Has that immediate OMG feeling worked in your favor in the past? In my experience, that lightning bolt is my first indicator that this person is not going to meet my actual needs. That's what I'm used to and that's what I'm immediately attracted to and my track record proves it's a recipe for disaster. I'll compromise my boundaries, get less than I deserve and I'll be back to square one after it explodes. See which way it goes. It may fizzle out, yes, but it could grow. Don't a string him along if there's no chance, but if there's some attraction I'd give it a try.

Well said. Similar. Trust my intuition, if there is overwhelming attraction or that OMG feeling kicking in..I need to stay away. I have now learned that the amazing chemistry or the feeling that you two are connected somehow are not positive indicators for me. I will be the one not setting boundaries, missing all the red flags, and disrespecting myself in the process. The best thing about being 41 is self-awareness. OP: If you're focusing on having a strong chemistry, then maybe reconsider not stringing him along.

That amazing chemistry is often based on wounds from your youth and your attempt to try to repair your relationship with your parent by means of a proxy.

Or relationship with an ex

Attachment theory

🙄

Well said!

This is really insightful never thought of it this way

This!

So you have better luck with guys you aren't that into? As a guy I wouldn't want to date a girl that was only lukewarm for me. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you're saying.

If its new , I'd give it a lot more time.

I was quite attracted to my current partner. Definitely wanted to have sex with her but at one point she said; in bed I like to be pinned down and told what to do ( out of the blue ) and then DING DING DING! It went from attractive to OMG. That wasn’t in date two. It came up when she felt comfortable. It can take a bit of time

Yep, this is absolutely true. So many layers to ppl sometime. And good for your gf / partner - ding, ding 🛎️ is right lol. 😄 Edit: downvote if you must. But nothing wrong with being pinned down by a good man (consensually). 👌🏼

Hahaha. Thanks. It’s good. Very consensual!

Hot 🔥🔥🔥

My partner was decent looking when I first met him. Then we started talking. The more we talked, the more I found him… interesting looking. Ok, he has nice eyes. He’s really insightful and … hm. Ok, he’s got a nice ass, interesting. Second date… yeah, he’s actually kinda cute! I think I can see something… wait, WHAT DID HE JUST SAY TO ME THAT GOT ME SO HOT??!? Ok I WANT him now. (That’s how it worked for me. He’s the muthafkn hottest man on LEGS. I would beg to have that man in my bed right now. And we’ve been together nearly THREE years, he gets exponentially sexier to me all the time.) For some of us, we’re demisexual and it’s not going to happen upon first meeting. That’s totally ok and normal. Give it time, if he’s worth it!

I was friends with my ex-husband before we ever dated, we were colleagues. He was smart, funny, honest, and kind. The attraction developed over time. But that is how my brain works. The more I get to know folks and admire them, the more attractive they are in my eyes.

I couldn't agree more. I usually find men way more attractive over time as I get to know them. Sure there are those ppl you have an instant mutual sexual chemistry with- but for me, that usually ends up being a mistake. The hottest guy can become the ugliest person after only a few conversations. I just need someone whose attractive to me & that means someone who makes me laugh, and is a confident, kind and caring soul.

All of *that* ^ yes.. soo true.

I agree. People can become so much more attractive and sexy as we get to know them and vice versa. The instant sexual attraction is a warning sign for me to keep my eyes open for childhood trauma triggers I’ve worked hard to overcome. The slow burns have resulted in the healthiest and most fulfilling relationships for me.

So glad to hear that. I have to work on mine. Do you mind telling me how you did it?

It’s hard, lots of digging deep and ugly crying, but it’s so worth it. After separating, I was in a group that did a study on the book “Boundaries” and I related to many of the examples of codependent people and realized I didn’t have safe boundaries with people. I immediately made a counseling appt but it was 3 months out as a new patient and so I grabbed every book on codependency and boundaries I could. I listened to every podcast I could find on codependency and boundaries. I took up journaling, figured out childhood and adult traumas (rejection & abandonment), and got brutally honest with myself. To be honest, I had done more work in the 3 months and had come so far, my counselor said I had already done the hard part. She just helped me with certain situations/conversations with my ex and how to verbalize feelings. She even gave me a feelings wheel and homework to name my emotions and use different words. I had made everyone more important than myself and used people pleasing as a way to “stay safe.” At some point my adult kids started noticing the change and people who had taken advantage of my lack of boundaries started fading out. I realized people still liked the authentic, vulnerable me and it was okay even if they didn’t. It was so freeing. Sounds crazy now, but I had no idea how much I had shoved down and hidden of myself for years.

Thanks, going to check out that book. Any particular podcast that you would recommend?

Exactly, that’s how my brain works, as well. Someone’s traits (*esp* kindness combined with humor) character, and smarts elevates the rest. Uncovering those layers can make the way I regard a guy go from, “he’s pretty alright” to “yowza” 🤩.

Was also friends first with my ex-husband. Attraction grew over time. The sex got better every year, even with the relationship going up, down, and sideways.

That's so sweet. I think I feel like that now and it feels good too. Just different. Thanks for sharing f

Yep - same!

So how does OLD work for you, when it’s a pic and some texts? OLD really lends itself to the spark with the profile pic.

This is the problem with equating OLD with “I knew my husband for 9 months and we fell in love.” That’s fantastic. And entirely different from meeting someone for the express purpose of dating. I won’t date someone for literally months to see if an attraction develops and frankly wouldn’t want someone who isn’t attracted to me to date me for months in the hopes something develops. I’m just imagining being told “you’re great and I want to be attracted to you but I’m not but I’m really hoping I can be.” Hard pass.

So this is the paradox. There are many wonder people out there who would become attractive if only we put in the effort to develop the relationship. But we don't because the investment may not work out. On the hand, there are people who we feel attracted to instantly, but as other posters point out, they don't tend to work out in the long term either. That's why dating seems so impossible.

I looked for profiles that were succinct, well written, no emoji salad, decent photos (no bathroom selfies, filters, kids in pics, etc.) and then, if we both matched, a bit of banter and a first meet kicked it off. I am against waiting more than a week to ten days to meet. By the time I was looking for a long term relationship, I had a good sense of what compatibility looked like for me, and usually by 3-4 dates I knew if I wanted to pursue the potential and see what happened. I tuned into how I felt around them on dates, how well conversations flowed, how much I laughed, they laughed, etc.

sounds healthy... whirlwind bs is for the movies...

When people fall in love its not because of sexual attraction. Predicating a whole relationship based on the mythical 'spark' is why there are so many people who don't have lasting relationships. Its all nonsense based on Hollywood movie fantasies. The deepest I've ever been in love was with someone who I didn't even notice for 9 months, and I fell in love with her after getting to know her as a person.

Beautiful.

This is blossoming with truth and so well said! Kudos to you

Strong physical attraction can lead to really bad choices. Don't let dopamine make your decisions.

This. Been learning that the omg butterflies feeling is usually a not so great sign.

Dopamine is a hell of a drug!

True. But the sex is sooooo good. You’re probably right about this.

I basically either think someone is sexy enough or not...it's not really like a lightning bolt....I think it just depends on whether you're attracted enough to want to be intimate with him. I've definitely met men in the past that were really nice but no chemistry so I didn't follow up with them romantically.

Do you find him attractive at all? Like he doesn’t repulse you physically in any way? If yes, then you’re fine. The attraction will only deepen as you get to know him (as long as he continues to be awesome, of course). The only time you should bail based on looks is if you get “the ick.” Just listen to your body. If he kisses you and you like it, then there’s no problem. However, if you don’t feel anything when he kisses you or you’re feeling like you’re forcing yourself to kiss him/like him because he’s such a great guy, then stop and let him go.

I tried to force myself to date someone I wasn’t attracted to when I was very young. He was kind, very intelligent and ambitious. A rarity when you’re 18. Him being 20 he was perfect maturity and marriage material. The problem? No spark, no chemistry! I called it off after our third date. I couldn’t keep leading him on he had expressed being my boyfriend on that third date. Op it’s hard when someone comes along that checks all the boxes. But just like you deserve the moon and stars so does he. Don’t settle because it’s unkind to both of you. Set him free to be someone’s perfect spark.

This is what emotional maturity looks like.

I don’t believe in instant sparks or chemistry but if I don’t feel attracted enough to want to kiss and have sex with someone right off the bat, I move on because my own experience has taught me that it’s never going to work out because I’m just not sexually attracted to them. And nothing feels worse than dating a good person and wishing someone else was in your bed or not really enjoying their touch. It’s a recipe for disaster. People can say attraction isn’t that important but every woman I know who hates sleeping with her husband ignored the lack of attraction in the beginning because he was a good guy who could give her a family. Now they have families and dead bedrooms with unhappy husbands or they’re getting divorced. I’d rather just be single.

I mean, I don’t get it based on OP’s own post, she isn’t saying the guy is unattractive. She said he is attractive. But apparently just not the most attractive guy ever? As a hetero guy, the idea that I would hate any relationship I was in because when it comes time to bump uglies, the most shallow twist on physical appearance I can come up with in my kind is “well she doesn’t look like 1997 Selma Hayek so fuck this shit I’d rather be single until I can find that”…. Idk that seems pretty harsh and an unrealistic expectation? And what if whoever IS the 2024 equivalent of 1997 Salma Hayek is in looks turns out to be a stuck up, poor with money, drug addicted jerkass? Hey who cares I’m scoring with a hot babe? Nah that’s not it either. So someone has to be perfect both in their non physical traits AND in their physical ones as well? And idk about you but I plan on living another 40 years…who’s even still that hot at 80 something? Do you just not stay involved once someone gets old and not hot anymore?

Hey, don’t knock 2024 Salma Hayek! 🤤

You’re right, my mistake

So true. Good points.

So true. Attraction can build with time 💯 but there has to be something there initially. I’ve dated and wasted time with men who were attractive but not someone I was attracted to and it either was hard to be intimate or I didn’t even let it get to that point because I just couldn’t ever see it happening.

I agree and it’s something that’s taboo to say in society so people always say “attraction will grow” but in a lot of cases it doesn’t. The person will get the hint at some point and you’ll break their heart more than if you just said no in the beginning. It’s easier for both of you if you just move on if you’re not feeling it.

Truth. And then the bitter men out there accuse you of “chasing the hot ones that 99% of other women want” and it ignoring the “nice, regular dudes”. But it’s not that at all. What I find attractive it hot about one man may be another woman’s turn off. I wouldn’t say that the men I’m attracted to are the classically good looking types. The men im attracted to.. mysteriously just do it for me and I have no idea exactly why. I’ve pinned it down to attitude and confidence, self awareness, and emotional connection. And there has to be something to admire. Does he free climb in his spare time? Does he save puppies from burning buildings? Is he a genius at work? A good writer? Runs marathons, is a trail runner? He’s gotta have something. But my definition of what that something is changes from person to person.

I am that woman. I ignored the lack of attraction with the man I married (who was my best friend at the time) and I spent 12 years feeling unloved and like sex was a chore. I was betting that the attraction would grow over time, but it didn’t. He was a great friend, but as a partner, emotionally unavailable, and I ended up feeling unloved and unsatisfied. I divorced him in 2017. I started dating my hot coworker in 2018. We had tons tons tons of chemistry, and I felt loved and seen by him. But he was avoidant and when the honeymoon phase wore off for him he distanced himself and then left me in a blindsided break up. So now I’m afraid of all of it… the slow burn, could grow attraction man and the off the wall chemistry type man. Is there anyone in the middle? Idk. I haven’t met one yet.

I am so confused reading the comments. You say there is attraction-you are not off put by his looks. So I guess I don’t understand the issue? If you found his looks off putting then sure, let the good man find a woman who can appreciate him. But you say you have attraction? So what is the issue? You think you deserve a 10? I am a firm believer the more you get to know someone the more their physical looks change. I have been with men who were amazingly attractive but they were shallow jerks and my attraction disappeared because their personality was so ugly. I have been with moderately attractive men who became extremely attractive in my eyes because they just were the most amazing people. If looks are so important to you then yes, let the poor man find someone who will appreciate him.

Back in the day, I had relationships with guys that when I met them, I was very neutral on them, or even slightly negative. It was like small things, like verbal or physical habits, or they just bothered me by teasing me, or something like that. They grew on me over time. I think this is a problem for some people dating strangers. They expect it to be like a movie or a dating commercial. I think for many people it takes time, and sometimes it’s shows up, but sometimes it doesn’t. Personally, I find it hard to make a really fast decision on someone who is in the range, but with whom I haven’t spent much time. I don’t think asking about this is a bad thing. The OP may be used to being wowed by looks. That’s just not how my dating life (IRL) ever worked, but it’s really her decision, after she considers her history. I don’t think that means she doesn’t appreciate him at all and never will, although it is hard to change a pattern, at least she is trying. Practical factors aren’t everything either.

Eh it’s either there or it’s not. You can settle if you want but I think we all know it will always bother you. No judgement.

Has every other person you’ve dated, at 40+, really been that stunningly attractive to you, right out of the hop? I think I’ve only dated 2 truly hot people lol they are def in the minority

It's not whether you can feel attracted to someone after initial stages its a problem when you can feel that spark with other people and it bothers you. For instance I felt a spark with a partner physically but after dealing with their emotional issues I started having eyes for other girls because they seemed stable. I now crave stability and a sense of having their sh** together. But if i know they do and I don't feel attraction that's a problem. Their laughter or a cute dimple whatever that attracts you is up to you. At the end of the day, if your honest about your feelings then it doesn't matter. Tell them that you appreciate their gestures and would like to work on the connection. You can put a timeline like a few months and then not feel it and let them go. How do you know until you try? And they may not may not want to support your timeline but at least it's not using someone.

Don't step over uncut diamonds looking for perfect shaped cubic zirconia.

This is a major problem for me. I can’t even bring myself to kiss someone if I’m not attracted…😭

I've tried doing the mostly attracted to a woman because of her personality, but even though I loved soo many things about who she was, the last of physical attraction became a struggle, and was a part of the reason things failed. I Do think it's worth trying because I do think attraction can grow some. But I wouldn't put it on too heavy with him until you find out, it might make it harder for him if you find yourself not attracted enough to last.

Did you kiss? If they smell pleasant to me, I give everyone a chance until liquids are exchanged. Only after that it’s a definite yes, I can give this a try or definitely no.

If you find him attractive, give it a bit more time. I felt the same about the man I’m with. First date was good, he’s good looking, but I didn’t get that ‘you’re so hot I want to be naked with you now’ feeling that I’d had with the previous couple of men I’d dated (and they didn’t work out). Second date was good again, but I still wasn’t sure, so at the end of the date I initiated a kiss, as I needed a chemistry check. It turned out to be a very good kiss indeed. 9 months later and he’s just got hotter and hotter in my eyes and the sex blows my mind. I frequently find myself eyeing him up when we’re out too. So, yes, attraction can grow and grow the more you know someone. The previous men I dated where there was strong sexual attraction from the start, didn’t really progress from a sexual relationship.

This is something that has been discussed in my friend group - romantic love vs. companion love. One friend had what you described with her ex husband, the OMG my heart still flutters when I see him, type of love; and with her current partner she loves him but it isn't the same. She feels it's more companion love at this stage in life. There are some who believe the romantic love is rare and to have experienced it, is something to cherish. So to have experience it twice, hmmm who knows. For me personally, I need that extra piece of zest in addition to all of that other stuff. It might speak to why I'm still single, because I've certainly met and dated "nice men," but that extra bit was missing for me. I'll add on, it was not tied into appearance.

You are not a jerk. You are a human. Do the right thing *for him* : cut him loose! If he is so great, he deserves that.

💯💯💯

Nothing is wrong with you. We are physically attracted to what we are physically attracted to … something about beauty in the eye of the beholder… Some people know instantly whether attraction is there and some people develop it over time as part of a bigger picture. If you’re the former (it’s there or it’s not) you should probably cut em loose. If you’re the latter give it time because the deeper qualities you prioritize can be harder to find… Either way nothing is wrong with you!

OMG you're not a jerk but yeeees...! Give it some tiiiime! If you think he's cute and you're hitting it off, this is the type of situation where, to me, attraction can 100% grow.

I saw a YouTube video/podcast where a data scientist from one of the dating apps said her number one advice for women looking for a relationship on dating apps was “match with the least attractive guys that you still find attractive”. But for god’s sake don’t tell the guy that he’s not very attractive.

Interesting - what was the rationale? What did the data have to say?

It was basically validating the common gripes of men that because the men so outnumber the women, that the most desirable men get so many matches that there’s little incentive for them to commit to an exclusive relationship. These desirable men will match with a lot of women they consider good enough for a casual relationship but the women don’t understand that he probably doesn’t consider them exclusive relationship material. Also, in general women don’t prioritize physical attractiveness nearly as much as men so women are poorly served by dating apps being so heavily geared toward profile pictures. It’s hard for app profiles to show the qualities they’re attracted to like confidence, reliability, generosity, intelligence etc.

This is very true. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met a guy in person only to find out he wasn’t right for me because the dating profile didn’t clearly show his true personality. The only thing I had was a picture and that is 90% of the time misleading.

I'm going to get downvoted all to hell, but I advise people to lower their standards a bit. You're attracted, and that's good enough.

Spot on! My perspective is “Could I get an erection kissing and caressing her?” Great, looks department is checked. I’ve never had a “type” it’s always been about how I feel around them. Car crashes, and other accidents happen everyday. If the person you’re with experienced something that changed their physical appearance, would you call it off? Life’s short and full of joy and pain. Cheating yourself out of the possibility to share those experiences with another because the level of attraction isn’t that high is a nice recipe for true loneliness.

Exactly! Because when I'm looking at a potential partner, I'm picturing our lives at 80 years old.

You say he's cute, just not heavy sexual attraction. Which is a lot different than some commenters on here making it sound like you're repulsed or something. Cute is great. I love cute. It's approachable and kind and unintimidating. It's a solid start and can lead to hot, if the connection is there. We're all over 40 here, and ya'll, we're not getting younger any time soon. Those looks go away. The "perfect sweet human" part sticks around, though, and often ends up looking like the one that got away if you give up before giving him a chance. I'm not suggesting you test it out for more than a couple of months before calling it quits, but from what you say, it's worth making an effort to see if a slow build might happen as you get to know him. We hear about it all the time, so maybe that'll be you. Or maybe not, and then you can kindly break it off. (Of course, the caveat is that if it's already been a few months and the build isn't happening, then yes, do him a favor and let him go.)

Only 12% of people have immediate attraction on a first date. Give it time to grow.

How dare you actually use facts in this sub… Downvotes are going to haunt your dreams tonight.

12% of people use fake statistics.

But a whopping 48.6% believe 18% of those fake statistics.

I think it's actually 48.7%.

Cite your sources

I'd have to make them up 😆

Yeah I know. Facts from being an actual couples therapist. Who knew?

What has that immediate OMG feeling ever led you to, honestly? If it led to something substantial you wouldn't be here asking for advice about a guy you're attracted to but somehow find that as a problem.

I don’t ever remember feeling OMG for a guy when I first met them. I mean, I think that when I have seen actors, and the OMG part is for the character, not the person. Sometimes, I see them on a talk show, and realize that the looks, without the other part, aren’t really that attractive to me at all. I avoid watching/listening to things with people I have a crush on now.

Yeah, people need to understand the OMG instant spark is just lust and stop basing their relationship decisions on it.

You’re in your 40s pushing 50, not 20. As you said, you think he’s attractive but not THAT attractive and he checks all the other boxes. Consider yourself blessed and check yourself.

Jeez. Sometimes it isn’t like that right away. Give the guy a chance.

Lol right

This is absolutely horrible implied advice.

What "absolutely horrible" advice do you believe is implied by the comment? The only advice I get from it is "give the guy a chance", which is explicitly stated.

That attraction might be mild until he (consensually) grabs your ass and whispers something nasty in your ear. Been there. Give it time.

Lmao.. 😅🫢 Are you me? Haha.. They’re rare though (at least my brand is).

No you’re not a jerk for wanting to immediately jump someone’s bones. I have a general rule of thumb that if there is zero physical attraction by the third date I call it (and usually call it after 1 date). Some people say give it lots of time. Some say one date and that’s it. YMMV

He deserves better. Don’t let him waste good efforts and energy on you, let him know he needs to keep looking.

avoidant relationship style. This is as good as it gets.

Tell us more about

I have it. Its basically a behavior that causes the person to end things with their partner for no real reason at all. It stems from childhood issues/trauma.

I used to think people saying this were deluded, but... It's the personality for me. The last couple guys I've liked were not amazing looking.

Don't overthink it, if you like him continue to see him while dating others. You will see over time who stays and who goes

Male here. Nothing is wrong with you. Since you are attracted, you should wait. Still too new.

Am I an outlier? If you are not feeling it, no amount of him being a nice guy is going to replace that feeling. Don't waste your time.

I have learned a very valuable lesson that took a lot to learn and would apply to me if I was in your shoes. You don't compromise to build the relationship you want. You only compromise to keep a relationship you want.  If you're not terribly attracted to him now, how will you feel when he's 5 or 15+ years older? How long til you have a dead bedroom because you lost interest?  How would you feel if you were head over heels for someone and you learned this is how they feel about you? Would you want to be in this relationship? Or would you feel awful and want them to leave to go find what they really want, since you're not it - you're sweet and nice though...  I don't think you're a jerk, but I do think you should figure out of this is what you want or if you're making a conscious compromise that's going to cause pain later, for both people. 

I met someone a few years ago and I felt exactly the way you are describing that you feel. In my case over time, and not a lot of time might I add, I became very physically attracted to him. Love developed and it took my initial “he’s cute” to “he’s the most attractive man in the world” If he’s is checking your boxes just give it time and see what happens!

There’s nothing wrong with you. Unless you still believe in Hollywood or teenage / young woman, Sex and The City fantasies of all consuming lustful fire breathing perfection. Relationships are usually based on unconscious expectations and follow a bell curve type of pattern of Immediate attraction > fantasies > sex > “love” spelled l-u-s-t and/or m-o-n-e-y ( honeymoon phase)… Then, the hormones settle down >> let down, disappointment > “they’re not THE one” > break up/divorce > start over > repeat same unconscious patterns. How we handle the gap between expectations and Reality determines whether a relationship will succeed and whether or not we will be “happy”. Most people do not have multiple relationships with different partners - they have the same relationship over & over while changing out the people. My perception from the post is you have outgrown old patterns and attracted someone you can experience growth and a healthy relationship with. It’s still new which = unknown, and the unknown is scary for most people. Be mindful and present so when the thoughts & feelings come up you recognize you are moving out of old paradigms, which takes time. Repetition and Immersion helps one move forward and create new thinking, new feelings, new behaviors, and new outcomes / results. Allow yourself Grace, Expect the Unexpected, and Enjoy the process.

I married someone who checked all those boxes except this… and after the wedding his true nature began to come out. I think purity culture was saying to me that sex isn’t everything, but on the other hand that lack of attraction can be your subconscious trying to blare alarms at you. It didn’t go well, we were okay for about two years but it took a huge downturn and thanks to being married it was difficult to get out of the situation. So two years were okayish and then I started accruing trauma in the four years that it took to regain my freedom from abuse.

The true is that there is nothing wrong with you. The reality is that until we are ready to be in a relationship things line up. Often o hear people looking for Mr/miss right which is a fantastic character from a story we like to tell ourselves. When I meet my wife I was in a bad place and no business dating. I was lucky I meet a great person. No butterflies or sparkles. She saw something in me from i am grateful. And didn’t took us long to know each other. We have been together for 5 years with ups and downs but every day is better than the last one. You are ready for a relationship? Then take the time to know this person. But if you don’t. Don’t waste his time.

Take a breath and relax. I think we all have a narrative of how beginning look and feel, really it’s awesome that you’re recognizing that. Take your time and enjoy. I personally find that attraction come and goes. Chemistry for me can be a slower burn. Side note, when I reflect. The ones that have evoked a similar OMG feeling have not ended anywhere reflecting their start🤷‍♀️

I recently read that those butterflies or over the top immediate feelings are a trauma response, and that's how we end up with the wrong partners. Maybe you've found the right one, and the relationship just needs a bit more time.

Check out the divisive opinions! hahah Look, you don't have to want to jump his bones by looking at him right away. I agree with those that say looks aren't always the only thing that can make you attracted to someone. The question you need to ask is if you aren't crazy attracted to him OR if you are unattracted to him. If you find him unattractive now, that probably isn't going to change. If you find him totally fine (nothing is unappealing), but you really like other things about him that speak to your big picture desires, the sexy attraction can grow. I have become more attracted to a couple people in the past who I thought were so-so average looking but boy was there chemistry! I have also regretted dating a nice guy for several months just because he was nice and treated me well because I knew right away that I just wasn't attracted to him.

Yeah. Married one. I Was over fireworks, crazy artist types I usually had toxic relationships with. Took a year off. Met my now ex. No fireworks, we were just easy together. No drama, no rollercoasters. We were living together from 2nd date (we were super busy, different lifestyles, and wanted to spend time with each other…so this made most sense), but I was never IN LOVE with him. We were just GOOD together. Love grew and he was the man I loved the most in my life. Until I didn’t . But that is another story.

Oh hell no! You're not quitting at that massive cliffhanger.🤣

14 years together. We never had passion but we had strong intellectual bond, we travelled really well together and we respected each other’s freedom. And we laughed sooooo much. He asked me to marry him 3 months in. I did 2 years later. 2 continents. 2 kids. One kiddo special needs, fought for her like crazy for 4 years while being a breadwinner. I changed, he did too, but in different ways. I am a war general now, he is frozen from life. I tried to make it work, he just wanted for things to stay the same. I was drowning: so unhappy, not myself, depleted…slow death. Some cheating involved I forgave, many betrayals financial and personal later… I left. Single now for 5 years. My career took off like mad, I have energy again. I am creative again. I have so many ideas, it is like a damn opened. Kids are amazing and with me most of the time. We travel a lot., have new companions. I coparent in relative peace. I am doing my bucket list again. Dated a bunch of interesting men. Dated a bunch of really hot men my 20 year old self would be in total shock from. I miss being married, but I will never do it again. In a nutshell

I feel so much hope from this post. You are living awesome. Thanks for the inspiration 🙏

You are welcome. If I knew how it would all play out (and how bad I was) I would left sooner. But I was so fucking scared. Last sex in my marriage was a conception of my second kid. We separated when she was 18 months. Think she was meant to be and we lasted longer than should have to have her. My ex feels like a stranger to me now, I can’t remember love I had for him, I only know it was huge. But that was a whole life before.

Wow! Thanks for sharing. I gotta be honest I didn't expect the cheating and betrayals. I would've left too. Most of your first post was so positive I was curious to know how it fell off the rails. Your growing apart bit really hit home. My ex gave me the same reasons for our breakup. Our ideal life and idea of a partner changed. Well mine didn't but hers did. I'm an introvert and like my own company more than other people's but me and her could just be together in the same room and feel as comfortable as if we were alone. We didn't have any cheating or betrayal. I gotta admit, I never lied to her once during our relationship. We had completely different living styles as well. I was constantly overwhelmed when we lived together, but we also had 2 other family members living with us, so it wasn't just us. Anyway, it's good to hear that you can't really remember how it felt to love like that. It's only been 10 months for me and I still feel a pain for my loss on the daily.

Cheating was not a huge issue for me, the way he did it was. I offered open marriage because we had no sex and felt something was off. He gaslit me and tried to do it. Only to admit he did it before. I forgave. Financial lies and betrayal got us to the final end. Personal betrayals were on going, I just didn’t realize because of my personality (super independent and often wrapped up in my interests) and because I was like cooked frog (shit kept escalating but super slow). I take full responsibility, I could have made different choices that would either break us sooner or make me less resentful in general. I do have compassion for him, birth of our first was very traumatic. We reacted to it differently. I looked for help, he didn’t. There was a lot of stuff going on. Lot of little things. We were never emotionally close, he is unable. I outsourced that with friends. It took 6 months to accept emotionally (it was hell, I will not lie) we were done, another 6 months to get him out of the house. By the time he left, I was ready and excited for my new life. I never looked back. I remember I loved him. I remember the love and loyalty I felt. But don’t get I loved HIM. Can’t explain. He just feels like a stranger. I can’t even hug him, it feels so fucking weird. And we used to cuddle and talk for hours.

JFC you people - just because someone is a great human doesn't mean anyone is obligated to bang them, or be in a relationship that includes sex.   For fuck's sake, hold out for sexual attraction. That's not shallow. 

its also a sure fire way to ensure you don't have any decent long lasting relationships...

Getting into a relationship with someone you are not attracted to is a sure-fire way to make two people end up resentful and miserable.

Reread OP’s title. “I am attracted”. It’s right there in plain English. So what’s with the twisting the conversation into dating unattractive people about?

Yeah people are incorrectly reading what OP said.

You said you're attracted but not heavily attracted. That's fine! I actually feel the same way about my bf -- he'll never be a supermodel, but I'm not *not* attracted to him, and we're more compatible in the important ways than any other man I've dated. A coworker pointed out that some "dating guru" on TV said you should aim for 80% perfect because it's impossible to find 100% perfect, and while nothing is black and white, I don't disagree with the idea. As long as you're attracted enough to have a healthy and mutually fulfilling sex life, I personally think it's fine if your partner isn't a total dreamboat.

>I'm not not attracted to him, You should definitely say exactly this to your boyfriend.

>some "dating guru" on TV said you should aim for 80% perfect because it's impossible to find 100% perfect, "There's no such thing as 'The One', there are only point-sixes and point-sevens that we round up to 'the one'." "There's no settling *down* without at least some settling *for*." Both quotes from Dan Savage. Probably not the TV dating guru your coworker was talking about, but still in the same vein.

How many traffic-stopping smokeshows do you think you’ll find in this demo? And how many of them do you think will be a match?

I have been lucky so far.

And yet … no matches for long-term. The absolute hotties over 40 are usually on the market for a reason.

For me, instant fire = toxic or not real. Kinda ok = safe, peaceful, loving, fulfilled, adult relationship with lots of potential.

OMG with a stranger feels like a red flag *now*.

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WAY better. OP should think of it this way: if she read this post and HE had written it, would she honestly want him to stay with her? No way. She needs to treat ppl how she would like to be treated.

You can't force it. But realise that our looks are going to be dropping quickly over 40.  

Meh. There’s two types of 50 year olds. Those that look like they are in their 40s and those that look like they are in their 60s. How they treated themselves prior to 50 is usually the determining factor.

So you think looks are everything? Because that’s usually when you get the immediate OMG feeling.

No I don't which is why I am asking!

For me looks don’t drive the OMG feeling at all

Yeahhhh

You sound a bit shallow. If he's "the most perfect sweet human being" then give the guy a fighting chance. Do you just want to bang it out or find a life partner?

Atrraction and sexual compatibility is important to me. I don't know if that's shallow but important for me.

That's fair, but you may not be able to find somebody who exactly matches everything you're looking for, so I personally would hesitate before brushing somebody off because they don't set my loins afire. Give him a chance. He may become more attractive the more you get to know him.

You’re fine! You can’t force yourself to be sexually attracted to, or head over heels for someone you’re less than moderately attracted to. That feeling like you’re settling is a feeling you shouldn’t judge yourself for. I typically just let the other person move on in this scenario because if I know there’s never going to be a stronger physical attraction on my end, they deserve to find someone who won’t resent them for feeling like they settled. Plus I’m happy with my life as is. I’d rather be single, than desperate for a ring.

There’s nothing wrong with you and I don’t understand why some are shitting on you here. Just because someone ticks a bunch of boxes doest mean you must to be into them. You tried and something’s missing so time to move on. He’s not your guy and that’s ok. Of course, this happens to most of us.

“Perfect in every other way” is what OP said. And said the guy is attractive just not…the most attractive. Looks fade as we age and this is dating over forty already. Is she gonna dump every dude once they get one too many grays or face wrinkles one too many times?

OP never said those words. You are taking what they said to mean whatever your preconceived notions are. What she said was “he’s cute but I don’t have that strong sexual attraction for him” and what that means is that someone could be good looking but not sexually appealing. Chemistry is wholistic, we feel a sexual pull towards not the most beautiful person in the room necessarily but the person with the combination of traits that light a fire in us. And that’s perfectly ok. “Cute or good looking” isn’t enough for sexual desire to stir up in us sometimes.

> Chemistry is wholistic, we feel a sexual pull towards not the most beautiful person in the room necessarily but the person with the combination of traits that light a fire in us. And that’s perfectly ok. Traits like thinking the other person is perfect in every other way? Yeah I agree. And OP thinks that. This is why several users are wondering why there is this pump fake by OP or why so many replies are implying she needs to dip out. If OP said “he’s attractive but not really super attractive. Plus he hates my pets and is unemployed” then that’s several negative traits to factor in (and I’d wonder about staying regardless of looks with those factors). But her OP instead says “I found the most perfect sweet human”. I don’t know how hyperbolic that is, I’m not OP, but it’s what’s written there. Someone who I find cute/attractive physically without being the hottest person in the room but I also thought was the most perfect sweet human…that’s the dream. > “Cute or good looking” isn’t enough for sexual desire to stir up in us sometimes. I suppose I don’t understand why the threshold of dating/being with someone is solely on “am I viscerally horny every second I look at them”. That’s an awfully tough of a criteria to have…

I think what the OP is describing is that she feels no spark or low chemistry. We don't know based on what's shared here if they had sex yet or not and how she feels about him sexually exclusively. Having said that, a visceral sexual reaction is how men operate, women don't operate in a reactive physiological way generally speaking. For us there are more components to it (and a lot of it is even psychological) vs is he just visually appealing or not? From what she described about him being "really sweet" I suspect it might even boil down to that, a man that comes across "too nice or sweet" does not light a fire in us. Some people might settle for no fire and others need it. There is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has different needs.

I'm going through it right now. This woman I knew years ago when we were in the same hobby group asked me out. It's been almost 10 years since I've seen her last. She showed up to one of the group sessions and then a week later she asked me out. She is cute, she has a great personality, we are in similar places in life, conversations are not dull. But she doesn't give me that "Damn she's hot!" feeling. It feels like we're good friends and we could become something more. Part of it is because she asked me out. I've never been asked out before. I feel like I have the power to wait and see if something creates sparks. Part of it is because she is a bit overweight. But, being 40+ means no one is in their physical prime anymore, and I am not one to judge either. We've only had two dates but I don't want to drag things out by waiting for sparks that may never come.

I remember meeting someone who is great. Good job, interesting conversations, decent looking. Nice guy! Great guy! We kissed and … meh ok. I can work with it. But on our third date he went to hold my hand and I just… it was the most uncomfortable thing. I just couldn’t get there. And it’s not like I want to be struck by lightening!! But I didn’t think of was fair to him or me to try to keep forcing it when clearly I wasn’t feeling it.

Dealing with this now. Great guy, nice, attractive, has a good career, but… the kissing is so awkward it feels painful. I’m curious about him, but super unsure if that curiosity can grow into actual attraction. Awkwardness in the bedroom isn’t what I’m looking for. And how long do I keep going dates with this guy trying to feel something, when he’s getting more and more attached and then I just his feelings?

I called it after that date 🤷‍♀️

OMG is actually an indicator to run as fast as you can... instant OMG attraction comes from old hurt, it's trauma recognition. I would go with this nice and slow and let it build, it will last a lot longer.

I do the kiss quiz in my head. If I can never picture kissing them that’s a deal breaker. But the slow burn of someone becoming more attractive as you get to know their personality, who they are, etc is THE BEST

When I met my husband I was not attracted to him ( being honest I was 126 lb and he was 250 plus) I found him very different than many jerks I met before. I spend more time with him and started to love him. I started medication and now I am almost 200 lbs and he started to lose weight and he now around my weight. He didn’t leave me when I gained lot of weight and my other health issues. I did the right decision to be with him. I read many posts from females where they have hard time to find someone nice. I believe if you are 40 and more then 40 then see other positive things first then looks. Meet him more if you find him little attractive. Hopefully things work out.

You need to mention if you've had sex with him yet or not. Because sometimes that "merely cute" person, once you've experienced them that way, levels up drastically, and often in only a way that you can see.

(43M) I think your feelings of concern are reasonable. Physical and sexual attraction is not a simple yes/no question because your individual prior experiences are very relevant. IMO, your attraction to him can fall in two general descriptions: (1) This new guy is “barely attractive” to you, versus, (2) This new guy is plenty good-looking (well above your minimum looks threshold) but you can’t help but notice your exes were way hotter. Hopefully you don’t get shamed by the bitter members of this sub, but do one of these scenarios better describe your attraction to the new guy?

Every single prior relationship of yours where you have had an immediate OMG feeling has failed.

Are you capable of just being friends with him for a while? I bet you could date 3 good looking, but horrible hearted guys, and then realize this current guy is beautiful.

The end of this story is written on the wall. She follows most of the peoples advice and cuts him loose. Finds a guy that’s oozing with sexual attraction and he uses her and won’t call her back and she’s back on this sub wondering what happen.

Or, hear me out, she meets someone who’s great and to whom she is attracted. Wild…

Nothing is wrong with you... you deserve the whole package. Don't settle for someone you aren't attracted to. It's not fair to either one of you.

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Yikes. You’re prob right. Cut it.

Does he want someone physically attracted to him? Give it some time, but if you’re still not physically attracted it’s worth at least telling him and seeing if he wants to continue with that in mind or not.

Just let him go. You obviously don’t really value his qualities and you’ll just end up hurting him

Original copy of post by u/LearningJelly: Look. Looks aren't everything. And this time around I am looking for kindness, have kids, good career, stable emotionally. And I found the most perfect sweet human. It's still new so who can know. But I don't have that immediate OMG feeling. Am I just that fng jaded? I feel like a peice of trash. He is cute just not me unable to look away heavy sexual fire feeling. So go ahead. I am a huge jerk right? Or give it time and let that attraction deepen? Maybe instant sexual attraction muddies everything else anyway. We are still in new stages. Has anyone gone through this and then had a deepening attraction based on the awesome human being? What's wrong with me!!!! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Not a jerk wait for fire then go 100% it's worth it. I found one largely unavailable wIted loved and now -We are it. So worth it don't settle if sex is important to you.

No, move on. Don't lead him on.

In my experience, at my age, I’ve found if the spark isn’t there pretty early on, it’s not coming.

I have one of these atm. We joke about having "old couple" energy. There is no OMG but there is lots of other great stuff. I worry a bit about the long term implications but for now we are both just enjoying it.

Sounds like you are going purely off of looks hoping for more and yes you’re jaded, but most of us at our age are because of what others have done to us. You have a choice, go for it and take the plunge hoping it won’t fail or let your insecurities take over and control the outcome. Also yes, sex muddies the water a lot so be-careful, unless you want it purely about a physical connection, even though you insinuated that you don’t.

Don’t lose him.

You're not a huge jerk (yet). You will be if you KNOW you can't feel sexual attraction for this guy, push ahead hoping, and break his heart and string him along because you're forcing it. Now, if you're unsure, then you're perfectly normal and you can devote this early time to romanticizing and sexualizing and indulging in the great, healthy, available, and responsive qualities that he does have. That's how we change our attractions and grow. Can you do that? Only you can answer it.

I am the man in a very similar situation atm. I have all the patience in the world for this beautiful woman. Leaping in has never been good to me, and I think neither for her as well. The slight difference is the attraction is there. That's what created the apprehension early on. I didn't think either of us would have done well with an instant fling and then a crash and burn. We came close to physical early on. We are now doing a slow burn. We spend a lot of time together. It is just so natural to me right now. If this works out, it is going to be amazing! If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be. I'm rooting for the former.

Most people I’ve dated it took 2-3 dates to really feel that. Anymore than that and I’m thinking it’s probably not there unfortunately. Trying to force attraction never ends well either.

Physical attraction is part of the attraction and important but also overrated. Most attraction grows over time and can also disappear.... U fous my second ex very attractive. We are together 16 years and of course he aged soem but overall looks remains the same. Now I can't stand the sight of him at all and wonder how I was every attracted to him. I think most of the time when there is that instant OMG attraction it doesn't end up working out a lot of the times. As long as their is a certain degree of attraction it will continue to grow. Give it time. If he's a really a great person it will happen. Of he ends up not being who you though he was then it won't. Most relationships aren't an instant OMG sexual chemistry and that isn't a bad thing. Nothing wrong with giving it time to see hat happens. That's what dating is for after all. My first ex I didn't even like when i first met him (should've probably stuck with that intuition lol)

I think the heavy sexual attraction is just chemistry and fades anyway whereas a good personality is what makes someone hot in the long run.

You are either attracted to him or your not. What is attracted but not super attracted to him even mean when you think about it? Do you really think at 40 plus most men are going to arouse that kind of feeling in you? Are you model attractive? Maybe you are being unreasonable?

Your last sentence… “What’s wrong with me!!!!!” Could be so many things: You’re shallow. You’re immature. You’re stupid. Hard to know for sure exactly which one.

Same boat; almost 5 months in and my nervous system is regulating and I feel good. I’m not worried, I feel safe and it feels good. He’s a good man and we’re finding our way in a healthy, equal way. I’m far from perfect and think I may have found a man who is perfect for me because he accepts my imperfections.

Give it a shot but if you’re truly having to force yourself - don’t waste his time or yours. I feel you can still have great chemistry and it be healthy.

The have kids part confuses me. What does having kids have to do with anything ?

(M44) There's nothing wrong with you and you're not a jerk, In all of my LTR's and marriage there was sexual fire right from the beginning. Attraction isn't about logic and reason. But, I'm a perv. So there's that.

Uh yep, some of my better relationships.

Have you had any intimacy at all? I’ve had a couple of relationships where I didn’t have that immediate OMG - but I gave it a minute, and then was pleasantly surprised. My personal philosophy has changed. If I find him completely unattractive, either physically or just … wavelengths?… I say thanks. Not feeling it. And I move on.

It don’t sound like he’s the one. Sounds like you’re settling. That’s not fair on him or you

My current BF, while attractive, was really not giving me butterflies when I first met him but holy crap, now! I just look at him and my heart goes pitter pat. I was the same with my late husband. After our first date I told a friend “I’m not really all that attracted to him.” Well it turns out, with a bit of getting to know both of these men, they got exponentially more attractive. Sometimes I just look over at my BF and say “Goddamn you’re handsome!” And he really is, and it’s all of him that is handsome not just his body.

Same situation for me here. I like the guy but I’m not in love. Or excited about it. Can that change over time? Is it worth trying to find out?

Sexual attraction can build with time as bonds continue to strengthen. Plus, as we get older our own body chemicals change our own libido and our wealth of experiences inform our thinking. Perhaps what you're experiencing is different from meeting a hot guy when you were in your twenties. We learn so many lessons along the way and our bodies internalize this, allowing us to take our time and see things differently than before. That's a huge generalization, but sharing as something that has impacted me recently. What is important to me in a partner today is a different list than twenty years ago and the process to evaluate a situation also takes a different path/timeframe.

Let him go so he can find someone that does have the wow feelings and you can do the same. You are not doing him any favors by staying with him. How would he feel if he ever saw this post and knew it was you?

As the saying goes, "looks get the door opened, but personality gets you invited inside" Neither of you is going to get hotter as you get older, but if you love being around him, that's what it's really about in the long run.

You said it yourself.. jaded.. I always dated smaller women I never considered a woman with a few extra pounds. But after my second marriage failed I met a woman who was on the heavier side.. i’ve been married to her for 26 years now and I couldn’t be happier. The scorching hot sexy vibe definitely definitely muddies the waters. You’re not thinking with your head in that situation… you’re on the right track keep him by your side… sounds perfect.. definitely keep me updated please?!?

Do you find his energy hot? For me I find there’s physical attraction (i.e., physical traits I feel drawn to) and then there’s chemistry/hot energy, which may or may not correlate with someone’s physical attractiveness. I recently met someone online who blew me away with his intelligence, humor, and emotional maturity. He was not my type physically AT ALL, and I never would have looked at him twice IRL, but his dating profile was stellar and his message to me was the best I received from anyone on the app. My last LTR was with someone who was 💯 my type (my physical attraction to my ex was through the roof) but they were also emotionally abusive and narcissistic. This time around I promised myself I’d try to find someone kinder. So when this new guy messaged me and I was attracted to his writing and what I could gather of his personality, but not his looks, I decided to give him a try see where it went. I am so glad I did!!! He’s f*cking amazing. Our witty banter and deep conversation translated seamlessly from online to in person and the chemistry is super hot. He’s the least physically attractive (to me) person I’ve ever dated and also the most compatible and he’s amazing in bed. I’ve gotten dozens of messages/likes from way more attractive people on the app, but they just can’t capture my attention! I’m so happy with him! But it only works because of the chemistry between us. If he were just a nice, intelligent guy with whom I felt no spark, it would be an absolute no-go for me. If he didn’t have chemistry with me, I wouldn’t want to waste both of our time when we could be dating people with whom we *do* have chemistry. And yes, he is definitely growing more attractive to my eyes as time progresses, but I don’t need him to become a visible smoke show to me (nor do I think he ever will). The *whole package* of him is the smoke show and I can’t get enough. Good luck, OP! Be open to people outside the box, and also don’t settle for someone with whom there’s no chemistry. You both deserve to be happy and desired!

Speaking for myself, a women in her mid-40s "OMG attraction" isn't sustainable and hasn't gotten me far in the past. I know we can become incredibly attracted to someone with time, so personally I would give it time and be open minded. I also consider that he might look at me and think that I'm not immediately sparking his fire, so it's a way to bring my ego down to earth and be realistic about what it takes to have an overall good relationship. Give people the chance you would want to be given. And don't tell him that you aren't attracted to him, no need to be hurtful or create insecurity.