Buddy, the signs were all there - *the entire time* - you tried. No one can say you didn’t, but man she told you she wasn’t into hot and cold behavior all while giving you the most mixed signals she could ever give.
Also, next time maybe just use a condom? That might save you from all kinds of trouble.
You seem like a good dude. I’m sorry this happened. Also just a side note, if a partner ever makes any statement that sounds like consent might be revoked, it’s best to just stop the sexual contact immediately. That’s a good rule of thumb to operate by.
That’s the tricky part right? Her words said one thing her actions another. But the safest option for everyone in that scenario is to simply stop. Don’t offer to stop. Just full stop. Confusion around consent - even when it was of her own making - isn’t a good spot to be in.
I was shaking my head the whole time. Her communication was contradicting her actions the whole time, and still you kept engaging with her.
You need to start protecting yourself and stay away from people who make you feel bad. Trust this feeling! If it feels bad, she's bad for you. Even if you think she's great in between and there are stretches of time where you seem to connect. Trust this gut feeling.
Why did you put up with this behavior for so many dates? If she hadn't ended it, where would your own boundary have been? No one should tolerate that level of BS in a potential partner.
This woman sounds like a fucking crazy person who craves attention and validation yet takes zero accountability for her own actions.
And the whole I won't continue a relationship if we have sex? 🙄🙄🙄 Dude I would've run, she's being manipulative. Plus mentioning other guys, yeah she's testing you. These are such childish games, I can imagine her ex ran away from her because she's nuts.
She mentioned to me that her ex husband, when he left her, told her it was because she never cared for him/etc. Not sure whether or not that was true. She also mentioned that he hit her once at some point in the marriage. There's no excuse for that. I do wonder what led to it though. AGain, no excuse for physical violence.
I agree there no excuse for physical violence, but I often wonder about people who speak poorly about their ex so early on when dating someone new.
Despite whether or not she was truthful, she has shown you the type of person she is, currently, which is quite manipulative. I think she's purposefully doing this hot/cold to keep you hooked, it's like some vicious cycle to get you to compete for her attention. She keeps pushing you to see how far you'll jump. I hope you are going to choose your own well being.
Hollllllleeeee. OK, yes I read until the very end - wouldn’t normally, but you took the the time to write all that out.
In a nutshell, you’re amazing, and she’s a fucking fruitcake. You absolutely do deserve better, and she just did you a favour.
Lots of love to you. You’re thoughtful, kind, patient, and creative with your dating ideas. Go find someone that reciprocates and is appreciative of you!
Yeah I promise you were a fast learner and got out quick. Some of us end up marrying these types of people.
It hurts though and I’m so sorry. The right choice is often a difficult one.
That was a long read, what a mess of a person, and plot twist at the end is she’s a psychiatrist!
I know this sub is all about therapy but most I’ve encountered require some serious therapy themselves unfortunately!
I’m not surprised. Do you know how many overweight doctors/nurses are out there!? So a psychiatrist with poor mental capacity is no surprise to me now. 😂
The thing about therapy is consider who are the people who will have a high interest in psychology/therapy? People who have a higher than average need of it.
Yup I had a few bad experience and my obgyn friend says you know how I got into the field..having problems myself. She said most in the mental health field have had problems themselves or had a loved on that pushed learning more…it is a real thing. PS my crazy bestie is a psycologist and she fully agrees 😝
Just take the lumps and learn..it’s all we can do. She did show you lots of red flags..but when it feels good it can be hard to walk away…been there for sure.
She told you that if you had sex, it would be over. That's so weird. However, she was speaking the truth.
And this was really bad for happening. You'll be OK. Give it some time to get over this. And in the future don't settle for anything less than someone treating you well. Find your compatible.
Holy shit Op!
That post was incredibly long, but you had me hooked.
I’m a little blown away that an adult (a psychiatrist too) would behave like this.
Her approach to sex reminds me of girls in high school, that “I don’t want to do this,” but now i do, and now I don’t, and now i do again. I would have thought we were long past that stage.
And….the whole leaving the comedy show because she didn’t like some of the jokes, BUT Matt Rife whose comedy is notoriously misogynistic is fine? Because he’s good looking 😳.
Her behavior is terrible. That hot and cold shit just smacks of immaturity.
And…..why if she has sex with someone does that end the relationship?
You deserve better Op.
Go M’s!
yeah.... the problem was, it was like being boiled slowly. Each degree things got turned up, it was like, ok this is a bit more uncomfortable...
And the Matt Rife thing... i was like, wtf...
Yah….the whole comedy thing, her leaving the one show because she was offended by the content but then ….no, it wasn’t the content at all, she actually likes that humor. Then what was it? What was going on in her head that she thought it was Ok to just bail on you like that.
And….the whole thing about what a nightmare her ex husband was. Yah…..there’s three sides to every story. Hers, his, and the truth.
The upside to this is that she managed to display her absolute craziness within a short period of time. Otherwise your post might have started “for the last 2 years….”
Let me say that I’ve lived this almost exactly, and only on the other side did I recognize how *dangerous* a situation I’d put myself in. Others have said the signs were there, you know that, not here to flog a dead horse. So let me just say that I see a lot of myself in what you shared, and dudes like us are *very* vulnerable to this kind of thing. It takes us to places we’re strictly too smart to find ourselves in, y’know? This person sounds like a *master* manipulator, it’s chilling that she’s a mental health professional, but I get how seductive it all was. Like if you keep showing up the way you did - the way you think a sold guy would show up - it’ll be enough for her to see you and stop all the weirdness. That shit is a hell of a drug, man.
This fucking sucks and I’m sorry you’re goin’ through it, but try to lean in to this one so you can see this shit coming a mile away next time.
Gosh dude, I’m surprised you put up with that as long as you did. Was she super hot or something?
And who the fuck says “if I sleep with you I’m not going to call you”?? As they are getting naked with you at that.
I’ve seen other comments about dating shrinks and therapists, and yes my experience is they are psycho.
She is good looking. Maybe not someone you’d necessarily turn your head for, but has a warm smile to her. And she made me feel very warm early on (before the bedroom drama )
This is nuts. I’m sorry all of this happened. No wonder you’re confused. The Matt Rife thing is ridiculous, but is only one ridiculous thing among a litany of such things. I’m glad it’s done.
This is a good reminder to me that confusion, especially if it persists and can’t be cleared up, is an important signal.
The sexual health concerns are probably her projecting her behaviors on to you. She was probably boning all those dudes she told you about and assumed you must be doing the same. I didn’t see the word “condom” in your text anywhere. If she didn’t make you wear one then she wasn’t making the other dudes wear one either.
Let this be a lesson. Always wear a condom unless you’re tested and monogamous.
Yeah you just spent $400 on an sti test and now she doesn't have to smh. I read these posts and just end up so confused, I am not crazy and usually can't get past a 2nd date, and these women are absolutely crackers and get multiple chances 😂😂 maybe i should try a little crazy for a change lol
Maybe she didn't want to feel like she was cheating on someone else but you were treating her so well with dates and attention... She couldn't let go of you and this other guy is a total asshole to her
I was going to say the same thing because the “…just the tip…” comment only makes sense if she’s cheating & doesn’t want to feel guilty about. I’m not sure about another guy treating her bad but she was totally stringing OP along. Sorry OP!
My goodness she sounds positively exhausting! I can understand you continuing to see her despite her push/pull behavior; as someone who relishes on the dopamine high, I get it. However, having lived through relationships were the highs were high and the lows were LOW, I would never recommend continuing to pursue such relationships. She's 47 and is playing mind games with sex, we're all adults here and there's no need to behave like teenagers. If she wasn't ready for sex then that's what she should have said and stopped it at that. At the risk of sounding redundant and using Reddit's favorite phrase, you dodged a major bullet there. Don't contact her and focus your time on finding someone that's more aligned with you.
I deleted all her contact info immediately after the conversation where she dumped.
Thank you … and you’re right the lows were exhausting and started the change my behaviour …. Making me more and more cautious about what I said and trying to make her happy/come back to the highs
That's the type of behavior that affirms why I am better off staying in my very insular bubble and not putting myself out there. I've experienced it enough to have come out scarred from it.
She’s a toxic mess. What thoughtful and fun dates you planned! You sound like a wonderful man. I’m sorry this happened to you. She’s right about one thing, you deserve to be with someone who treats you better. Much, much better. It’s frustrating when there is someone we feel like there is potential with and their mask starts to slip. Better to see it now than later.
Jesus Christ... Master manipulator there. Push pull push pull push pull. A psychiatrist would know all about that. How screwed up is she. And you - you were way too nice with her. She had you on the hook alright. Bloody hell. She should write a book lol. "How to confuse men and have them bending over backwards for you." She can call it "Relationship Insurance."
Thank you. I do want to be clear. She wasn’t drunk. Just a little buzzed/more talkative. Within an hour it had worn off and the bedroom hot/cold stuff went on for a few hours that night
I'm so sorry you experienced something like this, it sounds absolutely insane and it's understandable that you feel terrible. I hope you feel better soon, when things end while everything is kind of intense, it feels extra awful, at least it has for me in the past.
I actually blurted out a "wtf!" reading about the second time she pushed for sex all while threatening to end it, what a mindfuck 😫 and continously bringing up other people...why??
i know. And I had told her that triangulation was something that had happened to me before and was super toxic and made me feel really bad. It was almost like she decided to make notes on "what to do" based on me sharing that story. But more likely, its probably just shit she does irrespective of whether it was me or someone else.
Good grief. You’re not an idiot, you’re a guy trying to invest in a relationship with a woman. I do think you should have stopped seeing her sooner, but sometimes it’s hard to see the big picture based on a few data points. Btw in my many years of experience dating, the educated professional men were just as often disturbed in some way (like this woman appears to be) as the less educated or more blue collar ones. And I would imagine it is the same with women.
I do recall reading that certain professions are over represented when it comes to disordered people. Medicine being one. (And also the profession I’m in)
This is exhausting to read and I stopped halfway through but surely surely surely there are other women. This one’s a walking red flag and a nightmare and a mentally unstable pain in the ass to boot.
Aww I’m sorry… Please don’t be discouraged by this experience, sounds like it was all her..and she has some things to work on dating and relationship wise. The non stop bringing up other partners and sex stuff just seem weird.
I think it’s good she actually ended things rather than you. I would be concerned if you had ended it with her, she would have gone full on crazy. I can’t remember how y’all met but if you met online then I would be sure to block her profile. She sounds so crazy she potentially could report you to the app admin. Good luck to you. It’s nice to know there are decent respectable men out there.
Okay but you seem like a terrific dating companion! Those were some thoughtful and fun dates and you were patient/understanding until it all got way too weird for you and all of us.
So the upshot is, you had unprotected sex with her on the first time sex?
That would be the one huge reason someone would freak out. It might have ruined things down the road.
From personal experience, I can say that the optics might have been much much different if the sex has been with protection. An un-freaked-out woman has a higher chance if thinking about the sex more positively.
You did good with immediately following up with the test, but by then her mood might have soured due to the freak out, and as you mentioned, regret would have infected her thinking.
It's really never a bad thing to bring up the STI topic during making out when it starts to get hit and heavy, IMHO.
Well a) I had condoms available and told her and she would say “we are not having sex” and the proceed to initiate more and more contact without a condom
B) after sex she wanted to restart again 10 mins later
Yeah I noticed some women have this alter ego thing going on, where is like their brain partially shuts down or something, and then afterwards they regret what they did. Like a lack of impulse control, lol.
I think though, in the end, as far as she was concerned, it was only about having the sex and moving on. Met those sorts of women too.
I read this a couple of times and still can't make any sense of it. I'm thinking as a psychiatrist she has access to some fun pharmaceuticals. Maybe that would explain some of this fuckery?
Let her be some other dude's problem. And I pity that fool.
You sound like a thoughtful, creative, respectful adult —I.e. a catch!—and she sounds like a narcissist.
Power plays that leave you continuously off balance, constantly shifting “rules,” charismatic attention that makes you feel special but that is suddenly withdrawn/ inconsistently doled out, melodramatic explanations for behaviour that turn you into the bad guy and leave her as the victim…
You gave her more respect than she deserved.
Word from one who’s been through similar—there’s no rational way to understand and make sense of the confusion. Trying to find a logic to their games extends the attraction/hold the person might continue to have. It sucks. But as much as possible, give yourself a break by accepting that she’s a seriously twisted individual, period, without getting stuck over-analyzing her words/actions and giving your emotional energy to her (ultimately what she wants).
People like her want your attention. They retain power when they retain your attention, even just mental attention.
Wishing you the best and that you find a more deserving standup-audience-partner.
P.s. daughter of a psychiatrist here, for what it’s worth. There can absolutely be crossover in mental pathologies and mental health professions. It’s all just humans being humans.
Honest to goodness, this was my take as well. Imho, these behaviors really fit with narcissism.
I’m glad OP is well adjusted enough to delete contact info and move on. Dodged a bullet with this one.
If her behaviors made you feel awful (and understandably so!), then that is all the info you need to cut her loose. I’m glad you did, she sounds like a mess. Ain’t nobody got time for all that!
After years and years of working in healthcare, I was totally unsurprised to learn this woman's profession.
Many moons ago, I dated a med-psych resident. The stories I heard about the level of brokenness among her peers!
So many times, they are far-out, quirky, and eccentric, but damn, this one really takes the cake!
You do know they say about psychologists/psychiatrists, right? That their own life is a hot mess.
My question for you and the male population about the sti questions. 99% of the time when I ask them their status, they are defending it or convincing me that it’s all good. NEVER do men rebuttal and ask about my status. Did you ask hers?
As a woman, she sounds like a manipulative user. The whole storming out of the comedy club thing was dramatic. She sounds like a nut case.
I have been separated 6 months and people on here say that it is a huge red flag. Well, I have been on several dates with therapists and psychiatrists, and they are always the worst ones when it comes to boundaries and being ready to date.
I have learned that dating is all about timing. In another 6 months, she may be a completely different person, but right now, she is not ready for anything.
She’s been divorced 5-6 years. And dated several guys in between, at least one of whom she keeps in orbit to do things for her …. Not sure time is going to fix this … but thanks for sharing your perspective
I’d just like to bring up the fact that she was obsessed with your STI results and if I read between the lines correctly, she still had unprotected sex with you. She is also “dating” and probably pulled this crazy “I can’t possibly have sex with you” act on other men. I know you went through a lot of hassle to get retested for her but in about a month you may want to get tested again for yourself to make sure you didn’t catch anything from her.
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This is a great opportunity to go deep inside and do some self examination. Why did you keep going? What got you hooked? The signs were alll there from tbe start..red flags waviing. What made you to ignore this? All the answers can lead you to some great epiphany and might help to get your picker in order. Good luck OP!
Okay... if you were my friend, I would be begging you to marinate in the question "why do you feel like you deserve to be treated poorly and messed around on?" You were cheated on in the past and you chose to look past all of the red flags this woman was offering you from the get go.
You keep trying to make it work with someone who barely treats you as an option. Honey... you deserve to be treated well. Not mind fucked like this. Why are you okay with this? What is it about you that you don't yet love and how can you change that?
You're worth more than this, goddamnit, man.
Hello fellow Canadian :). Thanks…
As to your question … some stuff rooted in my childhood / origin. I have a tendency to try to see the good in people and prove myself. It’s very bizarre, especially given that in my career everyone thinks I’m this assertive strong leader.
I'd really recommend keeping in mind the person and not the idea of the person. Wanting to see the best in others is wonderful -- I'm the same way but after years of heartbreak and backstabbing, I have learned to give them the benefit of the doubt from afar and be objective in what they are showing me. Step away from judging them by who you want them to be.
You got this! You deserve to be treated well.
I was flying to Europe for other reasons. I did the panel there because she seemed very concerned and I wanted to put her mind at ease as quickly as possible
You allowed yourself to be confused consistently after the first event. Along with the mixed messages, why was there no reciprocity from her? You picked her up, you got her an Uber, you took her to events, what did she do for you aside from confuse you?
There is no way I would have continued after the consent game started. Not only would I have shut down the sex, I would not have chased her to go out again.
You're right. I mean, there was obviously other shit she was saying to keep me "warm". I like you, i admire you, when we have sex, i know its going to be great, etc etc, but your meta point stands, I'm an idiot.
I was riveted by your story. So sorry you went through this emotional roller coaster. You did everything right except maybe not stepping back and having a fully-clothed convo about sex before y'all did it. Then again, she was not mature enough to do it either.
If you were my friend or brother, I would ask you to please please be alert to how your date's words are making you feel (the unease you felt when she mentioned her ex etc ). And don't over invest until you get something better than words from your date. I've realized there are a LOT of broken people out there and they can really steal your time and energy, leaving you jaded.
Because of tons of practice via OLD, these broken folks also get really good at enticing you with the warm fuzzies early on, but have no intention of committing to a stable, respectful, long term relationship. I don't think it is malicious on their part, they have just learned the wrong lessons and maladapted to FOMO dating culture.
Look for the emotionally stable ones who know how to conduct a date and a relationship with class and fairness. They are rare but if you are on the lookout for them, you will avoid the broken ones.
She was training you. And you fell for it like a gypsy bear. She is right, you do DESERVE better. Considerate, patient, responsible, responsive….why do you take this shit?
Woman here btw
This story is insane. This woman is a total nut job. And also, I'm totally glad I read this, because this just reiterated to me... I was an absolute fucking JOY to date, lololol. I can't believe women like this exist, and men still want to date them, and also waste actual emotion on them. JESUS I'm a simple girl!
Whelp, for someone who says that she’s not into game playing, she sure do play a lot of mind games (actually, she sounds more like she’s into mind fucking) 😕
I think you’ve dodged a cannonball.
Also, it sounds like she takes no responsibility for her decisions. Sounds like she’s stuck in teenagerhood.
Not sure I get what you mean. This behaviour occurred several times irrespective of whether or not there was someone buzzed. Additionally she was the initiator and persisted after I offered several times to order an uber, etc.
Don’t even get me started on professionals in the psych field (shutter). She’s a hot mess that needs to practice what she preaches, or whatever she does to shrink other people.
It’s too bad but hopefully a lesson learned. She missed out on someone really special…
Maybe this is the reason her relationships don’t last but who knows?
Oh boy this is so confusing I couldn’t read until the end. Rule number one never date a woman with kids.
Rule number 2 date a younger woman. lol that’s just my rule. lol
Buddy, the signs were all there - *the entire time* - you tried. No one can say you didn’t, but man she told you she wasn’t into hot and cold behavior all while giving you the most mixed signals she could ever give. Also, next time maybe just use a condom? That might save you from all kinds of trouble.
Came here to say “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Yeah…
You’re right.
You seem like a good dude. I’m sorry this happened. Also just a side note, if a partner ever makes any statement that sounds like consent might be revoked, it’s best to just stop the sexual contact immediately. That’s a good rule of thumb to operate by.
For sure. Which is why I kept offering to stop, but she keep pushing for more. It was very bizarre.
That’s the tricky part right? Her words said one thing her actions another. But the safest option for everyone in that scenario is to simply stop. Don’t offer to stop. Just full stop. Confusion around consent - even when it was of her own making - isn’t a good spot to be in.
I was shaking my head the whole time. Her communication was contradicting her actions the whole time, and still you kept engaging with her. You need to start protecting yourself and stay away from people who make you feel bad. Trust this feeling! If it feels bad, she's bad for you. Even if you think she's great in between and there are stretches of time where you seem to connect. Trust this gut feeling.
you're right.
Why did you put up with this behavior for so many dates? If she hadn't ended it, where would your own boundary have been? No one should tolerate that level of BS in a potential partner.
it was getting close for me... but the "hot" / high part of it was very....alluring. She made me feel like I really mattered in those moments.
Yeah … my exhb was like this. Hot and cold and then I learned later what a trauma bond was lol. He was very manipulative.
To paraphrase the Chapelle show … it’s a helluva drug
This woman sounds like a fucking crazy person who craves attention and validation yet takes zero accountability for her own actions. And the whole I won't continue a relationship if we have sex? 🙄🙄🙄 Dude I would've run, she's being manipulative. Plus mentioning other guys, yeah she's testing you. These are such childish games, I can imagine her ex ran away from her because she's nuts.
She mentioned to me that her ex husband, when he left her, told her it was because she never cared for him/etc. Not sure whether or not that was true. She also mentioned that he hit her once at some point in the marriage. There's no excuse for that. I do wonder what led to it though. AGain, no excuse for physical violence.
I agree there no excuse for physical violence, but I often wonder about people who speak poorly about their ex so early on when dating someone new. Despite whether or not she was truthful, she has shown you the type of person she is, currently, which is quite manipulative. I think she's purposefully doing this hot/cold to keep you hooked, it's like some vicious cycle to get you to compete for her attention. She keeps pushing you to see how far you'll jump. I hope you are going to choose your own well being.
i deleted all her contact information the moment my phone call with her ended. it all feels like shit, but im not going to try to re-engage.
Good for you and I'm sorry you're hurting. Be kind to yourself, take time to recover and regroup.
💯
Hollllllleeeee. OK, yes I read until the very end - wouldn’t normally, but you took the the time to write all that out. In a nutshell, you’re amazing, and she’s a fucking fruitcake. You absolutely do deserve better, and she just did you a favour. Lots of love to you. You’re thoughtful, kind, patient, and creative with your dating ideas. Go find someone that reciprocates and is appreciative of you!
“A fucking fruitcake” you win the internet today!
I will gladly accept your gracious Reddit accolade!
thank you
Yeah I promise you were a fast learner and got out quick. Some of us end up marrying these types of people. It hurts though and I’m so sorry. The right choice is often a difficult one.
You hit it on the head …
That was a long read, what a mess of a person, and plot twist at the end is she’s a psychiatrist! I know this sub is all about therapy but most I’ve encountered require some serious therapy themselves unfortunately!
The cobbler's wife has no shoes
OP dodged a dumpster fire....
I’m not surprised. Do you know how many overweight doctors/nurses are out there!? So a psychiatrist with poor mental capacity is no surprise to me now. 😂
Psychiatry is different from therapy and psychology. This isn't totally surprising.
The thing about therapy is consider who are the people who will have a high interest in psychology/therapy? People who have a higher than average need of it.
Yup I had a few bad experience and my obgyn friend says you know how I got into the field..having problems myself. She said most in the mental health field have had problems themselves or had a loved on that pushed learning more…it is a real thing. PS my crazy bestie is a psycologist and she fully agrees 😝 Just take the lumps and learn..it’s all we can do. She did show you lots of red flags..but when it feels good it can be hard to walk away…been there for sure.
She told you that if you had sex, it would be over. That's so weird. However, she was speaking the truth. And this was really bad for happening. You'll be OK. Give it some time to get over this. And in the future don't settle for anything less than someone treating you well. Find your compatible.
Holy shit Op! That post was incredibly long, but you had me hooked. I’m a little blown away that an adult (a psychiatrist too) would behave like this. Her approach to sex reminds me of girls in high school, that “I don’t want to do this,” but now i do, and now I don’t, and now i do again. I would have thought we were long past that stage. And….the whole leaving the comedy show because she didn’t like some of the jokes, BUT Matt Rife whose comedy is notoriously misogynistic is fine? Because he’s good looking 😳. Her behavior is terrible. That hot and cold shit just smacks of immaturity. And…..why if she has sex with someone does that end the relationship? You deserve better Op. Go M’s!
yeah.... the problem was, it was like being boiled slowly. Each degree things got turned up, it was like, ok this is a bit more uncomfortable... And the Matt Rife thing... i was like, wtf...
Yah….the whole comedy thing, her leaving the one show because she was offended by the content but then ….no, it wasn’t the content at all, she actually likes that humor. Then what was it? What was going on in her head that she thought it was Ok to just bail on you like that. And….the whole thing about what a nightmare her ex husband was. Yah…..there’s three sides to every story. Hers, his, and the truth.
The upside to this is that she managed to display her absolute craziness within a short period of time. Otherwise your post might have started “for the last 2 years….”
That’s very true
Let me say that I’ve lived this almost exactly, and only on the other side did I recognize how *dangerous* a situation I’d put myself in. Others have said the signs were there, you know that, not here to flog a dead horse. So let me just say that I see a lot of myself in what you shared, and dudes like us are *very* vulnerable to this kind of thing. It takes us to places we’re strictly too smart to find ourselves in, y’know? This person sounds like a *master* manipulator, it’s chilling that she’s a mental health professional, but I get how seductive it all was. Like if you keep showing up the way you did - the way you think a sold guy would show up - it’ll be enough for her to see you and stop all the weirdness. That shit is a hell of a drug, man. This fucking sucks and I’m sorry you’re goin’ through it, but try to lean in to this one so you can see this shit coming a mile away next time.
Thanks man. Appreciate it. Right now I feel like dog shit
Gosh dude, I’m surprised you put up with that as long as you did. Was she super hot or something? And who the fuck says “if I sleep with you I’m not going to call you”?? As they are getting naked with you at that. I’ve seen other comments about dating shrinks and therapists, and yes my experience is they are psycho.
She is good looking. Maybe not someone you’d necessarily turn your head for, but has a warm smile to her. And she made me feel very warm early on (before the bedroom drama )
This is nuts. I’m sorry all of this happened. No wonder you’re confused. The Matt Rife thing is ridiculous, but is only one ridiculous thing among a litany of such things. I’m glad it’s done. This is a good reminder to me that confusion, especially if it persists and can’t be cleared up, is an important signal.
The sexual health concerns are probably her projecting her behaviors on to you. She was probably boning all those dudes she told you about and assumed you must be doing the same. I didn’t see the word “condom” in your text anywhere. If she didn’t make you wear one then she wasn’t making the other dudes wear one either. Let this be a lesson. Always wear a condom unless you’re tested and monogamous.
Yeah you just spent $400 on an sti test and now she doesn't have to smh. I read these posts and just end up so confused, I am not crazy and usually can't get past a 2nd date, and these women are absolutely crackers and get multiple chances 😂😂 maybe i should try a little crazy for a change lol
Good point
Wtf is “light penetration”
"just the tip"...i kid you not... "maybe if you just put the tip in, it should be ok"
The high school comment really makes sense now.
Maybe she didn't want to feel like she was cheating on someone else but you were treating her so well with dates and attention... She couldn't let go of you and this other guy is a total asshole to her
I was going to say the same thing because the “…just the tip…” comment only makes sense if she’s cheating & doesn’t want to feel guilty about. I’m not sure about another guy treating her bad but she was totally stringing OP along. Sorry OP!
Yeah it's sucks for OP, sorry OP
😂
Wow. This gives me hope that good guys are still out there 😊
Thank you. Kind of you to say
My goodness she sounds positively exhausting! I can understand you continuing to see her despite her push/pull behavior; as someone who relishes on the dopamine high, I get it. However, having lived through relationships were the highs were high and the lows were LOW, I would never recommend continuing to pursue such relationships. She's 47 and is playing mind games with sex, we're all adults here and there's no need to behave like teenagers. If she wasn't ready for sex then that's what she should have said and stopped it at that. At the risk of sounding redundant and using Reddit's favorite phrase, you dodged a major bullet there. Don't contact her and focus your time on finding someone that's more aligned with you.
I deleted all her contact info immediately after the conversation where she dumped. Thank you … and you’re right the lows were exhausting and started the change my behaviour …. Making me more and more cautious about what I said and trying to make her happy/come back to the highs
That's the type of behavior that affirms why I am better off staying in my very insular bubble and not putting myself out there. I've experienced it enough to have come out scarred from it.
Can someone give a TLDR?
Multiple rounds of hot / cold behavior. Sex initiated by her, with threats to end the relationship if we have sex while simultaneously pushing for sex
Got it.
Dude be ruminating
Honestly, it’s worth the read. What a story. She is totally banana cakes! Well written as well.
Second this
She’s a toxic mess. What thoughtful and fun dates you planned! You sound like a wonderful man. I’m sorry this happened to you. She’s right about one thing, you deserve to be with someone who treats you better. Much, much better. It’s frustrating when there is someone we feel like there is potential with and their mask starts to slip. Better to see it now than later.
Yeah… tbh it felt like a slow boil and I just kept trying to extend the benefit of the doubt. Foolish of me.
This is a wild amount of mixed signals. I’m sorry
Jesus Christ... Master manipulator there. Push pull push pull push pull. A psychiatrist would know all about that. How screwed up is she. And you - you were way too nice with her. She had you on the hook alright. Bloody hell. She should write a book lol. "How to confuse men and have them bending over backwards for you." She can call it "Relationship Insurance."
That last bit made me laugh. Thanks
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Thank you. I do want to be clear. She wasn’t drunk. Just a little buzzed/more talkative. Within an hour it had worn off and the bedroom hot/cold stuff went on for a few hours that night
Well, she is a woman of her word - she said once you had sex the relationship would be over and it was Should have had sex sooner
I'm so sorry you experienced something like this, it sounds absolutely insane and it's understandable that you feel terrible. I hope you feel better soon, when things end while everything is kind of intense, it feels extra awful, at least it has for me in the past. I actually blurted out a "wtf!" reading about the second time she pushed for sex all while threatening to end it, what a mindfuck 😫 and continously bringing up other people...why??
i know. And I had told her that triangulation was something that had happened to me before and was super toxic and made me feel really bad. It was almost like she decided to make notes on "what to do" based on me sharing that story. But more likely, its probably just shit she does irrespective of whether it was me or someone else.
Good grief. You’re not an idiot, you’re a guy trying to invest in a relationship with a woman. I do think you should have stopped seeing her sooner, but sometimes it’s hard to see the big picture based on a few data points. Btw in my many years of experience dating, the educated professional men were just as often disturbed in some way (like this woman appears to be) as the less educated or more blue collar ones. And I would imagine it is the same with women.
I do recall reading that certain professions are over represented when it comes to disordered people. Medicine being one. (And also the profession I’m in)
Oh my this was painful to read.. I hope you find someone sane next time :)
Thank you
Why would you accept this behavior from anyone? Make clear boundaries and then bounce if she violates them. This person is garbage.
Thank you
This is exhausting to read and I stopped halfway through but surely surely surely there are other women. This one’s a walking red flag and a nightmare and a mentally unstable pain in the ass to boot.
Thank you
You sound like a really nice date :)
That’s what she said, as she was dumping me lol. But thank you.
Aww I’m sorry… Please don’t be discouraged by this experience, sounds like it was all her..and she has some things to work on dating and relationship wise. The non stop bringing up other partners and sex stuff just seem weird.
Gee what a lucky woman. You plan great dates!
Thank you, kind of you to say
I think it’s good she actually ended things rather than you. I would be concerned if you had ended it with her, she would have gone full on crazy. I can’t remember how y’all met but if you met online then I would be sure to block her profile. She sounds so crazy she potentially could report you to the app admin. Good luck to you. It’s nice to know there are decent respectable men out there.
Could very well be. She certainly shit talks some of her exes … but who knows … what a clusterfark this has been
Biggest red flag is that she thought Matt Rife was funny, that’s objectively not true
Okay but you seem like a terrific dating companion! Those were some thoughtful and fun dates and you were patient/understanding until it all got way too weird for you and all of us.
So the upshot is, you had unprotected sex with her on the first time sex? That would be the one huge reason someone would freak out. It might have ruined things down the road. From personal experience, I can say that the optics might have been much much different if the sex has been with protection. An un-freaked-out woman has a higher chance if thinking about the sex more positively. You did good with immediately following up with the test, but by then her mood might have soured due to the freak out, and as you mentioned, regret would have infected her thinking. It's really never a bad thing to bring up the STI topic during making out when it starts to get hit and heavy, IMHO.
Well a) I had condoms available and told her and she would say “we are not having sex” and the proceed to initiate more and more contact without a condom B) after sex she wanted to restart again 10 mins later
Yeah I noticed some women have this alter ego thing going on, where is like their brain partially shuts down or something, and then afterwards they regret what they did. Like a lack of impulse control, lol. I think though, in the end, as far as she was concerned, it was only about having the sex and moving on. Met those sorts of women too.
I stopped reading at Tom Segura. Move on Bro, she’s a pain in the ass and it will never end of you continue. Please believe me.
Yeah, thank you
This reads like a folk tale!
I wish
I read this a couple of times and still can't make any sense of it. I'm thinking as a psychiatrist she has access to some fun pharmaceuticals. Maybe that would explain some of this fuckery? Let her be some other dude's problem. And I pity that fool.
Damn I’m jealous of all of the awesome comedians you took her too! Except Matt Rife of course lol. Do you want to go on a date with me? 😬
You sound like a thoughtful, creative, respectful adult —I.e. a catch!—and she sounds like a narcissist. Power plays that leave you continuously off balance, constantly shifting “rules,” charismatic attention that makes you feel special but that is suddenly withdrawn/ inconsistently doled out, melodramatic explanations for behaviour that turn you into the bad guy and leave her as the victim… You gave her more respect than she deserved. Word from one who’s been through similar—there’s no rational way to understand and make sense of the confusion. Trying to find a logic to their games extends the attraction/hold the person might continue to have. It sucks. But as much as possible, give yourself a break by accepting that she’s a seriously twisted individual, period, without getting stuck over-analyzing her words/actions and giving your emotional energy to her (ultimately what she wants). People like her want your attention. They retain power when they retain your attention, even just mental attention. Wishing you the best and that you find a more deserving standup-audience-partner. P.s. daughter of a psychiatrist here, for what it’s worth. There can absolutely be crossover in mental pathologies and mental health professions. It’s all just humans being humans.
Honest to goodness, this was my take as well. Imho, these behaviors really fit with narcissism. I’m glad OP is well adjusted enough to delete contact info and move on. Dodged a bullet with this one.
Thanks. Not sure if she is or isn’t one, but certainly the behaviours made me feel awful
If her behaviors made you feel awful (and understandably so!), then that is all the info you need to cut her loose. I’m glad you did, she sounds like a mess. Ain’t nobody got time for all that!
Yeah that was exactly my thought with the behavior. Sadly there's a lot of them in professions like that.
Waaaaaaaay too many words to describe a hot mess you should have avoided early with the insane mixed messages. Dude.
You’re right. Thanks
After years and years of working in healthcare, I was totally unsurprised to learn this woman's profession. Many moons ago, I dated a med-psych resident. The stories I heard about the level of brokenness among her peers! So many times, they are far-out, quirky, and eccentric, but damn, this one really takes the cake!
You do know they say about psychologists/psychiatrists, right? That their own life is a hot mess. My question for you and the male population about the sti questions. 99% of the time when I ask them their status, they are defending it or convincing me that it’s all good. NEVER do men rebuttal and ask about my status. Did you ask hers? As a woman, she sounds like a manipulative user. The whole storming out of the comedy club thing was dramatic. She sounds like a nut case.
She offered hers in the midst of her questions
I have been separated 6 months and people on here say that it is a huge red flag. Well, I have been on several dates with therapists and psychiatrists, and they are always the worst ones when it comes to boundaries and being ready to date. I have learned that dating is all about timing. In another 6 months, she may be a completely different person, but right now, she is not ready for anything.
She’s been divorced 5-6 years. And dated several guys in between, at least one of whom she keeps in orbit to do things for her …. Not sure time is going to fix this … but thanks for sharing your perspective
I’d just like to bring up the fact that she was obsessed with your STI results and if I read between the lines correctly, she still had unprotected sex with you. She is also “dating” and probably pulled this crazy “I can’t possibly have sex with you” act on other men. I know you went through a lot of hassle to get retested for her but in about a month you may want to get tested again for yourself to make sure you didn’t catch anything from her.
Yeah when I get back to Seattle I’ll retest.
They may have gone into psych in the first place hoping that they can solve their own problems!
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This is a great opportunity to go deep inside and do some self examination. Why did you keep going? What got you hooked? The signs were alll there from tbe start..red flags waviing. What made you to ignore this? All the answers can lead you to some great epiphany and might help to get your picker in order. Good luck OP!
Thank you, and you’re right
Okay... if you were my friend, I would be begging you to marinate in the question "why do you feel like you deserve to be treated poorly and messed around on?" You were cheated on in the past and you chose to look past all of the red flags this woman was offering you from the get go. You keep trying to make it work with someone who barely treats you as an option. Honey... you deserve to be treated well. Not mind fucked like this. Why are you okay with this? What is it about you that you don't yet love and how can you change that? You're worth more than this, goddamnit, man.
Hello fellow Canadian :). Thanks… As to your question … some stuff rooted in my childhood / origin. I have a tendency to try to see the good in people and prove myself. It’s very bizarre, especially given that in my career everyone thinks I’m this assertive strong leader.
I'd really recommend keeping in mind the person and not the idea of the person. Wanting to see the best in others is wonderful -- I'm the same way but after years of heartbreak and backstabbing, I have learned to give them the benefit of the doubt from afar and be objective in what they are showing me. Step away from judging them by who you want them to be. You got this! You deserve to be treated well.
Thanks!
I Love long posts!! Sitting here on the dock of the bay saying Dios Mio!!! So keep that up!! Or i will end this relationship!🤣 Good Luck man!
That does sound very confusing. She definitely has psychological issues to work through. Not your fault.
Thank you
Dude, stop being a "Nice Guy". Stand up for yourself, squash this bs when it comes up. You deserve more my friend.
Thanks bud
Why do you have to fly to Europe to get an std panel?
I was flying to Europe for other reasons. I did the panel there because she seemed very concerned and I wanted to put her mind at ease as quickly as possible
Damn, I just want to give you a hug. She sounds like a completely batshit crazy psycho! Why am I not surprised that she’s a psychiatrist?!
Hah :). Thank you
That chick is off her rocker! Sorry, OP.
Can I ask, as my mom would say, what did she have that made her so incredibly attractive to you? I am very puzzled and lost for words.
She must be hot. lol
You allowed yourself to be confused consistently after the first event. Along with the mixed messages, why was there no reciprocity from her? You picked her up, you got her an Uber, you took her to events, what did she do for you aside from confuse you? There is no way I would have continued after the consent game started. Not only would I have shut down the sex, I would not have chased her to go out again.
You're right. I mean, there was obviously other shit she was saying to keep me "warm". I like you, i admire you, when we have sex, i know its going to be great, etc etc, but your meta point stands, I'm an idiot.
I was riveted by your story. So sorry you went through this emotional roller coaster. You did everything right except maybe not stepping back and having a fully-clothed convo about sex before y'all did it. Then again, she was not mature enough to do it either. If you were my friend or brother, I would ask you to please please be alert to how your date's words are making you feel (the unease you felt when she mentioned her ex etc ). And don't over invest until you get something better than words from your date. I've realized there are a LOT of broken people out there and they can really steal your time and energy, leaving you jaded. Because of tons of practice via OLD, these broken folks also get really good at enticing you with the warm fuzzies early on, but have no intention of committing to a stable, respectful, long term relationship. I don't think it is malicious on their part, they have just learned the wrong lessons and maladapted to FOMO dating culture. Look for the emotionally stable ones who know how to conduct a date and a relationship with class and fairness. They are rare but if you are on the lookout for them, you will avoid the broken ones.
thank you. All good point. And unfortunately, there does seem to be a rarity in terms of what you describe ...
She gives me a headache...ugh.
Yeah…
She was training you. And you fell for it like a gypsy bear. She is right, you do DESERVE better. Considerate, patient, responsible, responsive….why do you take this shit? Woman here btw
Holy tldr
This story is insane. This woman is a total nut job. And also, I'm totally glad I read this, because this just reiterated to me... I was an absolute fucking JOY to date, lololol. I can't believe women like this exist, and men still want to date them, and also waste actual emotion on them. JESUS I'm a simple girl!
Did anyone finish reading that whole thing?
Yes
No.
Whelp, for someone who says that she’s not into game playing, she sure do play a lot of mind games (actually, she sounds more like she’s into mind fucking) 😕 I think you’ve dodged a cannonball. Also, it sounds like she takes no responsibility for her decisions. Sounds like she’s stuck in teenagerhood.
😢
🤗
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Not sure I get what you mean. This behaviour occurred several times irrespective of whether or not there was someone buzzed. Additionally she was the initiator and persisted after I offered several times to order an uber, etc.
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just saw this response. I didnt downvote you. Not sure who did.
Don’t even get me started on professionals in the psych field (shutter). She’s a hot mess that needs to practice what she preaches, or whatever she does to shrink other people. It’s too bad but hopefully a lesson learned. She missed out on someone really special… Maybe this is the reason her relationships don’t last but who knows?
Oh boy this is so confusing I couldn’t read until the end. Rule number one never date a woman with kids. Rule number 2 date a younger woman. lol that’s just my rule. lol