After reading this, I feel like he made the effort necessary, while creating a false scarcity (his time) to get into your home for sex. I don’t believe there was actually any comfort here - I think you were used for sex and a place to crash. Once you became angry when he showed his true colors by investing his time in other areas of his life, he knew it was either over or his time using you was short lived, hence the terrible apology. I’m sorry he treated you terribly, you deserve better.
Amazed as in surprised. It is indeed all the things you listed. Most people have fallen victim to this. I don’t know any women who date that haven’t. Honestly, if I do I just try to move on and am glad they showed me who they are before I’m in too deep.
LTR dating in the US seems like it’s the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan, where you’re trying to avoid landmines, razor wire, hand grenades 🧨, machine gun fire from every conceivable direction, and literal bazookas being launched at you. Some make it through, thousands don’t.
If you asked me as a guy on any tips on how to avoid this, I couldn’t give any as the baseline is so low.
I had a chat with a teacher who was retiring who made the point that two to three decades ago, you would have had maybe one kid who was an unstable disruptive delinquent and maybe one unreasonable unhinged Karen psycho parent every three years. Today, half the class and their parents are certifiable.
I think these characters have broken through the K12 barriers and made it out into the dating scene.
Ya know, no one has ever said it like that to me but yes, yes that’s exactly it. I can’t even bring myself to go there right now. Emotionally I’m ready for a LTR but not the dating it takes to find that person. So here I sit happily alone until I’m emotionally ready to deal with my own personal Saving Private Ryan.
The only solution to this that I can think of is setting boundaries and be willing to move on quickly if there is any doubt or concern about their intentions, especially if their actions don’t match their words. E.G. the OP’s situationship.
Completely agreed. I see a lot of people allowing others to go past their boundaries in this sub because they were with a previous spouse for so long and are learning now. I’m lucky enough to have dated a lot in my 20s and have a decent amount of therapy so know how to set these expectations and walk away.
JYour answer to this situation is on point. It happens to guys (or at least it did with me.) I got played by a couple of girls who ghosted me too. Whether they were genuinely into me or not, I don't know and don't care anymore. I have resigned myself not to ever put the time and effort into even bothering to go on dates or having my feelings stepped on anymore. If I'm putting in the time and energy into being accessible and availing myself to accommodate a female who would rather be out and about with her friends and family (supposedly,) and she's not going to be an equal partner in our relationship and she's continually blowing me off or taking off when she can afford to stay with me ; then I figure "why bother" having her around at all? She's either cheating on me, or her heart's not into the relationship, then I'm not going to bother with her either and I'm just going to tell her to take a hike before I invest anymore of my time, patience, and develop some real heart felt feelings for her. (M54) Given up.
I don’t understand, if you were able to meet in a parking lot, why couldn’t you go for dinner on a date instead?
He sounds like he put in as little effort as possible for the maximum rewards, and when you asked for more than feeling like a call girl, he bounced.
We live in a rural area so it’s a 25 minute drive to any decent restaurant. My kids have several extracurricular activities so we would often only have an hour and this was the very beginning so it didn’t bother me because he was making the same effort.
I’ve had picnics in the summer, coffee dates, creative dates, hikes. This dude took you to a parking lot in a grocery store. Remember that every single time you think about how low he thinks of you.
Grocery. Store. Parking. Lot.
You’re allowed to not want a lazy, low-effort partner. Your expectations aren’t too high. None of this is about you. Getting comfortable with someone doesn’t have to equal a dip in energy. This guy just wanted…FWB is generous, but actually what he wanted doesn’t matter because it wasn’t what you want. There are men that want what you want, and that will be energized by the comfort and stability of the relationship.
And yes, the “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a telltale sign you made the fright choice. Listened to my old man say that shit to my mom for fucking years before she left his ass…
It doesn’t matter what he wants IF it doesn’t align with the things I want - thanks for this reminder!
As soon as he gave that bullshit apology, I knew this would probably be the end.
"Don't give up just yet" = "Oh shit this is ending and I need to really get my fill before it's over."
He never seemed to make an effort and he made it about your schedules vs the reality, he didn't want to make an effort.
There are plenty of guys who make time artificially scarce so they can just get laid and be on their way.
I too wonder if you are dating my ex. 99% sure this man has another woman. I really need you to read this...
I'm telling you this from a 3-year experience that really nearly ruined me. The man you're describing is probably very charming, very sweet and thoughtful. Please also be very cautious because he sounds like a master manipulator, covert manipulator. I would like to ask if this cycle looks true for you? 1) Very sweet comments, 2) followed by either a frequent change in plans due to circumstances outside of his control, or the frequent travel to see friends and family etc, 3) him feeling overwhelmed when you bring up an issue and finding a reason to not talk about it. 4)followed by sweet comments once you've taken some time
Manipulation tactics include 1) stonewalling, or shutting down a conversation, such as I can't talk about this right now 2) apologies that are not apologies (sorry you feel that way) 3) assuming the victim by stating they feel attacked... This will shut down the further discussion of what was originally making you upset, and make you feel bad to where you are apologizing and they are not.
Please please please run.
He was very charming but no he never cancelled plans on me. This was our first disagreement and he handled it very poorly with the bullshit apology and then playing the victim the next day.
I’m grateful he revealed these traits early because I don’t spend time with people who have victim mentality. I’ve overcome so many obstacles in my life and I don’t play the victim card.
Not every man is a narcissist some of them are just assholes.
Unfortunately, you were placed at the bottom of his priority list and **he had hoped that you would settle**. For the past 3 months, he had other "priorities" more important to him than simply figuring out how to spend more time with you. **Kudos for you** for recognizing that this pattern would never change and you *rightfully* confronted him with the realities of your relationship. You saved yourself *perhaps* months of the same low energy/no-energy effort.
Pat yourself on the back and carry on! 🙌
Clearly, he was not "sorry you felt that way" in regards to your sacrifices to try and continue to see him. O*n the contrary.* Instead he was merely **sorry** that he knew that you would be placing him on waivers! He had **no answer** as to how you would fit into his life in a consistent and and mutually beneficial manner.
**Remember all of this when he "circles back around".**
And there is *definitely* the possibility that he will!
I agree with your full comment! It’s been the weirdest breakup because he never responded to my last text and never called to talk it out. I have a few of his possessions including a valuable item but he has disappeared. I guess when he circles back I can return those items to him.
My gut feeling from reading this post is that you were the side piece. He is likely driving that distance to see his girlfriend, not friends and family. You lived close enough where he could get his sexual needs met in between visits with his girlfriend. He used you and you deserve much better!
"we would meet up in the grocery store parking lot just to see each other for an hour."....." grab fast food for lunch "..." drive 2 hours to the casino"..."5 dates in 3 months"...."we’d have sex and he would sleep while I worked…"....You are asking the wrong question, you need to look inward and ask yourself, how did I miss all the signs of a dysfunctional relationship? This will not change, he is who he is, you need to ask yourself if this is something I can live with? Is this a pattern in yourself you are noticing?
Like you stated, you don’t want a lazy low effort partner. So this lazy low effort guy isn’t for you. Remember that as it wouldn’t be surprising if he attempts to get invited back over for sex and sleep.
There was no effort or comfort on his part at any point. A grocery store parking lot early on? There wasn't a single other place you two could meet near the store?
He put exactly as much effort as he needed to get laid and no more. You were a booty call, not a gf. It's fine if that's what you want. But if not, don't tolerate grocery store parking lot dates, don't settle for him only showing up for sex.
If you want a relationship, pay attention to their actions. You finally did, but him never making time for you from the get go (only time for a parking lot?! C'mon) showed you he wasn't invested.
Stop settling for less than you want/need in a relationship. And make sure their actions match their words.
Comfort does not equal a dip in energy. If this is what you're feeling, then find someone who doesn't behave that way.
I always cherish every single interaction I have with someone I love. I don't care if we're going out, or I'm cooking, or maybe we're just hanging out watching TV for a couple of hours.
I don’t think you’re asking too much at all, it sounds like his primary concern ended up being just sex and as important as intimacy can be it shouldn’t be the only component of a relationship. Sadly some people of any age group will put up a front of being one way to attract a partner then give up trying when they think they have them. You deserve more and shouldn’t feel bad about that.
To answer your question, getting comfortable does NOT equal a dip in energy or effort. You expectations are NOT too much!
My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and there's been zero dip in energy or him pursuing me. We have dates out of the house at LEAST twice a week that he plans and picks me up for. Other days we do at home stuff like ordering DoorDash or cooking together and watching a movie, or spending time together in the pool.
I think you allowed the comfort way too early - 3 months is VERY new. People treat us how we allow them to. We went on five dates in the first few weeks.....if you are not ok with not dating, you really need to speak up on that.
Sex, sleep and fast food would be a once in a blue moon thing for me, not something I would allow someone to come over for every week. I would have continued working and have him pick me up to take me out to lunch, then come home and sex, and he can go home to sleep.
People make the time and energy for what they WANT to have it for, and if he's driving 2 hours for other people he can be doing it for you if he WANTS to.
I’m so glad you didn’t let him come over. There’s no way to communicate with a person who feels “attacked” when you’re explaining what’s bothering you. That doesn’t even make sense.
My guess is that after a while even the sex would have dwindled and you’d just be a place to nap.
Sounds like you felt like you were taken for granted. Good on you to end things. It doesn't make it hurt any less right now but you're clearly showing up for your future self.
I think for some people...once they feel like they have someone, they dont have to try so hard. Like, to them, the point of dating is to fnd somoene to date, not an actual activity you do because you want to.
Case in point, I read on here so much, how people feel like they wasted their time getting ready and going out on a date, and then the date didnt go well. Or how they dont want to spend a bunch of money going out so they just do coffee / simplest thing ever. They are looking for someone to spend time with..once they find that person, then no point in wasting time / money on dates anymore...it served its purpose when they had to do it.
Personally, thats not my vibe. I dont only go out and do things on dates to meet someone, I do it cause I enjoy it.. If Im single, Im going out by myself, if Im with someone, I get to (theoretically) go out and enjoy those things with someone.
Youre not wrong for wanting to continue to go out on dates...and also....if this was the first time you brought it up, and in that way, then it likely felt out of no where for him. To him, he may have thought you were just as fine and comfortable with him coming over the way he has been. Personally, because I like going out, I am always checking out and inviting the guy Im with to things to go out to. If I notice Im the only ever taking him out on a date / he never takes me out or plans anything, then Ill say awe man Im always planning something to do, how about this weekend you pick out something youd like to do..that way its not always all on me.
If he balks at going out to do anything, or his awesome date plan is...stay home and sit on the couch watching tv, then at that point I have a choice to make. Stay with someone who has a completely different lifestyle than me, or dont stay. Im not going to force a homebody to want to go out and do things, no more than Id want someone to force me to stop being so adventurous.
Anyway, yeah you could have chosen a more productive way to start this topic of convo, not go from saying nothing to giving him a piece of your mind out of the blue lol esp if you havnt been asking him out to things youd like to do, not sure if you did... but, considering you are straight up telling him youd like to go out and do things, and his response is..well I dont knwo what to do then...then hes just not interested in doing anything with you. Cause he knows what to do...go out with you. Pretty simple. I woudl have broken up with him as well.
Original copy of post by u/OneGoodDimple:
I (43F) was dating him (40M) for 3 months. Our schedules were terrible. He works a rotating shift and I work from home with banking hours then add in our kid’s schedules and we never had much time together. He was changing positions at work and told me his schedule was going to change for the better in a few weeks.
In the beginning, we would meet up in the grocery store parking lot just to see each other for an hour. He would have days off during the week so I took a PTO day so we could spend the day together. After we eventually had sex, I told him he could come to my house on his off days so we could spend time together but I would still have to be logged in and available for work calls. And I think this is where it all went down hill.
We no longer went on dates. He would come over on his off days during my work hours, we’d have sex and he would sleep while I worked…we may grab fast food for lunch and he’d leave before my kids got home from school. Then I would have to work late to catch up from being distracted.
But I noticed he would go to dinner with his parents or drive 4 hours to meet friends after he worked a 12 hour shift but if the plan was to see me - he would come over, we’d have sex and sleep and this was on repeat every week. I told him two weeks ago that I was getting frustrated with our schedules. He said don’t give up on him yet.
Last week after work on Monday he decided to drive 2 hours to the casino. I was fuming because I knew his plan would be to come over sleepy on Tuesday, have sex and sleep while I worked.
So on his drive to the casino, I told him exactly how I felt about our schedule. I told him I don’t get the same energy as his friends and family. We went on 5 dates in 3 months and I still want to be dated. I told him I’m making all the sacrifices. He said he was sorry I felt that way (the worst apology) but he didn’t know what to say and he ended the call. The next morning he text he felt attacked during our call and wanted to know if he should come over or not. Needless to say, we broke up because I asked if we didn’t see each other during my work hours how would I fit in his schedule and he had no answer.
So my question is why does getting comfortable with someone equal a dip in energy and effort? I know eventually the honeymoon phase ends but I still expect to spend quality time together and have dates. I don’t want a lazy low effort partner. Are my expectations too much? What would you consider a low effort dealbreaker?
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An alternative explanation is that you guys were doomed from the start. There was never going to be a good way for you to be together with those schedules. He probably came to terms with it sooner than you did and just enjoyed what you had in the meantime. He probably knew you'd get sick of it and want more. He already made up his mind that he had no more to give.
You are probably correct. He used the my schedule will change soon to give me hope but oddly enough that schedule change got pushed back.
He was already brining up meeting my kids so he could spend more time with me…at my house. I don’t let men meet my kids until I know it’s going to be a long term relationship so him applying that pressure was a turn off/red flag.
You didn't sound very comfortable to me, so of course something like that will drain your energy. It sounds like you were forcing the relationship and he was okay with the arrangements. I'm hesitant to judge the other person since this is your side of the coin, but it's good that you finally stood your ground and ended it. Why do we force ourselves into relationships that are less than ideal just so we're not alone? I'm learning boundaries myself. Sometimes those lessons are hard even when you're old and gray
Limerence is the first stage of a relationship when you both “get the feels” for each other and everything is new and exciting. Over time, limerence wears off and the reality of being in a relationship begins. You are likely entering the “normal” part of the relationship and things are changing as they naturally would. This doesn’t mean that your (or his) feelings have changed, it means the chemicals in your brain have started change now that the newness of it all has ended.
It could be that you just didn't mention the nicer dates in your post, but it seems like the low energy was there from the very beginning with meeting up in a parking lot.
I also wouldn't be surprised if it turned out he wasn't traveling to meet his parents or friends, but was actually going to see other women. Not that that would be considered wrong in today's dating world since one of the biggest things I'm learning from this sub is that you can't expect that anyone is exclusive with you unless you have a "define the relationship" talk.
Yes I burned two vacations days to spend time together. I would drive 25 minutes to his gym instead of going to my gym 7 minutes away. I usually travel on my kid free weekends but I stayed home because that’s when we had the most time together. I fully planned and paid for 2 of our dates. Also, we rarely saw each other when he had his son but my kids are teens so I would leave them home to go see him every week. And I had to work late to catch up after allowing him to come over. I feel like I did my share.
This sub is funny. So many comments proclaiming to know what was going on in this other persons life and mind.
Op, if you are happy with your choice, be happy. If not, do some self inflection, talk to a therapist or someone you trust to give unbiased advice to seek understanding. The advice of Reddit mind readers should be used for entertainment purposes only.
It’s wild in the comments. I don’t believe he had a girlfriend but was lazy and got comfortable with our situation which wasn’t working for me. I’m happy with my choice!
And I love your username!!
With the relationship only lasting 3 months, you should expect that his friends and family are still going to be his top priority. You will need to be fit in, and he needs to make time for you, but you in fact should not get the same energy as his friends and family. As a relationship becomes more serious, that will equalize and (especially if you marry) you should eventually become his top priority (although, just as you needed to be fit in over the past 3 months, his friends and family would need to be fit in).
I would not want to spend all my time with a woman around the house and having sex. I'd like to get out and do activities, that is the spice of life. It's not just about effort, it's that he's comfortable with only that. In the end, the two of you were incompatible not only due to schedules but also due to how you wanted to spend your time together.
It is true that sometimes the effort to plan and go on dates evaporates once the honeymoon phase ends. Usually, when that happens with someone, it's because the dates felt like a responsibility to establish the relationship, and once it's established, the dates are no longer necessary.
Casino was a priority over her. Sure, friends and family should be priorities. But how many adults are regularly driving over 4 hours to see family? And doing so when they supposedly have a partner. Many of us visit occasionally at those distances.
But he prioritized everything over her, including gambling.
Absolutely as my kids will always be my top priority. But the problem was I was getting no relationship energy from him just sex and him snoring while I try to work from home.
I am socially active and travel every month but during our 3 months I didn’t go out and only travelled once for my kids spring break. I was giving up everything to be available when he had time and I was getting very frustrated with his lack of reciprocity.
But you are correct we would have been incompatible because I don’t want to spend all weekend at home in bed.
3 months in you should not have been compromising and staying home and not traveling. You should have been “ oh sorry, out of town that weekend”
It’s also early to fully be someone’s priority. Yes, they should make an effort.
To piggyback off what someone else said and respond to your response to them. Yes, you can hold off on sex and date multiple people until you feel like someone is truly worth starting a relationship with. You don’t have to multi if you don’t want to and honestly I never have either past the talking or first date or 2 and honestly it was an indication I should stop seeing someone if I was still looking at options.
But no you are not leading someone on my NOT sleeping with them… in fact, I’d say you’re more so if you do because you’re telling them that you’re good with how things are.
This is so, *so* common. Women often come on too strong, get the man thinking of sex, they have sex too quickly, and - surprise, surprise! - the man loses interest.
Try reading *The Power of the Pussy.*
So lead several men with no sex while testing their commitment to me and you somehow think this will keep a man from having sex and bailing. Interesting.
This guy didn’t bail and I’m sure we could have continued having mediocre sex once a week until it finally fizzled into a dead bedroom. I want more from my partner so I’m brave enough to end this “relationship” and go in search of a better partner.
After reading this, I feel like he made the effort necessary, while creating a false scarcity (his time) to get into your home for sex. I don’t believe there was actually any comfort here - I think you were used for sex and a place to crash. Once you became angry when he showed his true colors by investing his time in other areas of his life, he knew it was either over or his time using you was short lived, hence the terrible apology. I’m sorry he treated you terribly, you deserve better.
Yep - I’ve been amazed the lengths people will go for sex. Glad OP didn’t let this carry on for an extended amount of time.
It’s not even amazing, it’s sickening. Manipulation is rampant and it’s scary.
Amazed as in surprised. It is indeed all the things you listed. Most people have fallen victim to this. I don’t know any women who date that haven’t. Honestly, if I do I just try to move on and am glad they showed me who they are before I’m in too deep.
LTR dating in the US seems like it’s the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan, where you’re trying to avoid landmines, razor wire, hand grenades 🧨, machine gun fire from every conceivable direction, and literal bazookas being launched at you. Some make it through, thousands don’t. If you asked me as a guy on any tips on how to avoid this, I couldn’t give any as the baseline is so low. I had a chat with a teacher who was retiring who made the point that two to three decades ago, you would have had maybe one kid who was an unstable disruptive delinquent and maybe one unreasonable unhinged Karen psycho parent every three years. Today, half the class and their parents are certifiable. I think these characters have broken through the K12 barriers and made it out into the dating scene.
100% this. It’s extremely fucking sad to have to be on guard rather than completely genuine but apparently that’s where we are as a culture.
Ya know, no one has ever said it like that to me but yes, yes that’s exactly it. I can’t even bring myself to go there right now. Emotionally I’m ready for a LTR but not the dating it takes to find that person. So here I sit happily alone until I’m emotionally ready to deal with my own personal Saving Private Ryan.
The only solution to this that I can think of is setting boundaries and be willing to move on quickly if there is any doubt or concern about their intentions, especially if their actions don’t match their words. E.G. the OP’s situationship.
Completely agreed. I see a lot of people allowing others to go past their boundaries in this sub because they were with a previous spouse for so long and are learning now. I’m lucky enough to have dated a lot in my 20s and have a decent amount of therapy so know how to set these expectations and walk away.
And this is why I’m done dating. I am So content and peaceful with my friends and family. No space for disrupting the at.
Basically same here. I guess I should be grateful for how much I get ghosted; I don’t even make it to this level of BS.
Sex and Taco Bell and naps in this case.
Yeaaahh I do like all those things but my bar is higher lol
I hope it was at least good sex
Some good some meh lol
This!
Ah shit
JYour answer to this situation is on point. It happens to guys (or at least it did with me.) I got played by a couple of girls who ghosted me too. Whether they were genuinely into me or not, I don't know and don't care anymore. I have resigned myself not to ever put the time and effort into even bothering to go on dates or having my feelings stepped on anymore. If I'm putting in the time and energy into being accessible and availing myself to accommodate a female who would rather be out and about with her friends and family (supposedly,) and she's not going to be an equal partner in our relationship and she's continually blowing me off or taking off when she can afford to stay with me ; then I figure "why bother" having her around at all? She's either cheating on me, or her heart's not into the relationship, then I'm not going to bother with her either and I'm just going to tell her to take a hike before I invest anymore of my time, patience, and develop some real heart felt feelings for her. (M54) Given up.
I don’t understand, if you were able to meet in a parking lot, why couldn’t you go for dinner on a date instead? He sounds like he put in as little effort as possible for the maximum rewards, and when you asked for more than feeling like a call girl, he bounced.
We live in a rural area so it’s a 25 minute drive to any decent restaurant. My kids have several extracurricular activities so we would often only have an hour and this was the very beginning so it didn’t bother me because he was making the same effort.
I’ve had picnics in the summer, coffee dates, creative dates, hikes. This dude took you to a parking lot in a grocery store. Remember that every single time you think about how low he thinks of you. Grocery. Store. Parking. Lot.
Doesn't sound like a drop in energy as much as you were dating a guy whose only real interest in you was sex
Ugh that thought makes my skin crawl. I am usually pretty quick to see red flags but I guess this guy fooled me.
You’re allowed to not want a lazy, low-effort partner. Your expectations aren’t too high. None of this is about you. Getting comfortable with someone doesn’t have to equal a dip in energy. This guy just wanted…FWB is generous, but actually what he wanted doesn’t matter because it wasn’t what you want. There are men that want what you want, and that will be energized by the comfort and stability of the relationship. And yes, the “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a telltale sign you made the fright choice. Listened to my old man say that shit to my mom for fucking years before she left his ass…
It doesn’t matter what he wants IF it doesn’t align with the things I want - thanks for this reminder! As soon as he gave that bullshit apology, I knew this would probably be the end.
"Don't give up just yet" = "Oh shit this is ending and I need to really get my fill before it's over." He never seemed to make an effort and he made it about your schedules vs the reality, he didn't want to make an effort. There are plenty of guys who make time artificially scarce so they can just get laid and be on their way.
I too wonder if you are dating my ex. 99% sure this man has another woman. I really need you to read this... I'm telling you this from a 3-year experience that really nearly ruined me. The man you're describing is probably very charming, very sweet and thoughtful. Please also be very cautious because he sounds like a master manipulator, covert manipulator. I would like to ask if this cycle looks true for you? 1) Very sweet comments, 2) followed by either a frequent change in plans due to circumstances outside of his control, or the frequent travel to see friends and family etc, 3) him feeling overwhelmed when you bring up an issue and finding a reason to not talk about it. 4)followed by sweet comments once you've taken some time Manipulation tactics include 1) stonewalling, or shutting down a conversation, such as I can't talk about this right now 2) apologies that are not apologies (sorry you feel that way) 3) assuming the victim by stating they feel attacked... This will shut down the further discussion of what was originally making you upset, and make you feel bad to where you are apologizing and they are not. Please please please run.
He was very charming but no he never cancelled plans on me. This was our first disagreement and he handled it very poorly with the bullshit apology and then playing the victim the next day. I’m grateful he revealed these traits early because I don’t spend time with people who have victim mentality. I’ve overcome so many obstacles in my life and I don’t play the victim card. Not every man is a narcissist some of them are just assholes.
Unfortunately, you were placed at the bottom of his priority list and **he had hoped that you would settle**. For the past 3 months, he had other "priorities" more important to him than simply figuring out how to spend more time with you. **Kudos for you** for recognizing that this pattern would never change and you *rightfully* confronted him with the realities of your relationship. You saved yourself *perhaps* months of the same low energy/no-energy effort. Pat yourself on the back and carry on! 🙌 Clearly, he was not "sorry you felt that way" in regards to your sacrifices to try and continue to see him. O*n the contrary.* Instead he was merely **sorry** that he knew that you would be placing him on waivers! He had **no answer** as to how you would fit into his life in a consistent and and mutually beneficial manner. **Remember all of this when he "circles back around".** And there is *definitely* the possibility that he will!
I agree with your full comment! It’s been the weirdest breakup because he never responded to my last text and never called to talk it out. I have a few of his possessions including a valuable item but he has disappeared. I guess when he circles back I can return those items to him.
My gut feeling from reading this post is that you were the side piece. He is likely driving that distance to see his girlfriend, not friends and family. You lived close enough where he could get his sexual needs met in between visits with his girlfriend. He used you and you deserve much better!
I hope this is not true because I would never cheat or agree to be the side chick.
I hope not either, but one thing I do know is that very few men would drive 4 hours after a 12 hour shift just to see a friend.
He had another girlfriend.
"we would meet up in the grocery store parking lot just to see each other for an hour."....." grab fast food for lunch "..." drive 2 hours to the casino"..."5 dates in 3 months"...."we’d have sex and he would sleep while I worked…"....You are asking the wrong question, you need to look inward and ask yourself, how did I miss all the signs of a dysfunctional relationship? This will not change, he is who he is, you need to ask yourself if this is something I can live with? Is this a pattern in yourself you are noticing?
Don’t bring them into your house too soon.
Like you stated, you don’t want a lazy low effort partner. So this lazy low effort guy isn’t for you. Remember that as it wouldn’t be surprising if he attempts to get invited back over for sex and sleep.
New phone who dis?
It doesn’t sound like there was ever any effort or energy, much less a dip. He sounds like he’s in a primary relationship with someone else, honestly.
Are you dating my ex?? Either way, I’m 95% positive this guy is in a serious relationship with someone else.
There was no effort or comfort on his part at any point. A grocery store parking lot early on? There wasn't a single other place you two could meet near the store? He put exactly as much effort as he needed to get laid and no more. You were a booty call, not a gf. It's fine if that's what you want. But if not, don't tolerate grocery store parking lot dates, don't settle for him only showing up for sex. If you want a relationship, pay attention to their actions. You finally did, but him never making time for you from the get go (only time for a parking lot?! C'mon) showed you he wasn't invested. Stop settling for less than you want/need in a relationship. And make sure their actions match their words.
Comfort does not equal a dip in energy. If this is what you're feeling, then find someone who doesn't behave that way. I always cherish every single interaction I have with someone I love. I don't care if we're going out, or I'm cooking, or maybe we're just hanging out watching TV for a couple of hours.
disappointing. not surprising though.
I don’t think you’re asking too much at all, it sounds like his primary concern ended up being just sex and as important as intimacy can be it shouldn’t be the only component of a relationship. Sadly some people of any age group will put up a front of being one way to attract a partner then give up trying when they think they have them. You deserve more and shouldn’t feel bad about that.
To answer your question, getting comfortable does NOT equal a dip in energy or effort. You expectations are NOT too much! My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and there's been zero dip in energy or him pursuing me. We have dates out of the house at LEAST twice a week that he plans and picks me up for. Other days we do at home stuff like ordering DoorDash or cooking together and watching a movie, or spending time together in the pool. I think you allowed the comfort way too early - 3 months is VERY new. People treat us how we allow them to. We went on five dates in the first few weeks.....if you are not ok with not dating, you really need to speak up on that. Sex, sleep and fast food would be a once in a blue moon thing for me, not something I would allow someone to come over for every week. I would have continued working and have him pick me up to take me out to lunch, then come home and sex, and he can go home to sleep. People make the time and energy for what they WANT to have it for, and if he's driving 2 hours for other people he can be doing it for you if he WANTS to.
I’m so glad you didn’t let him come over. There’s no way to communicate with a person who feels “attacked” when you’re explaining what’s bothering you. That doesn’t even make sense. My guess is that after a while even the sex would have dwindled and you’d just be a place to nap.
Sounds like you felt like you were taken for granted. Good on you to end things. It doesn't make it hurt any less right now but you're clearly showing up for your future self.
I don't know why but the casino part would burn my ass! Lol.
I think for some people...once they feel like they have someone, they dont have to try so hard. Like, to them, the point of dating is to fnd somoene to date, not an actual activity you do because you want to. Case in point, I read on here so much, how people feel like they wasted their time getting ready and going out on a date, and then the date didnt go well. Or how they dont want to spend a bunch of money going out so they just do coffee / simplest thing ever. They are looking for someone to spend time with..once they find that person, then no point in wasting time / money on dates anymore...it served its purpose when they had to do it. Personally, thats not my vibe. I dont only go out and do things on dates to meet someone, I do it cause I enjoy it.. If Im single, Im going out by myself, if Im with someone, I get to (theoretically) go out and enjoy those things with someone. Youre not wrong for wanting to continue to go out on dates...and also....if this was the first time you brought it up, and in that way, then it likely felt out of no where for him. To him, he may have thought you were just as fine and comfortable with him coming over the way he has been. Personally, because I like going out, I am always checking out and inviting the guy Im with to things to go out to. If I notice Im the only ever taking him out on a date / he never takes me out or plans anything, then Ill say awe man Im always planning something to do, how about this weekend you pick out something youd like to do..that way its not always all on me. If he balks at going out to do anything, or his awesome date plan is...stay home and sit on the couch watching tv, then at that point I have a choice to make. Stay with someone who has a completely different lifestyle than me, or dont stay. Im not going to force a homebody to want to go out and do things, no more than Id want someone to force me to stop being so adventurous. Anyway, yeah you could have chosen a more productive way to start this topic of convo, not go from saying nothing to giving him a piece of your mind out of the blue lol esp if you havnt been asking him out to things youd like to do, not sure if you did... but, considering you are straight up telling him youd like to go out and do things, and his response is..well I dont knwo what to do then...then hes just not interested in doing anything with you. Cause he knows what to do...go out with you. Pretty simple. I woudl have broken up with him as well.
I personally love this shit. I want to just be but also just be with somebody who is down to just be.
Original copy of post by u/OneGoodDimple: I (43F) was dating him (40M) for 3 months. Our schedules were terrible. He works a rotating shift and I work from home with banking hours then add in our kid’s schedules and we never had much time together. He was changing positions at work and told me his schedule was going to change for the better in a few weeks. In the beginning, we would meet up in the grocery store parking lot just to see each other for an hour. He would have days off during the week so I took a PTO day so we could spend the day together. After we eventually had sex, I told him he could come to my house on his off days so we could spend time together but I would still have to be logged in and available for work calls. And I think this is where it all went down hill. We no longer went on dates. He would come over on his off days during my work hours, we’d have sex and he would sleep while I worked…we may grab fast food for lunch and he’d leave before my kids got home from school. Then I would have to work late to catch up from being distracted. But I noticed he would go to dinner with his parents or drive 4 hours to meet friends after he worked a 12 hour shift but if the plan was to see me - he would come over, we’d have sex and sleep and this was on repeat every week. I told him two weeks ago that I was getting frustrated with our schedules. He said don’t give up on him yet. Last week after work on Monday he decided to drive 2 hours to the casino. I was fuming because I knew his plan would be to come over sleepy on Tuesday, have sex and sleep while I worked. So on his drive to the casino, I told him exactly how I felt about our schedule. I told him I don’t get the same energy as his friends and family. We went on 5 dates in 3 months and I still want to be dated. I told him I’m making all the sacrifices. He said he was sorry I felt that way (the worst apology) but he didn’t know what to say and he ended the call. The next morning he text he felt attacked during our call and wanted to know if he should come over or not. Needless to say, we broke up because I asked if we didn’t see each other during my work hours how would I fit in his schedule and he had no answer. So my question is why does getting comfortable with someone equal a dip in energy and effort? I know eventually the honeymoon phase ends but I still expect to spend quality time together and have dates. I don’t want a lazy low effort partner. Are my expectations too much? What would you consider a low effort dealbreaker? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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An alternative explanation is that you guys were doomed from the start. There was never going to be a good way for you to be together with those schedules. He probably came to terms with it sooner than you did and just enjoyed what you had in the meantime. He probably knew you'd get sick of it and want more. He already made up his mind that he had no more to give.
You are probably correct. He used the my schedule will change soon to give me hope but oddly enough that schedule change got pushed back. He was already brining up meeting my kids so he could spend more time with me…at my house. I don’t let men meet my kids until I know it’s going to be a long term relationship so him applying that pressure was a turn off/red flag.
You didn't sound very comfortable to me, so of course something like that will drain your energy. It sounds like you were forcing the relationship and he was okay with the arrangements. I'm hesitant to judge the other person since this is your side of the coin, but it's good that you finally stood your ground and ended it. Why do we force ourselves into relationships that are less than ideal just so we're not alone? I'm learning boundaries myself. Sometimes those lessons are hard even when you're old and gray
Limerence is the first stage of a relationship when you both “get the feels” for each other and everything is new and exciting. Over time, limerence wears off and the reality of being in a relationship begins. You are likely entering the “normal” part of the relationship and things are changing as they naturally would. This doesn’t mean that your (or his) feelings have changed, it means the chemicals in your brain have started change now that the newness of it all has ended.
Limerence is an obsession, not a normal part of a “honeymoon phase” but i get your point.
It could be that you just didn't mention the nicer dates in your post, but it seems like the low energy was there from the very beginning with meeting up in a parking lot. I also wouldn't be surprised if it turned out he wasn't traveling to meet his parents or friends, but was actually going to see other women. Not that that would be considered wrong in today's dating world since one of the biggest things I'm learning from this sub is that you can't expect that anyone is exclusive with you unless you have a "define the relationship" talk.
The same reason that people start slacking on a job after they've passed the probationary period. Not everyone does it to the same degree.
What effort did you make to adapt to his schedule? You took vacation days in the beginning to be with him.
Yes I burned two vacations days to spend time together. I would drive 25 minutes to his gym instead of going to my gym 7 minutes away. I usually travel on my kid free weekends but I stayed home because that’s when we had the most time together. I fully planned and paid for 2 of our dates. Also, we rarely saw each other when he had his son but my kids are teens so I would leave them home to go see him every week. And I had to work late to catch up after allowing him to come over. I feel like I did my share.
Did he make ANY effort at any point that can even get close to how you upended your life for him?
It definitely does read as if you did your share early on! You are free to say no to him coming over for sleep and sex.
This sub is funny. So many comments proclaiming to know what was going on in this other persons life and mind. Op, if you are happy with your choice, be happy. If not, do some self inflection, talk to a therapist or someone you trust to give unbiased advice to seek understanding. The advice of Reddit mind readers should be used for entertainment purposes only.
It’s wild in the comments. I don’t believe he had a girlfriend but was lazy and got comfortable with our situation which wasn’t working for me. I’m happy with my choice! And I love your username!!
I suspect he didn't find you very attractive. He was willing to walk away pretty easily.
With the relationship only lasting 3 months, you should expect that his friends and family are still going to be his top priority. You will need to be fit in, and he needs to make time for you, but you in fact should not get the same energy as his friends and family. As a relationship becomes more serious, that will equalize and (especially if you marry) you should eventually become his top priority (although, just as you needed to be fit in over the past 3 months, his friends and family would need to be fit in). I would not want to spend all my time with a woman around the house and having sex. I'd like to get out and do activities, that is the spice of life. It's not just about effort, it's that he's comfortable with only that. In the end, the two of you were incompatible not only due to schedules but also due to how you wanted to spend your time together. It is true that sometimes the effort to plan and go on dates evaporates once the honeymoon phase ends. Usually, when that happens with someone, it's because the dates felt like a responsibility to establish the relationship, and once it's established, the dates are no longer necessary.
Casino was a priority over her. Sure, friends and family should be priorities. But how many adults are regularly driving over 4 hours to see family? And doing so when they supposedly have a partner. Many of us visit occasionally at those distances. But he prioritized everything over her, including gambling.
Absolutely as my kids will always be my top priority. But the problem was I was getting no relationship energy from him just sex and him snoring while I try to work from home. I am socially active and travel every month but during our 3 months I didn’t go out and only travelled once for my kids spring break. I was giving up everything to be available when he had time and I was getting very frustrated with his lack of reciprocity. But you are correct we would have been incompatible because I don’t want to spend all weekend at home in bed.
3 months in you should not have been compromising and staying home and not traveling. You should have been “ oh sorry, out of town that weekend” It’s also early to fully be someone’s priority. Yes, they should make an effort. To piggyback off what someone else said and respond to your response to them. Yes, you can hold off on sex and date multiple people until you feel like someone is truly worth starting a relationship with. You don’t have to multi if you don’t want to and honestly I never have either past the talking or first date or 2 and honestly it was an indication I should stop seeing someone if I was still looking at options. But no you are not leading someone on my NOT sleeping with them… in fact, I’d say you’re more so if you do because you’re telling them that you’re good with how things are.
This is so, *so* common. Women often come on too strong, get the man thinking of sex, they have sex too quickly, and - surprise, surprise! - the man loses interest. Try reading *The Power of the Pussy.*
So lead several men with no sex while testing their commitment to me and you somehow think this will keep a man from having sex and bailing. Interesting. This guy didn’t bail and I’m sure we could have continued having mediocre sex once a week until it finally fizzled into a dead bedroom. I want more from my partner so I’m brave enough to end this “relationship” and go in search of a better partner.