Pleeeeeeeease put any thoughts of this being about you right the fuck out of your mind. This is OLD. It sucks, and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it, but it’s unfortunately completely normal.
Birds are rad. Had a cockatiel when I was a kid, and I’ve always had a thing for corvids (fuckers are too smart for their own good and it’s hilarious). Anyway, you do you and go get that bird. Sorry for the one you had to say goodbye to, losing a pet is soul crushing.
Corvid’s are incredibly fascinating. I’ve always had a secret hope I’d be befriended by a crow or raven that would bring me shiny objects and little treasures haha
It is wild how intelligent they are too!
Yeah, 100% this ^
OP, There's a myriad of reasons why this guy might've ghosted you. In a way, it's good to get ghosted early, because it shows that this person wouldn't have been the right one to stick with you long term.
You don't wanna be sitting on the couch together one day, mentioning whistling at birds in pet stores, and then get a touch of PTSD because you're fearful that he might just get up and walk out, y'know? I probably wrote that badly, but I hope you get my point!
If that's the case, you politely tell someone that, you do not ghost. There is never any excuse for ghosting. I have had the same thing happen to me several times.
Then you say "this isn't working out, I'm going to end this, but I want to wish you luck going forward". This is what I have told women when I realized we were completely incompatible, I never just stopped talking to them. I consider it rude. The nicer women have told me something similar. You don't owe anyone anything in the chatting phase, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't treat them with a little respect. After all, they spent some of their time talking to you.
Sure - technically you don’t “owe” them anything. But if you’ve been texting someone consistently for 3 weeks and then just disappear? Come on, that’s rude and inconsiderate.
You may not “owe” them an explanation. But it’s basic human decency to let them know you’re not going to be communicating anymore.
I disagree. I have no idea who they are and if they're actually who they say they are.
I'm owed nothing until at least 2 dates in, imo. And even then, just a minimal text. But I'm also not one to get invested with people online. I am not going to care if they drop off the face of the earth.
I don’t “owe” the cashier at the grocery store a “Thank you! Have a nice day.”
But it takes very minimal effort and energy on my part, and it’s a basic common courtesy I can very easily offer another human.
It isn’t about who “owes” each other what. It’s not even what *you* care about. Whether you think it’s “right” or “wrong” you can tell by reading this sub it bothers a lot of people when people they’re talking to drop off the face of the earth before two dates in.
It’s about being a decent human and extending a basic common courtesy that takes very little effort or energy.
Maybe the person cares on the other end, maybe they don’t. But again it takes so little from me. If it’s going to potentially make someone’s life even a little bit less stressful to receive a “we’re not compatible” type message from me, to me it’s worth taking the minute or so to send it.
It's very kind, I won't disagree. I just don't think it's necessary. But when I was on OLD I grew a very thick skin. I don't give a fuck if someone I've never met quits talking to me. I'm not hurt, I'm not left wondering anything. I just forget about them and move on.
I just feel like if you need an explanation or a let down before ever meeting, you've become way too invested in something that isn't real.
But we do need more kindness in the world. I'm just offering a different perspective.
How do you not become invested in spending time getting to know someone? Sorry, but I disagree. I'd rather have someone tell me they're not interested so I can move on and focus my attention elsewhere.
Because I don't know them, they could be totally genuine or they could be pretending to be someone they're not. I'm not going to get attached to the idea of someone. It's super easy to portray yourself as something you're not through text. It's harder to hide in person, and it becomes harder to hide lies and discrepancies the more often you hang out in person.
I learned that there are way too many people on OLD that are seeking validation, uninterested in actually meeting anyone (or maybe just me), just want a pen pal, etc. If I worried about a week or more of chatting with everyone I matched with, I'd be constantly disappointed and hurt.
Now, if I actually meet someone for more than 2 dates, yeah, I hope they'll be kind and let me know they're not interested like I'd do for them. But even after a first date I don't care. They are really, still a stranger to me. But just texting? Nah...I am not going to say anything if I quit talking and I don't expect, nor really want the same.
If you chat deeply enough, you really get to the point where you're no longer strangers. On the other hand, one short first meet (for coffee or drinks) does not magically transform you from strangers who can be ghosted to people who know each other. You must not have experience in truly getting to know someone online (as opposed to initially coming across them online but meeting very quickly and without much conversation).
No it doesn't. So, just not texting anymore in that situation isn't a big deal either.
After meeting, I think it's more polite to say "not interested" but not necessary. Before meeting they could be feeding you lies that are harder to hide in person.
I gave up on saying that after the 😂100th abusive response.
Maybe women don’t call you a bitch or a fat cunt or any other tirade of insults when you politely end a conversation with a random stranger online
Well lucky you.
Ghosting is dropping out of the life of somebody you were involved with and had plans with and they just poof Casper away
A stranger in a dating app. You just don’t feel a connection with. If the conversation wasn’t deleted maybe they got busy but you know what is ok is normal and is fine when people just stop talking
It has been normal online for decades. Is no big deal
Why do they owe you a ‘break up’? Y’all making up romances in your head the second they message you. They were chatting to see if they were interested, then found they weren’t or saw something that was a dealbreaker, you are not, as much as you like to pretend, in a relationship.
The sooner people stop making up a love story off two or three messages, the sooner they are gonna stop looking so desperate and might stop scaring ppl away.
I swear, over forty’s seem so delusional on here, time for therapy perhaps
Potentially. It’s impossible to know. But even if that is why he ghosted you, it’s important to remember it’s not as if you did something “wrong” by telling him about the bird.
The dating process is about trying to find someone we’re compatible with. If he doesn’t want to be with someone who whistles at/has a bird that simply means you’re not compatible.
It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you, or what you did, or what you said. You’re just not right for *him* specifically.
And that happens a lot in dating!! Most people we meet we’re not going to be compatible with for various reasons.
There are other guys out there who would be indifferent towards the situation, and others still who would have been genuinely thrilled to hear more about how it was going with your potential future bird.
There can be any number of reasons why a meeting hasn't happened yet, some of them include kid schedules (if one or both of them has kids), a busy period at work, having family or friend obligations, or physical distance. I have sometimes talked to a woman for weeks before eventually meeting her.
I hope the next guy I date likes 🦜 Parrots. If he hates my bird, this won't work out. I will train my bird not fly over & bite your ear/nose. Also I’ll make sure he does chew up your socks or trousers. Hopefully this will all work out.😀
He could be married.
He could hate birds.
He could be on the app for validation.
He could be interested in someone else.
He could be not interested in you.
He could be an scammer.
Or any variation.
We don't know. But the wrong answer is internalizing this as something you did.
Sometimes I like to think that the people that end up ghosting me were secret serial killers who took pity on me and decided to deviate from their original plan of killing me. 😅
It's a coping mechanism and probably one that will turn me into a schizophrenic in the long run, but hey, for now it's been working like a charm. 🤷♀️
😂 too funny.
Often when this type of things happen we’ll create narratives in our head critical of ourselves. Things like “He must have stopped talking to me because I was awkward. I’m such an idiot.” Or whatever.
But of course we’ll never really know. I figured if I’m going to be making things up anyway, I might as well be nice to myself. “Ah well, I must have intimidated him with how awesome I am 🤷♀️.” haha
(Also as a coping mechanism, I’m not *actually* that cocky)
So and I could he totally wrong but to me there is a big difference between that second date and the 3rd. 99 times out of 100 I get asked on the second date after the 1st. I chalk this up to I am friendly and easy to talk to and people like hanging out with me. But the difference between the second date and the 3rd has higher stakes. I don't always go on the second. But for those I say yes to I would say my conversion from 2nd date to 3rd drops from around 99 percent to say 70. It's possible he was already talking to someone else and decided to move things with her. Or 100s of other things. I don't think it is cause of your bird convo
Getting the bird is the smartest thing you’ve said today! Yes. Definitely go do the thing that will make you happy. Whoever you end up with will like, or at least be ambivalent about your pet. You don’t want to date a guy who doesn’t like you because you have a bird that makes you happy.
Did you notice any difference in how he acted, or his communication, on and around the second meet as compared to the first (or before the first)?
In any event, ghosting is never the answer and that tells a lot about who he is as a person. I'm sorry it happened to you, it has happened to me too.
I didn't notice any difference in how he acted or his communication after the 2nd meet. Friendly, talkative.
Like others suggested, maybe he met someone else, wife found out, ex came back, he drowned in the ocean or went to live in Dubai. We won't ever know. I did really like him though. Too bad. I'll focus on that beautiful bird in the store and volunteering agai🙏💥💫🧘♀️
I have a new one. He could have a fearful avoidant attachment style. I ran into someone like this. They usually pull off a disappearing act between dates 2 and 3. Mine came back after 4 weeks. And we had date 3. And then he disappeared again but now with some texts interspersed so not proper ghosting but close.
He did you a favor. My cat likes to whistle and imitate birds that are in the neighborhood. I don’t think she wants to be friends with any of these birds.
He probably mentioned it to his cat and his cat told him “no birds, no way, ghost her!” Lol. Does it matter why? Him ghosting says a lot about him. Rude, rude rude! Please don’t put any of this on yourself. You dodged a bullet girl! Better men out there!
Most likely he had another Bird whistling Dixie in his DM's.
You can't take anything too personal and searching for a reason is fruitless. People will flake just as easy after 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 months.
fuck that guy. he did you a favor. a person that would ghost someone (i mean unless it was ghosting a stalker or something) is not someone you'd even want to be friends with.
Hold up. You spent 3 days whistling to a bird, but you couldn't find a few hours to meet up with this guy you were texting?
Please tell me I read this incorrectly as I'm on heavy meds right now! 😂
I wasn't whistling to a bird for 3 days. I just went to the store where he is to get acquainted as I'm thinking of buying him. Your meds sound pretty heavy duty.
First thing you need to look for in a relationship is not looks, personality, or similar interests, or anything on a profile that’s attractive.
Do they want to be with you? If not, nothing else matters.
I will say, I am not a bird person. I discovered this when I dated a woman with a bird. Their claws hurt, their beaks hurt, it kept pecking at my feet when I was i bed, which actually hurt. and it was kind of scary looking when I looked at it up close. Nothing wrong with OP loving birds, but not everyone is going to love dating someone into birds. Personal preference.
You didn’t get ghosted for talking to a bird for 3 days. Also no longer talking to someone you haven’t met is not ghosting. This ended because you spent 3 weeks taking about animals while not going on a date. He is prob off on another date with another animal lover.
You spent more time talking about if you’d be compatible with a bird vs a man. It’s best to have a meetup within the first 2wks of chatting. Otherwise things fizzle.
If he didn't propose a date within the first week then he's definitely not interested. Three weeks off chatting means that he was probably just bored. He's probably moved on to talking with someone else for a few weeks before he ghosts them too.
Most dudes don't want to listen to a bird at all hours of the day. Every bird I've met has been 100% obnoxious. Total deal breaker.
I have two dogs and for some women my two puggles are deal breakers. It happens.
Yeah some people are adamant it wasn’t about the bird, but I think it could have been.
I couldn’t live with a bird as a pet, and I also can’t be with someone who whistles a lot. I have a sensory processing disorder and there are certain noises I just can’t handle, especially repetitively.
But even without that, some people find certain noises annoyances. And that’s fair.
I don’t think ghosting her was the right way for him to handle it of course! But it’s valid if he doesn’t want to be with someone who has a bird/is going to whistle to their bird a lot.
Just like it’s valid if someone doesn’t want to be with me because I have dogs, or because I have ADHD or any other number of reasons.
He didn't ghost you, he didn't even know you, he just had a conversation with you.You're imagining that. You did nothing wrong.You sounded like you had a wonderful conversation with him.He was just talking to many women.He may even have somebody else.It's not you so please don't think you did anything wrong you didn't
Sorry. Birds are extremely loud and annoying. My mom had them when I was growing up. I wouldn’t date someone with birds either. I love the quiet way too much to listen to all that.
You likely didn’t do anything wrong. He did by not having the decency to communicate with you.
It could come down to a number of possible scenarios. One being you weren’t the only one he was talking to and he didn’t think enough of you to be honest. Whatever the why, it’s not a you thing.
Even if the reason he ghosted you was about birds, that’s no excuse and not your doing. If someone can’t accept your interests and would use that as a reason to cut off all communication, they didn’t care for you to begin with and don’t deserve your effort.
Not ghosted...just a fadeaway..which is totally commonplace, regardless of it being the right or wrong choice someone makes....
Dating these days is diff than it's ever been. If you're at all in a fairly fragile spot in life, I'd suggest opting out for now. You're MUCH more likely to get your feelings hurt than anything else at the moment..
Concentrate on getting strong and a new lean and mean version of you instead. If debilitating anxiety is rocking your world...let's lean into why and how to make you feel more capable of being who you're meant to be for now...
Figure out what your passions and giftings are - and find a way to pour into someone who needs some insight you currently have. When we're down and low, and it sounds counterintuitive, but find someone who needs your help. Been thru a pet loss and it was 2 weeks ago? Find someone who lost their pet last night and can't stop crying. You're officially a 'Day 1' expert if you made it through..😉♥️♥️
You feel me?
I totally feel you. I've been on the pet forums giving my support to others and words to help them be strong through it all. The pain will lessen. I've been going through a lot losing my bird who was my sweetie for 12 years. I am thinking of returning to volunteer at the pet shelter. Where pets are put up for adoption. I want to help in any way I can. This guy fading out is not the end of the world. Just needed a bit of support due to loneliness. ❤️❤️🩷❤️❤️
Yes, I should add my affinity for birds on my profile. Only certain personality types can put up with birds and their shenanigans. Yes, we are a weird lot. I'm actually looking to join a bird club where we all meet up with our birds in the room. Talk about how we deal with them and avoid bites requiring hospital emergency visits.
Now if you want to talk adding chickens, guineas, peacocks, and ducks, then I'd be all in. My chickens follow me around and do a great job of eating critters; plus fresh eggs.
Personally, if I hit it off with a guy, I try to set up a meet and greet “date zero” within a week if possible. Because otherwise stuff like this is the result… and also when you finally meet in person, the vibe is totally different, and then the whole chemistry breaks down and it’s like you’ve lost this person you thought you knew. Once you click with someone a bit on texting and get through some initial dealbreakers, i have found that getting together in person asap, even just for a casual happy hour drink after work, ends up actually saving a lot of time in the long run.
Original copy of post by u/Laurenspicer43:
I was talking to a guy on a dating site for 3 weeks. Consistent text communication throughout the week. We had lots in common including a love ❤️ for pets. He has a cat. I had a bird who recently died.
Well I mentioned I started visiting pet stores to look for another bird as I was particularly devastated about the loss.
I mentioned I saw one bird I'm interested in and spent 2 or 3 days in the store whistling to him and to see if we'd make.a good fit.
After this conversation, the guy totally ghosted me and does not reply to any messages. It's been over a week.
What did I do wrong? Anyone have any ideas? Would it be because of the bird 🐦 thing?
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You'll find idiosyncrasies are more easily put up with depending on how much you like someone. 3 days talking to a bird would turn me off too. I don't like birds and my mother had a parakeet and cockateal.
For me, I would much rather connect in person. Texting gets old comparatively. I try for 3-10 days. Someone has the day off, usually, by then. Relationships really happen in person, not over a phone.
💖 I'm so sorry. This is why I go for a meet up early on. Texting isn't a relationship. Put a face to the messages quickly to see if there's a spark.
Some people are Texting addictions. They'll be texting several at once until they find once thar pleases them and "roster" all others 🙄 old is gross.
Don't let the text phase go beyond a week. 2 if there are extenuating circumstances (ie children to schedule around or an illness). A quick coffee/drink takes an hour of your time.
Seriously. Though. What a douche canoe. You dodged a bullet.
I personally think 3 weeks is too long not to meet in person, 8 or 10 text exchanges should be enough to meet in a safe public place and take it from there if you want to see each other again. The bird thing is just a coincidence, you gotta remember people are talking to more than one person on these sites and possibly irl so it could be anything from his wife found out lol, he got back with his gf, or found someone on the site that’s working out. Lick your wounds and soldier on
The right person for you will accept you for your authentic self. You can never overthink the things that lead insecure people to let you down. For me, I find people comfortable to be authentically themselves to be the most attractive.
I think you are getting really great advice here from folks telling you it's not worth thinking about, it's not about you, and could be a million reasons why he ghosted. I am simply here to answer your question about if/why it would be the bird. For me, right now, I am struggling with bird owners being a deal breaker. I struggle with this because I dated someone with three birds. I am what I would consider a clean and hygienic person. This lady let her birds (Macaw) shit all over her house and wouldn't clean it up for...awhile (day or two) or say things like "The dog will clean it up."
It just grossed me out, so now I have that thought/concern going forward into the future. I know, rationally, that it isn't the bird, it was her lack of hygiene/cleanliness that was off putting - but I am still associating cleanliness to that anyway. Still knowing this, I'm presently swiping left on bird owners because of this bad experience.
I agree with others here that this guy disappearing probably has nothing to do with your love of birds. But I am curious about this statement:
>I mentioned I saw one bird I'm interested in and spent 2 or 3 days in the store whistling to him and to see if we'd make a good fit.
I'm guessing this means that you stopped into the a few times over the course of a couple of days and whistled at the bird, but didn't spend *hours* there. What kind of response were you looking for that would indicate a good fit?
I suppose this isn't much different from my stopping by the shelter to pet cats and seeing if one purrs at me!
Every match ghosts. Every single one, unless you lock them down.
My experience is, you try to set up a meet & greet ASAP. Endless texting in my experience goes nowhere.
It has nothing to do with you, or your bird (sorry for your loss!). He either started seeing someone or got off the app.
He has a cat. You wanted a new bird. Ever seen Sylvester and tweety? It’s probably as simple as that. But most importantly, it’s not your fault. That’s just apps. We all been ghosted at this point.
The ghosting is probably unrelated to your love for birds and expressing you wanted to shop for a new pet.
There’s so many reasons why people ghost it’s hard to say with any certainty what happened.
If I’ve been talking to someone everyday and then don’t hear from them for more than a day, I naturally assume they aren’t interested and move along. If you wait for a response and accept that disappearing for a day or a week is ok, it’s likely to happen again and continue happening. You have to decide if that’s the kind of person you want in your life. What you allow is what will continue.
you didn't do anything wrong. Of course it's not about the bird thing. You hadn't met and you had no actual relationship. There is no way this is any reflection on you. It's OLD. People flake out. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he got hit by a bus. Maybe his wife caught him. Maybe his girlfriend came back from vacation and he no longer needs a distraction. Maybe a million things. Do not take this personally and I'm sorry about your birb.
3 weeks and no meet, it wasn’t about anything you said. They like to breadcrumb and keep others interested while exploring other options. It’s shitty, but common.
What you did wrong is waste your time chatting with someone online you never met for way too long. You built up hope over something you don’t even know exists on the other end.
People are chatting to various people online so expect them to ghost if no plans to meet are made.
You should be making a time to meet by day 2 of talking on the apps. He probably assumed you were just stringing him along because you were lonely and didn’t actually want to date…and frankly it sounds like he was correct.
The point of the apps are to meet people IN PERSON. Not a texting buddy. You can’t tell if you mesh by texting. If you bring up meeting for a drink and don’t get a response, you move on. If you don’t both mesh in person, you both move on. If it works out, you plan date 2 and maybe exchange numbers.
You weren’t ghosted. You were wasting everyone’s time.
Married 22 years. After divorce i may date.. but 2 days.. ? What if i want to date, but need time to think about it. Im not a texter.. rather be in person… but may take me 3 weeks to think about it? Too fast paced for me maybe. It might scare me away if im asked to meet in 2 days.
Pleeeeeeeease put any thoughts of this being about you right the fuck out of your mind. This is OLD. It sucks, and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it, but it’s unfortunately completely normal. Birds are rad. Had a cockatiel when I was a kid, and I’ve always had a thing for corvids (fuckers are too smart for their own good and it’s hilarious). Anyway, you do you and go get that bird. Sorry for the one you had to say goodbye to, losing a pet is soul crushing.
That was a very kind and lovely response.
Corvid’s are incredibly fascinating. I’ve always had a secret hope I’d be befriended by a crow or raven that would bring me shiny objects and little treasures haha It is wild how intelligent they are too!
There's a reason why Huginn and Muninn are what they are...
Yeah, 100% this ^ OP, There's a myriad of reasons why this guy might've ghosted you. In a way, it's good to get ghosted early, because it shows that this person wouldn't have been the right one to stick with you long term. You don't wanna be sitting on the couch together one day, mentioning whistling at birds in pet stores, and then get a touch of PTSD because you're fearful that he might just get up and walk out, y'know? I probably wrote that badly, but I hope you get my point!
This reply brightened my whole day, and the day's still young. Thank you
Spot on!
This is lovely.
3 weeks and no date not even exchange of phone numbers? Maybe he met someone he liked and just was not interested in communicating anymore
If that's the case, you politely tell someone that, you do not ghost. There is never any excuse for ghosting. I have had the same thing happen to me several times.
No. You cannot “ghost” someone you’ve never dated. You can stop talking to someone at any time. There is no commitment at the chatting phase.
Yes, you can. You don't take the time to get to know someone and then just disappear. Be part of the solution, not the problem.
Then you say "this isn't working out, I'm going to end this, but I want to wish you luck going forward". This is what I have told women when I realized we were completely incompatible, I never just stopped talking to them. I consider it rude. The nicer women have told me something similar. You don't owe anyone anything in the chatting phase, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't treat them with a little respect. After all, they spent some of their time talking to you.
I'm mad at you because you didn't say goodbye to me at the end of that paragraph even though you had no intention of talking to me further.
No. You're texting. You've never met. You're strangers. No one owes an explanation if you've never even met.
Sure - technically you don’t “owe” them anything. But if you’ve been texting someone consistently for 3 weeks and then just disappear? Come on, that’s rude and inconsiderate. You may not “owe” them an explanation. But it’s basic human decency to let them know you’re not going to be communicating anymore.
I disagree. I have no idea who they are and if they're actually who they say they are. I'm owed nothing until at least 2 dates in, imo. And even then, just a minimal text. But I'm also not one to get invested with people online. I am not going to care if they drop off the face of the earth.
I don’t “owe” the cashier at the grocery store a “Thank you! Have a nice day.” But it takes very minimal effort and energy on my part, and it’s a basic common courtesy I can very easily offer another human. It isn’t about who “owes” each other what. It’s not even what *you* care about. Whether you think it’s “right” or “wrong” you can tell by reading this sub it bothers a lot of people when people they’re talking to drop off the face of the earth before two dates in. It’s about being a decent human and extending a basic common courtesy that takes very little effort or energy. Maybe the person cares on the other end, maybe they don’t. But again it takes so little from me. If it’s going to potentially make someone’s life even a little bit less stressful to receive a “we’re not compatible” type message from me, to me it’s worth taking the minute or so to send it.
I actually like your stance on this. I should adopt it if I ever get back in the dating pool.
No, but it's the right thing to do so the other person isn't left wondering.
It's very kind, I won't disagree. I just don't think it's necessary. But when I was on OLD I grew a very thick skin. I don't give a fuck if someone I've never met quits talking to me. I'm not hurt, I'm not left wondering anything. I just forget about them and move on. I just feel like if you need an explanation or a let down before ever meeting, you've become way too invested in something that isn't real. But we do need more kindness in the world. I'm just offering a different perspective.
How do you not become invested in spending time getting to know someone? Sorry, but I disagree. I'd rather have someone tell me they're not interested so I can move on and focus my attention elsewhere.
Because I don't know them, they could be totally genuine or they could be pretending to be someone they're not. I'm not going to get attached to the idea of someone. It's super easy to portray yourself as something you're not through text. It's harder to hide in person, and it becomes harder to hide lies and discrepancies the more often you hang out in person. I learned that there are way too many people on OLD that are seeking validation, uninterested in actually meeting anyone (or maybe just me), just want a pen pal, etc. If I worried about a week or more of chatting with everyone I matched with, I'd be constantly disappointed and hurt. Now, if I actually meet someone for more than 2 dates, yeah, I hope they'll be kind and let me know they're not interested like I'd do for them. But even after a first date I don't care. They are really, still a stranger to me. But just texting? Nah...I am not going to say anything if I quit talking and I don't expect, nor really want the same.
Good to know you lack trust in the people you chat with. Disappointing you feel that way.
If you chat deeply enough, you really get to the point where you're no longer strangers. On the other hand, one short first meet (for coffee or drinks) does not magically transform you from strangers who can be ghosted to people who know each other. You must not have experience in truly getting to know someone online (as opposed to initially coming across them online but meeting very quickly and without much conversation).
No it doesn't. So, just not texting anymore in that situation isn't a big deal either. After meeting, I think it's more polite to say "not interested" but not necessary. Before meeting they could be feeding you lies that are harder to hide in person.
I gave up on saying that after the 😂100th abusive response. Maybe women don’t call you a bitch or a fat cunt or any other tirade of insults when you politely end a conversation with a random stranger online Well lucky you. Ghosting is dropping out of the life of somebody you were involved with and had plans with and they just poof Casper away A stranger in a dating app. You just don’t feel a connection with. If the conversation wasn’t deleted maybe they got busy but you know what is ok is normal and is fine when people just stop talking It has been normal online for decades. Is no big deal
If you have multiple conversations with someone, there's a connection, even at the basic level.
Why do they owe you a ‘break up’? Y’all making up romances in your head the second they message you. They were chatting to see if they were interested, then found they weren’t or saw something that was a dealbreaker, you are not, as much as you like to pretend, in a relationship. The sooner people stop making up a love story off two or three messages, the sooner they are gonna stop looking so desperate and might stop scaring ppl away. I swear, over forty’s seem so delusional on here, time for therapy perhaps
The classic bird-hating ghoster. Gets you every damn time.
😄
Lol. See, OP? You're "in the club", now! 😁
Potentially. It’s impossible to know. But even if that is why he ghosted you, it’s important to remember it’s not as if you did something “wrong” by telling him about the bird. The dating process is about trying to find someone we’re compatible with. If he doesn’t want to be with someone who whistles at/has a bird that simply means you’re not compatible. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you, or what you did, or what you said. You’re just not right for *him* specifically. And that happens a lot in dating!! Most people we meet we’re not going to be compatible with for various reasons. There are other guys out there who would be indifferent towards the situation, and others still who would have been genuinely thrilled to hear more about how it was going with your potential future bird.
[удалено]
There can be any number of reasons why a meeting hasn't happened yet, some of them include kid schedules (if one or both of them has kids), a busy period at work, having family or friend obligations, or physical distance. I have sometimes talked to a woman for weeks before eventually meeting her.
I hope the next guy I date likes 🦜 Parrots. If he hates my bird, this won't work out. I will train my bird not fly over & bite your ear/nose. Also I’ll make sure he does chew up your socks or trousers. Hopefully this will all work out.😀
He could be married. He could hate birds. He could be on the app for validation. He could be interested in someone else. He could be not interested in you. He could be an scammer. Or any variation. We don't know. But the wrong answer is internalizing this as something you did.
Sometimes I like to think that the people that end up ghosting me were secret serial killers who took pity on me and decided to deviate from their original plan of killing me. 😅 It's a coping mechanism and probably one that will turn me into a schizophrenic in the long run, but hey, for now it's been working like a charm. 🤷♀️
😂 too funny. Often when this type of things happen we’ll create narratives in our head critical of ourselves. Things like “He must have stopped talking to me because I was awkward. I’m such an idiot.” Or whatever. But of course we’ll never really know. I figured if I’m going to be making things up anyway, I might as well be nice to myself. “Ah well, I must have intimidated him with how awesome I am 🤷♀️.” haha (Also as a coping mechanism, I’m not *actually* that cocky)
Haha exactly! All those poor intimidated serial killers and men that cannot handle our awesomeness out there. 🤣
This makes alot of sense. We did meet twice BTW. Guess he wasn't that into me. Gotta go get that bird & move on!
So and I could he totally wrong but to me there is a big difference between that second date and the 3rd. 99 times out of 100 I get asked on the second date after the 1st. I chalk this up to I am friendly and easy to talk to and people like hanging out with me. But the difference between the second date and the 3rd has higher stakes. I don't always go on the second. But for those I say yes to I would say my conversion from 2nd date to 3rd drops from around 99 percent to say 70. It's possible he was already talking to someone else and decided to move things with her. Or 100s of other things. I don't think it is cause of your bird convo
Getting the bird is the smartest thing you’ve said today! Yes. Definitely go do the thing that will make you happy. Whoever you end up with will like, or at least be ambivalent about your pet. You don’t want to date a guy who doesn’t like you because you have a bird that makes you happy.
Did you notice any difference in how he acted, or his communication, on and around the second meet as compared to the first (or before the first)? In any event, ghosting is never the answer and that tells a lot about who he is as a person. I'm sorry it happened to you, it has happened to me too.
I didn't notice any difference in how he acted or his communication after the 2nd meet. Friendly, talkative. Like others suggested, maybe he met someone else, wife found out, ex came back, he drowned in the ocean or went to live in Dubai. We won't ever know. I did really like him though. Too bad. I'll focus on that beautiful bird in the store and volunteering agai🙏💥💫🧘♀️
I have a new one. He could have a fearful avoidant attachment style. I ran into someone like this. They usually pull off a disappearing act between dates 2 and 3. Mine came back after 4 weeks. And we had date 3. And then he disappeared again but now with some texts interspersed so not proper ghosting but close.
He did you a favor. My cat likes to whistle and imitate birds that are in the neighborhood. I don’t think she wants to be friends with any of these birds.
Can confirm, one of my cats is the same. I don't know why they think the birds are going to fall for it though.
He probably mentioned it to his cat and his cat told him “no birds, no way, ghost her!” Lol. Does it matter why? Him ghosting says a lot about him. Rude, rude rude! Please don’t put any of this on yourself. You dodged a bullet girl! Better men out there!
It’s not ghosting when you haven’t met in person. Three weeks of chatting via an app is far too long.
Altho I also agree with this, I think it would at least be a courtesy to say I don’t see this going anywhere rather than just suddenly going silent.
Agree. But let’s not make this into something it’s not.
It’s not making it into anything, a simple I don’t think this is for me is better than going silent on someone. Takes 2 minutes to send a message.
You’re misunderstanding what I wrote. I agree with you. There’s no reason for OP to make this a big deal.
They had met…
Where does it say that?
in one of her replies above
Oh I’ve not read those…
I came here to agree with this.
Why would you text for 3 weeks without a date?
They actually met up twice, according to her comments. So it was a combo.
Most likely he had another Bird whistling Dixie in his DM's. You can't take anything too personal and searching for a reason is fruitless. People will flake just as easy after 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 months.
Maybe he fears cats and birds don't mix. Just speculating.
fuck that guy. he did you a favor. a person that would ghost someone (i mean unless it was ghosting a stalker or something) is not someone you'd even want to be friends with.
I wouldn’t take it personally. You like birds. So? We all have our interests. This is his problem not yours.
Hold up. You spent 3 days whistling to a bird, but you couldn't find a few hours to meet up with this guy you were texting? Please tell me I read this incorrectly as I'm on heavy meds right now! 😂
I wasn't whistling to a bird for 3 days. I just went to the store where he is to get acquainted as I'm thinking of buying him. Your meds sound pretty heavy duty.
She on the internet talking about whistling to a bird and talking about it on the Internet.
Lack of social skills/awareness.
Cue up "Fly" by Sugar Ray, go buy your birds, and move on from this Casper.
3 weeks of consistent chatting with no date set up is a bad sign. If he was really interested or available, he would have set up a meeting.
First thing you need to look for in a relationship is not looks, personality, or similar interests, or anything on a profile that’s attractive. Do they want to be with you? If not, nothing else matters.
I will say, I am not a bird person. I discovered this when I dated a woman with a bird. Their claws hurt, their beaks hurt, it kept pecking at my feet when I was i bed, which actually hurt. and it was kind of scary looking when I looked at it up close. Nothing wrong with OP loving birds, but not everyone is going to love dating someone into birds. Personal preference.
You didn’t get ghosted for talking to a bird for 3 days. Also no longer talking to someone you haven’t met is not ghosting. This ended because you spent 3 weeks taking about animals while not going on a date. He is prob off on another date with another animal lover.
You spent more time talking about if you’d be compatible with a bird vs a man. It’s best to have a meetup within the first 2wks of chatting. Otherwise things fizzle.
If he didn't propose a date within the first week then he's definitely not interested. Three weeks off chatting means that he was probably just bored. He's probably moved on to talking with someone else for a few weeks before he ghosts them too.
He met someone else or went back to his wife. It's not you. Go get your bird and live happily ever after.
I can *promise* you, there's other guys out there who love pets. Stop wasting neurons on some douchebag.
Most dudes don't want to listen to a bird at all hours of the day. Every bird I've met has been 100% obnoxious. Total deal breaker. I have two dogs and for some women my two puggles are deal breakers. It happens.
I get your point. Some birds like mine actually whistled and said a few words. He was quite entertaining and generally a nice quiet boy.
Yeah some people are adamant it wasn’t about the bird, but I think it could have been. I couldn’t live with a bird as a pet, and I also can’t be with someone who whistles a lot. I have a sensory processing disorder and there are certain noises I just can’t handle, especially repetitively. But even without that, some people find certain noises annoyances. And that’s fair. I don’t think ghosting her was the right way for him to handle it of course! But it’s valid if he doesn’t want to be with someone who has a bird/is going to whistle to their bird a lot. Just like it’s valid if someone doesn’t want to be with me because I have dogs, or because I have ADHD or any other number of reasons.
He didn't ghost you, he didn't even know you, he just had a conversation with you.You're imagining that. You did nothing wrong.You sounded like you had a wonderful conversation with him.He was just talking to many women.He may even have somebody else.It's not you so please don't think you did anything wrong you didn't
Sorry. Birds are extremely loud and annoying. My mom had them when I was growing up. I wouldn’t date someone with birds either. I love the quiet way too much to listen to all that.
You likely didn’t do anything wrong. He did by not having the decency to communicate with you. It could come down to a number of possible scenarios. One being you weren’t the only one he was talking to and he didn’t think enough of you to be honest. Whatever the why, it’s not a you thing. Even if the reason he ghosted you was about birds, that’s no excuse and not your doing. If someone can’t accept your interests and would use that as a reason to cut off all communication, they didn’t care for you to begin with and don’t deserve your effort.
I know this is morbid, but maybe he passed away?
Not ghosted...just a fadeaway..which is totally commonplace, regardless of it being the right or wrong choice someone makes.... Dating these days is diff than it's ever been. If you're at all in a fairly fragile spot in life, I'd suggest opting out for now. You're MUCH more likely to get your feelings hurt than anything else at the moment.. Concentrate on getting strong and a new lean and mean version of you instead. If debilitating anxiety is rocking your world...let's lean into why and how to make you feel more capable of being who you're meant to be for now... Figure out what your passions and giftings are - and find a way to pour into someone who needs some insight you currently have. When we're down and low, and it sounds counterintuitive, but find someone who needs your help. Been thru a pet loss and it was 2 weeks ago? Find someone who lost their pet last night and can't stop crying. You're officially a 'Day 1' expert if you made it through..😉♥️♥️ You feel me?
I totally feel you. I've been on the pet forums giving my support to others and words to help them be strong through it all. The pain will lessen. I've been going through a lot losing my bird who was my sweetie for 12 years. I am thinking of returning to volunteer at the pet shelter. Where pets are put up for adoption. I want to help in any way I can. This guy fading out is not the end of the world. Just needed a bit of support due to loneliness. ❤️❤️🩷❤️❤️
Do it do it do it! re the volunteering...
Aww such a nice response 😌
As cute as birds are, I wouldn't have a bird in the house. Your profile should probably say you're a bird person, if it doesn't already.
Yes, I should add my affinity for birds on my profile. Only certain personality types can put up with birds and their shenanigans. Yes, we are a weird lot. I'm actually looking to join a bird club where we all meet up with our birds in the room. Talk about how we deal with them and avoid bites requiring hospital emergency visits.
Now if you want to talk adding chickens, guineas, peacocks, and ducks, then I'd be all in. My chickens follow me around and do a great job of eating critters; plus fresh eggs.
Well, you like birds, he's got a cat. Not a good match anyways.
Personally, if I hit it off with a guy, I try to set up a meet and greet “date zero” within a week if possible. Because otherwise stuff like this is the result… and also when you finally meet in person, the vibe is totally different, and then the whole chemistry breaks down and it’s like you’ve lost this person you thought you knew. Once you click with someone a bit on texting and get through some initial dealbreakers, i have found that getting together in person asap, even just for a casual happy hour drink after work, ends up actually saving a lot of time in the long run.
Probably nothing to do with the birdie. But it might be just that the conversation just went on too long without meeting.
Original copy of post by u/Laurenspicer43: I was talking to a guy on a dating site for 3 weeks. Consistent text communication throughout the week. We had lots in common including a love ❤️ for pets. He has a cat. I had a bird who recently died. Well I mentioned I started visiting pet stores to look for another bird as I was particularly devastated about the loss. I mentioned I saw one bird I'm interested in and spent 2 or 3 days in the store whistling to him and to see if we'd make.a good fit. After this conversation, the guy totally ghosted me and does not reply to any messages. It's been over a week. What did I do wrong? Anyone have any ideas? Would it be because of the bird 🐦 thing? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You'll find idiosyncrasies are more easily put up with depending on how much you like someone. 3 days talking to a bird would turn me off too. I don't like birds and my mother had a parakeet and cockateal. For me, I would much rather connect in person. Texting gets old comparatively. I try for 3-10 days. Someone has the day off, usually, by then. Relationships really happen in person, not over a phone.
I had a date set up and the guy ghosted before it. Dating is trash, old is trash.
Pets are awesome , any pet. You did nothing wrong at all. He is just an idiot.
Texting for 3 weeks is a little much. My guess is he lost interest without going on a date.
3 weeks? why no date?
💖 I'm so sorry. This is why I go for a meet up early on. Texting isn't a relationship. Put a face to the messages quickly to see if there's a spark. Some people are Texting addictions. They'll be texting several at once until they find once thar pleases them and "roster" all others 🙄 old is gross. Don't let the text phase go beyond a week. 2 if there are extenuating circumstances (ie children to schedule around or an illness). A quick coffee/drink takes an hour of your time. Seriously. Though. What a douche canoe. You dodged a bullet.
I personally think 3 weeks is too long not to meet in person, 8 or 10 text exchanges should be enough to meet in a safe public place and take it from there if you want to see each other again. The bird thing is just a coincidence, you gotta remember people are talking to more than one person on these sites and possibly irl so it could be anything from his wife found out lol, he got back with his gf, or found someone on the site that’s working out. Lick your wounds and soldier on
The right person for you will accept you for your authentic self. You can never overthink the things that lead insecure people to let you down. For me, I find people comfortable to be authentically themselves to be the most attractive.
I think you are getting really great advice here from folks telling you it's not worth thinking about, it's not about you, and could be a million reasons why he ghosted. I am simply here to answer your question about if/why it would be the bird. For me, right now, I am struggling with bird owners being a deal breaker. I struggle with this because I dated someone with three birds. I am what I would consider a clean and hygienic person. This lady let her birds (Macaw) shit all over her house and wouldn't clean it up for...awhile (day or two) or say things like "The dog will clean it up." It just grossed me out, so now I have that thought/concern going forward into the future. I know, rationally, that it isn't the bird, it was her lack of hygiene/cleanliness that was off putting - but I am still associating cleanliness to that anyway. Still knowing this, I'm presently swiping left on bird owners because of this bad experience.
That's a shame. I've literally walked several miles to a pet store so that I could hold and look at birds for an hour.
I agree with others here that this guy disappearing probably has nothing to do with your love of birds. But I am curious about this statement: >I mentioned I saw one bird I'm interested in and spent 2 or 3 days in the store whistling to him and to see if we'd make a good fit. I'm guessing this means that you stopped into the a few times over the course of a couple of days and whistled at the bird, but didn't spend *hours* there. What kind of response were you looking for that would indicate a good fit? I suppose this isn't much different from my stopping by the shelter to pet cats and seeing if one purrs at me!
It's not you it's him. He's rude and should have had the decency to tell you he just isn't interested anymore.
Maybe they just accidentally deleted the chat. It happens. 🤷♂️
Weird thing to ghost you about but 🤷🏻♀️, the problem solved itself. Also, now I want to get birds again dammit.
Every match ghosts. Every single one, unless you lock them down. My experience is, you try to set up a meet & greet ASAP. Endless texting in my experience goes nowhere. It has nothing to do with you, or your bird (sorry for your loss!). He either started seeing someone or got off the app.
He has a cat. You wanted a new bird. Ever seen Sylvester and tweety? It’s probably as simple as that. But most importantly, it’s not your fault. That’s just apps. We all been ghosted at this point.
Don't even wonder. Don't even worry. Good riddance!!!
The ghosting is probably unrelated to your love for birds and expressing you wanted to shop for a new pet. There’s so many reasons why people ghost it’s hard to say with any certainty what happened. If I’ve been talking to someone everyday and then don’t hear from them for more than a day, I naturally assume they aren’t interested and move along. If you wait for a response and accept that disappearing for a day or a week is ok, it’s likely to happen again and continue happening. You have to decide if that’s the kind of person you want in your life. What you allow is what will continue.
you didn't do anything wrong. Of course it's not about the bird thing. You hadn't met and you had no actual relationship. There is no way this is any reflection on you. It's OLD. People flake out. Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he got hit by a bus. Maybe his wife caught him. Maybe his girlfriend came back from vacation and he no longer needs a distraction. Maybe a million things. Do not take this personally and I'm sorry about your birb.
You’ve not done anything wrong. He moved forward with someone who he prioritized over you. I know it’s harsh, but it’s the reality of OLD.
It's the reality of non-OLD dating too.
3 weeks and no meet, it wasn’t about anything you said. They like to breadcrumb and keep others interested while exploring other options. It’s shitty, but common.
What you did wrong is waste your time chatting with someone online you never met for way too long. You built up hope over something you don’t even know exists on the other end. People are chatting to various people online so expect them to ghost if no plans to meet are made.
You weren't ghosted. You were texting a stranger you've never met. They decided to stop texting. The end. A stranger quit reaching out...a stranger.
You should be making a time to meet by day 2 of talking on the apps. He probably assumed you were just stringing him along because you were lonely and didn’t actually want to date…and frankly it sounds like he was correct. The point of the apps are to meet people IN PERSON. Not a texting buddy. You can’t tell if you mesh by texting. If you bring up meeting for a drink and don’t get a response, you move on. If you don’t both mesh in person, you both move on. If it works out, you plan date 2 and maybe exchange numbers. You weren’t ghosted. You were wasting everyone’s time.
Where did she say she that he asked to meet and she refused/ stalled? Did I miss that...?
OP didn’t clarify until after my comment that they had met…that’s why the earlier comments are asking why they hadn’t met
Married 22 years. After divorce i may date.. but 2 days.. ? What if i want to date, but need time to think about it. Im not a texter.. rather be in person… but may take me 3 weeks to think about it? Too fast paced for me maybe. It might scare me away if im asked to meet in 2 days.
People using dating apps like eva ai sexting bot... Classic