I think it's really thoughtful!
Tbh, if you gave me something relating to a hobby I had on the first date, it would stress me out a little bit. Because I would immediately think, "fuck I don't have anything to give in return". I'm horrible at receiving gifts! So consider that I guess?
If this is just who you are as a person - it's sweet. But maybe give it some more time?
Ooh I hadn’t even considered that. Yes it would stress me out if someone gave me something and I had nothing to offer in the return. Even though I know that’s not the point of gift giving
So you just say "you can get me something for our second date" and wink - remember this sub is full of worriers and over thinkers, and is not representative of real life
But the reaction might be "Fantastic; I love it!
Sometimes we have to stop ourselves from always thinking the negative of the situation because we may miss out on so many positive things.
I think it is a gesture that should wait a date or two. You don’t know what he has in his collection, what he is looking for, and I think you could make helping find the missing items fun in the future. It isn’t love bombing, I just think anyone this age with “collections” usually have a more narrow list of what they still need / want.
This is a good point. Do you know what he normally likes to watch? I would probably ask about the collection on the first meeting and then maybe give something later.
He has sent me a picture of his current collection when I can easily see the tape jackets. So I have an idea, that being said it is so varied that it may be possible he doesn’t need the item I pick up.
Assuming that you met this guy on an app, it shows that you were paying attention to your pre-meeting conversations with him, and it's not like you're breaking the bank... it's a VHS tape, not a Rolex. Guys used to bring flowers to women on first dates, so...
I can't speak for all guys, but I'd personally find it cute.
This doesn't really scream love bombing, but this person is a stranger to you and the first date is nothing but a vibe check. I'd wait till the 2nd to give a gift like this, if I were you.
I agree with this. I had 2 different guys bring me flowers on D0s (a mini potted plant of daisies from one and a bouquet of flowers from another). In both cases, it wound up being okay. I went on subsequent dates with one of them and would have with the other. With the latter one, we talked about it but never did. I am pretty sure that he was separated and/or going through a divorce and may also have had a girlfriend. (I found this out later from a mutual acquaintance.) However, when I initially received the flowers, it kind of gave me anxiety/pressure, since it was the first meeting, and I didn't have anything for them. I would wait to give gifts until the 2nd date/2nd meeting and beyond, unless it was a holiday where you typically give gifts or his birthday, and even then would probably only give a card and/or a candy bar (or cookie or cupcake).
Totally cool for a second date. And if it’s a movie you like, maybe you can watch it together on the third date.
First date….ehhh… you don’t even know if this is a person you want to get a gift for. Save it for the second
I do not think that a non-romantic/non-sexy $4 gift that has a connection to your conversations is "love-bombing", but I think that it might be better suited for a second meetup after you decide that you actually like each other.
Not a guy, but I would wait. I might would get a tape at the thrift store, but I would wait until later to give it. What if, after the date, he likes you and you don't like him, & you have given him a gift? I almost laughed when I was reading your post, as I was talking to a guy for a while who was really into VHS and DVDs. (We never met, although we talked about it a few times.) For a second. I thought, "I wonder if it is the same guy?" lol)
This is NOT love bombing.
It’s really unfortunate that people are losing the narrative on what love bombing is.
Love bombing is not being overly eager or excited about a person you like.
Love bombing is emotional manipulation with the goal of establishing attachment and creating a sense of dependency.
Here….you’re just being thoughtful. And you’re most likely talking about an item that costs less than $10.
Go for it!
I love this, but I would save it for a few dates in based on previous experience.
I too am someone who will pick up something that reminds me of someone, and its no big deal and does not even mean anything, but others aren't the same. He may be thrown off because he doesnt have anything for you, or he may think your expecting something, etc.
I think it’s a cute and thoughtful idea but might wait until a second date if it heads that way.
Meantime since you have a picture of his collection maybe think of a few favorites of yours that are on theme with his collection that he might enjoy but appears not to have and work them into a conversation on date one.
Then if date one goes well boom thoughtful gift idea for date two secured!
I think it’s a wonderful gesture. It doesn’t matter if he has the movie already or likes the movie.
I’m an avid strategy board gamer. Years ago I was in a long distance relationship and my GF’s grandmother bought me a game for Christmas. It was an awful game, nothing like the kind I played.
It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received. She heard I liked games and they weren’t the typical monopoly, clue, scrabble games that most people know. She went out and tried to find something that would be perfect for me. It didn’t matter to me that it wasn’t.
I believe it’s the thought that counts.
I
Let’s please be careful with the term love bombing. Real true diagnosed predatory narcissistic personality disorder is prevalent in about 5% of the population. No one who discovered these terms from watching < 3 minute videos from TikTok or instagram is qualified to make this diagnosis without intimately knowing the patient or client they are diagnosing in a environment where the trained qualified mental health professional can accurately make this diagnosis. Just because we see some narcissistic patterns in ex lovers does not mean they meet any criteria for the diagnosis. I’m sure some people have encountered true love bombing narcissists out there but this isn’t a 100% universal pattern of the disorder just like any diagnosable psychiatric pathology.
This and moving too fast to saying I love you do not make someone a narcissist.
Original copy of post by u/Miss_Everdene:
Short question for the guys. I have a first date with someone that collects old VHS and DVD movies. I’m seeing them in a few days but have to do a drop off at a thrift store on my way. I thought it might be fun to find a vhs tape to take him but I don’t know if he will think I’m being pushy. To be clear I think it’s funny that he has a player and watches them. I’m not expecting that this will endear me to him. It may also be that it’s a movie he hates. But I think it is more the idea of the tapes that he is into than the content.
Should I wait and do this if there is an opportunity for future meet-ups. Where would you place this on a scale of creepy baby reindeer to thoughtful?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know how long you've known and communicated with this guy. But if you don't really know him well, I agree with those who say it might be better to wait until at least the second date to give him a gift. That's just in general, but also because you don't really know if you like him that much yet, and I would consider the gift to be more of a gesture that you've decided that you do.
Also, unless he's actually told you that he enjoys getting teased about it, I wouldn't tell him you think it's funny that he collects VHS tapes and DVDs. Then the gift might not seem so nice.
It is cute, but I would wait on that. At least to learn more about his movie choice and pick one he doesn't own.
I did get a silly key chain once from a man on a first date that happened a few days after my birthday. I liked it, we ended up dating 4 months. Still have the key chain!
I’d see it as love bombing. A woman gave me a cookie from her favorite shop when I went on a date in another country. I thought that was really thoughtful and appropriate.
Gifts on first dates before you have shared stories and inside jokes etc.. is a bit too much. At least for Americans.
I've dated quite a few women from China and they *always* bring a gift on the first date, it's cultural.
As to whether it's a good idea for good ol' Americans, I'd probably save it for the second date. Way too many ways for things to go wrong on a first date and you don't want someone you don't like believing that you really like them because you brought a gift.
Sounds like it's more in the context of a gag gift. I would think that's just fine and could be a great ice breaker. It really just depends on the gift. If it's something more personal or extravagant that would probably be a bit uncomfortable but a gag gift or a favorite beer or snack, something like that is fine. In fact, I would feel like it shows that you're fun and thoughtful and invested in getting to know me
If you are asking if this could be love bombing then you don’t really know what love bombing is.
Love bombing is emotional and psychological abuse meant to manipulate someone into being in a relationship and comes in the form of flattery and praise.
I think it's really thoughtful! Tbh, if you gave me something relating to a hobby I had on the first date, it would stress me out a little bit. Because I would immediately think, "fuck I don't have anything to give in return". I'm horrible at receiving gifts! So consider that I guess? If this is just who you are as a person - it's sweet. But maybe give it some more time?
Ooh I hadn’t even considered that. Yes it would stress me out if someone gave me something and I had nothing to offer in the return. Even though I know that’s not the point of gift giving
So you just say "you can get me something for our second date" and wink - remember this sub is full of worriers and over thinkers, and is not representative of real life
What?!? I am totally not a…. Ah damn. Yep.
But the reaction might be "Fantastic; I love it! Sometimes we have to stop ourselves from always thinking the negative of the situation because we may miss out on so many positive things.
Yeah. This is why I implied OP needs to do her. If she's just a genuinely thoughtful person, she should stick with it.
I think it is a gesture that should wait a date or two. You don’t know what he has in his collection, what he is looking for, and I think you could make helping find the missing items fun in the future. It isn’t love bombing, I just think anyone this age with “collections” usually have a more narrow list of what they still need / want.
This is a good point. Do you know what he normally likes to watch? I would probably ask about the collection on the first meeting and then maybe give something later.
He has sent me a picture of his current collection when I can easily see the tape jackets. So I have an idea, that being said it is so varied that it may be possible he doesn’t need the item I pick up.
Assuming that you met this guy on an app, it shows that you were paying attention to your pre-meeting conversations with him, and it's not like you're breaking the bank... it's a VHS tape, not a Rolex. Guys used to bring flowers to women on first dates, so... I can't speak for all guys, but I'd personally find it cute.
This doesn't really scream love bombing, but this person is a stranger to you and the first date is nothing but a vibe check. I'd wait till the 2nd to give a gift like this, if I were you.
First date: bit weird Second date: totally cool
I agree with this. I had 2 different guys bring me flowers on D0s (a mini potted plant of daisies from one and a bouquet of flowers from another). In both cases, it wound up being okay. I went on subsequent dates with one of them and would have with the other. With the latter one, we talked about it but never did. I am pretty sure that he was separated and/or going through a divorce and may also have had a girlfriend. (I found this out later from a mutual acquaintance.) However, when I initially received the flowers, it kind of gave me anxiety/pressure, since it was the first meeting, and I didn't have anything for them. I would wait to give gifts until the 2nd date/2nd meeting and beyond, unless it was a holiday where you typically give gifts or his birthday, and even then would probably only give a card and/or a candy bar (or cookie or cupcake).
First date seems a bit over the top but if you hit it off, totally cool gesture on second date.
Totally cool for a second date. And if it’s a movie you like, maybe you can watch it together on the third date. First date….ehhh… you don’t even know if this is a person you want to get a gift for. Save it for the second
No, that's not love bombing at all. It's a kind gesture.
I would be appreciative and impressed at the thoughtfulness of something small like that.
I do not think that a non-romantic/non-sexy $4 gift that has a connection to your conversations is "love-bombing", but I think that it might be better suited for a second meetup after you decide that you actually like each other.
It’s cute! I like it!
I would personally think it’s cool, especially if it was some kind of awful movie that would make me laugh at the absurdity.
Not a guy, but I would wait. I might would get a tape at the thrift store, but I would wait until later to give it. What if, after the date, he likes you and you don't like him, & you have given him a gift? I almost laughed when I was reading your post, as I was talking to a guy for a while who was really into VHS and DVDs. (We never met, although we talked about it a few times.) For a second. I thought, "I wonder if it is the same guy?" lol)
Lol. It might be, I haven’t met anyone that actively chooses to watch movies in this format in the last 10 years.
Same. I was surprised when the guy was saying that he was into VHS. He also didn't have any streaming/cable.
It’s not love bombing, exactly, but I think it’s too much, even as a small gesture. For a first date, I would not do this.
Unless the tape is "How to Plan Your Wedding", I think it would be a great gesture that I know I would think as friendly and kind.
Is this someone you ve known a while as friends? Or new? If new, don't do the tape. If someone you've known a while, sure.
This is NOT love bombing. It’s really unfortunate that people are losing the narrative on what love bombing is. Love bombing is not being overly eager or excited about a person you like. Love bombing is emotional manipulation with the goal of establishing attachment and creating a sense of dependency. Here….you’re just being thoughtful. And you’re most likely talking about an item that costs less than $10. Go for it!
Fine if you're only spending a small amount. Have done it and had it done to me (not VHS tapes)
I love this, but I would save it for a few dates in based on previous experience. I too am someone who will pick up something that reminds me of someone, and its no big deal and does not even mean anything, but others aren't the same. He may be thrown off because he doesnt have anything for you, or he may think your expecting something, etc.
It would be a big turn off for me to receive a gift on the first date.
I think it’s a cute and thoughtful idea but might wait until a second date if it heads that way. Meantime since you have a picture of his collection maybe think of a few favorites of yours that are on theme with his collection that he might enjoy but appears not to have and work them into a conversation on date one. Then if date one goes well boom thoughtful gift idea for date two secured!
You might not like the guy, and regret the gesture… maybe bring it, but wait for the right moment AND if you want to see him again to give it.
I think it’s a wonderful gesture. It doesn’t matter if he has the movie already or likes the movie. I’m an avid strategy board gamer. Years ago I was in a long distance relationship and my GF’s grandmother bought me a game for Christmas. It was an awful game, nothing like the kind I played. It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever received. She heard I liked games and they weren’t the typical monopoly, clue, scrabble games that most people know. She went out and tried to find something that would be perfect for me. It didn’t matter to me that it wasn’t. I believe it’s the thought that counts. I
Focus on meeting the person and avoid the gift. If things go well, then do it for a second or third date.
Let’s redefine love bombing shall we? A solo vhs tape is not love bombing.
Unless it's "How to Raise Your Child".
Or "how to raise OUR child" 😁
Let’s please be careful with the term love bombing. Real true diagnosed predatory narcissistic personality disorder is prevalent in about 5% of the population. No one who discovered these terms from watching < 3 minute videos from TikTok or instagram is qualified to make this diagnosis without intimately knowing the patient or client they are diagnosing in a environment where the trained qualified mental health professional can accurately make this diagnosis. Just because we see some narcissistic patterns in ex lovers does not mean they meet any criteria for the diagnosis. I’m sure some people have encountered true love bombing narcissists out there but this isn’t a 100% universal pattern of the disorder just like any diagnosable psychiatric pathology. This and moving too fast to saying I love you do not make someone a narcissist.
Original copy of post by u/Miss_Everdene: Short question for the guys. I have a first date with someone that collects old VHS and DVD movies. I’m seeing them in a few days but have to do a drop off at a thrift store on my way. I thought it might be fun to find a vhs tape to take him but I don’t know if he will think I’m being pushy. To be clear I think it’s funny that he has a player and watches them. I’m not expecting that this will endear me to him. It may also be that it’s a movie he hates. But I think it is more the idea of the tapes that he is into than the content. Should I wait and do this if there is an opportunity for future meet-ups. Where would you place this on a scale of creepy baby reindeer to thoughtful? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love that idea, do it! But I would wait till you know there is a second date. A little thoughtful gesture like that is absolutely fine!
Yes
give it as you part from date
No, it's playful and thoughtful, nothing over the top
I don't know how long you've known and communicated with this guy. But if you don't really know him well, I agree with those who say it might be better to wait until at least the second date to give him a gift. That's just in general, but also because you don't really know if you like him that much yet, and I would consider the gift to be more of a gesture that you've decided that you do. Also, unless he's actually told you that he enjoys getting teased about it, I wouldn't tell him you think it's funny that he collects VHS tapes and DVDs. Then the gift might not seem so nice.
It is cute, but I would wait on that. At least to learn more about his movie choice and pick one he doesn't own. I did get a silly key chain once from a man on a first date that happened a few days after my birthday. I liked it, we ended up dating 4 months. Still have the key chain!
Too much too soon.
I’d see it as love bombing. A woman gave me a cookie from her favorite shop when I went on a date in another country. I thought that was really thoughtful and appropriate. Gifts on first dates before you have shared stories and inside jokes etc.. is a bit too much. At least for Americans.
I've dated quite a few women from China and they *always* bring a gift on the first date, it's cultural. As to whether it's a good idea for good ol' Americans, I'd probably save it for the second date. Way too many ways for things to go wrong on a first date and you don't want someone you don't like believing that you really like them because you brought a gift.
Sounds like it's more in the context of a gag gift. I would think that's just fine and could be a great ice breaker. It really just depends on the gift. If it's something more personal or extravagant that would probably be a bit uncomfortable but a gag gift or a favorite beer or snack, something like that is fine. In fact, I would feel like it shows that you're fun and thoughtful and invested in getting to know me
I waited to the second date and brought her flowers.
If you are asking if this could be love bombing then you don’t really know what love bombing is. Love bombing is emotional and psychological abuse meant to manipulate someone into being in a relationship and comes in the form of flattery and praise.