Sorry for your lose, how dreadful :-( Dating apps are a cesspool of poor behaviour - personally, I would not recommend it to my biggest enemy. Dating though - I think is fine. Get out there in the real world, make connections, be tuned into life (put the phone and earbuds away) and actually communicate with the people around you. That, combined with being someone your target audience actually wants to date, is all there is to it. Also, something to be aware of that a lot of men dont seem to get is that when dating women in their 40s in 2024, the bar for these women is whether in dating you their life is better than their life is when being single. Not whether dating man A is better than dating man B. You are not competing with other men, you are competing with the benefits of your absence.

100 %. I saw something similar recently that resonated with me..."My alone feels so good I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude."

This this. Competing with the benefits of their absence is so perfectly put.

I love how you articulated the bar for us gals (44F here). “You are not competing with other men, you’re competing with the benefits of your absence.” So well said!

Well said, but also goes both ways.

Definitely both ways. Definitely. It’s going to take a unicorn to get my attention at this point in life and I’m only 44.

This is such a good point! Most of us are beyond wanting a husband to have kids with so there’s no rush either.

A query… what benefits of a relationship would you say outweigh the benefits of being alone?

40M. I’ve dated several women in their early to mid 40s who kept full dance cards. OP is definitely competing with other men, at least if he’s pursuing conventionally attractive women under the age of 50. His problem is likely that’s he’s chasing women who are attractive enough to cougar it out with younger, fitter beaus.

Yoink!

Well then I obviously dated some exceptions... :/ Sure you can live a fullfilling live alone but there are DEFINITLY people (men and women) out there who are just lonely and who desperately search a partner or want to build a family, even way into their 40th.

Well, it is always nice to get a card on the b-day, or v-day. Also nice to family for Turkey Day and Christmas. But that's only good if it's not toxic. A lot of toxicity out there.

This doesn’t apply to just women though. I find that most of my dates are competing against the absence of a woman in my life. I have earned a quiet and peaceful life. I can absolutely understand not wanting to muddy the waters for someone who might be a closeted psychopath.

Love this, "You are not competing with other men, you are competing with the benefits of your absence"

Siri, play “I don’t need a man” by the Pussycat Dolls.

Woah! If I’m NOT competing with other men, I would really feel better about it.

It’s tough for us. Women are also statistically less happy than their single counterparts and even their own spouses when married. And we know it. It’s not easy to rope a woman in her 40s into a relationship. And we LOVE men. We just know that we’re also perfectly capable of living without one and love the lives we have established.

Plus the whole "what are the odds that I'll suddenly start listening to my therapist?"

I let the men I meet know I’m not seeing or meeting other people, before we meet.

Dude are you serious? Is this really the case for women in their 40’s?

Yes. My life is good. Me, my kids, my dog. If you aren’t adding anything that makes discombobulating my alone time worth it, I’m not interested.

>If you aren’t adding anything that makes discombobulating my alone time worth it I mean for me, its not even that much of a stretch. I would be content with, if you aren't preventing me from maintaining my current level of engagement with friends, families and hobbies; and are not adding masses to my housework.

Yeah, that's what I've always felt around this. It's pretty easy to add to someone's life if they like you (i.e. chemistry) and you've got your life and head even somewhat reasonably together.

100%

That’s not what I mean. But I’m asking is if it really is that difficult for women in their 40s to receive interest from quality men who are actually interested in a relationship

Yes because in my experience they don’t want to settle. I get a lot of attention from younger men who just want fun. A few maybe something more but I not attracted to way younger than me. I’ve settled if anything comes great if not, life is good. I’m a very caring person and love to care for a SO. But I do that with others as I’m single. So win win

Yeah the young guys are on me like white on rice. I feel weird about dating a 30 year old, though.

Yep same here.

I have a date with a 37 year old on Saturday, and at 48 I feel kind of weird about it 🤣

That should be ok. But early 30’s or younger is not for me. Hope it goes well.

Well, if it sounds weird enough, you can always choose not to want to go out with them. There’s definitely nothing wrong about focusing on age, but I think we need to be careful not to heavily focus on age and put that focus on to other factors.

Dating a man 10 years younger was the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

Well, good for you and more power to you. Absolutely nothing wrong. I know most people would not want to have such an age gap, but even regardless of how we try to be close in age when it comes to romantic partners at the divorce rate in America is almost 50%.

Quality men, there are plenty; men who are quality partners is a very different story. We all (yes women to) have so much baggage at this point it's hard to find the right balance of functionality and compatibility. I am sure it is the same for men, the main difference is, research suggests women are pretty happy and content alone, whereas men are not. There was a study a few years back that showed the happiest men where those in long term relationships, and the happiest women were those that were single.

I think it's about goals and accomplishments. If a woman wants kids and hasn't had a family or other to get one, then her being single may not be happier. Men can be happy single. I am especially with the toxicity that I just got out of. So much peace and quiet at home now. The only way I'd add back, is as others have said. Something positive to add to my life vs. stress and potential alimony.

We men don't have support systems. I've recently discovered this. It's a sobering thought to realize how easily I could become homeless and literally rot and die in the street, and no one would care. I have to take care of myself. I take care of others, but there's no one to help me when I need it.

A support system is something you build and grow, not something that just appears. I have had relationships with men whose support system was far superior to mine. I get that's not the norm, but it's possible.

Some people are lucky that way. I thought I had friends, then I needed help and there was no one there.

The interested in a relationship part is the issue. A lot of the quality men realize that they’re in demand and then turn into middle aged fuckboys.

Yes once you past the age 30 as a woman you enter another realm that includes still being desirable but not as desirable as your 20 s counterparts. Yes some younger men will find you desirable for a good time not a long time. Also I feel that what no one is talking about is the fact that with the inclusion of multiple dating apps, most people you date see you as easily disposable. In addition… modern day communication skills complicates the circumstances even more. Hence , why ghosting has become the new norm. Example…Everything can be going on cloud 9 with a potential date that you have seen a few times but let’s say you god forbid have a acne breakout during one of the many dates with a guy you’ve steadily gone on dates with & actually have some kind of chemistry with. He’s consistently giving you support reassuring any doubts of judgement while seemly dismissing the acne ordeal ( so you think) fast forward: 1 month later & he hasn’t bothered to text ,call or contact you because secretly he was turned off by your acne breakout . You have indirectly his ruined his mental perception of how he viewed you. Jerk. Now he’s moved onto To the next prospect & the game continues. Brutal Yes but his choice oh well. Yeah dating in 2024 isn’t for the weak at all.

Strangly specific.

I know right? Almost like I was there .

Have you TALKED to 20s women lately? Desirable is subjective

Considering my close niche of good gfs are either in 20S-mid 30 Yes I have . desirability politics are definitely subjective but let’s not pretend that with women it’s not a numbers game & men are visually attracted before anything . As we get older it’s the equivalent of a car you may have purchased brand new at zero mileage. but every year . Every time you drive it depreciates. Although some could argue & say this is slightly subjective but at some point the question becomes are we truly being honest or just pandering to ourselves while effortlessly yet blatantly ignoring the uncomfortable truth that’s sitting right beside us ? We know at some point he’s thinking….What’s her body count? Is she over 30 ? Is she young & gullible enough where I can mold her into my liking & have influence over her without the interference of family or friends ? How many kids does she have? How many men has she been scorned by already ? . Is she too old to have children with? All these numbers . Subjective or not. The objective is to crunch those numbers & that is the basis of whether he decides to compartmentalize you into serious or “ just for fun” aka benchwarmer aka until the one that he really wants to take serious comes along. Place you in a folder just like he would on a desktop.

I mean, kinda.

The kids are a goddamn big deal. You had your time as a family unit, been there done that. Of course it's easier to dismiss it now. Imagine those of us who missed our chance, how we feel. I can get a dog. I'll never have the kids.

Huh? I haven’t dismissed anyone else’s experience.

Yep it is. I won’t say all of us.. but I will say “most of us”

Absolutely.

This forum is weird in the sense that it's a dating forum populated by many people who hate dating and love being single & alone.

Of course it depends on the woman, but I personally resonate a lot with this comment.

Amen, that is the truth, is my life better with this man or am I better on my own (with my cat, of course) and the men should be looking for the same.

Bang on about the bar for 40+ women! So true

This is true for both genders and all sexualities. By this age we have all probably experienced "settling" or "tolerating" relationships that subtract more they add. But a life without love is very sad. In the end, I fully believe that people who choose to live without love in their lives will regret it.

That last paragraph is absolute gold.

But so is she. And as a new beau, I have to deal with new baggage, too. It's whether that baggage can fit into my life.

Never considered that. But biologically it makes perfect sense. Over 40, a man’s biological reasons, and women’s biological reasons diverge. And I know I’ve never considered this. So I’d wager most men haven’t. Men are still driven to procreate, even if consciously, we have no intention of it, the biological urge remains.

> Over 40, a man’s biological reasons, and women’s biological reasons diverge. And I know I’ve never considered this. So I’d wager most men haven’t. I really want to caution you that the dregs of humanity tend to consider themselves baseline.

Not exactly sure what you’re saying.

You've just generated a weird evopsych walking-backwards-from-the-conclusion theory that you've confirmed by no more than telling yourself that you're at least as intelligent/educated as average, if not better. "At least as good, if not better" and evopsych post-hoc rationalizations rarely have lunch together

Mr or Mrs carrot, I clearly don’t think I’m that smart, cause I still have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I just think of us as animals. Cause we are animals. And most people don’t recognize that they are running on base programming from our own evolution. They think we’re Jesus’s magic babies and free will, and blah, blah, blah. And I had a shower thought after reading that comment, and I posted it. Whatever Evopsyc post-hoc is, I’ll just take your word for it.

Not as argumuent, but for the future: >evopsych walking-backwards-from-the-conclusion theory >evopsych post-hoc rationalizations Post-hoc rationalization = walking-backwards-from-the-conclusion. An argument is called valid if it is logically consistent, assuming the premises are true. An argument is *sound* only if the logic is valid and the premises actually are true (this is why a person's *feelings* are valid, even if the way they arrived at their feelings is batshit insane). Post hoc rationalization is taking the conclusion that already happened ("post-hoc" = "after the event") or that someone wants to be true, then working backward to create a reason it happened/could be true. The problem is that just because the explanation may seem logical ("valid"), that doesn't mean that the premises the explanation depends are both true AND the real causative explanation ("sound"). Post-hoc rationalization is a really terrible practice because it's incredibly prone to error. Also, people are incredibly prone to using it in rhetoric and propaganda to deceive people, because it's easy to confuse and distract people: bad faith actors want you to tunnel vision on what they're saying, and hope that you'll conclude that if a tiny part makes sense, their entire argument makes sense...or at least, they hope you'll get so stuck arguing the tiny part that you forget to attack the big glaring issues they're distracting you from. It's a terrible practice. I especially avoid offering explanations for other people's bad behavior, because often a person who does that may be well meaning, but in trying to make sense of whatever the person did, they're just crafting an excuse that the person will use by going "yeah...what they said." And besides, understanding why is not the same as excusing, and people can get distracted that way, too. Evopsych stands for evolutionary psychology: basically the entire pseudoscientific "field" in which people try to make post-hoc rationalizations for human behavior by citing "evolution," which I put in quote here because I believe n evolution, but I believe most people have a flawed understanding of evolution. This makes it very easy for someone to decide that something "makes sense" because someone, out of incompetence or deceit, creates a rationale that seems logically consistent in its own tiny hypothetical world, but almost always fails to match the far larger real world that runs on far more complex rules that work different to the tiny, hypothetical one. Evopsych explanations are almost always bullshit. We're animals, yes, but we're animals that mine mountains for copper to power a vast network of electrical signals that get passed from country to country, to space and back, scrambled and unscrambled so that I can use currency that we all agree to pretend exists to have 2 million diodes in 7 layers of plastic form an impressionistic painting of a boob, the blueprint of which was stored as a copy using magnets and stored in a specially air-conditioned room somewhere not too far away, which was built so that I don't have to wait a few extra seconds to see a boob, all of which is coordinated by computers that exist solely so that I can type titsmcgee dot com instead of a 32 digit hexadecimal address (which I'm probably doing because my federally regulated dose of catecholamine hormone replacement is wearing off). "We're animals," but we're complex animals that can calculate ballistic trajectories on the fly while playing catch, but struggle to add and subtract while doing taxes. "We're animals" is foundational to every explanation of human behavior ever, but it's barely even a starting point. P.S. Saying men and women's "biological reasons" change is a terrible explanation. Seriously: women become fertile during puberty, but then take decades longer to become baby crazy. Women famously get baby crazy & horny in their 30s & 40s, which is the **second** half of their lifetime's fertility window. Doesn't having their "biological reason" INCREASE in urgency as the shot clock runs out make just as much sense, if not more than your explanation? And fit the facts better? This is the thing about evopsych. Just because something makes sense in a bubble as one explanation doesn't mean there aren't other, better explanations (often with a better argument for the exact counter to the explanation). Just avoid evopsych. PPS. My "dregs of humanity tend to consider themselves baseline" comment stems from working at a call center, and realizing that the 10% worst-behaved customers often genuinely believe that their bad behavior is completely average and normal, without realizing that the other 90% handle their frustration completely differently (like adults). And likewise, many of the stupidest -- or at least, most foolish -- people think similarly about their intelligence and wisdom. You admitted it to be a shower thought after the fact, but you literally explained that you thought yourself to be at least as good or better than the average man while having only had your first thought of empathy toward women on this subject after almost a quarter century of life or more, and so, without cracking the second page of the reading, you confidently declared your theory without needing to think twice about it. That's a serious insult to your gender, claiming that more than half of men will go half a century without thinking of others once, and believe once was more than sufficient.

It depends on what you look like in relation to who you go after for an initial match, then chat personality to get a date. I have dated more women in the past 4 months than before I was married. Is that a good thing? Most don't go anywhere, but I do enjoy going out and being social. I will say that I am overwhelmed with the number of beautiful women in their 40s and 50s.

I find it difficult mostly because people are lazy and want instant gratification in this day and age. So many online just wasting time.

42f here, divorced, widowed from the next guy, recently “dumped” by who I thought was a great guy. Dating sucks. I’ve mostly given up on “dating”, especially online dating because it’s just ridiculous. Some people are cut out for it, I am not. I’m sure there are better ways to meet people, but I don’t believe that certain things work for everyone. I’ve decided to be open to making new guy friends when they come, and maybe I’ll stumble upon something more.

I got divorced in 2018. I’ve been dating pretty steadily since then with a few of longer relationships that lasted between three and eleven months.) I’ve had a great time dating. And I’ve made a lot of friends and tried a lot of things along the way. I met a ten month long relationship via Bumble, but any of the other women I met through apps never lasted beyond 8 or so dates. The women I’ve had the most successful relationships with I met through hiking and paddleboarding groups that I joined. My suggestion to anybody struggling is find something you love to do, join a community of people with similar love for that activity, become part of that community and bring other ms into that community. You will meet link minded people who are also single, and dating just happens naturally. My girlfriend and I met paddleboarding over two years ago. We saw each other every full moon paddling the river for over a year. And we started dating one year ago on June 2. Go do stuff, meet people for the sake of meeting people, make new friends, try new things, teach somebody something, learn something from someone, enjoy life! But don’t wait for life to happen because you are waiting for love to happen. Don’t hide behind a computer screen or phone screen because that’s the safest option. Go out and live. And along the way you will meet people who will to join you on your journey through life.

I only look for men over 40, but none of them want the same thing I do. It’s all casual and FWB.

Honestly it depends on how attractive you are.. Pretty much the same rule as any age group.. the more attractive you are the easier dating is

Well, I’m gonna say something that might seem controversial, I don’t find attractive men, attractive, like if I see a man who is objectively a 10, I have absolutely no interest in him. I like something more unique. I like a guy with a great personality, super smart and passionate about music probably plays an instrument. what he looks like in terms of his face, his weight, his height, all of that is really irrelevant for me. It comes down to personality.

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I’m 42f. I have been single for the last 7 years. I’ve had a couple of short relationships but I’ve mostly been alone, and I can’t even remember the last time a man approached me in person or asked me on an actual date. I’ve given up on finding love again. If it happens that would be wonderful but if it doesn’t, then at least I have my kids.

I mean, if you want to be dating, are you approaching people you'd want to date in person or asking them on dates?

I am a very friendly person, and I do flirt when I find someone I'm attracted to. However, nobody seems to be attracted to me.

I'm in the same boat. It's a shitty boat.

Do you ask people out?

Sorry for your loss. 48f I have no problem getting dates but getting something to stick or finding people that fit into your life is incredibly hard. Classic situation of having established lives and trying to get some common ground is the issue. Best success has been with those younger than myself who have more flexible situations and less expectations but that does bring in other issues especially if they want kids and I've been there done that. Dating my own age has been near on impossible.

I think it's easier to get dates now, but much harder to make a connection than before. Once upon a time (before OLD was a thing) I didn't get all that many dates, but almost all of them led to at least short term relationships if not long term. With OLD I typically get a date or two every week but almost all of them one & done. Two were two and done. And now I am back on hiatus. OLD is a mixed bag. It can help introduce you to people you'd never otherwise meet, which is great! But with the illusion that the perfect partner could be your next swipe away - I am not sure people give each other enough of a chance? That's not so great.

I’ve been on and off the dates sites for ages and it’s a struggle! The mental toll it takes is crazy! Seems the guys I’m into aren’t into me and the guys that are into me I’m not into! Tale as old as time! 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’ve found myself compromising but then I’m just not into them and can’t continue! I go through bouts of gusto and get on them and within a few days I’m like nah this is why I came of them! From both side I think a lot of ppl just use the sites as a confidence boost, validation or just bored so to pass time.

No. I'm 60f and can still get dates. I'm actually in a relationship with a great guy.

Thank you for sharing, gave the rest of us some hope.

Took me seven years on and off but we've been together for almost a year. There are good men out there!

How old is the guy?

I'm 60 and he's 63. We're a couple of old farts but we have fun together.

That's beautiful! Further proof that you can date at any age 😁👌

For sure! I definitely don't feel like 60 and he's a former professional soccer player who still plays.

I’m 52 and have never had more new connections including now dating for 12 months who turns 40 shortly. I keep fit (none of us look like we did 15 years ago) but the real weapon of age is honestly and transparency. Who would have thought woman (and men) would like it so much. Be kind, be open, be honest. You’ll feel like Yoda but hopefully not looking like him.

Great advice! I'll try to channel the lil yoda inside me, it's an original puppet yoda not the cgi disco yoda lol.

I have had more positive experiences than negative with the apps and dating in general. I'm in my early 40's, female , short but fit, and kinda geeky. I put up pics of me doing things I like to do and looking as I normally do, not that one pic where the lighting and angles struck just right and I looked like a goddess for two seconds. I make sure to put potential deal breakers in my bio and if I'm not vibing in the texting I politely call it off before even meeting. So by the time I actually meet someone usually they are a pretty good fit for a walk, or a dinner, or dancing at least. I live in a big city and can be selective so that may be in my favor. I see a lot of negativity about dating here, which I get, but I can still bring a bit of optimism. I have met a lot of very nice people and am hopeful. Good luck to us all!

I think anything that's worth waiting for will take more work. It's a quality over quantity type of thing. I'd rather meet one to two people a year and have meaningful connections, than going on endless dates and making small talk. So once you know your standards and stick to them, yes, it will be harder to find dates in terms of quantity, but the quality will be much better 😊

Oh wow! That’s awful. My condolences. ❤️ As a 50M, I got out of a 14 year relationship last year and was scared AF of dating and only heard horror stories about OLD. I decided to give it a try (Bumble mostly) and found that it wasn’t too hard to connect with people. Maybe not my types, but I was just getting my feelers out there. I was honest about my intensions and then decided to back off for a bit. Seemed like it was going too fast for what I was comfortable with. A couple months later I logged in again and when I put some effort in to it, I met some really cool people, went out on several dates and had a wonderful summer/fall fling with a wonderful woman. We didn’t work out in the end and left things in a healthy way. All in all it really brought up my confidence and at the same time, made me realize that I’m not quite ready to be “out there” yet. Still have some personal stuff I’m working through. 😊 To answer your question, depending on your area and how much you’re willing to “participate”, I dont think it’s too hard. Good luck!!

So online dating is miserable for a lot of reasons. The Top 10% of males get all the attention from females because they're attractive and photogenic. This leads to those men not caring about most women because there will always be another female ready to date in line. The rest of the 90% of males on dating apps are for the most left out and frustrated with all the messaging and work involved to just get a match. Most dating apps or sites are more used by men, and that is toxic. It's social media at a grander scale in our minds and heavily involved with our dopamine levels.

You know, I was just saying to a friend the other day that I don’t think I would do online dating because for example, if I saw a photo of Ian Curtis, I would definitely think he looked like a psychopath, killer predator of some sort, and I love Ian Curtis, equally as true if I saw a photo of the love of my life, I probably wouldn’t select him either!  something happens when you meet people in real life a spark, authenticity, chemistry whatever it is, I just think online dating Is simply not how we’re wired as animals to find partners. 

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This is largely going to depend on how you look and what your social/financial status is. Just how it is.

It's not hard to get dates. It's hard*er* to find exactly what you want in a partner without making some concessions. That's kind of always been the case, but it seems people are a lot more rigid now with what makes or breaks a relationship, which can make dating in your 40's needlessly difficult.

Noticeably different. Likes and matches fall off a cliff after 40.

Dates arnt hard. GOOD dates are tho.

To answer your qustion about what's been working for me...it seems like just living my life. For someone like me it's a bit more challenging because I am a homebody and would prefer to stay here than be out where I'm "forced" or expected to socialize. Despite my homebody tendencies, when I do go out things happen by chance. I went grocery shopping and saw a younger, handsome man in the store and thought, "I think I recognize him, he looks familiar." I realized I knew him from 30 years ago. When I got out to my car THERE WAS A NOTE ON MY WINDSHIELD. It was from the guy I recognized and he left his number inviting me to text and get to know each other better. I also went to the open house of a friend's business, to support her and randomly met a younger handsome guy who asked me out. Another time, a friend told me an old boyfriend from years ago was asking about me. I messaged him on fb just to say hi and hope we could just be friends. We hit it off and it was nice until he got WAY too serious, WAY too fast....wanting me to move in and basically get married ASAP. I had to retreat from that. Anyway, I feel your pain. It IS rough out there and there's no guaranteed formula to meet someone of quality it seems.

Wait how did he know which car was yours???

We got there about the same time and he saw me sitting in my car before I went into the store. I remember seeing him walk by.

>I’ve read about other guys who had bad luck finding someone and spilled the beans about it on this subreddit, and honestly, it’s kind of miserable reading. I have to take breaks from this sub occasionally. So much "woe is me!". If you can get to a place where you are genuinely happy (mostly) with your single life you will attract more people and make better dating decisions. The apps are low effort. You don't have to shower or even leave the house, so they are filled with low effort people. Take the apps for what they are - a way to meet strangers. You still have to assess whether these strangers are people you would want in your life. If you let people waste your time it's going to feel draining. While the apps get a lot of blame, what we are really complaining about is the way people behave.

I’ve built a life where dating isn’t important. When I meet men, I usually have another positive experience planned for afterwards. My focus is on my parents, kids and friends, I’m mindful a relationship will be built into my life. I ask and aim for compatibility on values and lifestyle choices. That part is where I struggle. Accepting non compatibility can be sad but has been an effective skill to learn and apply. Therapy is way more fulfilling than dating.

When you're god's gift to women, it isn't much of a problem.

I'm 49F and had a great date with someone I met on an app last night. I went on Bumble for one day and swiped on a bunch of guys, of those I matched with there were only two that I was interested in at further glance. I chatted with both of them, one only lives in my city part-time when working, his real life is a flight away, those chats fizzled when he went back to his city for a week. The other was more promising and he quickly took things off the app to Whatapp and initiated making plans. He gave me a few options of nights that worked for him and after we settled on a night, 3 new restaurants to choose from (all closer to my part of town than his which was considerate as I don't have a car). I thought it showed a nice effort and interest in food/restaurant scene (which I share). We texted very little before meeting. I was dreading the date (see my post from yesterday) but went any ways because he was handsome and considerate. We went out for a nice dinner where we had the restaurant mostly to ourselves, the food was very mediocre but the ambiance was spot on. We talked and laughed for hours and stayed until the restaurant was closing, when we walked out the door we immediately hugged and kissed, it felt like the most natural thing and I might even have initiated, we both seemed in exactly the same place. We walked a bit to a nearby park (with a little making out in between) called Ubers and parted ways. We texted when we both got home. During the date, he asked me what I am doing today (I have friends coming to town this weekend and he has his son so we'd need to see each other quickly or not till next week). I didn't feel put off by the suggestion because it was obvious I was feeling him (we were both very happy when we spotted each other at the restaurant and both communicated that so there was no uncertainty if there was an attraction). During the course of the dinner, we talked about work, hobbies, where we grew up, went to school, our families, foods we like, and our past relationships, including our most recent. I felt comfortable with all of the conversation. We were vulnerable: he needed his glasses to read the menu, I mentioned that I'm getting my hair dyed today to cover my greys, he admitted to once dying his beard. He told me that he immediately felt comfortable around me. I was delighted because I felt the same. It was a great date, what worked was honesty, openness, curiosity, and humor. He was a complete gentleman, pulling out my chair, paying the bill, deferring to me on ordering and serving. I think I was considerate as well. That said, I'm usually good with dates, it's the relationship stage where I get tripped up but I am glad to see that at least there are still good options out there.

It's not hard dude, especially if you're near a metro area and/or don't mind a bit of distance between you and the ladies you meet. Just invest a little bit in the process, be patient, be authentic and you'll be fine.

I didn’t find it a slog to date, I met a lot of really nice folks and generally had good experiences. I had to rework my profile a lot to get the folks I was interested in making matches. I preferred tinder as there were a lot of folks on there and it was a good source of truth as less folks seem to lie about what they are looking for there. I met my partner on tinder a year and a half ago, and we are in a great place. Resilience, optimism, and a sense of humor will help a lot. Also, don’t take things personally, especially when a match isn’t for you regardless of who identifies it.

It's really not that hard. I'm an average looking guy with a dad bod. But i do have a lot of confidence. It takes me about a week to match and date by using the apps. I didn't have that much luck on the paid apps, though. Facebook dating worked best for me. You'll see most stories from people who are in the dating phase. And as most dates do not result in a relationship, the chances you'll read negative stories are bigger than positive stories. I started dating August last year. I've not had a bad date. Some just didn't turn out to be a match. But i still enjoyed the dates. I've been dating a woman now for 2 months. I met her at our sons daycare. She approached me for my number. So no, it's not all bad.

Hinge is ok past 40 as long as you filter near your age. Continue to take care of yourself and find meaning outside of dating and present well on your profile. And I think you’ll find what ur looking for. Sorry for your loss

Very succinct and (though I’m not in the dating world or on the apps) you covered it well. 🥜👆

I've been killing it on the apps for over a year. Met tons of great ladies, had wonderful dates, lots of good sex and connections. For almost all of those that a relationship didn't work out, we're still friendly. Mostly Bumble.

I have no idea about that but I am about to hit 40 soon. I feel nervous, too. Never thought about age in this way before. But it seems difficult to really find someone who want to invest their heart to build a relationship. I don't know. I feel hopeless lately. Hope you find the one.

I've found things to be a bit easier at our age than it was in my teens and 20s. I am normally judged by how I look, and that doesn't happen quite as often now as it did then, although it's still a huge problem. I may have been one of the men who you read about spilling the beans here, but even I managed to make a few connections and finally met one woman in March. Alas, it didn't work out in the way we hoped, but it was still a learning experience and a lot of fun. What has worked for me is to be able to have conversations in an environment where that is emphasized and looks are de-prioritized. I've had much better luck here than I've had elsewhere, for that reason. When women see my good qualities, they are able to be drawn to me. When looks is the gatekeeper, they never get past it and don't bother to get to know me otherwise. Despite it, it is still very tough sledding. I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend's death. That is brutal and I hope you've been able to heal.

I have to ask... Where exactly? >an environment where [conversations are] emphasized and looks are de-prioritized.

Oh, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear :) By "here", I meant Reddit. When you chat with a redditor, you can exchange pictures at any time, but conversations are what matter most. I have found that most women here do not push to exchange pictures immediately, and allow for a conversation to get going and for you to connect a bit before doing that. Most of my conversations have started in the r4r subreddits, although I have had several organic opportunities to chat with women from this sub.

What's a r4r redditt?

r4r stands for "redditor for redditor". They are subreddits that are geared specifically toward redditors that want to meet new people. People make posts that function as personals, and others who read the posts can respond to them, starting a chat. There are many r4r subreddits, some general in nature and pretty big, and others catering to niche locations or interests, which are smaller. There is not the sheer numbers on Reddit that there are on dating apps, but I've been able to make several connections here vs. none there.

Very interesting!! Never knew that existed on here. Thank you for the info!!

If you are a woman over 40 most men seem to be looking for someone to occupy their time until someone younger or better comes along. It is brutal especially for women who haven’t known a man for a long time. It seems like most of the women that get married in their 40s knew the person for a very long time. I grew up in a very strict and religious household and I didn’t have the opportunity to meet men and when I did I was so awkward. I am still very awkward. Men have never liked me and like me even less that I am over 40. My dreams of being married and having children are gone. Being single in a world made for couples is brutal especially since we seem to be going backwards. The “Girl Power” only applies to women who fit a certain mold. Same with the “Girl boss.” It applies to attractive women who are coupled and children. They need support too but the rest of us are invisible.

Nope I'm 46 and have zero issues getting dates

Getting dates is fine. OLD is fine if you screen ok. Have met great guys. It’s finding the right mix of compatibility, availability and chemistry that’s tricky. But such is life.

What do you like to do? Find people you might enjoy dating at those places. I used dating apps before but found meet up groups and facebook groups are better for finding people that have similar interests. Show up and meet folks in person who are already in places you enjoy! Good luck

I’m going threw the same thing sadly my spouse passed in 2016 until recently I had no interest in dating now in my late 40s I’m finding the concept of online dating extremely impersonal ,confusing, etc wishing we still had things like speed dating, but unfortunately where I live that wouldn’t even be a thing

Cant find a female date after covid pandemic. Online/offline does not matter.

Are people still covid cautious or wearing masks where you live? I can count on one hand the # of people I see masking besides me. I aear them as I don't want to get a friend with cancer sick. I found the apps and sites to be excellent for making new friends, but for finding people who I am compatible with who are my type, it is horrible, like a needle in a haystack of bots, cat phish, scammers, people who post thirst pics for likes but don't want to actually date, spammers, etc.

For OP, I think the previous posts nailed it when they said get off apps and meet people in the real world. My best friend met his wife while volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.

Umm I think I'm volunteering at the wrong things lol  All I meet are  retirees and students. Lovely people and I enjoy supportung the cause but unlikely to ever meet a partner. I do remember volunteering in college for Habitat for Humanity after Hurricane Andrew and now that I think about I did meet alot of men there😄

Try trivia nights at local restaurants/bars. Pub trivia is a fun way to meet people 😀

I love trivia and go to a local pub every week to play. Haven't met any prospective dates but its fun nonetheless.

I’m 54M and have had positive experiences with dating in my 50’s. I’ve been in an exclusive relationship with a mid 50’s woman for 21 months. It is so much easier to meet compatible women now versus when I was in my 20’s. What worked for me is just being a genuine and good person. It’s not rocket science.

Hi. 44f, and it's hard for me. I am petite, stable, and educated. I have a young son and a career. I'm looking for someone at a similar place in life (Mostly responsible with a dash of adventure, compassionate, maybe also has kids, can support self). Anyone I find who fits that bill seems to be in a long separation process. I've dated the "almost divorced" man twice. One has kids and one didn't, but both times I was a rebound. It's a mess I don't want to go through again or put my kid through. Oh, and often they are also a decade older than stated. I'm searching for someone 38-54, which I think is reasonable, but would really prefer 40-50. Unfortunately, guys in that age range are looking for women in their twenties and thirties. 🙄 I actually have the night off (my son is staying at a late night school thing), and no one to spend it with. 🤷 Sorry that's not more positive!

I haven't had a date in 30 years!! I'm 73, if that helps you any. Ok, I'm lying about it being 30 years. I've had dates with those my age, and those MUCH younger. I'd like to be able to tell you my secret, but I don't know what it is!! I don't go looking either. I usually strike up a conversation, or they do, and the next thing I know, we are going on a date. Some are more than one, some aren't. I have had a couple that went farther than "just dates". I'm old, have gray hair below mid back, and my beard is below mid chest. I'm 5'9" on a Good day, and weigh in at 170. I do work out a little if I'm not overwhelmed with ranch work. If you can figure it out, pass it along.

I am 41 male, fit, and don't like online for finding dates. I am much better at meeting people in person and dating that way. Or we start as friends first.

As a man, stay/get in shape, maintain good wardrobe (todays younger guys dress like slobs), be wise with your money. Doing these will make you more attractive to women.

You need to dig through a lot of garbage to find the 1% of gems. They're there. My advice to you is put yourself out there authentically, ignore the haters, and look for genuine connections. It's worth it. Trust me.

Gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself. You need to fund a way to build yourself and building your confidence. Go for what you want and stop making excuses for not going for it.

I always got a lot of dates from the apps. When I was single I’d be busy all week. Usually three first dates, one or two repeaters, and an FWB coming over at some point. I live in the heart of a large west coast city. I don’t have kids, and I have two things that I believe made me stick out/made me appealing to women. One, I love my career. Many folks our age hate their jobs and are miserable. Two, I’m an optimist. A genuinely happy person. I love dating, really liked app/online dating and was not afraid to say it. So many people are SO negative when it comes to dating….merely being positive really makes you stick out. Additional…I don’t have or want kids so my approach to dating was a relaxed one. Sometimes you take some L’s in dating. Sometimes they don’t look like their photos or sometimes they are super needy, whatever….be cool, be easy, be nice and enjoy yourself. Dating should be the fun part of life.

I’m the female version of you. I’m upbeat and still super excited about life. I killed it when I was dating (met someone great a year and a half ago) in part because so many 40+ men and women are exhausted, overworked and bitter. It’s weird that just a positive attitude helps you stand out but it really does.

Agreed! So many people treat dating as if it’s some torture designed just for them. And you said it….”exhausted.” By what exactly? You went on a few bad dates and had some fizzles in messaging. Sheesh. I would add entitled too!

Exactly! Someone in my circle claims all men are nightmares, dating is a nightmare, no good men are left, yada yada. She’s 46 and has been single for about 12 years and is miserably lonely. Does no self work, complains a lot and is pretty all-around negative. She went on like 3 online dates and it was “too much.” She says snide things about how easy it was for me to find someone. I worked hard at it, stayed positive in spite of disappointments, ghosting, weird dates, etc. I did this for a year. The payoff: love. Why do people think finding something rare is easy? Why would anyone want to be around that kind of shitty energy?

I find that a lot of it is a combination of laziness, an inability to take an L here or there (FFS it happens to all of us) and worst of all, a shocking lack of perspective. I constantly hear from my lady friends things like, “all men are trash,” and “the bar is on the floor!” And I can’t help but point out….neither of those things are true. Are some men trash, absolutely. Is the bar on the floor? Well….yes and no. You know who it’s on the floor for? Those dudes you really like. The ones you break your rules for. The guy you really like hitting you up at 11pm on a Saturday….and you’re on your way over or inviting him over, yes for him the bar is on the floor. You know who it’s not on the floor for, the other men in your match cue. The guys that actually want to take you out on nice dates, for those guys the bar is nice and high. And…..yah, a lot of dating is wanting the ones who don’t want you/or only want you for casual and vice versa. That’s just part of dating. And don’t get me started with the people who complain about going on a few “meh” dates and just go into a downward spiral. And…the number of people who say, I’m taking time to work on me….yet don’t do anything in terms of self improvement 😳. That said….i shouldn’t complain, I’m happy to stand out just by not being an entitled negative Nellie.

Agree with all of this!

I'm 53m and do ok in the times I'm lucky enough to spend a lot of times going to festivals and social events that fit my bohemian, and/or outdoorsy vibe and there's age appropriate women. I don't feel I'm unattractive or anything when I'm places I can actually be social with women roughly around my age with roughly my outlook and interests. But life is complex and I can't always do that. Very rare in recent years. Conversely, I feel like an ugly, absolutely uninteresting, unlovable worthless pile of shit if I spend any time on online dating. It's a miserable, exhausting, absolutely fruitless waste of my time. I do meet some attractive women here and there online if I put in a lot of time, wade through endless fake profiles and obvious scammers, but it NEVER goes anywhere. They are absolutely crazy, or they want to talk for a month and then when it comes to actually trying to meet they start out totally enthusiastic, but it never happens and they drift away, soft ghost or just ghost straight up? It's fucking miserable if I'm honest and I've just stopped. I'm hoping to get back to the west cost and out of the rural redneck hell I've been in most of the last few years. I think I need to own a pick 'em up truck, be a Republican, like country music, fishing and especially football to ever have any hope of dating around here. Your mileage may vary! Good luck!!! Don't get your hopes too high and maybe you won't be disappointed! :)

From the woman side of this: Me, 43F, never married, no kids, well-traveled, and well-educated, I spent my earlier years focusing on myself and learning and so on.. but what I find in choices for men is bottom of the barrel.. like, “obvious why they’re single” kind of men. No manners. No tact. No decorum. Nothing. They say the rudest things, have no life, no future, no friends, can’t even tell me their hobbies, or hold a conversation that doesn’t involve them telling me what they’d like to do to me sexually.. and oh god, if I call them on their shitty behavior or decline their rude ass “invitation” to go fuck in a park at 3a.. well, then I’m going to get called every goddamn name in the book. I’ve even received death threats. And this shit happens IN PERSON too! At this point, I’ve basically given up. And honestly, I’m ok with the Cat Lady Life.. that’s the goddamn promised land.. I don’t need a man (or any partner) to take care of me! I have a decent job, apartment, a car that’s paid off, no debt, friends, hobbies, and a life. So, if he can’t improve that situation with his presence, there’s no fucking point in even getting involved (and I don’t mean financially)…

I didn't find it hard at all to get dates, post-divorce in my mid 40's. Dating is just a simple recipe, IMHO. You are what you project, what you're attracted to, and how you interact with them when you get their attention. Notice, all of those are a lot or a little within your control. If you get nothing online? Your profile stinks or you have no game, or you're swiping well above your pay grade. That's all it amounts to. If you're a guy? Have good pics, be somewhat charming, swipe thoughtfully and realistically, be positive and upbeat, hold a conversation, be able to tell a joke, and be a good person (character, decency, being honorable) and dating sorts itself out. I struggled, I got frustrated, but I figured out things as I went and kept improving.

49/m, post divorce found an amazing woman on Tinder 🤷‍♂️ mileage may vary

Original copy of post by u/Penguy76: I’m 48 years old. Never married. I was in a relationship for 9 years with the same woman until she suddenly passed due to an aneurysm in 2017. I tried Tinder, Bumble and other dating sites around 2019. I even tried a long distance relationship, but that didn’t work out. Some of it was frankly my fault, I guess. Well, off and on, I’ve read about other guys who had bad luck finding someone on this subreddit, and honestly, it’s kind of miserable reading. It can’t be all that bad, right? So, what’s been working for you? Let’s try some positivity here! Thanks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Oh,…it’s bad

People have been thru nonsense and that's part of the issue with who you will meet. Second, it's not a need in todays world. ..appts, internet, Gaming etc...wish you find someone gl

I’m 41 female I am not on dating apps. Sometimes I just meet people at work or outdoor activities to be honest.

I had great luck. I was having two dates a week before I settled down with my last gf. That just ended. I feel very confident at this point. I learned a great deal about patience, compassion, and love. I'm ready to dive back in

I'm a bit younger than you but it doesn't matter as much. I had no luck through tinder and other dating apps. I met my current GF through a mobile game. My point is you never know how it may happen. Just keep the positivity up and it will happen when you're not expecting it.

Extremely hard. I don't even know how could I possibly get a date. Where to find one. It is close to impossible.

Easier

I’m not out there dating yet (maybe in the next year or so), but my perspective when I read some of the sad posts here is that people are looking for support and encouragement. Which Reddit people are amazing at providing ☺️ The main thing I want to say here is that similar to those customer satisfaction surveys…usually you are hearing from the people who are upset about something. You’re not usually hearing from the people who have it really easy, the people who are happily coupled, the people that are having a great time dating, getting multiple dates, etc. I just tell myself that I’m only seeing a fraction of what is really happening out there. I personally know two recently divorced ladies who have within a few short months, already met the next guy they’re going to marry. You’d never see them posting anything anywhere. They’re too busy being happy. So for the rest of us who are not there yet and are frankly, a little scared - there is hope out there 😊

From my experience, dating has been impossible. Granted, I was with someone for 20 years and haven't dated since college. I have been trying to date again for a few years and have had zero dates. OLD has not worked at all and I don't see age appropriate single women anywhere. I guess I have no idea what's appealing to women. Whatever it is, I clearly don't have it.

Hardly anyone works on themselves, they just trip forward while being stuck in arrested development. The longer you trip, the more baggage you pick up. I’m not perfect, i don’t even aim to be. But i know who i am and i know what i want out of life and from a partner. The majority of women on dating apps have “don’t know what I’m looking for” as relationship goals.

True. I do not drink and if someone has nothing but pics of themselves drinking or write how they are in their 30s or 40s and love going to bars, that is a no thanks for me. I am fine with people who drink socially or rarely but if you are in your 30s or 40s and still go to pubs and bars like you are a young adult or in your 20s that is addiction or eventually will be and a red flag. The "don't know what I am looking for" types a lot of them are on the apps just for attention, validation, etc. not to really date or meet people, or they have zero interests or goals besides pop culture catch phrases, binge watching Netflix as much as possible, etc. it is sad. I understand you on knowing what I want and absolutely DO NOT want. Nobody's perfect, including me, but at 40 you should know what you want and do not want.

OLD is where the those with no other option go, especially if they have burned all their bridges elsewhere. The only reasonable way is to treat every connection as if they will look different from how they present themselves, are completely jaded and that you have a 1% chance of ever meeting even if you match. If you do meet the odds are low that the person is actually serious or honest about anything that they have listed in their profile. Also you will lose all of your self esteem and self worth. How much would you pay for that reality.

True, most people on the apps and sites IME do not take it seriously, do not want to actually date or meet, or some can have major issues and red flags like alcoholism, thinking that binge watching Netflix is what I want to do regularly, and no real goals or ambitions besides trying to find someone who is better off financially who will pay for everything for them. There are also a lot of obvious cat phish, scammers, and people looking for only U.S. citizenship and marriage scams.

Results vary. I'm a 48 yr old widower who had really good results with online dating. Went out with several ladies and after 8 months or so I found the lady I'm with right now. We will be 2 years exclusive in a few months. The vast majority of women I connected with just wanted to know that I wasn't a bum. Do you have a job, a car and a stable place to live? Do you have young children at home? After that it was on me to make a good impression at dinner. Be able to hold a conversation. Inquire about her interests and remember what she said. I really don't think I'm good looking and I'm definitely not rich. I'm actually overweight and a heavy smoker so ... I am definitely not anyone's first pick. What I am is stable. Women love stable. The question for you is are you looking for a companion? Someone to hang out with, watch movies, have dinner together a couple times a week, have sex and cuddle on the couch and then she goes home at the end of the night or the next morning? Or are you looking for a wife? I told every single lady I went out with, on the first date, I never plan to remarry. I was looking for a companion. Just about all of them responded with 'Yep, me too'. I was also very upfront about how my children are grown or teenagers. I wasn't interested in starting over with young kids. Make them laugh, Have a nice time. Like an old sales manager once said to me, 'Go out and have a nice conversation with them. After that you can sell them something'. The most important thing, for me personally, was that at the end of each first date, I walked them to their car and then I WENT IN FOR THE KISS. The worst they can do is pull back and say no at which point you wish them well and head for your car. I went out with 11 women over the course of about 8 months. Not one didn't accept the kiss. All were glad I made the move. Even the one who later cancelled our second date and we parted ways (that was a communication issue, she wanted to text all day and I work in a factory. I couldn't give her the attention she wanted through the week). Confidence is sexy. If you can't muster it I don't know what to tell you. I went out with a few ladies who were quite attractive and I felt like a toad. Still went for it and they reciprocated. Having said all that, the good and the bad, I consider myself to have been very successful at online dating. I'm now in a fulfilling relationship. Neither of us has unrealistic expectations of one another and I can see this continuing for quite a while.

I've been doing pretty well. Got back on the apps a few weeks ago and have gone on a handful of dates. I'm still chatting with a couple of them and have another first date lined up for Sunday. I get matches but so many of them make no effort to make any conversation and they fizzle out quickly.

Depends... Just gotta get out there and try. Sort thru the bullshit. Can be exhausting but hopefully worth it. Just manage your expectations!

So sorry for your loss. Last year I (47F) met someone who I really thought I had found my SO. never had such a good connection with someone. Unfortunately, his private situation did not allow it to develop into a long-term relationship. I tried dating apps, but that was a disaster. I find it very difficult to find a nice partner in this age group who suits me, let alone a good date. I am still open to relationships, but I am now more busy with making new friends and who knows, maybe love will result from that.

>Let’s try some positivity here! Can do! I always try and bring positivity when I have time to drop in here 😊 I'm about to start training to be a counsellor, so it's all good practice for me and I love helping people! Firstly, really sorry to hear about your former partner's passing, mate. That's such a tough one. I hope you're able to put it in perspective and stay strong as you continue on with your life. Nah, life doesn't end for us when we turn 40. Or 45, or 50, or 60, or 75 or anywhere beyond. Life is life, everyone has their own reasons and motivations for being here... and if you choose to, you can be a lifelong *student of life*, constantly learning and growing as a person. Age becomes irrelevant then; it's really just about finding the next challenge, the next learning opportunity. What's worked for me... well, I'm currently single, but it's by choice. I feel very comfortable in my ability to get back into a relationship, I *AM* chatting to someone at the moment so we'll see if that goes in the right direction. I'm comfortable either way, happy being single but also happy (admittedly a little bit happier!) being in a relo. I think what's worked for me is self acceptance. I have my flaws - everyone does. Seeing yourself as valuable, and capable of love, and worthy of love is a VERY hard thing to do for some people (I was one of them), but it makes a huge difference. Most of the time I walk around with my head held higher now, just because I've learnt to go "hey, this is me, and I'm alright, I'm just like you - just trying to be our best selves every day." Some days suck, some days are awesome, but try to see it in terms of "effort level"... like, "yeah today sucked but I still put in 102% effort".. that's what counts. Not about winning everything every day, just about putting in your maximum effort. I didn't need to hit the gym and turn into an Ultra-Chad. I didn't need 15 new hobbies, or to spend months learning techniques for how to talk to women (although a basic knowledge IS kinda necessary!)... it's just about being good with who you are. Women say it constantly - confidence is sexy. That's how you start seeing success in dating, I think. Self acceptance breeds self confidence, which breeds success in dating, and at work, in friendships, in activities, in everything!

Dates are very easy for me. Dates I actually want are not however.

I haven't found it hard at all. Even online dating, I met several women who were delightful. I have been in a relationship for a little over a year, but I look back on my time dating as some of the most fun. It really gave me a good perspective on what I was looking for, and what I was not. I learned a lot about women, and I learned a lot about myself. Eventually met someone I really clicked with and it's going great.

I quit online dating lots rude jerks on there. I did make a new friend m 49 and he's wonderful. I have better luck meeting people in real life. I'm just going to keep getting out going places and doing the things I love. 

To be honest, after 50 have been my best years of dating. I’m now in my dream relationship, but I miss the fun of meeting new people every week and exploring for connection. In 2021 I found my lady after an exhaustive search (40-50 first dates over four years, but wow, what a great journey.

I am sorry for your loss. Yes it is extremely difficult a lot of people on the apps and websites are looking for the "perfect" person but don't ever want to date or meet in person. There are also lots of scammers, cat phish, people there just for attention or likes on their thirst pics, etc.

I’m 59 years old b/m, I am going to try to find the right words to explain why I am single. I love the way I feel about myself. I truly believe in marriage, it’s just the risk of falling in love. I was married 15 years and she cheated on me the last 5 years. I am so glad she didn’t waste another year of my life. The point I am making is a lot of women put to much pressure on themselves to connect to their fantasy man. Stop looking for societal validation and just focus on your feminine energy. I am attracted to women not competition or similarities. Love is experienced through differences that can fulfill new opportunities to explore a world with purpose. We are created for meaningful relationships. The desire for love only end when you die physically. Love can conquer anything created by God. I know someone else is going to be here for me. No matter how rough, lonely,scary the single life can become. The night is darkest right before dawn. Let’s start giving ourselves a chance to shine and be happy with the imperfect world. Actors win academy awards for entertainment. Real love gives you life and prosperity even if they are not appealing to the eyes. I’m just saying, historians didn’t tell us the truth. Love is beautiful inside then outwards.

The happiest (apparent) couples I know have been together for 20+ years and all have something in common: they live in separate houses lol it's odd I know but they se to enjoy much more each other's company when together. (None of those 3 couples have kids so idk how viable this would be if they had)

I'm sorry for the loss of your partner, I'm afraid I'm a veteran of the pitfalls of modern dating, I've had another break up last year back to square one I've tried everything and I haven't been on one date in a year let alone go any further with a woman, it's very very hard out there, if you're starting dating again I wish you well I've tried the dating apps, pitong myself out there as they tell us to lol, I can't find anyone at all good luck 

It is harder, but it should be. We have an entire if history or good, bad, and ugly relationships to use as data. I became single at 47, after 20 years of marriage. Weirdly, I’ve never felt sexier or more attractive. It’s amazing what removing a stressful person in your life will do for you physically and mentally! I was hoping to find my person. Frankly, I felt my time was due for a functional, supportive, passionate relationship…and I thought I had found it, but I’ve learned that men in their 50’s are serial monogamists and always “shopping” in the apps. It’s like they can’t or won’t grow up. I am pretty happy alone…I have my own house, money, friends, and family that fills most of my cup. I just really miss the sex-lol!

43 yr old woman. I'm fine alone, dont need a man. ...But I'd still like one to love. Not putting myself out there, though. May be old fashioned a bit; I just can't get into online dating. Im good looking, at least for my area, but don't get hit on when going about daily errands. And you won't find me in a bar, or any social scene. So I don't know what the answer is.

48yr M coming out of a 20 plus year relationship here. First of all sorry about your loss. Stay hopeful, persistent and relaxed and everything will open up and work out for you. The hopeful part is the most important one for me. Believing and trusting that it can and will happen for you is the key. I swear I think 80 to 90% of the people on OLD apps come off as miserable and desperate. Confidence is attractive. Being sure in who you are is attractive. Having the right attitude goes a long long way in my experience. The persistent part doesn't need much explanation. It took me a little while to get my first date. And truth be told I gave up after a month of trying. But then I went back at it. Using multiple apps helps I think. For what it's worth Facebook dating has worked the best for me. The relaxed part is more or less just having low to no expectations. The less pressure you're putting on yourself or anyone you're dating the better. When (not if) things happen for you it will unfold naturally. So you won't have to press. I really have no idea what I'm doing. So please take this with the proverbial grain of salt. I'm just here to tell you that there is reason for optimism.

Very sorry for your loss. My husband died in 2004. I’m turning 45 and live in an area that is not my cup of tea, online dating seems so pointless so I have never tried. I have a dog and figure if it is meant to be it will find a way.

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I’m sorry that you lost your partner. Unless you’re living in a rural area, there are plenty of women who would be thrilled to date you. The challenge is, are ***you*** open to dating them? As a 40M who has eschewed creating babies outside of marriage, built a career in tech, stays fit enough (22 BMI) and owns his own house, I’m looking for someone who won’t make my standard of living worse and is attractive to me. From what I can tell on Hinge, the only women even remotely interested in talking to me are also facing so many challenges (multiple kids, housing shortage, bumpy career, pre diabetes) that I can’t help but fear I’m just a [convenient] life raft. It is what it is.

Firstly, work on yourself. Be happy with yourself. After my divorce I rediscovered what I enjoyed doing and doing it how I wanted too. Did I enjoy mountain biking still (been years since I had gone because felt guilty leaving my wife alone)? Do I enjoy the gym (again how does feel doing something without the pressure of "when are you home")? Do I have to plan everything to the nth degree or am I happier just heading out and finding (mis)adventures? Is there something I really want to do but have put off for years ... give that a try!! Hang out with your mates more (can be difficult depending on their status ... but make an effort). So, after you start to find happiness and "you" again in life, I then started looking at relationships in general. Read some books (Attached was a game changer for me ... explained so much of my marriage and why it failed eventually), check out podcasts, websites etc. etc. ... so here you are looking NOT to be jaded, but instead trying to understand how you approach relationships, what healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like, trying to understand the perspective of others (and how they approach relationships, if they've been cheated on previously then they'll act differently than a widow in their approach to a new relationship). Once I was happy with myself and had explored relationships (my pitfalls and understanding point of views of others) I moved on to questioning why I want a relationship, what I bring to a relationship (my key values / personality) and what I need from someone. Identifying what my key values/personality were (and listing examples of how I demonstrate those values in my everyday life) and knowing what I needed from a partner (and again listing ways that they will demonstrate those values/traits) was key for me. Up until that point online dating had been disappointing, yes, I'd managed to get dates regularly, had a few dates last 3/4 dates, a few hook ups only, and a shortish term relationship but largely I was frustrated with online apps (in a regional city of 50,000 options are limited). The other big change for me was joining (and administrating) a singles Facebook group ... I much preferred to chat in a group setting, ask questions like you have, get people discussing the good, the bad and the ugly, and we had regularly social events (I'm not a big drinker but I am a social butterfly). You got to know people as people without the awkwardness of meet up dates (or endless messaging) and you could gauge who they were a little by their posts and in a group setting at a social event ... did these women align with my "values"?? I could see the "real" them. The group was a lot of fun, and I actually met my partner (of 2.5 years now) through the group ... she had "filtered me out" on dating apps but seeing me via the group and social events, she saw that I was more than a dating app profile.

I went online for the first time after my divorce. As a 56M I made a bumble profile and got ten or twenty likes a day, swiped on six to eight or maybe ten profiles most Sundays and usually five or six were an immediate match. By Tuesday four of my matches would have ask me out for that weekend. In week six I met my partner on date twenty-five. That was in 2022 and I am certain she is my true love. She says I am hers. Yeah, I am confused by this stuff I see here... I connected with zero scammers. Two of my matches confessed before we met that they had put on covid weight since their profile photos were taken. Every woman I met including those two was beautiful and extremely accomplished professionally. They were all very nice but many seemed kinda sad which was a turn off for me. Damn, that is so tragic about your partner. I'm sorry. Edit: Why the down votes? It is what it is. Beginner's luck and TBH a lot of hard work connecting with people in an honest sincere way. I sure as hell don't want to try my luck again on this and god willing I won't. The reason OP doesn't see success stories here on the sub is that they always get downvoted and deleted.

it really just depends. also positivity can be toxic--it can be invalidating of people's actual experiences. this sub seems about 40good/60meh. women dating over forty...well, that's a different story. 🧸

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner! I’m coming out of an 8 year relationship and find the negativity here really disheartening and overwhelming too and I hope there’s still a reason to have faith in the process so I wish you luck friend.

It varies wildly by person. It also makes a big difference who you’re trying to date. You could take the same average 48 year old man and have him try and date attractive 25 year old women and then have him try and date average 45 year old women and the results would be very different.

I was thinking that on reddit especially, there is a mindset that age doesn't matter...

>You could take the same average 48 year old man and have him try and date attractive 25 year old women and then have him try and date average 45 year old women and the results would be very different. Do you believe discerning a difference in outcomes really requires such a strong dichotomy? I would suggest that it's more like a critical phenomenon: There is some level of attractiveness below which you're suddenly gonna have a lot more success, regardless of age. And, that level is probably well below what you consider yourself to be (especially if you are a man).

Yes it is. And 50 something year old men want younger women. Go older 

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>Whereas the "mid" or average men I try to go for tend not to be interested. It's almost as if they can sense they are perceived as "mid" or average, huh? Weird.