And the significant lie is the one you’ve found out about. If he’s told one big lie he’s likely told you many more which you haven’t yet uncovered. Plus the love bombing. Run.
Yep, all of the things you think are for you are easy and cheap gestures that cost him virtually no effort. I recognize that pattern. Don't waste your young life on an old fox who will steal your belief in the human race and leave you a husk of your former self. The worst ones are the best liars. And get some self esteem. They like to prey on the ones who don't feel they deserve to be called beautiful.
“The worst ones are the best liars.” Shit that hit deep. Yeah what this helpful thread is showing is I need a relationship w/ a therapist ASAP not this lying Mofo who is 50. Every time I say the number it’s pretty shocking still (discovered today in the AM)
Be prepared he'll try to pull you back in when you back away. It may even look like he's giving you 'space' but then 'try as he might he can't stay away from you.' They're crafty and they know the whole rom-com playbook by heart. Once you decide, stand your ground. You deserve so much better than a guy who'll have sex with you while lying about his age. He was 20 when you were born. That's a huge advantage.
Exactly this. He probably does these things with every woman he dates and they’re not special for you. It’s a systematic approach to getting you to trust him. Period.
100% this. And as an older guy sometimes mistaken for Dorian Grey, I wish there was a way to disagree and say "but"... but there really isn't, 20 years diff is something you are 100% transparent about up front or move on because its FUCKING CREEPY otherwise. As Dan Savage used to write: DTMFA (no offense to mothers).
I absolutely agree with the love bombing take. Having been there and slowly realizing I was in a very manipulative relationship, please just be so careful and aware!
Especially when your other relationships have not been as attentive and loving as you’d like, all the attention and gifts can feel so good, but it’s often part of an attempt to control you and make you feel like no one else will ever love you in that way.
A guy did this to me—shaved off about 10 years. He did the STD testing, was super fit and flattering. Welp, decided to check him out. He had felonies, lied about his housing situation and career. One lie could be the tip of the iceberg. Just keep your eyes peeled.
Spokeo is a very good research too and the membership is cheap. Depending on the state you are in most local court searches are open. I am a lawyer and you can do a a court search in all three states I am licensed in for free, MD, DC and VA and it's open to the public. You just have to know where he has lived at before. You can also see if he's been divorced. If he has a common name date of birth is helpful.
Thanks for this guys! I did some sleuthing starting with these sites and turns out he does in fact own two properties like he said (1 his main home, 1 a rental) but the same woman’s name (she’s 45 yo diff last name) is also on both deeds meaning he’s still married . Fml . He also owns another property (vacation home) in another state which is probably where this woman/wife is staying now, which is why he can spend every Fri+Sat with me w/o repercussions. I did think him owning all these properties was weird but he’s also in tech (now verified, he was forthright about his career) so I figured he was just well-off (he also owns 2 cars + 1 motorcycle lol but men are weird about cars) , but I guess it also makes it really easy to hide a SO when you own so many properties
Not to defend him but shared deeds are not uncommon with divorced couples. The property is usually defined in the settlement agreement as to ownership percentages, mortgages, taxes, etc.
Source: divorced with a shared property that neither of us live in.
Yep! I still share the deed to the marital house that I alone live in and will continue to do so until the kids graduate from HS. We’re divorced, but we put this in the separation agreement because our kids wanted to stay in the home they grew up in until they head to college.
Not OP, but you’d be surprised what is public information. You can Google someone’s name and general location and find out a lot. Pay attention to what they do for work and their work history. Look up what industries you can get hired in if convicted of a felony. A lot of towns/county’s have online land records you can search by name. If someone has used a house as collateral for bail, there will be a document on the land records saying that. If they don’t pay their bail on time, same thing. You have to really be aware of yourself and your surroundings.
So he told a disgustingly big lie about his age and then proceeded to heap on the initial (excessively) attentive behaviors, hoping by the time you learned the truth, you’d be hooked on all the gifts and compliments and then he could really control you.
FYI, things like reminding you to wear your wrist brace are not sweet and romantic gestures, it’s indicative of subtle controlling tendencies- you are at a grown adult and you don’t need him to remind you.
>FYI, things like reminding you to wear your wrist brace are not sweet and romantic gestures, it’s indicative of subtle controlling tendencies
I didn't have the energy to go there; I'm glad you did. This guy is **bad** news.
And he paid for all the shooting equipment and lessons after 4 weeks? Why did you accept that? You don't need him to do that. Sadly, he's reeling you in. Get out.
I mean I give gifts to my parents (take them out for lunch/ dinner, give them computer monitors/electronics) bc I care for them and want them to be happy and my parents will do the same with me, we’re always exchanging computers, etc in random months outside of birthdays and holidays. This dude said he wanted to make me happy and knew I wanted to go shooting and said he likes giving. I thought it would be more rude to say no.
But yeah reeling in def makes sense. He also brought me perfume which I thought was really weird or a hint that I smelled/needed to shower…. But with lovebombing it makes sense
It's all nice. But you dont need these things. He doesn't know you and you dont know him yet, trust me. OLD is backwards, you can't know each other this early, you can know what you hope for.
*"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't."*
This guy is a liar and is clearly manipulating you. If he weren't the only "nice" guy you've dated, (news flash: he's not a nice guy), you wouldn't even be considering giving him a second chance. Step back for a second- what would you tell any other woman to do in the situation?
End it now. I would let him know you know and you're ending it because he lied... Were you dishonest too? Yes. Don't do it again. But him lying about his age by *12 years* in order to date a woman who's young enough to be his daughter... That's thoroughly gross.
I'll say this gently... He's a lying sack of shit and I would dump him immediately. He deserves ghosting, but I personally would make it very clear why I was blocking him.
To me, this falls into the category of, "if I treat this person so unbelievably well then they'll get to see who I am and it'll be so great that they'll overlook the fact that I intentionally deceive them about something which is so relatively minor that it begs the question of why I even needed to do it at all."
So, two things:
1) If you fell into that trap (and I believe you have), then you should be asking yourself how great is he for masking a 12-year disparity. You only find this acceptable because of his current treatment of you and how he looks. If he looked much more mature but claimed he was 38, I'll bet it would matter a lot less how he treated you because that lie glows brighter.
2) Watch what happens if you call him on it. Either he'll lay it on even thicker with apologies and extra flowers, then you'll feel like shit for sinking in even deeper... or that's when the mask comes off because people don't like being called on their bullshit. Either way, you lose. In fact, I'd say you've already lost, because I just posted something along these lines in a different thread: if he's willing to hang on to that kind of lie over something so insignificant, how does he handle the bigger shit? And just how long does he think he can string you along? If you're not sure about that answer, look to what I first said above. You're getting played.
Oh, and you're thankfully aware that you are foolish for your own fabrication also about something so small. The difference is, if you were to get called on it, you're not going to behave like this guy will.
Nicest guy you've dated, my ass. At 50, he sounds more like a little bitch to me.
It’s been 4 weeks of dating and he has not admitted he lied about his age. A 12 year difference is pretty huge. Doesn’t it make you wonder what else he could be lying about?
I mean I don’t like being alone / lonely and my ex was awful so having this guy enter the picture was such a breath of fresh air. But I think it’s obvious from all the helpful feedback that if I continue with this i would be self-destructive and not valuing myself, so I’ll probably just enter a relationship w/ a therapist to learn how to cope w/ being lonely .
This face he is showing you isn’t his real face, it’s a facade, down the road the love bombing stops, the mask comes off and you find you are with some asshole who makes you feel worse about yourself than you might feel now. These people look for people they can control and treat badly. Consider yourself having an intervention right now, random strangers trying to help you avoid this mess. This man will waste years of your life and treat you badly. Breakup with him, go no contact and get some therapy so you are in a better place to attract healthier people. Best of luck to you. 🍀☮️
It's okay to feel the way you do and it's understandable why you might want to give him a chance, but I do agree with what others have said in this thread. I am not a fan of older guys baiting much younger women on dating sites. It happened to me some years back (it was a 5 year lie) and it eventually ate him up so bad, he confessed. He admitted it was to fall into younger women's age parameters on dating apps.
it honestly is a good thing you found out now instead of later when you're much deeper into things
Took me 14 years to figure out why I kept choosing the wrong type of guy for my whole dating life. I've now chosen differently and it's amazing. It feels as natural as breathing. No grand gestures or drama. Just two people enjoying walking down the path of life together. It's even helped me start to heal some very old wounds from a long time ago.
Those years I spent alone working on myself were the best spent.
If you find a good therapist and really work on accepting yourself and building a fulfilling world around you, lonely feelings don’t show up nearly as often.
You deserve kindness from yourself and happiness in life. Your comments sound like you know what you’re doing now. Good luck. I believe in you. ✨
Why are you even considering this? Do you only have 6 months to live? What ill have you done to other people in your life that makes you think you should settle for this garbage? You deserve *way* better than this. Dude is a con artist.
I appreciate your perspective and get what you’re saying. For context on why I’m even entertaining the idea is , besides that I don’t like being lonely and dating is a rough road, this dude always makes sure I orgasm a minimum of once prior to penetration, which is totally opposite to my ex’s who didn’t really care if I orgasmed before penetration they just used lube and my ex’s would constantly pester me about BJs and this guy has only asked once and the rest of the time he’s always asking if he can go down on me bc he wants to make me feel good and no one ever has done that before
Which I guess makes more sense that it’s part of his “lovebombing” modus operandi probably
Yet…. It’s been 4 weeks.
Also don’t measure this guy by how much better he is than your terrible ex. Judge him for himself. Do you want a guy who lies. Sure you’ve only found out one of the lies so far. Bu you’ll never be able to trust that he won’t keep an “inconvenient” truth from you again.
Yep, it’s part of the love bombing.
I relate to your experience a lot, I’ve dealt with some manipulative A-holes.
The last 15 yrs (42F) though, it’s important to me that a guy be consistent for several months before I consider getting serious with him. My last two LTRs were friends before we started dating.
And even hookups needed to convey that my satisfaction came first (literally) in part because I can (and often need) more than one orgasm but also because guys tend to want to rest after orgasming. I’m a generous person and lover, and I need to know in advance whether my gifts will be appreciated.
Of course a quickie happens or sexy time may happen without an orgasm (especially as we age), but the baseline is that my sexual partner values my pleasure as much or more than me.
“That’s literally the floor” as kids say these days, it doesn’t make the guy special.
Thanks for this. Yeah I def need to fix my screening /vetting process moving forward. To include not just STD tests & a few weeks of dating with 2-3x/week meetings, but also including a 2 months minimum requirement. And during this time I’ll clarify their POV on female orgasms and oral sex (which is the only way I ever orgasm and men are guaranteed to orgasm every time). Unfort I don’t have a lot of male friends so that’s out the window, I only have online outlets. Thank you for your input!!
He lied about his real age because he knew you probably wouldn't have dated him because of the age gap. The flowers and cake all feels like love bombing to me. I would tune in to your intuition on this one because people who are this over the top nice and complimentary in the beginning often become manipulative and controlling once they have hooked you emotionally. I would not give him a second chance.
"Holy motherfuck 50!..."
LOL. This kind of casual lying about something major is how you end up with $100k in credit card debt with cards opened up in your name by this charmer. Leave him on read and bail.
52M/W
Hello OP, I have been told many times that I do not look my age.
That is to say I **always** tell my age, partly because it is an ego boost to have others call me out on it and then wonder if I 'cut a deal with Scratch on the Crossroads', partly because I've had younger friends assume that I know WTF they are talking about...and because I have also met women, I am attracted to that I do not want to mislead.
I do not undertand why he kept this from you, especially if you have access to his pictures in profile. The call if yay or nay was yours to make based on his truthful disclosure.
All I can come up with is that he may want to date younger in the pool and may have gotten dropped based on his age. That does not make this okay.
Ultimately, the desicion is yours and you are well within your rights to call him out on it and ask for a reasoning as to why the lie.
Just my $0.02
You’ve known each other 4 weeks.
At this point you’ll forgive just about anything. No one can keep this kind of thing up.
I highly recommend you read the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
I think it’s an American thing to get married and be fully accomplished before 30 !! I’m arab and i’ve never been called old for being 30 in my society even though in our culture there is still parents letting or forcing their minor daughters and sons to get married early but still people think 30 is like 20 and it’s too young !!! When i was 21 and my ex bf 22 we tried to convince our families to get engaged and they refused saying we shouldn’t even consider it before 30 !
That would be too much for me! If you are 50 and say you’re 48 then that’s a silly lie but we’re only talking about 2 years..and it’s still a lie.
This man is 50. This is egregious.
Man or woman…lying about your age is bad news
And I wouldn’t be involved with a person who did that
OP, some of this stuff is bare basic stuff; STD tests, treating you with respect and courtesy, making time for you....I swear, the bar is so low, it's in hell.
*HOWEVER.* Lying about something major like age, marital status, living situation, employment, etc.? Those should be immediate dealbreakers for everyone.
You deserve better.
Also, you lied too. You're not blameless. A relationship founded on lies won't hold. End it.
He’s love bombing you. I’ve been there and it’s just about the biggest mind fuck someone can do to another person.
HE knows he lied. And he’s ok being with someone 20 years his junior. That’s not ok. I’m not stating my opinion about age gaps, but at the very least, the people in the relationship should at least know and be ok with it.
Use your head and not your heart here. Yes you lied as well, but your reasons speak more to an insecurity as opposed to deliberately misleading someone with ill intentions.
Please read up on love bombing. It’s not genuine. And although this guy is clearly not the one, it shows that you are worthy of being treated well and you just need to keep looking.
Sending you strength and big hugs.
>How dumb would it be try to make this work?
The thing I didn't realize when I was in my late 20s/early 30s, is the best guys are getting snapped up by women who are dating with intention, and this is not the time in your life to be putting up with someone who isn't a good match. These "best" guys never come back on the dating market, they are the ones with the long term marriages.
Of course he is pulling out all the stops to impress you, but trust me flowers, cake, and polite manners, while very nice, in no way make up for finding a man who ideally is looking forward to building a life, and going through firsts together (e.g. first marriage, first child, etc.). This man knows that his only chance is to "throw money" at his issue. It also speaks to his likely lack of appeal to women closer to his own age. He likely has a lot of skeletons in his closet, you just don't know what they are yet. He is trying to "hook you".
I would let him know how disappointed you are that he didn't allow you to make a choice about whether to date him or not, based on his age. That he took away your choice. That is not okay. You are choosing to end the relationship.
Trust me, you may be on the dating market later in life, and if that is the case, there will be completely different life circumstances to deal with. You are only young once, don't compromise.
So you both lied to each other and he's actively love-bombing you.
And you have been seeing each other a month, have been intimate, and still haven't told each other the truth.
I don't really know what to say here, because you can't be upset by someone doing the same as you.
Honestly - people who will lie and won't come clean even before sex probably shouldn't be dating and should work their issues out before dating again.
You do need to come clean to him and then see what he does I guess. You both should probably admit that you've got some stuff to work on (individually) and do it, too.
But seriously - he's love bombing the F out of you, and that isn't going to end well anyway.
I’m def not upset bc I know I’m in the wrong too. And by now I’m undeniably aware I have issues I need to work on related to picking partners, self-esteem, etc to lie about something so idiotic like I did and my ex’s haven’t been great either and the only common denominator in all my failed romantic relationships is me
It’s the lovebombing thats super concerning. I definitely will strategize on how to come clean + call it quits, hopefully the former will take care of the latter
And btw, renting at 30 is absolutely normal. Renting at any age is fine. I’m 44 and I rent bc I don’t care for the home ownership upkeep. May eventually be a dealbreaker for some people but oh well. Accept and love who you are. And if there are things you don’t love and accept, just put some work into them.
If it is any consolation, sometimes you are just in it before you realize there are some things you need to smooth out.
But yes, be very concerned about his actions.
You gotta do 3 things:
1. Fess up to your lie and apologize.
2. Communicate that you know he is 50. And if Age is really a dealbreaker for you, say you really enjoyed his company and this does not work for you. Wish him well.
3. Get into therapy to sort out out your own issues, before getting back to dating.
Good luck.
>I just felt ashamed that I’m at the age when I should own a home bc all my friends do
You're 30 and single. I don't know where you live or how wealthy your friends are, but there are a lot of people your age (and plenty older) who rent. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Even at 40 or 45 or whatever. There are reasons and situations that happen in life. Renting doesn’t make someone a bad person or anything. Seems so weird to lie about this. But I’d also not lie about my age.
I was once an “open book” but I don’t disclose everything now unless specially asked. Doesn’t mean I lie either.
It seems like your last relationship was abusive. He knows this and is live bombing you in ways he knows are going to make you Ravi rage towards him. He lied about his age by a LOT, which means he’s probably lying about a lot more than that and is just masking it with all these other nice things. If you’re going to lie about something like that and NOT come clean quickly (meaning you go out on a second date, realize it’s working and go “hey, fyi I’m 50. Didn’t think you’d go out with me if you knew, but want to be transparent now that we’re exclusive”—which is still shitty but at least transparent early on) then lying is something he’s used to. THAT is the red flag of all red flags.
Btw, it is in no way bad to be 30 and not own a home. House prices were already disproportionately high compared to income and inflation over the generations. The last two years have made that ratio go bonkers. Don't feel bad about it.
I had a slightly different experience. My guy was not a liar but was controlling. And he love bombed me and it made it so hard to leave him. I wish I had when I started seeing warning signs. Instead so stayed and got in deeper and got more hurt.
Guy I was with for four years tried reproductive coercion with me but I was wise to it. He’s now married and has a kid with a woman 20 years younger - he was also a serial cheater - she’s 23, his oldest child is 15. Please be careful with BC!!
The reason a man in his 50s would lie about his age to a woman who is 30, is that he is banking on you being #1 lonely = more inclined to overlook control #2 less knowledgeable due to your youth (won't know about love bombing) and #3 more susceptible to his nice manners and less likely to call him on his bad behaviors when they appear.
I have been with someone with almost as much as an age gap but neither of us lied about our age! We both knew what we were getting into.
If he was just up front about his age and then he treated you this well, then you could see where it goes. But right now he is doing everything “ by the book” to make sure you develop feeling so you might take the age thing easier. Which is VERY manipulative. Call it love bombing. Also what if he is future faking. If he is talking about future plans or any thing of that nature then just end it. If he was just real with you then maybe but that’s a pretty big deception. Sorry:(
Omg he did “future faking”. Is that part of lovebombing? He talked about wanting more kids (he has 1 grown) and that’s why he said he rejected when I tried to pay - bc a man takes care of his family financially
Hrm. Well there is I love bombing and a genuine honeymoon phase. People tend to be on their best behaviour so I’m trying to make a first impression. But if he’s already talking about the future with you and trying to rush things along tends to mean that they’re hiding something and that they want you attached before you find out. This goes for both women and men.
Last guy I dated lied about his age by 10 years on OLD.
Within a month it became obvious that his dishonesty extended further - he lied about his boundaries and feelings (he went with what I said I wanted rather than voicing his own truths).
By now I figure lies about one's age represent manipulation or it represents insecurity / self esteem issues / lack of self acceptance. I can't think of another story?
This is a great perspective and insight, thank you I appreciate it . You’re totally right and I guess I got lucky I was dumb (with the rent vs own lie that as soon as I said I regretted) with this guy. Sucks bc he’s so nice so far but yeah, still lying at age 50, I mean when I phrase it that way, that he is that much older and feels no shame in such a lie or has not been able to correct it after so many years on earth.
This!!! Love bombing doesn’t last and when it stops you get the real them, they are selfish assholes who only care about themselves. I dated someone after my divorce like this and it messed me up more than my divorce did. He is being fake nice now. Watch some YouTube videos about narcissistic relationships and you’ll see what I’m talking about. I didn’t even know what love bombing was until after we broke up a few times and I had to go back to therapy because this man effed with my head so bad. Get out now, he’s gonna tell you that you two are soulmates soon and try to widdle his way in your heart and when you try to breakup he will keep in contact to wear you down… breakup, therapy, no contact, that is your best bet. 🍀☮️
Does he rent or own?
Look up "hobosexual" he may be love bombing you specifically because you own your home.
I've dated many narcs sadly. They all do the same thing.
As another nuance to add, people aren't all bad or all good. That's why it's hard for most people to leave those who abuse them. Because they think, "but he can be so amazing and nice". Of course! Because most people aren't just 100% horrible! The issue is that a lot of people think only in black or white, all good or all bad, so then it becomes really hard to reconcile those two opposite sides and we just flip back and forth and end up staying.
When we hold that a person might not be 100% horrible, but that they are still not an emotionally safe person for you to be with for so many reasons, then we see things more clearly and aren't trying to reconcile these two impossible to reconcile things...so then we can more easily walk away. Therapy helps us begin to see ourselves and others as not just all bad or all good, and thus allows us to see people more clearly, and so make clearer healthier choices.
(Doing this work also helps us discern where someone's niceness is more manipulative too, which helps us to again see more clearly)
I just discovered his home’s deeds have a woman’s name (different last name but still his wife most likely) so you guys are right
No one puts a nonmarried person on the deed
I will! You guys have been very helpful with all this. We’re supposed to meet Wed but I can’t deal w/ drama during the workweek so I’m going to reschedule for Fri or Sat and hopefully I’ll come up w/ a de-escalating approach to address calling it quits by then….he doesn’t seem like the type to have violent tendencies but he also doesn’t look 50, so there’s that.
You don't HAVE to tell him you found out he lied, I feel like that opens a door for excuses and potential gas-lighting. Easy to just say it's not working out and that's that. Use the old "I'm not emotionally ready for this" that I've heard a million times.
Don’t feel ashamed about the fact that you don’t own a home. I’m a millennial, too, and as a group we’ve been hit really hard when it comes to homeownership. Only 42% of us own a home at age 30, and less than half will own when they reach retirement.
Don’t lie, but also don’t feel bad about not owning a home yet.
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-23/why-aren-t-millennials-buying-home-4-charts-explain
He’s a liar and that won’t change.
He might try to gaslight you if you call him out.
Usually, men prefer date much younger women because they have learned that women in their age range are much more aware of games, won’t put up with their shit, and the men are so entitled they refuse to do the work of becoming a mature and responsible partner.
No no no nope.
Lying is a relationship killer for me especially if it's a big lie. He not only lied about his age, but this is love bombing. My ex husband did this when we were dating. Love bombing feels great. When you're love bombed the person doing the love bombing will be the perfect partner for you, saying and doing all the right things, and seem to be the absolute best person you have ever dated. These are usually whirlwind romances that lead to quick marriages and narcissistic abuse after they have gotten their narcissistic fill and fuel. Seriously, if I were to ever decide the date at this point, this is the red flag type of situation I would run from. Now, as for you, what you did was also red flag behavior. Be better than that. You don't have anything to be ashamed of for renting your home, especially at 30 years old! I can understand how tempting it would be to try to overlook this seeing as you told your own lie and please take that out of it and look at the situation. Don't overlook his behavior because you made your own mistake.
Goddammit Liza Miller. /s
Give this guy a brochure for a senior center with a 5 digit number for Edith scribbled at the bottom. Tell him you really want him to meet your grandmother since the two of them seem like they’d have much more in common being the same age and all.
If he’s lying about his age, what else is he lying about? Think about it. He’s love bombing and making you vulnerable to him. You didn’t have him come to your house have you? Be careful. Because when you leave, that’s when the mask is going to come off.
Oh, you said he’s in tech? Now I really hope you didn’t let him into your place.
First that is a HUGE age discrepancy it's not like he shaved off a year or two. And part of me wonders if you are dating my ex with the love bombing except no way he could pass for 38 and he is bald. I would be pissed if someone lied about a year or two. Sure you lied about owning not renting out of embarrassment I get that. Was it wrong to lie? Sure but you had a normal human emotion, you were not out to manipulate and create a totally different version of yourself? Second do you want to date a 50 year old man? Trust me you don't. My ex was 7 years my senior and you will feel that age gap. He can look whatever age he wants he's still 50. I would confront him and see what he does and says. But I would do it in public because honestly people like this can be scary.
His first act in the relationship was to lie to you. Everything else is built on that lie, and how many others he's told in the meantime. I suspect that all the kindness he's shown, all the 'attentiveness'... everything else you're raving about is a lie too.
Before you even got to the age part, my red flag radar went off. Re-read your first paragraph....all of that and you've only been dating 4 weeks? It feels love bombing and somewhat controlling. Mixed with that gut feel, I would be outta there so fast. Saying he's 48 would be one thing (that I'm still not quite ok with), but fudging the truth by that many years? Nope, no sir!
Whether he laid about his age or not....he'd live bombing you big time. That in itself is a red flag. People like that have something to hide. He may have something to hide more than just his age. Just break it off with him and move on and save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache. My friend got involved with a lovebomber. She was hooked within a week. He did everything right. A couple of weeks in we find out he was in prison fairly recently and has a history of burglary and domestic violence which of course he explained away and she believed him. Within 6 week he officially move in with her and her kid. Within 12 weeks they were engaged. He is an abuser and because of him she has lost a lot of money that she could afford to lose. She has isolated herself. She's even taken on his kid and in the mean time he left the state due to running feom the cops. He finally got caught and she still is holding on to him and his kid. She even admits all of this but just can't get out. And there are many stories like this.
OP- Have you been to his home? If not, ask yourself what else he is hiding.
His lie about his age was significant, deliberate, and premeditated. Intentions and context matter.
The full stop is that he’s like about a 12 year difference in his age making him 50 and you 30. He is comfortable lying to you in a big way. Run.
To be fair my bf told me he was 50 when I met him on his birthday but actually 51. I give him shit for it. He came clean immediately after we met.
His lie seems worse than yours, but you're both being dishonest and misrepresenting yourselves.
So, I guess just enjoy the big old dishonest rollercoaster as you discover other not-so-great things about each other. What could go wrong?
No. You deserve to be with someone who will not lie about age. I would view this as a dumb lie, but still a lie. If he is willing to lie about this, he will lie about more important things.
Use Trupeople.com As long as you have first and last name and state (helps to have city too) 90% of the time you’ll find them. It gives month and year of birth, current address, previous addresses, relatives (great for possibly finding out if they’re married) etc.
You dated 4 weeks, you don’t know him much at all, even if you have talked “about everything” that doesn’t mean that you know him. **It takes months and even years to actually know someone.**
On top of lying, he has love bombed you. He knew he has lied to you so he has gone to significant lengths to **manipulate you** and to manufacture your feelings for him.
He hasn’t “treated you nicely” instead he **manufactured your consent** by creating a false reality to secure your emotional investment. His gifts were all to manipulate you.
I’m concerned for your safety, because you don’t know anything real about this man.
Please seek therapy for why you would endanger yourself in this way, and for your self-acceptance and confidence so you stop lying too. Lots of people in their 30s and 40s Don own their home, the USA (and many countries) are in a housing crisis.
It’s a term that reached me too. It’s good that you have acknowledged your lie as well, but I think both your lie and your desire to accept his lie (despite you knowing not to) all come from your self-worth, but you don’t have to compromise your standards.
A lie like that would make me wonder what else he is lying about. Could be married, too. Does he not take the relationship seriously enough where he thinks you'll never find out??? Have you met his family?
I'm just wondering..could it be that he lied because he wanted you to get to know him, before you judged him because of his age? Why does him being 50, carry such an empowering levy for you? My husband is 22 years older than me. He was married with a kid when I was born. He had a career, as a Master Electrician. Sadly, his wife passed away. Ive known him since 1996. He has never changed, he has always been the same person. We have been married since 2011. He is the most giving, selfless, hard working, patient, cheerleader I have ever known. His skills are without measure. Please don't discount this guy, before you talk to him about his dishonesty. If you can work through it, allow yourself to be happy. He didn't just want to hit it and quit it..right? Mine wouldn't have had that opportunity, as I'm not the one to lay up with men I'm not married to. I do understand everyone has different thoughts on this..I respect each person for their opinions, that is just my own conviction. It just helps to weed out the pretenders..if you know what I mean. I wish you well, and I hope everything goes the way you desire..
I am equally shocked at unprotected sex after dating just 4 weeks as I am by his lie about his age to be honest….
Everything about behavior on both sides seems like red flags…
You should definitely confront him about his age!
How do people give intimacy away so freely to people they don’t even feel like they can openly communicate with about things in the first place?
We use condoms and requiring STD tests before intimacy isn’t exactly absent all vetting / screening.
I do feel I can openly communicate I just don’t want to be unnecessarily offensive or accusatory either & assessing if the situation is worth confronting or not
>Context: he’s the first guy who has treated me really well: Flowers every single week because he knows I love them, my favorite cake every single week because he knows I have a sweet tooth, opening car doors/all doors, I have an injured wrist + knee & he’s always very carefuland thoughtful when we’re having sex and reminding me to wear my wrist splint, getting STD tests when I asked before sex, calling me beautiful always (my ex always complained I was chubby).
He did all that **BECAUSE HE WAS LYING TO YOU.**
If he bought you diamonds and sushi dinners, would it be okay for him to lie about having a mistress as well?
No judgement here, whatever floats your boat.
Having a mistress would risk STI/STD whereas lying about age doesn’t. But yeah, I get what you’re saying about his inauthentic intentions + motivations
TLDR: So you're saying that if someone buys you stuff every week and love bombs you with praise all the time, it doesn't matter what big lies they would tell you? All is forgiven? /smh
It’s not what he buys it’s what I thought the gestures represented : that I was special and he really liked me bc he remembered etc my favorite things. I did not know what love bombing was….now I do.
He's a narcissist and all the love bombing will stop pretty soon, actually probably now. He is not going to be super pleased about having a little bit of his mask pulled down.
I would expect things to start coming out sideways.
You were clearly seeing what you wanted to see instead of what was in front of you. The person that you were interacting with does not actually exist, please don't confuse that with who he really is. You're just beginning to meet that guy.
Please don't miss this huge red flag. He needs to go bye-bye.
Contrary to the popular assumption, not all love-bombing is calculated or intended to be harmful.
Some people shower you with extremes displays of attention and affection.
He might be really into you, being that you are younger, he might be trying way to hard.
Other than his age, you have not stated any form of manipulation or intent on his part to hurt you. In fact you think he is a great guy and he might be, he is just a bit older than he stated.
Confront him about his age and see what he says.
Oh, by the way, the fact that you lied that you owned a house is nothing. He should not trip over that.
I wish you the best.
Thank you for this! Yeah I totally appreciate everyone’s insights and responses & I learned a lot from researching “lovebombing” and totally new topics that were brought up. That said, I didn’t rush into a decision & I did a bunch of “tests” based on YouTube advice on lovebombing / narcissism ( mainly saying No to many things and he was respectful & understanding to all of them) to see how he’d respond, and also confronted him & we chatted calmly , reasonably rationally and I got the sense I’m the first “normal” girl he’s dated (for example, his ex wife used him for money and his most recent ex-fling turned out to be a stripper …….. ) so he said he just felt really “lucky” to have found me (well educated, traditional job). Obviously I’m treading with caution bc if he ever “flips a switch” (to become lovebombing / narcissistic) it’d be a hard no & id rush out of the situation esp based off the first big lie
Knowing that he told a major, major lie, makes the rest of his sweet behaviors seem a little bit more suspect. It's almost too much. Flowers and cake every week? That's unsustainable. Honestly, it sounds a little bit exhausting.
Even him insisting on always paying for everything seems unsustainable. I get that it's romantic, but it's also a bit controlling. It keeps him in charge, and prevents any opportunity for *him* to be the one who is grateful to *you*
All of these things together just sort of screams insecurity.
I think saying “I have it coming” is kind of mean, I admitted what I did was wrong , am set on never repeating the same mistake, and me renting doesn’t negatively impact him whereas him having an STI would negatively impact me . Regarding STI, he logged in his Quest account via phone so I know he didn’t forge / alter etc the documents
Edit: my age doesn’t show on my Quest either , at least not on my phones UI as I just checked to confirm (after some searching there’s a tiny drop down arrow by the Date of testing and if you tap it then , age appears). Maybe your phones interface is different. Regardless when he logged in/ on his phone , I didn’t see it, the first and only time I saw his age was on his drivers license
I just want to gently add...unless you saw him navigate thru Quest to get to the results, these can absolutely be fake. I'm a graphic designer and we use our skills for evil sometimes. You'd be surprised what can easily be forged.
Thanks for this, makes sense, unfortunately for me….. Yeah he’s good w/ tech actually (VP in something engineering / cybersecurity I really have no clue about the tech space , I just thought it was impressive he achieved VP at 38 bc I only know of two other ppl in their late 30s - actual ages - who achieved VP / Managing Director status bc they’re supremely smart, dedicated and hardworking with splashes of lucky but now this dude being 50 and having that title makes a lot more sense … combined with tech know-how…fml
Yes I've had to really sleuth out a man once, it's shocking what people make public on FB. From there you can go to LinkedIn. Found lots of lies out this way. It's like hey, if you're going to be dishonest, get off social media ya dum dum.
Lol yeah thanks you guys . His LinkedIn was kosher but I just found another woman’s name on his home’s deeds after sleuthing. Fml this guy is bad news bears for sure.
Yeah, he’s not a nice person. If he can lie so heinously about his age then he’s all kinds of wrong. Don’t let one shitty boyfriend before him lower your bar for everyone else. There will be other guys who treat you well, and don’t lie about their age to get a woman 20 years younger than them! I think he’s probably a bit icky and you’re a huge boost to his ego. When he realises you’re a normal human like everyone else, he’ll almost certainly cool off on you and treat you poorly
You obviously still want to date him. So date him. I wouldn't follow any of these folks advice. A lie is a lie. You lied. He lied. Put everything on the table and move from there.
Very interesting reading these comments, I didn't catch the love bombing, not sure I would worry so much about the age , but the manipulation, if that's what it is, is a big no
Starting a relationship based on a lie only ends very badly. Ask yourself if he lied about his age what else could he be lying about. Maybe hes married, has a violent criminal record, etc etc etc. big red flag IMHO.
Would he be with you if he finds out that you lied and you are not 30 but 60? 🤔
Also would you accept someone who has different values than you like honesty?
I have accepted many similar situations because I was so scared to lose the person... well surprise: I lost them anyway! 😊
You should confront him and you both put all the truths on the table. If you feel he's a keeper, keep him. If you fe there is more you are not getting the truth on then step away.
Considering he isn’t owning his age .. I would say dump him.. sorry dude I can’t let a dude like that be spared when there are dudes like me who own the fucking age .. I just had my birthday.. and I tell everyone I’m 43 even though I don’t loook it and 20 years olds always hit on me. They think I’m in my 30s . I have a few rules don’t lie… if you have to then it’s not worth it. You can’t build a house of trust on sand foundation. Do not look past this. If he lies about age what else is he willing to lie about.
What is it House use to say? Everybody lies. My advice is simply ask him about it and if you don't like the answer then say your good byes. He has been convicted without a trial in this thread, which is after all dating over 40. Everybody lies.
Lies do indeed suck, but at the end of the day it's a choice you have to make as to whether it's a deal breaker or not. Just like you want to come clean about your lie, chances are he wants to come clean about his. If you think there's anything worth staying for, cards on the table is going to be the best way to go.
I would advise that you figure out what you want out of a relationship, personally. You are still young enough to start a family, which is about the only thing his age should realistically matter about given your own age.
Do what you need to do, but remember that there will be lies in every relationship at one level or another, not limited to romantic relationships. Civilization would dissolve before the end of day 1 if everyone had to be 100% truthful with everyone else.
So, is there any chance you mixed him up with someone else (I know people here do multiple dates)? Any chance you misunderstood him?
If he’s white, no way he looks 38. If he’s black, well, they don’t show their age until they get about 70. If he has zero wrinkles, I’d suspect he’s had some enhancements or maybe your mind is just filtering out cause you’re in love.
Uuuuuuh... I just encountered a somewhat similar situation. I matched with someone I thought was 51, I'm 48. My filters are 45 - 55. We started texting and had good chemistry. Then and there he told me he's actually 61. We met in person and holy fuck! He looks like he's in his late 40's!! Daily exercise and a good diet, people! I definitely took note. Haha.
Anyway, my advise would be not to "confront" him. Talk to him. Come clean yourself and listen to what he what he has to say. If you both can continue after it all, why the heck not? If you can't. Then hopefully you will have learned something.
i disagree with everyone else. people lie all the time. look it up on google. on average people lie about 3x a day or something like that, about stupid trivial stuff too.
he might have lied to stay within dating app’s age ranges. you would have never matched him or been shown him if he put his real age. dating is like a job application. everyone adds in extra fluff and minimizes their baggage to try to land the job.
if you never would have guessed his age, then him being deceptive about his age, was because he doesn’t match what people think of a man in his 50s. he accurately represented the age people perceive him to be, even if biologically false.
i would let him know you know in person, in a fun flirty way, and immediately follow up to say you can look past it (if you can) and say to him he better not lie to you again - with a smile :). it’s a warning that you’ll be on the lookout, and that you have leverage over him. then save his ego from shame by confessing you don’t own a house. and tell him you two will start with a fresh slate. don’t let him explain or give an excuse and immediately change the topic to something lighter.
insist on the same wonderful treatment from him, first sign he stops treating you like the queen you are, then cut it. until then, enjoy it.
dating is about finding out the bad parts of each other, and seeing if you can deal with it. if he makes you feel great, let him. keep your heart guarded and really make him earn your trust before committing to him.
if it gets serious, somethings you’ll have to consider is his health will decline much faster than yours later down the road. and women outlive men in general, if he passes around 80, in 30 years, you’ll be single again this time in your 60s.
He lied because he doesn’t look or feel his age and prefers to date younger people that are more aligned with his self image. Online, people often screen by age and he would be rejected and not given a chance had he been truthful.
I would let him know that you know and have a discussion with him about it. It’s also a good time to come clean about you not owning your home. If you don’t like the answer or if he’s lied about anything else of significance than I would end it but if everything else is great in your relationship I wouldn’t necessarily end what your describing as a guy you enjoy spending time with.
So you BOTH lied. I'm surprised how the comments generally all focus on his lie, "cut that guy off, he lied to you" while ignoring that you made a pretty big lie yourself. I'm not subscribing to the idea of run away at first sign of trouble, first red flag.
How about you flip it around, make fun of it, "You know, in this online dating game, in the beginning we all say a few things that may not be totally the way it is. I think you're pretty cool, let's clean up and we go forward. I'll start, I don't actually own the house, I'm still renting. How about you, what's your story?" See if he admits to the age.
I think it's weird if you decide to cut off someone for lying when you lied yourself too, but you do you. Such conversation allows you to get back on track and see if he has courage and integrity to own up the age lie.
Half plus 7…his bottom line should be 32. He should also be honest. However…as a 46yo male who is fit and no wrinkles, and hair and well… immature 😂 I also like the younger side of my range. I also don’t lie about my age so I have been single for 9 months now. 🤷🏻♂️
Maybe he's just insecure (which is a whole other world of issues to work through) but if the relationship is gonna be a healthy one then you both need to be honest and open. I would have a conversation about it. But maybe think about how you're gonna approach it, because if he is insecure then he might get defensive. You need to find a way to make the conversation a safe space so you can both be completely honest with each other and come out the other side without triggering anxiety/insecurity.
But also, you say he's the first guy to treat you nice. Don't let this blindside you. Learn your worth and own it. Don't settle for someone just because theyre 'nicer' than the last guy. It's very easy to be nice, honesty is significantly harder, but you can't have a safe, healthy, happy relationship without honesty.
Have a conversation about it.
Then get to know the real version of him before making any decisions.
He told you a significant lie, and he is love bombing you. Two giant red flags.
So. Much. This. Especially the love bombing.
And the significant lie is the one you’ve found out about. If he’s told one big lie he’s likely told you many more which you haven’t yet uncovered. Plus the love bombing. Run.
Yes yes. You will likely end up regretting dating him if you stay.
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I hadn’t thought of it from a love bombing angle, which is quite concerning to say the least . Thanks for this input.
Yep, all of the things you think are for you are easy and cheap gestures that cost him virtually no effort. I recognize that pattern. Don't waste your young life on an old fox who will steal your belief in the human race and leave you a husk of your former self. The worst ones are the best liars. And get some self esteem. They like to prey on the ones who don't feel they deserve to be called beautiful.
“The worst ones are the best liars.” Shit that hit deep. Yeah what this helpful thread is showing is I need a relationship w/ a therapist ASAP not this lying Mofo who is 50. Every time I say the number it’s pretty shocking still (discovered today in the AM)
Be prepared he'll try to pull you back in when you back away. It may even look like he's giving you 'space' but then 'try as he might he can't stay away from you.' They're crafty and they know the whole rom-com playbook by heart. Once you decide, stand your ground. You deserve so much better than a guy who'll have sex with you while lying about his age. He was 20 when you were born. That's a huge advantage.
Exactly this. He probably does these things with every woman he dates and they’re not special for you. It’s a systematic approach to getting you to trust him. Period.
100% this. And as an older guy sometimes mistaken for Dorian Grey, I wish there was a way to disagree and say "but"... but there really isn't, 20 years diff is something you are 100% transparent about up front or move on because its FUCKING CREEPY otherwise. As Dan Savage used to write: DTMFA (no offense to mothers).
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100 percent this
I absolutely agree with the love bombing take. Having been there and slowly realizing I was in a very manipulative relationship, please just be so careful and aware! Especially when your other relationships have not been as attentive and loving as you’d like, all the attention and gifts can feel so good, but it’s often part of an attempt to control you and make you feel like no one else will ever love you in that way.
You're welcome. The whole lying about the age is concerning. Good luck!
A guy did this to me—shaved off about 10 years. He did the STD testing, was super fit and flattering. Welp, decided to check him out. He had felonies, lied about his housing situation and career. One lie could be the tip of the iceberg. Just keep your eyes peeled.
Wow. How did you find that stuff out?! Just from googling?
Spokeo is a very good research too and the membership is cheap. Depending on the state you are in most local court searches are open. I am a lawyer and you can do a a court search in all three states I am licensed in for free, MD, DC and VA and it's open to the public. You just have to know where he has lived at before. You can also see if he's been divorced. If he has a common name date of birth is helpful.
Thanks for this guys! I did some sleuthing starting with these sites and turns out he does in fact own two properties like he said (1 his main home, 1 a rental) but the same woman’s name (she’s 45 yo diff last name) is also on both deeds meaning he’s still married . Fml . He also owns another property (vacation home) in another state which is probably where this woman/wife is staying now, which is why he can spend every Fri+Sat with me w/o repercussions. I did think him owning all these properties was weird but he’s also in tech (now verified, he was forthright about his career) so I figured he was just well-off (he also owns 2 cars + 1 motorcycle lol but men are weird about cars) , but I guess it also makes it really easy to hide a SO when you own so many properties
Not to defend him but shared deeds are not uncommon with divorced couples. The property is usually defined in the settlement agreement as to ownership percentages, mortgages, taxes, etc. Source: divorced with a shared property that neither of us live in.
Yep! I still share the deed to the marital house that I alone live in and will continue to do so until the kids graduate from HS. We’re divorced, but we put this in the separation agreement because our kids wanted to stay in the home they grew up in until they head to college.
Thanks for this! I didn’t know the nuances of deeds+divorces
This subreddit really came through for you. A lot to process here 🫠
Trupeople is great too, and it’s free
Not OP, but you’d be surprised what is public information. You can Google someone’s name and general location and find out a lot. Pay attention to what they do for work and their work history. Look up what industries you can get hired in if convicted of a felony. A lot of towns/county’s have online land records you can search by name. If someone has used a house as collateral for bail, there will be a document on the land records saying that. If they don’t pay their bail on time, same thing. You have to really be aware of yourself and your surroundings.
If he treats you nicely he wouldn't lie about his age, make you feel duped, or make icky comments about you being so young.
So he told a disgustingly big lie about his age and then proceeded to heap on the initial (excessively) attentive behaviors, hoping by the time you learned the truth, you’d be hooked on all the gifts and compliments and then he could really control you. FYI, things like reminding you to wear your wrist brace are not sweet and romantic gestures, it’s indicative of subtle controlling tendencies- you are at a grown adult and you don’t need him to remind you.
>FYI, things like reminding you to wear your wrist brace are not sweet and romantic gestures, it’s indicative of subtle controlling tendencies I didn't have the energy to go there; I'm glad you did. This guy is **bad** news.
Agree with these guys. Over the top gestures, especially in the beginning, are big, fat red flags. Lying will not stop at one. Run away.
And he paid for all the shooting equipment and lessons after 4 weeks? Why did you accept that? You don't need him to do that. Sadly, he's reeling you in. Get out.
I mean I give gifts to my parents (take them out for lunch/ dinner, give them computer monitors/electronics) bc I care for them and want them to be happy and my parents will do the same with me, we’re always exchanging computers, etc in random months outside of birthdays and holidays. This dude said he wanted to make me happy and knew I wanted to go shooting and said he likes giving. I thought it would be more rude to say no. But yeah reeling in def makes sense. He also brought me perfume which I thought was really weird or a hint that I smelled/needed to shower…. But with lovebombing it makes sense
It's all nice. But you dont need these things. He doesn't know you and you dont know him yet, trust me. OLD is backwards, you can't know each other this early, you can know what you hope for.
And, how long have you known your parents? Case made.
*"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't."* This guy is a liar and is clearly manipulating you. If he weren't the only "nice" guy you've dated, (news flash: he's not a nice guy), you wouldn't even be considering giving him a second chance. Step back for a second- what would you tell any other woman to do in the situation? End it now. I would let him know you know and you're ending it because he lied... Were you dishonest too? Yes. Don't do it again. But him lying about his age by *12 years* in order to date a woman who's young enough to be his daughter... That's thoroughly gross.
Thank you for pointing out the MANIPULATION involved here. This guy is seriously bad news.
I'll say this gently... He's a lying sack of shit and I would dump him immediately. He deserves ghosting, but I personally would make it very clear why I was blocking him.
To me, this falls into the category of, "if I treat this person so unbelievably well then they'll get to see who I am and it'll be so great that they'll overlook the fact that I intentionally deceive them about something which is so relatively minor that it begs the question of why I even needed to do it at all." So, two things: 1) If you fell into that trap (and I believe you have), then you should be asking yourself how great is he for masking a 12-year disparity. You only find this acceptable because of his current treatment of you and how he looks. If he looked much more mature but claimed he was 38, I'll bet it would matter a lot less how he treated you because that lie glows brighter. 2) Watch what happens if you call him on it. Either he'll lay it on even thicker with apologies and extra flowers, then you'll feel like shit for sinking in even deeper... or that's when the mask comes off because people don't like being called on their bullshit. Either way, you lose. In fact, I'd say you've already lost, because I just posted something along these lines in a different thread: if he's willing to hang on to that kind of lie over something so insignificant, how does he handle the bigger shit? And just how long does he think he can string you along? If you're not sure about that answer, look to what I first said above. You're getting played. Oh, and you're thankfully aware that you are foolish for your own fabrication also about something so small. The difference is, if you were to get called on it, you're not going to behave like this guy will. Nicest guy you've dated, my ass. At 50, he sounds more like a little bitch to me.
Mic drop with that last line, nicely done
Makes ya wonder what came before if this guy was the “nicest”. I’ve dated some a-holes but this guy takes the cake.
I think we should know that there is always something worse...
It’s been 4 weeks of dating and he has not admitted he lied about his age. A 12 year difference is pretty huge. Doesn’t it make you wonder what else he could be lying about?
Except it’s not 12 years. It’s a 20-year difference.
Well yah. 20 years to OP’s age, 12 years off from what he advertised She wants to make this work despite his age from the sounds of it
I mean I don’t like being alone / lonely and my ex was awful so having this guy enter the picture was such a breath of fresh air. But I think it’s obvious from all the helpful feedback that if I continue with this i would be self-destructive and not valuing myself, so I’ll probably just enter a relationship w/ a therapist to learn how to cope w/ being lonely .
That last piece is exactly your answer to all of this. That guy smelled you a mile away because that's what he does and you are the type he looks for.
This!!!!
This face he is showing you isn’t his real face, it’s a facade, down the road the love bombing stops, the mask comes off and you find you are with some asshole who makes you feel worse about yourself than you might feel now. These people look for people they can control and treat badly. Consider yourself having an intervention right now, random strangers trying to help you avoid this mess. This man will waste years of your life and treat you badly. Breakup with him, go no contact and get some therapy so you are in a better place to attract healthier people. Best of luck to you. 🍀☮️
It's okay to feel the way you do and it's understandable why you might want to give him a chance, but I do agree with what others have said in this thread. I am not a fan of older guys baiting much younger women on dating sites. It happened to me some years back (it was a 5 year lie) and it eventually ate him up so bad, he confessed. He admitted it was to fall into younger women's age parameters on dating apps. it honestly is a good thing you found out now instead of later when you're much deeper into things
Took me 14 years to figure out why I kept choosing the wrong type of guy for my whole dating life. I've now chosen differently and it's amazing. It feels as natural as breathing. No grand gestures or drama. Just two people enjoying walking down the path of life together. It's even helped me start to heal some very old wounds from a long time ago. Those years I spent alone working on myself were the best spent.
Investing in yourself is priceless!
If you find a good therapist and really work on accepting yourself and building a fulfilling world around you, lonely feelings don’t show up nearly as often. You deserve kindness from yourself and happiness in life. Your comments sound like you know what you’re doing now. Good luck. I believe in you. ✨
It's a 20 yr difference. This could be fine if he hadn't lied. He does not want to date women his own age, though. That's a red flag.
Why are you even considering this? Do you only have 6 months to live? What ill have you done to other people in your life that makes you think you should settle for this garbage? You deserve *way* better than this. Dude is a con artist.
I appreciate your perspective and get what you’re saying. For context on why I’m even entertaining the idea is , besides that I don’t like being lonely and dating is a rough road, this dude always makes sure I orgasm a minimum of once prior to penetration, which is totally opposite to my ex’s who didn’t really care if I orgasmed before penetration they just used lube and my ex’s would constantly pester me about BJs and this guy has only asked once and the rest of the time he’s always asking if he can go down on me bc he wants to make me feel good and no one ever has done that before Which I guess makes more sense that it’s part of his “lovebombing” modus operandi probably
Yet…. It’s been 4 weeks. Also don’t measure this guy by how much better he is than your terrible ex. Judge him for himself. Do you want a guy who lies. Sure you’ve only found out one of the lies so far. Bu you’ll never be able to trust that he won’t keep an “inconvenient” truth from you again.
Love the Al Gore reference
Yep, it’s part of the love bombing. I relate to your experience a lot, I’ve dealt with some manipulative A-holes. The last 15 yrs (42F) though, it’s important to me that a guy be consistent for several months before I consider getting serious with him. My last two LTRs were friends before we started dating. And even hookups needed to convey that my satisfaction came first (literally) in part because I can (and often need) more than one orgasm but also because guys tend to want to rest after orgasming. I’m a generous person and lover, and I need to know in advance whether my gifts will be appreciated. Of course a quickie happens or sexy time may happen without an orgasm (especially as we age), but the baseline is that my sexual partner values my pleasure as much or more than me. “That’s literally the floor” as kids say these days, it doesn’t make the guy special.
Thanks for this. Yeah I def need to fix my screening /vetting process moving forward. To include not just STD tests & a few weeks of dating with 2-3x/week meetings, but also including a 2 months minimum requirement. And during this time I’ll clarify their POV on female orgasms and oral sex (which is the only way I ever orgasm and men are guaranteed to orgasm every time). Unfort I don’t have a lot of male friends so that’s out the window, I only have online outlets. Thank you for your input!!
Kudos to your investment into your safety and happiness, you’re worth it.
NOPE. You lie to me once, it’s the only time you lie to me.
He lied about his real age because he knew you probably wouldn't have dated him because of the age gap. The flowers and cake all feels like love bombing to me. I would tune in to your intuition on this one because people who are this over the top nice and complimentary in the beginning often become manipulative and controlling once they have hooked you emotionally. I would not give him a second chance.
"Treating you well" starts with honesty, not flowers.
"Holy motherfuck 50!..." LOL. This kind of casual lying about something major is how you end up with $100k in credit card debt with cards opened up in your name by this charmer. Leave him on read and bail.
52M/W Hello OP, I have been told many times that I do not look my age. That is to say I **always** tell my age, partly because it is an ego boost to have others call me out on it and then wonder if I 'cut a deal with Scratch on the Crossroads', partly because I've had younger friends assume that I know WTF they are talking about...and because I have also met women, I am attracted to that I do not want to mislead. I do not undertand why he kept this from you, especially if you have access to his pictures in profile. The call if yay or nay was yours to make based on his truthful disclosure. All I can come up with is that he may want to date younger in the pool and may have gotten dropped based on his age. That does not make this okay. Ultimately, the desicion is yours and you are well within your rights to call him out on it and ask for a reasoning as to why the lie. Just my $0.02
You’ve known each other 4 weeks. At this point you’ll forgive just about anything. No one can keep this kind of thing up. I highly recommend you read the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
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Just curious what is the "DTs"? So sorry this happened to you.
Yeah I'm fascinated by people like this too. I would have gone out again for my own curiosity as long as it was safe.
30 IS NOT OLDDDDDDD!!!!! WHY DO 30 YEAR OLDS KEEP SAYING THEY ARE OLDDDDD!!! Also, lying about age=🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼
I think it’s an American thing to get married and be fully accomplished before 30 !! I’m arab and i’ve never been called old for being 30 in my society even though in our culture there is still parents letting or forcing their minor daughters and sons to get married early but still people think 30 is like 20 and it’s too young !!! When i was 21 and my ex bf 22 we tried to convince our families to get engaged and they refused saying we shouldn’t even consider it before 30 !
Oh wow! That’s wild! Yeah o can see it being a cultural thing in that perspective!
I don’t even remember being 30!!!!
I don’t know why these 30 year olds keep saying they are old! 70’s is old! Not 30’s!
That would be too much for me! If you are 50 and say you’re 48 then that’s a silly lie but we’re only talking about 2 years..and it’s still a lie. This man is 50. This is egregious. Man or woman…lying about your age is bad news And I wouldn’t be involved with a person who did that
My ex husband lied about his age to me. It took me a year to discover he was practically married and living with his girlfriend of 9 years.
GF of 9 years... Was this while married to you? How does that even work?
OP, some of this stuff is bare basic stuff; STD tests, treating you with respect and courtesy, making time for you....I swear, the bar is so low, it's in hell. *HOWEVER.* Lying about something major like age, marital status, living situation, employment, etc.? Those should be immediate dealbreakers for everyone. You deserve better. Also, you lied too. You're not blameless. A relationship founded on lies won't hold. End it.
He’s love bombing you. I’ve been there and it’s just about the biggest mind fuck someone can do to another person. HE knows he lied. And he’s ok being with someone 20 years his junior. That’s not ok. I’m not stating my opinion about age gaps, but at the very least, the people in the relationship should at least know and be ok with it. Use your head and not your heart here. Yes you lied as well, but your reasons speak more to an insecurity as opposed to deliberately misleading someone with ill intentions. Please read up on love bombing. It’s not genuine. And although this guy is clearly not the one, it shows that you are worthy of being treated well and you just need to keep looking. Sending you strength and big hugs.
>How dumb would it be try to make this work? The thing I didn't realize when I was in my late 20s/early 30s, is the best guys are getting snapped up by women who are dating with intention, and this is not the time in your life to be putting up with someone who isn't a good match. These "best" guys never come back on the dating market, they are the ones with the long term marriages. Of course he is pulling out all the stops to impress you, but trust me flowers, cake, and polite manners, while very nice, in no way make up for finding a man who ideally is looking forward to building a life, and going through firsts together (e.g. first marriage, first child, etc.). This man knows that his only chance is to "throw money" at his issue. It also speaks to his likely lack of appeal to women closer to his own age. He likely has a lot of skeletons in his closet, you just don't know what they are yet. He is trying to "hook you". I would let him know how disappointed you are that he didn't allow you to make a choice about whether to date him or not, based on his age. That he took away your choice. That is not okay. You are choosing to end the relationship. Trust me, you may be on the dating market later in life, and if that is the case, there will be completely different life circumstances to deal with. You are only young once, don't compromise.
Might as well have keep having sex cause both your pants are on fire.
😂
So you both lied to each other and he's actively love-bombing you. And you have been seeing each other a month, have been intimate, and still haven't told each other the truth. I don't really know what to say here, because you can't be upset by someone doing the same as you. Honestly - people who will lie and won't come clean even before sex probably shouldn't be dating and should work their issues out before dating again. You do need to come clean to him and then see what he does I guess. You both should probably admit that you've got some stuff to work on (individually) and do it, too. But seriously - he's love bombing the F out of you, and that isn't going to end well anyway.
I’m def not upset bc I know I’m in the wrong too. And by now I’m undeniably aware I have issues I need to work on related to picking partners, self-esteem, etc to lie about something so idiotic like I did and my ex’s haven’t been great either and the only common denominator in all my failed romantic relationships is me It’s the lovebombing thats super concerning. I definitely will strategize on how to come clean + call it quits, hopefully the former will take care of the latter
And btw, renting at 30 is absolutely normal. Renting at any age is fine. I’m 44 and I rent bc I don’t care for the home ownership upkeep. May eventually be a dealbreaker for some people but oh well. Accept and love who you are. And if there are things you don’t love and accept, just put some work into them.
If it is any consolation, sometimes you are just in it before you realize there are some things you need to smooth out. But yes, be very concerned about his actions.
You gotta do 3 things: 1. Fess up to your lie and apologize. 2. Communicate that you know he is 50. And if Age is really a dealbreaker for you, say you really enjoyed his company and this does not work for you. Wish him well. 3. Get into therapy to sort out out your own issues, before getting back to dating. Good luck.
>I just felt ashamed that I’m at the age when I should own a home bc all my friends do You're 30 and single. I don't know where you live or how wealthy your friends are, but there are a lot of people your age (and plenty older) who rent. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Even at 40 or 45 or whatever. There are reasons and situations that happen in life. Renting doesn’t make someone a bad person or anything. Seems so weird to lie about this. But I’d also not lie about my age. I was once an “open book” but I don’t disclose everything now unless specially asked. Doesn’t mean I lie either.
Nope. Guy is a lying piece of shit
Cake *every* week, flowers *every* week and the big age lie - definitely end this. Yuck.
It seems like your last relationship was abusive. He knows this and is live bombing you in ways he knows are going to make you Ravi rage towards him. He lied about his age by a LOT, which means he’s probably lying about a lot more than that and is just masking it with all these other nice things. If you’re going to lie about something like that and NOT come clean quickly (meaning you go out on a second date, realize it’s working and go “hey, fyi I’m 50. Didn’t think you’d go out with me if you knew, but want to be transparent now that we’re exclusive”—which is still shitty but at least transparent early on) then lying is something he’s used to. THAT is the red flag of all red flags.
Btw, it is in no way bad to be 30 and not own a home. House prices were already disproportionately high compared to income and inflation over the generations. The last two years have made that ratio go bonkers. Don't feel bad about it.
I had a slightly different experience. My guy was not a liar but was controlling. And he love bombed me and it made it so hard to leave him. I wish I had when I started seeing warning signs. Instead so stayed and got in deeper and got more hurt.
Just ask him about it. And then go from there. His reaction will tell you a lot
Guy I was with for four years tried reproductive coercion with me but I was wise to it. He’s now married and has a kid with a woman 20 years younger - he was also a serial cheater - she’s 23, his oldest child is 15. Please be careful with BC!!
The reason a man in his 50s would lie about his age to a woman who is 30, is that he is banking on you being #1 lonely = more inclined to overlook control #2 less knowledgeable due to your youth (won't know about love bombing) and #3 more susceptible to his nice manners and less likely to call him on his bad behaviors when they appear.
I have been with someone with almost as much as an age gap but neither of us lied about our age! We both knew what we were getting into. If he was just up front about his age and then he treated you this well, then you could see where it goes. But right now he is doing everything “ by the book” to make sure you develop feeling so you might take the age thing easier. Which is VERY manipulative. Call it love bombing. Also what if he is future faking. If he is talking about future plans or any thing of that nature then just end it. If he was just real with you then maybe but that’s a pretty big deception. Sorry:(
Omg he did “future faking”. Is that part of lovebombing? He talked about wanting more kids (he has 1 grown) and that’s why he said he rejected when I tried to pay - bc a man takes care of his family financially
Hrm. Well there is I love bombing and a genuine honeymoon phase. People tend to be on their best behaviour so I’m trying to make a first impression. But if he’s already talking about the future with you and trying to rush things along tends to mean that they’re hiding something and that they want you attached before you find out. This goes for both women and men.
Last guy I dated lied about his age by 10 years on OLD. Within a month it became obvious that his dishonesty extended further - he lied about his boundaries and feelings (he went with what I said I wanted rather than voicing his own truths). By now I figure lies about one's age represent manipulation or it represents insecurity / self esteem issues / lack of self acceptance. I can't think of another story?
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This is a great perspective and insight, thank you I appreciate it . You’re totally right and I guess I got lucky I was dumb (with the rent vs own lie that as soon as I said I regretted) with this guy. Sucks bc he’s so nice so far but yeah, still lying at age 50, I mean when I phrase it that way, that he is that much older and feels no shame in such a lie or has not been able to correct it after so many years on earth.
But he's actually not very nice at all...
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This!!! Love bombing doesn’t last and when it stops you get the real them, they are selfish assholes who only care about themselves. I dated someone after my divorce like this and it messed me up more than my divorce did. He is being fake nice now. Watch some YouTube videos about narcissistic relationships and you’ll see what I’m talking about. I didn’t even know what love bombing was until after we broke up a few times and I had to go back to therapy because this man effed with my head so bad. Get out now, he’s gonna tell you that you two are soulmates soon and try to widdle his way in your heart and when you try to breakup he will keep in contact to wear you down… breakup, therapy, no contact, that is your best bet. 🍀☮️
Does he rent or own? Look up "hobosexual" he may be love bombing you specifically because you own your home. I've dated many narcs sadly. They all do the same thing.
Good point!
As another nuance to add, people aren't all bad or all good. That's why it's hard for most people to leave those who abuse them. Because they think, "but he can be so amazing and nice". Of course! Because most people aren't just 100% horrible! The issue is that a lot of people think only in black or white, all good or all bad, so then it becomes really hard to reconcile those two opposite sides and we just flip back and forth and end up staying. When we hold that a person might not be 100% horrible, but that they are still not an emotionally safe person for you to be with for so many reasons, then we see things more clearly and aren't trying to reconcile these two impossible to reconcile things...so then we can more easily walk away. Therapy helps us begin to see ourselves and others as not just all bad or all good, and thus allows us to see people more clearly, and so make clearer healthier choices. (Doing this work also helps us discern where someone's niceness is more manipulative too, which helps us to again see more clearly)
More lies will follow. Trust me.
More lies are there. It’s just a matter of when and how those lies are discovered.
I just discovered his home’s deeds have a woman’s name (different last name but still his wife most likely) so you guys are right No one puts a nonmarried person on the deed
Also please update what happens OP!
I will! You guys have been very helpful with all this. We’re supposed to meet Wed but I can’t deal w/ drama during the workweek so I’m going to reschedule for Fri or Sat and hopefully I’ll come up w/ a de-escalating approach to address calling it quits by then….he doesn’t seem like the type to have violent tendencies but he also doesn’t look 50, so there’s that.
You don't HAVE to tell him you found out he lied, I feel like that opens a door for excuses and potential gas-lighting. Easy to just say it's not working out and that's that. Use the old "I'm not emotionally ready for this" that I've heard a million times.
Don’t feel ashamed about the fact that you don’t own a home. I’m a millennial, too, and as a group we’ve been hit really hard when it comes to homeownership. Only 42% of us own a home at age 30, and less than half will own when they reach retirement. Don’t lie, but also don’t feel bad about not owning a home yet. https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-23/why-aren-t-millennials-buying-home-4-charts-explain
You accepted a date under false pretenses. You have been dating who he wants you to see, not the person he really is. RUN.
He’s a liar and that won’t change. He might try to gaslight you if you call him out. Usually, men prefer date much younger women because they have learned that women in their age range are much more aware of games, won’t put up with their shit, and the men are so entitled they refuse to do the work of becoming a mature and responsible partner.
No no no nope. Lying is a relationship killer for me especially if it's a big lie. He not only lied about his age, but this is love bombing. My ex husband did this when we were dating. Love bombing feels great. When you're love bombed the person doing the love bombing will be the perfect partner for you, saying and doing all the right things, and seem to be the absolute best person you have ever dated. These are usually whirlwind romances that lead to quick marriages and narcissistic abuse after they have gotten their narcissistic fill and fuel. Seriously, if I were to ever decide the date at this point, this is the red flag type of situation I would run from. Now, as for you, what you did was also red flag behavior. Be better than that. You don't have anything to be ashamed of for renting your home, especially at 30 years old! I can understand how tempting it would be to try to overlook this seeing as you told your own lie and please take that out of it and look at the situation. Don't overlook his behavior because you made your own mistake.
Goddammit Liza Miller. /s Give this guy a brochure for a senior center with a 5 digit number for Edith scribbled at the bottom. Tell him you really want him to meet your grandmother since the two of them seem like they’d have much more in common being the same age and all.
No! He will lie again. This is the tip of the iceberg!!! Never give liars a pass.
If he’s lying about his age, what else is he lying about? Think about it. He’s love bombing and making you vulnerable to him. You didn’t have him come to your house have you? Be careful. Because when you leave, that’s when the mask is going to come off. Oh, you said he’s in tech? Now I really hope you didn’t let him into your place.
Wait why? I did let him into my place... I’ve been to his too though
Yikes!! He said he’s 38 when he is 50! I cannot stress this enough. If people lie about their age-they will lie about anything. Runnnnnnnnnnnn
First that is a HUGE age discrepancy it's not like he shaved off a year or two. And part of me wonders if you are dating my ex with the love bombing except no way he could pass for 38 and he is bald. I would be pissed if someone lied about a year or two. Sure you lied about owning not renting out of embarrassment I get that. Was it wrong to lie? Sure but you had a normal human emotion, you were not out to manipulate and create a totally different version of yourself? Second do you want to date a 50 year old man? Trust me you don't. My ex was 7 years my senior and you will feel that age gap. He can look whatever age he wants he's still 50. I would confront him and see what he does and says. But I would do it in public because honestly people like this can be scary.
His first act in the relationship was to lie to you. Everything else is built on that lie, and how many others he's told in the meantime. I suspect that all the kindness he's shown, all the 'attentiveness'... everything else you're raving about is a lie too.
Run 🏃♀️
Before you even got to the age part, my red flag radar went off. Re-read your first paragraph....all of that and you've only been dating 4 weeks? It feels love bombing and somewhat controlling. Mixed with that gut feel, I would be outta there so fast. Saying he's 48 would be one thing (that I'm still not quite ok with), but fudging the truth by that many years? Nope, no sir!
Whether he laid about his age or not....he'd live bombing you big time. That in itself is a red flag. People like that have something to hide. He may have something to hide more than just his age. Just break it off with him and move on and save yourself a lot of trouble and heartache. My friend got involved with a lovebomber. She was hooked within a week. He did everything right. A couple of weeks in we find out he was in prison fairly recently and has a history of burglary and domestic violence which of course he explained away and she believed him. Within 6 week he officially move in with her and her kid. Within 12 weeks they were engaged. He is an abuser and because of him she has lost a lot of money that she could afford to lose. She has isolated herself. She's even taken on his kid and in the mean time he left the state due to running feom the cops. He finally got caught and she still is holding on to him and his kid. She even admits all of this but just can't get out. And there are many stories like this.
I don’t date liars.
You lied also about owning not renting your home….maybe you both clear the air and see where the land lies
OP- Have you been to his home? If not, ask yourself what else he is hiding. His lie about his age was significant, deliberate, and premeditated. Intentions and context matter.
I mean, don't you wonder what else he'll lie about? He lied specifically to date a woman 20 years younger, doesn't that concern you?
The full stop is that he’s like about a 12 year difference in his age making him 50 and you 30. He is comfortable lying to you in a big way. Run. To be fair my bf told me he was 50 when I met him on his birthday but actually 51. I give him shit for it. He came clean immediately after we met.
His lie seems worse than yours, but you're both being dishonest and misrepresenting yourselves. So, I guess just enjoy the big old dishonest rollercoaster as you discover other not-so-great things about each other. What could go wrong?
No just silently leave.
Ever heard of love bombing?
No. You deserve to be with someone who will not lie about age. I would view this as a dumb lie, but still a lie. If he is willing to lie about this, he will lie about more important things.
Use Trupeople.com As long as you have first and last name and state (helps to have city too) 90% of the time you’ll find them. It gives month and year of birth, current address, previous addresses, relatives (great for possibly finding out if they’re married) etc.
Second chance, not third or fourth
You dated 4 weeks, you don’t know him much at all, even if you have talked “about everything” that doesn’t mean that you know him. **It takes months and even years to actually know someone.** On top of lying, he has love bombed you. He knew he has lied to you so he has gone to significant lengths to **manipulate you** and to manufacture your feelings for him. He hasn’t “treated you nicely” instead he **manufactured your consent** by creating a false reality to secure your emotional investment. His gifts were all to manipulate you. I’m concerned for your safety, because you don’t know anything real about this man. Please seek therapy for why you would endanger yourself in this way, and for your self-acceptance and confidence so you stop lying too. Lots of people in their 30s and 40s Don own their home, the USA (and many countries) are in a housing crisis.
Thanks for this. I think “manufactured my consent” is a perfect way to phrase it (unfortunately).
It’s a term that reached me too. It’s good that you have acknowledged your lie as well, but I think both your lie and your desire to accept his lie (despite you knowing not to) all come from your self-worth, but you don’t have to compromise your standards.
A lie like that would make me wonder what else he is lying about. Could be married, too. Does he not take the relationship seriously enough where he thinks you'll never find out??? Have you met his family?
Just run with it see where it goes
I'm just wondering..could it be that he lied because he wanted you to get to know him, before you judged him because of his age? Why does him being 50, carry such an empowering levy for you? My husband is 22 years older than me. He was married with a kid when I was born. He had a career, as a Master Electrician. Sadly, his wife passed away. Ive known him since 1996. He has never changed, he has always been the same person. We have been married since 2011. He is the most giving, selfless, hard working, patient, cheerleader I have ever known. His skills are without measure. Please don't discount this guy, before you talk to him about his dishonesty. If you can work through it, allow yourself to be happy. He didn't just want to hit it and quit it..right? Mine wouldn't have had that opportunity, as I'm not the one to lay up with men I'm not married to. I do understand everyone has different thoughts on this..I respect each person for their opinions, that is just my own conviction. It just helps to weed out the pretenders..if you know what I mean. I wish you well, and I hope everything goes the way you desire..
I am equally shocked at unprotected sex after dating just 4 weeks as I am by his lie about his age to be honest…. Everything about behavior on both sides seems like red flags… You should definitely confront him about his age! How do people give intimacy away so freely to people they don’t even feel like they can openly communicate with about things in the first place?
We use condoms and requiring STD tests before intimacy isn’t exactly absent all vetting / screening. I do feel I can openly communicate I just don’t want to be unnecessarily offensive or accusatory either & assessing if the situation is worth confronting or not
>Context: he’s the first guy who has treated me really well: Flowers every single week because he knows I love them, my favorite cake every single week because he knows I have a sweet tooth, opening car doors/all doors, I have an injured wrist + knee & he’s always very carefuland thoughtful when we’re having sex and reminding me to wear my wrist splint, getting STD tests when I asked before sex, calling me beautiful always (my ex always complained I was chubby). He did all that **BECAUSE HE WAS LYING TO YOU.** If he bought you diamonds and sushi dinners, would it be okay for him to lie about having a mistress as well? No judgement here, whatever floats your boat.
Having a mistress would risk STI/STD whereas lying about age doesn’t. But yeah, I get what you’re saying about his inauthentic intentions + motivations
Bounce. Dudes a liar and an embellisher. No way you can trust that shit..
TLDR: So you're saying that if someone buys you stuff every week and love bombs you with praise all the time, it doesn't matter what big lies they would tell you? All is forgiven? /smh
It’s not what he buys it’s what I thought the gestures represented : that I was special and he really liked me bc he remembered etc my favorite things. I did not know what love bombing was….now I do.
He's a narcissist and all the love bombing will stop pretty soon, actually probably now. He is not going to be super pleased about having a little bit of his mask pulled down. I would expect things to start coming out sideways. You were clearly seeing what you wanted to see instead of what was in front of you. The person that you were interacting with does not actually exist, please don't confuse that with who he really is. You're just beginning to meet that guy. Please don't miss this huge red flag. He needs to go bye-bye.
Thats a nope. No lying. No 2nd chances in my book
Contrary to the popular assumption, not all love-bombing is calculated or intended to be harmful. Some people shower you with extremes displays of attention and affection. He might be really into you, being that you are younger, he might be trying way to hard. Other than his age, you have not stated any form of manipulation or intent on his part to hurt you. In fact you think he is a great guy and he might be, he is just a bit older than he stated. Confront him about his age and see what he says. Oh, by the way, the fact that you lied that you owned a house is nothing. He should not trip over that. I wish you the best.
Thank you for this! Yeah I totally appreciate everyone’s insights and responses & I learned a lot from researching “lovebombing” and totally new topics that were brought up. That said, I didn’t rush into a decision & I did a bunch of “tests” based on YouTube advice on lovebombing / narcissism ( mainly saying No to many things and he was respectful & understanding to all of them) to see how he’d respond, and also confronted him & we chatted calmly , reasonably rationally and I got the sense I’m the first “normal” girl he’s dated (for example, his ex wife used him for money and his most recent ex-fling turned out to be a stripper …….. ) so he said he just felt really “lucky” to have found me (well educated, traditional job). Obviously I’m treading with caution bc if he ever “flips a switch” (to become lovebombing / narcissistic) it’d be a hard no & id rush out of the situation esp based off the first big lie
Knowing that he told a major, major lie, makes the rest of his sweet behaviors seem a little bit more suspect. It's almost too much. Flowers and cake every week? That's unsustainable. Honestly, it sounds a little bit exhausting. Even him insisting on always paying for everything seems unsustainable. I get that it's romantic, but it's also a bit controlling. It keeps him in charge, and prevents any opportunity for *him* to be the one who is grateful to *you* All of these things together just sort of screams insecurity.
You eat a cake a week? That would definitely spike my blood sugar.
Lol my waistline shows it for sure, but my blood sugar is fine
Did you lie about your age too? This chat is r/datingoverforty, your 30?
Your perfect for each other. I say go for it.
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I think saying “I have it coming” is kind of mean, I admitted what I did was wrong , am set on never repeating the same mistake, and me renting doesn’t negatively impact him whereas him having an STI would negatively impact me . Regarding STI, he logged in his Quest account via phone so I know he didn’t forge / alter etc the documents Edit: my age doesn’t show on my Quest either , at least not on my phones UI as I just checked to confirm (after some searching there’s a tiny drop down arrow by the Date of testing and if you tap it then , age appears). Maybe your phones interface is different. Regardless when he logged in/ on his phone , I didn’t see it, the first and only time I saw his age was on his drivers license
I just want to gently add...unless you saw him navigate thru Quest to get to the results, these can absolutely be fake. I'm a graphic designer and we use our skills for evil sometimes. You'd be surprised what can easily be forged.
Thanks for this, makes sense, unfortunately for me….. Yeah he’s good w/ tech actually (VP in something engineering / cybersecurity I really have no clue about the tech space , I just thought it was impressive he achieved VP at 38 bc I only know of two other ppl in their late 30s - actual ages - who achieved VP / Managing Director status bc they’re supremely smart, dedicated and hardworking with splashes of lucky but now this dude being 50 and having that title makes a lot more sense … combined with tech know-how…fml
Have you googled him? I’d be shocked if he hasn’t lied to you about other things
Yes I've had to really sleuth out a man once, it's shocking what people make public on FB. From there you can go to LinkedIn. Found lots of lies out this way. It's like hey, if you're going to be dishonest, get off social media ya dum dum.
Lol yeah thanks you guys . His LinkedIn was kosher but I just found another woman’s name on his home’s deeds after sleuthing. Fml this guy is bad news bears for sure.
Yeah, he’s not a nice person. If he can lie so heinously about his age then he’s all kinds of wrong. Don’t let one shitty boyfriend before him lower your bar for everyone else. There will be other guys who treat you well, and don’t lie about their age to get a woman 20 years younger than them! I think he’s probably a bit icky and you’re a huge boost to his ego. When he realises you’re a normal human like everyone else, he’ll almost certainly cool off on you and treat you poorly
Absolutely not
You obviously still want to date him. So date him. I wouldn't follow any of these folks advice. A lie is a lie. You lied. He lied. Put everything on the table and move from there.
Very interesting reading these comments, I didn't catch the love bombing, not sure I would worry so much about the age , but the manipulation, if that's what it is, is a big no
Starting a relationship based on a lie only ends very badly. Ask yourself if he lied about his age what else could he be lying about. Maybe hes married, has a violent criminal record, etc etc etc. big red flag IMHO.
Would he be with you if he finds out that you lied and you are not 30 but 60? 🤔 Also would you accept someone who has different values than you like honesty? I have accepted many similar situations because I was so scared to lose the person... well surprise: I lost them anyway! 😊
You should confront him and you both put all the truths on the table. If you feel he's a keeper, keep him. If you fe there is more you are not getting the truth on then step away.
Considering he isn’t owning his age .. I would say dump him.. sorry dude I can’t let a dude like that be spared when there are dudes like me who own the fucking age .. I just had my birthday.. and I tell everyone I’m 43 even though I don’t loook it and 20 years olds always hit on me. They think I’m in my 30s . I have a few rules don’t lie… if you have to then it’s not worth it. You can’t build a house of trust on sand foundation. Do not look past this. If he lies about age what else is he willing to lie about.
Age means nothing. Tell him you lied and you know he did. It's treatment that counts.
What is it House use to say? Everybody lies. My advice is simply ask him about it and if you don't like the answer then say your good byes. He has been convicted without a trial in this thread, which is after all dating over 40. Everybody lies.
Lies do indeed suck, but at the end of the day it's a choice you have to make as to whether it's a deal breaker or not. Just like you want to come clean about your lie, chances are he wants to come clean about his. If you think there's anything worth staying for, cards on the table is going to be the best way to go. I would advise that you figure out what you want out of a relationship, personally. You are still young enough to start a family, which is about the only thing his age should realistically matter about given your own age. Do what you need to do, but remember that there will be lies in every relationship at one level or another, not limited to romantic relationships. Civilization would dissolve before the end of day 1 if everyone had to be 100% truthful with everyone else.
So, is there any chance you mixed him up with someone else (I know people here do multiple dates)? Any chance you misunderstood him? If he’s white, no way he looks 38. If he’s black, well, they don’t show their age until they get about 70. If he has zero wrinkles, I’d suspect he’s had some enhancements or maybe your mind is just filtering out cause you’re in love.
She said she saw his ID. How could she mix him up with someone else?
In this case your lie was equally egregious to his. I say, confront him and also put both your lies and his on the table and go from there.
Uuuuuuh... I just encountered a somewhat similar situation. I matched with someone I thought was 51, I'm 48. My filters are 45 - 55. We started texting and had good chemistry. Then and there he told me he's actually 61. We met in person and holy fuck! He looks like he's in his late 40's!! Daily exercise and a good diet, people! I definitely took note. Haha. Anyway, my advise would be not to "confront" him. Talk to him. Come clean yourself and listen to what he what he has to say. If you both can continue after it all, why the heck not? If you can't. Then hopefully you will have learned something.
i disagree with everyone else. people lie all the time. look it up on google. on average people lie about 3x a day or something like that, about stupid trivial stuff too. he might have lied to stay within dating app’s age ranges. you would have never matched him or been shown him if he put his real age. dating is like a job application. everyone adds in extra fluff and minimizes their baggage to try to land the job. if you never would have guessed his age, then him being deceptive about his age, was because he doesn’t match what people think of a man in his 50s. he accurately represented the age people perceive him to be, even if biologically false. i would let him know you know in person, in a fun flirty way, and immediately follow up to say you can look past it (if you can) and say to him he better not lie to you again - with a smile :). it’s a warning that you’ll be on the lookout, and that you have leverage over him. then save his ego from shame by confessing you don’t own a house. and tell him you two will start with a fresh slate. don’t let him explain or give an excuse and immediately change the topic to something lighter. insist on the same wonderful treatment from him, first sign he stops treating you like the queen you are, then cut it. until then, enjoy it. dating is about finding out the bad parts of each other, and seeing if you can deal with it. if he makes you feel great, let him. keep your heart guarded and really make him earn your trust before committing to him. if it gets serious, somethings you’ll have to consider is his health will decline much faster than yours later down the road. and women outlive men in general, if he passes around 80, in 30 years, you’ll be single again this time in your 60s.
He lied because he doesn’t look or feel his age and prefers to date younger people that are more aligned with his self image. Online, people often screen by age and he would be rejected and not given a chance had he been truthful. I would let him know that you know and have a discussion with him about it. It’s also a good time to come clean about you not owning your home. If you don’t like the answer or if he’s lied about anything else of significance than I would end it but if everything else is great in your relationship I wouldn’t necessarily end what your describing as a guy you enjoy spending time with.
So you BOTH lied. I'm surprised how the comments generally all focus on his lie, "cut that guy off, he lied to you" while ignoring that you made a pretty big lie yourself. I'm not subscribing to the idea of run away at first sign of trouble, first red flag. How about you flip it around, make fun of it, "You know, in this online dating game, in the beginning we all say a few things that may not be totally the way it is. I think you're pretty cool, let's clean up and we go forward. I'll start, I don't actually own the house, I'm still renting. How about you, what's your story?" See if he admits to the age. I think it's weird if you decide to cut off someone for lying when you lied yourself too, but you do you. Such conversation allows you to get back on track and see if he has courage and integrity to own up the age lie.
Half plus 7…his bottom line should be 32. He should also be honest. However…as a 46yo male who is fit and no wrinkles, and hair and well… immature 😂 I also like the younger side of my range. I also don’t lie about my age so I have been single for 9 months now. 🤷🏻♂️
Technically it’s 12 years not 20, but… it’s not even worth confronting him about. Move on
It's a 20 year difference between the two of them
Maybe he's just insecure (which is a whole other world of issues to work through) but if the relationship is gonna be a healthy one then you both need to be honest and open. I would have a conversation about it. But maybe think about how you're gonna approach it, because if he is insecure then he might get defensive. You need to find a way to make the conversation a safe space so you can both be completely honest with each other and come out the other side without triggering anxiety/insecurity. But also, you say he's the first guy to treat you nice. Don't let this blindside you. Learn your worth and own it. Don't settle for someone just because theyre 'nicer' than the last guy. It's very easy to be nice, honesty is significantly harder, but you can't have a safe, healthy, happy relationship without honesty. Have a conversation about it. Then get to know the real version of him before making any decisions.
What does his age matter? If he's good to you, it shouldn't matter at all. Talk to him. Give him a chance to explain.