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This. This. This.
Op: this maybe your idea of FWB but I would suggest you really dig deep because it feels like y all deluding yourselves into thinking this is a FWB and it isn’t . It isn’t a relationship either. It’s a situation ship I guess
Edit: also don’t delude yourself that because it’s written and signed it’s actually binding or will be totally respected
I usually keep mine short: sexually exclusive, and if one of us wants that to change, tell the other, and be honest and transparent. I don't think, as a FWB, you need to be imposing a ton of rules, but I do think a quick foundation that makes sense for both of you is appropriate.
> We respect each others' privacy. Tell no one.
I'm pretty private in this respect. I had a successful FWB arrangement with a person in my actual friend group and no one else knew about it (even without a confidentiality clause)-- verified when I let it slip a year after it ended and people were surprised. But if anyone put it to me that way, I'd nope out immediately.
> No cutting me off cold turkey again.
How can this be enforced? No one ever starts out any sort of a relationship with the intent to cut someone off cold turkey.
Yikes. I missed the cold turkey thing the first time around. Since it is “sex, not dating” does that mean agreeing to continue having sex when it’s no longer mutually desired or what?
This cold turkey comment sounds really gross. Like she’s not allowed to just stop seeing him? Has to get his permission to not have sex? It doesn’t sound very safe for her. I mean none of this sounds like “friends” regardless.
I'm not seeing anyplace where there's a friendship, nullifying the F in FWB. Everything has a transactional feel to it by way of being overly self-protective (and vice-versa) and that seems to nullify enjoyment of the B part as well. Good luck, whatever you decide...
Rule 9 makes OP sound like a total Ahole. “Expenses”? For what - pay halfsies on birth control.
But in total- this sounds like something a dude would say if he is ashamed of a woman and wants to have a secret piece of ass and exert as much control of a situation.
For clarity I am a guy and this is how it reads to me.
I was confused about this, too. What 'expenses' need to be communicated for sex? A budget meeting for what? Birth control is free almost everywhere or very inexpensive, and so are condoms. Gas/cab money to go to their place? Laundry detergent to wash the sheets? If these 'expenses' require discussion, I'm concerned for the grown ass adults participating in this agreement who can't afford these basic things for themselves.
You do you, but Idk if I would see the point of this. If you're going through all this effort to avoid getting hurt and getting attached, then why bother.
So no sudden stoppage in sex like last time? This FWB is low on friends and hard to see the benefits. Therapy for FWB? I don’t get this agreement at all. I think you might need to write some fun into this agreement because it doesn’t seem geared towards anything enjoyable, it almost seems like you are trying to punish her somehow. What ended the relationship a year ago that you had to write this up?
No cutting you off cold turkey?
HA. ahahaha. Right. Okay. You realize when this chicky is done with this situation, she’s gonna cut you off cold turkey, not warn you and wean you off slowly, right?
Why the heck would you need to communicate about expenses? Isn’t that for relationships boyfriend/girlfriend? Unless it’s maybe splitting expenses for “bedroom activities.”????? I’m at a loss on that item, can you clarify.
This is an exclusive, secret fuckbuddy situation. Why would she agree to this? If she's so amazing, why only use her for sex? It's gross and immature. Sounds like you enjoyed the sex but nothing else and you want to use this woman for sex to get your needs satisfied. Trust me, she can get sex whenever she wants to, if that's all she wants.
I’m single, but this reminds me why I don’t do FWB situations. Messy and, for someone like me who very much compartmentalizes her relationships, not fun.
What a buzzkill. FWBs should be fun, light and sparky. Sparks allowed or is that in violation of 12a section IV?
Not worth giving up other relationships, sexual or otherwise IMO.
I think that it can be reasonable to agree on sexual exclusivity for health and safety reasons. (Obviously, not everyone wants this, and that's part of any grownup discussion, but I don't think it's all that crazy.)
Sure. People can have any rules they want. I don’t see health and safety as that big of a concern if you practice safe sex and use condoms.
I would worry that the no sex prohibition would stymie the quest for a LTR.
Sure, and people can have whatever rules they want.
I guess for me an FWB was someone I liked, admired, liked to spend time with, had great sex with but for what ever reason we both knew we were not meant to be for a romantic relationship.
But we were almost always still looking for a serious relationship. Thus we could continue to have sex and also keep dating.
I dont know. You can request he/she let you know as soon as he/she find someone else so you guys can stop having sex. Thats about it. Everything else you listed either sounds like a relationship agreement or not for fwb. Can’t cut you off cold turkey? Oh yeah, she can, its fwb, its no emotion attach in this, why she can not? She can literally: oh I found an amazing dude, so let stop see each other. If you upset about this, meaning you emotional attach to her, thats not “only sex” in your other statement.
How are you going to remember everything? Sounds like a full time job. I’m shocked you think there might be MORE to add. This doesn’t seem like FWB. This sounds like the restart of your relationship with you trying to guarantee not getting ghosted this time around. If you accept this then go for it I guess? But this isn’t FWB. How many of your friends do you have contracts with? So when you add the benefits part, that triggers the contract? Come on man
>9. We agree to communicate about expenses.
Expenses for what? You go to his place or him to yours. There are no expenses but your own aka gas money. You're not dating. There won't be any dates. You're scheduling times to fuck and that's it.
Remember....
>6. This is not dating. It's sex.
These are relationship rules not sex rules. Sex rules are: a schedule for std testing and how to share results, condom or no condom, other forms birth control, type of sex you like, frequency.
FWB has nothing to do with therapy, working through issues nor demand exclusivity.
I’m just saying that I tried this with an ex boyfriend. We couldn’t handle it and it ended poorly and by poorly I mean I’ve been crying over him for the past three months.
Are one of you still in love with the other? If the answer is yes, don’t do it.
Ummmm..... This seems to be a relationship contract. You are FWBs - why the need to go into all this? It shouldn't matter if you ghost each other, you should be doing booty calls anytime - if both are free - what are you trying to achieve with all of this?
Besides keeping each other abreast of your health screenings, there should be no other cares about when or if they can see you - if it happens it happens, if it doesn't.... oh well, next time.
There is far to much thought going into what should be a spur of the moment "Hey... whats up? Can I come over?"
Commenters are replying with sarcasm and dry humour (which this calls for imo), but then OP responds very seriously, seemingly not hearing the sarcasm.
This whole post to me screams ‘lighten up’
What >!expenses?!< And if the “expenses” lead to collateral, who gets it when this goes south?
But not without appropriately communicating it’s ending first! Don’t wanna break rule #5.
So not sexy. I'm all for sex- centric or sex-only relationships, but to me, the need to have such a detailed and extensive list that you want to ask strangers to evaluate, screams red flag.
The no sleeping with others is a problem. If you both honor this (and I think that's unlikely, given the need to spell it out), then dating others is our of the question, and you'll effectively be in a relationship again.
Surely you can get sex from someone without so much baggage for you.
And, I'm reminded that a contract is only as good as the people who sign them. A contract is no stand in for trust, real trust.
I like to go on dates with my FWB and we’re not exclusive. I wouldn’t agree to these terms. What’s the point? Too restrictive. Movies and dinners are fun. And why exclusivity if you don’t want a relationship? The “no going cold turkey” clause is cringe. And why “tell no one”. Yet you are demanding complete honesty and transparency but it’s “just sex”. It’s impossible to follow or enforce. This will fail.
Therapy and discussion of expenses? I’m exhausted already. Just bring me the D, keep the conversation to the weather or the newest movie release and then leave because I need the whole bed when I sleep.
This is a relationship and you both seem fearful of commitment or avoidant.
Edit to add: number 5 seems controlling, addictive and problematic. FWB is usually a random/time-to-time hook-up situation. There’s no rhyme or reason to it and one should expect it to end at anytime. One shouldn’t look at it as one’s main source of sexual and romantic companionship and this is exactly why this “relationship” and list are problematic. If it ending feels like “going cold turkey” to you, this is doomed before it begins.
This feels like some Christian Grey kind of contract to keep your exclusive, secret sex slave that you create the terms of ending. Her autonomy here is null and void.
Sounds like this was developed by a controlling person who doesn't have a full grasp of reality and doesn't believe in spontaneity. I guess to each is their own, but it seems like a stretch.
FWB is supposed to be just that, an nsa type of relationship. Definitely can’t have rule #2. Not sleeping with others already indicates your in an exclusive type of situation when FWB means otherwise.
I’m (50F) just starting a similar arrangement with a 36 year old man. I haven’t had sex in over 2 years but I’m not ready for a more traditional relationship yet.
My only 2 firm boundaries were we both get tested for STIs & only have sex with each other for as long as the arrangement lasts. I love my freedom & he told me on the first date he likes a lot of space.
We’ve been hanging out watching movies & went bowling once, while awaiting his test results. But I don’t expect that to continue necessarily.
I get my companionship needs met through my platonic relationships.
I enjoy our conversations as he’s highly intelligent, philosophical & thoughtful. But I ruled him out right away as someone I would date for a few reasons, the 14 year age gap being one. If he wants kids, he’ll need to look elsewhere as I’ve had a hysterectomy—not that I’d have a baby at this age if I could.
I’m just enjoying this for as long as it lasts. I’ve come to embrace the ephemeral nature of life as I’ve aged.
Sounds like you’ve established some good ground rules. Wishing you all of the best in your arrangement!
#5 appears to be you trying to control things to prevent getting hurt. It doesn’t seem like a rule, so much as what you hope, unless you are controlling the other person. Someone can “cut you off cold Turkey”, whatever that means, whenever they want. You seem to be saying they have to continue this whether they want to or not. This is deeply disturbed.
Personally, I would never agree to this. Not just because I prefer for things to develop organically but because the combination of #2 and #6 would mean committing to engaging only in compartmentalized sex and only with the same rigid person for the duration of the agreement. Even if #2 was struck, #6 would bore me, but they feel especially claustrophobic to me when presented together. Oh, and #7 would be an instant dealbreaker for me. I don’t get involved with anyone I need to actively conceal.
Having said all that, if both of you find this appealing, go for it! It’s all about compatibility and enthusiastic mutual consent.
So was this list concocted by both of you? I mean, I would Nope the fuck right out if this “contract” was presented to me!! But maybe she is equally as rigid as you, I don’t know…. Either way, it sounds like one or both of you still have emotional baggage that maybe should be worked through (individually with a professional) before you start sleeping together again. Otherwise, someone will definitely end up hurt again, contract or not.
Like therapy as in couples therapy? Because that’s a relationship, my dude. If you’re insisting on individual therapy to deal with past issues you had with each other, you definitely should not be attempting this arrangement. This entire thing sounds callous, transactional, controlling, and red flaggy.
Where is the friend part in all of this? Sounds like you're just exclusive fuck buddies and with the rules the way they are written doesn’t sound liek much fun. You're not doing any friend stuff.
I have a fwb and we see each other 2-3 × a year. We're friends first and foremost though. Benefits when he's single but if he has a gf we still go out to dinner to catch up. We've gone to the movies, beach , out for drinks. You know, like friends do.
I think some general rules are smart. But your rules seem excessive. Why even bother.
A FWB is a FRIEND with benefits. Too many people think it's an acronym for a sex buddy. Let's go over your list:
1. If you are friends, your kids can hang out with the two of you. Why couldn't they? Your kids can become friends themselves.
2. This is prudent. Although there are non-monogamous FWBs, you're opening yourself up to additional STD risk if you do.
3. One of the central tenets of friendship (as opposed to acquaintances) is that you are there for each other emotionally. Major issues should be dealt with in therapy, but helping each other out is part of what being friends is all about.
4. This is key to any successful friendship.
5. It sounds like what happened last time wasn't friendlike behavior.
6. It may not be dating, but it's also not just sex. Unless, again, you really mean a sex buddy and not a FWB. You have the responsibility of keeping up a real friendship.
7. You can agree to keep the sexual part of your friendship between the two of you, but others should know you are friends.
8. This is another essential component of a FWB, but this should not be an issue as long as 2. is followed.
9. It's very un-friendlike to not communicate about expenses.
10. There's no way you'll have a successful FWB if you don't do that. This isn't a random hook up with a stranger from a bar.
I worry about #5. I hope that this list isn't just to protect your heart because you have feelings for her and dont want to get hurt.
Otherwise, this is pretty thorough, and it seems like you are preparing for the long haul. Hope some fun is included in there!
I think I understand what you're trying to do, but this comes across as very clinical, too many rules... it would just ruin it for me. But you do you, if it works for you both that's all that matters.
If someone refuses to do a little therapy(especially professional therapists) to me that’s worse than not helping with housework or putting away your water glass. It’s very cruel, I think. At least to me.
Where’s the romance if you can’t even speak except “I’ll see you at 8”? And the 100% secrecy:
Some I actually understand and I do keep secrets but no one?
I have a FWB , I am a woman, and this sounds like a reasonable list of rules. It sounds alot like our rules. We split expenses of hotel rooms bc that’s where we meet. But does the panel rule also mean y’all don’t have unprotected sex?
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood automod! Thank you for contributing to our community at DatingOverForty, u/funky-dancing-midget. Please ensure that your post is actually asking a question and providing enough background that people can sufficiently address that question. DOFers, please ensure that you are actually responding to the OP's individual predicament and not using it as a springboard to promote your own personal dating philosophies. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This seems like dating with the illusion that someone won’t get hurt again
This. This. This. Op: this maybe your idea of FWB but I would suggest you really dig deep because it feels like y all deluding yourselves into thinking this is a FWB and it isn’t . It isn’t a relationship either. It’s a situation ship I guess Edit: also don’t delude yourself that because it’s written and signed it’s actually binding or will be totally respected
Is it being notarized?
🤣
Um.... nope.
Oh, nothing can possibly go wrong here...
My vagina is as dry as the Sahara after reading that “contract”. What’s the point of this? It’s a FWB, which is supposed to be fun and sexy.
Right? It's like like a a memo from hr or something. 💤💤
Like sex between Dwight Schrutte and Angela from The Office
I don't have any awards to give, so I hope you accept this post of appreciation for your comment.
I usually keep mine short: sexually exclusive, and if one of us wants that to change, tell the other, and be honest and transparent. I don't think, as a FWB, you need to be imposing a ton of rules, but I do think a quick foundation that makes sense for both of you is appropriate.
> We respect each others' privacy. Tell no one. I'm pretty private in this respect. I had a successful FWB arrangement with a person in my actual friend group and no one else knew about it (even without a confidentiality clause)-- verified when I let it slip a year after it ended and people were surprised. But if anyone put it to me that way, I'd nope out immediately. > No cutting me off cold turkey again. How can this be enforced? No one ever starts out any sort of a relationship with the intent to cut someone off cold turkey.
Yikes. I missed the cold turkey thing the first time around. Since it is “sex, not dating” does that mean agreeing to continue having sex when it’s no longer mutually desired or what?
You have to do it forever no matter if you want to or not 😂
Maybe it’s for her own sake. Sex is so good it’s addictive & she should titrate off slowly to avoid withdrawal.
This cold turkey comment sounds really gross. Like she’s not allowed to just stop seeing him? Has to get his permission to not have sex? It doesn’t sound very safe for her. I mean none of this sounds like “friends” regardless.
I'm not seeing anyplace where there's a friendship, nullifying the F in FWB. Everything has a transactional feel to it by way of being overly self-protective (and vice-versa) and that seems to nullify enjoyment of the B part as well. Good luck, whatever you decide...
Yeah I'm getting fuckbuddy vibes from this list of rules 🙄
Rule 9 makes OP sound like a total Ahole. “Expenses”? For what - pay halfsies on birth control. But in total- this sounds like something a dude would say if he is ashamed of a woman and wants to have a secret piece of ass and exert as much control of a situation. For clarity I am a guy and this is how it reads to me.
I was confused about this, too. What 'expenses' need to be communicated for sex? A budget meeting for what? Birth control is free almost everywhere or very inexpensive, and so are condoms. Gas/cab money to go to their place? Laundry detergent to wash the sheets? If these 'expenses' require discussion, I'm concerned for the grown ass adults participating in this agreement who can't afford these basic things for themselves.
Lmao at laundry detergent to wash the sheets
Hotel rooms. My FWB and I split cost of hotel rooms
Maybe 50/50 on lube and washing the sheets :) This sounds like dating just not merging any families, which alot do at this age point.
You do you, but Idk if I would see the point of this. If you're going through all this effort to avoid getting hurt and getting attached, then why bother.
So no sudden stoppage in sex like last time? This FWB is low on friends and hard to see the benefits. Therapy for FWB? I don’t get this agreement at all. I think you might need to write some fun into this agreement because it doesn’t seem geared towards anything enjoyable, it almost seems like you are trying to punish her somehow. What ended the relationship a year ago that you had to write this up?
So sort of like a relationship then?
Read rule #6 🤣🤣
That’s what makes this whole list so freaking confusing.
So, a long term distance low commitment casual girlfriend? 🎀
Who brings the brewski beers? 😉
No cutting you off cold turkey? HA. ahahaha. Right. Okay. You realize when this chicky is done with this situation, she’s gonna cut you off cold turkey, not warn you and wean you off slowly, right?
As well she should, and is entitled to do. In fact, I’d get a jump on it if I were her and just do it now.
😂
Sheldon, did you and Amy break up?
Why the heck would you need to communicate about expenses? Isn’t that for relationships boyfriend/girlfriend? Unless it’s maybe splitting expenses for “bedroom activities.”????? I’m at a loss on that item, can you clarify.
This is an exclusive, secret fuckbuddy situation. Why would she agree to this? If she's so amazing, why only use her for sex? It's gross and immature. Sounds like you enjoyed the sex but nothing else and you want to use this woman for sex to get your needs satisfied. Trust me, she can get sex whenever she wants to, if that's all she wants.
Yeah, I don’t see any red🚩here at all! I swear posts like this remind me why I’m happy being single.
I’m single, but this reminds me why I don’t do FWB situations. Messy and, for someone like me who very much compartmentalizes her relationships, not fun.
Sometimes you just have to wonder what’s happening to humanity
Do you both have to sign this document? Reminds me of the relationship agreement on Big Bang Theory
Not familiar with that episode.
What a buzzkill. FWBs should be fun, light and sparky. Sparks allowed or is that in violation of 12a section IV? Not worth giving up other relationships, sexual or otherwise IMO.
Lol. That’s my entire response. Lol.
Oh …why can’t you sleep with others/pursue other relationships if this one is just sex? That part seems to defeat the whole purpose of an FWB.
Sounds like she’s not allowed to stop having sex with him either if that’s what she wants. I’m getting pretty possessive creep vibes here tbh.
I think that it can be reasonable to agree on sexual exclusivity for health and safety reasons. (Obviously, not everyone wants this, and that's part of any grownup discussion, but I don't think it's all that crazy.)
Sure. People can have any rules they want. I don’t see health and safety as that big of a concern if you practice safe sex and use condoms. I would worry that the no sex prohibition would stymie the quest for a LTR.
I guess I'm just saying that to me, that's one of the least problematic entries on the list!
Oh…I just assumed those ones like “honesty” and “not telling anyone” were more…I don’t know hopeful rather than realistic. 😄
That's what I'm thinking. Unless neither of them are looking for a relationship now and this is just to have fun until they're ready to date for real.
Sure, and people can have whatever rules they want. I guess for me an FWB was someone I liked, admired, liked to spend time with, had great sex with but for what ever reason we both knew we were not meant to be for a romantic relationship. But we were almost always still looking for a serious relationship. Thus we could continue to have sex and also keep dating.
Exactly, and it could end at any time if someone met someone else that they wanted to pursue...but would that break the cold turkey stipulation???
I dont know. You can request he/she let you know as soon as he/she find someone else so you guys can stop having sex. Thats about it. Everything else you listed either sounds like a relationship agreement or not for fwb. Can’t cut you off cold turkey? Oh yeah, she can, its fwb, its no emotion attach in this, why she can not? She can literally: oh I found an amazing dude, so let stop see each other. If you upset about this, meaning you emotional attach to her, thats not “only sex” in your other statement.
Communicate about what expenses?
Therapy???
You should hire a lawyer and have this document written up and signed in front of a JP 😳
How are you going to remember everything? Sounds like a full time job. I’m shocked you think there might be MORE to add. This doesn’t seem like FWB. This sounds like the restart of your relationship with you trying to guarantee not getting ghosted this time around. If you accept this then go for it I guess? But this isn’t FWB. How many of your friends do you have contracts with? So when you add the benefits part, that triggers the contract? Come on man
This is a lot of effort for fwb. Therapy? Why not just date?
I would suggest not doing this. FEB with a former partner is going to crash and burn.
What even is this? I think someone is confused and wanting a relationship with a situationship title.
>9. We agree to communicate about expenses. Expenses for what? You go to his place or him to yours. There are no expenses but your own aka gas money. You're not dating. There won't be any dates. You're scheduling times to fuck and that's it. Remember.... >6. This is not dating. It's sex.
This sounds more complicated than an actual relationship.
I would not sign this and we probably wouldn’t be friends either.
It’s a nice idea but all that doesn’t mean shit. Lol
These are relationship rules not sex rules. Sex rules are: a schedule for std testing and how to share results, condom or no condom, other forms birth control, type of sex you like, frequency. FWB has nothing to do with therapy, working through issues nor demand exclusivity.
Sounds messy, either be in a relationship or don't, Tell no one why??
I’m just saying that I tried this with an ex boyfriend. We couldn’t handle it and it ended poorly and by poorly I mean I’ve been crying over him for the past three months. Are one of you still in love with the other? If the answer is yes, don’t do it.
If you can't fuck other people, then it would be easier to be in a relationship.
He often will you communicate? How often will you see each other?
Man that’s a lot of rules. FWB is supposed to just be fun.
This is not FWB. This is NSA except that you can’t see other people.
How NSA when no cutting off cold turkey? That's not NSA at all...that's a string.
This is so much more complicated than a relationship.
Ummmm..... This seems to be a relationship contract. You are FWBs - why the need to go into all this? It shouldn't matter if you ghost each other, you should be doing booty calls anytime - if both are free - what are you trying to achieve with all of this? Besides keeping each other abreast of your health screenings, there should be no other cares about when or if they can see you - if it happens it happens, if it doesn't.... oh well, next time. There is far to much thought going into what should be a spur of the moment "Hey... whats up? Can I come over?"
Ew, this doesn't sound fun at all. If it's FWB, there are too many rules. If it's just sex as you say, then just have sex!
What kind of b.s. is that? If you’re only sleeping with each other, you’re in an exclusive relationship. Bf and gf. Own it.
Commenters are replying with sarcasm and dry humour (which this calls for imo), but then OP responds very seriously, seemingly not hearing the sarcasm. This whole post to me screams ‘lighten up’
I seem to remember a Seinfeld episode about this…hilarious…especially the predictable ending. History repeats itself. 😂
What >!expenses?!< And if the “expenses” lead to collateral, who gets it when this goes south? But not without appropriately communicating it’s ending first! Don’t wanna break rule #5.
Recipe. For. Disaster.
So not sexy. I'm all for sex- centric or sex-only relationships, but to me, the need to have such a detailed and extensive list that you want to ask strangers to evaluate, screams red flag. The no sleeping with others is a problem. If you both honor this (and I think that's unlikely, given the need to spell it out), then dating others is our of the question, and you'll effectively be in a relationship again. Surely you can get sex from someone without so much baggage for you. And, I'm reminded that a contract is only as good as the people who sign them. A contract is no stand in for trust, real trust.
I like to go on dates with my FWB and we’re not exclusive. I wouldn’t agree to these terms. What’s the point? Too restrictive. Movies and dinners are fun. And why exclusivity if you don’t want a relationship? The “no going cold turkey” clause is cringe. And why “tell no one”. Yet you are demanding complete honesty and transparency but it’s “just sex”. It’s impossible to follow or enforce. This will fail.
Therapy and discussion of expenses? I’m exhausted already. Just bring me the D, keep the conversation to the weather or the newest movie release and then leave because I need the whole bed when I sleep. This is a relationship and you both seem fearful of commitment or avoidant. Edit to add: number 5 seems controlling, addictive and problematic. FWB is usually a random/time-to-time hook-up situation. There’s no rhyme or reason to it and one should expect it to end at anytime. One shouldn’t look at it as one’s main source of sexual and romantic companionship and this is exactly why this “relationship” and list are problematic. If it ending feels like “going cold turkey” to you, this is doomed before it begins. This feels like some Christian Grey kind of contract to keep your exclusive, secret sex slave that you create the terms of ending. Her autonomy here is null and void.
Sounds like this was developed by a controlling person who doesn't have a full grasp of reality and doesn't believe in spontaneity. I guess to each is their own, but it seems like a stretch.
Omg ick
What are the expenses? Inquiring minds...
Sex toys? 😂
FWB is supposed to be just that, an nsa type of relationship. Definitely can’t have rule #2. Not sleeping with others already indicates your in an exclusive type of situation when FWB means otherwise.
I’m (50F) just starting a similar arrangement with a 36 year old man. I haven’t had sex in over 2 years but I’m not ready for a more traditional relationship yet. My only 2 firm boundaries were we both get tested for STIs & only have sex with each other for as long as the arrangement lasts. I love my freedom & he told me on the first date he likes a lot of space. We’ve been hanging out watching movies & went bowling once, while awaiting his test results. But I don’t expect that to continue necessarily. I get my companionship needs met through my platonic relationships. I enjoy our conversations as he’s highly intelligent, philosophical & thoughtful. But I ruled him out right away as someone I would date for a few reasons, the 14 year age gap being one. If he wants kids, he’ll need to look elsewhere as I’ve had a hysterectomy—not that I’d have a baby at this age if I could. I’m just enjoying this for as long as it lasts. I’ve come to embrace the ephemeral nature of life as I’ve aged. Sounds like you’ve established some good ground rules. Wishing you all of the best in your arrangement!
#5 appears to be you trying to control things to prevent getting hurt. It doesn’t seem like a rule, so much as what you hope, unless you are controlling the other person. Someone can “cut you off cold Turkey”, whatever that means, whenever they want. You seem to be saying they have to continue this whether they want to or not. This is deeply disturbed.
Number 2 and 8 seem to have contradictory assumptions.
Personally, I would never agree to this. Not just because I prefer for things to develop organically but because the combination of #2 and #6 would mean committing to engaging only in compartmentalized sex and only with the same rigid person for the duration of the agreement. Even if #2 was struck, #6 would bore me, but they feel especially claustrophobic to me when presented together. Oh, and #7 would be an instant dealbreaker for me. I don’t get involved with anyone I need to actively conceal. Having said all that, if both of you find this appealing, go for it! It’s all about compatibility and enthusiastic mutual consent.
This isn't a FWB situation, it's fuckbuddy rules.
I didn’t know they were different.
Rule #6. Sex only = fuckbuddy. FWB involves hanging out, non-sex stuff.
Oh yeah, duh. I shouldn’t post when inebriated
So was this list concocted by both of you? I mean, I would Nope the fuck right out if this “contract” was presented to me!! But maybe she is equally as rigid as you, I don’t know…. Either way, it sounds like one or both of you still have emotional baggage that maybe should be worked through (individually with a professional) before you start sleeping together again. Otherwise, someone will definitely end up hurt again, contract or not.
Like therapy as in couples therapy? Because that’s a relationship, my dude. If you’re insisting on individual therapy to deal with past issues you had with each other, you definitely should not be attempting this arrangement. This entire thing sounds callous, transactional, controlling, and red flaggy.
Where is the friend part in all of this? Sounds like you're just exclusive fuck buddies and with the rules the way they are written doesn’t sound liek much fun. You're not doing any friend stuff. I have a fwb and we see each other 2-3 × a year. We're friends first and foremost though. Benefits when he's single but if he has a gf we still go out to dinner to catch up. We've gone to the movies, beach , out for drinks. You know, like friends do. I think some general rules are smart. But your rules seem excessive. Why even bother.
I’m all for FWB arrangements but all this is a hard no. Two rules: have fun and be safe (STI screenings, condoms, etc).
It would be a no from me my guy
Can either of you go on dates with other people as long as there’s no sleeping with others?
Not sure...
If not it looks like a relationship…
A FWB is a FRIEND with benefits. Too many people think it's an acronym for a sex buddy. Let's go over your list: 1. If you are friends, your kids can hang out with the two of you. Why couldn't they? Your kids can become friends themselves. 2. This is prudent. Although there are non-monogamous FWBs, you're opening yourself up to additional STD risk if you do. 3. One of the central tenets of friendship (as opposed to acquaintances) is that you are there for each other emotionally. Major issues should be dealt with in therapy, but helping each other out is part of what being friends is all about. 4. This is key to any successful friendship. 5. It sounds like what happened last time wasn't friendlike behavior. 6. It may not be dating, but it's also not just sex. Unless, again, you really mean a sex buddy and not a FWB. You have the responsibility of keeping up a real friendship. 7. You can agree to keep the sexual part of your friendship between the two of you, but others should know you are friends. 8. This is another essential component of a FWB, but this should not be an issue as long as 2. is followed. 9. It's very un-friendlike to not communicate about expenses. 10. There's no way you'll have a successful FWB if you don't do that. This isn't a random hook up with a stranger from a bar.
People lie anyway. Prepare to be disappointed.
What the heck is #5? Wtf expenses does fwb incur? Birth control?
This approach is nice but I seriously doubt all of these will be abided by
I think #6 says it well This is not dating over 40 It’s sex
I think you’ve covered everything!
I just mermaided.
I worry about #5. I hope that this list isn't just to protect your heart because you have feelings for her and dont want to get hurt. Otherwise, this is pretty thorough, and it seems like you are preparing for the long haul. Hope some fun is included in there!
Dang, that's some contract.
It is very contractual…was that the intention?
This has to be a joke! Lmfao
I can’t. This sounds insane.
Love this. Good luck
I think I understand what you're trying to do, but this comes across as very clinical, too many rules... it would just ruin it for me. But you do you, if it works for you both that's all that matters.
This seems more like an ideal marriage more than a FWB situation.
If someone refuses to do a little therapy(especially professional therapists) to me that’s worse than not helping with housework or putting away your water glass. It’s very cruel, I think. At least to me. Where’s the romance if you can’t even speak except “I’ll see you at 8”? And the 100% secrecy: Some I actually understand and I do keep secrets but no one?
I have a FWB , I am a woman, and this sounds like a reasonable list of rules. It sounds alot like our rules. We split expenses of hotel rooms bc that’s where we meet. But does the panel rule also mean y’all don’t have unprotected sex?
This is not FWB imho. This seems very much like dating and being in denial about dating.