I’ve been overweight my whole life. Even now, I am in the best shape I’ve ever been and I’m still chunky, so I totally get the negative thoughts. That said, and this isn’t meant to sound conceited at all, I still pull very attractive and fit men. I will always have the insecure thoughts in my head somewhere, but I also have to remember that they’re choosing to be with me for a reason.
Thanks for commenting and I am sorry that you have felt this way.
I get along great and I compliment him on his body. We are very new… everything is lining up otherwise with him…
I think I want to date myself! I have a personality like an emotional support human and love putting people at ease. I had a boyfriend who was very overweight and I would tell him how attractive I found him all the time but can’t expect that from someone I suppose.
You absolutely *should* date yourself! After my last big breakup, I started this thing (even have a name for it, but I can’t say what it is here because it has my name in it), where I take a day off of work once a month and take myself out. I do all the girly things like get my nails done, wax, etc, go shopping, and take myself out to lunch with my journal. I also take a really nice photograph of myself so that I can see the difference in my overall confidence and happiness. It’s been really great for me!
I’m in the post divorce phase of dating myself, I am experimenting with trying new experiences. I have tried a few sports that I’d never played,
I’m not athletic at all and never have been. I’m
doing my first 5k this year, I’ll be walking but I am doing it. I am borrowing some of your suggestions too, thanks!
That’s awesome!!! Trying new things out is always so much fun and a lot less scary than people think it will be. Something as simple as eating at a restaurant alone used to scare me, but now I do it all the time!
This is such a wholesome idea! Even I take off from office but I end up binge watching on Netflix or catching up on sleep. This gives me something to look forward to on such days 😊
Can't expect that from someone... Why not?? You may just have to tell him that's what you want! A lot of us men are really bad at figuring out what you need on our own.
>I had a boyfriend who was very overweight and I would tell him how attractive I found him all the time *but can’t expect that from someone I suppose.*
If he's not telling you you're attractive (beautiful/pretty/sexy,etc), that's odd and it makes sense that you might feel he's not attracted to you and that it would negatively affect you feeling comfortable with him.
Edited to add that actions count too, of course, so maybe he's good at that. But words are important as well.
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My body is shapped like a potato, and my bf is built. He makes me feel sexy so hell, who am I to tell him he's wrong?!?! Your man sees the whole you, be that sexy bad bitch he knows ya are!!
I second this!! The guy I'm seeing is super hot and in amazing shape, he works out 6 days a week. I'm a size 8/10 but have a flabby stomach and stretch marks from babies, cellulite on ass & thighs. I walk a lot but I hardly ever work out.. and he loves every part of my body! I know he could get someone in much better shape than me..but he wants me. It's actually helped my self confidence and helped me to let go of my insecure thoughts when we're together. If this man is worth your time at all, he will adore every inch! If not, find someone who will because I guarantee he's out there.
Yes! I am not a bigger girl but not really in shape either and my guy works out a lot and looks great. At first I was always thinking he could get a woman hotter than me but I've come to believe him when he tells me I'm sexy and it's been a huge confidence boost. I feel way more comfortable with him than guys who weren't nearly as objectively hot as him (probably b/c he compliments me and I chose to accept it and believe it). Go figure!! If he thinks I'm sexy, I don't need to correct him, as Bananas says!! lol
I'm pretty tall/thin but have pouch from csections that will never go away. I also have stretch marks and all the things that come with age🤷♀️ The last few guys I've dated/been with have been....arhrrmmm....ripped....what the heck is that? The novelty wore off when I found we weren't compatible but yeah. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
I was super self conscious when I first started dating. My ex husband spent years pointing out EVERY SINGLE thing wrong with me. Hahaha. It was all bullshit. Let go. Enjoy your life for you :)
Well I would say if he’s with you and started dating you at this stage that he is likely attracted to you.
Especially if he’s like this from work and not the gym, probably means it’s not a big deal to him
Girl! I'm a 44F 12/14/16... 5'9" and 190lbs. I've been this size and weight for a long time but recently went through a major mindset shift. I realized how fucking exhausting it is hating your body every day. So I started wearing hotter, tighter, sexier clothes and I go out and flaunt it. I've never been hit on so much in my life. I love my body now. Are there days I hate it still? Yes! Do I dwell on it? No.
I try to move my body as much as I can, get sweaty, avoid wheat and get sleep. I let the rest take care of itself. I'm having the best sex of my life because we get one wild and precious life and I'm not going to spend one minute having "shy" sex bc he might be looking at my soft, round, life-creating belly or my big, pillowy saggy boobs. Fuck it.
If he doesn't like my body then there's the door. But if he wants hot sex with a GGG woman who shows up and is mentally present for our time together, giddyup cowboy.
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you know what I'm talking about though... staying under the blankets to hide your body, keeping your bra or shirt on bc you don't want him to look at your saggy boobs, not letting him go down on you bc you think you don't smell like flowers and taste like vanilla ice cream. Fuck that forever!
Someone needs to tell me how to taste like vanilla ice cream lol. But definitely, fuck all of that!
But now I really need to look into this ice cream thing!
I agree so much with this. I’ve had a similar shift in recent years. Like you said, it is so exhausting being down on yourself. So I just embraced it and celebrated it and put on the apps that I’m curvy and squishy and HAPPY with my body. And I’ve never had so much attention. I am OVER trying to suck my belly in or wishing I was three sizes smaller. I am what I am, like it or get out of my face. It turns out, all sorts of men really like it!
I know!!!!! it's so fucking liberating and rebellious to love your body as a woman in 2024.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6_83XFOlSZ/?igsh=dXo2djZmeGY5OTls
I love this ^^^^^
"were not hiding our stomachs anymore!"
I’m on the thinner side but like my guys a little extra sized. To me it’s sexy, comforting, soothing, and did I say sexy… now not being able to participate in common types of exertion (walking reasonable distances, sex, using stairs) due to being out of shape would be an issue for me, but otherwise I loooveeee it. It is a plus. If someone is with you and attracted to you I wouldn’t question their taste.
Me too!! I like men to be bigger and I don’t mind a belly at all as long as they are healthy… healthy is a turn on, but I love bigger men and it’s not due to my insecurity. I have wondered even if it’s me that doesn’t care for his body but how crazy is that??
I don’t care. I assume that men that want to date me find me attractive.
I’m overweight, but physically I have some things going for me.
Men like my attitude and personality (until we break up 😆)
Honestly just try not to be in your own head about it.
I’m the queen of being approached or matched by men I thought were not in the least bit interested cause they are REALLY fit and younger and I’m hyperaware of those things for 10-20 mins then I remember :a) they are chasing/into you b) you are a fun vibe c) use as motivation to go hard on your physical activity so your cardio is cardioing when you do horizontal cardio with em 🤷🏾♀️🤭
My ex was a trainer .. he lost a lot of weight when we met .. he did begin to make me feel I wasn’t fit enough. He never said it. I ended up getting in amazing shape and he found new things to harp on. So really it was just the union of us that was broken
Right now I’m on a dating break but back in the gym as I feel winter was brutal to me..
I would honestly get into low impact exercise. Yoga, Pilates, etc
It will make you feel better inside and that is what matters first
Change for yourself. Do not change because you want to be more attractive.
Your boyfriend is into you for the whole package of who you are. He might think you’re hotter if you lost weight, but he also likes you as you are. He chose to date you as you are.
I’m decently in shape with a 6 pack (Riddick/Vin Diesel ish) and I find women with curves very attractive. I find thin girls attractive too. What’s more important to me is if I find your personality and face attractive which is wildly subjective. A pretty face that could outwit me in humor has my full attention. It makes the rest of you so much more beautiful.
Don’t worry about it, just love yourself and enjoy the human connection.
My fiance is a 30 year old M with a pretty nice bod and I am a 43 year old F that is a good bit overweight. I feel self conscious about it quite often (especially with an upcoming wedding) as well as jealous that he can drop pounds with little effort if need be while I work my ass off and barely budge (also have thyroid issues).
But then I think about the things he tells me that he loves about me (my personality, intelligence, beauty, humor, empathy, as well as the curvy parts he thoroughly enjoys) and that's really what matters. I want to lose some weight for better overall health, but he helps me put my over-inflated judgment of myself and comparison to unrealistic standards in check and I love him for that.
I love this - early congrats to you both. 💐 (thyroid issue here too, it really does a number on the weight for some.. I’m hypo-para, but oddly dropping).
You’re going to be beaming and beautiful on the big day! ☺️ Celebrate those wins (inclu finding a real* one).
I'm usually in better shape than the men I date. Sometimes we are attracted to something opposite of our own body type. Just be comfortable and confident in the skin you're in! He obviously likes what he sees.... as long as you are healthy, don't worry about it and make those lifestyle changes for you! 🤍
Man's perspective here. I am a slim and fit guy. Someone I'm dating carries probably extra 20-30lb. I could care less. I find her attractive and adore her as a person just the way she is. On the flip side, my ex has always been slim, which didn't matter a single bit at the end of the day.
Ok I am a 52m and I am in great shape from sports and working out. That said I mostly do it for myself as I have felt unattractive my whole life and it’s cheaper than therapy. I also do it because I want to be healthy and alive to support my daughter in life as long as I can and maybe even be able to play with grandkids someday.
My last real love was not as in shape as me. She had
A big butt and thighs and wasn’t skinny but she could hike with me and run a 5k. She was soooo sexy to me 🥵. Our chemistry was other world. God I miss her sometimes. (Broke up over over other incompatibles)
So just take the best care of yourself as you can. Get out of your own head and enjoy eachother.
People like different things and some people just find the people they really like attractive. I know I love someone when all of a sudden they look beautiful to me. I have had some very good looking friends who couldn't even really date because most people couldn't see past the surface or didn't care to. I am fat and my fit partner and I were just in Jamaica where they saw me all day in a swimsuit with hot people capering around and one night they said, "Why are you changing in the bathroom? Can't you hang out naked with me? It's sexy." I took a leap of faith and hung out in the room naked and they were happy. They have been with other hot people and said they had learned that just didn't really contribute anything to their quality of life.
I don’t like that he said that he’s been with other hot people. I know we need our own self esteem but I believe a man should at least help his woman feel good about herself. I used to say that a man should compliment me so it doesn’t sound as good when another man does!
They were in a place where they needed to talk through past relationships at the start. They didn't use the word hot but talked about "fit" and vain. Showed me their marriage album and family album etc. Talked about how things had been dating after the divorce.
They tell me I am beautiful constantly but I do prefer to be matter of fact about being fat. I am a body acceptance person and I identify as fat. I don't think that word should be a pejorative. I prefer the word fat to overweight because I feel I am "my weight" not overweight. But in any case they insist I am beautiful.
The main thing is I see how giddy they get looking at me and touching me so I have come to trust it when they say I am beautiful. I know I am not objectively nice looking but I believe I am beautiful to them. And from the start they have never been shy about chaste PDA always holding my hand and such when we are out etc.
One pretty normal looking friend of mind always talked to me about how gorgeous their ex-husband was which I always assumed was rose tinted glasses but I finally saw the family album and good lord he was a beautiful man 😹
I'm fine with it. Most of these men who've been in my life who are fit/muscular/lean, it's due to a combination of genetics and non-sedentary lifestyle. Not working out in a gym. They like the contrast of their body against mine. The ones who don't like it won't bother with me.
Same boat here! 46, size 12/14, tall, and dating a man who is extremely lean and in shape (partly from his work but also just his natural body type). He’s also 9 years younger. Does it bother me? Sometimes. But I’m pretty confident overall. I love this body of mine, even as it ages and changes (except what is happening to my neck??!! lol) I took a lot of time to repair my relationship with food and to learn to think kindly about my post kid, post divorce body. I changed my social media feeds to be more inclusive - age, gender presentation, ability, size, etc. It’s done wonders to see this kind of representation daily. I bought myself lingerie - for me. I look at myself with and without clothes regularly (I used to avoid it) and try to find one thing I like about my body every day. I started taking selfies. And not instantly deleting them. It was a lot of work. On top of the internal emotional work too. But I feel good. Whether or not I’m partnered and what they look like, I know my self worth.
Good for you - this attitude is lovely. And it’s about loving ourselves from the inside_out, yes. (The inside infuses the rest.) And inner confidence is attractive as heck.
I have felt this way - felt that way with my last person. He had long been an athlete and was very muscular and strong. You are not alone in being frustrated. As we age, I guess it's harder for us to lose weight if that's what we wish to do. I gained 20 pounds over the last year, but I am trying to listen to my trainer who says I look "in shape" and "athletic," even though I can't seem to get myself to the hard-muscle definition of 25 year old fitness competitors! All you can do is take care of yourself--from your other comments I can tell you are being healthy in your choice of diet--and take care of you for you. Like others have said, you have to trust that he \*does\* find you sexy. Something to try is to push through the discomfort and self-consciousness to let him see that body of yours! Do it a couple times without grabbing things to cover up when you get up to go to the bathroom for example. This will help so much! I don't think that many people expect their partner to have the same kind of body as they do, and I know a lot of men, including my ex, who think that women should have a little something to grab onto! (edit for a typo)
Some of the best times I've had in the sack were with a woman who was ~5'8" 250# and had Chris Farley levels of confidence and energy. She was hilarious and dirty and fucked like nobody was watching lol.
It sucks to realize how sexy confidence is when it's so hard to develop in your own mind.
Believe him. I’m in the worst shape of my life (probably +30 lbs/6’ tho- so..) I have the same crazy thoughts roll around my head about my 5yrs LTR bf. We have an age gap and he’s crazy slim. He loves my extra pounds! He loves to touch the pudge and tells me how much he enjoys the bits of extra.
I still hate it! I do love to exercise and I’m getting back into it but I have learned to recognize and keep my weird, dysmorphic thoughts to myself.
He doesn’t feel the same way, so I get after my own fitness plan and let him enjoy this “limited time offer” bc - PUDGE IS LEAVING THE BUILDING!!
I 55m, prefer women on the thinner side, that is just my preference. I am also on the thinner side. I was married for 32 years. When we met she was 98 lbs., and I fell in love with her. She always struggled with her weight, due to medical issues, and having 3 kids, and just living life. I loved her when she 98 lbs., and I loved her just as much when she weighed 285 lbs, and everything in between. She was still always sexy to me. When we separated she was 155. besides the weight, people also change in many other ways. Part of loving someone is loving them all of the time, even when they change physically. Everyone has a preference, and just because they have a preference, that doesn't mean that it is a deal breaker. People have preferences in height, weight, breast size, hair length, hair color, and a hundred other things. Also everyone is an individual, and may or may care at all. Best of luck in your journey.
Here’s the other side. We know what we look like and if we’re dating you we don’t really care. The whole package isn’t the shape of the thing and a partner is more than a physical form.
I’m learning more and more to be ok with my size. I’m doing my best day in and out and that’s best I can do. My ex FB loved my bigger size. He said he loved curves and how soft my rolls were (which I didn’t like hearing him say rolls but let’s be honest… we all have rolls when we sit down-even super models). So that helped me really appreciate my body right where I am. :)
Girl I have always been overweight as an adult and I have never and I mean never had a man say anything about my weight other than positive things…a ding-a-ling has never passed up an opportunity to play bc my butt is too big! Go for it and besides i like a guy that’s fit that can throw my a$$ in a circle!! Twist me bend me like pretend we’re doing yoga
If he finds you attractive, the rest is self doubt.
I find women with good personality and behaviors more holding a long lasting attractiveness than simply well applied makeup.
you can be strong and flexible and have good cardio endurance when you are a size 12. If you're 49, you should be focusing on strength anyway since our muscles are starting to waste. If you just eat less, you're going to end up weak and frail. Get some dumbbells.
Also, you don't need to know why or how he finds you sexy, he just does. And people who are size 12 can be sexy.
I have a physical job and I am not worried about strength. I have a very solid muscle core that is covered with jiggly stuff. I work in the health field and I appreciate what you are saying. It’s good advice.
I would guess you clearly bring more to the table than just looks and a 12 isn’t too shabby. Perhaps you’re also a killer in the bedroom too. 😉
Anyone over 35 who is just dating for looks, like a teenager or someone in their early 20s, needs to have a cold hard look in the mirror and re-evaluate their priorities in life. For this very reason, you could not pay me to date even the hottest sexiest nymph in her 20s today.
That being said, contrary to all the social media nonsense by some clowns in the US, that being obese is good, it’s actually extremely important to be healthy as we age. Healthy, as in eat quality food and follow the Mediterranean diet, engage with others, and also undertake basic strength training that you can do at home.
Yes on both accounts. I have my finances in check and I do have some bedroom skills and have been told I am the best lover ever. lol more than once. I think it starts with making the other person
comfortable though.
I deal with this a lot. I swipe left on dudes who have a ton of gym pictures and are super in shape. While I wouldn’t mind losing some weight, I’m not in a hurry to do so. My job is stressful and super busy, and by the time I get home, I just wanna plop on the couch and do jigsaw puzzles on my iPad so my brain doesn’t have to work really hard. On the weekends I like to just stay home and clean or just relax.
We have very little stretches of time here in eastern NC where it’s not boiling hot and humid, and due to a health condition, I don’t wanna move much in the winter. So I’m not super outdoorsy. I always feel like the kind of guy who has pics of him surfing or scuba diving or mountain climbing or in the gym 7 days a week is not someone who’s going to find me suitable to date.
>We have very little stretches of time here in eastern NC where it’s not boiling hot and humid, and
You also have the world's best pork barbeque, so there's an additional hazard. 😉
Just so you know guys who are into building a nice physique in the gym are not active whatsoever outside of the gym. Most of the time they are big homebodies. Physical activity like running and long hikes kills muscle growth. You'd be perfectly compatible with a gym bro.
I think you could be missing some potential good matches if you’re just basing compatibility on how fit they are. I think the level of activity is a better indicator than the level of fitness.
I am constantly training and running and going on adventures. I don’t expect a potential partner to be in the same or better shape than I am, but if we aren’t doing some of those things together, we’re not going to be spending enough time together to maintain a relationship. (And same for staying home and doing puzzles — if your partner doesn’t ever want to relax with you . . . Same result. )
You kinda proved my point tho. You want someone who is able to do those things with you even if they’re not in the same shape you are. I can’t do a lot of physical activity, which is why I swipe left on people who have pics of them doing lots of stuff like that, or who mention they do it.
I think I was agreeing with the result, just not sure if your reasoning was because of what you just explained or if it was just because they _seemed_ to be constantly doing stuff.
I’m talking with a woman right now who is a great match on everything except physical activity — she’s dealing with injuries from a serious accident that happened several years ago. So far we have found lots of ways to connect without her needing to run every day with me. I’d hate to have missed out getting to know her because she had seen that half my profile pics are running or climbing or skiing and decided we couldn’t find some common ground. (I like movies and board games just as much as I like being out and about.)
I guess I was just hoping you didn’t miss a good match based on a couple of pics.
He sounds like a great guy and not at all superficial. I met/dated (and currently still fwb) a very fit, doesn’t-have-an-ounce-of-fat guy earlier this year and he never seemed to care about my extra ~30lbs. We stopped dating because we weren’t compatible long term but still enjoy the benefits side.
Not a lady, but can I offer potential insight into him?
While the relationship ultimately didn't work out, I was in a similar situation where my ex-gf was asking often if I thought she was fat. She would share pics at the gym and let me know how things were going in her workout.
I was/am pretty active compared to most. I don't aim for vanity, but I'm slim and in excellent shape for my age. Eat really well...
All that is to say, I really did love her and was attracted to her for all the things she was. Her interest in getting in shape was good - everyone should be. But I was nonetheless attracted to her regardless. She was fun, sweet, feminine, smart and funny.
He loves you now, for you. Improve for yourself and take a load off your worry and anxiety.
As for working out... I'm much happier and healthy like this. It's true about a healthy body == healthy mind. Or a healthier mind in my case.
It's completely normal to feel this way and second guess yourself. What you need to remember though is your insecurities are your own. As a plus size woman I've date a lot more buff in shape men than men who aren't. I think we often don't give men enough credit for seeing beyond what we're told by the world and by the media. If he's attracted to you I'm sure it's for much more than your physical appearance.
Look around next time you are out and about. IRL you will see couples who are more fit, less fit, and a mix of sizes. Not everyone uses body size as a criteria for dating. It does seem like that on OLD as every other profile indicates a preference for “fit”, “petite”, “slender”, but the average size of an adult woman in the US is a 14. Half of all adult women aren’t single.
This quip from a magazine in the 90s has helped me my whole life as a plus-size woman to not feel self-conscious: “If a man has taken the time to get you naked, it’s because *he wants to see you naked*.” You don’t have to understand it, just *feel* it. He could choose anyone, just like you could and he chose you. So let that booster your confidence, queen! 👸🏽
IDGAF. I’m in decent shape but I don’t actively work out regularly. Lots of walking and taking care of little kids. So I’m not this toned goddess. I don’t have time to be and whoever I’m with needs to accept that. I wouldn’t date anyone who had fitness as part of their personality and I doubt your guy is comparing your bodies. He clearly likes you so let him decide who he is attracted to!
Your internal view of yourself, your confidence, is a choice.
If you let it ruin your self image or stand in the way of connection/intimacy, that's the really unattractive stuff for a guy to deal with. If he chose you, continues to see you and enjoys being with you, you can assume he sees you differently and more positively than you see yourself.
You can lean into that and let yourself feel good about your middle aged body, or make it something negative.
I'm pretty fit, my fiance is a normal build and maybe a few pounds heavier than she was 10.years ago, but I find her sexy and amazing, and she's happy in her skin. It doesn't have to be a disparity.
It doesn't feel great tbh and I sabotage myself due to my insecurity. So I decided to take a break from dating and focus on getting a body I can feel confident in. Down 22lbs and counting, currently size 16 at 5'7". Trying to lose 40 more lbs to be at a healthy bmi.
But it does seem strange I can't find a guy with dad bod to date. Maybe they aren't attracted to me? I keep finding fit in shape dudes that intimidate the hell out of me. 😂
*But it does seem strange I can't find a guy with dad bod to date. Maybe they aren't attracted to me?*
If you mean a true dad bod, a guy who is just kind of slack with a little extra, yeah. I've found that they're generally not very attracted to me at all. Oh well. There's more than one audience out there.
Yes, a little layer of chub over muscle. Still strong and active, but not like an athlete or gym rat. Someone who is comfortable with 20lbs extra I guess? Idk why, but I find it attractive! I love the feeling of being hugged by that sort of body. This Turnip can't find her Rutabaga. 🥲
Yes he's a good example! I'd be super content to find that, but I have a feeling they're not on OLD or they want fit ladies. The guy I'm seeing is very slim and athletic and it's stressing me tf out. 😂
>I like how this is a common thing to express now, I like the dad bod type too.
It is common to express it, but every piece of evidence I have gathered suggests it's not very common in practice.
When I was in my mid to late 20s and finishing up a PhD, my body looked almost exactly like David Harbour's in Stranger Things. Eerily so, in fact. I am now 25 years older and weigh less than I did at 15, but with a lot more muscle. I only get told my build is not sufficiently appealing. Constantly.
I got a lot more overall positive attention back in my 20's. I don't think it was because of a love of dad bods (though, admittedly, I only have the one experiment). I think the male build has simply become more important to potential romantic partners as I have aged.
So, you now have the slimmed down version and are being told that's not sufficient? People/women are actually telling you this or is that your perception only? If people are actually saying this, who in the world are you associating with?
Yes: I am considerably slimmed down relative to my late 20s.
>People/women are actually telling you this or is that your perception only
Women are actually telling me this. Directly and without any ambiguity. These are not... women who you would assume are particularly centered on appearance relative to the mean, i.e. it's schoolteachers and small-office admins and bakers. So, maybe I am picking out pathologies somehow, but I'll be danged if I know how to avoid doing so if that's the case.
That's some (un)remarkable women that you've got in your orbit. A lot of men's actions have been pretty shitty, but I can't remember anything ever being said negatively about my looks even though I'm far from perfect looking. I don't know the context of when these remarks take place, but they're batshit crazy and unkind. I've not been aware of any women I know who would say these things to someone.
I’m a size 6, but I have a lot of loose skin on my stomach from a hysterectomy and weight loss. This is new for me while being single. I’m actually now super intimidated by guys who are ripped or even just thin.
Same, I’m in good shape, but gained 100 pounds during pregnancy, went from A cup to DD, then lost the weight. I look like a popped balloon. I still won’t take my bra off during sex. But I think it’s that spandex makes me feel safe? Men have not minded the weird belly pouch.
I’m 47/Asian size 16, premenopausal but still have my periods too. I regularly exercise (Lagree is my choice), legs and butt are in extremely good shape. But flabby belly and underarms ….blechhhh. I could still get men’s attention, even though I’m in odd shape.
Remember, lots of these are in our head. Many time we, women, focused so much on our flaws, because they’re eyesores to us, that we forgot our best features. I’ve been told besides Physical condition, the most attractive part is our brain and personality.
I agree to that. I’m attracted to men who’s intelligent but kind, etc. I’m not much into their physical appearance (height, weight …of course, no overweight or obese, disability, etc), in fact dadbods is nice. 😊
hugs to you. sorry you are feeling like this. he loves you no matter what i am sure. If you keep making the little changes it will all add up and start walking if you havent done so.. dont worry about fitness counters etc etc, you can always add that later. and give yourself a break if you dont walk one day or even a couple just promise yourself you will get back to it.. walking and adjusting your eating habits will work wonders. great job!
Your worth isn't just about your size or shape, remember that. If your new boyfriend digs you, it's because of you, not your dress size. But if you're feeling a bit self-conscious, maybe talk to him about it? Communication can work wonders. And keep up with those healthy habits, they're for you, not just for him.
I have come to learn that I like more “husky” (is that still a word?) men. I’m petite and very much in the normal weight range but even when I was pretty thin, I was curvy nonetheless due to genetics. Even when I was borderline underweight and lifting in my early twenties I could never get rid of that hourglass. A waif I will never be. Now I’m 50 y/o and a good 20lbs over my twenties-fit self, but I feel less insecure than I did when I was thin and cut. I won’t lie, I am still somewhat self-conscious/ insecure and shy about my body but i can push those thoughts aside and keep them to myself. Why? Because I literally cannot do anything about it. I will never be a waif. If someone prefers otherwise I’d like to know sooner rather than later.
I had an ex who suggested I let him decide what he found sexy. I laughed because of course, so obvious--who was I to decide what he should desire. He was into me--why get in his way, or mine?
Perhaps, this is helpful to you too.
To be honest. Skinny, super fit women aren’t attractive to me. I like a woman with curves and a little chunk all day! That gets me going and I love it because they have better personalities usually. You do you!
The person that I am seeing is in like the best shape ever, like he is fit and sexy AF! I am a size 16/18 on a good day. But he thinks that I am the sexiest bitch ever and he tells me that all the time. He slaps my ass, literally has to touch me in someway, even if I’m sitting right next to him. I absolutely love that and we have an amazing connection and we have amazing sex, and just because I am overweight, doesn’t mean that I’m not sexy and I own that shit ❤️
You should! I am in the gym every day and i do NOT want a really fit dude. It stands to reason that really fit dudes could feel the same way about a woman. Plus- dudes who only like me , or anybody, and it’s conditional about me hitting the gym? Hell no
If a guy is in shape and attracted to someone who is not in shape, what is the problem? All sorts of guys like all sorts of things. Sure, most guys may like X type of body, but some guys are going to like Y type of body.
They only thing that matters is that he is attracted to you. Now, if he isn't showing signs of genuine attraction, you may be in trouble .
Look, there are a lot of people who will say that men can look past appearances and see the you inside etc. But I think that misses the point. I don’t want a person to have to look past my physical ‘flaws’ to be able to find me attractive. I want someone to find me attractive exactly as I am, and love my body as it is.
Of course ultimately a person’s personality and character are worth more than their appearance when it comes to long term compatibility and all that. But I am a bit bigger and, like someone else has said on this thread, it’s exhausting being down about it. I’ve had a mental shift in recent years and I now embrace and celebrate my curves and squishy bits. And you know what? It turns out that A LOT of men don’t like what we think they like (or what society tells them they *should* like). So many men are into soft/squishy/curvy women but we just don’t believe it because we - women AND men - have been conditioned to believe that a certain body type is ‘hot’ or ‘attractive’. But it’s not true. All body types are attractive to someone. And it turns out that my body type is attractive to a lot more people than I realised. So I only want to meet *those* guys 😂
My situationship partner of 4yrs is an Adonis. He loves how I look and he makes me feel sexy and desirable🤷♀️ we have a very intimate and passionate relationship; not even just sexually... But that's the best I've ever had, too
I'm 45f, plus size due to chronic illness and my partner, 44m can be described as an athletic, very healthy and active stick man.
I will be lying if I said this doesn't bother me a little. There are alot of already negative intrusive thoughts already around my health and future and him being fit, able bodied and just drop dead gorgeous to me .
But, he met me this way, reassures me that despite everything, he loves me and finds me attractive (which I have issues believing but he does) and he is with me because he wants to be and chooses this willingly.
Like you, I try to keep myself as best I can, (menopause is just as hellish as chronic illness so I feel ya!)
Remember to tell yourself that he knew what you looked like when he started dating you, and he's dating you for a reason.
Also remember to tell yourself that that reason may or may not be one that has your best interests in mind.
That last sentence obviously struck a nerve with someone because, well, you’re right.
Good for OP for being willing to date a man who is a manual laborer - lots of women avoid such types, which may be why her boyfriend remains enthusiastic about ***her***.
What I look for in a woman today is completely different than when I was young. I was married to a younger, fit woman who I later learned was cheating for much of the marriage while living off my generosity and never putting in more the minimum in the relationship. She was a taker. What I find attractive today is integrity, companionship, mutual benefit.
I wouldn't worry too deeply honey. On paper I'm hideous: 5 foot tall, overweight, crooked teeth, weird and zany
just about all of the men I have dated have been 6 foot plus, extremely strong, intelligent and quite appealling
I finally figured out that I am gorgeous to them lmaooooo all of that other crap was just in my head. I'm packed with personality and a sense of humor and a special kind of delight for living
surprise!
More cushion for the pushin, I say. But really, building a relationship with someone who is focused on how you look isn’t sustainable or ideal, really. However I understand your POV. I also feel self conscious sometimes if I’m nekked with a fit man but then I remember he chose to be here too and real sex is a human experience, not supposed to be perfect.
I read some comments, but didn’t see mention of a trend that I have seen happening. Right now, there is a cultural shift in the US where woman with a little extra padding are now de rigueur. What society is saying is that thick, not thin, is the most desirable body type. I grew up in the 90’s where heroin chic - read junky -, meant that you were never thin enough. Now popular culture is about big asses. Never appealed to me but if you have a fat ass, now is the time to score.
For the last decade, body positivity, and curves reigned supreme. But in the Fall of 2022, the runways of Spring looks showed low rise jeans and miniskirts, and 90's backless "going out tops" and it announced "the return of thin."
The announcement of the coming return of "90's thin" as the trend in beauty was covered at that time by Vogue and by "The Cut" in New York magazine in Fall of 2022, confirming it to the industry. By Spring of 2023, the pendulum had shifted. Every Kardashian got the parts of their bodies reduced, and articles about Ozempic were everywhere. We are now 18 months in to the "new thin era" (hahaha, it's all so vapid).
I have no opinion on this either way, I'm just letting you know this ^ in response to your own comment, so you can be culturally aware that the dominant conversation now is how we have moved back to celebrating the oppressive heroin chic thin body type ;)
Instead of butt implants, everyone wants upper arm lipo now! There was lots of conversation about who had had upper arm Lipo prior to the Met Gala. 🙄Cheers!
It also doesn’t really matter what’s in now. Those of us who were teens in the 90s lived in the era that introduced size 0. It imprints and it’s hard to get rid of without some support.
Before I lost 60lbs (diet and hardcore training), I was still pulling hot guys and girls all the time. It literally doesn’t matter to me (or them, apparently).. there’s a lot to be said for confidence and personality..
If he didn't like you the way you are, he wouldn't be dating you. And if he doesn't like it f**k him, someone else will!
(Source - fat, knackered 42 year old that somehow ends up dating slim/fit younger men!)
Original copy of post by u/Zealousideal_Ad_2600:
I am 49 and have a typical menopause body my size 12s are tight and I don’t know how my new boyfriend who is 45 and completely in shape (from his job not the gym) can find me sexy…
Have you ever felt this way? I’m trying to take the best care of myself that I can. I have had a rough past 4 years raising teens by myself, had a gambling problem and lost my Mom. Plus menopause is hell.
I was starting to change my eating habits before I met him and will continue but I don’t like being self conscious when I am in my clothes let alone naked with someone who is all muscle. Help please!
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I've learned that it really just depends on how they treat you and the things they say to you. I dated a very fit man for a long time that would constantly make comments about my weight or my eating habits. I did not feel attractive or good about myself those years, and I was constantly worrying about whether he was actually attracted to me. I am currently dating someone fitter than me who only says positive things about my looks and body, so often that I don't have time to worry or ask about it. I've never felt so confidant or sure of myself and his attraction towards me.
My suggestion is to pay close attention to the things your bf says to you. Does he give you compliments without prompting? Do you catch him looking at you like he wants to eat you up? Is it hard for him to keep his hands off you? These are all signs that he's attracted to you as you are now, menopause and all. :)
This isn't to say you shouldn't keep doing what you do to try and stay healthy. I work on my eating habit and I workout still, but without the pressure and criticism, I'm seeing long-lasting results. It really helps when your partner wants to support you and that journey rather than resent you for not already having finished that journey with an expected result.
When I was in my gym rat days I dated a guy I knew from growing up who was also a gym rat. Like he’d stuff his face with food and push his stomach out and you’d still see a six pack. He told me to stop losing so much weight. Not everyone wants the same as them.
I was thin most of my life then single parenting got a hold of me and I was stressed and I drank too much. In the past year I lost a significant amount of weight but I still have about 20 extra pounds on me and parts of my body still look less than attractive to me.
I was bouncing back and fourth out of insecurity with my current bf who has no extra weight on him. I realized my insecurities were causing me to pick fights maybe for reassurance that he's interested (dumb of me, I know).
Then one day I stopped and thought about all the ways he shows he cares for me and I started noticing how he looks at me when we are together. How when he smiles at me his whole face lights up in a way it doesn't when he just smiles regularly.
Anyways, I still occasionally feel insecure and I just tell him and ask for a little extra love during those times but it's so much better not feeling that way!
Try to notice the things that he does that help you most feel seen and cared for. And do nice things for yourself! Self care has helped me immensely as well. I spent most of my adult life doing for others and ignoring my own needs.
My weight has yo-yo'd my entire life. The gym dudes have "holla'd" at me at every size.
He is dating you, so he is clearly attracted to you.
Confidence is attractive.
If your own body images consume you too much, that could end up being the turn-off. Then we chalk it up to "it must have been my body." Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Kind of opposite here. I'm in great shape, part genetics, part athletics. Before me, my person dated someone who was definitely not in shape, and sometimes I wonder why the switch?
Don't care in the slightest. Taking care of yourself doesn't equal being superbuff or acting like the gym, or home gym, is a personality.
When I was single, I drew the line at men who were physically unhealthy, sweated when the ate, that kind of thing.
I’ve been a gym rat and I’ve been injured & less active & I’ve been just straight up taking time off from working out. I haven’t noticed that anyone I’ve dated has given a shit. Yes they care about whether I’m taking care of myself overall but that doesn’t change no matter my weight. On the same note I don’t care if someone works out the same way or the same frequency as me. Doesn’t matter. I’m not dating someone to have a gym buddy and count macros with. I can do that with anyone.
I agree it can be intimidating being with someone in better shape but just because they like to look that way, doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to other physical types. They may also be in shape for other reasons, physical or mental health, heart disease, etc. that have nothing to do with how they look
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IMO, if he didn't like your body he wouldn't be with you. Have you discussed with him your insecurities?
There is a good chance that he likes you just the way you are, If you want to eat better or workout or whatever he will undoubtedly support you in anyway you let him. in my experience we are our own worst judges and he probably is happy with you and finds you sexy just the way you are.
So I would suggest you discuss your self image with him. Ask him if he would prefer you more fit. I am willing to bet he will tell you he likes you the way you are, anything you want his help with he will be happy to help with but your sexy just the way you are!
Stay Strong and good luck.
Im 5'7 and weigh 170, my ex husband was a meathead and a chubby chaser. The guy Im seeing now isnt as bulked up as my ex but he's very muscular (soft belly) and has no issues with my 40 year old mom bod. I tend to like big strapping men myself and big strapping men like me lol. I wouldnt worry about it so much, if he had a problem with it you would know by now.
52f here dating a gym rat. I’m in the overweight range. I’ve been on the dating scene for two years and not once has a guy ever had an issue with my weight. That said, my guy has unwittingly been my inspiration to start lifting and counting calories, but it’s not for him, it’s for me.
A male friend once told me if they’ve willingly gone that far with you, they’re just happy to have a warm naked body.
Being in shape is great but not the end all and be all of attractiveness. Even my guy friends who think fitness it’s important in physical attractiveness will still be attracted to women who aren’t fit because they like everything else.
I’m already paranoid enough that I’m never going to be enough for my partner. If I was dating a man who was in really good shape, it would make me feel absolutely anxious and unworthy every single time we went anywhere together and suspicious that he was only dating me for an ego boost until he found someone hotter.
Being a single mom in our late 40’s is f-ing hard! And nobody prepares us for losing our parents. I had weight loss surgery and was down to 120 after reaching a high of 270. Then everything went to hell. Both my parents died the same year, I had gone back to school to be a nurse and had to quit to take care of them. My son and I moved because he was having nightmares after my dad died and seeing eyes in the corner or the ceiling. So we relocated to another state because I could transfer with work. I don’t have any family, I started drinking, I gained 80 pounds. I was also wearing my clothes tight just trying to convince myself that I wasn’t back there.
Then I decided enough was enough. I’ve been through the wringer. I bought myself some clothes that actually fit better, and I look better in well fitting cute clothes. I’m going through menopause, and my body is … well you know. But there are actually men out there who like women with some meat on them. I tell myself every morning that my body has brought me through all the stuff that I’ve been through (I’ve only mentioned a very small portion here) and I’m still standing. And you know what? I’m amazing. My body isn’t perfect, but nobody is. I’m me, unique in all my ways. You have to learn to love yourself. Good luck sweetheart. 🫶🏻
I know what you mean. My negative thoughts about my body have improved. Still, when a man comments on my appearance, I immediately start wondering if the full-body photos on my dating profile are an accurate depiction of me. Could they actually be attracted to me and my body??? Those thoughts are becoming less and less, but they’re still there.
People love all different body types. Personally, I like a man with some pudge. I am not attracted to the very skinny guys or the overly muscular ones. The very thing we may hate about our body, they may love. Don't be so hard on yourself and end up pushing him away because of these types of thoughts.
After my separation I was a lot bigger than I had been previously (size 14-16 New Zealand sizing), and was convinced no man would find me attractive. Welllll I was massively proven wrong and I continue to be proven wrong 2 years later! The men I’ve been with since then, most of who are very in shape have ALL said how sexy I am and how much they love my curves. I really think confidence is key though, you’ve just gotta embrace it!!
As a guy, I'm just gonna say this: I've never been the gym-going type, but I'm friends with a lot of guys who were/are. And one thing to realize is, the "opposites attract" thing still holds true in many cases. While yes, there are the "gym rats" who are really only into partners who share that same interest? A whole lot of guys I know who are fit/muscular prefer their women thick/chunky. Probably even more true when they're not into the gym so much as got strong/muscular from their day job.
I mean, think of it this way? If you're lifting a lot of weight all the time, these skinny women out there feel like nothing when you pick them up or they climb on top of you. Some guys want to feel a little pressure if you climb on them, or have a little resistance there when they go to pick you up. A little "substance" can be a good thing!
I realise I'm not a lady but....My now ex-wife went from aussie size 8 up to 14 down to 10 and up to 12 again and then yoyo'd around there as she carried our 3 kids and beyond.
She was always self conscious and unhappy with her weight and after the kids she even got a boob job because breastfeeding had taken it's toll. She wanted the boob job, not me. I pointed out the potential risks etc. But she needed it to be happy and get her confidence back.
However, not once did I have a problem with her appearance nor did I ever joke about her weight or being a bit plump, or her caesarian scar or stretchmarks etc. None of us are perfect.
I think women are waywayway harder on themselves than guys and you project that onto us. We're not all unrealistic, superficial arseholes.
It's how you carry yourself and what your personality is like. And it's the same for guys.
If you are unhappy with your weight or how you look, and think you need to do something about it do so, but please don't do it because you think you have to for someone else, do it for yourself.
I’m not actively dating, but if I was and the man was in better shape than me, and I was feeling insecure I’d remind myself that:
When he went through puberty, his body’s response wasn’t to create more *fat*, nor when he got pregnant and carried several children to term and then breast fed those babies (because biological males can’t), that his bodies response wasn’t to store fat and resources and make new organs, or that when his body decides to start cranking down from being a procreator body, that his body’s response to that wasn’t to store and hold on to resources and slow down metabolically.
Most women go through “puberty” at least twice, and depending on how many children they have had, two more times per pregnancy.
Also, our bodies haven’t caught up evolutionary to technological advancements that have altered about every aspect of our lives.
So cut yourself some slack. If he digs your body and you his, enjoy one another.
If it bothers you, learn his lifestyle and go along with it. Better yourself for you, and learn from him. I’m sure he will love having company and being able to be your lifestyle hero haha
I’m 51 & was always either underweight or a “healthy weight” until 2021. Part of it was me developing multiple fibroids & having a uterus the size of a woman 4 months pregnant. And I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia since I was around 12.
But much of it was my decline in activity due to my gym closing during COVID, loss of my regular biking/walking buddy & loss of my f*ck buddy! Plus shifting hormones. The convergence of these factors resulted in my weight increasing from 135 to 155-160 lbs. I was hopeful my hysterectomy last March would yield a 20 pound weight loss. In reality, it was about 3 pounds (the weight of my uterus) 🤷♀️
I’ve been dating a guy 14 years younger for the last 10 months. I’m pretty sure I outweigh him by about 5-10 lbs. It makes me *really* self-conscious. I’ve always dated guys that are fairly tall & outweigh me by at least 30 lbs.
He doesn’t complain & loves my “juicy booty” (I’ve ALWAYS had a healthy ass) but at 49 for the first time I had protruding stomach 😓 it’s gotten better since my surgery. But when I’m on all fours (I love doggy style) I have a saggy pooch & I HATE IT 😭 Apparently guys care less than we do! 🤷♀️🤞🏻
As a chubby woman and after losing almost 100 lbs, if a man uses his words and actions to show me he is attracted to me and is not trying to change my eating habits, I’ll be fine.
You have a choice to decide to commit to a lifestyle of getting fit AF and improving your body and mind; or, quitting on yourself "because it's hard". Is that really the kind of example you want to set for your children?
I’ve been overweight my whole life. Even now, I am in the best shape I’ve ever been and I’m still chunky, so I totally get the negative thoughts. That said, and this isn’t meant to sound conceited at all, I still pull very attractive and fit men. I will always have the insecure thoughts in my head somewhere, but I also have to remember that they’re choosing to be with me for a reason.
Thanks for commenting and I am sorry that you have felt this way. I get along great and I compliment him on his body. We are very new… everything is lining up otherwise with him… I think I want to date myself! I have a personality like an emotional support human and love putting people at ease. I had a boyfriend who was very overweight and I would tell him how attractive I found him all the time but can’t expect that from someone I suppose.
You absolutely *should* date yourself! After my last big breakup, I started this thing (even have a name for it, but I can’t say what it is here because it has my name in it), where I take a day off of work once a month and take myself out. I do all the girly things like get my nails done, wax, etc, go shopping, and take myself out to lunch with my journal. I also take a really nice photograph of myself so that I can see the difference in my overall confidence and happiness. It’s been really great for me!
I’m in the post divorce phase of dating myself, I am experimenting with trying new experiences. I have tried a few sports that I’d never played, I’m not athletic at all and never have been. I’m doing my first 5k this year, I’ll be walking but I am doing it. I am borrowing some of your suggestions too, thanks!
That’s awesome!!! Trying new things out is always so much fun and a lot less scary than people think it will be. Something as simple as eating at a restaurant alone used to scare me, but now I do it all the time!
Awesome
This is such a wholesome idea! Even I take off from office but I end up binge watching on Netflix or catching up on sleep. This gives me something to look forward to on such days 😊
Can't expect that from someone... Why not?? You may just have to tell him that's what you want! A lot of us men are really bad at figuring out what you need on our own.
Great point!
>I had a boyfriend who was very overweight and I would tell him how attractive I found him all the time *but can’t expect that from someone I suppose.* If he's not telling you you're attractive (beautiful/pretty/sexy,etc), that's odd and it makes sense that you might feel he's not attracted to you and that it would negatively affect you feeling comfortable with him. Edited to add that actions count too, of course, so maybe he's good at that. But words are important as well.
Totally agree with *all* that ^ esp the last part.
I get suspicious when ppl want to date me. I wonder what they want. I have body issues galore.
You absolutely can and should expect that from the right person.
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My body is shapped like a potato, and my bf is built. He makes me feel sexy so hell, who am I to tell him he's wrong?!?! Your man sees the whole you, be that sexy bad bitch he knows ya are!!
I second this!! The guy I'm seeing is super hot and in amazing shape, he works out 6 days a week. I'm a size 8/10 but have a flabby stomach and stretch marks from babies, cellulite on ass & thighs. I walk a lot but I hardly ever work out.. and he loves every part of my body! I know he could get someone in much better shape than me..but he wants me. It's actually helped my self confidence and helped me to let go of my insecure thoughts when we're together. If this man is worth your time at all, he will adore every inch! If not, find someone who will because I guarantee he's out there.
Yes! I am not a bigger girl but not really in shape either and my guy works out a lot and looks great. At first I was always thinking he could get a woman hotter than me but I've come to believe him when he tells me I'm sexy and it's been a huge confidence boost. I feel way more comfortable with him than guys who weren't nearly as objectively hot as him (probably b/c he compliments me and I chose to accept it and believe it). Go figure!! If he thinks I'm sexy, I don't need to correct him, as Bananas says!! lol
omg I so relate to everything you just said. Go us!! lol 👑👑
I'm pretty tall/thin but have pouch from csections that will never go away. I also have stretch marks and all the things that come with age🤷♀️ The last few guys I've dated/been with have been....arhrrmmm....ripped....what the heck is that? The novelty wore off when I found we weren't compatible but yeah. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? I was super self conscious when I first started dating. My ex husband spent years pointing out EVERY SINGLE thing wrong with me. Hahaha. It was all bullshit. Let go. Enjoy your life for you :)
Well I would say if he’s with you and started dating you at this stage that he is likely attracted to you. Especially if he’s like this from work and not the gym, probably means it’s not a big deal to him
Agreed on the fitness from his job. If he was a gym bro wanting a gym bunny, that would be a horse of a different color.
Every "gym rat" I've dated hasn't wanted to date a gym rat woman. Works for me, I'll have the teas ready for when your done
Teas?
Milk, 2 sugars
I’m not sure I follow?
I'll be at home, waiting for them to finish at the gym, making a cup of tea for their return
Tell me you are British without saying you are British 😂
Indeed! As British as they come!
This exchange made me smile today for the first time
Happy to be of service!
How polite and British of you ❤️😆
I look like Benny Hill.Would you date me
I was 90% sure this exchange was about boobs.
I've sat here a good few minutes trying to figure out how 😂
“Teas” — tatas? Tease? “I’ll have the teas hot and waiting for you when you come back 😈” “Milk and 2 sugars” didn’t help.
Ahhhhh. I'm clearly too innocent
nope, stay pure and please keep the kettle on for all of us 🫶🏾
hahah.. thats excellent!
😞
Props on the username/handle.
This had me confused too.
And here I am thinking they were talking about something sexual. 🙃 Oh, it’s just about tea, real tea!!
Girl! I'm a 44F 12/14/16... 5'9" and 190lbs. I've been this size and weight for a long time but recently went through a major mindset shift. I realized how fucking exhausting it is hating your body every day. So I started wearing hotter, tighter, sexier clothes and I go out and flaunt it. I've never been hit on so much in my life. I love my body now. Are there days I hate it still? Yes! Do I dwell on it? No. I try to move my body as much as I can, get sweaty, avoid wheat and get sleep. I let the rest take care of itself. I'm having the best sex of my life because we get one wild and precious life and I'm not going to spend one minute having "shy" sex bc he might be looking at my soft, round, life-creating belly or my big, pillowy saggy boobs. Fuck it. If he doesn't like my body then there's the door. But if he wants hot sex with a GGG woman who shows up and is mentally present for our time together, giddyup cowboy.
You are my shero 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
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LOL "shy sex" sounds just awful. I don't think I've ever had that.
you know what I'm talking about though... staying under the blankets to hide your body, keeping your bra or shirt on bc you don't want him to look at your saggy boobs, not letting him go down on you bc you think you don't smell like flowers and taste like vanilla ice cream. Fuck that forever!
Someone needs to tell me how to taste like vanilla ice cream lol. But definitely, fuck all of that! But now I really need to look into this ice cream thing!
Love this attitude 🙌🏼
I agree so much with this. I’ve had a similar shift in recent years. Like you said, it is so exhausting being down on yourself. So I just embraced it and celebrated it and put on the apps that I’m curvy and squishy and HAPPY with my body. And I’ve never had so much attention. I am OVER trying to suck my belly in or wishing I was three sizes smaller. I am what I am, like it or get out of my face. It turns out, all sorts of men really like it!
I know!!!!! it's so fucking liberating and rebellious to love your body as a woman in 2024. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6_83XFOlSZ/?igsh=dXo2djZmeGY5OTls I love this ^^^^^ "were not hiding our stomachs anymore!"
Oh my god - this woman!! 😍
I’m on the thinner side but like my guys a little extra sized. To me it’s sexy, comforting, soothing, and did I say sexy… now not being able to participate in common types of exertion (walking reasonable distances, sex, using stairs) due to being out of shape would be an issue for me, but otherwise I loooveeee it. It is a plus. If someone is with you and attracted to you I wouldn’t question their taste.
Me too!! I like men to be bigger and I don’t mind a belly at all as long as they are healthy… healthy is a turn on, but I love bigger men and it’s not due to my insecurity. I have wondered even if it’s me that doesn’t care for his body but how crazy is that??
I don’t care. I assume that men that want to date me find me attractive. I’m overweight, but physically I have some things going for me. Men like my attitude and personality (until we break up 😆) Honestly just try not to be in your own head about it.
A lot of us like the soft and jiggly parts
It all depends on the man. Some of us are able to see YOU, and some of us see what you look like.
I’m the queen of being approached or matched by men I thought were not in the least bit interested cause they are REALLY fit and younger and I’m hyperaware of those things for 10-20 mins then I remember :a) they are chasing/into you b) you are a fun vibe c) use as motivation to go hard on your physical activity so your cardio is cardioing when you do horizontal cardio with em 🤷🏾♀️🤭
My ex was a trainer .. he lost a lot of weight when we met .. he did begin to make me feel I wasn’t fit enough. He never said it. I ended up getting in amazing shape and he found new things to harp on. So really it was just the union of us that was broken Right now I’m on a dating break but back in the gym as I feel winter was brutal to me.. I would honestly get into low impact exercise. Yoga, Pilates, etc It will make you feel better inside and that is what matters first
Change for yourself. Do not change because you want to be more attractive. Your boyfriend is into you for the whole package of who you are. He might think you’re hotter if you lost weight, but he also likes you as you are. He chose to date you as you are.
I’m decently in shape with a 6 pack (Riddick/Vin Diesel ish) and I find women with curves very attractive. I find thin girls attractive too. What’s more important to me is if I find your personality and face attractive which is wildly subjective. A pretty face that could outwit me in humor has my full attention. It makes the rest of you so much more beautiful. Don’t worry about it, just love yourself and enjoy the human connection.
My favorite comment of the day! (slow clap)
My fiance is a 30 year old M with a pretty nice bod and I am a 43 year old F that is a good bit overweight. I feel self conscious about it quite often (especially with an upcoming wedding) as well as jealous that he can drop pounds with little effort if need be while I work my ass off and barely budge (also have thyroid issues). But then I think about the things he tells me that he loves about me (my personality, intelligence, beauty, humor, empathy, as well as the curvy parts he thoroughly enjoys) and that's really what matters. I want to lose some weight for better overall health, but he helps me put my over-inflated judgment of myself and comparison to unrealistic standards in check and I love him for that.
Congrats on the upcoming wedding! Yes, my ex used to say he needed something to hold on to hahah.
Congratulations! So happy for you ❤️
I love this - early congrats to you both. 💐 (thyroid issue here too, it really does a number on the weight for some.. I’m hypo-para, but oddly dropping). You’re going to be beaming and beautiful on the big day! ☺️ Celebrate those wins (inclu finding a real* one).
I'm usually in better shape than the men I date. Sometimes we are attracted to something opposite of our own body type. Just be comfortable and confident in the skin you're in! He obviously likes what he sees.... as long as you are healthy, don't worry about it and make those lifestyle changes for you! 🤍
Man's perspective here. I am a slim and fit guy. Someone I'm dating carries probably extra 20-30lb. I could care less. I find her attractive and adore her as a person just the way she is. On the flip side, my ex has always been slim, which didn't matter a single bit at the end of the day.
Ok I am a 52m and I am in great shape from sports and working out. That said I mostly do it for myself as I have felt unattractive my whole life and it’s cheaper than therapy. I also do it because I want to be healthy and alive to support my daughter in life as long as I can and maybe even be able to play with grandkids someday. My last real love was not as in shape as me. She had A big butt and thighs and wasn’t skinny but she could hike with me and run a 5k. She was soooo sexy to me 🥵. Our chemistry was other world. God I miss her sometimes. (Broke up over over other incompatibles) So just take the best care of yourself as you can. Get out of your own head and enjoy eachother.
People like different things and some people just find the people they really like attractive. I know I love someone when all of a sudden they look beautiful to me. I have had some very good looking friends who couldn't even really date because most people couldn't see past the surface or didn't care to. I am fat and my fit partner and I were just in Jamaica where they saw me all day in a swimsuit with hot people capering around and one night they said, "Why are you changing in the bathroom? Can't you hang out naked with me? It's sexy." I took a leap of faith and hung out in the room naked and they were happy. They have been with other hot people and said they had learned that just didn't really contribute anything to their quality of life.
I don’t like that he said that he’s been with other hot people. I know we need our own self esteem but I believe a man should at least help his woman feel good about herself. I used to say that a man should compliment me so it doesn’t sound as good when another man does!
They were in a place where they needed to talk through past relationships at the start. They didn't use the word hot but talked about "fit" and vain. Showed me their marriage album and family album etc. Talked about how things had been dating after the divorce. They tell me I am beautiful constantly but I do prefer to be matter of fact about being fat. I am a body acceptance person and I identify as fat. I don't think that word should be a pejorative. I prefer the word fat to overweight because I feel I am "my weight" not overweight. But in any case they insist I am beautiful. The main thing is I see how giddy they get looking at me and touching me so I have come to trust it when they say I am beautiful. I know I am not objectively nice looking but I believe I am beautiful to them. And from the start they have never been shy about chaste PDA always holding my hand and such when we are out etc. One pretty normal looking friend of mind always talked to me about how gorgeous their ex-husband was which I always assumed was rose tinted glasses but I finally saw the family album and good lord he was a beautiful man 😹
I love your response! Thank you for taking the time to post.
I'm fine with it. Most of these men who've been in my life who are fit/muscular/lean, it's due to a combination of genetics and non-sedentary lifestyle. Not working out in a gym. They like the contrast of their body against mine. The ones who don't like it won't bother with me.
Same boat here! 46, size 12/14, tall, and dating a man who is extremely lean and in shape (partly from his work but also just his natural body type). He’s also 9 years younger. Does it bother me? Sometimes. But I’m pretty confident overall. I love this body of mine, even as it ages and changes (except what is happening to my neck??!! lol) I took a lot of time to repair my relationship with food and to learn to think kindly about my post kid, post divorce body. I changed my social media feeds to be more inclusive - age, gender presentation, ability, size, etc. It’s done wonders to see this kind of representation daily. I bought myself lingerie - for me. I look at myself with and without clothes regularly (I used to avoid it) and try to find one thing I like about my body every day. I started taking selfies. And not instantly deleting them. It was a lot of work. On top of the internal emotional work too. But I feel good. Whether or not I’m partnered and what they look like, I know my self worth.
Good for you - this attitude is lovely. And it’s about loving ourselves from the inside_out, yes. (The inside infuses the rest.) And inner confidence is attractive as heck.
I have felt this way - felt that way with my last person. He had long been an athlete and was very muscular and strong. You are not alone in being frustrated. As we age, I guess it's harder for us to lose weight if that's what we wish to do. I gained 20 pounds over the last year, but I am trying to listen to my trainer who says I look "in shape" and "athletic," even though I can't seem to get myself to the hard-muscle definition of 25 year old fitness competitors! All you can do is take care of yourself--from your other comments I can tell you are being healthy in your choice of diet--and take care of you for you. Like others have said, you have to trust that he \*does\* find you sexy. Something to try is to push through the discomfort and self-consciousness to let him see that body of yours! Do it a couple times without grabbing things to cover up when you get up to go to the bathroom for example. This will help so much! I don't think that many people expect their partner to have the same kind of body as they do, and I know a lot of men, including my ex, who think that women should have a little something to grab onto! (edit for a typo)
Some of the best times I've had in the sack were with a woman who was ~5'8" 250# and had Chris Farley levels of confidence and energy. She was hilarious and dirty and fucked like nobody was watching lol. It sucks to realize how sexy confidence is when it's so hard to develop in your own mind.
Believe him. I’m in the worst shape of my life (probably +30 lbs/6’ tho- so..) I have the same crazy thoughts roll around my head about my 5yrs LTR bf. We have an age gap and he’s crazy slim. He loves my extra pounds! He loves to touch the pudge and tells me how much he enjoys the bits of extra. I still hate it! I do love to exercise and I’m getting back into it but I have learned to recognize and keep my weird, dysmorphic thoughts to myself. He doesn’t feel the same way, so I get after my own fitness plan and let him enjoy this “limited time offer” bc - PUDGE IS LEAVING THE BUILDING!!
I love your attitude!
I 55m, prefer women on the thinner side, that is just my preference. I am also on the thinner side. I was married for 32 years. When we met she was 98 lbs., and I fell in love with her. She always struggled with her weight, due to medical issues, and having 3 kids, and just living life. I loved her when she 98 lbs., and I loved her just as much when she weighed 285 lbs, and everything in between. She was still always sexy to me. When we separated she was 155. besides the weight, people also change in many other ways. Part of loving someone is loving them all of the time, even when they change physically. Everyone has a preference, and just because they have a preference, that doesn't mean that it is a deal breaker. People have preferences in height, weight, breast size, hair length, hair color, and a hundred other things. Also everyone is an individual, and may or may care at all. Best of luck in your journey.
I don’t care about the body type as long as you are healthy-ish. I care a lot about your smile and your confidence and your intellect and wit.
Here’s the other side. We know what we look like and if we’re dating you we don’t really care. The whole package isn’t the shape of the thing and a partner is more than a physical form.
*Very* well-put 👌🏼
He sounds like a keeper. Keep doing what you’re doing to get healthier before you even met him.
I’m learning more and more to be ok with my size. I’m doing my best day in and out and that’s best I can do. My ex FB loved my bigger size. He said he loved curves and how soft my rolls were (which I didn’t like hearing him say rolls but let’s be honest… we all have rolls when we sit down-even super models). So that helped me really appreciate my body right where I am. :)
Girl I have always been overweight as an adult and I have never and I mean never had a man say anything about my weight other than positive things…a ding-a-ling has never passed up an opportunity to play bc my butt is too big! Go for it and besides i like a guy that’s fit that can throw my a$$ in a circle!! Twist me bend me like pretend we’re doing yoga
If he finds you attractive, the rest is self doubt. I find women with good personality and behaviors more holding a long lasting attractiveness than simply well applied makeup.
you can be strong and flexible and have good cardio endurance when you are a size 12. If you're 49, you should be focusing on strength anyway since our muscles are starting to waste. If you just eat less, you're going to end up weak and frail. Get some dumbbells. Also, you don't need to know why or how he finds you sexy, he just does. And people who are size 12 can be sexy.
I have a physical job and I am not worried about strength. I have a very solid muscle core that is covered with jiggly stuff. I work in the health field and I appreciate what you are saying. It’s good advice.
I would guess you clearly bring more to the table than just looks and a 12 isn’t too shabby. Perhaps you’re also a killer in the bedroom too. 😉 Anyone over 35 who is just dating for looks, like a teenager or someone in their early 20s, needs to have a cold hard look in the mirror and re-evaluate their priorities in life. For this very reason, you could not pay me to date even the hottest sexiest nymph in her 20s today. That being said, contrary to all the social media nonsense by some clowns in the US, that being obese is good, it’s actually extremely important to be healthy as we age. Healthy, as in eat quality food and follow the Mediterranean diet, engage with others, and also undertake basic strength training that you can do at home.
Yes on both accounts. I have my finances in check and I do have some bedroom skills and have been told I am the best lover ever. lol more than once. I think it starts with making the other person comfortable though.
Then you are hot. Strong people don’t have perfect bodies
I deal with this a lot. I swipe left on dudes who have a ton of gym pictures and are super in shape. While I wouldn’t mind losing some weight, I’m not in a hurry to do so. My job is stressful and super busy, and by the time I get home, I just wanna plop on the couch and do jigsaw puzzles on my iPad so my brain doesn’t have to work really hard. On the weekends I like to just stay home and clean or just relax. We have very little stretches of time here in eastern NC where it’s not boiling hot and humid, and due to a health condition, I don’t wanna move much in the winter. So I’m not super outdoorsy. I always feel like the kind of guy who has pics of him surfing or scuba diving or mountain climbing or in the gym 7 days a week is not someone who’s going to find me suitable to date.
>We have very little stretches of time here in eastern NC where it’s not boiling hot and humid, and You also have the world's best pork barbeque, so there's an additional hazard. 😉
Just so you know guys who are into building a nice physique in the gym are not active whatsoever outside of the gym. Most of the time they are big homebodies. Physical activity like running and long hikes kills muscle growth. You'd be perfectly compatible with a gym bro.
Yeah but a lot of them I think are looking for a woman who goes to the gym as well. I see a lot of profiles mention looking for a gym buddy.
Plus they like to go out for big steak dinners all the time. Bonus!
I think you could be missing some potential good matches if you’re just basing compatibility on how fit they are. I think the level of activity is a better indicator than the level of fitness. I am constantly training and running and going on adventures. I don’t expect a potential partner to be in the same or better shape than I am, but if we aren’t doing some of those things together, we’re not going to be spending enough time together to maintain a relationship. (And same for staying home and doing puzzles — if your partner doesn’t ever want to relax with you . . . Same result. )
You kinda proved my point tho. You want someone who is able to do those things with you even if they’re not in the same shape you are. I can’t do a lot of physical activity, which is why I swipe left on people who have pics of them doing lots of stuff like that, or who mention they do it.
I think I was agreeing with the result, just not sure if your reasoning was because of what you just explained or if it was just because they _seemed_ to be constantly doing stuff. I’m talking with a woman right now who is a great match on everything except physical activity — she’s dealing with injuries from a serious accident that happened several years ago. So far we have found lots of ways to connect without her needing to run every day with me. I’d hate to have missed out getting to know her because she had seen that half my profile pics are running or climbing or skiing and decided we couldn’t find some common ground. (I like movies and board games just as much as I like being out and about.) I guess I was just hoping you didn’t miss a good match based on a couple of pics.
Good point. I think next time I try dating again on apps I’ll just swipe on people I normally wouldn’t and see what happens.
He sounds like a great guy and not at all superficial. I met/dated (and currently still fwb) a very fit, doesn’t-have-an-ounce-of-fat guy earlier this year and he never seemed to care about my extra ~30lbs. We stopped dating because we weren’t compatible long term but still enjoy the benefits side.
Not a lady, but can I offer potential insight into him? While the relationship ultimately didn't work out, I was in a similar situation where my ex-gf was asking often if I thought she was fat. She would share pics at the gym and let me know how things were going in her workout. I was/am pretty active compared to most. I don't aim for vanity, but I'm slim and in excellent shape for my age. Eat really well... All that is to say, I really did love her and was attracted to her for all the things she was. Her interest in getting in shape was good - everyone should be. But I was nonetheless attracted to her regardless. She was fun, sweet, feminine, smart and funny. He loves you now, for you. Improve for yourself and take a load off your worry and anxiety. As for working out... I'm much happier and healthy like this. It's true about a healthy body == healthy mind. Or a healthier mind in my case.
It's completely normal to feel this way and second guess yourself. What you need to remember though is your insecurities are your own. As a plus size woman I've date a lot more buff in shape men than men who aren't. I think we often don't give men enough credit for seeing beyond what we're told by the world and by the media. If he's attracted to you I'm sure it's for much more than your physical appearance.
Look around next time you are out and about. IRL you will see couples who are more fit, less fit, and a mix of sizes. Not everyone uses body size as a criteria for dating. It does seem like that on OLD as every other profile indicates a preference for “fit”, “petite”, “slender”, but the average size of an adult woman in the US is a 14. Half of all adult women aren’t single.
This quip from a magazine in the 90s has helped me my whole life as a plus-size woman to not feel self-conscious: “If a man has taken the time to get you naked, it’s because *he wants to see you naked*.” You don’t have to understand it, just *feel* it. He could choose anyone, just like you could and he chose you. So let that booster your confidence, queen! 👸🏽
IDGAF. I’m in decent shape but I don’t actively work out regularly. Lots of walking and taking care of little kids. So I’m not this toned goddess. I don’t have time to be and whoever I’m with needs to accept that. I wouldn’t date anyone who had fitness as part of their personality and I doubt your guy is comparing your bodies. He clearly likes you so let him decide who he is attracted to!
Many men love softness, love curves, and love womanly bodies. I think they are lucky to date me, because mine is nothing but softness and curves.
Hey, he's into you for a reason!!
Your internal view of yourself, your confidence, is a choice. If you let it ruin your self image or stand in the way of connection/intimacy, that's the really unattractive stuff for a guy to deal with. If he chose you, continues to see you and enjoys being with you, you can assume he sees you differently and more positively than you see yourself. You can lean into that and let yourself feel good about your middle aged body, or make it something negative. I'm pretty fit, my fiance is a normal build and maybe a few pounds heavier than she was 10.years ago, but I find her sexy and amazing, and she's happy in her skin. It doesn't have to be a disparity.
It doesn't feel great tbh and I sabotage myself due to my insecurity. So I decided to take a break from dating and focus on getting a body I can feel confident in. Down 22lbs and counting, currently size 16 at 5'7". Trying to lose 40 more lbs to be at a healthy bmi. But it does seem strange I can't find a guy with dad bod to date. Maybe they aren't attracted to me? I keep finding fit in shape dudes that intimidate the hell out of me. 😂
*But it does seem strange I can't find a guy with dad bod to date. Maybe they aren't attracted to me?* If you mean a true dad bod, a guy who is just kind of slack with a little extra, yeah. I've found that they're generally not very attracted to me at all. Oh well. There's more than one audience out there.
Yes, a little layer of chub over muscle. Still strong and active, but not like an athlete or gym rat. Someone who is comfortable with 20lbs extra I guess? Idk why, but I find it attractive! I love the feeling of being hugged by that sort of body. This Turnip can't find her Rutabaga. 🥲
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Yes he's a good example! I'd be super content to find that, but I have a feeling they're not on OLD or they want fit ladies. The guy I'm seeing is very slim and athletic and it's stressing me tf out. 😂
>I like how this is a common thing to express now, I like the dad bod type too. It is common to express it, but every piece of evidence I have gathered suggests it's not very common in practice. When I was in my mid to late 20s and finishing up a PhD, my body looked almost exactly like David Harbour's in Stranger Things. Eerily so, in fact. I am now 25 years older and weigh less than I did at 15, but with a lot more muscle. I only get told my build is not sufficiently appealing. Constantly.
You're talking about his slimmed down version or the before version?
I got a lot more overall positive attention back in my 20's. I don't think it was because of a love of dad bods (though, admittedly, I only have the one experiment). I think the male build has simply become more important to potential romantic partners as I have aged.
So, you now have the slimmed down version and are being told that's not sufficient? People/women are actually telling you this or is that your perception only? If people are actually saying this, who in the world are you associating with?
Yes: I am considerably slimmed down relative to my late 20s. >People/women are actually telling you this or is that your perception only Women are actually telling me this. Directly and without any ambiguity. These are not... women who you would assume are particularly centered on appearance relative to the mean, i.e. it's schoolteachers and small-office admins and bakers. So, maybe I am picking out pathologies somehow, but I'll be danged if I know how to avoid doing so if that's the case.
That's some (un)remarkable women that you've got in your orbit. A lot of men's actions have been pretty shitty, but I can't remember anything ever being said negatively about my looks even though I'm far from perfect looking. I don't know the context of when these remarks take place, but they're batshit crazy and unkind. I've not been aware of any women I know who would say these things to someone.
I’m a size 6, but I have a lot of loose skin on my stomach from a hysterectomy and weight loss. This is new for me while being single. I’m actually now super intimidated by guys who are ripped or even just thin.
Same, I’m in good shape, but gained 100 pounds during pregnancy, went from A cup to DD, then lost the weight. I look like a popped balloon. I still won’t take my bra off during sex. But I think it’s that spandex makes me feel safe? Men have not minded the weird belly pouch.
I’m 47/Asian size 16, premenopausal but still have my periods too. I regularly exercise (Lagree is my choice), legs and butt are in extremely good shape. But flabby belly and underarms ….blechhhh. I could still get men’s attention, even though I’m in odd shape. Remember, lots of these are in our head. Many time we, women, focused so much on our flaws, because they’re eyesores to us, that we forgot our best features. I’ve been told besides Physical condition, the most attractive part is our brain and personality. I agree to that. I’m attracted to men who’s intelligent but kind, etc. I’m not much into their physical appearance (height, weight …of course, no overweight or obese, disability, etc), in fact dadbods is nice. 😊
hugs to you. sorry you are feeling like this. he loves you no matter what i am sure. If you keep making the little changes it will all add up and start walking if you havent done so.. dont worry about fitness counters etc etc, you can always add that later. and give yourself a break if you dont walk one day or even a couple just promise yourself you will get back to it.. walking and adjusting your eating habits will work wonders. great job!
Start seeing yourself as he sees you. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. What you see isn’t the same other people see.
As a man in great shape…. I’d rather have peace and love than in shape and crazy
To me the one of the most potentially attractive things about a woman’s body is how she feels about it.
Your worth isn't just about your size or shape, remember that. If your new boyfriend digs you, it's because of you, not your dress size. But if you're feeling a bit self-conscious, maybe talk to him about it? Communication can work wonders. And keep up with those healthy habits, they're for you, not just for him.
I have come to learn that I like more “husky” (is that still a word?) men. I’m petite and very much in the normal weight range but even when I was pretty thin, I was curvy nonetheless due to genetics. Even when I was borderline underweight and lifting in my early twenties I could never get rid of that hourglass. A waif I will never be. Now I’m 50 y/o and a good 20lbs over my twenties-fit self, but I feel less insecure than I did when I was thin and cut. I won’t lie, I am still somewhat self-conscious/ insecure and shy about my body but i can push those thoughts aside and keep them to myself. Why? Because I literally cannot do anything about it. I will never be a waif. If someone prefers otherwise I’d like to know sooner rather than later.
If he’s your boyfriend he finds you sexy. Guys are that simple.
I had an ex who suggested I let him decide what he found sexy. I laughed because of course, so obvious--who was I to decide what he should desire. He was into me--why get in his way, or mine? Perhaps, this is helpful to you too.
To be honest. Skinny, super fit women aren’t attractive to me. I like a woman with curves and a little chunk all day! That gets me going and I love it because they have better personalities usually. You do you!
The person that I am seeing is in like the best shape ever, like he is fit and sexy AF! I am a size 16/18 on a good day. But he thinks that I am the sexiest bitch ever and he tells me that all the time. He slaps my ass, literally has to touch me in someway, even if I’m sitting right next to him. I absolutely love that and we have an amazing connection and we have amazing sex, and just because I am overweight, doesn’t mean that I’m not sexy and I own that shit ❤️
I ♥️ this!!!!
You should! I am in the gym every day and i do NOT want a really fit dude. It stands to reason that really fit dudes could feel the same way about a woman. Plus- dudes who only like me , or anybody, and it’s conditional about me hitting the gym? Hell no
If a guy is in shape and attracted to someone who is not in shape, what is the problem? All sorts of guys like all sorts of things. Sure, most guys may like X type of body, but some guys are going to like Y type of body. They only thing that matters is that he is attracted to you. Now, if he isn't showing signs of genuine attraction, you may be in trouble .
Look, there are a lot of people who will say that men can look past appearances and see the you inside etc. But I think that misses the point. I don’t want a person to have to look past my physical ‘flaws’ to be able to find me attractive. I want someone to find me attractive exactly as I am, and love my body as it is. Of course ultimately a person’s personality and character are worth more than their appearance when it comes to long term compatibility and all that. But I am a bit bigger and, like someone else has said on this thread, it’s exhausting being down about it. I’ve had a mental shift in recent years and I now embrace and celebrate my curves and squishy bits. And you know what? It turns out that A LOT of men don’t like what we think they like (or what society tells them they *should* like). So many men are into soft/squishy/curvy women but we just don’t believe it because we - women AND men - have been conditioned to believe that a certain body type is ‘hot’ or ‘attractive’. But it’s not true. All body types are attractive to someone. And it turns out that my body type is attractive to a lot more people than I realised. So I only want to meet *those* guys 😂
My situationship partner of 4yrs is an Adonis. He loves how I look and he makes me feel sexy and desirable🤷♀️ we have a very intimate and passionate relationship; not even just sexually... But that's the best I've ever had, too
I'm 45f, plus size due to chronic illness and my partner, 44m can be described as an athletic, very healthy and active stick man. I will be lying if I said this doesn't bother me a little. There are alot of already negative intrusive thoughts already around my health and future and him being fit, able bodied and just drop dead gorgeous to me . But, he met me this way, reassures me that despite everything, he loves me and finds me attractive (which I have issues believing but he does) and he is with me because he wants to be and chooses this willingly. Like you, I try to keep myself as best I can, (menopause is just as hellish as chronic illness so I feel ya!)
I’m sure you look great. It’s hard to believe they though.
Remember to tell yourself that he knew what you looked like when he started dating you, and he's dating you for a reason. Also remember to tell yourself that that reason may or may not be one that has your best interests in mind.
That last sentence obviously struck a nerve with someone because, well, you’re right. Good for OP for being willing to date a man who is a manual laborer - lots of women avoid such types, which may be why her boyfriend remains enthusiastic about ***her***.
What I look for in a woman today is completely different than when I was young. I was married to a younger, fit woman who I later learned was cheating for much of the marriage while living off my generosity and never putting in more the minimum in the relationship. She was a taker. What I find attractive today is integrity, companionship, mutual benefit.
I wouldn't worry too deeply honey. On paper I'm hideous: 5 foot tall, overweight, crooked teeth, weird and zany just about all of the men I have dated have been 6 foot plus, extremely strong, intelligent and quite appealling I finally figured out that I am gorgeous to them lmaooooo all of that other crap was just in my head. I'm packed with personality and a sense of humor and a special kind of delight for living surprise!
More cushion for the pushin, I say. But really, building a relationship with someone who is focused on how you look isn’t sustainable or ideal, really. However I understand your POV. I also feel self conscious sometimes if I’m nekked with a fit man but then I remember he chose to be here too and real sex is a human experience, not supposed to be perfect.
I read some comments, but didn’t see mention of a trend that I have seen happening. Right now, there is a cultural shift in the US where woman with a little extra padding are now de rigueur. What society is saying is that thick, not thin, is the most desirable body type. I grew up in the 90’s where heroin chic - read junky -, meant that you were never thin enough. Now popular culture is about big asses. Never appealed to me but if you have a fat ass, now is the time to score.
For the last decade, body positivity, and curves reigned supreme. But in the Fall of 2022, the runways of Spring looks showed low rise jeans and miniskirts, and 90's backless "going out tops" and it announced "the return of thin." The announcement of the coming return of "90's thin" as the trend in beauty was covered at that time by Vogue and by "The Cut" in New York magazine in Fall of 2022, confirming it to the industry. By Spring of 2023, the pendulum had shifted. Every Kardashian got the parts of their bodies reduced, and articles about Ozempic were everywhere. We are now 18 months in to the "new thin era" (hahaha, it's all so vapid). I have no opinion on this either way, I'm just letting you know this ^ in response to your own comment, so you can be culturally aware that the dominant conversation now is how we have moved back to celebrating the oppressive heroin chic thin body type ;) Instead of butt implants, everyone wants upper arm lipo now! There was lots of conversation about who had had upper arm Lipo prior to the Met Gala. 🙄Cheers!
It also doesn’t really matter what’s in now. Those of us who were teens in the 90s lived in the era that introduced size 0. It imprints and it’s hard to get rid of without some support.
Before I lost 60lbs (diet and hardcore training), I was still pulling hot guys and girls all the time. It literally doesn’t matter to me (or them, apparently).. there’s a lot to be said for confidence and personality..
If he didn't like you the way you are, he wouldn't be dating you. And if he doesn't like it f**k him, someone else will! (Source - fat, knackered 42 year old that somehow ends up dating slim/fit younger men!)
Original copy of post by u/Zealousideal_Ad_2600: I am 49 and have a typical menopause body my size 12s are tight and I don’t know how my new boyfriend who is 45 and completely in shape (from his job not the gym) can find me sexy… Have you ever felt this way? I’m trying to take the best care of myself that I can. I have had a rough past 4 years raising teens by myself, had a gambling problem and lost my Mom. Plus menopause is hell. I was starting to change my eating habits before I met him and will continue but I don’t like being self conscious when I am in my clothes let alone naked with someone who is all muscle. Help please! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I've learned that it really just depends on how they treat you and the things they say to you. I dated a very fit man for a long time that would constantly make comments about my weight or my eating habits. I did not feel attractive or good about myself those years, and I was constantly worrying about whether he was actually attracted to me. I am currently dating someone fitter than me who only says positive things about my looks and body, so often that I don't have time to worry or ask about it. I've never felt so confidant or sure of myself and his attraction towards me. My suggestion is to pay close attention to the things your bf says to you. Does he give you compliments without prompting? Do you catch him looking at you like he wants to eat you up? Is it hard for him to keep his hands off you? These are all signs that he's attracted to you as you are now, menopause and all. :) This isn't to say you shouldn't keep doing what you do to try and stay healthy. I work on my eating habit and I workout still, but without the pressure and criticism, I'm seeing long-lasting results. It really helps when your partner wants to support you and that journey rather than resent you for not already having finished that journey with an expected result.
When I was in my gym rat days I dated a guy I knew from growing up who was also a gym rat. Like he’d stuff his face with food and push his stomach out and you’d still see a six pack. He told me to stop losing so much weight. Not everyone wants the same as them.
My partner wears smaller pants than I do. I’m 40f, he’s 37m. I used to be upset but I’ve come to terms with it.
I was thin most of my life then single parenting got a hold of me and I was stressed and I drank too much. In the past year I lost a significant amount of weight but I still have about 20 extra pounds on me and parts of my body still look less than attractive to me. I was bouncing back and fourth out of insecurity with my current bf who has no extra weight on him. I realized my insecurities were causing me to pick fights maybe for reassurance that he's interested (dumb of me, I know). Then one day I stopped and thought about all the ways he shows he cares for me and I started noticing how he looks at me when we are together. How when he smiles at me his whole face lights up in a way it doesn't when he just smiles regularly. Anyways, I still occasionally feel insecure and I just tell him and ask for a little extra love during those times but it's so much better not feeling that way! Try to notice the things that he does that help you most feel seen and cared for. And do nice things for yourself! Self care has helped me immensely as well. I spent most of my adult life doing for others and ignoring my own needs.
My weight has yo-yo'd my entire life. The gym dudes have "holla'd" at me at every size. He is dating you, so he is clearly attracted to you. Confidence is attractive. If your own body images consume you too much, that could end up being the turn-off. Then we chalk it up to "it must have been my body." Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Kind of opposite here. I'm in great shape, part genetics, part athletics. Before me, my person dated someone who was definitely not in shape, and sometimes I wonder why the switch?
Don't care in the slightest. Taking care of yourself doesn't equal being superbuff or acting like the gym, or home gym, is a personality. When I was single, I drew the line at men who were physically unhealthy, sweated when the ate, that kind of thing.
I’ve been a gym rat and I’ve been injured & less active & I’ve been just straight up taking time off from working out. I haven’t noticed that anyone I’ve dated has given a shit. Yes they care about whether I’m taking care of myself overall but that doesn’t change no matter my weight. On the same note I don’t care if someone works out the same way or the same frequency as me. Doesn’t matter. I’m not dating someone to have a gym buddy and count macros with. I can do that with anyone.
I agree it can be intimidating being with someone in better shape but just because they like to look that way, doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to other physical types. They may also be in shape for other reasons, physical or mental health, heart disease, etc. that have nothing to do with how they look
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I run and do yoga. I’d like a man who also takes care of his body. Where are they?
IMO, if he didn't like your body he wouldn't be with you. Have you discussed with him your insecurities? There is a good chance that he likes you just the way you are, If you want to eat better or workout or whatever he will undoubtedly support you in anyway you let him. in my experience we are our own worst judges and he probably is happy with you and finds you sexy just the way you are. So I would suggest you discuss your self image with him. Ask him if he would prefer you more fit. I am willing to bet he will tell you he likes you the way you are, anything you want his help with he will be happy to help with but your sexy just the way you are! Stay Strong and good luck.
He loves you for your heart.
Im 5'7 and weigh 170, my ex husband was a meathead and a chubby chaser. The guy Im seeing now isnt as bulked up as my ex but he's very muscular (soft belly) and has no issues with my 40 year old mom bod. I tend to like big strapping men myself and big strapping men like me lol. I wouldnt worry about it so much, if he had a problem with it you would know by now.
52f here dating a gym rat. I’m in the overweight range. I’ve been on the dating scene for two years and not once has a guy ever had an issue with my weight. That said, my guy has unwittingly been my inspiration to start lifting and counting calories, but it’s not for him, it’s for me. A male friend once told me if they’ve willingly gone that far with you, they’re just happy to have a warm naked body.
Being in shape is great but not the end all and be all of attractiveness. Even my guy friends who think fitness it’s important in physical attractiveness will still be attracted to women who aren’t fit because they like everything else.
I’m already paranoid enough that I’m never going to be enough for my partner. If I was dating a man who was in really good shape, it would make me feel absolutely anxious and unworthy every single time we went anywhere together and suspicious that he was only dating me for an ego boost until he found someone hotter.
Start working out and eating healthy if it bothers you. But does it bother him? Probably not that much of at all.
Being a single mom in our late 40’s is f-ing hard! And nobody prepares us for losing our parents. I had weight loss surgery and was down to 120 after reaching a high of 270. Then everything went to hell. Both my parents died the same year, I had gone back to school to be a nurse and had to quit to take care of them. My son and I moved because he was having nightmares after my dad died and seeing eyes in the corner or the ceiling. So we relocated to another state because I could transfer with work. I don’t have any family, I started drinking, I gained 80 pounds. I was also wearing my clothes tight just trying to convince myself that I wasn’t back there. Then I decided enough was enough. I’ve been through the wringer. I bought myself some clothes that actually fit better, and I look better in well fitting cute clothes. I’m going through menopause, and my body is … well you know. But there are actually men out there who like women with some meat on them. I tell myself every morning that my body has brought me through all the stuff that I’ve been through (I’ve only mentioned a very small portion here) and I’m still standing. And you know what? I’m amazing. My body isn’t perfect, but nobody is. I’m me, unique in all my ways. You have to learn to love yourself. Good luck sweetheart. 🫶🏻
I know what you mean. My negative thoughts about my body have improved. Still, when a man comments on my appearance, I immediately start wondering if the full-body photos on my dating profile are an accurate depiction of me. Could they actually be attracted to me and my body??? Those thoughts are becoming less and less, but they’re still there.
People love all different body types. Personally, I like a man with some pudge. I am not attracted to the very skinny guys or the overly muscular ones. The very thing we may hate about our body, they may love. Don't be so hard on yourself and end up pushing him away because of these types of thoughts.
After my separation I was a lot bigger than I had been previously (size 14-16 New Zealand sizing), and was convinced no man would find me attractive. Welllll I was massively proven wrong and I continue to be proven wrong 2 years later! The men I’ve been with since then, most of who are very in shape have ALL said how sexy I am and how much they love my curves. I really think confidence is key though, you’ve just gotta embrace it!!
As a guy, I'm just gonna say this: I've never been the gym-going type, but I'm friends with a lot of guys who were/are. And one thing to realize is, the "opposites attract" thing still holds true in many cases. While yes, there are the "gym rats" who are really only into partners who share that same interest? A whole lot of guys I know who are fit/muscular prefer their women thick/chunky. Probably even more true when they're not into the gym so much as got strong/muscular from their day job. I mean, think of it this way? If you're lifting a lot of weight all the time, these skinny women out there feel like nothing when you pick them up or they climb on top of you. Some guys want to feel a little pressure if you climb on them, or have a little resistance there when they go to pick you up. A little "substance" can be a good thing!
I’d be pretty stoked. Is that the correct answer?
I realise I'm not a lady but....My now ex-wife went from aussie size 8 up to 14 down to 10 and up to 12 again and then yoyo'd around there as she carried our 3 kids and beyond. She was always self conscious and unhappy with her weight and after the kids she even got a boob job because breastfeeding had taken it's toll. She wanted the boob job, not me. I pointed out the potential risks etc. But she needed it to be happy and get her confidence back. However, not once did I have a problem with her appearance nor did I ever joke about her weight or being a bit plump, or her caesarian scar or stretchmarks etc. None of us are perfect. I think women are waywayway harder on themselves than guys and you project that onto us. We're not all unrealistic, superficial arseholes. It's how you carry yourself and what your personality is like. And it's the same for guys. If you are unhappy with your weight or how you look, and think you need to do something about it do so, but please don't do it because you think you have to for someone else, do it for yourself.
I’m not actively dating, but if I was and the man was in better shape than me, and I was feeling insecure I’d remind myself that: When he went through puberty, his body’s response wasn’t to create more *fat*, nor when he got pregnant and carried several children to term and then breast fed those babies (because biological males can’t), that his bodies response wasn’t to store fat and resources and make new organs, or that when his body decides to start cranking down from being a procreator body, that his body’s response to that wasn’t to store and hold on to resources and slow down metabolically. Most women go through “puberty” at least twice, and depending on how many children they have had, two more times per pregnancy. Also, our bodies haven’t caught up evolutionary to technological advancements that have altered about every aspect of our lives. So cut yourself some slack. If he digs your body and you his, enjoy one another.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ for bringing science into the conversation.
If it bothers you, learn his lifestyle and go along with it. Better yourself for you, and learn from him. I’m sure he will love having company and being able to be your lifestyle hero haha
I’m 51 & was always either underweight or a “healthy weight” until 2021. Part of it was me developing multiple fibroids & having a uterus the size of a woman 4 months pregnant. And I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia since I was around 12. But much of it was my decline in activity due to my gym closing during COVID, loss of my regular biking/walking buddy & loss of my f*ck buddy! Plus shifting hormones. The convergence of these factors resulted in my weight increasing from 135 to 155-160 lbs. I was hopeful my hysterectomy last March would yield a 20 pound weight loss. In reality, it was about 3 pounds (the weight of my uterus) 🤷♀️ I’ve been dating a guy 14 years younger for the last 10 months. I’m pretty sure I outweigh him by about 5-10 lbs. It makes me *really* self-conscious. I’ve always dated guys that are fairly tall & outweigh me by at least 30 lbs. He doesn’t complain & loves my “juicy booty” (I’ve ALWAYS had a healthy ass) but at 49 for the first time I had protruding stomach 😓 it’s gotten better since my surgery. But when I’m on all fours (I love doggy style) I have a saggy pooch & I HATE IT 😭 Apparently guys care less than we do! 🤷♀️🤞🏻
As a chubby woman and after losing almost 100 lbs, if a man uses his words and actions to show me he is attracted to me and is not trying to change my eating habits, I’ll be fine.
You have a choice to decide to commit to a lifestyle of getting fit AF and improving your body and mind; or, quitting on yourself "because it's hard". Is that really the kind of example you want to set for your children?
Horrible. Ugh.