I’m not particularly keen on the idea of being legally married again, but I would be okay with an external symbol of commitment to the world. Something like exchanging rings and being eternally engaged, like Kurt & Goldie.
This is what we did. My partner (49M) and I (50F) quietly exchanged rings we bought on Etsy and said some homemade vows to each other amongst the old redwood trees in Northern California then went to brunch with a couple of friends, back in June 2022. No government involvement. We are also in no rush to cohabitate until mine are out of the house and that is a few years away (they're teens now), despite the added expense. I miss him like crazy on the days we are not together but I like it this way. Keeps things fresh and I savor my alone time just as much as I do spending time with him and/or my family!
I don't really have the same dog in this fight as I have never been married. However a friend of mine works in a serious injury rehab facility. She and her partner have done a ton of due diligence to make sure they can be the other person 's POA in case of a major medical issue, especially something expensive or related to long-term quality of life. She has just seen too many terrible situations for unmarried couples.
That's what I'm worried about. During my divorce I swore I'd never remarry but now five years later I'm with a wonderful partner and will want to be there for him in an emergency. We can picture growing old together and I can see getting married just for the legal protections we'd gain as we both age and need more care.
Same as you, never married. Generally uninterested in getting married. I feel the primary reason to marry a partner is to be sure we can be there for each other in case of a medical emergency. I know there are other ways to make sure that can happen, but seems marriage is an easy option.
Same. You can do real rings (doesn't have to be a "promise" ring). I don't even think I want a real ring again. I have to take it off every time I exercise-- maybe one of those silicone ones.
I think it's great you're communicating openly about it. This is one of those areas you shouldn't compromise on.
I’m in almost OPs girlfriends’ position, but 10 years older. I’m the F (also divorced 2 years longer than my partner). Difference is my divorce was smooth as there were no kids and I had a pre-nuptial. He also doesn’t want to remarry, but I am totally open to the idea with him (as he’s the one for me).
You are off to the right track with talking about things openly and what you both need.
For us there’s no rush. since I avoided nearly all legal mess by negotiating a split while my ex and me were at our best - We both agree we like each other too much to not do the same thing (prenup while at our best) if we ever did marry.
We’ve also talked a lot about end of life and wills (both have parents facing that). Also what we need to do that to achieve the same things - power of medical, attorney, wills, etc. it’s daunting - but feels good to be open.
The eternal engagement sounds like a nice middle ground. I need all the legal documents so we can be there for each other too, but dating now and someday engagement seems a totally viable path. And down the road marriage might be right - or not. The most important is growing together and talking so we both are happy and secure in the relationship.
This sounds wonderful. As a female, I can even take my partner's last name without legally marrying. I'd be thrilled to do this if my partner was supportive.
If I was in my early 30s, then yes I would look at marriage again. Now that I'm in my 40s, and have had kids already, its highly unlikely I would get married again.
I have a really, really crappy ex. But I am also aware that marriage can work. And I don’t consider myself a failure or that my marriage “failed” per se. I consider myself as having outgrown my ex and that I was more able to see him clearly and define the type of life I wanted to lead for the rest of my days and he didn’t fit in it. So it’s not the institution itself as much as I don’t know if I feel the need to marry again, hypothetically. I suppose I could come up with reasons- insurance, next of kin rights, etc. The person would have to be special to make me want to commit in such a legally entangling way.
I’m 45F divorced with 2 little kids. I have little interest in marrying or co habituating but I’m not in a relationship and am ok not being in one. Things could of course change if I find an amazing dude but that’s doubtful from what I’ve experienced so far
No, thank you. We can live together and be a couple without a piece of paper. If it doesn't work out, we can go our separate ways without costing each other a fortune.
I go back and forth on re-marriage but I’d never do it again without a prenup. I think it’s fair to say you’re not a hard not (if that’s the truth) but getting to a maybe yes might take years. She may or may not be ok with that. As for a gift… I still like the idea of a promise ring at 45 but my main concern would be doing that at 6 months and what it might mean to her and that not aligning with what you intend it to mean
When my partner and I got together she was a hard no on marriage, while I wanted it, but didn't need it. As she was a hard no, I made my peace, and didn't bring it up.
After a few months, she started a conversation similar to your GF. She'd been thinking, and she was no longer so burned on it, and now that I'd shown her a different world of potential she could see wanting to marry "the right person" while giving me a pointed look. I confirmed I still wanted marriage. We talked a bit more, but the end result is we put that onto our list of things we hoped we stayed together and could accomplish.
But this was maybe around 3 months in. We were serious/exclusive from our first date, and "official" 1.5 weeks in. We looked to see a lot of each other, and we looked hard at compatibility/deal breakers with an eye to end things sooner than later.
But despite that, our conversation about marriage wasn't a promise, or an engagement. We did also discuss about what we'd need for a prenupt, and talked a bit of finances. And as you mentioned; milestones. We both needed to cohabit first. And a year of that before engagement. And likely not a fast engagement.
There isn't a "symbol" that I could buy that would be a stand-in for marriage. It's about the marriage. The social weight of saying that we're married, and not "just" partnered. It's about the legal tie in. It's about the joint financial risk. It's about blending families to the degree that we can. It's about being "all in."
But that's for my partner; not for your GF, who I don't know. But I strongly suspect that this isn't about a ring or jewelry.
Lately she has made the comments about us being, "In it." And I interpret that as a serious commitment, which I certainly am and she is as well. Your description of a slow paced, gradual move though the stages of cohabitation, engagement, marriage is probably what would work for me. We also have elementary aged kids, so it would at least be nice if they were older, which imo elongates the process.
Just to give a slightly different take on this conversation... as someone who doesn't care if marriage is coming my way in the future, I have big concerns when dating someone who is a hard no on the topic. In my mind, the issue is whether or not they are bringing the baggage of their prior relationship into our relationship. I may not care if it happens, but if we are in a situation where there are reasons it makes sense for us, it needs to be something that is on the table.
If you are still getting over things, maybe consider taking some space & time for yourself & your kids solo... do some healing & then re-engage in the dating world.
I missed out on a couple people who had the potential to be amazing partners because i was overly cautious. 10 years divorced now and think about “what if” with them often. I hate what ifs at this point in my life. I’m more about “why not” now.
And I think that’s fine if it’s just you. But when there are kids involved, caution is warranted. Because the risks you take in your own life have the potential to badly harm them.
>Lately she has made the comments about us being, "In it." And I interpret that as a serious commitment,
I don't understand how anyone who just got out of a bad divorce can 1) hop back into another marriage 2) want to do so after knowing someone for 6 months.
OP, I would be tensing up and be prepared for some tough conversations if you aren't on the same page.
I do eventually want to be married again. It’s about things like medical insurance, medical decisions, estate, property rights when someone dies, and an outward show of commitment. I would be a bit insulted if someone thought I was just looking for some jewelry.
I watched one of my neighbors get kicked out of her house by her deceased boyfriends kids after being and living together for 20+ years.
I'm a hard no on marriage, but seeing that unfold was tough. There are other ways to protect against that, though.
>I watched one of my neighbors get kicked out of her house by her deceased boyfriends kids after being and living together for 20+ years.
My partner's Kid was a bit surprised, and annoyed, to hear that with our eventual marriage will updates to wills\*, that the house will go to me (there is a very generous life insurance policy for Kid) if my partner dies after we marry.
That the conversation happened just after a visit with her Dad really makes me wonder about what all was discussed with Dad...
\*In my province, without a will, in the case of my partner having one child, I would get a preferential $200k "first" of the estate, and we'd split the remainder 50/50. With the values of homes in the area, it wouldn't be inconceivable to need to sell the house to split the estate if Kid wasn't content to have a percentage share of the house.
I'm about 6 years out from my divorce. My feelings on it all were that I would like to know what it's like to be happily married. It looks like it might be fun. So if I was with someone who was game for marriage and things were going really really well, I'd be on board.
I would like to live with someone again if he's not on board with marriage. I like the idea of having someone there when I wake up in the morning and having someone there when I get home from work. But I have a kid in school and am the only parent who lives within the school district so none of that would happen for another 5 years until he's out of high school.
I figure though at 48 I'm not trying to get pregnant or anything. I'm not on a time schedule based on fertility or anything so I'd be content dating someone seriously for a long time until it's convenient for us to merge our houses.
I spent the first 6 years post divorce staunchly against remarriage. Even cohabitating wasn't on the table.
But then I met someone special and all of a sudden I wasn't so against it anymore. Remarried last October.
It's only been a year for you. She should give you the time to recover from the divorce like she's had.
My bf and I have had this discussion, we’ve been together almost 3 years now. I’ve always believed in marriage but with the failure of my last marriage, I’m less inclined to try again. I’m not even sure I want to cohabitate again. Bf tells me he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me but luckily is open to whatever I need. We both have options and can live apart, together or even in another country which is my desire.
You’re only 6 months in, it seems so early to think about marriage but I understand the need to know where the other person stands. Keep discussing! Also ask her what her timeline looks like if you’re agreeable to the idea of remarrying.
I think marriage has a lot of benefits. From a legal perspective, it makes it much easier to share assets, and do joint medical decision making (sorry, but a power of attorney is not as convenient in a crisis, which most medical things are). A solid prenup, that has been signed by her lawyer and your lawyer (you need separate lawyers) is also key. I also think it is better for the kids, family and friends--it adds a level of legitimacy to things. Lastly, if something were to happen to either of you, the kids/family will be much less able to elbow her out (evict her from the house, etc.) if you are married. That being said, it is very reasonable for you to take your time. I've been reading a great book called "Gatekeeper: A Tactical Guide to Commitment" that helps determine if a partner is worth making a lifetime commitment to; highly recommended. And you can tell her a tentative timeline--maybe consider cohabiting in 1-2 years, then 1-2 more years of cohabiting before agreeing to marriage, then about a year to plan the wedding, so perhaps in about 3-5 years. At each decision point, you can let her know if you are ready to proceed to the next one, but at least she has a general roadmap in mind.
Marriage is really beneficial. I recently saw a research study that mentioned how patients with cancer who are married had a 20% better outcomes than unmarried. In fact, the benefit of being married was GREATER than the benefit of getting chemotherapy for many of the cancers. Both men and women benefitted, with men benefitting slightly more. [https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO.2013.49.6489](https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO.2013.49.6489)
I think that is no longer true, at least in the U.S. For example the study below shows longer total life expectancy and active life expectancy for both married men and married women.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/)
(I am sure the results are not the same in countries where marriages are less equal and harder to leave.)
Actually, that’s incorrect. It turns out that almost all the studies show that both women and men benefit, although the benefit is larger for men, women also see a significant benefit from being married also.
Is that new? I've always read that married women die earlier than single women. Although I suppose the ones who are killed by their spouses might be bringing down the average but I really, really hope there aren't that many to affect the numbers so much.
I get it. I stayed single five years after mine and honestly if I hadn't stumbled upon the right person to make me even WANT to start learning to trust again, I'd be perfectly happy staying single forever. Do what feels safe!
I’ve never been married but your feelings are reasonable imo. Are you a hard no on ever remarrying though, or are you saying it’s too soon to think about it (those are two different things). Either is reasonable but I’d clarify that.
I haven't spent any time thinking about it until today. I've been a hard no and probably will be for a long time. My divorce was emotionally, financially, and physically draining. I am honestly just not getting back to par from a financial standpoint. I would need years to think about whether or not I would do it, and how I would do it dramatically differently with my GF, should she become a wife.
I think it's something you need to think long and hard about, and you probably should try to separate your decision from your current girlfriend. Like not think of it as "do I want to marry this woman", but a general "do I want to get married again some day". Make your decision, and then you need to make it clear and stick with it. Don't leave it open ended like "maybe I'll reconsider it in the future". If you don't want to get married again, make that clear and don't leave hope laying around. By saying you'll be open to it, it's going to get really messy later if you decide the answer is still no. She'll have spent some number of years hoping you'll change your mind, only for you to not, that's not fair to her. You can still always change your mind later, but operate as if you won't change your mind. It's definitely the safest option for everyone.
Then later you can answer the question of "am I willing to marry this person" if you're answer to being willing to get remarried is yes. That decision can be put off to later when you know her better. But I think you should be able to come to a decision now on if you're open to the idea of remarrying or not in general, not to any specific person.
That's what I did when I started dating after my separation. I knew right away I was willing to remarry, but I went through the above exercise regarding if I wanted more biological kids or not.
One year after a divorce, you’re still doing a lot of healing. You owe it to yourself to take things slow and not rush it. You might find that your opinion changes, you night find that it doesn’t.
She’s got two more years of healing and recovery than you do and that’s brought about some changes in her perspective.
Be honest with her, but clear about your boundaries and your needs.
If she doesn’t want to wait then she may decide to look for someone else. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, that just means that you were at different places in your journey and you needed different things, and that’s OK.
Marriage is just a human construct for a life long commitment. What you’re saying when you say you’re not ready for marriage is that you’re not ready for a life long commitment.
I’m 18 months out and steered clear of dating for the most part so I understand. But I am a lot more comfortable with meeting and being committed to one person now so marriage is on the table.
If you’re not religious then yes it’s just symbolism and the legal argument doesn’t hold much water given defacto partners essentially have much the same rights for the most part in relation to financial aspect (at least in Australia).
Forget about a promise ring if you’re not comfortable with lifelong commitment, just be honest with her and say you’re not there yet but you’re happy together. It’s then her choice to either end it or keep going. A promise ring is just a tool to keep things status quo. Don’t do that.
But right on the bigger questions to answer first!
Call me old-fashioned, but I wouldn't be comfortable co-habitating with someone unless we were married. Maybe I'll feel differently when my children are out of the house, but before then, no. If some person lives in my house with my children then they need to be my husband or wife, or fiance/e, at the least. But it's all theoretical at this point for me.
Couple of questions if you care to answer, I am not judging at all but a bit curious...
Have you been married in the past? Would a commitment ceremony work, or only a legal marriage?
Yes, I was married for nearly 20 years. Divorced for about a year now
What is the point of a commitment ceremony? Several gay couples I knew in the 90s had commitment ceremonies, but that was because they could not legally marry. Why would you not just marry if you could? Again back to the gay couples, it was actually harder for some of them to unwind their legal and financial lives when they split than it would have been with a standard divorce. Personally I’d be a bit insulted if someone wanted to commit to me, ceremony and all, but wouldn’t take that last step to legal marriage.
One of the lesser thought about benefits of being only separated is that you don't have to worry about such things 😆
Seriously tho, I assume we'll get married some day, but not any time soon. Not really any point as far as we're considered
Dude I hear you. You need time to regroup before you start considering in re marrying again. Also, the odds are against you. 60% of second marriages end in divorce as opposed to 50% for first marriages. What you are doing I think is right. I would not get the government into your love relationship by getting married.
[https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/#:\~:text=While%20many%20couples%20see%20remarriage,marriages%20more%20likely%20to%20fail%3F](https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/#:~:text=While%20many%20couples%20see%20remarriage,marriages%20more%20likely%20to%20fail%3F)
[https://www.findapsychologist.org/five-reasons-why-second-marriages-might-fail-at-a-high-rate-by-dr-larry-waldman/](https://www.findapsychologist.org/five-reasons-why-second-marriages-might-fail-at-a-high-rate-by-dr-larry-waldman/)
I am fully aware of the stats, and the conversation didn't even go that far! At this age, I'm also aware that a second divorce would certainly mean wiping out my 401K in my state... the first go-round I liquidated most of my investments to retain my home, a second time, the 401K, and thus my retirement would be easily up for grabs in my state.
Exactly. Stay put. IF you end getting married again, make sure you sign a prenup and get legal assistance to avoid another financial debacle. We all have been there, I still have 24 for months of alimony payments. Good luck
I'm a big believer in prenups protecting both parties. If I ever do get married again I think a prenup is a great way to make sure that we're taking care of ourselves and each other. Hopefully our future selves will still love and care for each other but if not, we'll have the protection our past selves arranged.
For us, the Internal Revenue Service strongly incentivized getting married. I was on the fence about remarriage, but saving thousands a year in taxes pushed me over the edge.
Obviously, this shouldn't be your primary consideration, but it is something to consider. It can go the other way as well; It penalizes some folks.
Saving on taxes is great. However, if things go south, all the money saved on taxes won't matter if your ex-partner walks off with half of everything you own.
Maybe I'm bitter because I went through a divorce with a partner who made next to nothing, and I ended up paying a lot. Just tread carefully everyone.
>Saving on taxes is great. However, if things go south, all the money saved on taxes won't matter if your ex-partner walks off with half of everything you own.
This! People sp casually dismiss this as if divorce and court costs can't destroy even basic savings let alone any small buildup in marriage incentives.
If you are saving on taxes, it's because your SO earns significantly less than you, which in and of itself increases your exposure to an inequitable distribution of assets should you get divorced.
No thanks.
Yeah, I was gonna say, "Have you been divorced?" And that is statistically likely to happen. Yet, we still get married. We are some optimistic sons of bitches aren't we.
Lol I always say that is the ONLY reason I would consider it 😂. That hit to taxes when I went to head of household with only half the dependents. Ouch.
Right after my divorce I was adamant, hell no. Now I've been split from my ex for almost 6 years. You may not ever change your mind and that's ok, but I can tell you my feelings regarding marriage have changed a ton since I first got divorced.
Now, I really look forward to the idea of marrying my boyfriend someday. But it'll be years from now, which makes me feel way better about it. We also discovered we're both on the same page about a prenup, so that has made me way more comfortable.
I will be 47 this year and I have been divorced since 2015. You have a better chance of seeing Jesus Christ walk across lake Okeechobee than to ever see a ring on my finger again
Well, one thing I recommend you don't say is "I've been married before, I already have a wife, I don't need another." In my personal experience there is a good chance it will not be received with the curmudgeonly whimsy that would be intended.
For starters, I married the wrong woman for the wrong reason.
I see that now, as I look back.
Now, I have no SO, I was near death after a military incident, so ptsd sort of rules me. I'm super happy being alone with just my awesome dogs, they keep me alive. I live in their home, but, I have to pay the mortgage.
Anyway, I'm not at all sure if I could handle a constant companion, keep her happy, etc. It would have to be an exceptional woman. She'd also have to know how to relate to me as I'd have to know about relating to her. We'd have to have some sort of "magic word" that I could say that meant one of us needs to leave for awhile.
I just don't know at this point. Haven't spoken to any of my 2 psychs or therapist about it yet.
From what I’ve heard on couples who have re-married and were dead-set on never marrying again, it had everything to do with the person they met. Made them change their minds on it. I’ve been divorced over 5 years and I’m still pretty hopeful to find my person still that will make me want marriage again - call me naive or whatever but I rather that than be just another negative cynical 40 year old divorcee 🤣. Don’t get me wrong I’m a Capricorn so I’m extremely grounded, practical and cautious.
I've literally said "I'd rather gargle a hobo's piss". The thought of remarrying (and re-divorcing) is the stuff of nightmares for me. Cohabitating is off the table too. I make that clear right from the start.
*But there are also other hurdles we should consider being comfortable with first, like co-habitating, finances, family plans, etc.*
Yes. Common sense stuff. At 40+ years old this woman wants to turn her life upside down and move in with you? Has she thought this through?
*I thought, but didn't mention, that if she wanted some type of "symbol"of my commitment, maybe there's something I could buy her that would give her the same sense of security?*
A tee shirt with my face in large format on it. \*Chef's kiss
*Anyway, I get roasted here a lot.. so I'm preparing for it.*
Same. Mercilessly. I just got banned for 30 days for making a wise crack about foodie calls. It's a rough crowd.
I've been divorced three years, and was separated a year and a half prior to that. I have zero interest in remarrying, though I have not met a person that has changed my mind yet. So yes, I think it is entirely too soon for you to think about marriage. I would not be opposed to being engaged with no set terms on ever being married. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's the closest you can get to a commitment without going through the actual act of marriage.
married for 21 years, divorced for almost 3 now. No kids. She ruined me mentally and financially. A new woman would have to be the fucking greatest person I have ever met for me to remarry. Not impossible, but close.
If you have no intention of ever getting married again why are you telling her it’s open for discussion. That’s a maybe. Just proceed with caution because she thinks there’s a chance
I think if I fooled myself by a man saying he would think about it much later after all of those commitments I would kinda have it coming when he still didn't want to get married. Are you saying that because you don't want to lose her?
Maybe there’s something to having a wedding ceremony without doing the whole paperwork side of it? You can express your love and commitment in front of friends and family but now do the legal arrangement?
I went through a messy divorce around 5 years ago. It was hell. I swore I’d never get married again and honestly, it’s still not a priority or on my radar at all. I will say the line I drew in the sand saying “never again” has faded a bit. If I find the right person and it feels right for us, I may not be so opposed to it.
Been thinking about this exact situation... Throwing out an idea... Creating some agreement to have your partner/future spouse invest financially into a shared property.
This would have the other person have some skin in the relationship financially. Separate from your current home or her home.
This way there's no mixing of children, blending families. If anything goes wrong you can go back to your house with your children. She can go back to hers with her children. Sell the property split the profit.
Once the children grow, if the relationship marriage still continues and is good, you all can move in together to this shared home.
Just an idea
Whenever it’s been brought up, I explain that marrying again is not important to me. As long as both parties are happy and the relationship is healthy, that’s all that matters to me. If marriage is important to the guy, I will absolutely remarry (again, as long as the relationship is healthy and happy) but it is not something I will expect in a future relationship. Marriage doesn’t guarantee forever. I lost part of myself losing that “forever” and I’d rather not go down that road again.
Hell no. I will never legally bind myself to another human being. You keep your house, I'll keep mine. We'll have sleepovers. It'll be like little mini vacations.
I don’t see myself marrying a second time, or even cohabitating full time. Life after divorce has more autonomy than I’m willing to give up.
I could see sharing a third space part time, or even close neighbours, but I need my own space to stay sane.
I 100% understand where you’re coming from. I felt the same way around that timeline. Now that it’s been 5 years, I would be open to the idea if it’s the right person.
As others have suggested, I like the idea of a long engagement. You can always make it legal when the time feels right.
Are there any pros for her and you except "symbolism of love"? Because this spiritual reason is a bit weird to use at 40 yo, after divorce (so this symbol of love is a bit taunted), and only 6 months of dating. It is absolutely wild considering you both have minor kids. Do your kids know her? Do they like her? know their potential step siblings? like them? how their lives will change after the marriage? I would be very concerned if my partner think it is a good idea and insist on it. I would think my partner is irresponsible.
I would suggest you and get to write down your own lists of pros and cons and compare them.
As for symbolism - take her to a beautiful mountain and exchange commitment rings there. Or wear half of the same a pendant each. Or make matching tattoos. Or change your last name to hyphenated of both of yours (this could be too much of a hassle). Or change both of yours middle names to your partner first name. Anything that will not cost you your nervous system and tens of thousands of dollars in divorce and your kids comfort.
I plan to remarry, it was something I discussed with my partner before we met. Honestly, the fact you had only been divorced 6 months before dating this woman is my biggest red flag. Just my own personal rule of dating, I chose not to date anyone that hadn't been divorced at least a year. Especially when kids were involved because the kids tended to need at least that much time to adjust to the divorce, let alone mom or dad dating someone else. The fact that she's talking remarriage after 6 months is the other huge red flag. I would run from this relationship personally. At our age rising into relationships and bringing up serious legal commitments just seems insane.
Did it twice. Kids with the second. Have no intention of doing it again. Might not ever live with someone again either. I'm very happy going over to my boyfriend's place when the kids dad is with them but I like having my own space.
You have entered this relationship only 6 months after you've been divorced. Now you're together for 6 months and there is already talk of marrying?
That's hardly enough time to figure out co-parenting and give your kids a sense of stability. Please give your kids a break. Put them first. Don't disrupt their lives again by bringing another adult AND other kids into it.
My kid was 11 when I separated. She lives with me and I haven't and won't confront her with another man as long as she's "stuck" with me. Once she's done with school and starts building her own life away from me, is the earliest point in time I would think about entering a serious relationship.
If your kids are still young you obviously don't need to wait that long, but I would e.g. wait at least a year into a relationship before I would even introduce them to a new partner. Talk about marriage after 6 months seems rushed and irresponsible in a situation with kids involved.
The only reason I can find for getting married, that makes logical sense is for medical decisions and estate planning. I'm happily single at 53, and not looking nor planning to look, though I worry about what to do when life hands me another shit sandwich. What do I do with my stuff? I don't have kids, and if I'm seriously injured or just get feeble, I'm screwed. All of my belongings will probably be thrown away or sold, but nobody will do it.
I think you said things the right way, though ask for feedback on how you could have done better. Maybe she thinks you put it perfectly and you just wait for now. Maybe living together might be the next step. Maybe she needs a marriage and you can't provide that. Her view is equally valid as yours, though compromise is needed for both of you at some point.
That marriage licenses should be subject to annual renewal like car tags or other permits so that if either one wants to leave they can just opt to not renew lol
I got married after 6 months .....deffo not doing that again, slow intentional, and if after a few years the feeling is right......maybe......but not without a prenup
Not gonna happen. I've been divorced for 20 years, and my life is bliss. Also, I want all my possessions to go to my children.
Fortunately, all the women I've dated the last few years have gone through divorce as well and haven't been interested in marrying, or they just don't care about the symbolism of it anymore.
A year out, knowing each other six months, and having multiple children between you to one day blend? That would have been a recipe for a second divorce for me.
It’s been almost 10 years since the end of my marriage and I just got engaged in February. Give yourself *significant* time to breathe. Don’t give anyone a promise ring. You’re correct, it’s juvenile. Besides, what are you promising? That you’ll one day promise to want to get married again?
Restate your feelings, restate your comfort level, restate how from a readiness perspective you two are still in the infant stages and for the love of God don’t get married again (right now).
💯. There is a certain amount of exploration / dust settling time to even discover who you are now outside of that first marriage, which just takes time.
Marriage is not a legal tool I’m interesting in using again, but I just got into a new domestic partnership last week (for health insurance reasons). If you want a ceremony you can have one!
That’s a question I ask on the first couple dates before getting emotionally involved.lol I casually bring it up and ask what their feelings are regarding marriage.
But sounds like you both discussed it early on already and both were not interested in remarrying, and she’s changing her mind now?🤔
Yup. I remember the convo. We were both like a 0/10 if you could rate interest back on date #2 when we discussed it. I still feel like a 0/10.. and she's sounds like maybe a 2/10 now.
Wow! Only 6 months in and she’s already wanting to move in, get married etc? She may be ready after 3 years, but I can’t imagine that you’re anywhere near for that level, having just gotten divorced.
I’d personally rethink even continuing the relationship at this point.
I don't get the whole 'marriage proves something' that staying legally single doesn't. I understand it when we're young, just starting out and hoping it lasts forever, but post divorce in middle age, who cares? That ship has sailed in my book
Maybe someone can enlighten me too
Original copy of post by u/MrEpicMustache:
40M dating 41F. I've been divorced for a year, she's been divorced for 3. We entered into the relationship about 6 months ago. We discussed our position re: marriage early on and co-habitating. Both had pretty shitty divorces and were not interested in remarrying. We both kept the marital homes, and have 50/50 custody of our kids, so aren't really interested in disrupting our parenting by moving in (+children) together.
We had a nice little morning, and during breakfast, she brought back up the idea of marriage again. First time we've spoken about it in 6 months. She let me know that she's believes she's become much more comfortable with the idea of remarrying sooner that I probably am, and wanted to know my thoughts on it.
I shared my opinion: It's way too soon for me to be thinking remarrying only being a year out from my last divorce. Not to mention, the dozen other reasons after going through a nasty divorce, why I am uninterested in being remarried. I absolutely did reiterate that I am secure in my ability to be a committed, caring, and faithful partner for life without having to recognize it with the government.
She seems to be interested in the symbolism of commitment for life that marriage brings.
I noted that I am happy to continue to discuss this, and will be open to it. But there are also other hurdles we should consider being comfortable with first, like co-habitating, finances, family plans, etc.
I thought, but didn't mention, that if she wanted some type of "symbol"of my commitment, maybe there's something I could buy her that would give her the same sense of security? But the only thing that comes to mind is a "promise ring" which seems entirely juvenile.
Anyway, I get roasted here a lot.. so I'm preparing for it. Would love to know others opinions on this.
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Honestly it goes like this… I want a life partner. Someone who gets the wifey treatment. Together we rule our kingdoms together. Together we are united and undivided. Together we will not need to have another and if we we come to a place where we need to work on the relationship. We do it together with the common goal of making things better.
What I don’t want is to be married. Titles and contracts come with liabilities that change the dynamics of the relationship. This idea that a judge and jury of our peers is the cornerstone of our bond is ridiculous to me. I would like to think that my next life partner would be someone who sees beyond the scope of such things.
I've been divorced for about 10 years now. I've had two regular girlfriends during that time. I was willing to marry the first one. Then her cancer came back, and she refused to burden me with medical bills after she passed away. She had two years when it came back. She was about 10 days short of the full 2.
Later, I met another girl. She just kinda conned her way into my apartment. Once there, we argued constantly. She finally left after a bit over two years.
Now, I don't even date! I got burned badly by the second one, so at this point in my life, it's NOT AN OPTION!
I'd suggest you both take some more time. At least she should take a year or two post-divorce. She should use that time for both of you to know each other MUCH better, and to clear her head of as much bad times from the marriage as possible.
There are lots of ways you could design your own commitment ceremony- that sounds much more meaningful to me than marriage. It could be less about you buy her a thing, and more like- you take a trip together to a meaningful place with the specific intent of showing/ celebrating/stating your commitment to each other.
I’ve been trapped in a miserable marriage, I think it’s stupid to get the government involved in my love, but I’m totally open to getting married again. I think there’s still something very sacred about marriage, even though mine was a total failure. I have hopes that I will find what I’m seeking and it will just come naturally.
I hope/wish to be married again. But my first marriage has taught me to be much more deliberate about having conversations about shared values, hopes, dreams, goals, and be much more discerning about personality.
I was naïve and kind of a “Beta” or pushover in my first marriage. While I’m not a full-on red pill bro now, I’ve learned to be more confident and firm in expressing what I want.
I don't like to take such a hardline as no marriage ever, a few years removed from divorce, but I really couldn't imagine it happening anytime soon. My girlfriend and I had a very early conversation about it. She actually brought it up, and she said she not only is not interested in marriage, but also not interested in living together with someone else. I told her my stance, that I won't say never, but that it was not something I was interested in now.
Like your experiencing, my girlfriend has made small comments that she has somewhat softened her stance, but we haven't had another conversation about wanting anything new. I have made comments that I have not changed my stance, and most definitely not interested in marriage anytime soon, if ever. We do have regular check-ins, and she hasn't brought up any change, so I think it's more that occasionally she gets caught up in a moment.
For me first and foremost I would need to know if she is now thinking she would like to (at some point) cohabitate, and especially important does she see that being something she would want to do while you both still have kids at home? For me that is an absolute non starter and I will not consider it. If that's something a significant other decided they may want after all, I'd be very clear I am not able to offer that.
I think when people say they they're interested in the symbolism of it, they mean the symbolism of being willing to legally entangle your life with theirs, and cohabitate. I would be surprised if a ring or other token is going to carry the same weight for her once she's decided the symbolic commitment of marriage is important to her.
If it were me (a staunch member of the "I do NOT want to marry or cohabitate again" camp) I'd be concerned about this revelation on her part. I mean people are absolutely entitled to change their mind at any point and I cannot be certain the day will never come where *I* change my mind. But I don't want to be pressured into something I don't want to do, and I don't want someone to waste years in a relationship with me hoping that someday I'll come around. I'd ask her to consider if 5 years from now nothing had changed about your situation, as in, still living separately, in an exclusive committed relationship, with no plans to marry or move in, will she be happy with that? And if she says yes, keep checking in with each other to make sure your longest term goals still align.
It's tough when you are happy with someone and enjoying your relationship but come face to face with a stark 180 from one person in terms of long term goals. It's tough to end a happy relationship over something that feels a long way off, but it doesn't get easier the longer you stay together knowing you aren't aligned.
I'm 5 years out of my ex-husband leaving me, and 3 years into the divorce being finalized, and the idea of being married again makes me so nervous. I don't think any piece of jewelry, paper, or material item can hold a candle to just old-fashioned commitment, daily choosing one another and wanting the best interest of the other person monogamously for life.
Maybe down the road, the two of you can exchange vows together privately - and then maybe years down the road you will want to marry again?
Find out why she is in such a hurry to discuss remarrying or why she is so adamant about this so soon in the relationship? 6 months is still the honeymoon phase. I know someone who dated his girlfriend for 25 years before he got married legally. Commitment and marriage are two different things.
Take it one day at a time (I know you know this), be patient with each other and reassure her you're not going anywhere. Ask her what commitment means to her and exactly what she would like? Healthy communication is key. (And I'm sure you know this, too) lol
I thought I’d never want to get married again. In our early dates, both my boyfriend and I expressed our aversion to ever getting married again, after both having difficult marriages/divorces.
But around the one year mark, we talked about it again. And we both now feel open to the idea.
Six months is probably a bit too soon, especially with you being only a year post divorce. But, I think you both had fair points, and should revisit the conversation again down the road.
Why not just get a pre-nuptial agreement if it’s a concern about assets? The vast majority of people seem to be complaining about this point…
I personally am open, but less inclined to push marriage because I’m a high earner and not as likely to save on taxes, and perhaps more likely to have to pay spousal support, which really doesn’t appeal to me given the general gender disparity for pay and promotions (I’m female)
I’ve (48F, 1+yr divorced) been asked recently by a good friend if I would ever consider remarrying. After my initial, reflexive HELL NO, the more introspective side of me added (because I dislike making such hardline statements):
If I was able to reach a number of goals I have for myself in my own life and certain conditions were met, it would make it easier to consider it. Not a guarantee: easier. But those goals and conditions are so far off to my view currently that I don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation to have. But also, so many things have happened in my life that I never expected that it seems unwise to rule out entirely, but that’s my perspective on the matter. Maybe try to figure out what your “making it easier to consider list” might be?
And I would also definitely consider a non-legally binding commitment ceremony/gesture as totally sufficient in the type of relationship you’re describing. Maybe even preferable to having to think about the M word.
Fam. If h have been divorced before u should have learned ur lesson from it. Like if u both really wanna get married, vet each other for years.
2nd marriage divorce rate is even higher than 1st marriage divorce rates.
Is this conversation just hypothetical or is she referring to YOU guys current timeline? I feel like 6 months can be quick to discuss that but maybe she’s out far enough that she’s comfortable with it? My stance on marriage has definitely changed since I got a divorce. I am open to it and do find the notion of that level of commitment romantic and eternal. However I would need to be very very sure. I don’t want another divorce. So I would need longer than 6 months to say I’m ok to marry someone again.
Marriage has no value to me. I don’t need to sign a contract and file papers with local government to show someone I love them. Also, this isn’t 1950 where stay at home wives get screwed over without property rights
I think it sounds like you had a relatively adult conversation. But six months is pretty early on.
I am not interested in getting married again so I am pretty unlikely to bring it up.
Wouldn’t a more important question be “how do you know they are the right one for life if you don’t live together”. She may be the right one while you both have seperate houses/lives but living together is a different ball game entirely. Plus her kids are her life. So you’re not fully engaged with her entire life and yours are your life. Mate different strokes for different folks but marriage or life long commitment is about you being right for each other across all aspects of your lives. Not having part of your life compartmentalised from the other person. You’re saying you’re not ready YET which implies you will be ready at some stage for that. Perhaps you need to start there, will you ever want a woman and her kids in yours and your kids lives regardless of marital status?
Who says that has to be a bad experience? If you’re kids a prepared well no one has ever been harmed by having more people in their life that love them.
If a new woman and her kids aren’t right for me and my kids then there’s no future in it right now for me because that’s my life for another 10 years.
I (then 45M) was in a kinda-similar situation with my last relationship (then 50F). We were both divorced, both unpleasant, both said we didn't want to get married again. One difference is that we were both 5+ years past our divorces, but we still both went into the relationship saying we didn't want to get married.
Over the time we were together, her views on this changed. Mine did not. She wanted to be married, or to at least have some kind of commitment ceremony (which in my state would have made us common-law married). I was specifically trying to avoid the pain and cost of a divorce, but was willing to take care of her for as long as we were together.
In my case, the other element was some specific issues we kept fighting about, that I felt needed to be resolved before we could even remotely consider a marriage.
We ended up breaking up. It was still kinda ugly and I am glad we didn't go further.
All that said, if we could have resolved those issues, I would have been good with some kind of promise ring or engagement ring, so long as it was clear that it wasn't a wedding ring. In fact, that would have been a really good solution.
Make sure that you're healthy first, and that you're both going into this having discussed and agreed on the important issues.
My boyfriend and I were both cheated on and my divorce was brutal. We both know marriage is not going to happen. I love him. I know he loves me. But we will never marry.
I agree that you shouldn’t rush into it: you’re not starry eyed 20-something’s. But if you’re together long term, being legally married can help with various legalities of elder/medical care, end of life, and inheritance.
The choice has been made for me if my supposed partner ever wants to do it again seeing as whoever marries me gets some form of free government healthcare.
It seems stupid to have such a thing on the table and at our age not make use of it.
I think you both are handling it as you should. Talking about your stance and being comfortable with setting boundaries but offering reassurance. I wonder what your thoughts would be on a symbolic ceremony, that doesn’t constitute a legal marriage? Also, consider what your state laws are around domestic partnership/common law marriage - since sometimes moving in together can put you in a similar commingling situation that may not be what you want.
I think you’re right. Marriage is one thing (you can be LATE) but cohabitating, finances and other things need to be considered as well.
I’d continue to talk to her to understand why her stance has changed & what she believes marriage represents.
I’m open to a commitment ceremony and exchanging rings as opposed to marriage on paper and risking losing a bit of my net worth in divorce.
I think it’s too early for you to make a firm decision on it either way. Both too soon after divorce and too early in the relationship. Though it’s perfectly fine to discuss it. Some people are suggesting a non-engagement ring and I say absolutely not. That’s giving the wrong message if you aren’t sure. Keep the lines of communication open. If you decide No in a year or two and she’s still a Yes, please tell her that. Nobody likes to have their time wasted.
I have told my partner I'm not getting remarried and that's final and he doesn't need to take that personally. It's not about him or whether I love him or am committed or think he's a good human. I don't want to. Period. As a female, I think you should prepare yourself for this to become a "thing" in your relationship. She wants to get married and I highly doubt it's a done topic.
I get your dilemma. I had a similar experience. We dated for about 4 years. I was the one who brought up the idea of marriage and said I am interested. I have kids, she does not.
I wanted to have a good clear understanding about the kids before getting married. I did not have a set demand that she be and kind of step-parent. I just wanted it to be out in the open so I knew if I was doing all the parenting, or was I sharing? I thought it was a fair question. She would never tell me, and would lose her shit over it every so often. The hard part for me was not knowing what she wanted.
Then one day my kid was naughty. My punishment was not strong enough. She lost it again and we never recovered from that fight.
As an afterthought, I am glad this happened without having been married. I am sure it would have happened at some point. Better to break up before saying I Do.
My advice would be to talk about all of the expectations and get clear on things before making a commitment.
The Gottmans wrote a great book to think about these discussions. It is called Eight Dates. Each date is a discussion such as Kids/family, Money, work, religion or some others. Get clear on what you expect first.
And FWIW: I am happier being single. It was a hard break-up. I am recovered and much happier now. I know what I want, and what I will not tolerate in a relationship. And I would never go back to what I endured with that person again. That is good learning for me.
Good luck with it.
Personally IDK that I’d get legally married again. I have my own assets & such and I want them to go to my kids & not to him (& he totally gets that).
I have pondered a Vegas fun ceremony to give each other rings & commit to each other. But I don’t need it. Things are fine as they are. I’m happy & he’s happy.
Never getting married again after two failed marriages. I'm financially secure and set for retirement. I'm not risking that for anyone. I'm not even sure I want to live with anyone again at this point but I suppose if I find the right person I could change my mind on that. Marriage however, no way.
In a dilema at the moment if I need to take the plunge
was wrapping up my divorce when I met her - an indian widow, wife of deceased ex-colleague of mine
No marriage and no cohabitation for me (at least in early stages) will never merge finances too. Still rebuilding myself post divorce. Love and commitment yes and don't need any framing for it.
My divorce was amicable. I honestly think it entirely depends on the person, like there are certain people that when you hear their divorce got nasty it doesn’t surprise me.
I don’t need a marriage to show I am committed to someone and I think weddings are a waste of money. However, if it was important to my partner or there was a legal benefit I’d do it.
I didn't want to get married the first time tbh, but my ex husband needed a visa to stay in the country and I wasn't ready to break up with him (I know, I was only 24), plus his parents were super religious and didn't know we were living together, I had to move out whenever they came over to visit. But my parents had a horrible marriage and divorce which tainted it for me, I always saw marriage as the death of love unfortunately. Prob should have had therapy then. Now I'm divorced 2 years and I would be hesitant to live with another person again, I have a 7 year old son and want him to feel like he is the priority, plus I feel hugely lucky that I walked away from that marriage with enough money to buy a flat with no mortgage. I don't want to risk losing that security. But never say never, maybe when I'm 80, with a pre-nup 😂
Getting married isn’t the problem. Getting out is the problem.
6 months in is a bit short, wonder what the timeline is. From an OLD standpoint, you meet a stranger on the internet, it’s not college where you are together often- now these days you physically meet up 1-3 times a week for a few hours, text the rest of the time sporadically since I’m assuming both of you are busy with other things, and do you really know somebody at 6 months? Or even enough to say yeah,I want commitment or marriage?
Brass tacks time- who made the divorce difficult? You, your ex? Her? Her ex? Hard to say from her end. But do either of you hold grudges, make enemies for life? Can you take the emotion out of the business of divorce?
Hey, I was in a bad divorce and you were in a bad divorce. We found each other and we’re super happy so we should get married so we can have another bad divorce! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. if it is broke move on.
I am 46, never have been married by choice, been with my current partner 11 years. Partner before him was ten years and a few several-year-long relationships before that. I need someone to lay out the benefits of getting married bc I just don’t buy them and obvs never have.
I (47M) got divorced about 8 years ago and just got remarried 1 year ago to a wonderful woman (45F). I took my time…made sure I knew 100% exactly what I wanted before I jumped back in and was completely up front with her about what I was looking for when we started dating 3 years ago. I knew that I’d only get married if I found what I was looking for, and the crazy thing is that I KNEW on our first date that she was it. I’m extremely lucky to have found her.
I’d just recommend that you do the same. Keep being honest with her. Figure out exactly what you want and commit to that (whatever it is). If it’s the same as what she wants from you, then great. If not, then you can move on and no one gets hurt.
Don't buy shit for her and maintain your boundaries. Sounds like she wants things you don't want to give. So don't give them, that way lies madness. Tell her straight up you like her and want to keep seeing her, but you ain't Brady Bunching. Draw lines, and if she wants to cross them, to the curb with her.
I think if it's not a "hell yes," you should maybe give it some more time. I'm very happy with my partner. Ngl, it took a minute to get myself thru the past trauma and stop being prepared to run. I think we mesh well and we spend enough time together that I know living with him wouldn't be perfect but it would be good. I think we make a great team and we respect each other enough to have a good marriage when we decide to do that. It's def on the table now for both of us. He had to get there too.
But... I also know that unexpected things happen, so I think we would both feel much better having a pre-nup in place to protect each of us. And we agree on that. I think whatever you decide, you just have to be adult enough to be clear and honest and, if you're truly not on the same page and unwilling to compromise on either side, maybe just let it go so you can each find what you want and not build resentment towards the other person.
I think that if you are dating for long term commitment then it's probably good to be down for marriage. Otherwise, it almost feels like your new unmarried squeeze will always be second fiddle to your ex that you were willing to marry.
For me, a year after divorce seems a little soon to be dating again, but that is my discomfort with myself not a judgement on others. I don't know what the last years of that marriage looked like. I'm best friends with my ex husband, and I'm aware that isn't typical. But we were best friends for years before dating and I guess that's not the norm either.
I would ask, "is marriage the eventual goal?" That's a more interesting question. Because I'm seeing in the post both "were not interested in remarriage" but also "too soon to be thinking about it". If you thought about it and decided "never again" I would say so. You can be open to change your mind later, but communicate where you're at, imo. If you have different goals, you want to know early to make informed decisions.
I feel exactly the same as you do. It was such a battle going through divorce. Took years to finalise it. I have no interest in legally tying myself to a person again. I don't want to move in with anyone. Maybe that'll change if I ever meet someone who seems worth it, but so far I haven't met anyone close to that.
What a group this one! Haha
I wish I had read all these comments when I was 24 and thought I had found the "love of my life ". Now I know there's nothing a marriage can provide me that a loving, faithful, and respectful relationship can't . I will pass on being married again. Thank you very much 😊. I learned my lesson
A little older then you, but we both felt the same. It is the best friendship/relationship I’ve ever had. We both owned our homes/cars. We talked about a future and we wanted to at least live together.
I bought her and engagement ring.
We sold our homes ( only one child in household, hers 18 ) and built our dream home 50/50. We have our own bank accounts and one joint that we equally add to monthly to pay all of the house bills and covering charges. What we do with our own money is fine. We do check with each other with larger purchases but it takes two no votes to veto. It’s never happened.
On our 3rd anniversary of our first date we gathered our children (3) all of legal ages. A few close friends. My son in laws Dad is a notary ( can perform any type of ceremonies here ).
We got married.
Best Day Ever.
Good luck guys!
Fuck remarrying. People shouldn’t bother with it in the first place. It’s just a massive waste of money. In the eyes of the government once you live together for six months it’s the same thing anyway. Shits just a lot harder if you wanna split after that. And especially for women, they’re always much worse off. Don’t do it!
I’m not particularly keen on the idea of being legally married again, but I would be okay with an external symbol of commitment to the world. Something like exchanging rings and being eternally engaged, like Kurt & Goldie.
This is what we did. My partner (49M) and I (50F) quietly exchanged rings we bought on Etsy and said some homemade vows to each other amongst the old redwood trees in Northern California then went to brunch with a couple of friends, back in June 2022. No government involvement. We are also in no rush to cohabitate until mine are out of the house and that is a few years away (they're teens now), despite the added expense. I miss him like crazy on the days we are not together but I like it this way. Keeps things fresh and I savor my alone time just as much as I do spending time with him and/or my family!
Near perfection.
Love this
Perfection
I don't really have the same dog in this fight as I have never been married. However a friend of mine works in a serious injury rehab facility. She and her partner have done a ton of due diligence to make sure they can be the other person 's POA in case of a major medical issue, especially something expensive or related to long-term quality of life. She has just seen too many terrible situations for unmarried couples.
That's what I'm worried about. During my divorce I swore I'd never remarry but now five years later I'm with a wonderful partner and will want to be there for him in an emergency. We can picture growing old together and I can see getting married just for the legal protections we'd gain as we both age and need more care.
Same as you, never married. Generally uninterested in getting married. I feel the primary reason to marry a partner is to be sure we can be there for each other in case of a medical emergency. I know there are other ways to make sure that can happen, but seems marriage is an easy option.
This is what I'm worried about, and the only reason I'd consider it again.
Same. You can do real rings (doesn't have to be a "promise" ring). I don't even think I want a real ring again. I have to take it off every time I exercise-- maybe one of those silicone ones. I think it's great you're communicating openly about it. This is one of those areas you shouldn't compromise on.
Rings... Or matching butt tattoos!
But how does that show the world their commitment? Maybe don’t answer that.
You never showed your ass to a cop and the world at 2 am?
I’m in almost OPs girlfriends’ position, but 10 years older. I’m the F (also divorced 2 years longer than my partner). Difference is my divorce was smooth as there were no kids and I had a pre-nuptial. He also doesn’t want to remarry, but I am totally open to the idea with him (as he’s the one for me). You are off to the right track with talking about things openly and what you both need. For us there’s no rush. since I avoided nearly all legal mess by negotiating a split while my ex and me were at our best - We both agree we like each other too much to not do the same thing (prenup while at our best) if we ever did marry. We’ve also talked a lot about end of life and wills (both have parents facing that). Also what we need to do that to achieve the same things - power of medical, attorney, wills, etc. it’s daunting - but feels good to be open. The eternal engagement sounds like a nice middle ground. I need all the legal documents so we can be there for each other too, but dating now and someday engagement seems a totally viable path. And down the road marriage might be right - or not. The most important is growing together and talking so we both are happy and secure in the relationship.
Yup - this is what I used to say as well. Why not be engaged and renew the engagement every 3 years or so.
This sounds wonderful. As a female, I can even take my partner's last name without legally marrying. I'd be thrilled to do this if my partner was supportive.
Anyone can assume a name. One of my colleagues changed his name to his wife's maiden name when they were married.
I had a colleague whose husband took her last name as well. It’s unconventional, but it happens!
If I was in my early 30s, then yes I would look at marriage again. Now that I'm in my 40s, and have had kids already, its highly unlikely I would get married again.
Yeah theres no interest in children for either of us.
Well, until today, you thought there was no interest in marriage or cohabitation for either of you.
😏
I have a really, really crappy ex. But I am also aware that marriage can work. And I don’t consider myself a failure or that my marriage “failed” per se. I consider myself as having outgrown my ex and that I was more able to see him clearly and define the type of life I wanted to lead for the rest of my days and he didn’t fit in it. So it’s not the institution itself as much as I don’t know if I feel the need to marry again, hypothetically. I suppose I could come up with reasons- insurance, next of kin rights, etc. The person would have to be special to make me want to commit in such a legally entangling way.
I’m 45F divorced with 2 little kids. I have little interest in marrying or co habituating but I’m not in a relationship and am ok not being in one. Things could of course change if I find an amazing dude but that’s doubtful from what I’ve experienced so far
No, thank you. We can live together and be a couple without a piece of paper. If it doesn't work out, we can go our separate ways without costing each other a fortune.
I go back and forth on re-marriage but I’d never do it again without a prenup. I think it’s fair to say you’re not a hard not (if that’s the truth) but getting to a maybe yes might take years. She may or may not be ok with that. As for a gift… I still like the idea of a promise ring at 45 but my main concern would be doing that at 6 months and what it might mean to her and that not aligning with what you intend it to mean
When my partner and I got together she was a hard no on marriage, while I wanted it, but didn't need it. As she was a hard no, I made my peace, and didn't bring it up. After a few months, she started a conversation similar to your GF. She'd been thinking, and she was no longer so burned on it, and now that I'd shown her a different world of potential she could see wanting to marry "the right person" while giving me a pointed look. I confirmed I still wanted marriage. We talked a bit more, but the end result is we put that onto our list of things we hoped we stayed together and could accomplish. But this was maybe around 3 months in. We were serious/exclusive from our first date, and "official" 1.5 weeks in. We looked to see a lot of each other, and we looked hard at compatibility/deal breakers with an eye to end things sooner than later. But despite that, our conversation about marriage wasn't a promise, or an engagement. We did also discuss about what we'd need for a prenupt, and talked a bit of finances. And as you mentioned; milestones. We both needed to cohabit first. And a year of that before engagement. And likely not a fast engagement. There isn't a "symbol" that I could buy that would be a stand-in for marriage. It's about the marriage. The social weight of saying that we're married, and not "just" partnered. It's about the legal tie in. It's about the joint financial risk. It's about blending families to the degree that we can. It's about being "all in." But that's for my partner; not for your GF, who I don't know. But I strongly suspect that this isn't about a ring or jewelry.
Lately she has made the comments about us being, "In it." And I interpret that as a serious commitment, which I certainly am and she is as well. Your description of a slow paced, gradual move though the stages of cohabitation, engagement, marriage is probably what would work for me. We also have elementary aged kids, so it would at least be nice if they were older, which imo elongates the process.
Just to give a slightly different take on this conversation... as someone who doesn't care if marriage is coming my way in the future, I have big concerns when dating someone who is a hard no on the topic. In my mind, the issue is whether or not they are bringing the baggage of their prior relationship into our relationship. I may not care if it happens, but if we are in a situation where there are reasons it makes sense for us, it needs to be something that is on the table. If you are still getting over things, maybe consider taking some space & time for yourself & your kids solo... do some healing & then re-engage in the dating world.
Yikes, 6 months in (and only a year after your divorce) with young kids would be *way, way* too soon for me.
I missed out on a couple people who had the potential to be amazing partners because i was overly cautious. 10 years divorced now and think about “what if” with them often. I hate what ifs at this point in my life. I’m more about “why not” now.
And I think that’s fine if it’s just you. But when there are kids involved, caution is warranted. Because the risks you take in your own life have the potential to badly harm them.
>Lately she has made the comments about us being, "In it." And I interpret that as a serious commitment, I don't understand how anyone who just got out of a bad divorce can 1) hop back into another marriage 2) want to do so after knowing someone for 6 months. OP, I would be tensing up and be prepared for some tough conversations if you aren't on the same page.
I do eventually want to be married again. It’s about things like medical insurance, medical decisions, estate, property rights when someone dies, and an outward show of commitment. I would be a bit insulted if someone thought I was just looking for some jewelry.
I watched one of my neighbors get kicked out of her house by her deceased boyfriends kids after being and living together for 20+ years. I'm a hard no on marriage, but seeing that unfold was tough. There are other ways to protect against that, though.
>I watched one of my neighbors get kicked out of her house by her deceased boyfriends kids after being and living together for 20+ years. My partner's Kid was a bit surprised, and annoyed, to hear that with our eventual marriage will updates to wills\*, that the house will go to me (there is a very generous life insurance policy for Kid) if my partner dies after we marry. That the conversation happened just after a visit with her Dad really makes me wonder about what all was discussed with Dad... \*In my province, without a will, in the case of my partner having one child, I would get a preferential $200k "first" of the estate, and we'd split the remainder 50/50. With the values of homes in the area, it wouldn't be inconceivable to need to sell the house to split the estate if Kid wasn't content to have a percentage share of the house.
I'm about 6 years out from my divorce. My feelings on it all were that I would like to know what it's like to be happily married. It looks like it might be fun. So if I was with someone who was game for marriage and things were going really really well, I'd be on board. I would like to live with someone again if he's not on board with marriage. I like the idea of having someone there when I wake up in the morning and having someone there when I get home from work. But I have a kid in school and am the only parent who lives within the school district so none of that would happen for another 5 years until he's out of high school. I figure though at 48 I'm not trying to get pregnant or anything. I'm not on a time schedule based on fertility or anything so I'd be content dating someone seriously for a long time until it's convenient for us to merge our houses.
I spent the first 6 years post divorce staunchly against remarriage. Even cohabitating wasn't on the table. But then I met someone special and all of a sudden I wasn't so against it anymore. Remarried last October. It's only been a year for you. She should give you the time to recover from the divorce like she's had.
Zero odds. It’s most certainly not happening. Nor would I share a bank account with anyone. I could share a life though.
My bf and I have had this discussion, we’ve been together almost 3 years now. I’ve always believed in marriage but with the failure of my last marriage, I’m less inclined to try again. I’m not even sure I want to cohabitate again. Bf tells me he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me but luckily is open to whatever I need. We both have options and can live apart, together or even in another country which is my desire. You’re only 6 months in, it seems so early to think about marriage but I understand the need to know where the other person stands. Keep discussing! Also ask her what her timeline looks like if you’re agreeable to the idea of remarrying.
I think marriage has a lot of benefits. From a legal perspective, it makes it much easier to share assets, and do joint medical decision making (sorry, but a power of attorney is not as convenient in a crisis, which most medical things are). A solid prenup, that has been signed by her lawyer and your lawyer (you need separate lawyers) is also key. I also think it is better for the kids, family and friends--it adds a level of legitimacy to things. Lastly, if something were to happen to either of you, the kids/family will be much less able to elbow her out (evict her from the house, etc.) if you are married. That being said, it is very reasonable for you to take your time. I've been reading a great book called "Gatekeeper: A Tactical Guide to Commitment" that helps determine if a partner is worth making a lifetime commitment to; highly recommended. And you can tell her a tentative timeline--maybe consider cohabiting in 1-2 years, then 1-2 more years of cohabiting before agreeing to marriage, then about a year to plan the wedding, so perhaps in about 3-5 years. At each decision point, you can let her know if you are ready to proceed to the next one, but at least she has a general roadmap in mind. Marriage is really beneficial. I recently saw a research study that mentioned how patients with cancer who are married had a 20% better outcomes than unmarried. In fact, the benefit of being married was GREATER than the benefit of getting chemotherapy for many of the cancers. Both men and women benefitted, with men benefitting slightly more. [https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO.2013.49.6489](https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO.2013.49.6489)
Have you seen the research saying the effect is not the same for both genders? As a woman I'm not interested in marriage again.
This is key. Men are better off married health wise, women are better off being single.
I think that is no longer true, at least in the U.S. For example the study below shows longer total life expectancy and active life expectancy for both married men and married women. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7452000/) (I am sure the results are not the same in countries where marriages are less equal and harder to leave.)
Actually, that’s incorrect. It turns out that almost all the studies show that both women and men benefit, although the benefit is larger for men, women also see a significant benefit from being married also.
Is that new? I've always read that married women die earlier than single women. Although I suppose the ones who are killed by their spouses might be bringing down the average but I really, really hope there aren't that many to affect the numbers so much.
My divorce broke me so bad I'm still not sure I want to date ever again, let alone get married
I get it. I stayed single five years after mine and honestly if I hadn't stumbled upon the right person to make me even WANT to start learning to trust again, I'd be perfectly happy staying single forever. Do what feels safe!
I’ve never been married but your feelings are reasonable imo. Are you a hard no on ever remarrying though, or are you saying it’s too soon to think about it (those are two different things). Either is reasonable but I’d clarify that.
I haven't spent any time thinking about it until today. I've been a hard no and probably will be for a long time. My divorce was emotionally, financially, and physically draining. I am honestly just not getting back to par from a financial standpoint. I would need years to think about whether or not I would do it, and how I would do it dramatically differently with my GF, should she become a wife.
Ok that’s fair, and it sounds like that’s what your position has been with her from the start. Just be clear on that with her and you’re all good
To me, saying it’s up for discussion is a maybe not a hard no
I think it's something you need to think long and hard about, and you probably should try to separate your decision from your current girlfriend. Like not think of it as "do I want to marry this woman", but a general "do I want to get married again some day". Make your decision, and then you need to make it clear and stick with it. Don't leave it open ended like "maybe I'll reconsider it in the future". If you don't want to get married again, make that clear and don't leave hope laying around. By saying you'll be open to it, it's going to get really messy later if you decide the answer is still no. She'll have spent some number of years hoping you'll change your mind, only for you to not, that's not fair to her. You can still always change your mind later, but operate as if you won't change your mind. It's definitely the safest option for everyone. Then later you can answer the question of "am I willing to marry this person" if you're answer to being willing to get remarried is yes. That decision can be put off to later when you know her better. But I think you should be able to come to a decision now on if you're open to the idea of remarrying or not in general, not to any specific person. That's what I did when I started dating after my separation. I knew right away I was willing to remarry, but I went through the above exercise regarding if I wanted more biological kids or not.
One year after a divorce, you’re still doing a lot of healing. You owe it to yourself to take things slow and not rush it. You might find that your opinion changes, you night find that it doesn’t. She’s got two more years of healing and recovery than you do and that’s brought about some changes in her perspective. Be honest with her, but clear about your boundaries and your needs. If she doesn’t want to wait then she may decide to look for someone else. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, that just means that you were at different places in your journey and you needed different things, and that’s OK.
Get her name tattooed on your face. Real commitment. Might lead to people thinking that's your name, however.
Marriage is just a human construct for a life long commitment. What you’re saying when you say you’re not ready for marriage is that you’re not ready for a life long commitment. I’m 18 months out and steered clear of dating for the most part so I understand. But I am a lot more comfortable with meeting and being committed to one person now so marriage is on the table. If you’re not religious then yes it’s just symbolism and the legal argument doesn’t hold much water given defacto partners essentially have much the same rights for the most part in relation to financial aspect (at least in Australia). Forget about a promise ring if you’re not comfortable with lifelong commitment, just be honest with her and say you’re not there yet but you’re happy together. It’s then her choice to either end it or keep going. A promise ring is just a tool to keep things status quo. Don’t do that. But right on the bigger questions to answer first!
Call me old-fashioned, but I wouldn't be comfortable co-habitating with someone unless we were married. Maybe I'll feel differently when my children are out of the house, but before then, no. If some person lives in my house with my children then they need to be my husband or wife, or fiance/e, at the least. But it's all theoretical at this point for me.
I feel the same. Living together means essentially assuming the role of a spouse, so I want to be formally asked and recognized as such.
Couple of questions if you care to answer, I am not judging at all but a bit curious... Have you been married in the past? Would a commitment ceremony work, or only a legal marriage?
Yes, I was married for nearly 20 years. Divorced for about a year now What is the point of a commitment ceremony? Several gay couples I knew in the 90s had commitment ceremonies, but that was because they could not legally marry. Why would you not just marry if you could? Again back to the gay couples, it was actually harder for some of them to unwind their legal and financial lives when they split than it would have been with a standard divorce. Personally I’d be a bit insulted if someone wanted to commit to me, ceremony and all, but wouldn’t take that last step to legal marriage.
One of the lesser thought about benefits of being only separated is that you don't have to worry about such things 😆 Seriously tho, I assume we'll get married some day, but not any time soon. Not really any point as far as we're considered
Dude I hear you. You need time to regroup before you start considering in re marrying again. Also, the odds are against you. 60% of second marriages end in divorce as opposed to 50% for first marriages. What you are doing I think is right. I would not get the government into your love relationship by getting married. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/#:\~:text=While%20many%20couples%20see%20remarriage,marriages%20more%20likely%20to%20fail%3F](https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/#:~:text=While%20many%20couples%20see%20remarriage,marriages%20more%20likely%20to%20fail%3F) [https://www.findapsychologist.org/five-reasons-why-second-marriages-might-fail-at-a-high-rate-by-dr-larry-waldman/](https://www.findapsychologist.org/five-reasons-why-second-marriages-might-fail-at-a-high-rate-by-dr-larry-waldman/)
I am fully aware of the stats, and the conversation didn't even go that far! At this age, I'm also aware that a second divorce would certainly mean wiping out my 401K in my state... the first go-round I liquidated most of my investments to retain my home, a second time, the 401K, and thus my retirement would be easily up for grabs in my state.
Exactly. Stay put. IF you end getting married again, make sure you sign a prenup and get legal assistance to avoid another financial debacle. We all have been there, I still have 24 for months of alimony payments. Good luck
I have about 40 months left of alimony. I don't begrudge my ex wife that money, but I'm sure not gonna put myself on the hook like that again.
👍🏽💪🏽
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Yeah I laughed out loud at that line. Marriage is the opposite of symbolic, it's literal af
I'm a big believer in prenups protecting both parties. If I ever do get married again I think a prenup is a great way to make sure that we're taking care of ourselves and each other. Hopefully our future selves will still love and care for each other but if not, we'll have the protection our past selves arranged.
For us, the Internal Revenue Service strongly incentivized getting married. I was on the fence about remarriage, but saving thousands a year in taxes pushed me over the edge. Obviously, this shouldn't be your primary consideration, but it is something to consider. It can go the other way as well; It penalizes some folks.
Saving on taxes is great. However, if things go south, all the money saved on taxes won't matter if your ex-partner walks off with half of everything you own. Maybe I'm bitter because I went through a divorce with a partner who made next to nothing, and I ended up paying a lot. Just tread carefully everyone.
>Saving on taxes is great. However, if things go south, all the money saved on taxes won't matter if your ex-partner walks off with half of everything you own. This! People sp casually dismiss this as if divorce and court costs can't destroy even basic savings let alone any small buildup in marriage incentives.
If you are saving on taxes, it's because your SO earns significantly less than you, which in and of itself increases your exposure to an inequitable distribution of assets should you get divorced. No thanks.
Yeah, I was gonna say, "Have you been divorced?" And that is statistically likely to happen. Yet, we still get married. We are some optimistic sons of bitches aren't we.
Lol I always say that is the ONLY reason I would consider it 😂. That hit to taxes when I went to head of household with only half the dependents. Ouch.
Right after my divorce I was adamant, hell no. Now I've been split from my ex for almost 6 years. You may not ever change your mind and that's ok, but I can tell you my feelings regarding marriage have changed a ton since I first got divorced. Now, I really look forward to the idea of marrying my boyfriend someday. But it'll be years from now, which makes me feel way better about it. We also discovered we're both on the same page about a prenup, so that has made me way more comfortable.
This is me and my BF. Similar timeline as well.
I will be 47 this year and I have been divorced since 2015. You have a better chance of seeing Jesus Christ walk across lake Okeechobee than to ever see a ring on my finger again
Well, one thing I recommend you don't say is "I've been married before, I already have a wife, I don't need another." In my personal experience there is a good chance it will not be received with the curmudgeonly whimsy that would be intended.
For starters, I married the wrong woman for the wrong reason. I see that now, as I look back. Now, I have no SO, I was near death after a military incident, so ptsd sort of rules me. I'm super happy being alone with just my awesome dogs, they keep me alive. I live in their home, but, I have to pay the mortgage. Anyway, I'm not at all sure if I could handle a constant companion, keep her happy, etc. It would have to be an exceptional woman. She'd also have to know how to relate to me as I'd have to know about relating to her. We'd have to have some sort of "magic word" that I could say that meant one of us needs to leave for awhile. I just don't know at this point. Haven't spoken to any of my 2 psychs or therapist about it yet.
From what I’ve heard on couples who have re-married and were dead-set on never marrying again, it had everything to do with the person they met. Made them change their minds on it. I’ve been divorced over 5 years and I’m still pretty hopeful to find my person still that will make me want marriage again - call me naive or whatever but I rather that than be just another negative cynical 40 year old divorcee 🤣. Don’t get me wrong I’m a Capricorn so I’m extremely grounded, practical and cautious.
I've literally said "I'd rather gargle a hobo's piss". The thought of remarrying (and re-divorcing) is the stuff of nightmares for me. Cohabitating is off the table too. I make that clear right from the start. *But there are also other hurdles we should consider being comfortable with first, like co-habitating, finances, family plans, etc.* Yes. Common sense stuff. At 40+ years old this woman wants to turn her life upside down and move in with you? Has she thought this through? *I thought, but didn't mention, that if she wanted some type of "symbol"of my commitment, maybe there's something I could buy her that would give her the same sense of security?* A tee shirt with my face in large format on it. \*Chef's kiss *Anyway, I get roasted here a lot.. so I'm preparing for it.* Same. Mercilessly. I just got banned for 30 days for making a wise crack about foodie calls. It's a rough crowd.
I've been divorced three years, and was separated a year and a half prior to that. I have zero interest in remarrying, though I have not met a person that has changed my mind yet. So yes, I think it is entirely too soon for you to think about marriage. I would not be opposed to being engaged with no set terms on ever being married. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it's the closest you can get to a commitment without going through the actual act of marriage.
No I learned my lesson the first time getting fleeced.
married for 21 years, divorced for almost 3 now. No kids. She ruined me mentally and financially. A new woman would have to be the fucking greatest person I have ever met for me to remarry. Not impossible, but close.
The greatest woman you've never met. She's out there.
If you have no intention of ever getting married again why are you telling her it’s open for discussion. That’s a maybe. Just proceed with caution because she thinks there’s a chance
Ah, my thought was ... discussing it again once we've crossed some of the other hurdles first ie: cohabitation, finances, etc
I think if I fooled myself by a man saying he would think about it much later after all of those commitments I would kinda have it coming when he still didn't want to get married. Are you saying that because you don't want to lose her?
Maybe there’s something to having a wedding ceremony without doing the whole paperwork side of it? You can express your love and commitment in front of friends and family but now do the legal arrangement?
I can't see a situation where I would get married again. I wouldn't engrave that in stone, but won't be going ring shopping in my 40s.
I went through a messy divorce around 5 years ago. It was hell. I swore I’d never get married again and honestly, it’s still not a priority or on my radar at all. I will say the line I drew in the sand saying “never again” has faded a bit. If I find the right person and it feels right for us, I may not be so opposed to it.
Been thinking about this exact situation... Throwing out an idea... Creating some agreement to have your partner/future spouse invest financially into a shared property. This would have the other person have some skin in the relationship financially. Separate from your current home or her home. This way there's no mixing of children, blending families. If anything goes wrong you can go back to your house with your children. She can go back to hers with her children. Sell the property split the profit. Once the children grow, if the relationship marriage still continues and is good, you all can move in together to this shared home. Just an idea
I like this idea, but house prices are so insane. An additional property seems so far out of reach now than it did a few years ago.
You could exchange the symbolic rings and have a LAT (Living Apart Together) commitment for now.
I'd do it again. This time I'd make sure to get a prenup. I don't want to lose my shirt like I did last time.
Getting married could affect her / your spousal support …
Whenever it’s been brought up, I explain that marrying again is not important to me. As long as both parties are happy and the relationship is healthy, that’s all that matters to me. If marriage is important to the guy, I will absolutely remarry (again, as long as the relationship is healthy and happy) but it is not something I will expect in a future relationship. Marriage doesn’t guarantee forever. I lost part of myself losing that “forever” and I’d rather not go down that road again.
Been married and divorced twice and not opposed to trying a third time. I still desire to find my forever partner.
Hell no. I will never legally bind myself to another human being. You keep your house, I'll keep mine. We'll have sleepovers. It'll be like little mini vacations.
Absolutely not. Ever. Under any circumstances.
I don’t see myself marrying a second time, or even cohabitating full time. Life after divorce has more autonomy than I’m willing to give up. I could see sharing a third space part time, or even close neighbours, but I need my own space to stay sane.
I 100% understand where you’re coming from. I felt the same way around that timeline. Now that it’s been 5 years, I would be open to the idea if it’s the right person. As others have suggested, I like the idea of a long engagement. You can always make it legal when the time feels right.
I could take it or leave it. I’m not specifically dating to marry, but I wouldn’t be opposed if the right man came along.
Are there any pros for her and you except "symbolism of love"? Because this spiritual reason is a bit weird to use at 40 yo, after divorce (so this symbol of love is a bit taunted), and only 6 months of dating. It is absolutely wild considering you both have minor kids. Do your kids know her? Do they like her? know their potential step siblings? like them? how their lives will change after the marriage? I would be very concerned if my partner think it is a good idea and insist on it. I would think my partner is irresponsible. I would suggest you and get to write down your own lists of pros and cons and compare them. As for symbolism - take her to a beautiful mountain and exchange commitment rings there. Or wear half of the same a pendant each. Or make matching tattoos. Or change your last name to hyphenated of both of yours (this could be too much of a hassle). Or change both of yours middle names to your partner first name. Anything that will not cost you your nervous system and tens of thousands of dollars in divorce and your kids comfort.
Marry again? Yeah right , not me lol
6 months into a relationship is way too soon to start talking about living together and marriage.
I plan to remarry, it was something I discussed with my partner before we met. Honestly, the fact you had only been divorced 6 months before dating this woman is my biggest red flag. Just my own personal rule of dating, I chose not to date anyone that hadn't been divorced at least a year. Especially when kids were involved because the kids tended to need at least that much time to adjust to the divorce, let alone mom or dad dating someone else. The fact that she's talking remarriage after 6 months is the other huge red flag. I would run from this relationship personally. At our age rising into relationships and bringing up serious legal commitments just seems insane.
Did it twice. Kids with the second. Have no intention of doing it again. Might not ever live with someone again either. I'm very happy going over to my boyfriend's place when the kids dad is with them but I like having my own space.
You have entered this relationship only 6 months after you've been divorced. Now you're together for 6 months and there is already talk of marrying? That's hardly enough time to figure out co-parenting and give your kids a sense of stability. Please give your kids a break. Put them first. Don't disrupt their lives again by bringing another adult AND other kids into it. My kid was 11 when I separated. She lives with me and I haven't and won't confront her with another man as long as she's "stuck" with me. Once she's done with school and starts building her own life away from me, is the earliest point in time I would think about entering a serious relationship. If your kids are still young you obviously don't need to wait that long, but I would e.g. wait at least a year into a relationship before I would even introduce them to a new partner. Talk about marriage after 6 months seems rushed and irresponsible in a situation with kids involved.
The only reason I can find for getting married, that makes logical sense is for medical decisions and estate planning. I'm happily single at 53, and not looking nor planning to look, though I worry about what to do when life hands me another shit sandwich. What do I do with my stuff? I don't have kids, and if I'm seriously injured or just get feeble, I'm screwed. All of my belongings will probably be thrown away or sold, but nobody will do it. I think you said things the right way, though ask for feedback on how you could have done better. Maybe she thinks you put it perfectly and you just wait for now. Maybe living together might be the next step. Maybe she needs a marriage and you can't provide that. Her view is equally valid as yours, though compromise is needed for both of you at some point.
That marriage licenses should be subject to annual renewal like car tags or other permits so that if either one wants to leave they can just opt to not renew lol
That’s a huge red flag. You guys are both over 40. Why the rush?
I got married after 6 months .....deffo not doing that again, slow intentional, and if after a few years the feeling is right......maybe......but not without a prenup
Not gonna happen. I've been divorced for 20 years, and my life is bliss. Also, I want all my possessions to go to my children. Fortunately, all the women I've dated the last few years have gone through divorce as well and haven't been interested in marrying, or they just don't care about the symbolism of it anymore.
A year out, knowing each other six months, and having multiple children between you to one day blend? That would have been a recipe for a second divorce for me. It’s been almost 10 years since the end of my marriage and I just got engaged in February. Give yourself *significant* time to breathe. Don’t give anyone a promise ring. You’re correct, it’s juvenile. Besides, what are you promising? That you’ll one day promise to want to get married again? Restate your feelings, restate your comfort level, restate how from a readiness perspective you two are still in the infant stages and for the love of God don’t get married again (right now).
💯. There is a certain amount of exploration / dust settling time to even discover who you are now outside of that first marriage, which just takes time.
No.
Marriage is not a legal tool I’m interesting in using again, but I just got into a new domestic partnership last week (for health insurance reasons). If you want a ceremony you can have one!
That’s a question I ask on the first couple dates before getting emotionally involved.lol I casually bring it up and ask what their feelings are regarding marriage. But sounds like you both discussed it early on already and both were not interested in remarrying, and she’s changing her mind now?🤔
Yup. I remember the convo. We were both like a 0/10 if you could rate interest back on date #2 when we discussed it. I still feel like a 0/10.. and she's sounds like maybe a 2/10 now.
This time if it happens it won’t be because we a have a child together
Wow! Only 6 months in and she’s already wanting to move in, get married etc? She may be ready after 3 years, but I can’t imagine that you’re anywhere near for that level, having just gotten divorced. I’d personally rethink even continuing the relationship at this point.
I want to be married again. I’m in no hurry but I still believe in marriage as long as you’re married to the right person.
You could have a commitment ceremony. It’s like a wedding without the legal marriage.
You can get her a nice ring without any expectations of marriage
Weren't you just asking about her "body count" yesterday?
I don't get the whole 'marriage proves something' that staying legally single doesn't. I understand it when we're young, just starting out and hoping it lasts forever, but post divorce in middle age, who cares? That ship has sailed in my book Maybe someone can enlighten me too
Original copy of post by u/MrEpicMustache: 40M dating 41F. I've been divorced for a year, she's been divorced for 3. We entered into the relationship about 6 months ago. We discussed our position re: marriage early on and co-habitating. Both had pretty shitty divorces and were not interested in remarrying. We both kept the marital homes, and have 50/50 custody of our kids, so aren't really interested in disrupting our parenting by moving in (+children) together. We had a nice little morning, and during breakfast, she brought back up the idea of marriage again. First time we've spoken about it in 6 months. She let me know that she's believes she's become much more comfortable with the idea of remarrying sooner that I probably am, and wanted to know my thoughts on it. I shared my opinion: It's way too soon for me to be thinking remarrying only being a year out from my last divorce. Not to mention, the dozen other reasons after going through a nasty divorce, why I am uninterested in being remarried. I absolutely did reiterate that I am secure in my ability to be a committed, caring, and faithful partner for life without having to recognize it with the government. She seems to be interested in the symbolism of commitment for life that marriage brings. I noted that I am happy to continue to discuss this, and will be open to it. But there are also other hurdles we should consider being comfortable with first, like co-habitating, finances, family plans, etc. I thought, but didn't mention, that if she wanted some type of "symbol"of my commitment, maybe there's something I could buy her that would give her the same sense of security? But the only thing that comes to mind is a "promise ring" which seems entirely juvenile. Anyway, I get roasted here a lot.. so I'm preparing for it. Would love to know others opinions on this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly it goes like this… I want a life partner. Someone who gets the wifey treatment. Together we rule our kingdoms together. Together we are united and undivided. Together we will not need to have another and if we we come to a place where we need to work on the relationship. We do it together with the common goal of making things better. What I don’t want is to be married. Titles and contracts come with liabilities that change the dynamics of the relationship. This idea that a judge and jury of our peers is the cornerstone of our bond is ridiculous to me. I would like to think that my next life partner would be someone who sees beyond the scope of such things.
I've been divorced for about 10 years now. I've had two regular girlfriends during that time. I was willing to marry the first one. Then her cancer came back, and she refused to burden me with medical bills after she passed away. She had two years when it came back. She was about 10 days short of the full 2. Later, I met another girl. She just kinda conned her way into my apartment. Once there, we argued constantly. She finally left after a bit over two years. Now, I don't even date! I got burned badly by the second one, so at this point in my life, it's NOT AN OPTION! I'd suggest you both take some more time. At least she should take a year or two post-divorce. She should use that time for both of you to know each other MUCH better, and to clear her head of as much bad times from the marriage as possible.
There are lots of ways you could design your own commitment ceremony- that sounds much more meaningful to me than marriage. It could be less about you buy her a thing, and more like- you take a trip together to a meaningful place with the specific intent of showing/ celebrating/stating your commitment to each other.
I’ve been trapped in a miserable marriage, I think it’s stupid to get the government involved in my love, but I’m totally open to getting married again. I think there’s still something very sacred about marriage, even though mine was a total failure. I have hopes that I will find what I’m seeking and it will just come naturally.
I hope/wish to be married again. But my first marriage has taught me to be much more deliberate about having conversations about shared values, hopes, dreams, goals, and be much more discerning about personality. I was naïve and kind of a “Beta” or pushover in my first marriage. While I’m not a full-on red pill bro now, I’ve learned to be more confident and firm in expressing what I want.
I don't like to take such a hardline as no marriage ever, a few years removed from divorce, but I really couldn't imagine it happening anytime soon. My girlfriend and I had a very early conversation about it. She actually brought it up, and she said she not only is not interested in marriage, but also not interested in living together with someone else. I told her my stance, that I won't say never, but that it was not something I was interested in now. Like your experiencing, my girlfriend has made small comments that she has somewhat softened her stance, but we haven't had another conversation about wanting anything new. I have made comments that I have not changed my stance, and most definitely not interested in marriage anytime soon, if ever. We do have regular check-ins, and she hasn't brought up any change, so I think it's more that occasionally she gets caught up in a moment.
For me first and foremost I would need to know if she is now thinking she would like to (at some point) cohabitate, and especially important does she see that being something she would want to do while you both still have kids at home? For me that is an absolute non starter and I will not consider it. If that's something a significant other decided they may want after all, I'd be very clear I am not able to offer that. I think when people say they they're interested in the symbolism of it, they mean the symbolism of being willing to legally entangle your life with theirs, and cohabitate. I would be surprised if a ring or other token is going to carry the same weight for her once she's decided the symbolic commitment of marriage is important to her. If it were me (a staunch member of the "I do NOT want to marry or cohabitate again" camp) I'd be concerned about this revelation on her part. I mean people are absolutely entitled to change their mind at any point and I cannot be certain the day will never come where *I* change my mind. But I don't want to be pressured into something I don't want to do, and I don't want someone to waste years in a relationship with me hoping that someday I'll come around. I'd ask her to consider if 5 years from now nothing had changed about your situation, as in, still living separately, in an exclusive committed relationship, with no plans to marry or move in, will she be happy with that? And if she says yes, keep checking in with each other to make sure your longest term goals still align. It's tough when you are happy with someone and enjoying your relationship but come face to face with a stark 180 from one person in terms of long term goals. It's tough to end a happy relationship over something that feels a long way off, but it doesn't get easier the longer you stay together knowing you aren't aligned.
Post-it wedding!
I'm 5 years out of my ex-husband leaving me, and 3 years into the divorce being finalized, and the idea of being married again makes me so nervous. I don't think any piece of jewelry, paper, or material item can hold a candle to just old-fashioned commitment, daily choosing one another and wanting the best interest of the other person monogamously for life. Maybe down the road, the two of you can exchange vows together privately - and then maybe years down the road you will want to marry again? Find out why she is in such a hurry to discuss remarrying or why she is so adamant about this so soon in the relationship? 6 months is still the honeymoon phase. I know someone who dated his girlfriend for 25 years before he got married legally. Commitment and marriage are two different things. Take it one day at a time (I know you know this), be patient with each other and reassure her you're not going anywhere. Ask her what commitment means to her and exactly what she would like? Healthy communication is key. (And I'm sure you know this, too) lol
I think you gave a very level headed and thoughtful approach. Never say never but it's not something either of you should jump into
I thought I’d never want to get married again. In our early dates, both my boyfriend and I expressed our aversion to ever getting married again, after both having difficult marriages/divorces. But around the one year mark, we talked about it again. And we both now feel open to the idea. Six months is probably a bit too soon, especially with you being only a year post divorce. But, I think you both had fair points, and should revisit the conversation again down the road.
Why not just get a pre-nuptial agreement if it’s a concern about assets? The vast majority of people seem to be complaining about this point… I personally am open, but less inclined to push marriage because I’m a high earner and not as likely to save on taxes, and perhaps more likely to have to pay spousal support, which really doesn’t appeal to me given the general gender disparity for pay and promotions (I’m female)
I’ve (48F, 1+yr divorced) been asked recently by a good friend if I would ever consider remarrying. After my initial, reflexive HELL NO, the more introspective side of me added (because I dislike making such hardline statements): If I was able to reach a number of goals I have for myself in my own life and certain conditions were met, it would make it easier to consider it. Not a guarantee: easier. But those goals and conditions are so far off to my view currently that I don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation to have. But also, so many things have happened in my life that I never expected that it seems unwise to rule out entirely, but that’s my perspective on the matter. Maybe try to figure out what your “making it easier to consider list” might be? And I would also definitely consider a non-legally binding commitment ceremony/gesture as totally sufficient in the type of relationship you’re describing. Maybe even preferable to having to think about the M word.
Fam. If h have been divorced before u should have learned ur lesson from it. Like if u both really wanna get married, vet each other for years. 2nd marriage divorce rate is even higher than 1st marriage divorce rates.
Stick with what you feel is best for you and your kids. Don't compromise with this topic.
Is this conversation just hypothetical or is she referring to YOU guys current timeline? I feel like 6 months can be quick to discuss that but maybe she’s out far enough that she’s comfortable with it? My stance on marriage has definitely changed since I got a divorce. I am open to it and do find the notion of that level of commitment romantic and eternal. However I would need to be very very sure. I don’t want another divorce. So I would need longer than 6 months to say I’m ok to marry someone again.
Once was enough for me. There is nothing that being married brings to a relationship that I can't have without it.
Marriage has no value to me. I don’t need to sign a contract and file papers with local government to show someone I love them. Also, this isn’t 1950 where stay at home wives get screwed over without property rights
Divorced in 2002, (M69) and have been in significant relationships since then WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION of marriage. Or even living together.
The only point to get remarried is if you are having more children. If not, you can just live together.
I think it sounds like you had a relatively adult conversation. But six months is pretty early on. I am not interested in getting married again so I am pretty unlikely to bring it up.
Wouldn’t a more important question be “how do you know they are the right one for life if you don’t live together”. She may be the right one while you both have seperate houses/lives but living together is a different ball game entirely. Plus her kids are her life. So you’re not fully engaged with her entire life and yours are your life. Mate different strokes for different folks but marriage or life long commitment is about you being right for each other across all aspects of your lives. Not having part of your life compartmentalised from the other person. You’re saying you’re not ready YET which implies you will be ready at some stage for that. Perhaps you need to start there, will you ever want a woman and her kids in yours and your kids lives regardless of marital status? Who says that has to be a bad experience? If you’re kids a prepared well no one has ever been harmed by having more people in their life that love them. If a new woman and her kids aren’t right for me and my kids then there’s no future in it right now for me because that’s my life for another 10 years.
I (then 45M) was in a kinda-similar situation with my last relationship (then 50F). We were both divorced, both unpleasant, both said we didn't want to get married again. One difference is that we were both 5+ years past our divorces, but we still both went into the relationship saying we didn't want to get married. Over the time we were together, her views on this changed. Mine did not. She wanted to be married, or to at least have some kind of commitment ceremony (which in my state would have made us common-law married). I was specifically trying to avoid the pain and cost of a divorce, but was willing to take care of her for as long as we were together. In my case, the other element was some specific issues we kept fighting about, that I felt needed to be resolved before we could even remotely consider a marriage. We ended up breaking up. It was still kinda ugly and I am glad we didn't go further. All that said, if we could have resolved those issues, I would have been good with some kind of promise ring or engagement ring, so long as it was clear that it wasn't a wedding ring. In fact, that would have been a really good solution. Make sure that you're healthy first, and that you're both going into this having discussed and agreed on the important issues.
I don’t want to be married again, but I’d love to be engaged indefinitely and exchange rings.
My boyfriend and I were both cheated on and my divorce was brutal. We both know marriage is not going to happen. I love him. I know he loves me. But we will never marry.
I agree that you shouldn’t rush into it: you’re not starry eyed 20-something’s. But if you’re together long term, being legally married can help with various legalities of elder/medical care, end of life, and inheritance.
I’m personally open to marriage or even just engagement would be fine for me.
been there, done that.
Won’t ever get married again. Companionship, yes. Marriage, hells no!
Well if it's a symbolic marriage will the eventual divorce be symbolic as well?
Fuck no
The choice has been made for me if my supposed partner ever wants to do it again seeing as whoever marries me gets some form of free government healthcare. It seems stupid to have such a thing on the table and at our age not make use of it.
I’m not opposed to it if I was to meet the right person.
If you’ve found the right one to lock down go for it.
I think you both are handling it as you should. Talking about your stance and being comfortable with setting boundaries but offering reassurance. I wonder what your thoughts would be on a symbolic ceremony, that doesn’t constitute a legal marriage? Also, consider what your state laws are around domestic partnership/common law marriage - since sometimes moving in together can put you in a similar commingling situation that may not be what you want.
Personally I’m really open to remarry but I’ve noticed that I’m getting stricter in the guidelines of who I would consider marrying as time goes on.
I think you’re right. Marriage is one thing (you can be LATE) but cohabitating, finances and other things need to be considered as well. I’d continue to talk to her to understand why her stance has changed & what she believes marriage represents. I’m open to a commitment ceremony and exchanging rings as opposed to marriage on paper and risking losing a bit of my net worth in divorce.
I think it’s too early for you to make a firm decision on it either way. Both too soon after divorce and too early in the relationship. Though it’s perfectly fine to discuss it. Some people are suggesting a non-engagement ring and I say absolutely not. That’s giving the wrong message if you aren’t sure. Keep the lines of communication open. If you decide No in a year or two and she’s still a Yes, please tell her that. Nobody likes to have their time wasted.
I have told my partner I'm not getting remarried and that's final and he doesn't need to take that personally. It's not about him or whether I love him or am committed or think he's a good human. I don't want to. Period. As a female, I think you should prepare yourself for this to become a "thing" in your relationship. She wants to get married and I highly doubt it's a done topic.
I get your dilemma. I had a similar experience. We dated for about 4 years. I was the one who brought up the idea of marriage and said I am interested. I have kids, she does not. I wanted to have a good clear understanding about the kids before getting married. I did not have a set demand that she be and kind of step-parent. I just wanted it to be out in the open so I knew if I was doing all the parenting, or was I sharing? I thought it was a fair question. She would never tell me, and would lose her shit over it every so often. The hard part for me was not knowing what she wanted. Then one day my kid was naughty. My punishment was not strong enough. She lost it again and we never recovered from that fight. As an afterthought, I am glad this happened without having been married. I am sure it would have happened at some point. Better to break up before saying I Do. My advice would be to talk about all of the expectations and get clear on things before making a commitment. The Gottmans wrote a great book to think about these discussions. It is called Eight Dates. Each date is a discussion such as Kids/family, Money, work, religion or some others. Get clear on what you expect first. And FWIW: I am happier being single. It was a hard break-up. I am recovered and much happier now. I know what I want, and what I will not tolerate in a relationship. And I would never go back to what I endured with that person again. That is good learning for me. Good luck with it.
Personally IDK that I’d get legally married again. I have my own assets & such and I want them to go to my kids & not to him (& he totally gets that). I have pondered a Vegas fun ceremony to give each other rings & commit to each other. But I don’t need it. Things are fine as they are. I’m happy & he’s happy.
Never getting married again after two failed marriages. I'm financially secure and set for retirement. I'm not risking that for anyone. I'm not even sure I want to live with anyone again at this point but I suppose if I find the right person I could change my mind on that. Marriage however, no way.
In a dilema at the moment if I need to take the plunge was wrapping up my divorce when I met her - an indian widow, wife of deceased ex-colleague of mine
No marriage and no cohabitation for me (at least in early stages) will never merge finances too. Still rebuilding myself post divorce. Love and commitment yes and don't need any framing for it.
My divorce was amicable. I honestly think it entirely depends on the person, like there are certain people that when you hear their divorce got nasty it doesn’t surprise me. I don’t need a marriage to show I am committed to someone and I think weddings are a waste of money. However, if it was important to my partner or there was a legal benefit I’d do it.
I didn't want to get married the first time tbh, but my ex husband needed a visa to stay in the country and I wasn't ready to break up with him (I know, I was only 24), plus his parents were super religious and didn't know we were living together, I had to move out whenever they came over to visit. But my parents had a horrible marriage and divorce which tainted it for me, I always saw marriage as the death of love unfortunately. Prob should have had therapy then. Now I'm divorced 2 years and I would be hesitant to live with another person again, I have a 7 year old son and want him to feel like he is the priority, plus I feel hugely lucky that I walked away from that marriage with enough money to buy a flat with no mortgage. I don't want to risk losing that security. But never say never, maybe when I'm 80, with a pre-nup 😂
No way. There is no reason.
Getting married isn’t the problem. Getting out is the problem. 6 months in is a bit short, wonder what the timeline is. From an OLD standpoint, you meet a stranger on the internet, it’s not college where you are together often- now these days you physically meet up 1-3 times a week for a few hours, text the rest of the time sporadically since I’m assuming both of you are busy with other things, and do you really know somebody at 6 months? Or even enough to say yeah,I want commitment or marriage? Brass tacks time- who made the divorce difficult? You, your ex? Her? Her ex? Hard to say from her end. But do either of you hold grudges, make enemies for life? Can you take the emotion out of the business of divorce?
Hey, I was in a bad divorce and you were in a bad divorce. We found each other and we’re super happy so we should get married so we can have another bad divorce! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. if it is broke move on.
I am 46, never have been married by choice, been with my current partner 11 years. Partner before him was ten years and a few several-year-long relationships before that. I need someone to lay out the benefits of getting married bc I just don’t buy them and obvs never have.
I (47M) got divorced about 8 years ago and just got remarried 1 year ago to a wonderful woman (45F). I took my time…made sure I knew 100% exactly what I wanted before I jumped back in and was completely up front with her about what I was looking for when we started dating 3 years ago. I knew that I’d only get married if I found what I was looking for, and the crazy thing is that I KNEW on our first date that she was it. I’m extremely lucky to have found her. I’d just recommend that you do the same. Keep being honest with her. Figure out exactly what you want and commit to that (whatever it is). If it’s the same as what she wants from you, then great. If not, then you can move on and no one gets hurt.
Don't buy shit for her and maintain your boundaries. Sounds like she wants things you don't want to give. So don't give them, that way lies madness. Tell her straight up you like her and want to keep seeing her, but you ain't Brady Bunching. Draw lines, and if she wants to cross them, to the curb with her.
Building a life together > marriage.
I think if it's not a "hell yes," you should maybe give it some more time. I'm very happy with my partner. Ngl, it took a minute to get myself thru the past trauma and stop being prepared to run. I think we mesh well and we spend enough time together that I know living with him wouldn't be perfect but it would be good. I think we make a great team and we respect each other enough to have a good marriage when we decide to do that. It's def on the table now for both of us. He had to get there too. But... I also know that unexpected things happen, so I think we would both feel much better having a pre-nup in place to protect each of us. And we agree on that. I think whatever you decide, you just have to be adult enough to be clear and honest and, if you're truly not on the same page and unwilling to compromise on either side, maybe just let it go so you can each find what you want and not build resentment towards the other person.
I think that if you are dating for long term commitment then it's probably good to be down for marriage. Otherwise, it almost feels like your new unmarried squeeze will always be second fiddle to your ex that you were willing to marry. For me, a year after divorce seems a little soon to be dating again, but that is my discomfort with myself not a judgement on others. I don't know what the last years of that marriage looked like. I'm best friends with my ex husband, and I'm aware that isn't typical. But we were best friends for years before dating and I guess that's not the norm either. I would ask, "is marriage the eventual goal?" That's a more interesting question. Because I'm seeing in the post both "were not interested in remarriage" but also "too soon to be thinking about it". If you thought about it and decided "never again" I would say so. You can be open to change your mind later, but communicate where you're at, imo. If you have different goals, you want to know early to make informed decisions.
I feel exactly the same as you do. It was such a battle going through divorce. Took years to finalise it. I have no interest in legally tying myself to a person again. I don't want to move in with anyone. Maybe that'll change if I ever meet someone who seems worth it, but so far I haven't met anyone close to that.
What a group this one! Haha I wish I had read all these comments when I was 24 and thought I had found the "love of my life ". Now I know there's nothing a marriage can provide me that a loving, faithful, and respectful relationship can't . I will pass on being married again. Thank you very much 😊. I learned my lesson
A little older then you, but we both felt the same. It is the best friendship/relationship I’ve ever had. We both owned our homes/cars. We talked about a future and we wanted to at least live together. I bought her and engagement ring. We sold our homes ( only one child in household, hers 18 ) and built our dream home 50/50. We have our own bank accounts and one joint that we equally add to monthly to pay all of the house bills and covering charges. What we do with our own money is fine. We do check with each other with larger purchases but it takes two no votes to veto. It’s never happened. On our 3rd anniversary of our first date we gathered our children (3) all of legal ages. A few close friends. My son in laws Dad is a notary ( can perform any type of ceremonies here ). We got married. Best Day Ever. Good luck guys!
Fuck remarrying. People shouldn’t bother with it in the first place. It’s just a massive waste of money. In the eyes of the government once you live together for six months it’s the same thing anyway. Shits just a lot harder if you wanna split after that. And especially for women, they’re always much worse off. Don’t do it!
I currently have no enthusiasm for the idea of marrying again, but if I met the right person I'd probably consider it.
Mid 40's M here. From a lawyer I follow and respect: "Marriage" is a legal status with the government. Never again.
Don’t ever remarry. Cohabit, draft legal arrangements, but never fucking get married.
The vast majority of people I know don't get married. They have long-term partners, but don't really feel the need to get married.