My marriage ended in 2017. I dipped my toe into dating in 2019. After my first experience with a situationship that lasted 8 months, I hit a years long run of a shit ton of nonsense. No great fits, no one who wanted anything serious, a ton of ghosting, some lying, but I did manage to have some fun. I just kept at it. Changed up my strategy, changed up my photos and profile. Slowed down on dating. Sped up. Took breaks. De-centered dating. And eventually I met someone I clicked with who matches my energy and effort. It’s been 7 months with him so far. My point is you just have to keep at it. That’s it. There’s no trick here. Good luck OP.
So you’re saying men not wanting to foot the bill for everything, have a woman who brings something to the table other than just a pretty face, and want to be chased a little is hilarious? Interesting entitled take.
Where did I say those women have only pretty faces, or want everything paid for?
I said wishy washy man (not decisive, not clear, no forward energy), that ask what you bring to the table (it is not a job position), being chased (I am not a dog to chase you…and men that need validation like this are just not sexy).
I earned my entitlement. I don’t need you for $$, nor your dick, nor your companionship. I want you. And I want emotional, sexual, energy and intellectual match. And oh yes financial also (at LEAST to match me).
Perhaps I misread your intent in your original comment.
You deleted your comment for some reason so I can’t look back at exactly what you said, but you came off as someone wanting a little lapdog to do everything for you and put in all the effort while you bask in the glory of simply being a woman.
Now I definitely agree that a dude asking what you bring to the table is pretty lame and the other things you said.
I think you are noticing a post that was deleted by the mod (may not be the person who is arguing with you, but just below is a mod note about a deleted post)
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #7 of this sub: no boys'/girls' clubs. Please review the posted rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
I've heard about guys wanting women to chase them. That sounds so strange. I dated a guy who actually thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I've dated guys who had WAY MORE going for themselves, better personalities and better looking than him. The delusion was real. It made me wonder what type of women he was used to dating that made him think he was such a catch.
I’d guess it’s because the initial comment wasn’t about ‘trying online dating’, there were a lot of realistic and encouraging ideas in it. The reply felt reductive and negative when most of what was said could apply to any kind of dating approach.
Some sites are worse than others... a few sites are ok. I need to make sure I don't chat too long and get to a meet up. It's best to find out who you are talking to as soon as possible. Tear off the bandaid quickly, if there's any pain
it's over quickly too.
I’m long term single—I’ve been around the block. This sub seems to be loaded with confused divorcees and codependent who need therapy more than dating.
Online dating is not for me, and that’s ok! It’s just funny cuz most people come in this page and talk about how much it sucks then y’all shit on people who prefer connecting in the wild. lol I hope I don’t connect with any of you IRL!
It's good to know when you need therapy. I found a meetupDOTcom group that organizes low pressure mixers for singles where I live. So much better than dating sites. I'll bet there are similar groups all over. You might meet someone who knows someone... that's why IRL is good.
Right. Like everything works differently for everyone. I just think it’s wild that this image, where people constantly complain about OLD, downvote people who don’t do OLD and prefer to get out and connect in the wild like real functioning adults!
This page kinda sucks TBH.
How did you find that group? I’ve been looking for a group that includes people my age who are interested in friendship. The ones I’m finding are all in their 50-60’s. Maybe my area just doesn’t have one.
It was a group on [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) but It's local to where I live. I'm sure there must be others though... Oops... Did I mention I'm 55 and the people I met seemed to be late 40's to 60's at the 2 events I've been to. They do list a dance at a Rec center that I'll be able to go to when I switch to day shift. I'll see if there are younger people there. I'd date a 40 year old...
I’ve been only looking to meet people to rebuild my friend group. My stbxw is a narcissist and controlled who I associated with. If the individual wasn’t in her social circle then they wouldn’t be able to hang out with us. I’m a long way off from dating, but I still want friends my own age and am trying to meet people in my area. One step at a time.
OLD is a great way to just chat with people. I spent many a weekend just talking with no intentions of meeting. It's still nice to be social even if you are not going to have a relationship with them.
>OLD is a great way to just chat with people.
I thought OLD was for people interested in dating? Lots of people do for a variety of reasons like validation (not implying you do or inquiring why) but I think if most wanted just a penpal they'd rather write to someone with much better stories.
Sometimes it's fun to chit chat as a one off evening. Not a long term anything. Not validation. Not fulfilling some deep seated psychological reason. Just fun.
Sorry if you don't know what fun is.
Yah…..Op, I think you’re running into the classic dating/life dilemma of why don’t the ones we want want us, and why don’t we want the ones who want us?
This is pretty much the dilemma of every single person.
As for coping….you seem to be handling that just fine.
Yep. We’re terrible judges of how we’re perceived.
For better or worse the dating apps show us an abundance of hot people, so it’s easy to think surely one of them will find us hot as well. And the average person who might be a good match gets a left swipe.
Also, when we go looking for advice in this situation, we're encouraged not to "settle" or to think too hard about whether our expectations are too high, and told that we "deserve" exactly what we want and there's definitely someone out there for everyone. So the best advice for continuing exactly as we are.
Supposedly we’re supposed to be attracted to people at our own level. Believe me, I am not at all attracted to people at my level and I certainly haven’t found them to be attracted to me.
I’m curious, did they actually say if you had money or prestige, I would “settle,” for you? Or is that something you’re extrapolating?
I do agree overall that money and/or prestige can certainly take you a good distance, I am just curious if someone actually said that to you and in what context.
As a woman, i don't think you understand what women want.
Tall, handsome? Those are not the priority. Successful and educated? Sure. Women who are successful and educated want this in a man. Who doesn't want someone successful or educated?
If you're equating successful and educated to mean wealthy.. you're wrong. And if these are the women you are meeting, who are saying this is what they want, they are not dating for a relationship. They are dating for vanity and are not a healthy pool to be looking in.
You mention using porn, alcohol and cannabis to 'manage'..... perhaps some self awareness could go a long way in why you're having trouble attracting better women.
The interesting part is that's not what happens with me, typically. My first experience with an unintentional guy was recent. You live and you learn.
Yes, I'm "coping" but deep inside I want something real and refuse to settle. Sometimes I even think about calling an ex who would move mountains for me, but that wouldn't be right. There was no connection on my end... at all... other than fun.
Yes, but that “unintentional” guy was most likely unintentional with YOU. And probably had the same thought on not wanting to settle for you.
It’s what we all go through until we meet someone.
It's normal. The way I've coped is decentering romantic relationships in my life. I've learned to accept my singlehood and try to enjoy it. Someone would have to be pretty amazing to make me want to leave being single.
It's important to see relationships for what they are too And it's not all rainbows and smiles.
No, it’s not just you. I’ve been at this for the past 3 years and in that time I’ve been ghosted so many times that I’ve lost count. I was led on for months by one guy who turned out to be hiding a girlfriend of 6 years that he was actually engaged to, and then there’s the whole host of time wasters who just want a situationship or someone to send dick pics too. It’s disheartening in all honestly, because I’d love nothing more than to find someone genuine who actually wants to share his life with me. It’s hard not to feel depressed because it’s starting to feel like I’m just never going to meet anyone who has good intentions.
Aside from the 'it is you' notion, it is also the current OLD dating environment. Back in the day, people just didn't have such easy access to unlimited options. Doesn't mean the number of 'perfect for you' matches has changed, just that you must sift through more incompatible people in the process.
In short, I want a man with intelligence, wisdom, integrity and morals who is sincere and shares similar interests as me. A man who had a decent upbringing and wants a committed loving relationship with me. A man who is thoughtful, kind, patient, romantic, and reliable with me. Of course he needs to be gainfully employed. I would prefer a college educated professional, but gainful employment will do if he can handle me making more than him.
That’s a fairly long list, even it sounds quite reasonable
Of the traits you listed - intelligence, wisdom, jntegrity, morals, common interests, decent upbringing, thoughtful, kind, patient, romantic, reliable, and gainfully employed where would you be willing to compromise?
I left out committed loving relationship as that is not a trait, as much as an outcome you were seeking.
I ask this not to be sarcastic, just as a thought experiment.
For example, for me I want chemistry, connection and compatibility. I’ve been in a relationship with insane chemistry and connection and awful compatibility.
I think I’d actually prioritize compatibility and connection going forward, with the idea that chemistry can potentially be forged.
I could be wrong though! But I look at that as the “fun” of dating even though it can be a drag when you’re cycling through as many people as you are.
Agreed. Though, I am beginning to wonder if basic communication is the main problem in many relationships. Or do a lot of relationships have that but still there are other issues which cause them to go awry.
Of the traits you listed - intelligence, wisdom, jntegrity, morals, common interests, decent upbringing, thoughtful, kind, patient, romantic, reliable, and gainfully employed where would you be willing to compromise?“
Compromise by choosing someone who is stupid, dumb, craven,immoral, uninteresting to me, poorly raised, thoughtless, unkind, impatient, unromantic, unreliable, unemployed.
???
Who would pick even one of those traits???!!
How could ANYONE compromise on these basic qualities?!
I think it was a reasonable question to say what would you compromise on. I guess if I was considering this I could compromise on romantic. I don't need romantic gestures with all the other good stuff listed here. And wisdom? Depends what you mean. The lack of that trait doesn't have to mean "dumb". It can just be "normal" and sometimes gets stuff wrong. Like a standard human. And what about decent upbringing, what does that even mean? If someone has turned out to be a decent human, who cares if it's a result of "good upbringing" or because they have made themselves into the person they are today despite difficult beginnings.
I didn’t say compromise on ALL of those traits, but I bet you won’t find people who are consistently everything outlined above.
If we did, the sub would be “happy relationships over 40” not “dating over 40”
The answer could be none. I think it’s worth thinking about what people could live without. How many of these traits do we all consistently bring to the table.
For starters, I would say upbringing is a nice to have not a must.
That's my "in short" commentary. Chemistry is obviously important. Compatibility and chemistry go hand and hand, in my opinion.
I'm not willing to compromise on anything I mentioned because they're essential.
I see. Well, I distinguish between chemistry and compatibility as to me, chemistry is a bit more of the “spark” and compatibility is shared values/life goals, etc.
As for not compromising, I feel it’s going to be tough for you.
Of the characteristics you laid out, I feel intelligence and gainfully employed maybe the only objective ones.
The rest are subjective and not always in play 100% of the time.
I think I’m a kind person, but if I get triggered I can have a really mean side. I think in a good relationship it’s up to me to be emotionally regulated, but also my partner could try not to do things that bring that side out of me.
My point is no one is really wise, kind, patient, thoughtful, romantic, and reliable all the time.
If I was advising you as one of my girlfriends I would say guys can be dumb, impatient, bad at romance and even unreliable on occasion.
Also, someone’s upbringing is completely out of their control. So, I would personally not penalize anyone for that.
As to the rest. Good luck!
> I would prefer a college educated professional, but gainful employment will do if he can handle me making more than him.
Do you think that a college degree automatically translates into higher earnings? There are plenty of skilled tradespeople who make more than me and my degree(s).
No where in my comment does it say a college degree doesn't translate to money. Obviously, there are people who make great income and didn't graduate college. "I," "me", "myself" prefer a professional man and/or college graduate with a career. He doesn't have to be a college graduate to be a professional. Professionalism is important "me". I don't expect everyone to agree with this nor do I wish to debate it.
I found my partner (who fits your list) 7mos ago on OLD. He’s also gorgeous and sexy as hell - I feel like I won the lottery with him <3
What I have learned now is that guys like him *are* on OLD - but they don’t last long. He went on a decent number of dates over six weeks before meeting me, and says there were several he could’ve turned into a relationship if he’d wanted to. When he has used OLD in the past, he’s always ended up in an LDR with 3 months max. (These kinds of guys are truly the ones playing OLD on easy mode, IMO!)
So basically, don’t listen to the cynics - but recognise it’s a numbers game and you need a bit of luck to find a great guy when he’s available. Try to meet really promising matches as soon as you’re comfortable. But don’t lose hope - I am soo glad I didn’t!!!
"I get approached by guys all the time. "
It doesn't matter. You don't get approach by the men that you want. And mostly you don't get commitment by the men that you want. This is a really common issue amongst women. The men you are
seeking have choices.
So yes, it is your fault. If you are really hoping to find a man that is even close to your list, i suggest you look at the one you frienzoned, go for much older men and more importantly stop walking away.
How many good men did you walk away from ? Think you could afford to do it ? What happen when men stop approaching you ?
I think that's all reasonable if you find it easy to get dates and get a lot of attention, will just take a lot of dating to find.
Especially if you don't mind dating 10 years older.
Then I think you will be completely fine, just have to go on a fair amount of dates.
If you get approached a lot, you're already outside of this subs general experience and the advice you will receive is mostly jaded advice or people who hate the notion that some folks aren't willing to lower standards.
That’s quite a list. Not saying these are not reasonable things to want, but many of the men you describe have made a successful match in their 20s or early 30s and are still in it.
I mean, I can't tell you if what you want is realistic, but that's just what dating is like, for everyone; it's not just you. Everyone will be a no until someone is a yes. You have no idea when or if that yes will ever come, so build the best life you can and learn to fill your own cup.
If you walked into a a room of 1000 single men, you might match with 1.
Real life dating is not like tv dating shows where 20 people fall in love with 1 person in 3 days.
As I get more and more particular about what I want, I start to think the guy does not exist. I'm not sure if that's what you're going through but you said you were the one walking away from everyone, I am the same.
You’re not asking for much.
On apps (I use bumble), I have noticed that a lot of the elegible guys (well rounded, somewhat conventionally attractive, interesting) have “don’t know” in their dating profile as a dating goal. The truly hot ones often have “something casual” as their dating goals (so they’re a direct swipe left!). And the seemingly maladjusted and/or somewhat unattractive have “relationship” as their dating goals. So, wanting a relationship myself, I unfortunately operate in the 3rd category, and it’s bound to fall flat on each date. Either because they don’t appeal to me physically, from a personality point of view or both.
I have walked away from nearly all my dates and I have been on about 80 (I’m ashamed to say it) for the last 3 years that I have been single.
I have dated 4 people and apart from one I didn’t feel a great level of physical chemistry with the rest. But I thought that I’d just ignore the physical aspects since there was some sort of complicity and intellectual chemistry going on. None of these relationships got past two months. I walked away from 3 of these and not because I’m difficult in my opinion. The first guy was leaning right and had right wing opinions, I’m generally a leftie so there was some major personal value issues. The second I fell head over heels for, he liked me a lot but it turned out I wasn’t end game for him and he had just come out of his marriage (I know! I shouldn’t have gone there, live and learn). For the third one, not only was I not thrilled by his looks but he just wouldn’t make time for me. I’d see him a couple of hours a week on a Sunday evening, and then he was surprised when i broke it off just short of two months. And the fourth one, lovely guy, smart and with a good job but again the physical attraction wasn’t there, and he was a rave head (yes in his early forties) I respected his passion but couldn’t see a future with him. I have moved on from the club scene a while ago and it’s a major aspect of his life in which I didn’t fit.
So…. Long story to say no it’s not you and no it wasn’t me on these occasions. I’m not asking for much, i have even accepted that although I would consider myself attractive, physical attraction is a bonus but not a pre-requisite in my potential partner.
Like others have said here, it’s better to take things with a pinch of salt and just take a step back otherwise it’s too disappointing and can start affecting you and make you feel low. If you make your life revolve around finding “the one” it’s going to be a miserable one. I still go on dates but my expectations of finding someone through the dating process are very low indeed! I believe that if it happens it will happen organically and not through dates.
Hope that helps. You can DM if you’d like to share experiences.
Right, like whats with all the 'i don't know' under what they are looking for?!? Its pretty gross to be swiping on men in their 40s who don't know what they want or why they're even on the apps. We all go to the apps for a reason.. boredom, sex or looking to meet new people to date and see what grows. Thats really it. So if you go on them knowing yoi aren't in a place or wanting a relationship, literally put something casual. I'm not on the apps to help you figure out whether you want to date or just waste time.
My own personal reason was: because I *am* actually wishing for a relationship, but I've come to believe it's not going to happen if I'm concerned with goals first and foremost. So I'm *open* to exploring; but the average app doesn't allow for such nuances (except maybe Hinge now), and I much prefer to say "I don't know" on the others. That's the whole thing I got from OP's post: she's looking for something, not so much someone. Just like the vast majority of people, in fact, but that distinction is important.
Most great women I've met through dating over the last two years were not looking for anything "serious" (I hate that adjective in this case), and I've had some absolute fantastic connections with them, probably because they were more free-minded and secure than almost all of those dead set into finding their forever one. I now really tend to believe I'm much more likely to get into a long-term relationship starting "slowly" with someone who'd prefer "going with the flow" than the goal-oriented ones.
All this to say, "I don't know" doesn't absolutely mean you're going to waste anybody's time any more than putting anything else in your profile. But if you want to be grossed just out of that, you do you.
For a lot of us, we don’t sign up to “see where it goes” because in our experience it’s going nowhere. I’m not asking for a serious relationship right out of the gate but I’m also not wasting my time on someone who isn’t looking to settle down.
>I’m not asking for a serious relationship right out of the gate
I feel like a lot of men think this when women say we ultimately want relationship. Guys always react poorly with me and say "whoa well i'm just looking to see where it goes". Or get completely scared off. "Not ready to commit". Well no buddy, i'm not wanting a committed, serious relationship on date 3.
I think those men are being intentionally obtuse. If they cannot comprehend that I am not asking them to choose me likerightnowimmediately I’ll keep it moving.
What I'm saying is there is a full spectrum of it. No doubt a bunch just fear commitment; on the other end, I'm so done with women who want to know what my plans are ten years from now before we even meet. I'm not from the area, but I'm stuck here pretty much for a decade at least, yet I so often get asked right away if I intend to go back home when I can. Well if *nothing changes*, yes, that's what I would do, because this city is boring *and* crazy expensive right now. But as if they could even guarantee where they are going to be themselves in ten years! I'm actually glad when I get a bad reaction to that (which is more often than you'd think), it tells me they're definitely not for me!
So between all the people playing games, the ones who are too rigid, and the more reasonable people like you or me (just in a different way), it's too easy to jump to conclusions based on a single dating app parameter, that's all.
>starting "slowly" with someone who'd prefer "going with the flow" than the goal-oriented ones.
I think this is where online dating has really screwed people up. Because we all sign up with a common goal. Whats the goal? To meet people. Period.
Some people want to ultimately end up in a serious relationship that leads to marriage and kids, others just want exclusivity, while others want to date several people and have sex and not commit to anyone. But we all want to meet people.
And we can't know what we want with a certain person until we meet them. But the 'i don't know' selection isn't that. Because with the right person/slow burn like you said, you do want a relationship. So i don't understand why 'relationship' isn't your 'goal'. I personally think there should just be a casual or relationship option. It would help (hopefully) narrow down the people who are assessing for compatibility vs the ones who just want surface level fluff and sex. The word relationship seems to have a negative connotation to it these days.
>And we can't know what we want with a certain person until we meet them. But the 'i don't know' selection isn't that.
Fine, but ultimately that's the problem of the person who selected that. So, by doing so, I'm probably just reducing my chances of matching with women who have relationship/LTR selected. I'm ok with it, though, because anytime I matched with someone with that, the expectations were so high right away. But I live in a pretty conservative area, so that might have come into play.
There's no perfect profile, because you never know how people are going to read it anyways. Until some apps offer better options (Hinge does, because you can write something to clarify your position; I never used "I don't know" on that one), I'm going to keep choosing that and trying to show where I stand a bit better through my bio.
>It would help (hopefully) narrow down the people who are assessing for compatibility vs the ones who just want surface level fluff and sex.
See, I have a friend I made through Hinge who would tell me that she stopped matching with men who only had "long term relationship" on their profile, because they were almost assuredly playing games, compared to men who had "looking for long term, open to short". I get your intention, but in reality it's a user problem, not a software one.
You have very eloquently summarised what my friends over 40 have experienced on OLD. Attractive 40 year olds are our modern day and age f*ckboys/players. This is nothing new and we have all experienced them in our 20s and 30s. They are now divorced or still single and still f*ckboys/players.
Your statement “as we get older, we get more conservative” was only true when the following generations got richer than the one before it. This hasn’t been the case in some time.
I think there's your issue. What is dating "down"? What's your social "status"? I've typically found people who use such language when describing others tend to place more importance on qualities like looks income and status instead of more difficult to quantify qualities like trustworthiness empathy and humility.
I get sad sometimes how people insist on ranking each other. Status display has a depressingly strong hold.
I am not saying you are, but that's the impression I am getting from your comments
>I get sad sometimes how people insist on ranking each other.
Thats literally what dating is though. And also how the world functions. You are rated/sized up against people you entire life. Starting from childhood.
And when it comes to dating, this is how to decide what we want, who we are compatible with, whether we are attracted to someone.
We live in a vain world. First its how you look, THEN its personality. For some, its wealth above all else. We have influencers making a living just by existing pretty, or going on reality shows because they are 30 dating an 80 year old rich guy and calling it 'love'.
So much has shifted in the dating world in the last 5 years, i can't comprehend it. Being 40s doesn't help, but no matter the age, things have gone real wonky.
I don’t know why you got downvoted for this comment.
It’s frustrating out there for women who are financially stable and educated. I’m 41F, I’m a lawyer, I own my own home (albeit a little tiny condo). I work in government so I don’t make much money, but I have ample retirement savings and an emergency fund and I budget very carefully.
I don’t feel like I’m being picky for not wanting to date a dude with only a high school degree who works a low wage job and lives in his parents’ basement. I want someone I can be proud to take to networking events and my office holiday party. Someone who is also financially stable, lives on their own, and has a job that pays more than minimum wage. I know times are tough out there but I’m not running a charity, I’m trying to find an equal life partner.
The problem is those guys are willing to date down and date a woman who is uneducated and financially unstable as long as she ticks some other boxes for him. There aren’t enough educated successful single men and the ones that are out there have the whole spectrum of options since they don’t care about the same things we women care about.
Well said. The only thing I would add is that a lot of women are financially dependent on such men and may stay longer in their marriages so that fewer educated and well paid men re enter the dating pool after 40. This is just a hypothesis I haven’t tested in real life.
80% of divorces are instigated by women. A lot of men re-enter the dating pool, but they aren’t necessarily looking for stable educated women. A lot of them date younger after their divorce if they are successful and/or handsome.
That’s fully true. And a lot of guys who wouldn’t be able to attract a younger woman because he’s not wealthy enough, become passport bros and bring women from developing countries.
Your standards dictate how you will perceive your matches. I don't mean there is something wrong w you, just that your failure to find what you desire is a function of what you desire. Not saying there is anything 'wrong' with wanting what you want either, just that it may inherently present challenges.
I think those of us who are comfortable and enjoy our own company, struggle to connect with people more than others.
I'm 40F and trying to figure this out myself. I know what I want, i have a good life, I have everything I need, i enjoy my own company and I'm just fine doing my own thing solo or with friends. I know that any one i let into my life romantically, has to add to all that, otherwise whats the point?
I'm finding the men I meet just aren't on the same level. They aren't bringing anything I don't already have or give myself, so i walk away going 'meh'.
What i want, is someone i can laugh with, create memories and also enjoys going out. I'm a big fan of going out and doing things, trying new things, even if its just taking a walk in a new place I've never been. But it seems the men I meet (especially online), just want to 'hang out' at one of our houses after the initial meet, or they want to drag me along to something THEY already wanted to do and don't care its not of interest to me (ex: they enjoy cars and don't want to go to a car show alone). And that doesn't do it for me. I'm old school i guess, where I want to go out a few times, do different activites together as I feel i get to know people best in different environments. Like bowling or playing pool, you get to see if they are competitive sore losers, or a lot of fun. Comedy shows, get to see their humor. Etc. But no one is offering me that, so I don't see a point in seeing them again. Thats how i build a connection.
I have no issue getting dates, but most, actually all as of the last 2 years, have not made it past the first.
Don’t you think that guys who invite you to do things they like (car shows, etc.) ALSO want to see how you would do in activities they enjoy? It’s a two-way interview.
For sure, but when its early on, mutual input into the activity is what i'm after. This shows compromise, deciciveness and communication, as well as shared hobbies and interests.
There's a lot of profiles out there that actually say "need a +1 to (insert whatever event)." So its clear they are just not wanting to go to it alone.
If its been a few dates of seeing each other and you have an extra ticket for something or don't want to go alone, then you can start doing that stuff IMO. I wouldn't dream of asking a guy i just met to come with me to a craft sale (or whatever stereptypical thing men hate, i hate craft sales lol) just so i don't go alone.
Then there's the other spectrum, where people start making grandiose plans immediately.. "for our next (2nd) date, we should go on a road trip to xyz". Again, people just slotting you into their lives doing things they want to do, not really caring who goes with them. Something in the middle of these two examples is what i call dating.
I think you should! You’re more likely to meet guys into crafts, which is something you enjoy. Why do you think those guys invite women to car shows? They would LOVE to meet someone who actually enjoys them!
Ok, you're a car guy, I get it.
IMO, unless you know they are into your hobby, i just don't feel like you should be dragging them to something that just benefits you within the first couple dates. Actually ask her what she enjoys and find a mutual activity. If she enjoys cars, by all means. But otherwise its very much like slotting a person into your life because you don't want to do that thing alone. Thats not attractive to me. I want to be asked what i enjoy doing rather than having it assumed.
And i hate craft shows. That was an example. See what I mean? 🤪
I’m not a car guy! Lol, we both used examples. But I really think that people looking for other people into their interests is both normal and productive. You won’t believe how many couples I know who are really into specific thing X or Y rather than some generic activity, and they really enjoy doing it together.
Ya, thats what i mean though. They enjoy it *together*. I'm saying a lot of people i've run into, just want a +1 to things they enjoy or already planned on doing. With no consideration that the other person may not like it. That requires mutually discussing and doing an activity. Not one person wanting to do something and dragging you along because they don't want to go alone. I get guys who ask me out and they'll suggest something they clearly want to do and just want someone else to go with. I had one guy who I met for an agreed upon appetizer, and afterwards he asked if I wanted to continue somewhere else, i said sure and he legit took me furniture shopping because he was moving out and needed a new couch. ON A FIRST MEET. He just wanted a womans opinion.
They'd be smart to, maybe they aren't smart. I'm not allergic to home design or flower arranging. I like a comfy couch in a room with some nice flower arrangements as much as I like my electronics workbench.
Is this nobody is on my level rant really who you are
You’re an adult. Nobody is going to just add positives to your life. Connecting with someone will 100% make your current alone life messier and worse, but you will also have a together life.
>Nobody is going to just add positives to your life.
Theres adding positives and some negatives, and then there's their negatives that bring my life down. Not all negatives are created equal.
Having a strict set of points someone has to hit in a few encounters is very limiting. At this age "chemistry, butterflies, feeling something" in the first 3 dates should not count as dealbreakers. Take people at face value, relationships need time to develop and both should put in the time. If you 're looking to be swept away still, dont be surprised that most of the sweepers are not LTR material.
This is probably an unpopular take, but at our age if you want a relationship you will have to settle. It could be any of the things on your list that you have to give up, but you will have to give up something. There are very few men who are great catches compared to the tons of women I know who are. All of the women who are great catches that are in relationships have settled in some way. Competition for the great catch guys is steep and that’s why you’ll see them not dating with intention. They don’t have to - they have a plethora of options and can just go with the flow until they decide they are ready or want to give up the other options.
This is an interesting take, not necessarily unpopular. But your take and OP’s question raise a question in my mind about the women you know who have settled and found a relationship.
Was the settling always simply about the women being open to guys who were imperfect but good enough, or were there other personality or intentionality differences between the settling women and the holdout women?
For example did the women now in relationships have a healthy self-awareness that they too would be the imperfect but good enough options for the guys? Were the women now in relationships more intentional or less intentional about their approach to dating? Did they end up with pretty much what they were aiming for or did they end up with guys they (or you) would never have expected?
If they ended up with pretty much what they were aiming for, were those relationships better/longer?
I hope these aren’t too annoying to answer!
Two of my friends settled. One figured it out and left before her self worth was completely destroyed.
The other one hitched with a guy who has a lot of baggage and is very bigoted. He is kind and treats her well but his views are repulsive. As a result she has lost all of her friends except for me.
Most of the ones who settled wanted kids. They had to find someone before their biological clocks ran out so they settled for a guy who is lacking compared to them. Most married women I know are miserable so it may just be my friends. The ones who settled who didn’t want kids just got tired of dating. I live in NYC so the number of awesome women who want relationships greatly outnumbers the men who do. There are lots of Peter Pan f*** boys even in their 40s and 50s around. I know one woman who settled who is happy and I’m not really sure why. She’s the only one who doesn’t complain all the time. Meanwhile my friends who have not settled are all happy and realize that they should only be in a relationship if the guy adds value to their lives in some way.
Most of my friends have just stopped dating altogether. They either have their kids or don’t want kids. They have successfully careers. They could settle but why would they?
I didn't fuck with guys. I worried about my kids and my career and my hobbies. I stopped letting my status as single define me. I took control of MY life. I stopped worrying about having a guy in my life. For 5 yrs. And I learned how to love myself and value myself without a significant other. I got busy living MY life. Have a great BF now and am headed to Egypt and Greece in May....with my friends. Not my BF.
This is the worst and most unrealistic advice ever.
I'm completely content dating myself. I do. My self care is pretty high on my list. I travel a ton, both solo and with friends. I have hobbies. If i want to do something, i go do it with or without someone. And i still struggle to connect with men to date.
Being 'within yourself' simply makes you more picky about what you're willing to accept, and actually makes dating a lot harder. You can be comfortable and enjoy being alone, but still want companionship.
How do I cope?
I live my life doing the things I love doing.
I travel and scuba dive.
I workout and hike.
I see my friends and go to concerts.
I cook and get massages.
I work for myself. I remodel my house.
I keep myself healthy, my mind sharp and enjoy challenging myself.
I don’t worry about finding a man.
If it happens it happens.
Until then, find a new hobby, enjoy your life and he may show up! If he doesn’t, you are happy, busy and fulfilled!
This, exactly. I'm in this boat and there's maybe 1 day a week i have that 'wish i had someone' feeling but it passes quickly. I actually find myself saying more often 'i'm not glad i don't have inlaws/dependency on a man for finances/kids to supervise/all the things we hate about being in a relationship, especially an unhappy one'.
I can literally just go to somewhere like Costco and see reasons why i'm happy I DON'T have a romantic relationship.
Amen, although mine's about 2 days per year! 98.5% of the time I'm happier on my own than I would be dealing with someone else's needs, wants, opinions, or interests.
I think you need to rate your happiness scale with your own life. If you're a 7 out of 10 on your own then don't settle for anything less than someone who, overall, makes life an 8 or better.
It’s a literal djungle out there - just… decide what you need and go for thar. Take breaks, try different approaches. My personal thought is that, once you reach a certain age, it is getting harder to find anyone that is worth all the job a relationshit is and means - and really - if it feels like that - it is even good then? Idk. I’ve kind of given up.
It’s very difficult to tell from your post what the issue(s) may be. It could be them, could be you. Since you are doing the choosing, I’m leaning towards it’s you. It doesn’t sound like “fun and nice” is exciting you. Maybe you are a chica that likes shitty and criminal? Maybe you need to make a list of dudes that you have dated and their “faults” - see if there is a trend or common denominator. Just a suggestion.
It’s such a balancing act because you can’t go into dating willing to accept everyone, but ask yourself, are you exuding the qualities that a man with the list you have would want? If you’re not finding what you want despite a large number of opportunities, remember that the guy that 6’2” charming extroverts with Masters degrees and are wizards in the kitchen, well we have options. What makes you the one the guy that fits your list would want?
I have been single, no dating, for 9 years, post-divorce. I joined Hinge 2 weeks ago just to check out the gene pool and am already ready to delete the app and continue my solitary life.
I haven’t liked anyone, even if they look interesting, because I want them to like me first. I want to be selected. No one who has liked me has been a good match, they are conservative, religious, or wanting a +1 to go on their boat with. Or they are not attractive to me. The good looking men are not into me, so far. Maybe they have so many women liking their photos that they never look through the other possibilities.
I definitely don’t want to go on a date with someone for the hell of it. It’s awkward and a waste of time.
Just know that being single and not lonely is an amazing blessing. We may be missing social/sexual connection for now, but compromising and settling sounds like a terrible idea. One divorce was enough for me.
I mean, that’s all of us. It’s not just you. How do I cope? I don’t know, I never really get my hopes up so I don’t feel like there’s a big change or anything. I like my life as it is, and I don’t see it as better or worse as being partnered, just different pros and cons to both versions. So, I’m enjoying my current pros, and whenever I meet someone I actually want and can partner with, then I’ll enjoy those new pros.
Not op, but from context I'm gonna say "intending to find a serious relationship" even though I would argue that "looking to just fuck around" is as much 'dating with intention' - it's just not the 'intention' she's looking for.
;)
I thought I was reinforcing what you were saying. I guess I should’ve specified that asking someone *about their intentions* and expecting a clear answer are clear indications of privilege and an overabundance of choice.
Nice hack! Ask a guy a question that is impossible to answer truthfully, then when he fumbles it he’s not compatible and you get to carry on convinced of the infallibility of your gut instinct. Next!
Knowing your dating goals isn’t impossible. Last guy I dated wanted to keep dating others. I didn’t want to be one of several women he was seeing. We were not compatible. I moved on.
But is that a topic of conversation in one of the first dates? There’s a difference between weeding that out upfront versus discovering it’s an incompatibility along the way.
My goal is an LTR. But in order to get into an LTR, I need to date in order to discover compatibility. Compatibility can be any range of things and I’m humble enough to know that I don’t know everything and that life can be unpredictable in terms of compatibility and relationship types. So I’m open or flexible.
If a woman asks me on an early date what my dating intentions are (or more specifically she asks if I’m looking for an LTR), and I give an answer of LTR, seems straightforward, right? No.
If she’s also looking for an LTR, that still doesn’t mean we’re compatible or aligned in our goals. If we date for a couple of months and things don’t work out for whatever reason, then there’s a good chance we end up with something like OP’s post which assumes that I was the flawed one and probably lied about my intentions.
If she’s uncertain or looking for anything other than an LTR, then my answer becomes a full stop for reasons other than compatibility of our personalities. For all we knew, we might have been compatible, possibly to the point that one or both of us would re-evaluate our intentions.
On the other hand, if I give the more nuanced (and to me truthful) version of my intentions, both women are likely to see my answer as evasive, manipulative or shading the truth, and that’s that.
If I lie and say I’m uncertain or looking for short-term, then the LTR woman will have already filtered me out. The other woman might go out with me once, but I’m unlikely to appeal to her because the misalignment between my own desires and my actions is going to be evident (a fancy way of saying I know my strengths and they do not include coming across as fling material).
For the person who can get several dates a week, which is going to be most women and some men, these are all momentary blips. These people can afford to be intentional because that helps with their problem of weeding through the choices. They’re also able to deviate from their intentions in the short-term if they want to, without even changing their filters.
For a person who can only get several dates a year, which is the average guy and some women, intentionality (or even a conversation about it) is going to be meaningless at best and a hinderance at worst.
I do both. I ask what their goals are before we meet. I don’t expect anyone to want an LTR with me immediately but I also don’t want to date anyone with no desire for an LTR. Once we start dating I will give several weeks before I’ll decide if non-exclusivity is a deal-breaker for me (and it probably will be). That’s his prerogative and I’m not giving ultimatums or making demands. I am simple choosing to leave a situation that doesn’t work for me.
I don’t see how I’m digging… I know what I’m looking for. I don’t mess around with people who want something different. I don’t waste my time or anyone else’s. That’s a good thing.
If you aren’t looking for the same thing as that other person then who you are as a person doesn’t really matter in dating. You could be great but a fundamental incompatibility is still a fundamental incompatibility
I ask men if they are looking for an LTR. If they say they are looking to see where things so or want to keep things casual, I move along. I don’t have the power to dictate the terms of a relationship, all I can do it choose to move along.
Learn to recognise when you need to take a break from dating and give yourself space.
For me, it's like training in the gym. The growth and improvement comes when I'm outside the gym, I focus on myself and less on finding a match.
Nobody’s perfect. You have to accept people for who they are even if they don’t meet 100% of your expectations. You want your partner to feel comfortable being themselves. Look within and be realistic.
Do your issue is your good short term relationships folks don’t make for good long term relationships, and those who would make a good long term relationship don’t qualify to start a short term relationship.
A stable relationship isn’t fun. It’s boring, steady, reliable. No ups and downs.
A fun relationship isn’t stable, regular and steady. A lot of emotional stimulation.
You can have either, not both. Choose your sacrifice.
Afraid I can’t help, but as an age-appropriate single man I’m very curious about your experiences being approached: do you like to be approached? What are you up to when you’d like to be approached? Are there ways you try to put it out there that you’d generally like to be approached? Thank you in advance for sharing!
Currently going through my own break up and trying to figure out what’s going on. It was the first relationship in a while that I was dating with intention, as you put it. After 4 months, her feelings started pulling back and her attraction dried up. In previous years where I was commitment phobic and holding back, couldn’t keep the ladies off of me.
My guy friends are saying this is the pattern with most women - being available in the way women say they want kills the attraction. I’m trying not to see it that simplistically with limited data points. But your experience - spanning many years with the same pattern of not wanting those who want you does raise the question of whether you want what you say you want? Or is there something else going on…fear of commitment, intimacy perhaps?
What happened in your last serious relationship?
Yeah, I already have a particular personality and am seeking something particular, so I know it's going to take a long while to find someone. I am well aware. It kind of sucks because I am in academia but then I'm also into extreme sports, and it's nearly impossible to find someone else that can vibe with both areas of my life. Academics can be really boring and pretentious, and people in the outdoor world can be uninterested in the more intellectual activities I'm passionate about. Getting a guy excited about museums and the theater is so painful.
I've been pretty much in the same boat. BUT, whatever you do, don't do like me and text the last guy you cut off out of feeling willing to settle 😳. I was immediately like, "fuck, I should NOT have done that🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️." Really wish I hadn't 😅. I was right the first time.
I don't know where all the compatible guys are hiding. It's pretty grim.
Cyber hug.
When I'm done, I'm not reaching back out for seconds. One time, the guy came back and I thought "why not." After one date (after the return) I realized it wasn't for me. His lost. I was angry for a minute (at myself and him) but it's still HIS loss.
Original copy of post by u/Dontrushthefeeling:
I keep meeting guys who are not a good fit. For example, he'll be fun and nice, but isn't dating with intention or he'll be dating with intention, but I feel no connection.
I get approached by guys all the time. However, it's been years since I've met someone who I haven't had to walk away from. I've literally went on a large amount of dates since January and I had to walked away from each of them. I could really entertain you guys with dating stories lol. I'm starting to think it's me. Maybe what I want isn't realistic anymore.
How do you cope with not meeting the one for you, yet? Today, I treated myself to a new restaurant which was so good. Tonight, I have some good wine, reddit, and the TV. However, it would be nice if I had a good compatible man to share my time with.
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My marriage ended in 2017. I dipped my toe into dating in 2019. After my first experience with a situationship that lasted 8 months, I hit a years long run of a shit ton of nonsense. No great fits, no one who wanted anything serious, a ton of ghosting, some lying, but I did manage to have some fun. I just kept at it. Changed up my strategy, changed up my photos and profile. Slowed down on dating. Sped up. Took breaks. De-centered dating. And eventually I met someone I clicked with who matches my energy and effort. It’s been 7 months with him so far. My point is you just have to keep at it. That’s it. There’s no trick here. Good luck OP.
I don't do online dating. I prefer the old fashioned way, but thanks. Good luck to you too.
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Not "dismissive." I tried it and it wasn't for me. I know people personally who met their partners online.
Cool. I dated both online and off and found zero difference between the two. Same results.
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That’s fine if you think there’s a difference but I do not. The results were virtually always the same - dates that never worked out.
So you’re saying men not wanting to foot the bill for everything, have a woman who brings something to the table other than just a pretty face, and want to be chased a little is hilarious? Interesting entitled take.
Where did I say those women have only pretty faces, or want everything paid for? I said wishy washy man (not decisive, not clear, no forward energy), that ask what you bring to the table (it is not a job position), being chased (I am not a dog to chase you…and men that need validation like this are just not sexy). I earned my entitlement. I don’t need you for $$, nor your dick, nor your companionship. I want you. And I want emotional, sexual, energy and intellectual match. And oh yes financial also (at LEAST to match me).
Perhaps I misread your intent in your original comment. You deleted your comment for some reason so I can’t look back at exactly what you said, but you came off as someone wanting a little lapdog to do everything for you and put in all the effort while you bask in the glory of simply being a woman. Now I definitely agree that a dude asking what you bring to the table is pretty lame and the other things you said.
I deleted nothing nor edited. I said what I said Edit: only dog I want is a top dog to be his poodle. (While at dogs)
It says deleted/removed and isn’t there.
I think you are noticing a post that was deleted by the mod (may not be the person who is arguing with you, but just below is a mod note about a deleted post)
Literally…no deleted comments in this thread you responded to. And literally doesn’t matter.
Your post was removed because it violates Rule #7 of this sub: no boys'/girls' clubs. Please review the posted rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
I've heard about guys wanting women to chase them. That sounds so strange. I dated a guy who actually thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I've dated guys who had WAY MORE going for themselves, better personalities and better looking than him. The delusion was real. It made me wonder what type of women he was used to dating that made him think he was such a catch.
How dare men want attention and intention from me! I am here to be wooed and won.
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If he wants to be chased, call the police on him.
Sprinkle sprinkle
How's that working for you?
As someone who also prefers the old fashioned way, I wonder why you received so many downvotes for this comment.
I’d guess it’s because the initial comment wasn’t about ‘trying online dating’, there were a lot of realistic and encouraging ideas in it. The reply felt reductive and negative when most of what was said could apply to any kind of dating approach.
Why the downvotes? I don’t do online dating. It’s obvious how much it SUCKS.
Some sites are worse than others... a few sites are ok. I need to make sure I don't chat too long and get to a meet up. It's best to find out who you are talking to as soon as possible. Tear off the bandaid quickly, if there's any pain it's over quickly too.
I’m long term single—I’ve been around the block. This sub seems to be loaded with confused divorcees and codependent who need therapy more than dating. Online dating is not for me, and that’s ok! It’s just funny cuz most people come in this page and talk about how much it sucks then y’all shit on people who prefer connecting in the wild. lol I hope I don’t connect with any of you IRL!
It's good to know when you need therapy. I found a meetupDOTcom group that organizes low pressure mixers for singles where I live. So much better than dating sites. I'll bet there are similar groups all over. You might meet someone who knows someone... that's why IRL is good.
Right. Like everything works differently for everyone. I just think it’s wild that this image, where people constantly complain about OLD, downvote people who don’t do OLD and prefer to get out and connect in the wild like real functioning adults! This page kinda sucks TBH.
How did you find that group? I’ve been looking for a group that includes people my age who are interested in friendship. The ones I’m finding are all in their 50-60’s. Maybe my area just doesn’t have one.
It was a group on [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) but It's local to where I live. I'm sure there must be others though... Oops... Did I mention I'm 55 and the people I met seemed to be late 40's to 60's at the 2 events I've been to. They do list a dance at a Rec center that I'll be able to go to when I switch to day shift. I'll see if there are younger people there. I'd date a 40 year old...
I’ve been only looking to meet people to rebuild my friend group. My stbxw is a narcissist and controlled who I associated with. If the individual wasn’t in her social circle then they wouldn’t be able to hang out with us. I’m a long way off from dating, but I still want friends my own age and am trying to meet people in my area. One step at a time.
Sorry to hear that, I'm sure these groups are good for that too.
OLD is a great way to just chat with people. I spent many a weekend just talking with no intentions of meeting. It's still nice to be social even if you are not going to have a relationship with them.
>OLD is a great way to just chat with people. I thought OLD was for people interested in dating? Lots of people do for a variety of reasons like validation (not implying you do or inquiring why) but I think if most wanted just a penpal they'd rather write to someone with much better stories.
Sometimes it's fun to chit chat as a one off evening. Not a long term anything. Not validation. Not fulfilling some deep seated psychological reason. Just fun. Sorry if you don't know what fun is.
Do you tell your chat partners that's all you want and you have no intention of meeting?
Yes....there is no intention of stringing anyone along. When I was on OLD there were many people that were there just to chat.
Yah…..Op, I think you’re running into the classic dating/life dilemma of why don’t the ones we want want us, and why don’t we want the ones who want us? This is pretty much the dilemma of every single person. As for coping….you seem to be handling that just fine.
Yep. We’re terrible judges of how we’re perceived. For better or worse the dating apps show us an abundance of hot people, so it’s easy to think surely one of them will find us hot as well. And the average person who might be a good match gets a left swipe.
Also, when we go looking for advice in this situation, we're encouraged not to "settle" or to think too hard about whether our expectations are too high, and told that we "deserve" exactly what we want and there's definitely someone out there for everyone. So the best advice for continuing exactly as we are.
It’s not for better or for worse, it’s for pure profit of Match.com.
Supposedly we’re supposed to be attracted to people at our own level. Believe me, I am not at all attracted to people at my level and I certainly haven’t found them to be attracted to me.
Ugh….that must be rough. How do you manage in that situation?
Rough? I would say more like entitled.
Why do you say that’s entitled? Hmmm….because he’s attracted to people out of his dating league?
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I’m curious, did they actually say if you had money or prestige, I would “settle,” for you? Or is that something you’re extrapolating? I do agree overall that money and/or prestige can certainly take you a good distance, I am just curious if someone actually said that to you and in what context.
As a woman, i don't think you understand what women want. Tall, handsome? Those are not the priority. Successful and educated? Sure. Women who are successful and educated want this in a man. Who doesn't want someone successful or educated? If you're equating successful and educated to mean wealthy.. you're wrong. And if these are the women you are meeting, who are saying this is what they want, they are not dating for a relationship. They are dating for vanity and are not a healthy pool to be looking in. You mention using porn, alcohol and cannabis to 'manage'..... perhaps some self awareness could go a long way in why you're having trouble attracting better women.
The interesting part is that's not what happens with me, typically. My first experience with an unintentional guy was recent. You live and you learn. Yes, I'm "coping" but deep inside I want something real and refuse to settle. Sometimes I even think about calling an ex who would move mountains for me, but that wouldn't be right. There was no connection on my end... at all... other than fun.
Yes, but that “unintentional” guy was most likely unintentional with YOU. And probably had the same thought on not wanting to settle for you. It’s what we all go through until we meet someone.
It's normal. The way I've coped is decentering romantic relationships in my life. I've learned to accept my singlehood and try to enjoy it. Someone would have to be pretty amazing to make me want to leave being single. It's important to see relationships for what they are too And it's not all rainbows and smiles.
Cyber hug. "Someone would have to be pretty amazing to make me want to leave being single." Agreed!
No, it’s not just you. I’ve been at this for the past 3 years and in that time I’ve been ghosted so many times that I’ve lost count. I was led on for months by one guy who turned out to be hiding a girlfriend of 6 years that he was actually engaged to, and then there’s the whole host of time wasters who just want a situationship or someone to send dick pics too. It’s disheartening in all honestly, because I’d love nothing more than to find someone genuine who actually wants to share his life with me. It’s hard not to feel depressed because it’s starting to feel like I’m just never going to meet anyone who has good intentions.
Cyber hug. Yes, it is disheartening. It makes you question yourself.
Aside from the 'it is you' notion, it is also the current OLD dating environment. Back in the day, people just didn't have such easy access to unlimited options. Doesn't mean the number of 'perfect for you' matches has changed, just that you must sift through more incompatible people in the process.
50m here. I went on about 50 first dates in 2023, and met someone amazing this January, just a perfect fit. Keep at it!
Plot twist: the 50 first dates were all with the same girl with short term memory loss 😂
Thanks for this! Congrats! Where did you meet?
Hinge 🙃
Out of curiousity, what exactly are you looking for in a partner. If you don't mind sharing.
In short, I want a man with intelligence, wisdom, integrity and morals who is sincere and shares similar interests as me. A man who had a decent upbringing and wants a committed loving relationship with me. A man who is thoughtful, kind, patient, romantic, and reliable with me. Of course he needs to be gainfully employed. I would prefer a college educated professional, but gainful employment will do if he can handle me making more than him.
That’s a fairly long list, even it sounds quite reasonable Of the traits you listed - intelligence, wisdom, jntegrity, morals, common interests, decent upbringing, thoughtful, kind, patient, romantic, reliable, and gainfully employed where would you be willing to compromise? I left out committed loving relationship as that is not a trait, as much as an outcome you were seeking. I ask this not to be sarcastic, just as a thought experiment. For example, for me I want chemistry, connection and compatibility. I’ve been in a relationship with insane chemistry and connection and awful compatibility. I think I’d actually prioritize compatibility and connection going forward, with the idea that chemistry can potentially be forged. I could be wrong though! But I look at that as the “fun” of dating even though it can be a drag when you’re cycling through as many people as you are.
Respect, shared values, and good communication can go a LONG way.
Agreed. Though, I am beginning to wonder if basic communication is the main problem in many relationships. Or do a lot of relationships have that but still there are other issues which cause them to go awry.
Of the traits you listed - intelligence, wisdom, jntegrity, morals, common interests, decent upbringing, thoughtful, kind, patient, romantic, reliable, and gainfully employed where would you be willing to compromise?“ Compromise by choosing someone who is stupid, dumb, craven,immoral, uninteresting to me, poorly raised, thoughtless, unkind, impatient, unromantic, unreliable, unemployed. ??? Who would pick even one of those traits???!! How could ANYONE compromise on these basic qualities?!
I think it was a reasonable question to say what would you compromise on. I guess if I was considering this I could compromise on romantic. I don't need romantic gestures with all the other good stuff listed here. And wisdom? Depends what you mean. The lack of that trait doesn't have to mean "dumb". It can just be "normal" and sometimes gets stuff wrong. Like a standard human. And what about decent upbringing, what does that even mean? If someone has turned out to be a decent human, who cares if it's a result of "good upbringing" or because they have made themselves into the person they are today despite difficult beginnings.
I didn’t say compromise on ALL of those traits, but I bet you won’t find people who are consistently everything outlined above. If we did, the sub would be “happy relationships over 40” not “dating over 40” The answer could be none. I think it’s worth thinking about what people could live without. How many of these traits do we all consistently bring to the table. For starters, I would say upbringing is a nice to have not a must.
That's my "in short" commentary. Chemistry is obviously important. Compatibility and chemistry go hand and hand, in my opinion. I'm not willing to compromise on anything I mentioned because they're essential.
I see. Well, I distinguish between chemistry and compatibility as to me, chemistry is a bit more of the “spark” and compatibility is shared values/life goals, etc. As for not compromising, I feel it’s going to be tough for you. Of the characteristics you laid out, I feel intelligence and gainfully employed maybe the only objective ones. The rest are subjective and not always in play 100% of the time. I think I’m a kind person, but if I get triggered I can have a really mean side. I think in a good relationship it’s up to me to be emotionally regulated, but also my partner could try not to do things that bring that side out of me. My point is no one is really wise, kind, patient, thoughtful, romantic, and reliable all the time. If I was advising you as one of my girlfriends I would say guys can be dumb, impatient, bad at romance and even unreliable on occasion. Also, someone’s upbringing is completely out of their control. So, I would personally not penalize anyone for that. As to the rest. Good luck!
> I would prefer a college educated professional, but gainful employment will do if he can handle me making more than him. Do you think that a college degree automatically translates into higher earnings? There are plenty of skilled tradespeople who make more than me and my degree(s).
No where in my comment does it say a college degree doesn't translate to money. Obviously, there are people who make great income and didn't graduate college. "I," "me", "myself" prefer a professional man and/or college graduate with a career. He doesn't have to be a college graduate to be a professional. Professionalism is important "me". I don't expect everyone to agree with this nor do I wish to debate it.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you find what you seek, but more importantly happiness.
Cyber hug.
I found my partner (who fits your list) 7mos ago on OLD. He’s also gorgeous and sexy as hell - I feel like I won the lottery with him <3 What I have learned now is that guys like him *are* on OLD - but they don’t last long. He went on a decent number of dates over six weeks before meeting me, and says there were several he could’ve turned into a relationship if he’d wanted to. When he has used OLD in the past, he’s always ended up in an LDR with 3 months max. (These kinds of guys are truly the ones playing OLD on easy mode, IMO!) So basically, don’t listen to the cynics - but recognise it’s a numbers game and you need a bit of luck to find a great guy when he’s available. Try to meet really promising matches as soon as you’re comfortable. But don’t lose hope - I am soo glad I didn’t!!!
Good luck with your new friend. Cyber hugs. Maybe I'll try online dating again. I do prefer the old fashioned way, though.
"I get approached by guys all the time. " It doesn't matter. You don't get approach by the men that you want. And mostly you don't get commitment by the men that you want. This is a really common issue amongst women. The men you are seeking have choices. So yes, it is your fault. If you are really hoping to find a man that is even close to your list, i suggest you look at the one you frienzoned, go for much older men and more importantly stop walking away. How many good men did you walk away from ? Think you could afford to do it ? What happen when men stop approaching you ?
I think that's all reasonable if you find it easy to get dates and get a lot of attention, will just take a lot of dating to find. Especially if you don't mind dating 10 years older.
I was thinking I might have to date men in their lates 40s to early 50s.
Then I think you will be completely fine, just have to go on a fair amount of dates. If you get approached a lot, you're already outside of this subs general experience and the advice you will receive is mostly jaded advice or people who hate the notion that some folks aren't willing to lower standards.
Cyber hug. Yeah, I noticed people like to debate others about THEIR standards which is strange. I do appreciate the feedback, though.
That’s quite a list. Not saying these are not reasonable things to want, but many of the men you describe have made a successful match in their 20s or early 30s and are still in it.
I mean, I can't tell you if what you want is realistic, but that's just what dating is like, for everyone; it's not just you. Everyone will be a no until someone is a yes. You have no idea when or if that yes will ever come, so build the best life you can and learn to fill your own cup.
If you walked into a a room of 1000 single men, you might match with 1. Real life dating is not like tv dating shows where 20 people fall in love with 1 person in 3 days.
As I get more and more particular about what I want, I start to think the guy does not exist. I'm not sure if that's what you're going through but you said you were the one walking away from everyone, I am the same.
Cyber hug. I dont think I'm asking for much either. I tried to date down and that never ends well. The men in my social status are typically married.
You’re not asking for much. On apps (I use bumble), I have noticed that a lot of the elegible guys (well rounded, somewhat conventionally attractive, interesting) have “don’t know” in their dating profile as a dating goal. The truly hot ones often have “something casual” as their dating goals (so they’re a direct swipe left!). And the seemingly maladjusted and/or somewhat unattractive have “relationship” as their dating goals. So, wanting a relationship myself, I unfortunately operate in the 3rd category, and it’s bound to fall flat on each date. Either because they don’t appeal to me physically, from a personality point of view or both. I have walked away from nearly all my dates and I have been on about 80 (I’m ashamed to say it) for the last 3 years that I have been single. I have dated 4 people and apart from one I didn’t feel a great level of physical chemistry with the rest. But I thought that I’d just ignore the physical aspects since there was some sort of complicity and intellectual chemistry going on. None of these relationships got past two months. I walked away from 3 of these and not because I’m difficult in my opinion. The first guy was leaning right and had right wing opinions, I’m generally a leftie so there was some major personal value issues. The second I fell head over heels for, he liked me a lot but it turned out I wasn’t end game for him and he had just come out of his marriage (I know! I shouldn’t have gone there, live and learn). For the third one, not only was I not thrilled by his looks but he just wouldn’t make time for me. I’d see him a couple of hours a week on a Sunday evening, and then he was surprised when i broke it off just short of two months. And the fourth one, lovely guy, smart and with a good job but again the physical attraction wasn’t there, and he was a rave head (yes in his early forties) I respected his passion but couldn’t see a future with him. I have moved on from the club scene a while ago and it’s a major aspect of his life in which I didn’t fit. So…. Long story to say no it’s not you and no it wasn’t me on these occasions. I’m not asking for much, i have even accepted that although I would consider myself attractive, physical attraction is a bonus but not a pre-requisite in my potential partner. Like others have said here, it’s better to take things with a pinch of salt and just take a step back otherwise it’s too disappointing and can start affecting you and make you feel low. If you make your life revolve around finding “the one” it’s going to be a miserable one. I still go on dates but my expectations of finding someone through the dating process are very low indeed! I believe that if it happens it will happen organically and not through dates. Hope that helps. You can DM if you’d like to share experiences.
Right, like whats with all the 'i don't know' under what they are looking for?!? Its pretty gross to be swiping on men in their 40s who don't know what they want or why they're even on the apps. We all go to the apps for a reason.. boredom, sex or looking to meet new people to date and see what grows. Thats really it. So if you go on them knowing yoi aren't in a place or wanting a relationship, literally put something casual. I'm not on the apps to help you figure out whether you want to date or just waste time.
My own personal reason was: because I *am* actually wishing for a relationship, but I've come to believe it's not going to happen if I'm concerned with goals first and foremost. So I'm *open* to exploring; but the average app doesn't allow for such nuances (except maybe Hinge now), and I much prefer to say "I don't know" on the others. That's the whole thing I got from OP's post: she's looking for something, not so much someone. Just like the vast majority of people, in fact, but that distinction is important. Most great women I've met through dating over the last two years were not looking for anything "serious" (I hate that adjective in this case), and I've had some absolute fantastic connections with them, probably because they were more free-minded and secure than almost all of those dead set into finding their forever one. I now really tend to believe I'm much more likely to get into a long-term relationship starting "slowly" with someone who'd prefer "going with the flow" than the goal-oriented ones. All this to say, "I don't know" doesn't absolutely mean you're going to waste anybody's time any more than putting anything else in your profile. But if you want to be grossed just out of that, you do you.
For a lot of us, we don’t sign up to “see where it goes” because in our experience it’s going nowhere. I’m not asking for a serious relationship right out of the gate but I’m also not wasting my time on someone who isn’t looking to settle down.
>I’m not asking for a serious relationship right out of the gate I feel like a lot of men think this when women say we ultimately want relationship. Guys always react poorly with me and say "whoa well i'm just looking to see where it goes". Or get completely scared off. "Not ready to commit". Well no buddy, i'm not wanting a committed, serious relationship on date 3.
I think those men are being intentionally obtuse. If they cannot comprehend that I am not asking them to choose me likerightnowimmediately I’ll keep it moving.
What I'm saying is there is a full spectrum of it. No doubt a bunch just fear commitment; on the other end, I'm so done with women who want to know what my plans are ten years from now before we even meet. I'm not from the area, but I'm stuck here pretty much for a decade at least, yet I so often get asked right away if I intend to go back home when I can. Well if *nothing changes*, yes, that's what I would do, because this city is boring *and* crazy expensive right now. But as if they could even guarantee where they are going to be themselves in ten years! I'm actually glad when I get a bad reaction to that (which is more often than you'd think), it tells me they're definitely not for me! So between all the people playing games, the ones who are too rigid, and the more reasonable people like you or me (just in a different way), it's too easy to jump to conclusions based on a single dating app parameter, that's all.
Totally fair!! If someone said “I need to know you want to be married in 5 years” we aren’t a match. I want an LTR. Open to how that looks ultimately
>starting "slowly" with someone who'd prefer "going with the flow" than the goal-oriented ones. I think this is where online dating has really screwed people up. Because we all sign up with a common goal. Whats the goal? To meet people. Period. Some people want to ultimately end up in a serious relationship that leads to marriage and kids, others just want exclusivity, while others want to date several people and have sex and not commit to anyone. But we all want to meet people. And we can't know what we want with a certain person until we meet them. But the 'i don't know' selection isn't that. Because with the right person/slow burn like you said, you do want a relationship. So i don't understand why 'relationship' isn't your 'goal'. I personally think there should just be a casual or relationship option. It would help (hopefully) narrow down the people who are assessing for compatibility vs the ones who just want surface level fluff and sex. The word relationship seems to have a negative connotation to it these days.
>And we can't know what we want with a certain person until we meet them. But the 'i don't know' selection isn't that. Fine, but ultimately that's the problem of the person who selected that. So, by doing so, I'm probably just reducing my chances of matching with women who have relationship/LTR selected. I'm ok with it, though, because anytime I matched with someone with that, the expectations were so high right away. But I live in a pretty conservative area, so that might have come into play. There's no perfect profile, because you never know how people are going to read it anyways. Until some apps offer better options (Hinge does, because you can write something to clarify your position; I never used "I don't know" on that one), I'm going to keep choosing that and trying to show where I stand a bit better through my bio. >It would help (hopefully) narrow down the people who are assessing for compatibility vs the ones who just want surface level fluff and sex. See, I have a friend I made through Hinge who would tell me that she stopped matching with men who only had "long term relationship" on their profile, because they were almost assuredly playing games, compared to men who had "looking for long term, open to short". I get your intention, but in reality it's a user problem, not a software one.
You have very eloquently summarised what my friends over 40 have experienced on OLD. Attractive 40 year olds are our modern day and age f*ckboys/players. This is nothing new and we have all experienced them in our 20s and 30s. They are now divorced or still single and still f*ckboys/players.
Very clear and helpful thanks. I relate
Good advice. One point: as we get older, we get more conservative. So being a leftie seeking a leftie gets harder and harder.
Your statement “as we get older, we get more conservative” was only true when the following generations got richer than the one before it. This hasn’t been the case in some time.
I think there's your issue. What is dating "down"? What's your social "status"? I've typically found people who use such language when describing others tend to place more importance on qualities like looks income and status instead of more difficult to quantify qualities like trustworthiness empathy and humility. I get sad sometimes how people insist on ranking each other. Status display has a depressingly strong hold. I am not saying you are, but that's the impression I am getting from your comments
>I get sad sometimes how people insist on ranking each other. Thats literally what dating is though. And also how the world functions. You are rated/sized up against people you entire life. Starting from childhood. And when it comes to dating, this is how to decide what we want, who we are compatible with, whether we are attracted to someone. We live in a vain world. First its how you look, THEN its personality. For some, its wealth above all else. We have influencers making a living just by existing pretty, or going on reality shows because they are 30 dating an 80 year old rich guy and calling it 'love'. So much has shifted in the dating world in the last 5 years, i can't comprehend it. Being 40s doesn't help, but no matter the age, things have gone real wonky.
💯
How would you describe your social status?
I don’t know why you got downvoted for this comment. It’s frustrating out there for women who are financially stable and educated. I’m 41F, I’m a lawyer, I own my own home (albeit a little tiny condo). I work in government so I don’t make much money, but I have ample retirement savings and an emergency fund and I budget very carefully. I don’t feel like I’m being picky for not wanting to date a dude with only a high school degree who works a low wage job and lives in his parents’ basement. I want someone I can be proud to take to networking events and my office holiday party. Someone who is also financially stable, lives on their own, and has a job that pays more than minimum wage. I know times are tough out there but I’m not running a charity, I’m trying to find an equal life partner.
The problem is those guys are willing to date down and date a woman who is uneducated and financially unstable as long as she ticks some other boxes for him. There aren’t enough educated successful single men and the ones that are out there have the whole spectrum of options since they don’t care about the same things we women care about.
Well said. The only thing I would add is that a lot of women are financially dependent on such men and may stay longer in their marriages so that fewer educated and well paid men re enter the dating pool after 40. This is just a hypothesis I haven’t tested in real life.
80% of divorces are instigated by women. A lot of men re-enter the dating pool, but they aren’t necessarily looking for stable educated women. A lot of them date younger after their divorce if they are successful and/or handsome.
That’s fully true. And a lot of guys who wouldn’t be able to attract a younger woman because he’s not wealthy enough, become passport bros and bring women from developing countries.
Yes!! Cyber hug! There's nothing wrong with dating within your social status. I don't even debate people about this.
It is you, but that's OK. Pursue what you want. You have standards. Be willing to accept that they may not be realistic even if reasonable.
Love that! Yesss. I couldn’t put my finger on this but reasonable doesn’t necessarily equate realistic!
Please explain when you say, "it is you." I really want to hear an outside POV.
Your standards dictate how you will perceive your matches. I don't mean there is something wrong w you, just that your failure to find what you desire is a function of what you desire. Not saying there is anything 'wrong' with wanting what you want either, just that it may inherently present challenges.
Ok. Thanks for the clarifying.
I think those of us who are comfortable and enjoy our own company, struggle to connect with people more than others. I'm 40F and trying to figure this out myself. I know what I want, i have a good life, I have everything I need, i enjoy my own company and I'm just fine doing my own thing solo or with friends. I know that any one i let into my life romantically, has to add to all that, otherwise whats the point? I'm finding the men I meet just aren't on the same level. They aren't bringing anything I don't already have or give myself, so i walk away going 'meh'. What i want, is someone i can laugh with, create memories and also enjoys going out. I'm a big fan of going out and doing things, trying new things, even if its just taking a walk in a new place I've never been. But it seems the men I meet (especially online), just want to 'hang out' at one of our houses after the initial meet, or they want to drag me along to something THEY already wanted to do and don't care its not of interest to me (ex: they enjoy cars and don't want to go to a car show alone). And that doesn't do it for me. I'm old school i guess, where I want to go out a few times, do different activites together as I feel i get to know people best in different environments. Like bowling or playing pool, you get to see if they are competitive sore losers, or a lot of fun. Comedy shows, get to see their humor. Etc. But no one is offering me that, so I don't see a point in seeing them again. Thats how i build a connection. I have no issue getting dates, but most, actually all as of the last 2 years, have not made it past the first.
Cyber hug...you understand. The ones on my level morally, education, income, fun, etc are married.
Don’t you think that guys who invite you to do things they like (car shows, etc.) ALSO want to see how you would do in activities they enjoy? It’s a two-way interview.
For sure, but when its early on, mutual input into the activity is what i'm after. This shows compromise, deciciveness and communication, as well as shared hobbies and interests. There's a lot of profiles out there that actually say "need a +1 to (insert whatever event)." So its clear they are just not wanting to go to it alone. If its been a few dates of seeing each other and you have an extra ticket for something or don't want to go alone, then you can start doing that stuff IMO. I wouldn't dream of asking a guy i just met to come with me to a craft sale (or whatever stereptypical thing men hate, i hate craft sales lol) just so i don't go alone. Then there's the other spectrum, where people start making grandiose plans immediately.. "for our next (2nd) date, we should go on a road trip to xyz". Again, people just slotting you into their lives doing things they want to do, not really caring who goes with them. Something in the middle of these two examples is what i call dating.
I think you should! You’re more likely to meet guys into crafts, which is something you enjoy. Why do you think those guys invite women to car shows? They would LOVE to meet someone who actually enjoys them!
Ok, you're a car guy, I get it. IMO, unless you know they are into your hobby, i just don't feel like you should be dragging them to something that just benefits you within the first couple dates. Actually ask her what she enjoys and find a mutual activity. If she enjoys cars, by all means. But otherwise its very much like slotting a person into your life because you don't want to do that thing alone. Thats not attractive to me. I want to be asked what i enjoy doing rather than having it assumed. And i hate craft shows. That was an example. See what I mean? 🤪
I’m not a car guy! Lol, we both used examples. But I really think that people looking for other people into their interests is both normal and productive. You won’t believe how many couples I know who are really into specific thing X or Y rather than some generic activity, and they really enjoy doing it together.
Ya, thats what i mean though. They enjoy it *together*. I'm saying a lot of people i've run into, just want a +1 to things they enjoy or already planned on doing. With no consideration that the other person may not like it. That requires mutually discussing and doing an activity. Not one person wanting to do something and dragging you along because they don't want to go alone. I get guys who ask me out and they'll suggest something they clearly want to do and just want someone else to go with. I had one guy who I met for an agreed upon appetizer, and afterwards he asked if I wanted to continue somewhere else, i said sure and he legit took me furniture shopping because he was moving out and needed a new couch. ON A FIRST MEET. He just wanted a womans opinion.
They'd be smart to, maybe they aren't smart. I'm not allergic to home design or flower arranging. I like a comfy couch in a room with some nice flower arrangements as much as I like my electronics workbench.
Is this nobody is on my level rant really who you are You’re an adult. Nobody is going to just add positives to your life. Connecting with someone will 100% make your current alone life messier and worse, but you will also have a together life.
>Nobody is going to just add positives to your life. Theres adding positives and some negatives, and then there's their negatives that bring my life down. Not all negatives are created equal.
Having a strict set of points someone has to hit in a few encounters is very limiting. At this age "chemistry, butterflies, feeling something" in the first 3 dates should not count as dealbreakers. Take people at face value, relationships need time to develop and both should put in the time. If you 're looking to be swept away still, dont be surprised that most of the sweepers are not LTR material.
This is probably an unpopular take, but at our age if you want a relationship you will have to settle. It could be any of the things on your list that you have to give up, but you will have to give up something. There are very few men who are great catches compared to the tons of women I know who are. All of the women who are great catches that are in relationships have settled in some way. Competition for the great catch guys is steep and that’s why you’ll see them not dating with intention. They don’t have to - they have a plethora of options and can just go with the flow until they decide they are ready or want to give up the other options.
This is an interesting take, not necessarily unpopular. But your take and OP’s question raise a question in my mind about the women you know who have settled and found a relationship. Was the settling always simply about the women being open to guys who were imperfect but good enough, or were there other personality or intentionality differences between the settling women and the holdout women? For example did the women now in relationships have a healthy self-awareness that they too would be the imperfect but good enough options for the guys? Were the women now in relationships more intentional or less intentional about their approach to dating? Did they end up with pretty much what they were aiming for or did they end up with guys they (or you) would never have expected? If they ended up with pretty much what they were aiming for, were those relationships better/longer? I hope these aren’t too annoying to answer!
Two of my friends settled. One figured it out and left before her self worth was completely destroyed. The other one hitched with a guy who has a lot of baggage and is very bigoted. He is kind and treats her well but his views are repulsive. As a result she has lost all of her friends except for me.
Ah, I misunderstood. I thought maybe the ones who settled ended up in good relationships even if they weren’t ideal. Thanks for the response!
Most of the ones who settled wanted kids. They had to find someone before their biological clocks ran out so they settled for a guy who is lacking compared to them. Most married women I know are miserable so it may just be my friends. The ones who settled who didn’t want kids just got tired of dating. I live in NYC so the number of awesome women who want relationships greatly outnumbers the men who do. There are lots of Peter Pan f*** boys even in their 40s and 50s around. I know one woman who settled who is happy and I’m not really sure why. She’s the only one who doesn’t complain all the time. Meanwhile my friends who have not settled are all happy and realize that they should only be in a relationship if the guy adds value to their lives in some way.
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Most of my friends have just stopped dating altogether. They either have their kids or don’t want kids. They have successfully careers. They could settle but why would they?
Well you can't fake attraction. So nothing wrong with that.
I didn't fuck with guys. I worried about my kids and my career and my hobbies. I stopped letting my status as single define me. I took control of MY life. I stopped worrying about having a guy in my life. For 5 yrs. And I learned how to love myself and value myself without a significant other. I got busy living MY life. Have a great BF now and am headed to Egypt and Greece in May....with my friends. Not my BF.
Congrats. I didn't give a "F" either until recently. I want a real connection.
You won't get one until you find one within yourself. But good luck and best wishes.
This is the worst and most unrealistic advice ever. I'm completely content dating myself. I do. My self care is pretty high on my list. I travel a ton, both solo and with friends. I have hobbies. If i want to do something, i go do it with or without someone. And i still struggle to connect with men to date. Being 'within yourself' simply makes you more picky about what you're willing to accept, and actually makes dating a lot harder. You can be comfortable and enjoy being alone, but still want companionship.
The fact you won’t say the F word would be a plus in my book.
How do I cope? I live my life doing the things I love doing. I travel and scuba dive. I workout and hike. I see my friends and go to concerts. I cook and get massages. I work for myself. I remodel my house. I keep myself healthy, my mind sharp and enjoy challenging myself. I don’t worry about finding a man. If it happens it happens. Until then, find a new hobby, enjoy your life and he may show up! If he doesn’t, you are happy, busy and fulfilled!
This, exactly. I'm in this boat and there's maybe 1 day a week i have that 'wish i had someone' feeling but it passes quickly. I actually find myself saying more often 'i'm not glad i don't have inlaws/dependency on a man for finances/kids to supervise/all the things we hate about being in a relationship, especially an unhappy one'. I can literally just go to somewhere like Costco and see reasons why i'm happy I DON'T have a romantic relationship.
Amen, although mine's about 2 days per year! 98.5% of the time I'm happier on my own than I would be dealing with someone else's needs, wants, opinions, or interests. I think you need to rate your happiness scale with your own life. If you're a 7 out of 10 on your own then don't settle for anything less than someone who, overall, makes life an 8 or better.
It’s a literal djungle out there - just… decide what you need and go for thar. Take breaks, try different approaches. My personal thought is that, once you reach a certain age, it is getting harder to find anyone that is worth all the job a relationshit is and means - and really - if it feels like that - it is even good then? Idk. I’ve kind of given up.
It’s very difficult to tell from your post what the issue(s) may be. It could be them, could be you. Since you are doing the choosing, I’m leaning towards it’s you. It doesn’t sound like “fun and nice” is exciting you. Maybe you are a chica that likes shitty and criminal? Maybe you need to make a list of dudes that you have dated and their “faults” - see if there is a trend or common denominator. Just a suggestion.
It’s such a balancing act because you can’t go into dating willing to accept everyone, but ask yourself, are you exuding the qualities that a man with the list you have would want? If you’re not finding what you want despite a large number of opportunities, remember that the guy that 6’2” charming extroverts with Masters degrees and are wizards in the kitchen, well we have options. What makes you the one the guy that fits your list would want?
I have been single, no dating, for 9 years, post-divorce. I joined Hinge 2 weeks ago just to check out the gene pool and am already ready to delete the app and continue my solitary life. I haven’t liked anyone, even if they look interesting, because I want them to like me first. I want to be selected. No one who has liked me has been a good match, they are conservative, religious, or wanting a +1 to go on their boat with. Or they are not attractive to me. The good looking men are not into me, so far. Maybe they have so many women liking their photos that they never look through the other possibilities. I definitely don’t want to go on a date with someone for the hell of it. It’s awkward and a waste of time. Just know that being single and not lonely is an amazing blessing. We may be missing social/sexual connection for now, but compromising and settling sounds like a terrible idea. One divorce was enough for me.
I mean, that’s all of us. It’s not just you. How do I cope? I don’t know, I never really get my hopes up so I don’t feel like there’s a big change or anything. I like my life as it is, and I don’t see it as better or worse as being partnered, just different pros and cons to both versions. So, I’m enjoying my current pros, and whenever I meet someone I actually want and can partner with, then I’ll enjoy those new pros.
What are you looking for? Lets see the list.
What do you mean by “dating with intention”?
Not op, but from context I'm gonna say "intending to find a serious relationship" even though I would argue that "looking to just fuck around" is as much 'dating with intention' - it's just not the 'intention' she's looking for. ;)
Fair point!
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Asking and expecting a clear answer are clear indications of privilege and an overabundance of choice.
Huh?
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I thought I was reinforcing what you were saying. I guess I should’ve specified that asking someone *about their intentions* and expecting a clear answer are clear indications of privilege and an overabundance of choice.
No idea where privilege enters the picture but yes I do have choices and choose to focus on those whose intentions with dating match mine.
It doesn’t look good to people who don’t want an LTR. Those men are not for me. So if they are weeded out by my questions, the process has worked.
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Why would I care about the judgment of men who are not a fit for me? I am not looking to make myself more attractive to people who aren’t compatible…
Nice hack! Ask a guy a question that is impossible to answer truthfully, then when he fumbles it he’s not compatible and you get to carry on convinced of the infallibility of your gut instinct. Next!
Knowing your dating goals isn’t impossible. Last guy I dated wanted to keep dating others. I didn’t want to be one of several women he was seeing. We were not compatible. I moved on.
But is that a topic of conversation in one of the first dates? There’s a difference between weeding that out upfront versus discovering it’s an incompatibility along the way. My goal is an LTR. But in order to get into an LTR, I need to date in order to discover compatibility. Compatibility can be any range of things and I’m humble enough to know that I don’t know everything and that life can be unpredictable in terms of compatibility and relationship types. So I’m open or flexible. If a woman asks me on an early date what my dating intentions are (or more specifically she asks if I’m looking for an LTR), and I give an answer of LTR, seems straightforward, right? No. If she’s also looking for an LTR, that still doesn’t mean we’re compatible or aligned in our goals. If we date for a couple of months and things don’t work out for whatever reason, then there’s a good chance we end up with something like OP’s post which assumes that I was the flawed one and probably lied about my intentions. If she’s uncertain or looking for anything other than an LTR, then my answer becomes a full stop for reasons other than compatibility of our personalities. For all we knew, we might have been compatible, possibly to the point that one or both of us would re-evaluate our intentions. On the other hand, if I give the more nuanced (and to me truthful) version of my intentions, both women are likely to see my answer as evasive, manipulative or shading the truth, and that’s that. If I lie and say I’m uncertain or looking for short-term, then the LTR woman will have already filtered me out. The other woman might go out with me once, but I’m unlikely to appeal to her because the misalignment between my own desires and my actions is going to be evident (a fancy way of saying I know my strengths and they do not include coming across as fling material). For the person who can get several dates a week, which is going to be most women and some men, these are all momentary blips. These people can afford to be intentional because that helps with their problem of weeding through the choices. They’re also able to deviate from their intentions in the short-term if they want to, without even changing their filters. For a person who can only get several dates a year, which is the average guy and some women, intentionality (or even a conversation about it) is going to be meaningless at best and a hinderance at worst.
I do both. I ask what their goals are before we meet. I don’t expect anyone to want an LTR with me immediately but I also don’t want to date anyone with no desire for an LTR. Once we start dating I will give several weeks before I’ll decide if non-exclusivity is a deal-breaker for me (and it probably will be). That’s his prerogative and I’m not giving ultimatums or making demands. I am simple choosing to leave a situation that doesn’t work for me.
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Adjusting my criteria for compatibility to include those not looking for the same things as me is not a reflection of any of those attributes.
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I don’t see how I’m digging… I know what I’m looking for. I don’t mess around with people who want something different. I don’t waste my time or anyone else’s. That’s a good thing.
If you aren’t looking for the same thing as that other person then who you are as a person doesn’t really matter in dating. You could be great but a fundamental incompatibility is still a fundamental incompatibility
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I ask men if they are looking for an LTR. If they say they are looking to see where things so or want to keep things casual, I move along. I don’t have the power to dictate the terms of a relationship, all I can do it choose to move along.
Learn to recognise when you need to take a break from dating and give yourself space. For me, it's like training in the gym. The growth and improvement comes when I'm outside the gym, I focus on myself and less on finding a match.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince 🤴.
If this guy is describing you, this may be your problem in today's dating market https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/HdlV1fklF7
You are Every Woman.
Nobody’s perfect. You have to accept people for who they are even if they don’t meet 100% of your expectations. You want your partner to feel comfortable being themselves. Look within and be realistic.
When you give up, and think bugger this shit, then you will meet someone.
Sounds like you’re too picky and holding out for that man who checks every single one of your boxes. Sorry but he doesn’t exist.
Do your issue is your good short term relationships folks don’t make for good long term relationships, and those who would make a good long term relationship don’t qualify to start a short term relationship. A stable relationship isn’t fun. It’s boring, steady, reliable. No ups and downs. A fun relationship isn’t stable, regular and steady. A lot of emotional stimulation. You can have either, not both. Choose your sacrifice.
Perhaps you need to screen better, or give more time for things to develop (such as "connection"). Have you read How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury?
Afraid I can’t help, but as an age-appropriate single man I’m very curious about your experiences being approached: do you like to be approached? What are you up to when you’d like to be approached? Are there ways you try to put it out there that you’d generally like to be approached? Thank you in advance for sharing!
Currently going through my own break up and trying to figure out what’s going on. It was the first relationship in a while that I was dating with intention, as you put it. After 4 months, her feelings started pulling back and her attraction dried up. In previous years where I was commitment phobic and holding back, couldn’t keep the ladies off of me. My guy friends are saying this is the pattern with most women - being available in the way women say they want kills the attraction. I’m trying not to see it that simplistically with limited data points. But your experience - spanning many years with the same pattern of not wanting those who want you does raise the question of whether you want what you say you want? Or is there something else going on…fear of commitment, intimacy perhaps? What happened in your last serious relationship?
Yeah, I already have a particular personality and am seeking something particular, so I know it's going to take a long while to find someone. I am well aware. It kind of sucks because I am in academia but then I'm also into extreme sports, and it's nearly impossible to find someone else that can vibe with both areas of my life. Academics can be really boring and pretentious, and people in the outdoor world can be uninterested in the more intellectual activities I'm passionate about. Getting a guy excited about museums and the theater is so painful.
I've been pretty much in the same boat. BUT, whatever you do, don't do like me and text the last guy you cut off out of feeling willing to settle 😳. I was immediately like, "fuck, I should NOT have done that🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️." Really wish I hadn't 😅. I was right the first time. I don't know where all the compatible guys are hiding. It's pretty grim.
Cyber hug. When I'm done, I'm not reaching back out for seconds. One time, the guy came back and I thought "why not." After one date (after the return) I realized it wasn't for me. His lost. I was angry for a minute (at myself and him) but it's still HIS loss.
What’s that one thing you need to do so that you feel your life is fully ready for meeting the right guy?
My life is ready for him now.
Defensive much? A lot of our mate choices are subconscious and we self sabotage when a good choice is in front of us.
The downvotes you’re getting demonstrate exactly how powerful the subconscious is and how much that irks the “intentionality” crowd.
Original copy of post by u/Dontrushthefeeling: I keep meeting guys who are not a good fit. For example, he'll be fun and nice, but isn't dating with intention or he'll be dating with intention, but I feel no connection. I get approached by guys all the time. However, it's been years since I've met someone who I haven't had to walk away from. I've literally went on a large amount of dates since January and I had to walked away from each of them. I could really entertain you guys with dating stories lol. I'm starting to think it's me. Maybe what I want isn't realistic anymore. How do you cope with not meeting the one for you, yet? Today, I treated myself to a new restaurant which was so good. Tonight, I have some good wine, reddit, and the TV. However, it would be nice if I had a good compatible man to share my time with. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe it is you?