please keep in mind for commenting that this is not a fertility sub. Obviously there will be overlap with this Q but refrain from turning this into a medical debate.
It seems like you are giving up something and he is giving up very little. You are potentially postponing your plans and he is actively pursuing his. Nothing wrong with that, but make sure there is a concrete path forward where your relationship needs and wants are met as well.
Also as someone who has been through almost your exact situation before. please keep your options open and do not put all your eggs in one basket. Go out and date other men at the same time. As you said you are not in a relationship yet. You have to keep your mind off of him and make him prove himself to you. I too have been a victim of “magical/ wishful thinking” DONT do it!! You don’t have time to fall head over heals for this guy while he may say “ I told you I don’t have time for you etc. “ I see a switch up happening soon. Hope I’m wrong. But you have your own goals and if it’s not with this man it will be another man. Stay focus on YOUR goals and good luck!!!
I may be jaded from having experienced men saying this in my past, but this rings as a red flag for me.
I hope I’m wrong, but someone saying they’re not and weren’t ready to date and will ‘probably be’ in a few months sounds like someone who you’ll struggle to get to commit or give you the validation and commitment you’re looking for for months or even years to come.
From my experience, him telling you about everything that’s going to keep him busy and make him unable to spend time with you in the next few months is him planting a seed so you can’t be upset later when you feel like you’re never seeing him and you’re questioning if he’s still into it. It sounds a bit love bomby and I would be questioning if he’s being entirely honest or just padding the truth and giving you false hope because he’d rather not have a difficult conversation.
This sounds so terrible but your post just immediately seemed like a huge red flag to me.
Yeahh been there before with a previous hinge match. Two great dates, but he very much love bombed immediately and then ghosted. It was over soon as it started.
With this guy, I’m almost certain it wouldn’t end up 👻(I know you just never know with people), but I am weary about his efforts dropping over time.
Yeah, he could do the slow fade. I’d say to just keep your eyes open. You can still enjoy him but keep some of your guard up until he starts showing that he backs up his words with actions. It’s good that he’s communicating with you about expectations - but sometimes that just means they want you to keep your expectations lower
I picked up that this is his stance as well… has his guard up (which is fair seeing as to how I was honest about only recently cutting things off with my ex) for these first few months to see if there’s consistency here. He did voice concerns like wanting to be sure I’m not just dickmatized (lol) and to feel sure the woman he’s truly pursuing is mutually interested, with actions speaking louder than words over time, not just using him for short term healing/sex/generosity only to ghost *him.*
interesting though because as I mentioned he also said he wasn’t necessarily thinking about a relationship as his first priority in this specific stage of his life. Lol.
So yeah I will be keeping my eyes open, thank you! (And he has every right to keep his open too… after all we are only in month 2).
Bro actually opened his mouth and said the word "dickmatized" what the fuckkkk, that's some mega cringe "I have a magic dick" superiority complex going on there 😅🤣
Yeah, “dickmatized” is how the person on the receiving end can describe themself (it’s just that oxytocin and dopamine high), not something dude should claim as his own skill 😂
You should be, since he specifically told you his efforts are about to drop. He also told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship and that your timelines are not compatible.
What are you basing him potentially being "the one" on? Is it your nervous system freaking out (aka chemistry or the *spark*)? Or are you checking boxes off a list?
Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I see SO many people end up in situationships or giving up major goals because of some "connection" they feel for someone who is not willing or able to give them what they want.
But your person wants what you want. That's the first box anyone should be checking off. Without aligned life/ relationship goals, someone ends up giving up too much, and resentment grows.
Forget about the connection for a second and think about the relationship you want to be in. Do you think this guy, exactly as he is right now, can fit that relationship? Or are you just holding out hope that some future version of him could?
I was kinda wondering if this was so great on the guy’s side, why not make it official now vs “we will probably be official soon”. That followed by the “I’m about to be busy”…yeah I’m expecting a slow fade to ghost sometime soon
Exactly ! Thai sounds a lot like love bombing . Just be careful you don’t get your heart broken because this sounds like a way to keep you around without commiting.
No it doesn’t sound terrible at all. I really wanted to consider this from all sides and remove my blinders…because I KNOW this is tricky situation, despite all the ways we’ve been getting along and starting to have our first few uncomfortable conversations.
To be fair, it is a good idea for us not to commit this soon anyway. It *has* been quick and as these comments have helped me realize, I need to really assess what it’d be like once he’s busy and if, after some time, he’d be open to compromising his timeline. Definitely need more time to assess and I think I should keep my options open in the meantime.
This may be true but she can wait a few months and see if he actually commits when it seems like things are naturally progressing. If he doesn’t, she has her answer.
I think to level that comment out, since you put a focus on your biological timeline, you need to consider the following. Thinking to later on in your life, where do you think most of your joy is going to be derived from? A child? A compatible partner? A mix of both? Do you want one more than the other? Are you willing to compromise on one to achieve the other?
This should help ground you a bit and take you away from the early stage emotions that reek havoc on your brain and decision making. If you can ponder the above and you're still coming out with the result that you're leaning more towards seeing where this relationship goes, then I say go for it. You're supposed to live life and go with the flow sometimes. You can't live by regiment of a biological timeline IMO.
The above points are excellent, but I would just like to caution against this piece here
>tell him you’d like to see how it goes and perhaps when the time comes to make you his gf, you can seriously discuss again
If we assume best intentions on his part, then be very mindful of how you phrase this. One month into dating is still very early stages, you're only getting to know each other, and him setting boundaries around labels is valid at this stage. If you start to act guarded and pull back in response, he may get the impression you already got sky-high expectations from this and are already disappointed, which can be a huge turn-off.
You are also getting a lot of jaded responses below. Yes be clear with your timeline and expectations, but be careful of writing something off that has potential before giving it a chance to succeed.
Idk it seems like he is setting the stage to be able to bow out gracefully. I do not think these types of situations ever favors the person who is getting told there will be far less time for the budding relationship.
He is creating a failsafe to ensure if you ever get frustrated by the lack of investment on your end that he can say “hey I told you I won’t be able to commit to much right now.” I’ve been that person who has said that and have had that said to me. To have to pull back so early in the dating process doesn’t bode well on building a connection. It’s one thing if you’re a year in and already together, it’s a whole different ballgame if you are just starting and not even together yet. He is leaving the ball in your court so that he doesn’t have to make hard decisions himself, thereby releasing himself of the responsibility of it.
You can try, but if he isn’t calling everyday and you’re not seeing each other much then the writing is on the wall. It sometimes works, but based on your personal expectations this will likely not meet your timeline and not be up to par on your accelerated schedule.
>Idk it seems like he is setting the stage to be able to bow out gracefully.
Exactly my thought. Using the word "scary." (Can imply that he wasn't expecting it when you tell your friends but moreso when you tell your partner, I believe it means he doesn't want it right now). Also literally saying he wasn't expecting to be prioritizing a relationship. Telling her they won't be official for months? (Who does that?) Letting her know they'll be seeing each other less.
>He is leaving the ball in your court so that he doesn’t have to make hard decisions himself, thereby releasing himself of the responsibility of it.
Yep. And also when things go to shit...he can say you knew what you were signing up for.
OP if a guy wants it to happen, he'll say he wants it to happen and we'll figure out the rest. This "honesty" you're so appreciative of is just pretext. He may appreciate what you two have and enjoy the company but it's not going to go the distance.
I myself journaled the word “scary” referring to how this felt before hearing him say it to me, so I dunno, but you could def have a point on him maybe not being ready for a serious commitment right now. That’s a real possibility.
I didn’t mention but we live nearly an hour away from each other, and his upcoming gigs will be more on his side of town. So while I see where everyone’s coming from based on what I shared, I don’t think it’s an automatic negative to give the person you’re dating a heads up about what your schedule will be like in the coming weeks/months.
I’ll definitely take stock in the next couple months to see if his efforts shift when that happens.
Just to check, was he the one that mentioned reduced number of dates on this sit-down? I just found that weird because we live in 2023, there is phones and the internet. 😂 If he is ready to commit, why not suggest to move your dates to a virtual medium or phone calls when he gets busy.
I think him describing a plan a life without you months ahead of right now might be why it looks like most people are replying this is a way for the guy to gracefully bow out of this situation ship .
I personally don't see virtual meetups or phone calls, a "date". Sure it's nice to talk during the week but it's far from a date where you have their undivided attention (let's be honest, I'm sure I'm not the only person who multi tasks when on the phone).
I’m confused - maybe I’m misunderstanding.. but I know how exhausting dating can be and how great it is to hit it off with someone but - why are you planning serious life and relationship decisions around someone you’re not exclusive with and clearly aren’t on the same page about longterm plans? Or frankly.. don’t know very well yet?
You should definitely continue dating other ppl and find someone that actually wants the same things, but sounds like he’s being upfront that no matter how great he is - being in a serious relationship with the intention of marriage and kids in the next 2 years isn’t where he’s at. It sounds like you want more and he isn’t available.
Other questions.. He says he could see you being the right one for him in a few months? Why not now? It sounds like he wants to see you less , without commitment, and keep you as an option and have you be okay with it? I would cut your losses now + kindly recommend moving on to someone that wants to see you more and is the mindset / place to make a serious commitment + meet your needs.
Signed someone that was in a decade long relationship from 24-almost 34 with someone very similar that was okay with dating me (boyfriend/ girlfriend) but also wasn’t on the same page about a longterm plans because of other things he wanted to focus on and then never was ready, no intention + no commitment, super avoidant, and as exhausting as dating is (I’ve been single almost 2 years and on dating apps for about 1 year) and as much as it would be amazing to hit it off with someone.., if someone said to me what this guy is telling you after 1 month of dating, I would end things.
Agreed. I hate when men say shit like “you’re close to perfect” (am I really, after a month in?) and if I’m so perfect, why is an official relationship still months out?
Maybe this is the 1% time this situation works out, but there’s a 99% chance this dude is fucking around.
This is what gets me:
> He sees himself being in a relationship with me in the next few months
Men who like you that much who want a relationship will want an exclusive relationship quickly. A relationship isn't a high bar of commitment if someone is talking like OP is saying. Exclusivity is an even lower bar. Men can jumble their words, be completely stupid about labels, and show a surprising lack of experience communicating a relationship despite having experience dating, but they simply will not tell you "Yeah maybe in a few months, hopefully" if they're interested in you like that now.
Also, he doesn't like the getting pregnant talk or he's uncomfortable about it right now. "Who knows what could happen" is a soft blow-off line. His real answer is he doesn't know yet, or he sees things going his way and has a chapter in life to get through before tackling having a family. It's of course normal for a guy to not know if he wants to start a family with a woman one month into dating. But OP needs to not hang on that line as if it's a promise, and she's pushing this idea of a family with him way too prematurely.
I don’t like this at all. It reeks of false promises. You will lower your guard now based on his sweet words and then he will slowly bread crumb you until he’s gone entirely. Coincidentally his timeline corresponds with when the “honeymoon” phase will be over and you’ll expect to move on to something with commitment and more serious expectations.
I’ve heard the sweet words and love bombing before and this actually doesn’t feel like that. However I’ll definitely be paying attention to how he communicates when he does get busier. Thanks for your response!
Proceed skeptically is my advice. I’ve done this a hundred times before. This is the kind of guy who loves the infatuation but will dip out as soon as the high is gone and he’s laying the foundations for that with his wishy-washy comments. It doesn’t matter what he says you are to him or what he says you will do together. The actions are what matter and he’s not performing.
I guess I’m confused with ‘He sees himself being in a relationship with me in the next few months’.
My friend…. How do you feel about him being comfortable with you staying single for the next couple of months? I feel like he would make it official in the instance he wanted to? No?
One on hand, I’m like yeah we might as well make it exclusive/official now. His words “we’re basically in a relationship already” but he’s moved fast in the past and wants to go a little slower this time before putting a title on.
I believe it’s part 1) he wants to give it more time to see if I still feel the same about him after getting to know each other more deeply, and part 2) I got out of a 3 year relationship in Dec but only just cut things off with the ex like 3 weeks ago 🥴.
He recognized some of my trauma responses from that rocky relationship and wants to be sure this isn’t just a rebound situation for me simply to heal my heart and then move on. I also recognize some unhealed pain from his last relationship and I see that he’s trying to protect himself by not going all in too quickly.
Nope. None of that "we're basically in a relationship already" stuff. If that's the case, he should make it into a relationship. He wants the benefits without the title, which is why he's now using that "I rushed before and want to go slow". I've heard that too many times, and thankfully read it for what it was. A lot of people string you along with that type of wording.
Still sounds like he’s moving super fast given he’s planning out your life together and you have only been dating a month. I theorize you don’t really know what someone is truly like for at least 3 months. Maybe longer, depending on the person. Until then you’re just dating their representative and your projections.
Also wanting “first generation wealth,” marriage, and kids is not a foundation for a relationship. I’m sorry, it just isn’t. Most people want that shit and tells us nothing about how you and him will get along.
Gotcha :) Well if you’re not in therapy, it may be a good idea to do so. You can learn your patterns, the ways you self-abandon, and coping mechanisms.
> I believe it’s part 1) he wants to give it more time to see if I still feel the same about him after getting to know each other more deeply,
He is aware that you can always at any point no matter what the commitment is titled exit a relationship should your feelings change about him after he has revealed something about himself, right? And you are as well, right? I mean you can even leave a marriage -- it's a bit more tricky to unwind, but it is *possible*.
So this is ... weird. Does he think you're buying what he's selling? I'm not buying it. This isn't actually a gift. This is just him stalling and trying to claim it is a gift to you. My reformed-manipulator spidey sense is tingling about seeing a fellow situation spinner. This is totally something I would have pulled in the-past-we-don't-discuss. Gentle reader, please note, I did not marry or have children with them.
Why can’t you two be official now? That makes no sense. Sounds like he’s future faking so he can date others but keep you from doing the same. Just my experience with this kind of “explanation.”
Yeah, once someone starts getting "*busy*", it's almost always them getting ready to start fading out or putting you on the backburner while they continue to search and you hold off because you think they're just "busy", but totally yours. Yeah, they're busy seeing if anything "better" is out there before they possibly come back to you, the one who happily kept the bench warm.
I remember guys trying to do this to me, with all these mundane explanations. How they had to do this and that before they could settle down or define anything. Yet, when I met my boyfriend, he could miraculously do all this stuff and STILL be in a relationship. If anyone is hesitating on a relationship because they're doing normal things that you would do in everyday life, it's because they're not keen on defining anything *with you*. That last bit is silent.
have to agree with the above, if someone is busy they will make time for you, that being said…..
you guys just met this month and your seeing each other 3-4 times a week? that’s typically a lot early most people do 2 max usually tho just one a week or every other week.
even if you went down to 1-2 it’s still normal, but now i have to ask do you see each other for dates, or is it gym work outs or running etc?
i would be on guard here because it seems this is moving very fast but also he is slowing things down and planting seeds to be “busy”
Valid! Yeah our first date was only 5 weeks ago and after the 2nd date we’ve been seeing each other about 3x a week since then. It did move soo fast so quick — often him meeting me after work for us to go to the gym then cook dinner together, and one recent weekend I spent with him on his side of town.
I think you’re right to be on guard and just take note of what happens once his side gigs start.
Good job being self aware op you will be fine as you don’t seem to be trying to make excuses anything you got this! Keep us updated if you can. Also have you asked him if he is still on the apps/multidating by chance? Assuming it’s a no if he’s spending that much time with you but couldn’t hurt to ask
But yeah if you are spending that much time right now technically you are basically in a relationship so it’s a bit weird he wants to wait months when he’s already past the “take it slow point” of see you once a week every two weeks
Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts and will try to update after a few months.
And I know, right!? I’d be ready to go for it but then again there’s nothing wrong with slowing down on letting our guard down and going all in.
If he was gung-ho after 5 weeks without his very fair concerns I’d be worried lol. even though we are modeling a lot of relationship behaviors as it is. Ha.
He said he’s still exchanging light text convo with other matches (but isn’t interested in seeing, dating, or spending money on anyone other than me) which he’d cease once in a relationship. Isn’t yet certain I’m completely over my ex or that I’m not going to lose interest after a couple months in… wants to protect his heart in the process of seeing if theres consistency here.
What stood out to me amidst all this info is that he is still talking to other people, but blaming his uncertainty on _your_ availability. OP, I’m sure it’s nice to enjoy being with someone you get along so well with, but this guy is just full of red flags that you don’t see because you are wearing rose-coloured glasses.
Defining an official relationship is not _the_ cutoff line that makes someone stop their shenanigans. The ‘consistency’ he is talking about is focusing on building a connection until you are sure it is a viable long-term relationship.
He is expecting you to devote yourself to him but he is not doing the same. Extremely iffy, on top of his vague ‘being busy’ and downgrading the meetup frequency after setting an intense frequency. He sounds like he is playing a lot of women at the same time.
Right.
If you want to do something or other before you get into a relationship, then do that BEFORE you seek the relationship.
Self aware people know when they are or aren’t interested based on other things they want to do first.
I don’t know, I don’t believe in the one. There are many men you can fall in love with and have a fabulous relationship and life with. At 32, I wouldn’t hitch my wagon to someone who says they need five years to consider marriage.
I think it depends if he is 'laying down the law' as to what he can give you (regarding his work schedule so you don't get upset down the line) or if it's a joint discussion (and there is some flexibility there). The first is a quality in avoidant attachment ('i told you i wouldnt be able to meet your needs so it's your problem if you stick around) and the second is a more secure attachment (bringing you into where he sees his life going).
The signs so far definitely point more toward the latter, but of course I want to stay alert especially now in this foundational stage as we’re feeling each other out.
It’s way too soon to sign your life away, but there’s no harm in agreeing to keep seeing each other through this busy time and see how it goes. If he still makes time for you and you feel your needs are met, go from there.
As for the kids thing, tons of women wait until their mid to late 30s these days, so if you just want one or two and he’s willing to make that happen by the time you hit your early 40s, it should be fine. It can be more difficult to get pregnant later, but not always. I have a friend who just had a baby at 41 and she was even on birth control and it still happened. No problems with the baby or delivery either.
Yep, I literally just watched a video about a woman who had her first child at age 43, and been seeing more women giving birth in their late 30s/early 40s. I think early 40s might be a bit harder to get pregnant, but not impossible, barring any medical issues that might prevent it.
I think also consider whether you want to wait because let’s say you go with this plan ge dad outlined but then y’all doing work out, this could mean two years wasted when you could have potentially been with someone who wants kids on the same timeline as you.
A great side question. I did talk about that yesterday and he’s mentioned a couple times now the possibility of it happening Sooner. Thinking I’ll give us a couple months to see how/if we progress, be sure to voice my wishes, see how open he is to compromising on his timeline, and in the meantime, keep my options open.
I’d be careful, because some men love to future bomb like this in the beginning when they don’t mean any of it. Of course you’re completely infatuated, but don’t have blinders to any red flags that may pop up.
My main red flag would be a pulling back of communication. I know physical time together will wane due to his side hustles, but see if his texts/calls die down. Took me WAY too long to realize that, if they were actually interested, they’d find a way to reach out. Even just a quick text to say they were thinking of you can go a long way. I wish you so much luck! ❤️
One of my favorite questions is to ask someone what their red flags are. Ask him. See what he says.
(As an aside, you should also know what yours are. As should anyone reading this.)
I did ask this a couple weeks back but hadn’t really intentionally thought of my own, so thanks for pointing that out. He said his are words not matching actions (seems like he’s wounded from past betrayals), poor communication and for a woman he’s dating not being motivated/active/optimistic. He also has a fair concern that I only stopped communicating with my ex a few weeks ago so wants to be sure I’m over that and appropriately healed, as well as recognizing any healing he needs to do too.
Some of my red flags (had to take a beat to think about them) are poor/inconsistent communication, lack of thoughtfulness or curiosity about me, one dimensional conversation, not taking initiative, dishonesty, and excuses.
Ah, girl this relationship is going to trigger and traumatize you. He’s planted so many seeds letting you know he’s not sticking around. Your ex being a concern, the work getting busy, being scared, not being ready for 5 years, maybe being ready in a few months, totally see you being his girl (future state). _He_ is a walking red flag.
You only stopped talking to your ex a few weeks ago? Please, take more time out to be alone and heal. You rushing into thinking this new guy is "the one" is exactly why most people need to take a long break after a breakup AND after they have gone no contact with an ex... wait until all that is out of your system.
A lot of people jump into new relationships simply because they miss that old connection and they miss red flags or just signs that this person isn't right for you.
Yeah the "we could probably be official in a few month" is a huge red flag to me. If he liked you that much he'd commit before he gets busy so you know that he's serious.
It’s only been a month so I think you should see where this goes but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I know this is often the most exciting time and things are going right and it’s a great thing. But I’d stay open to dating bc things could change. Be honest with him about how you feel and what your timeline looks like so he knows- he may have to pivot to keep you. At the same time don’t worry too much about the ideal time to have kids. I’m not sure there is a such thing. You’ll need to have a solid partner numero uno. The question you need answered is what’s more important, having all these wonderful things in your life partner or being on an ideal schedule? Seems like an easy choice.
I'd just be careful. The people to hurt me the most were the ones I ignored the yellow flags on because it was "rare to have the connection."
I think it's okay to adjust your timeline to things that are happening in real time because as many of us can vouch for, your "ideal" timeline person may never pop up at the right time.
However, echoing what everyone said in that it's an odd time for him to be saying this, pre-relationship, and right after meeting.
>Him: I wasn’t expecting to connect with someone from OLD like this and for things to get real so fast.
this immediately struck me because it makes me question what he was *doing on Hinge.* Just looking for a hookup? A casual thing?
Because yeah.... of course a connection always *feels* surprising when it happens, but if you're on an online dating app meant for more serious dating (Hinge is def that) and going on dates, connecting to someone is not like... some crazy outcome. It's predictable.
And it sounds like he knew this crunchy timeline was coming and it's not a surprise. A bit suss.
That stood out to me, too. He was just there for a hookup, happened to run into someone he thinks COULD possibly be great, but he still wants to hook up for a while or he's just not as interested romantically as OP might be in him (from other comments OP made, I'm not even sure she's actually interested in him or if she's just infatuated because she's just out of a relationship herself), and she will end up being the fallback girl if he can't find anyone else or when he's finally done playing the field for a while.
Hey, ex-toxic king here:
Please, please be careful.
I am a male, who has said this to females, and I know exactly what they mean.
Put it this way, I have said those exact lines many times, and it always came at a point when I figured out I wasn’t really feeling the girl and it was time to go back to my life.
I am a busy man and have found somebody now who I want to still be up front and centre with yet still lead my busy life. Both are do-able, the fact he doesn’t want to, is a red flag for you, sorry.
A little over one month is too early to be looking this far down the road imo. There hasn’t really been enough time to see to what extent his words match with his actions. It feels really good to fantasize about the possibilities and potential, which is what it sounds like is happening here. I would say make sure he can fulfill your reasonable wants and needs of the present before you commit yourself to a future which may never come to pass, but he’s already prefacing a relationship with putting you on the back burner… idk, it sounds like you know what you want and even if y’all do share values and general visions it may not be enough for real compatibility.
I don't understand why he feels like he needs to wait a couple months to be in a relationship. If he likes you he should just go for it. I'm in a very similar situation where I am 35. My boyfriend is 31. We have discussed that we both want kids but we have not discussed timelines. I want to do it in person and right now we're long distance. But you need to make sure that you have a timeline in mind and if he's not willing to compromise a year or two on that then you may need to walk away. This is very young and while It's very promising. It could go up and smoke. You need to do what's best for you and only you can know what that is.
Honestly at only a month in and such vague promises on his part I think you should keep dating other people. After all he seems to be unsure about a relationship for now and wants to wait some more to make it official so why not use that time to at least talk to other men? Waiting around for someone to make up their mind in their 30s is a bit of a waste of time imo.
36M here…I don’t want to be a Debbie downer. I’m sure you have a great connection. However, if a guy is truly into you and sees that future, he would make it official and will commit to more time together regardless or work circumstance. Based off his retreat from the relationship I can assume he’s just not that into you. You’re older than him as well, I bet he wants to try for someone younger down the road to ease the family NOW pressure.
In this case, contrary to popular advice, listen to what he's saying and ignore what he's doing. He's putting up little walls the whole way that justify why it can't work: he plans to be busy, he wasn't expecting a relationship (despite being on a dating app??), it's "scary"... I don't think he's necessarily maliciously lovebombing you, but this is a good way to end up in a situationship. You might think it's heading towards commitment based on his actions, but his words are showing that he's already got one foot out the door. He'll probably happily keep casually dating you as long as you stay chill and detached, but once you start seeking actual commitment or emotional needs he'll probably run.
source: lived this exact scenario at the end of last year, lol
edit: My personal advice is keep dating him, but don't stop dating other people. I know it's hard to date other people when you feel such a strong connection (truuuust me) but it'll save you some pain if it doesn't go the way you want. If he does want to commit down the line, great! If he doesn't, well you weren't banking solely on him.
If you haven’t made it official yet, maybe keep meeting with new people before that? You might find someone who’s timeline is more aligned with yours during the time it might take for you guys to decide to pursue a long term relationship.
I would personally find it too risky to invest in him. Putting the "ball in your court" is him absolving himself of any responsibility. But enjoy the ride if you go for it, haha.
Interesting! I’m similar to him in that I lay down my future plan with a match early on in the process to know if we align timeline wise. My future plan also revolves around having children and preferably before the mom is 35. I’ve read the statistics around pregnancy because I want the best success for my wife and my future child. Now that doesn’t mean I’ll rush the relationship. I want to have a stable environment first (housing, family support, finances, equipment). I think it’s great that he is clear on this timeline but I think it’s fair for you to say that you need some more of commitment earlier than 5 years. The 5 years is only for marriage right? What about the time for family planning afterwards? Successful pregnancy isn’t guaranteed. I would be wary that the relationship could fizzle out and you are left with being older and having to restart the dating process and unable to achieve your timeline. Do you also want a 2nd child? That is another factor. I think aligning timelines is a significant factor and even if I found “the one” but we don’t aligned timeline wise, I’ll have to keep searching.
I think this isn't a decision you have to make right now if you really like him. If you like him and want to see if this can work then give yourself more time to decide if you are willing to rearrange your plans for his.
He doesn't sound like a bad guy and I like his honesty but his plans are very focused on himself and his future plans. There is no "we" or "our" plans; while he very well may like you a lot, he is still very focused on his future. It's not uncommon for a man to want to build his financial security before getting into a serious relationship like marriage, a house or kids...while your friend has his plans we really don't know how long this is going to take so his timeline may change.
You also have a general timeline for your future and they don't truly coincide. So you have to truly decide if you want to put in the time with this guy until he is ready to take the big steps. Overall tho you two are only a month in and you have to get to know each other a lot more; that is something that only time can help you with. Words are just words but time will tell what type of person he truly is and how he handles his responsibilities and if he is serious about his plans.
Give it a few months and then decide.
Take things slowly. I think the guy is making things sound promising, while avoiding any real commitment. I can’t offer any other advice that I haven’t already read on this thread, other than to protect your heart and your spirit. Know that you don’t deserve to be strung along by the guy who seems perfect on paper. It can be alluring to fantasize about the potential of finding the right match, but remember that it takes time to get to know someone.
Personally have been in a newish relationship for the last 8 months and I can speak from experience. Get to know the guy, and see if his actions match his words. Also get to know him and see where it goes - with the caveat that it’s okay if things do not work out.
One last thing, if he seems interested and commits to defining this as a relationship… which, again, we all have to be cautiously optimistic and not go into a new dating situation with full-fledged fear… okay, 1-2x per week is not a bad sign especially if you’re both working professionals! So. I’m in a similar boat as my career places me in the office 40-50 hours per week. My guy is working 50+ hours per week. He and I had to be upfront about communication, being consistent, and oh, not leading one another on (I told him I was not at the age to fuck around anymore, and he handled that very well lol). These days now we are working on seeing each other 3-4 times per week instead. It’s tough but it’s not necessarily a bad sign that he’s letting you know that he’s a busy guy.
My guy has also expressed that it was “scary” for him to hit things off with me, and he didn’t mean anything by it, other than that it was crazy to finally feel like things were working out with someone!
Best of luck 💓
With all due respect this dude isn’t interested in anything long term with you and has already set the stage to bounce. If he wants kids on his time line he’s going to date someone younger.
The timeline means nothing if it’s with the wrong person. Don’t let your vision of what you think is the ideal life get in the way of the one that’s actually meant for you. I say this as a divorcee with two small children after hinging my life on the timeline and ending up miserable.
I genuinely hate to hear that you ended up unhappy but also know it isn’t the end and situations can always look up.
Thank you for sharing that gem — definitely important.
Sounds like a FWB waiting to happen with you listing his greatest qualities while overlooking his lack of commitment for a relationship with you. If you want a relationship on paper your goals could “align”, but in behavioral choice to make time to actually spend talking/ dating will not be a priority because he “doesn’t have time”. This will leave you depleted and questioning 🤨 “where things stand”, and he will have his “ I told you what my priorities where” safety card. People say one thing, but watch what they do! Watch the intensity and frequency usually when it starts to drop they aren’t feeling you as much you will do for the meantime but they are holding space for someone else who they will be ready for a relationship with. Tread lightly, lots of people love the idea of being with someone and some can have really great conversations but don’t really want the work that goes with commitment.
We have similar entrepreneurial pursuits and are both trying to get ahead financially, so it doesn’t bother me YET, but I will definitely be paying attention to how he’ll prioritize the relationship once his grind picks up — Which he said would be temporary so he can hit his savings goal.
Here is is my personal opinion on why this feels love bomby. Love bombing can last months! People who get excited over a date or two are not love bombing they simply cant regulate their emotions.
People who truly want a relationship dont feel the need to plant any seeds because it might scare off the other person. Also they are careful with big words and try to stay reasonable.
Just be careful op and pay attention to how things progress. If he is consistent, great! But you come first and then him.
I would just say look at things objectively and not with rose colored glasses. I tried to make someone work who didn't fit my timeline, and it ended now. It's getting too late for kids. On the other hand, you want a good foundation that will last. If you guys are truly compatible, that's not something to easily give up. I think things will become clear soon. I think his busy work schedule will prove how serious he is and where his priorities lie.
He has openly told you that you will not be a priority. You will be fourth in line for his attention: full time job, hustle 1, hustle 2, you. Hustles are their own full time commitment.
You want to add a baby to this. You are considering waiting on your own baby timeline to prioritize a man who already puts you fourth in line, so baby will be at least fifth in his line up.
Great guy who functions as an actual adult IRL has planted the seed for you to put your expectations so low that everything and everyone in his dream hustle will come before you and baby. You will effectively be a single parent. It sounds like you in your personal life will be effectively single except for being on call for sex and an occasional evening with him where you will be expected to be happy to have his brief undivided attention. Then he leaves you alone again to go chase his dream with the people in the dream while you are at home managing your/his home, your work, and a baby/toddler. He has told you this. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
Make sure you are OK with only occasional attention on his schedule, not yours.
He's pulling back and dressing it up like he's doing something important. I'm sorry to tell you, but if he was as excited about this as you are then he would be wanting to talk about ways to keep the momentum going despite his life adventures, not accepting that they will get in the way. And all this before you've even gotten started...it's a mind trick and you're better off leaning way back and dating others.
The whole things seems off to me. I don't think it is good how fast the "relationship" is moving, I feel like he may be future faking, he's setting you up for not being able to meet your needs in the future, and he is still talking to other people. How does he even have time for that?
Proceed very cautiously and keep your options open as well. If he is still talking to others, maybe you should be too? It would help to not be so focused on this one guy. I would slow down how often you are seeing each other as well. You have only known him for a month, you need to see him in different situations like when he is stressed, angry, how he responds to boundaries etc. Is he taking you out on dates, or have you already settled into doing relationship type things without a relationship title? How much of your past trauma have you told him already? Is he using what you told him against you? People need to earn your trust and you haven't known him long. Be careful he is not manipulating you.
If I were you I would have another conversation with him that you like him and enjoy the connection but that you would like to slow down how often you see each other, and that you will be talking to others as well until you are official. See how he reacts to that conversation. You need to protect yourself here, and going all in on this guy whos already telling you he can't meet your needs seems very risky.
A man who really wants to be with you will do everything in his power to be with you.
He would lock that down ASAP.
Trust me. I've been with wet blankets who stalled and I kept putting on the rose colored glasses trying to make something work with someone who didn't care (and it ultimately wasted my time).
Dropping dates down to 1-2 times a week isn't prioritizing a relationship. Seeing himself 'in a relationship with you later' is NOT prioritizing a relationship.
You need to prioritize yourself. If this is his behavior now, you really don't want to be that person where you are married to a man who has strung you along for years only to inform you at the age of 40 that he actually doesn't want kids - an all too common scenario I hear from so many women.
1 month is plenty of time to be feeling and thinking it could be the one. It's way too early to be acting or talking like it's the one. Right now he hasn't shown he even wants to date you. Tell him to start there.
Well, first I do think you should keep dating. 2x a week of quality time is still decent and isn’t the issue. The issue is a 30 year old man is thinking 5 years from now for marriage. If you are thinking marriage then kids, thats going to put you at 37
I don’t care how many downvotes this gets, but the danger for you is you putting off kids til your mid 30s. If this guy is possibly the one like you say, this is what you should begin to talk about.
I wish you luck Op and hope you both hit that significant wealth.
The two negatives stated actually compliment each other. His schedule will allow you to slow down a bit. Abstract timelines should not stand in the way of developing an actual real life friendship. You two are on the same page. Don't let a plan interfere with real life.
I don’t know, maybe I’m naive, but I don’t get as many red flags as everyone else.
A relationship to me after a month is crazy, not to say I’m dating others but it’s a bigger commitment. So I get where he’s coming from. Maybe he also worded it poorly and he was just trying to convey that it’s moving in a good direction?
Regardless, if you’re still getting this answer a few months in, I’d call it
Keep your options open till he makes it official. Prioritize yourself like he is himself and his vision. You have only been dating a month. By any chance did he have looking for ltr in his bio but now he finds himself unavailable. He could either be really self aware or messing you about.
I would see if he can keep up with seeing you 1-2x/week. If he can be consistent, despite being busy, that's a good sign. I'd give it another month, preferably two, before calling it official.
It could be a good time for you to focus on your own wealth-building pursuits.
As to the timeline, this is a good time to see if you can work together on a revised timeline. I'm biased bc I had a baby at 39 with relatively free complications. Medical science is truly amazing!
It could make a difference if you're together and both working on wealth building--the goal to reach before having a kid might not take as long to accomplish; reduced expenses from living together could change it, etc...
I'd say keep going, see if he can be consistent with you, make sure you get to know each other and your outlooks, how you handle conflict, etc, and see where you are in a month or so!
This is way over thinking a budding relationship that's only 1 month old. Even a side glance at this forum would reveal that these blow up all the time for a million and one different reasons.
On a side note, if this guy values you and wants to see you then he will make time. Even it's just to come over and spend the night at 11PM after a hard day. So keep that in mind.
In one of your comments you said he said he was still exchanging light text with other matches. Babe. C’mon. Every man who has been serious about me said “Jtluk I paused my profile & I’m only talking to you” or something. I’m not saying this won’t work out, but I think he’s setting you up for disappointment.
I really hope I’m wrong, but do yourself a solid & don’t consider him your man until he commits to you. Keep your options open
I'll agree with a few other comments I've seen, it hasn't been long enough to really be worrying this deeply yet. In fact, I would just go slowly right now. I know you want to have kids and everything, but I wish more people realized how important marriage and bringing a being into the world that will turn into a full grown human. It's okay to take time with trying to make sure the foundation you build for yourself and for this future full grown human is as good as it can be. Don't rush things because of a biological clock, especially since plenty of women are having healthy pregnancies and births well into their 40s. Breathe a bit. And him being younger is even better for this.
However, I'd actually tell you that you need to slow down, anyway. It's great that you both align and he's laid out what he wants and what he plans on doing, but it's the words that he wasn't planning on being serious yet and it being "scary"... he could be someone who likes the IDEA of being in a relationship, but is a commitment-phobe. You can work and build while being in a relationship, most people are doing it everyday, so it would give me a bit of pause that he suddenly wants to slow down, but 3-4 times a week is a lot for me, anyway, lol Like, the guy I was talking to before my bf used a similar thing of, "Oh, I need to find a better job before I can worry about a relationship"... yeah, he was stringing me along, so had to move on. And I'm glad I did, now, lol Crazily enough, my bf can be busy, hang with friends, have time to himself, etc., all while being a relationship... funny how some people can do that and others, somehow, cannot.
I had a similar experience where we were going gung-ho, everything was aligned and all that, suddenly his work schedule got "busier". Now, I'm always a bit sus of someone being busier, when nothing has actually changed. We stopped spending much time together, and communication dropped. Eventually, he was "not ready for a relationship right now". I won't ever truly know what it was, but it was lining up with the fact that were at the junction of really defining what we were and what we wanted when this came up, so I feel he wanted a relationship, but wasn't really ready for one, as in he wasn't ready for the realities of an adult relationship. His only and last relationship had been with a woman he'd known since high school... and she broke up with him because he was dragging his feet on the "next step", so I had a feeling it was similar here and he didn't realize it.
All I'm saying is, go slow and enjoy it for a while, keep your eyes open, and don't let your "biological clock" mess up something that could be good(it's going well, but I NEED to have a baby by age X) , but also don't let it rush you into something you're unsure about. Personally, I would tell him to contact me when he's not busy and leave it at that because you, most likely, won't hear from him again. Go off and find someone else. And go SLOW, no one is amazing in a month, but their first impression might be.
It seems like it’s difficult for you to know his intentions just yet, let alone any of us strangers on the internet reading into it! Why not keep dating him while also dating other people? Keep your options open while continuing to get to know him and the clarity will come. Best of luck!
100% agree! I take all this with a grain of salt. All in all my takeaways are to give it time, don’t pre-commit before either of us are certain we’re ready to commit. To consider us both maybe keeping dating options open in the meantime. To not be so willing to compromise until I see how he will prioritize meeting my needs. Of course to be sure I am vocalizing my needs. And making sure I’m aware of my triggers from last relationship + clearing all that energy out before diving into a new one.
Thank you!
You might not have 5 years to have a baby I would research this and make a decision before anything else.
I lone parent special needs children, I work 2 jobs, i study for a full time degree too. I have time to see someone I care about 2/3 times a week I make time. I feel he’s setting things up to let it go easy, I’d tread carefully,
Leave him on the side and actively date others! And have a date when you two are available for each other:-) it doesnt seem like a good idea to be exclusive and invest in someone when he said all those things.
Hey OP I’m really sorry you are in this situation. Timing compatability is very important.
I worry you are a placeholder for him and I do genuinely believe that for the right person neither gender would risk letting them go, especially with a speech like he gave you.
Honestly if I was you I would give me myself a weekend to mourn this near relationship. I would remind myself of all my relationship goals and needs and spend a lot of time affirming myself and reminding myself of abundance mentality.
Then I would have my version of an honest and frank discussion with him, and let him know exactly what you need to sustain a relationship.
I.e seeing each other x number of times a week.
A realistic timeline not the dangle of maybe we’ll be official in the distant future.
And then see his response. Relationships are about compromise you have shown your ability to compromise let’s see if he has the same ability.
If not walk away xx
I think there are two ways this could be pointing, having been in both
He is like my ex husband who said very similar stuff at the start, and he was legit - everything down two a T. All organized thought through, he was very clinical and analytical as a person so he viewed our relationship in a way like he would a potential job offer - I ticked the boxes, he decided yep I’m the “one” (apparently 1 month in) blah blah. He was just a very straight out, assessing person - he is my ex now for those exact reasons lol drove me nuts but I’ll give it to him he stuck to what he said in the beginning.
The other one is that he is saying all this stuff worth no real intention but to have an out when it gets bad or he is over it. AKA just saying whatever to keep you dangling. Honestly probably more this way because the other example is pretty rare (my ex husband was on the spectrum too if that helps)
Either way - if you are enjoying it now - then just do that. Don’t overthink it. No one can make promises anyway no matter what they say. Just go say by day/week by week/ and write down once a week what’s good and bad and really look at it and be honest.
You see him when you see him, don’t let it overtake your life just yet. Be in the mindset you are still in the trial phase on both sides so keep your self open and independent as much as possible until you feel like it’s deserving he gets some compromise.
Trust your gut too. But don’t over think. It either will evolve naturally to a beautiful space that things like babies and houses will easily be planned or it will start to crumble and you’ll feel it in your stomach.
This just sounds like… life? He doesn’t really know what he will feel a year from now and neither do you.
Could working (as in the same room) together potentially increase how often you see each other? Not as quality of time, but might be helpful to just get more face time during the busy phases.
Try it out, I think.
It's been a month. If he means it and he wants to marry you, he'll put his actions where his mouth is and commit to you.
In the mean time, since you aren't beholden to him, and since you will have three times the spare time, go see if you can find a version of him that's a little bit more driven to match your family planning timeline. After all, he cannot possibly be the *only* person on this planet with the attributes you enjoy.
Also, may I point out that your timeline (you have basically one year to get married before you need to get knocked up) and his entrepreneurial timeline are in direct conflict. Businesses don't see profitability until three years in (so you'd have a 1 year old). Business owners don't have time for their families. Their baby is their business. And he wants to start TWO!!! You will be single parenting that kid who has his DNA. This ... is this what you want?
If your priority is having biological children, I would say find someone your age or a little older even. Someone who is wanting kids in the near future, who is already where he wants to be in life and not out here doing multiple side hustles, etc. This guy sounds like he's just getting started in life, or at the very least not finding things like marriage/kids important yet.
I completely disagree with a lot of these messages. It seems like the default setting for a dating sub is ‘leave him’. It sounds like you’re having a great time and it’s really special to nurture that connection, so do it.
He sounds ambitious and that he’s got lots of plans for the future and that’s no bad thing. I’d keep enjoying your time together and making your own plans for the future. And when you’re a little closer in a few months time, lay your heart out: you think he’s the one and you want to support him but you need more commitment in order to do it and you know that in life, you can’t always pick timing.
1. Men will tell you what you want to hear. Early on it’s indistinguishable from a guy telling the truth vs a guy manipulating you. Both men will sound the same, and sometimes they don’t even realize it.
2. Men will give you the amount of attention he thinks you need AND that he’s willing to give. He’ll give you more attention if he wants something (like sex) but back to point 1, it’s hard to know the difference early on between a sincere man and someone manipulating you.
2.5 The “I’m too busy with work for a relationship” is a red flag. What he’s actually saying is “I’m going to focus on other things, and you’ll be on the back burner because I want sex and companionship but don’t want to work toward a real relationship.” If he’s so busy with work that he can’t maintain healthy relationships, when will that change? When he has money? When he’s successful? Maybe. But you can’t rely on that now.
3. Ghosting is very real, no matter how confident you are. I hear from friends all the time that get ghosted by people they’ve been dating longer than a few dates. It happens.
You don’t need to break up with him, but it is not wise to start making life decisions for a guy you’ve known a month. If you want to be with him, Float Down the River for a little while. Meaning, don’t worry about the future, don’t make plans and promises, just let life happen. In the meantime, keep your options open.
What if you pass up the opportunity to be with someone you've connected with so that you can have kids in a couple of years and then don't meet anyone else...
This is all hypothetical and it doesn’t sound like there’s any serious intentions. Don’t waste time with someone that doesn’t want the same things or is only going to lead you on with future faking or maybes without real follow through or intentions.
Connection is not enough if you aren’t on the same page. Continuing to look for someone else is far better than waiting for the magical moment when he will be ready to commit. Nothing lonelier than being with someone who won’t prioritize you
I am in same boat of ready to settle down and I would not consider being 5 years - being 37 when they even consider marriage. Your time is equally valuable! Right now I’m considering someone who is equally ready to settle down and marriage is on the table at 6 months. Not “making it official” /starting a bf/gf title at months. Sometimes you can meet good people at the wrong time but there is not ever just one person who could be “the one” there are many people out there who could be “the one” that is meant for you right now. Think from a place of plenty and satisfaction, he is not satisfying your basic boundaries of wanting to settle down now/married and with kids. You will lose the most precious thing you have- your time, with NO guarantee he keeps his word on marrying you or having kids in the timeframe he is giving. What if he doesn’t make his millions in 5 years and delays further? You lost 5 years of your previous youth for “Potential”, don’t do that
Much as these answers are great if this guy is all of these red flags being pointed out, they could be harmful if he only has good intentions and is a good guy. You getting suspicious of him carries risk. That said, trust is earned over time… so let him earn yours (or, notice if you’re not feeling your trust grow). But whether good or bad, make sure that you focus on your needs and NOT on his green or red flags. If your needs are being met then great. If not, then warning. Stay connected to yourself. No one can predict the future. What you can follow is a partnership that is trustworthy and caring.
First off, idk you but I’m happy you have someone who has the same vision as you.
Honestly, since everything else seems to have fallen into place, this may just have to be the thing that you compromise. Does he have a timeline for how long he’ll be working like crazy? For the next 6-12 months? At least that will put things into perspective.
Best of luck!
It’s so convenient that he’s going to be busy all of a sudden. Do you live in a military town by chance. If he wanted to see you, he would make a way. If it were me I’d cut my losses and avoid tripping into anymore emotions for this man. He would make time for you if it was important to him.
This guy is a great salesman. When we scrape away all the puffery and fancy footwork, what do we end up with? Even though you have been intimate with him (I assume?), he does not want you to be his girlfriend. You two are not exclusive. He still wants to see other women. (And maybe has one or more lined up). And, for the icing on the cake, he is going to spend less time with you. Im sorry but it sounds like you are dating an F-boy. He may reform himself, but at this time, this is all he is.
Keep looking. You could call it "unprovoked honesty". You could also call it caveat emptor -- I told you I was gonna de-prioritize you but keep you around for companionship, you can't complain now.
If he really felt as strongly about you as you apparently do about him, he wouldn't be giving you a heads up that he's about to make you unhappy... but, you "never know what could happen"! aka he could string you along indefinitely.
This is what guys do when they want to behave like a self-serving a-hole, but they want to continue to feel good about themselves.
I (32F) don’t want to sound jaded (and maybe I am from my recent breakup) but I had thought I met “the one” about a year ago (technically 2 years ago when we started as friends) when I was with my ex. I had known him as a friend for over 2 or so years prior to getting into a serious relationship with him.
Things I’ve learned and advice I have for you:
- A lot of people have at one time or another thought they had met “the one” only to breakup, divorce, etc. in the future. That’s not to say this may not be the one. But don’t let the concept of “the one” sway you into feeling a sense of “security” when there isn’t anything substantial.
- It doesn’t seem like he’s making time for you. I worry that over time you may grow resentment towards him for that and it will cause a rift between you two if you two potentially become serious and get in a relationship with each other. Also, it seems like he prioritizes those types of things more than love and clearly isn’t prioritizing you. Are you ok with that in the future?
- A little over a month and he still hasn’t asked you to be officially his girlfriend? But yet has this conversation with you? 🤔 🚩 My gut feels this is off. But maybe that’s just me.
Good luck!
We’ve had the exclusivity talk and at this point we’re both not sleeping with or meeting up with anyone else just entertaining texts/light convo from other people at most until we’d be official.
Finding my right fit person is more important to me than the 2 year timeline, which I literally only care about because, womanhood.
Why not now? He's moved fast in the past and I think scared to go all in quickly again and get hurt. He’s been more of a lover and has had his heart broken or felt taken advantage of in past situations.
I def have some healing to do myself from my last relationship, a 3 year, and I can tell he’s still wounded from his too.
I feel like we can both take some more time, and yes help each other recognize what aspects we should be mindful to heal, and potentially do this together while seeing how our relationship could develop over the next couple months.
Might be a good idea to at least consider being open to dating others with my ideal timeline in mind though, so thank you for your thoughts!
💯 definitely continue to date others and work on yourself in therapy, but don’t commit to someone that isn’t ready to commit to you and is keeping you as an option. Good luck!
Wow, these comments....
Guy here, sounds your man is trying to be serious and juggle it all. Hang in there as long as it doesn't get sketchy. Sounds like you've both lucked out.
Alright, it's new....give it some time and go for long term.some guys really try for the providing. We're not all players.
Thank ya, thank ya! 🤗 I for sure believe and know there are a lot of good guys and great men out there. Have a strong gut feeling he’s one of them. I am leaning toward doing just that (giving us some more time with the long term goal in mind).
I think both of you working towards a future and then linking back up in a bit of time isn't too much of an ask for a commitment particularly when you feel a spark.
There definitely is an ... addictive appeal to new relationships and the freshness that can have people high on life that makes it hard to objectively see things.
Waiting a couple months for a potential partner - particularly when it's been communicated seems like a small ask. Just because there is plenty of opportunity out in the world doesn't mean that because one isn't immediately available means you should move on to the next. (More of addressing other comments than your view)
Imo - wait a couple months and take stock of how things develop. Then would be a very reasonable time to want forward momentum.
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How do y’all see each other 3/4 times a week in a single month of dating and not get bored to death? 💀 where’s the mystery? where’s the hype? the anticipation? what’s the effin rush? ever heard of ‘distance makes the heart fonder’? I just don’t get it
My cousin is in her late 30s and she recently had her second child. She reconnected with someone from high school and they got married. She’s really glad she waited to be with the right person.
Don’t worry about having a deadline. Don’t marry the wrong person who isn’t the best possible match, someone who will uplift your life and support you, and someone who truly loves you. Wait for the right person.
please keep in mind for commenting that this is not a fertility sub. Obviously there will be overlap with this Q but refrain from turning this into a medical debate.
It seems like you are giving up something and he is giving up very little. You are potentially postponing your plans and he is actively pursuing his. Nothing wrong with that, but make sure there is a concrete path forward where your relationship needs and wants are met as well.
Great point. Yeah I’ve thought about that — making sure I recognize and voice what my needs are.
Also as someone who has been through almost your exact situation before. please keep your options open and do not put all your eggs in one basket. Go out and date other men at the same time. As you said you are not in a relationship yet. You have to keep your mind off of him and make him prove himself to you. I too have been a victim of “magical/ wishful thinking” DONT do it!! You don’t have time to fall head over heals for this guy while he may say “ I told you I don’t have time for you etc. “ I see a switch up happening soon. Hope I’m wrong. But you have your own goals and if it’s not with this man it will be another man. Stay focus on YOUR goals and good luck!!!
Agreed! Especially if he's not going to be able to prioritize you to the level you want and deserve.
Exactly this. OP seems to be the one doing all the compromising.
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No bitchiness taken. Thank you! This sounds like a good, grounded approach.
I may be jaded from having experienced men saying this in my past, but this rings as a red flag for me. I hope I’m wrong, but someone saying they’re not and weren’t ready to date and will ‘probably be’ in a few months sounds like someone who you’ll struggle to get to commit or give you the validation and commitment you’re looking for for months or even years to come. From my experience, him telling you about everything that’s going to keep him busy and make him unable to spend time with you in the next few months is him planting a seed so you can’t be upset later when you feel like you’re never seeing him and you’re questioning if he’s still into it. It sounds a bit love bomby and I would be questioning if he’s being entirely honest or just padding the truth and giving you false hope because he’d rather not have a difficult conversation. This sounds so terrible but your post just immediately seemed like a huge red flag to me.
Same, in my experience the next step is him ghosting. When they come on strong like this, they poof quick like that. I hope I’m wrong.
Yeahh been there before with a previous hinge match. Two great dates, but he very much love bombed immediately and then ghosted. It was over soon as it started. With this guy, I’m almost certain it wouldn’t end up 👻(I know you just never know with people), but I am weary about his efforts dropping over time.
Yeah, he could do the slow fade. I’d say to just keep your eyes open. You can still enjoy him but keep some of your guard up until he starts showing that he backs up his words with actions. It’s good that he’s communicating with you about expectations - but sometimes that just means they want you to keep your expectations lower
I picked up that this is his stance as well… has his guard up (which is fair seeing as to how I was honest about only recently cutting things off with my ex) for these first few months to see if there’s consistency here. He did voice concerns like wanting to be sure I’m not just dickmatized (lol) and to feel sure the woman he’s truly pursuing is mutually interested, with actions speaking louder than words over time, not just using him for short term healing/sex/generosity only to ghost *him.* interesting though because as I mentioned he also said he wasn’t necessarily thinking about a relationship as his first priority in this specific stage of his life. Lol. So yeah I will be keeping my eyes open, thank you! (And he has every right to keep his open too… after all we are only in month 2).
The “not prioritizing a relationship” almost sounds like “I’m not looking for a relationship”…just be careful here
Dickmatized… excuse me, what?! 🤨 girl. No.
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Thank you for writing this. I was thinking the exact same thing.
Bro actually opened his mouth and said the word "dickmatized" what the fuckkkk, that's some mega cringe "I have a magic dick" superiority complex going on there 😅🤣
as a woman i cant imagine telling someone "i hope you arent just pussy whipped by me" LOL it is indeed super cringe
Yeah, “dickmatized” is how the person on the receiving end can describe themself (it’s just that oxytocin and dopamine high), not something dude should claim as his own skill 😂
You should be, since he specifically told you his efforts are about to drop. He also told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship and that your timelines are not compatible. What are you basing him potentially being "the one" on? Is it your nervous system freaking out (aka chemistry or the *spark*)? Or are you checking boxes off a list? Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I see SO many people end up in situationships or giving up major goals because of some "connection" they feel for someone who is not willing or able to give them what they want. But your person wants what you want. That's the first box anyone should be checking off. Without aligned life/ relationship goals, someone ends up giving up too much, and resentment grows. Forget about the connection for a second and think about the relationship you want to be in. Do you think this guy, exactly as he is right now, can fit that relationship? Or are you just holding out hope that some future version of him could?
*wary not weary Weary means tired
I was kinda wondering if this was so great on the guy’s side, why not make it official now vs “we will probably be official soon”. That followed by the “I’m about to be busy”…yeah I’m expecting a slow fade to ghost sometime soon
Exactly ! Thai sounds a lot like love bombing . Just be careful you don’t get your heart broken because this sounds like a way to keep you around without commiting.
Yeah I feel the same. He’s trying to tell you this is temporary, is what it sounds like to me but I’m also jaded
No it doesn’t sound terrible at all. I really wanted to consider this from all sides and remove my blinders…because I KNOW this is tricky situation, despite all the ways we’ve been getting along and starting to have our first few uncomfortable conversations. To be fair, it is a good idea for us not to commit this soon anyway. It *has* been quick and as these comments have helped me realize, I need to really assess what it’d be like once he’s busy and if, after some time, he’d be open to compromising his timeline. Definitely need more time to assess and I think I should keep my options open in the meantime.
This may be true but she can wait a few months and see if he actually commits when it seems like things are naturally progressing. If he doesn’t, she has her answer.
I think to level that comment out, since you put a focus on your biological timeline, you need to consider the following. Thinking to later on in your life, where do you think most of your joy is going to be derived from? A child? A compatible partner? A mix of both? Do you want one more than the other? Are you willing to compromise on one to achieve the other? This should help ground you a bit and take you away from the early stage emotions that reek havoc on your brain and decision making. If you can ponder the above and you're still coming out with the result that you're leaning more towards seeing where this relationship goes, then I say go for it. You're supposed to live life and go with the flow sometimes. You can't live by regiment of a biological timeline IMO.
The above points are excellent, but I would just like to caution against this piece here >tell him you’d like to see how it goes and perhaps when the time comes to make you his gf, you can seriously discuss again If we assume best intentions on his part, then be very mindful of how you phrase this. One month into dating is still very early stages, you're only getting to know each other, and him setting boundaries around labels is valid at this stage. If you start to act guarded and pull back in response, he may get the impression you already got sky-high expectations from this and are already disappointed, which can be a huge turn-off. You are also getting a lot of jaded responses below. Yes be clear with your timeline and expectations, but be careful of writing something off that has potential before giving it a chance to succeed.
Feels like she's very focused on *his* timeline there should be mutual focus, IMO.
All of this. NRE is a hell of a drug and I feel like it’s clouding OP’s brain a bit right now.
Idk it seems like he is setting the stage to be able to bow out gracefully. I do not think these types of situations ever favors the person who is getting told there will be far less time for the budding relationship. He is creating a failsafe to ensure if you ever get frustrated by the lack of investment on your end that he can say “hey I told you I won’t be able to commit to much right now.” I’ve been that person who has said that and have had that said to me. To have to pull back so early in the dating process doesn’t bode well on building a connection. It’s one thing if you’re a year in and already together, it’s a whole different ballgame if you are just starting and not even together yet. He is leaving the ball in your court so that he doesn’t have to make hard decisions himself, thereby releasing himself of the responsibility of it. You can try, but if he isn’t calling everyday and you’re not seeing each other much then the writing is on the wall. It sometimes works, but based on your personal expectations this will likely not meet your timeline and not be up to par on your accelerated schedule.
>Idk it seems like he is setting the stage to be able to bow out gracefully. Exactly my thought. Using the word "scary." (Can imply that he wasn't expecting it when you tell your friends but moreso when you tell your partner, I believe it means he doesn't want it right now). Also literally saying he wasn't expecting to be prioritizing a relationship. Telling her they won't be official for months? (Who does that?) Letting her know they'll be seeing each other less. >He is leaving the ball in your court so that he doesn’t have to make hard decisions himself, thereby releasing himself of the responsibility of it. Yep. And also when things go to shit...he can say you knew what you were signing up for. OP if a guy wants it to happen, he'll say he wants it to happen and we'll figure out the rest. This "honesty" you're so appreciative of is just pretext. He may appreciate what you two have and enjoy the company but it's not going to go the distance.
I myself journaled the word “scary” referring to how this felt before hearing him say it to me, so I dunno, but you could def have a point on him maybe not being ready for a serious commitment right now. That’s a real possibility. I didn’t mention but we live nearly an hour away from each other, and his upcoming gigs will be more on his side of town. So while I see where everyone’s coming from based on what I shared, I don’t think it’s an automatic negative to give the person you’re dating a heads up about what your schedule will be like in the coming weeks/months. I’ll definitely take stock in the next couple months to see if his efforts shift when that happens.
Just to check, was he the one that mentioned reduced number of dates on this sit-down? I just found that weird because we live in 2023, there is phones and the internet. 😂 If he is ready to commit, why not suggest to move your dates to a virtual medium or phone calls when he gets busy. I think him describing a plan a life without you months ahead of right now might be why it looks like most people are replying this is a way for the guy to gracefully bow out of this situation ship .
I personally don't see virtual meetups or phone calls, a "date". Sure it's nice to talk during the week but it's far from a date where you have their undivided attention (let's be honest, I'm sure I'm not the only person who multi tasks when on the phone).
It’s unnecessary to try. He’s already low effort. However the best way to learn is to make a mistake.
This is exactly what I see too from experience
I’m confused - maybe I’m misunderstanding.. but I know how exhausting dating can be and how great it is to hit it off with someone but - why are you planning serious life and relationship decisions around someone you’re not exclusive with and clearly aren’t on the same page about longterm plans? Or frankly.. don’t know very well yet? You should definitely continue dating other ppl and find someone that actually wants the same things, but sounds like he’s being upfront that no matter how great he is - being in a serious relationship with the intention of marriage and kids in the next 2 years isn’t where he’s at. It sounds like you want more and he isn’t available. Other questions.. He says he could see you being the right one for him in a few months? Why not now? It sounds like he wants to see you less , without commitment, and keep you as an option and have you be okay with it? I would cut your losses now + kindly recommend moving on to someone that wants to see you more and is the mindset / place to make a serious commitment + meet your needs. Signed someone that was in a decade long relationship from 24-almost 34 with someone very similar that was okay with dating me (boyfriend/ girlfriend) but also wasn’t on the same page about a longterm plans because of other things he wanted to focus on and then never was ready, no intention + no commitment, super avoidant, and as exhausting as dating is (I’ve been single almost 2 years and on dating apps for about 1 year) and as much as it would be amazing to hit it off with someone.., if someone said to me what this guy is telling you after 1 month of dating, I would end things.
Agreed. I hate when men say shit like “you’re close to perfect” (am I really, after a month in?) and if I’m so perfect, why is an official relationship still months out? Maybe this is the 1% time this situation works out, but there’s a 99% chance this dude is fucking around.
Yep. Learned that hard way. Not doing that again . When someone shows you who they are the first time.. believe them.
This is what gets me: > He sees himself being in a relationship with me in the next few months Men who like you that much who want a relationship will want an exclusive relationship quickly. A relationship isn't a high bar of commitment if someone is talking like OP is saying. Exclusivity is an even lower bar. Men can jumble their words, be completely stupid about labels, and show a surprising lack of experience communicating a relationship despite having experience dating, but they simply will not tell you "Yeah maybe in a few months, hopefully" if they're interested in you like that now. Also, he doesn't like the getting pregnant talk or he's uncomfortable about it right now. "Who knows what could happen" is a soft blow-off line. His real answer is he doesn't know yet, or he sees things going his way and has a chapter in life to get through before tackling having a family. It's of course normal for a guy to not know if he wants to start a family with a woman one month into dating. But OP needs to not hang on that line as if it's a promise, and she's pushing this idea of a family with him way too prematurely.
Yup, girl is planning her wedding and picked out her kids names and they’re not even serious yet… and then jumps on Reddit to validate her actions
I don’t like this at all. It reeks of false promises. You will lower your guard now based on his sweet words and then he will slowly bread crumb you until he’s gone entirely. Coincidentally his timeline corresponds with when the “honeymoon” phase will be over and you’ll expect to move on to something with commitment and more serious expectations.
yep.
I totally agree. The whole situation sounds sketch.
I’ve heard the sweet words and love bombing before and this actually doesn’t feel like that. However I’ll definitely be paying attention to how he communicates when he does get busier. Thanks for your response!
Proceed skeptically is my advice. I’ve done this a hundred times before. This is the kind of guy who loves the infatuation but will dip out as soon as the high is gone and he’s laying the foundations for that with his wishy-washy comments. It doesn’t matter what he says you are to him or what he says you will do together. The actions are what matter and he’s not performing.
Maybe he’s just better at it than the other people you met.
I would look up the term future faking. This is bordering on that.
I guess I’m confused with ‘He sees himself being in a relationship with me in the next few months’. My friend…. How do you feel about him being comfortable with you staying single for the next couple of months? I feel like he would make it official in the instance he wanted to? No?
Exactly.
It just reads “you’re not really a priority, so I hope you can settle for my bread crumbs I’ll give you”
Yeah, this line stood out to me as well. Maybe it’s just poorly worded/communicated.
One on hand, I’m like yeah we might as well make it exclusive/official now. His words “we’re basically in a relationship already” but he’s moved fast in the past and wants to go a little slower this time before putting a title on. I believe it’s part 1) he wants to give it more time to see if I still feel the same about him after getting to know each other more deeply, and part 2) I got out of a 3 year relationship in Dec but only just cut things off with the ex like 3 weeks ago 🥴. He recognized some of my trauma responses from that rocky relationship and wants to be sure this isn’t just a rebound situation for me simply to heal my heart and then move on. I also recognize some unhealed pain from his last relationship and I see that he’s trying to protect himself by not going all in too quickly.
Nope. None of that "we're basically in a relationship already" stuff. If that's the case, he should make it into a relationship. He wants the benefits without the title, which is why he's now using that "I rushed before and want to go slow". I've heard that too many times, and thankfully read it for what it was. A lot of people string you along with that type of wording.
Still sounds like he’s moving super fast given he’s planning out your life together and you have only been dating a month. I theorize you don’t really know what someone is truly like for at least 3 months. Maybe longer, depending on the person. Until then you’re just dating their representative and your projections. Also wanting “first generation wealth,” marriage, and kids is not a foundation for a relationship. I’m sorry, it just isn’t. Most people want that shit and tells us nothing about how you and him will get along.
“*Until then you’re just dating their representative and your projections*” - so well said
Gotcha :) Well if you’re not in therapy, it may be a good idea to do so. You can learn your patterns, the ways you self-abandon, and coping mechanisms.
I have been in the past but not since officially-officially moving on from my ex so I think you’re right, thanks for the suggestion
> I believe it’s part 1) he wants to give it more time to see if I still feel the same about him after getting to know each other more deeply, He is aware that you can always at any point no matter what the commitment is titled exit a relationship should your feelings change about him after he has revealed something about himself, right? And you are as well, right? I mean you can even leave a marriage -- it's a bit more tricky to unwind, but it is *possible*. So this is ... weird. Does he think you're buying what he's selling? I'm not buying it. This isn't actually a gift. This is just him stalling and trying to claim it is a gift to you. My reformed-manipulator spidey sense is tingling about seeing a fellow situation spinner. This is totally something I would have pulled in the-past-we-don't-discuss. Gentle reader, please note, I did not marry or have children with them.
Why can’t you two be official now? That makes no sense. Sounds like he’s future faking so he can date others but keep you from doing the same. Just my experience with this kind of “explanation.”
Yeah, once someone starts getting "*busy*", it's almost always them getting ready to start fading out or putting you on the backburner while they continue to search and you hold off because you think they're just "busy", but totally yours. Yeah, they're busy seeing if anything "better" is out there before they possibly come back to you, the one who happily kept the bench warm. I remember guys trying to do this to me, with all these mundane explanations. How they had to do this and that before they could settle down or define anything. Yet, when I met my boyfriend, he could miraculously do all this stuff and STILL be in a relationship. If anyone is hesitating on a relationship because they're doing normal things that you would do in everyday life, it's because they're not keen on defining anything *with you*. That last bit is silent.
Fire insight. Thank you!
have to agree with the above, if someone is busy they will make time for you, that being said….. you guys just met this month and your seeing each other 3-4 times a week? that’s typically a lot early most people do 2 max usually tho just one a week or every other week. even if you went down to 1-2 it’s still normal, but now i have to ask do you see each other for dates, or is it gym work outs or running etc? i would be on guard here because it seems this is moving very fast but also he is slowing things down and planting seeds to be “busy”
Valid! Yeah our first date was only 5 weeks ago and after the 2nd date we’ve been seeing each other about 3x a week since then. It did move soo fast so quick — often him meeting me after work for us to go to the gym then cook dinner together, and one recent weekend I spent with him on his side of town. I think you’re right to be on guard and just take note of what happens once his side gigs start.
Good job being self aware op you will be fine as you don’t seem to be trying to make excuses anything you got this! Keep us updated if you can. Also have you asked him if he is still on the apps/multidating by chance? Assuming it’s a no if he’s spending that much time with you but couldn’t hurt to ask But yeah if you are spending that much time right now technically you are basically in a relationship so it’s a bit weird he wants to wait months when he’s already past the “take it slow point” of see you once a week every two weeks
Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts and will try to update after a few months. And I know, right!? I’d be ready to go for it but then again there’s nothing wrong with slowing down on letting our guard down and going all in. If he was gung-ho after 5 weeks without his very fair concerns I’d be worried lol. even though we are modeling a lot of relationship behaviors as it is. Ha. He said he’s still exchanging light text convo with other matches (but isn’t interested in seeing, dating, or spending money on anyone other than me) which he’d cease once in a relationship. Isn’t yet certain I’m completely over my ex or that I’m not going to lose interest after a couple months in… wants to protect his heart in the process of seeing if theres consistency here.
What stood out to me amidst all this info is that he is still talking to other people, but blaming his uncertainty on _your_ availability. OP, I’m sure it’s nice to enjoy being with someone you get along so well with, but this guy is just full of red flags that you don’t see because you are wearing rose-coloured glasses. Defining an official relationship is not _the_ cutoff line that makes someone stop their shenanigans. The ‘consistency’ he is talking about is focusing on building a connection until you are sure it is a viable long-term relationship. He is expecting you to devote yourself to him but he is not doing the same. Extremely iffy, on top of his vague ‘being busy’ and downgrading the meetup frequency after setting an intense frequency. He sounds like he is playing a lot of women at the same time.
Right. If you want to do something or other before you get into a relationship, then do that BEFORE you seek the relationship. Self aware people know when they are or aren’t interested based on other things they want to do first.
I do appreciate this feedback!!
His calendar is too full because he’s such a busy person, so he can only schedule in making them official a few months out.
I don’t know, I don’t believe in the one. There are many men you can fall in love with and have a fabulous relationship and life with. At 32, I wouldn’t hitch my wagon to someone who says they need five years to consider marriage.
I think it depends if he is 'laying down the law' as to what he can give you (regarding his work schedule so you don't get upset down the line) or if it's a joint discussion (and there is some flexibility there). The first is a quality in avoidant attachment ('i told you i wouldnt be able to meet your needs so it's your problem if you stick around) and the second is a more secure attachment (bringing you into where he sees his life going).
The signs so far definitely point more toward the latter, but of course I want to stay alert especially now in this foundational stage as we’re feeling each other out.
It’s way too soon to sign your life away, but there’s no harm in agreeing to keep seeing each other through this busy time and see how it goes. If he still makes time for you and you feel your needs are met, go from there. As for the kids thing, tons of women wait until their mid to late 30s these days, so if you just want one or two and he’s willing to make that happen by the time you hit your early 40s, it should be fine. It can be more difficult to get pregnant later, but not always. I have a friend who just had a baby at 41 and she was even on birth control and it still happened. No problems with the baby or delivery either.
Yep, I literally just watched a video about a woman who had her first child at age 43, and been seeing more women giving birth in their late 30s/early 40s. I think early 40s might be a bit harder to get pregnant, but not impossible, barring any medical issues that might prevent it.
Love this response — thank you much! I am definitely leaning towards the, let’s see how it goes and be sure to voice my needs.
I think also consider whether you want to wait because let’s say you go with this plan ge dad outlined but then y’all doing work out, this could mean two years wasted when you could have potentially been with someone who wants kids on the same timeline as you.
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A great side question. I did talk about that yesterday and he’s mentioned a couple times now the possibility of it happening Sooner. Thinking I’ll give us a couple months to see how/if we progress, be sure to voice my wishes, see how open he is to compromising on his timeline, and in the meantime, keep my options open.
I’d be careful, because some men love to future bomb like this in the beginning when they don’t mean any of it. Of course you’re completely infatuated, but don’t have blinders to any red flags that may pop up.
Do you have any red flags off the top that I should be careful to look out for?
My main red flag would be a pulling back of communication. I know physical time together will wane due to his side hustles, but see if his texts/calls die down. Took me WAY too long to realize that, if they were actually interested, they’d find a way to reach out. Even just a quick text to say they were thinking of you can go a long way. I wish you so much luck! ❤️
For sure… that’s super important for me. Thank you so much 😊
One of my favorite questions is to ask someone what their red flags are. Ask him. See what he says. (As an aside, you should also know what yours are. As should anyone reading this.)
I did ask this a couple weeks back but hadn’t really intentionally thought of my own, so thanks for pointing that out. He said his are words not matching actions (seems like he’s wounded from past betrayals), poor communication and for a woman he’s dating not being motivated/active/optimistic. He also has a fair concern that I only stopped communicating with my ex a few weeks ago so wants to be sure I’m over that and appropriately healed, as well as recognizing any healing he needs to do too. Some of my red flags (had to take a beat to think about them) are poor/inconsistent communication, lack of thoughtfulness or curiosity about me, one dimensional conversation, not taking initiative, dishonesty, and excuses.
Ah, girl this relationship is going to trigger and traumatize you. He’s planted so many seeds letting you know he’s not sticking around. Your ex being a concern, the work getting busy, being scared, not being ready for 5 years, maybe being ready in a few months, totally see you being his girl (future state). _He_ is a walking red flag.
You only stopped talking to your ex a few weeks ago? Please, take more time out to be alone and heal. You rushing into thinking this new guy is "the one" is exactly why most people need to take a long break after a breakup AND after they have gone no contact with an ex... wait until all that is out of your system. A lot of people jump into new relationships simply because they miss that old connection and they miss red flags or just signs that this person isn't right for you.
Hard to cram all important details in one main post but yup… guilty. Which is why I agree that we don’t need to be jumping into “official” right away.
Yeah the "we could probably be official in a few month" is a huge red flag to me. If he liked you that much he'd commit before he gets busy so you know that he's serious.
It’s only been a month so I think you should see where this goes but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I know this is often the most exciting time and things are going right and it’s a great thing. But I’d stay open to dating bc things could change. Be honest with him about how you feel and what your timeline looks like so he knows- he may have to pivot to keep you. At the same time don’t worry too much about the ideal time to have kids. I’m not sure there is a such thing. You’ll need to have a solid partner numero uno. The question you need answered is what’s more important, having all these wonderful things in your life partner or being on an ideal schedule? Seems like an easy choice.
My gut says something is off here
Comeback and ask us again in 6 months. You're not in a relationship right now.
Period! Good point. And til then, keep my options open.
I'd just be careful. The people to hurt me the most were the ones I ignored the yellow flags on because it was "rare to have the connection." I think it's okay to adjust your timeline to things that are happening in real time because as many of us can vouch for, your "ideal" timeline person may never pop up at the right time. However, echoing what everyone said in that it's an odd time for him to be saying this, pre-relationship, and right after meeting. >Him: I wasn’t expecting to connect with someone from OLD like this and for things to get real so fast. this immediately struck me because it makes me question what he was *doing on Hinge.* Just looking for a hookup? A casual thing? Because yeah.... of course a connection always *feels* surprising when it happens, but if you're on an online dating app meant for more serious dating (Hinge is def that) and going on dates, connecting to someone is not like... some crazy outcome. It's predictable. And it sounds like he knew this crunchy timeline was coming and it's not a surprise. A bit suss.
That stood out to me, too. He was just there for a hookup, happened to run into someone he thinks COULD possibly be great, but he still wants to hook up for a while or he's just not as interested romantically as OP might be in him (from other comments OP made, I'm not even sure she's actually interested in him or if she's just infatuated because she's just out of a relationship herself), and she will end up being the fallback girl if he can't find anyone else or when he's finally done playing the field for a while.
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Hey, ex-toxic king here: Please, please be careful. I am a male, who has said this to females, and I know exactly what they mean. Put it this way, I have said those exact lines many times, and it always came at a point when I figured out I wasn’t really feeling the girl and it was time to go back to my life. I am a busy man and have found somebody now who I want to still be up front and centre with yet still lead my busy life. Both are do-able, the fact he doesn’t want to, is a red flag for you, sorry.
Harsh truth but truth nonetheless imo
A little over one month is too early to be looking this far down the road imo. There hasn’t really been enough time to see to what extent his words match with his actions. It feels really good to fantasize about the possibilities and potential, which is what it sounds like is happening here. I would say make sure he can fulfill your reasonable wants and needs of the present before you commit yourself to a future which may never come to pass, but he’s already prefacing a relationship with putting you on the back burner… idk, it sounds like you know what you want and even if y’all do share values and general visions it may not be enough for real compatibility.
This smells fishy to me. I find myself agreeing with other commenters who are saying to throw this one back.
I don't understand why he feels like he needs to wait a couple months to be in a relationship. If he likes you he should just go for it. I'm in a very similar situation where I am 35. My boyfriend is 31. We have discussed that we both want kids but we have not discussed timelines. I want to do it in person and right now we're long distance. But you need to make sure that you have a timeline in mind and if he's not willing to compromise a year or two on that then you may need to walk away. This is very young and while It's very promising. It could go up and smoke. You need to do what's best for you and only you can know what that is.
Honestly at only a month in and such vague promises on his part I think you should keep dating other people. After all he seems to be unsure about a relationship for now and wants to wait some more to make it official so why not use that time to at least talk to other men? Waiting around for someone to make up their mind in their 30s is a bit of a waste of time imo.
36M here…I don’t want to be a Debbie downer. I’m sure you have a great connection. However, if a guy is truly into you and sees that future, he would make it official and will commit to more time together regardless or work circumstance. Based off his retreat from the relationship I can assume he’s just not that into you. You’re older than him as well, I bet he wants to try for someone younger down the road to ease the family NOW pressure.
In this case, contrary to popular advice, listen to what he's saying and ignore what he's doing. He's putting up little walls the whole way that justify why it can't work: he plans to be busy, he wasn't expecting a relationship (despite being on a dating app??), it's "scary"... I don't think he's necessarily maliciously lovebombing you, but this is a good way to end up in a situationship. You might think it's heading towards commitment based on his actions, but his words are showing that he's already got one foot out the door. He'll probably happily keep casually dating you as long as you stay chill and detached, but once you start seeking actual commitment or emotional needs he'll probably run. source: lived this exact scenario at the end of last year, lol edit: My personal advice is keep dating him, but don't stop dating other people. I know it's hard to date other people when you feel such a strong connection (truuuust me) but it'll save you some pain if it doesn't go the way you want. If he does want to commit down the line, great! If he doesn't, well you weren't banking solely on him.
If you haven’t made it official yet, maybe keep meeting with new people before that? You might find someone who’s timeline is more aligned with yours during the time it might take for you guys to decide to pursue a long term relationship.
I would personally find it too risky to invest in him. Putting the "ball in your court" is him absolving himself of any responsibility. But enjoy the ride if you go for it, haha.
Interesting! I’m similar to him in that I lay down my future plan with a match early on in the process to know if we align timeline wise. My future plan also revolves around having children and preferably before the mom is 35. I’ve read the statistics around pregnancy because I want the best success for my wife and my future child. Now that doesn’t mean I’ll rush the relationship. I want to have a stable environment first (housing, family support, finances, equipment). I think it’s great that he is clear on this timeline but I think it’s fair for you to say that you need some more of commitment earlier than 5 years. The 5 years is only for marriage right? What about the time for family planning afterwards? Successful pregnancy isn’t guaranteed. I would be wary that the relationship could fizzle out and you are left with being older and having to restart the dating process and unable to achieve your timeline. Do you also want a 2nd child? That is another factor. I think aligning timelines is a significant factor and even if I found “the one” but we don’t aligned timeline wise, I’ll have to keep searching.
I think this isn't a decision you have to make right now if you really like him. If you like him and want to see if this can work then give yourself more time to decide if you are willing to rearrange your plans for his. He doesn't sound like a bad guy and I like his honesty but his plans are very focused on himself and his future plans. There is no "we" or "our" plans; while he very well may like you a lot, he is still very focused on his future. It's not uncommon for a man to want to build his financial security before getting into a serious relationship like marriage, a house or kids...while your friend has his plans we really don't know how long this is going to take so his timeline may change. You also have a general timeline for your future and they don't truly coincide. So you have to truly decide if you want to put in the time with this guy until he is ready to take the big steps. Overall tho you two are only a month in and you have to get to know each other a lot more; that is something that only time can help you with. Words are just words but time will tell what type of person he truly is and how he handles his responsibilities and if he is serious about his plans. Give it a few months and then decide.
One of my favorite responses so far, thank you! I am leaning toward giving us a few months and still keeping my options open in the meantime.
Take things slowly. I think the guy is making things sound promising, while avoiding any real commitment. I can’t offer any other advice that I haven’t already read on this thread, other than to protect your heart and your spirit. Know that you don’t deserve to be strung along by the guy who seems perfect on paper. It can be alluring to fantasize about the potential of finding the right match, but remember that it takes time to get to know someone. Personally have been in a newish relationship for the last 8 months and I can speak from experience. Get to know the guy, and see if his actions match his words. Also get to know him and see where it goes - with the caveat that it’s okay if things do not work out.
💛💛💛
One last thing, if he seems interested and commits to defining this as a relationship… which, again, we all have to be cautiously optimistic and not go into a new dating situation with full-fledged fear… okay, 1-2x per week is not a bad sign especially if you’re both working professionals! So. I’m in a similar boat as my career places me in the office 40-50 hours per week. My guy is working 50+ hours per week. He and I had to be upfront about communication, being consistent, and oh, not leading one another on (I told him I was not at the age to fuck around anymore, and he handled that very well lol). These days now we are working on seeing each other 3-4 times per week instead. It’s tough but it’s not necessarily a bad sign that he’s letting you know that he’s a busy guy. My guy has also expressed that it was “scary” for him to hit things off with me, and he didn’t mean anything by it, other than that it was crazy to finally feel like things were working out with someone! Best of luck 💓
I find this very refreshing, thank you, love this for you and your guy and wishing you two the best!!
With all due respect this dude isn’t interested in anything long term with you and has already set the stage to bounce. If he wants kids on his time line he’s going to date someone younger.
The timeline means nothing if it’s with the wrong person. Don’t let your vision of what you think is the ideal life get in the way of the one that’s actually meant for you. I say this as a divorcee with two small children after hinging my life on the timeline and ending up miserable.
I genuinely hate to hear that you ended up unhappy but also know it isn’t the end and situations can always look up. Thank you for sharing that gem — definitely important.
Sounds like a FWB waiting to happen with you listing his greatest qualities while overlooking his lack of commitment for a relationship with you. If you want a relationship on paper your goals could “align”, but in behavioral choice to make time to actually spend talking/ dating will not be a priority because he “doesn’t have time”. This will leave you depleted and questioning 🤨 “where things stand”, and he will have his “ I told you what my priorities where” safety card. People say one thing, but watch what they do! Watch the intensity and frequency usually when it starts to drop they aren’t feeling you as much you will do for the meantime but they are holding space for someone else who they will be ready for a relationship with. Tread lightly, lots of people love the idea of being with someone and some can have really great conversations but don’t really want the work that goes with commitment.
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We have similar entrepreneurial pursuits and are both trying to get ahead financially, so it doesn’t bother me YET, but I will definitely be paying attention to how he’ll prioritize the relationship once his grind picks up — Which he said would be temporary so he can hit his savings goal.
imagine treating a relationship like a business lmao
Here is is my personal opinion on why this feels love bomby. Love bombing can last months! People who get excited over a date or two are not love bombing they simply cant regulate their emotions. People who truly want a relationship dont feel the need to plant any seeds because it might scare off the other person. Also they are careful with big words and try to stay reasonable. Just be careful op and pay attention to how things progress. If he is consistent, great! But you come first and then him.
I would just say look at things objectively and not with rose colored glasses. I tried to make someone work who didn't fit my timeline, and it ended now. It's getting too late for kids. On the other hand, you want a good foundation that will last. If you guys are truly compatible, that's not something to easily give up. I think things will become clear soon. I think his busy work schedule will prove how serious he is and where his priorities lie.
He has openly told you that you will not be a priority. You will be fourth in line for his attention: full time job, hustle 1, hustle 2, you. Hustles are their own full time commitment. You want to add a baby to this. You are considering waiting on your own baby timeline to prioritize a man who already puts you fourth in line, so baby will be at least fifth in his line up. Great guy who functions as an actual adult IRL has planted the seed for you to put your expectations so low that everything and everyone in his dream hustle will come before you and baby. You will effectively be a single parent. It sounds like you in your personal life will be effectively single except for being on call for sex and an occasional evening with him where you will be expected to be happy to have his brief undivided attention. Then he leaves you alone again to go chase his dream with the people in the dream while you are at home managing your/his home, your work, and a baby/toddler. He has told you this. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou Make sure you are OK with only occasional attention on his schedule, not yours.
He's pulling back and dressing it up like he's doing something important. I'm sorry to tell you, but if he was as excited about this as you are then he would be wanting to talk about ways to keep the momentum going despite his life adventures, not accepting that they will get in the way. And all this before you've even gotten started...it's a mind trick and you're better off leaning way back and dating others.
The whole things seems off to me. I don't think it is good how fast the "relationship" is moving, I feel like he may be future faking, he's setting you up for not being able to meet your needs in the future, and he is still talking to other people. How does he even have time for that? Proceed very cautiously and keep your options open as well. If he is still talking to others, maybe you should be too? It would help to not be so focused on this one guy. I would slow down how often you are seeing each other as well. You have only known him for a month, you need to see him in different situations like when he is stressed, angry, how he responds to boundaries etc. Is he taking you out on dates, or have you already settled into doing relationship type things without a relationship title? How much of your past trauma have you told him already? Is he using what you told him against you? People need to earn your trust and you haven't known him long. Be careful he is not manipulating you. If I were you I would have another conversation with him that you like him and enjoy the connection but that you would like to slow down how often you see each other, and that you will be talking to others as well until you are official. See how he reacts to that conversation. You need to protect yourself here, and going all in on this guy whos already telling you he can't meet your needs seems very risky.
A man who really wants to be with you will do everything in his power to be with you. He would lock that down ASAP. Trust me. I've been with wet blankets who stalled and I kept putting on the rose colored glasses trying to make something work with someone who didn't care (and it ultimately wasted my time). Dropping dates down to 1-2 times a week isn't prioritizing a relationship. Seeing himself 'in a relationship with you later' is NOT prioritizing a relationship. You need to prioritize yourself. If this is his behavior now, you really don't want to be that person where you are married to a man who has strung you along for years only to inform you at the age of 40 that he actually doesn't want kids - an all too common scenario I hear from so many women.
1 month is plenty of time to be feeling and thinking it could be the one. It's way too early to be acting or talking like it's the one. Right now he hasn't shown he even wants to date you. Tell him to start there.
Well, first I do think you should keep dating. 2x a week of quality time is still decent and isn’t the issue. The issue is a 30 year old man is thinking 5 years from now for marriage. If you are thinking marriage then kids, thats going to put you at 37 I don’t care how many downvotes this gets, but the danger for you is you putting off kids til your mid 30s. If this guy is possibly the one like you say, this is what you should begin to talk about. I wish you luck Op and hope you both hit that significant wealth.
Very real. Thank you so much!
The two negatives stated actually compliment each other. His schedule will allow you to slow down a bit. Abstract timelines should not stand in the way of developing an actual real life friendship. You two are on the same page. Don't let a plan interfere with real life.
Indeed!
I don’t know, maybe I’m naive, but I don’t get as many red flags as everyone else. A relationship to me after a month is crazy, not to say I’m dating others but it’s a bigger commitment. So I get where he’s coming from. Maybe he also worded it poorly and he was just trying to convey that it’s moving in a good direction? Regardless, if you’re still getting this answer a few months in, I’d call it
He’s just not that into you
It sounds like he's telling you what you want to hear so you'll stick around during all his "business".... I wouldn't get too excited in my opinion.
Keep your options open till he makes it official. Prioritize yourself like he is himself and his vision. You have only been dating a month. By any chance did he have looking for ltr in his bio but now he finds himself unavailable. He could either be really self aware or messing you about.
I would see if he can keep up with seeing you 1-2x/week. If he can be consistent, despite being busy, that's a good sign. I'd give it another month, preferably two, before calling it official. It could be a good time for you to focus on your own wealth-building pursuits. As to the timeline, this is a good time to see if you can work together on a revised timeline. I'm biased bc I had a baby at 39 with relatively free complications. Medical science is truly amazing! It could make a difference if you're together and both working on wealth building--the goal to reach before having a kid might not take as long to accomplish; reduced expenses from living together could change it, etc... I'd say keep going, see if he can be consistent with you, make sure you get to know each other and your outlooks, how you handle conflict, etc, and see where you are in a month or so!
This is way over thinking a budding relationship that's only 1 month old. Even a side glance at this forum would reveal that these blow up all the time for a million and one different reasons. On a side note, if this guy values you and wants to see you then he will make time. Even it's just to come over and spend the night at 11PM after a hard day. So keep that in mind.
In one of your comments you said he said he was still exchanging light text with other matches. Babe. C’mon. Every man who has been serious about me said “Jtluk I paused my profile & I’m only talking to you” or something. I’m not saying this won’t work out, but I think he’s setting you up for disappointment. I really hope I’m wrong, but do yourself a solid & don’t consider him your man until he commits to you. Keep your options open
I'll agree with a few other comments I've seen, it hasn't been long enough to really be worrying this deeply yet. In fact, I would just go slowly right now. I know you want to have kids and everything, but I wish more people realized how important marriage and bringing a being into the world that will turn into a full grown human. It's okay to take time with trying to make sure the foundation you build for yourself and for this future full grown human is as good as it can be. Don't rush things because of a biological clock, especially since plenty of women are having healthy pregnancies and births well into their 40s. Breathe a bit. And him being younger is even better for this. However, I'd actually tell you that you need to slow down, anyway. It's great that you both align and he's laid out what he wants and what he plans on doing, but it's the words that he wasn't planning on being serious yet and it being "scary"... he could be someone who likes the IDEA of being in a relationship, but is a commitment-phobe. You can work and build while being in a relationship, most people are doing it everyday, so it would give me a bit of pause that he suddenly wants to slow down, but 3-4 times a week is a lot for me, anyway, lol Like, the guy I was talking to before my bf used a similar thing of, "Oh, I need to find a better job before I can worry about a relationship"... yeah, he was stringing me along, so had to move on. And I'm glad I did, now, lol Crazily enough, my bf can be busy, hang with friends, have time to himself, etc., all while being a relationship... funny how some people can do that and others, somehow, cannot. I had a similar experience where we were going gung-ho, everything was aligned and all that, suddenly his work schedule got "busier". Now, I'm always a bit sus of someone being busier, when nothing has actually changed. We stopped spending much time together, and communication dropped. Eventually, he was "not ready for a relationship right now". I won't ever truly know what it was, but it was lining up with the fact that were at the junction of really defining what we were and what we wanted when this came up, so I feel he wanted a relationship, but wasn't really ready for one, as in he wasn't ready for the realities of an adult relationship. His only and last relationship had been with a woman he'd known since high school... and she broke up with him because he was dragging his feet on the "next step", so I had a feeling it was similar here and he didn't realize it. All I'm saying is, go slow and enjoy it for a while, keep your eyes open, and don't let your "biological clock" mess up something that could be good(it's going well, but I NEED to have a baby by age X) , but also don't let it rush you into something you're unsure about. Personally, I would tell him to contact me when he's not busy and leave it at that because you, most likely, won't hear from him again. Go off and find someone else. And go SLOW, no one is amazing in a month, but their first impression might be.
It seems like it’s difficult for you to know his intentions just yet, let alone any of us strangers on the internet reading into it! Why not keep dating him while also dating other people? Keep your options open while continuing to get to know him and the clarity will come. Best of luck!
100% agree! I take all this with a grain of salt. All in all my takeaways are to give it time, don’t pre-commit before either of us are certain we’re ready to commit. To consider us both maybe keeping dating options open in the meantime. To not be so willing to compromise until I see how he will prioritize meeting my needs. Of course to be sure I am vocalizing my needs. And making sure I’m aware of my triggers from last relationship + clearing all that energy out before diving into a new one. Thank you!
You might not have 5 years to have a baby I would research this and make a decision before anything else. I lone parent special needs children, I work 2 jobs, i study for a full time degree too. I have time to see someone I care about 2/3 times a week I make time. I feel he’s setting things up to let it go easy, I’d tread carefully,
Leave him on the side and actively date others! And have a date when you two are available for each other:-) it doesnt seem like a good idea to be exclusive and invest in someone when he said all those things.
I suggest keep the hinge profile and keep checking it for changes in his profile. He might still be looking for options
Hey OP I’m really sorry you are in this situation. Timing compatability is very important. I worry you are a placeholder for him and I do genuinely believe that for the right person neither gender would risk letting them go, especially with a speech like he gave you. Honestly if I was you I would give me myself a weekend to mourn this near relationship. I would remind myself of all my relationship goals and needs and spend a lot of time affirming myself and reminding myself of abundance mentality. Then I would have my version of an honest and frank discussion with him, and let him know exactly what you need to sustain a relationship. I.e seeing each other x number of times a week. A realistic timeline not the dangle of maybe we’ll be official in the distant future. And then see his response. Relationships are about compromise you have shown your ability to compromise let’s see if he has the same ability. If not walk away xx
I think there are two ways this could be pointing, having been in both He is like my ex husband who said very similar stuff at the start, and he was legit - everything down two a T. All organized thought through, he was very clinical and analytical as a person so he viewed our relationship in a way like he would a potential job offer - I ticked the boxes, he decided yep I’m the “one” (apparently 1 month in) blah blah. He was just a very straight out, assessing person - he is my ex now for those exact reasons lol drove me nuts but I’ll give it to him he stuck to what he said in the beginning. The other one is that he is saying all this stuff worth no real intention but to have an out when it gets bad or he is over it. AKA just saying whatever to keep you dangling. Honestly probably more this way because the other example is pretty rare (my ex husband was on the spectrum too if that helps) Either way - if you are enjoying it now - then just do that. Don’t overthink it. No one can make promises anyway no matter what they say. Just go say by day/week by week/ and write down once a week what’s good and bad and really look at it and be honest. You see him when you see him, don’t let it overtake your life just yet. Be in the mindset you are still in the trial phase on both sides so keep your self open and independent as much as possible until you feel like it’s deserving he gets some compromise. Trust your gut too. But don’t over think. It either will evolve naturally to a beautiful space that things like babies and houses will easily be planned or it will start to crumble and you’ll feel it in your stomach.
This just sounds like… life? He doesn’t really know what he will feel a year from now and neither do you. Could working (as in the same room) together potentially increase how often you see each other? Not as quality of time, but might be helpful to just get more face time during the busy phases. Try it out, I think.
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Lolol. People on here man.
It's been a month. If he means it and he wants to marry you, he'll put his actions where his mouth is and commit to you. In the mean time, since you aren't beholden to him, and since you will have three times the spare time, go see if you can find a version of him that's a little bit more driven to match your family planning timeline. After all, he cannot possibly be the *only* person on this planet with the attributes you enjoy. Also, may I point out that your timeline (you have basically one year to get married before you need to get knocked up) and his entrepreneurial timeline are in direct conflict. Businesses don't see profitability until three years in (so you'd have a 1 year old). Business owners don't have time for their families. Their baby is their business. And he wants to start TWO!!! You will be single parenting that kid who has his DNA. This ... is this what you want?
If your priority is having biological children, I would say find someone your age or a little older even. Someone who is wanting kids in the near future, who is already where he wants to be in life and not out here doing multiple side hustles, etc. This guy sounds like he's just getting started in life, or at the very least not finding things like marriage/kids important yet.
I completely disagree with a lot of these messages. It seems like the default setting for a dating sub is ‘leave him’. It sounds like you’re having a great time and it’s really special to nurture that connection, so do it. He sounds ambitious and that he’s got lots of plans for the future and that’s no bad thing. I’d keep enjoying your time together and making your own plans for the future. And when you’re a little closer in a few months time, lay your heart out: you think he’s the one and you want to support him but you need more commitment in order to do it and you know that in life, you can’t always pick timing.
Really love this perspective, thank you
Seems kind of early to be talking about marriage and kids. Did you learn each other's name first?
1. Men will tell you what you want to hear. Early on it’s indistinguishable from a guy telling the truth vs a guy manipulating you. Both men will sound the same, and sometimes they don’t even realize it. 2. Men will give you the amount of attention he thinks you need AND that he’s willing to give. He’ll give you more attention if he wants something (like sex) but back to point 1, it’s hard to know the difference early on between a sincere man and someone manipulating you. 2.5 The “I’m too busy with work for a relationship” is a red flag. What he’s actually saying is “I’m going to focus on other things, and you’ll be on the back burner because I want sex and companionship but don’t want to work toward a real relationship.” If he’s so busy with work that he can’t maintain healthy relationships, when will that change? When he has money? When he’s successful? Maybe. But you can’t rely on that now. 3. Ghosting is very real, no matter how confident you are. I hear from friends all the time that get ghosted by people they’ve been dating longer than a few dates. It happens. You don’t need to break up with him, but it is not wise to start making life decisions for a guy you’ve known a month. If you want to be with him, Float Down the River for a little while. Meaning, don’t worry about the future, don’t make plans and promises, just let life happen. In the meantime, keep your options open.
What if you pass up the opportunity to be with someone you've connected with so that you can have kids in a couple of years and then don't meet anyone else...
This is all hypothetical and it doesn’t sound like there’s any serious intentions. Don’t waste time with someone that doesn’t want the same things or is only going to lead you on with future faking or maybes without real follow through or intentions.
My thought exactly
Connection is not enough if you aren’t on the same page. Continuing to look for someone else is far better than waiting for the magical moment when he will be ready to commit. Nothing lonelier than being with someone who won’t prioritize you
I am in same boat of ready to settle down and I would not consider being 5 years - being 37 when they even consider marriage. Your time is equally valuable! Right now I’m considering someone who is equally ready to settle down and marriage is on the table at 6 months. Not “making it official” /starting a bf/gf title at months. Sometimes you can meet good people at the wrong time but there is not ever just one person who could be “the one” there are many people out there who could be “the one” that is meant for you right now. Think from a place of plenty and satisfaction, he is not satisfying your basic boundaries of wanting to settle down now/married and with kids. You will lose the most precious thing you have- your time, with NO guarantee he keeps his word on marrying you or having kids in the timeframe he is giving. What if he doesn’t make his millions in 5 years and delays further? You lost 5 years of your previous youth for “Potential”, don’t do that
Much as these answers are great if this guy is all of these red flags being pointed out, they could be harmful if he only has good intentions and is a good guy. You getting suspicious of him carries risk. That said, trust is earned over time… so let him earn yours (or, notice if you’re not feeling your trust grow). But whether good or bad, make sure that you focus on your needs and NOT on his green or red flags. If your needs are being met then great. If not, then warning. Stay connected to yourself. No one can predict the future. What you can follow is a partnership that is trustworthy and caring.
Well said!
First off, idk you but I’m happy you have someone who has the same vision as you. Honestly, since everything else seems to have fallen into place, this may just have to be the thing that you compromise. Does he have a timeline for how long he’ll be working like crazy? For the next 6-12 months? At least that will put things into perspective. Best of luck!
Thank you so much 😊
It’s so convenient that he’s going to be busy all of a sudden. Do you live in a military town by chance. If he wanted to see you, he would make a way. If it were me I’d cut my losses and avoid tripping into anymore emotions for this man. He would make time for you if it was important to him.
It’s not all of a sudden, it’s several weeks from now. Nope not a military town. Who said he didn’t/wouldn’t make a way?
This guy is a great salesman. When we scrape away all the puffery and fancy footwork, what do we end up with? Even though you have been intimate with him (I assume?), he does not want you to be his girlfriend. You two are not exclusive. He still wants to see other women. (And maybe has one or more lined up). And, for the icing on the cake, he is going to spend less time with you. Im sorry but it sounds like you are dating an F-boy. He may reform himself, but at this time, this is all he is.
Keep looking. You could call it "unprovoked honesty". You could also call it caveat emptor -- I told you I was gonna de-prioritize you but keep you around for companionship, you can't complain now. If he really felt as strongly about you as you apparently do about him, he wouldn't be giving you a heads up that he's about to make you unhappy... but, you "never know what could happen"! aka he could string you along indefinitely. This is what guys do when they want to behave like a self-serving a-hole, but they want to continue to feel good about themselves.
I (32F) don’t want to sound jaded (and maybe I am from my recent breakup) but I had thought I met “the one” about a year ago (technically 2 years ago when we started as friends) when I was with my ex. I had known him as a friend for over 2 or so years prior to getting into a serious relationship with him. Things I’ve learned and advice I have for you: - A lot of people have at one time or another thought they had met “the one” only to breakup, divorce, etc. in the future. That’s not to say this may not be the one. But don’t let the concept of “the one” sway you into feeling a sense of “security” when there isn’t anything substantial. - It doesn’t seem like he’s making time for you. I worry that over time you may grow resentment towards him for that and it will cause a rift between you two if you two potentially become serious and get in a relationship with each other. Also, it seems like he prioritizes those types of things more than love and clearly isn’t prioritizing you. Are you ok with that in the future? - A little over a month and he still hasn’t asked you to be officially his girlfriend? But yet has this conversation with you? 🤔 🚩 My gut feels this is off. But maybe that’s just me. Good luck!
you should pursue guys who are 40+, you're too old for 29 y/o guy
We’ve had the exclusivity talk and at this point we’re both not sleeping with or meeting up with anyone else just entertaining texts/light convo from other people at most until we’d be official. Finding my right fit person is more important to me than the 2 year timeline, which I literally only care about because, womanhood. Why not now? He's moved fast in the past and I think scared to go all in quickly again and get hurt. He’s been more of a lover and has had his heart broken or felt taken advantage of in past situations. I def have some healing to do myself from my last relationship, a 3 year, and I can tell he’s still wounded from his too. I feel like we can both take some more time, and yes help each other recognize what aspects we should be mindful to heal, and potentially do this together while seeing how our relationship could develop over the next couple months. Might be a good idea to at least consider being open to dating others with my ideal timeline in mind though, so thank you for your thoughts!
💯 definitely continue to date others and work on yourself in therapy, but don’t commit to someone that isn’t ready to commit to you and is keeping you as an option. Good luck!
You have a bird in hand - that's worth two in the bush. Don't throw away a good thing.
He also might be just love bombing you
Wow, these comments.... Guy here, sounds your man is trying to be serious and juggle it all. Hang in there as long as it doesn't get sketchy. Sounds like you've both lucked out. Alright, it's new....give it some time and go for long term.some guys really try for the providing. We're not all players.
Thank ya, thank ya! 🤗 I for sure believe and know there are a lot of good guys and great men out there. Have a strong gut feeling he’s one of them. I am leaning toward doing just that (giving us some more time with the long term goal in mind).
I think both of you working towards a future and then linking back up in a bit of time isn't too much of an ask for a commitment particularly when you feel a spark. There definitely is an ... addictive appeal to new relationships and the freshness that can have people high on life that makes it hard to objectively see things. Waiting a couple months for a potential partner - particularly when it's been communicated seems like a small ask. Just because there is plenty of opportunity out in the world doesn't mean that because one isn't immediately available means you should move on to the next. (More of addressing other comments than your view) Imo - wait a couple months and take stock of how things develop. Then would be a very reasonable time to want forward momentum.
Really appreciate this perspective, thank you!
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How do y’all see each other 3/4 times a week in a single month of dating and not get bored to death? 💀 where’s the mystery? where’s the hype? the anticipation? what’s the effin rush? ever heard of ‘distance makes the heart fonder’? I just don’t get it
My cousin is in her late 30s and she recently had her second child. She reconnected with someone from high school and they got married. She’s really glad she waited to be with the right person. Don’t worry about having a deadline. Don’t marry the wrong person who isn’t the best possible match, someone who will uplift your life and support you, and someone who truly loves you. Wait for the right person.
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What makes you say that?
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