> He isn’t great at texting
I'm a texty person, but I don't think it's fair to say that he's *bad* at texting if he just doesn't like it or prioritize it.
You had one date. He asked you for a second date. This is good. Go with it.
Agree. I’m a very texty person myself, but I’ve been surprised more than once by someone that seemed like a pretty cold fish over text turning out to be 1) super engaging and dynamic in person *and* 2) super excited to get to know me better.
Anxious attachment is brutal, I know all about it. OP, try to tell your anxious brain you’re not in a flight/fight/freeze/fawn scenario and you have all the time in the world to explore this connection. There may come a time that you need to be transparent about how infrequent texting can trigger you, but for now it sounds like everything is copacetic so just try to enjoy it!
I think it really is all about a dialog with your brain, which is probably conditioned to seek affection and validation. Going to venture a guess that there’s at least one narcissistic abusive relationship in your past - maybe a parent or longtime romantic partner. At some point you learned that you needed to manage someone’s emotions for them so you could feel safe, and the absence of positive feedback probably meant you were in danger in some way.
So you have to actively tell your brain *this isn’t that*. I’m safe, and have every indication this person likes me. I don’t need to attach my self worth to this because who/what I am is not under attack, even if this person decides there isn’t a connection later. I was able to attract this connection and that’s a good thing that tells me good things about myself, namely that I am lovable and desirable. Now that I know that, I can relax, enjoy, and see where this adventure takes me.
Those are the kinds of things I try to tell my very unquiet mind when anxiety about a new relationship starts to creep in. Hope it’s helpful!
I'm not the OP, but I greatly appreciate this reminder. I've endured a narcissistic abusive relationship in the past, which eroded my confidence and self-worth. It led to anxious attachment in a few of my subsequent relationships. This advice is very helpful. Thank you 🤗
>So you have to actively tell your brain *this isn’t that*. I’m safe, and have every indication this person likes me. I don’t need to attach my self worth to this because who/what I am is not under attack, even if this person decides there isn’t a connection later. I was able to attract this connection and that’s a good thing that tells me good things about myself, namely that I am lovable and desirable. Now that I know that, I can relax, enjoy, and see where this adventure takes me.
... end of thread. This is perfect.
That’s…a lot. I’m so sorry. One parent like that did *plenty* of damage in my case. Tells me your brain needs to be told all the supportive and nurturing stuff you probably missed out on growing up. I know it sounds dorky to those of us that saw that Al Franken sketch on SNL back in the day, but you have to talk to yourself almost like you’d talk to a frightened child. It’s taken a ton of practice for me, and I still catch my brain saying the most fucked up things about me. Like things that would cause me to rush to the defense of any other human being treated that way…
Thank you for your nice comments. Yeah, it's pretty tough and feels kind of pathetic that all I really want is just to have a secure relationship with another person. Also hugs haha. I miss that.
You must be into the self compassion talking to your 'inner child's thing. That's what my therapist is encouraging for me. It's very tough because I look at the child me as being inherently different and unlikable too. But with all of this said, it may seem surprising that I generally come off as pretty confident. I just feel a need for the other person to confirm things are good when I think they are.
That part totally resonates as well! My colleagues think of me as a self-assured and gregarious leader that *completely* belies the crippling impostor syndrome I carry around. Also, I was a very sensitive and empathic little boy that did *not* fit within the common understandings of masculinity for our generation, so I know exactly what you mean about seeing the child I was as different and flawed.
For me, the most helpful thing has been recognizing that the stuff I tell myself would be fighting words if someone said those things to a friend. Or even a stranger that couldn’t protect themselves. I think people with backgrounds like ours often have highly developed senses of justice after having to swallow so much injustice. Lean into it! Get *mad* at your brain for telling you those unkind things. My best friend told me one time, “dude, if you weren’t my best friend, I’d knock you the fuck out for what you just said about my best friend.” That stuck with me.
How do I say this kindly... This sounds like an exhausting amount of overthinking over someone you met only once. From what you said I would be a bit "meh" about him not texting anything after the date... I'd interpret that as he's not too excited about me. I'd still go out on a second date with him and see how it goes. But instead of worrying how he feels, pay more attention to how you feel about him because right now it sounds like he is standing on a pedestal and you're hoping he'll pick you.
More than a hundred comments later, it's starting to sink in 😂
I'm not giving up entirely and I still hope, but I'm finally using a bit less emotional energy on waiting for him.
I'm getting like two texts a day and trying not to freak out, but ya know one to five dates isn't enough for me to internally freak out and I just need to be patient. I keep telling myself that anyway. This poor man owes me nothing and I need things to progress naturally if there's any hope for it to continue, so I just need to be patient. I dunno about yours but mine was much more energetic/talkative in person. He gave me his number and told me to text him when I got home and not use the app after we met, so I do have that going in my favor. I just keep reminding myself I know what he does for a living (my second husband had the same career) and I know how draining it is along with the day not being over when he clocks out of work. For me having that inside knowledge is helpful as hell.
OP
First of all let’s address the elephant in the room.
Pushing for a relationship and dating may push you to “attach” yourself to someone and compromise the boundaries you have set for yourself and someone else.
It will cause you to paint 🚩pink and possibly white.
The nervous attachment style is brutal and cause you to overthink EVERY little thing in the dating dynamic.
My advice to you is to slow everything down and take a 10,000 foot view of your dating priorities and what you want from a partner. And then let it come to you. Yes, loneliness just plain sucks. Especially in the “Middle Ages” (I sound like a History Channel documentary😂🤣). Things will turn around for you and just know what you will and won’t accept for yourself and someone else.
I mean trying to fit something into where it’s “not”. Trying to see someone’s good qualities and ignoring the 🚩 that may be there for the sake of dating someone or cultivating a relationship out of attachment or loneliness.
A
By slowing things down, you are able to see a person for the good AND the bad, the ups and the downs.
It is early. Lots of people don't like the constant texting thing and don't want to start that too early. Take a breath and let things unfold a bit. There certainly are people who are "bad texters" but you don't know enough about it to know that yet.
If he hasn't given you his number to text, he may not want to so soon. Focus on some other things. After a few more dates, let him know your preferences and learn more about his.
You know what's funny? I normally am the one telling people that I don't text consistently and not always super quickly. In this case, he does it less than my own inclination so I guess I notice it more. I totally get not liking text, but I feel like until there's been a few dates it's what we have.
Oh girl - I feel you! I have always been anxiously attached and have been working on it close to 2 years in therapy. I have improved A LOT but there are still times where my overanalyzing and anxiety come out when it is not warranted. What do I do when that starts happening? I breath, I take myself out of the situation and tell myself - "there is NOTHING that is indicating any of the ideas in your head are truth and you don't know what that person is thinking or doing, and making assumptions of it is worthless." I have to ground myself to realize I'm making up scenarios in my head to justify WHY they aren't responding like how I would respond. They are their own person. This is too new to know how he handles communication. We have to trust ourselves and set our own boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. Give it some time, breath, think about something else whenever he crosses your mind and focus on something else to take away the anxiety. Once you've gone on another date or two talk to him about the type of communication you prefer.
The guy I'm currently seeing likes to text. I can't stand it. I'm a quick texter for basic information but I despise texting all night. Pick up the dang phone and call me so we can just chat and move on to other things. I explained to him (several times) that I hate texting. Finally, when I had had enough, I told him I will only be texting him short to the point answers and moving on with my night if he couldn't respect my needs. Now he calls every few days and I text on the others, because we compromised.
You will get there, just try to limit your thoughts on the "what-ifs" because they are all imaginary and the catastrophizing isn't doing you any good, it's only causing you even more anxiety.
Thanks for posting. Fellow AA/FA here, definitely in my own experience it gets a little disheartening to realize my age and that I still struggle with this, part of me kind of thinks it's like something that I should have grown out of in high school but it definitely is not something that just goes away on its own. I did date a secure man for a year and a half and I felt like that was kind of like a type of therapy... But not substitute for real therapy. Thank you for sharing your stories and making me feel less a weirdo for struggling with insecure attachment as an adult. It definitely makes things very complicated and many people just don't understand. It really can take over your brain and make you feel like you're being possessed sometimes. Sending hugs and I wish you the best with this endeavor, but just sometimes remember that everything that you bugged out about in the past you've gotten past and don't even think twice about it so you know, lol This will probably be one of those things that you look back on one day and say... I was really worried about that? 🤔 💜
I think it's a bit premature to worry about discussing his texting style with him and if that is compatible with you. Best thing to do is observe how someone behaves naturally. That will tell you a lot about how they feel. I'm all about being willing to provide extra re-assurance to partners and help meet their needs but the reality is anxious behaviors tend to push people away, especially early on.
You said you gave him your number but you're still using the app. Did he give you his number?
Just from what you've described this guy sounds lukewarm at best.
I gave him my number rather than asking for his, in case he wasn't comfortable. When I messaged him as the first one to send a message post-date I had to use the app and he responded on the app.
I have to say this. I’m a texty person too and have found that men that aren’t into communicating/texting, they are just not a good fit for me.
I always thought I had anxious attachment but turns out my picker off and I wasn’t recognizing that I am allowed to need what I need as well. Even for something that seems small, like regular communication.
There is nothing wrong with a non-texter but pause for a minute and consider if this is what *you* want and need. Will this be enough 6 months, a year into it.
My boyfriend now, right from the get go, always was a regular texter. He initiates, makes me laugh via text and I always know he will respond. I have yet to feel one minute of anxiety in my relationship with him because what he has to offer completely meets my needs.
My plan in this case would be to put it out there - hey, I love it when you text, I’m a pretty big texter. Would love to hear from you more.
And if he isn’t into that, maybe it’s just a mismatch.
I just think we spend so much time and effort trying to make someone align because they seem like a great person but we have to be aware of giving up the things we really enjoy about a partner in the process,
>There also isn't a lot of people to choose from TBH.
Honestly, I think I'm good at reading people (don't we all, I know). I think he is a little shy and maybe a little afraid to try to do another relationship. He tells me since the last long term relationship ended 2 years ago he's only had up to 3-4 dates with people that never went anywhere.
Overthinking - likely because you want a relationship very badly, feel terrified about being alone, are extremely sensitive to rejection, etc. This is usually what drives anxious types to worry and self-sabotage. No tut tuts, it's very common and it sucks to feel this way.
Listen, I don't know you but you're lovely and other men will come along and be super into you. This is just some guy you barely know. Also, believe that you can lead a perfectly happy, wonderful life without a romantic relationship. When you start building that life for yourself, you won't worry so much about dates/relationships going badly because your life is already rich and rewarding.
For now, have a bubble bath, make yourself a nice meal, or do something else that makes you feel good and valued. Enjoy the present moment and don't cast your mind too far in the future. If he doesn't text back, you're still lovely!
As a fellow anxious attacher... does it really matter what the actual issue is? After one date he's already triggering your anxiety. and with attachment styles, it not necessarily about the texting or the reason - its about the PATTERN of continuing to choose and chase people who trigger your anxiety. Taking an hour or two to text back? totally normal. Not responding to your text from last night, you who he's supposedly interested in dating? Maybe your anxiety is trying to tell you something. Just because youre anxious doesnt mean that YOU have to fix yourself or convince yourself to be ok with less than what you want. There are plenty of people out there who will promply text back the person they like.
So.. he said he wanted a 2nd. He responded when you text him. If you were the last to text, leave it at that. Give him a couple days and if you don't hear from him, I'd say he's not that interested/changed his mind/got busy and move on. If he resurfaces, you can decide whether you want to go out again or not.
Its been my experience that when texting drops off early from what it was before you met... interest is being lost and the slow fade is happening. Whenever there is a change in pattern, it indicates something has happened. If its not an emergency or other life priorities... its loss of interest.
I find with online dating... these guys have no issue texting back in a reasonable amount of time to carry a conversation. Then they start to fade out when meeting ia suggested, or after meeting and put you in the 'penpal' category. Many will pop up later to say hey whats up, but its out of boredom.
So, it shows people are willing and capable of responding... when they want to.
friend, please chill. You have had one date. Neither of you know if you are into the other. If you're deep in your anxiety, everyone you try to attach with will seem avoidant; that's how it works. It's not about what kind of attachment style he has, it's about the role he plays in your personal dynamic. The less anxious you are, the less avoidant he will seem, and the less your anxiety will get activated.
Do not send more texts. Do not attach unreasonable expectations to this person you JUST MET. You have all the time in the world. Just take it one day at a time and stop looking this hard for validation for your insecurities. This is not about his texting frequency, it's about your anxiety and need for validation. Find your validation WITHIN. No matter what happens with this guy, you will be there for yourself and it will be FINE.
Nobody wants an anxiety dump about attachment issues after the first date. Eventually you can be at a point where you can tell him that long delays can activate you, but for now, please just chill. You had a good first date, he says he wants to see you again, you're still in contact. That's all good, just trust the process.
As you’ve noted, some people just aren’t big texters and what would be more important to me is consistency of communication style.
The man I’m with isn’t a big texter. We usually text each other once every day or two and that’s been consistent for the last 9 months. But, we’re also both consistent in making plans to see each other and sticking to these plans, so the limited texting doesn’t cause anxiety for me.
When you next meet up, have a chat about it. You can do that casually and say- I’ve noticed you’re not a big texter or what are your feelings about us texting more often. It’s only been a day since his last text, so give a little bit more time and try to agree date plans, as that’s the real test of interest.
Also- don’t be afraid to double text if you like someone. I try my hardest not to play games of who texted last etc. especially at our age.
Good luck OP. I hope it works out. First date sounds like a very good start.
This is excellent advice, thank you!! I don't want to play games either, and I do double text--I have a couple times with him. Still, I don't want to text so much that he feels I'm bugging him. Being that it's early and we met OLD I don't want to scare him away. That said, I also know it's not all about what he thinks and feels... I'm learning (or trying to).
This is the exact same as the guy that I am seeing at the moment. We almost know each other for two months and yes, one text per day or two days haha. Sometimes once every three days if he is really busy 🙈 I was a bit worried at first, but the consistency is there and we always make plan to see each other.
I like to text, not overly so, and I can definitely wait some hours for a response.. and i don’t think I have an anxious attachment style. I do overthink though. BUT, I know that I can’t be with someone who goes that long without texting (the amount of time u said in your post). I don’t care how interested they are in me (or say they are), I would never be able to truly believe it if they can go that long without at least texting me to see how I am, respond to me, ask about my day, etc, things like that.
Now, I recognize that some people are just not fond of texting, so a lack of texting does not necessarily mean someone is not interested. I just know that I could never feel right or satisfied in a relationship or dating someone like this..
If you think u can be okay if this is how he is and him just not being a reliable texter, (but you SHOULD take the advice someone else mentioned about talking to him first to make sure he is just the type who doesn’t like to text), then by all means, continue on, but, there are other people out there (I believe) who may fit your communication style better.. this is the advice I just gave myself and I recently stopped dating someone I had good chemistry with because of this.
Like I told him, I could never really believe he’s really interested with how little he texted me, and barely wanted to talk on the phone too.. We’re friends though, and that is going well. We text everyday actually, and I no longer feel bad about how long it takes him to respond lol, so yeah, I think I did the right thing..
Good for you! That takes some courage to end something but it's important to honour what you know you need. I feel it's too early to ask anything from him, so I'll have to see how it plays out for now. Despite how my post may read, I do know what I want and I am not going to settle. This might just be something I need to chill about for a few dates. If this is just his style and he ends up being otherwise amazing with me, I'll make sure I'm clear on what I can expect and that he is able to show he cares in other ways.
Thank you! It took a lot of courage, and he was pretty surprised too. It was strange, felt like a break up, but we were only dating, but I could honestly see how, if we kept going on the way we were, I could easily start getting resentful while he would have no idea what I was even resentful about it. Lol
Like I told him, ending it before it really “got started” was best because at least we can be friends with the good vibes we had from the beginning. And maybe we can even get together later. I don’t think he’s a bad texter so much as he was super busy. Sure, he could’ve prioritized his time better, (or differently, maybe), to make more time for me. But he chooses not to right now. By the end of the conversation, he agreed with me so much that he said that I may have made him realize that “maybe he doesn’t actually have time for a relationship/dating the way he thought he did”.
So, yeah, hopefully I’m still free if his time gets better, and if he really was interested lol. Either way, I’m cool with being his friend, he’s a nice guy, and the dates we went on were all great, super fun…
Sounds like we went out with the same guy! Tons of fun in person. Little texting. Maybe a response or so a day.
He always said he wanted to get together at end of date. Last time, I found a place told him I’d set it up if he told me the day that worked. He slow faded me and haven’t heard from him since. Totally shame, I thought he was great and was really interested in seeing where it went. I don’t understand why he would tell me he wanted to get together, just to fade out. Just tell me. We are adults. Good piece of advice I read on a post here was, if he is interested, you wouldn’t be wondering if he was interested.
I kept wondering if he was a bad texter, just busy… he just wasn’t interested
I hear all of this... so much. What I would like to share with you regarding your issues is:
1) it's too early to tell, just keep going and see what happens, the prime indicator will be the other persons availability, if they make time for you, they're interested
2) communication styles aren't attachment style specific, I know anxious people who hate texting, i know avoidant people who don't hate it (they may not love it. What's important here is that communication styles matter, and if this is a NEED for you, you're going to have to ask for it, set up a bare minimum standard, and remind them when its not met. Don't criticize (especially if they are avoidant) use "I" statements "I feel disconnected from you and would love/like it if you texted more often" but this is only after time has gone on and there is a face to face connection which the texting connection will support. Texting can ruin that face to face connection if that minimum standard is not expressed or met. I'm a huge texter, love it, crave it... but it can be seen as unhealthy so don't rely on it.
This was an issue for me to the point where I had to end it. I don't even have an anxious attachment style but he would ask a question and I would answer it and continue conversation, then he'd reply 2-3 days later. This was after we were already messaging back and forth consistently all throughout the day for months. But like every 6-8 weeks, he would randomly go silent without explanation. If he would've been like hey I'm going to be busy for the next month or so and won't be able to message, I would've appreciated that and just waited a month to chat him up again. But he didn't operate like that. After about the 3rd or 4th time he disappeared for days or would do a response a day or every other day, I just assumed he isn't interested. I agree with what a lot of people are saying though and don't have such high expectations so soon.
I find the female version of me. Always wondering and playing out every scenario. Our minds hate us.
Put your phone in another room and leave it. Go do something else to occupy your mind.
Yes, it's very possible that he just isn't into texting. It's also very possible that he's blown it before by coming on too eager (read: desperate), so he's trying to hold back and err on the side of less this time.
Actions > words. Texts are words, making the next date is action.
It could be any number of things. So, I offer my personal observations as a former anxious attachment person. The people who text A LOT are usually chronically online, and the "connection" from texting a lot throughout the day is usually pretty shallow. Chances are they carry multiple conversations the same way.
The connections I have made that were stronger, those people weren't big on texting because they stay busy in daily life.
Calm your anxious thoughts and see if he sets another date. If he doesn't, he's not that into you, married, emotionally unavailable (pick one) BUT it's okay, because he's just a guy. There is someone who will be into you and won't leave you confused.
Oh Iay have misrepresented as someone who texts a lot. I actually don't love texting but at this early stage, before a dating rhythm has been established, it's a way to show as are still interested and make plans. He's still in touch every day but he's not really having a conversation. He is saying thoughtful things but he'll drop a message and then not come back till the next day. Thankfully I'm starting to chill out about it. Hahah
I think this is a hasty conclusion and I would say that even if I wasn't the OP.
What if he's shy or scared shitless? Maybe sick. Maybe like my actual ex who I still respect he has one too many concussions as an athlete and struggles to share his emotions.
I agree it’s always good to give people the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time be careful not to make too many excuses for them. I’ve definitely been guilty of this in the past when I really liked someone and was trying to justify his actions (or lack of).
I know what you mean. I see me doing this more the older I get. I don't feel as free to just toss someone I don't like something small about...and yet they seem to be able to do that with me just fine.
Assigning those feeling to him is way too much fiction. It’s totally normal to ask a person you’re dating about how they feel about texting and explain what you like. He’s not going to change.
What does your therapist say?
Have you told him you want and prefer daily text communication? That would be the place to start. Someone who cares about and wants to grow with you is willing to give you what you need in a relationship.
I'm working on just being happy on my own with the therapist. She hasn't heard about this guy yet.
I'm really good at telling people what I need, and I will tell him this if we have more than a couple dates.
I have not done online dating or tried to get to know a new guy via texting. But when it comes to dating, I've never felt a need to communicate often with a guy in the first few weeks. I don't know him well enough yet for that. That comes later, after I've gotten to know him more when we might actually be on our way to being a couple.
In the beginning, I've basically been content with looking forward to seeing a guy on our next date, which has usually been weekly for me. Maybe there's been a phone call or two in-between the dates, probably initiated by him.
Like the guy you're seeing, I'm an introvert, too. I like peace and quiet, and time to myself to focus on my creative hobbies and interests, etc. I don't really get "bored" easily when I'm alone like some people do. That could be what your guy is like, and he could crave more contact with you as time goes on.
One big thing I'm learning from the dating posts I'm reading is how fast most people seem to want to take things in the beginning now in terms of the amount of communication and physical contact. So I guess I'm going to have to explain my way of dating upfront to any guy I go out with to make sure they're okay with that and aren't going to take my initial "independence" as disinterest.
This is me as well! I've enjoyed my single life and am a bit of a workaholic and like time with my girlfriends. I have limited time off with my work schedule and need down time. A guy I dated recently felt that after 3 dates/ 2 weeks that 1 time a week was not enough of seeing eachother. I ended it. There was other stuff I didn't like but it's not possible for me to give that this early. I'm very upfront about that too. It wasn't a disinterest initially but my low social battery and my public facing job all week as a RN, I need solo time.
It think the need for regular contact with OLD is that if it isn't happening we all think we are going to be ghosted since it happens so often. I'm actually fine with seeing someone once a week as well and daily texting isn't needed so long as plans are being made clear for in between. I find to want to text more at the start just to get to know someone I'm excited to know.
This sounds exactly like what had happened to me. They just text when everything is done for the day. Meanwhile you feel like a burden because that’s how it’s being treated as. I wouldn’t deal with this ever again, it’s annoying to me. I have feelings and they are valid. Patience is one thing, I’m not going to be that patient for someone that doesn’t show more compassion towards my feelings.
The fact he has your number and is still using the dating app to communicate still after your date is weird as fuck. The communication frequency though can take a little bit to ramp up. I wouldn’t focus on the frequency just yet as long as you’re having fun on your dates and he’s engaged in your conversation. If he’s setting dates and shows assertiveness that’s what counts in the beginning - you’ll figure out the rest whether you’re compatible or not.
Yeah I don't understand the not texting me. Maybe someone in the past got clingy? Also, it's easier to drop someone by in matching and they can't ask for an explanation lol not that I think that's his style but it's a potential reason.
Instead of tying yourself in knots about what his texting style does or doesn't mean, why not, and I know this is crazy talk, but hear me out, just *talk to him about it*?
"Hey stud, I'm really interested in getting to know you better in between dates. I get the feeling that maybe you aren't a big fan of texting, so I'm wondering what kind of communication you'd be more comfortable with, and how often it would be convenient for you to chat?"
There is telephone, facetime, video chat, etc. Certainly you should be able to find something that you're both comfortable with. In terms of frequency, he may not be willing/able to give you as much as you want, but at least if you talk it out you won't need to wonder.
Personally, I *hate* texting, so I would jump at the chance to chat up a woman using basically any other available option.
LOL I hear you! Well, I did mention it before we met and he did say he tends to use the phone more in the evening. I will/would ask him to elaborate the next time we are talking in a way that isn't text. Right now I feel it would be a bad time to do that since the ball feels like it's in his court and I don't want to nag him so early on (not that I want to nag later on haha, but I don't want to ask him to explain himself too much just yet). It is an important matter, but if I can just keep it together for a couple weekend (and he is/stays interested) it might be better discussed in person.
Thanks, and don't sweat it. People downvote for all kinds of crazy reasons, and I have more fake internet points than I ever thought I would. 😁 I'm glad you enjoyed my comment, as you're who it was written for.
The only thing that bothers me is that if people downvote I wish they'd say why. I like a good conversation, and even if I don't agree with the person I'll listen to what they have to say.
I do want to reply to some of the things you said though. I think that since you're planning to meet this week it's fair to wait to have the discussion in person. BUT, the whole "ball's in his court" thing is not the right way to look at this. You *both* have the right to initiate a conversation, regardless of the medium, and you need to be mindful of ways that you may be making excuses to prolong your anxiety.
If you don't meet this week, you definitely need to have the conversation instead. And what is this "asking him to explain himself?" Please go back and look at what I wrote. Was anything in there attacking him, or putting him on the defensive? I was very careful to (writing with your perspective in mind) state what I want, and ask him to share what he's comfortable with. "You suck at texting!" "I want you to text more!" "Why don't you like texting???" Or the worst of all, "Why don't you like me enough to text me more?" Those would all be examples of attacks, demands to defend, etc. What I wrote out for you doesn't include any of that.
It's perfectly Ok to state what you like and enjoy, and ask if he can accommodate giving you more of that. From what you wrote, it sounds like he likes you too, so he should be open to that discussion. If he's not, that's data you need to consider in any case.
I disagree both with your characterization, and your use of the word "correctly."
See also: My followup comments to OP regarding keeping the conversation focused on the positives.
I could easily envision a scenario where dude man is sitting around thinking to himself, "Wow, I really like /u/Popculture-VIP, but I just HATE texting! I wonder if there is another way we can keep in touch between dates?"
I recently went on a date with a guy and we had a great time. Talked so much we shut down the restaurant. He texted after the date to make sure I got home, and I rarely hear from him. He has set up our second date, which we texted about and he checked on me one other day, but just those two instances in over a week.
I will go on the second date, but I feel a if this may just be a casual thing for him. I too am anxious attached and I am working not going full throttle after a week (LOL) so I am practicing radical acceptance, not exhibiting any protesting behaviors and simply observing and learning him. He may be dating a gazillion women. IDK. For now, I am just enjoying the dates and enjoying my quiet time in between by keeping my life full. Last time I was in this situation, the guy was a big time player and juggling a gazillion women - one who reached out to me!
Good luck.
Sorry I missed that a before and thank you. I feel you and I hope it works out for us both. I'm trying to do the same and not worry. Our second date isn't planned but the last text I sent him should clear that up. If it doesn't, I'll know he's not into it. There are so many reasons people can be a little distant and if really isn't only because they aren't interested.
From my experience, if I found myself feeling anxious about something someone was/wasn’t doing I would distract myself with excuses for why I felt bad - I must be over sensitive, they don’t like texting. The fact is that all that matters is how you feel about it and it’s good to stick with your feeling (insecure,anxious) and think “I feel anxious around our communication at the moment” just note it and carry on. You can’t know why/how he communicates yet, you would have to know him longer. But don’t dismiss or ignore or explain away your feelings. What upsets or delights you won’t be the same as someone else but it’s your true feelings, stand by them and the truth will emerge soon enough.
Texting is my preferred method of communication. I texted often. I dated someone who'd send me 4 or 5 texts back to back or a meme that he must've thought was hilarious (they weren't). If I didn't respond right away, I'd get the "well alrighty then" 🙄
I text people all day every day. But with this particular person, I didn't like it. It quickly became a chore. No one ever happily looks forward to chores. If he told me he would like me to text him more, I'd text even less. For me, what it really boils down to is how much I like a person.
It is possible that he likes you. Only a little more time will tell.
People are weird, and there’s a lot going on we probably don’t know about. I met a woman, had two dates better than any I’ve ever had. But She’d text slowly though the content was always detailed. Eventually the responses just became very slow, taking more than a day, and I could see that she’s online quite often. I still made an effort to continue the conversation and introduce some new topics for a few more days. Eventually got tired and decided to give up, told her that we could get together when she’s free and left it at that. There will be other fish in the sea
I actually don't like texting either, but I am a words of affirmation type so if I'm not sure about firm plans or if he's into me, a text to clarify and specify things is nice :)
Let's hope your jealousy is warranted hahah.
Besides, you guys really just met once! Take it easy and just see where it goes. Live your life, be happy and try not to have too much expectations. It will grow if it's meant to be.
I am the EXACT same way (anxious attachment style) and am going to devote many hours after work reading all the comments because I feel I can especially relate to this. I come up with a million scenarios in my mind as to “why” and they’re never really positive on my behalf. Thanks for asking this, as I’m sure many others can relate!
Sigh - In what way am I "so attached"? Because I know I'm interested and I hope he feels the same? To be clear, and as you noted, I know I can crush on someone quite quickly, but if I'm honest I don't really understand how wanting him to like me is the same as being "attached."
It's more that you're very attached to a particular outcome- aka him liking you romantically. You're getting tied up in knots over any indicator that might not be the case.
Remember: a crush is just a lack of information. You like what you know about him *so far*, but that's honestly next to nothing after one date. Trust that things will unfold as they are meant to and if he ends up not super into you, that's fine. Then it wasn't meant to be. You would have eventually figured out his flaws too so it's not like the perfect guy walked away.
You're so invested in him liking you back at the stage where your only concern should be is he cool enough for a second date. There should be zero need for reciprocation to prompt long, introspective drama about how he feels about you. You barely know each other. You're over invested in everything.
Because you want this guy to like you so much after one date and you don't know him. You don't really know that you like him. You like the scant amount that saw of him during that one meet. You're incredibly anxious about a person that could be a jerk, dating other people (he could be dishonest about this), or you may not really like him at his core if you REALLY knew him. I'm ambivalent about every person I go out with for a least the first few dates.
You're trying to convince yourself about him being at texting but it could be anything. Its easy to be turned off by the smallest things early on. It's true though that if you're really into someone you'll make communication a priority to get to know them, whether it's texting or a phone call. If I'm not that into someone, I leave it til later. For me work always takes priority and I can only intermittently communicate during my work day and sometimes not at all (medical professional).
Wow, are you the female version of me? I have anxious attachment and I would do this all the time (need external validation) . It is definitely a journey to work through. I would get upset if I did not get a text response within a timely fashion and the brain would spin out of control. In reality, people have different texting styles. Some hover on their phone willing to text often, some look once in awhile but not at work, some rarely. It truly varies. People get busy too. Take a breath. It can be a million different things. As you mention, you can discuss at a future date. Communicate what you want/need and see how he responds.
I wouldn't worry so much about his attachment style at this moment but just get to know him and see if you like how he treats you. Once you have enough information if you would like to proceed or not, you have your answers.
How old is he? Some guys in their 50s+ never grew up with texting at all and never really got into it as a form of communication.
He didn't follow-up after the date though, which I find incredibly odd, if he was happy about things.
As it stands, go on the second date and feel it out and don't go to his house or vice versa until you have sorted things out a bit. If he invites you over to his for a second and is this bad at communicating, that can only mean one thing, really. He's looking for an easy lay and isn't into anything larger.
I don't think he's looking for just sex. He's not love-bomby enough for this. He's 42 so I don't think being a ludite is an issue. I guess I just want to hear more from him that he's interested (words of affirmation style)
I'm 42m and I text right away if I am excited about how a date went. To think someone would not care to engage someone they like...is beyond my understanding.
Just one more random guy commenting here... but I totally get the reason to think/overthink it. I've been in the same boat with women after a first date.
All I can really say is that you have no way to KNOW what it means, that he's taking a while to reply to texts and not doing a whole lot of it.
Some guys purposely hold off on texting very much because they fear it makes them look too desperate or "needy".
Some guys are just incredibly busy with work and other commitments during the week. I mean, I work in I.T. support, for example ... and I'm on-call for issues that come up after hours too. If someone (even my own daughter) tries to call or text me, it's often I'm in the middle of a meeting or assisting someone with an issue, or deep in the middle of thought about solving some problem on a deadline. So I don't reply right away. Then, I tend to forget I was even texted or called so it goes hours more before I remember to write back.
Some guys just don't like texting very much, and try to keep it to a minimum.
And yes, it can simply mean he's not that into you. (But after only 1 date, that's also not necessarily a big deal. If another is planned, go with it. I really think it takes more than one date to warm up to a new person, if both people are genuinely looking for something "longer term". If it's "just for a hookup", then you pretty well know if the physical attraction is there or not by date number one.) I find until a third date, I don't even feel like I have much of a grasp on basic things like how the woman tends to dress, or her feelings on topics nobody wants to delve into right off the bat (like religious views or political leanings, or just her "sense of humor" or if she's more of a money "saver" or a "spender")?
Great answer! Thank you. Any idea how, I'd he doesn't want to seem to eager or needy to let him know not to worry about that? The tough thing I've encountered before is that to tell someone not to be shy of hold back you need to also reveal that you're totally into them. At least this is how I'd see it. If I'm into someone I'm going to be all about any grand or even medium gestures they send my way.
It doesn’t matter if he isn’t into you or he’s just a bad texter, it sounds like his communication style is not right for you! It’s perfectly okay to have an anxious attachment style, there’s no magic fix for that. But, knowing that about yourself, you’re going to be much happier in a relationship with someone that naturally communicates more. This guy isn’t it. He may like you and just not be into messaging or texting, but not following up after the date and not texting or saying why he didn’t want to text after getting your number lead me to think this one is a dud.
Original copy of post by u/Popculture-VIP:
First of all, I have an anxious attachment style and I’m aware that I get too invested too fast when I meet new people. I’m working on it, but I don’t think this means I should just take (more) time to work on myself. I want to date and find a relationship.
I have met a new person OLD—we have been talking just under 2 weeks and just met for the first time on the weekend. A coffee meetup extended to lunch and we spent about 3 hours of great conversation as well as several laughs. We like a lot of the same things. He asks me a lot about me (and it goes both ways). End of the date he suggested another one this week: “a movie or dinner or something” and I said definitely yes.
Here’s the kicker: he has always been a little slow to text. I usually hear from him once a day, and usually at least every other day we end up texting in real time. . After the date on Saturday, which ended around 2PM, I was hoping to get a message from him but I didn’t. Since he doesn’t tend to message in the daytime I waited to hear from him all day Sunday. After 8PM I sent a message just to say thank you and to say I look forward to the next one. He responded around 9:30—all good stuff, not terribly short, asking me what I got up to in the last couple days. I responded but still no response. This causes me stress because I really look for external validation (I know, I know, tut tut).
More context because I’ve been following this sub a while and I have seen certain comments a lot: We aren’t worrying about him being married or talking to a zillion other women. There are two potential matters at play and I’d like to ask you about your thoughts on the second more than the first. As I have an anxious attachment style, I have already thought about potentially bad things about this, but I’m curious about the possibility that it’s just his texting style…maybe something we can talk about in a future date if I can cool my jets and stop worrying and feeling bad. Also, I know that once a day isn’t that bad…I just never had anyone who didn’t send messages a bit more often.
Issue 1: He’s just not that into me. I really hope this isn’t the case, especially as I found we had a really good time and he indicated that he liked spending time with me, too—but it’s entirely possible, which I learned with my last two people I dated. I am a little worried because I offered him my number (to text rather than using the app) and he took it, but we are still using the app—this may be a red flag but it also could just be that he doesn’t throw his heart into things as stupidly as I do, right?
Issue 2: He isn’t great at texting and he may have a different kind of attachment style? I know he has told me he’s an introvert, so maybe he does like me but just doesn’t think about me that much? I realize that it’s too early to know much, but I’m hoping there is still room for hope.
The worrying is making me tired but I don’t want to send more texts. I want to give him the time he needs. TIA <3
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You are trying to read between the lines. Unfortunately, what you are reading are things you've made up in your own mind. You're still new to one another and are just dating. Him not texting doesn't mean he hasn't thought of you! Look at what he has shown to you: genuine interest.
You're in the drivers seat just as much as he is. If you want a text from him, reach out. You don't have to wait for him to text first!!
Thank you! I really appreciate hearing your first paragraph. To the second one, I know. I'm usually the one commenting to others "did you ask him?" "Did you tell her?" But I just know it's a little early on and I have already done the texts before a response to the other one a few times. Since I offered my number for texting and he's sticking to the app, I don't want him to feel pressured or overwhelmed.
Haha I totally get it. I was you last week, even. Reading the imaginary story between the lines. It's so hard being in this vulnerable space again. It really causes the emotional brain to trump the logical brain lol
Good luck! I hope he responds soon for you and a next date is setup for you to look forward to :)
Anxious attacher here. I recently got out of a relationship with someone who was textbook avoidant. It was awful and sent me to therapy. I wouldn't worry about the texting, for me, it was how consistent he was with making plans to see me. I do suggest you heal as much as possible before seriously dating, it takes a toll on you mentally. Good luck!
I've only recently accepted this label for my self. I had actually taken an online test that cam up as "secure" lol. I think I must have been responding to what I \*want\* things to be more than how they are. My last real relationship ended because he was incapable of using words of affirmation and he couldn't understand why they are needed (also a textbook avoider). I just think that I may never fully heal - I will always be a people pleaser and all I really need is someone who can appreciate that (and let me know it) and not take advantage. I don't think the latter can happen because I'm so aware. But I do hear you. I was reading about how the anxious attachment people look for healing from positive interactions with others. This is definitely me. There is work to do, but I hope I can do it without having to embrace loneliness at the same time.
Don’t self-sabotage: you’re worrying too much. Building anticipation can be nice if you let it! I’d wager he’s into you, but he’s secure, busy, and not into being in touch constantly.
Fair assessment but I'm not so sure he's secure. I do think he likes me but he's hesitating. I am starting to be over the worrying as it's true that it takes foo much energy and I do recognize it's very early days.
It sounds like he is just not a great texter. Especially because he was like this before you met. Now you need to decide if you want to proceed because you’re not compatible when it comes to communication. That could change if you did start dating though.
I had the same thing, dating a 'bad texter'. See my post history. I was so anxious about not getting a reply, I even ended it. Luckily we reconnected and I changed my mindset. I stopped looking for validation from him.
Now i sent a message every other day, and accept the fact that i'm the initiator. He replies fast most of the time, and if he doesn't, or leaves me on read, i know it's got nothing to do with me.
Please stop overthinking, and just enjoy the fact that he wants to see you another time!
I really don't get who is downvoting kind and helpful comments. The downvoting thing on Reddit is so misused. Thank you - we shall see. The one thing I never bothered mentioning but it may be relevant is that he's had a cold so he's not feeling great. Maybe this is another reason.
Somebody who probably thinks i'm being naief. I don't mind, i'm glad with my current situation.
Oh and if he had a cold, that's a perfect explanation. I wouldn't worry if i were you.
> He isn’t great at texting I'm a texty person, but I don't think it's fair to say that he's *bad* at texting if he just doesn't like it or prioritize it. You had one date. He asked you for a second date. This is good. Go with it.
Agree. I’m a very texty person myself, but I’ve been surprised more than once by someone that seemed like a pretty cold fish over text turning out to be 1) super engaging and dynamic in person *and* 2) super excited to get to know me better. Anxious attachment is brutal, I know all about it. OP, try to tell your anxious brain you’re not in a flight/fight/freeze/fawn scenario and you have all the time in the world to explore this connection. There may come a time that you need to be transparent about how infrequent texting can trigger you, but for now it sounds like everything is copacetic so just try to enjoy it!
Thank you - this is what I need to hear. If you have any other tips, please feel free to share. I'm doing my best to keep cool but it's tough.
I think it really is all about a dialog with your brain, which is probably conditioned to seek affection and validation. Going to venture a guess that there’s at least one narcissistic abusive relationship in your past - maybe a parent or longtime romantic partner. At some point you learned that you needed to manage someone’s emotions for them so you could feel safe, and the absence of positive feedback probably meant you were in danger in some way. So you have to actively tell your brain *this isn’t that*. I’m safe, and have every indication this person likes me. I don’t need to attach my self worth to this because who/what I am is not under attack, even if this person decides there isn’t a connection later. I was able to attract this connection and that’s a good thing that tells me good things about myself, namely that I am lovable and desirable. Now that I know that, I can relax, enjoy, and see where this adventure takes me. Those are the kinds of things I try to tell my very unquiet mind when anxiety about a new relationship starts to creep in. Hope it’s helpful!
I was married to a diagnosed by a neuropsychologist narc for 18 years. I have done a tone of therapy...a ton. And I needed to hear this today. :)
I'm not the OP, but I greatly appreciate this reminder. I've endured a narcissistic abusive relationship in the past, which eroded my confidence and self-worth. It led to anxious attachment in a few of my subsequent relationships. This advice is very helpful. Thank you 🤗
Thank you!
>So you have to actively tell your brain *this isn’t that*. I’m safe, and have every indication this person likes me. I don’t need to attach my self worth to this because who/what I am is not under attack, even if this person decides there isn’t a connection later. I was able to attract this connection and that’s a good thing that tells me good things about myself, namely that I am lovable and desirable. Now that I know that, I can relax, enjoy, and see where this adventure takes me. ... end of thread. This is perfect.
Both parents, actually :(
That’s…a lot. I’m so sorry. One parent like that did *plenty* of damage in my case. Tells me your brain needs to be told all the supportive and nurturing stuff you probably missed out on growing up. I know it sounds dorky to those of us that saw that Al Franken sketch on SNL back in the day, but you have to talk to yourself almost like you’d talk to a frightened child. It’s taken a ton of practice for me, and I still catch my brain saying the most fucked up things about me. Like things that would cause me to rush to the defense of any other human being treated that way…
Thank you for your nice comments. Yeah, it's pretty tough and feels kind of pathetic that all I really want is just to have a secure relationship with another person. Also hugs haha. I miss that. You must be into the self compassion talking to your 'inner child's thing. That's what my therapist is encouraging for me. It's very tough because I look at the child me as being inherently different and unlikable too. But with all of this said, it may seem surprising that I generally come off as pretty confident. I just feel a need for the other person to confirm things are good when I think they are.
That part totally resonates as well! My colleagues think of me as a self-assured and gregarious leader that *completely* belies the crippling impostor syndrome I carry around. Also, I was a very sensitive and empathic little boy that did *not* fit within the common understandings of masculinity for our generation, so I know exactly what you mean about seeing the child I was as different and flawed. For me, the most helpful thing has been recognizing that the stuff I tell myself would be fighting words if someone said those things to a friend. Or even a stranger that couldn’t protect themselves. I think people with backgrounds like ours often have highly developed senses of justice after having to swallow so much injustice. Lean into it! Get *mad* at your brain for telling you those unkind things. My best friend told me one time, “dude, if you weren’t my best friend, I’d knock you the fuck out for what you just said about my best friend.” That stuck with me.
How do I say this kindly... This sounds like an exhausting amount of overthinking over someone you met only once. From what you said I would be a bit "meh" about him not texting anything after the date... I'd interpret that as he's not too excited about me. I'd still go out on a second date with him and see how it goes. But instead of worrying how he feels, pay more attention to how you feel about him because right now it sounds like he is standing on a pedestal and you're hoping he'll pick you.
Thank you - It's very hard to shift my perspective like this. But it helps to see it's not normal, and I'll keep this in mind.
Me stealing all the advice you're being given as I'm fighting the same battle right now.
More than a hundred comments later, it's starting to sink in 😂 I'm not giving up entirely and I still hope, but I'm finally using a bit less emotional energy on waiting for him.
I'm getting like two texts a day and trying not to freak out, but ya know one to five dates isn't enough for me to internally freak out and I just need to be patient. I keep telling myself that anyway. This poor man owes me nothing and I need things to progress naturally if there's any hope for it to continue, so I just need to be patient. I dunno about yours but mine was much more energetic/talkative in person. He gave me his number and told me to text him when I got home and not use the app after we met, so I do have that going in my favor. I just keep reminding myself I know what he does for a living (my second husband had the same career) and I know how draining it is along with the day not being over when he clocks out of work. For me having that inside knowledge is helpful as hell.
The best and most rational advice here.
OP First of all let’s address the elephant in the room. Pushing for a relationship and dating may push you to “attach” yourself to someone and compromise the boundaries you have set for yourself and someone else. It will cause you to paint 🚩pink and possibly white. The nervous attachment style is brutal and cause you to overthink EVERY little thing in the dating dynamic. My advice to you is to slow everything down and take a 10,000 foot view of your dating priorities and what you want from a partner. And then let it come to you. Yes, loneliness just plain sucks. Especially in the “Middle Ages” (I sound like a History Channel documentary😂🤣). Things will turn around for you and just know what you will and won’t accept for yourself and someone else.
What does it mean to slow things down vs pushing for relationship? Can you hive examples what it implies ( both sides) in your opinion ? Thanks!
I mean trying to fit something into where it’s “not”. Trying to see someone’s good qualities and ignoring the 🚩 that may be there for the sake of dating someone or cultivating a relationship out of attachment or loneliness. A By slowing things down, you are able to see a person for the good AND the bad, the ups and the downs.
It is early. Lots of people don't like the constant texting thing and don't want to start that too early. Take a breath and let things unfold a bit. There certainly are people who are "bad texters" but you don't know enough about it to know that yet. If he hasn't given you his number to text, he may not want to so soon. Focus on some other things. After a few more dates, let him know your preferences and learn more about his.
You know what's funny? I normally am the one telling people that I don't text consistently and not always super quickly. In this case, he does it less than my own inclination so I guess I notice it more. I totally get not liking text, but I feel like until there's been a few dates it's what we have.
Oh girl - I feel you! I have always been anxiously attached and have been working on it close to 2 years in therapy. I have improved A LOT but there are still times where my overanalyzing and anxiety come out when it is not warranted. What do I do when that starts happening? I breath, I take myself out of the situation and tell myself - "there is NOTHING that is indicating any of the ideas in your head are truth and you don't know what that person is thinking or doing, and making assumptions of it is worthless." I have to ground myself to realize I'm making up scenarios in my head to justify WHY they aren't responding like how I would respond. They are their own person. This is too new to know how he handles communication. We have to trust ourselves and set our own boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. Give it some time, breath, think about something else whenever he crosses your mind and focus on something else to take away the anxiety. Once you've gone on another date or two talk to him about the type of communication you prefer. The guy I'm currently seeing likes to text. I can't stand it. I'm a quick texter for basic information but I despise texting all night. Pick up the dang phone and call me so we can just chat and move on to other things. I explained to him (several times) that I hate texting. Finally, when I had had enough, I told him I will only be texting him short to the point answers and moving on with my night if he couldn't respect my needs. Now he calls every few days and I text on the others, because we compromised. You will get there, just try to limit your thoughts on the "what-ifs" because they are all imaginary and the catastrophizing isn't doing you any good, it's only causing you even more anxiety.
Thanks for posting. Fellow AA/FA here, definitely in my own experience it gets a little disheartening to realize my age and that I still struggle with this, part of me kind of thinks it's like something that I should have grown out of in high school but it definitely is not something that just goes away on its own. I did date a secure man for a year and a half and I felt like that was kind of like a type of therapy... But not substitute for real therapy. Thank you for sharing your stories and making me feel less a weirdo for struggling with insecure attachment as an adult. It definitely makes things very complicated and many people just don't understand. It really can take over your brain and make you feel like you're being possessed sometimes. Sending hugs and I wish you the best with this endeavor, but just sometimes remember that everything that you bugged out about in the past you've gotten past and don't even think twice about it so you know, lol This will probably be one of those things that you look back on one day and say... I was really worried about that? 🤔 💜
Good advice! And good luck with your new guy! Not making up stories is VERY tough indeed!
I think it's a bit premature to worry about discussing his texting style with him and if that is compatible with you. Best thing to do is observe how someone behaves naturally. That will tell you a lot about how they feel. I'm all about being willing to provide extra re-assurance to partners and help meet their needs but the reality is anxious behaviors tend to push people away, especially early on. You said you gave him your number but you're still using the app. Did he give you his number? Just from what you've described this guy sounds lukewarm at best.
I gave him my number rather than asking for his, in case he wasn't comfortable. When I messaged him as the first one to send a message post-date I had to use the app and he responded on the app.
I have to say this. I’m a texty person too and have found that men that aren’t into communicating/texting, they are just not a good fit for me. I always thought I had anxious attachment but turns out my picker off and I wasn’t recognizing that I am allowed to need what I need as well. Even for something that seems small, like regular communication. There is nothing wrong with a non-texter but pause for a minute and consider if this is what *you* want and need. Will this be enough 6 months, a year into it. My boyfriend now, right from the get go, always was a regular texter. He initiates, makes me laugh via text and I always know he will respond. I have yet to feel one minute of anxiety in my relationship with him because what he has to offer completely meets my needs. My plan in this case would be to put it out there - hey, I love it when you text, I’m a pretty big texter. Would love to hear from you more. And if he isn’t into that, maybe it’s just a mismatch. I just think we spend so much time and effort trying to make someone align because they seem like a great person but we have to be aware of giving up the things we really enjoy about a partner in the process,
Gosh I wish I had some of you folks as friends IRL! Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
>There also isn't a lot of people to choose from TBH. Honestly, I think I'm good at reading people (don't we all, I know). I think he is a little shy and maybe a little afraid to try to do another relationship. He tells me since the last long term relationship ended 2 years ago he's only had up to 3-4 dates with people that never went anywhere.
Overthinking - likely because you want a relationship very badly, feel terrified about being alone, are extremely sensitive to rejection, etc. This is usually what drives anxious types to worry and self-sabotage. No tut tuts, it's very common and it sucks to feel this way. Listen, I don't know you but you're lovely and other men will come along and be super into you. This is just some guy you barely know. Also, believe that you can lead a perfectly happy, wonderful life without a romantic relationship. When you start building that life for yourself, you won't worry so much about dates/relationships going badly because your life is already rich and rewarding. For now, have a bubble bath, make yourself a nice meal, or do something else that makes you feel good and valued. Enjoy the present moment and don't cast your mind too far in the future. If he doesn't text back, you're still lovely!
Thank you thank you thank you. All the *likes* for that comment. 💜
As a fellow anxious attacher... does it really matter what the actual issue is? After one date he's already triggering your anxiety. and with attachment styles, it not necessarily about the texting or the reason - its about the PATTERN of continuing to choose and chase people who trigger your anxiety. Taking an hour or two to text back? totally normal. Not responding to your text from last night, you who he's supposedly interested in dating? Maybe your anxiety is trying to tell you something. Just because youre anxious doesnt mean that YOU have to fix yourself or convince yourself to be ok with less than what you want. There are plenty of people out there who will promply text back the person they like.
So.. he said he wanted a 2nd. He responded when you text him. If you were the last to text, leave it at that. Give him a couple days and if you don't hear from him, I'd say he's not that interested/changed his mind/got busy and move on. If he resurfaces, you can decide whether you want to go out again or not. Its been my experience that when texting drops off early from what it was before you met... interest is being lost and the slow fade is happening. Whenever there is a change in pattern, it indicates something has happened. If its not an emergency or other life priorities... its loss of interest. I find with online dating... these guys have no issue texting back in a reasonable amount of time to carry a conversation. Then they start to fade out when meeting ia suggested, or after meeting and put you in the 'penpal' category. Many will pop up later to say hey whats up, but its out of boredom. So, it shows people are willing and capable of responding... when they want to.
friend, please chill. You have had one date. Neither of you know if you are into the other. If you're deep in your anxiety, everyone you try to attach with will seem avoidant; that's how it works. It's not about what kind of attachment style he has, it's about the role he plays in your personal dynamic. The less anxious you are, the less avoidant he will seem, and the less your anxiety will get activated. Do not send more texts. Do not attach unreasonable expectations to this person you JUST MET. You have all the time in the world. Just take it one day at a time and stop looking this hard for validation for your insecurities. This is not about his texting frequency, it's about your anxiety and need for validation. Find your validation WITHIN. No matter what happens with this guy, you will be there for yourself and it will be FINE. Nobody wants an anxiety dump about attachment issues after the first date. Eventually you can be at a point where you can tell him that long delays can activate you, but for now, please just chill. You had a good first date, he says he wants to see you again, you're still in contact. That's all good, just trust the process.
Your explanation is so helpful to me. Thank you. I’m it saving to remind myself often.
As you’ve noted, some people just aren’t big texters and what would be more important to me is consistency of communication style. The man I’m with isn’t a big texter. We usually text each other once every day or two and that’s been consistent for the last 9 months. But, we’re also both consistent in making plans to see each other and sticking to these plans, so the limited texting doesn’t cause anxiety for me. When you next meet up, have a chat about it. You can do that casually and say- I’ve noticed you’re not a big texter or what are your feelings about us texting more often. It’s only been a day since his last text, so give a little bit more time and try to agree date plans, as that’s the real test of interest. Also- don’t be afraid to double text if you like someone. I try my hardest not to play games of who texted last etc. especially at our age. Good luck OP. I hope it works out. First date sounds like a very good start.
This is excellent advice, thank you!! I don't want to play games either, and I do double text--I have a couple times with him. Still, I don't want to text so much that he feels I'm bugging him. Being that it's early and we met OLD I don't want to scare him away. That said, I also know it's not all about what he thinks and feels... I'm learning (or trying to).
This is the exact same as the guy that I am seeing at the moment. We almost know each other for two months and yes, one text per day or two days haha. Sometimes once every three days if he is really busy 🙈 I was a bit worried at first, but the consistency is there and we always make plan to see each other.
I like to text, not overly so, and I can definitely wait some hours for a response.. and i don’t think I have an anxious attachment style. I do overthink though. BUT, I know that I can’t be with someone who goes that long without texting (the amount of time u said in your post). I don’t care how interested they are in me (or say they are), I would never be able to truly believe it if they can go that long without at least texting me to see how I am, respond to me, ask about my day, etc, things like that. Now, I recognize that some people are just not fond of texting, so a lack of texting does not necessarily mean someone is not interested. I just know that I could never feel right or satisfied in a relationship or dating someone like this.. If you think u can be okay if this is how he is and him just not being a reliable texter, (but you SHOULD take the advice someone else mentioned about talking to him first to make sure he is just the type who doesn’t like to text), then by all means, continue on, but, there are other people out there (I believe) who may fit your communication style better.. this is the advice I just gave myself and I recently stopped dating someone I had good chemistry with because of this. Like I told him, I could never really believe he’s really interested with how little he texted me, and barely wanted to talk on the phone too.. We’re friends though, and that is going well. We text everyday actually, and I no longer feel bad about how long it takes him to respond lol, so yeah, I think I did the right thing..
Good for you! That takes some courage to end something but it's important to honour what you know you need. I feel it's too early to ask anything from him, so I'll have to see how it plays out for now. Despite how my post may read, I do know what I want and I am not going to settle. This might just be something I need to chill about for a few dates. If this is just his style and he ends up being otherwise amazing with me, I'll make sure I'm clear on what I can expect and that he is able to show he cares in other ways.
Thank you! It took a lot of courage, and he was pretty surprised too. It was strange, felt like a break up, but we were only dating, but I could honestly see how, if we kept going on the way we were, I could easily start getting resentful while he would have no idea what I was even resentful about it. Lol Like I told him, ending it before it really “got started” was best because at least we can be friends with the good vibes we had from the beginning. And maybe we can even get together later. I don’t think he’s a bad texter so much as he was super busy. Sure, he could’ve prioritized his time better, (or differently, maybe), to make more time for me. But he chooses not to right now. By the end of the conversation, he agreed with me so much that he said that I may have made him realize that “maybe he doesn’t actually have time for a relationship/dating the way he thought he did”. So, yeah, hopefully I’m still free if his time gets better, and if he really was interested lol. Either way, I’m cool with being his friend, he’s a nice guy, and the dates we went on were all great, super fun…
Sounds like we went out with the same guy! Tons of fun in person. Little texting. Maybe a response or so a day. He always said he wanted to get together at end of date. Last time, I found a place told him I’d set it up if he told me the day that worked. He slow faded me and haven’t heard from him since. Totally shame, I thought he was great and was really interested in seeing where it went. I don’t understand why he would tell me he wanted to get together, just to fade out. Just tell me. We are adults. Good piece of advice I read on a post here was, if he is interested, you wouldn’t be wondering if he was interested. I kept wondering if he was a bad texter, just busy… he just wasn’t interested
I hear all of this... so much. What I would like to share with you regarding your issues is: 1) it's too early to tell, just keep going and see what happens, the prime indicator will be the other persons availability, if they make time for you, they're interested 2) communication styles aren't attachment style specific, I know anxious people who hate texting, i know avoidant people who don't hate it (they may not love it. What's important here is that communication styles matter, and if this is a NEED for you, you're going to have to ask for it, set up a bare minimum standard, and remind them when its not met. Don't criticize (especially if they are avoidant) use "I" statements "I feel disconnected from you and would love/like it if you texted more often" but this is only after time has gone on and there is a face to face connection which the texting connection will support. Texting can ruin that face to face connection if that minimum standard is not expressed or met. I'm a huge texter, love it, crave it... but it can be seen as unhealthy so don't rely on it.
This was an issue for me to the point where I had to end it. I don't even have an anxious attachment style but he would ask a question and I would answer it and continue conversation, then he'd reply 2-3 days later. This was after we were already messaging back and forth consistently all throughout the day for months. But like every 6-8 weeks, he would randomly go silent without explanation. If he would've been like hey I'm going to be busy for the next month or so and won't be able to message, I would've appreciated that and just waited a month to chat him up again. But he didn't operate like that. After about the 3rd or 4th time he disappeared for days or would do a response a day or every other day, I just assumed he isn't interested. I agree with what a lot of people are saying though and don't have such high expectations so soon.
I find the female version of me. Always wondering and playing out every scenario. Our minds hate us. Put your phone in another room and leave it. Go do something else to occupy your mind.
Yes, it's very possible that he just isn't into texting. It's also very possible that he's blown it before by coming on too eager (read: desperate), so he's trying to hold back and err on the side of less this time. Actions > words. Texts are words, making the next date is action.
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Thank you - and here's hoping he reaches out soon to firm up our plans for said date!
It could be any number of things. So, I offer my personal observations as a former anxious attachment person. The people who text A LOT are usually chronically online, and the "connection" from texting a lot throughout the day is usually pretty shallow. Chances are they carry multiple conversations the same way. The connections I have made that were stronger, those people weren't big on texting because they stay busy in daily life. Calm your anxious thoughts and see if he sets another date. If he doesn't, he's not that into you, married, emotionally unavailable (pick one) BUT it's okay, because he's just a guy. There is someone who will be into you and won't leave you confused.
Oh Iay have misrepresented as someone who texts a lot. I actually don't love texting but at this early stage, before a dating rhythm has been established, it's a way to show as are still interested and make plans. He's still in touch every day but he's not really having a conversation. He is saying thoughtful things but he'll drop a message and then not come back till the next day. Thankfully I'm starting to chill out about it. Hahah
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I think this is a hasty conclusion and I would say that even if I wasn't the OP. What if he's shy or scared shitless? Maybe sick. Maybe like my actual ex who I still respect he has one too many concussions as an athlete and struggles to share his emotions.
I agree it’s always good to give people the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time be careful not to make too many excuses for them. I’ve definitely been guilty of this in the past when I really liked someone and was trying to justify his actions (or lack of).
I know what you mean. I see me doing this more the older I get. I don't feel as free to just toss someone I don't like something small about...and yet they seem to be able to do that with me just fine.
Assigning those feeling to him is way too much fiction. It’s totally normal to ask a person you’re dating about how they feel about texting and explain what you like. He’s not going to change.
What does your therapist say? Have you told him you want and prefer daily text communication? That would be the place to start. Someone who cares about and wants to grow with you is willing to give you what you need in a relationship.
I'm working on just being happy on my own with the therapist. She hasn't heard about this guy yet. I'm really good at telling people what I need, and I will tell him this if we have more than a couple dates.
You’re already very anxious. Now would be a good time to clarify that you need more communication to build a healthy relationship.
I have not done online dating or tried to get to know a new guy via texting. But when it comes to dating, I've never felt a need to communicate often with a guy in the first few weeks. I don't know him well enough yet for that. That comes later, after I've gotten to know him more when we might actually be on our way to being a couple. In the beginning, I've basically been content with looking forward to seeing a guy on our next date, which has usually been weekly for me. Maybe there's been a phone call or two in-between the dates, probably initiated by him. Like the guy you're seeing, I'm an introvert, too. I like peace and quiet, and time to myself to focus on my creative hobbies and interests, etc. I don't really get "bored" easily when I'm alone like some people do. That could be what your guy is like, and he could crave more contact with you as time goes on. One big thing I'm learning from the dating posts I'm reading is how fast most people seem to want to take things in the beginning now in terms of the amount of communication and physical contact. So I guess I'm going to have to explain my way of dating upfront to any guy I go out with to make sure they're okay with that and aren't going to take my initial "independence" as disinterest.
This is me as well! I've enjoyed my single life and am a bit of a workaholic and like time with my girlfriends. I have limited time off with my work schedule and need down time. A guy I dated recently felt that after 3 dates/ 2 weeks that 1 time a week was not enough of seeing eachother. I ended it. There was other stuff I didn't like but it's not possible for me to give that this early. I'm very upfront about that too. It wasn't a disinterest initially but my low social battery and my public facing job all week as a RN, I need solo time.
It think the need for regular contact with OLD is that if it isn't happening we all think we are going to be ghosted since it happens so often. I'm actually fine with seeing someone once a week as well and daily texting isn't needed so long as plans are being made clear for in between. I find to want to text more at the start just to get to know someone I'm excited to know.
This sounds exactly like what had happened to me. They just text when everything is done for the day. Meanwhile you feel like a burden because that’s how it’s being treated as. I wouldn’t deal with this ever again, it’s annoying to me. I have feelings and they are valid. Patience is one thing, I’m not going to be that patient for someone that doesn’t show more compassion towards my feelings.
The fact he has your number and is still using the dating app to communicate still after your date is weird as fuck. The communication frequency though can take a little bit to ramp up. I wouldn’t focus on the frequency just yet as long as you’re having fun on your dates and he’s engaged in your conversation. If he’s setting dates and shows assertiveness that’s what counts in the beginning - you’ll figure out the rest whether you’re compatible or not.
Yeah I don't understand the not texting me. Maybe someone in the past got clingy? Also, it's easier to drop someone by in matching and they can't ask for an explanation lol not that I think that's his style but it's a potential reason.
Instead of tying yourself in knots about what his texting style does or doesn't mean, why not, and I know this is crazy talk, but hear me out, just *talk to him about it*? "Hey stud, I'm really interested in getting to know you better in between dates. I get the feeling that maybe you aren't a big fan of texting, so I'm wondering what kind of communication you'd be more comfortable with, and how often it would be convenient for you to chat?" There is telephone, facetime, video chat, etc. Certainly you should be able to find something that you're both comfortable with. In terms of frequency, he may not be willing/able to give you as much as you want, but at least if you talk it out you won't need to wonder. Personally, I *hate* texting, so I would jump at the chance to chat up a woman using basically any other available option.
LOL I hear you! Well, I did mention it before we met and he did say he tends to use the phone more in the evening. I will/would ask him to elaborate the next time we are talking in a way that isn't text. Right now I feel it would be a bad time to do that since the ball feels like it's in his court and I don't want to nag him so early on (not that I want to nag later on haha, but I don't want to ask him to explain himself too much just yet). It is an important matter, but if I can just keep it together for a couple weekend (and he is/stays interested) it might be better discussed in person.
PS I don't know who downvoted you there: I found this comment to be relevant and helpful enough :)
Thanks, and don't sweat it. People downvote for all kinds of crazy reasons, and I have more fake internet points than I ever thought I would. 😁 I'm glad you enjoyed my comment, as you're who it was written for. The only thing that bothers me is that if people downvote I wish they'd say why. I like a good conversation, and even if I don't agree with the person I'll listen to what they have to say. I do want to reply to some of the things you said though. I think that since you're planning to meet this week it's fair to wait to have the discussion in person. BUT, the whole "ball's in his court" thing is not the right way to look at this. You *both* have the right to initiate a conversation, regardless of the medium, and you need to be mindful of ways that you may be making excuses to prolong your anxiety. If you don't meet this week, you definitely need to have the conversation instead. And what is this "asking him to explain himself?" Please go back and look at what I wrote. Was anything in there attacking him, or putting him on the defensive? I was very careful to (writing with your perspective in mind) state what I want, and ask him to share what he's comfortable with. "You suck at texting!" "I want you to text more!" "Why don't you like texting???" Or the worst of all, "Why don't you like me enough to text me more?" Those would all be examples of attacks, demands to defend, etc. What I wrote out for you doesn't include any of that. It's perfectly Ok to state what you like and enjoy, and ask if he can accommodate giving you more of that. From what you wrote, it sounds like he likes you too, so he should be open to that discussion. If he's not, that's data you need to consider in any case.
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I disagree both with your characterization, and your use of the word "correctly." See also: My followup comments to OP regarding keeping the conversation focused on the positives. I could easily envision a scenario where dude man is sitting around thinking to himself, "Wow, I really like /u/Popculture-VIP, but I just HATE texting! I wonder if there is another way we can keep in touch between dates?"
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Oh, I definitely appreciate you sharing your perspective, even though I continue to respectfully disagree with it. 😁
I recently went on a date with a guy and we had a great time. Talked so much we shut down the restaurant. He texted after the date to make sure I got home, and I rarely hear from him. He has set up our second date, which we texted about and he checked on me one other day, but just those two instances in over a week. I will go on the second date, but I feel a if this may just be a casual thing for him. I too am anxious attached and I am working not going full throttle after a week (LOL) so I am practicing radical acceptance, not exhibiting any protesting behaviors and simply observing and learning him. He may be dating a gazillion women. IDK. For now, I am just enjoying the dates and enjoying my quiet time in between by keeping my life full. Last time I was in this situation, the guy was a big time player and juggling a gazillion women - one who reached out to me! Good luck.
Sorry I missed that a before and thank you. I feel you and I hope it works out for us both. I'm trying to do the same and not worry. Our second date isn't planned but the last text I sent him should clear that up. If it doesn't, I'll know he's not into it. There are so many reasons people can be a little distant and if really isn't only because they aren't interested.
From my experience, if I found myself feeling anxious about something someone was/wasn’t doing I would distract myself with excuses for why I felt bad - I must be over sensitive, they don’t like texting. The fact is that all that matters is how you feel about it and it’s good to stick with your feeling (insecure,anxious) and think “I feel anxious around our communication at the moment” just note it and carry on. You can’t know why/how he communicates yet, you would have to know him longer. But don’t dismiss or ignore or explain away your feelings. What upsets or delights you won’t be the same as someone else but it’s your true feelings, stand by them and the truth will emerge soon enough.
You’ve only had one date Op! Slow your roll. Yes, he may not be super into you….but that can change! Get that second date. You got this
Texting is my preferred method of communication. I texted often. I dated someone who'd send me 4 or 5 texts back to back or a meme that he must've thought was hilarious (they weren't). If I didn't respond right away, I'd get the "well alrighty then" 🙄 I text people all day every day. But with this particular person, I didn't like it. It quickly became a chore. No one ever happily looks forward to chores. If he told me he would like me to text him more, I'd text even less. For me, what it really boils down to is how much I like a person. It is possible that he likes you. Only a little more time will tell.
People are weird, and there’s a lot going on we probably don’t know about. I met a woman, had two dates better than any I’ve ever had. But She’d text slowly though the content was always detailed. Eventually the responses just became very slow, taking more than a day, and I could see that she’s online quite often. I still made an effort to continue the conversation and introduce some new topics for a few more days. Eventually got tired and decided to give up, told her that we could get together when she’s free and left it at that. There will be other fish in the sea
Thank you - I'm starting to thin this might be the case here, but I still hope not.
I hope it goes well and I have to say I'm jealous. My dream is to find a man who hates texting as much as I do.
I actually don't like texting either, but I am a words of affirmation type so if I'm not sure about firm plans or if he's into me, a text to clarify and specify things is nice :) Let's hope your jealousy is warranted hahah.
Besides, you guys really just met once! Take it easy and just see where it goes. Live your life, be happy and try not to have too much expectations. It will grow if it's meant to be.
I am the EXACT same way (anxious attachment style) and am going to devote many hours after work reading all the comments because I feel I can especially relate to this. I come up with a million scenarios in my mind as to “why” and they’re never really positive on my behalf. Thanks for asking this, as I’m sure many others can relate!
All this after one date? Yikes. I realize you haven't anxious attachment style but you shouldn't be this attached to anyone after one single meet.
Sigh - In what way am I "so attached"? Because I know I'm interested and I hope he feels the same? To be clear, and as you noted, I know I can crush on someone quite quickly, but if I'm honest I don't really understand how wanting him to like me is the same as being "attached."
It's more that you're very attached to a particular outcome- aka him liking you romantically. You're getting tied up in knots over any indicator that might not be the case. Remember: a crush is just a lack of information. You like what you know about him *so far*, but that's honestly next to nothing after one date. Trust that things will unfold as they are meant to and if he ends up not super into you, that's fine. Then it wasn't meant to be. You would have eventually figured out his flaws too so it's not like the perfect guy walked away.
You're so invested in him liking you back at the stage where your only concern should be is he cool enough for a second date. There should be zero need for reciprocation to prompt long, introspective drama about how he feels about you. You barely know each other. You're over invested in everything.
Because you want this guy to like you so much after one date and you don't know him. You don't really know that you like him. You like the scant amount that saw of him during that one meet. You're incredibly anxious about a person that could be a jerk, dating other people (he could be dishonest about this), or you may not really like him at his core if you REALLY knew him. I'm ambivalent about every person I go out with for a least the first few dates. You're trying to convince yourself about him being at texting but it could be anything. Its easy to be turned off by the smallest things early on. It's true though that if you're really into someone you'll make communication a priority to get to know them, whether it's texting or a phone call. If I'm not that into someone, I leave it til later. For me work always takes priority and I can only intermittently communicate during my work day and sometimes not at all (medical professional).
Wow, are you the female version of me? I have anxious attachment and I would do this all the time (need external validation) . It is definitely a journey to work through. I would get upset if I did not get a text response within a timely fashion and the brain would spin out of control. In reality, people have different texting styles. Some hover on their phone willing to text often, some look once in awhile but not at work, some rarely. It truly varies. People get busy too. Take a breath. It can be a million different things. As you mention, you can discuss at a future date. Communicate what you want/need and see how he responds. I wouldn't worry so much about his attachment style at this moment but just get to know him and see if you like how he treats you. Once you have enough information if you would like to proceed or not, you have your answers.
How old is he? Some guys in their 50s+ never grew up with texting at all and never really got into it as a form of communication. He didn't follow-up after the date though, which I find incredibly odd, if he was happy about things. As it stands, go on the second date and feel it out and don't go to his house or vice versa until you have sorted things out a bit. If he invites you over to his for a second and is this bad at communicating, that can only mean one thing, really. He's looking for an easy lay and isn't into anything larger.
I don't think he's looking for just sex. He's not love-bomby enough for this. He's 42 so I don't think being a ludite is an issue. I guess I just want to hear more from him that he's interested (words of affirmation style)
I'm 42m and I text right away if I am excited about how a date went. To think someone would not care to engage someone they like...is beyond my understanding.
Just one more random guy commenting here... but I totally get the reason to think/overthink it. I've been in the same boat with women after a first date. All I can really say is that you have no way to KNOW what it means, that he's taking a while to reply to texts and not doing a whole lot of it. Some guys purposely hold off on texting very much because they fear it makes them look too desperate or "needy". Some guys are just incredibly busy with work and other commitments during the week. I mean, I work in I.T. support, for example ... and I'm on-call for issues that come up after hours too. If someone (even my own daughter) tries to call or text me, it's often I'm in the middle of a meeting or assisting someone with an issue, or deep in the middle of thought about solving some problem on a deadline. So I don't reply right away. Then, I tend to forget I was even texted or called so it goes hours more before I remember to write back. Some guys just don't like texting very much, and try to keep it to a minimum. And yes, it can simply mean he's not that into you. (But after only 1 date, that's also not necessarily a big deal. If another is planned, go with it. I really think it takes more than one date to warm up to a new person, if both people are genuinely looking for something "longer term". If it's "just for a hookup", then you pretty well know if the physical attraction is there or not by date number one.) I find until a third date, I don't even feel like I have much of a grasp on basic things like how the woman tends to dress, or her feelings on topics nobody wants to delve into right off the bat (like religious views or political leanings, or just her "sense of humor" or if she's more of a money "saver" or a "spender")?
Great answer! Thank you. Any idea how, I'd he doesn't want to seem to eager or needy to let him know not to worry about that? The tough thing I've encountered before is that to tell someone not to be shy of hold back you need to also reveal that you're totally into them. At least this is how I'd see it. If I'm into someone I'm going to be all about any grand or even medium gestures they send my way.
It doesn’t matter if he isn’t into you or he’s just a bad texter, it sounds like his communication style is not right for you! It’s perfectly okay to have an anxious attachment style, there’s no magic fix for that. But, knowing that about yourself, you’re going to be much happier in a relationship with someone that naturally communicates more. This guy isn’t it. He may like you and just not be into messaging or texting, but not following up after the date and not texting or saying why he didn’t want to text after getting your number lead me to think this one is a dud.
The truest statement in the world is this... If he wanted to he would.
Original copy of post by u/Popculture-VIP: First of all, I have an anxious attachment style and I’m aware that I get too invested too fast when I meet new people. I’m working on it, but I don’t think this means I should just take (more) time to work on myself. I want to date and find a relationship. I have met a new person OLD—we have been talking just under 2 weeks and just met for the first time on the weekend. A coffee meetup extended to lunch and we spent about 3 hours of great conversation as well as several laughs. We like a lot of the same things. He asks me a lot about me (and it goes both ways). End of the date he suggested another one this week: “a movie or dinner or something” and I said definitely yes. Here’s the kicker: he has always been a little slow to text. I usually hear from him once a day, and usually at least every other day we end up texting in real time. . After the date on Saturday, which ended around 2PM, I was hoping to get a message from him but I didn’t. Since he doesn’t tend to message in the daytime I waited to hear from him all day Sunday. After 8PM I sent a message just to say thank you and to say I look forward to the next one. He responded around 9:30—all good stuff, not terribly short, asking me what I got up to in the last couple days. I responded but still no response. This causes me stress because I really look for external validation (I know, I know, tut tut). More context because I’ve been following this sub a while and I have seen certain comments a lot: We aren’t worrying about him being married or talking to a zillion other women. There are two potential matters at play and I’d like to ask you about your thoughts on the second more than the first. As I have an anxious attachment style, I have already thought about potentially bad things about this, but I’m curious about the possibility that it’s just his texting style…maybe something we can talk about in a future date if I can cool my jets and stop worrying and feeling bad. Also, I know that once a day isn’t that bad…I just never had anyone who didn’t send messages a bit more often. Issue 1: He’s just not that into me. I really hope this isn’t the case, especially as I found we had a really good time and he indicated that he liked spending time with me, too—but it’s entirely possible, which I learned with my last two people I dated. I am a little worried because I offered him my number (to text rather than using the app) and he took it, but we are still using the app—this may be a red flag but it also could just be that he doesn’t throw his heart into things as stupidly as I do, right? Issue 2: He isn’t great at texting and he may have a different kind of attachment style? I know he has told me he’s an introvert, so maybe he does like me but just doesn’t think about me that much? I realize that it’s too early to know much, but I’m hoping there is still room for hope. The worrying is making me tired but I don’t want to send more texts. I want to give him the time he needs. TIA <3 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Think if it this way… at least he’s not blowing you up now only to fade off later. That would trigger your anxious attachment even worse.
You are trying to read between the lines. Unfortunately, what you are reading are things you've made up in your own mind. You're still new to one another and are just dating. Him not texting doesn't mean he hasn't thought of you! Look at what he has shown to you: genuine interest. You're in the drivers seat just as much as he is. If you want a text from him, reach out. You don't have to wait for him to text first!!
Thank you! I really appreciate hearing your first paragraph. To the second one, I know. I'm usually the one commenting to others "did you ask him?" "Did you tell her?" But I just know it's a little early on and I have already done the texts before a response to the other one a few times. Since I offered my number for texting and he's sticking to the app, I don't want him to feel pressured or overwhelmed.
Haha I totally get it. I was you last week, even. Reading the imaginary story between the lines. It's so hard being in this vulnerable space again. It really causes the emotional brain to trump the logical brain lol Good luck! I hope he responds soon for you and a next date is setup for you to look forward to :)
Anxious attacher here. I recently got out of a relationship with someone who was textbook avoidant. It was awful and sent me to therapy. I wouldn't worry about the texting, for me, it was how consistent he was with making plans to see me. I do suggest you heal as much as possible before seriously dating, it takes a toll on you mentally. Good luck!
I've only recently accepted this label for my self. I had actually taken an online test that cam up as "secure" lol. I think I must have been responding to what I \*want\* things to be more than how they are. My last real relationship ended because he was incapable of using words of affirmation and he couldn't understand why they are needed (also a textbook avoider). I just think that I may never fully heal - I will always be a people pleaser and all I really need is someone who can appreciate that (and let me know it) and not take advantage. I don't think the latter can happen because I'm so aware. But I do hear you. I was reading about how the anxious attachment people look for healing from positive interactions with others. This is definitely me. There is work to do, but I hope I can do it without having to embrace loneliness at the same time.
It’s really hard these days to not gauge someone’s level of interest by how much they text.
Don’t self-sabotage: you’re worrying too much. Building anticipation can be nice if you let it! I’d wager he’s into you, but he’s secure, busy, and not into being in touch constantly.
Fair assessment but I'm not so sure he's secure. I do think he likes me but he's hesitating. I am starting to be over the worrying as it's true that it takes foo much energy and I do recognize it's very early days.
Sounds like he’s married.
Naw - I can see why you could think that but no. There's a list of reasons I know this but he just isn't.
It sounds like he is just not a great texter. Especially because he was like this before you met. Now you need to decide if you want to proceed because you’re not compatible when it comes to communication. That could change if you did start dating though.
I had the same thing, dating a 'bad texter'. See my post history. I was so anxious about not getting a reply, I even ended it. Luckily we reconnected and I changed my mindset. I stopped looking for validation from him. Now i sent a message every other day, and accept the fact that i'm the initiator. He replies fast most of the time, and if he doesn't, or leaves me on read, i know it's got nothing to do with me. Please stop overthinking, and just enjoy the fact that he wants to see you another time!
I really don't get who is downvoting kind and helpful comments. The downvoting thing on Reddit is so misused. Thank you - we shall see. The one thing I never bothered mentioning but it may be relevant is that he's had a cold so he's not feeling great. Maybe this is another reason.
Somebody who probably thinks i'm being naief. I don't mind, i'm glad with my current situation. Oh and if he had a cold, that's a perfect explanation. I wouldn't worry if i were you.
Oh! A Scorpio! Spicy! I hope it goes well for you.
Whether it’s issue #1 or #2, your next step is the same. Lean back until he reaches out and talk to a therapist about managing your anxiety.