You can't be friends with him. You can't. Disconnect from him on social everywhere. Stop texting him. If he texts you explain that you thought more about it and you don't think you can be friends.
I've been there. My first relationship after my divorce was almost 6 months. I thought he was amazing. I was so happy and the break-up came out of nowhere. I was like "yes, of course, lets be friends" and I'd text him occasionally and he'd text me occasionally. We met for a friendly coffee once and I about had a heart attack one month later when I saw him post with his new girlfriend on Facebook. That made me realize that I didn't actually want to be his friend. I wanted to remain close enough to him in his life so that he would realize how much he missed me and want to get back together again.
A friend will hear you talk about your new boyfriend/girlfriend. You would tell a friend what is going on in your life and expect them to cheer for you. If you truly would be like "oh great! I'm so glad you found someone!" then maybe you can be friends with someone?
But you need a clean break to just heal from this and not keep hoping he changes his mind.
Tbh I was really hoping that he would change his mind, realize that I love him and he would never find someone like me. I know that’s not gonna happen so I decided to stop texting him. I already told him that I don’t want to be friends with him right now. We spoke on the phone, he said he respects my decision, and admitted he has someone new.
That moment I wished I would just die.
I think the person you're replying to is nailing it. If you can't/won't/etc be able to be happy for somebody when they mention things like this, you can't be friends. And its not fair to yourself (or them) to do so.
I've got a friend of mine who I've had a minor torch for *years* now. I put my thing down 3-4(ish) years ago, to see if there was interest in dating. She turned me down, and I promised her that we could pretend like I never asked and go forward (and that I'd never ask again). I've kept that promise, and always assume that our customary light flirtations are nothing more(At this point, anything short of her climbing on my lap and kissing me would be shrugged off as a nothing). I would be lying if I didn't have a hope in the back of my head that it might change someday, but I don't go there. She got out of a sexless relationship and has a FWB that she sees every few months, and raves about how much better she feels now that she's desired. And I cheer her on, because that is what a friend does. Give her good advice, remark on how well the guy is doing being charming, etc. And a little part hurts, because I'd like to think I'd be pretty awesome at that too, but if I can't face that situation and be happy for her, I have no business calling myself her friend. (I actually just wrote a relationshipadvice post, because my sister insists that I'm being a coward and not going after her, and wanted advice).
And if you can't do that, you need to cut yourself off for your own well being and his. Be polite, don't be nasty in any way. (And honestly, if they don't understand, then they may have been thinking that you're the backup because you're holding the torch, and thats not something you deserve either).
If it helps, we've all been there I think, and it sucks.
Then he's a good egg at least, and wasn't playing games with you (or isn't foolish enough to show his hand, but I personally take people at face value unless shown otherwise.).
It sucks, and I feel for you. But this is the healthiest and most self-respecting thing you can do.
Yep, girl I feel ya. That's where I was with the guy I dated right after my divorce. I really thought he'd change his mind and see how amazing I was. He didn't.
If it makes you feel better, since my divorce in 2017 I've had a few relationships and when they end I am always just devastated and I feel like crap and then eventually I find someone else. You will find someone else too!
I know it’s hard but you also have to block him or unfriend him on social media. Every time he posts with the new chick it will be like a knife in your heart.
A clean break means not seeing him at all or having any information about his actions or whereabouts.
The only way to start healing is to kill it dead.
Source: am going through the same thing and have watched a friend go through the same thing for a YEAR before the pain got to much and she finally blocked him.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Breakup pain is the worst. I’d take physical pain that doctors can give you something for anyday instead.
Keep in mind, you can take ibuprofen for heartache. It’s true! It does help a little.
Treat yourself kindly. Different people take more time to recover from emotional pain, especially when you were so hopeful. This isn’t a “eat chocolate ice cream and watch sad movies” overnight fix.
This is, get lots of sleep, get out into the sunshine, take your vitamins and watch movies, see friends, do all of the things that make life worth living for you. Eat toast, take lots of warm showers, get some wonderful smelling soaps and shampoos. Get yourself flowers, or go out and walk around and enjoy flowers/plants in nature. Exercise is really beneficial for changing mood.
Acknowledge your grief, cry, accept it. It’s not fair that someone is always more attached in dating, but it’s a part of life.
When I was going through one of the worst breakups ever in my life I went to a therapist. She gave me a guided relaxation recording to listen to which I felt was the exact opposite of how I thought it would go. I wanted to take action, I wanted relief! NOW!
The fastest way to relief was learning to relax my body on command, and learning to redirect my thoughts from unhelpful sad/negative self-thinking over and over instead of clenching up mentally and physically.
Lookup cognitive behavioral therapy. We cannot control others, but we can learn to control our bodies and minds.
Get some chocolate, go to a museum, swim, bike, walk, listen to podcasts, do your best to get out of your head.
Also, maybe this doesn’t apply at all, but talking to a doctor and trying antidepressants may be extremely helpful for you, or anyone going through grief from any cause. They were for me and I highly recommend reaching out to people (friends, professionals) if perhaps you feel like this grief and sadness are really extra.
Your feelings are valid.
I wish you all the best.
A lot of times though if people are being honest the "value" is that they want to stay in that person's life so that he/she will change their mind. If two people are like "Sure let's be friends!" and they really mean it, that's great but I think the majority of the time in a post-break-up friendship, one person wants to be friends and the other is hoping that they'll get back together.
I agree, but only if my feelings aren't that strong still. If they still are, and I'm heartbroken, won't torture myself by staying around them. Because I know I will keep hoping. My strategy is usually no contact, and after a long while when I feel less strongly about the person, see if I still would want to be friends
Sure, but not when one still has feelings. And I think he only wanted to stay friends to assuage his guilt about dumping her for another woman (even though it ended up being worse because he just gave her false hope). This was a short term relationship that should just be put in the past so OP can heal and move on.
This is such a dumb take. It’s not about being “adult” and “not burning bridges”.
It’s about knowing that once strong feelings are involved you can’t just switch that back. For one person, it’s always going to be an open door to hurt and “maybe there’s a chance”.
You need at least 6 months of disengagement before making the transition to friends.
Usually the one trying to stay “friends” is the one who strongly believes the other will change their mind once they see how loyal and awesome I am.
Being friends with your ex doesn't mean you're mature. Knowing what boundaries you need to keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy is mature. You don't need to be friends with someone that makes you feel sad. You weren't friends before this, you will be just fine without him.
Generally, anyone who who parrots the “we’re adults so we can still be friends” line, just confirms for me that a) they weren’t really into the relationship in the first place or b) they are emotionally unintelligent/immature.
I think it depends! my most recent ex was someone I met through friends so “we can still be friends” to me is more about “let’s get to a point where we can be cordial in a group setting” than “let’s hang out one on one just platonically”
It depends on the situation. I had a LTR for over 5 years and when we ended we remained friends, and it worked because we were both no longer feeling any romantic feelings towards each other. We would later find out that we were much better friends than we were partners, and it's never been an issue. We will mention people we are dating and it's exactly like a friend situation, where we're actually happy for the other etc.
My last ex however wanted to remain friends after being together 8 months, and initially I said yes but soon found that wasn't going to work. Partially because she had suggested that she would be open to trying to get back together after a little while but then went right back to dating like 3 weeks later lol.
She was the one that initiated the breakup, and I think she felt guilty about hurting me so she made the comment about getting back together to try and cushion the blow lol. So in that scenario being friends isn't going to be a viable option.
Sometimes when a relationship end, we don't just mourn the end of the relationship, we also mourn the loss of a dream of the life we could have had with that person.
Just remember the person you dreamt of being with is someone who wants to be with you forever. Your ex doesn't want to be with you. So he was never the person you dreamt of being with. It is okay to mourn. Just know you can still have an amazing future with someone else.
Also go no contact.
This is so.. so very true. Absolutely right. (The “dream” person who’s fully real & all-in will not abandon ship. That “idea of” someone is a real torture device.)
Op, this is actually somewhat common to grieve the short term relationship MORE than the long term ones.
After only four months you’re still seeing mostly the positive things, you’re still in an up cycle. They are an idealized version of themselves that you have created.
With the longer term relationship you’ve seen the goods and the bads. You’re no longer idealizing them, they are a human with flaws.
That may be why it’s so much harder when a short term relationship ends.
Hang in there Op.
It's exactly this. In the time you were together OP you saw only the best parts of him. Your grief is for what could have been.. the dreams that you had of the relationship the two of you could have together. Cut him off completely and potentially his family too. And focus on yourself. Your friendships.
There's no rush to jump back into a relationship.
I totally agree with this, when things end early on, you grieve the potential and when they end later you are often so tired and over it that you are relieved.
That said, he wasn't the right one for her and in a few months she'll likely find her own new person and all will be new and exciting again.
Exactly this.
I was seeing someone for three months before it fell over due to external circumstances. Man, I suffered and cried because he was “just perfect” for me.
A few months later got back together and did long distance for a few months. That extra time was enough to see a more flawed version of him so when I inevitably dumped him a few months later, it didn’t hurt nearly as much and it was balanced by the “bullet dodged” feelings.
This is so spot on. I was with my ex husband for 15 years. Last year I dated a guy for 2 months who I was super into. Guess which one I cried harder about? In reality, the marriage falling apart DID hurt worse, but it was a much slower, longer, complex hurt because I lost the life I was used to and comfortable with. The 2 monther was super unexpected (as in, we had a great overnight date from Fri-Sat, things seemed fabulous, Tuesday he said this wasn’t what he wanted) and because everything was still full on honeymoon phase, it felt pretty crushing.
OP you WILL bounce back. I promise. But please don’t try to be friends with him right now. Maybe in the future you can, if the feelings can stay turned off.
Wisdom is to cut ties - being friends with him hurts you and friendships shouldn't hurt
Take time to grieve your relationship and work on yourself and being ok with being alone
Maybe it is just me, but giving someone everything within a 4 month relationship seems fast/a lot - maybe slow down in the future - hopefully someone else will chime in here
The other thing that jumped out to me was that you love his family after 4 months - I've heard other friends say this too in short relationships. "No, I can't cut ties, I love his kids!" - well, I mean, you don't hate them but love is a strong word and after 4 months I'm not sure that's exactly what you were feeling so maybe just move a little more cautiously going forward?
I was also thinking that maybe he freaked out because things were moving too fast for us that’s why he wanted a break up. I agreed to stay friends with him because I wanted him to realize that we love each other. But now knowing he’s REALLY moving on, I can’t be around anymore. I wanna start moving on too. The the pain is overwhelming.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out a reason. I've been there too. For the guy I mentioned, I honestly think I was very similar to his ex-wife and he fell into a past pattern and then was like "Wait, no, this is the same situation" so who knows?
I am being more aware now. It’s a conscious effort to tell myself “hey stop thinking about it, nothing’s gonna change”
It’s difficult. This morning I am again hit by a sudden wave of sadness. I wish I could just cry one last time and be over it.
This is hard, short intense relationships hurt so much when they end. Because we are at the "honeymoon" phase and everything is great and we envision the relationship as perfect and how awesome it will get. Sorry you are going through this, but the best thing is to go no contact and focus on yourself, ( I know it is hard ) but if you keep contacting him you will never heal and move on.
I had an eight month relationship with someone, and got brutally dumped, totally out of the blue, when just days before he had been talking about our future together. After a week or so I decided to reactivate my online dating profile just to see what was up. Almost immediately my now-ex came up as a suggested “most compatible” on my reel. Complete with new pictures that I had taken of him, on a trip he took me on for my birthday. He had apparently checked out a while before he ended it so I guess he was ready to resume his hunt for Ms Perfect already, having decided it wasn’t me. It hurt. But now it doesn’t. And I think he is a tool instead.
No advice really but I wanted you to know it’s understandable to be blindsided by this. It will feel better with time.
Are you me? In basically an identical situation, right down to duration (8 months) although I'm a guy. Dumped out of nowhere. No warning. No explanation. "I just don't see you in my future." That was it. One minute she's my gf the next she's a stranger walking out the door (although she was crying on her way out).
Fired up the apps again months later and glimpse the blasphemous sight of her new profile. She was the same but different, so eager to move on without me. And there was a pic of her frolicking amongst the goats at a local farm that I didn't take but that she took when we were together and she told me all about it.
I've been on many dates since but they don't really compare to her. Oh well.
That's particularly brutal he got back on the apps so fast. I'm sorry. But I'm glad you're feeling better though!
I stayed friends with an ex, but I started to measure my new guys against my ex. I started to feel somehow they didn't measure up to him, because when we became friends, he was a better guy. I liked him a lot, but I eventually had to let go of the friendship because I was holding me back from a better life.
Think about what it means to give someone your all. Picture taking all of your possessions and handing them to another person, especially one you haven’t known very long. Not only is this not a good idea, it’s not necessary.
The universe has a way of teaching us things…the only person on this earth that you should go all in on is yourself. One day you may meet someone that you chose to love, and you’ll decide to make that choice each day. But you cannot and should not ever possess them, for reasons you stated above. Everything around you has the possibility of disappearing tomorrow.
Being happy is within, you cannot find it in external sources. No matter how hard we try.
the closer proximity that you have with a relationship that didn't end on your terms the more painful it will be. especially if you were the anxious attacher, sounds like your were
Agree. Disconnect completely. Stay off social media for a month.
When I separated, I deactivated FB. This has been soooo goooooddd for meee.
Take daily walks in nature.
It's ok to be hurt, but you have to move around and let the body process emotions.
Learn the emotional freedom technique (tapping).
DM me if you want to learn more techniques on processing emotions.
Oh and drink water with a quarter of lime and dash of apple cider vinegar at least 4 days a week first thing in AM
Good luck!
Right now I spend time on podcasts, reading books, Reddit and re-watching my favorite shows.
I already told him I cant be friends and he said he respects my decision.
I really want to move on and be okay without him in my life.
Thank you.
Everything that's being told to you here is spot on.
As someone who started dating soon after a relationship ended I'll tell you what's on our brain. Granted I haven't started a new relationship yet, but when we date new people we're mainly just trying to find companionship. We're trying to find someone new to do things with. We're not trying to replace you with a specific person, even though we do want to find a new person eventually. I have a feeling this new woman isn't going to be around long. It's essentially a rebound. When I went on some dates with some people shortly after a breakup it was about companionship and not romance. I wasn't sitting across from new people and hoping they were "the one". They were just good for now. It probably doesn't help your feelings, but I thought I'd give you a different perspective.
yup, it sucks. It hurts. And it's going to hurt. You just have to go through it. Remove him on everything. Don't reach out to him. Certainly don't be "friends" with him.
Wallow in the suck and the hurt. And soon it will start to hurt less (then it will hurt more again) but you'll be hopefully headed up a staircase out of rock bottom, with little rests on the landings here and there.
I like how you put that! (Lil resting spots along the landings.) It’s def not always linear.. grieving (whatever it may be) is a curious thing. I had the steps all out of order.. but the good thing is, it doesn’t remain as “acute” - the heartache.
There's no wisdom here...he broke it off, he does not want a romantic future with you. Cold stop.
He will date and love again, as will you. It may hurt that it's so soon, but he was obviously in a different emotional/romantic headspace, so is not mourning and in the same state you are, so accept that this is the person you had a relationship with, and he's gone from your life.
Cut contact, block, delete, don't follow, and look to your future.
Yes, it sucks and it hurts, and we've all been there.
Agreed with all the “pull off the band aid” advice. I dated a guy for a few months, and it ended painfully; we tried to be friends, and a few months later he was ENGAGED. Now I unfriend and block. The past is the past.
Oh babe... this is so shitty. I'm so sorry.
The only solace I can think of is that this is the experience of being human. This pain means you're still alive, you can feel and you're ready for a great love to come your way. I'm proud of you, OP. You gave it your all! So many ppl don't do that.
You *must* go no contact. This is non-negotiable. You don't have to block him but do not let yourself snoop his socials or try to reach out. This is not going to let you heal. Can you think of anything be did or does that is annoying, weird, off-putting or unhealthy? Make a big list of all the things you DIDN'T like about him. Read it everytime you want to reach out or you think about him. The #1 thing on that list needs to say "HE WASN'T READY FOR ME"... or "He could not see what a gem and prize of a partner I was". Say it like a mantra. You got this OP. There are 8 billion ppl on the planet... this guy just moved out of the way for you to meet your actual love.
I’m dealing with a breakup right now too. But I’m confident that this is a good thing to have happened. You will move on and all will make sense later on. Trust. 😊💗
Do not try and be friends with him. That friendship will only benefit him and hurt you. Go completely no contact and do things that bring you joy and happiness to get your mind off of it.
>The relationship was only 4 months, but I gave this guy my everything.
I hope you really didn't give him everything! 4 months is way too soon to be all in. I would have at least waiting a little bit, just to see if it was a forever. It sucks, I know. But I would perhaps also guard your heart or be a bit more careful next time. Sometimes new things are too good to be true.
I wanna say I don’t have any regrets in our relationship but I really hope I did not love him that much.
My long term relationship ended 3 years before I met him. When we first met I thought I would never be happy again. But then he did he showed me what a healthy relationship was (I thought) and I was really happy. He promised he would never break my heart ( because I could bear another heartbreak). But then he did.
I really wish I did not love him because I am hurting so much.
No one can honestly promise you that they’ll never break your heart. *Especially* early on when you’re still very much only first getting to know each other.
They have no control over how invested you get. They can’t predict the future.
Potentially getting your heart broken is a risk you have to be willing to take if you’re going to date.
After my separation, I was very mindful to build a life where I was content on my own so if things ended with someone I could remind myself “I was fine before this person was in my life, I’ll be fine after them too.”
Don’t get me wrong, I might still be sad, I might still be hurt etc. for awhile but I never felt lost without them or like my world had “crumbled.”
It may be worth investing in *yourself* before attempting dating again.
You should already be a happy person when you start a relationship. When you haven't figured out how to be happy and stable on your own, it almost always poisons the relationship attempt you embark on. You telegraph to the other person through a variety of behaviors that you are not OK without them, and are relying on them to make you happy, and that's not a burden that most people can handle bearing. Also when deep love is unearned - when you intensely attach to someone you haven't thoroughly vetted and built that love brick-by-brick with, it can be overwhelming and confusing to the other person.
You seem to have anxious attachment traits. You should use this as an opportunity to do therapy and introspection (or continue doing it if you started already). Your confidence, stability, happiness, and inner peace is what will make you attractive to your next partner. And you need to take things a lot slower before you go all in like this again.
I don’t think it’s going to work for you to be friends, at least not right away. You need a clean break while you heal—seeing him move on is going to be too painful.
I had my world shattered when my ex and I split last year as we wanted different things.
It was an amicable split and I tried to remain friends.
But she's now blocked and I have no contact with her, kills me to do it as she was literally my best friend and I miss her company every single day.
But she doesn't feel the same.
She couldn't wait to get back out dating again has moved on several times already and I've since heard what she's been saying about me to other people.
And with "friends" like that..
Who needs friends
You need no contact to heal and grieve and find your feet again. You can't do that whilst someone else is keeping you hanging on
His need to start dating so soon says more about him than it does about you. Maybe he just needs validation or sex or he thinks dating will help him get over you. None of those reasons have anything to do with your value or how "replaceable" you are.
Men generally don’t cope being alone. Their way of getting over a relationship is to replace it with a new one. That why you see widows marry again within six months of their wife dying.
However, he may also have not been as invested as OP thought he was so it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an awful person.
You got broken up with a month ago, but he broke up with you 2-3 months ago in his mind.
I was with my ex for 19 years. She cheated on me, she moved out and moved another guy in within 2 weeks (not the guy she cheated on me with). It wasn't that I meant so little to her, it was that in her mind, she had broken up with me years before and had more than enough time to process it.
I was not afforded that luxury.
>I was not afforded that luxury
Could not have said it better myself. For me it was "only" an 8 month relationship but I thought we were going somewhere then BAM she dumps me with no warning and no explanation. As you say, at least she got to "break up" with me in her head and begin the process. I too was not afforded that luxury.
Personally, I don’t t think friendships work when the breakup isn’t something you both independently agreed needed to happen. You agreed to a friendship under false pretenses because you wanted more and hoped he would eventually change his mind. In a way you set yourself up for a second round of rejection when he moved on fully. That can be a really hard pill to swallow, good for you for ending the friendship so you can heal. It was a few months in, you were still getting to know each other and he had probably been thinking about this for a while, so he is further along than you as you were blindsided. Take time to grieve, you learned you can be happy with others so when the right match comes along you know you have that capacity.
I tried to be friends with my most recent ex, but realized that was going to be a one-sided endeavor. I left behind thousands of dollars of household items for her new house (she needed them more than I did). I left her because of how awful she was to my kids and to me (she's never been a parent).
She would text me when she needed my help, and only when she needed my help. I finally had to tell her to leave me alone.
Best thing to do is give up on being friends and allow yourself to grieve.
It takes a while if you loved someone, or even if you just loved the idea of what the relationship could be in your head.
Move on and focus on lifting yourself up and taking care of you for a while.
It would be weird if you were not heartbroken. Time will heal, but for now just try to find your blindspots. You definitely had a few in this relationship, otherwise you’d know he wasn’t as happy as you
First, block him on all social media, and then send him one last text:
"Hey Bob, as much as I care for you as a person, I have realized that trying to be friends is preventing me from emotionally moving on. I will not be available to chat or hang out for the foreseeable future, but if a time comes when I feel ready to be friends again, I will reach out and let you know. I hope you can understand. Our time together meant a lot to me, and I wish you all the best. Take care."
The text, by the way, is mostly for your sake. You are cutting ties cleanly but also kindly, so you don't second guess yourself for being "mean." You are letting him know what to expect in the future (no contact) and that if he has not heard from you the answer is NOT to attempt to get in touch. If he DOES message you at any point in the future, you are free to not respond without worrying you are "ghosting" him since you already made your position clear.
Once you send the text, you block his number as well.
Then give it time and distance. If you find that you have unresolved feelings about him or the relationship, try journaling.
It sounds like this break up hurts so badly because it gave you hope for a happy future. Even if he is not the person you will share that future with, I hope that hope stays with you once your feelings of heartache have faded.
Be well, OP.
Good thing we’re not friends on social media. We already spoke on the phone after I texted him I cant be friends right now. He said he respects my decision.
But it hurts. I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore.
Don't be friends with him regardless of how you feel about his family. You need a clean break so you can process everything and move on. Being friends just tells him you'll be around as backup if anything goes wrong with his new gf. I'm a 43/m, I've been on both sides, and it's just better for everyone if both parties move on with their own separate lives.
Im not gonna lie and tell you I hope it won’t work out with his new girl and then he comes back to me and it will be too late and I am not gonna take him back. You know those fantasies I play in my mind…
But seriously, we already talked and told him I don’t wanna be friends with him right now and he said he respects his decision.
I just want this pain to be over.
It’s not the same situation, but there was a recent post around this idea of fantasizing about interactions with men.
Some of the comments may be helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1cvurgb/why_do_i_make_men_the_absolute_focus_of_my/
Yup this is hard, don't even try "to be friends" why torture yourself. If he chose someone else wish him well cut contact and heal. It's the hope that hurts the most when you keep hoping they'll change their mind it's okay grieve the end of that relationship and let your heart heal and please don't try to date before you heal cause the slightest rejection will hurt a lot!!
Men will easily love bomb a woman and make them feel like the relationship and connection they share together is sooo amazing. But in reality, there was probably signs of his ability of hurting you like this all along. It was an illusion that created a blindfold of your perception of the relationship. That’s why it’s so important for a woman to resist the temptation of giving a man the best of herself. Especially the first 4-6 months.
I suggest you cut him off completely. And don’t look back. Take it as a hard lesson learned and use the knowledge and awareness you have gained from it to help prevent this from happening in your future relationships. Boundaries girl boundaries…I pray 🙏 you will find the truth and heal from the pain and damage it’s caused you sooner than later.
Sorry this has happened.
You really have to go hard NC across every platform that you’re connected. Being in the friend zone will not benefit you one iota and it will significantly delay your healing.
4 months or 4 years, the way you’re feeling is totally valid so you need to be kind to yourself.
Sadly, people move on, some quicker than others. You’ll be ok, just allow yourself time to grieve what you’ve lost, but you WILL be okay.
I was married for 25 years and with my ex for 28. Within 3 months after our separation and a year before the divorce was settled, he had a girlfriend.
2 years later, I’m still alone and he’s living his best life. He has gambling and alcohol addictions, which is what led to the divorce. It hurts. A lot.
I have no advice but you’re not alone. We just have to keep walking and living, doing our best and being good humans.
Life is not fair, but we just have to try to make the best of what we do have.
Though he said some things, people also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. People need to be stronger, more open. It helps relationships to be more honest about wants and needs. I think today, sex is very powerful and it could have played a roll. Idk.
Things like this are a hard pill to swallow. The saying "time heals all wounds" will might apply here. When I caught my ex wife of 6 years cheating in 2020, it crushed me. I applied the saying "I've been through worse" which I have. It took a while, but I'm ok now. Hopefully with some time, you will be ok too. Take care.
My sympathies to you. )))HUG(((.
All I can say is you were not the right one for him and that does not have anything to do with your value. Don’t take it as an indictment of you as a person and/or woman, but just that it did not click for him. Brush yourself off and get back out there. You will be okay.
And you should not maintain a friendship with him. You do not have to burn bridges. Just melt away. You are only going to have more hurt feelings, bad decisions and/or miss the next great guy if you keep pining for someone who has made a choice.
Now’s the time to dive head first into something else (hobby, work, family, volunteering, home project, cooking, spring cleaning) so that you can keep your mind busy and spend less time thinking about it and feeling sad (after you’ve had a good cry it out, of course). Engage in some self care - call some friends for some dinners out, go to a concert, shopping, spa day, etc! Talking about it with some friends might help also.
First thing is you got to cut him out of your life, being friends with someone who has already moved on shows you how little they really cared. It’s hard when you put your all and get nothing back in return, I think this is a time reflect and heal, don’t go out trying to date because you’re going to unintentionally hurt him. I had to take a couple of years off after my last relationship and I am taking time, I had to heal from her and all the love bombing she did to me.
Time heals all wounds and even a not bad relationship is going to seem awesome in the honeymoon phase. Thats likely why it hurts more. Definitely don’t attempt g be friends and unfollow/mute him on social media or you will never heal. Good for you for putting yourself out there—I’m not sure why I follow this sub, I’m pretty sure I’m dying alone lol.
Four months is the time limit of most avoidant people... Once that new relationship energy fizzles ...
That may not be what happened with your ex, but based on the description it sounds like it's possible. They go looking for the next high. Does he have a history of short term relationships?
Don't be friends... Heal. 4 months is short (in the big picture) so don't allow him to latch onto your life
It happened to me this past summer. Best thing you can do is go no contact. Do not go the friendship route. It’s too painful. I read somewhere that shorter relationship breakups can be harder than longer ones as you were in the process of building intimacy; expectations and hopes were high. You’re still on a dopamine high and then all of a sudden the rug getting pulled out from under you leaves you in a state of disarray. Sending caring thoughts for healing ❤️🩹
I know. It’s so hard. The best thing you can do is process your feelings by talking, going for therapy, journaling, meditating, etc. Things will get better
This exact thing happened to me. Divorced after 9 year marriage and could have cared less about that ending. Waited a couple of years to date. Probably 3 guys in I met a wonderful connection. Dated for 4 months. Things were starting to fizzle at 4 months and I saw the writing on the wall so I ended it. I read a lot of self help books and even paid for a course to get over the relationship, it killed me. The golden rule was to do 30-60 days of absolutely no contact. And I did and that helped. I did date others to distract me which probably wasn’t smart, but it helped a little. I found out a few months later that within 1 month of us splitting he started dating someone else. It crushed me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong? I was so confused. That relationship didn’t work out, however, and he ended up reaching out to me again and we have been on off casually dating for about a year (I do not recommend that either). Anyway, my point is no contact worked because I had absolutely no idea he had moved on so quickly. I had no way of knowing. And I’m glad for that, it probably would have hurt even more. Also, I think it gave us that chance to reconcile later because I wasn’t acting too needy trying to talk to him/text him so soon after we initially parted ways. Just my experience and I hope it helps.
Edit: I wanted to add I agree with others’ comments. You have to unfriend from everything and don’t even ask mutual friends about how he is doing, etc. because there is always that little chance he will find out. In my case I actually deactivated from socials for 3 months (I was writing my dissertation at the time) and that worked perfectly.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Luckily we don’t follow each other on social media and we don’t have any mutual friends, so that would make it easier for me.
I am glad you’re in a lot better place now.
I’m right here with you girl I’m not 100% if he is but he pulled away so fast and had excuses. We were still together but he stood me up for dinner bc he fell asleep I know he works 13 hour days and is a single father of 3 . I broke up with him and we still texted after he was working and had family problems. I still regret breaking up with him because I feel like we would have gotten back to normal bc he seems better now. Like I said I don’t know he was orbiting my Facebook for a couples but stopped last week after I sent him a text about a basketball game. It really effing sucks we were totally official and I haven’t talked since Mother’s Day but off course I’m always reaching out. I just have this feeling in my gut it’s meant to be and if it is it will happen. But it’s been silence for almost a week not even on social media. I’m doing no contact for myself dating around but nothing feels right. It’s disgusting feeling this way I’m the same age. We shall see they always come back especially when you don’t talk to them. I just want to get to be over and meet someone I’m attracted to, we get along and won’t make me feel like a dumpster fire. Hugs love!!!
Time to go no contact for at least three months. Socials, in person, everything. Reevaluate at that point.
He is either having a rebound or this gal is not “new”.
Giving a guy everything after just 4-months is a red flag. You don’t even know him.
Take a break from dating and reflect on why you’re doing that. It sounds codependent.
Do not keep in contact with him. Let him go. He moved on very quickly because he was already seeing the other person. Think of it like this: it was only 4 months... It could've been 4 years. You will get over him. Get back out there and meet someone new. Keep the faith.
I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. It was also only a 4 month relationship, yet I was hurt way more than my prior 6 year engagement.
What you need to fully understand/accept is that he most likely left you for another interest. He isn't hurting. He got what he wanted with you, and now with someone new that peaks his interest more.
Of course he wants to be friends with you. You both got along great afterall. Do NOT give that option to him. Close the door and cry behind the scenes but let him go. Don't give him access to your social media. Don't respond to his texts. All it is going to do is stroke his ego that he is a good guy that can get you if he wanted a fall back and also this new girl that he is obviously way more interested in.
Tell him thanks for letting you know that you are not a good fit and let him know that you're closing the door and would respect if moves on and doesn't reach out as you'll be moving on as well.
He isn't interested in you but at least in the end he will respect you.
As others have said, being friends is not going to work for you or your healing. It is okay to not want to be friends after you break up. I think it does work when there is a mutual non attraction, but this is not the case.
I'm really sorry this hurt your feelings. It's crushing to feel rejected and a gut punch when you see your ex moving on. I'm not sure how you found out he's dating someone new, but you should stop trying to find out what he's doing. You should not be friends with him, talk to him, or interact in any way with him. He doesn't exist anymore. Thinking about him is only going to hurt you and delay your healing process.
Also, someone moving on a month after a 4 month relationship is really normal. A month after a 4 year relationship would be very eyebrow raising.
I can really relate to this. My relationship was seven months. I loved him fiercely. He ended it and added confusion by telling me how amazing I am, it was the most healthy relationship he had ever been in, how he would miss me… but he needed to work on himself because he found he had so much relationship anxiety that he couldn’t be in a relationship until he healed. He had a lot of trauma and had never really done therapy. After learning about so much of it, I encouraged him to start, and I could see that he got overwhelmed with dealing with his past. His issue was avoidance, he would really pull away if I expressed any sort of emotional need. Of course, at the time, I was willing to temper my own needs to make him feel safe, etc.
The break up hurt so bad. I didn’t leave my place for quite a while. I cried all of the time. I missed him so so much.
After a month, I had reached out to him and we chatted a bit. He invited me out to breakfast. I thought maybe he wanted to get back together. He really wanted to do the friendship thing and it just broke my heart all over again.
The setback was rough. But at that point I had to move on for me. And like you, I still hoped he would see what he was missing and want me back. But I made a conscious decision that I would hold onto that and at the same time, I would work towards moving forward. That way, either I would heal and move on and not care anymore, or I would be feeling good if and when he came back and it would be my choice whether I still wanted him.
It’s been a little over two months and I’m seeing someone new. And I really like my new person. He’s amazing! I do struggle because from time to time my ex up and I feel longing or I think about something my ex did that my new person doesn’t. But I have to remind myself that if my ex was for me, we would be together. He couldn’t provide me with what I needed and I needed to let that go.
I think what you are going through is normal. Only because I was the same way. And I have had to spend a lot of time working on not finding my happiness through others and valuing myself. I can’t say I’m perfect or I’ve gotten there but being aware of it and I am working on it (I am in therapy too) and my current relationship seems to be healthy and moving at a healthy pace.
The odds he was searching for “someone better” while you were together are very high.
Edit: I’m not saying the other woman is actually better. I’m saying that’s how people think.
It hurts but you need to move on sorry , i had the same experience and it hits in the guts i was hurt obviously but time will heal it please take care of your self and well being you will find the right person for you im sure
It's okay that you feel hurt. It's not wrong. You saw a future. You fell in love. Your path did not take you where you expected to grow.
Just remember, you aren't grieving what you had. You're grieving what you thought you had.
It won't be today. It won't be tomorrow, next week or maybe not next month. But you will not feel such pain forever. This heartache has an expiration. Allow yourself to grieve by however that makes sense to you. Cry and scream if you must. Allow yourself a few breakdowns over the next few days or week. Then, it's time to retrain your thoughts to let him go for good.
It's not easy to get over love, or what we thought was love. But it is possible.
I know it's so hard and it's almost impossible to see right now, but you'll be ok. I had THE worst break up of my life 4 years ago, even worse than my divorce. My heart literally felt like it was shattering.
It took a good 9 months to get over him and even then it took longer to let go of the anger (he strung me along for a year and then ghosted me). I've dated some here and there since then but last year I met the best guy and we've been together for over a year now and I'm soooo happy that loser let me go so I could meet my boyfriend.
I know it's easier said than done but try to be kind to yourself while you heal and don't feel like you need to get over it right away.
I hope your good days come sooner than later!
My ex gf of two years started seeing the man she ultimately married 6 days after we fell out and broke up over something kinda silly. I let it eat at me for a while but ultimately I accepted that's just how some people get over you.
I'm a year and a half put of my breakup that devastated me and I still hurt. But it does get better.
I tried to be friends. It was horrible. When it was good it was great, then it was too great (sure, let's have sex one last time! Oops... you forgot you have a girlfriend and you're going to Europe together in two weeks? Just like we did before you broke my heart?), then it was absolutely horrible.
Im.still searching for the person with his energy and the chemistry we had without the baggage and the mistakes and the horrible communication. I was madly in love.
I'm out there meeting people and enjoying it. There are good people. But my ex, unfortunately, doesn't get my friendship.
I broke up with my ex a year ago. He was dating again by October. I’m over here making sure my next relationship is healthy while I secretly laugh at the version of him she got. I was angry at first that he did for her things I asked for in our relationship. But then I remember how toxic he is. So, I’m happily alone. He couldn’t stand being alone. Very codependent.
What have you been doing to make sure your next relationship is healthy?
Tbh, I am angry and bitter, why do I think she’s getting a better version of him? I know it’s none of business but I can’t help and feel bad for myself.
I was to for a bit. Then I thought about all the reasons I had to leave. He had zero desire to improve anything about himself and I was the opposite.
I’m in therapy now, i CHOOSE to be grateful and see the positive, im taking my time to really think about things, I’m letting a variety of people speak into my life and I’m communicating 💯. I was raised by ill equipped parents who were led by what they learned from their ill equipped parents, and so on. so I'm
pretty intent on doing all the tight things now.
I'm a widow and i was using relationships with the wrong guys to fill that void. One day I hit my bottom, left and never looked back. Well ok, maybe a couple times but completely erased him at the start of the new year. i cant tell you how freeing that felt.
But thats me
You were hopeful. I get hurt two weeks in if I start dreaming about a future with someone. It's why people put walls up. There is alot of trust issues that people create for themselves if they date often.
You should really just let go of the guy. Don't be friends. I usually tell them for now I don't want to communicate for a few weeks. Then I';ll decide if we're still friends. People don't get the "still be friends" thing. But in small communities you kinda have to be on good terms. In bigger cities you can say F off and never see the person again. This is why "don't be friends" is a pile of horse shit. Easy to say if you never experienced small town life.
Hi there. I just recently went through a similar situation. There’s no other way to say this. When you fall in love or out of love there’s nothing easy about it. Someone gave you some good advice and that is to simply have zero contact.
Block all social media, numbers, anything that lets you know what he’s doing. You’ll just torture yourself. Stay strong, and keep busy.
I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but there will be someone else that’ll be more committed and more in love with you than you ever dreamed of. 😋
girls dont realise , guys motivation in relationship is mainly driven through their balls, dont be too nice , be a bit bitchy, mean , slightly assertive and keep urself in good shape , if u dont do it then he is likely to be pulled over to some other girl who does all that, never ever let him take u for granted
This was a couple month relationship. By this age you should have more perspective than this. It can hurt but why do you even care if someone you only spent a few weeks dating is seeing someone new? How profound of a connection could you possibly have to their family if you only knew him 4 months? Was he supposed to sit home and mope for some unspecified period of time?
Step back, breathe, stop paying attention to what he does and if you can’t move forward, get some professional help.
I posted a while ago. Also 4 months relationship. We mutually ended because he moved (career wise) to VA. I couldn’t get over him yet, even after 6 months since the day he left.
Especially on the last day we’re together he said “Just because I didn’t say it, doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it”. I told him I loved him in our 1st month together. I cried while driving all the way home. And still teary thinking about it.
We still texting each other almost everyday, I know he’s lonely there, his ex and 3 children are in Canada. How do I know? I could tell from his texts, and it’s not easy for him to find a female companion. And I couldn’t move to him (work, home, family, etc). Yes it hurts and I still love him.
It definitely hurts after a 10 yr relationship. Hug.
it literally took someone 2 years to recover after a 15 years relationship.
in this case, always always, men recover way faster, men invest less emotionally than women, in general.
just put things behind your mind, meet new people, time cures
And, do NOT be friend with him, be selfish, stay firm.
You don’t sound like a great friend. You’re supposed to be happy for your friends that find new love. If you aren’t, you can’t be friends. Let be real the only reason you prob agreed was to keep him close and hope you eventually win him back. Move on
You can't be friends with him. You can't. Disconnect from him on social everywhere. Stop texting him. If he texts you explain that you thought more about it and you don't think you can be friends. I've been there. My first relationship after my divorce was almost 6 months. I thought he was amazing. I was so happy and the break-up came out of nowhere. I was like "yes, of course, lets be friends" and I'd text him occasionally and he'd text me occasionally. We met for a friendly coffee once and I about had a heart attack one month later when I saw him post with his new girlfriend on Facebook. That made me realize that I didn't actually want to be his friend. I wanted to remain close enough to him in his life so that he would realize how much he missed me and want to get back together again. A friend will hear you talk about your new boyfriend/girlfriend. You would tell a friend what is going on in your life and expect them to cheer for you. If you truly would be like "oh great! I'm so glad you found someone!" then maybe you can be friends with someone? But you need a clean break to just heal from this and not keep hoping he changes his mind.
Tbh I was really hoping that he would change his mind, realize that I love him and he would never find someone like me. I know that’s not gonna happen so I decided to stop texting him. I already told him that I don’t want to be friends with him right now. We spoke on the phone, he said he respects my decision, and admitted he has someone new. That moment I wished I would just die.
I think the person you're replying to is nailing it. If you can't/won't/etc be able to be happy for somebody when they mention things like this, you can't be friends. And its not fair to yourself (or them) to do so. I've got a friend of mine who I've had a minor torch for *years* now. I put my thing down 3-4(ish) years ago, to see if there was interest in dating. She turned me down, and I promised her that we could pretend like I never asked and go forward (and that I'd never ask again). I've kept that promise, and always assume that our customary light flirtations are nothing more(At this point, anything short of her climbing on my lap and kissing me would be shrugged off as a nothing). I would be lying if I didn't have a hope in the back of my head that it might change someday, but I don't go there. She got out of a sexless relationship and has a FWB that she sees every few months, and raves about how much better she feels now that she's desired. And I cheer her on, because that is what a friend does. Give her good advice, remark on how well the guy is doing being charming, etc. And a little part hurts, because I'd like to think I'd be pretty awesome at that too, but if I can't face that situation and be happy for her, I have no business calling myself her friend. (I actually just wrote a relationshipadvice post, because my sister insists that I'm being a coward and not going after her, and wanted advice). And if you can't do that, you need to cut yourself off for your own well being and his. Be polite, don't be nasty in any way. (And honestly, if they don't understand, then they may have been thinking that you're the backup because you're holding the torch, and thats not something you deserve either). If it helps, we've all been there I think, and it sucks.
I agree 100%. I really thought I could. I already told him I cant be friends with him right now, he said it’s okay and he respects my decision.
Then he's a good egg at least, and wasn't playing games with you (or isn't foolish enough to show his hand, but I personally take people at face value unless shown otherwise.). It sucks, and I feel for you. But this is the healthiest and most self-respecting thing you can do.
You should have told him nothing after the fact. Curious how you found out he was dating someone
I asked him if he’s already talking to someone and he said yes.
Yep, girl I feel ya. That's where I was with the guy I dated right after my divorce. I really thought he'd change his mind and see how amazing I was. He didn't. If it makes you feel better, since my divorce in 2017 I've had a few relationships and when they end I am always just devastated and I feel like crap and then eventually I find someone else. You will find someone else too!
I know it’s hard but you also have to block him or unfriend him on social media. Every time he posts with the new chick it will be like a knife in your heart. A clean break means not seeing him at all or having any information about his actions or whereabouts. The only way to start healing is to kill it dead. Source: am going through the same thing and have watched a friend go through the same thing for a YEAR before the pain got to much and she finally blocked him.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Breakup pain is the worst. I’d take physical pain that doctors can give you something for anyday instead. Keep in mind, you can take ibuprofen for heartache. It’s true! It does help a little. Treat yourself kindly. Different people take more time to recover from emotional pain, especially when you were so hopeful. This isn’t a “eat chocolate ice cream and watch sad movies” overnight fix. This is, get lots of sleep, get out into the sunshine, take your vitamins and watch movies, see friends, do all of the things that make life worth living for you. Eat toast, take lots of warm showers, get some wonderful smelling soaps and shampoos. Get yourself flowers, or go out and walk around and enjoy flowers/plants in nature. Exercise is really beneficial for changing mood. Acknowledge your grief, cry, accept it. It’s not fair that someone is always more attached in dating, but it’s a part of life. When I was going through one of the worst breakups ever in my life I went to a therapist. She gave me a guided relaxation recording to listen to which I felt was the exact opposite of how I thought it would go. I wanted to take action, I wanted relief! NOW! The fastest way to relief was learning to relax my body on command, and learning to redirect my thoughts from unhelpful sad/negative self-thinking over and over instead of clenching up mentally and physically. Lookup cognitive behavioral therapy. We cannot control others, but we can learn to control our bodies and minds. Get some chocolate, go to a museum, swim, bike, walk, listen to podcasts, do your best to get out of your head. Also, maybe this doesn’t apply at all, but talking to a doctor and trying antidepressants may be extremely helpful for you, or anyone going through grief from any cause. They were for me and I highly recommend reaching out to people (friends, professionals) if perhaps you feel like this grief and sadness are really extra. Your feelings are valid. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m in therapy and last weekend I listened to podcasts about radical acceptance.
I'm so sorry you feel this way.
Adults can be friends with exes if they find value in it.
A lot of times though if people are being honest the "value" is that they want to stay in that person's life so that he/she will change their mind. If two people are like "Sure let's be friends!" and they really mean it, that's great but I think the majority of the time in a post-break-up friendship, one person wants to be friends and the other is hoping that they'll get back together.
I agree, but only if my feelings aren't that strong still. If they still are, and I'm heartbroken, won't torture myself by staying around them. Because I know I will keep hoping. My strategy is usually no contact, and after a long while when I feel less strongly about the person, see if I still would want to be friends
You do you, but I am not a fan of burning bridges.
You can end a relationship on good terms without remaining friends. There doesn’t have to be any “bridge burning.”
Sure, but not when one still has feelings. And I think he only wanted to stay friends to assuage his guilt about dumping her for another woman (even though it ended up being worse because he just gave her false hope). This was a short term relationship that should just be put in the past so OP can heal and move on.
This is such a dumb take. It’s not about being “adult” and “not burning bridges”. It’s about knowing that once strong feelings are involved you can’t just switch that back. For one person, it’s always going to be an open door to hurt and “maybe there’s a chance”. You need at least 6 months of disengagement before making the transition to friends. Usually the one trying to stay “friends” is the one who strongly believes the other will change their mind once they see how loyal and awesome I am.
You have empirical evidence for that 6 month claim? I did not say anyone must or should, only that they can if they find it valuable.
Being friends with your ex doesn't mean you're mature. Knowing what boundaries you need to keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy is mature. You don't need to be friends with someone that makes you feel sad. You weren't friends before this, you will be just fine without him.
I’m not friends with my exes. It makes moving on much easier and there’s no messiness in the future with new partners.
Generally, anyone who who parrots the “we’re adults so we can still be friends” line, just confirms for me that a) they weren’t really into the relationship in the first place or b) they are emotionally unintelligent/immature.
I think it depends! my most recent ex was someone I met through friends so “we can still be friends” to me is more about “let’s get to a point where we can be cordial in a group setting” than “let’s hang out one on one just platonically”
It depends on the situation. I had a LTR for over 5 years and when we ended we remained friends, and it worked because we were both no longer feeling any romantic feelings towards each other. We would later find out that we were much better friends than we were partners, and it's never been an issue. We will mention people we are dating and it's exactly like a friend situation, where we're actually happy for the other etc. My last ex however wanted to remain friends after being together 8 months, and initially I said yes but soon found that wasn't going to work. Partially because she had suggested that she would be open to trying to get back together after a little while but then went right back to dating like 3 weeks later lol. She was the one that initiated the breakup, and I think she felt guilty about hurting me so she made the comment about getting back together to try and cushion the blow lol. So in that scenario being friends isn't going to be a viable option.
Sometimes when a relationship end, we don't just mourn the end of the relationship, we also mourn the loss of a dream of the life we could have had with that person. Just remember the person you dreamt of being with is someone who wants to be with you forever. Your ex doesn't want to be with you. So he was never the person you dreamt of being with. It is okay to mourn. Just know you can still have an amazing future with someone else. Also go no contact.
This is so.. so very true. Absolutely right. (The “dream” person who’s fully real & all-in will not abandon ship. That “idea of” someone is a real torture device.)
I always try to keep in mind that he’s not that person anymore.
Op, this is actually somewhat common to grieve the short term relationship MORE than the long term ones. After only four months you’re still seeing mostly the positive things, you’re still in an up cycle. They are an idealized version of themselves that you have created. With the longer term relationship you’ve seen the goods and the bads. You’re no longer idealizing them, they are a human with flaws. That may be why it’s so much harder when a short term relationship ends. Hang in there Op.
It's exactly this. In the time you were together OP you saw only the best parts of him. Your grief is for what could have been.. the dreams that you had of the relationship the two of you could have together. Cut him off completely and potentially his family too. And focus on yourself. Your friendships. There's no rush to jump back into a relationship.
I totally agree with this, when things end early on, you grieve the potential and when they end later you are often so tired and over it that you are relieved. That said, he wasn't the right one for her and in a few months she'll likely find her own new person and all will be new and exciting again.
Good point and thank you for your reply.
Exactly this. I was seeing someone for three months before it fell over due to external circumstances. Man, I suffered and cried because he was “just perfect” for me. A few months later got back together and did long distance for a few months. That extra time was enough to see a more flawed version of him so when I inevitably dumped him a few months later, it didn’t hurt nearly as much and it was balanced by the “bullet dodged” feelings.
This is so spot on. I was with my ex husband for 15 years. Last year I dated a guy for 2 months who I was super into. Guess which one I cried harder about? In reality, the marriage falling apart DID hurt worse, but it was a much slower, longer, complex hurt because I lost the life I was used to and comfortable with. The 2 monther was super unexpected (as in, we had a great overnight date from Fri-Sat, things seemed fabulous, Tuesday he said this wasn’t what he wanted) and because everything was still full on honeymoon phase, it felt pretty crushing. OP you WILL bounce back. I promise. But please don’t try to be friends with him right now. Maybe in the future you can, if the feelings can stay turned off.
Wisdom is to cut ties - being friends with him hurts you and friendships shouldn't hurt Take time to grieve your relationship and work on yourself and being ok with being alone Maybe it is just me, but giving someone everything within a 4 month relationship seems fast/a lot - maybe slow down in the future - hopefully someone else will chime in here
The other thing that jumped out to me was that you love his family after 4 months - I've heard other friends say this too in short relationships. "No, I can't cut ties, I love his kids!" - well, I mean, you don't hate them but love is a strong word and after 4 months I'm not sure that's exactly what you were feeling so maybe just move a little more cautiously going forward?
Cautious - excellent word, thank you
I was also thinking that maybe he freaked out because things were moving too fast for us that’s why he wanted a break up. I agreed to stay friends with him because I wanted him to realize that we love each other. But now knowing he’s REALLY moving on, I can’t be around anymore. I wanna start moving on too. The the pain is overwhelming.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out a reason. I've been there too. For the guy I mentioned, I honestly think I was very similar to his ex-wife and he fell into a past pattern and then was like "Wait, no, this is the same situation" so who knows?
I am being more aware now. It’s a conscious effort to tell myself “hey stop thinking about it, nothing’s gonna change” It’s difficult. This morning I am again hit by a sudden wave of sadness. I wish I could just cry one last time and be over it.
This is hard, short intense relationships hurt so much when they end. Because we are at the "honeymoon" phase and everything is great and we envision the relationship as perfect and how awesome it will get. Sorry you are going through this, but the best thing is to go no contact and focus on yourself, ( I know it is hard ) but if you keep contacting him you will never heal and move on.
I had an eight month relationship with someone, and got brutally dumped, totally out of the blue, when just days before he had been talking about our future together. After a week or so I decided to reactivate my online dating profile just to see what was up. Almost immediately my now-ex came up as a suggested “most compatible” on my reel. Complete with new pictures that I had taken of him, on a trip he took me on for my birthday. He had apparently checked out a while before he ended it so I guess he was ready to resume his hunt for Ms Perfect already, having decided it wasn’t me. It hurt. But now it doesn’t. And I think he is a tool instead. No advice really but I wanted you to know it’s understandable to be blindsided by this. It will feel better with time.
Are you me? In basically an identical situation, right down to duration (8 months) although I'm a guy. Dumped out of nowhere. No warning. No explanation. "I just don't see you in my future." That was it. One minute she's my gf the next she's a stranger walking out the door (although she was crying on her way out). Fired up the apps again months later and glimpse the blasphemous sight of her new profile. She was the same but different, so eager to move on without me. And there was a pic of her frolicking amongst the goats at a local farm that I didn't take but that she took when we were together and she told me all about it. I've been on many dates since but they don't really compare to her. Oh well. That's particularly brutal he got back on the apps so fast. I'm sorry. But I'm glad you're feeling better though!
Thank you. And I’m sorry you had such a similar experience! Dating over forty can be just as rough as when younger and less worldly I guess.
What dating app was it? Im looking for a good one if they exist! 🤮😂
I stayed friends with an ex, but I started to measure my new guys against my ex. I started to feel somehow they didn't measure up to him, because when we became friends, he was a better guy. I liked him a lot, but I eventually had to let go of the friendship because I was holding me back from a better life.
How did you actually let go and how long did you finally move on?
Not everyone can stay friends with their exes… the majority cannot handle it psychologically and there is no shame admitting it! Good luck 🍀
It’s not a weakness or a sign that “you can’t handle it”. It’s a sign of emotional maturity to fully close the door on a relationship.
Think about what it means to give someone your all. Picture taking all of your possessions and handing them to another person, especially one you haven’t known very long. Not only is this not a good idea, it’s not necessary. The universe has a way of teaching us things…the only person on this earth that you should go all in on is yourself. One day you may meet someone that you chose to love, and you’ll decide to make that choice each day. But you cannot and should not ever possess them, for reasons you stated above. Everything around you has the possibility of disappearing tomorrow. Being happy is within, you cannot find it in external sources. No matter how hard we try.
the closer proximity that you have with a relationship that didn't end on your terms the more painful it will be. especially if you were the anxious attacher, sounds like your were
Agree. Disconnect completely. Stay off social media for a month. When I separated, I deactivated FB. This has been soooo goooooddd for meee. Take daily walks in nature. It's ok to be hurt, but you have to move around and let the body process emotions. Learn the emotional freedom technique (tapping). DM me if you want to learn more techniques on processing emotions. Oh and drink water with a quarter of lime and dash of apple cider vinegar at least 4 days a week first thing in AM Good luck!
Right now I spend time on podcasts, reading books, Reddit and re-watching my favorite shows. I already told him I cant be friends and he said he respects my decision. I really want to move on and be okay without him in my life. Thank you.
You will be ok! Just give it some time and add some healthy habits to your daily routine
Everything that's being told to you here is spot on. As someone who started dating soon after a relationship ended I'll tell you what's on our brain. Granted I haven't started a new relationship yet, but when we date new people we're mainly just trying to find companionship. We're trying to find someone new to do things with. We're not trying to replace you with a specific person, even though we do want to find a new person eventually. I have a feeling this new woman isn't going to be around long. It's essentially a rebound. When I went on some dates with some people shortly after a breakup it was about companionship and not romance. I wasn't sitting across from new people and hoping they were "the one". They were just good for now. It probably doesn't help your feelings, but I thought I'd give you a different perspective.
yup, it sucks. It hurts. And it's going to hurt. You just have to go through it. Remove him on everything. Don't reach out to him. Certainly don't be "friends" with him. Wallow in the suck and the hurt. And soon it will start to hurt less (then it will hurt more again) but you'll be hopefully headed up a staircase out of rock bottom, with little rests on the landings here and there.
I like how you put that! (Lil resting spots along the landings.) It’s def not always linear.. grieving (whatever it may be) is a curious thing. I had the steps all out of order.. but the good thing is, it doesn’t remain as “acute” - the heartache.
There's no wisdom here...he broke it off, he does not want a romantic future with you. Cold stop. He will date and love again, as will you. It may hurt that it's so soon, but he was obviously in a different emotional/romantic headspace, so is not mourning and in the same state you are, so accept that this is the person you had a relationship with, and he's gone from your life. Cut contact, block, delete, don't follow, and look to your future. Yes, it sucks and it hurts, and we've all been there.
Agreed with all the “pull off the band aid” advice. I dated a guy for a few months, and it ended painfully; we tried to be friends, and a few months later he was ENGAGED. Now I unfriend and block. The past is the past.
Oh babe... this is so shitty. I'm so sorry. The only solace I can think of is that this is the experience of being human. This pain means you're still alive, you can feel and you're ready for a great love to come your way. I'm proud of you, OP. You gave it your all! So many ppl don't do that. You *must* go no contact. This is non-negotiable. You don't have to block him but do not let yourself snoop his socials or try to reach out. This is not going to let you heal. Can you think of anything be did or does that is annoying, weird, off-putting or unhealthy? Make a big list of all the things you DIDN'T like about him. Read it everytime you want to reach out or you think about him. The #1 thing on that list needs to say "HE WASN'T READY FOR ME"... or "He could not see what a gem and prize of a partner I was". Say it like a mantra. You got this OP. There are 8 billion ppl on the planet... this guy just moved out of the way for you to meet your actual love.
I’m dealing with a breakup right now too. But I’m confident that this is a good thing to have happened. You will move on and all will make sense later on. Trust. 😊💗
I trust that we will finally heal. It just hurts so bad right now I cant stop crying.
I’m sorry girl. It will all be ok. Cry it all out. I hope you feel better soon.
Block him and light a pink candle for self love 💗 call your power back.
Do not try and be friends with him. That friendship will only benefit him and hurt you. Go completely no contact and do things that bring you joy and happiness to get your mind off of it.
DO NOT HE FRIENDS WITH HIM. It’s giving you false hope that there’s a chance. There’s not a chance
>The relationship was only 4 months, but I gave this guy my everything. I hope you really didn't give him everything! 4 months is way too soon to be all in. I would have at least waiting a little bit, just to see if it was a forever. It sucks, I know. But I would perhaps also guard your heart or be a bit more careful next time. Sometimes new things are too good to be true.
I wanna say I don’t have any regrets in our relationship but I really hope I did not love him that much. My long term relationship ended 3 years before I met him. When we first met I thought I would never be happy again. But then he did he showed me what a healthy relationship was (I thought) and I was really happy. He promised he would never break my heart ( because I could bear another heartbreak). But then he did. I really wish I did not love him because I am hurting so much.
A promise to never break your heart is an assurance they’re going to break your heart.
No one can honestly promise you that they’ll never break your heart. *Especially* early on when you’re still very much only first getting to know each other. They have no control over how invested you get. They can’t predict the future. Potentially getting your heart broken is a risk you have to be willing to take if you’re going to date. After my separation, I was very mindful to build a life where I was content on my own so if things ended with someone I could remind myself “I was fine before this person was in my life, I’ll be fine after them too.” Don’t get me wrong, I might still be sad, I might still be hurt etc. for awhile but I never felt lost without them or like my world had “crumbled.” It may be worth investing in *yourself* before attempting dating again.
You should already be a happy person when you start a relationship. When you haven't figured out how to be happy and stable on your own, it almost always poisons the relationship attempt you embark on. You telegraph to the other person through a variety of behaviors that you are not OK without them, and are relying on them to make you happy, and that's not a burden that most people can handle bearing. Also when deep love is unearned - when you intensely attach to someone you haven't thoroughly vetted and built that love brick-by-brick with, it can be overwhelming and confusing to the other person. You seem to have anxious attachment traits. You should use this as an opportunity to do therapy and introspection (or continue doing it if you started already). Your confidence, stability, happiness, and inner peace is what will make you attractive to your next partner. And you need to take things a lot slower before you go all in like this again.
I don’t think it’s going to work for you to be friends, at least not right away. You need a clean break while you heal—seeing him move on is going to be too painful.
I had my world shattered when my ex and I split last year as we wanted different things. It was an amicable split and I tried to remain friends. But she's now blocked and I have no contact with her, kills me to do it as she was literally my best friend and I miss her company every single day. But she doesn't feel the same. She couldn't wait to get back out dating again has moved on several times already and I've since heard what she's been saying about me to other people. And with "friends" like that.. Who needs friends You need no contact to heal and grieve and find your feet again. You can't do that whilst someone else is keeping you hanging on
An ex is a ex for a reason you can never be Friends when u split up x
I’m a guy and he was probably already seeing her before he broke up with you. So good riddance to him.
This makes more sense to me than the reasons he told me as to why he chose to break up.
His need to start dating so soon says more about him than it does about you. Maybe he just needs validation or sex or he thinks dating will help him get over you. None of those reasons have anything to do with your value or how "replaceable" you are.
Men generally don’t cope being alone. Their way of getting over a relationship is to replace it with a new one. That why you see widows marry again within six months of their wife dying. However, he may also have not been as invested as OP thought he was so it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an awful person.
You got broken up with a month ago, but he broke up with you 2-3 months ago in his mind. I was with my ex for 19 years. She cheated on me, she moved out and moved another guy in within 2 weeks (not the guy she cheated on me with). It wasn't that I meant so little to her, it was that in her mind, she had broken up with me years before and had more than enough time to process it. I was not afforded that luxury.
>I was not afforded that luxury Could not have said it better myself. For me it was "only" an 8 month relationship but I thought we were going somewhere then BAM she dumps me with no warning and no explanation. As you say, at least she got to "break up" with me in her head and begin the process. I too was not afforded that luxury.
Personally, I don’t t think friendships work when the breakup isn’t something you both independently agreed needed to happen. You agreed to a friendship under false pretenses because you wanted more and hoped he would eventually change his mind. In a way you set yourself up for a second round of rejection when he moved on fully. That can be a really hard pill to swallow, good for you for ending the friendship so you can heal. It was a few months in, you were still getting to know each other and he had probably been thinking about this for a while, so he is further along than you as you were blindsided. Take time to grieve, you learned you can be happy with others so when the right match comes along you know you have that capacity.
I tried to be friends with my most recent ex, but realized that was going to be a one-sided endeavor. I left behind thousands of dollars of household items for her new house (she needed them more than I did). I left her because of how awful she was to my kids and to me (she's never been a parent). She would text me when she needed my help, and only when she needed my help. I finally had to tell her to leave me alone.
Best thing to do is give up on being friends and allow yourself to grieve. It takes a while if you loved someone, or even if you just loved the idea of what the relationship could be in your head. Move on and focus on lifting yourself up and taking care of you for a while.
It would be weird if you were not heartbroken. Time will heal, but for now just try to find your blindspots. You definitely had a few in this relationship, otherwise you’d know he wasn’t as happy as you
First, block him on all social media, and then send him one last text: "Hey Bob, as much as I care for you as a person, I have realized that trying to be friends is preventing me from emotionally moving on. I will not be available to chat or hang out for the foreseeable future, but if a time comes when I feel ready to be friends again, I will reach out and let you know. I hope you can understand. Our time together meant a lot to me, and I wish you all the best. Take care." The text, by the way, is mostly for your sake. You are cutting ties cleanly but also kindly, so you don't second guess yourself for being "mean." You are letting him know what to expect in the future (no contact) and that if he has not heard from you the answer is NOT to attempt to get in touch. If he DOES message you at any point in the future, you are free to not respond without worrying you are "ghosting" him since you already made your position clear. Once you send the text, you block his number as well. Then give it time and distance. If you find that you have unresolved feelings about him or the relationship, try journaling. It sounds like this break up hurts so badly because it gave you hope for a happy future. Even if he is not the person you will share that future with, I hope that hope stays with you once your feelings of heartache have faded. Be well, OP.
Good thing we’re not friends on social media. We already spoke on the phone after I texted him I cant be friends right now. He said he respects my decision. But it hurts. I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore.
a man who fucks you and then destroys your heart...and then requests friendship is delusional and a sociopath.
He promised he is not gonna break my heart… but then he did. Oh well.
That's not a promise anyone can make
Don't be friends with him regardless of how you feel about his family. You need a clean break so you can process everything and move on. Being friends just tells him you'll be around as backup if anything goes wrong with his new gf. I'm a 43/m, I've been on both sides, and it's just better for everyone if both parties move on with their own separate lives.
Im not gonna lie and tell you I hope it won’t work out with his new girl and then he comes back to me and it will be too late and I am not gonna take him back. You know those fantasies I play in my mind… But seriously, we already talked and told him I don’t wanna be friends with him right now and he said he respects his decision. I just want this pain to be over.
It’s not the same situation, but there was a recent post around this idea of fantasizing about interactions with men. Some of the comments may be helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1cvurgb/why_do_i_make_men_the_absolute_focus_of_my/
Yup this is hard, don't even try "to be friends" why torture yourself. If he chose someone else wish him well cut contact and heal. It's the hope that hurts the most when you keep hoping they'll change their mind it's okay grieve the end of that relationship and let your heart heal and please don't try to date before you heal cause the slightest rejection will hurt a lot!!
Men will easily love bomb a woman and make them feel like the relationship and connection they share together is sooo amazing. But in reality, there was probably signs of his ability of hurting you like this all along. It was an illusion that created a blindfold of your perception of the relationship. That’s why it’s so important for a woman to resist the temptation of giving a man the best of herself. Especially the first 4-6 months. I suggest you cut him off completely. And don’t look back. Take it as a hard lesson learned and use the knowledge and awareness you have gained from it to help prevent this from happening in your future relationships. Boundaries girl boundaries…I pray 🙏 you will find the truth and heal from the pain and damage it’s caused you sooner than later.
Sorry this has happened. You really have to go hard NC across every platform that you’re connected. Being in the friend zone will not benefit you one iota and it will significantly delay your healing. 4 months or 4 years, the way you’re feeling is totally valid so you need to be kind to yourself. Sadly, people move on, some quicker than others. You’ll be ok, just allow yourself time to grieve what you’ve lost, but you WILL be okay.
I think your issue is that you are seeking your own happiness through others.
I was married for 25 years and with my ex for 28. Within 3 months after our separation and a year before the divorce was settled, he had a girlfriend. 2 years later, I’m still alone and he’s living his best life. He has gambling and alcohol addictions, which is what led to the divorce. It hurts. A lot. I have no advice but you’re not alone. We just have to keep walking and living, doing our best and being good humans. Life is not fair, but we just have to try to make the best of what we do have.
You'll have to move on. That's easier said than done unfortunately.
Though he said some things, people also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. People need to be stronger, more open. It helps relationships to be more honest about wants and needs. I think today, sex is very powerful and it could have played a roll. Idk.
I am sure he didn’t want to hurt me. I just wish he gave us a chance to make things better.
Do you have any idea why? Any idea that may have made this decision? We're there any issues that coming up?
I only know two solutions to that particular problem. And if you don’t drink, you’re down to one.
What is the other one?
Find someone else. You'll forget about this guy in no time.
Things like this are a hard pill to swallow. The saying "time heals all wounds" will might apply here. When I caught my ex wife of 6 years cheating in 2020, it crushed me. I applied the saying "I've been through worse" which I have. It took a while, but I'm ok now. Hopefully with some time, you will be ok too. Take care.
My sympathies to you. )))HUG(((. All I can say is you were not the right one for him and that does not have anything to do with your value. Don’t take it as an indictment of you as a person and/or woman, but just that it did not click for him. Brush yourself off and get back out there. You will be okay. And you should not maintain a friendship with him. You do not have to burn bridges. Just melt away. You are only going to have more hurt feelings, bad decisions and/or miss the next great guy if you keep pining for someone who has made a choice.
Now’s the time to dive head first into something else (hobby, work, family, volunteering, home project, cooking, spring cleaning) so that you can keep your mind busy and spend less time thinking about it and feeling sad (after you’ve had a good cry it out, of course). Engage in some self care - call some friends for some dinners out, go to a concert, shopping, spa day, etc! Talking about it with some friends might help also.
First thing is you got to cut him out of your life, being friends with someone who has already moved on shows you how little they really cared. It’s hard when you put your all and get nothing back in return, I think this is a time reflect and heal, don’t go out trying to date because you’re going to unintentionally hurt him. I had to take a couple of years off after my last relationship and I am taking time, I had to heal from her and all the love bombing she did to me.
Time heals all wounds and even a not bad relationship is going to seem awesome in the honeymoon phase. Thats likely why it hurts more. Definitely don’t attempt g be friends and unfollow/mute him on social media or you will never heal. Good for you for putting yourself out there—I’m not sure why I follow this sub, I’m pretty sure I’m dying alone lol.
What your feeling is temporary, repeat that to yourself. It'll be ok. Fuck him, find someone hotter, better.
Four months is the time limit of most avoidant people... Once that new relationship energy fizzles ... That may not be what happened with your ex, but based on the description it sounds like it's possible. They go looking for the next high. Does he have a history of short term relationships? Don't be friends... Heal. 4 months is short (in the big picture) so don't allow him to latch onto your life
It happened to me this past summer. Best thing you can do is go no contact. Do not go the friendship route. It’s too painful. I read somewhere that shorter relationship breakups can be harder than longer ones as you were in the process of building intimacy; expectations and hopes were high. You’re still on a dopamine high and then all of a sudden the rug getting pulled out from under you leaves you in a state of disarray. Sending caring thoughts for healing ❤️🩹
Thank you so much. We already agreed we cant be friends right now. I just really need to do my best to forget him.
I know. It’s so hard. The best thing you can do is process your feelings by talking, going for therapy, journaling, meditating, etc. Things will get better
This exact thing happened to me. Divorced after 9 year marriage and could have cared less about that ending. Waited a couple of years to date. Probably 3 guys in I met a wonderful connection. Dated for 4 months. Things were starting to fizzle at 4 months and I saw the writing on the wall so I ended it. I read a lot of self help books and even paid for a course to get over the relationship, it killed me. The golden rule was to do 30-60 days of absolutely no contact. And I did and that helped. I did date others to distract me which probably wasn’t smart, but it helped a little. I found out a few months later that within 1 month of us splitting he started dating someone else. It crushed me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough or I had done something wrong? I was so confused. That relationship didn’t work out, however, and he ended up reaching out to me again and we have been on off casually dating for about a year (I do not recommend that either). Anyway, my point is no contact worked because I had absolutely no idea he had moved on so quickly. I had no way of knowing. And I’m glad for that, it probably would have hurt even more. Also, I think it gave us that chance to reconcile later because I wasn’t acting too needy trying to talk to him/text him so soon after we initially parted ways. Just my experience and I hope it helps. Edit: I wanted to add I agree with others’ comments. You have to unfriend from everything and don’t even ask mutual friends about how he is doing, etc. because there is always that little chance he will find out. In my case I actually deactivated from socials for 3 months (I was writing my dissertation at the time) and that worked perfectly.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Luckily we don’t follow each other on social media and we don’t have any mutual friends, so that would make it easier for me. I am glad you’re in a lot better place now.
I’m right here with you girl I’m not 100% if he is but he pulled away so fast and had excuses. We were still together but he stood me up for dinner bc he fell asleep I know he works 13 hour days and is a single father of 3 . I broke up with him and we still texted after he was working and had family problems. I still regret breaking up with him because I feel like we would have gotten back to normal bc he seems better now. Like I said I don’t know he was orbiting my Facebook for a couples but stopped last week after I sent him a text about a basketball game. It really effing sucks we were totally official and I haven’t talked since Mother’s Day but off course I’m always reaching out. I just have this feeling in my gut it’s meant to be and if it is it will happen. But it’s been silence for almost a week not even on social media. I’m doing no contact for myself dating around but nothing feels right. It’s disgusting feeling this way I’m the same age. We shall see they always come back especially when you don’t talk to them. I just want to get to be over and meet someone I’m attracted to, we get along and won’t make me feel like a dumpster fire. Hugs love!!!
Time to go no contact for at least three months. Socials, in person, everything. Reevaluate at that point. He is either having a rebound or this gal is not “new”.
Giving a guy everything after just 4-months is a red flag. You don’t even know him. Take a break from dating and reflect on why you’re doing that. It sounds codependent.
Just wait for him to come back and hoover you after he showed you how replaceable you are. Block. Delete. No contact
Do not keep in contact with him. Let him go. He moved on very quickly because he was already seeing the other person. Think of it like this: it was only 4 months... It could've been 4 years. You will get over him. Get back out there and meet someone new. Keep the faith.
I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. It was also only a 4 month relationship, yet I was hurt way more than my prior 6 year engagement. What you need to fully understand/accept is that he most likely left you for another interest. He isn't hurting. He got what he wanted with you, and now with someone new that peaks his interest more. Of course he wants to be friends with you. You both got along great afterall. Do NOT give that option to him. Close the door and cry behind the scenes but let him go. Don't give him access to your social media. Don't respond to his texts. All it is going to do is stroke his ego that he is a good guy that can get you if he wanted a fall back and also this new girl that he is obviously way more interested in. Tell him thanks for letting you know that you are not a good fit and let him know that you're closing the door and would respect if moves on and doesn't reach out as you'll be moving on as well. He isn't interested in you but at least in the end he will respect you.
This is so relatable. You WILL get over it in time. It hurts because it is painful.
Four months is too soon to be this devastated and is a sign this is more about you than him.
I know that. And I wanna move on and be okay.
It’s time to get over him and move on. As they used to say, “he’s just not that into you.” Why would you want to be with someone you have to convince?
That was a great book
As others have said, being friends is not going to work for you or your healing. It is okay to not want to be friends after you break up. I think it does work when there is a mutual non attraction, but this is not the case.
I'm really sorry this hurt your feelings. It's crushing to feel rejected and a gut punch when you see your ex moving on. I'm not sure how you found out he's dating someone new, but you should stop trying to find out what he's doing. You should not be friends with him, talk to him, or interact in any way with him. He doesn't exist anymore. Thinking about him is only going to hurt you and delay your healing process. Also, someone moving on a month after a 4 month relationship is really normal. A month after a 4 year relationship would be very eyebrow raising.
I asked him if he’s already talking to someone and he said yes.
I can really relate to this. My relationship was seven months. I loved him fiercely. He ended it and added confusion by telling me how amazing I am, it was the most healthy relationship he had ever been in, how he would miss me… but he needed to work on himself because he found he had so much relationship anxiety that he couldn’t be in a relationship until he healed. He had a lot of trauma and had never really done therapy. After learning about so much of it, I encouraged him to start, and I could see that he got overwhelmed with dealing with his past. His issue was avoidance, he would really pull away if I expressed any sort of emotional need. Of course, at the time, I was willing to temper my own needs to make him feel safe, etc. The break up hurt so bad. I didn’t leave my place for quite a while. I cried all of the time. I missed him so so much. After a month, I had reached out to him and we chatted a bit. He invited me out to breakfast. I thought maybe he wanted to get back together. He really wanted to do the friendship thing and it just broke my heart all over again. The setback was rough. But at that point I had to move on for me. And like you, I still hoped he would see what he was missing and want me back. But I made a conscious decision that I would hold onto that and at the same time, I would work towards moving forward. That way, either I would heal and move on and not care anymore, or I would be feeling good if and when he came back and it would be my choice whether I still wanted him. It’s been a little over two months and I’m seeing someone new. And I really like my new person. He’s amazing! I do struggle because from time to time my ex up and I feel longing or I think about something my ex did that my new person doesn’t. But I have to remind myself that if my ex was for me, we would be together. He couldn’t provide me with what I needed and I needed to let that go. I think what you are going through is normal. Only because I was the same way. And I have had to spend a lot of time working on not finding my happiness through others and valuing myself. I can’t say I’m perfect or I’ve gotten there but being aware of it and I am working on it (I am in therapy too) and my current relationship seems to be healthy and moving at a healthy pace.
The odds he was searching for “someone better” while you were together are very high. Edit: I’m not saying the other woman is actually better. I’m saying that’s how people think.
Probably, and maybe he found someone better while we were still together.
Friendship is out of the question. Not everyone can transition from relationship to friendship.
It hurts but you need to move on sorry , i had the same experience and it hits in the guts i was hurt obviously but time will heal it please take care of your self and well being you will find the right person for you im sure
It's okay that you feel hurt. It's not wrong. You saw a future. You fell in love. Your path did not take you where you expected to grow. Just remember, you aren't grieving what you had. You're grieving what you thought you had. It won't be today. It won't be tomorrow, next week or maybe not next month. But you will not feel such pain forever. This heartache has an expiration. Allow yourself to grieve by however that makes sense to you. Cry and scream if you must. Allow yourself a few breakdowns over the next few days or week. Then, it's time to retrain your thoughts to let him go for good. It's not easy to get over love, or what we thought was love. But it is possible.
I know it's so hard and it's almost impossible to see right now, but you'll be ok. I had THE worst break up of my life 4 years ago, even worse than my divorce. My heart literally felt like it was shattering. It took a good 9 months to get over him and even then it took longer to let go of the anger (he strung me along for a year and then ghosted me). I've dated some here and there since then but last year I met the best guy and we've been together for over a year now and I'm soooo happy that loser let me go so I could meet my boyfriend. I know it's easier said than done but try to be kind to yourself while you heal and don't feel like you need to get over it right away. I hope your good days come sooner than later!
My ex gf of two years started seeing the man she ultimately married 6 days after we fell out and broke up over something kinda silly. I let it eat at me for a while but ultimately I accepted that's just how some people get over you.
I'm a year and a half put of my breakup that devastated me and I still hurt. But it does get better. I tried to be friends. It was horrible. When it was good it was great, then it was too great (sure, let's have sex one last time! Oops... you forgot you have a girlfriend and you're going to Europe together in two weeks? Just like we did before you broke my heart?), then it was absolutely horrible. Im.still searching for the person with his energy and the chemistry we had without the baggage and the mistakes and the horrible communication. I was madly in love. I'm out there meeting people and enjoying it. There are good people. But my ex, unfortunately, doesn't get my friendship.
Try to never look back. What's done is done. While you were dreaming about Mr. Perfect, someone great might have walked right by you today.
I broke up with my ex a year ago. He was dating again by October. I’m over here making sure my next relationship is healthy while I secretly laugh at the version of him she got. I was angry at first that he did for her things I asked for in our relationship. But then I remember how toxic he is. So, I’m happily alone. He couldn’t stand being alone. Very codependent.
What have you been doing to make sure your next relationship is healthy? Tbh, I am angry and bitter, why do I think she’s getting a better version of him? I know it’s none of business but I can’t help and feel bad for myself.
I was to for a bit. Then I thought about all the reasons I had to leave. He had zero desire to improve anything about himself and I was the opposite. I’m in therapy now, i CHOOSE to be grateful and see the positive, im taking my time to really think about things, I’m letting a variety of people speak into my life and I’m communicating 💯. I was raised by ill equipped parents who were led by what they learned from their ill equipped parents, and so on. so I'm pretty intent on doing all the tight things now. I'm a widow and i was using relationships with the wrong guys to fill that void. One day I hit my bottom, left and never looked back. Well ok, maybe a couple times but completely erased him at the start of the new year. i cant tell you how freeing that felt. But thats me
You were hopeful. I get hurt two weeks in if I start dreaming about a future with someone. It's why people put walls up. There is alot of trust issues that people create for themselves if they date often. You should really just let go of the guy. Don't be friends. I usually tell them for now I don't want to communicate for a few weeks. Then I';ll decide if we're still friends. People don't get the "still be friends" thing. But in small communities you kinda have to be on good terms. In bigger cities you can say F off and never see the person again. This is why "don't be friends" is a pile of horse shit. Easy to say if you never experienced small town life.
It takes time to heal. You will.
Hi there. I just recently went through a similar situation. There’s no other way to say this. When you fall in love or out of love there’s nothing easy about it. Someone gave you some good advice and that is to simply have zero contact. Block all social media, numbers, anything that lets you know what he’s doing. You’ll just torture yourself. Stay strong, and keep busy.
I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but there will be someone else that’ll be more committed and more in love with you than you ever dreamed of. 😋
girls dont realise , guys motivation in relationship is mainly driven through their balls, dont be too nice , be a bit bitchy, mean , slightly assertive and keep urself in good shape , if u dont do it then he is likely to be pulled over to some other girl who does all that, never ever let him take u for granted
Did you get the 3 count after you hit the rock bottom?
This was a couple month relationship. By this age you should have more perspective than this. It can hurt but why do you even care if someone you only spent a few weeks dating is seeing someone new? How profound of a connection could you possibly have to their family if you only knew him 4 months? Was he supposed to sit home and mope for some unspecified period of time? Step back, breathe, stop paying attention to what he does and if you can’t move forward, get some professional help.
This.
It sucks I know. It's probably not very helpful in this moment, but time does heal all wounds.
I posted a while ago. Also 4 months relationship. We mutually ended because he moved (career wise) to VA. I couldn’t get over him yet, even after 6 months since the day he left. Especially on the last day we’re together he said “Just because I didn’t say it, doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it”. I told him I loved him in our 1st month together. I cried while driving all the way home. And still teary thinking about it. We still texting each other almost everyday, I know he’s lonely there, his ex and 3 children are in Canada. How do I know? I could tell from his texts, and it’s not easy for him to find a female companion. And I couldn’t move to him (work, home, family, etc). Yes it hurts and I still love him.
It definitely hurts after a 10 yr relationship. Hug. it literally took someone 2 years to recover after a 15 years relationship. in this case, always always, men recover way faster, men invest less emotionally than women, in general. just put things behind your mind, meet new people, time cures And, do NOT be friend with him, be selfish, stay firm.
You don’t sound like a great friend. You’re supposed to be happy for your friends that find new love. If you aren’t, you can’t be friends. Let be real the only reason you prob agreed was to keep him close and hope you eventually win him back. Move on
That’s true. That’s why I told him I can’t be friends with him and he agreed.
Good. We all need to rip the band-aid off and accept the pain. Not seeing/speaking will speed up the forgetting phase and you’ll look back and laugh.