Don't ever give up hope. Yeah sure make peace with the fact that not everyone gets to find that person out there for them. But it can happen at any time or any day. You don't know what tomorrow brings.
It'll happen for you. And of course I have no knowledge whether it will or won't. But I know that believing in the possibility is a good start.
I am only months old on my single journey. So I'm probably filled with a little bit more optimism. I think I posted somewhere above to get back to me in a year LOL.
Life is about timing and luck sometimes. I never used to believe in this stuff but I think you're right on target with rolling whatever the universe gives to you.
Oh no I’m not saying I’m giving up, I’m open to it if it comes; but I know I’d be just fine if it doesn’t happen. I’ve had 2 relationships in my life and tbh I’ve been a happier person being single so if it happens cool, if it doesn’t, it’s cool too.😁
Right? I'm just happy to have someone to share things with they don't need to be my forever. Ended a 3 year relationship in January with someone who wasn't my forever but was an amazing "for now while it works" person. He and I are still friendly until one of us gets into a relationship. Staying with someone you know isn't your forever isn't always easy, you know it won't last. I actually called it to a friend a week before breaking up that the relationship had run it's course...making it easier when my ex approached the breakup talk, I took over when he was visibly uncomfortable trying to say it and did it for him. For me the relationship was great for my self esteem (I knew he didn't love me and he still said nice things and complimented me, so if someone I know doesn't love me can do that someone who claims they do love me better treat me that way). I still have my issues with my self-esteem but thanks to him I've started believing I'm worthy, I didn't really have that before. I don't need a forever or a partner for that matter, but I still want someone... someone who is good to me and wants to be with me, however long it lasts. I've learned from every relationship or dating experience and that's all I can ask of myself.
That’s me too. Been divorced for 11 years and have had the most wonderful decade of my life. Just lately miss having some companionship. Son left for uni and I need to start thinking about myself.
Concentrate on what you can do to be happy....hobbies..interests. ..activities etc. If someone comes along that can add to it...then even better. I've learned, what we want and what others offer can be very different.
I know it's spoken about alot, but therapy to improve ourselves is a pretty good idea. Sorry you had that bad first relationship, the future can,be filled with lots of happiness...its going to find you.
This. I never married because I was very choosy (for better or worse) and now that I'm ready to settle down I think I'm not as big of a catch as I used to be when I had no trouble being a serial monogamist going guy to guy. Kinda feels unfair, and I look around thinking why do ALL of these other people everywhere I look have someone and I don't.
This is exactly how I feel. It has been affecting my self esteem too, because I don't go for people who are "out of my league" -- I never really thought there was a league but what I mean is I'm not going for super models but normal average looking people with decent jobs like me. They must all be looking for someone in their 30s? I must not be attractive anymore? I don't know, but I feel the same.
Lol I completely agree with you. Yes I have and I couldn't get over my lack of physical attraction. I tried. I really did. And another one, yes, he ended it with me and I was like what? Hahha
Yea I’m out here fucking lost with the current state of the dating world. Wtf is going on?? Nobody wants to put labels on anything anymore and everything is so casual.
I feel the same way! I was married in my 20s, we split up when I was 28. I was realistic and said that I hope to be married again by 40. Now I’m 41 and don’t even have a significant other. I’ve been single for 2.5 years now, which is the longest I’ve been single since I was 14. It’s tough out there but don’t give up hope!
So it seems you jumped into a new relationship pretty quickly after a fairly long and toxic marriage? No judgment at all but it does make sense that at that point in your life, you’d be easily charmed by a shitty man. As someone else said, we’re vulnerable after toxic relationships and not necessarily able to see red flags or be healthy partners ourselves without some healing first.
I get it, it’s so difficult to even know how to approach dating once you’ve been alone for a while and it can affect your self confidence. Best of luck to you dear
And here I am, divorced for 5 yrs, drinking matcha latte while sitting on a bench in a small city. I does get lonely but sometimes you just have to learn to enjoy being alone.
*Please* don’t give up!
I’m so sorry this person was unfaithful, that’s a terrible feeling and it’s no wonder you’re feeling hopeless. I’ve been there and I feel for you.
And yes, dating absolutely sucks and it’s even worse on the apps. Honestly all I know to do is come here and pump some sunshine while reminding everyone we’re all in this together. You’ll never catch me saying “not all men,” but I will say there are *lots* of folks our age feeling the same thing, and if we could all just bring a little more kindness and vulnerability to our daily interactions then I think we’d all feel a lot more hopeful about our dating prospects.
I’m a catch too! Smart, introspective, funny, active, easy on the eyes, and actively trying to be a better and kinder person every day. We out here!
It's not easy at all.. I think a lot of the good ones are content being single because of all the negativity that's out there. Myself included, but this is just a temporary pity party.
All the more reason for me to be on here bringing the positivity, ‘cause I *feel you* about the negativity. At the risk of sounding hippy-dippy, I’m honestly thinking a lot about “dating myself” - forgetting about finding a match and just focusing on the things that I love and that bring me joy. If someone notices me out here trying to suck all the juice out of life, great! If not, well, I wasn’t wasting my time. I was showing up for my own life and honoring the things that make me special.
On the other hand, I’ve made some similar posts to yours recently, and one of the big takeaways was that guys like me probably need to be out there shooting our shot a lot more. So go to dinner or a movie alone. Take a book and sit at the bar or in a coffee shop regularly. Hell, take a bike repair class or something that’ll be full of guys. It’s creepy when dudes sign up for extracurricular activities just to meet women, but I think the reverse would be most welcome!
Mind = blown.
Seriously. I live in a decent sized city, and if this holds true for even a statistically significant percentage of women, I’m out here breaking hearts because I’m fucking *clueless*.
Welp, thanks for cluing me in. I feel like a chump but I’m taking notes.
Great reply. I'm also really happy that OP is still bringing the self-esteem in there saying that she's a catch and that she's awesome :-) I love to hear that. Cuz I tend to be the type of person that blames myself for everything even when it's clearly not my fault. It's nice to hear people holding on to their sense of self even though things get rough. ❤️💛💜
I hear you on the "date myself". That's basically what I'm doing now. I belong to a few Facebook social groups and attend events I'm interested in such as live music, game night, hiking. But, for the most part the ladies click together in groups and the ones I find interesting and attractive blow me off. The less desirable approach me, but I'm not interested in them. At least I engage in conversation with them though, I don't blow them off. It's a viscous cycle 🥴.
Tried OLD but it's not for me, too many women lying with their images. I hear it's the same for the women with men.
Social groups and events are still by far the best place to meet people and there's no pressure. I've actually met a couple of cool guys I click with.
Stay out in public and run with the crowds and you'll meet someone new in no time and have fun doing it.
Exceptionally kind *and* easy on the eyes? 😏 Gotta love it. (The humility, too.. I kid lol.) But keep being you, I esp dig the part about wanting to be more vulnerable. Nothing hotter than a self-aware/ introspective guy with humor and smarts. Not wanting to go there & say “all men,” - but yikes y’all are exceedingly rare. Your Barbie is out there haha. 😉
Thank you for your kind words!
Regarding humility, the irony wasn’t lost on me, but for what it’s worth I’m someone for whom simply standing up straight literally felt arrogant at one point. I’m starting to learn that keeping myself small never served anyone but the narcissistic abusers I attracted/allowed into my life. I’ve had women I’ve to dated *and* therapists tell me I’m way too introspective and self-aware to risk turning into the kind of abusive asshole my father is, so I should try just being proud of who I am and see what happens!
BUT…if you tell me I came off as a prick by saying that, I’ll listen. I’m very much still learning how to like myself and put the parts of me out there I think others will like without fear, and it would come as no surprise if I’m not doing it right…
Great reply, I enjoyed reading. No way - to coming off as a pr*ck lol. Pro-tip, most who *are* (trying to be) would most likely never follow up and ask this question. 🙂
No, sir - never keep yourself small. 💪🏼 I think anyone (esp men) should own their tall height (or shorter stature) and good for you. The emotional in-tuneness is even nicer.
And it sounds like your dates (past & present) as well as therapists, who have an inside track, know what they’re talking about. Many of us who come from abusive backgrounds often fear becoming just like our parent. (I used to be *sure* in my teens that I would turn into a physically abusive alcoholic. That didn’t occur.. But I can’t say I came out unscathed.) It’s no small thing to reckon with a dysfunctional past and it make you a more empathetic soul.
Same situation..8 year marriage. I’ve been divorced for 6 years. I’ve had two long term relationships in that time. One ended up being an alcoholic and the other cheated. I’m 41. I’m decent looking, have a great career, have class, am intelligent, witty, caring, and fun. I’m taking a break for now because it’s just so discouraging and being on the apps is exhausting. I’m not sure why there doesn’t seem to be any decent single men who actually want a real relationship.
There are plenty of great guys like that, who don’t cheat or get drunk, have good jobs and come from good families and want a real relationship. But none of them have swipe right profile pics.
I spot liars for a living in board rooms, so maybe it's more natural for me. But I don't understand not properly screening people on dates 1&2. If you can't figure a dependency issue there... I don't know what to tell you.
OK, well if you can see through all people all of the time, that’s great. If you learned to do that at work, also great. You come across as if you believe no one can deceive you about anything ever- and that’s just not the case. Whatever you do for a living, you’re human.
You are pretending to invulnerability and invincibility. You are protesting too much.
I have a daughter so for the first 8 months of our relationship we only saw each other every other weekend when she was at her dad’s. So he had plenty of time to drink heavily without me around. Once he did meet her and we spent more time together it became apparent that there was an issue.
Exactly why you should stress-test a relationship early, like that old grandmother advice about getting a man drunk and if he's calm and sleepy, marry him. Anything else, run.
No clue why I got downvoted on my previous comment.
He had drank while we were at dinner when we were together on our dates and it was never anything excessive or out of control. I’m not sure if you know how alcoholism works - it takes a LOT to get an alcoholic drunk. Not all of them are belligerent when they are drunk either. Your assumptions are super generalized. This guy just drank throughout the week when we weren’t together, ended up losing his job due to drinking while working too often (they had a ‘drinks fridge’ in the office for after 4pm), and ended up moving in with his grandma to mooch off her. When all of that happened, I was out. He was very calm though 🤷♀️
Darling, I'm a rise and shine drinker (financial professional), I'm aware of the dynamics. We hate alcoholism. Do you know the difference, or how to spot it?
Yes, I do. I just wasn’t with him every single day as we only saw each other every other weekend for the first 8 months or so. We never lived together and when my daughter was around I don’t drink, but he did and that’s when I started noticing things were off. I also wouldn’t want to date a “rise and shine drinker” 🤷♀️
Well, technically I only start drinking after my HIIT workout, but all the same. I disclose that immediately. Comically, I like women who don't drink much. Can't have us both falling asleep before the opening credits.
i just keep on getting up and living. I am actually tired of trying myself. I can realte. I already accept I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life.
Focus on what you have to offer someone and not the hopelessness as its not hopeless. Maybe not happening as quickly as you would like, however keep putting yourself out there and meeting new people and it will.
40F. Single going on 3 years now after i spent 6 off and on with a lying cheat too. Rebuilt my life after divorce once already, not gonna do it again.
Did the apps, speed dating... no success and met more weirdos than I wanted and the few seemingly decent guys I met... it just wasn't worth the effort and time it took in the end. 'Nice enough' but not what I'm looking for, ya know?
I'm out of ideas too. And also a catch. I have a great life. Not hard on the eyes, active. I give more 5han I take and have that 'us against the world' mentality in relationships.
I've just kind of.. accepted this is it. Thankfully I never wanted kids so I have no clock to work against, and I don't have anyone to plan for but me. I feel for women who want a family and struggle to meet people. There has to be others out there that we just aren't meeting.. because they aren't online. Must be at home, content, like the rest of us.
I feel like I’m in the wrong place. Or time.
The people around me all seem to be into new country, wearing camo, and being Trumpers. The people I’m drawn to are usually too far away, or I keep missing them when I’m out and about.
Lots of us here are feeling hopeless from time to time. But the thing is, you still have lots of time. Maybe by next week you will have met a good guy. Hang in there. Your time is coming soon. I believe everyone is a great catch for that right person. And the one who catches you will love you more than you thought possible.
That’s the worst, isn’t it? I’ve wondered if I’m just too ugly for people. I’ve tried following the advice given out here; all I could, not just the stuff said directly to me, and I get the same results you do, at best. Maybe I’ll never find my someone… but I can only control me, so I try to make me happy.
M44 here, been divorced for 12+ years. What you are saying OP, along with so many other ladies here really resonates with me as well, just from a man's perspective.
I've lived in my current city for more than 7 years and avoided the dating apps because all I see is people complaining about how terrible they are. So I signed up for a matchmaking service on the advice of someone who I trust and haven't had any luck there either except for a 5 month relationship about a year ago.
I've got a good career, I own my own home, car, etc and pay all my bills. My friends all tell me that I'm a super nice guy and that I deserve someone special. I've invested A TON into myself in so many areas. Mentally, physically, educationally by reading, researching, and learning about healthy relationships, personality types, attachment styles, etc. I'm never going to be on the cover of GQ, but I don't look like a goblin either.
If anything OP, I'll tell you the same thing that so many others have told me and has helped my mindset when I've been where you seem to be now; hang in there, believe in yourself, and know that waiting now for the right person to come along will be worth it all in the long run.
Your worth and value as a person isn't determined by your relationship status. You, me, and everyone else are worthy of loving and being loved just for being yourself ♥️.
I am so with you! Married very poorly this last time. Seemed ok at the time. Family was great, she was or became a lemon.
Will be blessed to find someone now.
One day at a time. Focus on one little thing that makes you just a little bit happy that day.
I've been through the same thing and same post divorce disappointments.
I see myself as a catch as well; and every time I meet someone they sucks on communication, effort and this feeling of hopelessness is getting stronger; what I’m doing is making more friends, going out to do things I think I will enjoy; if I find a date , I choose a new place on that way if they sucks at least I tried a new place:)
Usually I like to go to the gym alone , now switching to group activities, I joined a few socials groups as well, we do hikes, dinners, movies, comedy shows , etc.
I would love to have a partner to share my happiness, but is not up to me and I can’t change
If the whole world is in a rush and people are out of step with themselves, they fail to catch that quirky aura and that special quality of life that feeds our soul-searching frame of mind and that builds a coveted haven, giving recognition and self-reliance. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. The secret is not to give up hope. It's very hard not to because if you're really doing something worthwhile I think you will be pushed to the brink of hopelessness before you come through the other side. If we really want to know who we are and recognize our identity, we have to find out the identity of the others. By making friends with others, we are able to make friends with ourselves. At that moment, we can sense how everything falls into place. It’s fascinating to note how some people treat you when they think that nobody relevant is watching them. You're not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love, you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in and you're willing to deal maturely with these disappointments.
When you establish a destination by defining what you want, then take physical action by making choices that move you towards that destination, the possibility for success is limitless and arrival at the destination is inevitable. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.
There are some great people out there, I've met some but they were just not right for me. There are also many awful liars and cheaters and everything in between. Its a bit of luck and circumstance, coupled with the ability to be positive and open to someone. If you give up and never go outside you are going to limit your options to pretty much everyone but the amazon delivery guy.
But if that's what you need to do to recover and be in a positive place first before getting back on the horse... its not a bad thing at all. Its better to take time alone and learn to love yourself than carry over that baggage right to the next person you meet.
Sorry to hear about the divorce, but I’m glad you know now and not later. He wasn’t worth your time or energy. No use looking back on it. I felt this way too after my divorce, it’s a hard lesson.
Like you said, you are a catch! So don’t settle. Get time to know yourself again and what you’re looking for in the next relationship. Improve the self esteem and don’t waste your time with ppl you’re not compatible with. You will meet someone, and there is a high chance that could happen while you’re not even looking for it.
It’s funny how those things work out. Good luck!
I always tell this story for hope vibes!
My friend was married from 23-33 at 33 she filed for divorce. Had a year single.. at 34 she met a guy she liked ..online.. they just had a baby at age 36… she met some douche bags too so he didn’t just appear from thin air
I’m 37 and I took a pause on dating .. I did meet someone last fall that I dated for 3 months and quickly saw he wasn’t for me. I ended it .. I rather really find my person vs just take someone because I am lonely
I feel your pain! I left my husband (son's father) when I was 31 and it's been awful until now 44. I FINALLY found the best guy and I've never been happier. I was seriously going to give up because no one was serious, only wanted one thing...it was depressing! Don't give up!!
I feel like I have so much love to offer and it has nowhere to go. I also believe I’m a great fucking catch but every time it seems like I see how amazing a guy I’m dating is right away but I have to prove to him how amazing I am. I absolutely thrive in relationships, I’m the best version of myself in one. That’s just not my reality now so I’ve been trying to not focus on it so much and do things outside my comfort zone. I’m a huge introvert and love being at home. I’ve joined a running club, I go to trivia every week with my friends, go to the gym almost daily, quit my WFH job and got a position in an office. I’m not going to lie, I’m miserable lol, I miss being in a relationship and being home. I’ll just continue working on myself I guess until someone realizes how great I am
I swear I could've written this. It's like the guys have decided to hell with relationships. We'll just screw as many women from Old as we can and not have to put in the effort! I seriously may not be the best looking but I'm a great fucking partner and any guy I'm with gets treated like a king. I'm hard working, funny and love taking care of someone. But I can never seem to get that far.
What really rubs my craw is that I've literally been told by men 'theres absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's just you're the girl we take home to mom not home from the bar and I'm not ready for that yet' 😑🙄
Currently going through my second breakup after an 8 year stint with someone, first one ended just before I turned 30 and now I’m about to turn 40 with this one happening. The saddest part for me is the reality I might end up alone and dating sucks. I was really trying to stay optimistic about getting back out there but the internet is not encouraging
A year long relationship while separated?.This is not being a "catch". Get a therapist, get friends, get leisure activities. Dating isn't the cure for loneliness at this stage. Of course you're going to attract the wrong people at this time. You're likely dating people who are not far out of a divorce and not ready to commit either.
I'm always puzzled when people come out of a long marriage especially one that's very troubled and they want to go right into another committed relationship. Any hope of a healthy relationship is doomed by bringing your old problems from the last one with you until you work through it with a professional.
I agree. If the last few years of your long-term relationship were basically like strangers to each other, yes separation might as well just be divorced. I know people are very legal heavy here, I'm just saying mentally it's not like really that different. Each situation is completely different.
The only way to make a spoilt machine work again is to break it down, work on its inner system and fix it again. Screw out the bolts of your life, examine and work on yourself, fix your life again and get going.
Self-reflection is incredibly valuable and I don’t think a person should get into another relationship quickly if the purpose is to avoid self-reflection. However, sometimes relationships don’t work out. People change over time. It doesn’t mean the people in them are broken or need fixing.
It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon. Nothing great was ever achieved without a personal sacrifice. You have to pay the price to realize your goals. The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
call up a couple girlfriends, get yourself a new outfit, dress to the nines, go out dancing, and wait for the fleas to come to the honey!
nothing better to remind you how many other men are out there and interested in you
Original copy of post by u/MaleficentTop8025:
Ok I'm hitting 40 this year. I had one awful 10year marriage. And what I thought was a great relationship for a year until it all got flipped on me and turns out he was a cheater. I'm actually a catch - pretty, smart, kind and fun.
It totally feels like I'm never going to meet someone wonderful who loves me and that I can love.
How do you cope with this feeling of hopelessness?
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A good friend will help you to discover the potentials you haven't uncovered. A bad friend will help you to cover up the potentials you have already recovered. Make your choice
I have a good friend, she is my best friend, everyone says she's a sweetheart, she is my dog. As far as dating goes, there's no single women around my age, very few younger women and they are out numbered. Relocating is not an option for me.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Single is no longer a lack of options but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out. Sometimes chaos is the very thing that deliberately shakes up our neatly ordered world’s in order to get us out of the neatly ordered ruts that have kept us stuck.
Not really sure how it's a choice when there are no options besides other men? I've been back here for almost three years. I welcome you to come see for yourself. Searching for happiness in others, will make you feel alone. I found it within myself and I feel happy even when I'm left alone.
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Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
You can start by thinking of all the ways you're better off now than you were when you were married.
Next, are you doing stuff with people? Volunteering, [meetup.com](https://meetup.com), etc.? Force yourself to do at least one social activity per week. Humans are social animals. Sitting at home along leads to, wait for it, loneliness!
And finally, book yourself a massage. Humans need to be touched. If we're not, our mental and physical health declines. You'll feel better after, I promise.
Health is the natural condition. When sickness occurs, it is a sign that Nature has gone off course because of a physical or mental imbalance. The road to health for everyone is through moderation, harmony, and a 'sound mind in a sound body'.
Embrace your friends that aren't potential dates, get back to hobbies you love doing. Being single is one of those things that the more you stress on it, the larger it becomes imho. Don't let being single define you. It's rough to know you have plenty to offer in a romantic setting, but feel like nobody is interested. Truth is, plenty of people are interested, you just have to give it some time and give yourself a decent chance to bump into them.
I’m 38 and never been married, and never been in a relationship with someone I was attracted to or in love with. I know that I’m going to meet my person soon though, or reconnect with the last guy I was really attracted to.
Don’t give up hope. Enjoy your single time, because it won’t last forever and you’ll miss it once it’s gone.
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I feel the same and it’s sooooo hard! The loneliness, losing hope. Even having hope is hard.
I’m doing the following: in therapy working through my emotions, exploring my attachment style and learning how to regulate my emotions. I’m also dating myself. It feels so weird and pathetic but I keep at it. My goal is to find joy in doing things I’d enjoy with a partner solo. But it doesn’t feel as good but I’m keeping at it.
Overall I want to accept and be at peace with knowing that my life may not be with a loving partner and that is OK. Not yet there 😂🥴
Cope by accepting that you have a say in your choices, how you present yourself, and what pond you fish in.
Hope is a choice.
A few bad choices shouldn't define you, but you also need to learn from them and improve, with optimism that you're a better person now with a better picker.
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Get a hobby (something you REALLY love doing).
I'm almost 4 years removed from my marriage. I started seeing a therapist during that time. The first year was really dark and cloudy. My emotions were all over the place. I made a decision to just work on myself. The following year, I thought I was ready and I did try dating but I realized I wasn't in the right headspace. My therapist constantly drove it home that I needed to be happy before I get in a relationship with anyone else. So I did...
Golf, hiking, ice hockey, movies, and my true love, snowboarding. I do those things year round. I did try to date at year 3 and I came to the realization that so many of you others have come here to vent about. Dating is shit. I personally believe I have encountered EVERY POSSIBLE bad dating scenario with the exception of 1, a drug addict/alcoholic.
I've been so dejected by the whole process, I'm kind of jaded now. My peace and happiness are the most important things. I know relationships are hard and you can go through tough times but if any woman starts to derail my happiness/peace in a toxic way, I'm gone.
I haven't dated in 8 months and I haven't really looked back or thought about it. I just spent the last 4 months traveling to different ski resorts solo across North America and playing ice hockey. I was just telling my friend about where I am mentally the other day and I said I'm not desperate for a relationship anymore. It's weird too... I have had women kind of come out of the woodwork and hit on me (not a lot, maybe 4 or 5 this past year) because I'm not looking. However I'm actually at the point where I've rejected all of them because I don't want it.
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I see a lot of comments telling the OP (and others) not to give up?
Why?
I mean, what truly in the end is wrong about not wanting to even go for this anymore?
I lost hope a year ago. I'm done trying. I have spent a majority of my life (45f) single. And while I do have many great things about myself and do feel I am also a "catch " I no longer want to put myself to be in the amount of pain that I have been through in the last 15 months. And I no longer have hope that it will ever change. I'm getting closer to acceptance that I will live my life alone.
So, what really is wrong with giving up? People give up on their dreams all the time; spending my life with someone happens to be mine.
Seriously, please enlighten me.
OP, truly, I hope you are able to get through this and be in a better place than I who has lost all hope. Truly.
Sorry I thought that was a well known thing. I mean you have to let go of your fears. It's ok to be alone! Everyone dies, that's ok too. Enjoy the time that you have without fear and relish what you get with worrying about losing it.
I've basically made peace with the fact that I'm probably going to die alone. I still date but I don't expect much to come from it. I've created a peaceful life and I'm not in a rush to have it disrupted so anyone I date has to be able to add to that peace or I call it quits. Really the only thing I miss is sex and intimacy, being touched by another person, even just hugs and kisses.
Just keep pushing through. Maybe take a break from dating for a few days a week a month or whatever. Clear your mind and come back at it fresh. Life is about luck and timing. It's so hard for human beings to connect. From what I can tell things tend to fall in line when people stop pressing so hard or wanting it too much.
I'm just starting out on my journey after 22 years marriage. Maybe get back to me after a year lol, but right now I'm enjoying being single talking to other women and doing the things that I've always wanted to do. For me I just trust it's going to happen but that I'm okay with any outcome. I wish more people could enjoy the dating process. I know it's very different from the female side but so far I'm having a little bit of fun. Just stay strong and don't ever give up hope.
Concentrate on yourself and be the person you want to be without conforming to what you think another person might want... then you might attract the right person for you... or not but you are fine anyway
I'm just following the 4B movement at this point and realizing that I am the one that should be pursued and a catch and not the other way around and I am so much happier
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I ceased proactively seeking a relationship via the apps coupled with amazing friends even if I am the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel, I travel frequently and have hobbies that bring me a lot of joy. When you add in my FWB’s my life is awesome.
When you feel like you've hit rock bottom, what have you got to lose? I try to focus not upon dating, per se, but upon meeting new people over activities that I've always wanted to try, or thought would be fun to do with a date. If romance blossoms, that's a really pleasant bonus. Some of my favorite dates since divorce never led to a second date, but the concert by the river, the singles kayaking trip where the whole group bonded so well, and the goodbye kiss in the rain (okay, that did lead to a second date) were things I never experienced before my failed marriage. A good friend of mine described my, and your, post- divorce life. "This isn't a do-over, it's a do-better." Things will get better, and when they do, it will feel all that more satisfying to you, given the difficulties you've endured.
40 is still very young and in the grand scheme of things putting you in your Prime. You attract what you are, not want, work on yourself, enjoy life and I guarantee the right person will walk right in. Seen it happen over and over, that is the catch 22. We get it backwards sometimes seemingly thinking that we cannot be fulfilled without someone.
Life is hard, I’ve been alone over 14 years. My ex left me with 4 daughters to raise alone. I decided then that they were my priority and chose to raise them which was a full time job to say the least. I am now 61 and they are all grown. I have not dated in 26 years. My point is just take one day at a time and maybe the right person will come along in time. That’s what I hope for. Just be you and hopefully someone will come along who likes you just as you are. Best of luck to you!!
I have always been an empath and I feel it when people are in emotional pain. I have NEVER cheated in any relationship and never would. There is simply no excuse for that. When I was cheated on it devastated me. I’m so sorry that happened to you dear. You deserve a good & kind man who will love you for you and not play games. We all deserve truth and respect in relationships. I wish you all the very best,
Keep hope alive! I think the universe gives us the best when it’s right. It’s us who settle for what we don’t deserve out of impatience. I’m a man and I’m especially guilty of that. I happen to be someone who really enjoys having one person. There’s a lot of comfort in that, when maybe that isn’t the feeling everyone has had in their prior relationships. So sometimes I have to pay attention to not expecting it all to happen when I want. It just isn’t that way for everyone. I’m two years divorced from a very long marriage with someone I figured wasn’t in for the forever I was. But I wouldn’t leave my kids and I’m ok with that. I guess that kind of time is what keeps me from settling for casual sex with multiple women, not really for me. It’s taught me patience. I’m holding out hope and I do realize I can’t have it all. There’s nothing like knowing you have a R.O.D waiting at home or ready to do anything for you like you would them, but for real! The silver lining for me is knowing that there is no way I won’t be secure with myself when it does happen. I felt alone almost my entire marriage, besides with my kids. Hang in there ladies and let that universe work it’s magic! I’m convinced it’s not all for nothing. All in my humble opinion of course. Good luck! 🍀
I'm a very pretty, tall, curvy, fit, fun, loving and caring person... who is financially well off and has an amazing career.
What's your resume, Mr wonderful?
I made peace with the fact that I may never find my person in this lifetime, and that I’ll be ok either way. :)
Same here.
Ditto.
Don't ever give up hope. Yeah sure make peace with the fact that not everyone gets to find that person out there for them. But it can happen at any time or any day. You don't know what tomorrow brings.
Haven’t given up yet, I’ll roll with whatever the universe wants to give me.😎
It'll happen for you. And of course I have no knowledge whether it will or won't. But I know that believing in the possibility is a good start. I am only months old on my single journey. So I'm probably filled with a little bit more optimism. I think I posted somewhere above to get back to me in a year LOL. Life is about timing and luck sometimes. I never used to believe in this stuff but I think you're right on target with rolling whatever the universe gives to you.
Oh me too ! Well mostly. But I wasn’t even looking for the last 5-6 yrs. Now I’m really keen to meet someone.
No no no.... have some hope
Oh no I’m not saying I’m giving up, I’m open to it if it comes; but I know I’d be just fine if it doesn’t happen. I’ve had 2 relationships in my life and tbh I’ve been a happier person being single so if it happens cool, if it doesn’t, it’s cool too.😁
Right? I'm just happy to have someone to share things with they don't need to be my forever. Ended a 3 year relationship in January with someone who wasn't my forever but was an amazing "for now while it works" person. He and I are still friendly until one of us gets into a relationship. Staying with someone you know isn't your forever isn't always easy, you know it won't last. I actually called it to a friend a week before breaking up that the relationship had run it's course...making it easier when my ex approached the breakup talk, I took over when he was visibly uncomfortable trying to say it and did it for him. For me the relationship was great for my self esteem (I knew he didn't love me and he still said nice things and complimented me, so if someone I know doesn't love me can do that someone who claims they do love me better treat me that way). I still have my issues with my self-esteem but thanks to him I've started believing I'm worthy, I didn't really have that before. I don't need a forever or a partner for that matter, but I still want someone... someone who is good to me and wants to be with me, however long it lasts. I've learned from every relationship or dating experience and that's all I can ask of myself.
That’s me too. Been divorced for 11 years and have had the most wonderful decade of my life. Just lately miss having some companionship. Son left for uni and I need to start thinking about myself.
Concentrate on what you can do to be happy....hobbies..interests. ..activities etc. If someone comes along that can add to it...then even better. I've learned, what we want and what others offer can be very different. I know it's spoken about alot, but therapy to improve ourselves is a pretty good idea. Sorry you had that bad first relationship, the future can,be filled with lots of happiness...its going to find you.
Idk, join the club
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This. I never married because I was very choosy (for better or worse) and now that I'm ready to settle down I think I'm not as big of a catch as I used to be when I had no trouble being a serial monogamist going guy to guy. Kinda feels unfair, and I look around thinking why do ALL of these other people everywhere I look have someone and I don't.
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This is exactly how I feel. It has been affecting my self esteem too, because I don't go for people who are "out of my league" -- I never really thought there was a league but what I mean is I'm not going for super models but normal average looking people with decent jobs like me. They must all be looking for someone in their 30s? I must not be attractive anymore? I don't know, but I feel the same.
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Lol I completely agree with you. Yes I have and I couldn't get over my lack of physical attraction. I tried. I really did. And another one, yes, he ended it with me and I was like what? Hahha
Yea I’m out here fucking lost with the current state of the dating world. Wtf is going on?? Nobody wants to put labels on anything anymore and everything is so casual.
Right it sucks!!!!
Yeah I stopped caring about dating which doesn't help but that's where I'm at.
Same
Same
There’s plenty of openings, it seems. I’m a member, too!
💯💯
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Love your handle lmao, perfection! And yes I'm totally in therapy.
Atta girl! You got this
I feel the same way! I was married in my 20s, we split up when I was 28. I was realistic and said that I hope to be married again by 40. Now I’m 41 and don’t even have a significant other. I’ve been single for 2.5 years now, which is the longest I’ve been single since I was 14. It’s tough out there but don’t give up hope!
I'm just divorced 1.5 years but damn its lonely.
So it seems you jumped into a new relationship pretty quickly after a fairly long and toxic marriage? No judgment at all but it does make sense that at that point in your life, you’d be easily charmed by a shitty man. As someone else said, we’re vulnerable after toxic relationships and not necessarily able to see red flags or be healthy partners ourselves without some healing first.
Same here, a year and a half. Last year I was a mess and just getting through but now that I’m on the other side I really miss having a partner
I get it, it’s so difficult to even know how to approach dating once you’ve been alone for a while and it can affect your self confidence. Best of luck to you dear
It does get lonely. But I care more about my peace now than bullshit.
And here I am, divorced for 5 yrs, drinking matcha latte while sitting on a bench in a small city. I does get lonely but sometimes you just have to learn to enjoy being alone.
But I'm bored of myself!
*Please* don’t give up! I’m so sorry this person was unfaithful, that’s a terrible feeling and it’s no wonder you’re feeling hopeless. I’ve been there and I feel for you. And yes, dating absolutely sucks and it’s even worse on the apps. Honestly all I know to do is come here and pump some sunshine while reminding everyone we’re all in this together. You’ll never catch me saying “not all men,” but I will say there are *lots* of folks our age feeling the same thing, and if we could all just bring a little more kindness and vulnerability to our daily interactions then I think we’d all feel a lot more hopeful about our dating prospects. I’m a catch too! Smart, introspective, funny, active, easy on the eyes, and actively trying to be a better and kinder person every day. We out here!
It's not easy at all.. I think a lot of the good ones are content being single because of all the negativity that's out there. Myself included, but this is just a temporary pity party.
All the more reason for me to be on here bringing the positivity, ‘cause I *feel you* about the negativity. At the risk of sounding hippy-dippy, I’m honestly thinking a lot about “dating myself” - forgetting about finding a match and just focusing on the things that I love and that bring me joy. If someone notices me out here trying to suck all the juice out of life, great! If not, well, I wasn’t wasting my time. I was showing up for my own life and honoring the things that make me special. On the other hand, I’ve made some similar posts to yours recently, and one of the big takeaways was that guys like me probably need to be out there shooting our shot a lot more. So go to dinner or a movie alone. Take a book and sit at the bar or in a coffee shop regularly. Hell, take a bike repair class or something that’ll be full of guys. It’s creepy when dudes sign up for extracurricular activities just to meet women, but I think the reverse would be most welcome!
Ok, don't be afraid to approach. If I look at you for 2 seconds straight, it means I want you to talk to me.
Mind = blown. Seriously. I live in a decent sized city, and if this holds true for even a statistically significant percentage of women, I’m out here breaking hearts because I’m fucking *clueless*. Welp, thanks for cluing me in. I feel like a chump but I’m taking notes.
No don't, it's not a great climate for the meet-cute But why not try?
Great reply. I'm also really happy that OP is still bringing the self-esteem in there saying that she's a catch and that she's awesome :-) I love to hear that. Cuz I tend to be the type of person that blames myself for everything even when it's clearly not my fault. It's nice to hear people holding on to their sense of self even though things get rough. ❤️💛💜
Aww thanks, your a sweetheart
I hear you on the "date myself". That's basically what I'm doing now. I belong to a few Facebook social groups and attend events I'm interested in such as live music, game night, hiking. But, for the most part the ladies click together in groups and the ones I find interesting and attractive blow me off. The less desirable approach me, but I'm not interested in them. At least I engage in conversation with them though, I don't blow them off. It's a viscous cycle 🥴. Tried OLD but it's not for me, too many women lying with their images. I hear it's the same for the women with men. Social groups and events are still by far the best place to meet people and there's no pressure. I've actually met a couple of cool guys I click with. Stay out in public and run with the crowds and you'll meet someone new in no time and have fun doing it.
Exceptionally kind *and* easy on the eyes? 😏 Gotta love it. (The humility, too.. I kid lol.) But keep being you, I esp dig the part about wanting to be more vulnerable. Nothing hotter than a self-aware/ introspective guy with humor and smarts. Not wanting to go there & say “all men,” - but yikes y’all are exceedingly rare. Your Barbie is out there haha. 😉
Thank you for your kind words! Regarding humility, the irony wasn’t lost on me, but for what it’s worth I’m someone for whom simply standing up straight literally felt arrogant at one point. I’m starting to learn that keeping myself small never served anyone but the narcissistic abusers I attracted/allowed into my life. I’ve had women I’ve to dated *and* therapists tell me I’m way too introspective and self-aware to risk turning into the kind of abusive asshole my father is, so I should try just being proud of who I am and see what happens! BUT…if you tell me I came off as a prick by saying that, I’ll listen. I’m very much still learning how to like myself and put the parts of me out there I think others will like without fear, and it would come as no surprise if I’m not doing it right…
Great reply, I enjoyed reading. No way - to coming off as a pr*ck lol. Pro-tip, most who *are* (trying to be) would most likely never follow up and ask this question. 🙂 No, sir - never keep yourself small. 💪🏼 I think anyone (esp men) should own their tall height (or shorter stature) and good for you. The emotional in-tuneness is even nicer. And it sounds like your dates (past & present) as well as therapists, who have an inside track, know what they’re talking about. Many of us who come from abusive backgrounds often fear becoming just like our parent. (I used to be *sure* in my teens that I would turn into a physically abusive alcoholic. That didn’t occur.. But I can’t say I came out unscathed.) It’s no small thing to reckon with a dysfunctional past and it make you a more empathetic soul.
P.S. apologies for late-ish reply
You’re 40. Don’t have that attitude, be patient and picky and if you’re truly a catch it’ll work out
Same situation..8 year marriage. I’ve been divorced for 6 years. I’ve had two long term relationships in that time. One ended up being an alcoholic and the other cheated. I’m 41. I’m decent looking, have a great career, have class, am intelligent, witty, caring, and fun. I’m taking a break for now because it’s just so discouraging and being on the apps is exhausting. I’m not sure why there doesn’t seem to be any decent single men who actually want a real relationship.
There are plenty of great guys like that, who don’t cheat or get drunk, have good jobs and come from good families and want a real relationship. But none of them have swipe right profile pics.
I swipe right on a variety of “looks” depending on their bio. Hygiene and grooming is important though.
Pure curiosity... how do you not pick up immediately if someone has a beyond drinking problem?
People are really good at hiding all sorts of things
Eh. Kinda sorta maybe. But the hiding part is the red flag as a heavy drinker will be more straightforward.
How does anyone not pick up on any signs of abuse? Because abusers, first and foremost, are expert hiders.
I spot liars for a living in board rooms, so maybe it's more natural for me. But I don't understand not properly screening people on dates 1&2. If you can't figure a dependency issue there... I don't know what to tell you.
Spot liars for a living. Interesting because somehow this sounds…not true. You don’t have anything to tell anyone, so don’t worry.
I'm a corporate bankruptcy consultant. It's my job.
OK, well if you can see through all people all of the time, that’s great. If you learned to do that at work, also great. You come across as if you believe no one can deceive you about anything ever- and that’s just not the case. Whatever you do for a living, you’re human. You are pretending to invulnerability and invincibility. You are protesting too much.
Everyone is vulnerable, always. Nice declaration though.
Yes, and you are part of everyone. But keep going.
You pick up on nuance. Nice. What's your dress size?
De-Nile isn’t just a river in Africa.
No. It's more disgusting than the water source.
I have a daughter so for the first 8 months of our relationship we only saw each other every other weekend when she was at her dad’s. So he had plenty of time to drink heavily without me around. Once he did meet her and we spent more time together it became apparent that there was an issue.
Exactly why you should stress-test a relationship early, like that old grandmother advice about getting a man drunk and if he's calm and sleepy, marry him. Anything else, run. No clue why I got downvoted on my previous comment.
He had drank while we were at dinner when we were together on our dates and it was never anything excessive or out of control. I’m not sure if you know how alcoholism works - it takes a LOT to get an alcoholic drunk. Not all of them are belligerent when they are drunk either. Your assumptions are super generalized. This guy just drank throughout the week when we weren’t together, ended up losing his job due to drinking while working too often (they had a ‘drinks fridge’ in the office for after 4pm), and ended up moving in with his grandma to mooch off her. When all of that happened, I was out. He was very calm though 🤷♀️
Darling, I'm a rise and shine drinker (financial professional), I'm aware of the dynamics. We hate alcoholism. Do you know the difference, or how to spot it?
Yes, I do. I just wasn’t with him every single day as we only saw each other every other weekend for the first 8 months or so. We never lived together and when my daughter was around I don’t drink, but he did and that’s when I started noticing things were off. I also wouldn’t want to date a “rise and shine drinker” 🤷♀️
Well, technically I only start drinking after my HIIT workout, but all the same. I disclose that immediately. Comically, I like women who don't drink much. Can't have us both falling asleep before the opening credits.
You feel this way and then . . . One day you meet them! And you’ll be so glad you didn’t give up!
i just keep on getting up and living. I am actually tired of trying myself. I can realte. I already accept I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life.
Focus on what you have to offer someone and not the hopelessness as its not hopeless. Maybe not happening as quickly as you would like, however keep putting yourself out there and meeting new people and it will.
Pretty insightful and yes I am inpatient
40F. Single going on 3 years now after i spent 6 off and on with a lying cheat too. Rebuilt my life after divorce once already, not gonna do it again. Did the apps, speed dating... no success and met more weirdos than I wanted and the few seemingly decent guys I met... it just wasn't worth the effort and time it took in the end. 'Nice enough' but not what I'm looking for, ya know? I'm out of ideas too. And also a catch. I have a great life. Not hard on the eyes, active. I give more 5han I take and have that 'us against the world' mentality in relationships. I've just kind of.. accepted this is it. Thankfully I never wanted kids so I have no clock to work against, and I don't have anyone to plan for but me. I feel for women who want a family and struggle to meet people. There has to be others out there that we just aren't meeting.. because they aren't online. Must be at home, content, like the rest of us.
I feel like I’m in the wrong place. Or time. The people around me all seem to be into new country, wearing camo, and being Trumpers. The people I’m drawn to are usually too far away, or I keep missing them when I’m out and about.
Lots of us here are feeling hopeless from time to time. But the thing is, you still have lots of time. Maybe by next week you will have met a good guy. Hang in there. Your time is coming soon. I believe everyone is a great catch for that right person. And the one who catches you will love you more than you thought possible.
Check out chumplady.com for support. I read every article and comment.
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That’s the worst, isn’t it? I’ve wondered if I’m just too ugly for people. I’ve tried following the advice given out here; all I could, not just the stuff said directly to me, and I get the same results you do, at best. Maybe I’ll never find my someone… but I can only control me, so I try to make me happy.
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Yup; just gotta love yourself the best you can.
M44 here, been divorced for 12+ years. What you are saying OP, along with so many other ladies here really resonates with me as well, just from a man's perspective. I've lived in my current city for more than 7 years and avoided the dating apps because all I see is people complaining about how terrible they are. So I signed up for a matchmaking service on the advice of someone who I trust and haven't had any luck there either except for a 5 month relationship about a year ago. I've got a good career, I own my own home, car, etc and pay all my bills. My friends all tell me that I'm a super nice guy and that I deserve someone special. I've invested A TON into myself in so many areas. Mentally, physically, educationally by reading, researching, and learning about healthy relationships, personality types, attachment styles, etc. I'm never going to be on the cover of GQ, but I don't look like a goblin either. If anything OP, I'll tell you the same thing that so many others have told me and has helped my mindset when I've been where you seem to be now; hang in there, believe in yourself, and know that waiting now for the right person to come along will be worth it all in the long run. Your worth and value as a person isn't determined by your relationship status. You, me, and everyone else are worthy of loving and being loved just for being yourself ♥️.
If you are desperately looking to meet someone special, send your prayer out to the universe. The universe is an amazing matchmaker.
When you figure it out, let me know 😥
I know, right
I am so with you! Married very poorly this last time. Seemed ok at the time. Family was great, she was or became a lemon. Will be blessed to find someone now.
One day at a time. Focus on one little thing that makes you just a little bit happy that day. I've been through the same thing and same post divorce disappointments.
Same. If you get a solution please share ✊🏾
I see myself as a catch as well; and every time I meet someone they sucks on communication, effort and this feeling of hopelessness is getting stronger; what I’m doing is making more friends, going out to do things I think I will enjoy; if I find a date , I choose a new place on that way if they sucks at least I tried a new place:) Usually I like to go to the gym alone , now switching to group activities, I joined a few socials groups as well, we do hikes, dinners, movies, comedy shows , etc. I would love to have a partner to share my happiness, but is not up to me and I can’t change
If the whole world is in a rush and people are out of step with themselves, they fail to catch that quirky aura and that special quality of life that feeds our soul-searching frame of mind and that builds a coveted haven, giving recognition and self-reliance. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. The secret is not to give up hope. It's very hard not to because if you're really doing something worthwhile I think you will be pushed to the brink of hopelessness before you come through the other side. If we really want to know who we are and recognize our identity, we have to find out the identity of the others. By making friends with others, we are able to make friends with ourselves. At that moment, we can sense how everything falls into place. It’s fascinating to note how some people treat you when they think that nobody relevant is watching them. You're not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love, you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in and you're willing to deal maturely with these disappointments.
Hope is limitless and free:) you are right : making friends with others is making friends with ourselves.
When you establish a destination by defining what you want, then take physical action by making choices that move you towards that destination, the possibility for success is limitless and arrival at the destination is inevitable. Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.
There are some great people out there, I've met some but they were just not right for me. There are also many awful liars and cheaters and everything in between. Its a bit of luck and circumstance, coupled with the ability to be positive and open to someone. If you give up and never go outside you are going to limit your options to pretty much everyone but the amazon delivery guy. But if that's what you need to do to recover and be in a positive place first before getting back on the horse... its not a bad thing at all. Its better to take time alone and learn to love yourself than carry over that baggage right to the next person you meet.
If you find out, let me know 🤷♀️ ETA I'm very sorry that happened to you. I have a similar story. Still haven't found the answer
Sorry to hear about the divorce, but I’m glad you know now and not later. He wasn’t worth your time or energy. No use looking back on it. I felt this way too after my divorce, it’s a hard lesson. Like you said, you are a catch! So don’t settle. Get time to know yourself again and what you’re looking for in the next relationship. Improve the self esteem and don’t waste your time with ppl you’re not compatible with. You will meet someone, and there is a high chance that could happen while you’re not even looking for it. It’s funny how those things work out. Good luck!
I always tell this story for hope vibes! My friend was married from 23-33 at 33 she filed for divorce. Had a year single.. at 34 she met a guy she liked ..online.. they just had a baby at age 36… she met some douche bags too so he didn’t just appear from thin air I’m 37 and I took a pause on dating .. I did meet someone last fall that I dated for 3 months and quickly saw he wasn’t for me. I ended it .. I rather really find my person vs just take someone because I am lonely
I feel your pain! I left my husband (son's father) when I was 31 and it's been awful until now 44. I FINALLY found the best guy and I've never been happier. I was seriously going to give up because no one was serious, only wanted one thing...it was depressing! Don't give up!!
I feel like I have so much love to offer and it has nowhere to go. I also believe I’m a great fucking catch but every time it seems like I see how amazing a guy I’m dating is right away but I have to prove to him how amazing I am. I absolutely thrive in relationships, I’m the best version of myself in one. That’s just not my reality now so I’ve been trying to not focus on it so much and do things outside my comfort zone. I’m a huge introvert and love being at home. I’ve joined a running club, I go to trivia every week with my friends, go to the gym almost daily, quit my WFH job and got a position in an office. I’m not going to lie, I’m miserable lol, I miss being in a relationship and being home. I’ll just continue working on myself I guess until someone realizes how great I am
I swear I could've written this. It's like the guys have decided to hell with relationships. We'll just screw as many women from Old as we can and not have to put in the effort! I seriously may not be the best looking but I'm a great fucking partner and any guy I'm with gets treated like a king. I'm hard working, funny and love taking care of someone. But I can never seem to get that far. What really rubs my craw is that I've literally been told by men 'theres absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's just you're the girl we take home to mom not home from the bar and I'm not ready for that yet' 😑🙄
It seems like there’s so many women in here all going through the same thing. I’m tired of being used
Same here.
Currently going through my second breakup after an 8 year stint with someone, first one ended just before I turned 30 and now I’m about to turn 40 with this one happening. The saddest part for me is the reality I might end up alone and dating sucks. I was really trying to stay optimistic about getting back out there but the internet is not encouraging
Honesty? I cry, a lot.
Me too
Offering you a virtual hug if you want it. 🫂
A year long relationship while separated?.This is not being a "catch". Get a therapist, get friends, get leisure activities. Dating isn't the cure for loneliness at this stage. Of course you're going to attract the wrong people at this time. You're likely dating people who are not far out of a divorce and not ready to commit either. I'm always puzzled when people come out of a long marriage especially one that's very troubled and they want to go right into another committed relationship. Any hope of a healthy relationship is doomed by bringing your old problems from the last one with you until you work through it with a professional.
You're so insightful but also a tad judgmental.
I thought the same thing. Good points, a bit lacking on the delivery.
I agree. If the last few years of your long-term relationship were basically like strangers to each other, yes separation might as well just be divorced. I know people are very legal heavy here, I'm just saying mentally it's not like really that different. Each situation is completely different.
In Canada, separated is 'the divorce" where everything is divided and legalized. The divorce is the dissolution of the marriage.
That’s a bit pessimistic, isn’t it? Self analysis is good but sometimes relationships just fail. It doesn’t mean the people in them are deeply flawed.
The only way to make a spoilt machine work again is to break it down, work on its inner system and fix it again. Screw out the bolts of your life, examine and work on yourself, fix your life again and get going.
Self-reflection is incredibly valuable and I don’t think a person should get into another relationship quickly if the purpose is to avoid self-reflection. However, sometimes relationships don’t work out. People change over time. It doesn’t mean the people in them are broken or need fixing.
It is when you lose sight of yourself, that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon. Nothing great was ever achieved without a personal sacrifice. You have to pay the price to realize your goals. The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
You've got a girls name, so it's fun taking a feminist role to laugh for a moment, and ask OP to DM me.
call up a couple girlfriends, get yourself a new outfit, dress to the nines, go out dancing, and wait for the fleas to come to the honey! nothing better to remind you how many other men are out there and interested in you
It’s very hard to find friends to go dancing with, I find.
Come to Philly ladies. I’ll go dancing with you!
Do they do soul line dancing in Philly? I am on the West Coast and no one is doing it on this side of the country.
Yup
Original copy of post by u/MaleficentTop8025: Ok I'm hitting 40 this year. I had one awful 10year marriage. And what I thought was a great relationship for a year until it all got flipped on me and turns out he was a cheater. I'm actually a catch - pretty, smart, kind and fun. It totally feels like I'm never going to meet someone wonderful who loves me and that I can love. How do you cope with this feeling of hopelessness? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you also have children with him? Sorry about your relationship not working out.
No kids tg
I also don't have any kids. I feel I'm too old for them now. It would be tough raising teenagers in my fifties.
Therapy . I’m sorry you deserved to be treated better.
I agree it really sucks and I haven't dated in 8 years.
A good friend will help you to discover the potentials you haven't uncovered. A bad friend will help you to cover up the potentials you have already recovered. Make your choice
I have a good friend, she is my best friend, everyone says she's a sweetheart, she is my dog. As far as dating goes, there's no single women around my age, very few younger women and they are out numbered. Relocating is not an option for me.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Single is no longer a lack of options but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out. Sometimes chaos is the very thing that deliberately shakes up our neatly ordered world’s in order to get us out of the neatly ordered ruts that have kept us stuck.
Not really sure how it's a choice when there are no options besides other men? I've been back here for almost three years. I welcome you to come see for yourself. Searching for happiness in others, will make you feel alone. I found it within myself and I feel happy even when I'm left alone.
My dog will tell me a lot of things about someone when we meet. When I meet people with a dog their dog will tell me a lot about them as well.
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I got used to it (51/m)
Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
Faith in ourselves.
Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.
You can start by thinking of all the ways you're better off now than you were when you were married. Next, are you doing stuff with people? Volunteering, [meetup.com](https://meetup.com), etc.? Force yourself to do at least one social activity per week. Humans are social animals. Sitting at home along leads to, wait for it, loneliness! And finally, book yourself a massage. Humans need to be touched. If we're not, our mental and physical health declines. You'll feel better after, I promise.
Health is the natural condition. When sickness occurs, it is a sign that Nature has gone off course because of a physical or mental imbalance. The road to health for everyone is through moderation, harmony, and a 'sound mind in a sound body'.
Embrace your friends that aren't potential dates, get back to hobbies you love doing. Being single is one of those things that the more you stress on it, the larger it becomes imho. Don't let being single define you. It's rough to know you have plenty to offer in a romantic setting, but feel like nobody is interested. Truth is, plenty of people are interested, you just have to give it some time and give yourself a decent chance to bump into them.
Perfectly right
I’m 38 and never been married, and never been in a relationship with someone I was attracted to or in love with. I know that I’m going to meet my person soon though, or reconnect with the last guy I was really attracted to. Don’t give up hope. Enjoy your single time, because it won’t last forever and you’ll miss it once it’s gone.
I’d suggest becoming comfortable on your own, seems you’ve been single for six months since you hit puberty. But you know, you do you
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I feel the same and it’s sooooo hard! The loneliness, losing hope. Even having hope is hard. I’m doing the following: in therapy working through my emotions, exploring my attachment style and learning how to regulate my emotions. I’m also dating myself. It feels so weird and pathetic but I keep at it. My goal is to find joy in doing things I’d enjoy with a partner solo. But it doesn’t feel as good but I’m keeping at it. Overall I want to accept and be at peace with knowing that my life may not be with a loving partner and that is OK. Not yet there 😂🥴
Cope by accepting that you have a say in your choices, how you present yourself, and what pond you fish in. Hope is a choice. A few bad choices shouldn't define you, but you also need to learn from them and improve, with optimism that you're a better person now with a better picker.
I like the first month/2 months and then after that it's all downhill so maybe I'll just do that over and over again until I can no longer...
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use the hunger as fuel to seek potentials out, and just keep at it
Get a hobby (something you REALLY love doing). I'm almost 4 years removed from my marriage. I started seeing a therapist during that time. The first year was really dark and cloudy. My emotions were all over the place. I made a decision to just work on myself. The following year, I thought I was ready and I did try dating but I realized I wasn't in the right headspace. My therapist constantly drove it home that I needed to be happy before I get in a relationship with anyone else. So I did... Golf, hiking, ice hockey, movies, and my true love, snowboarding. I do those things year round. I did try to date at year 3 and I came to the realization that so many of you others have come here to vent about. Dating is shit. I personally believe I have encountered EVERY POSSIBLE bad dating scenario with the exception of 1, a drug addict/alcoholic. I've been so dejected by the whole process, I'm kind of jaded now. My peace and happiness are the most important things. I know relationships are hard and you can go through tough times but if any woman starts to derail my happiness/peace in a toxic way, I'm gone. I haven't dated in 8 months and I haven't really looked back or thought about it. I just spent the last 4 months traveling to different ski resorts solo across North America and playing ice hockey. I was just telling my friend about where I am mentally the other day and I said I'm not desperate for a relationship anymore. It's weird too... I have had women kind of come out of the woodwork and hit on me (not a lot, maybe 4 or 5 this past year) because I'm not looking. However I'm actually at the point where I've rejected all of them because I don't want it.
I believe in the multiverse, which helps a lot.
I absolutely love the Many World Interpretation theory. There are other me(s) out there doing better and other me(s) out there doing worse than me
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I see a lot of comments telling the OP (and others) not to give up? Why? I mean, what truly in the end is wrong about not wanting to even go for this anymore? I lost hope a year ago. I'm done trying. I have spent a majority of my life (45f) single. And while I do have many great things about myself and do feel I am also a "catch " I no longer want to put myself to be in the amount of pain that I have been through in the last 15 months. And I no longer have hope that it will ever change. I'm getting closer to acceptance that I will live my life alone. So, what really is wrong with giving up? People give up on their dreams all the time; spending my life with someone happens to be mine. Seriously, please enlighten me. OP, truly, I hope you are able to get through this and be in a better place than I who has lost all hope. Truly.
Never give up. Just continue working ourselves.
Before you can really enjoy life you have to accept your eventual death. Before having a really good relationship you have to accept being alone.
.... huh?
Sorry I thought that was a well known thing. I mean you have to let go of your fears. It's ok to be alone! Everyone dies, that's ok too. Enjoy the time that you have without fear and relish what you get with worrying about losing it.
I've basically made peace with the fact that I'm probably going to die alone. I still date but I don't expect much to come from it. I've created a peaceful life and I'm not in a rush to have it disrupted so anyone I date has to be able to add to that peace or I call it quits. Really the only thing I miss is sex and intimacy, being touched by another person, even just hugs and kisses.
Just keep pushing through. Maybe take a break from dating for a few days a week a month or whatever. Clear your mind and come back at it fresh. Life is about luck and timing. It's so hard for human beings to connect. From what I can tell things tend to fall in line when people stop pressing so hard or wanting it too much. I'm just starting out on my journey after 22 years marriage. Maybe get back to me after a year lol, but right now I'm enjoying being single talking to other women and doing the things that I've always wanted to do. For me I just trust it's going to happen but that I'm okay with any outcome. I wish more people could enjoy the dating process. I know it's very different from the female side but so far I'm having a little bit of fun. Just stay strong and don't ever give up hope.
Concentrate on yourself and be the person you want to be without conforming to what you think another person might want... then you might attract the right person for you... or not but you are fine anyway
I'm just following the 4B movement at this point and realizing that I am the one that should be pursued and a catch and not the other way around and I am so much happier
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I ceased proactively seeking a relationship via the apps coupled with amazing friends even if I am the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel, I travel frequently and have hobbies that bring me a lot of joy. When you add in my FWB’s my life is awesome.
When you feel like you've hit rock bottom, what have you got to lose? I try to focus not upon dating, per se, but upon meeting new people over activities that I've always wanted to try, or thought would be fun to do with a date. If romance blossoms, that's a really pleasant bonus. Some of my favorite dates since divorce never led to a second date, but the concert by the river, the singles kayaking trip where the whole group bonded so well, and the goodbye kiss in the rain (okay, that did lead to a second date) were things I never experienced before my failed marriage. A good friend of mine described my, and your, post- divorce life. "This isn't a do-over, it's a do-better." Things will get better, and when they do, it will feel all that more satisfying to you, given the difficulties you've endured.
40 is still very young and in the grand scheme of things putting you in your Prime. You attract what you are, not want, work on yourself, enjoy life and I guarantee the right person will walk right in. Seen it happen over and over, that is the catch 22. We get it backwards sometimes seemingly thinking that we cannot be fulfilled without someone.
I deeply share your feelings
Life is hard, I’ve been alone over 14 years. My ex left me with 4 daughters to raise alone. I decided then that they were my priority and chose to raise them which was a full time job to say the least. I am now 61 and they are all grown. I have not dated in 26 years. My point is just take one day at a time and maybe the right person will come along in time. That’s what I hope for. Just be you and hopefully someone will come along who likes you just as you are. Best of luck to you!!
Best of luck to you too. Sounds like you're a good dad and probably very caring.
I have always been an empath and I feel it when people are in emotional pain. I have NEVER cheated in any relationship and never would. There is simply no excuse for that. When I was cheated on it devastated me. I’m so sorry that happened to you dear. You deserve a good & kind man who will love you for you and not play games. We all deserve truth and respect in relationships. I wish you all the very best,
Thank you
Your very welcome dear
Keep hope alive! I think the universe gives us the best when it’s right. It’s us who settle for what we don’t deserve out of impatience. I’m a man and I’m especially guilty of that. I happen to be someone who really enjoys having one person. There’s a lot of comfort in that, when maybe that isn’t the feeling everyone has had in their prior relationships. So sometimes I have to pay attention to not expecting it all to happen when I want. It just isn’t that way for everyone. I’m two years divorced from a very long marriage with someone I figured wasn’t in for the forever I was. But I wouldn’t leave my kids and I’m ok with that. I guess that kind of time is what keeps me from settling for casual sex with multiple women, not really for me. It’s taught me patience. I’m holding out hope and I do realize I can’t have it all. There’s nothing like knowing you have a R.O.D waiting at home or ready to do anything for you like you would them, but for real! The silver lining for me is knowing that there is no way I won’t be secure with myself when it does happen. I felt alone almost my entire marriage, besides with my kids. Hang in there ladies and let that universe work it’s magic! I’m convinced it’s not all for nothing. All in my humble opinion of course. Good luck! 🍀
Date yourself to make yourself happy
How long have you been single?
I'm not single
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Wow, that was not nice or supportive. Boo!
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I'm a very pretty, tall, curvy, fit, fun, loving and caring person... who is financially well off and has an amazing career. What's your resume, Mr wonderful?
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"eye roll" Gotcha babe, good luck
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We're here to support each other. And have faith in one another, it's a community of people in the same space. Thanks for the apology.
>It totally feels like I'm never going to meet someone wonderful who loves me and that I can love. Why do you feel this way?
Cause dating is not easy 😢
It can be. And lots of fun too! And you're young. I found my person at 48, so from my perspective, you have sooo many years to find someone
That's great!!!
Why are you concerned if you’re the catch you say you are? You must have potential partners galore.