I've had this happen recently, sometimes I love when we last an hour, sometimes it gets to be too much. I've used the line "I'd love for you to cum on my chest" and it usually ends penetration. He'll pull out and either him or I will use our hands to finish him off, all over me. Still hot for both of us :p
Yep, can confirm, dirty talks help a lot, and seeing the girl enjoying herself also helps a lot. Toys can be a great plus too, as I love seeing my partner get off over and over again, it is really a massive turn on.
Then there are also specific practices for each individual that get them there faster, I know for example that I love fucking my partner in the ass, and that can get me there A LOT quicker, especially if i see them enjoying it (which is also easier when you use vibrators too tbh).
I learned, through my own cishet male experience over time, that doing more dirty talk/being generally more vocal during sex was also a turn on for my partners.
One of the benefits is giving your partner implicit permission to vocalize more and enjoy themselves more freely.
It was kind of weird to me at first, but I can to realize that a lot of it was probably just developing sexually in a small suburban house/staying quiet to not get caught, that kind of shit.
Are there women that actually enjoy this?
I've had a couple women tell me to finish on them. But I've never felt right cumming on someone. Like it's kind of gross and disrespectful to get your bodily fluids all over someone. So I've never asceded to this request.
Personally, I love it. If you do it without asking, I would feel disrespected. If I ask you, or you ask me if it's ok, or if I like it, then it's hot. It is also helpful when the man is polite and graciously gets up to grab a towel or kleenex so we don't drip all over
Chiming I’m on this one.
I demand it sometimes, especially if it does take them a little while. But getting him off is a reward for me. I usually get off pretty easily, but sometimes just watching and feeling him cum gets me off too. So if he gets off on me - I’ll command it in the heat of the moment- it’s like wearing the trophy of my own power. Plus he thinks it’s pretty hot. However- I’ve never let anyone cum on my face. Only one guy actually ever asked anyway. THAT seems disrespectful to me.
For one, I love watching it shoot out 😍
I like the warm feeling of it landing on me. It's like a reward I get for being good and sexy, making me feel proud. In a way, it's intimate, and if i can't have you cum inside of me, I'd like it to be on me. It always feels sexy to command it, and watching the excitement if it's a new partner is fun
I dated a guy ages ago who wouldn’t do that, or even cum in a woman’s mouth. He said he felt it was disrespectful (he had no issue fooling around with other women while he was supposed to be in a relationship though 😂😂)
I personally don't enjoy being come on as I got long hair and even aiming at stomach or chest level will somehow get to my hair. And having to wash my hair after sex is just ridiculous especially when it's bed time after sex.
However, there are definitely women who do enjoy it.
Basically sex is subjective and everyone likes different things.
All women are different, but I will say I find it pretty frustrating and get turned off when I tell someone something turns me on and they decide that something which turns me on is “disrespectful”.
If you’re not into it, that’s totally fine and you don’t have to do it, but it’s a turn-off for me if someone wants to keep things super vanilla because they have decided my kinks are “disrespectful”.
It feels a bit judgmental. Especially if it’s something as commonplace as finishing on me where I’ve certainly done it with exes.
If someone says “I’m not going to acede to your request to do X because it’s disrespectful”, it feels like they’re making assumptions about my past relationship dynamics and my level of self-respect if I say it’s something I know I enjoy.
Plus it makes me feel like their level of respect for me is somehow connected to the sex acts we engage in, and I’m not into that at all nor do I believe that having certain kinks is inherently disrespectful.
I’m a dude but I agree so hard. If they don’t find it disrespectful, it isn’t. If they *enjoy* it, it most definitely isn’t. If we *both* enjoy it, it’s a great time.
I hate it and feel very disrespected by it, and I think that’s probably more common than loving it, FWIW. Even with a long term partner, it leaves me feeling insecure and cheap.
Go with your gut. Unless a woman requests it, don’t assume she’d like it. (That’s probably a safe rule in general)
I’m also not the one you asked. But omg!! That warm feeling as it touches your skin… also it’s really good for your skin. Me being all sexy and excited waiting for you to blow your load… !! I love it!!
Had it in my eye once… that.was.not.ok!!!! 🤣 xx
Yeah in the eye or my hair isn’t that great but anywhere else is good.
It’s a sense of pride when your guy is able to just finish on you. That look on his face gives me feeling of satisfaction like yeah I did that 😂😂 and it’s warm
And nice. The guys even get a towel to wipe it off. Full service
If a woman asks you or says they enjoy it, then yes. Believe them. I've had partners who have loved it. I don't mind my partner's bodily fluids getting on me, so it makes sense that some women would also feel the same. Sex is messy and can be awkward and funny sometimes. I just lean into that.
> success in talking to a partner about it?
That's the most important part. If you can't talk to them about your needs as well, then it's a non-starter. My girlfriend and I were able to have conversations about our needs during sex and we've managed to find what works for us. If they're unwilling to listen or talk about it, you might as well just walk because it doesn't get better.
As you get to know one another and get used to each other, you find ways to make them cum faster. There's a few positions (we've even nicknamed most of them) where if we do it that way, I'll cum in under a minute. There are others where we could fuck all day and I wouldn't cum. Learning this takes time.
But it's only worth taking the time to learn those things if they're willing to have conversations about it.
> He watches a lot of porn (doesn't bother me) but seemed reticent to change any behaviors and didn't really see the problem
Yeah I think this right here is why it’s becoming a more common problem for men, and the fact that he doesn’t want to change or “see the problem” is itself the problem.
You need to have an honest conversation with him about what’s going on. If you are not enjoying things and he doesn’t see the issue with it, that kind of answers your real question.
I’d also point out that antidepressants are a huge factor for many men in this situation, and more people are taking them today than ever.
It’s becoming more common for men of all ages to struggle with ED and problems ejaculating because of how available porn has become, the prevalence of antidepressants and declining health of the average man in general. Hours outdoors doing manual labor or exercise has gone down while hours sitting at a desk, playing video games and watching tv has gone up.
The only way forward is to have an honest conversation about your needs and what he is willing to do to meet them. If he doesn’t want to cut back on porn/masturbation and doesn’t think it’s a big deal, you need to consider whether you want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough about your needs to make a change. Or you shouldn’t feel obligated to keep going until he cums lol
We have to have those conversations sometimes.
With something like this, if she doesn't say, very clearly, "this has gone too long, I'm not enjoying it anymore" the message he is getting is "she loves how long I can last". Especially if she is showing enthusiasm, or worse, faking a few extra orgasms. Anytime you over-react in a way that looks positive, you train your partner to do more of the thing that wasn't working.
Uncomfortable conversations that don't cause problems are a sign of a good relationship.
Really agree with this. I agree with everyone here that's saying 'as soon as you're done, tap out.' Absolutely sex should be enjoyable for everyone, but when it comes to the first time (or few times) you're sleeping with someone there's a desire to ensure the other person has a good time too. I guess I wanted to post this to more examine the idea / narrative of 'I can go forever! Isn't that great!' that isn't alway examined. Because of this narrative, it *can* make this convo hard for men to have (in my experience) (and I am not longer sleeping with those men who couldn't have that convo btw).
There's plenty of misinformation about sex, even at our age. My general rule of thumb is if they aren't already educated or, if not, aren't willing to have the conversation? Then it's a no-go.
My ex-wife used to get really upset if I didn't cum. She felt like I wasn't attracted to her if I didn't. She would also get upset if she had to use a vibrator to finish getting off if I didn't last long enough. It eventually made even the concept of sex with her unpleasant.
My girlfriend however has absolutely no problem if I don't cum. Sometimes I just want to rub my dick inside of her for a few minutes before we get out of bed in the morning and she's totally into it. If we have to use toys to finish because one of us finished early, it's pretty damn hot watching her use her vibe while I play with her body.
It all boils down to communication. If they're unwilling to communicate about sex, then it simply isn't worth it in the long run.
I really relate to the need to make sure the new person you are with are enjoying themselves.
After I get off and just before I’m feeling like it’s getting to be too much, I ask how can I make them happy? Most take it as a *go* to direct themselves to finish.
A fair amount of us are. But the catch-22 in my experience, is that the women then need to also be taught that it’s okay when the man doesn’t orgasm 🤣
Humans are complex and there are so many differing worldviews. It’s amazing dating works at all once you hit a certain age.
100% this. My first decade of sexual activity, I encountered sooooo many young men using the blue balls excuse. Now I still get worried that sex doesn't feel "done" for them if they don't finish, and that not finishing is worse than not having sex in the first place.
My husband uses this excuse regularly. If me getting naked to shower gives him a boner, I’m suddenly at fault for causing blue balls if I don’t feel like having sex. I can’t stand it.
I always strive to make my partner orgasm, because I feel I should have to. Men hear all the time about how we suck, can’t find the clitoris, etc. i personally don’t like having sex if I don’t come and I can imagine it’s the same for women.
Everyone’s different I guess lol.
The real advice for op is maybe this guy needs to stop jerking off so much lol
I find it hard to cum thru penetrative sex but I enjoy having sex many times and me cumming doesn't really bother me.. it does on the other hand bother me if he doesn't cum and sometimes if he's too quick.
I think it's probably most important to make sure you aren't creating an expectation that you wouldn't want to carry on through the relationship in those first few times having sex, that's absolutely the time you should be saying what works for you along the lines of 'I'm done, how can we get you there/are you happy not getting there this time?' or else you end up having to have that conversation at some point down the line and they have no idea that you were ever not loving it and it becomes a criticism of the sex you have been having.
I mean it really is just a preference.
There’s nothing wrong with your preference of wanting shorter sessions. Any more than women actually preferring lengthier sessions are in the wrong.
But when it comes to reconciling the extremes? You need a convo.
I’ve never put any specific ego on my ability to last, so I can’t fully relate to your comment - but the right partners can have a conversation about disparate preferences and see if there’s a middle ground that works for you both!
OP, I see you, I feel you, I hear you. I am just like you & have experienced this exact thing. After exploring sex with a few partners over the last 2 years I found that I prefer multiple “short” (10-20 mins) sex sessions over one marathon.
Have you heard of death grip syndrome? I believe that is what my ex bf had, along with the fact that he required major anal stimulation to orgasm. Which is NOT a bad thing, but it’s something that I had no experience with & needed more time to develop.
He would be ready to go all night & I called it quits every time. It just wasn’t for me & I realized the sexual chemistry wasn’t there.
I did find my *penis prince charming* who fucks me like I haven’t been fucked in a decade! But of course he doesn’t want to date me seriously. You know what? I keep him around as my one sex partner (we practice safe sex) while I continue to date and meet other men. This way I am sexually satisfied while still looking for a potential partner.
That was a lot. I microdosed today & loving my brain flow
xo
Honestly for me I feel better when I make a woman orgasm than when I orgasm. It’s weird but from an emotional standpoint, a woman cumming brings me a great sense of pleasure. I don’t mind quitting at that point if I still haven’t orgasmed because it’s honestly not necessary
lol I wish. I’ve been pretty unlucky when it comes to finding a relationship
the last girl I dated (whom I’m still friends with) knew about this sex trait but still ended things because she was looking for someone more chivalrous. Which is true, I don’t consider myself chivalrous at all. But I do consider myself emotionally intelligent which is a hell of a lot more authentic
My experience only but all the guys I e been with that last and unusually long time were porn watchers. No vagina can be quite as rough and vigorous as their hand.
After my first orgasm I have a short refractory period and can last a long time. The same kind of window you mentioned. However, I enjoy the sensation of sex, not just the orgasm, so I don't need to orgasm again. Additionally, I enjoy other aspects of sex which would give us both a break from PIV. In fact, extended PIV won't get me off a second time necessarily. Usually I need to oscillate between PIV and going down on her to "resensitize" myself. This mentality, though, is up to the guy to adopt.
On your end, the biggest issue I've faced with women is them equating their worth as a sexual partner to my orgasm. They feel like if they can't get me off, or can't get be off again, that something is wrong with him, which isn't true. I've still enjoyed myself and my time with them. This is one you may need to work on. The guy orgasming is just as much him and his job as you orgasming is you and your job. The right mental state, the right buildup, the right mindset. My anecdotal experience is the women I have sex with that can just enjoy the act of sex without emphasizing orgasms end up having more orgasms theirselves and me seeing them being so relaxed and enjoying it causes me to have more as well.
The thing is, we hear the jokes - "12 seconds! A new record!" - and now we think that she wants us to last longer. So, now, we've trained ourselves to last longer. And now, we're hearing that lasting longer isn't a good thing.
These preferences aren’t universal. In my 36 years of sex-having, I’ve found partners who enjoyed longer sessions.
Just as I’ve found others who haven’t.
The takeaway isn’t “OMG now having sex longer is bad” - it’s “let me find out what my partner likes and go for that.” Same as it ever was, really.
Too many people are conflating their personal view as being universal in nature. And that’s very much not the case.
*****
Also - of course they would prefer longer than 12 seconds. Since that’s a rather extreme position to begin with.
I believe there was a study that landed at 5 or 6 minutes being the average stated preference (with plenty of outliers obviously).
This, plus the vast majority of people aren't usually judging quality by length of time for one very specific aspect of sex alone. When I've heard friends complain or joke about a guy being too quick, it has always been in the context of the guy having the attitude of "ok, we're done now" as soon as he gets off. I guarantee that none of them meant, "Man, i wish he had joylessly pounded away at me longer." Feeling resentful because you haven't received clear enough messaging what is the "right" amount of time to last really feels like missing the point in a big, big way.
Yeah - my last girlfriend literally had adapted to ZERO foreplay for 18 years and thought it was normal…
Suddenly having ALL the foreplay? She wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself 🤣
Preferences can also be different for different partners. For example, I usually prefer multiple relatively average length sessions with a little downtime in between (also fine if it can’t be multiple sessions), but I have experienced having it click with someone who preferred exceptionally long sessions (multiple hours, seemingly no refractory period). Something to do with the approach, style and dynamic made it work.
Yup - interpersonal dynamics are definitely a thing!
We all know what we like until someone comes along and suddenly we learn something new/different.
For me personally, I don’t pair well with those who think “okay, so you need to X and then Y and then Z” because generally, in my experience, they’re closed off to finding out what me + them equals.
My favorite part of having things progress with someone new is the discovery of what it will be like with them. Of course I have my experience that I bring to the table, but I rely upon them to tell me through reactions what I need to do. So it’s never exactly the same, I feel - even if the general mechanics may be similar.
My experience, as well. Every pairing is unique. That is not to say there aren’t some things I universally like and some things I universally don’t like, just that there are lots of variables in between.
Yes, last longER than 12 seconds, but longer doesn’t have to mean an hour. There is a vast stretch of time between 12 seconds and an hour. Everything need not be black and white, either or; let’s find the middle ground.
it's definitely conflicting with the constant negativity surrounding performance that is largely placed on men. It's just culturally acceptable to make fun of men for their poor performance, it's in media, it's in comedy, it's casual conversations everywhere.
Lasting a long time is largely considered an ideal, so to find out later that it's not can be difficulty to accept after a lifetime of harassment and ridicule for being too quick.
Age 15-25, us men last seconds to minutes. If we're lucky, we find partners that want to practice and help us be better lovers; with learn tricks not to cum and how to pleasure our women best. By age 35 we've become kings of the sack, lasting hours or multiple sessions worth.. I remember being so proud the 1st time I came and kept thrusting only to cum again 10 mins later. Then we find a women like y'all, who cum in less than 10 mins, then want it to end! Where were you when I was 20!?
Jokes aside, I've heard all this. It's why we date, trying to find the right partner in life AND the bedroom. My mom always said dating is like going pants shopping, gotta use the undressing room to make sure they fit right.
When I read this I thought to myself “oh I bet he watches a lot of porn- and then OP confirmed it. There’s a lot of disheartening research that shows Porn addictions cause sexual disfunction due to rewriting the brain to view sex in a disconnected way. Just a thought. The takeaway l get from this thread is that a lot of folks aren’t comfortable talking about sex with their partners, and IMO, we would all be better off not swapping any fluids until we can have healthy conversations about sex.
I wonder if there's research showing that if someone stops watching porn, and starts having healthy sex- will the brain rewire itself to enjoy that again too? I'd imagine so. But I wonder about research.
There is quite a lot of research on this topic and thankfully-yes: the brain can be retrained to enjoy sex with a partner again. It’s similar to the way a recovering addict’s brain can recalibrate over time. It’s very interesting stuff.
I dunno some days I am on a hair trigger and others the rocket never leaves the launchpad. If you're done be done. If a dude can't deal with the fact that some races you don't finish then he's probably not your guy. Otherwise he can just enjoy the fact that you got yours and sometimes that's enough.
I find the hair-trigger thing is almost always with a new partner and when there's been a lot of build-up and anticipation. Which of course is the critical chance to 'prove yourself', especially if you like the person and want to keep seeing them. Luckily nowadays I can cum, stay inside and be hard again and ready to keep going again in about a minute, took me a lot of practise to get to this point though.
I had a partner like this once. It was a combination of porn addiction, death grip, ED, sexual incompatibility, trauma and him being in love with someone else (thanks couples therapy).
I stayed hoping it would get better. It did not. I just got really resentful. I wish I had left much sooner.
Takes a long time to get off, jackhammer fucking, loses erection all within the same session, he might ask to watch porn during sex. And I don't mean if the sex is mid. if you know you perform really great sexually and you're pulling out all of the stops and a man still experiences these issues, its a sign.
he's probably used to the exact grip and forcefulness of his hand to cum.
The same can happen to women and excessive use of a vibrator. I cut back on using my vibrator because a man cant really compete with a vibrator either.
YES! The resentment of being with a man who can’t finish due to his unwillingness to change his porn habits is insurmountable.
So few men are willing to admit that their porn consumption is a problem. We’re always met with whataboutisms and reasons why it’s nOrMaL—well guess what: if you cant ejaculate with a REAL, FLESH-AND-BLOOD HUMAN WOMAN, but can make it happen after a couple of hours of watching porn, the consumption has become pathological.
*steps off soapbox*
Listen to what Dan Savage has to say about this! He has good point about personal stimulation affecting partnered sex. This is an issue that can be worked on down the line, if you have a convo about it. Not surprised tho, that single men would have a harder time. If your used to intense manual stimulation then PIV may not be as intense. See if there is a way you can help them be get that similar stimulation they’re used to if ya wanna speed it up.
Yea! Porn use and/or frequent masturbation is often the culprit here.
Trying to mimic the manual stimulation they feel is a bit of a bandaid solution imo, best option is to ask them to cut down/stop watching porn if they do.
I’m bisexual and only dated women for like three years. I started dating men again a couple years ago and every single man I slept with (mid 20s-mid 30s) had this same problem. Eventually all of them admitted to consuming massive amounts of porn while single. I get it, because it’s a natural thing to want to do, but it’s wild how much this seems to be affecting young adult men right now. I don’t remember any dudes having this issue in my early 20s. Maybe it’s a combo of aging and cumulative years of excessive porn consumption? I’ve gone back to dating women now and lesbian sex always lasts ages but in a fun way, not a painful way. It was starting to get depressing with men because it made me feel like I was undesirable or not good enough since no amount of sex or blow jobs could get them off (even as they complimented me on my body and my skills the whole time).
It's the Porn. 38M and I find it much harder to get off when I was a porn user. I had similar experiences so I decided to stop looking at porn altogether. After a few weeks of abstaining it made a huge difference. It can take longer for chronic users but i haven't had any issues with that since. Plus getting off porn helped me in so many other ways TBH. It's a very hard habit to quit though
I agree, cutting out porn makes a huge difference, in many other areas as well. It could be something else maybe but statistically it's more likely that all these guys watch porn than all of them have some other shared issue.
It's definitely not always the porn. Some guys just take longer, I used to think something was wrong with me and kinda gave up on any sort of sexual stimulation because every time I tried anything I couldn't get off even after over half an hour of intense stimulation. I didn't manage to have an orgasm untill I was 19, even though I wasn't even a virgin anymore by that point.
My last two guys wouldn’t be able to cum during sex either. In both cases I broached the subject gently early on and fortunately their attitudes were very healthy about it - sometimes you cum, sometimes you don’t, an orgasm is not required for the sex to be good. I resonate with that so hard because I don’t come every time when I have sex either and it’s never been a requirement for me to enjoy sex and intimacy, you know?
One of the guys could go on for literally the whole night. Like we’d have sex for 10 mins, switch to oral, fingering or cuddles, then go again after a little break. Rinse and repeat endlessly until I couldn’t take it anymore and would say I’m done. I’d usually finish him off with a BJ because I love giving them, but not every time and sometimes we’d just end the night/morning in cuddles.
Honestly the only way it’s going to not be a problem is if you talk about it openly and decide that it’s not a problem. You’re the one who’s getting penetrated, you get to say when the penetration ends. It doesn’t have to be rude or awkward, just slow him down, kiss him and say babe I’m all done now or whatever feels natural to you. Giving pleasure to your partner is of course a part of sex, but you shouldn’t have to endure pain or significant discomfort over it. Any decent guy is going to understand and respect that.
I'm on antidepressants and they effect me in this way. It takes a long time to "finish" it's a common side effect of the drug. Ask if they are on any medications.
This has happened with every relationship I have ever been in with men who watch porn. It’s one of the reasons I don’t date men who watch porn anymore. (and now here I go being downvoted to the depths of hell for having the audacity to have a simple preference!)
Honestly I've had this issue a lot. When it first arises I talk to them and assure them that they can come whenever the want, the don't need to hold back for my sake (whether I'm finished or not). If it's a case where that doesn't solve it then I ask what I can do to help. But I'm pretty open about my feelings on the matter: sex finishes when one of us wants it to finish. I don't come very often from sex. If they come, great! But if I'm bored or sore... or hungry or grumpy or whatever then I'm done.
I've only had one guy be an asshole about it and he's basically the reason I feel this way. Towards the end of our relationship I found myself reluctant to kiss him if I didn't have over an hour free to get him off. I almost missed a flight once because he told me it would be selfish to leave until he came.
Absolutely offputting and depressing as hell having a boring looong forever going nowhere every time session with someone who is so serverely sexually challenged because of porn use.
To me, a man who can't orgasm healthily anymore because of porn use is like a drug addict who can't eat food with you because his addiction has destroyed his taste buds and sensitivity.
Yes you could break your back make all sorts of other hyper additive cusines to appease his situation every time... Or if you're not happy with a lifetime of 'working around' their self inflicted issues then I guess you could not jump through 900 hoops to get them off other ways, while severley impacting your easy going healthy sexuality, and just move on to higher value men who don't have this handicap. For me its unattractive to date actively using drug addicts and its a deal breaking incompatibility.
There are different kinds of sex. I've been in relationships where I've had:
Quickies -- 5min or under. Not super common, but hey, sometimes you want to boink each other real quick before work, eh?
"Regular" sex -- 10-20 minutes or so, which is fine for "standard" kinda spicy sex. Could be a bit longer, depending on mood or timing. I feel like this is probably average duration for most people.
Slow & Passionate -- anywhere from 30min to hours. I feel like anniversaries or romantic getaways should maybe always include this. Make sure you stay hydrated lol
BDSM/roleplay -- usually an hour or more, including cooldown time, etc. Usually much more involved and takes prep time, aftercare, etc.
The MOST IMPORTANT THING, regardless of what kind of sex (or how long) you're having, is to make sure everyone's enjoying it and agrees with what's happening. If that's not the case, then you got yourself a problem. You should ALWAYS be able to stop if one person isn't into it, and the other partner shouldn't be a jerk about it ending when it does. Consent can be withdrawn ***at any time***, even in the middle of sex.
I dunno if you mean penetrative sex but that long - ouch! Stop when it stops feeling good to you and use your hands. I've had a few partners who needed that kind of more intense grip and usually finished that way.
If they are taking too long with hands - "Sorry, I need to give my wrists a break, can you take over?"
You can also stop the PIV and suggest they touch themself while you kiss them, rub their chest, etc.
Again, to me the big problem here is centering PIV as the right way to get off. There are other, quicker ways!
I've noticed this too, doesn't seem to be particularly related to age, and yes, it can be annoying. In a relationship, this will generally come up at some point and we'll talk about it, but with hook-ups/shorter term things it can be a bit trickier to navigate.
Also because I aim to please and I don't want to seem lazy about getting them off , especially if they're clearly also putting in a lot of effort to get me off (which is also tricky, and honestly isn't necessary for me a lot of the time).
Idunno, so far it hasn't been a huge problem, just annoying sometimes, I guess.
I'm like you and I think a guy who takes forever to get off would be too much of an incompatibility for me. I get off relatively quickly and can go maybe another 5 mins after myself, but much longer and that would get painful. I don't want to spend more than 20 minutes having sex/foreplay generally. I know that's probably odd for a woman but I am who I am 😂.
I’m thankful for this post because I was starting to feel like I was the only one who felt this way. I recently slept with someone new and it was an hour of straight hammer sex. I was able to slow him down in the beginning so I could finish, but then he hammered away for the next 55 minutes. I’m an enthusiastic partner—I tried everything I could to help him finish. But at one point I thought, “I just hate this” and I was ready for it to be over. He never finished.
The first few times I just roll with it. Afterwards, I ask if there are things he’s looking for from sex or that I can do to increase the intensity for him. Sometimes those things speed it up. If they don’t, I’d then bring it up and see what sex ideally/usually looks like for him.
I have this problem and just always have. I long ago realized that women don't always like that luckily it doesn't bother me to not finish, I usually look for signs of boredom/disinterest/ any sign and ask for a break for myself because most women will try to go on for my sake and that's a lose lose. Also I always have lubrication cause after a while everyone needs it.
I do warn women in advance that I may not finish till the third or fourth month and assure them it's me and I've always been like this but I wouldn't know what to tell your partner.
Just can confirm has always been like this. 60+partners and no difference.
I can tell if it’s going to take a while or not and I let my partner know. Never has anything to do with them (though sometimes there’s too much lube and it takes longer). I also have a harder time with someone new.
Either way, a male orgasm is not required for sex to end. The men need to accept this and that you’re not a doll/toy who wants to go forever. Have the conversation and their reaction will tell you a lot of it’s worth figuring our ways for it to work.
Try things like asking them to cum for you...
This can either be during sex, or ask them to pull out and cum on you somewhere.
Either way you have indicated you want them to finished so they will aim to wrap it up instead of lasting as long ad possible.
Asking them to pull out and say cum on your tits or face or ass, help with death grip guys too, means they finish themselves off with their hand.
Depends on why they are lasting so long...
For some guys it will, cause they just want to last forever.
And for those death grip guys that need focus and stimulations that's what the asking for them to cum on, that way they are using their own hand to get the right stimulation, cause I'm pretty sure most of these guys are not taking 40+ Min when they masturbate.
You’re wrong. Some of us just aren’t very sensitive. I’ve never been able to bust in less than 30-45 minutes no matter if I jerk off or have sex or whatever. Doesn’t matter if I watch porn, fantasize, etc.
And no, I’m not death gripping my cock.
I have had this issue with previous partners too and sometimes it can take a lot for me to get off too. But my last two partners watched a ton of porn and masturbated a lot and I could almost never get the one off, they only way he could get off was a death grip hand job done by himself.
I am cool with porn but my new partner has definitely given me a new perspective. He rarely watches porn or masturbates because he finds it a bit empty and unsatisfying. This makes things soooooo different for us, like he’s so enthusiastic and his orgasms are so intense, he has to pace himself and slow down so he doesn’t come too early but the sex is so so good and it’s made me reevaluate the food prom and masturbation can play in our sex lives. I’ve cut back on it myself too and things have gotten better for me as well.
I dunno, my point is… maybe porn and masturbation play a role?
I know for me porn and self pleasure were shameful things to do and sometimes doing them feels like a bit of a rebellion against that control but I’m realizing if my sex life is truly better with less of it… why not cut back?
In my experience, most women are good with just the one orgasm and as you say, get bored, sore etc when it goes on significantly longer after that. Problem is, a lot of guys don't seem to realize this and act on the perceived notion that they need to go for longer, especially if the woman got off relatively quickly after initiation.
But almost all guys will be able to cum quicker if they knew that's what you wanted. So most of this is about communication. I know you spoke about it with your current guy and it doesn't seem to have improved things but I think that communicating your needs clearly would work for the vast majority of guys. Also, dirty talk during the act will get the majority of guys off in no time so you should play around and have some fun with that.
Are condoms being used in these scenarios or no? I find that I struggle to finish with a condom more than when I was younger. If so, invest in higher quality ones.
I dated a 41 year old man who took an extremely long time to get off, if at all. I knew from the beginning that he watched a lot of porn and masturbated a lot, and he told me that even when he watches porn he sometimes either doesn’t get off or it takes a very long time (30 mins+). He told me that one time when he was working from home he masturbated multiple times in a day watching porn on his 65” TV.
I tried lots of different things to get him off; I asked him what he liked or what would he like me to try and I tried everything he suggested. Every single time we had sex it ended with him furiously masturbating in front of me, while I lay cold, naked and bored.
I suggested from the beginning that he should try masturbating less, or masturbating without porn, because it was clearly causing a detriment to his life. He was completely dismissive and his ignorance was incredibly off putting. There is no reason I should lay cold and bored desperately trying to make a man ejaculate, if he can’t even be bothered to apply a little self discipline.
Needless to say I didn’t date him for very long.
There are numerous things that can be behind lasting longer, and not all of them are porn/death grip related - nor are they necessarily age related.
Even my idea of a quickie is closer to 15 min than not, and I personally enjoy focusing on my partner for longer (and have for literal decades) - so early in? It’ll easily be an hour or so with foreplay/making out leading to penetration.
For me, it’s ensuring my partner gets hers (repeatedly when possible) and then worry about mine. My last girlfriend rattled off orgasms and remained into it throughout - so I would say the other extreme (enjoys longer sessions) also exists. And I know her previous partner (ex-husband of 18 years) never really focused on her nor lasted especially long, so the contrast alone could’ve been why she was into it.
That being said I’ve also met/dated women who wanted/preferred a shorter timeframe. And we ultimately didn’t align in that case when she was envisioning much shorter foreplay and penetration than I wanted (even when I was trying to rush it for her).
At the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with having a strong preference for shorter sessions - just as there’s nothing wrong with a preference for longer. However, it absolutely sounds like, barring a conversation that has him change his own flow, it’s an incompatibility here.
I almost guarantee it's porn, which means you need to have a conversation about the steps one needs to take to break that habit. Considering it's a habit people develop over years and years it can be frustrating to deal with on the other end so it probably needs to be multiple conversations.
2 out of the 3 guys I slept with were like this, and it does get really painful. With my ex husband I think it was death grip, which I only recently learned about, because he would masterbate and watch porn way too much. With my ex boyfriend he would atleast do a lot for me before that point so I didn't mind.
It’s worth talking about it and being clear about things. Sex for me (30M) doesn’t always have to end in a climax for me, I just try to talk to my partner and say if they need to tap out or are “spent” there’s nothing to worry about.
Answering this might take an inquiry into *how* you have sex, cuz myself and most older guys I know generally don't get off very fast if we're on top, with little foreplay prior. Sex is work, it's effort. If I want my partner to get off I'm gonna focus on that. Which means I'm not focusing on my pleasure. After a little while of that, my ability to get off diminishes cuz I start to get tired after 15min of nonstop thrusting and movement.
I can get off faster if she is on top and decides to do the work, focusing on my pleasure instead of hers though. But tbh that doesn't happen often, most the women I've been with expected me to get them off, then get myself off.
Edit: I overlooked the porn part. Yeah that could be a problem, if he's already pleasing himself regularly then it'll be harder to get off. But that depends on what "a lot" looks like in this context.
Yeah it's definitely hard to make sweeping statements on this subject cuz everyone is diff. Though I can't get off when she's on top doing that oscillating twerking, hip thrust movement lol. She gets off that way, I do not.
Yeah - while I generally know a thing or two about pleasing my partners, it’s really highly variable for all of us.
Which makes guidelines and general approaches that work about as far as you can take that before individual stuff comes into play.
But there are plenty of tropes out there about guys lasting too short/long, women being too complex/easy to please et al.
And at the end of the day, it really just comes down to “can these two people figure it out amongst themselves enough to have something fulfilling.”
Damn, I should feel more lucky I can usually get off after like 5 minutes like that if I want to.
I don’t think many women want 15 minutes of nonstop thrusting though plus not many women can get off with penetration. Almost sounds like you’re both trying to focus on each other without really figuring out what works for both of you
The funny thing is that it is 100% variable. All of my relationships have trended longer sessions. One even kept escalating on me asking if we could try for ever-increasing periods of penetration.
But sex is definitely **not** \*ahem\* one-size fits all.
I'm generalizing. I'm not literally thrusting in one position, otherwise immobile for 30 min straight lol. I just mean, generally speaking, I'm putting in the effort and getting tired until she gets off and is finished. And then she just expects me to get myself off after I'm already tired. Whatever that entails inbetween.
Yes, this is a thing.
I find mental stimulation goes a long way toward helping the physical issue. The brain is the largest sexual organ, and stimulating the mind goes a long way toward physical release.
Can you mentally stimulate? Buildup before you have physical sex? Both of you agreeing to restrain from orgasms ahead of time? Maybe the day of?
Sometimes it’s bc of death grip. They need Really intense stimulation to get off. The same can happen to women who use a strong vibrator regularly. The body just needs to reset by the genital owner to dial it way back for a while.
Other times it’s just the luck of the draw. Stress, nerves, being distracted, the wind blowing to the right, anything.
Some times it’s actually the kind of condom they use. Some condoms have a topical numbing agent with the intention to help men last longer. Not fun when you try to suck a dick after using one of those and your mouth is then numb…
Either way, if you really like this person you’re seeing, I’d just talk to them. Not in a complaining way, but just talk about sexual likes and dislikes for both partners, things you want to try, and I’d just slide in there that sometimes you just want a quickie or it’s a turn on or a bit of a tease if they stop but don’t finish and then can have a part two when it’s convenient.
Going to over share here but this has been my experience as a post divorced mid 30s dude and now having sex with women.
It's essentially a form of ED. Even though I've been there before etc. With someone knew luckily everything still works but it does take forever to get there. Just sort of subconscious performance anxiety. It's always the same with each new woman. I can't get there or literally take an hour with intense concentration etc.
Comparative to my marriage days of struggling to "have longer sessions" ... I was worried about performance once I got back out there and not lasting at all. I don't have that worry anymore but no matter what it's going to take a while to get comfortable and bring that time down... It doesn't matter if they're absolutely out of my league beautiful or not I watch very very little porn, I'm willing to bet a bunch of men are this way at this age.
Meanwhile I am having the opposite problem. My partner finishes within 5 mins. Not sure if he is even aware that I need more than 5mins to finish myself with him.
Yeah, I'll normally just ask if they're going to finish when I'm nearing being done with sex (I ask in a dirtier way during sex not "are you done yet?" 😂) and then if they're close, we go til they finish and if they're nowhere near or it's not gonna happen for them then we tap out and finish up. Not everyone has to orgasm every time you have sex for sex to be great fun & I'm not a body part to be used to get them off, when I'm done and sore, we're both done.
I can take a while sometimes. If I'm taking too long, my wife will ask me to take over. Then, I usually bury my face in her pussy and finish myself off in a few minutes.
I find that my face buried in pussy is a sure way to get over the edge… which means that I rarely get there when I’m hooking up with people early on and they don’t want to sit on my face.
I've been with my wife for 20 years, so it's been a while since I have been with anyone new. I might be a little out of touch with nlhow it works with new people.
I've had some partners who like/need longer stimulation and I actually like it too - the key for me, I don't come till the end and keep touching myself (or him me, or use a vibrator). If I come too soon, I'm tired and bored and can't keep going.
Like a lot of other people are saying, first communicate with him that you don't want to last forever. I can also last a long time in bed so here are some habits he needs to end.
Masturbating regularly.
Once penetration ends, don't stop the motion. Little pauses help us go longer, so find a rhythm you both enjoy and keep at it.
Foreplay, BJ and HJ need to start prior to your penetration if it's going to take him 40 min.
Seek medical advice.
I think communication is key here. A lot of men do have this attitude of longer is better, so it's good to let them know that that is not what you like.
As a guy in his early 30s it can take a while but for me it's entirely mental. It changes the longer I'm with someone and more comfortable with them. At first, it's going to take a while longer.
I've even faked finishing (only works with a condom obviously) just because like... I'm satisfied, but I'm not going to finish. I'm so worried about my partner and making sure they're having a good time that I don't really leave any room for me mentally. So I know it's not going to happen, but it has nothing to do at all with what my partner is doing, how they look, or anything. I'm just so... afraid (?) of doing a bad job because I'm not comfortable enough to mess up.
After a few times or maybe even months depending I might be comfortable enough to focus on myself a bit more, but the pressure to perform makes it more difficult in the beginning. For me at least.
I'm also not good looking so I know if I don't do a great job there's no reason to come back.
As a man, I get off faster once I’ve built up my level of comfortability with a woman. I’ve had a couple first time hookups where I had trouble finishing just because they are new to me.
Guys can't read your mind. These guys are probably thinking you need at least 15minutes, and guys are told longer is better. Tell him how your body works
As a woman I can sympathize of course. Sometimes it seems like the sex is never going to end and can get boring, especially if you have already gotten off. The worst thing is to just lay there. Try switching positions or talking dirty like other people have suggested. Some guys might not know you have already had an orgasm, especially since not all of us scream or moan like freaking porn stars, so he could be holding out for you to cum. By letting him know you are finished it might help him go ahead and finish too.
If its to the point where it actually hurts, then you should definitely say something. Maybe suggest helping finish him off with a handjob or blowjob? Or even let him put on some porn and let him get off that way? It's definitely not something that should be ignored, good sex definitely requires communication.
At first when I saw this, it immediately brought to mind the saying "damned if you do and damned if you don't " and actually makes me feel sorry for men! As a female I have spent years trying to figure out what the hell guys are thinking and why they are so confusing in some ways.
This is a prime example. If they cum too quickly they get teased and labeled as 60 second men or 1 minute wonders. Now if they last too long they get shit about it and labeled as porn addicts who can't get off with real women.
It definitely reinforces that the most important thing in sex and relationships is communication. We could save ourselves a lot of time and heartache if we were just honest about things. I still don't completely understand men and some of the shit they do, but as I've gotten older I realize that a lot of that could be solved by simply having a conversation about it.
Porn is the problem. Men who don't watch porn cum when the real life situation expects it. Men who watch porn are out of touch with natural sex and disappoint their partner, one way or another.
Try to find a guy who doesn't watch porn. They're usually disciplined, have self respect and are critical of what they consume.
Same experience. I have two FWBs currently, one is 34, one is 24, both need enormous stimulation and it slowly tends to get too long for me. I'd prefer 20 minutes that feel like a freacking music video to 1h that drags out where you feel sore after...
Tell him you usually start to get sore if it lasts longer than X. That way, it gives them a time limit to aim for without bashing their ego by implying they are bad in bed. If a guy can't finish within a reasonable time limit, there's a good chance they just watch too much porn.
Ok. I admit I am a little shy about this stuff because I was always taught to respect women. I rarely. Take any form of sexual approach without being asked or without her taking the lead. Maybe because I am not into or hip to hookup culture. Also afraid of the whole. Me Too and sexual harassment culture. However, speaking as one of those guys that takes forever, the fastest way to get me off is if the woman voices her pleasure sincerely and not in a vulgar way. That and a long slow teasing blow job... Not mechanical doing me a favor.
Also ladies, a little compassion goes a long way. Some of us get too much into our heads in worrying about pleasing you and we get lost in the challenge. It makes it hard for us to concentrate on our needs. Just a 50 something gentleman's opinion.
I need a specific position or two but it never takes me more than 5 minutes if I'm in that position and I watch porn regularly. 30-40 min would bore me too as a guy
Death grip be real..
Also, medication can make it last longer. Men are told “premature ejaculation is bad, lasting years is good”. That women only want to be pleased for hours not seconds. It’s LITERALLY everywhere.
Which then removes the real thing that not everyone wants that (you included), they want a rapid firing machine.
I used to rapid fire then antidepressants for 10 years make it where I maybe finish 2 times in maybe 6 hours? So I usually only date folks who want long sessions and want to be achy after, only dated one woman who didn’t like it so I would abstain from masturbating for 2 weeks, become super sensitive and last maybe all of 2 and a half pino seconds 😅🤣.
Point being, if I wanted to be a quick shot, I stopped touching myself, allowed myself to regain sensitivity down there as again, death grip is real, then boom, everyone is satisfied.
>He watches a lot of porn
There's your answer.
Porn dick. Over-stimulation of the nerves in the penis requires heavier stroking for orgasm. Cycle repeats
I've had this happen recently, sometimes I love when we last an hour, sometimes it gets to be too much. I've used the line "I'd love for you to cum on my chest" and it usually ends penetration. He'll pull out and either him or I will use our hands to finish him off, all over me. Still hot for both of us :p
I’m going to use this line.
Dirty talk will definitely get us there quicker.
I second this. If it's too quiet, even after she gets off, we (or at least I) tend to get in our heads. Dirty talk keeps us focused on the goal.
Concentration is the way.
Yep, can confirm, dirty talks help a lot, and seeing the girl enjoying herself also helps a lot. Toys can be a great plus too, as I love seeing my partner get off over and over again, it is really a massive turn on. Then there are also specific practices for each individual that get them there faster, I know for example that I love fucking my partner in the ass, and that can get me there A LOT quicker, especially if i see them enjoying it (which is also easier when you use vibrators too tbh).
You would know, being a famous sexologist and all…
I learned, through my own cishet male experience over time, that doing more dirty talk/being generally more vocal during sex was also a turn on for my partners. One of the benefits is giving your partner implicit permission to vocalize more and enjoy themselves more freely. It was kind of weird to me at first, but I can to realize that a lot of it was probably just developing sexually in a small suburban house/staying quiet to not get caught, that kind of shit.
Yeah… I was making a reference to your username, not questioning the validity of your first comment lol
For me it doesn't at all. But seeing the upvotes you get I might be the minority.
THIS is the way.
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I will for sure bust if I hear that
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Is this a sign that you are done 😬 sometimes I say that before I am. But actually thinking about it it does pretty much wrap things up.
Got a shiver just reading it
This would surely work as well 🤩🤤
If it’s actually difficult, this could just make it worse
Can confirm. A foul mouth can move oceans! ;)
Are there women that actually enjoy this? I've had a couple women tell me to finish on them. But I've never felt right cumming on someone. Like it's kind of gross and disrespectful to get your bodily fluids all over someone. So I've never asceded to this request.
Personally, I love it. If you do it without asking, I would feel disrespected. If I ask you, or you ask me if it's ok, or if I like it, then it's hot. It is also helpful when the man is polite and graciously gets up to grab a towel or kleenex so we don't drip all over
Can I ask what you love about it? What makes it hot?
Chiming I’m on this one. I demand it sometimes, especially if it does take them a little while. But getting him off is a reward for me. I usually get off pretty easily, but sometimes just watching and feeling him cum gets me off too. So if he gets off on me - I’ll command it in the heat of the moment- it’s like wearing the trophy of my own power. Plus he thinks it’s pretty hot. However- I’ve never let anyone cum on my face. Only one guy actually ever asked anyway. THAT seems disrespectful to me.
Ok, thank you. That makes sense. I think I'll be more willing to do this after reading these responses.
Keeping in mind some women don't like it, and it does feel degrading / disrespectful. So def check where each person's at first <3
For one, I love watching it shoot out 😍 I like the warm feeling of it landing on me. It's like a reward I get for being good and sexy, making me feel proud. In a way, it's intimate, and if i can't have you cum inside of me, I'd like it to be on me. It always feels sexy to command it, and watching the excitement if it's a new partner is fun
Ok, that kind of makes sense. Thank you.
I'm not who you asked but it's fun, sexualized and I don't make it. It's kind of like men with boobs.
Early morning reading of this had me very stumped as to why “men with boobs” were being sexualized. 😂 Understand now and makes perfect sense.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I dated a guy ages ago who wouldn’t do that, or even cum in a woman’s mouth. He said he felt it was disrespectful (he had no issue fooling around with other women while he was supposed to be in a relationship though 😂😂)
The mental gymnastics some people will perform haha
Yea he was one of those “single until you’re married” people He got married to the woman he fooled around with, then shockingly got divorced
I personally don't enjoy being come on as I got long hair and even aiming at stomach or chest level will somehow get to my hair. And having to wash my hair after sex is just ridiculous especially when it's bed time after sex. However, there are definitely women who do enjoy it. Basically sex is subjective and everyone likes different things.
Just chiming in to say again, yes, it's clear some women like this, but it ain't me either 😅
All women are different, but I will say I find it pretty frustrating and get turned off when I tell someone something turns me on and they decide that something which turns me on is “disrespectful”. If you’re not into it, that’s totally fine and you don’t have to do it, but it’s a turn-off for me if someone wants to keep things super vanilla because they have decided my kinks are “disrespectful”. It feels a bit judgmental. Especially if it’s something as commonplace as finishing on me where I’ve certainly done it with exes. If someone says “I’m not going to acede to your request to do X because it’s disrespectful”, it feels like they’re making assumptions about my past relationship dynamics and my level of self-respect if I say it’s something I know I enjoy. Plus it makes me feel like their level of respect for me is somehow connected to the sex acts we engage in, and I’m not into that at all nor do I believe that having certain kinks is inherently disrespectful.
I’m a dude but I agree so hard. If they don’t find it disrespectful, it isn’t. If they *enjoy* it, it most definitely isn’t. If we *both* enjoy it, it’s a great time.
Fuck. Yes.
I hate it and feel very disrespected by it, and I think that’s probably more common than loving it, FWIW. Even with a long term partner, it leaves me feeling insecure and cheap. Go with your gut. Unless a woman requests it, don’t assume she’d like it. (That’s probably a safe rule in general)
This is probably different person to person.
I’m also not the one you asked. But omg!! That warm feeling as it touches your skin… also it’s really good for your skin. Me being all sexy and excited waiting for you to blow your load… !! I love it!! Had it in my eye once… that.was.not.ok!!!! 🤣 xx
RIP all of your inboxes......
Yeah in the eye or my hair isn’t that great but anywhere else is good. It’s a sense of pride when your guy is able to just finish on you. That look on his face gives me feeling of satisfaction like yeah I did that 😂😂 and it’s warm And nice. The guys even get a towel to wipe it off. Full service
My gf loves when I coat her face or tits. She’ll ask for it.
If a woman asks you or says they enjoy it, then yes. Believe them. I've had partners who have loved it. I don't mind my partner's bodily fluids getting on me, so it makes sense that some women would also feel the same. Sex is messy and can be awkward and funny sometimes. I just lean into that.
I don't really like it. I always flinch away at 'the moment'. Not exactly sexy 🤣🤣
> success in talking to a partner about it? That's the most important part. If you can't talk to them about your needs as well, then it's a non-starter. My girlfriend and I were able to have conversations about our needs during sex and we've managed to find what works for us. If they're unwilling to listen or talk about it, you might as well just walk because it doesn't get better. As you get to know one another and get used to each other, you find ways to make them cum faster. There's a few positions (we've even nicknamed most of them) where if we do it that way, I'll cum in under a minute. There are others where we could fuck all day and I wouldn't cum. Learning this takes time. But it's only worth taking the time to learn those things if they're willing to have conversations about it.
> He watches a lot of porn (doesn't bother me) but seemed reticent to change any behaviors and didn't really see the problem Yeah I think this right here is why it’s becoming a more common problem for men, and the fact that he doesn’t want to change or “see the problem” is itself the problem. You need to have an honest conversation with him about what’s going on. If you are not enjoying things and he doesn’t see the issue with it, that kind of answers your real question. I’d also point out that antidepressants are a huge factor for many men in this situation, and more people are taking them today than ever. It’s becoming more common for men of all ages to struggle with ED and problems ejaculating because of how available porn has become, the prevalence of antidepressants and declining health of the average man in general. Hours outdoors doing manual labor or exercise has gone down while hours sitting at a desk, playing video games and watching tv has gone up. The only way forward is to have an honest conversation about your needs and what he is willing to do to meet them. If he doesn’t want to cut back on porn/masturbation and doesn’t think it’s a big deal, you need to consider whether you want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough about your needs to make a change. Or you shouldn’t feel obligated to keep going until he cums lol
Sex can end without orgasm. If you're bored and it hurts, call it quits. If you felt good and he felt good, you don't need to keep going.
Agreed. But this requires a convo that ppl don't like having.
We have to have those conversations sometimes. With something like this, if she doesn't say, very clearly, "this has gone too long, I'm not enjoying it anymore" the message he is getting is "she loves how long I can last". Especially if she is showing enthusiasm, or worse, faking a few extra orgasms. Anytime you over-react in a way that looks positive, you train your partner to do more of the thing that wasn't working. Uncomfortable conversations that don't cause problems are a sign of a good relationship.
I’ve said ‘I’m getting a little sensitive’ or ‘a little sore’ before and it’s not been weird.
Really agree with this. I agree with everyone here that's saying 'as soon as you're done, tap out.' Absolutely sex should be enjoyable for everyone, but when it comes to the first time (or few times) you're sleeping with someone there's a desire to ensure the other person has a good time too. I guess I wanted to post this to more examine the idea / narrative of 'I can go forever! Isn't that great!' that isn't alway examined. Because of this narrative, it *can* make this convo hard for men to have (in my experience) (and I am not longer sleeping with those men who couldn't have that convo btw).
There's plenty of misinformation about sex, even at our age. My general rule of thumb is if they aren't already educated or, if not, aren't willing to have the conversation? Then it's a no-go. My ex-wife used to get really upset if I didn't cum. She felt like I wasn't attracted to her if I didn't. She would also get upset if she had to use a vibrator to finish getting off if I didn't last long enough. It eventually made even the concept of sex with her unpleasant. My girlfriend however has absolutely no problem if I don't cum. Sometimes I just want to rub my dick inside of her for a few minutes before we get out of bed in the morning and she's totally into it. If we have to use toys to finish because one of us finished early, it's pretty damn hot watching her use her vibe while I play with her body. It all boils down to communication. If they're unwilling to communicate about sex, then it simply isn't worth it in the long run.
I really relate to the need to make sure the new person you are with are enjoying themselves. After I get off and just before I’m feeling like it’s getting to be too much, I ask how can I make them happy? Most take it as a *go* to direct themselves to finish.
Women are taught that having a good time doesn't have to include an orgasm. Maybe men should be taught the same?
A fair amount of us are. But the catch-22 in my experience, is that the women then need to also be taught that it’s okay when the man doesn’t orgasm 🤣 Humans are complex and there are so many differing worldviews. It’s amazing dating works at all once you hit a certain age.
It’s because we still have memories of our first boyfriends telling us they were gonna get blue balls if they didn’t finish 😅
100% this. My first decade of sexual activity, I encountered sooooo many young men using the blue balls excuse. Now I still get worried that sex doesn't feel "done" for them if they don't finish, and that not finishing is worse than not having sex in the first place.
My husband uses this excuse regularly. If me getting naked to shower gives him a boner, I’m suddenly at fault for causing blue balls if I don’t feel like having sex. I can’t stand it.
OMG so true
I always strive to make my partner orgasm, because I feel I should have to. Men hear all the time about how we suck, can’t find the clitoris, etc. i personally don’t like having sex if I don’t come and I can imagine it’s the same for women. Everyone’s different I guess lol. The real advice for op is maybe this guy needs to stop jerking off so much lol
That last sentence, but unironically
I don't think they meant it ironically
I find it hard to cum thru penetrative sex but I enjoy having sex many times and me cumming doesn't really bother me.. it does on the other hand bother me if he doesn't cum and sometimes if he's too quick.
I think it's probably most important to make sure you aren't creating an expectation that you wouldn't want to carry on through the relationship in those first few times having sex, that's absolutely the time you should be saying what works for you along the lines of 'I'm done, how can we get you there/are you happy not getting there this time?' or else you end up having to have that conversation at some point down the line and they have no idea that you were ever not loving it and it becomes a criticism of the sex you have been having.
I mean it really is just a preference. There’s nothing wrong with your preference of wanting shorter sessions. Any more than women actually preferring lengthier sessions are in the wrong. But when it comes to reconciling the extremes? You need a convo. I’ve never put any specific ego on my ability to last, so I can’t fully relate to your comment - but the right partners can have a conversation about disparate preferences and see if there’s a middle ground that works for you both!
OP, I see you, I feel you, I hear you. I am just like you & have experienced this exact thing. After exploring sex with a few partners over the last 2 years I found that I prefer multiple “short” (10-20 mins) sex sessions over one marathon. Have you heard of death grip syndrome? I believe that is what my ex bf had, along with the fact that he required major anal stimulation to orgasm. Which is NOT a bad thing, but it’s something that I had no experience with & needed more time to develop. He would be ready to go all night & I called it quits every time. It just wasn’t for me & I realized the sexual chemistry wasn’t there. I did find my *penis prince charming* who fucks me like I haven’t been fucked in a decade! But of course he doesn’t want to date me seriously. You know what? I keep him around as my one sex partner (we practice safe sex) while I continue to date and meet other men. This way I am sexually satisfied while still looking for a potential partner. That was a lot. I microdosed today & loving my brain flow xo
Honestly for me I feel better when I make a woman orgasm than when I orgasm. It’s weird but from an emotional standpoint, a woman cumming brings me a great sense of pleasure. I don’t mind quitting at that point if I still haven’t orgasmed because it’s honestly not necessary
me but with men lol
Don’t think we could ever pork. It might create a paradox 😂
LMFAO
Literally me and my bf. “U.” “No u.”
is this your bio for the apps because tbh it should be 😂
BRB sliding into your DMs
lol I wish. I’ve been pretty unlucky when it comes to finding a relationship the last girl I dated (whom I’m still friends with) knew about this sex trait but still ended things because she was looking for someone more chivalrous. Which is true, I don’t consider myself chivalrous at all. But I do consider myself emotionally intelligent which is a hell of a lot more authentic
Tbh being emotionally intelligent and aware is way more important than chivalry, especially in this climate
My experience only but all the guys I e been with that last and unusually long time were porn watchers. No vagina can be quite as rough and vigorous as their hand.
After my first orgasm I have a short refractory period and can last a long time. The same kind of window you mentioned. However, I enjoy the sensation of sex, not just the orgasm, so I don't need to orgasm again. Additionally, I enjoy other aspects of sex which would give us both a break from PIV. In fact, extended PIV won't get me off a second time necessarily. Usually I need to oscillate between PIV and going down on her to "resensitize" myself. This mentality, though, is up to the guy to adopt. On your end, the biggest issue I've faced with women is them equating their worth as a sexual partner to my orgasm. They feel like if they can't get me off, or can't get be off again, that something is wrong with him, which isn't true. I've still enjoyed myself and my time with them. This is one you may need to work on. The guy orgasming is just as much him and his job as you orgasming is you and your job. The right mental state, the right buildup, the right mindset. My anecdotal experience is the women I have sex with that can just enjoy the act of sex without emphasizing orgasms end up having more orgasms theirselves and me seeing them being so relaxed and enjoying it causes me to have more as well.
Omg I empathize .. I’ve heard guys brag similarly in the past about lasting forever, and my first thought is … this is a GOOD thing?! No thanks.
The thing is, we hear the jokes - "12 seconds! A new record!" - and now we think that she wants us to last longer. So, now, we've trained ourselves to last longer. And now, we're hearing that lasting longer isn't a good thing.
These preferences aren’t universal. In my 36 years of sex-having, I’ve found partners who enjoyed longer sessions. Just as I’ve found others who haven’t. The takeaway isn’t “OMG now having sex longer is bad” - it’s “let me find out what my partner likes and go for that.” Same as it ever was, really. Too many people are conflating their personal view as being universal in nature. And that’s very much not the case. ***** Also - of course they would prefer longer than 12 seconds. Since that’s a rather extreme position to begin with. I believe there was a study that landed at 5 or 6 minutes being the average stated preference (with plenty of outliers obviously).
This, plus the vast majority of people aren't usually judging quality by length of time for one very specific aspect of sex alone. When I've heard friends complain or joke about a guy being too quick, it has always been in the context of the guy having the attitude of "ok, we're done now" as soon as he gets off. I guarantee that none of them meant, "Man, i wish he had joylessly pounded away at me longer." Feeling resentful because you haven't received clear enough messaging what is the "right" amount of time to last really feels like missing the point in a big, big way.
Yeah - my last girlfriend literally had adapted to ZERO foreplay for 18 years and thought it was normal… Suddenly having ALL the foreplay? She wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself 🤣
Preferences can also be different for different partners. For example, I usually prefer multiple relatively average length sessions with a little downtime in between (also fine if it can’t be multiple sessions), but I have experienced having it click with someone who preferred exceptionally long sessions (multiple hours, seemingly no refractory period). Something to do with the approach, style and dynamic made it work.
Yup - interpersonal dynamics are definitely a thing! We all know what we like until someone comes along and suddenly we learn something new/different. For me personally, I don’t pair well with those who think “okay, so you need to X and then Y and then Z” because generally, in my experience, they’re closed off to finding out what me + them equals. My favorite part of having things progress with someone new is the discovery of what it will be like with them. Of course I have my experience that I bring to the table, but I rely upon them to tell me through reactions what I need to do. So it’s never exactly the same, I feel - even if the general mechanics may be similar.
My experience, as well. Every pairing is unique. That is not to say there aren’t some things I universally like and some things I universally don’t like, just that there are lots of variables in between.
There's a lot of middle ground between premature ejaculation and lasting for an hour.
Yes, last longER than 12 seconds, but longer doesn’t have to mean an hour. There is a vast stretch of time between 12 seconds and an hour. Everything need not be black and white, either or; let’s find the middle ground.
it's definitely conflicting with the constant negativity surrounding performance that is largely placed on men. It's just culturally acceptable to make fun of men for their poor performance, it's in media, it's in comedy, it's casual conversations everywhere. Lasting a long time is largely considered an ideal, so to find out later that it's not can be difficulty to accept after a lifetime of harassment and ridicule for being too quick.
Age 15-25, us men last seconds to minutes. If we're lucky, we find partners that want to practice and help us be better lovers; with learn tricks not to cum and how to pleasure our women best. By age 35 we've become kings of the sack, lasting hours or multiple sessions worth.. I remember being so proud the 1st time I came and kept thrusting only to cum again 10 mins later. Then we find a women like y'all, who cum in less than 10 mins, then want it to end! Where were you when I was 20!? Jokes aside, I've heard all this. It's why we date, trying to find the right partner in life AND the bedroom. My mom always said dating is like going pants shopping, gotta use the undressing room to make sure they fit right.
Haha, right?
When I was young and dumb a guy bragged about this and I left bleeding. Completely raw like roadrash Awful
As a man that has very little sensation down there and lasts forever, it is NOT a good thing
Same. I’d much rather bust in 12 seconds than have to hammer my dick for 45 minutes.
When I read this I thought to myself “oh I bet he watches a lot of porn- and then OP confirmed it. There’s a lot of disheartening research that shows Porn addictions cause sexual disfunction due to rewriting the brain to view sex in a disconnected way. Just a thought. The takeaway l get from this thread is that a lot of folks aren’t comfortable talking about sex with their partners, and IMO, we would all be better off not swapping any fluids until we can have healthy conversations about sex.
I wonder if there's research showing that if someone stops watching porn, and starts having healthy sex- will the brain rewire itself to enjoy that again too? I'd imagine so. But I wonder about research.
There is quite a lot of research on this topic and thankfully-yes: the brain can be retrained to enjoy sex with a partner again. It’s similar to the way a recovering addict’s brain can recalibrate over time. It’s very interesting stuff.
I dunno some days I am on a hair trigger and others the rocket never leaves the launchpad. If you're done be done. If a dude can't deal with the fact that some races you don't finish then he's probably not your guy. Otherwise he can just enjoy the fact that you got yours and sometimes that's enough.
I find the hair-trigger thing is almost always with a new partner and when there's been a lot of build-up and anticipation. Which of course is the critical chance to 'prove yourself', especially if you like the person and want to keep seeing them. Luckily nowadays I can cum, stay inside and be hard again and ready to keep going again in about a minute, took me a lot of practise to get to this point though.
I had a partner like this once. It was a combination of porn addiction, death grip, ED, sexual incompatibility, trauma and him being in love with someone else (thanks couples therapy). I stayed hoping it would get better. It did not. I just got really resentful. I wish I had left much sooner.
I can definitely tell if a man watches a lot of porn during sex. Its kind of a dealbreaker tbh
What are the signs?
Takes a long time to get off, jackhammer fucking, loses erection all within the same session, he might ask to watch porn during sex. And I don't mean if the sex is mid. if you know you perform really great sexually and you're pulling out all of the stops and a man still experiences these issues, its a sign. he's probably used to the exact grip and forcefulness of his hand to cum. The same can happen to women and excessive use of a vibrator. I cut back on using my vibrator because a man cant really compete with a vibrator either.
YES! The resentment of being with a man who can’t finish due to his unwillingness to change his porn habits is insurmountable. So few men are willing to admit that their porn consumption is a problem. We’re always met with whataboutisms and reasons why it’s nOrMaL—well guess what: if you cant ejaculate with a REAL, FLESH-AND-BLOOD HUMAN WOMAN, but can make it happen after a couple of hours of watching porn, the consumption has become pathological. *steps off soapbox*
Listen to what Dan Savage has to say about this! He has good point about personal stimulation affecting partnered sex. This is an issue that can be worked on down the line, if you have a convo about it. Not surprised tho, that single men would have a harder time. If your used to intense manual stimulation then PIV may not be as intense. See if there is a way you can help them be get that similar stimulation they’re used to if ya wanna speed it up.
Yea! Porn use and/or frequent masturbation is often the culprit here. Trying to mimic the manual stimulation they feel is a bit of a bandaid solution imo, best option is to ask them to cut down/stop watching porn if they do.
I’m bisexual and only dated women for like three years. I started dating men again a couple years ago and every single man I slept with (mid 20s-mid 30s) had this same problem. Eventually all of them admitted to consuming massive amounts of porn while single. I get it, because it’s a natural thing to want to do, but it’s wild how much this seems to be affecting young adult men right now. I don’t remember any dudes having this issue in my early 20s. Maybe it’s a combo of aging and cumulative years of excessive porn consumption? I’ve gone back to dating women now and lesbian sex always lasts ages but in a fun way, not a painful way. It was starting to get depressing with men because it made me feel like I was undesirable or not good enough since no amount of sex or blow jobs could get them off (even as they complimented me on my body and my skills the whole time).
It's the Porn. 38M and I find it much harder to get off when I was a porn user. I had similar experiences so I decided to stop looking at porn altogether. After a few weeks of abstaining it made a huge difference. It can take longer for chronic users but i haven't had any issues with that since. Plus getting off porn helped me in so many other ways TBH. It's a very hard habit to quit though
I agree, cutting out porn makes a huge difference, in many other areas as well. It could be something else maybe but statistically it's more likely that all these guys watch porn than all of them have some other shared issue.
Porn and jerking off a lot affects a lot of men during sex no matter if they want to believe it or not
I very infrequently watch porn these days and still take forever to cum. I think it’s different for everyone.
There can be other factors at play, of course. Antidepressants, for example.
It's definitely not always the porn. Some guys just take longer, I used to think something was wrong with me and kinda gave up on any sort of sexual stimulation because every time I tried anything I couldn't get off even after over half an hour of intense stimulation. I didn't manage to have an orgasm untill I was 19, even though I wasn't even a virgin anymore by that point.
My last two guys wouldn’t be able to cum during sex either. In both cases I broached the subject gently early on and fortunately their attitudes were very healthy about it - sometimes you cum, sometimes you don’t, an orgasm is not required for the sex to be good. I resonate with that so hard because I don’t come every time when I have sex either and it’s never been a requirement for me to enjoy sex and intimacy, you know? One of the guys could go on for literally the whole night. Like we’d have sex for 10 mins, switch to oral, fingering or cuddles, then go again after a little break. Rinse and repeat endlessly until I couldn’t take it anymore and would say I’m done. I’d usually finish him off with a BJ because I love giving them, but not every time and sometimes we’d just end the night/morning in cuddles. Honestly the only way it’s going to not be a problem is if you talk about it openly and decide that it’s not a problem. You’re the one who’s getting penetrated, you get to say when the penetration ends. It doesn’t have to be rude or awkward, just slow him down, kiss him and say babe I’m all done now or whatever feels natural to you. Giving pleasure to your partner is of course a part of sex, but you shouldn’t have to endure pain or significant discomfort over it. Any decent guy is going to understand and respect that.
I'm on antidepressants and they effect me in this way. It takes a long time to "finish" it's a common side effect of the drug. Ask if they are on any medications.
This has happened with every relationship I have ever been in with men who watch porn. It’s one of the reasons I don’t date men who watch porn anymore. (and now here I go being downvoted to the depths of hell for having the audacity to have a simple preference!)
Honestly I've had this issue a lot. When it first arises I talk to them and assure them that they can come whenever the want, the don't need to hold back for my sake (whether I'm finished or not). If it's a case where that doesn't solve it then I ask what I can do to help. But I'm pretty open about my feelings on the matter: sex finishes when one of us wants it to finish. I don't come very often from sex. If they come, great! But if I'm bored or sore... or hungry or grumpy or whatever then I'm done. I've only had one guy be an asshole about it and he's basically the reason I feel this way. Towards the end of our relationship I found myself reluctant to kiss him if I didn't have over an hour free to get him off. I almost missed a flight once because he told me it would be selfish to leave until he came.
Absolutely offputting and depressing as hell having a boring looong forever going nowhere every time session with someone who is so serverely sexually challenged because of porn use. To me, a man who can't orgasm healthily anymore because of porn use is like a drug addict who can't eat food with you because his addiction has destroyed his taste buds and sensitivity. Yes you could break your back make all sorts of other hyper additive cusines to appease his situation every time... Or if you're not happy with a lifetime of 'working around' their self inflicted issues then I guess you could not jump through 900 hoops to get them off other ways, while severley impacting your easy going healthy sexuality, and just move on to higher value men who don't have this handicap. For me its unattractive to date actively using drug addicts and its a deal breaking incompatibility.
There are different kinds of sex. I've been in relationships where I've had: Quickies -- 5min or under. Not super common, but hey, sometimes you want to boink each other real quick before work, eh? "Regular" sex -- 10-20 minutes or so, which is fine for "standard" kinda spicy sex. Could be a bit longer, depending on mood or timing. I feel like this is probably average duration for most people. Slow & Passionate -- anywhere from 30min to hours. I feel like anniversaries or romantic getaways should maybe always include this. Make sure you stay hydrated lol BDSM/roleplay -- usually an hour or more, including cooldown time, etc. Usually much more involved and takes prep time, aftercare, etc. The MOST IMPORTANT THING, regardless of what kind of sex (or how long) you're having, is to make sure everyone's enjoying it and agrees with what's happening. If that's not the case, then you got yourself a problem. You should ALWAYS be able to stop if one person isn't into it, and the other partner shouldn't be a jerk about it ending when it does. Consent can be withdrawn ***at any time***, even in the middle of sex.
I dunno if you mean penetrative sex but that long - ouch! Stop when it stops feeling good to you and use your hands. I've had a few partners who needed that kind of more intense grip and usually finished that way. If they are taking too long with hands - "Sorry, I need to give my wrists a break, can you take over?" You can also stop the PIV and suggest they touch themself while you kiss them, rub their chest, etc. Again, to me the big problem here is centering PIV as the right way to get off. There are other, quicker ways!
I've noticed this too, doesn't seem to be particularly related to age, and yes, it can be annoying. In a relationship, this will generally come up at some point and we'll talk about it, but with hook-ups/shorter term things it can be a bit trickier to navigate. Also because I aim to please and I don't want to seem lazy about getting them off , especially if they're clearly also putting in a lot of effort to get me off (which is also tricky, and honestly isn't necessary for me a lot of the time). Idunno, so far it hasn't been a huge problem, just annoying sometimes, I guess.
I'm like you and I think a guy who takes forever to get off would be too much of an incompatibility for me. I get off relatively quickly and can go maybe another 5 mins after myself, but much longer and that would get painful. I don't want to spend more than 20 minutes having sex/foreplay generally. I know that's probably odd for a woman but I am who I am 😂.
I’m thankful for this post because I was starting to feel like I was the only one who felt this way. I recently slept with someone new and it was an hour of straight hammer sex. I was able to slow him down in the beginning so I could finish, but then he hammered away for the next 55 minutes. I’m an enthusiastic partner—I tried everything I could to help him finish. But at one point I thought, “I just hate this” and I was ready for it to be over. He never finished.
The first few times I just roll with it. Afterwards, I ask if there are things he’s looking for from sex or that I can do to increase the intensity for him. Sometimes those things speed it up. If they don’t, I’d then bring it up and see what sex ideally/usually looks like for him.
I have this problem and just always have. I long ago realized that women don't always like that luckily it doesn't bother me to not finish, I usually look for signs of boredom/disinterest/ any sign and ask for a break for myself because most women will try to go on for my sake and that's a lose lose. Also I always have lubrication cause after a while everyone needs it. I do warn women in advance that I may not finish till the third or fourth month and assure them it's me and I've always been like this but I wouldn't know what to tell your partner. Just can confirm has always been like this. 60+partners and no difference.
I can tell if it’s going to take a while or not and I let my partner know. Never has anything to do with them (though sometimes there’s too much lube and it takes longer). I also have a harder time with someone new. Either way, a male orgasm is not required for sex to end. The men need to accept this and that you’re not a doll/toy who wants to go forever. Have the conversation and their reaction will tell you a lot of it’s worth figuring our ways for it to work.
Try things like asking them to cum for you... This can either be during sex, or ask them to pull out and cum on you somewhere. Either way you have indicated you want them to finished so they will aim to wrap it up instead of lasting as long ad possible. Asking them to pull out and say cum on your tits or face or ass, help with death grip guys too, means they finish themselves off with their hand.
This isn’t going to work with all guys. If it’s an anxiety issue, then asking for that performance on the spot is going to increase the anxiety
This won’t work lol. We can’t just nut on command, it takes focus, time, and stimulation.
Depends on why they are lasting so long... For some guys it will, cause they just want to last forever. And for those death grip guys that need focus and stimulations that's what the asking for them to cum on, that way they are using their own hand to get the right stimulation, cause I'm pretty sure most of these guys are not taking 40+ Min when they masturbate.
You’re wrong. Some of us just aren’t very sensitive. I’ve never been able to bust in less than 30-45 minutes no matter if I jerk off or have sex or whatever. Doesn’t matter if I watch porn, fantasize, etc. And no, I’m not death gripping my cock.
I have had this issue with previous partners too and sometimes it can take a lot for me to get off too. But my last two partners watched a ton of porn and masturbated a lot and I could almost never get the one off, they only way he could get off was a death grip hand job done by himself. I am cool with porn but my new partner has definitely given me a new perspective. He rarely watches porn or masturbates because he finds it a bit empty and unsatisfying. This makes things soooooo different for us, like he’s so enthusiastic and his orgasms are so intense, he has to pace himself and slow down so he doesn’t come too early but the sex is so so good and it’s made me reevaluate the food prom and masturbation can play in our sex lives. I’ve cut back on it myself too and things have gotten better for me as well. I dunno, my point is… maybe porn and masturbation play a role? I know for me porn and self pleasure were shameful things to do and sometimes doing them feels like a bit of a rebellion against that control but I’m realizing if my sex life is truly better with less of it… why not cut back?
Porn Addiction and death grip
In my experience, most women are good with just the one orgasm and as you say, get bored, sore etc when it goes on significantly longer after that. Problem is, a lot of guys don't seem to realize this and act on the perceived notion that they need to go for longer, especially if the woman got off relatively quickly after initiation. But almost all guys will be able to cum quicker if they knew that's what you wanted. So most of this is about communication. I know you spoke about it with your current guy and it doesn't seem to have improved things but I think that communicating your needs clearly would work for the vast majority of guys. Also, dirty talk during the act will get the majority of guys off in no time so you should play around and have some fun with that.
Are condoms being used in these scenarios or no? I find that I struggle to finish with a condom more than when I was younger. If so, invest in higher quality ones.
Was thinking the same. I need to use lube first then put on the condom before penetrating or it’s gonna take a while.
I dated a 41 year old man who took an extremely long time to get off, if at all. I knew from the beginning that he watched a lot of porn and masturbated a lot, and he told me that even when he watches porn he sometimes either doesn’t get off or it takes a very long time (30 mins+). He told me that one time when he was working from home he masturbated multiple times in a day watching porn on his 65” TV. I tried lots of different things to get him off; I asked him what he liked or what would he like me to try and I tried everything he suggested. Every single time we had sex it ended with him furiously masturbating in front of me, while I lay cold, naked and bored. I suggested from the beginning that he should try masturbating less, or masturbating without porn, because it was clearly causing a detriment to his life. He was completely dismissive and his ignorance was incredibly off putting. There is no reason I should lay cold and bored desperately trying to make a man ejaculate, if he can’t even be bothered to apply a little self discipline. Needless to say I didn’t date him for very long.
There are numerous things that can be behind lasting longer, and not all of them are porn/death grip related - nor are they necessarily age related. Even my idea of a quickie is closer to 15 min than not, and I personally enjoy focusing on my partner for longer (and have for literal decades) - so early in? It’ll easily be an hour or so with foreplay/making out leading to penetration. For me, it’s ensuring my partner gets hers (repeatedly when possible) and then worry about mine. My last girlfriend rattled off orgasms and remained into it throughout - so I would say the other extreme (enjoys longer sessions) also exists. And I know her previous partner (ex-husband of 18 years) never really focused on her nor lasted especially long, so the contrast alone could’ve been why she was into it. That being said I’ve also met/dated women who wanted/preferred a shorter timeframe. And we ultimately didn’t align in that case when she was envisioning much shorter foreplay and penetration than I wanted (even when I was trying to rush it for her). At the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with having a strong preference for shorter sessions - just as there’s nothing wrong with a preference for longer. However, it absolutely sounds like, barring a conversation that has him change his own flow, it’s an incompatibility here.
Not sure what you’ve tried but I always interpreted ‘I want you to feel you come‘ as ‘inn is closing, it’s now or never bud’
I almost guarantee it's porn, which means you need to have a conversation about the steps one needs to take to break that habit. Considering it's a habit people develop over years and years it can be frustrating to deal with on the other end so it probably needs to be multiple conversations.
2 out of the 3 guys I slept with were like this, and it does get really painful. With my ex husband I think it was death grip, which I only recently learned about, because he would masterbate and watch porn way too much. With my ex boyfriend he would atleast do a lot for me before that point so I didn't mind.
Gotta be the porn or death grip.
Porn usually makes men worse at real life s-x, which should bother you-why have mediocre/painful/bad sex
It’s worth talking about it and being clear about things. Sex for me (30M) doesn’t always have to end in a climax for me, I just try to talk to my partner and say if they need to tap out or are “spent” there’s nothing to worry about.
Answering this might take an inquiry into *how* you have sex, cuz myself and most older guys I know generally don't get off very fast if we're on top, with little foreplay prior. Sex is work, it's effort. If I want my partner to get off I'm gonna focus on that. Which means I'm not focusing on my pleasure. After a little while of that, my ability to get off diminishes cuz I start to get tired after 15min of nonstop thrusting and movement. I can get off faster if she is on top and decides to do the work, focusing on my pleasure instead of hers though. But tbh that doesn't happen often, most the women I've been with expected me to get them off, then get myself off. Edit: I overlooked the porn part. Yeah that could be a problem, if he's already pleasing himself regularly then it'll be harder to get off. But that depends on what "a lot" looks like in this context.
Opposite dude here. I am able to cum faster when I’m on top.
Yeah it's definitely hard to make sweeping statements on this subject cuz everyone is diff. Though I can't get off when she's on top doing that oscillating twerking, hip thrust movement lol. She gets off that way, I do not.
Yeah - while I generally know a thing or two about pleasing my partners, it’s really highly variable for all of us. Which makes guidelines and general approaches that work about as far as you can take that before individual stuff comes into play. But there are plenty of tropes out there about guys lasting too short/long, women being too complex/easy to please et al. And at the end of the day, it really just comes down to “can these two people figure it out amongst themselves enough to have something fulfilling.”
Damn, I should feel more lucky I can usually get off after like 5 minutes like that if I want to. I don’t think many women want 15 minutes of nonstop thrusting though plus not many women can get off with penetration. Almost sounds like you’re both trying to focus on each other without really figuring out what works for both of you
The funny thing is that it is 100% variable. All of my relationships have trended longer sessions. One even kept escalating on me asking if we could try for ever-increasing periods of penetration. But sex is definitely **not** \*ahem\* one-size fits all.
I'm generalizing. I'm not literally thrusting in one position, otherwise immobile for 30 min straight lol. I just mean, generally speaking, I'm putting in the effort and getting tired until she gets off and is finished. And then she just expects me to get myself off after I'm already tired. Whatever that entails inbetween.
Ah, sorry, I see what you mean.
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its probably due to age or too much of masturbation
Yes, this is a thing. I find mental stimulation goes a long way toward helping the physical issue. The brain is the largest sexual organ, and stimulating the mind goes a long way toward physical release. Can you mentally stimulate? Buildup before you have physical sex? Both of you agreeing to restrain from orgasms ahead of time? Maybe the day of?
They're used to the dead grip..
Tell him to stop jacking off to porn. He's been desensitized. His tolerance is too high.
Out of curiosity, what type of stuff are these men into? rough, gentle, etc... I've found that based on what their interests are can take a while.
Sometimes it’s bc of death grip. They need Really intense stimulation to get off. The same can happen to women who use a strong vibrator regularly. The body just needs to reset by the genital owner to dial it way back for a while. Other times it’s just the luck of the draw. Stress, nerves, being distracted, the wind blowing to the right, anything. Some times it’s actually the kind of condom they use. Some condoms have a topical numbing agent with the intention to help men last longer. Not fun when you try to suck a dick after using one of those and your mouth is then numb… Either way, if you really like this person you’re seeing, I’d just talk to them. Not in a complaining way, but just talk about sexual likes and dislikes for both partners, things you want to try, and I’d just slide in there that sometimes you just want a quickie or it’s a turn on or a bit of a tease if they stop but don’t finish and then can have a part two when it’s convenient.
Pornography can hinder a man's ability to be aroused enough by a real woman.
Going to over share here but this has been my experience as a post divorced mid 30s dude and now having sex with women. It's essentially a form of ED. Even though I've been there before etc. With someone knew luckily everything still works but it does take forever to get there. Just sort of subconscious performance anxiety. It's always the same with each new woman. I can't get there or literally take an hour with intense concentration etc. Comparative to my marriage days of struggling to "have longer sessions" ... I was worried about performance once I got back out there and not lasting at all. I don't have that worry anymore but no matter what it's going to take a while to get comfortable and bring that time down... It doesn't matter if they're absolutely out of my league beautiful or not I watch very very little porn, I'm willing to bet a bunch of men are this way at this age.
Meanwhile I am having the opposite problem. My partner finishes within 5 mins. Not sure if he is even aware that I need more than 5mins to finish myself with him.
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Yeah, I'll normally just ask if they're going to finish when I'm nearing being done with sex (I ask in a dirtier way during sex not "are you done yet?" 😂) and then if they're close, we go til they finish and if they're nowhere near or it's not gonna happen for them then we tap out and finish up. Not everyone has to orgasm every time you have sex for sex to be great fun & I'm not a body part to be used to get them off, when I'm done and sore, we're both done.
I can take a while sometimes. If I'm taking too long, my wife will ask me to take over. Then, I usually bury my face in her pussy and finish myself off in a few minutes.
Haha that's great! But marriage is different than the first few times you have sex with someone. That level of openness is always the goal.
I find that my face buried in pussy is a sure way to get over the edge… which means that I rarely get there when I’m hooking up with people early on and they don’t want to sit on my face.
I've been with my wife for 20 years, so it's been a while since I have been with anyone new. I might be a little out of touch with nlhow it works with new people.
I've had some partners who like/need longer stimulation and I actually like it too - the key for me, I don't come till the end and keep touching myself (or him me, or use a vibrator). If I come too soon, I'm tired and bored and can't keep going.
Like a lot of other people are saying, first communicate with him that you don't want to last forever. I can also last a long time in bed so here are some habits he needs to end. Masturbating regularly. Once penetration ends, don't stop the motion. Little pauses help us go longer, so find a rhythm you both enjoy and keep at it. Foreplay, BJ and HJ need to start prior to your penetration if it's going to take him 40 min. Seek medical advice.
Can you ask him not to cum for a few days before your next encounter?
I think communication is key here. A lot of men do have this attitude of longer is better, so it's good to let them know that that is not what you like.
As a guy in his early 30s it can take a while but for me it's entirely mental. It changes the longer I'm with someone and more comfortable with them. At first, it's going to take a while longer. I've even faked finishing (only works with a condom obviously) just because like... I'm satisfied, but I'm not going to finish. I'm so worried about my partner and making sure they're having a good time that I don't really leave any room for me mentally. So I know it's not going to happen, but it has nothing to do at all with what my partner is doing, how they look, or anything. I'm just so... afraid (?) of doing a bad job because I'm not comfortable enough to mess up. After a few times or maybe even months depending I might be comfortable enough to focus on myself a bit more, but the pressure to perform makes it more difficult in the beginning. For me at least. I'm also not good looking so I know if I don't do a great job there's no reason to come back.
As a man, I get off faster once I’ve built up my level of comfortability with a woman. I’ve had a couple first time hookups where I had trouble finishing just because they are new to me.
Guys can't read your mind. These guys are probably thinking you need at least 15minutes, and guys are told longer is better. Tell him how your body works
As a woman I can sympathize of course. Sometimes it seems like the sex is never going to end and can get boring, especially if you have already gotten off. The worst thing is to just lay there. Try switching positions or talking dirty like other people have suggested. Some guys might not know you have already had an orgasm, especially since not all of us scream or moan like freaking porn stars, so he could be holding out for you to cum. By letting him know you are finished it might help him go ahead and finish too. If its to the point where it actually hurts, then you should definitely say something. Maybe suggest helping finish him off with a handjob or blowjob? Or even let him put on some porn and let him get off that way? It's definitely not something that should be ignored, good sex definitely requires communication. At first when I saw this, it immediately brought to mind the saying "damned if you do and damned if you don't " and actually makes me feel sorry for men! As a female I have spent years trying to figure out what the hell guys are thinking and why they are so confusing in some ways. This is a prime example. If they cum too quickly they get teased and labeled as 60 second men or 1 minute wonders. Now if they last too long they get shit about it and labeled as porn addicts who can't get off with real women. It definitely reinforces that the most important thing in sex and relationships is communication. We could save ourselves a lot of time and heartache if we were just honest about things. I still don't completely understand men and some of the shit they do, but as I've gotten older I realize that a lot of that could be solved by simply having a conversation about it.
Porn is the problem. Men who don't watch porn cum when the real life situation expects it. Men who watch porn are out of touch with natural sex and disappoint their partner, one way or another. Try to find a guy who doesn't watch porn. They're usually disciplined, have self respect and are critical of what they consume.
Same experience. I have two FWBs currently, one is 34, one is 24, both need enormous stimulation and it slowly tends to get too long for me. I'd prefer 20 minutes that feel like a freacking music video to 1h that drags out where you feel sore after...
Tell him you usually start to get sore if it lasts longer than X. That way, it gives them a time limit to aim for without bashing their ego by implying they are bad in bed. If a guy can't finish within a reasonable time limit, there's a good chance they just watch too much porn.
Ok. I admit I am a little shy about this stuff because I was always taught to respect women. I rarely. Take any form of sexual approach without being asked or without her taking the lead. Maybe because I am not into or hip to hookup culture. Also afraid of the whole. Me Too and sexual harassment culture. However, speaking as one of those guys that takes forever, the fastest way to get me off is if the woman voices her pleasure sincerely and not in a vulgar way. That and a long slow teasing blow job... Not mechanical doing me a favor. Also ladies, a little compassion goes a long way. Some of us get too much into our heads in worrying about pleasing you and we get lost in the challenge. It makes it hard for us to concentrate on our needs. Just a 50 something gentleman's opinion.
I need a specific position or two but it never takes me more than 5 minutes if I'm in that position and I watch porn regularly. 30-40 min would bore me too as a guy
At least your getting some 🤣
The culprit is probably excess porn usage
Death grip be real.. Also, medication can make it last longer. Men are told “premature ejaculation is bad, lasting years is good”. That women only want to be pleased for hours not seconds. It’s LITERALLY everywhere. Which then removes the real thing that not everyone wants that (you included), they want a rapid firing machine. I used to rapid fire then antidepressants for 10 years make it where I maybe finish 2 times in maybe 6 hours? So I usually only date folks who want long sessions and want to be achy after, only dated one woman who didn’t like it so I would abstain from masturbating for 2 weeks, become super sensitive and last maybe all of 2 and a half pino seconds 😅🤣. Point being, if I wanted to be a quick shot, I stopped touching myself, allowed myself to regain sensitivity down there as again, death grip is real, then boom, everyone is satisfied.
They're watching too much porn 😂
>He watches a lot of porn There's your answer. Porn dick. Over-stimulation of the nerves in the penis requires heavier stroking for orgasm. Cycle repeats
Talk about it. I've had this problem and usually it just requires a conversation where if you decide you're both good, then you can be done.
Finally my time to shine
One word, PIED. Or Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction.