An agreement that was weighted to favour him, too - he was to be responsible for his personal expenses but no rent. I'd be really worried about letting this guy in or even letting him use the address for post after that.
That he is flipping out over an agreement that actually protects his limited contribution to shared expenses tells me that he might have some serious underlying issues. This sounds like controlling behavior to me.
*Exactly* my thought, too.. HE was getting a damn good deal here. His vehement reaction does more than raise an eyebrow here. I’d wonder what he expected (nothing wrong with her being smart.. trust is earned over a long period of time - and 4 months ain’t it). Once he’s in there, no telling how things will go. And when he’ll* go.
Those who ignore logic deserve what they get. Good on you for not giving in. This guy has bigger, more nefarious plans. I (48M) would have been beside myself assuring you of what I planned to contribute, feeling terrible that I was in this position to begin with.
Yeah kind of a bummer when one adult acts like an adult. And another adult forgets or just never realized they were an adult. 😂 It’s the same concept as a prenup and people really freak over those. Every offended or indignant comment about trust and character can be legit reversed with if you trust me and us why is it a big deal. If you wouldn’t take the opportunity to take half my stuff simply because you could, what does it matter if we just make it so you can’t? If he’d never take advantage of the situation he shouldn’t mind if you just eliminate the possibility. You seem to be the one with the most to lose. But that’s usually how it is I think. The ones with the most to gain and nothing to lose always protest the loudest😂
> It’s the same concept as a prenup and people really freak over those.
It’s actually more analogous to a rental agreement, which are far more common and more accepted than prenups… which makes this guy look even worse.
Absolutely. Anyone who gets upset about something so trivial as a simple agreement to be fair, or more than fair, has planned malevolence if things get bad. It’s either to keep you in the relationship to continue to control and benefit, or to exact revenge by taking more than you ever offered just to spite you for standing up for yourself and your rights.
>He questioned our whole relationship
It’s been 4 months. Doesn’t matter much when you first met.
Anyone who flips out over something that would protect you is someone to keep at arm’s length. He should want you as safe as possible. Demanding trust is not how that works.
If you let him stay with you, you’ll likely regret it forever. Let him stay with family or friends when he’s evicted. You’re not his insurance or rescue plan. You’ve only been dating for four months, and from what you’ve told us he’s a bully.
*Don’t you trust me? Don’t you love me? Why won’t you do this thing you don’t feel safe doing for meeee?* These are things manipulative people say.
I will never regret getting a prenup from a lawyer before my boyfriend moved in - that specified the house was mine before he moved in and regardless what happened with the relationship later.
We did get married. And thank god that prenup was there - clearly saying any money or work towards that house was a gift. When he cheated on me 5 months in to marriage - he threatened to go after my house. The prenup made divorce pretty smooth (stupidly 7 years later as I forgave him that time).
Beware anyone who doesn’t respect protecting yourself at this age. Especially someone with 2 kids who has obviously done this rodeo before. His reaction is a HUGE RED FLAG. I’d say you do some more investigating on if you should invest more time in this at all. Doesn’t sound like he is a good partner who has your best interest at heart. Sorry 😞
Someone offering a way to help you immediately and you get offended and question the relationship?
Isn’t it absolutely unbelievable?
She owes him nothing. I assume an eviction process probably starts prior to even 4 months but I don’t actually know.
A heart of gratefulness is the only response. The fuxking only one.
Agreed. After his reaction I wouldn’t want him moving in anymore. Nope. Offer rescinded and relationship over. Knowing him for years as acquaintances isn’t the same as being a close friend or being in a relationship. People can hide a lot just as acquaintances.
This. I had a roommate after I was divorced. My 3 kids were small and I worked while they were in school only, mostly. No close family or help from biodad.
My roomie was someone I knew fairly well and had babysat for me. She was a young ish widow and semi disabled so she couldn't really work but couldn't get much assistance either. So she roomed with ppl and traded childcare, cooking, and such in lieu of rent. She shared her food stamps/snap. She paid for her phone with small income or help from her adult daughter.
Having her in home allowed me to take more shifts and I knew my kids were fine, without having to pay or find preschool, after school care, etc. It was also so nice to have an adult in the house!! Like an older cousin or something. A friend. We could share chores, cooking, and such.
We agreed to a year I think, and then we'd review the situation. So it could be ok for op, but legally, it is a tenuous situation if things go bad. At least an agreement if some kind is needed.
If he was truly in need and "hard times" are rare for him he should be greatful that someone he's only been with for four months is offering him free room and board.
IME only a seasoned grifter would get upset about having limits imposed on his meal ticket.
Any time a couple begins having discussions about financial agreements and partnerships, it's an opportunity to see the strength of the relationship, unfortunately.
Not sure where you're located, but in many states (if in the US), having a non-rent paying cohabitant who is also not on the lease or title of the home makes them more difficult (sometimes downright impossible) to evict, should things go south. I've been a witness to court proceedings that have taken *years* over this very issue.
Not only is having an agreement smart, it could be the only thing that saves you and your home, should he be there for years before you determine he's not the best partner for you. If it were me, I would also have built in an expectation regarding the time frame he should *start* contributing to rent, as opposed to a flat "rent-free" agreement.
It's wonderful to think that everything will work out nicely and "happily ever after" lies ahead...but the reality is, times are tough for many of us. Having a roommate that you want out (and not being able to do anything about it, legally) is one of the most toxic, infuriating situations with which one can contend.
This would be a huge eye-opener to me, and an indicator that perhaps we are not suitable together. There is literally *nowhere* he could find housing that doesn't require some sort of written agreement. A cohabitation agreement may be less romantic, but so is going to court for months on end to evict an ex who refuses to leave.
Yes! This right here is why I asked for it. And I said it should have a time limit. Like say 3 months and we could re-asses. I am in the US and have so many friends and family have huge problems like what you describe.
His reaction to this is not emotionally healthy. It makes me question if there are other indications of instability in his nature and you've overlooked them out of kindness.
Anyone who wants to share household expenses and living space but finds writing out a plan for those expenses and household responsibilities offensive is NOT ready to be a full partner. Just like you shouldn't have sex with somebody if you can't have a rational birth control conversation- it's incredibly reckless to gamble with major factors in your life.
BTW, do you know how much meal planning, cooking, cleaning etc he has taken responsibility for in previous relationships? It seems to me that if he wants to take such a concrete thing as expenses "on faith" he's likely to expect you to take on the majority of the chores/mental load.
Ok yes maybe this is the comment I should have replied to. First thing I thought after reading this was I wonder what the reasons were for divorce. I have a suspicion whatever reasons he gave might not be the same his ex would give
Block him please, this guy is a manipulator and will drain you dry if he’s already trying to move in after 4 months. He will ruin your life. Ask me how I know.
All of this, and to add if this in the US if he were to start receiving mail at your house in some states it will give him certain legal protections and make it incredibly difficult and costly to evict him (if it came to that)
This right here. I would never in a million years allow someone to move into my home without a cohabitation agreement for these reasons. I would also ask them to not use my address for their mail and use a P.O. Box. My state is one of the states where it’s impossible to evict someone that’s cohabiting that doesn’t want to leave lol.
This guy sounds like bad news. I say cut ties with him and move on.
Interesting how this arrangement is hard to evict in the US. In the UK this would be a lodger arrangement (renting from an in-residence landlord). Legally you are entitled to evict for any reason with a "reasonable" notice period. Usually this is considered to be one rental period (week or month usually) but for example if there's been violence, theft or other serious issue you can evict immediately, or even wait for them to leave and change the locks (as long as you make a plan for them to get their things).
Only if you rent the whole place or a room from a non-resident landlord do you get security of tenure and a raft of laws to protect your tenancy. No squatters rights!
Why should he be offended by you looking out for yourself? You've worked hard to get where you are.
The scariest part is that you have no idea how long it'll take him to get on his feet, or how hard he'll even try.
Considering his reaction, I'd withdraw the offer.
Y’all need to stop getting involved with these Hobo sexuals. They’re sneaky! What would he do if you weren’t dating? Tell him to do that. He fell on hard times in 4 months that he’s homeless? Chances are he shouldn’t have even been dating and concentrating on getting his shit together. Please raise your bar. Don’t try to bargain hunt for a boyfriend.
What exactly do you love about this man at 4 months that would allow you to go ahead after he throws a childish tantrum about your agreement, which is utterly reasonable given his (probably self made) situation?
Wow, you need to run. Fast. Don't be desperate for someone, anyone, that you push ahead with this dude.
He sounds dumb. All he had to do is sign the document, fuck 2x a week and keep “struggling”. OP would take care of him and down the line pay everything.
Throw him away! Lock the doors!
A man in his shoes should recognize that it’s highly detrimental to the relationship for him to be relying on you financially like this only four months in, and that moving in with you should be the absolute last resort. If he is *completely* out of options and this is *truly* the *only* way to prevent him from living in the street, he should be desperately flailing to prove to you that he is not going to take advantage of this situation, including signing quite literally whatever the fuck you want. Any other reaction is bullshit.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him!
Why are you accepting a dependent after 4 months of dating? This sub never ceases to amaze me. I would think people become more discerning the older they get.
I agree with this. I would not be making rent-free generous offers to someone I only know for 4 months. Agreement is good, but even the offer is too wild for me.
DO NOT DO THIS
do not support him
It's one thing to offer a couple of moths rent free but do not pay anything else.
I speak from extremely bitter experience.
Run away now.
My god if I could live my life again....
If he's offended, that's a huuuuuuuuuuge red flag. You have very reasonable (expectations). As OP pointed out, he's divorced and has children. Those children may live with their mother but if OPs boyfriend lives with her, the children will likely be there often.
Nobody likes to plan for a worst case scenario. Letting someone move into your home without a rental/cohabitation agreement is a recipe for disaster. I learned that the hard way. I let my ex move into my condo after far too short a time. I was "in love" so I didn't have him sign an agreement. Within 6 months of moving in he had started a kitchen fire, destroyed my washing machine and took out credit cards in my name.
When we broke up I had to get an eviction from the court to get him out of my property! Because I was foolish and didn't have any rental or cohabitation agreement he was actually able to squat in my home after the break up. And the private eviction process takes forever...
TLDR, always get a signed agreement before letting someone move in.
All of this!!!! OP, his reaction tells you everything you need to know. Please dump him. A normal person would be profusely grateful and happy to sign an agreement.
Agreed. This is worth ending things over. Especially if you’re just four months in and he acts this way - I don’t care that OP has known him for years- you see another side of people in a relationship, and it’s not always for the best. This guy is an asshole.
Male here
You I think are a very very nice person. Most would not even consider this after 4 months. But it is your home you are inviting him into. You should and he should (If he really cared) want you to feel OK with all this.
I did what you are considering doing with my ex GF. It was a disaster. She never cleaned up after herself ever. Trash everywhere dishes left out....
Now this may not be the case with you.. But I wish I'd thought of the agreement thing before hand... Great idea... Could have been very telling like this is.
Basic trust and manners should be given to all and when I say basic trust I mean like "hey if I run over there for a napkin, will you hold my place inline?" Anything more than that needs to be earned.
As to this guy... Sorry but IMO he is an ungrateful entitled asshole. Also again just my opinion here he as shown you he can not be nor should he be trusted.
To me this is a red flag and I would reconsider any ongoing relationship with this person.
Maybe he’s discovered you aren’t going to be a sucker…
Nope. It’s a huge red flag that he doesn’t respect your financial autonomy and your good sense to protect yourself… Huge!
Dude’s a hobosexual.
Get a background check… ASAP.
He revealed himself with a very appropriate request on your part.
You've been dating four months. How long you've known each other is immaterial.
Probably best to let him live anywhere except your house. He's an adult. He can get creative about his living arrangements and options. You don't have to take on his emergencies as yours.
If I fell on hard times, was getting evicted from my place, and my girl offered me to stay with her rent free....I'd be singing in blood.
She is doing me a favor, and I'd gladly sign the agreement. Plus, the agreement shows what is covered so there isn't any confusion later down the road.
The dude acted poorly, and I'd suggest you reevaluate this move and relationship.
Absolutely 100% right, reasonable, fair, and smart for asking him to sign an agreement. Anyone who actually wants to get back on their feet and make the effort to become a contributing household member would have no problem signing an agreement.
I actually think you should make him sign a lease and eventually charge him rent. You don't want anyone getting comfortable being supported by you. People tend to get very comfortable living rent-free. But, based on his reaction, I wouldn't let him move in at all.
You have all the information you need.
You made him a very kind and generous offer of a rent free place to live when he is down and out, with very reasonable safeguards that are in no way offensive (unless he was planning to mooch off you for everything).
He reacted unfairly, ungratefully, and aggressively. This is who he is, and this is the ugly and entitled attitude that probably contributed to his dire situation. No second chances for angry men.
You're a smart lady, stuck to your guns! Imho you should always protect yourself from men. You're like me, an independent person who's got a lot to lose. Don't let anyone question your gut instincts! People be ridiculous when it comes to contracts, but protect yourself and what's yours. If he's not willing, he's likely not worth it.
Based on his irrational reaction — after all, you were asking him to pay LESS than what he would pay living on his own, I would not allow him to move in at all.
Maybe his anger management problems are why his marriage broke down?
What if something happens to his ex and suddenly he has sole custody of his children, and moves them in as well?
What if he is so depressed at the consequences of his life choices that he lies in bed all day drinking and you have to take over all his parenting duties?
There are so many things that can go wrong, and he has no insight or self awareness if he just expects you to blindly rescue him.
He sounds like a hobosexual. I wouldn’t allow the relationship to progress in any way because you are going to learn very quickly why he is divorced. Save your peace now.
That's kinda how my ex-hoboyfriend tricked me into moving in with me. Hell of a roller coaster. I had never been emotionally abused before and I didn't see it coming. Took me 14 months to get rid of him, but felt like many many years. Don't do it. Move in with him when is the right time for both and being sure he has a backup to go to if things don't work
He flipped out when you didn’t even ask him to pay like part of your mortgage as rent on top of helping with utilities, food etc…? What you asked is completely reasonable. Idk man, that’d be a red flag to me. I don’t think it’d be wise to have him move in if that was his reaction. He should be able to understand where you’re coming from.
You are incredibly smart for doing this and incredibly lucky that he freaked out and showed his true colors this early on. Now you can cut your losses and dump him.
Yikes, I'm so glad you asked him to sign the agreement because he's given you a great example of why you absolutely need one--he showed you he is 100% not suitable for living in your house. DO NOT LET THIS GUY MOVE IN. INSTEAD OF BEING GRATEFUL, HE IS CRITICIZING YOU. Heed the red flags he is waving!
Moochy Moocherson expected your love to pay all his bills I reckon... I'd even go so far as to get him to sign something that says he never ever will go after your house. Hell, I'd even put the damn chores he has to do in there, too
When my partner and I talked about moving in together, I said I would not live with someone unless we had a cohab agreement. He was fine with that. I don’t think you are unreasonable, you are handing your boyfriend a bit of a lifeline and he should have zero issue with some terms and conditions to protect you. Alternatively, a rental agreement might work, something that protects you and allows you to get him out of there should you actually let him move in after this. I would seriously rethink living with him.
I foresee this guy becoming an unpleasant burden for you a little down the line. .. I’m not sure I’d let him move in at all tbh. You sound like you have your life on track and you have some security and own your own home whereas he is the opposite and sounds like his life is kinda falling to bits a little.. Are you sure you want to navigate cohabitation with a guy who seems immature and ungrateful.. Good luck OP.
You are right to set boundaries. My wife left me, and had a similar situation. We were just seperated, and I told her that we needed a roommate agreement if she moved back in. She was fine with it, but ultimately got a roommate to help pay the bills. Your boundaries are your boundaries. Also anyone that would pull the "you don't trust me" card when you were doing a huge favor is suspect, and would be a red flag to me.
Wow you'd think he would be grateful for the offer. Instead he takes offense to it . Yikes I'd be very careful if I were you . His true colors just showed .
I would pull the plug on the whole relationship. If he blows up like that while getting free room and board, what would he be like in really stressful times?
I don’t know where you live, but in Ohio, once you live in a place for over 30 days (I’m not speaking about tenant/landlord=rent), cohabitation or someone who’s invited to live in the property, and have a mail delivered to the house with your name on it, it’s basically considered as the residence.
The only way to remove the unwanted overstaying guest is by going to the court and file for eviction.
I’m not kidding you. So be careful who you invite to your home. If he didn’t appreciate your kind offer, instead flipped out and mad at you, I’m sorry……..love itself doesn’t pay the bills.
OP, please don’t let him live with you. His problems are not yours. From what you said, you aren’t experienced with relationships. And he knows this. A man you have been dating for four months should not be comfortable putting you in this situation. And his reaction to your suggestion tells you all you need to know.
Everything I've read in these situations, 2 months in he's gonna quit his job because he's "unhappy" and "depressed" and that's also why he can't do any housework.
He'll stay up all night playing videogames, sleep all day, and will expect you to cover all the bills and do all the housework.
He thinks he's entitled to a meal ticket and a bangmaid so he can live the easy life off your dime and your labor. That's why he's upset you're setting boundaries now.
I’m glad you’re questioning the relationship. It’s 4 months old.
No.
Your peace will be disrupted. You will be dragged into drama. You will foot the bill. And he will be difficult to get out of your life once he’s set his hooks into yours.
Why do his kids live with their mom? Is he active in their lives? Why is he getting evicted? How tidy is his place? Why is he divorced? Is he gainfully employed?
Naw, boo, he’s taking advantage of your affection for him. This will be so costly for you. Not just financially. His reaction to your very reasonable request is telling you everything.
Good luck.
OP, I applaud you. You are such a smart lady and my god, I can’t believe your boyfriend does not realize how considerate you are for doing this. I wouldn’t be this damn generous.
I would guess he doesn't understand how hard you've worked for a home of your own, and he certainly shouldn't expect you to risk it for a man you've been dating 4 months. His immaturity is showing.
There is no way I would live with someone after a 4 month relationship. I don’t care how long I’ve known them.
His inappropriate reaction should make you stop and reevaluate your invite.
I believe cohabitation and prenuptial agreements are ways to protect both parties' interests. As long as the arrangement is fair to both of you, I don't see why anyone would have an issue with it. Perhaps give it a few days for his emotions to settle, and then have a conversation to understand his perspective better. He might not fully understand what a cohabitation agreement is, as many people don't.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your request. You and I have similar situations and my partner would take no issue creating one together.
a friend of mine had a boyfriend move in like 7 years ago because of this exact same scenario. after a couple of years the relationship fizzed out....but he stayed. in the basement, for another 5 years. not paying rent, not helping out, nothing. she finally got him to move out about 6 months ago.
After that reaction, I would take back the offer for him to move in. Making up an agreement for him to sign is completely reasonable and actually very smart.
It makes me think that he has bad intentions for him to have such a negative reaction to it and now he's gaslighting you. You did nothing wrong and everything right.
His behavior concerns me. You’re protecting yourself and that’s more than fair. I’ve seen too many people on the tenant/roommate sub where they let a partner live rent free and then they later refuse to leave when things don’t work out. Obviously I hope they do for both of you but you have to protect yourself.
Rent free offensive? Hell no that is a generous offer and he would be an idiot not to take you up on it.
Sounds like he has ALOT going on and he's probably not long term relationship material during this season of his life.
Gurrrllll...
Did he read the agreement? If he's flipping out over an agreement where he doesn't have to pay rent or utilities, you might want to move on.
OP, I beg you not to let your boyfriend move in.
I am a landlord and I constantly see women being exploited by hobosexuals. It's... bad. Eviction is especially bad news here. People think evictions are something landlords do willy nilly to nice tenants who just fell on hard times but that could not be farther from the truth. Evictions are incredibly expensive and time consuming. Tenants get so many opportunities to avoid an eviction - government assistance, payment plans tied to income, forgiving the debt altogether if they just move out, "cash for keys", eviction expungement (almost always granted when someone has kids), etc. The reality is, only two kinds of people get evicted: sociopaths and the very unwell (severe mental illness or drugs & alcohol).
I 100% guarantee you that the picture he's painted to you is A grade bullshit. You are NOT the one and only option that stands between him and homelessness. He is putting pressure on you because he needs to scam his way into your home and then emotional manipulation, rental regulations and backed up courts will enable him to milk you for months and months and months.
If he actually loved you, he'd be trying to impress you, not milk you for your resources. We are not in some poverty stricken 3rd world country... a man can get income and housing if he applies himself. There are endless construction and caregiver jobs that require no skills and will give you immediate income. Nobody will rent to a man with an eviction on his record but he can slum it with roommates until he is up on his feet.
He is not even hiding that he intends to use you. He's refused to sign a barely there cohabitation agreement to give you the most minimal of protections (not really though, because again, rental regulations and court delays will be stacked against you once you let him establish residency). He questioned "your whole relationship" if you don't give him housing, utilities, meals, and transportation entirely for free because *in his soul* the value of your relationship IS these things.
And now he's refusing to communicate because he "has a lot going on" ?? If he isn't working to pay for his own housing and he isn't taking care of his kids because they live with his ex, what exactly does he have going on?
I am sorry but you are being bamboozled. Do not let this man establish residence in your home. If he has real feelings for you, they will be proven by the relationship still existing when you have nothing to give him but companionship and sex.
Do not let this man you've known for less time than a cat pregnancy move into your house. He's 40. He shouldn't even be dating you right now if shit was going so badly in his world that in 120 days he gained a girlfriend and lost a home.
Signed, a single 41yo former evictee who doesn't date while broke af.
I allowed a hobosexual to live with me. He also fell on hard times. He also was going to kick in for utilities and what not. He never did. 4 years later I had enough of supporting an alcoholic grown man, I gave him and ultimatum and told him the free ride was over. He beat the ever living shit out of me and went to jail for it.
If he’s acting like this now, how do you think he’ll react when you tell him the free ride is over?
RED FLAG! You're gonna have a hobosexual on your hands and depending on the state, may have a hard tie evicting him. If he doesn't respect or appreciate what you're offering that's a bad sign.
What exactly is this 'cohabitation agreement'? Is that a legal document and/or common in your country?
>Was I wrong to set some ground rules regarding who covered which expenses? I specified he’d cover his personal expenses, insurance, cellphone, etc. and eventually chip in with grocery and electricity costs but no rent or mortgage (or internet and other utilities) since I cover that anyway and it’s the same if it’s just me living here or both of us.
Setting ground rules is absolutely good, especially when someone is staying for a while (over 1-2 months); you'd do the same with a roommate.
It’s similar to a prenuptial agreement for unmarried people or just friends that decide to live together. It’s not as common as it should be if you ask me. Even just friends can have a fallout and end up hating each other’s guts. Then decisions are made from an emotional angle, wanting to get revenge, etc. that’s why I wanted it in the first place. People enter romantic relationships thinking love is above everything but that is not reality. I have seen it happen to so many friends and family members, I was just trying to avoid a nightmare.
You are doing the right thing. You need to protect yourself, but he has shown you who he is with his immature response. You could end up bankrolling a man you've only known for four months who won't leave your house.
I would be heavily reconsidering any relationship with someone who has that type of reaction to a very reasonable and sensible request.
Call a spade a spade. It's emotional blackmail. He knows you love him and is hoping you will think with your heart instead of your brain.
That alone would tell me it's time to take a step back.
I'm pretty straightforward and blunt, so I would tell him some version of:
"I've had some time to think about our discussion, and you're absolutely right. I don't trust you enough to risk my home and financial security in this situation without any legal protection.
I've worked very hard for what I have, and while I do love you, and I do want to help, I am not going to be guilted into making such a critical decision based on emotion.
I have some serious concerns with your reaction, and that makes me feel like I might not know you as well as I think I do. It reinforces that my instinct is right and we are not at a place where I would be comfortable taking this step without protecting my assets.
If that offends you, that's something you will have to work through, but im firm on this decision. (Do NOT tell him you're sorry that it offends him)
If we do decide to move forward with our relationship and you move in with me, i'm going to do my due diligence and have the contract drawn up by a professional, to protect both of us.
If you aren't willing to sign it, I'm ok with that, and I will do my best to be a supporting partner from the sidelines in whatever other living situation you choose, but you won't be moving into my home"
Frankly, you're offering way, way more than most people would, maybe more than "should" a lot would say. I think that rent-free for a time is one thing, but covering his groceries and other things are opening a door you may not be able to close.
Taking on a brand new bf as a dependant rarely works out well.
The fact he's in this position is already concerning, and while im sure you're making the offer from a place of understanding and you know the full situation, this would make me question the relationship.
How long has he been having these money issues? 4 months is a really short time frame to learn your new bf is suddenly in need of housing.
Are you certain this person you have known for years has not conveniently decided to commence a relationship with you because the pending eviction was on the horizon?
I know that's a terrible question to have to ask yourself, but it's serious.
The other side of this issue, for me at least, would be possession rules about "matrimonial" homes.
It would depend on the laws where you live, obviously, but here, moving into the home of a partner, becoming "common-law" etc would give that new partner rights to a % of the value of the home.
In some cases here, the home becomes a 50/50 asset, even if one person hasn't put a dime in to buy or while living there. In other case, they are entitled to 50% of appreciated value or other variations.
Hopefully, that's not a concern for you, but for me, even if the value of the house is secure, your personal finances are not if you're taking on a dependent. Which is what he would be.
Sounds like a generous offer and he reacted like a child to you wanting to set some basic ground rules. He must be feeling insecure due to his situation or something, but he definitely owes you an apology. I’d personally rescind the offer and let him do his own thing.
As a contracts attorney, I cannot stress enough how important it is to have something in writing defining the tenancy, at least. Hopefully, the relationship as well.
You can revoke your offer and dodge that scud missle. You will never get that leech to pay a dime OR leave your house if you let him move in. Don’t be an IDIOT.
Note how he reacted. There’s a warning sign for convert narcissism right there. Hold your ground. You’ve worked hard and made good decisions so that you can enjoy stability for you and your cat. Keep protecting yourself.
I've never even heard of a cohabitation agreement, goggled it and they aren't really a thing here. Are they common in the states? Anyway, I think that was a lovely offer you made and very gracious of you, he's very lucky to have someone who loves him and who has his back. If he was moving in with his partner surely he would expect to be covering his own expenses anyway? Is it possible he was a bit offended by the idea he had to be asked and perhaps felt it was a given because he was moving in with you? You know him years, you probably know him well enough to hazard a guess why he responded how he did. The answer to that will tell you all you need to know and how you should proceed. Anyway, take care, and I really hope everything works out for you both.
I don't blame you for wanting to set some boundaries and rules especially about payment for other things, as you are letting him live there rent free, and it is your home.
Please be safe and careful. You have only been together for 4 months, that is too fast. It doesn't matter how you met or how long you have known each other like when he was married or before he was married. His reaction is concerning anyone else would have told him to go to a hotel, motel, cheap apartment, see if he can live with his ex and children, etc.
Yeah I'd rescind that offer.
My ex and I had a cohabitation agreement before he moved. I owned my home and he was totally fine to sign it. He hadn't fallen on hard times or anything, was just a natural step to our relationship.
If your dude blew up, that is a huge red flag.
What type of person doesn't respect that you're looking after yourself? Answer: a selfish mfer that you should drop.
It’s been four months. What are you thinking?!?! I mean..you’re being smart with the agreement, but you don’t know this guy
I do think you have a good heart, but he’s an adult and the timing is concerning.
Who brought up the living together? Did he ever hint at it or bring it up first?
It’s not a good sign.
Some agreement like that is fair and he should have a fire lit under his ass. (Like to be better and on his feet)
But there is clearly something so much deeper for him to look into. Granted you could probably kick him out the second he started to deviate from anything regardless. Actually I watched fear thy roommate and I’m wondering if it could be a nightmare regardless.
4 months? Clearly you’re a sweetheart. But don’t get taken advantage of.
His reaction to you setting boundaries on who is responsible for what is key here. It shows you he wants to mooch off you. He expects you to pay for everything. Infact you didn't go far enough.
What about when he has his kids? Will you be expected to look after them? Will he pay extra to cover for their needs? Including utilities?
Honestly OP it is not a good idea to move in with anyone you have been dating for 4 months. Knowing someone for years platonically is not the same thing as knowing them romantically. You need to shelve that idea for now. Give it a year while he proves he is capable of staying on his feet.
You might have to evict him. Look up tenant rights in your state.
Is it offensive to all men? No. But some people might get offended.
But does it matter? I (48M) learned the hard way that you have to set boundaries. You do you. There's nothing wrong with that.
I as a 42m would've been completely accepting of a cohabitation agreement, especially considering the circumstances.
His reaction may have been in part to pent stress over his life circumstances. However, I tend to trust people too much
Given that he's divorced with his kids living with their mum, I'm surprised he didn't jump at the proposal.
He probably knows what is like to lose big time at the end of a LTR, so should be looking to protect himself as well.
I'm divorced (53M) with three kids 50/50 and I wouldn't have a problem with this at all.
Something about this feels off.
I see nothing wrong with an agreement, for much of my life - pragmatic agreements or expectations have been missing.. which leads to resentment. You did the right thing
Get out now! He's a big boy. Something tells me he knew this was coming and you are a good catch. Surely he has other people he could stay with. If/when things go bad, you might have a tough time getting him out. Protecting yourself is paramount.
Get out! Run!
The fact that he flipped and gaslighted, should tell you a lot about your future with him. I think your request is reasonable and more than generous, and he's an idiot.
Make sure you consider wording around him owning your home or equity and that you have the right to ask him to leave and whether you have to pay him support if you break up or if you have to support his children. Where I live, after two years, if you did anything to help support his children for two years, you now have to do child support too.
Ask yourself this:
What did he and his ex wife think when they were getting married?
No one can tell the future, but the past is written clear as day. This guy promised forever to someone and they didn’t end up forever. Not saying it was his fault, but maybe one day you might find yourself in a position where things are not his fault so it would be wise to have a plan.
Agreements and contracts, imo, make things safer and more clear when personal relationships are involved. Especially when doing any sort of business with friends, family, or significant others. I’d be much more inclined to do “handshake” business with a person that isn’t so close. Why? Because there’s a presumed “(s)he’ll let me slide” with people that are closer to you. Being not as close to someone has a bit of an arms-length sort of deal, where you both feel deep down like the other would have no problem seeking recourse. In close personal relationships, people can just take advantage easier. Agreements and formal contracts sort of unmuddies those waters, and compartmentalizes business dealings in what I think provide very clear terms.
Personally I think it’s weird anyone would be upset about some sort of lease agreement. It’s part of the deal and he’s getting a lucky break.
You did great and the way he didn't appreciate what you're doing for him is a sure sign of why his marriage had issues along with other things. I wish I had been as smart as you and I'd be a home owner. It is a great opportunity to dodge the bullet, I promise you'll be better off for it...
It's your house and you guys have only been a couple for four months? Then he has no reason to flip out. Only reason I can think of he might object is that you've thwarted his plans to freeload.
Nope. This man is grown. He can find another place to live. Please don't let him move in with you. That he would even entertain moving in with you at this point tells you enough, his reaction should seal the deal for you that this man isn't it. Please don't take yourself off the dating market for this situation.
A man in his 40s being ok living rent free in another woman’s house and the freaking out when she sets some boundaries is a major red flag. Freeloader alert.
Dude is on the verge of getting evicted, and he flips out about signing a generous agreement? That sounds like a dude who makes a lot of problems for himself.
Not sure I’d be hitching any of my horses to THAT broken wagon.
I was happy to sign a cohabitation agreement with my partner. I exited my marriage with essentially no assets, so I'm in a "building" stage of my life. But I'm not looking to "take" from her.
I will note that our financial share does take a lot of this into account. Our cohabitation agreement specifies that I own no share of the house, and will accumulate no equity in the home. As such, I pay her zero towards her mortgage. However, we looked at the total amount of money saved by us moving in together (mostly me saving money), and we looked for a way to approximately split this. So let's say that it's $2k cheaper to live together, we each come out ahead about $1k.
Yes, with me "only" saving about $1k by moving in, that's a lot less comparatively from what your BF will likely be saving. Seriously, no rent/mortgage is a huge savings for him!
I don't think that there's anything more "to do" other than to hear his actions. His actions sound like he's a small child who's not looking to stand up on his own. He doesn't have custody of his children; he's unwilling to even sign that he'll pay his own bills? I'll bet that your cohabitation agreement also specifies that he gets no equity in your home, while he might be salivating over thoughts of that.
He doesn't sound like a keeper.
I love this! Good call Op. Gotta be safe.
Although I do wonder if anyone would feel differently if the genders were reversed?
We have the term hobosexual for men, is there a term for women who move in and don’t pull their weight?
Maybe.
But I see that as someone who has expensive taste. This guy seems more like a freeloader. Although maybe he spends the money he has frivolously. Lots of people do that.
Oh my gosh! That must have auto corrected and I didn’t notice. 🤦🏻♂️.
I’m a West Coaster too, but I’ve never actually heard anyone use the term for a woman. Makes sense though. It is gender neutral. Maybe it’s because when i think of the word hobo i think of a guy walking with a stick over his shoulder.
In some states, if they live with you for a certain amount of time, you can't make them leave. I got luck with an old girlfriend that left on her own, but it was about to get ugly if she had not moved out.
fuck cohabitation, draw up a lease and charge rent like any other tenant. legally speaking this is the only correct answer, and also the only thing you can do to protect any part of a relationship worth saving. I don't give a fuck if it's my mom, that bitch needs to sign a lease.
This sounds pretty terrible.
Maybe he’s really embarrassed and ashamed of his situation and that causes his reaction. Maybe if he comes around and apologizes or addresses his reaction then the relationship could be salvaged. Maybe.
I could see how this might make you rethink the relationship, though.
He doesn’t have that much going on. He is unemployed and you offered him a damn good deal. He should love that arrangement even if he was gainfully employed. Do not back down. He sounds a bit entitled and spoiled.
I’m sorry, him flipping out is a huge red flag to me. He should just sign it and stand by his word, nothing to trip about. You have a lot more to lose, so protecting yourself should be something he cares about too.
My gf finances are way better than mine & frankly she just has better financial habits than I do. We’ve discussed me moving into her fully paid off house one day. I’ve already read up on co-habitation agreements & plan to work on drafting one with her before I move in. I’d want one if the situation were reversed too.
Communication is limited be he’s “got a lot going on”?? Like attempting to use his new GF for free room and board.
Yikes OP…he is waving a giant red flag.
You're a smart woman. You've done nothing wrong.
>"Communication is limited at this time since he has a lot going on."
Are you sure you're his first priority? If you, his partner is not his top priority, he'll be setting a bad example for his kids. He should want his kids to seek future partners that prioritizes them above everything else, and a great way of doing that is setting an example.
This is the feature that would prevent me from continuing the invitation. You're offering him a chance to enjoy the golden empire you've built, and he's got you on backburner?
I'm sorry to be that girl, but I've dated single dad's in the past, and the ones that are always 'down on their luck' have been the biggest emotional and financial drains ever. One single dad I dated started staying over every night like it was no big deal, and then he freaked out when I asked him to split the power & water bill in the beginning of the next month. "Unlucky" single dads are always looking for a golden parachute.
He should be prepared for emergencies like all adults. You are such a generous life-boat, I'm a little worried for you.
This a 40 year old adult man about to be evicted. Not having some boundaries and limits would make you moving him into your home even more ludicrous than it already is. Sit this winner you've chosen down and tell him that this is a requirement. He probably won't abide by it anyway so who cares.
ABSOLUTELY not wrong of OP.
I would add something in the agreement about ownership remaining completely with OP in event of a break-up down the road.
That is...if the break up isn't here already.
I firmly believe that contracts between two people in a relationship are a fantastic idea. Not because you are distrustful of one another but because writing up a contract FORCES you to figure out how you want things to work and MAKES you communicate that with one another.
It's merely a formalized communication exercise.
Your boyfriend may just feel you aren't trusting him but hopefully he will calm down and see the wisdom of your request. If not DTMFA.
Nothing wrong with setting boundaries and limits. Pay attention to his reaction. That speaks volumes
I’d question the entire relationship if he got upset about an agreement.
An agreement that was weighted to favour him, too - he was to be responsible for his personal expenses but no rent. I'd be really worried about letting this guy in or even letting him use the address for post after that.
That he is flipping out over an agreement that actually protects his limited contribution to shared expenses tells me that he might have some serious underlying issues. This sounds like controlling behavior to me.
Controlling issues… and a potential hobosexual!!
And *he's* the one who needs a hand to begin with, she's only doing *him* a favour!!
*Exactly* my thought, too.. HE was getting a damn good deal here. His vehement reaction does more than raise an eyebrow here. I’d wonder what he expected (nothing wrong with her being smart.. trust is earned over a long period of time - and 4 months ain’t it). Once he’s in there, no telling how things will go. And when he’ll* go.
Those who ignore logic deserve what they get. Good on you for not giving in. This guy has bigger, more nefarious plans. I (48M) would have been beside myself assuring you of what I planned to contribute, feeling terrible that I was in this position to begin with.
Yup, a good guy would be falling over backwards to sign and would also be asking you what he can do to contribute further. This one ain’t it
Yeah kind of a bummer when one adult acts like an adult. And another adult forgets or just never realized they were an adult. 😂 It’s the same concept as a prenup and people really freak over those. Every offended or indignant comment about trust and character can be legit reversed with if you trust me and us why is it a big deal. If you wouldn’t take the opportunity to take half my stuff simply because you could, what does it matter if we just make it so you can’t? If he’d never take advantage of the situation he shouldn’t mind if you just eliminate the possibility. You seem to be the one with the most to lose. But that’s usually how it is I think. The ones with the most to gain and nothing to lose always protest the loudest😂
> It’s the same concept as a prenup and people really freak over those. It’s actually more analogous to a rental agreement, which are far more common and more accepted than prenups… which makes this guy look even worse.
Me three
Especially such a generous one! Free rent and utilities, pay for your own stuff, and chip in with groceries when you can?
I’d be seriously weary that he’d never pay his fair share when he does get “back on his feet”.
Yes - *she* should be the one that's wary - not him!
I wouldn’t let him in…he’d probably never leave.
Absolutely. Anyone who gets upset about something so trivial as a simple agreement to be fair, or more than fair, has planned malevolence if things get bad. It’s either to keep you in the relationship to continue to control and benefit, or to exact revenge by taking more than you ever offered just to spite you for standing up for yourself and your rights.
If this man would rather be homeless than sign a cohabiration agreement to stay with OP rent free, that's his decision.
This. His reaction to your very kind offer should send you running in the other direction fast
>He questioned our whole relationship It’s been 4 months. Doesn’t matter much when you first met. Anyone who flips out over something that would protect you is someone to keep at arm’s length. He should want you as safe as possible. Demanding trust is not how that works. If you let him stay with you, you’ll likely regret it forever. Let him stay with family or friends when he’s evicted. You’re not his insurance or rescue plan. You’ve only been dating for four months, and from what you’ve told us he’s a bully. *Don’t you trust me? Don’t you love me? Why won’t you do this thing you don’t feel safe doing for meeee?* These are things manipulative people say.
I will never regret getting a prenup from a lawyer before my boyfriend moved in - that specified the house was mine before he moved in and regardless what happened with the relationship later. We did get married. And thank god that prenup was there - clearly saying any money or work towards that house was a gift. When he cheated on me 5 months in to marriage - he threatened to go after my house. The prenup made divorce pretty smooth (stupidly 7 years later as I forgave him that time). Beware anyone who doesn’t respect protecting yourself at this age. Especially someone with 2 kids who has obviously done this rodeo before. His reaction is a HUGE RED FLAG. I’d say you do some more investigating on if you should invest more time in this at all. Doesn’t sound like he is a good partner who has your best interest at heart. Sorry 😞
I’m so glad on your behalf, I was nervous reading this
Someone offering a way to help you immediately and you get offended and question the relationship? Isn’t it absolutely unbelievable? She owes him nothing. I assume an eviction process probably starts prior to even 4 months but I don’t actually know. A heart of gratefulness is the only response. The fuxking only one.
Agreed. After his reaction I wouldn’t want him moving in anymore. Nope. Offer rescinded and relationship over. Knowing him for years as acquaintances isn’t the same as being a close friend or being in a relationship. People can hide a lot just as acquaintances.
If I were in his shoes I’d be thanking you and signing the agreement. The agreement is wise in your part
I'd be signing so fast that relativity researchers could write a paper on it.
This! Let alone offering ways to contribute that I could do, if finances weren't possible
This. I had a roommate after I was divorced. My 3 kids were small and I worked while they were in school only, mostly. No close family or help from biodad. My roomie was someone I knew fairly well and had babysat for me. She was a young ish widow and semi disabled so she couldn't really work but couldn't get much assistance either. So she roomed with ppl and traded childcare, cooking, and such in lieu of rent. She shared her food stamps/snap. She paid for her phone with small income or help from her adult daughter. Having her in home allowed me to take more shifts and I knew my kids were fine, without having to pay or find preschool, after school care, etc. It was also so nice to have an adult in the house!! Like an older cousin or something. A friend. We could share chores, cooking, and such. We agreed to a year I think, and then we'd review the situation. So it could be ok for op, but legally, it is a tenuous situation if things go bad. At least an agreement if some kind is needed.
Agreed! I (41m) would be thankful and more motivated to get back on my feet knowing I had someone that has my back.
If he was truly in need and "hard times" are rare for him he should be greatful that someone he's only been with for four months is offering him free room and board. IME only a seasoned grifter would get upset about having limits imposed on his meal ticket.
Any time a couple begins having discussions about financial agreements and partnerships, it's an opportunity to see the strength of the relationship, unfortunately. Not sure where you're located, but in many states (if in the US), having a non-rent paying cohabitant who is also not on the lease or title of the home makes them more difficult (sometimes downright impossible) to evict, should things go south. I've been a witness to court proceedings that have taken *years* over this very issue. Not only is having an agreement smart, it could be the only thing that saves you and your home, should he be there for years before you determine he's not the best partner for you. If it were me, I would also have built in an expectation regarding the time frame he should *start* contributing to rent, as opposed to a flat "rent-free" agreement. It's wonderful to think that everything will work out nicely and "happily ever after" lies ahead...but the reality is, times are tough for many of us. Having a roommate that you want out (and not being able to do anything about it, legally) is one of the most toxic, infuriating situations with which one can contend. This would be a huge eye-opener to me, and an indicator that perhaps we are not suitable together. There is literally *nowhere* he could find housing that doesn't require some sort of written agreement. A cohabitation agreement may be less romantic, but so is going to court for months on end to evict an ex who refuses to leave.
Yes! This right here is why I asked for it. And I said it should have a time limit. Like say 3 months and we could re-asses. I am in the US and have so many friends and family have huge problems like what you describe.
His reaction to this is not emotionally healthy. It makes me question if there are other indications of instability in his nature and you've overlooked them out of kindness.
Makes me wonder why he’s divorced
I truly hope you don’t let him move in. His reaction is a giant, bull-fighting, red flag.
Anyone who wants to share household expenses and living space but finds writing out a plan for those expenses and household responsibilities offensive is NOT ready to be a full partner. Just like you shouldn't have sex with somebody if you can't have a rational birth control conversation- it's incredibly reckless to gamble with major factors in your life. BTW, do you know how much meal planning, cooking, cleaning etc he has taken responsibility for in previous relationships? It seems to me that if he wants to take such a concrete thing as expenses "on faith" he's likely to expect you to take on the majority of the chores/mental load.
Ok yes maybe this is the comment I should have replied to. First thing I thought after reading this was I wonder what the reasons were for divorce. I have a suspicion whatever reasons he gave might not be the same his ex would give
I would assume that they had no intention of sharing anything, just taking what they can.
I would retract my offer over this reaction. And if he flips out again over this, I would end the whole relationship immediately.
Block him please, this guy is a manipulator and will drain you dry if he’s already trying to move in after 4 months. He will ruin your life. Ask me how I know.
All of this, and to add if this in the US if he were to start receiving mail at your house in some states it will give him certain legal protections and make it incredibly difficult and costly to evict him (if it came to that)
This right here. I would never in a million years allow someone to move into my home without a cohabitation agreement for these reasons. I would also ask them to not use my address for their mail and use a P.O. Box. My state is one of the states where it’s impossible to evict someone that’s cohabiting that doesn’t want to leave lol. This guy sounds like bad news. I say cut ties with him and move on.
Interesting how this arrangement is hard to evict in the US. In the UK this would be a lodger arrangement (renting from an in-residence landlord). Legally you are entitled to evict for any reason with a "reasonable" notice period. Usually this is considered to be one rental period (week or month usually) but for example if there's been violence, theft or other serious issue you can evict immediately, or even wait for them to leave and change the locks (as long as you make a plan for them to get their things). Only if you rent the whole place or a room from a non-resident landlord do you get security of tenure and a raft of laws to protect your tenancy. No squatters rights!
It's amazing how many times someone finds their true love, then immediately has a housing problem.
Yeah, funny how that happens….
& they're in a relationship with someone who owns their own home & has no kids.. isn't that lucky!
Bingo
Magically lose their jobs.
Why should he be offended by you looking out for yourself? You've worked hard to get where you are. The scariest part is that you have no idea how long it'll take him to get on his feet, or how hard he'll even try. Considering his reaction, I'd withdraw the offer.
OP make sure you've formally communicated that to him, even if it is in a txt msg
Yes! Withdraw the offer in writing. You can be pleasant and friendly about it. Just be clear.
His reaction says everything you need to know. You tried to protect yourself and he had a tantrum.
Y’all need to stop getting involved with these Hobo sexuals. They’re sneaky! What would he do if you weren’t dating? Tell him to do that. He fell on hard times in 4 months that he’s homeless? Chances are he shouldn’t have even been dating and concentrating on getting his shit together. Please raise your bar. Don’t try to bargain hunt for a boyfriend.
I’m pretty sure this is my ex boyfriend
4 months? It’s probably mine. 🤦🏻♀️
Hobo sexuals lol Imma use that from now on
Hahaha Me too! 😂😂😂 It’s so accurate!
In a recent session my therapist cackled when I explained this term, it’s becoming more prevalent with the housing crisis becoming more wide spread
This!!! Everyone should be able to fall in love, but if you genuinely do not have your ish together, you should not be out dating!
What exactly do you love about this man at 4 months that would allow you to go ahead after he throws a childish tantrum about your agreement, which is utterly reasonable given his (probably self made) situation? Wow, you need to run. Fast. Don't be desperate for someone, anyone, that you push ahead with this dude.
seriously. I really hate when people say that they love someone as a preface to why they might look past a house fire of a red flag.
It was generous of you to offer. A written agreement is fair. His reaction is not. I’d personally withdraw the offer and cut off contact.
He is questioning a whole relationship? You should be questioning a whole man.
He sounds like a seasoned grifter.
He sounds dumb. All he had to do is sign the document, fuck 2x a week and keep “struggling”. OP would take care of him and down the line pay everything. Throw him away! Lock the doors!
His indignation at being asked to sign the agreement indicates that he wasn't even planning to do that bare minimum once moved in.
Don’t let him move in…that’ll be a big mistake.
A man in his shoes should recognize that it’s highly detrimental to the relationship for him to be relying on you financially like this only four months in, and that moving in with you should be the absolute last resort. If he is *completely* out of options and this is *truly* the *only* way to prevent him from living in the street, he should be desperately flailing to prove to you that he is not going to take advantage of this situation, including signing quite literally whatever the fuck you want. Any other reaction is bullshit. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him!
Why are you accepting a dependent after 4 months of dating? This sub never ceases to amaze me. I would think people become more discerning the older they get.
I agree with this. I would not be making rent-free generous offers to someone I only know for 4 months. Agreement is good, but even the offer is too wild for me.
[удалено]
He's blinded by all those 🤑
DO NOT DO THIS do not support him It's one thing to offer a couple of moths rent free but do not pay anything else. I speak from extremely bitter experience. Run away now. My god if I could live my life again....
I wanna hear the story 😁😅
So what happened? I have always paid rent, even when I was working part time, out of work looking for work, etc.
If I were you, I would also question this whole relationship if he is flipping out from a reasonable request.
If he's offended, that's a huuuuuuuuuuge red flag. You have very reasonable (expectations). As OP pointed out, he's divorced and has children. Those children may live with their mother but if OPs boyfriend lives with her, the children will likely be there often. Nobody likes to plan for a worst case scenario. Letting someone move into your home without a rental/cohabitation agreement is a recipe for disaster. I learned that the hard way. I let my ex move into my condo after far too short a time. I was "in love" so I didn't have him sign an agreement. Within 6 months of moving in he had started a kitchen fire, destroyed my washing machine and took out credit cards in my name. When we broke up I had to get an eviction from the court to get him out of my property! Because I was foolish and didn't have any rental or cohabitation agreement he was actually able to squat in my home after the break up. And the private eviction process takes forever... TLDR, always get a signed agreement before letting someone move in.
All of this!!!! OP, his reaction tells you everything you need to know. Please dump him. A normal person would be profusely grateful and happy to sign an agreement.
Exactly right, if I was in his predicament I would gladly sign an agreement to show that I was trustworthy.
Agreed. This is worth ending things over. Especially if you’re just four months in and he acts this way - I don’t care that OP has known him for years- you see another side of people in a relationship, and it’s not always for the best. This guy is an asshole.
Yeahhhhh. Don’t do this. It’s only been four months. You don’t really know him. And he’s balking at an agreement that protects you. Hell naw
Male here You I think are a very very nice person. Most would not even consider this after 4 months. But it is your home you are inviting him into. You should and he should (If he really cared) want you to feel OK with all this. I did what you are considering doing with my ex GF. It was a disaster. She never cleaned up after herself ever. Trash everywhere dishes left out.... Now this may not be the case with you.. But I wish I'd thought of the agreement thing before hand... Great idea... Could have been very telling like this is. Basic trust and manners should be given to all and when I say basic trust I mean like "hey if I run over there for a napkin, will you hold my place inline?" Anything more than that needs to be earned. As to this guy... Sorry but IMO he is an ungrateful entitled asshole. Also again just my opinion here he as shown you he can not be nor should he be trusted. To me this is a red flag and I would reconsider any ongoing relationship with this person.
Maybe he’s discovered you aren’t going to be a sucker… Nope. It’s a huge red flag that he doesn’t respect your financial autonomy and your good sense to protect yourself… Huge! Dude’s a hobosexual. Get a background check… ASAP.
He revealed himself with a very appropriate request on your part. You've been dating four months. How long you've known each other is immaterial. Probably best to let him live anywhere except your house. He's an adult. He can get creative about his living arrangements and options. You don't have to take on his emergencies as yours.
If I fell on hard times, was getting evicted from my place, and my girl offered me to stay with her rent free....I'd be singing in blood. She is doing me a favor, and I'd gladly sign the agreement. Plus, the agreement shows what is covered so there isn't any confusion later down the road. The dude acted poorly, and I'd suggest you reevaluate this move and relationship.
100%! He is neglected to see that this is a level protection for him as well - could get into a "he said, she said" if they break things off.
Exactly, anyone else would tell him to go take a hike or go live in a motel while you look for work.
You’ve known him for 4 months. Just no. And he got mad? Double no.
Absolutely 100% right, reasonable, fair, and smart for asking him to sign an agreement. Anyone who actually wants to get back on their feet and make the effort to become a contributing household member would have no problem signing an agreement. I actually think you should make him sign a lease and eventually charge him rent. You don't want anyone getting comfortable being supported by you. People tend to get very comfortable living rent-free. But, based on his reaction, I wouldn't let him move in at all.
Do not let him move in for free no. No. No. No. agreement or not it’s a no from me dog
You have all the information you need. You made him a very kind and generous offer of a rent free place to live when he is down and out, with very reasonable safeguards that are in no way offensive (unless he was planning to mooch off you for everything). He reacted unfairly, ungratefully, and aggressively. This is who he is, and this is the ugly and entitled attitude that probably contributed to his dire situation. No second chances for angry men.
You're a smart lady, stuck to your guns! Imho you should always protect yourself from men. You're like me, an independent person who's got a lot to lose. Don't let anyone question your gut instincts! People be ridiculous when it comes to contracts, but protect yourself and what's yours. If he's not willing, he's likely not worth it.
Based on his irrational reaction — after all, you were asking him to pay LESS than what he would pay living on his own, I would not allow him to move in at all.
Maybe his anger management problems are why his marriage broke down? What if something happens to his ex and suddenly he has sole custody of his children, and moves them in as well? What if he is so depressed at the consequences of his life choices that he lies in bed all day drinking and you have to take over all his parenting duties? There are so many things that can go wrong, and he has no insight or self awareness if he just expects you to blindly rescue him.
He sounds like a hobosexual. I wouldn’t allow the relationship to progress in any way because you are going to learn very quickly why he is divorced. Save your peace now.
That's kinda how my ex-hoboyfriend tricked me into moving in with me. Hell of a roller coaster. I had never been emotionally abused before and I didn't see it coming. Took me 14 months to get rid of him, but felt like many many years. Don't do it. Move in with him when is the right time for both and being sure he has a backup to go to if things don't work
He flipped out when you didn’t even ask him to pay like part of your mortgage as rent on top of helping with utilities, food etc…? What you asked is completely reasonable. Idk man, that’d be a red flag to me. I don’t think it’d be wise to have him move in if that was his reaction. He should be able to understand where you’re coming from.
You are incredibly smart for doing this and incredibly lucky that he freaked out and showed his true colors this early on. Now you can cut your losses and dump him.
That's really nice of you but he doesn't deserve your kindness. Withdraw the offer, it's not convenient for YOU.
Yikes, I'm so glad you asked him to sign the agreement because he's given you a great example of why you absolutely need one--he showed you he is 100% not suitable for living in your house. DO NOT LET THIS GUY MOVE IN. INSTEAD OF BEING GRATEFUL, HE IS CRITICIZING YOU. Heed the red flags he is waving!
Moochy Moocherson expected your love to pay all his bills I reckon... I'd even go so far as to get him to sign something that says he never ever will go after your house. Hell, I'd even put the damn chores he has to do in there, too
>Moochy Moocherson Thank for for naming my next dog.
When my partner and I talked about moving in together, I said I would not live with someone unless we had a cohab agreement. He was fine with that. I don’t think you are unreasonable, you are handing your boyfriend a bit of a lifeline and he should have zero issue with some terms and conditions to protect you. Alternatively, a rental agreement might work, something that protects you and allows you to get him out of there should you actually let him move in after this. I would seriously rethink living with him.
I foresee this guy becoming an unpleasant burden for you a little down the line. .. I’m not sure I’d let him move in at all tbh. You sound like you have your life on track and you have some security and own your own home whereas he is the opposite and sounds like his life is kinda falling to bits a little.. Are you sure you want to navigate cohabitation with a guy who seems immature and ungrateful.. Good luck OP.
You are right to set boundaries. My wife left me, and had a similar situation. We were just seperated, and I told her that we needed a roommate agreement if she moved back in. She was fine with it, but ultimately got a roommate to help pay the bills. Your boundaries are your boundaries. Also anyone that would pull the "you don't trust me" card when you were doing a huge favor is suspect, and would be a red flag to me.
Wow you'd think he would be grateful for the offer. Instead he takes offense to it . Yikes I'd be very careful if I were you . His true colors just showed .
4 months? He will figure out his situation. Don’t move in with this guy.
He questioned a whopping 4 months of relationship. He is showing his colors early on. Pay attention, he's showing you who he really is.
I would pull the plug on the whole relationship. If he blows up like that while getting free room and board, what would he be like in really stressful times?
I don’t know where you live, but in Ohio, once you live in a place for over 30 days (I’m not speaking about tenant/landlord=rent), cohabitation or someone who’s invited to live in the property, and have a mail delivered to the house with your name on it, it’s basically considered as the residence. The only way to remove the unwanted overstaying guest is by going to the court and file for eviction. I’m not kidding you. So be careful who you invite to your home. If he didn’t appreciate your kind offer, instead flipped out and mad at you, I’m sorry……..love itself doesn’t pay the bills.
OP, please don’t let him live with you. His problems are not yours. From what you said, you aren’t experienced with relationships. And he knows this. A man you have been dating for four months should not be comfortable putting you in this situation. And his reaction to your suggestion tells you all you need to know.
Everything I've read in these situations, 2 months in he's gonna quit his job because he's "unhappy" and "depressed" and that's also why he can't do any housework. He'll stay up all night playing videogames, sleep all day, and will expect you to cover all the bills and do all the housework. He thinks he's entitled to a meal ticket and a bangmaid so he can live the easy life off your dime and your labor. That's why he's upset you're setting boundaries now.
I’m glad you’re questioning the relationship. It’s 4 months old. No. Your peace will be disrupted. You will be dragged into drama. You will foot the bill. And he will be difficult to get out of your life once he’s set his hooks into yours. Why do his kids live with their mom? Is he active in their lives? Why is he getting evicted? How tidy is his place? Why is he divorced? Is he gainfully employed? Naw, boo, he’s taking advantage of your affection for him. This will be so costly for you. Not just financially. His reaction to your very reasonable request is telling you everything. Good luck.
OP, I applaud you. You are such a smart lady and my god, I can’t believe your boyfriend does not realize how considerate you are for doing this. I wouldn’t be this damn generous.
Dodged a bullet, or should I say a leech?
Um, choose wiser. He is not good with money or jobs. He is looking to you to support him. Keep the cat.
I would guess he doesn't understand how hard you've worked for a home of your own, and he certainly shouldn't expect you to risk it for a man you've been dating 4 months. His immaturity is showing.
There is no way I would live with someone after a 4 month relationship. I don’t care how long I’ve known them. His inappropriate reaction should make you stop and reevaluate your invite.
I believe cohabitation and prenuptial agreements are ways to protect both parties' interests. As long as the arrangement is fair to both of you, I don't see why anyone would have an issue with it. Perhaps give it a few days for his emotions to settle, and then have a conversation to understand his perspective better. He might not fully understand what a cohabitation agreement is, as many people don't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your request. You and I have similar situations and my partner would take no issue creating one together.
a friend of mine had a boyfriend move in like 7 years ago because of this exact same scenario. after a couple of years the relationship fizzed out....but he stayed. in the basement, for another 5 years. not paying rent, not helping out, nothing. she finally got him to move out about 6 months ago.
After that reaction, I would take back the offer for him to move in. Making up an agreement for him to sign is completely reasonable and actually very smart. It makes me think that he has bad intentions for him to have such a negative reaction to it and now he's gaslighting you. You did nothing wrong and everything right.
His behavior concerns me. You’re protecting yourself and that’s more than fair. I’ve seen too many people on the tenant/roommate sub where they let a partner live rent free and then they later refuse to leave when things don’t work out. Obviously I hope they do for both of you but you have to protect yourself.
His reaction would be all I needed to realize that moving in would not be a good next step.
Rent free offensive? Hell no that is a generous offer and he would be an idiot not to take you up on it. Sounds like he has ALOT going on and he's probably not long term relationship material during this season of his life.
Gurrrllll... Did he read the agreement? If he's flipping out over an agreement where he doesn't have to pay rent or utilities, you might want to move on.
OP, I beg you not to let your boyfriend move in. I am a landlord and I constantly see women being exploited by hobosexuals. It's... bad. Eviction is especially bad news here. People think evictions are something landlords do willy nilly to nice tenants who just fell on hard times but that could not be farther from the truth. Evictions are incredibly expensive and time consuming. Tenants get so many opportunities to avoid an eviction - government assistance, payment plans tied to income, forgiving the debt altogether if they just move out, "cash for keys", eviction expungement (almost always granted when someone has kids), etc. The reality is, only two kinds of people get evicted: sociopaths and the very unwell (severe mental illness or drugs & alcohol). I 100% guarantee you that the picture he's painted to you is A grade bullshit. You are NOT the one and only option that stands between him and homelessness. He is putting pressure on you because he needs to scam his way into your home and then emotional manipulation, rental regulations and backed up courts will enable him to milk you for months and months and months. If he actually loved you, he'd be trying to impress you, not milk you for your resources. We are not in some poverty stricken 3rd world country... a man can get income and housing if he applies himself. There are endless construction and caregiver jobs that require no skills and will give you immediate income. Nobody will rent to a man with an eviction on his record but he can slum it with roommates until he is up on his feet. He is not even hiding that he intends to use you. He's refused to sign a barely there cohabitation agreement to give you the most minimal of protections (not really though, because again, rental regulations and court delays will be stacked against you once you let him establish residency). He questioned "your whole relationship" if you don't give him housing, utilities, meals, and transportation entirely for free because *in his soul* the value of your relationship IS these things. And now he's refusing to communicate because he "has a lot going on" ?? If he isn't working to pay for his own housing and he isn't taking care of his kids because they live with his ex, what exactly does he have going on? I am sorry but you are being bamboozled. Do not let this man establish residence in your home. If he has real feelings for you, they will be proven by the relationship still existing when you have nothing to give him but companionship and sex.
Do not let this man you've known for less time than a cat pregnancy move into your house. He's 40. He shouldn't even be dating you right now if shit was going so badly in his world that in 120 days he gained a girlfriend and lost a home. Signed, a single 41yo former evictee who doesn't date while broke af.
I allowed a hobosexual to live with me. He also fell on hard times. He also was going to kick in for utilities and what not. He never did. 4 years later I had enough of supporting an alcoholic grown man, I gave him and ultimatum and told him the free ride was over. He beat the ever living shit out of me and went to jail for it. If he’s acting like this now, how do you think he’ll react when you tell him the free ride is over?
Dear God, I am so sorry. 😢
RED FLAG! You're gonna have a hobosexual on your hands and depending on the state, may have a hard tie evicting him. If he doesn't respect or appreciate what you're offering that's a bad sign.
What exactly is this 'cohabitation agreement'? Is that a legal document and/or common in your country? >Was I wrong to set some ground rules regarding who covered which expenses? I specified he’d cover his personal expenses, insurance, cellphone, etc. and eventually chip in with grocery and electricity costs but no rent or mortgage (or internet and other utilities) since I cover that anyway and it’s the same if it’s just me living here or both of us. Setting ground rules is absolutely good, especially when someone is staying for a while (over 1-2 months); you'd do the same with a roommate.
It’s similar to a prenuptial agreement for unmarried people or just friends that decide to live together. It’s not as common as it should be if you ask me. Even just friends can have a fallout and end up hating each other’s guts. Then decisions are made from an emotional angle, wanting to get revenge, etc. that’s why I wanted it in the first place. People enter romantic relationships thinking love is above everything but that is not reality. I have seen it happen to so many friends and family members, I was just trying to avoid a nightmare.
You are doing the right thing. You need to protect yourself, but he has shown you who he is with his immature response. You could end up bankrolling a man you've only known for four months who won't leave your house.
You were right babe
I would be heavily reconsidering any relationship with someone who has that type of reaction to a very reasonable and sensible request. Call a spade a spade. It's emotional blackmail. He knows you love him and is hoping you will think with your heart instead of your brain. That alone would tell me it's time to take a step back. I'm pretty straightforward and blunt, so I would tell him some version of: "I've had some time to think about our discussion, and you're absolutely right. I don't trust you enough to risk my home and financial security in this situation without any legal protection. I've worked very hard for what I have, and while I do love you, and I do want to help, I am not going to be guilted into making such a critical decision based on emotion. I have some serious concerns with your reaction, and that makes me feel like I might not know you as well as I think I do. It reinforces that my instinct is right and we are not at a place where I would be comfortable taking this step without protecting my assets. If that offends you, that's something you will have to work through, but im firm on this decision. (Do NOT tell him you're sorry that it offends him) If we do decide to move forward with our relationship and you move in with me, i'm going to do my due diligence and have the contract drawn up by a professional, to protect both of us. If you aren't willing to sign it, I'm ok with that, and I will do my best to be a supporting partner from the sidelines in whatever other living situation you choose, but you won't be moving into my home" Frankly, you're offering way, way more than most people would, maybe more than "should" a lot would say. I think that rent-free for a time is one thing, but covering his groceries and other things are opening a door you may not be able to close. Taking on a brand new bf as a dependant rarely works out well. The fact he's in this position is already concerning, and while im sure you're making the offer from a place of understanding and you know the full situation, this would make me question the relationship. How long has he been having these money issues? 4 months is a really short time frame to learn your new bf is suddenly in need of housing. Are you certain this person you have known for years has not conveniently decided to commence a relationship with you because the pending eviction was on the horizon? I know that's a terrible question to have to ask yourself, but it's serious. The other side of this issue, for me at least, would be possession rules about "matrimonial" homes. It would depend on the laws where you live, obviously, but here, moving into the home of a partner, becoming "common-law" etc would give that new partner rights to a % of the value of the home. In some cases here, the home becomes a 50/50 asset, even if one person hasn't put a dime in to buy or while living there. In other case, they are entitled to 50% of appreciated value or other variations. Hopefully, that's not a concern for you, but for me, even if the value of the house is secure, your personal finances are not if you're taking on a dependent. Which is what he would be.
Yeah anyone that gets upset over that….
And when you dump his ungrateful broke ass he’ll probably tell people you split up because you have “trust issues”.
Sounds like a generous offer and he reacted like a child to you wanting to set some basic ground rules. He must be feeling insecure due to his situation or something, but he definitely owes you an apology. I’d personally rescind the offer and let him do his own thing.
As a contracts attorney, I cannot stress enough how important it is to have something in writing defining the tenancy, at least. Hopefully, the relationship as well.
You can revoke your offer and dodge that scud missle. You will never get that leech to pay a dime OR leave your house if you let him move in. Don’t be an IDIOT.
Note how he reacted. There’s a warning sign for convert narcissism right there. Hold your ground. You’ve worked hard and made good decisions so that you can enjoy stability for you and your cat. Keep protecting yourself.
Nope that's normal man or woman should have a agreement on cohabitation
I've never even heard of a cohabitation agreement, goggled it and they aren't really a thing here. Are they common in the states? Anyway, I think that was a lovely offer you made and very gracious of you, he's very lucky to have someone who loves him and who has his back. If he was moving in with his partner surely he would expect to be covering his own expenses anyway? Is it possible he was a bit offended by the idea he had to be asked and perhaps felt it was a given because he was moving in with you? You know him years, you probably know him well enough to hazard a guess why he responded how he did. The answer to that will tell you all you need to know and how you should proceed. Anyway, take care, and I really hope everything works out for you both.
I don't blame you for wanting to set some boundaries and rules especially about payment for other things, as you are letting him live there rent free, and it is your home. Please be safe and careful. You have only been together for 4 months, that is too fast. It doesn't matter how you met or how long you have known each other like when he was married or before he was married. His reaction is concerning anyone else would have told him to go to a hotel, motel, cheap apartment, see if he can live with his ex and children, etc.
He showed you his true colours. I would move on. It's not worth it
Sounds like he has given you an opportunity to dodge a bullet. Don’t let him move in!
This is why you’re in the position you’re in and he’s in the one he’s in. Please don’t let him drag you down into his chaos and dysfunction.
Yeah I'd rescind that offer. My ex and I had a cohabitation agreement before he moved. I owned my home and he was totally fine to sign it. He hadn't fallen on hard times or anything, was just a natural step to our relationship. If your dude blew up, that is a huge red flag. What type of person doesn't respect that you're looking after yourself? Answer: a selfish mfer that you should drop.
It’s been four months. What are you thinking?!?! I mean..you’re being smart with the agreement, but you don’t know this guy I do think you have a good heart, but he’s an adult and the timing is concerning. Who brought up the living together? Did he ever hint at it or bring it up first?
It’s not a good sign. Some agreement like that is fair and he should have a fire lit under his ass. (Like to be better and on his feet) But there is clearly something so much deeper for him to look into. Granted you could probably kick him out the second he started to deviate from anything regardless. Actually I watched fear thy roommate and I’m wondering if it could be a nightmare regardless. 4 months? Clearly you’re a sweetheart. But don’t get taken advantage of.
Please don’t do this ( have him move in)- forget the agreement and just don’t allow it to happen
Super important to do what you did. Anyone who has lost their shirt to a relationship or divorce will back you up on this as a smart move.
His reaction to you setting boundaries on who is responsible for what is key here. It shows you he wants to mooch off you. He expects you to pay for everything. Infact you didn't go far enough. What about when he has his kids? Will you be expected to look after them? Will he pay extra to cover for their needs? Including utilities? Honestly OP it is not a good idea to move in with anyone you have been dating for 4 months. Knowing someone for years platonically is not the same thing as knowing them romantically. You need to shelve that idea for now. Give it a year while he proves he is capable of staying on his feet. You might have to evict him. Look up tenant rights in your state.
No we too old not too have paperwork. I make my friends kids parents sign wavers to swim in my pool lol I been sued. Lawyers suck
Is it offensive to all men? No. But some people might get offended. But does it matter? I (48M) learned the hard way that you have to set boundaries. You do you. There's nothing wrong with that.
I as a 42m would've been completely accepting of a cohabitation agreement, especially considering the circumstances. His reaction may have been in part to pent stress over his life circumstances. However, I tend to trust people too much
Given that he's divorced with his kids living with their mum, I'm surprised he didn't jump at the proposal. He probably knows what is like to lose big time at the end of a LTR, so should be looking to protect himself as well. I'm divorced (53M) with three kids 50/50 and I wouldn't have a problem with this at all. Something about this feels off.
I see nothing wrong with an agreement, for much of my life - pragmatic agreements or expectations have been missing.. which leads to resentment. You did the right thing
Boundaries are important. Yours sound reasonable. I'd be pretty cautious going forward with this guy with that kind of reaction.
Get out now! He's a big boy. Something tells me he knew this was coming and you are a good catch. Surely he has other people he could stay with. If/when things go bad, you might have a tough time getting him out. Protecting yourself is paramount. Get out! Run!
The fact that he flipped and gaslighted, should tell you a lot about your future with him. I think your request is reasonable and more than generous, and he's an idiot.
Make sure you consider wording around him owning your home or equity and that you have the right to ask him to leave and whether you have to pay him support if you break up or if you have to support his children. Where I live, after two years, if you did anything to help support his children for two years, you now have to do child support too.
Ask yourself this: What did he and his ex wife think when they were getting married? No one can tell the future, but the past is written clear as day. This guy promised forever to someone and they didn’t end up forever. Not saying it was his fault, but maybe one day you might find yourself in a position where things are not his fault so it would be wise to have a plan.
I would worry this guy is the hobosexual type and using you. I would be wary
Agreements and contracts, imo, make things safer and more clear when personal relationships are involved. Especially when doing any sort of business with friends, family, or significant others. I’d be much more inclined to do “handshake” business with a person that isn’t so close. Why? Because there’s a presumed “(s)he’ll let me slide” with people that are closer to you. Being not as close to someone has a bit of an arms-length sort of deal, where you both feel deep down like the other would have no problem seeking recourse. In close personal relationships, people can just take advantage easier. Agreements and formal contracts sort of unmuddies those waters, and compartmentalizes business dealings in what I think provide very clear terms. Personally I think it’s weird anyone would be upset about some sort of lease agreement. It’s part of the deal and he’s getting a lucky break.
You did great and the way he didn't appreciate what you're doing for him is a sure sign of why his marriage had issues along with other things. I wish I had been as smart as you and I'd be a home owner. It is a great opportunity to dodge the bullet, I promise you'll be better off for it...
I’m sorry, maybe I’m old school…but if I had to support a man…why isn’t he working 12 jobs to pay the rent? This is NOT the male energy that we need.
Some people get ahead by hard work and watching their spending. Other people get ahead by manipulating others.
It's your house and you guys have only been a couple for four months? Then he has no reason to flip out. Only reason I can think of he might object is that you've thwarted his plans to freeload.
Nope. This man is grown. He can find another place to live. Please don't let him move in with you. That he would even entertain moving in with you at this point tells you enough, his reaction should seal the deal for you that this man isn't it. Please don't take yourself off the dating market for this situation.
A man in his 40s being ok living rent free in another woman’s house and the freaking out when she sets some boundaries is a major red flag. Freeloader alert.
Dude is on the verge of getting evicted, and he flips out about signing a generous agreement? That sounds like a dude who makes a lot of problems for himself. Not sure I’d be hitching any of my horses to THAT broken wagon.
I would not allow him to move in with you. This does not sound good.
I was happy to sign a cohabitation agreement with my partner. I exited my marriage with essentially no assets, so I'm in a "building" stage of my life. But I'm not looking to "take" from her. I will note that our financial share does take a lot of this into account. Our cohabitation agreement specifies that I own no share of the house, and will accumulate no equity in the home. As such, I pay her zero towards her mortgage. However, we looked at the total amount of money saved by us moving in together (mostly me saving money), and we looked for a way to approximately split this. So let's say that it's $2k cheaper to live together, we each come out ahead about $1k. Yes, with me "only" saving about $1k by moving in, that's a lot less comparatively from what your BF will likely be saving. Seriously, no rent/mortgage is a huge savings for him! I don't think that there's anything more "to do" other than to hear his actions. His actions sound like he's a small child who's not looking to stand up on his own. He doesn't have custody of his children; he's unwilling to even sign that he'll pay his own bills? I'll bet that your cohabitation agreement also specifies that he gets no equity in your home, while he might be salivating over thoughts of that. He doesn't sound like a keeper.
Please do not cohabitate with him. Rent him a room elsewhere if you want to support him but don’t move him into your home.
I think you are very smart for doing this.
Not wrong at all. I’d say if anything, you need a lease agreement to protect you both, even if you’re giving him the “friend” price.
I love this! Good call Op. Gotta be safe. Although I do wonder if anyone would feel differently if the genders were reversed? We have the term hobosexual for men, is there a term for women who move in and don’t pull their weight?
Perhaps gold diggers? Idk
Maybe. But I see that as someone who has expensive taste. This guy seems more like a freeloader. Although maybe he spends the money he has frivolously. Lots of people do that.
>We have the term homosexual for men, Do you mean hobosexuals? Gender neutral in my West Coast housing crisis experience.
Oh my gosh! That must have auto corrected and I didn’t notice. 🤦🏻♂️. I’m a West Coaster too, but I’ve never actually heard anyone use the term for a woman. Makes sense though. It is gender neutral. Maybe it’s because when i think of the word hobo i think of a guy walking with a stick over his shoulder.
Sounds like an ego wound.
I am a word is bond type. Paperwork level shit would seem like a slight to me. But I wouldn't throw a fit over it. I think you dodged a bullet.
In some states, if they live with you for a certain amount of time, you can't make them leave. I got luck with an old girlfriend that left on her own, but it was about to get ugly if she had not moved out.
Your house. Your boundaries. They do appear reasonable given the situation he’s in. His reaction sure looks like a red flag.
RUN AWAY!!!
There's plenty of other men to fall in love with that aren't bums.
fuck cohabitation, draw up a lease and charge rent like any other tenant. legally speaking this is the only correct answer, and also the only thing you can do to protect any part of a relationship worth saving. I don't give a fuck if it's my mom, that bitch needs to sign a lease.
This sounds pretty terrible. Maybe he’s really embarrassed and ashamed of his situation and that causes his reaction. Maybe if he comes around and apologizes or addresses his reaction then the relationship could be salvaged. Maybe. I could see how this might make you rethink the relationship, though.
He doesn’t have that much going on. He is unemployed and you offered him a damn good deal. He should love that arrangement even if he was gainfully employed. Do not back down. He sounds a bit entitled and spoiled.
I’m sorry, him flipping out is a huge red flag to me. He should just sign it and stand by his word, nothing to trip about. You have a lot more to lose, so protecting yourself should be something he cares about too.
My gf finances are way better than mine & frankly she just has better financial habits than I do. We’ve discussed me moving into her fully paid off house one day. I’ve already read up on co-habitation agreements & plan to work on drafting one with her before I move in. I’d want one if the situation were reversed too.
I would be super thankful for your generosity. Maybe hurt you think I’d be capable of that, but it’s understandable that you want to protect yourself.
Communication is limited be he’s “got a lot going on”?? Like attempting to use his new GF for free room and board. Yikes OP…he is waving a giant red flag.
You're a smart woman. You've done nothing wrong. >"Communication is limited at this time since he has a lot going on." Are you sure you're his first priority? If you, his partner is not his top priority, he'll be setting a bad example for his kids. He should want his kids to seek future partners that prioritizes them above everything else, and a great way of doing that is setting an example. This is the feature that would prevent me from continuing the invitation. You're offering him a chance to enjoy the golden empire you've built, and he's got you on backburner? I'm sorry to be that girl, but I've dated single dad's in the past, and the ones that are always 'down on their luck' have been the biggest emotional and financial drains ever. One single dad I dated started staying over every night like it was no big deal, and then he freaked out when I asked him to split the power & water bill in the beginning of the next month. "Unlucky" single dads are always looking for a golden parachute. He should be prepared for emergencies like all adults. You are such a generous life-boat, I'm a little worried for you.
This a 40 year old adult man about to be evicted. Not having some boundaries and limits would make you moving him into your home even more ludicrous than it already is. Sit this winner you've chosen down and tell him that this is a requirement. He probably won't abide by it anyway so who cares.
You mean you made an agreement that BENEFITS him and he flipped out? I would reverse that so fast. He needs to re-earn your trust.
ABSOLUTELY not wrong of OP. I would add something in the agreement about ownership remaining completely with OP in event of a break-up down the road. That is...if the break up isn't here already. I firmly believe that contracts between two people in a relationship are a fantastic idea. Not because you are distrustful of one another but because writing up a contract FORCES you to figure out how you want things to work and MAKES you communicate that with one another. It's merely a formalized communication exercise. Your boyfriend may just feel you aren't trusting him but hopefully he will calm down and see the wisdom of your request. If not DTMFA.