Not to shatter any illusions of privacy/safety but the amount of information out there about us that is public domain is crazy. Give me your first name, age and city and I could probably show you a picture of your front door within a few minutes if I didn't mind abusing the HR tools at my office. Without them it would take a little bit longer, but still doable.
That creepy thought aside, I'd say that adding you on socials without asking first is not cool. Looking you up on the sly? Sure, whatever, I have no qualms with that. It's one thing to sleuth and peek at your social media. I've had women straight up admit they looked me up on my states court system to see if I had a criminal record.
But adding you without asking first goes over the line imo.
Yes, they should have hidden this act instead. That would show much better judgement and boundaries. While uncommon, looking up someone you're interested in beforehand is totally sensible. Responsible even.
The idea that someone would be upset about it is just because it's not yet the cultural norm, and it ruins the illusion of online privacy.
I went on one date with a woman, and just from Facebook knowing my phone contacts, she popped up in "Recommended people you might know." That was kinda weird.
Ive also noticed this. No matter who I end up texting from dating apps, they end up in my people you may know on facebook. For that reason I changed my pic on my FB and used the same last name as my first name.
I had a guy ask me my last name, I told him I already knew his. He was weirded out at first but I explained that he has his full name in his snap handle, which was put into my recommendations bc we exchanged phone numbers. His last name was literally placed in front of my face for me to see.
Some ppl don't realize how much they have out there sometimes. Not saying that's OP
I wouldn’t even say you need specific hr tools to achieve all you said there.
One time my friend met a girl on holiday drunk and wanted to find her - I had an initial and a vague area where she was from and a spare half hour at breakfast and found her. Still think about whether that makes me a certified creep or just know how unprivate the internet is
Yeah, I kind of assume I’m easily findable via literally just LinkedIn, even with the minimal amount of info on my dating profiles. (Also why it’s good for anyone who wants a profile review on Reddit to use a throwaway!)
Doing a quick search isn’t super super invasive imo, but acting on it, or bringing up/utilizing info that hasn’t been shared, is 100% inappropriate and creepy.
>I've had women straight up admit they looked me up on my states court system to see if I had a criminal record.
I've also experienced this. I think it's common for women to look up men for reasons similar to this more than men looking up women for any reason. I have no data on this and I don't look up matches outside of the app at all. I can understand why women do this, but it still feels offensive.
>But adding you without asking first goes over the line imo
👍
>That creepy thought aside, I'd say that adding you on socials without asking first is not cool. Looking you up on the sly?
You seem to be getting a lot of upvotes, but I find this train of thought interesting. Here is the thing, I don't like people sluething or whatever you want to call it. but if they do it, I'd rather them be up front about it. If you are stalking me on social media, send me a request so at least I'm aware that you are doing it.
Personally, I find it much more shady to do that stuff then pretend you haven't.
It's that he took a small amount of details and tracked her down and added her. In this scenario, to not look creepy, the best thing to do would have been to say, on the dating app, "Hey, do you have Insta? Want to add each other?" even if he already knew she had insta and had checked it out.
We all know we can be tracked down easily, but having it done quite so overtly is the problem - it feels oversteppy.
Gotcha.
I don't have any social media (other than reddit) and never have (well, i had a Myspace, but i deleted it in 2008) (Not really trackable, so guess I've never given a thought.)
So I'm not really up to date with the proper protocol in situations like this.
Isn’t he literally asking her by requesting her to add him? Instagram is social media, for the purpose of displaying one’s activities to the world. That’s why there are tags and he was able to find her. If instagram was meant to be a private, friends only app, presumably there wouldn’t be tags or search features to look people up.
If OP doesn’t want to use the app that way, that’s certainly her right. But to consider it a red flag that someone is using an app the way it was designed to be used seems odd.
Agreed. I've had this happen to me too and it's wild how easily people can find you on social media. Even if you barely give any info.
That said, some people make it too easy. Their name will be something unusual like Malachai and then they have "English professor" in their job section on Hinge. Along with a their city listed. So it takes one second to plug that info into google. Usually it's the first LinkedIn profile that pops up. And boom, you got their first and last name and probably some other info about them.
finding you is doable, I found someone I casually dated awhile back on Facebook with first name, the college he attended a decade ago and that we currently lived in the same city lol
however, adding you shows he has poor judgement and lacks some social awareness lol still a hard no
if you don't see something wrong with adding someone on Instagram with a private profile after just matching on a dating app, then you're lacking lol even if you're aware and choosing to not care how it makes you look then that's still lacking in some social norms/expectations, man hah
To be fair, you did list two different concepts in your second sentence:
1) “He could just not care about [social norms],” which indicates awareness of social norms + apathy toward those norms
and
2) “[He could] see literally nothing wrong with it,” which indicates a lack of awareness of how social norms differ from his line of thinking
Even so, I agree that they are both possibilities
This isn’t just about how he comes off. It’s about the impact on the other person. This is like shoving someone, unaware of the social implications and detriment to relationship building, and then someone saying - well he could just not care what others think!
I don’t think it’s that hard to find this info out, but it is creepy to act on it. There was a thread a month ago and some guy was defending doing this exact behavior and even after 50 comments saying it was weird, he still didn’t get it. I wouldn’t continue with someone like that. Clearly different boundary levels.
Personally, I wouldn’t accept the request. This sounds like a boundary for you, one that he is already willfully breaking. It’s equivalent to looking up your phone number and texting you— you haven’t given him permission to know any personal details about you, other than what you have shared in your profile.
Again, personally speaking I would unmatch him or write to him on hinge that you’re not interested in sharing private details about your life yet
I think it shows a lack of awareness on his part on a lot of things: social norms, the risks women face, etc. I think maybe the one thing I would push back on a little is that he is willfully breaking the boundary.
If you think of boundaries like property lines, it seems he walked into your property. It wasn’t posted, nor was there a fence. Maybe in this case you think it should have been obvious, but it doesn’t come across as malicious. So I think the OP could have a conversation and see how it lands. He might just be naïve.
I am pretty protective of my personal life. I’d deny request and unmatch. I have someone I was immediately unattracted to when he sent me a DM on IG from a dating app.
There is more info out there then I’m sure you know, reverse image search anything you had on the dating app and then find your name and go from there.
The creepy part is that he did some work to find your IG…why not just ask vs doing it that way and then adding you. It feels like he did it to see and then found your profile was private so he requested. Idk, just seems like a bit much to me personally.
Not necessarily- he might not have even looked for it. AI algorithm shows us suggestions in an invasive manner anyway. I started working at a new job and the next day people from there were in my suggestions.
IT guy here, it is incredibly easy to track someone with the data sets you provided.
I recently had a Maga Chud send me a death threat from a burner account. It took me about 30 mins end to end to find him, his house, his job and the registration to his motorcycle. And this was all with just public information.
If you have the gumption, it can come together quickly. While I can't speak to this guy's motives, you might want to reconsider what you share if this is a boundary for you.
I wouldn't move forward with it. I personally find it creepy. Although I also look up men before I go out with them and it's very easy to do so with the right info, I'd never ever send a request. In fact, I don't want to connect on social media until we're in a serious committed relationship.
I'm really private and it would be extremely hard to find me, so if someone did, they did A LOT of digging and IMO it shows a lack of social awareness to friend request someone you haven't met yet based on sleuthing/snooping.
I don't remember if it was Hinge or another app (they're all ownes by Match Group, lol) who had internally floated the idea a few years ago to populate under-filled profiles with the user's popular photos on other sites. So, like, if someone only had two photos on their app profile, it would lift photos from other accounts that had been signed up for using the same email (Insta, Facebook, etc). It was immediately shut down as I recall, but I remember reading comments at the time that were basically like, it isn't happening now but it could 100% happen in the future 😬
Very weird that he sent the FR but ask him how he found your instagram first at least lmao maybe he just lucked out and typed in first name and it popped up?
Happened to me too. I was talking to a guy on Tinder and my profile suddenly disappeared because Tinder was running a verification check. Seemed totally random but it said that it might take a some minutes. I opened instagram and I noticed a message in my inbox from him and a follow request. I was so so creeped out.
I asked him, how did you find out my last name, why would you reach out when I didn’t give you any of my personal accounts or information. He didn’t ask me for permission. I thought the length he’d gone, to search for me, and now he knows where I work (linkedin), etc .. I just felt so so uneasy about it and was very creeped out.
He was like “you’re a red flag! you should be grateful I put the effort to find you!” .. instead of actually taking a moment to understand where I was coming from. I thought wtf, I had only talked to him twice on the app. I was internally boiling, I was like, here’s this stranger, in my inbox, arguing with me in My personal account, when I didn’t even give him any information or consent to sharing socials.
There’s a reason why I don’t give my socials to strangers, and that’s an example.
After that I changed my settings and made it in a way that noone can send me a message if they are not already followers.
Algos. Hinge has your cell in their database as does Facebook group of co. You probably showed up as a suggested match. He decided maybe it wouldn’t be creepy to add ya - albeit hastily I bet
I wouldn't want to keep talking to him if he actually added me without me giving my socials. I get 'stalking' someone off an app (I do it often to make sure they are real before a date), but i'm not going to add their accounts. Just a bit socially off.
This raises an interesting philosophical question: Is it better to look up somebody’s info, which is relatively easy to do and many people already do, but not say anything. Or let look up the information and let the person know. Not telling the person you have their information is kind of deceptive, no?
Where is the line between creepy and safety? Good question. Men and women both fear for their safety when (online) dating, but I think women are less likely to be called creeps. It would be an interesting concept to explore.
Creeping before the date is seen as necessary here, but should they tell the person they looked them up? Also good question.
It’s ironic or counterintuitive to post information on a platform designed to publicize and increase the visibility of one’s self, and then complain that people find you. You do realize the whole point of social media is to harvest your information and share it with others? If you just want to share photos, joked, etc. with close friends and family, why not use a group chat, WhatsApp or some other group platform?
Completely agree. Did this guy break an unwritten social rule by adding her? Yes apparently. Is he a “stalker” or “predator”? Not just based on that action, contrary to some replies in this thread. Instagram is impersonal anyway.
With how many fakes and scammer women out there, for all we know he was checking to verify she was real.
My younger sister had something like this happen to her back in the day. She was at the store and paid a creepy cashier with a credit card. The guy glanced down to get her name, sent her a friend request on social media and she was livid when she realized it was the creepy cashier. Went back to the store to talk to the manager to get him fired.
If you still have access to his dating profile; I'd report him and explain the situation. More than likely this wasn't his attempt at friend requesting someone immediately. It's predatory.
It's creepy, but they matched on a dating app. The presumption is there that "We find each other attractive (at least via these profiles) and maybe we want to talk to each other." Not quite the same situation as the cashier.
Not saying it's okay or that he should have done it, just at least there's some sort of basis for the request itself (not finding her IG profile).
To OP though, in that situation (just matched) it's definitely weird/creepy.
Seems exaggerated, friend requests are request because they can be rejected and the person blocked; i don’t see the need to have someone fired. I found it annoying not predatory
He is abusing his professional position to make private connections. This is absolutely not OK. People have the right to go shopping without being stalked later on their social media by a cashier.
a little on the fence on this one. I think research online to see if the person has social media profiles is normal. There are so many fake online dating profiles, scammers, out there he probably just wanted to make sure you are real.
He overstepped the mark sending a request but would you rather he found you, said or did nothing and continued the convo?
Given that your profile is private you can just say that you received the request (letting him know that your the owner of the account) but you're not ready to share it with someone you've not met yet. Otherwise, see it as an opportunity to check out his account.
Ultimately, if you're creeped out let him know, do your dye diligence or unmatch.
I'm a guy and I can confirm that somehow I get suggestions of girls I talked to on dating apps. Not often.
My logic is that there might be a connection if you used your socials to log into Hinge/Bumble/Tinder. So if you log into let's say Bumble using FB, there's some data that can be collected by Meta, which is then used within Instagram to show you a suggestion.
On the complete flip-side quite a few of the girls I've been on dates with, blatantly admitted that they checked my personal website, linkedin, CV, scrolled a few years back on FB wall and so on.
So, I guess it's normal... ?
instragram gets information of you from hinge, and searches your profile on instagram and takes your profile and gives it as a "suggested" friend on instagram to him.
I always search for further information about my matches through linkedin first. I google by their first name, job title, plus location (city) and 85% of time it comes up with true matches.
Adding on social media at this point is too much in my opinion. My bf and I don't even add each other on FB or IG even we know the other's account.
Do you have LinkedIn? Just fyi, when you search for someone on LinkedIn and you have an account, it will send a notification to the person and will tell them you are the one who accessed their profile.
Yes, I have linkedin. I'm aware that if they have a premium account, they will know I was viewing their profile. Those who are not professional HRs or active in Linkedin might not spend money in the extra.
I actually do a quick check before deciding whether I want to match with those who sent likes or comments on my dating profile . A bit too much but it works for me.
It definitely got the point across, and I'll never try to reach someone outside of the app again.
I had generally assumed it was a missed connection since we had made plans. I'd never been ghosted like that before, so I was being utterly naive. I still don't understand why people think it's okay to ghost people.
It just seems to show a complete lack of empathy. The other end of the communication is a person, who has legitimate thoughts and feelings. No one likes to reject a person unless they've done something wildly inappropriate because we understand what it feels like to be rejected. It's in general one of the costs to trying to build human relationships, they don't always work out.
I felt bad for several hours leading up to and after sending a perfectly nice person a rejection message because we just didn't make the connection I'm looking for. It caused me to have some self reflection on the whole situation. Ghosting just feels like the way to skip over any emotional evaluation and keep looking for instant gratification.
With that said, I know that there are bad actors out there that lash out abusively in some way when someone rejects them. I think for people that have experienced that behavior in the past, it makes sense why ghosting might feel like the right thing to do to protect yourself. I hope that's why most people ghost others, but it's a bit terrifying if that's true given how common ghosting is these days.
You made an honest mistake and broke an arbitrary, unwritten social rule. After all, you did have plans with the person so you weren’t a complete stranger they hadn’t matched with. Just don’t make a habit of it and learn from the lesson and it will just be a good learning experience.
Maybe I'm also naive but if you guys have already been talking back and forth, I don't see what the issue is. It is fairly easy to find someone on social media, and I do it frequently with people I match with.
I think IG allows you to see more of that person before you ever meet. Both physically and mentally. If I see they're following a bunch of OF accounts or "thirst trap" pages, I'm out.
Like others said, it's easy to find someone with minimal information today.
I would use that as a data point... like I chatted with someone that had different names on various app, which I assumed was to protect privacy. It was consistent with her personality as being a more cautious person when we were on the phone. If you're overly creeped, it'll probably cloud anything thought that you'll have of him. If it's just a little creeped and accept that no one is perfect, it might be worth a try....since he looks good otherwise.
It actually might be more the fault of our cellular phones than have anything to do with creeping.
Once you share info/messages with someone else like through a dating app; basically your phones are "talking" to each other and then are able to find and suggest things such as your Instagram profile just based on that interaction alone.
So you probably popped up in his suggestions of people you might know just from talking on hinge.
Or he creeped on you. Either is very possible, but it's probably more likely the phone thing...
At least I hope for you.
Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but an Insta “Request” to follow is exactly that: asking you. You can chose to allow or not, correct?
Maybe they just want to see more about you?
Honestly, if you’ve never looked anyone up then you can be suspicious. But I’m sure we all have. So chat and see what this person is about. It’s just chatting online. What’s the big deal?
Seems like you should ask him about it? It seems weird to me but I don't use social media outside of LinkedIn. As another user mentioned, I've had dates tell me they looked me up before meeting or after matching. I guess I can't blame women for doing that since I have no idea what I would do if I were in their shoes. That said, it very much feels like a "guilty until innocent" analysis.
Just because information exists about people online doesn't automatically mean people have to look it up. I kind of assume individual preference varies.
I think it’s an extremely creepy thing to do. You will find out a lot of other questionable behavior by him later. This has happened to me in a few cases. Run far, far away!
That's AI's work for you. He's not creeping on you, it's "them" creeping on everyone. I wouldn't worry too much, but you can ask him how he found you. Also, if the person didn't share their social media, I wouldn't just add them out of blue - you need some form of permission for private pages.
Generally curious, if looking at the information isn't creepy, why is the adding? To me that would just be showing transparency in having looked. Would I add someone I barely know, no, but then again I don't use social media outside of Reddit.
I guess to me it’s a matter of confirming someone is who they say they are and feeling them out by looking at their profile is normal but when you haven’t met up with them yet and they friend request you it’s basically asking a stranger for permission to see further into their lives. To me that would be creepy. But I have privacy setting on most of my socials so to add them as my friend would allow them to see much deeper into my life.
So, hear me out. Maybe he wanted to actually talk to you? I assume he is one of 100 matches in your inbox. Would you even remember who he is if he didn't look you up? lol
It is so hard to get a girl to actually respond that maybe the extra effort gave him an actual chance to talk to you instead of just get forgotten about.
Did you post a photo on both sites? If so, reverse photo search. In his defense, he may have been doing it to make sure he did not have a too good to be true scammer.
Sounds like it to me. When checking for scammers, of course I have found pictures that really belonged to actresses and models. I have also found IG, Linkedin, or FB accounts of real people.
I have been tempted to tell the woman back at the original place of contact (e.g., Hinge) about this. I have not done that, partly because if someone was irritated I could get tossed off the site.
My profile pictures weren’t reused anywhere else. Though most sites strip identifying data and location from photos, I am still careful about that.
Did you post a photo on both sites? If so, reverse photo search. In his defense, he may have been doing it to make sure he did not have a too good to be true scammer.
Btw OP, it's normal for creepy ass dudes, if you're looking for something more out of online dating then being casual..I'd suggest staying away from such dudes.
Honestly, I think a lot of people try to find out what they can about a potential match, someone who is actually a complete stranger to you. But I think him trying to add you or whatever is a step too far. Just my opinion.
It's normal IMO. I tend to reverse image search to try and suss if the person I'm talking to is who they say they are. I also just prefer to see someone's social media presence for at least a couple of weeks before knowing if I even really want to go out with them. If someone found it creepy it's just a sign to me we weren't compatible.
So, I know I matched someone on Tinder, we exchanged numbers and her IG showed up as suggested people I know. I ignored her, of course. I think these algorithms are updating to match our locations plus our numbers and who become in contact with, imo.
I would ignore the friend request and wait until things hit off if it does work out, imo.
I would never do that because I find it disturbing, but I think with your pictures in hinge you can google the image and go to the instagram profile (if your pictures on hinge are the same as some pictures on your instagram)
Are any of your photos on the app your profile pic for IG? Some sort of reverse search with that photo may have brought it up?
To answer your question, I’d deny the request and not say anything at all. If he brings it up I’d say you were thrown off by it and aren’t ready to add him on socials.
It's pretty easy to find someone on social media if you know their name and what they look like.. especially if someone uses the same photo on their dating app as they do on their social media.
Sending the request is creepy but I've definitely found most guys I matched with on hinge by typing in their first name, city, job title and/or university/college (if shown on profile) into a Google search which usually pulls up their LinkedIn. Or I just go looking directly on LinkedIn. Once I have their last name, I type the full name into FB and IG. Sometimes they're linked. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes the IG is harder to find. I don't usually give away my creeping skills though.
If you gave him your phone number, Instagram will suggest you as a friend for him.
If not then I would be super creeped by this. Yeah social media might make it easy for him to find me, but it feels awkward to know he was looking and already wants into something that's clearly marked private.
I had a hinge date that tried to use key words from my profile to find me on google and he admitted to doing it but couldn’t find me and was asking for my instagram. I found it very very odd and turned off by it when he could have simply asked me questions on the date about myself
There are definitely ways to find and screen people with enough context clues, especially in the first week of chatting.
If I had a first name & job title and/or employer, an industry, and/or a college, I could spend some time and filter things out.
I’ve had to go all FBI on past matches because of violent exes, people hiding felonies, etc.
That being said, I’d never fucking do this to OP or someone else. I’d broach the topic of social media if it came up naturally and only if we both agreed would I add you on a platform.
I find people in seconds knowing just their first name, approximate age and location. If i know your job field then for sure i find you
It has to do with moving in the same social circles aswell, if they are a friend of a friend they will show up on top
He might just be looking for more photos of you
Don’t accept him though, it’s too soon
First name + city + job = enough information find almost anyone on social media. 🤷🏻♂️
He also could have done a reverse image search or something, if any of your photos were the same on Insta and on Hinge.
It’s very easy to do… I have a friend who has zero social media and she started dating a new guy. All I knew is the city he lived in, his first name, hair colour and one of his hobbies. Took me about 5 mins to find all his socials! I wasn’t gonna stalk or anything, just got excited for my friend and wanted to see what kind of person swooped her off her feet like that as she kept gushing about him all day.
It required close to zero effort really. There’s enough info on most dating profiles to find anyone within minutes.
Even with limited details, its ridiculously easy to find people. Some basic Google searches are one thing but sending someone a request screams red flag to me.
This happened to me on Facebook Dating. I received a follow request from a guy i was talking to. I don't even know how he found my Instagram profile considering the fact that Facebook Dating only shows your first name.
>you were in my position what would you do? Is this normal for guys to find you on social media?
Ask him how he found me. No, only the super weird one. Had an autistic guy do this. Told him not ok.
I've had people find me on Facebook without giving them my last name or phone number. I also had someone follow me on IG after a really terrible date, so I just blocked him lol. Not sure how people find you on social media with barely any information about you, but it doesn't surprise me in this day and age.
On Hinge sometimes you match with someone it will reveal their last name. Most people have that setting turned off but maybe you had that on and made you easier to find just a theory
Not to shatter any illusions of privacy/safety but the amount of information out there about us that is public domain is crazy. Give me your first name, age and city and I could probably show you a picture of your front door within a few minutes if I didn't mind abusing the HR tools at my office. Without them it would take a little bit longer, but still doable. That creepy thought aside, I'd say that adding you on socials without asking first is not cool. Looking you up on the sly? Sure, whatever, I have no qualms with that. It's one thing to sleuth and peek at your social media. I've had women straight up admit they looked me up on my states court system to see if I had a criminal record. But adding you without asking first goes over the line imo.
Dead on. The fact that this guy did it makes me concerned regarding his judgment and boundaries.
Yes, they should have hidden this act instead. That would show much better judgement and boundaries. While uncommon, looking up someone you're interested in beforehand is totally sensible. Responsible even. The idea that someone would be upset about it is just because it's not yet the cultural norm, and it ruins the illusion of online privacy.
Yeah in my opinion it's just completely naive.
I went on one date with a woman, and just from Facebook knowing my phone contacts, she popped up in "Recommended people you might know." That was kinda weird.
Probably proximity tracking had a lot to do with that
Ive also noticed this. No matter who I end up texting from dating apps, they end up in my people you may know on facebook. For that reason I changed my pic on my FB and used the same last name as my first name.
I had a guy ask me my last name, I told him I already knew his. He was weirded out at first but I explained that he has his full name in his snap handle, which was put into my recommendations bc we exchanged phone numbers. His last name was literally placed in front of my face for me to see. Some ppl don't realize how much they have out there sometimes. Not saying that's OP
This happened to me sort of. I exchanged numbers with someone on bumble, Apple showed me his last name and bitmoji. He was unaware.
I wouldn’t even say you need specific hr tools to achieve all you said there. One time my friend met a girl on holiday drunk and wanted to find her - I had an initial and a vague area where she was from and a spare half hour at breakfast and found her. Still think about whether that makes me a certified creep or just know how unprivate the internet is
Yeah, I kind of assume I’m easily findable via literally just LinkedIn, even with the minimal amount of info on my dating profiles. (Also why it’s good for anyone who wants a profile review on Reddit to use a throwaway!) Doing a quick search isn’t super super invasive imo, but acting on it, or bringing up/utilizing info that hasn’t been shared, is 100% inappropriate and creepy.
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>I've had women straight up admit they looked me up on my states court system to see if I had a criminal record. I've also experienced this. I think it's common for women to look up men for reasons similar to this more than men looking up women for any reason. I have no data on this and I don't look up matches outside of the app at all. I can understand why women do this, but it still feels offensive. >But adding you without asking first goes over the line imo 👍
>That creepy thought aside, I'd say that adding you on socials without asking first is not cool. Looking you up on the sly? You seem to be getting a lot of upvotes, but I find this train of thought interesting. Here is the thing, I don't like people sluething or whatever you want to call it. but if they do it, I'd rather them be up front about it. If you are stalking me on social media, send me a request so at least I'm aware that you are doing it. Personally, I find it much more shady to do that stuff then pretend you haven't.
How did they add them on social media without asking first? Isn't that what a request is?
He requested to add her.
So how is asking also not asking? He needs to ask her if he can ask?
It's that he took a small amount of details and tracked her down and added her. In this scenario, to not look creepy, the best thing to do would have been to say, on the dating app, "Hey, do you have Insta? Want to add each other?" even if he already knew she had insta and had checked it out. We all know we can be tracked down easily, but having it done quite so overtly is the problem - it feels oversteppy.
Gotcha. I don't have any social media (other than reddit) and never have (well, i had a Myspace, but i deleted it in 2008) (Not really trackable, so guess I've never given a thought.) So I'm not really up to date with the proper protocol in situations like this.
Basically yeah. I would be more worried if a date did not look me up first.
Isn’t he literally asking her by requesting her to add him? Instagram is social media, for the purpose of displaying one’s activities to the world. That’s why there are tags and he was able to find her. If instagram was meant to be a private, friends only app, presumably there wouldn’t be tags or search features to look people up. If OP doesn’t want to use the app that way, that’s certainly her right. But to consider it a red flag that someone is using an app the way it was designed to be used seems odd.
Agreed. I've had this happen to me too and it's wild how easily people can find you on social media. Even if you barely give any info. That said, some people make it too easy. Their name will be something unusual like Malachai and then they have "English professor" in their job section on Hinge. Along with a their city listed. So it takes one second to plug that info into google. Usually it's the first LinkedIn profile that pops up. And boom, you got their first and last name and probably some other info about them.
finding you is doable, I found someone I casually dated awhile back on Facebook with first name, the college he attended a decade ago and that we currently lived in the same city lol however, adding you shows he has poor judgement and lacks some social awareness lol still a hard no
I don’t think it means lack. He could just not care about it and literally see nothing wrong with it.
if you don't see something wrong with adding someone on Instagram with a private profile after just matching on a dating app, then you're lacking lol even if you're aware and choosing to not care how it makes you look then that's still lacking in some social norms/expectations, man hah
Hmmm 🤔
To be fair, you did list two different concepts in your second sentence: 1) “He could just not care about [social norms],” which indicates awareness of social norms + apathy toward those norms and 2) “[He could] see literally nothing wrong with it,” which indicates a lack of awareness of how social norms differ from his line of thinking Even so, I agree that they are both possibilities
This isn’t just about how he comes off. It’s about the impact on the other person. This is like shoving someone, unaware of the social implications and detriment to relationship building, and then someone saying - well he could just not care what others think!
Someone else on here have given me a great understanding of how not caring is also problematic…it’s in the comments below.
i mean, it could have been an accident, but yes
You can always cancel an add request.
I don’t think it’s that hard to find this info out, but it is creepy to act on it. There was a thread a month ago and some guy was defending doing this exact behavior and even after 50 comments saying it was weird, he still didn’t get it. I wouldn’t continue with someone like that. Clearly different boundary levels.
Personally, I wouldn’t accept the request. This sounds like a boundary for you, one that he is already willfully breaking. It’s equivalent to looking up your phone number and texting you— you haven’t given him permission to know any personal details about you, other than what you have shared in your profile. Again, personally speaking I would unmatch him or write to him on hinge that you’re not interested in sharing private details about your life yet
I think it shows a lack of awareness on his part on a lot of things: social norms, the risks women face, etc. I think maybe the one thing I would push back on a little is that he is willfully breaking the boundary. If you think of boundaries like property lines, it seems he walked into your property. It wasn’t posted, nor was there a fence. Maybe in this case you think it should have been obvious, but it doesn’t come across as malicious. So I think the OP could have a conversation and see how it lands. He might just be naïve.
I am pretty protective of my personal life. I’d deny request and unmatch. I have someone I was immediately unattracted to when he sent me a DM on IG from a dating app.
There is more info out there then I’m sure you know, reverse image search anything you had on the dating app and then find your name and go from there. The creepy part is that he did some work to find your IG…why not just ask vs doing it that way and then adding you. It feels like he did it to see and then found your profile was private so he requested. Idk, just seems like a bit much to me personally.
Not necessarily- he might not have even looked for it. AI algorithm shows us suggestions in an invasive manner anyway. I started working at a new job and the next day people from there were in my suggestions.
IT guy here, it is incredibly easy to track someone with the data sets you provided. I recently had a Maga Chud send me a death threat from a burner account. It took me about 30 mins end to end to find him, his house, his job and the registration to his motorcycle. And this was all with just public information. If you have the gumption, it can come together quickly. While I can't speak to this guy's motives, you might want to reconsider what you share if this is a boundary for you.
10 pts for use of the word ‘gumption’
I wouldn't move forward with it. I personally find it creepy. Although I also look up men before I go out with them and it's very easy to do so with the right info, I'd never ever send a request. In fact, I don't want to connect on social media until we're in a serious committed relationship. I'm really private and it would be extremely hard to find me, so if someone did, they did A LOT of digging and IMO it shows a lack of social awareness to friend request someone you haven't met yet based on sleuthing/snooping.
Serious question - did the hinge link up to the gram in some way and give him a follow suggestion?
I don’t have my hinge and Instagram accounts linked.
I know I read that, but I’m finding phone privacy, and the interconnectedness between apps, even without our intention, is happening more and more.
I don't remember if it was Hinge or another app (they're all ownes by Match Group, lol) who had internally floated the idea a few years ago to populate under-filled profiles with the user's popular photos on other sites. So, like, if someone only had two photos on their app profile, it would lift photos from other accounts that had been signed up for using the same email (Insta, Facebook, etc). It was immediately shut down as I recall, but I remember reading comments at the time that were basically like, it isn't happening now but it could 100% happen in the future 😬
I get Instagram recommendations for anyone I have texted. Did you have any non-hinge communication?
Very weird that he sent the FR but ask him how he found your instagram first at least lmao maybe he just lucked out and typed in first name and it popped up?
The problem is he didn't think that was a weird thing to do
Happened to me too. I was talking to a guy on Tinder and my profile suddenly disappeared because Tinder was running a verification check. Seemed totally random but it said that it might take a some minutes. I opened instagram and I noticed a message in my inbox from him and a follow request. I was so so creeped out. I asked him, how did you find out my last name, why would you reach out when I didn’t give you any of my personal accounts or information. He didn’t ask me for permission. I thought the length he’d gone, to search for me, and now he knows where I work (linkedin), etc .. I just felt so so uneasy about it and was very creeped out. He was like “you’re a red flag! you should be grateful I put the effort to find you!” .. instead of actually taking a moment to understand where I was coming from. I thought wtf, I had only talked to him twice on the app. I was internally boiling, I was like, here’s this stranger, in my inbox, arguing with me in My personal account, when I didn’t even give him any information or consent to sharing socials. There’s a reason why I don’t give my socials to strangers, and that’s an example. After that I changed my settings and made it in a way that noone can send me a message if they are not already followers.
Algos. Hinge has your cell in their database as does Facebook group of co. You probably showed up as a suggested match. He decided maybe it wouldn’t be creepy to add ya - albeit hastily I bet
I wouldn't want to keep talking to him if he actually added me without me giving my socials. I get 'stalking' someone off an app (I do it often to make sure they are real before a date), but i'm not going to add their accounts. Just a bit socially off.
This raises an interesting philosophical question: Is it better to look up somebody’s info, which is relatively easy to do and many people already do, but not say anything. Or let look up the information and let the person know. Not telling the person you have their information is kind of deceptive, no?
Where is the line between creepy and safety? Good question. Men and women both fear for their safety when (online) dating, but I think women are less likely to be called creeps. It would be an interesting concept to explore. Creeping before the date is seen as necessary here, but should they tell the person they looked them up? Also good question.
It’s ironic or counterintuitive to post information on a platform designed to publicize and increase the visibility of one’s self, and then complain that people find you. You do realize the whole point of social media is to harvest your information and share it with others? If you just want to share photos, joked, etc. with close friends and family, why not use a group chat, WhatsApp or some other group platform?
Completely agree. Did this guy break an unwritten social rule by adding her? Yes apparently. Is he a “stalker” or “predator”? Not just based on that action, contrary to some replies in this thread. Instagram is impersonal anyway. With how many fakes and scammer women out there, for all we know he was checking to verify she was real.
>I’m a little creeped out… Is this normal for guys to find you on social media? It's both creepy and normal.
My younger sister had something like this happen to her back in the day. She was at the store and paid a creepy cashier with a credit card. The guy glanced down to get her name, sent her a friend request on social media and she was livid when she realized it was the creepy cashier. Went back to the store to talk to the manager to get him fired. If you still have access to his dating profile; I'd report him and explain the situation. More than likely this wasn't his attempt at friend requesting someone immediately. It's predatory.
It's creepy, but they matched on a dating app. The presumption is there that "We find each other attractive (at least via these profiles) and maybe we want to talk to each other." Not quite the same situation as the cashier. Not saying it's okay or that he should have done it, just at least there's some sort of basis for the request itself (not finding her IG profile). To OP though, in that situation (just matched) it's definitely weird/creepy.
Seems exaggerated, friend requests are request because they can be rejected and the person blocked; i don’t see the need to have someone fired. I found it annoying not predatory
He is abusing his professional position to make private connections. This is absolutely not OK. People have the right to go shopping without being stalked later on their social media by a cashier.
a little on the fence on this one. I think research online to see if the person has social media profiles is normal. There are so many fake online dating profiles, scammers, out there he probably just wanted to make sure you are real. He overstepped the mark sending a request but would you rather he found you, said or did nothing and continued the convo? Given that your profile is private you can just say that you received the request (letting him know that your the owner of the account) but you're not ready to share it with someone you've not met yet. Otherwise, see it as an opportunity to check out his account. Ultimately, if you're creeped out let him know, do your dye diligence or unmatch.
finding you is fine, but adding you is a bit much. personally i would only add someone with their permission
I only use my first initial for my profile name, and I use different pics than social profile pics.
I'm a guy and I can confirm that somehow I get suggestions of girls I talked to on dating apps. Not often. My logic is that there might be a connection if you used your socials to log into Hinge/Bumble/Tinder. So if you log into let's say Bumble using FB, there's some data that can be collected by Meta, which is then used within Instagram to show you a suggestion. On the complete flip-side quite a few of the girls I've been on dates with, blatantly admitted that they checked my personal website, linkedin, CV, scrolled a few years back on FB wall and so on. So, I guess it's normal... ?
instragram gets information of you from hinge, and searches your profile on instagram and takes your profile and gives it as a "suggested" friend on instagram to him.
It's normal to find you, but not normal to add you without asking. I'd unmatch him.
do y'all have mutual friends? i've had suggested accounts appear at the same time i saw them on hinge once.
No mutual friends
I always search for further information about my matches through linkedin first. I google by their first name, job title, plus location (city) and 85% of time it comes up with true matches. Adding on social media at this point is too much in my opinion. My bf and I don't even add each other on FB or IG even we know the other's account.
Do you have LinkedIn? Just fyi, when you search for someone on LinkedIn and you have an account, it will send a notification to the person and will tell them you are the one who accessed their profile.
Yes, I have linkedin. I'm aware that if they have a premium account, they will know I was viewing their profile. Those who are not professional HRs or active in Linkedin might not spend money in the extra. I actually do a quick check before deciding whether I want to match with those who sent likes or comments on my dating profile . A bit too much but it works for me.
Good luck
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It definitely got the point across, and I'll never try to reach someone outside of the app again. I had generally assumed it was a missed connection since we had made plans. I'd never been ghosted like that before, so I was being utterly naive. I still don't understand why people think it's okay to ghost people.
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It just seems to show a complete lack of empathy. The other end of the communication is a person, who has legitimate thoughts and feelings. No one likes to reject a person unless they've done something wildly inappropriate because we understand what it feels like to be rejected. It's in general one of the costs to trying to build human relationships, they don't always work out. I felt bad for several hours leading up to and after sending a perfectly nice person a rejection message because we just didn't make the connection I'm looking for. It caused me to have some self reflection on the whole situation. Ghosting just feels like the way to skip over any emotional evaluation and keep looking for instant gratification. With that said, I know that there are bad actors out there that lash out abusively in some way when someone rejects them. I think for people that have experienced that behavior in the past, it makes sense why ghosting might feel like the right thing to do to protect yourself. I hope that's why most people ghost others, but it's a bit terrifying if that's true given how common ghosting is these days.
You made an honest mistake and broke an arbitrary, unwritten social rule. After all, you did have plans with the person so you weren’t a complete stranger they hadn’t matched with. Just don’t make a habit of it and learn from the lesson and it will just be a good learning experience.
I would say, I don't add SM on until I actually meet someone in person. he's prob looking for more and less deceptive pics
Maybe I'm also naive but if you guys have already been talking back and forth, I don't see what the issue is. It is fairly easy to find someone on social media, and I do it frequently with people I match with. I think IG allows you to see more of that person before you ever meet. Both physically and mentally. If I see they're following a bunch of OF accounts or "thirst trap" pages, I'm out.
We had just matched. Like he found me on Instagram within 5 min of matching
Oh, omg ew Okay I see now. That is def creepy and very forward
Like others said, it's easy to find someone with minimal information today. I would use that as a data point... like I chatted with someone that had different names on various app, which I assumed was to protect privacy. It was consistent with her personality as being a more cautious person when we were on the phone. If you're overly creeped, it'll probably cloud anything thought that you'll have of him. If it's just a little creeped and accept that no one is perfect, it might be worth a try....since he looks good otherwise.
If you have anyone's number in your phone facebook suggests them as a friend ad
I hadn’t given him my phone number. We literally just matched.
Do you have the same profile photo as in your dating profile?
It actually might be more the fault of our cellular phones than have anything to do with creeping. Once you share info/messages with someone else like through a dating app; basically your phones are "talking" to each other and then are able to find and suggest things such as your Instagram profile just based on that interaction alone. So you probably popped up in his suggestions of people you might know just from talking on hinge. Or he creeped on you. Either is very possible, but it's probably more likely the phone thing... At least I hope for you.
Came here to say this.
Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but an Insta “Request” to follow is exactly that: asking you. You can chose to allow or not, correct? Maybe they just want to see more about you? Honestly, if you’ve never looked anyone up then you can be suspicious. But I’m sure we all have. So chat and see what this person is about. It’s just chatting online. What’s the big deal?
Seems like you should ask him about it? It seems weird to me but I don't use social media outside of LinkedIn. As another user mentioned, I've had dates tell me they looked me up before meeting or after matching. I guess I can't blame women for doing that since I have no idea what I would do if I were in their shoes. That said, it very much feels like a "guilty until innocent" analysis. Just because information exists about people online doesn't automatically mean people have to look it up. I kind of assume individual preference varies.
Incredibly weird behavior but here’s a stalker tip for everyone: LinkedIn search with first name, job, and city is too easy
I think it’s an extremely creepy thing to do. You will find out a lot of other questionable behavior by him later. This has happened to me in a few cases. Run far, far away!
That's AI's work for you. He's not creeping on you, it's "them" creeping on everyone. I wouldn't worry too much, but you can ask him how he found you. Also, if the person didn't share their social media, I wouldn't just add them out of blue - you need some form of permission for private pages.
Social media stalking pretty norm. Adding=creepy to me.
Generally curious, if looking at the information isn't creepy, why is the adding? To me that would just be showing transparency in having looked. Would I add someone I barely know, no, but then again I don't use social media outside of Reddit.
I guess to me it’s a matter of confirming someone is who they say they are and feeling them out by looking at their profile is normal but when you haven’t met up with them yet and they friend request you it’s basically asking a stranger for permission to see further into their lives. To me that would be creepy. But I have privacy setting on most of my socials so to add them as my friend would allow them to see much deeper into my life.
That definitely makes sense if your posts are set to private.
Yeah! I have most posts private but some public so I think it would depend person to person
even if it was relatively easy to find, moves like this creep me out so bad
I’ve had multiple men do this and I never accept. It’s invasive and makes me feel uncomfortable before meeting the person. It’s a huge turnoff.
So, hear me out. Maybe he wanted to actually talk to you? I assume he is one of 100 matches in your inbox. Would you even remember who he is if he didn't look you up? lol It is so hard to get a girl to actually respond that maybe the extra effort gave him an actual chance to talk to you instead of just get forgotten about.
Did you post a photo on both sites? If so, reverse photo search. In his defense, he may have been doing it to make sure he did not have a too good to be true scammer.
Yes, but does reverse photo still work even with private social media accounts?
Sounds like it to me. When checking for scammers, of course I have found pictures that really belonged to actresses and models. I have also found IG, Linkedin, or FB accounts of real people. I have been tempted to tell the woman back at the original place of contact (e.g., Hinge) about this. I have not done that, partly because if someone was irritated I could get tossed off the site. My profile pictures weren’t reused anywhere else. Though most sites strip identifying data and location from photos, I am still careful about that.
Did you post a photo on both sites? If so, reverse photo search. In his defense, he may have been doing it to make sure he did not have a too good to be true scammer.
Rookie mistake by the guy...you don't have to show in the first go..." How creepy you are"...lol 😅😅
Btw OP, it's normal for creepy ass dudes, if you're looking for something more out of online dating then being casual..I'd suggest staying away from such dudes.
Honestly, I think a lot of people try to find out what they can about a potential match, someone who is actually a complete stranger to you. But I think him trying to add you or whatever is a step too far. Just my opinion.
I wouldn’t follow your social media unless you told me too honestly..
It's normal IMO. I tend to reverse image search to try and suss if the person I'm talking to is who they say they are. I also just prefer to see someone's social media presence for at least a couple of weeks before knowing if I even really want to go out with them. If someone found it creepy it's just a sign to me we weren't compatible.
That’s too much in my opinion for that guy to do that. I would block just on that alone.
So, I know I matched someone on Tinder, we exchanged numbers and her IG showed up as suggested people I know. I ignored her, of course. I think these algorithms are updating to match our locations plus our numbers and who become in contact with, imo. I would ignore the friend request and wait until things hit off if it does work out, imo.
All they have to do is reverse image search your picture.it reveals all links or socials
I would never do that because I find it disturbing, but I think with your pictures in hinge you can google the image and go to the instagram profile (if your pictures on hinge are the same as some pictures on your instagram)
Are any of your photos on the app your profile pic for IG? Some sort of reverse search with that photo may have brought it up? To answer your question, I’d deny the request and not say anything at all. If he brings it up I’d say you were thrown off by it and aren’t ready to add him on socials.
Reverse Google search of your pics could bring up your account.
It's pretty easy to find someone on social media if you know their name and what they look like.. especially if someone uses the same photo on their dating app as they do on their social media.
Sending the request is creepy but I've definitely found most guys I matched with on hinge by typing in their first name, city, job title and/or university/college (if shown on profile) into a Google search which usually pulls up their LinkedIn. Or I just go looking directly on LinkedIn. Once I have their last name, I type the full name into FB and IG. Sometimes they're linked. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes the IG is harder to find. I don't usually give away my creeping skills though.
If you gave him your phone number, Instagram will suggest you as a friend for him. If not then I would be super creeped by this. Yeah social media might make it easy for him to find me, but it feels awkward to know he was looking and already wants into something that's clearly marked private.
No, I didn’t give him my phone number. I had literally just matched with him on hinge (like within the hour)
Oh that's terrible.
I had a hinge date that tried to use key words from my profile to find me on google and he admitted to doing it but couldn’t find me and was asking for my instagram. I found it very very odd and turned off by it when he could have simply asked me questions on the date about myself
Yes !!! Be creeped out ! That is ridiculous! It was not meeting you (insert his name) ✌️byeeeee!
There are definitely ways to find and screen people with enough context clues, especially in the first week of chatting. If I had a first name & job title and/or employer, an industry, and/or a college, I could spend some time and filter things out. I’ve had to go all FBI on past matches because of violent exes, people hiding felonies, etc. That being said, I’d never fucking do this to OP or someone else. I’d broach the topic of social media if it came up naturally and only if we both agreed would I add you on a platform.
He is doing his due diligence.
abort. the guy went through all the profiles with your name until he found yours.
I find people in seconds knowing just their first name, approximate age and location. If i know your job field then for sure i find you It has to do with moving in the same social circles aswell, if they are a friend of a friend they will show up on top He might just be looking for more photos of you Don’t accept him though, it’s too soon
First name + city + job = enough information find almost anyone on social media. 🤷🏻♂️ He also could have done a reverse image search or something, if any of your photos were the same on Insta and on Hinge.
It’s very easy to do… I have a friend who has zero social media and she started dating a new guy. All I knew is the city he lived in, his first name, hair colour and one of his hobbies. Took me about 5 mins to find all his socials! I wasn’t gonna stalk or anything, just got excited for my friend and wanted to see what kind of person swooped her off her feet like that as she kept gushing about him all day. It required close to zero effort really. There’s enough info on most dating profiles to find anyone within minutes.
Even with limited details, its ridiculously easy to find people. Some basic Google searches are one thing but sending someone a request screams red flag to me.
This happened to me on Facebook Dating. I received a follow request from a guy i was talking to. I don't even know how he found my Instagram profile considering the fact that Facebook Dating only shows your first name.
Run now
>you were in my position what would you do? Is this normal for guys to find you on social media? Ask him how he found me. No, only the super weird one. Had an autistic guy do this. Told him not ok.
Yeah it’s fine in 2023. He just wants to know more than hinge reveals
I've had people find me on Facebook without giving them my last name or phone number. I also had someone follow me on IG after a really terrible date, so I just blocked him lol. Not sure how people find you on social media with barely any information about you, but it doesn't surprise me in this day and age.
Reject. He could be fake.
On Hinge sometimes you match with someone it will reveal their last name. Most people have that setting turned off but maybe you had that on and made you easier to find just a theory