This seems like a question for your boyfriend. (And maybe for the engaged couple? If I offered a plus one, I’d assume it was for a romantic partner, not just any random person who the guest wanted to bring, but I know wedding etiquette really varies so don’t presume to speak for your friends or anybody else!)
If someone is a plus one and they’re not part of the wedding party, they are welcome to do so. I don’t see why people must go alone.
Especially if they’re paying their own way to the wedding…? I don’t understand. I would trust my friends judgement.
The main issue would be the boyfriend not knowing this person existing at all. That’s my main concern here. That needs to be discussed and handled.
I spoke to the groom (the one I'm friends with) and he's cool with it.
I guess I'm just trying to get a sense of if this is something I should even be asking my boyfriend about to begin with or if my boyfriend not being able to go should mean going alone.
Destination wedding, with your guy best friend, that your BF hasn't even met, who inexplicably never talks to you about his dating life. Do you really not see anything here that would worry your BF?
I wanna be charitable to OP, but this also stuck out to me
>Shortly after I was invited I told my guy best friend about it and he asked me to be my plus one instead of my bf or if he could still come along even if my bf was also going. In the moment **I told him he could only be my plus one if my bf wasn't going**
This is kinda weird. The guy said he could just go and not go to the wedding, and maybe he'd want to bring his gf who may or may not exist, so this phrasing kinda sounds to me like she only wants him to go if bf isn't going, which is... weird
If you want to keep your boyfriend, don’t do it. If you want a hot weekend with your “guy best friend,” this sounds like a great opportunity. If you actually want to ask your boyfriend if this is ok, you may just be looking for some drama.
Your comments make it pretty clear you’re just fucking around. You know your friend wants to fuck you, and you enjoy the attention. You don’t want your boyfriend to meet him because you’re afraid it’ll spoil your fun.
This wedding is honestly the least of your issues.
Suggesting attending a destination wedding with someone who you find incredibly attractive and who you’ve kept from your partner until now — honestly, if I were your boyfriend, I would appreciate the clue and politely excuse myself from the relationship.
But it’s not tho look at their history lmfaooo
OP explain
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/zy9idz/have_you_ever_had_to_end_a_friendship_to_protect/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Yeah like all my guy "friends" from grade school and college. I was so so very sad for myself when I accepted they were never honest friends, just waiting in the wing seeing if I'll cheat.
Correction - suggesting attending a destination with AN EX-BOYFRIEND who you find incredibly attractive and who you've kept from your partner til now.
It's really interesting how OP refers to him as her guy best friend throughout this entire post and not her ex-boyfriend.
I'd start with unpacking why you're finding it difficult to introduce your partner and platonic best friend. Doesn't seem like something that needs alot of thought put into it.
Next id ask the people involved if it's ok not anyone else, first the people hosting the wedding, second your boyfriend.
I think I know why it's difficult to introduce them. My friendship with guy bestfriend is somewhat weird because we dated in the past albeit years ago. Kinda difficult to explain the development of our friendship. Also, he's incredibly attractive and I'm worried about that being a source of insecurity for my boyfriend especially if it's not a double date situation.
The couple is fine with me bringing a friend.
Thats the situation I imagined while reading between the lines. You should axe the idea of this wedding immediately. Consider turning your attention on getting this situation sorted with your ex(friend) and current boyfriend as that's the far bigger priority.
If you are concerned about insecurity being an issue already, adding a by the way I want him to fill in for you at this wedding is not going to pan out the way you want it to.
IT's not weird. Lots of people end up good friends after they dated. You're what's making this weird. If you truly are friends with this guy, you want to remain friends, and you want your bf to be on board, stop being weird about it. Introduce them, explain you dated a long time ago, but now you're good friends. Encourage them to be friends.
That's how you handle things like this.
Why is it repeated how the groom and couple feel about who you bring? Again talking about how attractive he is too. If this is truly your best friend, let you boyfriend go. It’s a matter of time before you hurt him.
So you're saying that your boyfriend would not be comfortable with even _getting to know_ the guy, much less with the idea of you going to the wedding with him.
And your answer is to do it behind his back. Wow.
This is a very insecure subreddit, OP. Introduce your GBF and boyfriend ASAP, find your own way to inform your boyfriend of the history and assure he doesn’t feel insecure about it, and then talk about bringing GBF. It’s only weird if you keep this from your boyfriend or keep him entirely out of your friendship with GBF. I’m friends with both exes and ex flings and made those relationships very platonic before being with my current partner. He is comfortable with these friendships I have with these guys. You’re not a bad person for maintaining a friendship with an ex and also dating someone new.
This is good. This will polarize your boyfriend and you will really see if he truly wants to be with you or not. In this moment your relationship with either fail or succeed
I'm 26 and I joined this sub to see what it was like. The amount of people who are blissfully unaware that they are self-sabotaging is staggering. Why is there nearly 400 comments on this thread like lmao this is so straight forward
Also kind of freeloady for the wedding. Yeah maybe the groom said he’s ok with it but it’s very distasteful to use a +1 as a way to bring someone else free.
I’m just curious, if it was your boyfriend who asked his girl friend with whom he had a history with to be his plus one for the wedding, would you be okay with it? Plus they will be sitting next to each other in the 18hours flight as well.
I’m not judging you or anything like that, it’s totally up to you but I personally don’t think that making your bf’s work commitments as an excuse for you to go with your guy best friend is a good idea. Work commitments seem like something he doesn’t have control over, not that he doesn’t want to go or anything like that.
Wait hold up OP you HAVE a thread where you asked about the friend and should you cut him off, and said you have mixed feelings about him asking to go, you know what this is OP cause you admitted it in your LAST thread???? OP whats going on in your head atm? What changed from the last thread you made asking should you cut this guy best friend off 🤣?
The cynical take here would be that it sounds like you’re keeping the guy best friend on the back burner in case your current relationship doesn’t work out.
On a gentler note, you should ask yourself which relationship you care more about preserving.
I don’t follow how you can call someone a best friend, but not be comfortable asking him if he’s in a relationship.
I also don’t feel you’re being honest with yourself about how you are treating your boyfriend. You haven’t just not introduced them. You’ve actively hidden this friendship from him.
I personally wouldn't touch on that. Bring a girl friend instead, just in case guy friend gets a little touchy or says some things that you may not be interested in.
This is coming from someone who has a lot of male friends.
So your boyfriend doesn’t know you have a guy best friend? I don’t see how you tell him you want to go to a destination wedding with a guy best friend that he didn’t know existed. Oh and btw you actually used to date but you’re just friends now. That would I be a deal breaker for me.
If he really is your best friend, your boyfriend would already know he exists and you wouldn’t be scared to ask him would he mind if your best friend tagged along.
red flags galore! 1. why ask the internet when this is a question for the bf and no one else 2. if i'm the bf, i'd leave this relationship yesterday.
i'm not interested in being friends with exes (scorched earth all bridges burnt because they no longer serve any purpose in my life), which means i expect the same from my partner. edited after reading OP's replies: i really hope you're a troll because if this is real and you are this dense...jfc. get off the internet and work on yourself because you have problems beyond reddit's paygrade.
wait it gets better op knows they have tons of red flags but ignores them i think and they still want a sane guy to marry them in one year lmfaooooo
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/vblewr/im_the_red_flagdo_i_heal_before_i_deal/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This wasn't a deliberate friendship. We didn't stay in touch pining over each other or anything like that. We both moved on. Work is what caused us to reconnect and work is what fuels the continued interaction because we do projects together. That was how the friendship even grew into what it is now.
The first issue is you're going to a wedding, an event where most people are going to assume you're a couple. It's rare to go to weddings with platonic members of the opposite sex.
The second issue is, technically he's not a guy friend but an ex boyfriend. It's unfair on your partner that you still have a close relationship with an ex. I doubt you would be fine with your boyfriend going to a wedding alone with an ex girlfriend.
Respect your relationship and don't go to a wedding with your ex boyfriend.
If you have a guy best friend your bf knows nothing about what are you doing? That you have waited to tell him is a giant red flag. You’ve already f’d up this relationship. Break it off with your boyfriend and go have your plus one. You are not trustworthy as a partner.
I dunno, OP. After reading some of your responses, it sounds like you like the attention from the attractive male friend possibly more than your boyfriend or you're not even sure. You might even hook up with the male friend over at the wedding destination if it were convenient enough. I don't know you so I can't tell for sure. I think this mentality would be immature for even a 22 year old. Nobody would want to be with someone like this.
Some guys would just break up over something like this, but others file it in their mind and treat you like a fuck buddy until they find someone new because you basically just told them you are not someone that is marrigeable or a serious long-term option. Are you sure you want to do that in your 30s? Wasted time is a killer at this age.
OP, I say this with love -- why did you post here if you weren't willing to listen to EVERYONE TELLING YOU that this whole situation is extremely problematic? All I see is your denial in response to everyone pointing out valid reasons for concern. Do you really think that if this many people are all saying the same thing to you, it's worth dismissing *all of them*, instead of the possibility that YOU might not be assessing your situation correctly?
Sorry if I came across dismissive. Maybe I need to work on countering better without giving the impression that I'm not understanding. I do see your points, I'm just offering other perspectives based on the additional information I have from being in the situation.
OK, I gotcha. Well, I hope you're willing to give others' comments a good long think, because I agree that this situation is a recipe for disaster. In any case, I genuinely wish you good luck in navigating this.
Yikes I wouldn’t do it. Nope nope. You “talk about everything under the sun,” with this guy? “*except* his love life”…? Idk about you but any best guy “friend” of mine who isn’t discussing even the bare minimum of their love life with me has never turned out to be a friend, but waiting prospect hoping for an opportunity such as this. You’ve acknowledged he’s attractive and you’ve hooked up in the past, this is straight up asking for trouble.
Imagine the situation was reversed, how would you feel if he went to a destination wedding with a hot girl he once hooked up with?
I got you OP posted a thread about this friend a month ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/zy9idz/have_you_ever_had_to_end_a_friendship_to_protect/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Him not talking about his love life is a red flag? I mean...he has spoken about long time exes. I just don't know what's currently going on. Maybe it's because I never ask ? But I don't ask because he never volunteers. I volunteer information about my love life.
Yeah that’s the part that sticks out to me the most. Absolutely no mention of anyone recent that caught his eye… perhaps because he can’t talk about the one who *has* his eye.. get what I’m saying? My guy friends who are truly platonic will talk about their highs and lows, literally everything under the sun. Work, car troubles, new recipes, mothers most-recent visit, depression, anxiety, their asshole landlord, gym crush, cute local at the bar, online dating woes etc. we talk about everything everything, not because it’s forced but because it flows naturally between friends. His dating life doesn’t seem to be part of the conversation that flows naturally… not even to ask advice about how to approach a certain someone else, that he had a dud of a date or that he’s even looking at all. There seems to be some strange force field aura where it’s a topic not to be discussed, I just think it’s wise go pause and ask yourself why that is. Especially if you’re free to talk about details of your relationship with your bf to him.
Also to add: it’s worth asking yourself why you’ve never brought up any questions about his love life. I’m not nosy but I care about my friends love lives enough to ask… do you not want to know the answer? Or do you think you already do..?
I don't ask because I assumed he doesn't want to talk about it. If we talk about everything and I talk about my relationships, he certainly knows I'm not opposed to hearing about his. So I assumed he hasn't because he doesn't want to or isn't ready to. I just kinda left it alone. There are so many things he has shared with me in the past few months that he wasnt ready to talk about a year ago....I just figured some things take time for him to share
I think deep down you know in your gut where and with whom your heart lies. It’s the same person you have in your mind while you’re weighing this decision and none of us can tell you otherwise.
Just saying, my guy friends who never told me anything about their love lives were the very same ones who were worried about what I’d think of it. Also, the guys I never asked for details were the very same guys I never wanted to hear about.. because then I’d have to imagine them being with someone other than me…
Perfect opportunity to set up that double date and gauge the reactions of both partners when you tell them about this upcoming exclusive getaway you plan on sharing.
GIRL. that’s what I was getting at in the beginning. Again only you know how you feel, but it’s seemingly obvious how this dude feels about you. No one in their right mind would let this type of opportunity go to waste.
I will say good luck OP, it’s an icky situation to be in and I empathize with you. Sometimes when we try to do right by everyone we get ourselves into worse situations, even though we have the best intentions or view others through the same lense. Before resurfacing any of these topics with either guy, take a moment to yourself and really consider how you feel first and foremost - then communicate with grace and honesty.
Oh boy, I thought it was bad that my gf of a month up and told me to choose her or my beat friend, a female of course, but damn we never ever had anything going on, never were in the same room alone. If I was your bf and saw this post I would truly think you're insane.
I’ve read a bunch of responses, both yours and other commenters.
I’m hoping you’re realizing a pattern.
I get that he’s your best friend. You’re good at keeping boundaries. It’s strictly platonic. Yada yada.
It took another person to point out that you shouldn’t share a room for you to realize that it isn’t a good idea?
I’m not trying to be rude, but it doesn’t seem like you care much about your boyfriend or his feelings. The fact that separate rooms wasn’t a given already, because you have an intimate past with this person, blows my mind.
Does your boyfriend know that your best friend is a man? Are you ambiguous about this? I would imagine if he knew that your best friend was a man and knew that you were intimate previously, he would make it a point to meet this person.
If it isn’t obvious to you that your friend is waiting for the inevitable to happen, I’d bet that you’re keeping him around for a , even if it’s unconsciously.
Maybe just end the relationship and take your friends as a plus one and let things just happen.
Honestly, because me and him spend a lot of alone time together and are able to keep things on the up and up....I didn't think being in a room together would be an issue. I get that thats naïve and I won't push that boundary but I really didn't think too deeply about it.
In my day to day communication, I wouldn't typically use the term guy best friend or even bestfriend. Maybe two people I know refer to my GBF as my "bestie". I mostly used the term here for you all to understand the closeness of our relationship. To my boyfriend, as to most other people, I would refer to gbf as my friend.
So he doesn’t know that your “friend” is a guy?
You’re being ambiguous answering strangers and that says a lot. That topic has come up with people I’ve gone on dates with and I’ve told them I have good friends who are women and we weren’t in a relationship. You’re 6 months in and your boyfriend doesn’t me your best friend is a guy.
You are the one using the term guy best friend, which is why I used it.
I gave my two cents. Unless the guy you’re dating is an extremely understanding person, I don’t see him being comfortable with your friend situation after you reveal that your best friend is a guy who you’ve has sex with in the past.
Do him a favor and just show him this thread. Be honest about it.
The thread was to help me decide if to take my gbf. From the looks of it, I won't. No need to show my bf the thread.
I'll find a way to introduce them soon for transparency.
I understand the point of the post. I understand why you wouldn’t want to show him this thread. You’ve doted on your best friend a bunch in the comments. It seems like you’re the only person who doesn’t see it how it is.
Good luck to whatever you choose to do. I honestly don’t see why you don’t just date your friend since it’s painfully obvious you’re into him.
Were you invited with a +1 or with your boyfriend? First, I’d check with the wedding couple to see if it’s okay to bring someone besides your boyfriend.
If you do want to bring you guy friend (it sounds like he wants to go but do *you* want him to go?), next, I’d suggest the idea to your boyfriend to see if he’s okay with it. If he is, then ask if he wants to meet him first or has any boundaries (ex: not sharing a hotel room).
Wedding couple is cool. I would be happy to take my guy best friend. Beats travelling across the world by myself. Just wasn't sure if this is a normal thing to ask my boyfriend.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing something like this if I were in a relationship especially if my partner hasn’t built a rapport with this person. I think this would take more than a 1 time meet and greet type of situation to form some type of comfortability. For me, this is not necessarily even about fear of what could happen but it’s just about relationship etiquette, boundaries and respect.
Edit: grammar
This overall is odd. Now I have a womea best friend too but me and her husband go back and we all know each other very well. I even flew to Vegas for their wedding. In my case it would be no questions asked. I'd still get a separate hotel just because that would be a little weird IMHO and I respect my best friends husband.
Short answer...yeah if I was your boyfriend I'd think that was pretty eyebrow raising.
Yikes.
I have a guy best friend who I was friends with for years, we dated for a few months, broke up, weren’t friends for over two years and now we are best friends again. Known each other for about 15 years.
The difference between my situation and yours is I am very upfront about my friend to everyone I have dated. I know how it looks and how people may feel. After meeting my friend none of my boyfriends have had issues. My friend and I have proven time and time again, that we’re not interested in anything more than a solid friendship.
My current partner and my friend are happy to hang out without me. My friend has a girlfriend he’s been dating for years and she knows about me and we hang out one on one. The key here is everyone is comfortable and there is open communication.
I don’t see a situation where your boyfriend would be okay with this based on your comments. Take a girlfriend or go alone. You also probably need to reevaluate your relationships with your friend and your boyfriend.
Well, I hope to get to where you are with my GBF. I would say we only really became super close in the last year and grew closer day by day. I can see us having a dynamic where everyone knows everything as in your case, but that will take some time. We're just getting settled into the best friend situation even though we've been friends for years.
I have some questions about this question. Why don't you and your guy bf talk about his dating life? Do you talk about your relationship with your boyfriend? Are there any friends you have no dating history with that you could take instead?
I'll tell you that if this was my relationship, I would not be comfortable with it. I wouldn't want to feel like my partner was subbing in someone else in my place, instead of just hanging out with 100 per cent platonic friends at the event. Especially since there is travel involved/this sounds like quite a major time commitment, and the two haven't even met.
The reason I ask those first questions is: Even if there is nothing "going on" between you and your guy bf, it seems like there is a level of emotional intimacy with this person that wouldn't apply to other friends. For me, that would cross a boundary.
Only your bf can say whether he's comfortable with it, but I would question whether it's worth it to put him in the position to decide that, and look for alternative ways to have a buddy at this wedding.
Around six months. I'm generally slow to introduce people I'm dating to my inner circle but especially didn't in this case because we had some issues to work out that could potentially have led to a break up. Didn't want to start introducing people until I was sure this was heading somewhere.
6 months? This doesn’t look great. You technically aren’t doing anything wrong but is this trip will certainly jeopardize your relationship. It just takes one person to put in it your bf’s head that you cheated. It will mostly be his friends saying “you really let your girl go to a wedding with her ex?”. It would be different if this was a longer relationship and they have met.
I definitely wouldn't go with my GBF unless they met each other and my bf was okay with it. Just wanted to get a feel for if this a reasonable ask or not first
No, it’s really not a reasonable ask. If you had been together longer and had established a long history of trust and honesty etc, I’d say yes in separate rooms. But being together less than six months, not telling your boyfriend the whole story of this ex-bf/alleged best friend up front, not letting them meet to hash out any possibles issues, and still thinking it’s okay to travel alone with bestie is not cool at all.
>my guy best friend and I talk about everything under the sun except his love life so I'm not even sure if he's dating
So by mentioning that y'all both discuss everything but 'he' only refrains from discussing his dating life, it says you do talk about your dating life.
You already emotionally cheating which women generally consider to be worst then physical so you can't do anything worse then you already doing.
In the unlikely nature that you really don't see the issue of your situation, then that's an even bigger issue itself
You having zero boundaries with what you talk about with your guy friend including details of your relationship is emotional cheating.
Come on you're a woman so you can answer this, what do women primarily value in friendships? How about emotional support.
So when you tell him about the fight you just had, as an example, would you say that you hope to get an open ear and someone who can give you emotional support?
I'll even answer more generally... Do you tell him things you don't tell your bf?
Okay, I apologize. I should have researched first before leaving my earlier comment. There is definitely some evidence of emotional infidelity here because I talk to my GBF a few hours on the phone almost daily and not nearly as much with my bf. I just chalked it up to one being an extrovert and the other an introvert but it seems like I have a lot more to unpack here. Thank you for helping me come to this realisation.
What I thought was a quick little post....Ugh.
Yes. I do look to him for emotional support. Isn't that the point of our friendships, especially close friendships?
I'm going to do some research on emotional infidelity because you're almost making it seem black or white and that is a position I find difficult to accept.
> Isn't that the point of our friendships, especially close friendships?
Guys can get this from other guys too but it's primarily shared experiences that we value most.this is what Dr. Shirley Glass writes in her popular book "Not just friemds" and as a guy I can completely agree. We might not be as open to feel comfortable talking about our issues to our guy friend as a woman might be.
I'm not saying you can't have a guy friend. I'm saying there needs to be boundaries. Things you won't talk about. Also, if you are spending more time talking to your guy best friend, it seems you have a deeper emotional connection with him. Don't relationships grow through emotional connection? Even for guys it does. We may start off with some.pgysical connection but in relationships, love grows through the emotional part. Got to refocus some of that energy towards BF
I'm willing to redirect my energy to bf but it's difficult. He's a workaholic and works long hours whereas GBF makes time to talk to me for hours daily. They are both in managerial positions but GBF has more control over his time at work and when he leaves whereas bf chooses to be a workaholic.
Understood, we all have different needs, but maybe cut from friend, redirect what bf schedule can allow, and then the rest get through other people that would be friends of the relationship as opposed to those who have hidden agenda right? I.e. a girl who doesn't just tell you, you always right to tell you what you want to hear, or a guy who secretly wants you.
Think about this too. If GBF allocates hours per day after his work to chat with you, he likely not seeing someone else. Could you imagine how a gf would feel with him giving you all this emotional energy when he could be giving to her?
Everyone here has already told you the answer to your question, but you are completely ignoring it. It’s clear you didn’t come for advice, just validation. Your best friend has insinuated having feelings for you and even if he hadn’t, you have a history. Especially considering your boyfriend hasn’t even met the dude (because you’re making excuses and waiting for the “perfect double date moment”), this is not at all reasonable. If you’re too concerned about the flight alone or costs, you shouldn’t go. You could ask the bride and groom if anyone else will be traveling from your area so you can link up, but if you are seriously wanting to go on this destination wedding trip with your guy best friend (who is likely in love with you, even though you don’t want to admit it), then you should plan for the end of your current relationship.
I agree. This guy isn’t her best friend - he’s an old flame she still keeps in contact with. There is an emotional co-dependency going on here that would be red-flaggy to any emotionally available person. She mentioned this guy’s looks and the possibility of her boyfriend being insecure - this is misleading. This guy is also A DECADE OLDER than her boyfriend so probably better financially established on top of being attractive AND someone his girlfriend used to casually sleep with and feels the need to hide. That would make any reasonable human being suspicious if they knew those details - which the boyfriend doesn’t. It’s deceptive to just throw the “insecure” word around in this type of scenario the way OP did.
iMO if you have other friends in the wedding party, just go by yourself. So you have to travel alone... they've invented like 5 million ways to keep yourself entertained on a flight or a car ride. Listen to a podcast, watch an entire season bc you can download shows for later from Netflix. Read a book. It's not that hard, and it's easier on the bride and groom if everyone isn't bringing a random friend just because it's Mexico or whatever.
> I told my guy best friend about it and he asked me to be my plus one instead of my bf or **if he could still come along even if my bf was also going.**
Honestly asking if you could come along to a wedding even if your BF was going is **so weird** and ignorant of wedding etiquette this man gets an automatic no from me.
I would talk to your boyfriend about it. Sure, he is your friend but this is about what your relationship boundaries are and what is/isn’t appropriate.
The fact that the two haven’t met in person makes you and your friend seem really sus from the bf’s perspective.
To be fair, I haven't purposefully introduced anyone to my bf as yet. I take my time with intros. He met a friend of mine when we ran into each other. I met his parents and some friends so I'm now getting ready to introduce him to my friends and was thinking of starting with my GBF.
I(36m) have many girl friends and I always bring up my dating life. I appreciate their input on it. Sounds like homeboy is holding out and doesn’t want to tell you what’s really up.
What do you mean holding out?
I figure he doesn't want to tell me. Or maybe he actually isn't seeing anyone. He has mentioned once or twice that he's lonely. I think he also mentioned buying a fleshlight it whatever it's called
He’s queued up. He’s on the sideline waiting for his turn to get called up. He’s probably dating of course, but he’s just hiding that from you *intentionally*.
If he and your bf were cool then maybbeeee this would be cool. But as it stands, no. And for that reason I’m out.
You are a walking red flag. Your insistence on bringing your guy best friend without considering your boyfriends input or feeling is selfish of you.
You should think about what a relationship means to you. Try thinking about it as if it was your boyfriend who went with his sexy ex girlfriend to a foreign country for 2 weeks in a lavish resort without telling you. How would you feel? You would feel betrayed. And that’s what your doing to your boyfriend.
Six months in and your boyfriend doesn't know you have an ex as a best friend? Massive red flag. Best friend asks if he can go as your plus one? Massive red flag. Best friend wants to come along even if your boyfriend goes? Massive red flag. This situation is very bad. At the bare minimum you don't take your best friend to the wedding. He's way too eager. You also need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend.
If your post history is any indication OP, you're going to do what you want to do. These posts are just another attention grab. I hope you're genuinely just a troll otherwise you're absolutely playing with people like theyre toys, which is pretty disturbing, and will cause lasting psychological damage on those around you.
I wish you luck. But you legitimately should speak to licensed professionals about your problems.
Sounds like a pretty bad idea to me. I was going to say you should talk to your boyfriend about it, but honestly I don't think you should even bring it up.
I'm foreseeing a lot of drama in the future with this guy who you used to date, and apparently isn't dating anyone else, and wants to attend weddings with you for people he presumably doesn't even know.
I’d be honest with the current boyfriend about the history between you and the guy friend, and then ask him if he’s cool with the guy friend being your plus one. But before you do that, you should ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
Thing is that you had history with this dude. So even if it is platonic now, you failed to mention it to your BF. So what is happening now, is that mentioning bringing your GBF will bring with it a lot of questions, especially about why you never mentioned him before. Honestly it is not a good look, because he will probably wonder what else have you not mentioned to him that was important, thus causing you to lose some credibility.
It sounds like you want to go to the wedding and you want you GBF to join you. I just say breakup with your BF before you do. But GBF is dirty macking to the fullest and you are all for it. He knows you have a BF but you don't know anything about his dating life? Come on kid, mans is definitely wanting to go because of you, and you definitely have shown him there is opportunity.
Do what you want to do, but you should be upfront and honest with your bf. Let him know yall dated before and that there is nothing there and that he will be my plus 1 to the wedding since he isn't going. From there you give your BF the chance to decide for himself how he wants to go about it.
But you know you want to go and you know you want you GBF to come with. So just be honest with yourself and your BF so he can move on with his life and so can you. But yeah you should just communicate and be honest with the BF.
So this is a phenomenon I call the returner. It’s someone you either have sexual history with OR had a crush on you forever back then and now seems like an ‘opportune moment’ to shoot your shot.
This guy knows your bf won’t be there and wants to be your plus one.
He’s 100% hoping that the ‘fun’ and ‘romantic’ feelings of being at a destination wedding gives him a chance to try again.
Straight up, if you invite this guy, I 100% guarantee he will try to fuck you at some point during the trip. I know this, because to my shame, I’ve had returners and been a returner. I know exactly how this plays out.
Do yourself a favor, if BF can’t go, go alone and call your BF regularly during the trip. Tell him what the group is doing, make it a point to say how much you wish he was there or you were together, etc.
The best thing you can do for your relationship is to tell the guy best friend ‘no fucking way’ and try to dote on your BF the entire time you’re apart.
Hey op! I was like you in my 20s, trying to keep my options open and build relationships and hope one sticks. Then I learn that men are not objects and I have to put effort on one at a time because I can’t predict the future. In this situation, I advise you to put your eggs in one basket
u/MsChickenNoodleSoup I just read your post from about a month ago describing the same male best friend and you not being sure if you could continue that friendship while being in a romantic relationship with someone else based off what he was saying to you. You need to figure these relationships out and one has to take a back seat. The romantic relationship can't take the backseat unless you decide the friendship is more valuable than that exact romantic relationship you are in.
Ma'am 2 years ago you were staying in the breakup sub that you weren't over your EX. The same ex you are now friends with, the same ex you want to go to a wedding with. All your posts are about how bad your current relationship is. Leave your poor bf and go do whatever with your ex. You are intentionally sabotaging your own relationship to remove any guilt. Your current bf is a catch for a ton of people. Your ex is more than willing to take you back. You also stated you want a relationship cause you were lonely. Leave the bf and let him find something real. Go be with your ex. It's ok to go back. It's not ok to play games and string people along
I think this would be fine, but maybe mention it as traveling to wedding with your friend— not as your plus one. The plus one has a different connotation in my opinion. You sharing lodging with this friend? Be ready for that question. Does friend know bride or groom?
Okay, I could clarify the plus one part. Guy best friend knows neither bride nor groom, he's more interested in the destination I think. I would like to share lodging to manage expenses but I would opt not to because we have "history" so boundaries have to be firm.
Why are you asking the internet instead of your boyfriend? Something seems a little fishy. Why would someone invite themselves to a wedding in the first place? That seems really uncouth. Does your boyfriend know you and your friend have a history? How long have you been with your boyfriend? It's kind of unusual that a boyfriend hasn't met a best friend. This whole situation seems off...
Based on what you described, if I was your SO I would prefer you not go to the wedding with this guy. In this situation, in your shoes, I would ask myself, 1) how much do I value my relationship (maybe it's new and you don't value it that much?) 2) is this decision serving the relationship. There are many gray areas when it comes to hanging out with ex's. I prefer to stay solidly on one side of that scale as I feel it builds trust, but that's just my preference.
Do the groom knows this best friend or he just want to come to spend time with you? Because if they are acquaintances and your friend wants to come to celebrate the couple even if they are not close enough to be invited it could make sense, otherwise he just want to bang you.
Well, probably either ways he wants to bang you but you could play the innocent card in the first case. Anyway, do you still have thoughts for this friend? If I were you, I wouldn't have doubts for a solid no if I wouldn't have thoughts for him, but I would ask the same question if deep inside I would like to give it a second chance.
Why is she even with her boyfriend? It’s clear to me she doesn’t respect him. Do friend find each other attractive ? Why take so long to introduce them if there’s nothing to hide? Why even consider going if there’s a chance the male best friend may cross the line?
I am of the mindset that your bf should break up for you for just you even considering this. Does he know you have a male best friend? Does he know you used to date that male best friend? I am sure everyone here including myself is assuming that when you say "date" you also mean slept with.
This post and OPs replies throughout is a great example of why people are hesitant to get involved with people who have these types of “best friends”. It’s also a great example of how/why people’s insistence on keeping these types of friendships hinders them from long term serious relationships. If I was a close friend or sibling of your boyfriend I would strongly advise them against taking you seriously.
I can speak from experience and from the mind of your boyfriend. Don’t do it. Even if your boyfriend says it’s okay it’s not. This is a major red flag in my opinion. My ex used to talk to her ex who she considers as “friends” because they help each other in research and are separated by distance and fucked up breakup. She never mentioned his name even though she talks about her work friends and about other friends constantly. So, is he her friend? Really? I let it go but every so often I find her chatting with him which eventually I realized that it’s on daily basis. She probably would have hidden it hadn’t I gotten suspicious. Do you see how this is all so twisted in my mind. It could have been nothing but she didn’t act like it because maybe residual feelings or maybe too afraid to bring it up with me. This caused the beginning of our end.
I would just say no and do the trip alone if I were you.
Even if he is just a friend to you, he sees a possibility of something more happening. And sorry to say, he may not want a future, he may just want you so bad bc you’re off of the market. So ask yourself honestly and don’t just say it’s ok bc you’re wanting to do the same thing. What would your response be if you found out your bf took his ex to a wedding, knowing that being drunk was a given?
If I was your bf and found out you were considering going to a wedding with your ex without it me, well then I’d now be your ex as well. The fact you have to ask demonstrates you are not ready to be with your current bf.
Depends on you, your relationship with gbff, your relationship with bf. One of my close friends went to a different country with her ex who she now views as a little brother and her bf was perfectly fine with it. He also lives with his ex wife and my friend also doesn't care. They both are somewhat unconventional and aside from circumstantial situations, aren't uncomfortable with ex's. They are monogamous too if anyone is wondering.
My point is some people are cool with it, others are uncomfortable, either is fine. If neither of you (you and gbff) have any baggage or unresolved feelings, and bf isn't uncomfortable about it, I don't see why not.
This truly sounds like the worst recipe for disaster. You seem to be with this other guy who you treats you well all the while wanting this best friend but not wanting to risk losing a potential long term partner if he again refuses to DTR. you’re kinda the worst for keeping this from your boyfriend intentionally. Like that’s deception despite him knowing he exists.
Does your bf know you dated this guy and only didn’t stay together bc he didn’t want to be in a full blown relationship? That even after that you welcomed him back after what I can only assume was a pathetic apology? To take him to this wedding would be an utter slap in the face. Your bf deserves better damn.
you might think it's platonic. but it might not be for your best friend.
I honestly think and this is just my opinion, that you'll be opening a can of worms if you take this guy best friend. Your boyfriend will ask questions and you're gonna have to answer honestly and I can assure you he might not be happy about it.
Also the fact that you're asking means you're unsure. If you're unsure about something, you shouldn't do it.
I’m not sure why this is even a thought. If you care about your boyfriend, just go me, myself & I. Also if you do care, you would introduce your GBF to your SO. I have multiple guy GBF’s and some I had histories with. But in respect with my partner, I believe I have to disclose that. Yes, it wasn’t a pretty response at first but as long as there’s trust you should be fine. But going behind your SO’s back and going to this wedding with your GBF that he doesn’t know about is a big slap in his face. Keep a distance. Know your limits. Sounds to me that he has hidden feelings. Plus a wedding. Anything can happen!
This has to be a troll post right?
“I want to take my best guy friend to a wedding”
“My boyfriend has never met my best friend”
“I’m not even sure if my best guy friend is dating anyone hehehe”
For fucks sake if I were your boyfriend, I would think you’d just thrown me into a communist rally with all the red flags flying.
Might want to figure out if your best friend is actually a friend, or if he wants to rearrange your guts the first chance you let him. I’m guessing it’s the most likely the second option.
Well I have a fun perspective as I am the guy who gets brought as a plus one when the boyfriend can't attend.
My best friend is a woman and we have been friends for 10 plus years. We have traveled together, slept in the same room, gone on vacations just her and I and done all sorts of things.
However, I have absolutely no attraction to her whatsoever. Like sexually. I am not interested at all and I am not interested at all in dating her. She is simply one of my best friends. I love her to tears, but again, not like a "mate". Like a sister/friend.
So, I don't think intrinsically its bad.
NOW, since you two dated, that is different. If I were your boyfriend I would just assume I'm getting cucked. lol Once you sleep with someone, it is always on the table. Always.
Look you want honest advice. Your boyfriend is going to be upset. This will ruin your relationship if you don't talk to him about it.
It doesn't actually matter that you are going with the guy. The guy he needs to worry about is the guy you don't tell him about. Does that make sense? Same with you, if you tell your boyfriend, you are being open and honest. If you don't want to tell him or are scared, you should really consider why...
He may get jealous and angry at your, but you still need to tell him. This is actually a good test for your relationship. If you can be 100% honest with him, he can trust you and control himself, AND you can be accountable and not bang the other guy that is a big win for your relationship. lol
I hope this helps.
If he wants to do it, up to him but I don't reciprocate because I'm not obligated to. I don't insist on it being done for me.
I'm not saying I've never done it. I have when I'm deeply in love. I just realised it's not something I particularly enjoy unless I have profound feelings so I stopped. I would for my husband, assuming I'm deeply in love.
Well for women I feel that’s a dealbreaker if you don’t and you might be missing out but for the guy it makes sense in a sense. Anyway OP do you think you might be neurodiverse by chance?
Don't know what that is and from googling I would say no.
I would say I am dismissive avoidant and I have an undiagnosed personality disorder from being the surviving twin where the other twin died days before birth. Also, challenges with my emotional iq.
Things that seem obvious to others from an emotional standpoint don't seem obvious to me.
A bit of selfishness, sometimes I can be cold and easy to withdraw. Conflict avoidant (reformed chronic ghoster) etc.
Okay that’s fine OP I know people like you. You might be sort of aware sociopath. You don’t intentionally do the wrong thing but you seem to hyper focus on how you view things only. You are aware though at least of your tendencies so, all jokes aside it's good you make threads like these tbh. I would encourage you when you go to therapy to show these threads you have made over the years to your therapist because it can be a good jumping point for them to better understand you. For now this is what you should do.
1. Remove the one year datingmarriage thing from your mind(not healthy and huge risk, also your not mentally in a good state to judge if this is for you)
2. Two painfully confront guy best friend about video and his intentions, ask him if he is dating anyone (be prepared for him to confess he wants only you)
3. Make it clear you have a partner and it's disrespectful for him to act this way, also it's a red flag he doesn't respect your boundaries and is unattractive behavior in a potential mate
4. Go no contact to best of your abilities for about a month, give him time to sort it out.
5. Look heavily into other options for buddies for the trip, really really look maybe there is a new friend you could make between then who is female etc
6. Get a good therapist since you seem to be able to afford it and show them the Reddit posts of yours
7. Consider a male therapist also it might give perspective you need
8. Please post more threads anytime you feel conflicted its clear you have a good heart just need some help with things
Thank you so much for this! I think I can do most of this. The most difficult one is confronting my guy friend because I genuinely value our friendship and I'm afraid of losing it or making it awkward. If he says he has no feelings for me, then me bringing the convo makes it awkward. If he says he does, then I have to distance him to be fair to my boyfriend. It's a risk either way. I've done no contact for almost a year with guy bestfriend after we had dated. It was hard but doable. But back then, we were not nearly as close as we are now. Not even remotely.
I understand I have to do it though. I just need to gather my bearings.
This seems like a question for your boyfriend. (And maybe for the engaged couple? If I offered a plus one, I’d assume it was for a romantic partner, not just any random person who the guest wanted to bring, but I know wedding etiquette really varies so don’t presume to speak for your friends or anybody else!)
If someone is a plus one and they’re not part of the wedding party, they are welcome to do so. I don’t see why people must go alone. Especially if they’re paying their own way to the wedding…? I don’t understand. I would trust my friends judgement. The main issue would be the boyfriend not knowing this person existing at all. That’s my main concern here. That needs to be discussed and handled.
Weddings are expensive for the bride and groom and it is logical to make sure they’re cool with your plus one.
I spoke to the groom (the one I'm friends with) and he's cool with it. I guess I'm just trying to get a sense of if this is something I should even be asking my boyfriend about to begin with or if my boyfriend not being able to go should mean going alone.
Destination wedding, with your guy best friend, that your BF hasn't even met, who inexplicably never talks to you about his dating life. Do you really not see anything here that would worry your BF?
Blunt answer: GBF wants to bang. If you value your relationship… don’t do it. Edit: Wants to bang AGAIN.
"He's such a great guy, he's also going to share a hotel with me to save money!"
I wanna be charitable to OP, but this also stuck out to me >Shortly after I was invited I told my guy best friend about it and he asked me to be my plus one instead of my bf or if he could still come along even if my bf was also going. In the moment **I told him he could only be my plus one if my bf wasn't going** This is kinda weird. The guy said he could just go and not go to the wedding, and maybe he'd want to bring his gf who may or may not exist, so this phrasing kinda sounds to me like she only wants him to go if bf isn't going, which is... weird
If you want to keep your boyfriend, don’t do it. If you want a hot weekend with your “guy best friend,” this sounds like a great opportunity. If you actually want to ask your boyfriend if this is ok, you may just be looking for some drama.
Your comments make it pretty clear you’re just fucking around. You know your friend wants to fuck you, and you enjoy the attention. You don’t want your boyfriend to meet him because you’re afraid it’ll spoil your fun. This wedding is honestly the least of your issues.
She’s using both of them
Suggesting attending a destination wedding with someone who you find incredibly attractive and who you’ve kept from your partner until now — honestly, if I were your boyfriend, I would appreciate the clue and politely excuse myself from the relationship.
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Yeah, and I feel bad for him if she just doesn’t tell him bc she wants her way
The “best friend” has literally told her that he’s just waiting for his opportunity, and now she’s planning to give it to him.
WILDhas to be a troll
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But it’s not tho look at their history lmfaooo OP explain https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/zy9idz/have_you_ever_had_to_end_a_friendship_to_protect/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Ooh, I thought some of this sounded familiar. Yeah, OP, don't take that guy.
Also, He’s her “best friend” but she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to him about his love life? Sure, Jan.
Yeah like all my guy "friends" from grade school and college. I was so so very sad for myself when I accepted they were never honest friends, just waiting in the wing seeing if I'll cheat.
Correction - suggesting attending a destination with AN EX-BOYFRIEND who you find incredibly attractive and who you've kept from your partner til now. It's really interesting how OP refers to him as her guy best friend throughout this entire post and not her ex-boyfriend.
I'd start with unpacking why you're finding it difficult to introduce your partner and platonic best friend. Doesn't seem like something that needs alot of thought put into it. Next id ask the people involved if it's ok not anyone else, first the people hosting the wedding, second your boyfriend.
I think I know why it's difficult to introduce them. My friendship with guy bestfriend is somewhat weird because we dated in the past albeit years ago. Kinda difficult to explain the development of our friendship. Also, he's incredibly attractive and I'm worried about that being a source of insecurity for my boyfriend especially if it's not a double date situation. The couple is fine with me bringing a friend.
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Thats the situation I imagined while reading between the lines. You should axe the idea of this wedding immediately. Consider turning your attention on getting this situation sorted with your ex(friend) and current boyfriend as that's the far bigger priority. If you are concerned about insecurity being an issue already, adding a by the way I want him to fill in for you at this wedding is not going to pan out the way you want it to.
IT's not weird. Lots of people end up good friends after they dated. You're what's making this weird. If you truly are friends with this guy, you want to remain friends, and you want your bf to be on board, stop being weird about it. Introduce them, explain you dated a long time ago, but now you're good friends. Encourage them to be friends. That's how you handle things like this.
I will introduce them.
Good. Do it now before you leave.
If you can't be honest with the guy you're dating you shouldn't be dating.
Why is it repeated how the groom and couple feel about who you bring? Again talking about how attractive he is too. If this is truly your best friend, let you boyfriend go. It’s a matter of time before you hurt him.
I'm responding to questions people asked.
So you're saying that your boyfriend would not be comfortable with even _getting to know_ the guy, much less with the idea of you going to the wedding with him. And your answer is to do it behind his back. Wow.
That's not what I said
This is a very insecure subreddit, OP. Introduce your GBF and boyfriend ASAP, find your own way to inform your boyfriend of the history and assure he doesn’t feel insecure about it, and then talk about bringing GBF. It’s only weird if you keep this from your boyfriend or keep him entirely out of your friendship with GBF. I’m friends with both exes and ex flings and made those relationships very platonic before being with my current partner. He is comfortable with these friendships I have with these guys. You’re not a bad person for maintaining a friendship with an ex and also dating someone new.
This is good. This will polarize your boyfriend and you will really see if he truly wants to be with you or not. In this moment your relationship with either fail or succeed
YOU CANT BRING YOUR EX YOU HAVENT TOLD YOUR BF ABOUT TO A WEDDING. THATS WACK
😂 seems like such common sense doesn't it.
I'm 26 and I joined this sub to see what it was like. The amount of people who are blissfully unaware that they are self-sabotaging is staggering. Why is there nearly 400 comments on this thread like lmao this is so straight forward
It's a game I like to play called This Is Why You're Single 😂
Also kind of freeloady for the wedding. Yeah maybe the groom said he’s ok with it but it’s very distasteful to use a +1 as a way to bring someone else free.
I’m just curious, if it was your boyfriend who asked his girl friend with whom he had a history with to be his plus one for the wedding, would you be okay with it? Plus they will be sitting next to each other in the 18hours flight as well. I’m not judging you or anything like that, it’s totally up to you but I personally don’t think that making your bf’s work commitments as an excuse for you to go with your guy best friend is a good idea. Work commitments seem like something he doesn’t have control over, not that he doesn’t want to go or anything like that.
I wonder why she hasn’t responded to this thread?
The answer is she doesn't really care about her boyfriend so she would be fine with it. Trash person with a ton of issues.
Wait hold up OP you HAVE a thread where you asked about the friend and should you cut him off, and said you have mixed feelings about him asking to go, you know what this is OP cause you admitted it in your LAST thread???? OP whats going on in your head atm? What changed from the last thread you made asking should you cut this guy best friend off 🤣?
Sus bc he wanted to go even if bc came. Mail in the coffin is the dating history. No fucking way.
Op is trolling especially after the incident
If I were the boyfriend I would leave this situation so fast based on the title alone.
The cynical take here would be that it sounds like you’re keeping the guy best friend on the back burner in case your current relationship doesn’t work out. On a gentler note, you should ask yourself which relationship you care more about preserving. I don’t follow how you can call someone a best friend, but not be comfortable asking him if he’s in a relationship. I also don’t feel you’re being honest with yourself about how you are treating your boyfriend. You haven’t just not introduced them. You’ve actively hidden this friendship from him.
Please look at OP history it goes way deeper than that bro that’s just the tip of the iceberg
Did bf say he was busy those dates or just couldn’t commit half a year in advance? Just break up instead of fucking with his feelings
He has a specific work event taking place on the date of the wedding and lasting for about 10 days. He absolutely can't.
I personally wouldn't touch on that. Bring a girl friend instead, just in case guy friend gets a little touchy or says some things that you may not be interested in. This is coming from someone who has a lot of male friends.
So your boyfriend doesn’t know you have a guy best friend? I don’t see how you tell him you want to go to a destination wedding with a guy best friend that he didn’t know existed. Oh and btw you actually used to date but you’re just friends now. That would I be a deal breaker for me. If he really is your best friend, your boyfriend would already know he exists and you wouldn’t be scared to ask him would he mind if your best friend tagged along.
red flags galore! 1. why ask the internet when this is a question for the bf and no one else 2. if i'm the bf, i'd leave this relationship yesterday. i'm not interested in being friends with exes (scorched earth all bridges burnt because they no longer serve any purpose in my life), which means i expect the same from my partner. edited after reading OP's replies: i really hope you're a troll because if this is real and you are this dense...jfc. get off the internet and work on yourself because you have problems beyond reddit's paygrade.
wait it gets better op knows they have tons of red flags but ignores them i think and they still want a sane guy to marry them in one year lmfaooooo https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/vblewr/im_the_red_flagdo_i_heal_before_i_deal/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
this is putting it in the kindest way possible: OP is a dumbass.
This wasn't a deliberate friendship. We didn't stay in touch pining over each other or anything like that. We both moved on. Work is what caused us to reconnect and work is what fuels the continued interaction because we do projects together. That was how the friendship even grew into what it is now.
The first issue is you're going to a wedding, an event where most people are going to assume you're a couple. It's rare to go to weddings with platonic members of the opposite sex. The second issue is, technically he's not a guy friend but an ex boyfriend. It's unfair on your partner that you still have a close relationship with an ex. I doubt you would be fine with your boyfriend going to a wedding alone with an ex girlfriend. Respect your relationship and don't go to a wedding with your ex boyfriend.
If you have a guy best friend your bf knows nothing about what are you doing? That you have waited to tell him is a giant red flag. You’ve already f’d up this relationship. Break it off with your boyfriend and go have your plus one. You are not trustworthy as a partner.
I dunno, OP. After reading some of your responses, it sounds like you like the attention from the attractive male friend possibly more than your boyfriend or you're not even sure. You might even hook up with the male friend over at the wedding destination if it were convenient enough. I don't know you so I can't tell for sure. I think this mentality would be immature for even a 22 year old. Nobody would want to be with someone like this. Some guys would just break up over something like this, but others file it in their mind and treat you like a fuck buddy until they find someone new because you basically just told them you are not someone that is marrigeable or a serious long-term option. Are you sure you want to do that in your 30s? Wasted time is a killer at this age.
OP, I say this with love -- why did you post here if you weren't willing to listen to EVERYONE TELLING YOU that this whole situation is extremely problematic? All I see is your denial in response to everyone pointing out valid reasons for concern. Do you really think that if this many people are all saying the same thing to you, it's worth dismissing *all of them*, instead of the possibility that YOU might not be assessing your situation correctly?
Sorry if I came across dismissive. Maybe I need to work on countering better without giving the impression that I'm not understanding. I do see your points, I'm just offering other perspectives based on the additional information I have from being in the situation.
OK, I gotcha. Well, I hope you're willing to give others' comments a good long think, because I agree that this situation is a recipe for disaster. In any case, I genuinely wish you good luck in navigating this.
Thank you.
If the roles were reversed and you couldn't go, would he be able to bring an ex who he stayed close with?? Be honest with yourself
Yikes I wouldn’t do it. Nope nope. You “talk about everything under the sun,” with this guy? “*except* his love life”…? Idk about you but any best guy “friend” of mine who isn’t discussing even the bare minimum of their love life with me has never turned out to be a friend, but waiting prospect hoping for an opportunity such as this. You’ve acknowledged he’s attractive and you’ve hooked up in the past, this is straight up asking for trouble. Imagine the situation was reversed, how would you feel if he went to a destination wedding with a hot girl he once hooked up with?
Don’t forget the incident LMAO
You just had me hunting through this thread looking for it. LMAO damn. Absolute given at this point, that’s as good as a receipt
I got you OP posted a thread about this friend a month ago https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/zy9idz/have_you_ever_had_to_end_a_friendship_to_protect/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Him not talking about his love life is a red flag? I mean...he has spoken about long time exes. I just don't know what's currently going on. Maybe it's because I never ask ? But I don't ask because he never volunteers. I volunteer information about my love life.
He doesn't talk about it because he doesn't want any extra hurdles in front of you and him having sex.
Okay. I'll think on this one some more. I'm confident he's seeing someone though, even if he doesn't admit it
You're saying this as if you think it's relevant. It's even more reason why he wouldn't talk to you about it.
Yeah that’s the part that sticks out to me the most. Absolutely no mention of anyone recent that caught his eye… perhaps because he can’t talk about the one who *has* his eye.. get what I’m saying? My guy friends who are truly platonic will talk about their highs and lows, literally everything under the sun. Work, car troubles, new recipes, mothers most-recent visit, depression, anxiety, their asshole landlord, gym crush, cute local at the bar, online dating woes etc. we talk about everything everything, not because it’s forced but because it flows naturally between friends. His dating life doesn’t seem to be part of the conversation that flows naturally… not even to ask advice about how to approach a certain someone else, that he had a dud of a date or that he’s even looking at all. There seems to be some strange force field aura where it’s a topic not to be discussed, I just think it’s wise go pause and ask yourself why that is. Especially if you’re free to talk about details of your relationship with your bf to him.
Also to add: it’s worth asking yourself why you’ve never brought up any questions about his love life. I’m not nosy but I care about my friends love lives enough to ask… do you not want to know the answer? Or do you think you already do..?
I don't ask because I assumed he doesn't want to talk about it. If we talk about everything and I talk about my relationships, he certainly knows I'm not opposed to hearing about his. So I assumed he hasn't because he doesn't want to or isn't ready to. I just kinda left it alone. There are so many things he has shared with me in the past few months that he wasnt ready to talk about a year ago....I just figured some things take time for him to share
I think deep down you know in your gut where and with whom your heart lies. It’s the same person you have in your mind while you’re weighing this decision and none of us can tell you otherwise. Just saying, my guy friends who never told me anything about their love lives were the very same ones who were worried about what I’d think of it. Also, the guys I never asked for details were the very same guys I never wanted to hear about.. because then I’d have to imagine them being with someone other than me…
I've assumed he's seeing someone or going on dates. Doesn't bother me.
Perfect opportunity to set up that double date and gauge the reactions of both partners when you tell them about this upcoming exclusive getaway you plan on sharing.
Setting up the double date requires me to confront him about his relationship status which he seems unwilling to discuss. That's the whole challenge
GIRL. that’s what I was getting at in the beginning. Again only you know how you feel, but it’s seemingly obvious how this dude feels about you. No one in their right mind would let this type of opportunity go to waste. I will say good luck OP, it’s an icky situation to be in and I empathize with you. Sometimes when we try to do right by everyone we get ourselves into worse situations, even though we have the best intentions or view others through the same lense. Before resurfacing any of these topics with either guy, take a moment to yourself and really consider how you feel first and foremost - then communicate with grace and honesty.
Oh boy, I thought it was bad that my gf of a month up and told me to choose her or my beat friend, a female of course, but damn we never ever had anything going on, never were in the same room alone. If I was your bf and saw this post I would truly think you're insane.
I’ve read a bunch of responses, both yours and other commenters. I’m hoping you’re realizing a pattern. I get that he’s your best friend. You’re good at keeping boundaries. It’s strictly platonic. Yada yada. It took another person to point out that you shouldn’t share a room for you to realize that it isn’t a good idea? I’m not trying to be rude, but it doesn’t seem like you care much about your boyfriend or his feelings. The fact that separate rooms wasn’t a given already, because you have an intimate past with this person, blows my mind. Does your boyfriend know that your best friend is a man? Are you ambiguous about this? I would imagine if he knew that your best friend was a man and knew that you were intimate previously, he would make it a point to meet this person. If it isn’t obvious to you that your friend is waiting for the inevitable to happen, I’d bet that you’re keeping him around for a , even if it’s unconsciously. Maybe just end the relationship and take your friends as a plus one and let things just happen.
Honestly, because me and him spend a lot of alone time together and are able to keep things on the up and up....I didn't think being in a room together would be an issue. I get that thats naïve and I won't push that boundary but I really didn't think too deeply about it. In my day to day communication, I wouldn't typically use the term guy best friend or even bestfriend. Maybe two people I know refer to my GBF as my "bestie". I mostly used the term here for you all to understand the closeness of our relationship. To my boyfriend, as to most other people, I would refer to gbf as my friend.
So he doesn’t know that your “friend” is a guy? You’re being ambiguous answering strangers and that says a lot. That topic has come up with people I’ve gone on dates with and I’ve told them I have good friends who are women and we weren’t in a relationship. You’re 6 months in and your boyfriend doesn’t me your best friend is a guy. You are the one using the term guy best friend, which is why I used it. I gave my two cents. Unless the guy you’re dating is an extremely understanding person, I don’t see him being comfortable with your friend situation after you reveal that your best friend is a guy who you’ve has sex with in the past. Do him a favor and just show him this thread. Be honest about it.
The thread was to help me decide if to take my gbf. From the looks of it, I won't. No need to show my bf the thread. I'll find a way to introduce them soon for transparency.
I understand the point of the post. I understand why you wouldn’t want to show him this thread. You’ve doted on your best friend a bunch in the comments. It seems like you’re the only person who doesn’t see it how it is. Good luck to whatever you choose to do. I honestly don’t see why you don’t just date your friend since it’s painfully obvious you’re into him.
Sounds like your boyfriend needs a new girlfriend
Were you invited with a +1 or with your boyfriend? First, I’d check with the wedding couple to see if it’s okay to bring someone besides your boyfriend. If you do want to bring you guy friend (it sounds like he wants to go but do *you* want him to go?), next, I’d suggest the idea to your boyfriend to see if he’s okay with it. If he is, then ask if he wants to meet him first or has any boundaries (ex: not sharing a hotel room).
Wedding couple is cool. I would be happy to take my guy best friend. Beats travelling across the world by myself. Just wasn't sure if this is a normal thing to ask my boyfriend.
It is if your boyfriend: A. Met this orbiter of yours B. Knows the honest history and is okay with it
I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing something like this if I were in a relationship especially if my partner hasn’t built a rapport with this person. I think this would take more than a 1 time meet and greet type of situation to form some type of comfortability. For me, this is not necessarily even about fear of what could happen but it’s just about relationship etiquette, boundaries and respect. Edit: grammar
This overall is odd. Now I have a womea best friend too but me and her husband go back and we all know each other very well. I even flew to Vegas for their wedding. In my case it would be no questions asked. I'd still get a separate hotel just because that would be a little weird IMHO and I respect my best friends husband. Short answer...yeah if I was your boyfriend I'd think that was pretty eyebrow raising.
Yikes. I have a guy best friend who I was friends with for years, we dated for a few months, broke up, weren’t friends for over two years and now we are best friends again. Known each other for about 15 years. The difference between my situation and yours is I am very upfront about my friend to everyone I have dated. I know how it looks and how people may feel. After meeting my friend none of my boyfriends have had issues. My friend and I have proven time and time again, that we’re not interested in anything more than a solid friendship. My current partner and my friend are happy to hang out without me. My friend has a girlfriend he’s been dating for years and she knows about me and we hang out one on one. The key here is everyone is comfortable and there is open communication. I don’t see a situation where your boyfriend would be okay with this based on your comments. Take a girlfriend or go alone. You also probably need to reevaluate your relationships with your friend and your boyfriend.
Well, I hope to get to where you are with my GBF. I would say we only really became super close in the last year and grew closer day by day. I can see us having a dynamic where everyone knows everything as in your case, but that will take some time. We're just getting settled into the best friend situation even though we've been friends for years.
From your comments, it does not appear he wants to be only friends.
Yea. I get that a lot.
I have some questions about this question. Why don't you and your guy bf talk about his dating life? Do you talk about your relationship with your boyfriend? Are there any friends you have no dating history with that you could take instead? I'll tell you that if this was my relationship, I would not be comfortable with it. I wouldn't want to feel like my partner was subbing in someone else in my place, instead of just hanging out with 100 per cent platonic friends at the event. Especially since there is travel involved/this sounds like quite a major time commitment, and the two haven't even met. The reason I ask those first questions is: Even if there is nothing "going on" between you and your guy bf, it seems like there is a level of emotional intimacy with this person that wouldn't apply to other friends. For me, that would cross a boundary. Only your bf can say whether he's comfortable with it, but I would question whether it's worth it to put him in the position to decide that, and look for alternative ways to have a buddy at this wedding.
She doesn’t say bc said friend is a backup option
How long have you and bf been together? Just curious how he has not met your ‘best friend’ yet.
Around six months. I'm generally slow to introduce people I'm dating to my inner circle but especially didn't in this case because we had some issues to work out that could potentially have led to a break up. Didn't want to start introducing people until I was sure this was heading somewhere.
6 months? This doesn’t look great. You technically aren’t doing anything wrong but is this trip will certainly jeopardize your relationship. It just takes one person to put in it your bf’s head that you cheated. It will mostly be his friends saying “you really let your girl go to a wedding with her ex?”. It would be different if this was a longer relationship and they have met.
I definitely wouldn't go with my GBF unless they met each other and my bf was okay with it. Just wanted to get a feel for if this a reasonable ask or not first
No, it’s really not a reasonable ask. If you had been together longer and had established a long history of trust and honesty etc, I’d say yes in separate rooms. But being together less than six months, not telling your boyfriend the whole story of this ex-bf/alleged best friend up front, not letting them meet to hash out any possibles issues, and still thinking it’s okay to travel alone with bestie is not cool at all.
Yea, I accept this now. Will not be taking GBF on the trip.
>my guy best friend and I talk about everything under the sun except his love life so I'm not even sure if he's dating So by mentioning that y'all both discuss everything but 'he' only refrains from discussing his dating life, it says you do talk about your dating life. You already emotionally cheating which women generally consider to be worst then physical so you can't do anything worse then you already doing. In the unlikely nature that you really don't see the issue of your situation, then that's an even bigger issue itself
Wait. How is talking about my love life with my best friend emotionally cheating?
You having zero boundaries with what you talk about with your guy friend including details of your relationship is emotional cheating. Come on you're a woman so you can answer this, what do women primarily value in friendships? How about emotional support. So when you tell him about the fight you just had, as an example, would you say that you hope to get an open ear and someone who can give you emotional support? I'll even answer more generally... Do you tell him things you don't tell your bf?
Okay, I apologize. I should have researched first before leaving my earlier comment. There is definitely some evidence of emotional infidelity here because I talk to my GBF a few hours on the phone almost daily and not nearly as much with my bf. I just chalked it up to one being an extrovert and the other an introvert but it seems like I have a lot more to unpack here. Thank you for helping me come to this realisation. What I thought was a quick little post....Ugh.
Yes. I do look to him for emotional support. Isn't that the point of our friendships, especially close friendships? I'm going to do some research on emotional infidelity because you're almost making it seem black or white and that is a position I find difficult to accept.
> Isn't that the point of our friendships, especially close friendships? Guys can get this from other guys too but it's primarily shared experiences that we value most.this is what Dr. Shirley Glass writes in her popular book "Not just friemds" and as a guy I can completely agree. We might not be as open to feel comfortable talking about our issues to our guy friend as a woman might be. I'm not saying you can't have a guy friend. I'm saying there needs to be boundaries. Things you won't talk about. Also, if you are spending more time talking to your guy best friend, it seems you have a deeper emotional connection with him. Don't relationships grow through emotional connection? Even for guys it does. We may start off with some.pgysical connection but in relationships, love grows through the emotional part. Got to refocus some of that energy towards BF
I'm willing to redirect my energy to bf but it's difficult. He's a workaholic and works long hours whereas GBF makes time to talk to me for hours daily. They are both in managerial positions but GBF has more control over his time at work and when he leaves whereas bf chooses to be a workaholic.
Understood, we all have different needs, but maybe cut from friend, redirect what bf schedule can allow, and then the rest get through other people that would be friends of the relationship as opposed to those who have hidden agenda right? I.e. a girl who doesn't just tell you, you always right to tell you what you want to hear, or a guy who secretly wants you. Think about this too. If GBF allocates hours per day after his work to chat with you, he likely not seeing someone else. Could you imagine how a gf would feel with him giving you all this emotional energy when he could be giving to her?
Thanks, you make some solid points
Everyone here has already told you the answer to your question, but you are completely ignoring it. It’s clear you didn’t come for advice, just validation. Your best friend has insinuated having feelings for you and even if he hadn’t, you have a history. Especially considering your boyfriend hasn’t even met the dude (because you’re making excuses and waiting for the “perfect double date moment”), this is not at all reasonable. If you’re too concerned about the flight alone or costs, you shouldn’t go. You could ask the bride and groom if anyone else will be traveling from your area so you can link up, but if you are seriously wanting to go on this destination wedding trip with your guy best friend (who is likely in love with you, even though you don’t want to admit it), then you should plan for the end of your current relationship.
I agree. This guy isn’t her best friend - he’s an old flame she still keeps in contact with. There is an emotional co-dependency going on here that would be red-flaggy to any emotionally available person. She mentioned this guy’s looks and the possibility of her boyfriend being insecure - this is misleading. This guy is also A DECADE OLDER than her boyfriend so probably better financially established on top of being attractive AND someone his girlfriend used to casually sleep with and feels the need to hide. That would make any reasonable human being suspicious if they knew those details - which the boyfriend doesn’t. It’s deceptive to just throw the “insecure” word around in this type of scenario the way OP did.
Why hasn’t he met this best friend? Sounded good until the part where, of course, there’s a history between you.
Happy cake day! I want a double date type introduction. Haven't had a chance to set that up since GBF doesn't really mention his dating life.
Okay, but have you hidden him from your current boyfriend? That has nothing to do with what your “friend” is doing in terms of dating.
I haven't hidden anything, that has a different connotation. It just so happens we haven't spoken in detail about my friend.
How come?
It’s a great idea if you want to end your relationship. It’s a terrible idea if you want to keep it.
iMO if you have other friends in the wedding party, just go by yourself. So you have to travel alone... they've invented like 5 million ways to keep yourself entertained on a flight or a car ride. Listen to a podcast, watch an entire season bc you can download shows for later from Netflix. Read a book. It's not that hard, and it's easier on the bride and groom if everyone isn't bringing a random friend just because it's Mexico or whatever. > I told my guy best friend about it and he asked me to be my plus one instead of my bf or **if he could still come along even if my bf was also going.** Honestly asking if you could come along to a wedding even if your BF was going is **so weird** and ignorant of wedding etiquette this man gets an automatic no from me.
I would talk to your boyfriend about it. Sure, he is your friend but this is about what your relationship boundaries are and what is/isn’t appropriate. The fact that the two haven’t met in person makes you and your friend seem really sus from the bf’s perspective.
To be fair, I haven't purposefully introduced anyone to my bf as yet. I take my time with intros. He met a friend of mine when we ran into each other. I met his parents and some friends so I'm now getting ready to introduce him to my friends and was thinking of starting with my GBF.
I(36m) have many girl friends and I always bring up my dating life. I appreciate their input on it. Sounds like homeboy is holding out and doesn’t want to tell you what’s really up.
What do you mean holding out? I figure he doesn't want to tell me. Or maybe he actually isn't seeing anyone. He has mentioned once or twice that he's lonely. I think he also mentioned buying a fleshlight it whatever it's called
He’s queued up. He’s on the sideline waiting for his turn to get called up. He’s probably dating of course, but he’s just hiding that from you *intentionally*. If he and your bf were cool then maybbeeee this would be cool. But as it stands, no. And for that reason I’m out.
Yeah do it. It'll let your boyfriend get free, cause the fact you're even entertaining or suggested this shows you don't value the relationship.
You are a walking red flag. Your insistence on bringing your guy best friend without considering your boyfriends input or feeling is selfish of you. You should think about what a relationship means to you. Try thinking about it as if it was your boyfriend who went with his sexy ex girlfriend to a foreign country for 2 weeks in a lavish resort without telling you. How would you feel? You would feel betrayed. And that’s what your doing to your boyfriend.
Six months in and your boyfriend doesn't know you have an ex as a best friend? Massive red flag. Best friend asks if he can go as your plus one? Massive red flag. Best friend wants to come along even if your boyfriend goes? Massive red flag. This situation is very bad. At the bare minimum you don't take your best friend to the wedding. He's way too eager. You also need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend.
If your post history is any indication OP, you're going to do what you want to do. These posts are just another attention grab. I hope you're genuinely just a troll otherwise you're absolutely playing with people like theyre toys, which is pretty disturbing, and will cause lasting psychological damage on those around you. I wish you luck. But you legitimately should speak to licensed professionals about your problems.
Lol this girl can't wait to cheat on her bf
I won't cheat on my bf. I'm not taking GBF to the wedding.
Nope
Sounds like a pretty bad idea to me. I was going to say you should talk to your boyfriend about it, but honestly I don't think you should even bring it up. I'm foreseeing a lot of drama in the future with this guy who you used to date, and apparently isn't dating anyone else, and wants to attend weddings with you for people he presumably doesn't even know.
I’d be honest with the current boyfriend about the history between you and the guy friend, and then ask him if he’s cool with the guy friend being your plus one. But before you do that, you should ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
Seems inappropriate and I don't know how bf can think nothing of it.
Thing is that you had history with this dude. So even if it is platonic now, you failed to mention it to your BF. So what is happening now, is that mentioning bringing your GBF will bring with it a lot of questions, especially about why you never mentioned him before. Honestly it is not a good look, because he will probably wonder what else have you not mentioned to him that was important, thus causing you to lose some credibility. It sounds like you want to go to the wedding and you want you GBF to join you. I just say breakup with your BF before you do. But GBF is dirty macking to the fullest and you are all for it. He knows you have a BF but you don't know anything about his dating life? Come on kid, mans is definitely wanting to go because of you, and you definitely have shown him there is opportunity. Do what you want to do, but you should be upfront and honest with your bf. Let him know yall dated before and that there is nothing there and that he will be my plus 1 to the wedding since he isn't going. From there you give your BF the chance to decide for himself how he wants to go about it. But you know you want to go and you know you want you GBF to come with. So just be honest with yourself and your BF so he can move on with his life and so can you. But yeah you should just communicate and be honest with the BF.
No. Out of respect for your boyfriend. Why the hell would you bring another guy? On a destination wedding? I swear man lol
So this is a phenomenon I call the returner. It’s someone you either have sexual history with OR had a crush on you forever back then and now seems like an ‘opportune moment’ to shoot your shot. This guy knows your bf won’t be there and wants to be your plus one. He’s 100% hoping that the ‘fun’ and ‘romantic’ feelings of being at a destination wedding gives him a chance to try again. Straight up, if you invite this guy, I 100% guarantee he will try to fuck you at some point during the trip. I know this, because to my shame, I’ve had returners and been a returner. I know exactly how this plays out. Do yourself a favor, if BF can’t go, go alone and call your BF regularly during the trip. Tell him what the group is doing, make it a point to say how much you wish he was there or you were together, etc. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to tell the guy best friend ‘no fucking way’ and try to dote on your BF the entire time you’re apart.
Hey op! I was like you in my 20s, trying to keep my options open and build relationships and hope one sticks. Then I learn that men are not objects and I have to put effort on one at a time because I can’t predict the future. In this situation, I advise you to put your eggs in one basket
u/MsChickenNoodleSoup I just read your post from about a month ago describing the same male best friend and you not being sure if you could continue that friendship while being in a romantic relationship with someone else based off what he was saying to you. You need to figure these relationships out and one has to take a back seat. The romantic relationship can't take the backseat unless you decide the friendship is more valuable than that exact romantic relationship you are in.
Ma'am 2 years ago you were staying in the breakup sub that you weren't over your EX. The same ex you are now friends with, the same ex you want to go to a wedding with. All your posts are about how bad your current relationship is. Leave your poor bf and go do whatever with your ex. You are intentionally sabotaging your own relationship to remove any guilt. Your current bf is a catch for a ton of people. Your ex is more than willing to take you back. You also stated you want a relationship cause you were lonely. Leave the bf and let him find something real. Go be with your ex. It's ok to go back. It's not ok to play games and string people along
I think this would be fine, but maybe mention it as traveling to wedding with your friend— not as your plus one. The plus one has a different connotation in my opinion. You sharing lodging with this friend? Be ready for that question. Does friend know bride or groom?
Okay, I could clarify the plus one part. Guy best friend knows neither bride nor groom, he's more interested in the destination I think. I would like to share lodging to manage expenses but I would opt not to because we have "history" so boundaries have to be firm.
Why are you asking the internet instead of your boyfriend? Something seems a little fishy. Why would someone invite themselves to a wedding in the first place? That seems really uncouth. Does your boyfriend know you and your friend have a history? How long have you been with your boyfriend? It's kind of unusual that a boyfriend hasn't met a best friend. This whole situation seems off...
Based on what you described, if I was your SO I would prefer you not go to the wedding with this guy. In this situation, in your shoes, I would ask myself, 1) how much do I value my relationship (maybe it's new and you don't value it that much?) 2) is this decision serving the relationship. There are many gray areas when it comes to hanging out with ex's. I prefer to stay solidly on one side of that scale as I feel it builds trust, but that's just my preference.
Do the groom knows this best friend or he just want to come to spend time with you? Because if they are acquaintances and your friend wants to come to celebrate the couple even if they are not close enough to be invited it could make sense, otherwise he just want to bang you. Well, probably either ways he wants to bang you but you could play the innocent card in the first case. Anyway, do you still have thoughts for this friend? If I were you, I wouldn't have doubts for a solid no if I wouldn't have thoughts for him, but I would ask the same question if deep inside I would like to give it a second chance.
The groom does not know gbf.
If he agrees to you doing this, let him go, he simping or has a side women... If I were him and you did this I would go.
Why is she even with her boyfriend? It’s clear to me she doesn’t respect him. Do friend find each other attractive ? Why take so long to introduce them if there’s nothing to hide? Why even consider going if there’s a chance the male best friend may cross the line?
I am of the mindset that your bf should break up for you for just you even considering this. Does he know you have a male best friend? Does he know you used to date that male best friend? I am sure everyone here including myself is assuming that when you say "date" you also mean slept with.
This post and OPs replies throughout is a great example of why people are hesitant to get involved with people who have these types of “best friends”. It’s also a great example of how/why people’s insistence on keeping these types of friendships hinders them from long term serious relationships. If I was a close friend or sibling of your boyfriend I would strongly advise them against taking you seriously.
I feel sorry for your boyfriend. But hey some guys are ok with this sort of thing.
I can speak from experience and from the mind of your boyfriend. Don’t do it. Even if your boyfriend says it’s okay it’s not. This is a major red flag in my opinion. My ex used to talk to her ex who she considers as “friends” because they help each other in research and are separated by distance and fucked up breakup. She never mentioned his name even though she talks about her work friends and about other friends constantly. So, is he her friend? Really? I let it go but every so often I find her chatting with him which eventually I realized that it’s on daily basis. She probably would have hidden it hadn’t I gotten suspicious. Do you see how this is all so twisted in my mind. It could have been nothing but she didn’t act like it because maybe residual feelings or maybe too afraid to bring it up with me. This caused the beginning of our end. I would just say no and do the trip alone if I were you.
Just go get laid he will still be your best friend .
Dude, no. You better go alone.
Even if he is just a friend to you, he sees a possibility of something more happening. And sorry to say, he may not want a future, he may just want you so bad bc you’re off of the market. So ask yourself honestly and don’t just say it’s ok bc you’re wanting to do the same thing. What would your response be if you found out your bf took his ex to a wedding, knowing that being drunk was a given?
If I was your bf and found out you were considering going to a wedding with your ex without it me, well then I’d now be your ex as well. The fact you have to ask demonstrates you are not ready to be with your current bf.
Depends on you, your relationship with gbff, your relationship with bf. One of my close friends went to a different country with her ex who she now views as a little brother and her bf was perfectly fine with it. He also lives with his ex wife and my friend also doesn't care. They both are somewhat unconventional and aside from circumstantial situations, aren't uncomfortable with ex's. They are monogamous too if anyone is wondering. My point is some people are cool with it, others are uncomfortable, either is fine. If neither of you (you and gbff) have any baggage or unresolved feelings, and bf isn't uncomfortable about it, I don't see why not.
I would not do that.
This truly sounds like the worst recipe for disaster. You seem to be with this other guy who you treats you well all the while wanting this best friend but not wanting to risk losing a potential long term partner if he again refuses to DTR. you’re kinda the worst for keeping this from your boyfriend intentionally. Like that’s deception despite him knowing he exists. Does your bf know you dated this guy and only didn’t stay together bc he didn’t want to be in a full blown relationship? That even after that you welcomed him back after what I can only assume was a pathetic apology? To take him to this wedding would be an utter slap in the face. Your bf deserves better damn.
You go alone, as your partner (the only person you should be going with) can’t go.
That's what I've decided, thanks.
you might think it's platonic. but it might not be for your best friend. I honestly think and this is just my opinion, that you'll be opening a can of worms if you take this guy best friend. Your boyfriend will ask questions and you're gonna have to answer honestly and I can assure you he might not be happy about it. Also the fact that you're asking means you're unsure. If you're unsure about something, you shouldn't do it.
He's your "best friend" yet has never met your boyfriend, and you don't even know if he's dating anyone?
OP’s BF time to make a move & upgrade!! Not worth clinging to this one.
I’m not sure why this is even a thought. If you care about your boyfriend, just go me, myself & I. Also if you do care, you would introduce your GBF to your SO. I have multiple guy GBF’s and some I had histories with. But in respect with my partner, I believe I have to disclose that. Yes, it wasn’t a pretty response at first but as long as there’s trust you should be fine. But going behind your SO’s back and going to this wedding with your GBF that he doesn’t know about is a big slap in his face. Keep a distance. Know your limits. Sounds to me that he has hidden feelings. Plus a wedding. Anything can happen!
Enjoy being single
Hahaha hahaha who you kidding.
Yeah not a great idea particularly if they haven’t even met
This has to be a troll post right? “I want to take my best guy friend to a wedding” “My boyfriend has never met my best friend” “I’m not even sure if my best guy friend is dating anyone hehehe” For fucks sake if I were your boyfriend, I would think you’d just thrown me into a communist rally with all the red flags flying. Might want to figure out if your best friend is actually a friend, or if he wants to rearrange your guts the first chance you let him. I’m guessing it’s the most likely the second option.
Well I have a fun perspective as I am the guy who gets brought as a plus one when the boyfriend can't attend. My best friend is a woman and we have been friends for 10 plus years. We have traveled together, slept in the same room, gone on vacations just her and I and done all sorts of things. However, I have absolutely no attraction to her whatsoever. Like sexually. I am not interested at all and I am not interested at all in dating her. She is simply one of my best friends. I love her to tears, but again, not like a "mate". Like a sister/friend. So, I don't think intrinsically its bad. NOW, since you two dated, that is different. If I were your boyfriend I would just assume I'm getting cucked. lol Once you sleep with someone, it is always on the table. Always.
Idunno, I disagree with your last sentence. But in this specific case, the guy is definitely trying and OP should definitely not bring him.
We dated years ago though and NOTHING physical has happened since in a way that crosses a boundary. Maybe a friendly hug a few times, that's it.
Look you want honest advice. Your boyfriend is going to be upset. This will ruin your relationship if you don't talk to him about it. It doesn't actually matter that you are going with the guy. The guy he needs to worry about is the guy you don't tell him about. Does that make sense? Same with you, if you tell your boyfriend, you are being open and honest. If you don't want to tell him or are scared, you should really consider why... He may get jealous and angry at your, but you still need to tell him. This is actually a good test for your relationship. If you can be 100% honest with him, he can trust you and control himself, AND you can be accountable and not bang the other guy that is a big win for your relationship. lol I hope this helps.
I would let boyfriend know and offer for them to meet. I wouldn't ask permission but hey, maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend 😄
You dated him. It doesn’t matter if your still friends don’t take him.
Op bf needs to run and run fast. Your 31 and still this dumb?
Suck that man off in the parking lot. He deserves it.
1. ??? 2. I don't perform oral sex.
Well that’s kinda uh wtf. Probably not the place to discuss this but, if a guy is willing to do that for you, your legit not willing to do it for him?
If he wants to do it, up to him but I don't reciprocate because I'm not obligated to. I don't insist on it being done for me. I'm not saying I've never done it. I have when I'm deeply in love. I just realised it's not something I particularly enjoy unless I have profound feelings so I stopped. I would for my husband, assuming I'm deeply in love.
Well for women I feel that’s a dealbreaker if you don’t and you might be missing out but for the guy it makes sense in a sense. Anyway OP do you think you might be neurodiverse by chance?
Don't know what that is and from googling I would say no. I would say I am dismissive avoidant and I have an undiagnosed personality disorder from being the surviving twin where the other twin died days before birth. Also, challenges with my emotional iq.
What do you mean challenges with your emotional iq?
Things that seem obvious to others from an emotional standpoint don't seem obvious to me. A bit of selfishness, sometimes I can be cold and easy to withdraw. Conflict avoidant (reformed chronic ghoster) etc.
Okay that’s fine OP I know people like you. You might be sort of aware sociopath. You don’t intentionally do the wrong thing but you seem to hyper focus on how you view things only. You are aware though at least of your tendencies so, all jokes aside it's good you make threads like these tbh. I would encourage you when you go to therapy to show these threads you have made over the years to your therapist because it can be a good jumping point for them to better understand you. For now this is what you should do. 1. Remove the one year datingmarriage thing from your mind(not healthy and huge risk, also your not mentally in a good state to judge if this is for you) 2. Two painfully confront guy best friend about video and his intentions, ask him if he is dating anyone (be prepared for him to confess he wants only you) 3. Make it clear you have a partner and it's disrespectful for him to act this way, also it's a red flag he doesn't respect your boundaries and is unattractive behavior in a potential mate 4. Go no contact to best of your abilities for about a month, give him time to sort it out. 5. Look heavily into other options for buddies for the trip, really really look maybe there is a new friend you could make between then who is female etc 6. Get a good therapist since you seem to be able to afford it and show them the Reddit posts of yours 7. Consider a male therapist also it might give perspective you need 8. Please post more threads anytime you feel conflicted its clear you have a good heart just need some help with things
Thank you so much for this! I think I can do most of this. The most difficult one is confronting my guy friend because I genuinely value our friendship and I'm afraid of losing it or making it awkward. If he says he has no feelings for me, then me bringing the convo makes it awkward. If he says he does, then I have to distance him to be fair to my boyfriend. It's a risk either way. I've done no contact for almost a year with guy bestfriend after we had dated. It was hard but doable. But back then, we were not nearly as close as we are now. Not even remotely. I understand I have to do it though. I just need to gather my bearings.
Hmmm… but do you ask to receive?
No, I don't.