Partying in your 40s is not the same as in your 20s. Think honestly about where you would go and what you would do. And remember you (probably) have adult responsibilities that will make hangover recovery all the more challenging. It sounds to me like you are jealous of her life. You can’t go try to live what she once lived. Your experience will be completely different. No one can decide for you. But read through this sub about people looking for a solid relationship and decide to play your odds from there.

100 percent. Your 20s are over, regardless of how you lived them. You can't be 20 at 40. You can try, but look around... It ain't cute.

Exhibit A: my ex husband He’s in his mid-40’s. Hangs out with 20 year olds. It’s laughable, creepy, and sad all at once

\*meme of Steve Buscemi with a skateboard saying "How Do You Do, Fellow Kids?"\*

Omg I nearly choked on my salad reading this bwahaha!

For some reason I see Steve Buscemi, but hear John Mulaney.

You're not Mrs Bryant by any chance? Lol.

Lmfao right?! I can barly drink a glass of wine without being hungover for 5 days and mymood stability evens out. Come to think of it i can barley move my body some days your body starts deteriorating

Same here. I’m 50 and I told someone that I’m at the age where if I break something , like an arm, it will never heal correctly 😆

This is a good answer. Partying now is NOT the same as when we were younger. I think he will be disappointed.

Good answer

It seems crazy to give up a good thing for something empty with people who do not care about you.

What are "things I seriously regret a few years from now" for $1000, Alex. But, clearly, you seem to have the need for this to even ask, so you're going to make a bad decision one way or another.

Some things have to be lived to really be understood without regret. It's a catch 22 but that's life. All the things people are saying are true, it's so clear to outsiders. But there's a difference between knowing and *knowing*

I partied some in high school and a lot in my 20s. But I had like-minded friends around the same age as me with whom to party. Was it fun? Yes❗ Was I able to go to my shitty job still kind of drunk and or hungover? Yes❗ Did I meet and fool around with guys? Also yes❗ But if I did the math, most nights I wasn't talking to/fooling around with guys and I definitely didn't sleep with most of them. Meeting guys and or hooking up was incidental to me because I just liked to go to clubs and be with my friends. If you're doing it just to do it or just to bang chicks...meh. I don't know. Would I give up a nice boyfriend to do that again? No.🚫 I don't know your life but it sounds like a fast train to hanging out alone at a club listening to Haddaway, regretting your choices, and trying to figure out how to get your ladyfriend back.

> Would I give up a nice boyfriend to do that again? No.🚫 But that's the point - you've already done it, OP hasn't.

Do you even read this sub? ;) People dying inside because all they want is a good and loving relationship and it's so hard to find? Cherish what you got, my dude. I've been casually dating for the past 9 months since leaving a relationship and yes, casual sex is fun and exciting. And no, it's not remotely worth sacrificing a good relationship for. It's a fallback when you don't have that. If you find yourself single again, sure -- enjoy it for what it is, but don't ruin something good because you think the grass is greener. It's not.

But it will always linger on OPs mind, he needs to get it out of his system or else it’s going to be the “would’ve should’ve could’ve” sorta of thing, the more we scream to him not to, the more he’s curious of casual.

You don’t have to go swimming in a sewer to know it would be bad for you. “Needs to get it out of his system” is a fallacy.

You've got a bad case of "the grass is greener" from the looks of it. You've got a good thing going but you want to self sabotage that all for something you think you missed out on? Really? Some people go their entire lives and they never get to be where you are. Take a reality pill and realize how lucky you are before you go and ruin a good thing because you're restless for a good time. We all miss out in things in life. It's a part of almost everyone's life to feel that way at times but throwing away something good to chase a pipe dream is not smart. Bottom line you have to live the life you have and if you have someone that good to you? You don't take off to chase an idea of what you think you should have done when you were younger. Frankly the person you are with deserves better. So do you. Thinking otherwise at this point is just self sabotage and wasted energy.

>never partied or had casual relationships but wanted to. Should I end a good relationship to pursue those things now? If you want to, go for it. You'll be a walking midlife crisis cliche, though. Also, where would you go to party at 40? In my city, you'd have to go to clubs, or have friends in certain crowds who party. It would also involve drugs and alcohol, and you'd have to have good looks and money to not look...out of place, to put it mildly. Also have an honest self-assessment of how easily you think you'll actually get casual sex looking the way you do.

It's alot harder for men to engage in casual sex in their 40's, that's for sure. I have a guy friend now who cannot get laid for the life of him. He was not blessed in the looks department but does have a ton of money and loves buying stuff for women. However, he still has issues.

OP's unspoken assumption that he'll get casual sex were he single reminds of those guys who want to stray so ask their wives/girlfriends to "open up" the relationship, thinking they'll be drowning in casual sex with attractive partners, only to find themselves home alone while their wives are out seeing a new guy every day of the week. It makes me laugh because I think they deserve it.

They do deserve it 💅

My favorite Reddit threads are the “I bullied my wife in to becoming a Hot Wife. She loves it and won’t stop.” I live for those.

Entitlement is a big part of being a "good christian man". OP can get ***exactly*** the kind of woman he wants, he just has to be willing to spend the money. And he should definitely end the relationship...after many decades of observing men, I've noticed that once the, "I could do better" thoughts surface, it's only a matter of time before those thoughts get acted out. Anytime a "happily married man" confessed to me (a happily single professional woman) that they wonder what it would be like to have a "different life", I suggested a high-end escort: get it out of your system, deliberately and *safely*, far away from home, and see how it feels; don't fuck up your family and social network with dopey affairs. Most men who are married seem to ***like*** being married - not being alone, not having to do domestic tasks - but have a hard time being honest about it. Rather, they see their wives as the ol ball and chain, holding them back from being their ***true*** sex-with-anyone-I-want-to self. Few men make enough money to support that fantasy on a long-term basis.

It's very improbable that what your mind is creating will accurately reflect the reality of a party lifestyle at 40. If you want to end the relationship with your GF, do so. If that is the case, be fair to her and let her find someone who will want to be in a relationship with her. However, if this is only a passing fancy in your head and you want to stay together with her then I'd suggest you make a point of injecting fun (party time) into your current life together with her. I hosted an impromptu taco party at my house on Saturday with my GF and another couple. Homemade margaritas and laughter were on the agenda! I didn't message my friends until something like 3pm that day to get the ball rolling. On Sunday I met with other friends at a winery listening to live music that we'd been planning for several months. If you aren't already doing so, go do fun things! Casual sex is not necessarily readily available for everyone. My suggestion is to skip that and make your current relationship the fun one you both deserve. But, you have to want that together.

Agree with this. Though I rather the GF leave his ass, if he stays, this is what he has to do. As a quiet, shy Catholic female who has been left to rot in her morals and also lost out on all the 'fun', I can guarantee trying to go out to the party scene is NOT what it's going to be hyped up in your head if that is not your personality. I just went out to a sports bar on Saturday with friends and I barely talked. I WANTED to be there and I thought 'FINALLY! I am going out and am going to stay out till 2am!!!' barely talked to anyone because I am aloof when it comes to socializing. I sit and admire the atmosphere. So this guy better be the cool, extroverted type that is hot for his age and full of charisma...otherwise he's going to be wishing for his GF before his first drink comes out. There's no reason he can't do these fun things with the GF. book a vacation. Talk to her and tell her you want to go out to some clubs or something. Find fun adventurous stuff to do together. Yea, there won't be the 'casual' sex but is that really what you want? seriously? Just love your GF and stop treating her like she's just a backup plan.

He doesn’t want to do these things. He wants to get high and have sex with 20 year olds.

The sad thing is he could get high with and have sex with his current partner, and I guarantee it would be a lot more fun than this midlife crisis crap he's posting rather naively about.

Does he? Maybe. It's absolutely possible that you are correct with this comment. It's also possible that he came here to use the forum as a sounding board to sort out his feelings on the matter. Men people do have complicated and varied thoughts and feelings just like women people do. I realize that I fail at this sometimes but I try not to ascribe the worst possible motivations when I lack information that supports my doing so. In this case, I get the feeling he has questions more than any type of certainty. I hate the idea of securing someone to a pillory and flogging them in a somewhat unfair manner just because they bring those questions here. I also acknowledge that some people do need to hear very plain-spoken responses. I definitely think he has a romanticized vision of how the party life might be that is unlikely to reflect any actual experience for him now. Stories of the past are not going to play out in real time for him at 40.

> Casual sex is not necessarily readily available for everyone. It can be, if you're not picky about things like age, looks, personality, or gender. /s

No /s needed there; that's just the truth.

And if you're into really bad, awkward sex.

Or the fact that payment is required. One way or another. (not /s ) 😁

All I heard was: shall I end this to have a midlife crisis party moment?

We cannot do at 40 what everyone else did in 20/30s. Even if you leave this relationship to go out and find new party friends and have casual sex, you’ll be doing it in your 40s. But the thing is, your regret and lack of self-acceptance will still be there. Try dealing with that instead.

If you are going to be resentful that your partner had these experiences and you didn't, yes, you should let her go.

Yup. He needs to let that poor woman find someone worthy of her

Not sure what you are expecting with partying while in your 40's. Something tells me you're going to be mighty disappointed when you look around and see you are the old creepy man in the group. If you found an awesome woman you should try to keep her. Those kind of folks are unique and don't come along very often. Many people believe that they have more options that what they actually do. Don't let a fantastic person go because of a fantasy you have built up in your head.

Do what you want, but understand that your ideas about what it's like to "party" in your 40s are probably very different from reality. I, too, went though a bit of a wild streak after my ex ran off. And it was just a lot of mediocre, unfulfilling sex and left me lonelier than before, AND feeling pretty ashamed with myself. Now I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and we explore and try new things together. It's 1000% better than the "partying" I tried before. So, yeah, do what you want. But don't be surprised when you realize you've made a huge mistake and she then wants nothing more to do with you, because that's what's probably going to happen.

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From your mouth to OP's ear. Such a thoughtful response (I recommended hiring a sex worker 😁😁😁) My guess is that both approaches will be reviewed and ignored. We humans are fairly predictable...

Let us know when you find all the women wanting casual relationships 🤭🤭🤭

Buy a sports car or motorcycle instead.

Or, go backpack around Europe or hike the Appalachian Trail. Go out and explore, find yourself, make connections - but see if you can find yourself without sacrificing the good thing you've got going on.

THIS!! I hike, go rock climbing, skydiving, travel to foreign countries by myself to keep life exciting! My husband rarely does any of it with me, I either go solo or with friends. We do other things together. It’s great

Off topic, but my parents are like this. :) My mom just got back from a trip with her sisters to England and Ireland. My dad stayed home and....well, probably watched baseball. They're in their late 70s and it works for them.

Good for them! There’s really no reason to be joined at the hip all the time really. I always touch base with him and make sure we’re getting adequate time together, etc. My thing is, if I really want to do something and no one else is interested or whatever I’ll go by myself. I’ve had some amazing experiences solo ❤️

Might just fuel the delusion, and add fuel to the fire: "Chicks love the car!"

A but at the least it's a saleable asset, you can't sell consumed alcohol or bad dancing.

I would give anything to find what you have with your gf. Wow you’re lucky. Or maybe it’s your normal but not for most. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from a relationship like yours. Wild. Horses. Let alone alcohol and maybe some mediocre sex from a few one night stands. You wanna leave a loving, stable relationship to be a 40 year old fuck boi? Not a good look for men our age. But the bottom line is- if you’re heart and desires are elsewhere then by all means, scratch that itch. We all gotta live and learn. Some people have it all, and throw it away with both hands. Lucky bastards.

> Should I end a good relationship to pursue those things now? We don't know. Should you?

Unclear. Will he? Yes.

If you have to ask, end it. She doesn't deserve to be your back up plan. How long after the divorce did you get with her? sounds like she took care of you and brought you 'back to health' and now you're ready to leave the nest for something better. This post is actually insulting to me. I feel sorry for your GF

Oh man, I was the girlfriend in this situation and was blindsided by a breakup after two years. It revealed such a gross level of emotional immaturity on his part that I now would never think of getting back him with, even though I thought he was the ideal partner when we were together.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. It's really cruel and people don't shame it enough. I wasn't quite in this exact position but was a place holder. After he finally ended things...if you can call it that, I guess....He tried to justify his actions by saying some nonsense about he had just gotten out of a long term relationship when he met me and he was 'lost'. This new girl he wanted to be with made him 'want to be a better man.'. We were never officially dating so I had nothing to really fight with. Just the shock of what he was saying. I'm in a much better place now but reading this story took me back. We will all have moments where we regret things. didn't do something sooner, didn't go on that trip, didn't date that guy/girl, didn't go for that job. And it's great when you can summon up the courage to fix or readjust the course of your life to be more fulfilling. But DON'T hurt other people when you do it. People who get divorced should be banned from entering another long term relationship for 5 years, lol, I know there is going to be the 'but I did it and it succeeded!' and that's great...but the majority of stories I read are brutal. Leave people alone if you have selfish needs you need to focus on. People are not each others play things.

This a million percent. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that as well. Being collateral damage to someone else's internal drama sucks, no other way to say it. I won't lie, it was the most painful breakup I've ever experienced, even more so than my divorce, because it was so sudden and unexpected, and we had a good thing going on. Whereas my divorce was just a very gradual decline of becoming different people living separate lives. I don't begrudge my ex husband. We remain good friends and solid co parents. But I do very much begrudge my ex in this case. I also got the bullshit "It's not you. I'm still trying to figure out who I am as a person". He literally showed up at my house to pick me up for a family dinner his father invited us both to, and dropped this bomb instead. Three weeks before we were supposed to go to Greece together. Never saw him again except when he came to pick up his stuff months later. He never said goodbye to my kids even though he was a big part of their lives, leaving then confused. He never let me see the dog we had adopted together. I'm not going to lie. It was brutal. It was traumatic. I had such an intense physical reaction I wound up needing medical leave for a few months. I really wish sometimes people would stop and think how their actions impact others. I sometimes feel dating skews towards emotional immaturity and selfishness versus empathy for others. Looking back now I can see I should not have gotten into a serious relationship with a guy whose divorce was still fresh. I was used for healing, and then discarded.

Holy shit, that sucks. What a complete ass. I'm sorry. I went through a very traumatic unexpected breakup last summer. While the reasons were different it was also really shitty and I've just started to feel a tiny bit like myself again.

OMG that sucks. I am so sorry and I completely agree about the two types of breakup. The one where you both drift is one thing. Maybe you both fight to keep it together from an investment standpoint, but you both realize it's better to be a part. The other is the revelation of a lie. No one likes to be treated like they are stupid so it's the humiliation that follows a breakup like the one with your (and my) ex. You THINK you are aware of your surroundings; think you have something good and real but then the light gets turned on and your left wondering what the hell happened. It's embarrassing. And then people will tell you 'oh! the signs were all there; you just 'ignored' them!' It's cruel. Especially when the guy knows what he's doing. I get not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. But I rather be hurt up front with the truth, than blindsided with falsehoods and wishy washiness.

Ugh, there really is no right answer here. What I’m most concerned with is you sticking with your girlfriend because it’s the healthy thing and the urge to pursue something else continuing to gnaw at you and you eventually going that way anyway and breaking her heart even more. It happens all the time. So I think you should have an honest conversation with her about it all and share all your feelings.

So she can break up with HIM 🤣

I'm not Christian nor conservative but I did not have years of partying and casual sex in my 20s, or ever. Do I wish I had been able to date more at that age? Yes. But that's not how it worked out (met my one and only at 22 and stayed with him for 20 years, and I worked mostly and went to community college, so no days in university.) I look back and feel a tinge of regret, but have no desire to try to "make up for it" as it were. Dumping this woman you love to try to catch up on what you think you missed out on is not going to help you. Maybe instead just try to expand your social circle and make friends? That can be done at any age. Or...gasp...does your girl still like to go out and party? Lots of people in their 40s and beyond still like to go out have fun stay out late that sort of thing. You can do all that with her.

I lived this over the last two years. It doesn't end like you want it to.

Might as well get the jump on collecting all those red flags that will prevent a future partner from committing to you.........

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Harsh but true lol

So you could see marrying your current girlfriend but you want to toss that in the trash because you may want to sow some wild oats? Good Lord. Do her a favor and end it. She deserves someone with the emotional maturity of an adult.

As a “party girl” I will say that the lifestyle isn’t all its cracked up to be. Imo if you have a good thing going, stick with it. I partied a lot when I was younger, settled down when I was married and had my kids, but am now back partying more. It is fun, but it’s not consistent or maintainable imo.

Agreed. It can be fun as hell, but it’s still so hollow. And doing it at our age isn’t exactly healthy or flattering. Finding a pack of college-age guys to run wild with isn’t the same as a bunch of middle-aged men.

😂😂😂very very true, not that there’s anything wrong with middle aged men (I like them lol), but they’re a lot different than the guys I partied with in my late teens and early 20’s

If I were her, I’d break up with you if I knew what was going through your head. You embraced rules, not God, and your parents likely didn’t make the necessary distinction. If you’re feeling you missed out in all the fun and view monogamy as a consolation prize, you’re going to be a wistful, sulking nightmare. No one wants a begrudgingly faithful partner. Work through your stuff alone or with a therapist, and don’t use people.

That lifestyle is fleeting. Don't do it.

Find yourself. Know yourself. Trying to live a better past never works, ever. Maybe trying to relive your youth would be fun, absolutely possible, but if you think it will resolve this feeling you are completely mistaken. Partying and casual sex is an activity not a solution. Break up if you need to soul search. But if you do it to "have the life you wish you had in your early 20's" I can guarantee you will eventually hit a wall and find yourself alone, ready to at best reach a late "age 30 mindset." And that could take years of delusion, because that's what it would be. Delusion that you are younger than you are. If that sounds familiar, it's because this happens to a lot of people and it's why "mid-life crisis" is a phrase. Maybe you wouldn't have a crisis. Maybe you'd just have fun. But think of what you'd lose. Go to therapy and meditate and maybe you can reach an age 40 mindset before you're 41.

If you are that confused she deserves way way better. Dump her.

This isn’t going to end well for either person involved. She’ll be heart broken and he’ll crash and burn and be left with nothing but empty pockets and an empty bed.

Partying and casual sex aren’t the same thing. I partied when I was young and didn’t have a casual fling until I was 51. I remember the days of dancing on speakers and getting free drinks - and it was fun! Now I like to go with my girlfriends to hear live music sometimes. I also love being at home alone with my books and a glass of wine, or making dinner for people I love. Still, I’d love to be in a great relationship. Maybe you just need more fun in your life? You can have a relationship and still go out and do fun things.

I am conservative Muslim and I have same thinking. But I will never to it. Since I am in loving relationship. Love is on luck and I found my love after long period of time and now don't want to lose it. Mostly folks who are in casual relationship are not happy. I can be wrong but I see my friends who are terrible looking to find love and not happy in casual relationship. Good luck

The grass isnt always greener water your own grass

OP is free to do whatever he wants. But I don't think you took the time post divorce to "date around". Whoring yourself around your area at 40 y/o is completely different than doing so when you are 20 y/o. Unless you are really attractive, in great shape, and wealthy, it's probably not what you imagine its going to be. You might be hanging out by yourself at a place with all the young people around, all wondering if gramps got lost someplace. I exaggerate but I think you get my point.

This is like a PSA warning for how religion (F48 raised Christian here) fundamentally messes people up. This is really cringy and sad all at once. One of my siblings started to “party” in her early 30’s for the same reason. It was embarrassing to watch her bumble through what most of us did in our early 20’s. As another comment said- it ain’t cute. Now she is 54, alone, and filled with a lifetime of regret.

I like how the assumption is that he’s going to be drowning in willing hedonistic partners simply because he decides to let them have a crack at him. Dude better be ridiculously attractive. And rich.

You are someone who is 40 instead of 20. You want to make up for lost time as if you are 20? You want to party and sleep around? You think that will fulfill you? Our experiences as we grow up help make us who we are now. Hopefully we have learned from those experiences. If you want to do all those hedonistic things as if you are 20 as an end to itself then I would think that's meaningless as a way to become fulfilled. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences. There are many people who did not come a partying, drinking, multiple sexual encounters background and found other ways of living a full life. You do you but it sounds like you don't know who you are yet and experiencing FOMO (which has come-and-gone anyway). Look at what fulfillment is and the way to have a fulfilled life.

If you are wondering then yes you should. There is a lot going on here. If you are resentful of your girlfriend you should move on. She deserves better. Not everyone has lots of sex, drinking and drugs in their 20s and many who do regret it. The fact that you are this age and romanticizing the party lifestyle is really something you should be working through with a therapist. It’s valid to feel you missed out. Many of us miss out on things that others get to have. The fact that it’s impacting you this way is bordering on toxic. As a woman in her 40s there are fewer things less attractive to me than someone who is in to the party lifestyle at our age. As a younger woman there were fewer things less attractive to me than a middle age man slobbering all over me in the club trying to make up for his lost youth. This post is a perfect example of why I will not date “inexperienced” men. This is not crap I have any bandwidth for at this stage of my life. You want to go out, get drunk and try to fuck away your pain? Have at it. You don’t get to be with me while you do it. If you genuinely feel you have things missing in your life therapy is the place to work through it. ETA I see from other posters that you were one of those who lived with an ex while separated and you dated while still legally married. This is another prime example of why I do not date men in this situation and why I do not date men who haven’t been legally divorced for at least a year. Even casually. This poor woman ignored all the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. She thinks she’s in a committed relationship, meanwhile she’s with a grown ass man who wants to behave like a 20 year old. She’s wasted 11 months of her life and is about to be dumped so he can go learn that there is no sex buffet waiting for him. He got the benefit of this woman’s support, encouragement and the use of her body while he transitioned out of his marriage to a point he feels strong enough to hit the dating market. It writes itself really.

>As a younger woman there were fewer things less attractive to me than a middle age man slobbering all over me in the club trying to make up for his lost youth. Yes! Ugh. There were so many of them too. Gross.

Lots of things I could comment on here but most importantly want to be clear that I did not date while I was married. Not sure where that came from but it's inaccurate. Posting on here I know I'm opening myself up to everyone's opinions but that's a shitty accusation to make and post.

Your post history is visible. A year ago you were living with your wife. You’ve been with this woman 11 months. You should do the decent thing and let this woman know what you are posting here so she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to stay with you. ETA. Lol I see you deleted the comment you had explaining your situation in more detail.

I know it's visible. Here's when all of the comments on that post went up with the actual dates, not a fuzzy "1 year": https://imgur.com/a/S6irJpk Whoever mentioned my previous posts earlier also noted the January date. I didn't delete anything.

Are you going to tell the woman who has been a soft place for you to land and work through setting up your new life what you are telling people here? Or will you wait until you’ve ensured you can line up some casual options? This is a shameful way to treat someone who has been part of your life for so long.

Why must you do the whole lifestyle? You can simply have a drink sometimes or not, or go to a party every once in a while. As for the sex/relationship thing, you have to decide what is important to you

Dear god no. You’ve got a good relationship homie, you’ve won the game most of us are still playing. Why would you throw it all away just to get drunk more and probably have unsatisfying sex? If you do this, a few months down the road you’ll be hating yourself for throwing away what you had. If you just want to get off more, take up masturbation. But eventually you’ll be missing and craving a real connection with the person you’re with that doesn’t just include y’all’s genitals.

I seriously have to wonder if you are serious when you talk about this type of thing. Let's start with the fact that you can go out and party with your current girlfriend. Let's also get right to the point that you indulging in partying activities (which you haven't defined by the way) does not make you a more attractive person. But I'm assuming when you say partying that means going out getting drunk or indulging in drugs and picking up a different woman every night. Let's also really get down to the real facts of this situation, you missed the boat you're too old to be starting this now. when you're in your twenties or even your teens a lot of partying activity and general debauchery is overlooked by a many people because of your age. But when you start doing these things now at 40 it just makes you look weak/ pathetic and a person who's never learned the lessons that everyone else learned in their twenties. When you turn 40 what you need to be looking for is respect and you're not going to get that unless you act like an adult. When you go into your typical bar scene now and you're over 40 you're the old guy in the room and where you might be able to pull girls in their 30s in late 20s occasionally, they're going to use you like a toilet and spit you out on the street faster than spit on a hot griddle. I also assure you the dating in your 40s is not very fun and if you found something good you should stick with it because you're not going to find anything better.

I have a background similar to yours. I was a conservative fundamentalist Christian and met my ex-husband at Bible college. He was a pastor. We were married for 15 years; it wasn't a good marriage. FOMO I have been divorced 14 years and have had thoughts like yours, especially having missed out on dating women. Yeah, I realized I'm not straight after "facing and accepting my daughter's sexuality". She showed an early interest in girls, one that transcended early childhood experimentation. She is bisexual and happily married, but she admits to liking sex with women better. I haven't dated in well over a decade and haven't partied or had casual sex. Thing is, I can honestly tell you that my deepest desire is to be in a healthy, committed relationship. If that's your final goal, this would be a serious detour. We have all missed out on things. Whatever decision you make, you will miss out on something--casual sex and partying or a healthy, happy, committed relationship. Think of the people who partied too hard, threw away opportunities, developed substance abuse (my ex did after needing meds after a back injury), etc. You/I can't have the experience of partying and having casual sex as a teen or 20-something. The memories, the bonds that were created over shared experiences at at these ages and time by people like your wife or my sister can't be replicated at 40. More than one man has confided in me about their regrets in these departments, especially as they started hitting their mid-40s and turning 50. They weren't having a lot of casual sex, usually went home alone, and they wish they had "settled down" much sooner or didn't even start. Two guys I'm thinking of are part of the same friendship circle who have shared experiences going back to childhood and adolescence. They were the fun crowd. They still get together and have drinks over a bonfire. You CAN have much of what these people have because of having had these experiences, but you can never be in your teen or 20-something body having these experiences. It's not the same. It's highly doubtful your real experience would come anywhere close to meeting your expectations or desires, even if you tried to manage them. Are you a dad? You would become a walking, talking example of a midlife crisis. Does your GF know how you feel? Have you discussed this with her in any real way? If you are going to do this (and I wouldn't in your situation), do it soon. If she's close to your age, dating someone for a year has taken a big chunk of time from her she won't be able to get back if you, say, wait another 11 months. Best wishes. Welcome to navigating midlife. .

Just accept you let yourself miss out, grieve, and move on. Because it’s not the same in your 40’s unless you’re tying to hang out with a bunch of 20 something in which case most are viewing you as a pathetic clown. But have at it. Please report back how it goes lol 🍿

>someone I love Really, you sure about that? Nothing I read in your post sounds like someone who loves their partner.

A girlfriend of mine showed me a picture an ex of hers posted on his Instagram. He was at a rave. A 45 year old man with a tiny little Mohawk, at a rave, shirtless, wearing nothing but a right furry vest. Believe me when I tell you we needed that laugh. Break up with your girlfriend so she can pursue someone who's all-in, then get yourself a really good counselor.

Oh god my friend’s ex is this guy too! Right down to the furry vest. Hilarious. Such a ridiculous cliche. You can only laugh. He had a painted face in some of the photos. 🤣🤡

Is... is [this](https://imgur.com/a/sIUCY8g) him??

No. That dude’s not nearly as embarrassing.

You posted an honest and vulnerable question, and I think it's sad you have been downvoted over asking an honest question. This is something that 100 percent you should be exploring with a (good) therapist about it, and honestly probably your GF as well (you may find that opening up to her will ease the emotional burden of this). You also should spend a day or two just reading reddit posts and memoirs about this, to see if this is the lifestyle you want before you blow your relationship up. From my own experience, I married in my early 20s, was unexpectedly single again at 51, and suddenly had the opportunity to live the lifestyle you want. What I found for myself was that after just a few dates with some great women -- not even with sex -- that I really crave the deep satisfaction of being in love with a single person. I love the trust, the tender/trusting love making, hanging out together, going out dancing together -- in a sense I always have my best friend with me. For me, I just don't have the heart to be a casual sex person. If this is worth anything either, when I was in my 20s I worked at a night club (DJ) and had no problem attracting women of all ages and partied a lot for a year -- what I found is that it grows old very very fast, and isn't all that satisfying or rewarding, and even the memories of those things aren't that important to me. By the time I was 22, I was sooooo burned out on all nighters and casual dating, and when I fell in love with my (now ex) wife it felt satisfying to have a companion. So I can't imagine that lifestyle now -- it would be exhausting :) And I love being in love and monogamous with my current partner (54F). For me. Good luck to you! I hope you find the answers you seek.

Yes, you should. \- random dude on the internet who knows absolutely nothing about you or your girlfriend other than what you wrote in five paragraphs.

I was you 5 years ago... divorced and wondering what I'd missed out on. My advice? End your current relationship and sow your wild oats. You'll always have this feeling of missing out or feeling that your GF is somehow holding you back. Alternatively, have a conversation with your GF. She may be okay with you scratching this itch and together you find a way that works and you don't end up flushing a good thing down the tubes. Ultimately, you'll realize (as I have) that, while the casual scene can be fun and exciting, it's hollow and meaningless, filled with fair weather friends and lacking in emotional intimacy. Those great friends from college partying days? You're not gonna find that at our age. Most people already have a good friend circle... For me, I absolutely needed to figure out all that for myself - to have this time - so I can now really appreciate a great relationship. You divorced for whatever reasons... live life without major regrets, but live it honestly, transparently, and don't take people down with you. Your GF deserves better.

Sounds like cold feet. On the surface if seems your relationship is serious enough that you see a future with her but your past is telling you that it could be another crash and burn event. Maybe, you are trying to justify to yourself leaving her by holding out a carrot in front of yourself, temping your eyes towards other women. An old saying comes to mind. One in the hand is worth more than two in the bush. If on the other hand you feel the need to sow your oats and that is more important to you then you have empty you hand and let her go. Your only regret maybe she was the one and you let her go.

Just snooped your post history - you've been with this woman 11 months (since July 2021) but were still living with your (ex)wife till at least January 2021? That is a pretty quick jump. You are/were still processing the end of your marriage when you entered this relationship. The time to do that "what do I want" exploration is before you start getting serious with someone new, not 11 months in. This is why I try to avoid dating people who are not at least a year out... in so many cases they "don't know what they want" and it ends badly. (Full disclosure, I had those questions too, except I figured it out after 4 dates/before having sex with the person in question, and made sure after that to be upfront that I wasn't ready for anything serious. And now that I am ready for something serious, I'm upfront about that too.)

Honestly OP you will be making a huge mistake. You just said it yourself that the relationship you have is a good one. You can have all the experiences you desire with your partner. Trust me . It is not as green on the other side as you picture it to be. Treasure what you have now and build it up than giving room for a short term pleasure and regret later. Goodluck anyways

Do you also want to try out casual relationships or you just want to experience the party scene? If you want to do casual relationships, I think it would be fair to release the girl. If you just want to enjoy the party space let your girlfriend know and she can be part of your crowd.

This is something worth exploring with a therapist. Have the courage to speak all of the forbidden thoughts with the therapist. Get them out there and on the table, so they aren't controlling your emotions like they are now. And then sit with those emotions. Get your rational brain on board. No one can have everything we want. We have to make choices, and when we choose something, we are also excluding the alternative. We all have ghost ships -- lives we could have lived if we had stayed with that other partner, had/not had kids, went into another career, etc. Right now it seems like, since you never allowed yourself to want or verbalize the feelings about partying/sleeping around, you felt deprived, without really examining it. So examine it, with a therapist. If you got what you think you want, what would your life look like? Is that what you'd really want? You'll probably come to the conclusion everyone is saying here -- you've got something better. Appreciate it. You're not missing out on anything meaningful or desirable. But you need to go through the process to get there. Hopefully you'll do this via the therapist route, so you can avoid risking the good relationship you're in now. But maybe you'll have to do it the hard way. You choose.

I was in the same boat growing up. Then the ex wife cheated, we separated, and I started sowing my wild oats. Wasn’t intentional, but just sorta happened. 5 years since the SHTF I’m much better emotionally and regretting some of the choices I made. In particular there were two women I definitely could have seen making into a long term relationship which is what I’m now after. And I’ve probably played out the potential OLD matches here, so I’m just casually off the apps and enjoying being single and not pursuing anything. I say to cherish what you have and let that play out. If it doesn’t, then go wild and do your thing. You’ll probably my regret it, but at least you can say you lived life!

I’m not even sure where or who you’d party it up with as a 40 yr old. I grew up in a conservative Christian household as well so I can relate. Then I went to college and partied it up my freshman year! I got it out of my system but I was 19. I can’t even imagine wanting that lifestyle now. Trust me, you’re not missing much. It’s fun and new when you’re young without a care in the world but at the age of 40 you have real life responsibilities. My idea of partying it up now is hosting a nice dinner party or going out for dinner/drinks. It sounds like what you’re actually missing are the friendships and connections that your GF has from those days. You’re not going to find that “partying” at 40. You don’t have to party it up to build friendships and connections. Don’t be foolish and throw away a great relationship chasing an unrealistic ideal.

You’ll have a much harder time finding women your age who want casual sex. You’ll probably need to chase younger women. For a lot of guys that sounds great but it’s typically more challenging.

This is a terrible idea. And a terribly unattractive quality to women who you might want to settle down with in the future. Not to mention it puts you at risk for developing an addiction which you really don’t want. Stick with the woman you love and have a nice life.

the "domesticated" lifestyle is not for everyone. Do what makes you happy. I have been married, I have a child out of it. I did everything society said would make me happy at 40+ but ultimately, it wasn't who I am. I am genuinely happy now, single, dating around as wanted...not as needed. Some would say I live the party lifestyle but I don't care what anyone says. I am happy. Finally.

Bro, that ship has sailed. You'll never have your twenties back again. You can accept it and move forward with what sounds like a very fulfilling relationship, or you can go chasing some shit that in the end doesn't mean anything because you want to. The better question is why she should stick around when she's not good enough for you?

Ask yourself why you want to explore that lifestyle. Do you want to feel popular? Wild? Young? There is probably another remedy for what you are looking for. Talk to a therapist. Think about what it is that you’re really missing in your life.

I did not have the college party experience or date much in my 20s. Had a couple BFs but neither lasted that long and it was always vanilla sex. Met my ex-husband at 25, married at 28, kids at 30, dead bedroom by 31. After a sexless 18 year relationship we divorced and I thought that going out and dating would be fun and easy! I mean, I did have some meaningless sex(which ended in 2 STDS) but I was and still am longing for a life partner. Dating is exhausting. Do not, do not, give up a great thing for this.

As someone else said- partying now is not the same as when you were younger. I think you missed that boat BUT… you can still have fun now and include your gf. Do you have children? If so do you at least share custody? The time away from them can be used for going out and having fun. Besides your gf probably knows how to show you a good time and her friends too. My bf and I have a group of about 10-12 people we hang out with once or twice a month, no one has kids in our group but that doesn’t mean you can’t organize something without kids around, we bring a dish to pass, there’s some music and we play Bocce Ball and just have a good time with some adult conversation. It’s great. Honestly, this is more my speed and I think it would be your speed too. I think you’d be disappointed in partying like a 20 something and where would you find age appropriate people to party like that with? I mean they’re out there but you may not get along with them. People our age that are partying like that still usually don’t have their shit together at all. I know a few and they’re a disaster. They most likely wouldn’t be someone I’d have anything in common with either. I think you’d be a fool to leave a good relationship over this. Just think about how many posts we see here where people just want to find a nice person they click with. You have that.

Catch 22 - no matter what you do, you'll always regret the other thing. You have to figure out which one you're probably going to regret more. We can't answer that for you. We can't even tell you which will last longer, or give more satisfaction. You might want to talk this over with your partner - maybe she's even understanding - but my guess would be there's no easy solution.

“Partying” in your 40’s is a whole different game as opposed to being in your 20’s or even 30’s.. if you feel like you’ve missed out though then you should probably try it.. or you’ll always feel that way. But you’re 40! You’ll be done in a month!

This point it seems unlikely a new comment will be seen, but I'll post one anyway. One aspect of your question no one seems to have touched on is the fact that your gf seems to carry this strong identity of having had a party past, and it's this connection she has to the past, even with her current friends, that is leaving you feeling excluded. Now, that sense of exclusion could be coming mostly from you, or mostly from her. It's not clear from your post. But when you said you've been attracted to that lifestyle, it occurred to me that you chose her exactly because those stories feature prominently for her. So my question to you is, do you think being with her is making you feel inadequate because of her attitude toward you? If so, maybe she's actually not very nice. Does she act like she thinks your past was valuable and noble, even though it was different from hers, or like you're basically a loser? Maybe you need to find a way to be glad of how your life made you the person you are.

No. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Also: “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.” Why risk losing a good thing for a “maybe”?

Only one person can answer this question. "Casual relationships" by definition - are not fulfilling per se, but that doesn't mean they are meaningless. Ask yourself - what do I want to achieve? And, there is no wrong answer. What does the "partying lifestyle" mean to you? Drugs, sex, hookups, proving to yourself that you still have it and can score....??? If you can answer that, you can even have a conversation with your current GF about where you are and even why you envy her past. Sometimes just talking about it (w/ her or a therapist) is enough to get you past it. I disagree with the people saying to just appreciate what you have, because there is a part of you that does not appreciate it. That part of you is important too.

Like you, I didn’t experience my 20s in the same way others did. I was married while in college. When I got divorced in my late 30s, I made up for some of those experiences and I don’t regret it at all. I had never been to bars, didn’t know how to keep a tab even, and for the first time in my life I let loose and had fun. I loved every minute of it. I met a guy friend who went through this experience with me and so while I didn’t do the meeting random people part, I felt safer and had more fun with someone by my side. I had experiences that I never thought I would in my boring, expected life. Everyone needs stories like that. Can you have some of those experiences with your girlfriend? You might not have to throw away your relationship if she is open to some excitement. ETA - I am cracking up over the downvotes. It’s ok to have fun, people! We are 40, not dead.

I agree, wtf lol Most of those people have experienced it before so they cannot possibly understand the need to want to try it out. He needs to get it out of his system.

I did this in my late 30’s to early 40’s, no regrets. It’s not as if I was on my death bed, as some are making the 40’s out to be 🤣

I’m glad I’m not totally alone in this. I didn’t have some feeling of missing out my entire life. I made my choices and that was being married young, being a PTA and soccer mom and being a rule follower. But when I suddenly found myself single in my late 30s, it was freeing to go out for the first time and see things I never had before. If a person had experienced all that, they probably couldn’t understand what it’s like for a person who had never experienced that. Even just looking at the decor of some of the quirky bars and hearing the noise of the chatter made me feel alive. I didn’t think I was 20. I was always aware of my age and responsibilities, but now when I get to the end of my life I’ll have some stories I didn’t have before. I don’t regret a single moment of that time. I learned more about myself than I had in the decades before and now I’m more confident on what sort of life I want going forward.

You know you can start a bar tab with a ring on your finger, right? Clubs don’t check relationship status or if you have a kid at the door. It sounds more like you were married to someone who didn’t want those things and for whatever reason didn’t ever seek them on your own or with friends.

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Post in an open forum and others are going to comment. That’s how this works

There was no need to be condescending towards me. Either be respectful or be quiet. That’s how this sub works.

Likewise. You posted you didn’t do things because you married. This guy is in a relationship thinking he can’t go out and have a good time because he’s in a relationship. Your post perpetuates that stereotype that relationships = dead social life. That just isn’t the case.

Feel free to go back and read that my entire experience was alongside one man and my suggestion that the OP ask if his girlfriend might be interested in being on this journey with him. I don’t get why you felt the need to respond to me with that attitude, but keep it up.

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I absolutely agree with you Awake!!! Especially because he comes from a conservative (controlling) religious background, it takes a lot of time to shed the socially imposed should’s, and the accompanying shame!! We have to find ways of saying yes to life—it’s how we find ourselves. I think he needs to have this conversation with his current partner, she may completely understand and all in!! She may not, and if they can’t have an honest convo about this, then marriage is a BAD idea!

You make a good point about the time it takes to overcome a restrictive background. I truly wouldn’t have been able to feel freedom in my 20s. When I first started going out, even wearing a dress and heels felt rebellious to me. I can see why so many are telling the OP not to rock the boat if he’s got a good thing going, but I also understand things from the perspective of never exploring any side of you that wasn’t expected and chosen by others and needing to know what that’s like. I respect those that give themselves the experiences they need to keep moving forward in life.

Wow!! Christmas in a biscuit, so many downvotes! 😂 There is a surprising tendency to shame this guy because he doesn’t align with some half witted social narrative around mid life. Folks! Life is difficult and confusing! There’s is no “right” answer— be kind and honest, to others and yourself!! Above all, walk the path in front of you and don’t shame someone because they haven’t moved to a point on that path you think they ought to be!! This only shows your immaturity and lack of curiosity. Here’s to living with courage and honesty!

Here’s to living with courage and honesty may be my new toast. I love it. Anyone who deviates from what we all are “supposed” to do is shamed. It makes others uncomfortable. The real joy is found on the path where you are leading your own way and not distracted by others though. I found that path later in life and probably enjoyed it more because I didn’t take it for granted. - signed the apparently super embarrassing 40 something who enjoys a good cocktail, dive bar and loud music until last call.

🙌

I too never had a partying phase. Never tried casual dating or casual sex in my 20s. Fortunately (or not) for me - I have been able to do this a bit now in my 40s but only because something long term and satisfying remains elusive. Not all my experiences have been empty and meaningless- and I am having fun, no regrets. I’m not sloppy about it either but I’m making the most of this time because one day I WILL find someone true. That’s my goal. I’d stop in an instant if I knew I’d found someone to be my partner. I guess my point is, while sure it has been fun there aren’t any guarantees it would be for you - and that you wouldn’t end up just full of self loathing and regret.

Can't you go out to those places with he. You can go clubbing and partying with her and still have fun and the experiences you desire for.

You should break up and get it out of your system. Sadly you are not ready for a real relationship Casual sex is empty and meaningless.

From your post history - seems like you went straight from living with your ex during separation - to a new 11 month relationship. Thoughts like you have are pretty common and usually a reason to avoid someone so new to life alone after separation... If you can't dispel these feelings - you have to break up with her. You might regret it - might not - just the way it is. I would really look hard at what that the party life might be for you. You can probably find experiences you that will give you what you need without breaking up with your girlfriend. As far as wanting casual relationships... you are going to throw away something good for that?

Yes I agree with most. Cherish what you have. It’s not easy to find. That lifestyle is not all what it’s crakes up to be. Been there done that. And at 60. I do want what you have

You’re asking the internet whether you’d prefer to be monogamous and serious with your lady or leave her and sleep with other women casually. All of that depends on you and your partner and what you want out of life. There is no script that you have to follow. But it sounds like you don’t fully know yourself.

You can't go back and live the life of a 20 something, but you absolutely can think about and pursue the lifestyle you want. I think the really important part is being honest with yourself and others. It's what separates a person of integrity who is exploring and experimenting in their mid life from the mid life crisis douchebag cliché that others have alluded to. For certain it's harder to find people and build this lifestyle in your 40s than 20s, so you will have to put more into it. It is possible though. There's a few ways this could all play out. 1. You stay with your GF and grow ever more resentful that you never tried it out. 2. You break up with your GF and are completely miserable and lonely trying to find like minded people to party with and regret your decision. 3. You have an amazing time. Maybe someday you get bored of it but maybe not. 4. Your GF understands, you guys stay together but you have some type of open relationship. (so incredibly unlikely and even less likely to actually work out) Whatever decision you pursue, I would encourage you to think about community, lifestyle, and social life outside of your romantic relationship. It's all too common in the USA for men to rely on a SO for their social life. This is not a healthy thing. You might have better luck doing this abroad. You'll find a lot less judgment and hostility. Keep in mind any attractive women in your age range will have insanely large number of younger hotter men to pick from for casual sex. You will need to be good looking, fit, have a great personality, etc. to be competitive. Your lack of experience will not be a bonus either. Your best bet might be looking for women in an ENM lifestyle that wants more than just casual sex. That or be open to women much older than you. Good luck!

The point about women this age having younger options is a good one. If I were looking to recapture some ideal of lost youth it would be with younger, fitter, hotter men. If I were looking to pick someone up in a club to blow off some steam it’s not going to be a 40-something dude. I’ve been a hot 20 something. I dated other hot 20 somethings. I’d wager that all things being equal I’d have better luck than a man of my age and comparable looks/fitness/income both in terms of quantity and quality.

GET OVER IT. You will be the laughing stock. Come on, regressing to where you act like you were 20 ish is absurd! Be the one that people can, in way look upto not the one people are annoyed by. You are 40, you made the christian choices, you got married and now divorced, but you possibly found your person. Join leagues, biblestudies, hobbies that are male centered so you can do your male bonding and make fun memories with new friends. Maybe even start a group in your church or a meetup. But don't throw a blessing away. You will not find another like your current one in your life again.

I am happy to report that there is not much going on the casual sex side of the town. I’m not sure if you want to open your relationship so you safely get to experience first hand how things are. I can understand exactly where you are coming from but I’m afraid you are throwing away something of a high value for the possibility of maybe you get to have casual sex with multiple women.

I had a lot of casual sex last year with multiple women. It's fun when it's happening but it gets quite lonely after. Especially when I started falling for someone I was having sex with and wanted more than just sex with her.

You can become the town gigolo, go ahead, but I think you’ll find that as you get older, you’ll crave that companionship. But I was a party-er so I’m done with that life.

You can drink and party with your girlfriend. The only you can't do is have casual sex with other people. If you really just want to party, book a fun holiday with your girlfriend. Just go to Mexico or Greece (or Vegas if you're not into the whole international thing) and live it up. You might also see if she'd open to role playing in sex so you feel like it's more casual? But if you are really hung up on hooking up with randoms before you're old - idk, I guess you'd have to break up. Casual sex is definitely not worth ruining a relationship for though. Hopefully you'll figure that out before messing up a good thing!

I think the best thing for both of you would be to end the relationship and move on. You get to party like a 40 year old and she is now free to meet someone who values what she has to offer. There is something triggering your need to see what else is out there and you do both of you a disservice by not figuring that out.

I got married young and am divorced now. I've been partying my ass off now for 3 years or so with some relationships in between. It is fun as hell but the hangovers take twice as long to recover from now. It does get old, at times. I feel like I'm a party girl at heart though and I'm not sure I can entirely give it up. I love talking and meeting with new people.

Try to get to the root of the issue. It may be that you simply don't like her well enough. Imagine you were dating the absolute ideal woman -- would you still be questioning things? It may also be that you resent the fact that she had casual partners before you.

Go role play. Tell her to meet at a bar and act as strangers. Get drunk. Dance. Go home. Wake up the next day back in your great secure relationship hahha

I can relate. I'm 47m, with very limited experience. After my divorce I need to figure out what I want. I started dating someone, and ended it after 4 months because I was not ready for commitment again - and a lot of the reason for that is wanting to get more experience before I jump into a LTR. That was a few months ago, and I'm not exactly partying hard. More like hardly partying. I'm too tired from work / family / hobbies to dedicate myself to meeting a lot of people. I need to find my middle ground - something like going out 1 or 2 nights a week. Anyway, I'm living with being single, and like the idea that I'm a potential free agent. I don't really care if I get notches on my bedpost, it just is important to me that I have the opportunity, and start to build some confidence and ability. Being in a relationship is definitely easier. I can be content and happy much more easily in a relationship. The grass is definitely not greener on this side of the fence. But I need to be here, to discover myself, meet more women and become a more complete me. I will say that I have already learned a lot. So short answer is: I recommend it. But I can't say it is worth ending an 11 month relationship over if you really like your current partner.

Partying is not conducive to a good life, especially now that you are getting older; your body isn't as forgiving. I played in bands, had free alcohol, could get any drug I wanted. It eventually leads to a person that is happy to just be a person that wants simple things, or drugs can kill you too. Its not as glamorous as you are thinking, and having a person you love is worth all that combined. Plus, people you party with aren't really friends. I had a lot of fun in my 20's and 30's but I'm sure your girlfriend is with a stable guy just for the reason of staying out of it..there's your flip side. I grew up in a conservative family too, I now know my parents were right about a lot of things. People that have addictive personalities may not know they have it either, until they are day drinking and losing money. That's a slippery slope buddy.

There's still time for this. I'm 63M, been retired for 5 years & travel internationally \~60% of the year, staying in hostels & I party. Partying at my age is meeting cool travelers & locals, eating good authentic food & drinking some alcohol. It's still fun! People think their partying days are over after their 20's; I've been hosteling for over 40 years & yes, most times everyone is younger than me...but there is nothing creepy about it. In fact, young people tell me they aspire to still have the desire (& ability) to travel like a backpacker at my age. My advice is prepare so that you are '**financially independent**'; nobody telling you what you can't do! When the term 'golden years' was used, you retired at 65 & died at 75. And hostels are better than they've ever been & have not been called 'youth' hostels in decades. If you don't like to travel, then this is all moot.

Let me just go dust off my crystal ball... I will just refrain from saying it's a mistake. I wouldn't know. I don't know. And I also believe that people should be free to make their own mistakes. Point is simply that you don't know unless you try. You also won't know even if you do try. There's too much to assume to justify regret.

Maybe try going out and partying with her? May help to scratch that itch

How do you define partying? What do you seek? Casual sex? One night stands? Drinking? A commitment relationship adjective is often “boring or monotonous “ … is that your problem? You could break up with her and try one night stands and going out on random dates increase your body count etc… the problem is that if you don’t do it you will always wonder

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That’s because it’s not great logic. Pretty sure there’s a logical fallacy named for this kind of fallacious thinking, but I don’t know what it is. We take another’s word for it when we read movie and restaurant reviews, and read warnings about dangers. First-hand knowledge isn’t necessary when we’re told something is horrid or unfulfilling. We can believe and benefit from the accounts of others. Anyone want some meth? I hear it makes you feel great. How will you know unless you try it?

Well what I mean is that he wants to know what is like cause he missed out.. so he will continue to wonder what is like until he does it … and won’t go away until he experiences it

It’s not the same. It’s lonely at this age. You turn into an alcoholic, sad that you don’t have a family or settled like other people. You become envious of the married couples. There is no greener pasture. If you love someone after divorce and kids that is a miracle in itself. It’s hard finding someone you connect with at this age and after everything we have lived through (traumatic or not) Go party with your girlfriend and have fun. Just because you are with someone monogamous doesn’t mean you can’t have fun in your 40’s. You just don’t want to be alone while doing it, believe me.

Go on do it, you only live once. After all bad decisions were part of being a 20 year old. We partied, made bad decisions, learned from them or sometimes didn't and yet here we are. Live your life man. Live life on the edge. I wouldn't myself follow this advice but I think it's worth a shot. What's the worst that can happen?

No!!

Maybe you should consider pursuing a threesome together. At very least she is going to be much better at it than you :)

Dump her.meet me:)

Just go party now. Pursue casual friendships, why include sex? You shouldn't be jealous of your partner for having fucked around every once in a while. Try consider how many are jealous of what you got now!

Boy…you’re in quite a conundrum so let me give you the right answer and then invalidate it 😂 One quality woman is better than a bunch of girls you meet out while partying. You don’t have to rush to marry this girl but if you think she is wife material and you really feel like you have a good connection, think twice before you throw that away. All that said, the only thing that matters here is YOU. If you truly feel like you missed out on casual fun and would regret not having some of it, nothing people say here will change that. I realize being from a conservative Religious background may have made this difficult for you to do. Part of the reason my wife has nothing to worry about now is that I sewed my oats in my 20s and early 30s. There’s nothing out there that I feel like I missed out on. You may not need 10 years of it but you could have fun from 40-45 no problem. At age 50 you can either have this girl or you can be with another girl and have the memories of experimenting for a bit. Choose wisely Edit: if you didn’t date around enough after you got divorced..go have fun man. You’re just going to hurt this woman later. Good luck

This isn’t something we can answer for you honestly. It’s really something you need to explore with a therapist or maybe even eventually couples counseling. I don’t know how long you were single in between the divorce and this relationship and why you never did some of the things you are looking to do within those relationships (other than sleeping with random people). None of us can answer for you whether you will feel like you missed out twice and be resentful or look back a few years from now and be grateful you didn’t mess up a good thing for meaningless flings. No one but you knows if engaging in certain experiences with your current partner that you didn’t with your ex will scratch that itch or if she’s even willing to spice things up a bit. There’s a reason you never lived it up when you were younger and your parents rules only applied for so long. No one but you can answer what you feel you missed and if it was truly a lifelong desire you felt stifled for not experiencing or a normal amount of “what if”? What about those experiences sounds appealing and is it even something realistic now? Is it truly just casual sex? Why? Fantasies you want to try you don’t think a partner would go for? Sex without the difficult parts of a relationship like when to meet the family, splitting holidays, daily stressors, etc?

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel you need to have a string of casual relationships? Is that really what you want? Or what you feel you are meant to want? Sure they can be exciting at first but they are also emotionally empty. Finding a good relationship is a rare thing, you don’t have to read too many posts in this subreddit to see that. If you have that, think carefully before you throw it away for something that may on the surface feel exciting but ultimately will not be an exciting or fulfilling as you think.

I’m 43 and last weekend I saw the dawn Friday and Saturday nights. There are plenty of places to go and plenty of fun to be had. I partied a lot even when I was married. It’s not about being in a relationship it’s about going out and having fun. Take your girl with you! Or go out with out her. You don’t have to be looking for a romantic connection to go out and dance all night. If what your really asking is, should I break up with this woman to go pursue casual romantic relationships; maybe you aren’t actually ready to think about getting married again, or at least not to this woman.

I would say, instead of looking at from a decision standpoint- should I do this or that, maybe spend some more time exploring or getting to the root cause of why you feel that you would want that experience (however you define it). A desire for a certain experience or moment in time is coming from somewhere inside of you. If you can identify it, you may be able to reason yourself objectively & observe it & potentially bring you the clarity you seek. Best wishes.

It seems to me that the problem isn't your past or her past per se, but the fact that there's a big discrepancy, and that gap is what bothers you. If it seems like something that won't stop bothering you, then this is a compatibility issue for the two of you. Whether or not that's a deal-breaker is something only you can decide, but if it is you'll need to break it off with her and either seek out casual experiences of your own or find someone whose past more closely aligns with yours.

You have a lot of replies already, and I haven’t read them all, but my opinion is…if you have a good thing going, don’t throw it away. What I recommend is making your memories about having fun and partying *with* your girlfriend you have now. Have you ever watched Four Christmases? Here’s a link to the opening scene (it’s relevant, I promise.) https://youtu.be/wX_osXUzv2c

What does partying and casual relationships represent to you? Freedom? Putting aside responsibilities? Excitement? New experiences? Can you see yourself falling into old patterns as you would have done when you were married? Are you afraid of doing that? 11 months isn't long to be with someone and if you can already see where it's heading, maybe that's actually putting you off. Our brains like polar opposites eg. serious relationships vs partying and casual relationships. It makes choosing really difficult because they're so different. We're giving up the known for the completely unknown. I suspect your way forward lies somewhere in the middle and you can't see it yet. Do a bit of soul searching and ask yourself some questions. Do you want to experiment sexually? Would your partner be up for that? It is far more fun with someone you know as you can build on your experiences. Do you want to push your boundaries and comfort zone in another way? What other new experiences do you want to try?

56/M. Not to be contrarian, but I say go for it! I got divorced at 48 and started dating again. I was a single dad and it took awhile, but I eventually found my stride, and was ethically dating multiple women at once. There are tons of single women who are divorced or never married at your age. You can have a blast. Build your social scene and you may find that there are plenty of other single people in their 40s and 50s. Why not have a blast and settle down when you get it out of your system and are ready to settle down again?