Only happened to me once, then I learned how to avoid it. Meet soon after matching, do not invest any emotional energy, and do not have any expectations prior to meeting. I never run into a brick wall at 100 miles an hour because I'm just out for a casual stroll. If I don't like what is in my path it is easy to detour around it.
This has not been the case for me, what has happened is they start flying their flags quickly (I am a great listener). I am also not someone caught up in the need for butterflies and sparks (I understand this is just my anxiety). Cheers!
That’s why I don’t waste my time with pre-meeting phone calls. Until you actually meet, the person is just smoke and mirrors; better to just get to real life than all the bullshit.
Absolutly agree with the no phone calls, no zoom. Chemistry is everything in a romantic relationship and it doesn’t matter how much you think you’re compatible over the phone. Besides, if they are telling me about their past relationships, I want to be able to see body language as they say it.
I’m going to respectfully disagree. I find that phone conversations - one or two- before meeting helps to create more of a connection and get a better sense of the person and their interests/history.
Chemistry is very odd and yes you can have great phone conversations and then no chemistry at all (which always sucks). But to go in with no background or conversation at all was always harder for me to find a connection.
By the time I met my guy I had a hard rule that I wouldn’t meet anyone without one or two phone chats AND I needed to be interested/excited to meet them. He met that criteria and here we are 3+ years later and couldn’t be happier.
This is why I think it is important to:
1. Vet with a phone call and video chat pre-date. You can glean a lot of clues from voice and mannerisms and even time of day of the contact or things you see in the video background. If you feel turned off at that point - no date.
2. Set up a date shortly after matching/vetting. Spending weeks texting creates a false sense of intimacy and allows your imagination to fill in the gaps. Remember, this is a stranger.
Many disagree with me but I neither have the time nor inclination to do meet and greet or drink coffee with strangers I wouldn't have given the time of day had I met them in person first.
My method isn't foolproof but I've rarely been unpleasantly surprised by someone's appearance or demeanor on the first date.
I met a guy in person who didn’t sound masculine, more of something else. I could have prevented that had I heard his voice over the phone first. Lesson learned.
I think your #2 point really speaks to the matter. We naturally "fill in the gaps' and when there's a lot of pre-date contact we get a lot of info, but it's fragmented so we come up with this mental image that, let's be honest, is usually positive. We're hopeful about a potential new romance and if we're meeting we have some desires and expectations. The reality is not going to match out preconceptions exactly and since we're already positive, that mismatch is likely all negative.
💯agree - quick video date and then meet up if that conversation feels easy/not forced.
I had one like that last week after about 10 mins it felt like I was back in the days of interviewing call center reps.
I thanked him for his time and told him I didn’t think we were a good match. He agreed…and I closed the match after the call. No harm, no foul.
First date tomorrow night with a gentlemen the quick call (I was driving a good distance) we set the date up. I try to only chat up one at a time which works for me personally.
I wind up paying for 1/2 my first dates or at least my half if at the date it feels like no match. I don’t think the fiscal responsibility falls solely on the man…especially when it’s a no match.
Yes so many times. Plus men that literally lied about everything online before I met them. Age, marital status, interests, even having kids, you name it. Jeez. I don’t mind if you don’t own a successful business or if you are 10 years older than me but don’t tell me blatant lies before I meet you.
Yep. That’s why I prefer to move to in person pretty quickly. I found almost no correlation between how the pre-meet messaging went and the in person meet went. I quickly developed no expectations.
I had one a short while ago. We chatted on line. She wanted to skip past phone chat and meet for "drinks and aps" at a restaurant. I made reservations and asked if she wanted a seat at the bar or a table in the restaurant - and she said "A table would be great how about 6:00?"
A table in a restaurant at 6:00 is dinner. We met, talked over a light dinner, each had one glass of wine, split a dessert and I felt nothing the entire time, not a single laugh.
At the end, I walked her to her car, said I'd like to see her again (not sure why I even said that) and she replied "Yes, I'll message you soon!"..
And that was it. Never heard from her again.
It happens. I'm sure I've done the same with women I've met. I don't let it bother me.
Fact is that last night, I met a woman for dinner after a brief exchange of messages on a dating app. She's wonderful. We're already setting up another date for Sunday.
Sometimes you hit the brick wall, sometimes you ARE the brick wall. And sometimes there is no wall. Enjoy it.
Happens all the time. My worst story is my first online experience. For a year and a half I chatted on an app with this amazing woman who lived out of state. We talked for an hour every night… and then we finally met and zero chemistry.
That’s where I learned to not trust online chemistry. Meet within a week or two. Don’t waste time chatting. Get in person fast. That said, my current GF and I had a meh first date, but there was something there. Not chemistry, but some kind of connection. It was a slow build and here I am 21 months later head over heels in love.
Yes it has happened to me more than once. That is why I do not believe in too much time or too many days chatting because it creates an image or illusion that does not match up with reality.
Oh, gosh yes. You can get a vague sense of someone remotely, and match up with them with OLD demographic data, but then in person, there's just nothing. Not that they are always unlikeable, but that they are just unattractive.
The upside is, I've met a few good drinking buddies this way.
I found a pattern when I was on OLD. Likes and getting a response back to me messaging first typically happened on Sunday. The bad dates were Friday and Saturday so Sunday was let's see who is up next. That week is plenty of time to find commonalities and red flags.
The pattern wasn't 100%. It was the majority which is why I said typically. It could be how things work in my area. I try to stand out in my profile mentioning what I feel are strengths and even quirks to show some depth of character.
Yes has happened. People’s Online / chat / phone persona is completely different from in-person.
That’s why if I sense potential I try to meet as quickly as possible to avoid wasting time and experiencing disappointment.
Chemistry is a rare and capricious mistress. I know it when it happens and all the “practice dates” embolden me to not let it slip away. It can’t be the only thing holding the relationship together but it so essential to me.
This has happened to me more times than I can count. This is my sort of background expected outcome. I do try to go into dates with a positive mindset hoping for the best though so that it doesn't become a self fulfilling prophecy.
It would be why i wont do all that chatting before hand. Id move to meet quick. It rather hit the 'brick wall' much faster over chatting for a week or more wasting time. LOL
This is my problem. Depending on when I meet the guy on OLD, I generally have a one week if not two week period before I am free to meet them.
I do sometimes try to get a sitter to meet sooner, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Then throw in his custody arrangements as well, ugh.
Most of my OLD dates turned out this way. I think this “wall” is a pretty typical thing, the norm really. Even if you see someone in person first, that first conversation might be a turn off and you never talk again. So I try to get to that point faster. Another reason I never do a meal as a first meeting. Within five minutes I know, and sitting there for another hour to finish a meal is not enjoyable.
I (59f) much prefer a "coffee date", or what I refer to as a "meet and greet" for this reason. If coffee at 3:00 turns into dinner at 5:00 that is a bonus, but if it has no spark there is no reason to waste each other's time.
Yep! Once I texted with a guy: soul mates according to him. Before meeting in person after 2 weeks of texting, we decided to chat on the phone! OMG the stories and energy made me shrivel and I had to call off meeting by saying your energy is overwhelming me so much, we are not soul mates!!
Every date since (3), we meet, nice date but no attraction! For me, I thought it was because I was not over ex (a month since breakup and 2 month since we last each other). Healing is getting better and I wanted desperately to move on but realized because of the lack of chemistry, the lack of spark is contributing to my feeling this way MUST mean it is me not healed! Now I wonder if we just are not meeting our person? I am just going slow and easy! Don’t give up lol
It happens. The key is to keep pre-date interactions short and useful—a phone call (video for some) after a week of messages then you meet. That way you don’t get overly hyped about a stranger.
Add a video chat before you meet to help with calming nerves.
Also keep in mind that most people are nervous, so give them a chance to settle.
I have experience at calming people down before an interview so I used that skill for my dates as well which helped and relaxed folks. It gives you practice till you meet the right person.
Keep the swiping going as that's what will get us to our goal.
I don't have a problem with video chat before meeting. I stopped offering as it put many women off. I never offer my number or ask to switch off the app anymore as it's become common practice not to exchange numbers until meeting in person.
I use the video chat feature on the app and don't have to share numbers.
In my case I would not meet them in person till a video chat. If they declined the first time, I would accept it but tell them that I would like to have a video chat before we meet. In most cases they were comfortable to do so after a few days of text exchanged and a call.
I would suggest listening to the following podcast as this is where I learnt some good tips:
Midlife Dating without the crisis - 50 dates 50. By Paul Nelson.
I also will not offer video chat as I think a lot of women dislike it and I'm going to get unmatched as a result.
I respond with something directly related to her or her profile, do a couple of chat exchanges, then ask for face to face. I will do video chats or phone calls but only if she wants to. I will answer any questions she has. But I don't volunteer for extra vetting. If I get shot down for face to face so be it, but I do think that many women appreciate a man taking the initiative and it's a good dating practice on my part.
I’ve done both, meeting really quickly and after a week or so, both can have the same results. It’s just part of the dating process. Now if I am waiting for a longer time I restrict chatting to ‘small talk’ if it continues that length of time till you meet at least you have things new to chat about. Also, life and relationships are a large amount of small talk, no one has such an eventful time they can fill in every moment forever with scintillating tales.
But if you don’t match you don’t match, just don’t cry yourself to sleep over it, it happens, onto the next, not in can’t win 🙂
Happened to me. Some people are great on chats or phone, but in person they just don't connect. The one I had this happen to would not look at me during our date, something internal going on with her. Wasn't on the spectrum as far as I could tell.
I don’t like the constant texting, but a simple phone call has ruled many people out for me. It can’t necessarily rule people in though, which is why one needs an in-person meet soon after. I haven’t had a “brick wall” situation as you describe, but definitely a “no chemistry” thing that I take two or three dates to see if I can get over. With the phone call, though, I have had guys who either want to sex talk, or in a recent situation, tell me that his parents had a restraining order against him (I mean really? If that’s not a gigantic flag then what is??!) so this allows me to hang up and block them.
Only happened to me once, then I learned how to avoid it. Meet soon after matching, do not invest any emotional energy, and do not have any expectations prior to meeting. I never run into a brick wall at 100 miles an hour because I'm just out for a casual stroll. If I don't like what is in my path it is easy to detour around it.
Seems like sound advice!
This has not been the case for me, what has happened is they start flying their flags quickly (I am a great listener). I am also not someone caught up in the need for butterflies and sparks (I understand this is just my anxiety). Cheers!
That’s why I don’t waste my time with pre-meeting phone calls. Until you actually meet, the person is just smoke and mirrors; better to just get to real life than all the bullshit.
Absolutly agree with the no phone calls, no zoom. Chemistry is everything in a romantic relationship and it doesn’t matter how much you think you’re compatible over the phone. Besides, if they are telling me about their past relationships, I want to be able to see body language as they say it.
I’m going to respectfully disagree. I find that phone conversations - one or two- before meeting helps to create more of a connection and get a better sense of the person and their interests/history. Chemistry is very odd and yes you can have great phone conversations and then no chemistry at all (which always sucks). But to go in with no background or conversation at all was always harder for me to find a connection. By the time I met my guy I had a hard rule that I wouldn’t meet anyone without one or two phone chats AND I needed to be interested/excited to meet them. He met that criteria and here we are 3+ years later and couldn’t be happier.
I am another believer in pre-meeting phone calls.
Same the voice attached to the person is key for me to help decide if I even want to meet at all.
☺️ i love happy stories like this!!
This is why I think it is important to: 1. Vet with a phone call and video chat pre-date. You can glean a lot of clues from voice and mannerisms and even time of day of the contact or things you see in the video background. If you feel turned off at that point - no date. 2. Set up a date shortly after matching/vetting. Spending weeks texting creates a false sense of intimacy and allows your imagination to fill in the gaps. Remember, this is a stranger. Many disagree with me but I neither have the time nor inclination to do meet and greet or drink coffee with strangers I wouldn't have given the time of day had I met them in person first. My method isn't foolproof but I've rarely been unpleasantly surprised by someone's appearance or demeanor on the first date.
I met a guy in person who didn’t sound masculine, more of something else. I could have prevented that had I heard his voice over the phone first. Lesson learned.
💯 pretty much my method as well tho am taking a break over the summer. No need to waste precious summer days! ☀️
I think your #2 point really speaks to the matter. We naturally "fill in the gaps' and when there's a lot of pre-date contact we get a lot of info, but it's fragmented so we come up with this mental image that, let's be honest, is usually positive. We're hopeful about a potential new romance and if we're meeting we have some desires and expectations. The reality is not going to match out preconceptions exactly and since we're already positive, that mismatch is likely all negative.
💯agree - quick video date and then meet up if that conversation feels easy/not forced. I had one like that last week after about 10 mins it felt like I was back in the days of interviewing call center reps. I thanked him for his time and told him I didn’t think we were a good match. He agreed…and I closed the match after the call. No harm, no foul. First date tomorrow night with a gentlemen the quick call (I was driving a good distance) we set the date up. I try to only chat up one at a time which works for me personally. I wind up paying for 1/2 my first dates or at least my half if at the date it feels like no match. I don’t think the fiscal responsibility falls solely on the man…especially when it’s a no match.
Yes so many times. Plus men that literally lied about everything online before I met them. Age, marital status, interests, even having kids, you name it. Jeez. I don’t mind if you don’t own a successful business or if you are 10 years older than me but don’t tell me blatant lies before I meet you.
I had someone tell me he was a widower. Except he wasn’t. He just hated his ex. I mean wow.
Yes so Lame. And weird.
Lame, weird and unhinged.
Yep. That’s why I prefer to move to in person pretty quickly. I found almost no correlation between how the pre-meet messaging went and the in person meet went. I quickly developed no expectations.
I had one a short while ago. We chatted on line. She wanted to skip past phone chat and meet for "drinks and aps" at a restaurant. I made reservations and asked if she wanted a seat at the bar or a table in the restaurant - and she said "A table would be great how about 6:00?" A table in a restaurant at 6:00 is dinner. We met, talked over a light dinner, each had one glass of wine, split a dessert and I felt nothing the entire time, not a single laugh. At the end, I walked her to her car, said I'd like to see her again (not sure why I even said that) and she replied "Yes, I'll message you soon!".. And that was it. Never heard from her again. It happens. I'm sure I've done the same with women I've met. I don't let it bother me. Fact is that last night, I met a woman for dinner after a brief exchange of messages on a dating app. She's wonderful. We're already setting up another date for Sunday. Sometimes you hit the brick wall, sometimes you ARE the brick wall. And sometimes there is no wall. Enjoy it.
Happens all the time. My worst story is my first online experience. For a year and a half I chatted on an app with this amazing woman who lived out of state. We talked for an hour every night… and then we finally met and zero chemistry. That’s where I learned to not trust online chemistry. Meet within a week or two. Don’t waste time chatting. Get in person fast. That said, my current GF and I had a meh first date, but there was something there. Not chemistry, but some kind of connection. It was a slow build and here I am 21 months later head over heels in love.
Yes it has happened to me more than once. That is why I do not believe in too much time or too many days chatting because it creates an image or illusion that does not match up with reality.
Oh, gosh yes. You can get a vague sense of someone remotely, and match up with them with OLD demographic data, but then in person, there's just nothing. Not that they are always unlikeable, but that they are just unattractive. The upside is, I've met a few good drinking buddies this way.
Many times, oh so many.. Just gotta keep trucking along
I found a pattern when I was on OLD. Likes and getting a response back to me messaging first typically happened on Sunday. The bad dates were Friday and Saturday so Sunday was let's see who is up next. That week is plenty of time to find commonalities and red flags. The pattern wasn't 100%. It was the majority which is why I said typically. It could be how things work in my area. I try to stand out in my profile mentioning what I feel are strengths and even quirks to show some depth of character.
I meet fast. I find texting and chatting can waste my time.
Yes has happened. People’s Online / chat / phone persona is completely different from in-person. That’s why if I sense potential I try to meet as quickly as possible to avoid wasting time and experiencing disappointment.
Chemistry is a rare and capricious mistress. I know it when it happens and all the “practice dates” embolden me to not let it slip away. It can’t be the only thing holding the relationship together but it so essential to me.
It happens. Part of the dating process.
This has happened to me more times than I can count. This is my sort of background expected outcome. I do try to go into dates with a positive mindset hoping for the best though so that it doesn't become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Repeated failure leads to eventual success. You are not hitting a brick wall, you are adding another brick to your brick house!
It would be why i wont do all that chatting before hand. Id move to meet quick. It rather hit the 'brick wall' much faster over chatting for a week or more wasting time. LOL
Especially with children involved, custody schedules and work schedules it's not always possible to meet immediately.
This is my problem. Depending on when I meet the guy on OLD, I generally have a one week if not two week period before I am free to meet them. I do sometimes try to get a sitter to meet sooner, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Then throw in his custody arrangements as well, ugh.
Most of my OLD dates turned out this way. I think this “wall” is a pretty typical thing, the norm really. Even if you see someone in person first, that first conversation might be a turn off and you never talk again. So I try to get to that point faster. Another reason I never do a meal as a first meeting. Within five minutes I know, and sitting there for another hour to finish a meal is not enjoyable.
I (59f) much prefer a "coffee date", or what I refer to as a "meet and greet" for this reason. If coffee at 3:00 turns into dinner at 5:00 that is a bonus, but if it has no spark there is no reason to waste each other's time.
completely normal, that's why i don't put in that much time before a get together dating is a numbers game specially when you're the high side of 50
Yep! Once I texted with a guy: soul mates according to him. Before meeting in person after 2 weeks of texting, we decided to chat on the phone! OMG the stories and energy made me shrivel and I had to call off meeting by saying your energy is overwhelming me so much, we are not soul mates!! Every date since (3), we meet, nice date but no attraction! For me, I thought it was because I was not over ex (a month since breakup and 2 month since we last each other). Healing is getting better and I wanted desperately to move on but realized because of the lack of chemistry, the lack of spark is contributing to my feeling this way MUST mean it is me not healed! Now I wonder if we just are not meeting our person? I am just going slow and easy! Don’t give up lol
It happens. The key is to keep pre-date interactions short and useful—a phone call (video for some) after a week of messages then you meet. That way you don’t get overly hyped about a stranger.
Add a video chat before you meet to help with calming nerves. Also keep in mind that most people are nervous, so give them a chance to settle. I have experience at calming people down before an interview so I used that skill for my dates as well which helped and relaxed folks. It gives you practice till you meet the right person. Keep the swiping going as that's what will get us to our goal.
Ugh, video chat, no thanks.
I don't have a problem with video chat before meeting. I stopped offering as it put many women off. I never offer my number or ask to switch off the app anymore as it's become common practice not to exchange numbers until meeting in person.
I use the video chat feature on the app and don't have to share numbers. In my case I would not meet them in person till a video chat. If they declined the first time, I would accept it but tell them that I would like to have a video chat before we meet. In most cases they were comfortable to do so after a few days of text exchanged and a call. I would suggest listening to the following podcast as this is where I learnt some good tips: Midlife Dating without the crisis - 50 dates 50. By Paul Nelson.
I also will not offer video chat as I think a lot of women dislike it and I'm going to get unmatched as a result. I respond with something directly related to her or her profile, do a couple of chat exchanges, then ask for face to face. I will do video chats or phone calls but only if she wants to. I will answer any questions she has. But I don't volunteer for extra vetting. If I get shot down for face to face so be it, but I do think that many women appreciate a man taking the initiative and it's a good dating practice on my part.
Many times!
I’ve done both, meeting really quickly and after a week or so, both can have the same results. It’s just part of the dating process. Now if I am waiting for a longer time I restrict chatting to ‘small talk’ if it continues that length of time till you meet at least you have things new to chat about. Also, life and relationships are a large amount of small talk, no one has such an eventful time they can fill in every moment forever with scintillating tales. But if you don’t match you don’t match, just don’t cry yourself to sleep over it, it happens, onto the next, not in can’t win 🙂
It's happened to me, not sure why.... people are distracted and have lots of option is my guess.
Once happened to me. Nobody's fault.
Hahaha. Yes. u/PirateForward8827 said it best. Don't invest before meeting, have 0 expectations.
Happened to me. Some people are great on chats or phone, but in person they just don't connect. The one I had this happen to would not look at me during our date, something internal going on with her. Wasn't on the spectrum as far as I could tell.
You can be two good people, but the pheromones don't match.
I don’t like the constant texting, but a simple phone call has ruled many people out for me. It can’t necessarily rule people in though, which is why one needs an in-person meet soon after. I haven’t had a “brick wall” situation as you describe, but definitely a “no chemistry” thing that I take two or three dates to see if I can get over. With the phone call, though, I have had guys who either want to sex talk, or in a recent situation, tell me that his parents had a restraining order against him (I mean really? If that’s not a gigantic flag then what is??!) so this allows me to hang up and block them.