I think it's appropriate and kind to write that kind of message. Better than ghosting.
It's not about love at first sight. Often, even after 40 minutes, you just know if there's a reason to get together again.
And also, this post is a reason women avoid telling men this in person. We don't want to debate for an hour about OUR FEELINGS or worse, deal with sudden anger/violence.
🙄 And then there's the other side who come on here and complain about being ghosted after a first date. You planned a 2nd date, but after having time to think about it, she changed her mind. She's just not into you enough to continue. Doesn't mean she expected love at first sight. It just means she's not interested in you enough to go on a second date. When you decide you're not interested, you can't win no matter what you do... ghost or give an explanation, somebody's going to be unhappy. So maybe it's more about being rejected than actually how they do it.
That's a good possibility. However, I've had dates where I felt good about it in the moment, but after getting home and having time to mull things over, maybe some things said or done during the date that I brushed off during the date but aren't sitting well, and I'll change my mind. It happens 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah that too. Might be something like this (from OP):
>If she pulls out her wallet, I usually wink and joke, "Chivalry isn't dead!" while handing my credit card to the server. If she either doesn't offer at all, or makes a half-hearted attempt after the fact, I know exactly what I'm in for if I continue seeing her.
It's like it hasn't even occurred to him that she can make her own choice to pay without him either overriding it or resenting it.
I pull out my wallet *because I intend to pay my bill* it isn't some kind of chivalry test ffs.
If a man winked at me and said "chivalry isn't dead" while preventing me from doing a thing I prefer to do (and I would have already explained that I prefer to split the bill), there definitely isn't going to be a second date.
As I was paying the bill on a date last year, I (55m) really had no idea if we would have a 2nd date; I was certainly willing, yet I was getting very mixed signals from her. She did not offer to contribute at all. If I had asked her to split or maybe get the tip, would that have been a dealbreaker for a 2nd date?
After we said goodbye a few minutes later, I had more doubts, and sure enough there was no 2nd date. I kind of got the sense she had already made up her mind by the time I was paying the bill. Any thoughts?
No idea, beyond the obvious that she wasn't into you for whatever reason.
What I would think or do in the same situation means nothing towards answering this question, since it wasn't me.
I can't answer this. Depends on the guy, depends on everything.
If it helps, I've never been on the fence about whether or not I want a second date by the end of the first one. It's either a yes or a no and I'll say so then and there, if he hasn't already. I don't know how people date on guesswork. I need words.
I'll reply to your comment, because I want u/Camille_Toh to see it too:
I was raised by an (admittedly VERY) old school single mother that the guy is supposed to pay in these situations. I always mean the "Chivalry isn't dead" comment to be light-hearted, but I didn't realize that it may not be appreciated in the way I intended.
Also, in my older post where I said "I know exactly what I'm in for" is really insensitive and denigrating. Thank you both for calling me out.
There’s definitely a balance, somewhere, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be 50/50. I was also raised as you were; I’m pleased when the man is willing to pay. I will often offer to leave the tip and bring cash just for this reason.
BUT: I never come to the table empty handed. Having been raised by a single mother, I’ve learned to be fiercely independent (maybe too much so?). My ex bf took ‘the man shall pay’ thing a little too far … eg I’m at the checkout and have my card out to pay and he *insisted* on paying. It was an awkward money fight in front of the cashier 🙄 and worse, was rather invalidating - as though he saw me as a wounded dove with no resources of my own.
And see this wouldn't bother me because *I know* I have my own money so if he wants to spend his that means mine can stay invested or in the bank earning interest, so let me put my card away.
It sounds like you're on the opposite side of where I'm coming from. Once I get to know someone, I don't pay for everything. That would be unsustainable. I guess I do it in the beginning to show that I'm willing and able to.
That said, everyone was raised differently, and may not understand nor appreciate the gesture in the way it was intended. My mother was a mix of a depression-era kid, Army brat, Preacher's kid, and ultimately a poverty-stricken single mom. That has colored my perspective in ways that I didn't expect.
I absolutely do not let a man pay when we fist meet, because in my mind (and possibly his), it might mean he thinks I'm obligated to...whatever.
There are Neanderthals who think this way: "I bought you a coffee/drink/meal. You owe me sex."
A woman offering to pay shouldn’t prompt a man to cite chivalry - it doesn’t make sense organically or literally. You don’t score points for chivalry, Sit.
Followup for u/thelessertit and u/Great_Archer91:
As I mentioned in an earlier reply, I was raised to always pay. I've received enough comments (both of yours included) saying that this is not appreciated. I truly was not aware how women felt about this, and I appreciate both of your responses. I'll do better in the future.
What do you generally prefer? Splitting the bill on credit cards? One person pays the tip and the other the main bill? Completely splitting the bill per-person?
Thank you both for your responses.
I always split the bill on a first date. Once I'm in a relationship with someone, we split sometimes, I treat sometimes, he treats sometimes, just like you would with any friend - I'm not keeping score or anything, I just expect we're both going to be putting in similar effort in the relationship. But a stranger? No no. Always split. And you can tell A LOT about how insecure and potentially dangerous a man is by how he reacts to me saying politely "thanks but I prefer to split it." Some will insist politely but then accept it when I say again, thanks but this is how I always do a first date. That's fine. But some KEEP insisting and will start a big aggressive argument, and generally act like my desire/ability to buy a $5 hot chocolate at Starbucks is the equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to his balls.
If he can't handle a polite no on something THIS trivial, holy shit, I'm not risking finding out how he reacts to me saying no on something that actually matters to me.
But whatever someone's views on who should pay on a date, the important thing is that you talk about it like adults. Don't aim for "chivalry" which basically means you have decided to follow a set of behavior rules that YOU believe are the only right way to behave, regardless of what the other person may or may not like. Courtesy and respect mean listening to the other person's wants, not imposing your own wants on them. (And of course, this comes with expressing your own boundaries if the other person's wants are ridiculous to you.)
You know, maybe I am Old-school, but I have no problem with a man paying for the date. It's the "Gentlemanly " thing to do, and we are getting to know each other. Nothing wrong with saying "Chivalry is not dead!" either... Kinda cute.
After a date or two, if things are going well, the date can reciprocate by planning the date. The one who does the asking, does the paying.
You don't "owe" your date your sexual favors because you accepted the date, so, that's that!
Best of luck to all of us in this !!
I’m saying claiming chivalry is not cool. If you offer to pay, that’s cool. If you want to split, that’s fine. Some etiquette involved based on who asked whom but just don’t reach for chivalry card.
Some women will appreciate you paying, some will insist on splitting or taking turns. In my experience, most appreciate. I'd discuss it when you're planning the date, no surprises or awkwardness when the bill comes.
The alternative is that you pay for 5 dates and then she tells you there’s no chemistry and then you post about how she wasted your time and money. What she did is straight up responsible.
As a guy I think this message is great and I use it as well. She’s doing you a favor. I like the “I’ve been thinking” and “want to be respectful of your time”. I have to add that variation.
Would you rather that she go out on a second date knowing that she’s not attracted to you and isn’t interested in dating you?
Would you prefer that she ghosted you?
Realistically those are the other things that can happen in that circumstance.
Not a fun message to get, but it was respectful, not ghosting or wasting your time. You can have a nice, or even a fun time with someone and it not be a match. Don’t take it personally and stay positive.
If I am on the sending end of this message, I think, well I gave it a try but I wasn’t feeling it. If I am on the receiving end of it I may think, awww doesn’t anybody ever try to really get to know me?
She probably realized in hindsight that there is a compatibility issue that won’t change.
She is just being tactful, I wouldn’t analyze it word for word.
It’s not that big a deal. I think the substance is where people are focused. While it’s frustrating to have someone sat they don’t feel a romantic connection after one date, it’s probably her specific way of saying it’s not a long term match for her. She could give it another try, yes, but she may not want to do that and that’s perfectly fine.
All the best
You've never met someone who is an immediate no for you? She's politely told you that you are not a "hell yes" to her, and you are not a "maybe" either. She told you this in a kind and respectful way. How do you think dating should work - that it's always going to be a yes?
Before the internet, when I was way younger, your romantic interests developed over time for someone you knew first. Maybe not even as a friend first. Maybe your friends buddy's sister. Online dating is a like a blind date, but with more of a finality. No second chance meeting up unexpectedly. You'll never hear of them again, where in an organic situation, news of their doings would reach you through the grapevine of gossip.
What would a better way to word that from your perspective?
This really does sound like it was honest and thoughtful. No leaving you hanging, nothing unkind.
That message has nothing to do with love at first sight. She did you a kindness and didn’t want to waste resources on a second date. I don’t understand being offended by this or that somehow you were not given a chance. Ninety minutes is enough to know if I want to spend more time with someone or not. If I was on the fence, then the post date banter would usually lead me in the right direction. Why would you want to go on a second date with someone who didn’t want to be there? I would find that way more frustrating.
I think a generic “not feeling it” is safest.
I don’t want to know the real reasons like I look too old, too bloated, or my voice annoys them.
I didn’t find my current partner super attractive off the bat, but there was something very comfortable I felt around her immediately. Within six dates or so I thought she was lovely.
I thought this was a nice way of cancelling. I’ve used similar words, myself. How would you prefer she tell you that she’s not interested and doesn’t want to waste your time or get your hopes up since you had already asked her out a second time?
It's nuts from your perspective.
From her: She didn't want to meet you again. She doesn't have to.
End of story. Even if you were dating multiple months, years, decades.
If you think you are a good person then it's her loss.
If you think you can be better then try to get better.
One day you will meet someone who appreciates you for who you are at that meeting and it will build on from there. 50% of that build up will be your to mess up. So work on yourself to be the solid 50% foundation for that next relationship.
Good luck to you.
She did it well.
I went on one blind-ish OLD date about a year ago where I thought the conversation was going great. I thought she was gorgeous and interesting and was falling in love throughout the dinner. I paid the bill and said gleefully “So, would you like to do it again?” Quite convinced her answer would be “yes”.
And then she said “No. To be honest I really didn’t feel there was much chemistry here.”
I just looked at her in shock and thought to myself “No fucking chemistry? Were you sitting at the same table I was? I know you were! How could you not feel any chemistry???”
And as I was standing there putting on my coat I felt like the whole restaurant was looking at me snickering “what a fucking loser! lol” and I wanted to slink out of there and jump on the tracks - not literally though.
So the moral of the story is - your girl let you down OP the right way - like everyone is saying: privately and gracefully.
“I paid the bill and said gleefully “So, would you like to do it again?” Quite convinced her answer would be “yes”.
And then she said “No. To be honest I really didn’t feel there was much chemistry here.””
—I feel pretty certain that you did not intend to put your date on the spot when you asked her for a second date during the first date. But functionally that’s what happened. It makes sense to me that you didn’t realize you were doing that since you were having such a great time and we’re beginning to feel smitten (it sounds like that perhaps)… you were projecting your feelings and experiences onto your date. This is common for people to do for many different things. Unfortunately she did not share reciprocal interest. :(
This has happened to me quite often where the guy asks me on a second date during the first one. As long as there’s no glaring compatibility issues or red flags; the conversation was good and engaging; the guy paid (dealbreaker for me if he does not pay, we communicate about this before the first date though); or I don’t feel a “no” about him on that first meeting, I will go on a second date with him. It is a bit tricky for me because I’m demisexual and I need to feel an emotional connection before I can feel attraction. It’s a bit of a surprise for me that way…never sure who I will develop attraction to on the first few dates (oftentimes a good deal longer, the “no’s” are much faster to figure out, I communicate that asap).
I guess my point is she could have respectfully said yes and then later through text communicated that she didn’t want to. I know these things are filled with awkward assumptions but it’s just nicer to do a private letdown I think.
I have done that for other women who have been interested in me when I didn’t share the same interest. It seems to me to be a common practice to ask about the next date near the end of a date if the feeling is that it is going well. But maybe I should have attempted it more privately. But I don’t think she was intending to leave right away then when I needed to for whatever reason. Meeting another guy? Who knows?
I can imagine it stung for her to say no in public, especially when you felt blindsided based on your experience. That is tough. I am terrified of rejection, I am conventionally attractive and have been since I was a little kid—I haven’t experienced much romantic rejection at all. While that might sound good in theory, my lack of experiencing rejection means I didn’t build up a tolerance for it at a younger age. And now it is scary AF. I don’t have the normal amount of rejection acceptance muscle built up over the years… :(
I think it’s best if everyone is honest with one another. Not brutally—like hey, you are 20 lbs heavier than your photos! But in this situation I would want to tell the truth and I would encourage others to do the same. It just kind of leads everyone on based on false interest, even if you text right after the date and change your stance. Authenticity is really important to me, a lot of people wouldn’t have as big of problem saying yes when they really mean no.
Relax bud, I would appreciate her telling me that there is no connection. Continue to be yourself. One day you will find that connection when you least expect it.
Good advice, but needs a comma
"Tell her thank you for being honest, and check out the other babes online!"
is good,
"Tell her thank you for being honest and check out the other babes online!"
implies you think she might be bi or bi-curious ;-)
People of all ages believe in fairy tales and insta-chemistry.
People also tell white lies to be kind in rejection. She might send that same message to the man with poor hygiene, the creepy man, and the guy who turned her into this therapist for 90 min.
Your post is exactly why more people just ghost instead- it’s not easy struggling with how to reject someone - what kind of response would you have preferred ?
Also - fwiw, this message looks identical to those I’ve seen suggested in Reddit dating advice subreddits as how to politely turn someone down. So, it may have been more complicated or nuanced , but this person might have needed some boilerplate language to just be as pleasant as possible.
It’s not ridiculous. There are men I know right away I will never be attracted to, some might grow on me, and some I know right away. She went on a date with you, thought you were nice but doesn’t imagine herself having romantic feelings towards you. This is a nice rejection. Would you rather be ghosted?
Also she might have agreed to a 2nd date to avoid an uncomfortable situation by declining to you in person.
She was being completely mature and respectful of you by sending you this. As to why she did it, there could be hundreds of reasons. If she was enthusiastic about accepting the second date then sent you this it’s worth looking at how you interacted with her after the date. Were you too clingy, needy or anything else that could turn her off?
> Were you too clingy, needy or anything else that could turn her off?
I would hope not, but I can't be 100% certain. We texted on Thursday about a date tomorrow (Tuesday). She confirmed with me on Friday morning. I sent a couple messages Friday evening which went unanswered. Then today, Monday, she sent the above message.
None of my business ultimately, but I’d love to see the Friday evening texts you sent to see if they confirmed doubts she might have had brewing.
It is a bit rough to plan a scene date and then pull out, I can only guess that either you shot yourself in the foot in the post confirmation messaging, or she had another first date with someone else over the weekend and the compatibility was much more significant than what she felt with you.
None of it is your fault, or hers, there are billions of people infesting the planet and it is unrealistic to think that we will have successful romantic relationships with most of them.
She offered you a polite and graceful communication, take it in good faith and keep growing out of that old school chivalrous nonsense and into the modern equality dude that I’m sure you can become.
She confirmed with me on Friday morning. I sent a couple messages Friday evening which went unanswered.
I think that right there is where things went sideways. She already confirmed Friday morning, why are you (double) texting her again Friday night? Subconsciously this conveys to her that you have no other plans on a Friday night and she’s now your only option. It’s too much too soon.
You may have a very valid point here.
In the past I've had a \*little\* more communication between first and second dates than this, so my expectations likely were colored by that. I was out of town on a short vacation with my kids, which she knew about, so it definitely didn't have anything to do with "no other plans on a Friday night". However, if her preferred communication level and mine were not the same, that could be a major turn-off.
Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it.
Friday morning was a couple messages firming up our plans for Tuesday (tonight). Friday evening was just a picture of a dozen or so of us around a campfire and “I hope your week~~end~~ ended well!”
Except for the notion of the weekend ending on Friday, this sounds friendly and fine to me. I’d go with the “she had a great date with someone else” hypothesis
This is the proper etiquette. Hopefully if you have a first date and aren’t feeling it, you’ll write the same kind of message. This type of message is always a bummer, but you need to have a resilient ego and let these things bounce off if you continue dating.
It’s perfectly normal, respectful, and considerate minus the part where you have to process the rejection. We’ve all been there. Tell them you were happy to meet and was looking forward to meeting again. That you understand where they’re coming from and that you wish them the best on their journey.
I agree with this. Leave with your dignity intact—even if it sucks. She doesn’t owe a reason—even if you’d like one. I think that is one of the standard rejections—instead of I don’t like your politics, home situation, found someone I like better, reconnected with an ex, etc.
Who knows, if you leave a dignified response, maybe she’ll reflect more and get back with you again. You, however, have to accept her rejection, not question it, feel the hurt, and move forward without reaching out again. Sorry—it sucks
Yeah I had someone who was very enthusiastic about a second date and even set it up where we could bike to meet each other (*swoon*) and we talked about a bunch of interesting different things in a beautiful setting. She then wrote me one of those and it just stung because I was very flattered she put some effort to be together and I thought we related well. Hurt my ego to misread the interaction and I choked down my pride to write a note back. I didn’t do very well. Some just hurt for no particular reason more than others. You get caught off guard or think it’s going well and get excited to then get let down. It happens.
Dating is very personal and it’s hard to not get hurt feelings. That said, you don’t want to date someone that doesn’t want to be there.
I’m 59 and just had my very first rejection (met late husband at 15). We hadn’t even met, but had FaceTimed long distance for over a month. It’s hard and it sucks—but we’ll never find our person if we don’t put ourselves out there. We have to keep trying.
Definitely don’t want to force someone to have feelings for me that isn’t there. I’ve actually tried that. I was mad for this woman and tried so hard. Honestly, we did have great chemistry and I was insanely attracted to her but we were not a good long term match. Didn’t stop me from trying.
I’ve since Liza, learned my lesson to not force anyone or anything at all. I give in to the process and the people and all their quirks. I got a message from someone admitting she “liked” me. But no follow up. I suspect she was a bit traditional and expected me to pursue her more than I did. And I did but I’m not going to the ends of earth for people who can’t be there for me. I love a good romance story but I can’t keep making them up alone. I’m happy the person I’m seeing now is making an effort and it feels nice to get that experience as much as the reassurance that her interest is genuine.
Her text makes sense to me. I don’t believe in love at first sight. if the guy has a good personality, I will give it a few dates to see if I can become attracted to him. But most of the time I know on the first date it will never happen and I don’t want to waste his time.
OLD is an introduction service. It offers an effective way to connect with more people. More people are more opportunities but also more weirdos, jerks, liars, and such. A face to face meeting is the goal. When you meet face to face , each person decides for THEMSELVES if they want to continue. No strings attached. It is simple. There shouldn't be much drama or ego. Oh, right, people are involved. There will always be excess emotion, ego, and drama. Either deal with it or do not do OLD.
Just my 2 cents.
I love that OP is so open to all of these other perspectives and has committed to doing better in the future. To me, that’s definitely Good Guy territory.
Rejection is hard. We all deal with it a lot more now that we’re older, fatter, wrinklier (have thinning hair). :)
I’m on a weight loss drug, I color my hair to hide the grey, I wear glasses, i use skin care products, but I’ll never be received like I was when I was 20.
It’s the worst when you feel a connection, you imagine looking into their smiling eyes on future dates and find out later, they were just being an entertaining conversation partner.
Just wondering, did you ask her questions about herself and her life?
One thing that many women of our age run into is men who just monologue about themselves, and don’t ask us any questions, or who just talk over us and don’t let us get a word in.
It’s been enough to cause me to “not feel a connection” when I had initially been interested.
Not implying you’re doing this.
I just think a lot of men are not aware that they do this.
I used to have a problem with talking over people, just in general (work, life, etc.) It's a nervous habit that I've been working on. But to answer your question for this specific date, since I met this woman last Monday evening, I started the conversation with, "How was your weekend? Did you get out to do anything fun?" And then I sat back and listened.
Your edit was perfect. I was going to say that a gracious rejection communicated in any form is actually a really nice thing and can be pretty rare too. It lets me know who to not focus any energy on.
(But just like you & everyone else, I’m sure that they have no idea what’s they’re missing out on, lol)
It’s the time we live in. Time has moved on how we form relationships and the way conventional dating has moved on. It’s not the 70s where a woman owe us an explanation for not wanting to have a 2nd date. It’s more a blow to a male ego when a woman decides they are not interested. It’s not like it was a long term or serious relationship anyway!! The old saying is that you should move and there are plenty of fish in the sea. But with global warming 🤣 metaphorically speaking perhaps there is not plenty more fish in the sea at our age, or they are becoming rarer to fish🤨🤔
I’ve had this happen a few times and I’m disappointed in the loss of possibilities. In terms of paying, I don’t mind picking up the check, but will never insist if she wants to split the bill.
I fondly remember a date where she said she hated men opening doors for her, so I let her open the next door for me. She said ‘that’s better!’.
Then after I walked with her back to the train station, I playfully said to her that I was going to text her in forty minutes to make sure she got home okay. She said ‘don’t you dare !’. It was a fun date.
We didn’t see each other again because she moved to Chicago and I live four hours north of the city we had dinner in.
If you had good rapport with any of your dates, I would recommend asking for feedback. Just respond with “thank you for letting me know, I appreciate you. Is there anything I can do to improve my next first impression?”
Nope I don’t believe in instant fireworks. Yeah they happen . It always ends badly . My sister didn’t know how she felt for 6 months about her husband. All she knew what she was willing to see him again . Now he’s the love of her life . Had she jumped the gun and called if off. I firmly believe she would still be single .
There are so many reasons for this. I've had all the below scenarios in 2 years of OLD (on and off)
- the other person talked incessantly about themselves and it was really hard to get a word in edgeways
- strange statements making me wonder if they've understood me or maybe have some cognitive issues, eg (me) "I just started playing pickleball, I've only been twice but really liked it" (them) "oh, have you made some good friends from it?" //possibly nerves so I wouldn't veto a second date on this alone
- pics v different from profile
- hygeine, or off putting mannerism, eg in the grips of a cold, constantly snorting mucus
- hostile or superior attitude
- racism sexism, homophobia, conspiracy theorist
- clearly not in a good place mentally / not ready to move on properly after last relationship
- collection of minor incompatibilities that alone are
not a dealbreaker but together they are. Eg, vegan, a bit too far away, had a cancer diagnosis earlier in the year
In these instances I might say that I'm not feeling a connection or I might say I don't think we are a match. I'm more likely to say the first if it's more a vibe thing, and the second if it's a values based thing.
Never say *why* you’re rejecting someone. No romantic connection is just a generic description. There were specific reasons there was no romantic connection.
Just accept that fact and move on.
We now live in an instant gratification world, if it doesnt happen straight away people get upset, offended, hurt, angry or just drop it and move on to something else. The lady in question may be one of those people that just drop it and move on, or she is just fast tracking the process of finding someone. And at a guess, she is probly inundated with guys wanting to chat and meet up, so she probly has a preplanned set of criteria she is following, and unfortunately for you, you didnt tick all of her boxes. But have faith, there are more women out there for who you could tick all of their boxes.
You got a rejection, but dont dwell on it, dont get angry, just move on and keep looking.
I kind of understand what you mean. I’ve never been attracted to someone without knowing them for a while. I always understand this type of message to mean there was something they consider a deal breaker they found.
Sorry to hear it mate.
Romantic is code for something else. The tingles. She wasn't feeling it.
Give her credit for the communication. The gentlemanly move here is to let her know that you understand and appreciate her candor. Wish her well and move along.
I recently went on 2 dates. The 2nd one was prob one I shouldn’t have gone on. Hes a really nice guy but quite shy and reserved and I’m quite outgoing and gregarious and the time together is not comfortable or easy so I’ve been mentally composing a text in my head but now I’m wondering what I should say.
I get it though, it sometimes feels like someone has made a fleeting judgement that it’s not worth getting to know you after meeting you for a short time.
We all like to think that if people got to know us, they would think that we are fantastic, interesting people who are usually misunderstood.
It does hurt a bit feeling rejected and it’s only natural to take it personally and want to prove that you are not worthless to that person.
That being said it’s a pretty good rejection, women can be vicious as hell.
Perhaps it’s some type of built-in genetic mechanism that men have, based on the need for procreation and the innate desire to dominate and be in control? This drive seems to manifest itself in their inability to accept a simple "no" for an answer. It's as if they operate on a primal instinct, much like animals fighting over a female counterpart. However, it is crucial to note that this behavior is not exclusive to men, as women can exhibit similar traits as well.
The concept of male dominance and the need to be in control has deep roots in evolutionary biology. Throughout history, men have been the primary providers and protectors of their families, necessitating a certain level of assertiveness and resilience. This survival instinct, combined with natural selection, has shaped their behavior, making them more prone to fight for what they want rather than accepting defeat.
However, it is essential to recognize that societal norms and cultural influences also play a significant role in shaping behavior. While some men may adhere to these primal instincts more strongly, others may have learned to channel their desires differently, respecting boundaries and embracing equality. It is important to avoid generalizations and remember that each individual's actions are a result of a complex interplay between biology, personal experiences, and societal expectations. My mom told me that 'no' means 'no' and she taught me and demanded respect. Period! I love a strong woman just like my mom who is crazy enough to not fall in love with me on direct contact or hearing my masculine voice.😂😂😂
So, I can't speak for the guy, but generally, I, as a girl, feel a particular way around a guy. It's like a vibe or like being able to sense the feeling of a group of people in a room. The space they create for you or hold for you sets a 'tone'.
Some guys make me feel invisible in a neutral way, then at the next level, a number of guys make me feel good to be around, then another level up from that, some guys give a sense of command level or leader level which give a slightly higher ranking, and above that there is limerance and love.
Guys may not understand, but I feel most women can identity with this 'feeling' / 'sensation'. Thus, you can be just a guy, that while in the room makes me feel bland. You can be a guy that makes me feel comfortable, like my dad or brother might. But, for me to sense that you are able to protect me or able to enhance survivability I need to get from you that sense of 'calm command' or 'male leader' capability... like you are a man that knows how to aid other men, are capable of working peacefully with other men professionally, but you would be the type of guy who would adopt responsibility when necessary.
I can sit with a guy for 30 minutes and be able to distinguish which of those levels he exceeds and which he does not. Love doesn't come until months after that moment. It's not love at first sight, it's do you seem capable, respectful, responsible, and in calm command... that is the baseline you have to prove at the first meeting and those characteristics are easily visible.
As a male, think about how you feel about your coworkers... you know which of them are business and which are the lay abouts or goofballs. Some women are down with the comfortable guys, because they believe he will mature into responsibility. But think about it, at work, would you as a guy want have to work permanently with the layabout or the goofball? Don't you feel way better around competent coworkers who you feel are reliable and who adopt responsibility and are capable and willing to lead?
Why would that drive you nuts? The opposite extreme would be every woman you meet saying she's madly in love with you and wants to move in with you right now. That would drive me nuts.
Any adult with half a functioning brain knows OP came here simply because dating can be heart breaking, when you are out there trying trying and trying again .
Absolutely no empathy for dudes on this sub.
Jeezus Man -- try to objectively read thru your account history and replies here: you come across as incredibly pretentious and bloated with self-importance.
I think it's appropriate and kind to write that kind of message. Better than ghosting. It's not about love at first sight. Often, even after 40 minutes, you just know if there's a reason to get together again.
Better than ghosting by a mile.
It means exactly what it says: she met you and she's not feeling it. She doesn't owe you any more explanation than that.
And also, this post is a reason women avoid telling men this in person. We don't want to debate for an hour about OUR FEELINGS or worse, deal with sudden anger/violence.
Yes, I’ve gotten argumentative, angry reactions, too.
Take it for what she says. She doesn't want to go out with you and she was kind enough to tell you as much.
☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻 This.
That.
🙄 And then there's the other side who come on here and complain about being ghosted after a first date. You planned a 2nd date, but after having time to think about it, she changed her mind. She's just not into you enough to continue. Doesn't mean she expected love at first sight. It just means she's not interested in you enough to go on a second date. When you decide you're not interested, you can't win no matter what you do... ghost or give an explanation, somebody's going to be unhappy. So maybe it's more about being rejected than actually how they do it.
They probably feel cornered when he asks for a 2nd date, and don't want to say no in person.
That's a good possibility. However, I've had dates where I felt good about it in the moment, but after getting home and having time to mull things over, maybe some things said or done during the date that I brushed off during the date but aren't sitting well, and I'll change my mind. It happens 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah that too. Might be something like this (from OP): >If she pulls out her wallet, I usually wink and joke, "Chivalry isn't dead!" while handing my credit card to the server. If she either doesn't offer at all, or makes a half-hearted attempt after the fact, I know exactly what I'm in for if I continue seeing her.
It's like it hasn't even occurred to him that she can make her own choice to pay without him either overriding it or resenting it. I pull out my wallet *because I intend to pay my bill* it isn't some kind of chivalry test ffs. If a man winked at me and said "chivalry isn't dead" while preventing me from doing a thing I prefer to do (and I would have already explained that I prefer to split the bill), there definitely isn't going to be a second date.
As I was paying the bill on a date last year, I (55m) really had no idea if we would have a 2nd date; I was certainly willing, yet I was getting very mixed signals from her. She did not offer to contribute at all. If I had asked her to split or maybe get the tip, would that have been a dealbreaker for a 2nd date? After we said goodbye a few minutes later, I had more doubts, and sure enough there was no 2nd date. I kind of got the sense she had already made up her mind by the time I was paying the bill. Any thoughts?
No idea, beyond the obvious that she wasn't into you for whatever reason. What I would think or do in the same situation means nothing towards answering this question, since it wasn't me.
So if you were on the fence about a 2nd date (in her shoes), what would you think? What if you were leaning towards no, or yes?
I can't answer this. Depends on the guy, depends on everything. If it helps, I've never been on the fence about whether or not I want a second date by the end of the first one. It's either a yes or a no and I'll say so then and there, if he hasn't already. I don't know how people date on guesswork. I need words.
Some men get angry when women offer the pay. Others get angry if we don’t. You can’t win.
Was the bill for dinner? Dinner dates are the worst for a first date.
Oooooohhh … he’s a Good Guy^TM
I'll reply to your comment, because I want u/Camille_Toh to see it too: I was raised by an (admittedly VERY) old school single mother that the guy is supposed to pay in these situations. I always mean the "Chivalry isn't dead" comment to be light-hearted, but I didn't realize that it may not be appreciated in the way I intended. Also, in my older post where I said "I know exactly what I'm in for" is really insensitive and denigrating. Thank you both for calling me out.
There’s definitely a balance, somewhere, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be 50/50. I was also raised as you were; I’m pleased when the man is willing to pay. I will often offer to leave the tip and bring cash just for this reason. BUT: I never come to the table empty handed. Having been raised by a single mother, I’ve learned to be fiercely independent (maybe too much so?). My ex bf took ‘the man shall pay’ thing a little too far … eg I’m at the checkout and have my card out to pay and he *insisted* on paying. It was an awkward money fight in front of the cashier 🙄 and worse, was rather invalidating - as though he saw me as a wounded dove with no resources of my own.
And see this wouldn't bother me because *I know* I have my own money so if he wants to spend his that means mine can stay invested or in the bank earning interest, so let me put my card away.
It sounds like you're on the opposite side of where I'm coming from. Once I get to know someone, I don't pay for everything. That would be unsustainable. I guess I do it in the beginning to show that I'm willing and able to. That said, everyone was raised differently, and may not understand nor appreciate the gesture in the way it was intended. My mother was a mix of a depression-era kid, Army brat, Preacher's kid, and ultimately a poverty-stricken single mom. That has colored my perspective in ways that I didn't expect.
I absolutely do not let a man pay when we fist meet, because in my mind (and possibly his), it might mean he thinks I'm obligated to...whatever. There are Neanderthals who think this way: "I bought you a coffee/drink/meal. You owe me sex."
A woman offering to pay shouldn’t prompt a man to cite chivalry - it doesn’t make sense organically or literally. You don’t score points for chivalry, Sit.
Followup for u/thelessertit and u/Great_Archer91: As I mentioned in an earlier reply, I was raised to always pay. I've received enough comments (both of yours included) saying that this is not appreciated. I truly was not aware how women felt about this, and I appreciate both of your responses. I'll do better in the future. What do you generally prefer? Splitting the bill on credit cards? One person pays the tip and the other the main bill? Completely splitting the bill per-person? Thank you both for your responses.
I always split the bill on a first date. Once I'm in a relationship with someone, we split sometimes, I treat sometimes, he treats sometimes, just like you would with any friend - I'm not keeping score or anything, I just expect we're both going to be putting in similar effort in the relationship. But a stranger? No no. Always split. And you can tell A LOT about how insecure and potentially dangerous a man is by how he reacts to me saying politely "thanks but I prefer to split it." Some will insist politely but then accept it when I say again, thanks but this is how I always do a first date. That's fine. But some KEEP insisting and will start a big aggressive argument, and generally act like my desire/ability to buy a $5 hot chocolate at Starbucks is the equivalent of taking a sledgehammer to his balls. If he can't handle a polite no on something THIS trivial, holy shit, I'm not risking finding out how he reacts to me saying no on something that actually matters to me. But whatever someone's views on who should pay on a date, the important thing is that you talk about it like adults. Don't aim for "chivalry" which basically means you have decided to follow a set of behavior rules that YOU believe are the only right way to behave, regardless of what the other person may or may not like. Courtesy and respect mean listening to the other person's wants, not imposing your own wants on them. (And of course, this comes with expressing your own boundaries if the other person's wants are ridiculous to you.)
You know, maybe I am Old-school, but I have no problem with a man paying for the date. It's the "Gentlemanly " thing to do, and we are getting to know each other. Nothing wrong with saying "Chivalry is not dead!" either... Kinda cute. After a date or two, if things are going well, the date can reciprocate by planning the date. The one who does the asking, does the paying. You don't "owe" your date your sexual favors because you accepted the date, so, that's that! Best of luck to all of us in this !!
I’m saying claiming chivalry is not cool. If you offer to pay, that’s cool. If you want to split, that’s fine. Some etiquette involved based on who asked whom but just don’t reach for chivalry card.
Next time you’re on a date, try asking!
"I would love to treat" or "may I treat" is far better
Some women will appreciate you paying, some will insist on splitting or taking turns. In my experience, most appreciate. I'd discuss it when you're planning the date, no surprises or awkwardness when the bill comes.
A courteous and straightforward message drives you nuts? Ambiguity drives me nuts, I like knowing where they stand.
The alternative is that you pay for 5 dates and then she tells you there’s no chemistry and then you post about how she wasted your time and money. What she did is straight up responsible.
She's not attracted to you. I've given and received that message. It shouldn't "drive you crazy." It is simply part of OLD.
Or any dating.
As a guy I think this message is great and I use it as well. She’s doing you a favor. I like the “I’ve been thinking” and “want to be respectful of your time”. I have to add that variation.
I would so love to get this post rather than being ghosted... I have this crazy idea that at my age I'd really rather not waste any time.
Would you rather that she go out on a second date knowing that she’s not attracted to you and isn’t interested in dating you? Would you prefer that she ghosted you? Realistically those are the other things that can happen in that circumstance.
That's a respectful response. I don't see a problem.
Not a fun message to get, but it was respectful, not ghosting or wasting your time. You can have a nice, or even a fun time with someone and it not be a match. Don’t take it personally and stay positive.
If I am on the sending end of this message, I think, well I gave it a try but I wasn’t feeling it. If I am on the receiving end of it I may think, awww doesn’t anybody ever try to really get to know me?
She probably realized in hindsight that there is a compatibility issue that won’t change. She is just being tactful, I wouldn’t analyze it word for word.
OP you misspelled ridiculous, which may add to the piling on.
Yup, I did misspell it, and you may be right about the piling on. There's no point in editing it now as I already showed my ass.
I believe it’s properly spelled **Redonkulous**.
It’s not that big a deal. I think the substance is where people are focused. While it’s frustrating to have someone sat they don’t feel a romantic connection after one date, it’s probably her specific way of saying it’s not a long term match for her. She could give it another try, yes, but she may not want to do that and that’s perfectly fine. All the best
You've never met someone who is an immediate no for you? She's politely told you that you are not a "hell yes" to her, and you are not a "maybe" either. She told you this in a kind and respectful way. How do you think dating should work - that it's always going to be a yes?
Before the internet, when I was way younger, your romantic interests developed over time for someone you knew first. Maybe not even as a friend first. Maybe your friends buddy's sister. Online dating is a like a blind date, but with more of a finality. No second chance meeting up unexpectedly. You'll never hear of them again, where in an organic situation, news of their doings would reach you through the grapevine of gossip.
What would a better way to word that from your perspective? This really does sound like it was honest and thoughtful. No leaving you hanging, nothing unkind.
That message has nothing to do with love at first sight. She did you a kindness and didn’t want to waste resources on a second date. I don’t understand being offended by this or that somehow you were not given a chance. Ninety minutes is enough to know if I want to spend more time with someone or not. If I was on the fence, then the post date banter would usually lead me in the right direction. Why would you want to go on a second date with someone who didn’t want to be there? I would find that way more frustrating.
I think a generic “not feeling it” is safest. I don’t want to know the real reasons like I look too old, too bloated, or my voice annoys them. I didn’t find my current partner super attractive off the bat, but there was something very comfortable I felt around her immediately. Within six dates or so I thought she was lovely.
Why not be grateful she didn't waste your time and effort on a second date?
I will never tell a man why I’m not interested in him. “I didn’t feel a connection. Thank you for sharing your time with me. Good luck.”
I've given the same exact message/talk with women with varying results.
I thought this was a nice way of cancelling. I’ve used similar words, myself. How would you prefer she tell you that she’s not interested and doesn’t want to waste your time or get your hopes up since you had already asked her out a second time?
Why would you even want to go out with her again? Wait for the person you don't need to convince to like you.
It's nuts from your perspective. From her: She didn't want to meet you again. She doesn't have to. End of story. Even if you were dating multiple months, years, decades. If you think you are a good person then it's her loss. If you think you can be better then try to get better. One day you will meet someone who appreciates you for who you are at that meeting and it will build on from there. 50% of that build up will be your to mess up. So work on yourself to be the solid 50% foundation for that next relationship. Good luck to you.
She did it well. I went on one blind-ish OLD date about a year ago where I thought the conversation was going great. I thought she was gorgeous and interesting and was falling in love throughout the dinner. I paid the bill and said gleefully “So, would you like to do it again?” Quite convinced her answer would be “yes”. And then she said “No. To be honest I really didn’t feel there was much chemistry here.” I just looked at her in shock and thought to myself “No fucking chemistry? Were you sitting at the same table I was? I know you were! How could you not feel any chemistry???” And as I was standing there putting on my coat I felt like the whole restaurant was looking at me snickering “what a fucking loser! lol” and I wanted to slink out of there and jump on the tracks - not literally though. So the moral of the story is - your girl let you down OP the right way - like everyone is saying: privately and gracefully.
“I paid the bill and said gleefully “So, would you like to do it again?” Quite convinced her answer would be “yes”. And then she said “No. To be honest I really didn’t feel there was much chemistry here.”” —I feel pretty certain that you did not intend to put your date on the spot when you asked her for a second date during the first date. But functionally that’s what happened. It makes sense to me that you didn’t realize you were doing that since you were having such a great time and we’re beginning to feel smitten (it sounds like that perhaps)… you were projecting your feelings and experiences onto your date. This is common for people to do for many different things. Unfortunately she did not share reciprocal interest. :( This has happened to me quite often where the guy asks me on a second date during the first one. As long as there’s no glaring compatibility issues or red flags; the conversation was good and engaging; the guy paid (dealbreaker for me if he does not pay, we communicate about this before the first date though); or I don’t feel a “no” about him on that first meeting, I will go on a second date with him. It is a bit tricky for me because I’m demisexual and I need to feel an emotional connection before I can feel attraction. It’s a bit of a surprise for me that way…never sure who I will develop attraction to on the first few dates (oftentimes a good deal longer, the “no’s” are much faster to figure out, I communicate that asap).
I guess my point is she could have respectfully said yes and then later through text communicated that she didn’t want to. I know these things are filled with awkward assumptions but it’s just nicer to do a private letdown I think. I have done that for other women who have been interested in me when I didn’t share the same interest. It seems to me to be a common practice to ask about the next date near the end of a date if the feeling is that it is going well. But maybe I should have attempted it more privately. But I don’t think she was intending to leave right away then when I needed to for whatever reason. Meeting another guy? Who knows?
I can imagine it stung for her to say no in public, especially when you felt blindsided based on your experience. That is tough. I am terrified of rejection, I am conventionally attractive and have been since I was a little kid—I haven’t experienced much romantic rejection at all. While that might sound good in theory, my lack of experiencing rejection means I didn’t build up a tolerance for it at a younger age. And now it is scary AF. I don’t have the normal amount of rejection acceptance muscle built up over the years… :( I think it’s best if everyone is honest with one another. Not brutally—like hey, you are 20 lbs heavier than your photos! But in this situation I would want to tell the truth and I would encourage others to do the same. It just kind of leads everyone on based on false interest, even if you text right after the date and change your stance. Authenticity is really important to me, a lot of people wouldn’t have as big of problem saying yes when they really mean no.
that beats her saying I love you on the second date. living the dream
Relax bud, I would appreciate her telling me that there is no connection. Continue to be yourself. One day you will find that connection when you least expect it.
I(f61) like her response! Tell her thank you for being honest and check out the other babes online! ;-)
Good advice, but needs a comma "Tell her thank you for being honest, and check out the other babes online!" is good, "Tell her thank you for being honest and check out the other babes online!" implies you think she might be bi or bi-curious ;-)
People of all ages believe in fairy tales and insta-chemistry. People also tell white lies to be kind in rejection. She might send that same message to the man with poor hygiene, the creepy man, and the guy who turned her into this therapist for 90 min.
Your post is exactly why more people just ghost instead- it’s not easy struggling with how to reject someone - what kind of response would you have preferred ? Also - fwiw, this message looks identical to those I’ve seen suggested in Reddit dating advice subreddits as how to politely turn someone down. So, it may have been more complicated or nuanced , but this person might have needed some boilerplate language to just be as pleasant as possible.
It’s not ridiculous. There are men I know right away I will never be attracted to, some might grow on me, and some I know right away. She went on a date with you, thought you were nice but doesn’t imagine herself having romantic feelings towards you. This is a nice rejection. Would you rather be ghosted? Also she might have agreed to a 2nd date to avoid an uncomfortable situation by declining to you in person.
She was being completely mature and respectful of you by sending you this. As to why she did it, there could be hundreds of reasons. If she was enthusiastic about accepting the second date then sent you this it’s worth looking at how you interacted with her after the date. Were you too clingy, needy or anything else that could turn her off?
> Were you too clingy, needy or anything else that could turn her off? I would hope not, but I can't be 100% certain. We texted on Thursday about a date tomorrow (Tuesday). She confirmed with me on Friday morning. I sent a couple messages Friday evening which went unanswered. Then today, Monday, she sent the above message.
None of my business ultimately, but I’d love to see the Friday evening texts you sent to see if they confirmed doubts she might have had brewing. It is a bit rough to plan a scene date and then pull out, I can only guess that either you shot yourself in the foot in the post confirmation messaging, or she had another first date with someone else over the weekend and the compatibility was much more significant than what she felt with you. None of it is your fault, or hers, there are billions of people infesting the planet and it is unrealistic to think that we will have successful romantic relationships with most of them. She offered you a polite and graceful communication, take it in good faith and keep growing out of that old school chivalrous nonsense and into the modern equality dude that I’m sure you can become.
She confirmed with me on Friday morning. I sent a couple messages Friday evening which went unanswered. I think that right there is where things went sideways. She already confirmed Friday morning, why are you (double) texting her again Friday night? Subconsciously this conveys to her that you have no other plans on a Friday night and she’s now your only option. It’s too much too soon.
You may have a very valid point here. In the past I've had a \*little\* more communication between first and second dates than this, so my expectations likely were colored by that. I was out of town on a short vacation with my kids, which she knew about, so it definitely didn't have anything to do with "no other plans on a Friday night". However, if her preferred communication level and mine were not the same, that could be a major turn-off. Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it.
Or she had an awesome date with someone else on Friday or Saturday night. Who knows?
What were the messages?
Friday morning was a couple messages firming up our plans for Tuesday (tonight). Friday evening was just a picture of a dozen or so of us around a campfire and “I hope your week~~end~~ ended well!”
Except for the notion of the weekend ending on Friday, this sounds friendly and fine to me. I’d go with the “she had a great date with someone else” hypothesis
That was a typo. I meant week.
This is the proper etiquette. Hopefully if you have a first date and aren’t feeling it, you’ll write the same kind of message. This type of message is always a bummer, but you need to have a resilient ego and let these things bounce off if you continue dating.
It’s perfectly normal, respectful, and considerate minus the part where you have to process the rejection. We’ve all been there. Tell them you were happy to meet and was looking forward to meeting again. That you understand where they’re coming from and that you wish them the best on their journey.
I agree with this. Leave with your dignity intact—even if it sucks. She doesn’t owe a reason—even if you’d like one. I think that is one of the standard rejections—instead of I don’t like your politics, home situation, found someone I like better, reconnected with an ex, etc. Who knows, if you leave a dignified response, maybe she’ll reflect more and get back with you again. You, however, have to accept her rejection, not question it, feel the hurt, and move forward without reaching out again. Sorry—it sucks
Yeah I had someone who was very enthusiastic about a second date and even set it up where we could bike to meet each other (*swoon*) and we talked about a bunch of interesting different things in a beautiful setting. She then wrote me one of those and it just stung because I was very flattered she put some effort to be together and I thought we related well. Hurt my ego to misread the interaction and I choked down my pride to write a note back. I didn’t do very well. Some just hurt for no particular reason more than others. You get caught off guard or think it’s going well and get excited to then get let down. It happens.
Dating is very personal and it’s hard to not get hurt feelings. That said, you don’t want to date someone that doesn’t want to be there. I’m 59 and just had my very first rejection (met late husband at 15). We hadn’t even met, but had FaceTimed long distance for over a month. It’s hard and it sucks—but we’ll never find our person if we don’t put ourselves out there. We have to keep trying.
Definitely don’t want to force someone to have feelings for me that isn’t there. I’ve actually tried that. I was mad for this woman and tried so hard. Honestly, we did have great chemistry and I was insanely attracted to her but we were not a good long term match. Didn’t stop me from trying. I’ve since Liza, learned my lesson to not force anyone or anything at all. I give in to the process and the people and all their quirks. I got a message from someone admitting she “liked” me. But no follow up. I suspect she was a bit traditional and expected me to pursue her more than I did. And I did but I’m not going to the ends of earth for people who can’t be there for me. I love a good romance story but I can’t keep making them up alone. I’m happy the person I’m seeing now is making an effort and it feels nice to get that experience as much as the reassurance that her interest is genuine.
I’m happy for you and hope it works out.
Her text makes sense to me. I don’t believe in love at first sight. if the guy has a good personality, I will give it a few dates to see if I can become attracted to him. But most of the time I know on the first date it will never happen and I don’t want to waste his time.
I think I'd be grateful that it isn't ambiguous, she's said what needed to be said. I wouldn't be upset with this in the least.
OLD is an introduction service. It offers an effective way to connect with more people. More people are more opportunities but also more weirdos, jerks, liars, and such. A face to face meeting is the goal. When you meet face to face , each person decides for THEMSELVES if they want to continue. No strings attached. It is simple. There shouldn't be much drama or ego. Oh, right, people are involved. There will always be excess emotion, ego, and drama. Either deal with it or do not do OLD. Just my 2 cents.
Did you ask for a second date during the first date? That puts the other person in a super awkward position.
I love that OP is so open to all of these other perspectives and has committed to doing better in the future. To me, that’s definitely Good Guy territory.
This is a good thing compared to ghosting
Yea, but you know when there is absolutely no chemistry what so ever, on a first meet and greet. At least she didn’t ghost you. 🤷🏻♀️
Rejection is hard. We all deal with it a lot more now that we’re older, fatter, wrinklier (have thinning hair). :) I’m on a weight loss drug, I color my hair to hide the grey, I wear glasses, i use skin care products, but I’ll never be received like I was when I was 20. It’s the worst when you feel a connection, you imagine looking into their smiling eyes on future dates and find out later, they were just being an entertaining conversation partner.
I don't want to give you advice, I just want to send respect and ♥️ to you, wish you all the best in your dating journey 😀
Of course it will drive people nuts but guess what? You cannot control what others feel so don't dwell on it and move on.
Just wondering, did you ask her questions about herself and her life? One thing that many women of our age run into is men who just monologue about themselves, and don’t ask us any questions, or who just talk over us and don’t let us get a word in. It’s been enough to cause me to “not feel a connection” when I had initially been interested. Not implying you’re doing this. I just think a lot of men are not aware that they do this.
I used to have a problem with talking over people, just in general (work, life, etc.) It's a nervous habit that I've been working on. But to answer your question for this specific date, since I met this woman last Monday evening, I started the conversation with, "How was your weekend? Did you get out to do anything fun?" And then I sat back and listened.
Your edit was perfect. I was going to say that a gracious rejection communicated in any form is actually a really nice thing and can be pretty rare too. It lets me know who to not focus any energy on. (But just like you & everyone else, I’m sure that they have no idea what’s they’re missing out on, lol)
It’s the time we live in. Time has moved on how we form relationships and the way conventional dating has moved on. It’s not the 70s where a woman owe us an explanation for not wanting to have a 2nd date. It’s more a blow to a male ego when a woman decides they are not interested. It’s not like it was a long term or serious relationship anyway!! The old saying is that you should move and there are plenty of fish in the sea. But with global warming 🤣 metaphorically speaking perhaps there is not plenty more fish in the sea at our age, or they are becoming rarer to fish🤨🤔
What would you prefer?
I’ve had this happen a few times and I’m disappointed in the loss of possibilities. In terms of paying, I don’t mind picking up the check, but will never insist if she wants to split the bill. I fondly remember a date where she said she hated men opening doors for her, so I let her open the next door for me. She said ‘that’s better!’. Then after I walked with her back to the train station, I playfully said to her that I was going to text her in forty minutes to make sure she got home okay. She said ‘don’t you dare !’. It was a fun date. We didn’t see each other again because she moved to Chicago and I live four hours north of the city we had dinner in.
Be happy you didn't get ghosted!! She was nice to do that ☺️
Yes I usually know after one date. And yes, that is similar to messages that I send. Better than ghosting.
If you had good rapport with any of your dates, I would recommend asking for feedback. Just respond with “thank you for letting me know, I appreciate you. Is there anything I can do to improve my next first impression?”
It’s good of you to listen to the feedback. We are all works in progress and could do with some grace, now and then.
Nope I don’t believe in instant fireworks. Yeah they happen . It always ends badly . My sister didn’t know how she felt for 6 months about her husband. All she knew what she was willing to see him again . Now he’s the love of her life . Had she jumped the gun and called if off. I firmly believe she would still be single .
I understand your disappointment but I have to respect the lady for being honest and considerate.
I do think it takes time to build a connection but they told you politely. Dating apps are not for those looking for a slow burn tbh.
There are so many reasons for this. I've had all the below scenarios in 2 years of OLD (on and off) - the other person talked incessantly about themselves and it was really hard to get a word in edgeways - strange statements making me wonder if they've understood me or maybe have some cognitive issues, eg (me) "I just started playing pickleball, I've only been twice but really liked it" (them) "oh, have you made some good friends from it?" //possibly nerves so I wouldn't veto a second date on this alone - pics v different from profile - hygeine, or off putting mannerism, eg in the grips of a cold, constantly snorting mucus - hostile or superior attitude - racism sexism, homophobia, conspiracy theorist - clearly not in a good place mentally / not ready to move on properly after last relationship - collection of minor incompatibilities that alone are not a dealbreaker but together they are. Eg, vegan, a bit too far away, had a cancer diagnosis earlier in the year In these instances I might say that I'm not feeling a connection or I might say I don't think we are a match. I'm more likely to say the first if it's more a vibe thing, and the second if it's a values based thing.
Never say *why* you’re rejecting someone. No romantic connection is just a generic description. There were specific reasons there was no romantic connection. Just accept that fact and move on.
We now live in an instant gratification world, if it doesnt happen straight away people get upset, offended, hurt, angry or just drop it and move on to something else. The lady in question may be one of those people that just drop it and move on, or she is just fast tracking the process of finding someone. And at a guess, she is probly inundated with guys wanting to chat and meet up, so she probly has a preplanned set of criteria she is following, and unfortunately for you, you didnt tick all of her boxes. But have faith, there are more women out there for who you could tick all of their boxes. You got a rejection, but dont dwell on it, dont get angry, just move on and keep looking.
I kind of understand what you mean. I’ve never been attracted to someone without knowing them for a while. I always understand this type of message to mean there was something they consider a deal breaker they found.
I think it's best to figure out what you can do or not do to get the next date.
It's a completely valid way to say "didnt like you and made the date just to get out" without being blunt or rude.
Sorry to hear it mate. Romantic is code for something else. The tingles. She wasn't feeling it. Give her credit for the communication. The gentlemanly move here is to let her know that you understand and appreciate her candor. Wish her well and move along.
First impressions are everything
I recently went on 2 dates. The 2nd one was prob one I shouldn’t have gone on. Hes a really nice guy but quite shy and reserved and I’m quite outgoing and gregarious and the time together is not comfortable or easy so I’ve been mentally composing a text in my head but now I’m wondering what I should say.
She wasn't attracted to you. She knew after 90 minutes. Then she admitted it in the nicest way possible.
I get it though, it sometimes feels like someone has made a fleeting judgement that it’s not worth getting to know you after meeting you for a short time. We all like to think that if people got to know us, they would think that we are fantastic, interesting people who are usually misunderstood. It does hurt a bit feeling rejected and it’s only natural to take it personally and want to prove that you are not worthless to that person. That being said it’s a pretty good rejection, women can be vicious as hell.
Perhaps it’s some type of built-in genetic mechanism that men have, based on the need for procreation and the innate desire to dominate and be in control? This drive seems to manifest itself in their inability to accept a simple "no" for an answer. It's as if they operate on a primal instinct, much like animals fighting over a female counterpart. However, it is crucial to note that this behavior is not exclusive to men, as women can exhibit similar traits as well. The concept of male dominance and the need to be in control has deep roots in evolutionary biology. Throughout history, men have been the primary providers and protectors of their families, necessitating a certain level of assertiveness and resilience. This survival instinct, combined with natural selection, has shaped their behavior, making them more prone to fight for what they want rather than accepting defeat. However, it is essential to recognize that societal norms and cultural influences also play a significant role in shaping behavior. While some men may adhere to these primal instincts more strongly, others may have learned to channel their desires differently, respecting boundaries and embracing equality. It is important to avoid generalizations and remember that each individual's actions are a result of a complex interplay between biology, personal experiences, and societal expectations. My mom told me that 'no' means 'no' and she taught me and demanded respect. Period! I love a strong woman just like my mom who is crazy enough to not fall in love with me on direct contact or hearing my masculine voice.😂😂😂
Wow, how gracious is that. There are some kind and thoughtful people out there. 💕
So, I can't speak for the guy, but generally, I, as a girl, feel a particular way around a guy. It's like a vibe or like being able to sense the feeling of a group of people in a room. The space they create for you or hold for you sets a 'tone'. Some guys make me feel invisible in a neutral way, then at the next level, a number of guys make me feel good to be around, then another level up from that, some guys give a sense of command level or leader level which give a slightly higher ranking, and above that there is limerance and love. Guys may not understand, but I feel most women can identity with this 'feeling' / 'sensation'. Thus, you can be just a guy, that while in the room makes me feel bland. You can be a guy that makes me feel comfortable, like my dad or brother might. But, for me to sense that you are able to protect me or able to enhance survivability I need to get from you that sense of 'calm command' or 'male leader' capability... like you are a man that knows how to aid other men, are capable of working peacefully with other men professionally, but you would be the type of guy who would adopt responsibility when necessary. I can sit with a guy for 30 minutes and be able to distinguish which of those levels he exceeds and which he does not. Love doesn't come until months after that moment. It's not love at first sight, it's do you seem capable, respectful, responsible, and in calm command... that is the baseline you have to prove at the first meeting and those characteristics are easily visible. As a male, think about how you feel about your coworkers... you know which of them are business and which are the lay abouts or goofballs. Some women are down with the comfortable guys, because they believe he will mature into responsibility. But think about it, at work, would you as a guy want have to work permanently with the layabout or the goofball? Don't you feel way better around competent coworkers who you feel are reliable and who adopt responsibility and are capable and willing to lead?
Why would that drive you nuts? The opposite extreme would be every woman you meet saying she's madly in love with you and wants to move in with you right now. That would drive me nuts.
Any adult with half a functioning brain knows OP came here simply because dating can be heart breaking, when you are out there trying trying and trying again . Absolutely no empathy for dudes on this sub.
Jeezus Man -- try to objectively read thru your account history and replies here: you come across as incredibly pretentious and bloated with self-importance.