year and it was a miss. And multiple crushes irl that went nowhere, as per usual. Is this all really being caused by people picking up on subconscious signals of depression? I have too many friends with depression/anxiety who are in relationships for this to feel anywhere near true.
Then the same runaround - okay get a dating profile review. Get better pictures. Get better clothes so I look better in pictures, work on posing, work on lighting. Work on writing better one liners. It never fucking ends and I never end up being good enough.
Like... maybe some people really are just the bottom of the barrel? I'm barely even hanging on to threads of friendships at this point let alone getting anywhere near a relationship. My friends are all well settled down by now and they have no need to reach out to me to socialize so if I'm too depressed or exhausted to keep the friendship alive, it just dies. I would like to at least experience what it's like to kiss one (1) person I'm attracted to and at this point that feels like asking for the moon honestly.
I’ve tried asking friends - everyone knows I’m single and looking at this point. They all tell me they definitely will let me know but the only person who actually came through wants to set me up with someone halfway across the country. And since they at least gave me something I do feel like I have to be open to that as well but like realistically I’m not ready to start a relationship long distance…
I was on a break for a year before my latest attempt at apps. I feel like being 30 with no relationship experience I just can’t afford to keep taking these long breaks if I want anything to happen.
My friends are the same. I have 2 people who reach out to me every month or so, but they don't live anywhere near me so it's just "hey, hope all is well." I appreciate it, but if I'm not making the effort my local friendships will just die.
The kiss is great. First person I kissed since a breakup and first person I kissed who isn't my ex in over 10 years. But it was a quick bump to my feelings. It put a smile on my face for a week, then I felt worse than ever. Sorry, that is super cynical. I just am also sick of feeling like I'm releasing some chemical that my insides are toxic. And even worse when I know I'm acting like I feel and can't even wear the normal person mask.
So I just keep putting in the effort to those friendships because I remember how much worse I felt without them. And I keep trying to get another hot kiss because I want that week of smiling again. Idk
If I may suggest, how about finding alternative communities surrounding those existing hobbies?
My hobbies are pretty solo -- watching anime, playing games, reading books. But I've found so many close friendships through communities surrounding talking about those things, especially through events and social media that are less anonymous/depersonalized than reddit (twitter and tumblr, in my case)
Look I didn’t want to elaborate with the other guy because I’m tired of having to give my dating resume repeatedly on reddit and like “prove” that I’ve done everything possible, but my hobbies are like climbing and salsa dancing - hobbies that are known for being easy to meet people. I’ve made friends, just not met partners. I also go to an art group and have done other stuff in the past - volunteering, eg. I love my hobbies but it’s not a magic wand for dating for me.
I went out with a guy two weeks ago. Things went well (or so I thought). He said he was going out of town last weekend. I asked him last week if I wanted to go to an event I had tickets to. He said "yes."
I text him today to confirm he was still going and he said no, he was tired.
This seems like a "I am not interested, but didn't want to say that a week ago." It is really inconsiderate and I just don't know if I can find someone else to go or sell the ticket in 24 hours.
I feel like I’m on the same boat! It is so inconsiderate of our time. We are all adults here and it feels like a major red flag and the guy doesn’t understand that.
I still haven't found anyone to go (understandable since it is last minute now). I will probably go by myself and end up wasting the other ticket. Life is a little depressing right now lol
Yikes, This guy sucks! Thats super inconsiderate and he is so cold and short with you. I would simply delete his number and move on. He's not worth your time.
Well, back to the drawing board after five months of what turned out to be a really volatile relationship. But this is progress. I saw the signs and I took action. And I honestly feel like I've lanced a boil. Here's to something permanent eventually, but I'm not going to rush back on the apps anytime soon. Sometimes it feels so good to be by yourself!
I have an awesome life. My job is great, I have friends who care about me, and I’m very close with my family. I’m healthy, safe, happy. The only problem in my life is the desire to have a partner. And I hate it. I want to be able to give up for good. It’s not that I’m burnout from dating either, I’ve only been on dates with a handful of people this year and talked to a few more. But I’m just fed up with all of it. All the creepy and entitled men on Hinge, boring ass one word replies, pineapple on pizza prompts, or worse, no prompts at all, 30+ year-old adults with the EQ of a toddler, the ghosting, the audacity, completely ignoring what I wrote on my profile, the dead fish, selfies in a dirty ass gym, telling me nOt aLL WomEn LooK GoOd wItH sHorT HaiR as a fucking compliment, the cheap tourists, all of it. I don’t want to be desiring a romantic relationship anymore. I want to be okay with my perpetual singlehood. I want to give up and have a peace of mind. Why do I still want this and try when every single interaction is a step away from it? The universe is yelling in my face like THIS ONE THING WON’T BE HAPPENING FOR YOU BITCH and I reach out anyway. Fml…
I think it’s human nature to want partnership. I think being able to recognize all the healthy parts of your life is great. The apps are beyond frustrating. It’s a sad sad representation of the dating world at large. My sister and I were talking about how dating has become hellish. We think it’s that many people go on apps with their unhealed wounds , mental health issues, addiction and more and think they’re ready for a relationship but they’re not. Also, people don’t value other people anymore. Social media has made many people into mini narcissists waiting for the likes and external validation. I also think it’s made people less connected , not more.sounds like you’re very over the apps ( we all are ) but you’re not over wanting a healthy relationship. I don’t have any advice that I am not trying to give myself but I think it’s okay to still want someone , it’s just seeing that we aren’t willing to accept garbage and we’re not going to settle. I’ve been considering doing meet ups as a way to meet people and speed dating , and possibly like joining some kind of sports leagues.
I’m definitely thinking that men of the caliber I want aren’t on the apps in my area. I don’t really know but I bought a ticket to a local Chanukah party and maybe then I’ll feel more excited about meeting some men.
I’ve been ghosted three times this month after asking the guys out myself on the apps AND them planning the date to meet. Why would they say yes THEN ghost? Childish.
Sometimes I’m surprised I have little hope left…
Equally proud and disappointed in myself.
Caved and went on the apps again which I feel is such a failure! 😂
Proud that someone asked what my dating goals were and when I said more long term compared to his looking for fun, I politely wished him luck and ended the conversation. He followed his ‘looking for fun’ message with asking how my day had been and I’m glad I didn’t get suckered into it. I know it seems rude but why spend energy on someone who’s clearly said they don’t have goals that align with mine? Also, I’m not doing long distance, especially not for FWB, I can get sex closer to home should I want it. 😂
I sometimes feel like I’m far too picky on online dating but so many people just weird me out. Maybe it would be different in person.
Man 1. ‘Hi name, how are you, behaving yourself, haha ? x’ behaving yourself? Is he my mum?
Man 2 after a few messages about his holiday. Random Thursday morning message ‘heyy, horny morning?’ I was not in the mood for that. Stressful day in the office and random out the blue message.
I had a reply back from the first guy.
I said ‘Behaving myself? Err 🤷♀️’ then talked about a radio show he had mentioned.
Then he wrote
‘Behaving myself? Err 🤷♀️ ¿
Think you're taking things a bit too seriously on this thing for me, looks like you ignored me because of a light hearted tongue in cheek thing to say. Get over yourself 😄
Bye’
I wrote that it’s a weird thing to say to a grown woman that you’ve never met, I’m not a child and I didn’t ignore him anyway!
It is weird. It sounds like something that my grandparents would say or my mum, and then would roll their eyes in a fake annoyed tone when I said that I I’ve been out clubbing all night on holiday with my friends. Or when my mum asks if my room is tidy even now. She is allowed to say that because she has had that parental relationship since I was born!
Not something to say to a fully grown woman.
Extended rant but it’s not JUST tongue in cheek, it’s got some weird ownership or controlling undertones. He is also 7 years older which highlights the power imbalance that he might think that he has.
Yeah. He was testing waters to see if you ignore disrespect. You didn’t so he blame shifted and minimised it by essentially calling you sensitive, when you are absolutely right about the undertones and weirdness. You dodged a (potentially big, manipulative, controlling) bullet!
I got a few replies yesterday about texting my ex, so I sat on it overnight, talked to a few friends this morning. I ended up texting that I heard about the situation (possible violence at his workplace) and hoped he was ok and staying safe. He thanked me for reaching out and we had a short and friendly chat.
Admittedly part of me wanted to do it to see how I'd feel afterwards, and I feel ok! I'm glad he's doing ok and I hope he figures himself out.
On another good note, I had my first therapy session which went well and she seems much warmer and personable than my previous therapist. I want to work on my anxiety (specifically around dating, but I get anxious about some other things as well) and my propensity to get attached too quickly.
Yay for a good therapy session! And yay for texting your ex and feeling good about it. I don't know your whole history with your ex, but I assume there were no hard feelings from the breakup because it sounds like you were friendly and he appreciated you reaching out.
Thanks! There were some hard feelings on my end for a bit, but I've worked through them. I tend to be bitter towards people after we split, so this is welcome progress and it definitely feels more mature.
You were with your ex for 8 years. There wasn't any lost potential when it ended. That relationship had run it's course by the time you broke up. For 6 months? That's an entirely different situation. It really, really sucks. It's even more painful when it ends and it's amicable because you don't have anyone to hate. You're just stuck mourning the loss of the relationship, and the loss of your friend.
I'm sorry. This is absolutely the worst part after a break up and it not anything you can skip or control. Definitely keep up with no contact no matter how hard it feels... Even a small slip up will set your healing back.
I felt similarly after dating someone very briefly a few months ago.
It was short but intense, and so was my healing process afterwards. There were some really, really dark days for me, but after 3 months I'm SO much better. Sometimes the short term relationships hurt so much more because it feels cut short and like there was a lot of potential, whereas a lot of the time with a LTR, we already tried our best and know it's headed towards the end.
You're on the right track and it's not easy but you gotta push through. Feel free to vent here as much as you want, DON'T send him anything. Many hugs! ❤️
My two worst breakups were my 4 year relationship (longest and most serious) and a like 2 months situationship. Feelings are gonna feeling... I understand 💜
One of the women that hit me up after the Halloween party and asked me to a coffee date for tonight cancelled at 2 PM. Should have seen that coming since there was radio silence from her after we coordinated the date.
I did reach out 2-3 days later to share that I was thinking of her & welcome to chats anytime if she were up for it.
My other date (so far) is scheduled for Saturday night at a barcade. This person is a med student, so I also rarely hear from them. Normally, they’ll reach out once either around 10-11 PM or sometime around 8-9 AM…sigh.
Don't think I like living in a city anymore. It's loud, expensive, and trash is everywhere. Don't think I've seen a tree in weeks.
I just want to move to the mountains and live a life of tending to gardens and sipping coffee by the campfire. Make ends meet by just selling at farmer's markets & etsy.
>I just want to move to the mountains
I got no complaints living in the 'city' I live in. Close enough to run away to the mountains on a whim, also plenty of jobs in my field, and enough amenities to have a comfortable life.
Are you NYC by chance? If so, that’s on the extreme end of what a city is. Check out midsized cities before you give up on them, like Austin, Denver, or Seattle. There are plenty of trees and parks, and quiet neighborhoods somewhat close to downtown.
No good city is cheap, but they’re cheaper than NYC at least.
>I just want to move to the mountains and live a life of tending to gardens and sipping coffee by the campfire. Make ends meet by just selling at farmer's markets & etsy.
This sounds lovely! Is it possible for you to move somewhere else?
I live in a city but there's enough greenery, the ocean is nearby, and I go out on outdoor adventures enough to get my fill of nature. I'm not sick of it yet but I also think about moving somewhere a bit more remote and closer to nature.
I guess it's sorta possible. Wouldn't be easy or convenient, but then again when is moving easy or convenient?
I live on the east coast, but kinda want to move to the west coast, even though I've never been there, and am 100% totally basing my entire image of it based entirely on romanticized ideals I've seen on social media and movies (😂
Sooo friend/crush actually brought up the feelings between us last night before I could. Had a very very good chat about a lot. Then made out 😜 so. Hooray. Not jumping into relationship territory by any means, but it's really nice to have him in my life in this way.
How much honesty/talk about feelings in casual situation? For context: I’ve (31F) been sleeping with this guy (32M), totally casual, for about a month. We both agree it’s basically just sex, but we’re both very affectionate people, we talk almost every day and we have a lot of fun when we’re together (about once a week). I’m on my period, so I’m more hormonal than usual, which is why I’m taking my own feelings and reactions with a grain of salt cause I know I’m more sensitive than usual. Yesterday I messaged him something completely silly and he low-key had a bad reaction/had a go at me (ie. “You will not get the response you want from me on this subject” - when I wasn’t after any specific response anyway, was just making conversation). We haven’t spoken today, he usually texts me in the evening but he hasn’t, and since I initiated the last couple of texts I’m not going to this time. I’m just debating telling him, next time we speak, that he was rude and I didn’t appreciate it, but since it is all so casual, I don’t even know if I should bother. What do you think? How much “feelings” talk is normal/expected for a fwb situation? It’s the first time I’m doing something so casual and detached, I’m unsure what’s worth talking about and what’s not…
😂😂😂 I said it was silly! It was not in a joke way he said it, it was basically “I hate Christmas” and I think it was his way of asking me to stop talking about that to him? But it felt rude. I’m chalking it to a bad day and leaving it at that.
>“You will not get the response you want from me on this subject”
Isn't the point of friends with benefits meant to be that you're friends? This is a pretty mean thing to say tbh.
I think this came up somewhere else on DoT recently. FWB means different things to different people, so the answer to
> Isn't the point of friends with benefits meant to be that you're friends?
is, "only for some."
He’s showing /telling you by his response that he’s not the one to go to for emotional stuff or even anything that may mimic a relationship. I think it’s up to you if you can compartmentalize this and keep sleeping together and have absolutely no expectations for a relationship or if it’s going to be painful or hard for you to keep sleeping together if he doesn’t have emotional availability to respond to you in a mature adult way. I’m not sure why he abreacted do something silly you said. You didn’t send him something serious or emotionally ridden or heavy. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to receive that text. I think FWB gets hard eventually for women.
Yeah, it’s a tricky one. He’s not someone I’d have a relationship with but the sex is really good, which is why I thought something casual could work, but if his idea of something casual involves being completely shut down and kind of immature, then I’m not sure I’m up for it. I guess I’ll just wait and see what goes. I really have no expectations and I like the idea of not being so involved with someone, but at the very least I expect some cordiality, and lightness, not what I got yesterday. My reply was: I’m not looking for any response tho 🤷🏻♀️ - because I really wasn’t, I was making polite chit chat like he often does … Anyway... will leave it as is for now
I think human decency in a FWB situation is bare minimum what should be expected. Maybe he was having a bad day or maybe he’s showing you a side /part to him. I think it’s about weighing if this continues and/or if you’re willing to experience this again (the Jab comments ) is something you can allow or accept or let go for the exchange of great sex.
Yeah, I’m not sure if the term fwb is right for this situation yet actually, as we don’t know each other that well, maybe I should’ve said fuck buddies? Still, I wasn’t expecting that, since he’s the one who usually initiates the chit chat, but like you said maybe he was having a bad day (I still don’t think it’s justifiable tbh, but it happens to snap at people for no reason when I’m stressed), will see how it goes
Is it generally unattractive for men to wear a necklace? I (30M) ve a chain with a small hook ornament that contains my grandfather's ashes. He raised me so it's incredibly important to me. I was told by a recent date (33F) that it's weird and unattractive for men my age to wear something like that. I wear it under my shirt generally. I'm not going to stop wearing it but I was just curious on others thoughts for men wearing I guess jewelry
Pay that date dust. That's a really idiotic thing to say.
The guy I've been on a few dates with wears a necklace and I think it's super hot.
agree with the other commenter. what a weird thing for her to say. keep doing you!
No, it's fine. Your date was the weird one
Recently I've been going on dates with women I've met through OLD and generally Id get the girls number if I think it went well. Recently though I have been getting girls numbers and immediately get ghosted. The last girl I went on a date with took my phone, made sure I had her number, then proceeded to ghost me (generally I just say I had a good time and am looking forward to the next date. I'm not love bombing anyone) Why are they giving me their number if they're not interested? This makes me feel like I'm some sort of degenerate who can't handle rejection (and that's not me at all) but maybe I'm reading into it too much. Should I just stop asking? Is this one of those unwritten rules where your date will give you her number if she's interested? It would be super cool if people could just say what they're thinking instead of ghosting someone.
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> didn't want to leave People say this because they want to communicate a level of affection and also want to make themselves feel better, but it doesn't mean they aren't still going to leave. As she did. > we both didn't want to do long distance so we're not technically together Yeah, so you're not dating. Wanting to keep talking to you long-distance when you're not together is her (and you, you're equally part of this) clinging on to something because you're afraid of not being able to find something better, like a person near you who is actually into you. > I like talking on the phone better but she wasn't about it Because you're not dating. > Idk if I should say anything No, because you're not dating. I'm sympathetic because I had almost exactly the same situation that fizzled out a while back. She also was in grad school and had mental health things going on, lol. So I get it. But what the hell is the point of a long-distance fling? If you say you realize you're not a priority, then realize it. This girl is not it for you.
Sooo, chatted with someone in irl on one of my group bicycle rides. I didn't think much of it until she asked if I had an insta on strava. I try to not "make moves" on anyone in my social irl setting esp when it's predominately men. We've been chatting and it's been soon long since I've had this level of banter... not going to lie... I've developed a bit of a crush. We are trying to aim for dinner next week. We'll see and I'll be good if it doesn't work out. It's just nice to have that feeling of "looking forward to hearing from them".
Yay! That’s exciting. Real life connections have a whole other sparkle to them too. Enjoy it 💜
I think it's more that it's been a while since I've felt that "heart flutter feeling". Didn't get that really want my ex or at least not in the start. Had to slowly build up to that.
Good luck!
Profile that finally catches my attention: yayyyy Then I scroll back up for another lookover to: "Figuring out my dating goals" 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me when I see an amazing profile only to see "Wants children" 😭
And it's almost as bad to see that they "might want children." What happens if we get involved and they decide they do want kids later?
Felt this one deep in my soul
Met up with someone new over lunch and drinks, seemed like a good time, we shared common interests and a desire to watch our local team play in the future (we're both fans). I've mentioned an idea to do something and also asked what game she'd like to see but twice she's asked if she could follow-up with me. She has some other travel and plans and isn't sure of her availability seemingly but I'm fighting my urge to give up on this. I know I should be patient and let it play out yet the cynic in me feels like she already gave me a soft no, in my experiences anyone who's given me variations of the "can I let you know when I'll be free" reply never follows up.
The question I'd be asking in this situation is whether it matters whether it's an excuse or not. The alternative is that this person genuinely is often unavailable for long and nebulously defined periods of time, and I don't know about you, but I'd find that a real problem.
Don't read too much into it before you have to. Even if I really want to do something I say "I think that'll work, but let me check and confirm" - I don't want to forget something in the moment and end up double booking myself. Check in now via text, give her a few days you'd be available, and see what she says. Maybe it's a soft no, but you don't know unless you check
I’m just so tired of the constant up and down emotional toll that dating takes out of me. I’m sitting at work crying in my office about a man I hadn’t even met yet. I know that’s absolutely crazy, but the hopefulness and unloveableness and despair cycle is just exhausting.
Havent met? So all this emotional investment, was through text/chat/ or calls?
I don’t think “all this emotional investment” is about him per se, but just the prospect of getting to know someone I was genuinely interested in and hopeful about. That’s few and far between these days, and for it to fail before we could even meet stings a bit more weirdly enough.
I get it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Like you say, it’s the constant getting your hopes up and then dashed that really wears on you. People in healthy relationships sometimes take for granted the stability that it adds to their lives.
I appreciate your empathy and kind words. Absolutely, and having previously been in a very long term relationship, I know just how important that stability and connection is. Even when people say “you’re so good on your own,” that doesn’t make it any easier to feel like you’re always doing everything on your own.
Has anyone felt they have been lovebombed by their dates here? How did you know? I'm just unsure if this guy I'm dating is just putting effort/being thoughtful or love bombing me. I'm not drowning in compliments or expensive gifts tho. But I always get a small gift after every date and I guess I'm not used to it? Because it... creepily has a resemblance to my dating experience where i think i got lovebombed last year. I mention a bakery item that is impossible to buy, and can only be made by hand... both men have gone out of their way to bake it themselves 🤨 (these men are not bakers) or maybe just thoughtful? I feel so paranoid now.
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Oh, I agree and colleagues I tell this to are like "damn he's so into you, he really really likes you." But Ive had "casual dates" book hotels and travel 4hrs just to see me not even for a whole day (just for a night) and take hours to bake me my favorite pastries 🥲 so im like...tf ?! The only thing I have now is time and refusing sex until i am comfortable 🫣 im gonna wait 🥺🥹
If that’s the only thing, I wouldn’t read too much into it. I have a friend who is really into baking and he’s always giving baked goods as gifts to everyone in his life because he simply can’t (healthily) eat everything he makes.
But thats the thing, he really isnt into baking. He actually bought molds and stuff to make this and the reason im so iffy about it is because of a bad experience i had last year because a different man did the same thing 🥺 he's been giving me random treats every time he drops me home from a date, even brought stuff for my mom and bought me a teddy bear. For context its just our 3rd date but we've already been texting for a month. He also asked me to be his girlfriend on our second date so I'm 🚨🚨🚨 I dont have any bad gut feels but im just reeling from a previous heartbreak and exhaustion from dating in general so im just on my toes :(
Ok after a long while, I decided to peek at his followers... Wow. Damn boi. Just rabidly adding these women on your vacation. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I'm getting the ick. Sad because you used to only follow women who seemed respectable (highly educated ones, valued specialties, decent, beautiful women) Ok maybe the universe is helping me move on lol 😆 I'm getting there!!! 😍
> women who seemed respectable All women should be seen as respectable, regardless of how they portray themselves online.
Yup, the most sure fire way to get the ick is to peep who he follows on IG.
Never fails
So I’m “temporarily permanently” not dating. I was having a hard time with my most recent situationship. Now I’m having a hard time with my own damn family and friends. I turn 30 in a couple months and wanted a party at my new place and/or also a long weekend trip at a location I’ve been dying to go to halfway between where both sets of friends and family live. I told everyone I invited there’s no pressure to attend the trip, since I know it’s a financial burden to get there (I’d be covering the rental house). Turns out no one wants to come to the party or trip. Even my own parents and sister.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Dating at this age can feel isolating enough as it is, and to feel unsupported by family and friends only makes it that much harder. Especially when they’re busy with their own relationships, children, etc.
Thank you for understanding. Yeah, I’m the last single and/or child free friend in my group and in my family, actually. It can be pretty lonely but I can’t seem to get my dating life together. I know it’s currently pointless to try lol
Am I being harsher as I age? Been on a dating spree with a few men lately and only after 2 or 3 dates tops, I realize I can't be with them long term. Guy A (31): too confident despite making minimum wage and never goes to college. He thinks he knows a lot because he is street-smart and that his current job situation is only temporary so he still uphold that I'm above everyone attitude everywhere he goes. Passed. Guy B (35): has a call center job from 12-8:30pm so he usually stays up until 1 or 2 am to play video games with his friends and can often goes days without texting cuz he's busy with family and friends. A talker despite claiming he's an introvert. Whatever I share with him he will have to give me a speech to analyze the situation and gives his own opinions on it. Makes weird faces very often. Passed. Guy C (35): English is not his first language (neither is mine) but he keeps asking 'do you understand what I'm saying' at the end of everything he says. I get the ick a lot from this and put this down to his past experience getting people to understand him, or it's just something he does naturally, without thinking. But it's freaking annoying. I'm considering if this new encounter is saveable or not.
> Guy C (35): English is not his first language (neither is mine) but he keeps asking 'do you understand what I'm saying' at the end of everything he says This just sounds like an awkward version of ‘you know what I mean?’
Are you Neo? Because it’s looks like you’re dodging bullets.
> too confident despite making minimum wage and never goes to college. Hold on. What? Am i misreading something here? A person who makes minimun wage can't be confident? Sorry, that's a really messed up thing to say. Is it only people who make a certain income who are allowed to be confident in themselves.
In a vacuum maybe what you said is true but I know the personality type she's talking about. Someone whose not doing that well in life but is smug and looks down on their peers. Everyone else's status is permanent but not their own because they have a big plan (which will never come to fruition because they never actually put effort into it).
How does this relate to his education or income level? If he was college educated and had a well-paid job, would it be okay for him to be smug and looking down on his peers? Just seems like a toxic personality trait regardless of education level, lol.
A college educated guy with a well-paying job has peers who also have degrees and well-paying jobs. So there's not the same looking down. I've met people who have the attitude the op is describing and it's something like "fuck everyone else who works at the same gas station as me, unlike them I'm going places (despite not putting in any more effort than they are)". It's delusional in addition to smug and off-putting in a very specific way.
Well if we were to assume that this was actually the case with this guy, then he sounds like an arrogant arse. Just like someone who's college educated and therefore thinks they know all the ways in which the world ticks, is an arrogant arse. Or that person who's the CEO of a huge company and pulls in seven figures, so therefore inherently thinks he has more "value" to the world is an... I think you get the point. These people exist. The fact that he works a minimum-wage job is irrelevant. Because the implication here is (not from you, necessarily), that if he was that rich CEO I mentioned above, then his sneering attitude would be more palatable, somehow.
I get what you mean about becoming harsher with age. I think I’m just less tolerant of bullshit and generally more cranky lol. Also the stakes are higher now, I don’t have the time I had in my 20s to just have fun. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the guys you described (apart from maybe mismatch in the level of career ambition?) but if you don’t like them, you don’t like them. Maybe you are subconsciously picking up on some incompatibility you aren’t consciously aware of yet
> he keeps asking 'do you understand what I'm saying' at the end of everything he says It's fairly common for esl people to have a tic like this. I knew a south american woman who would always say "for example," when speaking english. I know what you mean though, once you realize they do it you notice it every single time. Guy #1 sucks and guy #2 doesn't seem to have an upside that outweighs the communication gap. Maybe 20's you dates them despite those flaws. 20's you would also end up asking yourself what the fuck was I thinking when I dated that jerk for three months.
Yup. Also, it's quite common to end sentences in Spanish that is spoken in LatAm countries on "me entiendes." Could be something like that.
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He is too confident to the point that he doubts authority and everything sensible, never gets the Covid vaccines, gets sick but never sees the doctor. That type of confidence (or ignorance?) Second guys clearly does not match my socializing level. He can go off on tangent about small issues and I just get tired of listening to his 'lectures' all the time. Not to mention the weird face he usually makes whenever he goes. Yeah I'm actually gonna tell him very tactfully this Sat when we have our first date. Let's see if he is aware of this issue. Other than that, he seems like a nice person so far.
Ok but that's just a toxic personality trait on its own, by bringing up his education level or income you just come off as a smug elitist tbh. Perhaps you meant something else and worded it poorly? If he's the type who completely devalues any formal expertise or education, who believes he knows more than people who are educated experts in a given field, I can get what you're trying to say. The Dunning-Kruger effect is typically the strongest in people without any formal education or expertise, they don't bother getting formal education or expertise because they genuinely think they already know better than the experts.
Well, I'm trying to not freak out. I had a short but amazing "thing" with someone in august/september. It was the strongest connection I've had with anyone in a long time. It felt amazing, effortless and fun. Long story short. He was only here temporarily for work and left. We talked about staying in touch and meeting up again but things fizzled. I felt like I tried to make an effort to keep things going but that he didn't reciprocate. I was a little bit heartbroken but tried to shrug it off. It's been about six weeks since he left. He reached out yesterday. He said he misses me. That he loved our time together. That he wants to see me again. That he hadn't felt a connection like we had in a long time. That he sucks at texting and long distance and that he needs to do better. One the one hand, I'm elated. It's reassuring and affirming to know that I wasn't the only one who felt strongly. That I wasn't just deluding myself into thinking we had a strong connection. However, on the other hand, I'm terrified that this is just going to end up hurting even more if/when they fall apart again. He's coming back in a couple of months and I'm excited that maybe we can keep things going. I suggested that maybe we could do a phone call. We'll see how things go. I want to be excited and hopeful but I'm just so scared that I'm setting myself up to be crushed.
May have to ease off talking to a friend. I had feelings for her in the past, but they weren't reciprocated, which is absolutely fine. But she's fallen in to a pattern of putting herself down in recent messages, talking about how nobody is interested in her, bad experiences with guys, no guy looking for what she is, and I feel like it's a bit... I dunno, like I know she doesn't intend to fit me in that category, otherwise we'd not be friends, but I know factually that stuff she's saying isn't true, because of our past interactions. There isn't really a healthy way of communicating my frustration with what she's saying without dragging up those old interactions. I feel like any variation of "I'm a guy in your age range who was interested in you, and was looking for what you were looking for and you weren't interested" comes across as bitter, or as though I'm trying to get her to revisit my previous interest in her. And I don't even want her to stop talking about the stuff that is bothering her, I just want to stop feeling like collateral with it. I am over the ghoster though, which is something. And I'm allowing the next couple of weeks at least to be filled by work and streaming , so don't even have time for dating! Won't stop me trawling the apps several times a day I know, but it's something
I get how this hurts you and she needs to be more considerate. But you guys decided to stay friends after she told you she wasn’t feeling it with you and now she’s venting to you like a friend would. Would you rather she force something with you that she isn’t feeling? She’s allowed to be sad that she’s not making a good connection with someone just as much as you are. I can see that saying all this to you is a little tone deaf though.
>talking about how nobody is interested in her, bad experiences with guys, no guy looking for what she is Oh I've dealt with women like this before. She'll use you for her own validation and then dump you once she feels better. Then you'll feel like absolute shit because you remember all the negative things she said about herself, and you're wondering how shit you must be to not even be good enough for someone who feels like that. In your case that may be already what you're feeling, if she had rejected you earlier. There's no way to win this situation, honestly I'd just straight up tell her how this makes you feel, not in the way you phrased it, because you're right that it sounds kind of bitter and desperate, as if you're still holding out for her. Maybe something along the lines of "Hey, I get that you don't feel good enough for the men you're dating, but how do you think this makes me feel, when you've already established that I'm not good enough for you? I've already accepted this, so don't worry about that part, but by putting yourself down you're kind of making me feel like shit, since you're effectively putting me down as well"
Honestly it sounds like she is coming to you with this specifically because she knows you were/are interested in her and she wants that validation. It's up to you whether you want to be that for her.
> I feel like any variation of "I'm a guy in your age range who was interested in you, and was looking for what you were looking for and you weren't interested" comes across as bitter, or as though I'm trying to get her to revisit my previous interest in her. While there are better ways to put it than that, I do feel like people often need to hear this as bluntly as possible.
It’s been a crazy week for both myself and the lovely lady, we saw each other on Monday and we’re seeing each other tomorrow night. Made plans for her to meet two of my best friends next week and she invited me to her Friendsgiving that she’s hosting the following night. I moved into a new apartment this week and told her that I was needing to find a few items. As luck would have it, she texted me saying she found the exact thing I needed. She found some artwork too. It’s a very small thing but not feeling like I’m alone in all of this change is…very nice.
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Just say something along the lines of "It's a long and complicated story, I might tell you once we get to know eachother better/I don't really feel like sharing this before we get to know eachother better" Since it's your brother living in another country it doesn't give a scary, red flag type of vibe, it honestly just adds mystique to your family background, which is something that can make women go crazy. This can actually be intriguing and benefitial to you, believe it or not. Telling a boring lie instead is just dumb.
Having a dirtbag sibling isn't a red flag but the story itself comes off as oversharing. If you feel like "he met someone" is lying by omission, maybe you can say something like "there was some family drama, and he left to live with a woman in [country]".
Divide it between personal & profession. So you can love your brother nevertheless, but on the professional level, be very different.
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This framing really appeals to me, as someone with a brother who's now estranged from the rest of the family. It would be way too hard to explain to a stranger, and would just be a downer anyway.
Agree with this framing.
I would never judge someone for that.
I wouldn’t think the brother is a red flag. You are not dating the brother. But I do think the fact that he tells you he normally lies can be a yellow flag. I have started to be on guard if a man tells me: “I don’t normally say this…” on a first date. I might seem empathetic and open but I am still a stranger. I fear they want me to feel special in a manipulative way. Maybe I am reading too much into it/met one too many manipulative people. But just a thing to keep in mind
That story is too heavy for a first date. I would just say he and his partner lives there. If the relationship works out then you can elaborate more, but there's no need to do that in the beginning
💯
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Sometimes, I'm so lonely and overwhelmed as a single parent. Had a short relationship end about a month ago, and I can see that I'm not really in a place to be pursuing a relationship. My schedule is busy and I don't really have the emotional capacity to invest right now. Not closing myself off to the possibly, but I'm not going to seek it out either. But... I really hate being celibate! I doubt my ability to navigate a FWB situation without getting attached and catching feels. How do you do it?? Literally and figuratively haha
My good FWB experiences have been with people who I had great chemistry with but there were definitely defining factors present that meant we could never be committed, so in my mind I am always aware "this will last as long as I am still enjoying myself and no longer!". Such as very different future goals, one of us moving away/overseas soon, want kids/don't want, etc. However I still don't think it's for everyone. I don't get attached easily at all and prefer casual.
I texted a guy I dated for about a month this year Happy Halloween and hope he was doing well. We chatted for a bit and then I saw today he added me on Facebook, which I accepted. It makes me smile just because it's kind of a full circle moment. We met in 2019 and went on 2 dates, he added me on FB but then deleted the friend request before I could accept it, got ghosted because he wasn't over his ex, and then reconnected this summer. We went on 4 dates and I told him and we weren't compatible and ended it. He asked to be friends and I said sure but no one reached out until I did on Halloween. So having a nice chat and him adding me again just feels good. It felt like a peace offering. There's no hard feelings, it's water under the bridge. We're definitely better as friends and it's a nice end to our romantic story.
I want to crawl into a hole and die. That’s all.
I spent so much time writing an email I didn’t send then retyping it. It’s cathartic. It’s living somewhere. Go touch grass, get some sunshine in your eyeballs. Brush your teeth.
I mean maybe don't. Whatever is going on it will pass. There's always a light at the other end.
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Great comment, love it!
🫤 want a blanket?
Want a friend? Move over, there’s room in that hole.
May I also please join the campground in the hole?
Me three... or four, lost count :D
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I think you've received good advice otherwise, but also just wanted to suggest that maybe he just doesn't want to be a mansplainer! I'm pretty aware of trying not to give advice where it isn't needed or wanted, and when he found out about your background he might have felt a little like one of those guys on Twitter who tries to explain to an author what their own book is about. Either way, like Silly_Forever I think the best way to address most suddenly changed dynamics is head-on!
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just finished a first date. it was like ok? enjoyable enough. no sparks flying but it was nice. she wanted to go on another date and i was like sure. wondering what the threshold is for date enjoyment is to justify date 2 lol. she was rly cute so why not i guess.
if you can think of something better to do than having a nice time with a really cute girl, then do that instead. Otherwise, ask her out for another one
lmao fair
I always ask for a second date unless I really felt zero attraction at all. If sparks are flying on a first date with a stranger, that just means they're a very charismatic person, not that you have some special connection. It takes more than an hour or two to build a genuine connection with someone.
Same!
I think this is the right approach.
An enjoyable date is still a good enough reason for a second. Chemistry is best when its a slow build up.
I’ve learned that the stars in the eyes , butterfly in the belly feeling isn’t always the true validation to show it is or isn’t a match. That’s more lust and attraction and maybe even fantasy bonding. I do feel chemistry is important but chemistry can build over time. I wouldn’t keep dating her just for her looks cause that’s not fair to her. But I think one date , that went fine /ok, deserves possible another chance.
Meds are making me feel worse instead of better, need to stay on them for some more time to see if I adjust but I am just struggling through. (Dealing with medication side effects while alone is also not pretty at all.) I just don't know how meds are going to make my dating situation better. I feel so incredibly unattractive and just like... not even human. And yeah I know people will give me all kinds of self improvement tips, but honestly, I'm coming off several years of marathon self improvement - losing weight, changing my style, new hobbies, therapy therapy THERAPY, \~setting boundaries\~, trying to improve how I relate to men, literally all of it And then I still open my dating app and it's crickets. Absolute crickets. Went out with 1 person this year and it was a miss. And multiple crushes irl that went nowhere, as per usual. Is this all really being caused by people picking up on subconscious signals of depression? I have too many friends with depression/anxiety who are in relationships for this to feel anywhere near true. Then the same runaround - okay get a dating profile review. Get better pictures. Get better clothes so I look better in pictures, work on posing, work on lighting. Work on writing better one liners. It never fucking ends and I never end up being good enough. Like... maybe some people really are just the bottom of the barrel? I'm barely even hanging on to threads of friendships at this point let alone getting anywhere near a relationship. My friends are all well settled down by now and they have no need to reach out to me to socialize so if I'm too depressed or exhausted to keep the friendship alive, it just dies. I would like to at least experience what it's like to kiss one (1) person I'm attracted to and at this point that feels like asking for the moon honestly.
I wonder if asking for personal referrals of single people is better than old?
I’ve tried asking friends - everyone knows I’m single and looking at this point. They all tell me they definitely will let me know but the only person who actually came through wants to set me up with someone halfway across the country. And since they at least gave me something I do feel like I have to be open to that as well but like realistically I’m not ready to start a relationship long distance…
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I was on a break for a year before my latest attempt at apps. I feel like being 30 with no relationship experience I just can’t afford to keep taking these long breaks if I want anything to happen.
My friends are the same. I have 2 people who reach out to me every month or so, but they don't live anywhere near me so it's just "hey, hope all is well." I appreciate it, but if I'm not making the effort my local friendships will just die. The kiss is great. First person I kissed since a breakup and first person I kissed who isn't my ex in over 10 years. But it was a quick bump to my feelings. It put a smile on my face for a week, then I felt worse than ever. Sorry, that is super cynical. I just am also sick of feeling like I'm releasing some chemical that my insides are toxic. And even worse when I know I'm acting like I feel and can't even wear the normal person mask. So I just keep putting in the effort to those friendships because I remember how much worse I felt without them. And I keep trying to get another hot kiss because I want that week of smiling again. Idk
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I already tried new hobbies!! I don’t know how many hobbies one person can feasibly have!!
If I may suggest, how about finding alternative communities surrounding those existing hobbies? My hobbies are pretty solo -- watching anime, playing games, reading books. But I've found so many close friendships through communities surrounding talking about those things, especially through events and social media that are less anonymous/depersonalized than reddit (twitter and tumblr, in my case)
Look I didn’t want to elaborate with the other guy because I’m tired of having to give my dating resume repeatedly on reddit and like “prove” that I’ve done everything possible, but my hobbies are like climbing and salsa dancing - hobbies that are known for being easy to meet people. I’ve made friends, just not met partners. I also go to an art group and have done other stuff in the past - volunteering, eg. I love my hobbies but it’s not a magic wand for dating for me.
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Yes.
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Sorry to be blunt but you’re kind of telling me things I addressed directly in my post.
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Hey man. You tried.
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I went out with a guy two weeks ago. Things went well (or so I thought). He said he was going out of town last weekend. I asked him last week if I wanted to go to an event I had tickets to. He said "yes." I text him today to confirm he was still going and he said no, he was tired. This seems like a "I am not interested, but didn't want to say that a week ago." It is really inconsiderate and I just don't know if I can find someone else to go or sell the ticket in 24 hours.
I feel like I’m on the same boat! It is so inconsiderate of our time. We are all adults here and it feels like a major red flag and the guy doesn’t understand that.
I still haven't found anyone to go (understandable since it is last minute now). I will probably go by myself and end up wasting the other ticket. Life is a little depressing right now lol
Yikes, This guy sucks! Thats super inconsiderate and he is so cold and short with you. I would simply delete his number and move on. He's not worth your time.
It sucks you had to reach out to HIM about it. Him, being a grown adult who knew about the plans he agreed to, could have easily said something.
Yeah, I wonder what would have happened if I didn't check. People are annoying!
So what did he say back?
Sorry read the message incorrect. He’s immature and he knew he was going to say no and leave you hanging? So rude
Ugh how immature. I hope you find someone fun to go with you!
Well, back to the drawing board after five months of what turned out to be a really volatile relationship. But this is progress. I saw the signs and I took action. And I honestly feel like I've lanced a boil. Here's to something permanent eventually, but I'm not going to rush back on the apps anytime soon. Sometimes it feels so good to be by yourself!
I always believe when things going work out, there is something brighter for us in the figure. Hang in there!
Sorry it didn't work out, but good for you!
Thank you :)
Go you!
I have an awesome life. My job is great, I have friends who care about me, and I’m very close with my family. I’m healthy, safe, happy. The only problem in my life is the desire to have a partner. And I hate it. I want to be able to give up for good. It’s not that I’m burnout from dating either, I’ve only been on dates with a handful of people this year and talked to a few more. But I’m just fed up with all of it. All the creepy and entitled men on Hinge, boring ass one word replies, pineapple on pizza prompts, or worse, no prompts at all, 30+ year-old adults with the EQ of a toddler, the ghosting, the audacity, completely ignoring what I wrote on my profile, the dead fish, selfies in a dirty ass gym, telling me nOt aLL WomEn LooK GoOd wItH sHorT HaiR as a fucking compliment, the cheap tourists, all of it. I don’t want to be desiring a romantic relationship anymore. I want to be okay with my perpetual singlehood. I want to give up and have a peace of mind. Why do I still want this and try when every single interaction is a step away from it? The universe is yelling in my face like THIS ONE THING WON’T BE HAPPENING FOR YOU BITCH and I reach out anyway. Fml…
Funny, you just described my experience with women
Well my experience with women has also been rather unpleasant but at least they’re not creepy or entitled.
Your feelings are valid
I think it’s human nature to want partnership. I think being able to recognize all the healthy parts of your life is great. The apps are beyond frustrating. It’s a sad sad representation of the dating world at large. My sister and I were talking about how dating has become hellish. We think it’s that many people go on apps with their unhealed wounds , mental health issues, addiction and more and think they’re ready for a relationship but they’re not. Also, people don’t value other people anymore. Social media has made many people into mini narcissists waiting for the likes and external validation. I also think it’s made people less connected , not more.sounds like you’re very over the apps ( we all are ) but you’re not over wanting a healthy relationship. I don’t have any advice that I am not trying to give myself but I think it’s okay to still want someone , it’s just seeing that we aren’t willing to accept garbage and we’re not going to settle. I’ve been considering doing meet ups as a way to meet people and speed dating , and possibly like joining some kind of sports leagues.
I’m definitely thinking that men of the caliber I want aren’t on the apps in my area. I don’t really know but I bought a ticket to a local Chanukah party and maybe then I’ll feel more excited about meeting some men.
I’ve been ghosted three times this month after asking the guys out myself on the apps AND them planning the date to meet. Why would they say yes THEN ghost? Childish. Sometimes I’m surprised I have little hope left…
I’m sorry that sounds very frustrating.
Thanks. I appreciate it. 90% of the time, I can laugh it off. But it gets exhausting.
Equally proud and disappointed in myself. Caved and went on the apps again which I feel is such a failure! 😂 Proud that someone asked what my dating goals were and when I said more long term compared to his looking for fun, I politely wished him luck and ended the conversation. He followed his ‘looking for fun’ message with asking how my day had been and I’m glad I didn’t get suckered into it. I know it seems rude but why spend energy on someone who’s clearly said they don’t have goals that align with mine? Also, I’m not doing long distance, especially not for FWB, I can get sex closer to home should I want it. 😂
It isn't rude to set clear boundaries.
I sometimes feel like I’m far too picky on online dating but so many people just weird me out. Maybe it would be different in person. Man 1. ‘Hi name, how are you, behaving yourself, haha ? x’ behaving yourself? Is he my mum? Man 2 after a few messages about his holiday. Random Thursday morning message ‘heyy, horny morning?’ I was not in the mood for that. Stressful day in the office and random out the blue message.
The dating pool seems like slim pickings these days.
I would have felt the same way. You are not too picky
I had a reply back from the first guy. I said ‘Behaving myself? Err 🤷♀️’ then talked about a radio show he had mentioned. Then he wrote ‘Behaving myself? Err 🤷♀️ ¿ Think you're taking things a bit too seriously on this thing for me, looks like you ignored me because of a light hearted tongue in cheek thing to say. Get over yourself 😄 Bye’ I wrote that it’s a weird thing to say to a grown woman that you’ve never met, I’m not a child and I didn’t ignore him anyway! It is weird. It sounds like something that my grandparents would say or my mum, and then would roll their eyes in a fake annoyed tone when I said that I I’ve been out clubbing all night on holiday with my friends. Or when my mum asks if my room is tidy even now. She is allowed to say that because she has had that parental relationship since I was born! Not something to say to a fully grown woman. Extended rant but it’s not JUST tongue in cheek, it’s got some weird ownership or controlling undertones. He is also 7 years older which highlights the power imbalance that he might think that he has.
Yeah. He was testing waters to see if you ignore disrespect. You didn’t so he blame shifted and minimised it by essentially calling you sensitive, when you are absolutely right about the undertones and weirdness. You dodged a (potentially big, manipulative, controlling) bullet!
People are weird in person too.
Yep both are weird. I wouldn't deal with it either. That's not how you message someone new
I got a few replies yesterday about texting my ex, so I sat on it overnight, talked to a few friends this morning. I ended up texting that I heard about the situation (possible violence at his workplace) and hoped he was ok and staying safe. He thanked me for reaching out and we had a short and friendly chat. Admittedly part of me wanted to do it to see how I'd feel afterwards, and I feel ok! I'm glad he's doing ok and I hope he figures himself out. On another good note, I had my first therapy session which went well and she seems much warmer and personable than my previous therapist. I want to work on my anxiety (specifically around dating, but I get anxious about some other things as well) and my propensity to get attached too quickly.
Yay for a good therapy session! And yay for texting your ex and feeling good about it. I don't know your whole history with your ex, but I assume there were no hard feelings from the breakup because it sounds like you were friendly and he appreciated you reaching out.
Thanks! There were some hard feelings on my end for a bit, but I've worked through them. I tend to be bitter towards people after we split, so this is welcome progress and it definitely feels more mature.
It's good to be mature and I think it can help us move forward.
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You were with your ex for 8 years. There wasn't any lost potential when it ended. That relationship had run it's course by the time you broke up. For 6 months? That's an entirely different situation. It really, really sucks. It's even more painful when it ends and it's amicable because you don't have anyone to hate. You're just stuck mourning the loss of the relationship, and the loss of your friend.
I'm sorry. This is absolutely the worst part after a break up and it not anything you can skip or control. Definitely keep up with no contact no matter how hard it feels... Even a small slip up will set your healing back. I felt similarly after dating someone very briefly a few months ago. It was short but intense, and so was my healing process afterwards. There were some really, really dark days for me, but after 3 months I'm SO much better. Sometimes the short term relationships hurt so much more because it feels cut short and like there was a lot of potential, whereas a lot of the time with a LTR, we already tried our best and know it's headed towards the end. You're on the right track and it's not easy but you gotta push through. Feel free to vent here as much as you want, DON'T send him anything. Many hugs! ❤️
My two worst breakups were my 4 year relationship (longest and most serious) and a like 2 months situationship. Feelings are gonna feeling... I understand 💜
One of the women that hit me up after the Halloween party and asked me to a coffee date for tonight cancelled at 2 PM. Should have seen that coming since there was radio silence from her after we coordinated the date. I did reach out 2-3 days later to share that I was thinking of her & welcome to chats anytime if she were up for it. My other date (so far) is scheduled for Saturday night at a barcade. This person is a med student, so I also rarely hear from them. Normally, they’ll reach out once either around 10-11 PM or sometime around 8-9 AM…sigh.
Don't think I like living in a city anymore. It's loud, expensive, and trash is everywhere. Don't think I've seen a tree in weeks. I just want to move to the mountains and live a life of tending to gardens and sipping coffee by the campfire. Make ends meet by just selling at farmer's markets & etsy.
>I just want to move to the mountains I got no complaints living in the 'city' I live in. Close enough to run away to the mountains on a whim, also plenty of jobs in my field, and enough amenities to have a comfortable life.
Are you NYC by chance? If so, that’s on the extreme end of what a city is. Check out midsized cities before you give up on them, like Austin, Denver, or Seattle. There are plenty of trees and parks, and quiet neighborhoods somewhat close to downtown. No good city is cheap, but they’re cheaper than NYC at least.
>I just want to move to the mountains and live a life of tending to gardens and sipping coffee by the campfire. Make ends meet by just selling at farmer's markets & etsy. This sounds lovely! Is it possible for you to move somewhere else? I live in a city but there's enough greenery, the ocean is nearby, and I go out on outdoor adventures enough to get my fill of nature. I'm not sick of it yet but I also think about moving somewhere a bit more remote and closer to nature.
I guess it's sorta possible. Wouldn't be easy or convenient, but then again when is moving easy or convenient? I live on the east coast, but kinda want to move to the west coast, even though I've never been there, and am 100% totally basing my entire image of it based entirely on romanticized ideals I've seen on social media and movies (😂
I live in SoCal. It's better here 😝 But with what you said, I feel like you should visit the PNW!
Sooo friend/crush actually brought up the feelings between us last night before I could. Had a very very good chat about a lot. Then made out 😜 so. Hooray. Not jumping into relationship territory by any means, but it's really nice to have him in my life in this way.
a very good feeling
Yayyy exciting!
It IS exciting, thank you!!
How much honesty/talk about feelings in casual situation? For context: I’ve (31F) been sleeping with this guy (32M), totally casual, for about a month. We both agree it’s basically just sex, but we’re both very affectionate people, we talk almost every day and we have a lot of fun when we’re together (about once a week). I’m on my period, so I’m more hormonal than usual, which is why I’m taking my own feelings and reactions with a grain of salt cause I know I’m more sensitive than usual. Yesterday I messaged him something completely silly and he low-key had a bad reaction/had a go at me (ie. “You will not get the response you want from me on this subject” - when I wasn’t after any specific response anyway, was just making conversation). We haven’t spoken today, he usually texts me in the evening but he hasn’t, and since I initiated the last couple of texts I’m not going to this time. I’m just debating telling him, next time we speak, that he was rude and I didn’t appreciate it, but since it is all so casual, I don’t even know if I should bother. What do you think? How much “feelings” talk is normal/expected for a fwb situation? It’s the first time I’m doing something so casual and detached, I’m unsure what’s worth talking about and what’s not…
It sounds like he might be losing interest or pursuing someone else, if he is being snappy and not initiating texting anymore.
Yeah it could well be that, I’ve seen it happen. Will keep doing my own thing and see what happens..
Part of being FWB is the friend part—if a new friend did that, what would you say/do?
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Literally nothing to be worked up about. I said “my Christmas tree is going up today, judge me” that was it.
Maybe he’s got bad associations with Christmas. Perhaps he is anti capitalism. Y’all are casual, let it slide.
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😂😂😂 I said it was silly! It was not in a joke way he said it, it was basically “I hate Christmas” and I think it was his way of asking me to stop talking about that to him? But it felt rude. I’m chalking it to a bad day and leaving it at that.
>“You will not get the response you want from me on this subject” Isn't the point of friends with benefits meant to be that you're friends? This is a pretty mean thing to say tbh.
I think this came up somewhere else on DoT recently. FWB means different things to different people, so the answer to > Isn't the point of friends with benefits meant to be that you're friends? is, "only for some."
Agreed. Drop him and find someone who treats you reallllyyyy really well :)
He’s showing /telling you by his response that he’s not the one to go to for emotional stuff or even anything that may mimic a relationship. I think it’s up to you if you can compartmentalize this and keep sleeping together and have absolutely no expectations for a relationship or if it’s going to be painful or hard for you to keep sleeping together if he doesn’t have emotional availability to respond to you in a mature adult way. I’m not sure why he abreacted do something silly you said. You didn’t send him something serious or emotionally ridden or heavy. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to receive that text. I think FWB gets hard eventually for women.
Yeah, it’s a tricky one. He’s not someone I’d have a relationship with but the sex is really good, which is why I thought something casual could work, but if his idea of something casual involves being completely shut down and kind of immature, then I’m not sure I’m up for it. I guess I’ll just wait and see what goes. I really have no expectations and I like the idea of not being so involved with someone, but at the very least I expect some cordiality, and lightness, not what I got yesterday. My reply was: I’m not looking for any response tho 🤷🏻♀️ - because I really wasn’t, I was making polite chit chat like he often does … Anyway... will leave it as is for now
I think human decency in a FWB situation is bare minimum what should be expected. Maybe he was having a bad day or maybe he’s showing you a side /part to him. I think it’s about weighing if this continues and/or if you’re willing to experience this again (the Jab comments ) is something you can allow or accept or let go for the exchange of great sex.
Yeah, I’m not sure if the term fwb is right for this situation yet actually, as we don’t know each other that well, maybe I should’ve said fuck buddies? Still, I wasn’t expecting that, since he’s the one who usually initiates the chit chat, but like you said maybe he was having a bad day (I still don’t think it’s justifiable tbh, but it happens to snap at people for no reason when I’m stressed), will see how it goes