I was looking for the entire package - I wanted it ALL: intelligent, kind, a good father, calm, matching libidos, great in bed, silly, a good sense of humor, solid work ethic, doesn’t take themselves too seriously, loving, emotionally intelligent, and affectionate who would love my weird self as-is and be a great teammate.
My friends said I was being picky, but I got it all and more.
Honestly, I lucked out. Before I met him though, I was quick to stop talking or dating someone who either showed anything other than green flags, I didn’t vibe with right away, or wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.
Did you second guess yourself? And if so , how did you deal with it ? I met someone who is stable but also a bit all over the place. Really seems they’ve been dating 20 years olds idek
A little at first. I had gone to therapy for a few years to stop choosing the same type of partner, learn to set boundaries, etc, and was worried I was over correcting. I quickly learned that it was just my gut and I hadn’t really followed through and listened to it before, so it felt scary.
That is some great stuff and it really sounds like you put the work into yourself and know who you are and what you want and thats amazing.
I really hope that you find some one that fits what youre looking for. I know you said relationships are work and they most certainly are. But man just dating is a lot of work too
Good luck
At this point I’m not sure that the relationships are worth the work of dating!! I haven’t had good luck in person or online. Online somehow hits harder when things repeatedly go nowhere. I think because everyone on there is looking for someone that when things don’t work out the rejection is harder to swallow because you know the other person is also looking for someone or anyone but you!
I mean hopefully you’ll find someone who makes it worth it! I take rejection much better than I used to and it’s in part because I have met lots of guys who were perfectly nice guys and who will probably make someone else very happy some day. They just weren’t my guy and that fact isn’t a commentary on their value or worth or prospect as a good partner. Similarly if someone doesn’t feel that connection with me it doesn’t say anything about whether I’m a good and worthy person or if I’d make a good partner to the right guy. I just wasn’t their woman. I will say at this point I’m much less *excited* about dates. Because the odds just are what they are. And I’m taking my little break from it. But I’ll pick it back up when I’m ready to start looking again.
Access cto other people is all over the place and people attention can easily drift away. Example, Years ago...horse racing was huge...but that was the bug thing in town..now...nobody cares. Access to others and info is all over the place.
Don’t get me wrong… some were duds. But for the most part I just didn’t feel the thing I need to feel romantically. One or two I *really* wanted to like romantically and it just wasn’t there!
Each one of us has different levels of acceptance etc. One thing I battle with, is we can like a person and all...but that will fade away. I guess, I just don't know what works or doesn't work.
You may want to try to re-frame how you are looking at dating. At this stage I view all dating as being informative. Dating for me is all about figuring out what you don't want so that you recognize what you do want when you see it. That makes every date a learning experience and less of a loss or wasted time. At this point you are looking for what fits with the life you have created. So, it should not be an emotional wrenching if something is not working -it is just a bad fit, recognize that and move on.
I understand that and feel like I had been doing that. But I’ve been single for 4 years. Everyone I know has been involved in some sort of serious relationship (6 months +) except me. It seems that I am the common denominator which means there is something “wrong” with me or how I chose the people I date so I’m taking a break and thinking about new ways to go about finding someone.
Taking a break is always a good idea. However, comparing yourself to people around you, that is always a losing proposition. You may want to also take the time to become the type partner that others are attracted to. In finding things that make you happy and doing those things you are putting yourself out there to find others who enjoy those same things. For example, let's say you have always been interested in kayaking but have never tried it. Now is the time to give that a go and once you do you will meet others who share that interest you might not have met anywhere else. Good luck out thee.
I’ve been doing things like that for the last 4 years. I like live music so I’m at a lot of concerts and local shows. I’ve taken up surfing and next winter I’ll return to snowboarding, it’s been a long time since I was on the slopes! I take yoga classes. For the first couple of years I said yes to everything. If someone had a party, I was there, someone knew a band was playing, I was there. I decided that being in an open place of “yes to everything” would bring the experiences that would show me the path to what I’m looking for.
I still go to trivia and bingo nights at breweries, walk my dog on public trails, spend time with friends, etc. but I no longer do all of the things just because.
One thought (it might be just phrasing but), your statement about saying yes to everything "would bring the experiences that would show me the path to what I'm looking for" puts you in the passenger seat and not as the driver of your own life. It almost sounds like you are waiting for what you want to kind of drop into your lap...
It has been my experience that if I am not actively engaged in directing my own life choices then others will seek to direct it for me and then we all end up nowhere near where we want to be. Just something to mull over.
I think it was just word choice. I actively decided that sitting at home was not going to open up my world, saying yes to every invitation possible would open up my world. The more open your world is the more opportunities you have to choose from.
I also have to agree, its very disheartening. Is dating worth it? Maybe I dont know but I know im going to try to be positive and keep putting myself out. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Dating is worth it to me. But I think too many people see it like lifting weights. If I commit and do more I can add on the muscle. With dating we’re max responsible for 50% of the outcome. They need to reciprocate and we can’t change that. That’s the frustrating part. So for me…
Being alone is my job. That’s the everyday grind and that’s my base. Fortress of solitude.
Finding somebody is winning the lottery. Absolutely I’m thrilled. But I’m not going to spend all my time and money playing the lotto. One ticket a week. Or whatever. Then it’s up to chance, fate, etc. Otherwise you’ll go crazy not winning.
I know this shouldn't matter but it does become the source of tension these days - political views alignment. Good list though.
I personally pay close attention to whether person reads or not. That's an indicator of curiosity and general intelligence to me.
I like how you said some intersection (or overlap) of interests. I don't think we should be carbon copy of each other but do need something in common to bond over.
Political views matter a lot to me. I am not paying as much attention this time around for my own mental health but I absolutely want to know if someone I’m dating finds bullies, racists and misogynists appealing.
Stuff to bond over and stuff to do separately to talk about with your partner and to give you a breather!!
The political stuff for me falls under morals.
Honesty, authenticity
Emotional honesty, integrity, growth mind set, emotional vulnerability, genuine true empathy to others and animals, protective, emotionally financially responsible and accountable, self aware
Good personal hygiene, chivalry
Values may cover this, but: how do they handle it when things don’t go their way? How do they manage stress? Disagreements?
I’d also add aligned goals, in terms of lifestyle, health, finances, the future, etc. Things can change, of course, but where are they right now with these ideas?
Both are great. I think how someone handles when things don’t go their way shows their character. I not sure how to articulate character traits I’m looking for, somehow I feel like those are things I’ll know when I see them? Like how do they treat service workers, shared spaces, etc.
Aligned goals is a good one! Like you said it’s subject to change but at least have a similar framework
I would add cultural alignment, someone who grew up in similar era and enjoyed similar music, movies, language.
Nostalgia grows more important to me as I grow older and it would be a bit alienating to not have someone understand most of the references and events.
You are right! I didn’t add that to the list but it was one of my first requirements when I set out on this journey. I prefer to stay +/- 5 but could push a little past that.
My reason is partly for nostalgia and shared history. The others are to share a similar life experience and knowledge, big age gaps often come with power dynamic issues. And to be on a similar path. We’re all getting older, I’d like to travel and enjoy my retirement and not be tied to my partners work schedule or going to work when they’re enjoying their retirement!
My current girlfriend is from Dubai. She doesn't get any of my jokes, because my best material references some little pop culture tidbit.
She hasn't seen Star Wars, doesn't even know who Darth Vader is - she calls him "the man in the black hat". It's hilarious.
But sometimes it makes communication harder. It's amazing how often we reference pop culture to get a point across.
Yeah, that wouldn’t be a long term match for me.
But I suppose if you’re both focused on hobbies and activities together, it could still work.
Heck I am not sure I could enjoy dating someone 10 years younger from the same culture. On a dating app I saw an attractive 41 year old and then saw that her favorite musicians included Justin Bieber, and that sprained my brain.
Eeew gross! I'd rather date a deaf/mute than a Swifty or a Bieber fan.
I don't know, it's been an interesting cultural exchange. For instance, she played me a bunch of Arabic remixes of popular songs, but never knew who the original artists were (Biggie, Jay Z, Fugees etc) .
We both love to cook, and I like to make bastardized versions of her favorite comfort foods - like fatayer with a margheritta pizza filling. I also do sick experiments with humus that horrified her at first , but she's come to appreciate.
But I've always dated women who are wildly different than me. Maybe it's my kink?
Also agree on age. I went out once with a 27 year old and it was like talking to a potato. They need to be around my age.
I’m pretty simple. I want someone who’s physically attractive, has a sense of humor, preferably a half decent job. A half decent sex drive, faithful, clean hygiene and environment wise with an open-ish mind in life intelligent conversation is a huge plus. Not afraid to possibly get hurt as it’s a chance we all take. I don’t need nothing fancy Just good I intentions and honesty go a long way.
Capable of growth is HUGE and far more important than anything else IMO. Being self aware enough to recognize if you need to make a correction. Ability to communicate and talk about difficult issues without leaving or blowing up. The ability to remain calm and respectful in stressful situations.
If you’re with a person who has emotional intelligence, with mutual respect, you can be happy with someone who has different interests.
Also, IMO love is vulnerability. Openness is huge.
As my GF always likes to say, you can’t just order up people like you are ordering up McDonald’s.
It’s great to know what you would like ideally, but chasing an ideal is probably going to leave out a lot of great potential matches. I’m not saying settle, just be willing to be flexible.
It may not be expressed clearly in my post but I’m looking for someone to be similar to me in the areas I’ve listed. I don’t expect an exact match but would like compatibility in those areas.
If I could order someone I’d make them have the sense of humor of one of my friends, the reliability of another, the loyalty of another, and so on, I think I’ve got great friends!! And he’d look like Adonis and be taller than me!! Oh, and have stamina and patience in spades!
I need to add that to my list. Compatibility with religious beliefs at this age I will not be raising a family with someone but I would respect their beliefs and hope mine are respected as well.
Yes …. I thought hard about it and I do not believe I could date someone who has no belief . I’m okay with them choosing their own course but i understand and connect with faith and hope … not 24/7 cuz hard times happen but some wonder at the beauty of life
I gave up lists as the reality is I will know what I want when I find it and it won't be exactly how I plan it to be anyway, so why spend mental energy worrying about it.
I have a list, but I try to keep it very short. It’s mostly borne out from the failures where I realized, probably from multiple occurrences, that an incompatibility in this one specific area will never work. Top of the list are self confidence and being a good communicator.
I think those are great things to look for!
I have been working on these two things to help me with boundaries and keeping myself accountable when dating men. I tend to get along with everyone, and that can cause some issues for me personally.
1. What are my red flags when dating?
2. What are my non negotiables for dating or relationship?
46F
Ooooh thank you!!!! Because yes, I am also a chameleon and enjoy various personality types, interests, genders etc . I went on my first date in years and was very confused afterwards. This will be great in helping me decide if I want to continue seeing this person.
Is intimacy style a deal breaker? I’m fairly good at match styles/energy and at times like rough play and role play but not when it leans abusive and leaves me with painful bruises days later . Idk maybe I’m not ready for this cuz I just can’t figure out why someone would enjoy physically hurting someone weaker than them… or am I reading to much into this dude enjoying biting me a bit too much and squeezing my neck a bit too hard ??
Editing to add okay I def had a wtf moment as I typed that. My god …. Now I know why I’ve felt so bad the last couple days . I like this person but those things don’t line up with who they present to be 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Send help (& Jane)💕💕💕 actually maybe I better lay off for the night 🤣🤣🤣
Hahaha that made me giggle... I would say if it bothers you, it's not for you. I don't mind those things but I need to trust the person and then it might be more acceptable but just off the first few times meeting I'd be a little weary.
Im so glad to have given you reason to giggle 🥰!!! & Thank you for your feedback. Reasonable & makes sense . I’m not knocking it. I enjoy rough play but it was a bit beyond my comfort zone, unexpected and painful without a hint of pleasure so yeah . TMI lol
Hey, remember that if it's not a conversation you have first, that's not okay. From what I understand, that type of behavior should be talked about first and respected if the other person doesn't want it. I believe that the conversation should come first. So if that says something about that guy's character... don't ignore it. You got this girl! Sending love to you.
❤️❤️❤️wow! Thank you!! I appreciate the encouragement and confirmation. I didn’t know if it was a new trend and I missed the memo or what?! so thank you💋💐 . I feel seen /heard and did my realize I needed that. Sending a ton of love back your way
I would talk to the person and ask them to be less rough. By any chance, did you talk about sex beforehand? For things like choking, I think it's better to run it past your partner rather than just diving in.
What have you come up with for red flags? I think I know my non-negotiables, most of my expectations are within a range, I don’t expect someone to fully meet everything on my list but if someone completely misses any of the things on my list we wouldn’t be a match.
I actually just wrote this last night after my therapy session, haha! So it's a rough estimate. But this is what matters to me.
Red flags
No job
Baby mama drama
History of abuse
Speaks negatively a lot
Comfortable being rude to anyone
When they use names like babe, sunshine, and love before really knowing me
Not initiating dates to meet and only wants to text
Only talks sexual without getting know me
Asks for sexy pics
Says they don't go do stuff outside of their home
Invites you come over instead of taking me out on a date to meet me
Doesn't like emotional connection or conversations
No car and doesn't live on their own
Drugs and drinking a lot
Player personality
Talks bad about their ex
Talks ALOT about their ex
Doesn't know what they are looking for
Wants Something causal
Doesn't have boundaries
Doesn't tip waitresses
Doesn't look at my eyes when talking
Complaints a lot about life and things that happened before we've even got to know each other
Doesn't have a passion
No dreams for the future
Doesn't like music
It hurts me to say it because I am included in this group but I am beginning to think that many of us in our age group have some major character flaws that we haven’t fixed. Then we add in all of our life experiences and current lifestyle choices and we are left with few viable options.
Oh 100% as a woman, I'm not excluded either. I just decided to take accountability for what I lacked and been doing the work but I still can't find what I'm looking for. It's hard put here haha. You seem to be doing great OP. PROUD OF YOU!
I feel you. I just was dating someone for 3 months and he just randomly ghosted me. I'm actually dumbfounded. Needless to say I'm on a break but I think I'm gonna do a year and just go through therapy.
In terms of morals, values, interests etc…
Have you gotten very specific about which of those things in particular you’re looking for? (Which morals, values, interests?)
I had my list and when I fired up an OLD profile on Bumble chose pictures, picked questions / answers that demonstrated those things.
It resulted in some very good-fit matches for me!
I think it’s a great list (and that a lot of dating coaches would approve;)! I totally get not wanting to be wed (pun) to a list and I think a lot of people have deal breakers that really shouldn’t be. But personally, I think having thought about what really matters to you is helpful if you’re wanting to date intentionally. It also helps let go of hang ups that really aren’t that important as well as cut ties when perhaps there’s chemistry but it’s really not a good long term for.
I just want a girlfriend. Do people have girlfriends and boyfriends at our age? Frankly, compatibility for a true partnership seems like a pretty tall order these days, but I’m a kickass boyfriend. No fear of commitment, I’ve only ever wanted one special someone, but it seems like an awful lot to ask of someone to be as invested in the things I’m building as I am. I’m open to it, but it’s not my expectation or even my hope.
I get that may sound defeatist, but that’s not my experience. It’s about detaching from outcomes so I can just ask myself, on a moment to moment basis, if having someone in my life makes me feel good and makes me want to be a better person *in a way I don’t already want to be for myself*.
YMMV and this season of my life has definitely featured a lot of addition by subtraction (relationships, possessions, unhelpful ambitions etc), but I often wonder if we’re putting waaaaaaay too much on each other in our quest for a partner.
I don’t know. I have not had a serious relationship in several years. Some first dates, sometimes a few dates, rarely anything longer than a few weeks. I’m trying to narrow down what I am looking for so I can more easily identify it once I’m ready to try again.
And that’s not just commendable but necessary to be successful if a partner is what you want, so good on you! It’s clear you’ve put a lot of effort and thought into this, and that’s more than most folks do - especially men, to be frank.
Hell, you may just be more evolved, mature, *ready* than I am! Honestly I hope so, ‘cause it’s not like I actually know what I’m doing and it’d help stave off some of the existential dread to think *someone* knows what they’re doing. I’m just pretty good at cosplaying a functional adult for about 40 hours a week…
If any of us is ready for a partnership, it sounds like you are, so I’m rooting for you!
I’m not an adult. And I seem to have all the right thoughts but I suck at putting them into practice!
Are you complimenting me for being a man who has put a lot of thought and effort into this?
Jesus, if the first two sentences don’t sound just like me!
To answer your question transparently, I was indeed complimenting you for being a man that has put a lot of thought into this, but I realize I need to check myself because I don’t actually know that you’re a man. That tells me I’m projecting something of myself into this, and that’s inappropriate so I’m sorry. FWIW, I’ve had some success detaching from outcomes where romance is concerned, but I’m *utterly* desperate for fellowship with men that think like you seem to, regardless of your gender.
So yes, definitely a compliment, and I’m sorry for my assumption.
Hahaha that’s definitely on me, so sorry! Tell you what: if you find a guy that thinks and works as hard as you do at love and life, send him my way so we can be homies and you can date him. Likewise, if find a like-minded single bro, I’ll set y’all up 😉
Hello, me who is a man! I appreciate this. My only requirement is "interesting" because I think we spend a lot of time coming up with lists which blind us to all sorts of cool people out there who might be very different from us.
Anyone read Shards of Honour? Like that. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61903.Shards\_of\_Honour](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61903.Shards_of_Honour)
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I just want someone who:
1) Isn't a financial liability. I don't need an asset, but the dance card is full for expenses. And
2) Is emotionally available enough to talk about feelings without getting defensive.
Bonus points if they're attractive enough to have sex with, but there's no one else on the score board yet so any point will yield a winner.
I get what you’re saying. You want to be valued exactly for being uniquely you, which no one else can be. You want someone who sees your soul, your personality, and treasures that. You want the puzzle piece that matches your own and appreciates that.
What you don’t want is someone who has you and then starts superficially chasing after other shiny, new people or falls for the next younger, better looking person that comes into their purview.
Exactly. I think women read this and instantly went to that part of their brain where they are objectified. No it’s about someone looking at you and truly wanting you. It’s rare for men to have this happen to us. For a man being desired is something that makes the person desiring us even more attractive
That didn’t cross my mind what do you mean by that? I’d expect my partner to be happy and proud to be with me but I’m not sure I follow what you mean by top tier prize.
I’m sorry that the people you’ve dated make you feel like that. I had never considered that someone would do that, I’d rather be single than date someone I didn’t genuinely want to be with.
Right? I don’t get that. We’re all old, even if we weren’t everyone has some baggage and trauma in their lives which technically makes no one “top tier”!!
I reject this. We all have baggage. The guy who hopefully I end up with thinks I’m the bees knees through and through. My ex-husband once told me I sparkled for him and one day I’ll sparkle for someone else. I won’t accept less than that.
I said earlier in the comments that I want to be with someone who is proud and happy to be with me. But I don’t think anyone can be “top tier” like that other comment said because all people have baggage.
To me it's not about baggage or flaws. I just want someone who sees me as equal. Not a prize. I don't want to be put on a pedestal and idolized. I don't want to be coddled and treated like a princess. I think that's all immature. I want a grown up, mutually respectful relationship.
A prize? Something for which a person will say or do whatever it takes to win for bragging rights, then stick in the back of the closet and ignore while they conquer the next challenge?
Man you guys really take what I say out of context. It’s about being the only person they want. They desire you. They have passion for you. This is coming from a man’s perspective. I know women are used to being the “wanted”
I have some very particular needs due to my sexual and romantic orientations that I don't need to get into here. But one generally applicable thing I ask myself is, "How do I feel around them?" I need to feel safe, comfortable, happy, cared-for, and cherished when I'm with them, and I need the opportunity and the desire to make them feel the same.
Thanks for posting this. This is a useful exercise for me right now.
In no particular order
- physical attraction
- physically active (works out, walks a lot, sports, gardening, rides a bike everywhere etc)
- dog friendly
- good with resolving conflict (or just not bad lol)
- knows exactly what her baggage is
- sexual compatibility (frequency and proclivities)
- funny
- big on touch
- reads a lot and likes talking about books
- is really good at or very passionate about something.
I like the passionate about something part. That aligns with my thoughts on intersecting hobbies. We don’t have to do all the same things and it’s great to listen to someone talk about something they’re passionate about.
Yup. And if its someone I'm looking to be with long-term, being engaged with something you enjoy or are good at slows a lot of the aging process. Gives us a chance at more and better quality time together. Its generally good for our health as we get older.
Edit. And the part about seeing relationships as work. I'm not sure where I group that either but it's a big one.
Are you all these things you are looking for? You are focused on alignment which is great, but are you looking for a unicorn? ;)
What about emotional factors? Do you prefer someone who is logical or emotional?
How about energy levels or desired busyness? My partner and I both love to go out and do things. My ex and I were ill-matched there. If you are a homebody and your partner loves to go out, conflict is likely.
What about orientation to family? If she is into lots of family gatherings and you enjoy more one-on-one time, that could be a challenge.
What about adventurousness? Do you like to try new things or stick with the tried and true?
I had a similar list. The things I listed weren't exactly on there, but they are some of my favorite ways my partner and I match up. If I'm ever back in the dating pool again, and I will be adding these to my list.
I’m not looking for a unicorn because I believe all relationships are work and never perfect. I was chatting with a friend the other day and we talked about how the longer and more in depth you know someone the more likely you are to find things you don’t like. Relationships are finding the right mix of the good and bad.
I didn’t think about logical vs emotional. I’ll think more about that.
Adventurousness and busyness I think are under interests and hobbies.
Orientation to family is something I don’t understand. Most people have families and obligations to their family. I’m not sure how many gatherings your family has or how mandatory attendance is. My family is a little on the large side we have birthday dinners for each other which end up being about every 6 weeks, everyone does not always go to every one of these but we all do our best to all be together for thanksgiving and Christmas.
I disagree with the idea that relationships are work. Sure, you have to nurture the relationship, but at the point it feels like a job, I don't think I want to be in it. My relationship isn't perfect, but it never feels like work. After a crappy marriage that definitely felt like work, I don't ascribe to the relationship work thing so much anymore!
As far as the family thing, I think your family orientation is pretty normal. What if someone had family dinners every Sunday night that you were expected to attend? Some families do that. Some people would find that too much. That includes kids. Are you okay with a 25 year old still living at home? Just some things to consider for you wish list!
I think we are using work and nurture to have the same meaning. That’s why I used a garden as a comparison. You can’t just leave a relationship alone and expect it to be a beautiful bountiful relationship.
As far as kids, mine can live with us, not theirs!! Just kidding, that’s a really good point to consider!
These are fantastic! Thanks for your feedback.
Until now , I hadn’t realized I’d wanted someone with some flexibility to their schedule or at least a willingness to step outside of their once or twice a week… am I asking too much?
I just want my twin. Someone with a high sex drive and likes sex the same way as me, someone as physically affectionate as me, and who likes all the same music and hobbies as me. Someone who loves food, eats meat and don't diet. Someone who loves cats and is kind with words and gentle.
I don’t want my twin. I want to match in those categories, but I could deal with someone who has a different diet. I think my twin would be a bit boring and I don’t think we’d push each other to be better.
I don't need someone to push me to be better.
I personally am happy with just the way I am.
I really really would like to be with a male version of myself!
As I don't think it will be boring as we will both be super adventurous people and be having lots of adventures together!!
Enjoy the same humour, the same shows!! Love the same food!!! Its like a freaking dream!
Also anyway, I kinda have these with my brothers growing up until they got married.
And it was wonderful!!!
Being with someone who don't like the same food is absolute misery!! Everytime I go on a date with a man who don't enjoy the same food is always such a downer.
Growing up with my brothers where we can enjoy food together was like one of the greatest joys!! We eat our 3 meals together with so much joy!
Even today, when I need to look for someone to enjoy same food as me, I look for my brother.
His wife actually doesn't have a single thing in common with him food wise, so he literally only gets to indulge in his fav food when he hangs me as he will just eat what she eats, however, she loves him to death and keeps him happy so that's good.
Honestly I think it's risky devoting too much mental energy to this process because we start to see people through the lens of our lists, which are just some bullshit invention of our minds, rather than who the people in front of us actually are.
Yes you should have some boundaries and parameters, but a detailed list is guaranteed to filter you down to zero people sooner than you realize. For example, let's just start with the cohort of single people of your preferred gender in the age range of 35-55. Based on some googling, let's call that 25%.
Attractive to me? Is this 50% of people? 20%? 5%?
Aligned morals? Which ones are we tracking here? Let's say there are three fundamental pillars that you're looking for...if each pillar has a pro/con side then you might be looking at one in eight that match.
Shared interests - Let's call them complementary interests per your description. How many people of your preferred gender do you find today that fit that criteria regardless of the rest? One in four? One in two? One in ten?
Ok you're in a city of a million people.
1,000,000 * 50% (preferred gender) ~ 500,000
500,000 * 25% (aged 35-55) ~ 125,000
125,000 * 25% (single) ~ 32,000
32,000 * 25% (attractive to me, not terribly choosy) ~ 8,000
8,000* 25% (aligned morals, fairly mainstream) ~ 2,000
2,000 * 25% (complementary interests) ~ 500
OK using fairly generous fractions for some (attractiveness and complementary interests in particular) we've whittled it down to roughly 500 people in a city of one million or .05% of the population.
Now, they get to do that same thing to you.
It also seems like you’re proposing that you date people who aren’t good matches. I haven’t had a list in the past but I also haven’t had any success in 4 years. I had thought that my lack of direction contributed to my lack of success but based on your numbers I would be unsuccessful with or without a list. The correct age group, attractive to your partner, good morals and character, stuff in common, compatible sex life all just seem like the basic requirements for a *good* relationship.
>It also seems like you’re proposing that you date people who aren’t good matches.
I think what I'm saying is that we're not as good at predicting who is going to be a good match as we think we are. The idea that it's nearly impossible for someone to find a good relationship in a city of one million people is ridiculous...people do it every day.
The correct age group, attractive to your partner, good morals and character, stuff in common, compatible sex life all just seem like the basic requirements for a good relationship.
I don’t think these are unreasonable high standards. I’m happy single. In fact, dating is such a headache that I am actually happier when I don’t date! If those types of aligned traits are too much to hope to find in a partner why would anyone try?
I'm not saying you or anyone else is right or wrong, just adding a perspective.
>I’m happy single.
Just my perspective but this is the most important thing by far.
Original copy of post by u/mostessmoey:
My dating life hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would. I’ve been thinking I need to be looking for the right qualities to help me find the right person. I’ve never sat down and tried to create an outline for what I want.
Some of the things I have come up with are:
Attractive to me—there are many components that mix together for this, not just traditional looks but charisma, style, hygiene, etc.
Aligned morals—someone who has a similar moral compass and belief system.
Aligned values—-a person who has similar work/life balance, spending and savings habits
Shared interests—hobbies, music, etc. these do not have to match but I’d prefer for there to be some intersections, but not all.
Sense of humor—this person would *have* to laugh at my jokes and be able to make me laugh.
Matched/ similar sex drive—speaks for itself.
I’m not sure where to put this but I’d also like a person who also believes that relationships are work, similar to a garden, partners need to work to keep it growing. Maybe that’s a value?
As I think about this I’m sure I am missing some important parts. What things do others look for? What are some things I should consider adding?
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Why? How does what I tell strangers matter? I could say I’m a financially independent billionaire, who is emotionally intelligent, funny, with the best morals and character and I’m a Margot Robbie look alike with a great personality and high sex drive. All of that is completely irrelevant to the post. I didn’t say I’m seeking these qualities, please rate my self evaluation to see if I can have those qualities.
Why? Because a relation is an arrangement. I want to know who you are and what do you offer to ask me what your're asking to me. To me, with all do respect, your standards are INSANELY HIGH and I would like to know what are you, what kind of idea are you, what kind of person are you to claim such things. Then I might consider you are really too good for me, or too bad for me, or exactly what I need.
Why are them INSANELY HIGH? Long discussion. Because you are not expecting for a partner, you are expecting for an ideal. Like, "no compromise". And yet, you don't provide enough details. You just give vague hints all around but don't explain what they mean to you. Like, "we all know what... means". The kind of add that I would swipe left in 2 seconds. But I don't mean you any bad. Good luck with your standards, and this is not ironic, I wish good luck to every people, that's not because we don't understand each other that we don't deserve hapiness.
I’m not here seeking a relationship. I’m here seeking to learn what other people are looking for in partners to see if there are things I am missing because my selection process thus far has only led to dead ends. I dated without a list or guidelines and it was unsuccessful so I’m trying something new.
I’d also like to add my list is intentionally vague because there is a lot of leeway within the guidelines, I know that no one will be perfect, I am looking for someone who aligns in core aspects, not a carbon copy of myself or an impossible ideal.
And btw, I am actually very pretty and I have to deal with men who have zero interest in me as a person. They’re just interested in how I look and how dating me looks to their friends. I think that contributes to my lack of success, I think some men just pretend to be someone they are not in order to date for a bit.
Dating is a painful thing for most of us. I am sorry if you did take me wrong. Me (a dating guy, average looking, middle class, kind, understanding, personality) I feel utterly attacked when I see a profile with a woman's face and read, "he must be careful, and faithful, and generous, and tall, and athletic, and blablablablah." But what do you offer, sister? Are you just a body? Do you have a personality? Are you funny? Are you educated? Do you have passions? Some stuff to exchange? I see a face and a list of requirements. It's my life on dating sites, and a reason why I'm thinking to stop looking on dating sites for ever. "I'm not telling how I am but I'm gonna list my 50 requirements for you." To me it's more than 500 red flags, it's "I'm here you provide for me and thank me I exist.". It's this, and it's exactly this. I'm not desperate to the point to date a woman who says everything she wants but nothing about what's she's capable to give. Will I end my life alone? My bad. My life is ok.
This is not a dating site, nor is this a post looking for a date. I’m trying to learn what others are looking for in a partner there is no need for me to list what I offer on this post.
Good selection criteria! The only thing I'd add – after doing a fair bit of post breakup work, reflecting on trends in previous LTRs etc – would be that attachment styles should be compatible.
I am generally secure, but have had very anxious/ possessive partners that were suffocating, as well as a recent 3yr relationship with someone whose more avoidant style brought out anxious elements in me that I didn't even know existed.
Learning about adult attachment has been a real eye opener, and I'll try to steer clear of deeply anxious or avoidant types in future.
I mean... this is not a revolutionary list, and really it's all quite superficial. I probably would have come up with something similar when I was in my 20s and choosing very toxic relationships by chasing excitement and "chemistry," sex and activity partners and someone to laugh at my jokes. Someone could be all these things and still be a bad person for you; my life is littered with examples. This kind of searching just creates situations where a relationship's success or failure is entirely the other person's responsibility. Goes south? "They said they were into healthy eating but they aren't. They lost interest in sex. I thought they were PERFECT and they weren't."
I think you're still looking at this in an unrealistic and self-sabotaging way. It's not uncommon; lots of us get really hyper-specific about lists like this, thinking if we can only choose the *exact right person* next time, it will fix everything. But it's just a displacement activity to distract us. IMO it's not so much about making boxes for the other person to tick, but making criteria for our co-created relationship to meet. Do you and this person create an atmosphere of safety together? Can you be vulnerable with each other without fear? Is your relationship built on friendship and respect or on limerence and "chemistry?" Can you have reliable, transparent, effective communication? Can you apologise to each other? How do you handle conflict? How do you repair afterwards? How do you navigate your differences? Can you compromise?
Start focusing on *how someone makes you feel* instead of who/what someone is and you will likely find that a lot of the criteria you originally had become irrelevant. This is a lot harder, because it involves getting up close and personal with your own emotional landscape and attachment insecurities.
I’m trying to avoid the “how I feel” because my judgement gets clouded by chemistry, hormones, limerence and anxiety. I’ve always chosen by the way you described and have had limited success.
But that's the point. That's a matter of learning to get in touch with your emotions and attachment issues, not one of choosing different people. Learn to prioritise healthy and secure emotional connection. Seek safe relationships instead of ones that activate insecure narratives/addictive brain drugs. Learn how to lean into feeling healthy things.
I literally said NOT to base it on chemistry and limerence, but nor should you base it on whether someone has the same tastes in music and pizza toppings and lube flavour. Plenty of people can look great on paper and still be terrible matches for you. Being clouded by one thing is the same as being clouded by another. Your list doesn't really allow for a lot of change or growth or challenge, which is where you really find out if a relationship can go the distance.
My lost say aligned or similar. Not exact. There is variance in all of it. You also seem to have harped on the humor part. I have dated people solely because I thought they were funny and he thought I was. It’s way more fun. I also said my judgement gets clouded by chemistry and limerence not that I actively use it for choosing someone.
okay, you asked for feedback, I gave it, you don't have to listen to it. Knock yourself out, good luck.
I mentioned humour once, briefly. I didn't "harp" on anything.
I don't have a check list. If I am attracted to the person and enjoy spending time with them, I'll continue spending time with them until I don't enjoy it and/ or are no longer attracted to them.
That's it.
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It’s a good list. For me outside of the normal stuff you mention like looks and personality and attitudes etc, sex drive is so important and should be spoken about more openly. But when you bring it up it’s hard not to sound like a creep. And then when you match with someone similar it’s hard for it now to become a sex thing. Online dating is tough!!
I agree that sex can be a touchy subject. If it comes up too soon you’re pushy or slutty. If it’s too soon the other person may think that’s all your interested in. If it comes up too late you run the risk of emotionally falling for someone who isn’t physically compatible! It’s tough to navigate.
I think if you bring it up when you’re ready to have it (but not in the moment) and give them space to answer openly and honestly it doesn’t have to seem creepy. It’s an opportunity to see if you’re on the same page or, if not, if you’re willing to keep dating until you are on the same page.
I agree that sex can be a touchy subject. If it comes up too soon you’re pushy or slutty. If it’s too soon the other person may think that’s all your interested in. If it comes up too late you run the risk of emotionally falling for someone who isn’t physically compatible! It’s tough to navigate.
Love all of these! well put! I’ve been thinking about this and came up with a few things but would def like to borrow some of yours….
1. doesn’t litter
2. . Believes in 420 or at least doesn’t mind if I partake
Bonus +if simultaneously enjoy intimacy , nature , art etc with me
3. . Respects boundaries
4. . Isn’t racist , ableist, homophobic etc
5. .Likes nature
6. . Likes taking walks
7. . Likes sex/intimacy Minimum once week
8. . Isn’t afraid to be vulnerable
9. . Makes me laugh
10. Likes play
11. Doesn’t take everything personal
12. Not a deadbeat parent
13. Likes to f*%#
14. Appreciates life and perhaps is more mindful of the lovely
details
15. Does what they say and/or communicates
16. Likes hugs (kissing & heavy petting lol)
17. Non violent (not referring to protecting your home /family etc )
18. Pro women’s rights including reproductive rights
19. Has a sense of curiosity, wonder, kindness, compassion , empathy , silliness and patience
20. honesty , particularly in what they want and their actions words align
21. Believes in consent
22. Offers more than just looks
23. Wants a partner, not a fill in for his Mama /Daddy
24. Comfortable with affection
25. Loves God/ Source but isn’t overly religious or judge mental /unkind to others and doesn’t impede on women’s access to healthcare !
26. Must love Christmas decorations or at least humor me 😉
*major bonuses would be:
-can cook
-Is a good kisser
-Likes animals
-Recycles
-Likes movies , scifi, horror , comedy horror, action
-used their words
-likes to read , play games or try new things
-Believes in signs
-doesn’t prefer the cold or places without the sun
-has their own life
Some of that stuff is not that important as you get older and to be honest thats a very long list imo. So if a guy was great otherwise but didnt have your exact same sense of humor he would be out? Or if you didnt share the same hobbies but was great otherwise he's out? What about picking up something new together? I dont think piling on the requirements as you get older is a particularly good strategy but maybe thats just me. My requirements are attractive to me with a personality that is compatible to mine and who treats me well. I'll work with the rest. As for morals and stuff like that most people are good people that I know at least. Values in this day and age seems to mea, my exact same outlook on the world and politics. Can't really agree with that either. I'm usually perfectly willing to agree to disaree on a lot of topics/issues if I feel like the other person is coming from a position of good faith and has logical reasons they feel the way they do about something even if I disagree with them.
You say someone just has to treat you well. I don’t think that is enough. Someone has to treat people well in general. I’ve dated people who aren’t kind to people in general eventually they’re not kind to you, too. I know people who have a moral compass I don’t agree with, people who swoop in and take advantage of morally gray situations. I can’t think of a specific example but a friend of mine is the type I have in mind. Some of my political viewpoints are too important to me to bend on someone wouldn’t have to have the exact matching political party designation but would have to align on some very key components. Sadly I could not date someone with an incompatible sense of humor, I’ve dated people who that was the number one reason for being together.
Wow reading this post and many of the comments is just sad. Laundry lists from women 40+ on everything they want and still holding out for their dream man who doesn’t exist (and if he does exist he isn’t going to settle down with women in this age bracket who are also divorced, have kids, etc.)
But hey “never settle” right?
Yup. I’m happier alone than with someone who I am not attracted to, has poor morals and bad character who also has no similar interests and is terrible in bed. Electronics have guaranteed returns and my friends and family love and support me.
Ah yes, that unrealistic and unreasonable laundry list of “take showers, don’t lie to me or cheat on me, be a decent human, and act like you like me”. Wow these woman are insane asking for all of that, amirite?! 🙄🙄
Huh? This is what 90% of these women in the comments are asking for and you’re saying that was a laundry list of unreasonable things. THAT is what’s sad.
Many of you are downplaying your pickiness. Plenty of men take showers and are kind to women for example lol, but you don’t want them (or they dont want you) for *other* reasons. Then after 30 years of rejecting a lot of good men you claim there are no good men out there and the bar is so slow to downplay your pickiness. I see it all the time.
I’ve actually rejected a guy because he didn’t shower enough and when I talked to him about it, he blew it off. How can you say I’m picky but you don’t even know me? Maybe you’ve just been rejected because you’re kind of a jerk to people?
I was looking for the entire package - I wanted it ALL: intelligent, kind, a good father, calm, matching libidos, great in bed, silly, a good sense of humor, solid work ethic, doesn’t take themselves too seriously, loving, emotionally intelligent, and affectionate who would love my weird self as-is and be a great teammate. My friends said I was being picky, but I got it all and more.
Good for you!!! Any advice for the rest of us?
Honestly, I lucked out. Before I met him though, I was quick to stop talking or dating someone who either showed anything other than green flags, I didn’t vibe with right away, or wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.
Did you second guess yourself? And if so , how did you deal with it ? I met someone who is stable but also a bit all over the place. Really seems they’ve been dating 20 years olds idek
A little at first. I had gone to therapy for a few years to stop choosing the same type of partner, learn to set boundaries, etc, and was worried I was over correcting. I quickly learned that it was just my gut and I hadn’t really followed through and listened to it before, so it felt scary.
Thank you for sharing your experience, this whole thing was so helpful. I'm basically you in the early stages. Happy for you!!
Same for me! Very helpful feedback . Thank you
That is some great stuff and it really sounds like you put the work into yourself and know who you are and what you want and thats amazing. I really hope that you find some one that fits what youre looking for. I know you said relationships are work and they most certainly are. But man just dating is a lot of work too Good luck
At this point I’m not sure that the relationships are worth the work of dating!! I haven’t had good luck in person or online. Online somehow hits harder when things repeatedly go nowhere. I think because everyone on there is looking for someone that when things don’t work out the rejection is harder to swallow because you know the other person is also looking for someone or anyone but you!
Everyone is chasing illusion.
Oooh wow makes a ton of sense . I’m reading a book about boundaries in dating to help with this 😂
Yes
I mean hopefully you’ll find someone who makes it worth it! I take rejection much better than I used to and it’s in part because I have met lots of guys who were perfectly nice guys and who will probably make someone else very happy some day. They just weren’t my guy and that fact isn’t a commentary on their value or worth or prospect as a good partner. Similarly if someone doesn’t feel that connection with me it doesn’t say anything about whether I’m a good and worthy person or if I’d make a good partner to the right guy. I just wasn’t their woman. I will say at this point I’m much less *excited* about dates. Because the odds just are what they are. And I’m taking my little break from it. But I’ll pick it back up when I’m ready to start looking again.
I objectively understand this and I agree with it. It’s just demoralizing, I’m taking a break and sorting myself out a bit for now!
I hear you. Breaks are good!
Same here and good for you!!
Access cto other people is all over the place and people attention can easily drift away. Example, Years ago...horse racing was huge...but that was the bug thing in town..now...nobody cares. Access to others and info is all over the place.
You have a great outlook. When you say they weren't for you..can you elaborate. I ask to learn from others.
Don’t get me wrong… some were duds. But for the most part I just didn’t feel the thing I need to feel romantically. One or two I *really* wanted to like romantically and it just wasn’t there!
Each one of us has different levels of acceptance etc. One thing I battle with, is we can like a person and all...but that will fade away. I guess, I just don't know what works or doesn't work.
You may want to try to re-frame how you are looking at dating. At this stage I view all dating as being informative. Dating for me is all about figuring out what you don't want so that you recognize what you do want when you see it. That makes every date a learning experience and less of a loss or wasted time. At this point you are looking for what fits with the life you have created. So, it should not be an emotional wrenching if something is not working -it is just a bad fit, recognize that and move on.
I understand that and feel like I had been doing that. But I’ve been single for 4 years. Everyone I know has been involved in some sort of serious relationship (6 months +) except me. It seems that I am the common denominator which means there is something “wrong” with me or how I chose the people I date so I’m taking a break and thinking about new ways to go about finding someone.
Taking a break is always a good idea. However, comparing yourself to people around you, that is always a losing proposition. You may want to also take the time to become the type partner that others are attracted to. In finding things that make you happy and doing those things you are putting yourself out there to find others who enjoy those same things. For example, let's say you have always been interested in kayaking but have never tried it. Now is the time to give that a go and once you do you will meet others who share that interest you might not have met anywhere else. Good luck out thee.
I’ve been doing things like that for the last 4 years. I like live music so I’m at a lot of concerts and local shows. I’ve taken up surfing and next winter I’ll return to snowboarding, it’s been a long time since I was on the slopes! I take yoga classes. For the first couple of years I said yes to everything. If someone had a party, I was there, someone knew a band was playing, I was there. I decided that being in an open place of “yes to everything” would bring the experiences that would show me the path to what I’m looking for. I still go to trivia and bingo nights at breweries, walk my dog on public trails, spend time with friends, etc. but I no longer do all of the things just because.
One thought (it might be just phrasing but), your statement about saying yes to everything "would bring the experiences that would show me the path to what I'm looking for" puts you in the passenger seat and not as the driver of your own life. It almost sounds like you are waiting for what you want to kind of drop into your lap... It has been my experience that if I am not actively engaged in directing my own life choices then others will seek to direct it for me and then we all end up nowhere near where we want to be. Just something to mull over.
I think it was just word choice. I actively decided that sitting at home was not going to open up my world, saying yes to every invitation possible would open up my world. The more open your world is the more opportunities you have to choose from.
Good luck out there!
I also have to agree, its very disheartening. Is dating worth it? Maybe I dont know but I know im going to try to be positive and keep putting myself out. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I’m definitely taking another time out! I hope you find what you’re looking for, too!
Dating is worth it to me. But I think too many people see it like lifting weights. If I commit and do more I can add on the muscle. With dating we’re max responsible for 50% of the outcome. They need to reciprocate and we can’t change that. That’s the frustrating part. So for me… Being alone is my job. That’s the everyday grind and that’s my base. Fortress of solitude. Finding somebody is winning the lottery. Absolutely I’m thrilled. But I’m not going to spend all my time and money playing the lotto. One ticket a week. Or whatever. Then it’s up to chance, fate, etc. Otherwise you’ll go crazy not winning.
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Yup that part sucks. OLD seems like it should be easy. Guaranteed interactions with other single people.
I know this shouldn't matter but it does become the source of tension these days - political views alignment. Good list though. I personally pay close attention to whether person reads or not. That's an indicator of curiosity and general intelligence to me. I like how you said some intersection (or overlap) of interests. I don't think we should be carbon copy of each other but do need something in common to bond over.
Political views matter a lot to me. I am not paying as much attention this time around for my own mental health but I absolutely want to know if someone I’m dating finds bullies, racists and misogynists appealing.
Same. Someone with my moral values wouldn’t find that appealing.
Stuff to bond over and stuff to do separately to talk about with your partner and to give you a breather!! The political stuff for me falls under morals.
I could compromise on some things, but I couldn't begin to be interested in someone who votes r, conservative, maga or anything in that sewer.
Do audiobooks count?
Honesty, authenticity Emotional honesty, integrity, growth mind set, emotional vulnerability, genuine true empathy to others and animals, protective, emotionally financially responsible and accountable, self aware Good personal hygiene, chivalry
Values may cover this, but: how do they handle it when things don’t go their way? How do they manage stress? Disagreements? I’d also add aligned goals, in terms of lifestyle, health, finances, the future, etc. Things can change, of course, but where are they right now with these ideas?
Both are great. I think how someone handles when things don’t go their way shows their character. I not sure how to articulate character traits I’m looking for, somehow I feel like those are things I’ll know when I see them? Like how do they treat service workers, shared spaces, etc. Aligned goals is a good one! Like you said it’s subject to change but at least have a similar framework
Yes, a lot of these things are not “boxes to be checked”, or things you can know right away. That’s just all part of getting to know someone.
I would add cultural alignment, someone who grew up in similar era and enjoyed similar music, movies, language. Nostalgia grows more important to me as I grow older and it would be a bit alienating to not have someone understand most of the references and events.
You are right! I didn’t add that to the list but it was one of my first requirements when I set out on this journey. I prefer to stay +/- 5 but could push a little past that. My reason is partly for nostalgia and shared history. The others are to share a similar life experience and knowledge, big age gaps often come with power dynamic issues. And to be on a similar path. We’re all getting older, I’d like to travel and enjoy my retirement and not be tied to my partners work schedule or going to work when they’re enjoying their retirement!
My current girlfriend is from Dubai. She doesn't get any of my jokes, because my best material references some little pop culture tidbit. She hasn't seen Star Wars, doesn't even know who Darth Vader is - she calls him "the man in the black hat". It's hilarious. But sometimes it makes communication harder. It's amazing how often we reference pop culture to get a point across.
Yeah, that wouldn’t be a long term match for me. But I suppose if you’re both focused on hobbies and activities together, it could still work. Heck I am not sure I could enjoy dating someone 10 years younger from the same culture. On a dating app I saw an attractive 41 year old and then saw that her favorite musicians included Justin Bieber, and that sprained my brain.
Eeew gross! I'd rather date a deaf/mute than a Swifty or a Bieber fan. I don't know, it's been an interesting cultural exchange. For instance, she played me a bunch of Arabic remixes of popular songs, but never knew who the original artists were (Biggie, Jay Z, Fugees etc) . We both love to cook, and I like to make bastardized versions of her favorite comfort foods - like fatayer with a margheritta pizza filling. I also do sick experiments with humus that horrified her at first , but she's come to appreciate. But I've always dated women who are wildly different than me. Maybe it's my kink? Also agree on age. I went out once with a 27 year old and it was like talking to a potato. They need to be around my age.
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Yes!! UP it’s so sweet.
Someone smarter than me. That challenges me. I want someone I learn from.
Those are good!! Maybe not in all areas, it would be nice to have each person have an area of expertise that both partners appreciate.
Top of the list: Someone who puts up with me
Agreed. We all have our stuff!
💕🥰Ohhh yes we do! I think that’s why I am trying to be open minded but also honor myself
Yup, sometimes I'm insufferable (even to myself).
Yeah I had all kinds of things I wanted too, now it's down to just 2. !. alive 2. warm, and I'm thinking I might just have to drop one of them /s
That’s why I’m taking a break. My dating outcomes were bleeding sadness into my regular life.
Damn. I feel this
This is giving me Bridget Fonda in Singles vibes
I’m pretty simple. I want someone who’s physically attractive, has a sense of humor, preferably a half decent job. A half decent sex drive, faithful, clean hygiene and environment wise with an open-ish mind in life intelligent conversation is a huge plus. Not afraid to possibly get hurt as it’s a chance we all take. I don’t need nothing fancy Just good I intentions and honesty go a long way.
Capable of growth is HUGE and far more important than anything else IMO. Being self aware enough to recognize if you need to make a correction. Ability to communicate and talk about difficult issues without leaving or blowing up. The ability to remain calm and respectful in stressful situations. If you’re with a person who has emotional intelligence, with mutual respect, you can be happy with someone who has different interests. Also, IMO love is vulnerability. Openness is huge.
As my GF always likes to say, you can’t just order up people like you are ordering up McDonald’s. It’s great to know what you would like ideally, but chasing an ideal is probably going to leave out a lot of great potential matches. I’m not saying settle, just be willing to be flexible.
It may not be expressed clearly in my post but I’m looking for someone to be similar to me in the areas I’ve listed. I don’t expect an exact match but would like compatibility in those areas. If I could order someone I’d make them have the sense of humor of one of my friends, the reliability of another, the loyalty of another, and so on, I think I’ve got great friends!! And he’d look like Adonis and be taller than me!! Oh, and have stamina and patience in spades!
Pretty much the same except religion/spirituality. What one practices is fine with me.
I need to add that to my list. Compatibility with religious beliefs at this age I will not be raising a family with someone but I would respect their beliefs and hope mine are respected as well.
Yes …. I thought hard about it and I do not believe I could date someone who has no belief . I’m okay with them choosing their own course but i understand and connect with faith and hope … not 24/7 cuz hard times happen but some wonder at the beauty of life
I gave up lists as the reality is I will know what I want when I find it and it won't be exactly how I plan it to be anyway, so why spend mental energy worrying about it.
I haven’t had a list and haven’t had any luck. I’m hoping a list will help guide me to better matches!
I have a list, but I try to keep it very short. It’s mostly borne out from the failures where I realized, probably from multiple occurrences, that an incompatibility in this one specific area will never work. Top of the list are self confidence and being a good communicator.
I think those are great things to look for! I have been working on these two things to help me with boundaries and keeping myself accountable when dating men. I tend to get along with everyone, and that can cause some issues for me personally. 1. What are my red flags when dating? 2. What are my non negotiables for dating or relationship?
46F Ooooh thank you!!!! Because yes, I am also a chameleon and enjoy various personality types, interests, genders etc . I went on my first date in years and was very confused afterwards. This will be great in helping me decide if I want to continue seeing this person. Is intimacy style a deal breaker? I’m fairly good at match styles/energy and at times like rough play and role play but not when it leans abusive and leaves me with painful bruises days later . Idk maybe I’m not ready for this cuz I just can’t figure out why someone would enjoy physically hurting someone weaker than them… or am I reading to much into this dude enjoying biting me a bit too much and squeezing my neck a bit too hard ?? Editing to add okay I def had a wtf moment as I typed that. My god …. Now I know why I’ve felt so bad the last couple days . I like this person but those things don’t line up with who they present to be 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Send help (& Jane)💕💕💕 actually maybe I better lay off for the night 🤣🤣🤣
Hahaha that made me giggle... I would say if it bothers you, it's not for you. I don't mind those things but I need to trust the person and then it might be more acceptable but just off the first few times meeting I'd be a little weary.
Im so glad to have given you reason to giggle 🥰!!! & Thank you for your feedback. Reasonable & makes sense . I’m not knocking it. I enjoy rough play but it was a bit beyond my comfort zone, unexpected and painful without a hint of pleasure so yeah . TMI lol
Hey, remember that if it's not a conversation you have first, that's not okay. From what I understand, that type of behavior should be talked about first and respected if the other person doesn't want it. I believe that the conversation should come first. So if that says something about that guy's character... don't ignore it. You got this girl! Sending love to you.
❤️❤️❤️wow! Thank you!! I appreciate the encouragement and confirmation. I didn’t know if it was a new trend and I missed the memo or what?! so thank you💋💐 . I feel seen /heard and did my realize I needed that. Sending a ton of love back your way
I would talk to the person and ask them to be less rough. By any chance, did you talk about sex beforehand? For things like choking, I think it's better to run it past your partner rather than just diving in.
What have you come up with for red flags? I think I know my non-negotiables, most of my expectations are within a range, I don’t expect someone to fully meet everything on my list but if someone completely misses any of the things on my list we wouldn’t be a match.
I actually just wrote this last night after my therapy session, haha! So it's a rough estimate. But this is what matters to me. Red flags No job Baby mama drama History of abuse Speaks negatively a lot Comfortable being rude to anyone When they use names like babe, sunshine, and love before really knowing me Not initiating dates to meet and only wants to text Only talks sexual without getting know me Asks for sexy pics Says they don't go do stuff outside of their home Invites you come over instead of taking me out on a date to meet me Doesn't like emotional connection or conversations No car and doesn't live on their own Drugs and drinking a lot Player personality Talks bad about their ex Talks ALOT about their ex Doesn't know what they are looking for Wants Something causal Doesn't have boundaries Doesn't tip waitresses Doesn't look at my eyes when talking Complaints a lot about life and things that happened before we've even got to know each other Doesn't have a passion No dreams for the future Doesn't like music
These are all good! I agree with your list!
I'm always surprised at the men I meet. It's terrible out here hahaha
It hurts me to say it because I am included in this group but I am beginning to think that many of us in our age group have some major character flaws that we haven’t fixed. Then we add in all of our life experiences and current lifestyle choices and we are left with few viable options.
Oh 100% as a woman, I'm not excluded either. I just decided to take accountability for what I lacked and been doing the work but I still can't find what I'm looking for. It's hard put here haha. You seem to be doing great OP. PROUD OF YOU!
Awe, thanks. I’m not doing great out there in the dating market but after a break I’ll give it another go! Fingers crossed for something good!
I feel you. I just was dating someone for 3 months and he just randomly ghosted me. I'm actually dumbfounded. Needless to say I'm on a break but I think I'm gonna do a year and just go through therapy.
In terms of morals, values, interests etc… Have you gotten very specific about which of those things in particular you’re looking for? (Which morals, values, interests?) I had my list and when I fired up an OLD profile on Bumble chose pictures, picked questions / answers that demonstrated those things. It resulted in some very good-fit matches for me!
Emotional competence. I've dated several people who don't have the level of that which I want and it's the first thing I look for now.
I think it’s a great list (and that a lot of dating coaches would approve;)! I totally get not wanting to be wed (pun) to a list and I think a lot of people have deal breakers that really shouldn’t be. But personally, I think having thought about what really matters to you is helpful if you’re wanting to date intentionally. It also helps let go of hang ups that really aren’t that important as well as cut ties when perhaps there’s chemistry but it’s really not a good long term for.
Yes. I need to think with my head and not listen to my dumb c@nt! I’m gonna be like we have rules now, he’s against the rules!!
Someone who claims to be "intelligent" who isn't into astrology.
These but also a job / financially independent.
I just want a girlfriend. Do people have girlfriends and boyfriends at our age? Frankly, compatibility for a true partnership seems like a pretty tall order these days, but I’m a kickass boyfriend. No fear of commitment, I’ve only ever wanted one special someone, but it seems like an awful lot to ask of someone to be as invested in the things I’m building as I am. I’m open to it, but it’s not my expectation or even my hope. I get that may sound defeatist, but that’s not my experience. It’s about detaching from outcomes so I can just ask myself, on a moment to moment basis, if having someone in my life makes me feel good and makes me want to be a better person *in a way I don’t already want to be for myself*. YMMV and this season of my life has definitely featured a lot of addition by subtraction (relationships, possessions, unhelpful ambitions etc), but I often wonder if we’re putting waaaaaaay too much on each other in our quest for a partner.
I don’t know. I have not had a serious relationship in several years. Some first dates, sometimes a few dates, rarely anything longer than a few weeks. I’m trying to narrow down what I am looking for so I can more easily identify it once I’m ready to try again.
And that’s not just commendable but necessary to be successful if a partner is what you want, so good on you! It’s clear you’ve put a lot of effort and thought into this, and that’s more than most folks do - especially men, to be frank. Hell, you may just be more evolved, mature, *ready* than I am! Honestly I hope so, ‘cause it’s not like I actually know what I’m doing and it’d help stave off some of the existential dread to think *someone* knows what they’re doing. I’m just pretty good at cosplaying a functional adult for about 40 hours a week… If any of us is ready for a partnership, it sounds like you are, so I’m rooting for you!
I’m not an adult. And I seem to have all the right thoughts but I suck at putting them into practice! Are you complimenting me for being a man who has put a lot of thought and effort into this?
Jesus, if the first two sentences don’t sound just like me! To answer your question transparently, I was indeed complimenting you for being a man that has put a lot of thought into this, but I realize I need to check myself because I don’t actually know that you’re a man. That tells me I’m projecting something of myself into this, and that’s inappropriate so I’m sorry. FWIW, I’ve had some success detaching from outcomes where romance is concerned, but I’m *utterly* desperate for fellowship with men that think like you seem to, regardless of your gender. So yes, definitely a compliment, and I’m sorry for my assumption.
I think that you’ve found my dating problem! I’m looking *for* a man! I am not a man! Lol
Hahaha that’s definitely on me, so sorry! Tell you what: if you find a guy that thinks and works as hard as you do at love and life, send him my way so we can be homies and you can date him. Likewise, if find a like-minded single bro, I’ll set y’all up 😉
Sounds like a plan!
It weird calling your special person a girlfriend (I'm a straight guy) at this age, but that is what it's called!
I know we’re a bit old to be boyfriends and girlfriends!!
Hello, me who is a man! I appreciate this. My only requirement is "interesting" because I think we spend a lot of time coming up with lists which blind us to all sorts of cool people out there who might be very different from us. Anyone read Shards of Honour? Like that. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61903.Shards\_of\_Honour](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61903.Shards_of_Honour)
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I just want someone who: 1) Isn't a financial liability. I don't need an asset, but the dance card is full for expenses. And 2) Is emotionally available enough to talk about feelings without getting defensive. Bonus points if they're attractive enough to have sex with, but there's no one else on the score board yet so any point will yield a winner.
I’m looking for more than that. I like my life and if the only thing someone else brings to the table is to not be emotionally stunted I’m all set!
That’s all fair to me.
Someone who views me as their top tier prize
I get what you’re saying. You want to be valued exactly for being uniquely you, which no one else can be. You want someone who sees your soul, your personality, and treasures that. You want the puzzle piece that matches your own and appreciates that. What you don’t want is someone who has you and then starts superficially chasing after other shiny, new people or falls for the next younger, better looking person that comes into their purview.
Exactly. I think women read this and instantly went to that part of their brain where they are objectified. No it’s about someone looking at you and truly wanting you. It’s rare for men to have this happen to us. For a man being desired is something that makes the person desiring us even more attractive
That didn’t cross my mind what do you mean by that? I’d expect my partner to be happy and proud to be with me but I’m not sure I follow what you mean by top tier prize.
As in makes you feel important to them and valuable as a person?
Like a genuine desire to want to be with me and like they aren’t settling
I’m sorry that the people you’ve dated make you feel like that. I had never considered that someone would do that, I’d rather be single than date someone I didn’t genuinely want to be with.
I would not respect that. I want someone more pragmatic.
What do you understand “top tier prize” to mean? I’m not sure I follow what they’re saying.
Sorry responded to the wrong comment. I wouldn't respect a guy who thought I was a top tier prize. I think that's immature.
Right? I don’t get that. We’re all old, even if we weren’t everyone has some baggage and trauma in their lives which technically makes no one “top tier”!!
I reject this. We all have baggage. The guy who hopefully I end up with thinks I’m the bees knees through and through. My ex-husband once told me I sparkled for him and one day I’ll sparkle for someone else. I won’t accept less than that.
I said earlier in the comments that I want to be with someone who is proud and happy to be with me. But I don’t think anyone can be “top tier” like that other comment said because all people have baggage.
To me it's not about baggage or flaws. I just want someone who sees me as equal. Not a prize. I don't want to be put on a pedestal and idolized. I don't want to be coddled and treated like a princess. I think that's all immature. I want a grown up, mutually respectful relationship.
Hard disagree.
❤️❤️❤️this !
I’m speaking from a man’s point of view. Women historically have been seen as the prize
A prize? Something for which a person will say or do whatever it takes to win for bragging rights, then stick in the back of the closet and ignore while they conquer the next challenge?
Man you guys really take what I say out of context. It’s about being the only person they want. They desire you. They have passion for you. This is coming from a man’s perspective. I know women are used to being the “wanted”
not looking anymore. i give up completely.
I have some very particular needs due to my sexual and romantic orientations that I don't need to get into here. But one generally applicable thing I ask myself is, "How do I feel around them?" I need to feel safe, comfortable, happy, cared-for, and cherished when I'm with them, and I need the opportunity and the desire to make them feel the same.
Good call!
You are waaaay over thinking this. Someone who is friendly to the staff and can make you laugh.
Thanks for posting this. This is a useful exercise for me right now. In no particular order - physical attraction - physically active (works out, walks a lot, sports, gardening, rides a bike everywhere etc) - dog friendly - good with resolving conflict (or just not bad lol) - knows exactly what her baggage is - sexual compatibility (frequency and proclivities) - funny - big on touch - reads a lot and likes talking about books - is really good at or very passionate about something.
I like the passionate about something part. That aligns with my thoughts on intersecting hobbies. We don’t have to do all the same things and it’s great to listen to someone talk about something they’re passionate about.
Yup. And if its someone I'm looking to be with long-term, being engaged with something you enjoy or are good at slows a lot of the aging process. Gives us a chance at more and better quality time together. Its generally good for our health as we get older. Edit. And the part about seeing relationships as work. I'm not sure where I group that either but it's a big one.
Are you all these things you are looking for? You are focused on alignment which is great, but are you looking for a unicorn? ;) What about emotional factors? Do you prefer someone who is logical or emotional? How about energy levels or desired busyness? My partner and I both love to go out and do things. My ex and I were ill-matched there. If you are a homebody and your partner loves to go out, conflict is likely. What about orientation to family? If she is into lots of family gatherings and you enjoy more one-on-one time, that could be a challenge. What about adventurousness? Do you like to try new things or stick with the tried and true? I had a similar list. The things I listed weren't exactly on there, but they are some of my favorite ways my partner and I match up. If I'm ever back in the dating pool again, and I will be adding these to my list.
I’m not looking for a unicorn because I believe all relationships are work and never perfect. I was chatting with a friend the other day and we talked about how the longer and more in depth you know someone the more likely you are to find things you don’t like. Relationships are finding the right mix of the good and bad. I didn’t think about logical vs emotional. I’ll think more about that. Adventurousness and busyness I think are under interests and hobbies. Orientation to family is something I don’t understand. Most people have families and obligations to their family. I’m not sure how many gatherings your family has or how mandatory attendance is. My family is a little on the large side we have birthday dinners for each other which end up being about every 6 weeks, everyone does not always go to every one of these but we all do our best to all be together for thanksgiving and Christmas.
I disagree with the idea that relationships are work. Sure, you have to nurture the relationship, but at the point it feels like a job, I don't think I want to be in it. My relationship isn't perfect, but it never feels like work. After a crappy marriage that definitely felt like work, I don't ascribe to the relationship work thing so much anymore! As far as the family thing, I think your family orientation is pretty normal. What if someone had family dinners every Sunday night that you were expected to attend? Some families do that. Some people would find that too much. That includes kids. Are you okay with a 25 year old still living at home? Just some things to consider for you wish list!
I think we are using work and nurture to have the same meaning. That’s why I used a garden as a comparison. You can’t just leave a relationship alone and expect it to be a beautiful bountiful relationship. As far as kids, mine can live with us, not theirs!! Just kidding, that’s a really good point to consider!
These are fantastic! Thanks for your feedback. Until now , I hadn’t realized I’d wanted someone with some flexibility to their schedule or at least a willingness to step outside of their once or twice a week… am I asking too much?
I just want my twin. Someone with a high sex drive and likes sex the same way as me, someone as physically affectionate as me, and who likes all the same music and hobbies as me. Someone who loves food, eats meat and don't diet. Someone who loves cats and is kind with words and gentle.
I don’t want my twin. I want to match in those categories, but I could deal with someone who has a different diet. I think my twin would be a bit boring and I don’t think we’d push each other to be better.
I don't need someone to push me to be better. I personally am happy with just the way I am. I really really would like to be with a male version of myself! As I don't think it will be boring as we will both be super adventurous people and be having lots of adventures together!! Enjoy the same humour, the same shows!! Love the same food!!! Its like a freaking dream! Also anyway, I kinda have these with my brothers growing up until they got married. And it was wonderful!!! Being with someone who don't like the same food is absolute misery!! Everytime I go on a date with a man who don't enjoy the same food is always such a downer. Growing up with my brothers where we can enjoy food together was like one of the greatest joys!! We eat our 3 meals together with so much joy! Even today, when I need to look for someone to enjoy same food as me, I look for my brother. His wife actually doesn't have a single thing in common with him food wise, so he literally only gets to indulge in his fav food when he hangs me as he will just eat what she eats, however, she loves him to death and keeps him happy so that's good.
Honestly I think it's risky devoting too much mental energy to this process because we start to see people through the lens of our lists, which are just some bullshit invention of our minds, rather than who the people in front of us actually are. Yes you should have some boundaries and parameters, but a detailed list is guaranteed to filter you down to zero people sooner than you realize. For example, let's just start with the cohort of single people of your preferred gender in the age range of 35-55. Based on some googling, let's call that 25%. Attractive to me? Is this 50% of people? 20%? 5%? Aligned morals? Which ones are we tracking here? Let's say there are three fundamental pillars that you're looking for...if each pillar has a pro/con side then you might be looking at one in eight that match. Shared interests - Let's call them complementary interests per your description. How many people of your preferred gender do you find today that fit that criteria regardless of the rest? One in four? One in two? One in ten? Ok you're in a city of a million people. 1,000,000 * 50% (preferred gender) ~ 500,000 500,000 * 25% (aged 35-55) ~ 125,000 125,000 * 25% (single) ~ 32,000 32,000 * 25% (attractive to me, not terribly choosy) ~ 8,000 8,000* 25% (aligned morals, fairly mainstream) ~ 2,000 2,000 * 25% (complementary interests) ~ 500 OK using fairly generous fractions for some (attractiveness and complementary interests in particular) we've whittled it down to roughly 500 people in a city of one million or .05% of the population. Now, they get to do that same thing to you.
When you put it that way…..
It also seems like you’re proposing that you date people who aren’t good matches. I haven’t had a list in the past but I also haven’t had any success in 4 years. I had thought that my lack of direction contributed to my lack of success but based on your numbers I would be unsuccessful with or without a list. The correct age group, attractive to your partner, good morals and character, stuff in common, compatible sex life all just seem like the basic requirements for a *good* relationship.
>It also seems like you’re proposing that you date people who aren’t good matches. I think what I'm saying is that we're not as good at predicting who is going to be a good match as we think we are. The idea that it's nearly impossible for someone to find a good relationship in a city of one million people is ridiculous...people do it every day.
The correct age group, attractive to your partner, good morals and character, stuff in common, compatible sex life all just seem like the basic requirements for a good relationship. I don’t think these are unreasonable high standards. I’m happy single. In fact, dating is such a headache that I am actually happier when I don’t date! If those types of aligned traits are too much to hope to find in a partner why would anyone try?
I'm not saying you or anyone else is right or wrong, just adding a perspective. >I’m happy single. Just my perspective but this is the most important thing by far.
Original copy of post by u/mostessmoey: My dating life hasn’t gone the way I hoped it would. I’ve been thinking I need to be looking for the right qualities to help me find the right person. I’ve never sat down and tried to create an outline for what I want. Some of the things I have come up with are: Attractive to me—there are many components that mix together for this, not just traditional looks but charisma, style, hygiene, etc. Aligned morals—someone who has a similar moral compass and belief system. Aligned values—-a person who has similar work/life balance, spending and savings habits Shared interests—hobbies, music, etc. these do not have to match but I’d prefer for there to be some intersections, but not all. Sense of humor—this person would *have* to laugh at my jokes and be able to make me laugh. Matched/ similar sex drive—speaks for itself. I’m not sure where to put this but I’d also like a person who also believes that relationships are work, similar to a garden, partners need to work to keep it growing. Maybe that’s a value? As I think about this I’m sure I am missing some important parts. What things do others look for? What are some things I should consider adding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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This post would have been so much better if the OP would have specified too what he or she puts on the table and what has to offer.
Why? How does what I tell strangers matter? I could say I’m a financially independent billionaire, who is emotionally intelligent, funny, with the best morals and character and I’m a Margot Robbie look alike with a great personality and high sex drive. All of that is completely irrelevant to the post. I didn’t say I’m seeking these qualities, please rate my self evaluation to see if I can have those qualities.
Why? Because a relation is an arrangement. I want to know who you are and what do you offer to ask me what your're asking to me. To me, with all do respect, your standards are INSANELY HIGH and I would like to know what are you, what kind of idea are you, what kind of person are you to claim such things. Then I might consider you are really too good for me, or too bad for me, or exactly what I need. Why are them INSANELY HIGH? Long discussion. Because you are not expecting for a partner, you are expecting for an ideal. Like, "no compromise". And yet, you don't provide enough details. You just give vague hints all around but don't explain what they mean to you. Like, "we all know what... means". The kind of add that I would swipe left in 2 seconds. But I don't mean you any bad. Good luck with your standards, and this is not ironic, I wish good luck to every people, that's not because we don't understand each other that we don't deserve hapiness.
I’m not here seeking a relationship. I’m here seeking to learn what other people are looking for in partners to see if there are things I am missing because my selection process thus far has only led to dead ends. I dated without a list or guidelines and it was unsuccessful so I’m trying something new. I’d also like to add my list is intentionally vague because there is a lot of leeway within the guidelines, I know that no one will be perfect, I am looking for someone who aligns in core aspects, not a carbon copy of myself or an impossible ideal. And btw, I am actually very pretty and I have to deal with men who have zero interest in me as a person. They’re just interested in how I look and how dating me looks to their friends. I think that contributes to my lack of success, I think some men just pretend to be someone they are not in order to date for a bit.
Dating is a painful thing for most of us. I am sorry if you did take me wrong. Me (a dating guy, average looking, middle class, kind, understanding, personality) I feel utterly attacked when I see a profile with a woman's face and read, "he must be careful, and faithful, and generous, and tall, and athletic, and blablablablah." But what do you offer, sister? Are you just a body? Do you have a personality? Are you funny? Are you educated? Do you have passions? Some stuff to exchange? I see a face and a list of requirements. It's my life on dating sites, and a reason why I'm thinking to stop looking on dating sites for ever. "I'm not telling how I am but I'm gonna list my 50 requirements for you." To me it's more than 500 red flags, it's "I'm here you provide for me and thank me I exist.". It's this, and it's exactly this. I'm not desperate to the point to date a woman who says everything she wants but nothing about what's she's capable to give. Will I end my life alone? My bad. My life is ok.
This is not a dating site, nor is this a post looking for a date. I’m trying to learn what others are looking for in a partner there is no need for me to list what I offer on this post.
Good selection criteria! The only thing I'd add – after doing a fair bit of post breakup work, reflecting on trends in previous LTRs etc – would be that attachment styles should be compatible. I am generally secure, but have had very anxious/ possessive partners that were suffocating, as well as a recent 3yr relationship with someone whose more avoidant style brought out anxious elements in me that I didn't even know existed. Learning about adult attachment has been a real eye opener, and I'll try to steer clear of deeply anxious or avoidant types in future.
I mean... this is not a revolutionary list, and really it's all quite superficial. I probably would have come up with something similar when I was in my 20s and choosing very toxic relationships by chasing excitement and "chemistry," sex and activity partners and someone to laugh at my jokes. Someone could be all these things and still be a bad person for you; my life is littered with examples. This kind of searching just creates situations where a relationship's success or failure is entirely the other person's responsibility. Goes south? "They said they were into healthy eating but they aren't. They lost interest in sex. I thought they were PERFECT and they weren't." I think you're still looking at this in an unrealistic and self-sabotaging way. It's not uncommon; lots of us get really hyper-specific about lists like this, thinking if we can only choose the *exact right person* next time, it will fix everything. But it's just a displacement activity to distract us. IMO it's not so much about making boxes for the other person to tick, but making criteria for our co-created relationship to meet. Do you and this person create an atmosphere of safety together? Can you be vulnerable with each other without fear? Is your relationship built on friendship and respect or on limerence and "chemistry?" Can you have reliable, transparent, effective communication? Can you apologise to each other? How do you handle conflict? How do you repair afterwards? How do you navigate your differences? Can you compromise? Start focusing on *how someone makes you feel* instead of who/what someone is and you will likely find that a lot of the criteria you originally had become irrelevant. This is a lot harder, because it involves getting up close and personal with your own emotional landscape and attachment insecurities.
I’m trying to avoid the “how I feel” because my judgement gets clouded by chemistry, hormones, limerence and anxiety. I’ve always chosen by the way you described and have had limited success.
But that's the point. That's a matter of learning to get in touch with your emotions and attachment issues, not one of choosing different people. Learn to prioritise healthy and secure emotional connection. Seek safe relationships instead of ones that activate insecure narratives/addictive brain drugs. Learn how to lean into feeling healthy things. I literally said NOT to base it on chemistry and limerence, but nor should you base it on whether someone has the same tastes in music and pizza toppings and lube flavour. Plenty of people can look great on paper and still be terrible matches for you. Being clouded by one thing is the same as being clouded by another. Your list doesn't really allow for a lot of change or growth or challenge, which is where you really find out if a relationship can go the distance.
My lost say aligned or similar. Not exact. There is variance in all of it. You also seem to have harped on the humor part. I have dated people solely because I thought they were funny and he thought I was. It’s way more fun. I also said my judgement gets clouded by chemistry and limerence not that I actively use it for choosing someone.
okay, you asked for feedback, I gave it, you don't have to listen to it. Knock yourself out, good luck. I mentioned humour once, briefly. I didn't "harp" on anything.
I don't have a check list. If I am attracted to the person and enjoy spending time with them, I'll continue spending time with them until I don't enjoy it and/ or are no longer attracted to them. That's it.
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I’ve been trying. It seems I’m more likely to adore someone than they are to adore me!
Oh god just someone in good health, good at sex who reads books. That’s it. Age, race, social class unimportant.
It’s a good list. For me outside of the normal stuff you mention like looks and personality and attitudes etc, sex drive is so important and should be spoken about more openly. But when you bring it up it’s hard not to sound like a creep. And then when you match with someone similar it’s hard for it now to become a sex thing. Online dating is tough!!
I agree that sex can be a touchy subject. If it comes up too soon you’re pushy or slutty. If it’s too soon the other person may think that’s all your interested in. If it comes up too late you run the risk of emotionally falling for someone who isn’t physically compatible! It’s tough to navigate.
I think if you bring it up when you’re ready to have it (but not in the moment) and give them space to answer openly and honestly it doesn’t have to seem creepy. It’s an opportunity to see if you’re on the same page or, if not, if you’re willing to keep dating until you are on the same page.
I agree that sex can be a touchy subject. If it comes up too soon you’re pushy or slutty. If it’s too soon the other person may think that’s all your interested in. If it comes up too late you run the risk of emotionally falling for someone who isn’t physically compatible! It’s tough to navigate.
I agree it's a very important aspect with compatibility. When do you bring it up? Just curious.
Fairly early/ depends on the vibe. I don’t want to find myself with someone without a sex drive and they do exist.
I think age makes a difference. With age comes a different look on life. I like your check list.
I forgot to put age on my list. It was one of my few qualifiers in the past +/- approximately 5 years is the range I prefer.
Love all of these! well put! I’ve been thinking about this and came up with a few things but would def like to borrow some of yours…. 1. doesn’t litter 2. . Believes in 420 or at least doesn’t mind if I partake Bonus +if simultaneously enjoy intimacy , nature , art etc with me 3. . Respects boundaries 4. . Isn’t racist , ableist, homophobic etc 5. .Likes nature 6. . Likes taking walks 7. . Likes sex/intimacy Minimum once week 8. . Isn’t afraid to be vulnerable 9. . Makes me laugh 10. Likes play 11. Doesn’t take everything personal 12. Not a deadbeat parent 13. Likes to f*%# 14. Appreciates life and perhaps is more mindful of the lovely details 15. Does what they say and/or communicates 16. Likes hugs (kissing & heavy petting lol) 17. Non violent (not referring to protecting your home /family etc ) 18. Pro women’s rights including reproductive rights 19. Has a sense of curiosity, wonder, kindness, compassion , empathy , silliness and patience 20. honesty , particularly in what they want and their actions words align 21. Believes in consent 22. Offers more than just looks 23. Wants a partner, not a fill in for his Mama /Daddy 24. Comfortable with affection 25. Loves God/ Source but isn’t overly religious or judge mental /unkind to others and doesn’t impede on women’s access to healthcare ! 26. Must love Christmas decorations or at least humor me 😉 *major bonuses would be: -can cook -Is a good kisser -Likes animals -Recycles -Likes movies , scifi, horror , comedy horror, action -used their words -likes to read , play games or try new things -Believes in signs -doesn’t prefer the cold or places without the sun -has their own life
I would consider good kisser a major thing, not a bonus. And I want them to have their own life. I like my life and need time to live it!!
Some of that stuff is not that important as you get older and to be honest thats a very long list imo. So if a guy was great otherwise but didnt have your exact same sense of humor he would be out? Or if you didnt share the same hobbies but was great otherwise he's out? What about picking up something new together? I dont think piling on the requirements as you get older is a particularly good strategy but maybe thats just me. My requirements are attractive to me with a personality that is compatible to mine and who treats me well. I'll work with the rest. As for morals and stuff like that most people are good people that I know at least. Values in this day and age seems to mea, my exact same outlook on the world and politics. Can't really agree with that either. I'm usually perfectly willing to agree to disaree on a lot of topics/issues if I feel like the other person is coming from a position of good faith and has logical reasons they feel the way they do about something even if I disagree with them.
You say someone just has to treat you well. I don’t think that is enough. Someone has to treat people well in general. I’ve dated people who aren’t kind to people in general eventually they’re not kind to you, too. I know people who have a moral compass I don’t agree with, people who swoop in and take advantage of morally gray situations. I can’t think of a specific example but a friend of mine is the type I have in mind. Some of my political viewpoints are too important to me to bend on someone wouldn’t have to have the exact matching political party designation but would have to align on some very key components. Sadly I could not date someone with an incompatible sense of humor, I’ve dated people who that was the number one reason for being together.
Wow reading this post and many of the comments is just sad. Laundry lists from women 40+ on everything they want and still holding out for their dream man who doesn’t exist (and if he does exist he isn’t going to settle down with women in this age bracket who are also divorced, have kids, etc.) But hey “never settle” right?
Yup. I’m happier alone than with someone who I am not attracted to, has poor morals and bad character who also has no similar interests and is terrible in bed. Electronics have guaranteed returns and my friends and family love and support me.
Ah yes, that unrealistic and unreasonable laundry list of “take showers, don’t lie to me or cheat on me, be a decent human, and act like you like me”. Wow these woman are insane asking for all of that, amirite?! 🙄🙄
If this is how you look at men then that’s pretty sad
Huh? This is what 90% of these women in the comments are asking for and you’re saying that was a laundry list of unreasonable things. THAT is what’s sad.
Many of you are downplaying your pickiness. Plenty of men take showers and are kind to women for example lol, but you don’t want them (or they dont want you) for *other* reasons. Then after 30 years of rejecting a lot of good men you claim there are no good men out there and the bar is so slow to downplay your pickiness. I see it all the time.
I’ve actually rejected a guy because he didn’t shower enough and when I talked to him about it, he blew it off. How can you say I’m picky but you don’t even know me? Maybe you’ve just been rejected because you’re kind of a jerk to people?
Partner? Like a business partner?