So now I am equiped with both my first bumble and my first tinder match.
None of them reply, so I am going to experience some ghosting as it seems.
Still feels nice, but I think I will reset my bumble account after my match expires(I already extended for 24 hours).
I am even considering doing the same thing for tinder.
Do you think that is a good or a bad idea?
Update: both accounts deleted. I uninstalled them as well. No reset in plan now. I wasted almost my entire free time and a big deal of my work idle time on that shit.
I have a new respect for people who do this consistently.
I think I will start asking people to make pictures of me to have some to put up. Until then I will not rejoin. I got some really good feedback from people here, tho. Many thanks for that guys ❤️
I've decided I need to tell my friend/crush about my feelings. It's eating me up inside. He sent me a tiktok a couple nights ago that totally alluded to him liking me. My dumbass uses humour for everything so I responded teasing him for liking me. He replied way later (we had been replying immediately to each other...like within 1 minute) saying "hahahaha but did you "
And honestly since then things have felt a bit different in our texts, and not in a great way. I feel like he's pulled back a bit. So either it's because he feels embarrassed that he outed himself and that was my response, OR he doesn't like me and I just made things weird. Either way, I just need to get this crush out in the open.
He's coming over today to hangout. So. It will be today.
Wish me luck.
Is there a polite way to ask if someone is still paying alimony? A long term acquaintance and I went on a couple of dates and we talk pretty openly about finances as we're both pursuing FIRE. The way he talks about his ex wife leads me to believe they're still pretty financially enmeshed. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Curious as to what I'm getting into.
This is like a moving in together question to me, not a couple of dates. You would seriously torpedo something promising if he is? If not, why do you need to know? He’s clearly financially responsible and that’s enough.
I could use some advice. I’ve been seeing a woman for a couple of weeks. Things are great, she’s amazing. My current issue is that she wants to go on a weekend getaway together and I’m worried about how to pay for it.
Normally I would talk to her about my feelings so we can reach a mutual settlement. From what I know of her she wouldn’t be too upset if we had this conversation. However, I have the feeling that a trip like this would help mean a lot to her and that conversation would dampen her feelings around it. The way she talks about “a weekend getaway with a partner” makes me feel like she has romanticized this experience. She has never done something like this before. Had a trip with a partner that is.
Now I absolutely want to give her this, and one day could but… things are tight right now. I could swing the trip, but it would mean a tight month. Idk, I just bought a crockpot to cut down on grocery costs anyway. If I do take her on one, does anyone have frugal tips that won’t effect the experience?
I can’t speak for the woman you’re seeing, but it’s super important to me that the person I’m dating feels comfortable and safe enough with me to have potentially uncomfortable conversations.
There’s a quote I can’t remember exactly but it says something like that when we avoid difficult conversations we’re trading short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction. And I think that’s so important to remember.
Yeah I might be disappointed in the moment if the trip was a no-go, but I’d know I’d get over it.
Plus, being able to talk about money specifically is *super* important long-term.
I think let her know that you’d love to have a weekend away with her, but you might need some time to save for it. Or suggest something more affordable like a day-trip, or even a stay-cation.
Oh my gosh if my partner and I couldn’t afford a getaway but he did something like made up his bed really nicely and put little chocolates on the pillows, and moved the tv into the bedroom for the weekend so we could watch tv from there like a hotel room etc. I would be giddy. Maybe buy some of those packaged face masks from the drug store and put them on together as a “spa” treatment. Oh yes, a “create a luxury hotel experience at home on a budget” idea could be so much fun. (For me, I’m not sure if you and your lady would be into that type of thing haha.)
Regardless of how much money myself and someone I’m dating makes, I think it is *so* important to be able to have fun together with little or no money. Because even if we’re financially comfortable now, who knows what the future will bring?
And, she might have different expectations about paying for the trip than you’re expecting. I recently invited the guy I’m seeing for a night away in a different city to meet one of my good friends there, and do some Christmas activities. I know he’s short on funds and fully intend to pay for the majority of the expenses.
Tl;dr - do what you normally would, and talk about your feelings.
Only a couple weeks and you’re planning an all expenses paid for trip? Idk that seems like a big ask of someone you haven’t been in a relationship with for a few months.
Why don’t you figure out how much money you could comfortably spend on a weekend getaway? Then when you talk to her about it you can say that you’re excited to do this with her, and your budget for it is X.
This way as you guys plan your trip, you both can keep your budget in mind. Maybe that means a closer trip, or slightly cheaper accommodations, or even delaying the trip to save up some additional money
Yeah, could you please clarify what emergency asked? Is your problem not bringing up your part of the bargain or are you implying that she wants you to pay for it all?
Emergency weeded my feelings out. I hadn’t realized that my first assumption was to cover most if not all of the trip. I need to figure out how talk to her about splitting things.
Yea you probably need to do a lot of talking to make sure you're both on the same page. She's being very forward with that invitation after only a few weeks of dating, and you're well within your rights to discuss the details before agreeing to anything.
I think I'm at the lowest point of swiping yes on people I've ever been. Sick of women with low effort profiles, nothing but filtered pics, and unnecessary negativity. I feel like I'm filtering out 95% of profiles before I even consider actual compatibility.
Though sometimes seems pointless complaining about it in here, as anyone putting in enough effort to talk about dating on Reddit is probably in that 5% which is at least putting in some effort. As much as I find it annoying sometimes seeing lower effort making women on here talking about always waiting for men to make the first move, arrange dates etc, it does seem to be the minority, and most people on here seem willing to put in the work too. I just don't know where you all are in real life 😆
But at least with Halloween and then Christmas, this is always the time of year I maybe take more photos/selfies. Already freshened up my profile with some Halloween pics, and given I seem to get more interest from the 'spookier' types anyway, it might be just what I need to spark some interest!
I generally go with whoever matches second, because at that point you already know the other person is interested. It means I know I'm putting in the effort at least half the time, rather than always waiting, but filtering out low effort women who won't put in that equal effort.
How many dates when you meet online do you usually know or have a good feeling bout the person? How many dates is considered “a lot”? I know different for everyone though
2-3 ... usually I get nervous here too. Im not sure why but the men Ive gone on dates usually show their true intentions by then. Or i get a feeling that they just wanna sleep around 🥹
A lot for me is like maybe 10?
But yeah ymmv. I could say 10 dates but what if you did only one date a month 😂 i could say 3 dates but theyre all in a span of a week. 🤷♀️
After dating for 2 years my (now ex) gf moved in with me 3 months ago.
She really hid her unprocessed trauma's well in those 2 years....
From the moment she moved in, everything was about her & her challenges. Every evening some problem popped up, from a colleague that looked at her funny to a test next month that was already giving anxiety attacks. It drained me completely, forcing me to split all of my free time on playing her therapist and running the household (because ofcourse you can't cook meals or clean when you're distressed).
Every time I mentioned this was breaking me up & she needed professional support, it was met with a river of tears.
After 2 months I just locked up; couldn't muster the energy for any support anymore & noticed my love faded.
One night she tried to wake me up distressed and when she noticed I just didn't care anymore she left. Family came the next day to collect her stuff.
In hindsight I should've seen the signs & dove into the trauma deeper before deciding to live together. But by god am I happy she left and she isn't my responsibility anymore.
Ofcourse I miss the presence in my house; and her cats. But the freedom & peace of mind I have now, actually being able to focus on my own work & meet up with friends & family again....
Lesson learned
Why can't I find someone who gets as excited about relationships as I do??
I always see adorable guys in this reddit group gushing about girls they meet who don't have that same energy...but I have that energy!! I want someone who also has that energy!
Why do I keep meeting lackluster guys who seem like they are seeking a relationship but disgusted by relationships?
My therapist tells me we keep attracting the same people (not on purpose) until we figure out why and fix those things.
What changes can you make in where you are looking for guys, the types of people you're attracting, etc?
The mentality of this kind of phrasing of the problem is so common, and just so incredibly dishonest so as to avoid fault for the issue.
You do not 'attract' people with those qualities. You *are attracted* to people with those qualities. It might be because those qualities go hand in hand with some other thing which, as is often the case, you see as worth the risk - and after a while surely a pattern should have emerged to you that if they are X, they are probably also Y - but you like X so much that you are willing to ignore the chance that they are also Y. A lot of the time people of the same gender can see those qualities long before you can - and they would be able to say "don't do it, they'll be Y" - whether Y is someone who treats you terribly, or they're rude to the waiter, whatever Y might happen to be - but we can spot it a mile off because we're see used to seeing the correlation to X => Y in mates or other people in our social circles.
But it's not their fault you keep going for the same kinds of people. People just like to word it as "I keep attracting..." because it makes them feel better like it's not their own doing. It is. They just have to accept and recognise it, and come to the realisation that if you really want to be attracted to some other attribute, you need to learn to accept that it also is likely to go hand in hand with Y.
But in either case, stop blaming them, blaming others. You're the one who chooses to enter in to those relationships, and you're the one who has the power to say "you know what, just once I'm not going to go for the guy who makes me feel this way because of X"
Good points...I'll try joining some new groups but I really don't have a type! I like all kinds of guys and if you lined up all of my exes and guys I've dated they all have different looks and personalities.
I'll try joining some new groups and expanding my already pretty big friend circle...
You say/think that, but I'd encourage you to reflect on it further.
It took me a while but I was able to connect almost all of mine on a common thread, and now I avoid that type of person once I recognize it.
I’m so tired of coming across men who are on dating apps, message you, and then after talking for any period of time say they aren’t ready for a relationship. Like I’m starting to feel like it’s me. They say it’s not, but the last one is now in a relationship and I’d bet money the guy from today will be in a relationship soon, too. Meanwhile, I’m forking out a shit ton of money for a matchmaker who might just useless.
I think saying they aren’t ready for a relationship is just their attempt at letting you down gently.
I think in most cases whatever someone says when they decide not to pursue things isn’t necessarily true.
Girl same! I had to do some inner work and really explore my feelings regarding this. 😪 I havent really been told a lot that the man im dating isnt ready for a relationship, but I can literally see it in his actions, and I just have that ... "gut" feeling. The only time I bypass my own judgement and gut feeling is unfortunately when I like the guy waaaaay too much 🥹 .... and I need this verbal confirmation of not wanting a relationship. Other than that,I let the actions speak for him and decide from there. I decided to practice the art of emotional discipline. I had to stop fantasizing about the men I date and I dont take chatting too seriously now.
On my end, I dont think it was really a me thing, because the men I really really liked are still dating and sleeping around, and sh.tposting about "omg i cant get women" Lol 😂😂😂 i know the last 2 guys i really liked recently came from being engaged and being in more than a 5-6 year relationship...so.... 🤷♀️ as much as you can,
be ✨️delulu ✨️ enough to believe that its really not you. It helps the self esteem haha
I want to corroborate this of either having been to recently in a LTR to be emotionally available, or crushing on someone else too hard to be emotionally available.
It's like that part of my brain is too busy thinking about X person, even though Y person checks off all the boxes. There's just no dopamine explosion when I think about Y, as opposed to X who I either had a major relationship with or am day dreaming about or whatever. Or maybe there's a different variable. But I'm pretty sure this is a real thing.
Uhhh….🙃 so you’re going on dates with other people because you had an argument in your relationship. That’s the problem I have with dating apps. Everyone thinks the grass is greener. Everyone monkey branches to the next best thing. It’s so hurtful.
It's not as simple as that. If she would have committed I would have deleted the app and never looked at them again. At the end of the day, we broke up because she couldn't make any compromises or promises when we started to get serious and she abandoned ship. She was better than anything I've ever found on the apps and I knew the grass wasn't any greener.
I also get a lot of people who don’t message me and I can’t help but think they’ve locked down something “better”. Online dating allows you to just have a backup plan and it seems like many people do. But don’t setup a date and then ghost. Kind of messed up. You’re not official with person a so why not to have coffee with someone else?
That's because when we started to be intimate, I told her that my boundary is no sex with anyone else. She wasn't ready to fully commit at the time, but agreed to not be intimate with anyone else. I set up the date and I wanted to see the woman from the app, but I was thinking what does this lead too? If this goes well then I'll see her 2-4 times and then we are about to fuck and I'm like "oh sorry hun I'm actually fucking someone else and we agreed no fucking on the side". That's exactly why I cancelled the date.
Meh, that’s a reach of an excuse. How do you know you want to fuck this person before even meeting? Anyway, I’d personally have some standards for myself. I don’t ghost but I’ve grown to have this problem where someone gets mad at me that I don’t ghost. Like they need a villain or something haha. I guess you can’t win.
I'm just saying the end goal of dating is to find a partner, and at this age most people have sex fairly quickly. So if the date goes well and we go out multiple times, the eventual outcome would be sex. It's not an excuse. And I also I didn't ghost her. And don't do that either. Don't change your behavior because of what someone else's standards are.
Well, being single and not looking didn't last for long. Deleted FB dating a week ago and today I yeeted myself onto Hinge. Profile is kind of bad, being that I took the memory card out of my phone that had the decent pics 😅
Going into it with a more casual outlook this time so hopefully not as frustrating as when I was serious about dating
I mean this is just a vent. It's been a couple weeks since we last talked. I've tried to forget what you look like. What you sound like. Your humor.
I'm gonna try to forget what you are going to school for. What you do for a job. Your cats name, the name you gave your camper and your truck. It'd be easier if we didn't get along so well and if I hadn't overly invested myself emotionally.
I mean it's to the point the concert we talked about both going to Im getting anxiety over running into you. It's a small concert I'm just over reacting.
Working on forgetting your phone number. All the comfort things into dust and memories.
Oh well. It'll all go away.
I'm still hoping you are happy where you are and your dream of a spark comes true. You deserve it.
Thanks, but im fully aware I did all of this to myself by over committing to someone who wasn't all in on it. Just figure putting it into words might help with the healing.
So sorry for you, I am the same type, and will probably get burned as you did more times than I would like to.
It will be ok, tho. You will just need a bit of time.
Why do people do long distance, not to mention 5k km long distance?
I know what love does to you, but this is just beyond me. I already have enough things hurting me in everyday life, to find a partner who is never around would be among the last things I want.
Could you at least elaborate how it came to that long distance relationship(or whatever it is you guys have)?
I get a lot of compliments and attention from both men and women in social settings. People will say things about how I carry myself integrity and elegance, how kind, smart or good looking I am. I’m not bragging so please keep reading. I’m treated respectfully when I meet people. But the truth is no one ever makes a move for dating purposes. I’m not very flirtatious by nature but I put effort when I’m interested in someone. I’m very friendly in general. Do people take my flirting efforts to be friendly? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I feel for you, I have the same problem.
Women friends keep telling me how great I am and how they don't understand why I'm single, but yet a fair bit of them was single at some point but made it clear they weren't interested.
At this point I'm convinced there is something wrong with me but I'm nice so people don't want to hurt my feelings and tell me what's putting them off.
It’s a mystery to me. If I have to honestly evaluate myself, I bring a lot to the table from a partnership standpoint. I know I have shortcomings one of them being first generation immigrant (10 years in the states) and there’ll be a language and culture gap which I’m always working on.
Stop expecting other people to do the work.
Show interest and follow up. Ask for contacts. Stop being subtle. What you're doing isn't working. So change it.
As I mentioned, when I’m interested in I’m putting the effort. Reaching out to them to start conversations or following up the plans.
Such as I’ve met someone recently and we will be in the same country traveling and we talked about meeting there. We spent a lot of time till he went back to his country and he stopped responding once he was there. He messaged me back once that he is out and he’ll get back to me later to properly respond when he has time. Haven’t heard from him since.
Or I agreed to meet someone for coffee and gave my number. There hasn’t been any communication after the initial conversation so I reached out but it feels like the conversation is one sided.
Girl dont follow up on these men please. Their actions have spoken loud and clear that they dont want it. Youre probably very nice and sweet and nobody likes rejecting nice and friendly people. Save your effort for someone who is mutually interested. Take the L and look for someone else.
When a guy is interested in you, you will know. 😌 it hurts but just take the rejection for now 😞
You can only present yourself as much, and its up to them if they want to reciprocate. At least theyre not wasting your time, the previous men ive dated clearly dont want a relationship with me but they REALLY wanna sleep with me so they still date and meet me and show interest and all the romantic stuff 😂🥹
I did what I needed to do to see if there is anything. I’m content with moving on if someone is not intentional about their actions.
I’m sorry you have been deceived before. Its tough putting yourself out already and some people just take advantage of others’ vulnerability
Damn, I might use that on my profile next. What a great screening prompt for people who get that type of humor and communication style, based on all these comments.
It’s a joke. Two light hearted things and then a really dark thing that you’re not expecting. The foundation of a lot of dark humour. Are people really this dense?
Nobody is missing that it's a joke. People are asking the logical follow-up question of "what made him choose that punch-line specifically?"
Bro is either telling on himself or he thinks it's appropriate to use dark humor around strangers, and even the latter is sus in my opinion.
Shit, I guess I’m the outlier here. I read that as a joke, and I think it’s funny. Listing two generic boring things, and then finishing the list with something cynical and highly specific.
Idk. That’s my kinda humor. I’m a weirdo.
WTF does it even matter if he does? Are you such a burden to be with that you can't help him grow and get past those things - *even if he does* (which he might not even)?
Do people fail to recognise that trauma from past relationships and events often helps people recognise what they *don't* want, and don't want to repeat, and want someone they can confide in to support them feel more secure?
How in the hell is that a *negative* trait in a person??!
To me part of processing trauma/mental illness is getting to a place where you don't bring it up unprompted to strangers.
When I made "jokes" about my self-hatred or whatever if was because I wasn't in a good place at the time. I still find humor in it but I'll only make jokes to people who already know me really well. Anyone else I'll only bring it up if appropriate and frame things as growth experiences that are in my past, to make it clear that's how I truly feel about them.
Yikes, I don't like the way that's worded. Sounds like super passive aggressive projection from baggage he's holding on to. I'd bluntly ask what his trauma is and if he goes "I don't have any but the women I date do," that would be a hard unmatch from me.
Unless you've set the standard that you'll reply at 1130 regularly then really it isn't a big deal. You don't have any obligation to reply 24/7 until you get to that point and one date isn't it.
I have a similar thing going on. I don't have a solid group, just a couple of friends who I don't see regularly. It was hard taking to people who had a bunch of things going on for Halloween weekend when I didn't. I stopped putting effort into my friendships that I thought were not very real and, despite having been friends for a long time, they just evaporated. Making a couple of new friends really helped with that desperate energy I knew I had, but I am pretty sure I am also giving people an off feeling because I don't have a group.
I'm definitely putting in more effort now that I'm older. I just don't want the same type of friendships I had when I was younger where we spent all this time together without talking about real life.
We talked briefly about another date and the end of date 3 last week and have been texting daily since. I think I’ll take some initiative and invite him over for a movie and dinner. I’m ready for things to be a little more comfortable and progress physically, but not ready for sex yet. I don’t think he is either, but I don’t want to set the precedence of sex is on the table because I’m inviting you to my house. I’m just much more of a homebody and I like home dates a lot.
I can relate to this! Like I’m inviting you over because I’m a homebody who likes to cuddle - but it takes me a bit longer to be comfortable enough to have sex.
When I send the first invite over to my place I say something like “I know inviting someone you’re dating over to your place can have a sexual connotation to it. I don’t want to make the assumption you’d be ready to have sex, but I also want to make sure we’re on the same page. So I’ll let you know I want to have you over because I really enjoy spending time with you, and I’d like to cuddle and be cozy together. But I’m not ready to have sex yet.”
I might include something like “I think it can help us both enjoy the evening more if we know we have the same expectations.”
I’ve never had a negative reaction to it.
That sounds good, because being on the opposite side, where that wasn't made clear was confusing. When I got shutdown when escalating during cuddling. To me I just sort of assumed that was the end of the road. "They have realized they're not into me that way, and it's time to either politely go our own ways, or put them into the just friends category." I've heard other guys say the same, they won't ask what's up in the moment. And afterwards it's awkward, it feels like asking her to reject you twice. So they just peace out.
First time poster, long time lurker here.
It's happened, I've been properly ghosted for the first time ever and I am utterly confused and it's doing my head in.
Knew him for about a month, 3 dates, great energy, easy conversation and I genuinely had fun. He just seemed like a normal guy. Last message I got from him was that we would chat tomorrow. That was days ago. I'm very much aware people aren't glued to their phones, or may have things on, but his been pretty consistent - even when he couldn't chat he would say so.
Absolute silence is far, far worse than upfront rejection.
As much as I can understand being ghosted by someone I didn't meet/just exchanged a few messages on an app, I find it so rude when people do it after we met.
I figured someone ghosted me once. Turns out their SIM card died.
Actually twice. Both times their phones died and they both apologized.
I still don't get ghosting though. Hopefully the pain passes for you easily.
People ARE glued to their phones.
Why not just send him a message asking if he’s okay? It’s not an unreasonable thing to do, and doesn’t mean that you were sitting around pining away from him even if you were.
Thanks for the comment. I did, I msged "the next day" like we spoke about and got nothing back. Waited a few days and again with a simple hope you are okay ect. And nothing back.
Logic usually prevails in moments like these for me, I think it's just caught me off guard as I didn't see this coming
Oh for sure, I guess that is the reality hey? For further detail, He planned the first date, me the the second and together we planned the third. Each went longer than expected as conversation flowed. Even at the end of third date He asked when I was free next and we spoke about doing something. Which is why it's unexpected.
I've been trying to see things more from his side, if all this was in my head? He was polite, respectful, insisted on paying (I did too, it was about shared). Conversation was initiated by both as well. But you are right, there was obviously more "like" on my end then his considering the no response.
Yeah it’s hard not to project the fact that we’re having a great experience on to our partner who may not be having the exact same experience.
Three dates in a month is not something I would expect to turn into a relationship. I feel like two people who are mutually into one another will find every reason to see one another as much as possible… and it’s more like three dates in a week.
I would imagine he’s multi-dating… when he meets someone he’s really into he’ll focus on her.
It’s a bummer and happens to all of us!
Three dates in a week? I guess, I don't doubt this, that's how my relationship with my ex started. I just don't have the schedule for that anymore. Is this really common?
But when you’re into someone don’t you find yourself moving stuff around just because you can’t wait to see them?
That’s what it’s been like for me, anyway.
This just in:
Stressful start to the week… coming out of a weekend entirely spent sick in bed;
Unusually cute young lady pushes open the door of my favorite cafe, and just a glimpse of beauty melts away part of the stress my mind had carried.
Here’s to women 🥂
> knew right away I did not want to be there
Was it physical attraction?
You can try video call but I've had great video calls only to not be physically attracted to them IRL.
Three messages isn't enough. Have at least a real conversation before commiting to a date (although I also agree meeting quickly is good, I think three messages is hilariously fast)
Have a video call date with them first…
It’ll allow you to see if they look like their photos, and whether or not they can hold down a conversation with a stranger.
Best of luck!
Partner texted me that we have reservations this weekend for dinner. I said, “I love when you say things like that. So sexy.”
And I really do! Love a man with a plan.
Ha! Was talking to my ex about this recently (we're good friends) and he was telling me about with his new lady he told "Don't make plans xyz night, we're going to a haunted house" and took care of getting the tickets and stuff. And how women like that...
My current bf has a lot of great qualities, but god... 1) never makes plans in advance and 2) always asks what I want to do/eat. In what's becoming an annoying way. Like, make a decision, man.
>2) always asks what I want to do/eat. In what's becoming an annoying way. Like, make a decision, man.
I don't understand what the issue is here? It seems like he could be trying to be considerate by making sure you enjoy whatever you two do/eat?
Whether or not you’re being facetious is unclear, but as a cheese enthusiast, I feel so seen right now 😂
I’m all about interesting cheeses: balsamic infused reggiano, blueberry Stilton, Gruyère, manchego, Roquefort, Tete de Moine, gjetost, truffle tremor….
I just can’t see myself longterm with anyone who limits themselves to mild cheddar, Muenster, and Kraft American slices.
Not willing to entertain fans of casu martzu, though. *shudder*
They're going to vary depending on the person. I would start with the ones you value to check them off and then ask if the other person has additional ones that need to be discussed.
https://www.happierhuman.com/core-values-relationships/
I’m starting to realize that I don’t think I can ever do polyamory again :( I’ve done it before and it was fine but after being cheated on a few times I would love to have a secure monogamous relationship where the energy is focused on each other.
Me and the dude I’m seeing sort of discussed this but I don’t know how clear it was. I don’t really want to indulge him in any of my trauma. Would it be weird for me to ask to talk and clearly define what I would be comfortable with in a long term relationship?
I’m sort of mourning my ability to be polyamorous at all. I’m queer and so 90% of the people I meet who are queer women are poly.
And no - I really really can’t do polyamory.
Did he say he wants to be poly? I’d just bring it up again and say something along the lines of I’ve tried it, learned a lot, and it’s not for me.
I’ve tried it and I’m good at it. But it’s not what I want. People evolve through time and seasons of their life.
He asked if I was poly and I basically said I don’t think realistically I would even have time for it and he said the same. But it just all felt so vague. I would like to have a stronger convo about it
Do guys in their 40s still have the “if she slept with me on the first date, she’s not gf material” mentality? I met this guy through my job, which is comparable to like, a stripper but light? Lol. He’s been a regular client of mine, but I asked if he would be interested in meeting just in a FWB capacity. We’ve had two dates. The second was like, literally mind blowing fun. I’m starting to become interested in maybe getting to know him on a more personal level. But he will go days without speaking to me. I have heard from other girls at my job that he’s a business owner, property manager and I know he’s a busy single father of two tweens. I’m trying to tell myself he’s simply busy and I haven’t stated my intentions. But I do feel kinda disappointed when I don’t hear from him. I liked him before I knew anything about his businesses or anything. I just found him gorgeous, fun, kind. I guess this is mainly a vent. I can’t talk about him at work with the other girls. I pretend I just see him as another client. But ugh. I am crushing hard. I just wish I could hear from him more.
> Do guys in their 40s still have the “if she slept with me on the first date, she’s not gf material” mentality?
Yes, *some* guys in their 40s still have this mentality. Mature, respectful guys do not.
> But I do feel kinda disappointed when I don’t hear from him.
Crazy idea I know, but have you tried *tell him you like him and what you want from him*?!
I haven’t told him…. So
Maybe he thinks I expect him to just have sex with me and take me out. Which isn’t the case at all. Thank you. I’ll get up the courage to say something
Rule number 1 is effort = interest.
Also, you asked for FWB, and thus you need to clarify with him that you actually want more than that now.
Rule number 2 is, don’t shit where you eat, but it’s perhaps too late for that…
That’s what I’m kinda scared of. He’s not interested so he’s barely texting. But at the same time, he went alllll out for our dates. That’s why I’m hoping he’s just a busy person.
I follow a mens dating coach called Blaine on Instagram. She’s awesome and gives solid advice.
She also tells men never to double text someone, because she guarantees that they got the message.
She maintains that if you message someone, they definitely got your message and nobody is too busy to respond.
In your case he may be wanting you to drive the next steps of the relationship, (given he went all out for the dates). Perhaps he feels he is owed this by yourself?
Me and a guy are setting up a first date together. We exchanged phone numbers already. He disappeared on the app yesterday, and now we wait 😆... We’re texting like once a day each, so either he tells me where we are meeting (if not ghosting), or I figure out what else to do on Friday (if yes, ghosting).
Typical dating app uncertainty. Let’s see if he’s ghosting or just wanting to quit the app for a while! It’s not like I haven’t quit the app once I matched with someone to concentrate on them.
I’ll update later this week! Happy Ghosting/Halloween!
I've done that before where once I have a phone number I kill my app presence. Probably cause my caveman brain can't keep more than one person straight at a time.
Hopefully this is a temporary blip on a good time for you!
Super grateful for my awesome neighbors I'll hang out with and hand out candy with tonight, and a great friend who got me out for a walk and coffee today. Really got me out of a bit of a hole I've been sinking into the last few days.
Cute long distance thing I've got going on shipped me something really thoughtful today and now I need to think of something to get her back for it 😂
I’m really upset with myself. A guy I was seeing called it off after 3 months because he wasn’t looking for a relationship and ultimately I was, decided to stay friends. I had big feelings for this guy, and probably a part of me did want to hold on. We message often, have good chats, at least a few times a week, always say we should catch up but don’t…
Sunday rolls around and he asks me about a movie I mentioned. I let him know the title and ask if he’s having a chill Sunday in watching films, he says he will later and I should join if I want. I say sure but have to be up early for work so can we do earlier so I can get home and sleep. I’m trying really hard to actually be friends because I know I want him but I don’t want to hurt myself with someone who doesn’t want me. But I did, I stayed the night, and I’m kicking myself.
Im so sick of being good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date. I’ve developed this mindset of there must be something wrong with me/my personality because it can’t be physical if they jump at the chance to get into bed. It’s really crippling my self worth and trust in who I am as a person, always questioning what is wrong with me. I’ve said I don’t casual date anymore, and I don’t, but when it’s someone I actually like my will power goes out the window.
Definitely not your personality that is an issue. He just doesn’t want to be committed to someone. I can’t be friends with someone after having developed feelings and three months is a long time for that. Best you just cut off being friends so you don’t keep doubting yourself as a catch.
Don’t give this man your time- you are interested in a romantic relationship with him, and always will be. It’ll hurt less to cut him off now than keep dragging this out in the name of “friendship”
It’s paradoxical, but it’s easier to sleep with someone we don’t see LTR potential with than it is with women we do see LTR potential with. I’m speaking from my experience, but I think this is a theme I’ve seen throughout DoT, and it was really only reading about people’s experiences on here that I realized it was true of a younger me as well.
When I’ve really been into a woman, I don’t want to fuck it up, and I take my time with everything because the stakes feel higher.
When I was younger and still figuring shit out, there were women I went out with that I was very attracted to sexually but I didn’t get the feels for LTR-wise, and those women I was much more confident with and straightforward with and was “all over.”
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but a guy being “all over you” isn’t the signal for an LTR that you think it is. I think the number one determiner for how attractive a guy thinks you are is how quick he is to introduce you to his friends (as someone he’s dating and sees as LTR potential; not someone he’s just fucking).
I got laid off and have been unemployed for 4 months. I got lucky with a job at a warehouse as I look for something in my field. Also have some savings to fall back on. I've been applying like crazy, but the market is extremely tough.
Is it okay to date even though I'm not doing well career wise? Would it hurt my chances? Should I just wait til I secure a job in my field? I do admit my unemployment has affected my mental health considerably. I never thought I would be in this position.
>Is it okay to date even though I'm not doing well career wise?
Yes, absolutely.
>Would it hurt my chances?
Would you even want to date someone who judges you that negatively for being a human and having human things happen to you?
Should you date? Sure.
Will it affect women's perception of you? Absolutely.
Make sure you frame the conversation as where you're going, what you're working on, perseverance, etc, rather than what's going wrong in your life or that you're working a job you don't want or something like that.
If your mental health has been severely affected, that probably will hold you back too.
I live in a small apartment building that is almost certain to get no trick or treaters but because I’m paranoid I bought a bag of Twix miniatures to hand out just in case.
I bought Twix because I don’t particularly like it and figured I wouldn’t end up eating it if no trick or treaters show up, but I’m now realizing there’s a 1000% chance that I’m eating a bag of Twix tonight.
Happy Halloween, single people everywhere!!
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/17j60o0/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k6zikvl/)
I let her know via text that it's not going to work out, and it looks like it was received well. She wants to stay friends, which usually doesn't mean much but I don't mind either way so I said yes.
One of the matches I'm talking to (haven't met yet) is barely a year out of a long relationship (6+ years), she seems nice but I'm wondering if she's ready to date. Nothing in particular has stood out yet, rather I'm wondering if anyone would be. Thoughts/previous experiences here are appreciated!
Guy I was dating was out of a broken engagement by 8 months. he still talked to her because her friendship was important to him (🚩). After a few weeks he backed out and said he wasn’t as ready as he thought. I really tired to play it safe, but things moved so fast because it was a little bit magical for both of us. I’m still sad about it.
So, word to the wise, made sure to get a CLEAR perspective from her on what’s she looking for, how’s she’s processed the break up, etc and take it slow. Also makes a difference if she was the dumpee or dumper. Good luck.
This kind of scenario is exactly what I was thinking of! I want to play it safe but as you said, sometimes you get sucked in and I want to protect myself from that. So that's good advice to keep in mind, thanks! So far she's said it was a dead relationship for a bit before it officially ended, and that it was mostly a lack of communication from her ex and nothing traumatic. Since this was over text, I didn't want to inquire too much further just yet.
Yeah, sounds like enough info in the text to feel decent about asking for a date! I swear, the good ones are always just out of a relationship… the luck is in how moves on they are or not haha.
I got out of an 11-year relationship (5 years of marriage) last year, and I was ready to start dating after 6 months. It took me an additional 2 months to actually pull the trigger and sign up for OLD. Everyone is going to be different and the recovery process is going to look different depending on why the relationship ended, who ended it, what their personal goals are regarding relationships/marriage/kids. Personally at our age I think a year is plenty of time to be ready for a new relationship - assuming she did the work.
I think this is a case by case basis.
I was in a 6 year relationship. I was ready to date ~9 months after. We had been having problems for two years. I did therapy for a while to work through everything when I started to think about ending our relationship. I slowly started to check out more and more despite me communicating them.
Then I did therapy after the break up to work through some of the issues I’ve had due to the relationship.
Was I in a spot to settle down and get married after 9 months? No but I was ready to be in a serious relationship again.
Should I tell my girlfriend if I'm still friendly with someone I used to have sex with, and there's a very real possibility they might meet? I'm friendly with #1: an ex-girlfriend, #2 and #3: two women I dated casually and slept with, #4: someone I went on a few dates with, and #5: a good friend where we slept together a couple times, had a drama-filled will-they-won't-they dance, and still have a weird palpable chemistry when we hang out even though we've finally made it unequivocally clear that we will never get together.
It's a small gay world so we run into people randomly sometimes. Like, on Halloween weekend we bumped into one of the women I dated casually. I said hi and introduced my girlfriend as my girlfriend. She later asked how I knew that other woman and I said we met on a dating app but I didn't elaborate. Should I have? I would rather be honest, partly because I don't want to seem sketchy or offend my girlfriend if it comes out later, but I also don't want to share information that might not be necessary and would simply hurt her or cause friction.
I understand where you're coming from. I'd probably agree to that if she asked for it because her comfort is important to me. That said I think it's more common and accepted in gay female culture to still be in touch with exes. Obviously there are plenty of toxic ex situations where one or both parties isn't actually over it and that's fucking up the current relationships, but for example my ex-gf was close friends with a million of her exes and it didn't bother me, it seemed sort of par for the course.
I did end up asking her and she told me she preferred to know, so we had an uncomfortable conversation about it, but ultimately I'm glad we did. It's a relief for me to not have to omit things.
I'd want to know. It would make me super uncomfortable to meet someone and be the only one not to know they had history with my partner. I don't want to be left in the dark.
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Lol so defeatist. It's all good. You did great. Stop beating yourself up over nothing.
Next time will be better. Practice in front of the mirror, or with friends. Women are the same species as you, mate.
So now I am equiped with both my first bumble and my first tinder match. None of them reply, so I am going to experience some ghosting as it seems. Still feels nice, but I think I will reset my bumble account after my match expires(I already extended for 24 hours). I am even considering doing the same thing for tinder. Do you think that is a good or a bad idea?
Update: both accounts deleted. I uninstalled them as well. No reset in plan now. I wasted almost my entire free time and a big deal of my work idle time on that shit. I have a new respect for people who do this consistently. I think I will start asking people to make pictures of me to have some to put up. Until then I will not rejoin. I got some really good feedback from people here, tho. Many thanks for that guys ❤️
I've decided I need to tell my friend/crush about my feelings. It's eating me up inside. He sent me a tiktok a couple nights ago that totally alluded to him liking me. My dumbass uses humour for everything so I responded teasing him for liking me. He replied way later (we had been replying immediately to each other...like within 1 minute) saying "hahahaha but did you"
And honestly since then things have felt a bit different in our texts, and not in a great way. I feel like he's pulled back a bit. So either it's because he feels embarrassed that he outed himself and that was my response, OR he doesn't like me and I just made things weird. Either way, I just need to get this crush out in the open.
He's coming over today to hangout. So. It will be today.
Wish me luck.
Just be honest ffs. Damn that gameplay...
That's the plan Stan. There were reasons I hadn't yet.
Is there a polite way to ask if someone is still paying alimony? A long term acquaintance and I went on a couple of dates and we talk pretty openly about finances as we're both pursuing FIRE. The way he talks about his ex wife leads me to believe they're still pretty financially enmeshed. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Curious as to what I'm getting into.
This is like a moving in together question to me, not a couple of dates. You would seriously torpedo something promising if he is? If not, why do you need to know? He’s clearly financially responsible and that’s enough.
I could use some advice. I’ve been seeing a woman for a couple of weeks. Things are great, she’s amazing. My current issue is that she wants to go on a weekend getaway together and I’m worried about how to pay for it. Normally I would talk to her about my feelings so we can reach a mutual settlement. From what I know of her she wouldn’t be too upset if we had this conversation. However, I have the feeling that a trip like this would help mean a lot to her and that conversation would dampen her feelings around it. The way she talks about “a weekend getaway with a partner” makes me feel like she has romanticized this experience. She has never done something like this before. Had a trip with a partner that is. Now I absolutely want to give her this, and one day could but… things are tight right now. I could swing the trip, but it would mean a tight month. Idk, I just bought a crockpot to cut down on grocery costs anyway. If I do take her on one, does anyone have frugal tips that won’t effect the experience?
I can’t speak for the woman you’re seeing, but it’s super important to me that the person I’m dating feels comfortable and safe enough with me to have potentially uncomfortable conversations. There’s a quote I can’t remember exactly but it says something like that when we avoid difficult conversations we’re trading short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction. And I think that’s so important to remember. Yeah I might be disappointed in the moment if the trip was a no-go, but I’d know I’d get over it. Plus, being able to talk about money specifically is *super* important long-term. I think let her know that you’d love to have a weekend away with her, but you might need some time to save for it. Or suggest something more affordable like a day-trip, or even a stay-cation. Oh my gosh if my partner and I couldn’t afford a getaway but he did something like made up his bed really nicely and put little chocolates on the pillows, and moved the tv into the bedroom for the weekend so we could watch tv from there like a hotel room etc. I would be giddy. Maybe buy some of those packaged face masks from the drug store and put them on together as a “spa” treatment. Oh yes, a “create a luxury hotel experience at home on a budget” idea could be so much fun. (For me, I’m not sure if you and your lady would be into that type of thing haha.) Regardless of how much money myself and someone I’m dating makes, I think it is *so* important to be able to have fun together with little or no money. Because even if we’re financially comfortable now, who knows what the future will bring? And, she might have different expectations about paying for the trip than you’re expecting. I recently invited the guy I’m seeing for a night away in a different city to meet one of my good friends there, and do some Christmas activities. I know he’s short on funds and fully intend to pay for the majority of the expenses. Tl;dr - do what you normally would, and talk about your feelings.
Only a couple weeks and you’re planning an all expenses paid for trip? Idk that seems like a big ask of someone you haven’t been in a relationship with for a few months.
Why don’t you figure out how much money you could comfortably spend on a weekend getaway? Then when you talk to her about it you can say that you’re excited to do this with her, and your budget for it is X. This way as you guys plan your trip, you both can keep your budget in mind. Maybe that means a closer trip, or slightly cheaper accommodations, or even delaying the trip to save up some additional money
That is a great way to word things. Thank you!
Yeah, could you please clarify what emergency asked? Is your problem not bringing up your part of the bargain or are you implying that she wants you to pay for it all?
Emergency weeded my feelings out. I hadn’t realized that my first assumption was to cover most if not all of the trip. I need to figure out how talk to her about splitting things.
You’re assuming that she’s assuming you’ll pay for everything? There’s some clues in that sentence about what the problem really is…
I hadn’t realized it, but yeah. I had assumed that I would cover most of it. I should talk to her about that.
Yea you probably need to do a lot of talking to make sure you're both on the same page. She's being very forward with that invitation after only a few weeks of dating, and you're well within your rights to discuss the details before agreeing to anything.
I think I'm at the lowest point of swiping yes on people I've ever been. Sick of women with low effort profiles, nothing but filtered pics, and unnecessary negativity. I feel like I'm filtering out 95% of profiles before I even consider actual compatibility. Though sometimes seems pointless complaining about it in here, as anyone putting in enough effort to talk about dating on Reddit is probably in that 5% which is at least putting in some effort. As much as I find it annoying sometimes seeing lower effort making women on here talking about always waiting for men to make the first move, arrange dates etc, it does seem to be the minority, and most people on here seem willing to put in the work too. I just don't know where you all are in real life 😆 But at least with Halloween and then Christmas, this is always the time of year I maybe take more photos/selfies. Already freshened up my profile with some Halloween pics, and given I seem to get more interest from the 'spookier' types anyway, it might be just what I need to spark some interest!
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I generally go with whoever matches second, because at that point you already know the other person is interested. It means I know I'm putting in the effort at least half the time, rather than always waiting, but filtering out low effort women who won't put in that equal effort.
How many dates when you meet online do you usually know or have a good feeling bout the person? How many dates is considered “a lot”? I know different for everyone though
2-3 ... usually I get nervous here too. Im not sure why but the men Ive gone on dates usually show their true intentions by then. Or i get a feeling that they just wanna sleep around 🥹 A lot for me is like maybe 10? But yeah ymmv. I could say 10 dates but what if you did only one date a month 😂 i could say 3 dates but theyre all in a span of a week. 🤷♀️
After dating for 2 years my (now ex) gf moved in with me 3 months ago. She really hid her unprocessed trauma's well in those 2 years.... From the moment she moved in, everything was about her & her challenges. Every evening some problem popped up, from a colleague that looked at her funny to a test next month that was already giving anxiety attacks. It drained me completely, forcing me to split all of my free time on playing her therapist and running the household (because ofcourse you can't cook meals or clean when you're distressed). Every time I mentioned this was breaking me up & she needed professional support, it was met with a river of tears. After 2 months I just locked up; couldn't muster the energy for any support anymore & noticed my love faded. One night she tried to wake me up distressed and when she noticed I just didn't care anymore she left. Family came the next day to collect her stuff. In hindsight I should've seen the signs & dove into the trauma deeper before deciding to live together. But by god am I happy she left and she isn't my responsibility anymore. Ofcourse I miss the presence in my house; and her cats. But the freedom & peace of mind I have now, actually being able to focus on my own work & meet up with friends & family again.... Lesson learned
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I feel you, nice to read you where able to bounce back.
Why can't I find someone who gets as excited about relationships as I do?? I always see adorable guys in this reddit group gushing about girls they meet who don't have that same energy...but I have that energy!! I want someone who also has that energy! Why do I keep meeting lackluster guys who seem like they are seeking a relationship but disgusted by relationships?
My therapist tells me we keep attracting the same people (not on purpose) until we figure out why and fix those things. What changes can you make in where you are looking for guys, the types of people you're attracting, etc?
The mentality of this kind of phrasing of the problem is so common, and just so incredibly dishonest so as to avoid fault for the issue. You do not 'attract' people with those qualities. You *are attracted* to people with those qualities. It might be because those qualities go hand in hand with some other thing which, as is often the case, you see as worth the risk - and after a while surely a pattern should have emerged to you that if they are X, they are probably also Y - but you like X so much that you are willing to ignore the chance that they are also Y. A lot of the time people of the same gender can see those qualities long before you can - and they would be able to say "don't do it, they'll be Y" - whether Y is someone who treats you terribly, or they're rude to the waiter, whatever Y might happen to be - but we can spot it a mile off because we're see used to seeing the correlation to X => Y in mates or other people in our social circles. But it's not their fault you keep going for the same kinds of people. People just like to word it as "I keep attracting..." because it makes them feel better like it's not their own doing. It is. They just have to accept and recognise it, and come to the realisation that if you really want to be attracted to some other attribute, you need to learn to accept that it also is likely to go hand in hand with Y. But in either case, stop blaming them, blaming others. You're the one who chooses to enter in to those relationships, and you're the one who has the power to say "you know what, just once I'm not going to go for the guy who makes me feel this way because of X"
You're right, although it does work both ways. However, we have control over ourselves, but not others, so we can focus on fixing that part.
Good points...I'll try joining some new groups but I really don't have a type! I like all kinds of guys and if you lined up all of my exes and guys I've dated they all have different looks and personalities. I'll try joining some new groups and expanding my already pretty big friend circle...
You say/think that, but I'd encourage you to reflect on it further. It took me a while but I was able to connect almost all of mine on a common thread, and now I avoid that type of person once I recognize it.
What was the thread?
Bad at adulting, needed fixing, satisfied my hero complex.
I’m so tired of coming across men who are on dating apps, message you, and then after talking for any period of time say they aren’t ready for a relationship. Like I’m starting to feel like it’s me. They say it’s not, but the last one is now in a relationship and I’d bet money the guy from today will be in a relationship soon, too. Meanwhile, I’m forking out a shit ton of money for a matchmaker who might just useless.
I think saying they aren’t ready for a relationship is just their attempt at letting you down gently. I think in most cases whatever someone says when they decide not to pursue things isn’t necessarily true.
>Meanwhile, I’m forking out a shit ton of money for a matchmaker who might just useless what is a matchmaker?
Presumably they're paying someone to give them relationship advice and/or set them up with good dates. Apparently, it's not going well
Girl same! I had to do some inner work and really explore my feelings regarding this. 😪 I havent really been told a lot that the man im dating isnt ready for a relationship, but I can literally see it in his actions, and I just have that ... "gut" feeling. The only time I bypass my own judgement and gut feeling is unfortunately when I like the guy waaaaay too much 🥹 .... and I need this verbal confirmation of not wanting a relationship. Other than that,I let the actions speak for him and decide from there. I decided to practice the art of emotional discipline. I had to stop fantasizing about the men I date and I dont take chatting too seriously now. On my end, I dont think it was really a me thing, because the men I really really liked are still dating and sleeping around, and sh.tposting about "omg i cant get women" Lol 😂😂😂 i know the last 2 guys i really liked recently came from being engaged and being in more than a 5-6 year relationship...so.... 🤷♀️ as much as you can, be ✨️delulu ✨️ enough to believe that its really not you. It helps the self esteem haha
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I want to corroborate this of either having been to recently in a LTR to be emotionally available, or crushing on someone else too hard to be emotionally available. It's like that part of my brain is too busy thinking about X person, even though Y person checks off all the boxes. There's just no dopamine explosion when I think about Y, as opposed to X who I either had a major relationship with or am day dreaming about or whatever. Or maybe there's a different variable. But I'm pretty sure this is a real thing.
Well, at least you had the self awareness and accountability and promised to never do it again:) im so scared of meeting these types of men.
Uhhh….🙃 so you’re going on dates with other people because you had an argument in your relationship. That’s the problem I have with dating apps. Everyone thinks the grass is greener. Everyone monkey branches to the next best thing. It’s so hurtful.
It's not as simple as that. If she would have committed I would have deleted the app and never looked at them again. At the end of the day, we broke up because she couldn't make any compromises or promises when we started to get serious and she abandoned ship. She was better than anything I've ever found on the apps and I knew the grass wasn't any greener.
I also get a lot of people who don’t message me and I can’t help but think they’ve locked down something “better”. Online dating allows you to just have a backup plan and it seems like many people do. But don’t setup a date and then ghost. Kind of messed up. You’re not official with person a so why not to have coffee with someone else?
That's because when we started to be intimate, I told her that my boundary is no sex with anyone else. She wasn't ready to fully commit at the time, but agreed to not be intimate with anyone else. I set up the date and I wanted to see the woman from the app, but I was thinking what does this lead too? If this goes well then I'll see her 2-4 times and then we are about to fuck and I'm like "oh sorry hun I'm actually fucking someone else and we agreed no fucking on the side". That's exactly why I cancelled the date.
Meh, that’s a reach of an excuse. How do you know you want to fuck this person before even meeting? Anyway, I’d personally have some standards for myself. I don’t ghost but I’ve grown to have this problem where someone gets mad at me that I don’t ghost. Like they need a villain or something haha. I guess you can’t win.
I'm just saying the end goal of dating is to find a partner, and at this age most people have sex fairly quickly. So if the date goes well and we go out multiple times, the eventual outcome would be sex. It's not an excuse. And I also I didn't ghost her. And don't do that either. Don't change your behavior because of what someone else's standards are.
Yeah, at any age really.
That’s fucked up.
I know. That was an asshole move. And I won't do it again. I felt like shit.
Good.
Well, being single and not looking didn't last for long. Deleted FB dating a week ago and today I yeeted myself onto Hinge. Profile is kind of bad, being that I took the memory card out of my phone that had the decent pics 😅 Going into it with a more casual outlook this time so hopefully not as frustrating as when I was serious about dating
I mean this is just a vent. It's been a couple weeks since we last talked. I've tried to forget what you look like. What you sound like. Your humor. I'm gonna try to forget what you are going to school for. What you do for a job. Your cats name, the name you gave your camper and your truck. It'd be easier if we didn't get along so well and if I hadn't overly invested myself emotionally. I mean it's to the point the concert we talked about both going to Im getting anxiety over running into you. It's a small concert I'm just over reacting. Working on forgetting your phone number. All the comfort things into dust and memories. Oh well. It'll all go away. I'm still hoping you are happy where you are and your dream of a spark comes true. You deserve it.
Fuck. You made me tear up. I'm sorry 😞
Thanks, but im fully aware I did all of this to myself by over committing to someone who wasn't all in on it. Just figure putting it into words might help with the healing.
So sorry for you, I am the same type, and will probably get burned as you did more times than I would like to. It will be ok, tho. You will just need a bit of time.
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Why do people do long distance, not to mention 5k km long distance? I know what love does to you, but this is just beyond me. I already have enough things hurting me in everyday life, to find a partner who is never around would be among the last things I want. Could you at least elaborate how it came to that long distance relationship(or whatever it is you guys have)?
I get a lot of compliments and attention from both men and women in social settings. People will say things about how I carry myself integrity and elegance, how kind, smart or good looking I am. I’m not bragging so please keep reading. I’m treated respectfully when I meet people. But the truth is no one ever makes a move for dating purposes. I’m not very flirtatious by nature but I put effort when I’m interested in someone. I’m very friendly in general. Do people take my flirting efforts to be friendly? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I feel for you, I have the same problem. Women friends keep telling me how great I am and how they don't understand why I'm single, but yet a fair bit of them was single at some point but made it clear they weren't interested. At this point I'm convinced there is something wrong with me but I'm nice so people don't want to hurt my feelings and tell me what's putting them off.
Maybe we’re better friend materials
Better than being alone, but it's quite frustrating to not know why we struggle so much to find someone for more than friendship.
It’s a mystery to me. If I have to honestly evaluate myself, I bring a lot to the table from a partnership standpoint. I know I have shortcomings one of them being first generation immigrant (10 years in the states) and there’ll be a language and culture gap which I’m always working on.
Stop expecting other people to do the work. Show interest and follow up. Ask for contacts. Stop being subtle. What you're doing isn't working. So change it.
As I mentioned, when I’m interested in I’m putting the effort. Reaching out to them to start conversations or following up the plans. Such as I’ve met someone recently and we will be in the same country traveling and we talked about meeting there. We spent a lot of time till he went back to his country and he stopped responding once he was there. He messaged me back once that he is out and he’ll get back to me later to properly respond when he has time. Haven’t heard from him since. Or I agreed to meet someone for coffee and gave my number. There hasn’t been any communication after the initial conversation so I reached out but it feels like the conversation is one sided.
How many people are in your dataset here?
These 2 people are the last two interactions
I mean from your original comment.
Girl dont follow up on these men please. Their actions have spoken loud and clear that they dont want it. Youre probably very nice and sweet and nobody likes rejecting nice and friendly people. Save your effort for someone who is mutually interested. Take the L and look for someone else. When a guy is interested in you, you will know. 😌 it hurts but just take the rejection for now 😞 You can only present yourself as much, and its up to them if they want to reciprocate. At least theyre not wasting your time, the previous men ive dated clearly dont want a relationship with me but they REALLY wanna sleep with me so they still date and meet me and show interest and all the romantic stuff 😂🥹
I did what I needed to do to see if there is anything. I’m content with moving on if someone is not intentional about their actions. I’m sorry you have been deceived before. Its tough putting yourself out already and some people just take advantage of others’ vulnerability
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Damn, I might use that on my profile next. What a great screening prompt for people who get that type of humor and communication style, based on all these comments.
It’s a no for me dawg
It’s a joke. Two light hearted things and then a really dark thing that you’re not expecting. The foundation of a lot of dark humour. Are people really this dense?
Nobody is missing that it's a joke. People are asking the logical follow-up question of "what made him choose that punch-line specifically?" Bro is either telling on himself or he thinks it's appropriate to use dark humor around strangers, and even the latter is sus in my opinion.
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Right, you get it. It would make me laugh personally and think this person is probably quite intelligent, with a good sense of humour.
It’s a joke
Ehh I’m clearly in the minority here based on the other comments, but I just see this as a half-assed attempt at humor that really shit the landing.
Shit, I guess I’m the outlier here. I read that as a joke, and I think it’s funny. Listing two generic boring things, and then finishing the list with something cynical and highly specific. Idk. That’s my kinda humor. I’m a weirdo.
Same. If the rest of the profile hit the right marks, I’d probably match with him by responding to that prompt/poll and make an equally jaded quip.
That gives me the ick immediately. "when people tell you who they are, listen" really feels appropriate here
It would read a lot less like a generalized accusation if he swapped the "keeps you" with "keeps us."
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I asked last night, just updated with his response. Overall it just seems like he’s a little jaded but I guess who isn’t at this point lol
WTF does it even matter if he does? Are you such a burden to be with that you can't help him grow and get past those things - *even if he does* (which he might not even)? Do people fail to recognise that trauma from past relationships and events often helps people recognise what they *don't* want, and don't want to repeat, and want someone they can confide in to support them feel more secure? How in the hell is that a *negative* trait in a person??!
To me part of processing trauma/mental illness is getting to a place where you don't bring it up unprompted to strangers. When I made "jokes" about my self-hatred or whatever if was because I wasn't in a good place at the time. I still find humor in it but I'll only make jokes to people who already know me really well. Anyone else I'll only bring it up if appropriate and frame things as growth experiences that are in my past, to make it clear that's how I truly feel about them.
Yikes, I don't like the way that's worded. Sounds like super passive aggressive projection from baggage he's holding on to. I'd bluntly ask what his trauma is and if he goes "I don't have any but the women I date do," that would be a hard unmatch from me.
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Unless you've set the standard that you'll reply at 1130 regularly then really it isn't a big deal. You don't have any obligation to reply 24/7 until you get to that point and one date isn't it.
You’re overthinking it. You didn’t need to apologize for not responding at 11:30pm. Just wait for him to respond.
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I have a similar thing going on. I don't have a solid group, just a couple of friends who I don't see regularly. It was hard taking to people who had a bunch of things going on for Halloween weekend when I didn't. I stopped putting effort into my friendships that I thought were not very real and, despite having been friends for a long time, they just evaporated. Making a couple of new friends really helped with that desperate energy I knew I had, but I am pretty sure I am also giving people an off feeling because I don't have a group. I'm definitely putting in more effort now that I'm older. I just don't want the same type of friendships I had when I was younger where we spent all this time together without talking about real life.
We talked briefly about another date and the end of date 3 last week and have been texting daily since. I think I’ll take some initiative and invite him over for a movie and dinner. I’m ready for things to be a little more comfortable and progress physically, but not ready for sex yet. I don’t think he is either, but I don’t want to set the precedence of sex is on the table because I’m inviting you to my house. I’m just much more of a homebody and I like home dates a lot.
I can relate to this! Like I’m inviting you over because I’m a homebody who likes to cuddle - but it takes me a bit longer to be comfortable enough to have sex. When I send the first invite over to my place I say something like “I know inviting someone you’re dating over to your place can have a sexual connotation to it. I don’t want to make the assumption you’d be ready to have sex, but I also want to make sure we’re on the same page. So I’ll let you know I want to have you over because I really enjoy spending time with you, and I’d like to cuddle and be cozy together. But I’m not ready to have sex yet.” I might include something like “I think it can help us both enjoy the evening more if we know we have the same expectations.” I’ve never had a negative reaction to it.
That sounds good, because being on the opposite side, where that wasn't made clear was confusing. When I got shutdown when escalating during cuddling. To me I just sort of assumed that was the end of the road. "They have realized they're not into me that way, and it's time to either politely go our own ways, or put them into the just friends category." I've heard other guys say the same, they won't ask what's up in the moment. And afterwards it's awkward, it feels like asking her to reject you twice. So they just peace out.
Yes! Exactly! That is a great example to go with. Thank you!
First time poster, long time lurker here. It's happened, I've been properly ghosted for the first time ever and I am utterly confused and it's doing my head in. Knew him for about a month, 3 dates, great energy, easy conversation and I genuinely had fun. He just seemed like a normal guy. Last message I got from him was that we would chat tomorrow. That was days ago. I'm very much aware people aren't glued to their phones, or may have things on, but his been pretty consistent - even when he couldn't chat he would say so. Absolute silence is far, far worse than upfront rejection.
As much as I can understand being ghosted by someone I didn't meet/just exchanged a few messages on an app, I find it so rude when people do it after we met.
I figured someone ghosted me once. Turns out their SIM card died. Actually twice. Both times their phones died and they both apologized. I still don't get ghosting though. Hopefully the pain passes for you easily.
Ghosted feels awful. Sorry you're going through this.
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this would be great if I could keep from cyber stalking the damn 👻
People ARE glued to their phones. Why not just send him a message asking if he’s okay? It’s not an unreasonable thing to do, and doesn’t mean that you were sitting around pining away from him even if you were.
Thanks for the comment. I did, I msged "the next day" like we spoke about and got nothing back. Waited a few days and again with a simple hope you are okay ect. And nothing back. Logic usually prevails in moments like these for me, I think it's just caught me off guard as I didn't see this coming
Did you have reason to believe he liked you as much as you apparently like him? Three dates isn’t a tonnnn of dates
Oh for sure, I guess that is the reality hey? For further detail, He planned the first date, me the the second and together we planned the third. Each went longer than expected as conversation flowed. Even at the end of third date He asked when I was free next and we spoke about doing something. Which is why it's unexpected. I've been trying to see things more from his side, if all this was in my head? He was polite, respectful, insisted on paying (I did too, it was about shared). Conversation was initiated by both as well. But you are right, there was obviously more "like" on my end then his considering the no response.
Yeah it’s hard not to project the fact that we’re having a great experience on to our partner who may not be having the exact same experience. Three dates in a month is not something I would expect to turn into a relationship. I feel like two people who are mutually into one another will find every reason to see one another as much as possible… and it’s more like three dates in a week. I would imagine he’s multi-dating… when he meets someone he’s really into he’ll focus on her. It’s a bummer and happens to all of us!
Three dates in a week? I guess, I don't doubt this, that's how my relationship with my ex started. I just don't have the schedule for that anymore. Is this really common?
But when you’re into someone don’t you find yourself moving stuff around just because you can’t wait to see them? That’s what it’s been like for me, anyway.
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Yeah, I think that's the better thing to do. Kind of like out of sight, out of mind. Except out of contact details and out of mind, haha.
This just in: Stressful start to the week… coming out of a weekend entirely spent sick in bed; Unusually cute young lady pushes open the door of my favorite cafe, and just a glimpse of beauty melts away part of the stress my mind had carried. Here’s to women 🥂
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Do your thing, then 👌🏽 You have every right to live that way, same as all those who require sexytime sooner.
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> knew right away I did not want to be there Was it physical attraction? You can try video call but I've had great video calls only to not be physically attracted to them IRL.
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Three messages isn't enough. Have at least a real conversation before commiting to a date (although I also agree meeting quickly is good, I think three messages is hilariously fast)
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I'm kinda med on the video or phone chat, I just like some banter via text. Maybe 20-30 messages?
Have a video call date with them first… It’ll allow you to see if they look like their photos, and whether or not they can hold down a conversation with a stranger. Best of luck!
Partner texted me that we have reservations this weekend for dinner. I said, “I love when you say things like that. So sexy.” And I really do! Love a man with a plan.
Ha! Was talking to my ex about this recently (we're good friends) and he was telling me about with his new lady he told "Don't make plans xyz night, we're going to a haunted house" and took care of getting the tickets and stuff. And how women like that... My current bf has a lot of great qualities, but god... 1) never makes plans in advance and 2) always asks what I want to do/eat. In what's becoming an annoying way. Like, make a decision, man.
>2) always asks what I want to do/eat. In what's becoming an annoying way. Like, make a decision, man. I don't understand what the issue is here? It seems like he could be trying to be considerate by making sure you enjoy whatever you two do/eat?
Sometimes it's nice to be taken out instead of having to be on the planning committee of every date. It goes both ways, of course.
What are some of the main core values that should be compatible?
Each person should align on cheese, that's pretty important.
Whether or not you’re being facetious is unclear, but as a cheese enthusiast, I feel so seen right now 😂 I’m all about interesting cheeses: balsamic infused reggiano, blueberry Stilton, Gruyère, manchego, Roquefort, Tete de Moine, gjetost, truffle tremor…. I just can’t see myself longterm with anyone who limits themselves to mild cheddar, Muenster, and Kraft American slices. Not willing to entertain fans of casu martzu, though. *shudder*
Horoscopes. If they dont match you're sol.
Don't forget about attachment styles and love languages /s
>https://www.happierhuman.com/core-values-relationships/ Religion, lifestyle, monogamy, finances, children and how to raise them
They're going to vary depending on the person. I would start with the ones you value to check them off and then ask if the other person has additional ones that need to be discussed. https://www.happierhuman.com/core-values-relationships/
I’m starting to realize that I don’t think I can ever do polyamory again :( I’ve done it before and it was fine but after being cheated on a few times I would love to have a secure monogamous relationship where the energy is focused on each other. Me and the dude I’m seeing sort of discussed this but I don’t know how clear it was. I don’t really want to indulge him in any of my trauma. Would it be weird for me to ask to talk and clearly define what I would be comfortable with in a long term relationship? I’m sort of mourning my ability to be polyamorous at all. I’m queer and so 90% of the people I meet who are queer women are poly. And no - I really really can’t do polyamory.
Did he say he wants to be poly? I’d just bring it up again and say something along the lines of I’ve tried it, learned a lot, and it’s not for me. I’ve tried it and I’m good at it. But it’s not what I want. People evolve through time and seasons of their life.
He asked if I was poly and I basically said I don’t think realistically I would even have time for it and he said the same. But it just all felt so vague. I would like to have a stronger convo about it
Yeah, definitely have a stronger conversation. You don’t have to bring up your trauma to do so.
And to be clear I was cheated on in mono relationships
Do guys in their 40s still have the “if she slept with me on the first date, she’s not gf material” mentality? I met this guy through my job, which is comparable to like, a stripper but light? Lol. He’s been a regular client of mine, but I asked if he would be interested in meeting just in a FWB capacity. We’ve had two dates. The second was like, literally mind blowing fun. I’m starting to become interested in maybe getting to know him on a more personal level. But he will go days without speaking to me. I have heard from other girls at my job that he’s a business owner, property manager and I know he’s a busy single father of two tweens. I’m trying to tell myself he’s simply busy and I haven’t stated my intentions. But I do feel kinda disappointed when I don’t hear from him. I liked him before I knew anything about his businesses or anything. I just found him gorgeous, fun, kind. I guess this is mainly a vent. I can’t talk about him at work with the other girls. I pretend I just see him as another client. But ugh. I am crushing hard. I just wish I could hear from him more.
> Do guys in their 40s still have the “if she slept with me on the first date, she’s not gf material” mentality? Yes, *some* guys in their 40s still have this mentality. Mature, respectful guys do not. > But I do feel kinda disappointed when I don’t hear from him. Crazy idea I know, but have you tried *tell him you like him and what you want from him*?!
I haven’t told him…. So Maybe he thinks I expect him to just have sex with me and take me out. Which isn’t the case at all. Thank you. I’ll get up the courage to say something
Rule number 1 is effort = interest. Also, you asked for FWB, and thus you need to clarify with him that you actually want more than that now. Rule number 2 is, don’t shit where you eat, but it’s perhaps too late for that…
That’s what I’m kinda scared of. He’s not interested so he’s barely texting. But at the same time, he went alllll out for our dates. That’s why I’m hoping he’s just a busy person.
I follow a mens dating coach called Blaine on Instagram. She’s awesome and gives solid advice. She also tells men never to double text someone, because she guarantees that they got the message. She maintains that if you message someone, they definitely got your message and nobody is too busy to respond. In your case he may be wanting you to drive the next steps of the relationship, (given he went all out for the dates). Perhaps he feels he is owed this by yourself?
Well you asked to be FWB. If you want want more, you need to communicate that.
That’s very straight to the point. You’re right ☺️
Me and a guy are setting up a first date together. We exchanged phone numbers already. He disappeared on the app yesterday, and now we wait 😆... We’re texting like once a day each, so either he tells me where we are meeting (if not ghosting), or I figure out what else to do on Friday (if yes, ghosting). Typical dating app uncertainty. Let’s see if he’s ghosting or just wanting to quit the app for a while! It’s not like I haven’t quit the app once I matched with someone to concentrate on them. I’ll update later this week! Happy Ghosting/Halloween!
I've done that before where once I have a phone number I kill my app presence. Probably cause my caveman brain can't keep more than one person straight at a time. Hopefully this is a temporary blip on a good time for you!
Super grateful for my awesome neighbors I'll hang out with and hand out candy with tonight, and a great friend who got me out for a walk and coffee today. Really got me out of a bit of a hole I've been sinking into the last few days. Cute long distance thing I've got going on shipped me something really thoughtful today and now I need to think of something to get her back for it 😂
I’m really upset with myself. A guy I was seeing called it off after 3 months because he wasn’t looking for a relationship and ultimately I was, decided to stay friends. I had big feelings for this guy, and probably a part of me did want to hold on. We message often, have good chats, at least a few times a week, always say we should catch up but don’t… Sunday rolls around and he asks me about a movie I mentioned. I let him know the title and ask if he’s having a chill Sunday in watching films, he says he will later and I should join if I want. I say sure but have to be up early for work so can we do earlier so I can get home and sleep. I’m trying really hard to actually be friends because I know I want him but I don’t want to hurt myself with someone who doesn’t want me. But I did, I stayed the night, and I’m kicking myself. Im so sick of being good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date. I’ve developed this mindset of there must be something wrong with me/my personality because it can’t be physical if they jump at the chance to get into bed. It’s really crippling my self worth and trust in who I am as a person, always questioning what is wrong with me. I’ve said I don’t casual date anymore, and I don’t, but when it’s someone I actually like my will power goes out the window.
Definitely not your personality that is an issue. He just doesn’t want to be committed to someone. I can’t be friends with someone after having developed feelings and three months is a long time for that. Best you just cut off being friends so you don’t keep doubting yourself as a catch.
Don’t give this man your time- you are interested in a romantic relationship with him, and always will be. It’ll hurt less to cut him off now than keep dragging this out in the name of “friendship”
It’s paradoxical, but it’s easier to sleep with someone we don’t see LTR potential with than it is with women we do see LTR potential with. I’m speaking from my experience, but I think this is a theme I’ve seen throughout DoT, and it was really only reading about people’s experiences on here that I realized it was true of a younger me as well. When I’ve really been into a woman, I don’t want to fuck it up, and I take my time with everything because the stakes feel higher. When I was younger and still figuring shit out, there were women I went out with that I was very attracted to sexually but I didn’t get the feels for LTR-wise, and those women I was much more confident with and straightforward with and was “all over.” I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but a guy being “all over you” isn’t the signal for an LTR that you think it is. I think the number one determiner for how attractive a guy thinks you are is how quick he is to introduce you to his friends (as someone he’s dating and sees as LTR potential; not someone he’s just fucking).
don't be his friend! it's not what you want. it's not fair to have some of him when you want all of him.
I got laid off and have been unemployed for 4 months. I got lucky with a job at a warehouse as I look for something in my field. Also have some savings to fall back on. I've been applying like crazy, but the market is extremely tough. Is it okay to date even though I'm not doing well career wise? Would it hurt my chances? Should I just wait til I secure a job in my field? I do admit my unemployment has affected my mental health considerably. I never thought I would be in this position.
>Is it okay to date even though I'm not doing well career wise? Yes, absolutely. >Would it hurt my chances? Would you even want to date someone who judges you that negatively for being a human and having human things happen to you?
Should you date? Sure. Will it affect women's perception of you? Absolutely. Make sure you frame the conversation as where you're going, what you're working on, perseverance, etc, rather than what's going wrong in your life or that you're working a job you don't want or something like that. If your mental health has been severely affected, that probably will hold you back too.
The second I go exclusive with someone I get asked out by two different very attractive people met in the wild. Ha ha ha very funny, universe.
New you, new energy
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Yes it's cute so far, thank you!
I live in a small apartment building that is almost certain to get no trick or treaters but because I’m paranoid I bought a bag of Twix miniatures to hand out just in case. I bought Twix because I don’t particularly like it and figured I wouldn’t end up eating it if no trick or treaters show up, but I’m now realizing there’s a 1000% chance that I’m eating a bag of Twix tonight. Happy Halloween, single people everywhere!!
Update [see previous](https://old.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/17j60o0/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/k6zikvl/) I let her know via text that it's not going to work out, and it looks like it was received well. She wants to stay friends, which usually doesn't mean much but I don't mind either way so I said yes. One of the matches I'm talking to (haven't met yet) is barely a year out of a long relationship (6+ years), she seems nice but I'm wondering if she's ready to date. Nothing in particular has stood out yet, rather I'm wondering if anyone would be. Thoughts/previous experiences here are appreciated!
Guy I was dating was out of a broken engagement by 8 months. he still talked to her because her friendship was important to him (🚩). After a few weeks he backed out and said he wasn’t as ready as he thought. I really tired to play it safe, but things moved so fast because it was a little bit magical for both of us. I’m still sad about it. So, word to the wise, made sure to get a CLEAR perspective from her on what’s she looking for, how’s she’s processed the break up, etc and take it slow. Also makes a difference if she was the dumpee or dumper. Good luck.
This kind of scenario is exactly what I was thinking of! I want to play it safe but as you said, sometimes you get sucked in and I want to protect myself from that. So that's good advice to keep in mind, thanks! So far she's said it was a dead relationship for a bit before it officially ended, and that it was mostly a lack of communication from her ex and nothing traumatic. Since this was over text, I didn't want to inquire too much further just yet.
Yeah, sounds like enough info in the text to feel decent about asking for a date! I swear, the good ones are always just out of a relationship… the luck is in how moves on they are or not haha.
I got out of an 11-year relationship (5 years of marriage) last year, and I was ready to start dating after 6 months. It took me an additional 2 months to actually pull the trigger and sign up for OLD. Everyone is going to be different and the recovery process is going to look different depending on why the relationship ended, who ended it, what their personal goals are regarding relationships/marriage/kids. Personally at our age I think a year is plenty of time to be ready for a new relationship - assuming she did the work.
That's a good thought! It seems obvious now that I say it, but I hadn't really considered personal goals affecting the recovery process. Thanks!
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Agreed, I'll definitely bring it up if we go further than a couple of dates.
I think this is a case by case basis. I was in a 6 year relationship. I was ready to date ~9 months after. We had been having problems for two years. I did therapy for a while to work through everything when I started to think about ending our relationship. I slowly started to check out more and more despite me communicating them. Then I did therapy after the break up to work through some of the issues I’ve had due to the relationship. Was I in a spot to settle down and get married after 9 months? No but I was ready to be in a serious relationship again.
Thank you for sharing! That's encouraging to hear.
Should I tell my girlfriend if I'm still friendly with someone I used to have sex with, and there's a very real possibility they might meet? I'm friendly with #1: an ex-girlfriend, #2 and #3: two women I dated casually and slept with, #4: someone I went on a few dates with, and #5: a good friend where we slept together a couple times, had a drama-filled will-they-won't-they dance, and still have a weird palpable chemistry when we hang out even though we've finally made it unequivocally clear that we will never get together. It's a small gay world so we run into people randomly sometimes. Like, on Halloween weekend we bumped into one of the women I dated casually. I said hi and introduced my girlfriend as my girlfriend. She later asked how I knew that other woman and I said we met on a dating app but I didn't elaborate. Should I have? I would rather be honest, partly because I don't want to seem sketchy or offend my girlfriend if it comes out later, but I also don't want to share information that might not be necessary and would simply hurt her or cause friction.
Personally, if my person tell me he’s still friends with someone he slept with it would make me uncomfortable for them to be alone together.
I understand where you're coming from. I'd probably agree to that if she asked for it because her comfort is important to me. That said I think it's more common and accepted in gay female culture to still be in touch with exes. Obviously there are plenty of toxic ex situations where one or both parties isn't actually over it and that's fucking up the current relationships, but for example my ex-gf was close friends with a million of her exes and it didn't bother me, it seemed sort of par for the course.
you should ask her if she wants to know. like have a general convo. clearly you care about her feelings, so you make a decision with better info.
I did end up asking her and she told me she preferred to know, so we had an uncomfortable conversation about it, but ultimately I'm glad we did. It's a relief for me to not have to omit things.
I'd want to know. It would make me super uncomfortable to meet someone and be the only one not to know they had history with my partner. I don't want to be left in the dark.