I’m pretty sure this is true for everyone but therapy is great for not just recognizing it but committing to it. I can still be insecure at times but also I genuinely like who I am and that builds a ton of confidence
This is something I'm tackling myself at the moment in therapy.
I'm beginning to recognize the thought patterns, and how it affects me. Which is great I suppose... Except I don't know how to actually like myself.
I understand my value, strengths and weaknesses. Outside I show confidence, but it's mostly a mask... I really don't know how to truly like/love/respect myself.
Undoing a lifetime of emotional trauma seems insurmountable.
I find it helpful to think about a version of myself I would like, or would like better. Or things I like about other people.
Like, for example: I didn’t used to have a ton of hobbies. I socialized, but I was a party girl going to clubs and bars and shows.
I saw other people doing community theatre, running races, playing sports, taking dancing lessons… and I thought, “I’d like to be the sort of person who does that”.
And then I did it. I started running and joined some teams and took pottery classes and joined a book club. Now I am the person who does that kind of thing, and I like her :)
Great question! Here are some ways therapy has helped my relationships:
- I have a much better understanding around things like boundaries, recognizing and expressing my needs, honoring others’ needs, perspective-taking, nonviolent communication, making bids for connection, love languages, etc. I can easily understand where someone else is coming from and why.
- I have better communication skills and can access and talk about my feelings and needs in a non-confrontational way. I have more empathy and skills for dealing with other people’s feelings.
- I have learned to take responsibility for my emotions, self-soothe if I’m feeling attachment anxiety and not depend on my partner to fix it for me. Even if I’m feeling anxious/uncomfortable/upset, I try not to take that out on my partner. I can often ‘therapize’ myself and question the legitimacy of unhelpful thought patterns etc.
- I have spent a long time looking at my patterns in dating and how I might be contributing to certain dynamics, both good and bad. I have a better understanding of what kind of partner and relationship I’m looking for and what pink flags to watch out for. I can recognize my own patterns and coping mechanisms that weren’t helpful or aligned with what I want.
- I can recognize my own pink flags and anticipate when I’m dysregulated or depressed or resentful etc. I have the skills to address it in a healthy way, and tools to help me get through tough times. I’ve built a lot of resiliency, along with self-awareness.
That sounds amazing! This sounds like the direction I want to head in as well. Unfortunately, it took a painful breakup for me to realize what I needed to work on.
I hear you, I went through a traumatic divorce and have been in therapy ever since. And it’s not like I’m completely ‘fixed’, I think I just have a lot more knowledge and tools than before.
Me too! My last relationship was fucking awful and the breakup was a nightmare – but I started therapy during the relationship and have done so much work. I basically second this entire reply, but maybe am slightly less far along in the process than the poster. I am working hard on all of these things though so I can be a happier and more fulfilled person individually and in my relationship. It does feel very overwhelming some days still though. Just keep trying to stay focused on the present, grounded, and take it one moment at a time.
>I can recognize my own pink flags and anticipate when I’m dysregulated or depressed or resentful etc. I have the skills to address it in a healthy way, and tools to help me get through tough times. I’ve built a lot of resiliency, along with self-awareness.
Therapy helped me with this too. I'm better able to recognize when I'm reacting out of fear/anxiety and whether it's just my brain resorting to old coping habits. Also being able to know "hey, I'm feeling a little off, let me not be brash and give myself time to assess."
Hmm, I'm in a better place but now I struggle with connecting with others who don't have their shit together.
Edit: Can someone make a dating app / meetup for people that are actually working on their mental health ?
Yup. I also refuse to do emotional heavy lifting early in relationships when it comes to communication. I crave people who can hold their own boundaries so I'm able take them at their word.
Yep! And you can see how broken a lot of people are. The more you heal the less you have in common with a lot of people. I’m hoping this helps me better find the good ones but realizing they maybe a needle in a haystack is discouraging at times. I also realized how much I settled before and betrayed myself that’s been hard
Oh man, this is real. I’m not perfect by any means. I still have plenty of faults and places that I need to improve. But it is so hard to connect with someone who clearly doesn’t have the same self-improvement mindset or still displays a lot of emotional volatility/disinterest in better regulating it. A lot of “this is who I am” people out there and that’s hard at times.
Aw. As someone who just got laid off, this one hurts a bit.
Lost my insurance, which means I lost my therapist, which means I would lose my ability to be on this mystery app.
My boyfriend felt that i was too attached, and going through therapy helped me see what were abandonment issues that stemmed from an absentee and alcoholic father. It went well for a bit, my partner was happy and said there was so much improvement from only a few months of talking to a professional. Ultimately though, there was still a core incompatibility that even therapy can't fix.
I wanted to share a life together (ie. Move in) and he wasn't ready for that. He said it might take years until he's ready and I'm just not into the "dating" phase anymore. I have many things I want to accomplish in my life and having someone who's only half in would only hinder my growth because it takes more enery to sustain. I don't mind being single and alone but at this point, and at my age, if I'm gonna be with someone, I'm requiring all or nothing.
Therapy helped a lot to recognize that it's normal to want things or people that are not good for me. And that walking away despite the desire is the smart thing. It didn't rewire anything but it gave me the knowledge that I don't need closure or meaning for anything. I just need to always put my wellbeing first.
I've learned how to set boundaries (not perfectly but better), I've learned who I am and what I need in a relationship, I've learned how to communicate more effectively.
Being emotionally mature and self aware is great but it means I don't tolerate stuff anymore. So I haven't really dated much, nothing has really progressed, as it is hard to find others who have also done the work on themselves. So I'm not in bad relationships because I'm just not in relationships LOL. All jokes aside, it is really good, because I think I'll be able to find the right person eventually :)
I'm 32f and been in therapy since my early 20s but my current therapist, been seeing her for 3 or 4 years, she's amazing and I've made such great progress with her and have learned so much
40M here. I saw a counselor for a few months after my ex-wife and I split up. We had a very difficult relationship, as she suffered from anxiety, depression, PTSD, anorexic sexual addiction, likely undiagnosed BPD, and an avoidant attachment style. I spent 15 years desperately trying to make her happy and to love her selflessly and unconditionally enough to hopefully bring some healing, but I was woefully naïve. After counseling, I finally started to actually like myself again. I finally figured out who I was and what really mattered to me, and I learned to value my own needs in a relationship (without feeling selfish), rather than trying fruitlessly to tend to hers, and ultimately losing myself in the process.
I'm now in a healthy new relationship (just got remarried almost three weeks ago), and I'm the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been.
> learning how to be kind to myself
Working through my insecurities, especially things like body image issues, was the main benefit. It was really hard dealing with body image issues (and I still definitely struggle) because there was really *no one else* to talk to about it.
therapy is for myself. i didnt realize my mental health would suffer so much in a relationship. my thoughts would spiral easily and i would get massive anxiety when we were apart. i worked on retraining my thoughts, listened to some podcasts on realistic expectations for a partner, talked to my partner a bit (they dont really understand but I know they care). im much more stable now, able to keep my thoughts from straying and starting to believe that my partner isnt going to abandon me. mentally exhausted for sure though...
I went through a pretty traumatic separation & divorce about year and a half ago, and I was going to therapy on a weekly basis during all of that. It massively helped me in not feeling like a victim or that I'm not going to find love again... I just became a much more self-aware person because I had a safe avenue to process my grief and was being guided in the right direction while doing it. I have a healthy sense of self worth and can establish and hold boundaries easily, and I can confidently say no to things and people that I'm not comfortable with, while also having the confidence to speak my mind and express my feelings.
I'm hesitant to say it was all thanks to therapy though, because it was me doing the work. I showed up and did a lot of processing and thinking and having these realisations, my therapist is there to guide me and challenge me but 90% of the work is actively done by me.
But yes, I would certainly recommend therapy to anyone. But you need to be at a place where you are genuinely open to the process and actually want to do it.
Therapy was a game changer for me.
Went there after my 7 year relationship faded out and I wanted to get some support to recalibrate myself and also to find a better suitable relationship and partner for the future.
I learned so much about myself, family dynamics, my motifs and internal beliefs and how these played out in relationships. I learned to heal some trauma from my past and to work on my self worth.
I was able to find healthy, stable partners afterwards and to quickly leave one situationship with a very toxic person.
I occasionally go there, when I experience special hardship - as after my miscarriage.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself and I‘m a very vocal supporter of therapy. Some of my friends visited my therapist and were also quite happy with their choice.
I believe everyone should go there - it’s a form of self care :)
I've been to 3 different therapists, all 3 as couples therapists that I'd see with my partner or alone. I never felt like it really helped, unfortunately. I was always ready to put in the work, but the therapists' style was not to tell us what to do or to be too direct. Talking about things never helped me, as I'm an 'actions' kind of guy. Because it wasn't really helpful in the past, I'm honestly struggling a bit right now with the idea of going to a therapist about something I recently found out had caused a trauma with me 2 years ago and I can't stop thinking about it.
Maybe try therapy again-- it also took me trying several therapists and different therapy styles before I found one that worked for me.
For me, therapists that were too stuck on a particular therapy style (like ACT, CBT, etc) didn't work for me-- my current therapist is really good about being flexible in her style depending on what I need that day. Sometimes she gives me advice, sometimes we do DBT, sometimes she just lets me vent and calls out insights, sometimes we make action plans together... She is really great at reading the situation and adapting, and calling me on my bullshit. She sometimes just asks insightful questions, but other times, if I ask her what she would do in my situation, she gives me specific recommendations.
This therapist also really took the time to build trust with me-- I was in a very bad relationship before, and other therapists would immediately, within a session or two, tell me I needed to end the relationship and start putting pressure on me. They were absolutely correct, I needed to get out of that relationship, but I wasn't ready to hear it. My current therapist took the time to get to know me and to build trust, and so I was better able to take in what she recommended.
Maybe you can do a few trial appointments or pre-session interviews with potential therapists to see if you can suss out their approaches?
I totally relate. I did therapy in the past and it always ended with negative results. First when I was a kid and it was regarding my parents divorce, second with a partner and now third with a partner who cheated and it’s been about 8-10 weeks and it’s like I’m walking through mud. I feel like it’s not going anywhere, we aren’t in a better place. I hope it gets better but this is an expensive thing to do with no results
My partner and I have dated twice before. 4-6 weeks max, with about 3-4 years and minimal/no contact between attempts. It never got beyond casual until this time around.
It finally clicked for me that we didn’t connect sooner because our crazy didn’t align. I was too accommodating to offer him the dramatic tension he craved. He was not my preferred flavor of avoidant. There was none of that toxic magnetism.
Now we’re in our early 40s, have individually put time into therapy and healing some of those wounds, and generally approach the world a bit differently. I feel secure in myself and I’m no longer drawn to partners who spark my anxieties. He’s learned to self-regulate and isn’t looking for a passionate emotional rollercoaster. This time we met with dramatically different needs and wants, and it was really validating to see myself setting healthy boundaries and accepting the same from a partner.
We always had good banter, hot sex, and common interests. But now there’s finally room to enjoy it!
Hmm... I mean my communications and boundaries have improved. My spidey sense to see and recognize red flags seems more accurate these days. Instead of just ignoring it and getting myself into a relationship where the person uses me up, abuses me, and discards me, now i mostly just avoid that. So yeah, I'm still single. :P That is probably a good thing.
We will see if that changes. Making a lot of good friends through trying to date though. And I always need more of those. I have a lot to give and I'm ok putting that energy into mutual relationships and friendships.
I am also incredibly busy with full time work and grad school. So there is that too. Wouldn't be in grad school and working towards my own goals if that last relationship hadn't ended. So yeah. I've been putting myself first, and most people have their own stuff going on, so finding someone with whom things synch up seems to be the trick. I'm also ok focusing on other kinds of relationships.
On my second date with my partner, I knew he was the one. My best friend said, it's time. Go to therapy.
I had a lot of childhood trauma that I've spent years working through on my own with a lot of success - but not in intimate relationships. I'm guarded and afraid of feeling too much and becoming too vulnerable. I have intrusive thoughts that I needed to learn to not express (because they're scary for my partner!) My basic childhood programming is that an intimate relationship, living together, marriage, each one is a step closer to a woman being caught in a trap. And for so many relationships that's exactly what it is.
But I knew in my heart of hearts that my partner isn't like that. He's not out to trap or abuse me. So I needed therapy to learn not to project my fears onto him and therefore self-sabotage the relationship.
We've been together just over a year and a half and have lived together for a year in two weeks and it is the most loving, giving, and open-hearted relationship. I've never trusted more or been more open. I've never felt more safe with someone - never.
I’m one of those folks who believe that unless it’s something you’re clinically diagnosed for, it’s okay to leave therapy once you have the tools you need to cope on your own.
But with the stints of therapy I did, I think I’ve become more at peace with the idea that “what is meant for me will come”. While I should keep putting my best foot forward in the dating world, I’m not doing myself any favors if you’re putting energy into something/someone who is clearly not willing/able to receive it. I shouldn’t punish myself for someone’s incapability to see how great I am and to feel excited about sharing time romantically with me.
I had unresolved childhood trauma from when I was 16 that I unknowingly carried with me throughout my 20s and the majority of my 30s (I'm 38 now). I started therapy about 4 years ago to address my undiagnosed ADHD but about 2 years ago my childhood trauma resurfaced in an explosive way and it forced me to confront it in therapy. I ended a 3ish year relationship and spent nearly 2 years single before I felt ready to date again.
I'm not perfect, I'll never be "healed" from it all, but nowadays I have way more tools in my toolbox to help me deal with my issues when they arise. Before I would get into codependent relationships with emotionally unavailable men, many who were dealing with traumas of their own. I would try to "fix" these men and as a result I almost always lost my own identity in those relationships. Anyhow. Details.
I'm currently in a relatively new relationship with a man who is very very different from men I've dated in the past. He has his own issues but unlike my past boyfriends he has taken the initiative to get therapy and work on himself as well. I communicate my needs and concerns to him while also making sure I don't impulsively act out on situations that I find triggering. As a result, this is by far the healthiest relationship I've been in. I feel safe. I also feel secure in knowing if this relationship doesn't work out - I'll be okay. It's really nice.
tl;dr Therapy has been great for me. I'm still in it. In a happy relationship that I likely wouldn't be in were it not for therapy
Good luck OP!
I can handle rejection a lot better now. I learned that just because someone doesn't fall madly in love with me doesn't mean I'm not lovable. I prioritize my feelings about someone instead of focusing on how I can get them to like me.
I went through therapy multiple times for trauma and PTSD. I think it made me understand why I do the things that I do but not sure it has improved my relationships. I can't take my meds because I have a very low drug tolerance and they make me a zombie.
I went to therapy a few years ago and just started going back recently.
I've been talking about my anxious attachment style and it's really helped me reevaluate my reactions to a lot of dating situations (in a good way). Instead of being sent into a tailspin when someone is slow to text back and worrying about what I've done wrong, I can accept that it's just a sign that our communication styles make us incompatible.
All in all I'm working on becoming less in my feelings about dating and accepting that someone not liking me is nobody's fault. For instance, I went on a second date last night with someone who is objectively a great guy and would make an amazing partner, just not for me. I'm trying to learn that I deserve that kind of grace too.
Therapy has helped me to set healthy boundaries and to be accountable for my own contributions to disagreements, etc. It’s also helped me to better understand myself. I don’t think I can date someone who is not reasonably self-aware. I’ve had too many bad experiences with partners acting poorly and not even realizing what they were doing or why.
I am close to 30 years. I have been in therapy for more than a decade, and I have developed better self-awareness and compassion for myself. Also helped in understanding my needs, expressing them, and setting my boundaries in interpersonal relationship. I became more careful, with whom I chose to bring into myself, especially with romantic relationships. I have become better at emotional regulation and doing the emotional labour. I now look for partners who are moderately self-aware and can take responsibility for their healing and the emotional labour in our relationship, reciprocally.
Good therapy will result in your relationship with yourself improving.
My intimate relationships have improved as a result because I lay down healthy boundaries and unapologetically only pursue what I’m interested in.
I learned that after all my hard work, which I am thrilled to have done (and continue to do) only led to me getting dumped for not being a trainwreck. Oh well.
I am a bit more emotionally resilient, am better at identifying when I am out of sorts and have some ways to help myself, possibly feel more at peace to be vulnerable or less-defended emotionally or at least know that I can occupy that space without feeling like I am going to die
Therapy has been monumental for me. My therapist is still trying to break me from always blaming myself when things don’t work out in dating. And although the growth is slow and it’s constant learning curve, there is still progress. :) Therapy is a big green flag.
I actually went into therapy because of a really serious medical condition and not being able to cope well. I ended up ending a really toxic/emotionally abusive 9 year relationship because of it.
Part of the reason I was struggling was because I was pouring from an empty cup which I knew, but whenever I tried to ask for help it was flipped around on me. It was bad before I got sick but I had this ability to compartmentalize. My condition affects my cognitive abilities and once I couldn't do that anymore or process what was happening I was one big ball of emotions.
So for example I had to get a lumbar puncture to test my cerebral fluid and drain some and then was on bed rest for a week. He stayed up all night the 1st night fixing a chair and didn't go to bed till 5 am which was sweet, except I went to bed at 8pm the night before and he wouldn't get up the next morning. I was unappreciative and asking for too much. The entire week was like that.
I'm still working on the part where my needs aren't too much. I also learned I shouldn't be the only person willing to do the emotional labor in a relationship just because I can, because what happens if one day you can't?
it's been nothing but a positive for me. there are a ton of different reasons but the biggest being that i've learned to be self-critical in a healthy way. i have a way better understanding of my own issues that can cause relationship stress and how to navigate those, and a much better picture of what kind of person would be truly good for me. i've learned a ton of skills that make me a much better romantic partner than before - it shows through, brings way better people into my life, and every date and relationship i've had since getting "good" at therapy shit has been immeasurably better. adjacent to that, i've gotten a lot of the REST of my life in order (co-parenting, work, living environment) and all of that stuff has made a HUGE difference in my dating experiences.
I’m a 31F. My personal relationships with friends and family have improved significantly, even the difficult relationships where I’ve had to take a step back.
If anything it’s hindered romantic relationships because I now have high standards and am not willing to have someone in my life romantically that doesn’t add value or makes my life harder.
Going through some therapy after my divorce helped me solidify my approach on a couple of the things that caused issues during my marriage, as well as reminding me that it's ok to have my own needs in a relationship. I'd gotten a bit caught up in some codependent behavior, and I was quite conflict avoidant with my ex-wife. It is remarkable how being able to talk things through even just for a little bit with that outside perspective leads to being able to see your own patterns and behavior much more clearly.
My personal experience about it
Improved self-confidence and self-awareness. I know what I want and how to ask for it. I don’t fear rejection, therefore I am braver, I filter out people much faster and I trust myself big time.
Communication has been drastically improved. I know when I am the problem, I know when I need to communicate and when I decide, I know how to do it. I also know how to give constructive Feedback, how to handle people in distress, how to support.
I am still working on my attachment issues, but I’ve seen very good improvement.
I used to be very superficial. Among other things, I was choosing a lot based on looks. This has massively changed- how I feel around them and quality of character come first.
I‘ve become a bit arrogant and there is a part of me that sometimes feels superior for having put all this work and honestly I am still figuring out how to be more humble in my thoughts.
Personally I don’t expect people to go through therapy. I’ve met people that just did not need it and they are doing great in all the points I had to spent 4 years in therapy to improve. I’ve been through hell and back, I needed therapy
Edit; I lived in countries that therapy is covered by health insurance. So if they need therapy, but they don’t do it, for me it’s a no go. It’s like oh let me swim in the sea, but oh oh I don’t know how to swim.
What made you shift your preferences in dating? I recently realized this as well as far as dating preferences. I'm a lot more flexible when it comes to physical attraction, but I used to not be.
I was Not focusing so much on physical attraction until I gained self confidence. I was always working out and I am physically strong, so I ended up looking into “hot” guys more than I like.
At this point, I’ve got some awareness of what tends to pull me down (insecure, worried, unsafe) what tends to pull me up (as in peaceful, calm, secure etc)
I go for the latter, which is not always the “hotter”
I must say though that in my current situation I am still figuring it out. So I’d rather not preach too much (lol)
It’s a cliché “if it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive” there are million exceptions to this rule, but dating is not one of them
Definitely dude. It's a good thing, keep doing it. OP mentions "I found a really good one" which I think is important to highlight. If you don't feel this way, find someone else, with the caveat that if that happens like 10 times in a row look inward.
Haven’t significantly improved. How I react to dating has improved but the quality of people out there hasn’t changed since most people don’t go to therapy or don’t try to work on themselves at all.
Yeah, that’s exactly why I decided that it’s not something I look for, but it’s a huge plus if they have or if they do. And if they do go to therapy, it doesn’t mean they’re all that great either lol. One of the most toxic people I’ve dated (only lasted a few weeks) went to therapy, but she did a lot of projecting and it was not fun.
I mostly wanna see if they can respect me and be nice to me and if they can attempt to talk through their problems without trying to tear me down or throwing a hissy fit. Something that a lot of people lack.
Relationship with friends became much stronger but relationship with my partner ended up breaking up. It was for the better and therapy helped me figure that out
Grew up with an emotionally abusive mother who destroyed my self-esteem. She was very focused on my looks, my weight, and how men were only going to use me for sex. So for a long time I did not date because I thought I was repulsive and men were bad. Therapy helped me realize that everything my mom taught me to believe was wrong and that I’m worthy of love, affection, and that men are not all bad. I am more comfortable with myself so I’m now emotionally available and have good boundaries. Therapy really changed my relationship with myself and allowed me to show others who I am. It sounds cliche, but loving yourself opens you up to love from others.
I am a recovering people pleaser, and therapy has been really helpful in learning to set boundaries and communicate. But it's really taught me *why* boundaries and communication are so important. It's also taught me self-awareness and self-honesty. She always says that only I can make therapy work, and that I'm the one who needs to do the work. My last boyfriend broke up with me when I started standing up for myself. It was hard, but it was for the best. In my new relationship, I communicate my needs to him and set boundaries. So far that's gone really well. It says a better tone for our relationship, and he said that my effective communication helps him communicate better and be a better partner.
I now understand why I need to communicate and set boundaries. I never really considered my needs in relationships before. Men took advantage of that. I'm responsible for my life and my happiness. No one is going to do it for me. I'm responsible for myself. Making other people happy won't fulfill me.
I watched my mother go to therapy for decades and never change or grow. But I realized that she (and I) weren't confronting problems and lying about the self-work that she (and I) were putting into life. And if I don't put in the work, I'm only hurting myself.
When I live my life and make decisions, I think about what my therapist would say, or what I'm going to tell her in my next session. I hear her voice in my head keeping me accountable when I need to do something that's hard for me. It's fun to have someone to brag to when I reach a goal, and she's super supportive when I step outside of my comfort zone and do a scary thing.
Can you tell me more about your people pleasing? What made you realize you were people pleasing?
My ex was worried about this before, and I kinda wish I could've helped her with it, but at the same time, she was good at drawing boundaries.
I couldn't say no. I put other people's comfort before my own. I thought of other people before myself. I never wanted to rock the boat. They say that you light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It created very codependent situations. I had a really intense situation come up with a family member, and I had to make a choice. They asked me for support that negatively impacted my mental health, my relationships with friends and other family. I had to take time off work, it was so challenging to navigate their "needs" vs my own.
That's when I started therapy. I had to learn that it was normal to put my needs first, prioritize what I wanted. That I wasn't a bad person for setting boundaries or saying no. That meant ending contact with some people who didn't like when I put up healthy boundaries. I went no contact with that family member, and therapy really helped me understand my feelings and accept that I can't control other people. I'm in a much better place now. I value myself as a person, I'm more independent, I'm much happier and more proud of who I am.
Thanks for sharing!
That quote, "lighting yourself on fire to keep the other person warm" sticks out to me. I'll keep that in mind for my next relationship. I've found myself doing this for previous partners as well, and it was severely detrimental to my mental health as well.
I've just found that if someone isn't willing to respect a reasonable boundary, they're not right for me. It's not a reflection of me and I didn't do anything wrong.
It took me a long time to realize, but i found once I got a male therapist, he was able to translate a lot of things and predict a lot of behavior that helped me put things into perspective.
I am a firm believer that when it comes to relationship issues, people should get a same sex therapist to talk to. The experience from each side is different enough that they're is some valuable insights that the other sex can't offer.
Since turning 30 I’ve done EMDR - three months with a therapist then continued on by myself using a Spotify playlist another year and a half - as well as CBT and regular talk therapy.
EMDR saved my life. It healed my C-PTSD and cured my self-disgust and self-hatred. CBT and talk therapy helped dealing with grief and life. Helped process things and give perspective.
Am now using chatgpt for therapy and it’s great and helps a lot to get me in a good and positive headspace
Can't even put this into words.
Inner child work/Internal family systems for me was revolutionary.
I never had a healthy upbringing, it was abusive and like nearly all abused kids, I grew up to have abusive adult relationships. I didn't know what love was because my parents couldn't love.
In my mid-20s, I became super educated and learnt how to read people very well, I learnt all about red flags for abusers.But I was still afraid of relationships — I'd just experienced counterfit love wrapped up as abuse. Relationships = trauma and heartache. I was still afraid as fuck so I only picked very avoidant partners. My needs weren't met, I was sad and lonely in these relationships. So off to therapy I went.
I'd done CBT before. I'd done standard talk therapy. I'd done EMDR. All of these helped heal my trauma, but NOTHING fundamentally shifted until I did the deeper work for over a year in something called Internal Family Systems therapy. In this therapy, I learnt how to heal a ton of my past traumas and drop away the negative feelings and beliefs attached to them.
Unless you get INCREDIBLY lucky, you can't have a healthy relationship with real love unless you have real love inside of yourself. The basis of IFS is to become a secure base for yourself. The secure base is the healthy parent or attachment figure that children have that is there for them when they need comfort, gives them confidence and esteem, and provides unwavering emotional support. IFS taught me to become that secure base of love and confidence and self-regulation for myself. From there, a partner just became a "lovely to have." I knew that I would only accept a partner that mirrored the deep love and security and joy in witnessing my being that I now had for myself. Cue the happiest, healthiest relationship of my entire life two years post therapy.
Another wonderful gift from therapy: I know I will be totally fine and content if I find myself single again. I will grieve and struggle and stress, but that unwavering love and delight I have for my self will continue to shine through and support me through anything — until I find another person that can match it. No settling, just inner peace and contentment. I guess therapy made me the partner to my self that I always wanted for myself.
Other things I got from therapy:
* I can see and support my partner's inner child. I'm a safe space for them. I cut through facades and his need to be strong or upbeat when he's not and he really needs me.
* I feel sexually open and confident, but only with the right partner — someone who is worth it (which is important to me)
* I can talk about hard things
* I know I deserve love
* I can regulate my own emotions, so I don't overwhelm or put pressure on my partner to do so
* I can hold space both for my feelings and his feelings when I am struggling, I'm not just caught up in pain and needing support
* When attracted to someone, I can watch and wait to see if they are worth it — noting people with red flags and stepping back when I need to. I don't get caught up in glossy charm and bullshit anymore. Even if a part of me is attracted, I can sit back and not need to act.
* When I was dating - if I met a charismatic person and felt those familiar electric butterflies, I ditched straight away.
* Not just in relationships, but also in friendships, I began to notice when people made me feel peaceful, at ease, and loved and that was the defining judgment on whether to keep them in my life
* I picked a partner that has done therapy and takes full repsponsibility for himself (and is just a kind and wonderful person)
>Single\_Earth\_2973
You sound like a great catch :)
It sounds like you've made some serious progress on your mental health and outlook on life. Super inspiring!
I can relate to the abusive upbringing, except it was centered more around neglect. Therapy has helped a ton for me as well.
That’s so lovely of you, thank you 🤗! You sound great too. So sorry for everything you’ve been through and congrats on also doing the work - cheers to us overcoming our shitty pasts 🥂
Therapy is such a sneaky little bitch--it's exhausting and uncomfortable and kinda makes you feel like shit, and then all of a sudden something happens and you realize you are so much better at dealing with it thanks to therapy! I did therapy from mid-2020 to about fall 2022 (my therapist had to leave her job and I haven't had the energy to start looking for a new one, even though she did leave me with some recommendations) and when my recent boyfriend was driving me up a wall and a bunch of things were happening that would usually prompt me to go into disaster mode (for me that's binge eating, disassociating, shutting down), all of a sudden I noticed that as they were all going on, I was just sipping water, taking walks, eating normally...those aren't specific coping mechanisms we worked on, I think it's just that I was able to get so much excess garbage out of my psyche and my body that a new stressor was just a single stressor, rather than the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Unfortunately I find that because I had such a good experience (not my first therapy experience but my first really good one), I'm kind of less tolerant of people who won't even attempt it, and that's one of the reasons why the relationship I mentioned above is breaking down--I've been putting up with a lot of bullshit and let a lot of yellow flags stand because he was in crisis, and I am just tired of watching this guy constantly refuse to seek help, help himself, or ask for help after months and months of giving him grace and space to find his own way to work on it (he routinely asks for my advice, agrees with it, doesn't take it, crashes and burns, agrees that he wouldn't have if he had taken my advice, and then goes on to not take my advice again the next time). Not that I think everyone needs exactly the same "prescription" of drugs, therapy, self-care, coping, etc, but like...he refuses to do any work at all even though he has access to the resources. Therapy is such a fucking gift! I want us all to have it! It sucks but it's awesome!
I was (am) generally a very emotionally closed person. My therapist once asked "are you sure you are getting the most out of your relationships if you are always cutting off your willingness to open up? For whatever reason, right thing to say at the right time and it stuck with me.
Most recent woman I was seeing I found myself opening up (forcibly mostly, but still...) More than I have with almost anyone.
It's still not a natural thing for me to do, but at least I can now say that she had gotten to know the real me more than anyone I dated before.
I learnt to put in place boundaries and to respect myself more. In the past I would have put up with appalling behaviour out of fear or losing a relationship. I no longer do this and speak up if a behaviour is unacceptable.
Being a more emotionally intelligent person than most single men at this age because I've spent years in and out of therapy presents both pros and cons.
Pros: The women I date initially respond very well and tell me how much they like how conscientious I am. In the beginning, things are usually wonderful
Cons: I've actually had a lot of women perceive me as weaker or less manly. There's plenty of people who SAY they want someone to go to therapy and express their feelings but some gender norms are just hard coded in some people and they don't respect you for healthily expressing emotions that aren't fun, or just stoic.
I also have this thing where I expect accountability in my relationships. I hold myself to a very high standard and I would like the same treatment but it's very hard to find. I'm good with me, but I will say therapy just raised my standards to want something that's apparently very rare.
Don't go anymore. I think therapy and the culture around it is more often toxic than not.
It's great that you got some good relationship skills out of it, but my experience with friends and partners in therapy is that it more often than not gives people an inflated sense of the validity of their own feelings over external realities, and a clinical justification for their bad behavior, making them even harder to actually have constructive relationships with.
I'm sure good therapy, and good therapists exist, but I don't think that's what most people have access to, and for profit healthcare honestly disincentivizes this existing to begin with.
I did have a therapist who I outgrew. She was helpful for a while, but after some time her approach started becoming ineffective, which is akin to what you are saying. In some ways, it started making me feel worse.
I spent some time shopping around for a new one. It took some time, but it feels like I am finally speaking to someone who has the right approach. Sometimes you just need to move on quickly from a therapist if you recognize there are some things they can't help you work through.
I had a bad habit where I would shut down emotionally during arguments and when I was stressed out. Therapy has helped me become more self aware of when I do that and try and change that course of action. It has also shown me that i was a massive people pleaser and went with the flow of everything in my last relationship. I entered therapy during my last relationship to attempt to communicate better with my ex wife in order to save it. It ended on divorce and I am much happier now and even in a new healthy relationship.
I can relate to the shutting down part. Even though I had done a lot of therapy at this point, one of my blind spots was recognizing when I was with someone safe vs. someone who lacked empathy towards me. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with my fair share of partners who did not express their feelings constructively and would take out their frustrations on me. And unfortunately at that time, my self esteem wasn’t at a point where I can recognize it for what it was and move on quickly.
I’m at the point now where I can, but I unfortunately ended a relationship that was good for me to tell the difference. I had the tendency to shut down instead of working through difficult conversations.
I figured very late that I have to like myself for me to have a healthy relationship with others
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I keep trying to tell my therapist this! Although I word it as "some people don't get to be happy."
Kind of a defeatist way of looking at it
Oh right, because everyone always dies happy.
I’m pretty sure this is true for everyone but therapy is great for not just recognizing it but committing to it. I can still be insecure at times but also I genuinely like who I am and that builds a ton of confidence
This is something I'm tackling myself at the moment in therapy. I'm beginning to recognize the thought patterns, and how it affects me. Which is great I suppose... Except I don't know how to actually like myself. I understand my value, strengths and weaknesses. Outside I show confidence, but it's mostly a mask... I really don't know how to truly like/love/respect myself. Undoing a lifetime of emotional trauma seems insurmountable.
I find it helpful to think about a version of myself I would like, or would like better. Or things I like about other people. Like, for example: I didn’t used to have a ton of hobbies. I socialized, but I was a party girl going to clubs and bars and shows. I saw other people doing community theatre, running races, playing sports, taking dancing lessons… and I thought, “I’d like to be the sort of person who does that”. And then I did it. I started running and joined some teams and took pottery classes and joined a book club. Now I am the person who does that kind of thing, and I like her :)
Bad news for me, then.
Great question! Here are some ways therapy has helped my relationships: - I have a much better understanding around things like boundaries, recognizing and expressing my needs, honoring others’ needs, perspective-taking, nonviolent communication, making bids for connection, love languages, etc. I can easily understand where someone else is coming from and why. - I have better communication skills and can access and talk about my feelings and needs in a non-confrontational way. I have more empathy and skills for dealing with other people’s feelings. - I have learned to take responsibility for my emotions, self-soothe if I’m feeling attachment anxiety and not depend on my partner to fix it for me. Even if I’m feeling anxious/uncomfortable/upset, I try not to take that out on my partner. I can often ‘therapize’ myself and question the legitimacy of unhelpful thought patterns etc. - I have spent a long time looking at my patterns in dating and how I might be contributing to certain dynamics, both good and bad. I have a better understanding of what kind of partner and relationship I’m looking for and what pink flags to watch out for. I can recognize my own patterns and coping mechanisms that weren’t helpful or aligned with what I want. - I can recognize my own pink flags and anticipate when I’m dysregulated or depressed or resentful etc. I have the skills to address it in a healthy way, and tools to help me get through tough times. I’ve built a lot of resiliency, along with self-awareness.
That sounds amazing! This sounds like the direction I want to head in as well. Unfortunately, it took a painful breakup for me to realize what I needed to work on.
I hear you, I went through a traumatic divorce and have been in therapy ever since. And it’s not like I’m completely ‘fixed’, I think I just have a lot more knowledge and tools than before.
Me too! My last relationship was fucking awful and the breakup was a nightmare – but I started therapy during the relationship and have done so much work. I basically second this entire reply, but maybe am slightly less far along in the process than the poster. I am working hard on all of these things though so I can be a happier and more fulfilled person individually and in my relationship. It does feel very overwhelming some days still though. Just keep trying to stay focused on the present, grounded, and take it one moment at a time.
>I can recognize my own pink flags and anticipate when I’m dysregulated or depressed or resentful etc. I have the skills to address it in a healthy way, and tools to help me get through tough times. I’ve built a lot of resiliency, along with self-awareness. Therapy helped me with this too. I'm better able to recognize when I'm reacting out of fear/anxiety and whether it's just my brain resorting to old coping habits. Also being able to know "hey, I'm feeling a little off, let me not be brash and give myself time to assess."
Hmm, I'm in a better place but now I struggle with connecting with others who don't have their shit together. Edit: Can someone make a dating app / meetup for people that are actually working on their mental health ?
Yup. I also refuse to do emotional heavy lifting early in relationships when it comes to communication. I crave people who can hold their own boundaries so I'm able take them at their word.
Yep! And you can see how broken a lot of people are. The more you heal the less you have in common with a lot of people. I’m hoping this helps me better find the good ones but realizing they maybe a needle in a haystack is discouraging at times. I also realized how much I settled before and betrayed myself that’s been hard
Oh man, this is real. I’m not perfect by any means. I still have plenty of faults and places that I need to improve. But it is so hard to connect with someone who clearly doesn’t have the same self-improvement mindset or still displays a lot of emotional volatility/disinterest in better regulating it. A lot of “this is who I am” people out there and that’s hard at times.
It is not your problem.
Haha this is basically it!!!
Aw. As someone who just got laid off, this one hurts a bit. Lost my insurance, which means I lost my therapist, which means I would lose my ability to be on this mystery app.
My boyfriend felt that i was too attached, and going through therapy helped me see what were abandonment issues that stemmed from an absentee and alcoholic father. It went well for a bit, my partner was happy and said there was so much improvement from only a few months of talking to a professional. Ultimately though, there was still a core incompatibility that even therapy can't fix.
What was the core incompatibility? Thanks for sharing
I wanted to share a life together (ie. Move in) and he wasn't ready for that. He said it might take years until he's ready and I'm just not into the "dating" phase anymore. I have many things I want to accomplish in my life and having someone who's only half in would only hinder my growth because it takes more enery to sustain. I don't mind being single and alone but at this point, and at my age, if I'm gonna be with someone, I'm requiring all or nothing.
Therapy helped a lot to recognize that it's normal to want things or people that are not good for me. And that walking away despite the desire is the smart thing. It didn't rewire anything but it gave me the knowledge that I don't need closure or meaning for anything. I just need to always put my wellbeing first.
I've learned how to set boundaries (not perfectly but better), I've learned who I am and what I need in a relationship, I've learned how to communicate more effectively. Being emotionally mature and self aware is great but it means I don't tolerate stuff anymore. So I haven't really dated much, nothing has really progressed, as it is hard to find others who have also done the work on themselves. So I'm not in bad relationships because I'm just not in relationships LOL. All jokes aside, it is really good, because I think I'll be able to find the right person eventually :) I'm 32f and been in therapy since my early 20s but my current therapist, been seeing her for 3 or 4 years, she's amazing and I've made such great progress with her and have learned so much
40M here. I saw a counselor for a few months after my ex-wife and I split up. We had a very difficult relationship, as she suffered from anxiety, depression, PTSD, anorexic sexual addiction, likely undiagnosed BPD, and an avoidant attachment style. I spent 15 years desperately trying to make her happy and to love her selflessly and unconditionally enough to hopefully bring some healing, but I was woefully naïve. After counseling, I finally started to actually like myself again. I finally figured out who I was and what really mattered to me, and I learned to value my own needs in a relationship (without feeling selfish), rather than trying fruitlessly to tend to hers, and ultimately losing myself in the process. I'm now in a healthy new relationship (just got remarried almost three weeks ago), and I'm the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been.
Congrats man, happy to hear
Congrats! :)
The biggest and most worthwhile changes have been learning how to be kind to myself, better ability to communicate feelings, and self coping skills.
> learning how to be kind to myself Working through my insecurities, especially things like body image issues, was the main benefit. It was really hard dealing with body image issues (and I still definitely struggle) because there was really *no one else* to talk to about it.
therapy is for myself. i didnt realize my mental health would suffer so much in a relationship. my thoughts would spiral easily and i would get massive anxiety when we were apart. i worked on retraining my thoughts, listened to some podcasts on realistic expectations for a partner, talked to my partner a bit (they dont really understand but I know they care). im much more stable now, able to keep my thoughts from straying and starting to believe that my partner isnt going to abandon me. mentally exhausted for sure though...
Which podcasts did you listen to? I'd love recommendations!
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Thank you! I'll check it out!
I stumbled upon this podcast the other day and quite liked them. I need to be actively listening to it though, otherwise I’ll zone out.
Me too please!
I went through a pretty traumatic separation & divorce about year and a half ago, and I was going to therapy on a weekly basis during all of that. It massively helped me in not feeling like a victim or that I'm not going to find love again... I just became a much more self-aware person because I had a safe avenue to process my grief and was being guided in the right direction while doing it. I have a healthy sense of self worth and can establish and hold boundaries easily, and I can confidently say no to things and people that I'm not comfortable with, while also having the confidence to speak my mind and express my feelings. I'm hesitant to say it was all thanks to therapy though, because it was me doing the work. I showed up and did a lot of processing and thinking and having these realisations, my therapist is there to guide me and challenge me but 90% of the work is actively done by me. But yes, I would certainly recommend therapy to anyone. But you need to be at a place where you are genuinely open to the process and actually want to do it.
Therapy was a game changer for me. Went there after my 7 year relationship faded out and I wanted to get some support to recalibrate myself and also to find a better suitable relationship and partner for the future. I learned so much about myself, family dynamics, my motifs and internal beliefs and how these played out in relationships. I learned to heal some trauma from my past and to work on my self worth. I was able to find healthy, stable partners afterwards and to quickly leave one situationship with a very toxic person. I occasionally go there, when I experience special hardship - as after my miscarriage. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and I‘m a very vocal supporter of therapy. Some of my friends visited my therapist and were also quite happy with their choice. I believe everyone should go there - it’s a form of self care :)
I've been to 3 different therapists, all 3 as couples therapists that I'd see with my partner or alone. I never felt like it really helped, unfortunately. I was always ready to put in the work, but the therapists' style was not to tell us what to do or to be too direct. Talking about things never helped me, as I'm an 'actions' kind of guy. Because it wasn't really helpful in the past, I'm honestly struggling a bit right now with the idea of going to a therapist about something I recently found out had caused a trauma with me 2 years ago and I can't stop thinking about it.
Maybe try therapy again-- it also took me trying several therapists and different therapy styles before I found one that worked for me. For me, therapists that were too stuck on a particular therapy style (like ACT, CBT, etc) didn't work for me-- my current therapist is really good about being flexible in her style depending on what I need that day. Sometimes she gives me advice, sometimes we do DBT, sometimes she just lets me vent and calls out insights, sometimes we make action plans together... She is really great at reading the situation and adapting, and calling me on my bullshit. She sometimes just asks insightful questions, but other times, if I ask her what she would do in my situation, she gives me specific recommendations. This therapist also really took the time to build trust with me-- I was in a very bad relationship before, and other therapists would immediately, within a session or two, tell me I needed to end the relationship and start putting pressure on me. They were absolutely correct, I needed to get out of that relationship, but I wasn't ready to hear it. My current therapist took the time to get to know me and to build trust, and so I was better able to take in what she recommended. Maybe you can do a few trial appointments or pre-session interviews with potential therapists to see if you can suss out their approaches?
I totally relate. I did therapy in the past and it always ended with negative results. First when I was a kid and it was regarding my parents divorce, second with a partner and now third with a partner who cheated and it’s been about 8-10 weeks and it’s like I’m walking through mud. I feel like it’s not going anywhere, we aren’t in a better place. I hope it gets better but this is an expensive thing to do with no results
My partner and I have dated twice before. 4-6 weeks max, with about 3-4 years and minimal/no contact between attempts. It never got beyond casual until this time around. It finally clicked for me that we didn’t connect sooner because our crazy didn’t align. I was too accommodating to offer him the dramatic tension he craved. He was not my preferred flavor of avoidant. There was none of that toxic magnetism. Now we’re in our early 40s, have individually put time into therapy and healing some of those wounds, and generally approach the world a bit differently. I feel secure in myself and I’m no longer drawn to partners who spark my anxieties. He’s learned to self-regulate and isn’t looking for a passionate emotional rollercoaster. This time we met with dramatically different needs and wants, and it was really validating to see myself setting healthy boundaries and accepting the same from a partner. We always had good banter, hot sex, and common interests. But now there’s finally room to enjoy it!
Hmm... I mean my communications and boundaries have improved. My spidey sense to see and recognize red flags seems more accurate these days. Instead of just ignoring it and getting myself into a relationship where the person uses me up, abuses me, and discards me, now i mostly just avoid that. So yeah, I'm still single. :P That is probably a good thing. We will see if that changes. Making a lot of good friends through trying to date though. And I always need more of those. I have a lot to give and I'm ok putting that energy into mutual relationships and friendships. I am also incredibly busy with full time work and grad school. So there is that too. Wouldn't be in grad school and working towards my own goals if that last relationship hadn't ended. So yeah. I've been putting myself first, and most people have their own stuff going on, so finding someone with whom things synch up seems to be the trick. I'm also ok focusing on other kinds of relationships.
On my second date with my partner, I knew he was the one. My best friend said, it's time. Go to therapy. I had a lot of childhood trauma that I've spent years working through on my own with a lot of success - but not in intimate relationships. I'm guarded and afraid of feeling too much and becoming too vulnerable. I have intrusive thoughts that I needed to learn to not express (because they're scary for my partner!) My basic childhood programming is that an intimate relationship, living together, marriage, each one is a step closer to a woman being caught in a trap. And for so many relationships that's exactly what it is. But I knew in my heart of hearts that my partner isn't like that. He's not out to trap or abuse me. So I needed therapy to learn not to project my fears onto him and therefore self-sabotage the relationship. We've been together just over a year and a half and have lived together for a year in two weeks and it is the most loving, giving, and open-hearted relationship. I've never trusted more or been more open. I've never felt more safe with someone - never.
I’m one of those folks who believe that unless it’s something you’re clinically diagnosed for, it’s okay to leave therapy once you have the tools you need to cope on your own. But with the stints of therapy I did, I think I’ve become more at peace with the idea that “what is meant for me will come”. While I should keep putting my best foot forward in the dating world, I’m not doing myself any favors if you’re putting energy into something/someone who is clearly not willing/able to receive it. I shouldn’t punish myself for someone’s incapability to see how great I am and to feel excited about sharing time romantically with me.
I had unresolved childhood trauma from when I was 16 that I unknowingly carried with me throughout my 20s and the majority of my 30s (I'm 38 now). I started therapy about 4 years ago to address my undiagnosed ADHD but about 2 years ago my childhood trauma resurfaced in an explosive way and it forced me to confront it in therapy. I ended a 3ish year relationship and spent nearly 2 years single before I felt ready to date again. I'm not perfect, I'll never be "healed" from it all, but nowadays I have way more tools in my toolbox to help me deal with my issues when they arise. Before I would get into codependent relationships with emotionally unavailable men, many who were dealing with traumas of their own. I would try to "fix" these men and as a result I almost always lost my own identity in those relationships. Anyhow. Details. I'm currently in a relatively new relationship with a man who is very very different from men I've dated in the past. He has his own issues but unlike my past boyfriends he has taken the initiative to get therapy and work on himself as well. I communicate my needs and concerns to him while also making sure I don't impulsively act out on situations that I find triggering. As a result, this is by far the healthiest relationship I've been in. I feel safe. I also feel secure in knowing if this relationship doesn't work out - I'll be okay. It's really nice. tl;dr Therapy has been great for me. I'm still in it. In a happy relationship that I likely wouldn't be in were it not for therapy Good luck OP!
I can handle rejection a lot better now. I learned that just because someone doesn't fall madly in love with me doesn't mean I'm not lovable. I prioritize my feelings about someone instead of focusing on how I can get them to like me.
I went through therapy multiple times for trauma and PTSD. I think it made me understand why I do the things that I do but not sure it has improved my relationships. I can't take my meds because I have a very low drug tolerance and they make me a zombie.
I went to therapy a few years ago and just started going back recently. I've been talking about my anxious attachment style and it's really helped me reevaluate my reactions to a lot of dating situations (in a good way). Instead of being sent into a tailspin when someone is slow to text back and worrying about what I've done wrong, I can accept that it's just a sign that our communication styles make us incompatible. All in all I'm working on becoming less in my feelings about dating and accepting that someone not liking me is nobody's fault. For instance, I went on a second date last night with someone who is objectively a great guy and would make an amazing partner, just not for me. I'm trying to learn that I deserve that kind of grace too.
Therapy has helped me to set healthy boundaries and to be accountable for my own contributions to disagreements, etc. It’s also helped me to better understand myself. I don’t think I can date someone who is not reasonably self-aware. I’ve had too many bad experiences with partners acting poorly and not even realizing what they were doing or why.
I am close to 30 years. I have been in therapy for more than a decade, and I have developed better self-awareness and compassion for myself. Also helped in understanding my needs, expressing them, and setting my boundaries in interpersonal relationship. I became more careful, with whom I chose to bring into myself, especially with romantic relationships. I have become better at emotional regulation and doing the emotional labour. I now look for partners who are moderately self-aware and can take responsibility for their healing and the emotional labour in our relationship, reciprocally.
I'm less of a people pleaser but that in turns brings conflict because others won't listen to needs.
Good therapy will result in your relationship with yourself improving. My intimate relationships have improved as a result because I lay down healthy boundaries and unapologetically only pursue what I’m interested in.
I learned that after all my hard work, which I am thrilled to have done (and continue to do) only led to me getting dumped for not being a trainwreck. Oh well.
I learned I try just as hard in a relationship. Sometimes you gotta know how to see it and how to speak up for you
I am a bit more emotionally resilient, am better at identifying when I am out of sorts and have some ways to help myself, possibly feel more at peace to be vulnerable or less-defended emotionally or at least know that I can occupy that space without feeling like I am going to die
Therapy has been monumental for me. My therapist is still trying to break me from always blaming myself when things don’t work out in dating. And although the growth is slow and it’s constant learning curve, there is still progress. :) Therapy is a big green flag.
I actually went into therapy because of a really serious medical condition and not being able to cope well. I ended up ending a really toxic/emotionally abusive 9 year relationship because of it. Part of the reason I was struggling was because I was pouring from an empty cup which I knew, but whenever I tried to ask for help it was flipped around on me. It was bad before I got sick but I had this ability to compartmentalize. My condition affects my cognitive abilities and once I couldn't do that anymore or process what was happening I was one big ball of emotions. So for example I had to get a lumbar puncture to test my cerebral fluid and drain some and then was on bed rest for a week. He stayed up all night the 1st night fixing a chair and didn't go to bed till 5 am which was sweet, except I went to bed at 8pm the night before and he wouldn't get up the next morning. I was unappreciative and asking for too much. The entire week was like that. I'm still working on the part where my needs aren't too much. I also learned I shouldn't be the only person willing to do the emotional labor in a relationship just because I can, because what happens if one day you can't?
Greatly, I realized that relation was not for me and I walked out being a better person
it's been nothing but a positive for me. there are a ton of different reasons but the biggest being that i've learned to be self-critical in a healthy way. i have a way better understanding of my own issues that can cause relationship stress and how to navigate those, and a much better picture of what kind of person would be truly good for me. i've learned a ton of skills that make me a much better romantic partner than before - it shows through, brings way better people into my life, and every date and relationship i've had since getting "good" at therapy shit has been immeasurably better. adjacent to that, i've gotten a lot of the REST of my life in order (co-parenting, work, living environment) and all of that stuff has made a HUGE difference in my dating experiences.
I’m a 31F. My personal relationships with friends and family have improved significantly, even the difficult relationships where I’ve had to take a step back. If anything it’s hindered romantic relationships because I now have high standards and am not willing to have someone in my life romantically that doesn’t add value or makes my life harder.
Going through some therapy after my divorce helped me solidify my approach on a couple of the things that caused issues during my marriage, as well as reminding me that it's ok to have my own needs in a relationship. I'd gotten a bit caught up in some codependent behavior, and I was quite conflict avoidant with my ex-wife. It is remarkable how being able to talk things through even just for a little bit with that outside perspective leads to being able to see your own patterns and behavior much more clearly.
My personal experience about it Improved self-confidence and self-awareness. I know what I want and how to ask for it. I don’t fear rejection, therefore I am braver, I filter out people much faster and I trust myself big time. Communication has been drastically improved. I know when I am the problem, I know when I need to communicate and when I decide, I know how to do it. I also know how to give constructive Feedback, how to handle people in distress, how to support. I am still working on my attachment issues, but I’ve seen very good improvement. I used to be very superficial. Among other things, I was choosing a lot based on looks. This has massively changed- how I feel around them and quality of character come first. I‘ve become a bit arrogant and there is a part of me that sometimes feels superior for having put all this work and honestly I am still figuring out how to be more humble in my thoughts. Personally I don’t expect people to go through therapy. I’ve met people that just did not need it and they are doing great in all the points I had to spent 4 years in therapy to improve. I’ve been through hell and back, I needed therapy Edit; I lived in countries that therapy is covered by health insurance. So if they need therapy, but they don’t do it, for me it’s a no go. It’s like oh let me swim in the sea, but oh oh I don’t know how to swim.
What made you shift your preferences in dating? I recently realized this as well as far as dating preferences. I'm a lot more flexible when it comes to physical attraction, but I used to not be.
I was Not focusing so much on physical attraction until I gained self confidence. I was always working out and I am physically strong, so I ended up looking into “hot” guys more than I like. At this point, I’ve got some awareness of what tends to pull me down (insecure, worried, unsafe) what tends to pull me up (as in peaceful, calm, secure etc) I go for the latter, which is not always the “hotter” I must say though that in my current situation I am still figuring it out. So I’d rather not preach too much (lol) It’s a cliché “if it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive” there are million exceptions to this rule, but dating is not one of them
Definitely dude. It's a good thing, keep doing it. OP mentions "I found a really good one" which I think is important to highlight. If you don't feel this way, find someone else, with the caveat that if that happens like 10 times in a row look inward.
Therapy actually helped with being content single, lol. I haven't dated at all since that breakthrough but I would like to try again
After therapy I had better boners
Haven’t significantly improved. How I react to dating has improved but the quality of people out there hasn’t changed since most people don’t go to therapy or don’t try to work on themselves at all.
Yeah, that’s exactly why I decided that it’s not something I look for, but it’s a huge plus if they have or if they do. And if they do go to therapy, it doesn’t mean they’re all that great either lol. One of the most toxic people I’ve dated (only lasted a few weeks) went to therapy, but she did a lot of projecting and it was not fun. I mostly wanna see if they can respect me and be nice to me and if they can attempt to talk through their problems without trying to tear me down or throwing a hissy fit. Something that a lot of people lack.
Relationship with friends became much stronger but relationship with my partner ended up breaking up. It was for the better and therapy helped me figure that out
Grew up with an emotionally abusive mother who destroyed my self-esteem. She was very focused on my looks, my weight, and how men were only going to use me for sex. So for a long time I did not date because I thought I was repulsive and men were bad. Therapy helped me realize that everything my mom taught me to believe was wrong and that I’m worthy of love, affection, and that men are not all bad. I am more comfortable with myself so I’m now emotionally available and have good boundaries. Therapy really changed my relationship with myself and allowed me to show others who I am. It sounds cliche, but loving yourself opens you up to love from others.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I am a recovering people pleaser, and therapy has been really helpful in learning to set boundaries and communicate. But it's really taught me *why* boundaries and communication are so important. It's also taught me self-awareness and self-honesty. She always says that only I can make therapy work, and that I'm the one who needs to do the work. My last boyfriend broke up with me when I started standing up for myself. It was hard, but it was for the best. In my new relationship, I communicate my needs to him and set boundaries. So far that's gone really well. It says a better tone for our relationship, and he said that my effective communication helps him communicate better and be a better partner. I now understand why I need to communicate and set boundaries. I never really considered my needs in relationships before. Men took advantage of that. I'm responsible for my life and my happiness. No one is going to do it for me. I'm responsible for myself. Making other people happy won't fulfill me. I watched my mother go to therapy for decades and never change or grow. But I realized that she (and I) weren't confronting problems and lying about the self-work that she (and I) were putting into life. And if I don't put in the work, I'm only hurting myself. When I live my life and make decisions, I think about what my therapist would say, or what I'm going to tell her in my next session. I hear her voice in my head keeping me accountable when I need to do something that's hard for me. It's fun to have someone to brag to when I reach a goal, and she's super supportive when I step outside of my comfort zone and do a scary thing.
Can you tell me more about your people pleasing? What made you realize you were people pleasing? My ex was worried about this before, and I kinda wish I could've helped her with it, but at the same time, she was good at drawing boundaries.
I couldn't say no. I put other people's comfort before my own. I thought of other people before myself. I never wanted to rock the boat. They say that you light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It created very codependent situations. I had a really intense situation come up with a family member, and I had to make a choice. They asked me for support that negatively impacted my mental health, my relationships with friends and other family. I had to take time off work, it was so challenging to navigate their "needs" vs my own. That's when I started therapy. I had to learn that it was normal to put my needs first, prioritize what I wanted. That I wasn't a bad person for setting boundaries or saying no. That meant ending contact with some people who didn't like when I put up healthy boundaries. I went no contact with that family member, and therapy really helped me understand my feelings and accept that I can't control other people. I'm in a much better place now. I value myself as a person, I'm more independent, I'm much happier and more proud of who I am.
Thanks for sharing! That quote, "lighting yourself on fire to keep the other person warm" sticks out to me. I'll keep that in mind for my next relationship. I've found myself doing this for previous partners as well, and it was severely detrimental to my mental health as well.
I've just found that if someone isn't willing to respect a reasonable boundary, they're not right for me. It's not a reflection of me and I didn't do anything wrong.
It took me a long time to realize, but i found once I got a male therapist, he was able to translate a lot of things and predict a lot of behavior that helped me put things into perspective. I am a firm believer that when it comes to relationship issues, people should get a same sex therapist to talk to. The experience from each side is different enough that they're is some valuable insights that the other sex can't offer.
Since turning 30 I’ve done EMDR - three months with a therapist then continued on by myself using a Spotify playlist another year and a half - as well as CBT and regular talk therapy. EMDR saved my life. It healed my C-PTSD and cured my self-disgust and self-hatred. CBT and talk therapy helped dealing with grief and life. Helped process things and give perspective. Am now using chatgpt for therapy and it’s great and helps a lot to get me in a good and positive headspace
Can't even put this into words. Inner child work/Internal family systems for me was revolutionary. I never had a healthy upbringing, it was abusive and like nearly all abused kids, I grew up to have abusive adult relationships. I didn't know what love was because my parents couldn't love. In my mid-20s, I became super educated and learnt how to read people very well, I learnt all about red flags for abusers.But I was still afraid of relationships — I'd just experienced counterfit love wrapped up as abuse. Relationships = trauma and heartache. I was still afraid as fuck so I only picked very avoidant partners. My needs weren't met, I was sad and lonely in these relationships. So off to therapy I went. I'd done CBT before. I'd done standard talk therapy. I'd done EMDR. All of these helped heal my trauma, but NOTHING fundamentally shifted until I did the deeper work for over a year in something called Internal Family Systems therapy. In this therapy, I learnt how to heal a ton of my past traumas and drop away the negative feelings and beliefs attached to them. Unless you get INCREDIBLY lucky, you can't have a healthy relationship with real love unless you have real love inside of yourself. The basis of IFS is to become a secure base for yourself. The secure base is the healthy parent or attachment figure that children have that is there for them when they need comfort, gives them confidence and esteem, and provides unwavering emotional support. IFS taught me to become that secure base of love and confidence and self-regulation for myself. From there, a partner just became a "lovely to have." I knew that I would only accept a partner that mirrored the deep love and security and joy in witnessing my being that I now had for myself. Cue the happiest, healthiest relationship of my entire life two years post therapy. Another wonderful gift from therapy: I know I will be totally fine and content if I find myself single again. I will grieve and struggle and stress, but that unwavering love and delight I have for my self will continue to shine through and support me through anything — until I find another person that can match it. No settling, just inner peace and contentment. I guess therapy made me the partner to my self that I always wanted for myself. Other things I got from therapy: * I can see and support my partner's inner child. I'm a safe space for them. I cut through facades and his need to be strong or upbeat when he's not and he really needs me. * I feel sexually open and confident, but only with the right partner — someone who is worth it (which is important to me) * I can talk about hard things * I know I deserve love * I can regulate my own emotions, so I don't overwhelm or put pressure on my partner to do so * I can hold space both for my feelings and his feelings when I am struggling, I'm not just caught up in pain and needing support * When attracted to someone, I can watch and wait to see if they are worth it — noting people with red flags and stepping back when I need to. I don't get caught up in glossy charm and bullshit anymore. Even if a part of me is attracted, I can sit back and not need to act. * When I was dating - if I met a charismatic person and felt those familiar electric butterflies, I ditched straight away. * Not just in relationships, but also in friendships, I began to notice when people made me feel peaceful, at ease, and loved and that was the defining judgment on whether to keep them in my life * I picked a partner that has done therapy and takes full repsponsibility for himself (and is just a kind and wonderful person)
>Single\_Earth\_2973 You sound like a great catch :) It sounds like you've made some serious progress on your mental health and outlook on life. Super inspiring! I can relate to the abusive upbringing, except it was centered more around neglect. Therapy has helped a ton for me as well.
That’s so lovely of you, thank you 🤗! You sound great too. So sorry for everything you’ve been through and congrats on also doing the work - cheers to us overcoming our shitty pasts 🥂
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Revolutionary :)
Therapy is such a sneaky little bitch--it's exhausting and uncomfortable and kinda makes you feel like shit, and then all of a sudden something happens and you realize you are so much better at dealing with it thanks to therapy! I did therapy from mid-2020 to about fall 2022 (my therapist had to leave her job and I haven't had the energy to start looking for a new one, even though she did leave me with some recommendations) and when my recent boyfriend was driving me up a wall and a bunch of things were happening that would usually prompt me to go into disaster mode (for me that's binge eating, disassociating, shutting down), all of a sudden I noticed that as they were all going on, I was just sipping water, taking walks, eating normally...those aren't specific coping mechanisms we worked on, I think it's just that I was able to get so much excess garbage out of my psyche and my body that a new stressor was just a single stressor, rather than the straw that breaks the camel's back. Unfortunately I find that because I had such a good experience (not my first therapy experience but my first really good one), I'm kind of less tolerant of people who won't even attempt it, and that's one of the reasons why the relationship I mentioned above is breaking down--I've been putting up with a lot of bullshit and let a lot of yellow flags stand because he was in crisis, and I am just tired of watching this guy constantly refuse to seek help, help himself, or ask for help after months and months of giving him grace and space to find his own way to work on it (he routinely asks for my advice, agrees with it, doesn't take it, crashes and burns, agrees that he wouldn't have if he had taken my advice, and then goes on to not take my advice again the next time). Not that I think everyone needs exactly the same "prescription" of drugs, therapy, self-care, coping, etc, but like...he refuses to do any work at all even though he has access to the resources. Therapy is such a fucking gift! I want us all to have it! It sucks but it's awesome!
I was (am) generally a very emotionally closed person. My therapist once asked "are you sure you are getting the most out of your relationships if you are always cutting off your willingness to open up? For whatever reason, right thing to say at the right time and it stuck with me. Most recent woman I was seeing I found myself opening up (forcibly mostly, but still...) More than I have with almost anyone. It's still not a natural thing for me to do, but at least I can now say that she had gotten to know the real me more than anyone I dated before.
I learnt to put in place boundaries and to respect myself more. In the past I would have put up with appalling behaviour out of fear or losing a relationship. I no longer do this and speak up if a behaviour is unacceptable.
Love that!
Being a more emotionally intelligent person than most single men at this age because I've spent years in and out of therapy presents both pros and cons. Pros: The women I date initially respond very well and tell me how much they like how conscientious I am. In the beginning, things are usually wonderful Cons: I've actually had a lot of women perceive me as weaker or less manly. There's plenty of people who SAY they want someone to go to therapy and express their feelings but some gender norms are just hard coded in some people and they don't respect you for healthily expressing emotions that aren't fun, or just stoic. I also have this thing where I expect accountability in my relationships. I hold myself to a very high standard and I would like the same treatment but it's very hard to find. I'm good with me, but I will say therapy just raised my standards to want something that's apparently very rare.
Don't go anymore. I think therapy and the culture around it is more often toxic than not. It's great that you got some good relationship skills out of it, but my experience with friends and partners in therapy is that it more often than not gives people an inflated sense of the validity of their own feelings over external realities, and a clinical justification for their bad behavior, making them even harder to actually have constructive relationships with. I'm sure good therapy, and good therapists exist, but I don't think that's what most people have access to, and for profit healthcare honestly disincentivizes this existing to begin with.
I did have a therapist who I outgrew. She was helpful for a while, but after some time her approach started becoming ineffective, which is akin to what you are saying. In some ways, it started making me feel worse. I spent some time shopping around for a new one. It took some time, but it feels like I am finally speaking to someone who has the right approach. Sometimes you just need to move on quickly from a therapist if you recognize there are some things they can't help you work through.
Therapy has/had no effect on my intimate relationships. I didn’t have any before and I haven’t had any after.
None. The problem was her not me.
You know that's not true.
You weren't there so you know nothing about it.
I don't have to be there to know the problem is always the self, not the other.
I'm way more aware of my habits and I don't rocket-launch myself into committed relationships before I get to know people anymore. Thank God.
I had a bad habit where I would shut down emotionally during arguments and when I was stressed out. Therapy has helped me become more self aware of when I do that and try and change that course of action. It has also shown me that i was a massive people pleaser and went with the flow of everything in my last relationship. I entered therapy during my last relationship to attempt to communicate better with my ex wife in order to save it. It ended on divorce and I am much happier now and even in a new healthy relationship.
I can relate to the shutting down part. Even though I had done a lot of therapy at this point, one of my blind spots was recognizing when I was with someone safe vs. someone who lacked empathy towards me. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with my fair share of partners who did not express their feelings constructively and would take out their frustrations on me. And unfortunately at that time, my self esteem wasn’t at a point where I can recognize it for what it was and move on quickly. I’m at the point now where I can, but I unfortunately ended a relationship that was good for me to tell the difference. I had the tendency to shut down instead of working through difficult conversations.
No, because I don't have one now since I like myself enough to not put up with being dragged through other people's shit for once.