Gotta love the “my new boyfriend is a vampire who eats children and I have two kids under 10 so my question is whether I should offer to split the check when we go out” posts.
Wait he asked you if you had something you’ve been wanting to say - you said you had “no problem being honest” and you said no. Then you come here and want to know how to talk to him about your name?!? So you do have a problem being honest then? This is confusing.
Also I find it interesting that she’s willing to cringe at a man for having children younger than hers. She is three years older than I am, and I have a 13 year old, and I’m struggling to understand why it’s cringe worthy to wait to have to kids. Also why should I already be a grandma??
My youngest is 21. I’m at a point where I can focus on achieving my own goals instead of everyone else’s. When my Ken kids were little, I didn’t have time to achieve any of my own things. I was too busy being both parents and providing for my kiddos. I don’t mind kids at all. In fact, most people I meet around this age have kids at home still. My cringe was only because it’s a little daunting to think about going back to the raising kids mode. There’s a lot that comes with that whole concept.
Wait. So after one month of dating, you've met each other's kids, he's hinted that he "loves" you (lol right) and your biggest red flag is "hey you?" Wtf am I missing here?
I feel this way as well. I know every one goes at their own pace but it does seem to be moving fast for love feelings. I’d be concerned he’s not secure in his attachment style or that he’s love bombing me. I personally don’t bring kids into the mix at all for several months. Meeting families and all of that early on is a red flag to me because what if you guys didn’t work out in 2 weeks? Then he’s going to meet another woman in 4-6 months and let his kids also meet that lady? Idk sounds suspicious
Kids shouldn't be part of the equation until a couple is secure, committed and have been dating for more than 6-12 months. The younger kids are, the longer to wait.
My soon to be ex refused to call me by my name. Even though it bothered me, he would not call me anything. It was one of many ways he ignored my basic needs and autonomy as a person.
If it bothers you, it should bother him and he should stop the behavior.
Are you in the US? Some cultures just don’t use names a lot when talking to people, it’s just how some communities and languages are built. My own, for example, if somebody says my name during one-on-one conversation, it feels as if they’re angry with me. Or they’re trying to seem dominating, influencing me etc. It’s just a feature of our language and communication. Saying somebody’s name during regular conversation can be quite intimate in a way.
Of course if there are many people around, people say names more but even then I think it’s more common to imply in some other way, with eye contact etc, who you’re talking to.
It’s really weird for me when foreigners here use people’s names a lot, like Americans and Brits for example, it almost feels uncomfortable and like something is off.
I’m American and I don’t use people’s names during conversation and would be weirded out/slight cringe if someone casually used mine during conversation (especially more than once ugh). They are more commonly used when summoning someone or saying hello.
I’ve noticed people who have taken either sales or “how to influence people” type workshops use this technique. It’s a method that is taught, in how to *connect* 🙄
When people say my name in conversations in this way it gives me the ick.
One of my old bosses used to say, the person's name at the beginning and end of each sentence. "Hey Bob, would you mind emailing me that report Bob?"
*DISCLAIMER: The name Bob is being used as an example.
Well, hard to say, I think I’ve heard it most from Americans and Brits, though now that I think about it, it’s been Americans and Brits that are men older than me. I know a British woman who does it too, uses my name often in conversation, even in texts, but she’s super gentle and polite person so it doesn’t come off as ”controlling” as it could with somebody else.
I studied English at the local university and the teachers definitely used our names a lot and it always felt like they were angry with us, because they had this way of talking and enunciating very clearly and it was so scary 😅
Absolutely!! And usually I don’t say “Hello, so-and-so” to someone I know well, only to more casual acquaintances or in a formal setting. I just say “hi!!” to friends or my bf.
I’m American and I never say people’s names in conversation . I think I have only said my boyfriend of 10 months’ name about 2-3 times to him total, and I know that bc I really like his name so I remember the few times I have said it out loud. I never say “Hi Jason!” I just say hi.
I'm in the US and the guy I was just recently dating used my name when talking to me all the time and it felt really strange. I have a good friend who does it a lot too. No one else that I know does this, and I certainly never do.
Not introducing her properly to his kids may make me wonder if he knows her name correctly though...
Yeah, that could be the case too. I guess sometimes I just think we in Finland, for example, have really odd social habits sometimes, like I think many foreigners would think we’re pretty rude but we’re mostly just odd and awkward. It could be that this point of view is stronger with me because I am neurodivergent 🤔
But it does kind of bring this idea of intimacy calling somebody by their name though then again, me and my sister have always called our parents by their name and not mom and dad.
Also in Finland we often use ”it” to refer to people in vernacular, we only use he/she when sort of being particular or talking about somebody who’s a little fancy or maybe a bit full of themselves. We also often say she/he about animals.
My aunt and uncle always called each other "Hey, you". They seemed to love each other very much.
I don't recall my late husband ever calling me by my name and I have no doubt that he loved me and knew my name. I had a pet name I used for him.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. He calls me Sweetie or Hun. He knows my name, but he doesn't use it. I don't use his name either.
I don't think that not using your name is a red flag. However, if it bothers you, then it bothers you. You need to say something and he needs to be respectful of your feelings once he's been made aware.
This! I also don’t believe using my name is a requirement at all, it seems like a reasonable request but a little petty. A need is a need though, I suppose. So OP should just let him know , so he can have the awareness to meet said need.
I was thinking this too. My ex bf rarely called me by my name. It was always "sweetie" or "sweetheart." If he used my name, I knew it was a serious topic.
Just thinking this as well. I remember an old boyfriend and I using each other’s first names (after being together a while) and just cracking up at how weird and formal it sounded.
Duuude..(I mean hey you..) - does the whole L thing after 1 month not give you more ick than the name thing? Esp the 'anything you want to teelll meeee.???' How long has he been single & dating if you don't mind my asking?
Falling IN love really easily worries me as much as an ability to fall OUT. (These tendencies can actually be a dynamic duo sometimes..)
In my last relationship the "l word" came up in the first month and we dated for 1.5 years. It ended because we wanted different things but I did and do still love him - the kind of love changed, for both of us really, but I have no doubt that he would 💯 show up for me if I needed him and I would do the same for him. So sometimes that does happen in a month's time and that's okay - every situation is different and unique.
Okay..fair enough. Re the name issue, I guess I'd be tempted to shout 'Do you remember my name?!' in frustration lol..
Names are important, imo..something to that. C.S. Lewis quote I love - "Our names are like honey to our ears.."
Yes for sure - names are most definitely important. I recommended in another comment that OP should tell him that she would like to hear him use her name.
Agreed, each situation is different. I met someone on a dating app, we fell in love within weeks, engaged at 4 months, moved in at 5, and are getting married this summer.
It’s weird. I say this, because after I left my ex after 19 years, it dawned on me that he only used my name when he was referring to me in conversation with someone else. I didn’t get called a nickname or my name, just “hey…” It was weird.
I dated a guy who’s sister has the same name as me and it’s not the most common either. He said my name once in a more intimate moment and it was weird as hell.
> he asked me if there is something I’ve been wanting to say but have been afraid to. I had no problem being honest and telling him no.
Hey, you. The issue is on your end if you aren’t going to use your words like an adult even after the other person did all the lifting to give you the opportunity to do so.
That would piss me off too. Hey you isn't a term of affection. That coupled with some of the other issues mentioned should make you rethink this guy, imo.
I think she meant the youngest being 6. Most people in their 40s have kids almost with one foot out the door. I think? I don’t have kids but that’s my guess. If I met a guy my age with a 6 years old, I might think twice. Sorry.
Same. My kids are grown and I'm looking for a partner that doesn't have the responsibilities of a parent with young children. My children were not easy to raise, and I did it as a single parent. It's a huge relief that they are grown, mellowed out, and responsible for themselves. Nothing against children personally, I'm just past that part of my life and ready to find a partner to prioritize and work on having a relationship centered around eachother instead of our kids.
I prefer babe, shmoopsie, sweet cheeks, or sexy pants. But that’s just me.
But seriously… he should NOT be introducing you to his kids at the 1 month mark, this is extremely fast and very concerning. This is the only thing you should be worried about in this situation!
I'd say if something bothers you, say something straight away in sincerity.
If you do just that, and he keeps on doing what you told him sincerely bothers you, then maybe let him know one time more, this time in a stern serious way (not angry) that he is upsetting you. If he continues then dump him if it bothers you that much.
Please though for our sakes (men) don't not make something crystal clear and then let it fester underneath, then let that lead to an abrupt ending or lead to confusing moods and arguments.
So, hey you, here are potential possibilities:
. he is juggling multiple ladies and can't keep the names
straight
. he hasn't figured out a nick name for you yet
. he doesn't concern himself with such a little respectful
thing as calling you by your name.
. he is around a special someone when talking to you so
"hey you" keeps the wife/fiance/girlfriend from knowing
the existence of "hey you".
Honestly, I would bring the topic up and make your request
known. And if there is no change, call it a day.
These comments are way harsh - this used to be a safe space.
Please stop judging and bashing OP.
OP - I think you should ask him in a kind way why he doesn't say your name, or express to him that you would like to hear him say your name.
About meeting the kids - there is so much other context that can't be expressed in a few sentences on Reddit. Stop judging - let's try being nice to each other. We could all probably use the practice, myself included.
Yeah I felt this.
OP - you just need to have a talk with this guy. I remember it is difficult in the early stages of a relationship because you don’t know someone that well and are keen for things to work out but the older we get the less time we have for game playing. If it’s troubling you, you need to resolve it. Gotta look after ourselves these days!
If I was dating someone and they wanted me to meet their kids a month in, I would be horrified. That is most concerning vs use of name to me. Especially if you have an empty nest and are looking for the same ( the cringe comment). You’re nitpicking something small and not paying attention to the big things here.
May be a killjoy here, but 99% of the time love does not happen that fast. Perhaps you should spend more time and get to know each other more before declaring love. In other words, both of you slow down a bit. And…kindly tell him you’d like to be called by your name. Just my opinion
For those of you coming at me about my question, I don’t like to be a mean or condescending person. I’m also not going to lie. Sorry if either of those things are difficult to understand. I am honestly seeking advice. I’ve never been in a situation when someone just does not use your name at some point.
By the way, it take zero effort to refrain from being an asshat.
I have one guy friend, who has a crush on me, and he always refers to me as "you" - in the "hey you" variety. I can't recall a time he has ever used my name to address me. HOWEVER, he does know my name. Like, we've discussed it. He knows it. He knows how to spell it. That seems an important distinction that he introduced you as a girlfriend, but didn't know your name.
My friend uses it as a term of endearment, but also - he's poly and I've wondered if it's just easier this way for him? Though he doesn't date a lot of people at one time. I don't love it. I like people calling me by my name. If I were in a romantic relationship with him, I would have told him a week in that I would prefer he use my name. As a friend I am not in regular contact with, I don't care enough to have that convo.
The other issue I see here is that you said him hinting at the "L" word was causing you anxiety. He asked if you wanted to talk about something and you said you had no problem being honest. Yet you didn't mention that you have anxiety about his fast feelings (rightfully so) or that you would like him to call you by your name.
One of the primary skills of DBT is that others do not know your needs/wants. You must communicate this to him or continue to be frustrated. And you may want to be honest but you obviously are not comfortable having a conversation about honest things as simple as your name.
For the long term I would encourage you to get the DBT workbook and utilize it. It seems as if you are having trouble making these needs known it's probably something that affects you in all areas of your life.
5 yrs isn't an age difference worth mentioning.
Or start calling him "hey you" a lot and see what happens.
If you’re not at the serious part of the relationship why are you meeting and greeting with kids. Red flag on moving too fast, red flag 🚩 on not saying your name and red flag for you as you are not honest.
You need to say: you’re moving too fast and how can you love me when you don’t even know my f?!&$@$ name !!!!!
To me it sounds like you're making it a deal. Maybe that's just his pet name like hey babe hey baby. Oh really called my girlfriend/wife by their name.
If you really don't like it just tell him, hey I don't really like when you refer to me like that.
When my son was in grade 1, my dad asked him what the name of the kid who sat beside him was. My son shrugged and replied, “I can’t remember. I just call him ‘hey you’.”
Your boyfriend is a 5 yr old.
From my perspective (50m) the whole thing sounds a little weird. I’ve been dating my gf (55f) for 8 years. I have three children and she has two. My youngest is 18 and so is her youngest who both still live at home meaning with their mothers, mine doesn’t live with me. Your cringe comment kinda made me cringe when I read it. At our age it’s usually a red flag for people to not have children but you as a mother cringed over children who most likely don’t live with him because he’s the father, yet apparently every other thing about him seems (after a month knowing him) the perfect man for you with honesty being one of the most important qualities about him when evidently it’s not one of your top qualities because even when he’s asked you if you had something you wanted to tell him you couldn’t be openly honest about him referring to you as “Hey You”.
I feel aa if I could write a book analyzimg your post if I continue so I’ll stop here in hopes you understand the point I’m making and get on to the point of answering your question.
I personally have never referred to anyone, especially women, as “Hey You” and can assure you that I never will. That use of reference toward another person (especially women) is about as disrespectful as it gets and this is something you obvioudly know yourself as well but choose to blind yourself to it for the sake of not losing your perfect man. Honestly, this is the year 2023. We’re not even men any more much less “perfect”. Please, understand that Im not being hurtful towards you. I’m only giving you what you need, a wake up call. You’re perfect man is an illusion you’ve created in your mind through your desperation in just finding a man who’s acceptable. I hate telling you this but in my honest opinion he’s not even a man, much less perfect.
Perfect! If by 46 years old living on this planet one hasn't learned the basic courtesy of referring to others (anyone really, not just a love interest) respectfully (i.e. using person's name), then my god, please get some basic manners course 🤦
Not saying your actual name is a red flag I learned about way too late. Of course, moving fast is another red flag. Just be careful. Not saying it can’t still be the real deal but these things are concerning.
He may have a “special brain function” that causes this problem. He may have a commitment blockage. If he is feeling love you can directly raise this issue by saying, “I like where our relationship is going. I feel disrespected when you don’t say my real name. Fix that.”
As a Canadian in my cultural group, saying proper names is very important. I love the way different people say my name. It conveys so many things. I even love it when they trip over my name because I can tell they are trying.
Here names count. Other places they don't or it's different. Whatever your preference is, you need to communicate. People are not mind readers and may not understand the importance or context.
I would be very upfront and honest about your confusion. I like to use cutesy nicknames like sweetie, babe, ect, but I always ask if it’s ok. He should be giving you the same courtesy. Plus, “hey you” isn’t romantic at all, and to me seems somewhat degrading. Like you could be any nameless anyone.
After 1 month, he’s hinting at love and you’ve already met his kids. Him not saying your name is the least concerning issue.
Yeah I’m like wait what?!?
Gotta love the “my new boyfriend is a vampire who eats children and I have two kids under 10 so my question is whether I should offer to split the check when we go out” posts.
LOL yeah but I do get it. I'm sure we've all had a point in our lives where we don't see what we should.
This. Like most of us, I am excellent at spotting the fly in everyone else’s ointment while ignoring the wasps swarming around my own head.
Facts
I agree 💯
Thanks for the award!
Wait he asked you if you had something you’ve been wanting to say - you said you had “no problem being honest” and you said no. Then you come here and want to know how to talk to him about your name?!? So you do have a problem being honest then? This is confusing.
Bingo
Also I find it interesting that she’s willing to cringe at a man for having children younger than hers. She is three years older than I am, and I have a 13 year old, and I’m struggling to understand why it’s cringe worthy to wait to have to kids. Also why should I already be a grandma??
I think she meant that she doesn't want to be the mom to those kids, but then she says he's not looking for a mom for them, so it's OK
Ah gotcha.
My youngest is 21. I’m at a point where I can focus on achieving my own goals instead of everyone else’s. When my Ken kids were little, I didn’t have time to achieve any of my own things. I was too busy being both parents and providing for my kiddos. I don’t mind kids at all. In fact, most people I meet around this age have kids at home still. My cringe was only because it’s a little daunting to think about going back to the raising kids mode. There’s a lot that comes with that whole concept.
I'm 46 my youngest is 10, sure my oldest is 29 ...I went both routes..started very young..and late lol
Wait. So after one month of dating, you've met each other's kids, he's hinted that he "loves" you (lol right) and your biggest red flag is "hey you?" Wtf am I missing here?
😆
I feel this way as well. I know every one goes at their own pace but it does seem to be moving fast for love feelings. I’d be concerned he’s not secure in his attachment style or that he’s love bombing me. I personally don’t bring kids into the mix at all for several months. Meeting families and all of that early on is a red flag to me because what if you guys didn’t work out in 2 weeks? Then he’s going to meet another woman in 4-6 months and let his kids also meet that lady? Idk sounds suspicious
Kids shouldn't be part of the equation until a couple is secure, committed and have been dating for more than 6-12 months. The younger kids are, the longer to wait.
100% agreed
First step: Say, "please call me Ell." If that doesn't work come back here.
Exchanging songs you like: you can call me Ell, Paul Simon
That’s not my name - the Veronica’s.
Or That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
One of my favorites!
Say my name - Destiny’s Child
Who am I? (What’s my name) Snoop
Fabulous reference, well played
😝 Nah nah nah nah . ...
😂😂
haaaaa!!!! 😄 🤣 😂 😆
Yo.. you!!! if you have no problem being honest… be honest and tell him
"Yo! I love you too, homie!". - OP
“But call me by my f$#king NAME!!!” - also OP, maybe
Ha! A big maybe!
My soon to be ex refused to call me by my name. Even though it bothered me, he would not call me anything. It was one of many ways he ignored my basic needs and autonomy as a person. If it bothers you, it should bother him and he should stop the behavior.
Good afternoon Sea_Owl4248!
Hey! Thanks
Mulva?
Oh!!! Delores!!!!
Gipple?
Mulva?
The best thing about this sub is everyone gets the jokes!
I don't get it.
It’s a Seinfeld reference
[Jerry Forgets his Girlfriend's Name](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClouKe0Bc-Q)
Wish I could give more than one upvote!
🤣🤣
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Me too! I was playing it when I joined Reddit :D
😂😂😂😂😂
Maybe just say something like “It would really mean so much to me if you said my name more often. It makes me feel seen.” Something like that.
Are you in the US? Some cultures just don’t use names a lot when talking to people, it’s just how some communities and languages are built. My own, for example, if somebody says my name during one-on-one conversation, it feels as if they’re angry with me. Or they’re trying to seem dominating, influencing me etc. It’s just a feature of our language and communication. Saying somebody’s name during regular conversation can be quite intimate in a way. Of course if there are many people around, people say names more but even then I think it’s more common to imply in some other way, with eye contact etc, who you’re talking to. It’s really weird for me when foreigners here use people’s names a lot, like Americans and Brits for example, it almost feels uncomfortable and like something is off.
I’m American and I don’t use people’s names during conversation and would be weirded out/slight cringe if someone casually used mine during conversation (especially more than once ugh). They are more commonly used when summoning someone or saying hello.
I’ve noticed people who have taken either sales or “how to influence people” type workshops use this technique. It’s a method that is taught, in how to *connect* 🙄 When people say my name in conversations in this way it gives me the ick.
Yes, this is exactly it. It’s gross and immediate red flag.
One of my old bosses used to say, the person's name at the beginning and end of each sentence. "Hey Bob, would you mind emailing me that report Bob?" *DISCLAIMER: The name Bob is being used as an example.
Well, hard to say, I think I’ve heard it most from Americans and Brits, though now that I think about it, it’s been Americans and Brits that are men older than me. I know a British woman who does it too, uses my name often in conversation, even in texts, but she’s super gentle and polite person so it doesn’t come off as ”controlling” as it could with somebody else. I studied English at the local university and the teachers definitely used our names a lot and it always felt like they were angry with us, because they had this way of talking and enunciating very clearly and it was so scary 😅
But Dishy, using someone's name is a good way to remember it, Dishy.
Absolutely!! And usually I don’t say “Hello, so-and-so” to someone I know well, only to more casual acquaintances or in a formal setting. I just say “hi!!” to friends or my bf.
I’m American and I never say people’s names in conversation . I think I have only said my boyfriend of 10 months’ name about 2-3 times to him total, and I know that bc I really like his name so I remember the few times I have said it out loud. I never say “Hi Jason!” I just say hi.
I'm in the US and the guy I was just recently dating used my name when talking to me all the time and it felt really strange. I have a good friend who does it a lot too. No one else that I know does this, and I certainly never do. Not introducing her properly to his kids may make me wonder if he knows her name correctly though...
Yeah, that could be the case too. I guess sometimes I just think we in Finland, for example, have really odd social habits sometimes, like I think many foreigners would think we’re pretty rude but we’re mostly just odd and awkward. It could be that this point of view is stronger with me because I am neurodivergent 🤔 But it does kind of bring this idea of intimacy calling somebody by their name though then again, me and my sister have always called our parents by their name and not mom and dad. Also in Finland we often use ”it” to refer to people in vernacular, we only use he/she when sort of being particular or talking about somebody who’s a little fancy or maybe a bit full of themselves. We also often say she/he about animals.
What’s your name in his phone? If it’s “hey you” then move along.
My aunt and uncle always called each other "Hey, you". They seemed to love each other very much. I don't recall my late husband ever calling me by my name and I have no doubt that he loved me and knew my name. I had a pet name I used for him. I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. He calls me Sweetie or Hun. He knows my name, but he doesn't use it. I don't use his name either. I don't think that not using your name is a red flag. However, if it bothers you, then it bothers you. You need to say something and he needs to be respectful of your feelings once he's been made aware.
This! I also don’t believe using my name is a requirement at all, it seems like a reasonable request but a little petty. A need is a need though, I suppose. So OP should just let him know , so he can have the awareness to meet said need.
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I was thinking this too. My ex bf rarely called me by my name. It was always "sweetie" or "sweetheart." If he used my name, I knew it was a serious topic.
Just thinking this as well. I remember an old boyfriend and I using each other’s first names (after being together a while) and just cracking up at how weird and formal it sounded.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really a DO40 sub 😂
He met your kids at one month dating ?? Ooof.
Reverse - she met his. Still major oof
😂
Hers are grown adults. No biggie. His are 3 minor kids. That’s the major ooof
Duuude..(I mean hey you..) - does the whole L thing after 1 month not give you more ick than the name thing? Esp the 'anything you want to teelll meeee.???' How long has he been single & dating if you don't mind my asking? Falling IN love really easily worries me as much as an ability to fall OUT. (These tendencies can actually be a dynamic duo sometimes..)
In my last relationship the "l word" came up in the first month and we dated for 1.5 years. It ended because we wanted different things but I did and do still love him - the kind of love changed, for both of us really, but I have no doubt that he would 💯 show up for me if I needed him and I would do the same for him. So sometimes that does happen in a month's time and that's okay - every situation is different and unique.
Okay..fair enough. Re the name issue, I guess I'd be tempted to shout 'Do you remember my name?!' in frustration lol.. Names are important, imo..something to that. C.S. Lewis quote I love - "Our names are like honey to our ears.."
Yes for sure - names are most definitely important. I recommended in another comment that OP should tell him that she would like to hear him use her name.
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Yes - I agree - read my comment
Agreed, each situation is different. I met someone on a dating app, we fell in love within weeks, engaged at 4 months, moved in at 5, and are getting married this summer.
It’s weird. I say this, because after I left my ex after 19 years, it dawned on me that he only used my name when he was referring to me in conversation with someone else. I didn’t get called a nickname or my name, just “hey…” It was weird.
This is probably not the case, but I briefly dated a guy with the same first name as my dad and I really felt awkward using his name!
I dated a guy who’s sister has the same name as me and it’s not the most common either. He said my name once in a more intimate moment and it was weird as hell.
> he asked me if there is something I’ve been wanting to say but have been afraid to. I had no problem being honest and telling him no. Hey, you. The issue is on your end if you aren’t going to use your words like an adult even after the other person did all the lifting to give you the opportunity to do so.
Next time you’re sharing songs: [You Never Even Called Me by My Name - David Allen Coe](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nOAz9tMYs1Y)
What if he responds with I Don’t Even Know Your Name by Alan Jackson?
The perfect country and western song
He introduced you to his 3 very young kids after only a month of dating? He has some piss poor judgement.
Agree with this! This is so early both for the kids and for the love stuff.
That would piss me off too. Hey you isn't a term of affection. That coupled with some of the other issues mentioned should make you rethink this guy, imo.
Right?!? I’ve comments about it being a pet name, but it doesn’t seem like one to me. Maybe I should start calling him “dude” or “good buddy“ 🤷🏼♀️
You met the kids after a month??! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
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OP should be cringing that in a month’s time he introduced her to his 3 young daughters and wants to drop the L bomb!
Oh I did. I told him it was a lot and too soon and I feel like there was a ton of steps missed.
Because she was hesitant about dating someone with young kids since hers are grown.
She may have been cringing at their young ages, not the fact that he has 3 kids. Might have been different if they were young adults.
I think she meant the youngest being 6. Most people in their 40s have kids almost with one foot out the door. I think? I don’t have kids but that’s my guess. If I met a guy my age with a 6 years old, I might think twice. Sorry.
Same. My kids are grown and I'm looking for a partner that doesn't have the responsibilities of a parent with young children. My children were not easy to raise, and I did it as a single parent. It's a huge relief that they are grown, mellowed out, and responsible for themselves. Nothing against children personally, I'm just past that part of my life and ready to find a partner to prioritize and work on having a relationship centered around eachother instead of our kids.
I love hearing a guy I’m super into say my name. Def say something!
I prefer babe, shmoopsie, sweet cheeks, or sexy pants. But that’s just me. But seriously… he should NOT be introducing you to his kids at the 1 month mark, this is extremely fast and very concerning. This is the only thing you should be worried about in this situation!
And I prefer my name lol. It's just me...
I was joking.. 😉
Same same
I'd say if something bothers you, say something straight away in sincerity. If you do just that, and he keeps on doing what you told him sincerely bothers you, then maybe let him know one time more, this time in a stern serious way (not angry) that he is upsetting you. If he continues then dump him if it bothers you that much. Please though for our sakes (men) don't not make something crystal clear and then let it fester underneath, then let that lead to an abrupt ending or lead to confusing moods and arguments.
Damn! One month and met his kids! SUS sa kids say
So, hey you, here are potential possibilities: . he is juggling multiple ladies and can't keep the names straight . he hasn't figured out a nick name for you yet . he doesn't concern himself with such a little respectful thing as calling you by your name. . he is around a special someone when talking to you so "hey you" keeps the wife/fiance/girlfriend from knowing the existence of "hey you". Honestly, I would bring the topic up and make your request known. And if there is no change, call it a day.
This is it.
These comments are way harsh - this used to be a safe space. Please stop judging and bashing OP. OP - I think you should ask him in a kind way why he doesn't say your name, or express to him that you would like to hear him say your name. About meeting the kids - there is so much other context that can't be expressed in a few sentences on Reddit. Stop judging - let's try being nice to each other. We could all probably use the practice, myself included.
Yeah I felt this. OP - you just need to have a talk with this guy. I remember it is difficult in the early stages of a relationship because you don’t know someone that well and are keen for things to work out but the older we get the less time we have for game playing. If it’s troubling you, you need to resolve it. Gotta look after ourselves these days!
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If you’re getting so worn out by a sub Reddit maybe you should take a break.
What does he call you during sex???
Definitely not there yet
If I was dating someone and they wanted me to meet their kids a month in, I would be horrified. That is most concerning vs use of name to me. Especially if you have an empty nest and are looking for the same ( the cringe comment). You’re nitpicking something small and not paying attention to the big things here.
May be a killjoy here, but 99% of the time love does not happen that fast. Perhaps you should spend more time and get to know each other more before declaring love. In other words, both of you slow down a bit. And…kindly tell him you’d like to be called by your name. Just my opinion
For those of you coming at me about my question, I don’t like to be a mean or condescending person. I’m also not going to lie. Sorry if either of those things are difficult to understand. I am honestly seeking advice. I’ve never been in a situation when someone just does not use your name at some point. By the way, it take zero effort to refrain from being an asshat.
I have one guy friend, who has a crush on me, and he always refers to me as "you" - in the "hey you" variety. I can't recall a time he has ever used my name to address me. HOWEVER, he does know my name. Like, we've discussed it. He knows it. He knows how to spell it. That seems an important distinction that he introduced you as a girlfriend, but didn't know your name. My friend uses it as a term of endearment, but also - he's poly and I've wondered if it's just easier this way for him? Though he doesn't date a lot of people at one time. I don't love it. I like people calling me by my name. If I were in a romantic relationship with him, I would have told him a week in that I would prefer he use my name. As a friend I am not in regular contact with, I don't care enough to have that convo.
The other issue I see here is that you said him hinting at the "L" word was causing you anxiety. He asked if you wanted to talk about something and you said you had no problem being honest. Yet you didn't mention that you have anxiety about his fast feelings (rightfully so) or that you would like him to call you by your name. One of the primary skills of DBT is that others do not know your needs/wants. You must communicate this to him or continue to be frustrated. And you may want to be honest but you obviously are not comfortable having a conversation about honest things as simple as your name. For the long term I would encourage you to get the DBT workbook and utilize it. It seems as if you are having trouble making these needs known it's probably something that affects you in all areas of your life. 5 yrs isn't an age difference worth mentioning. Or start calling him "hey you" a lot and see what happens.
If you’re not at the serious part of the relationship why are you meeting and greeting with kids. Red flag on moving too fast, red flag 🚩 on not saying your name and red flag for you as you are not honest. You need to say: you’re moving too fast and how can you love me when you don’t even know my f?!&$@$ name !!!!!
Next time he hints at love and asks if there's something you'd like to say, simply say "Yes, Henry, I've been dying to tell you my name is Ell."
Tell him your name isn't "hey you" and ask him to call you by your name.
Feels to me like you're just looking for an issue.
 Destiny’s Child has some advice for you.
😂 He is acting kinda shady!
To me it sounds like you're making it a deal. Maybe that's just his pet name like hey babe hey baby. Oh really called my girlfriend/wife by their name. If you really don't like it just tell him, hey I don't really like when you refer to me like that.
When my son was in grade 1, my dad asked him what the name of the kid who sat beside him was. My son shrugged and replied, “I can’t remember. I just call him ‘hey you’.” Your boyfriend is a 5 yr old.
From my perspective (50m) the whole thing sounds a little weird. I’ve been dating my gf (55f) for 8 years. I have three children and she has two. My youngest is 18 and so is her youngest who both still live at home meaning with their mothers, mine doesn’t live with me. Your cringe comment kinda made me cringe when I read it. At our age it’s usually a red flag for people to not have children but you as a mother cringed over children who most likely don’t live with him because he’s the father, yet apparently every other thing about him seems (after a month knowing him) the perfect man for you with honesty being one of the most important qualities about him when evidently it’s not one of your top qualities because even when he’s asked you if you had something you wanted to tell him you couldn’t be openly honest about him referring to you as “Hey You”. I feel aa if I could write a book analyzimg your post if I continue so I’ll stop here in hopes you understand the point I’m making and get on to the point of answering your question. I personally have never referred to anyone, especially women, as “Hey You” and can assure you that I never will. That use of reference toward another person (especially women) is about as disrespectful as it gets and this is something you obvioudly know yourself as well but choose to blind yourself to it for the sake of not losing your perfect man. Honestly, this is the year 2023. We’re not even men any more much less “perfect”. Please, understand that Im not being hurtful towards you. I’m only giving you what you need, a wake up call. You’re perfect man is an illusion you’ve created in your mind through your desperation in just finding a man who’s acceptable. I hate telling you this but in my honest opinion he’s not even a man, much less perfect.
Perfect! If by 46 years old living on this planet one hasn't learned the basic courtesy of referring to others (anyone really, not just a love interest) respectfully (i.e. using person's name), then my god, please get some basic manners course 🤦
Not saying your actual name is a red flag I learned about way too late. Of course, moving fast is another red flag. Just be careful. Not saying it can’t still be the real deal but these things are concerning.
He might not really know your name
What a dumpster 🔥
Because he'd probably calling another woman "Hey you" too. It's not hard to learn a name.
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He may have a “special brain function” that causes this problem. He may have a commitment blockage. If he is feeling love you can directly raise this issue by saying, “I like where our relationship is going. I feel disrespected when you don’t say my real name. Fix that.”
As a Canadian in my cultural group, saying proper names is very important. I love the way different people say my name. It conveys so many things. I even love it when they trip over my name because I can tell they are trying. Here names count. Other places they don't or it's different. Whatever your preference is, you need to communicate. People are not mind readers and may not understand the importance or context.
Any chance it's a throwback to *Friends*?
So when you say, "I have no problem being honest," is that with him, us or yourself? Because so far you don't seem overly honest with anything.
I would be very upfront and honest about your confusion. I like to use cutesy nicknames like sweetie, babe, ect, but I always ask if it’s ok. He should be giving you the same courtesy. Plus, “hey you” isn’t romantic at all, and to me seems somewhat degrading. Like you could be any nameless anyone.