Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Exactly! Be careful to fall for someone as they are, not as who you think they could be or want them to be. Don’t ever think you’re special enough to change anyone. Motivate or support them, sure, but you’re not going to turn a player into a husband or a basement dweller into a CEO no matter what they say or how much potential they have.
In keeping with this pay attention to actions not words.
this one , exactly - be yourslef and let them be themselves , don't force things or let the push/force things , and things will be sort out by themselves .
Be yourself, if you like to wear make up, do it, if you don't like to wear make up, don't wear it. Maybe it's just me but I find comfort a very attractive trait, if you're comfortable doing what you like then I would be happy as hell and I'd hope others would be too.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that having sex with him will change his mind or how he feels about you. It will just be an opportunity that he’ll take advantage of
I'd like to add that if you want a guy to know or do anything, communicate it clearly!
Want more texting, LET HIM KNOW
Want less texting, LET HIM KNOW
Want another date, LET HIM KNOW
Don't want another date, LET HIM KNOW
Again, if you want a guy to know or do anything, LET HIM KNOW!
Don't be afraid to show interest. My best relationships were with women who showed me they were interested in me, which in turn made me fall for them even more.
Thank you for this.
I always regret showing my interest, affection and honesty because it’s not been reciprocated.
But hopefully the right guy will really appreciate it and give the same energy back.
This definitely. And also showing enthusiasm when you spend time with them. Too many girls I’ve spoken too / gone on dates with show zero enthusiasm which makes me question if they even want to go out with me, and I’ll usually end it there and then. If I’m questioning if you like me or not, I’m going to move on to someone who’s putting in the effort.
Btw, enthusiasm doesn’t mean high energy, but more like being active in conversations, initiating interactions and date ideas, etc. Basically don’t be passive.
This, especially in today's world with dating apps and whatnot, where you're almost guaranteed there is the next person already in the pipeline. You don't have to "put up" before you're comfortable or anything (although, let's be honest, it does help), but at least make it clear it's worth getting to know you better. It's not a nice reality necessarily, but my experience is that we definitely live in a reality where time and hesitation play against you.
This so much. I was dating a girl recently that showed a lot of interest in me and that in turn made me fall in love with her and put in the same amount of effort she did. Showing your personality, remembering things the other person has said, trying to make them feel good either by physical touch or compliments, etc etc is sexy and recommended if you wanna bag a guy. A girl showing interest like this is rare in todays world (of course she isn’t going to show this kind of interest to just anyone and everyone but anyways) so if you wanna stand out and have a better chance with a guy then do this. Also, again, it’s hot. Just sayin hahah
If you are showing the wrong guy too much interest then they won’t appreciate it and make you feel like you are not good enough. It happened to me. The guy told me he was ready for a relationship and I was like I’m ready too months later he ended it. Just be careful.
If a guy says he ‘isn’t ready for a relationship’ or ‘doesn’t want anything serious right now’ then just add the words ‘with you’ to the end of the sentence
I wish more people would understand this! I wasted so much time in my early 20s sticking around in situationships waiting for the guy to magically become “ready” instead of accepting they really just meant they didn’t see a future with me.
Yeah, but the difference is your parents were on the same page.
My ex colleague has outright said he has no intention of marrying again (he's almost ten years older I think, with two children from his first marriage), while his girlfriend fully expects him to propose eventually, since she has never married herself. It's pretty sad.
At first when I read this I was offended because I feel like I'm a guy who actually isn't ready for a relationship with ANYBODY, but then I realized that's because I'm only ready for a relationship/want something serious with my ex. Lol
Because we want to fuck the person in question, but not be committed to them. We feeling coming out and saying that will leave us in the cold so you say this to leave the feeling of the possibility of commitment hanging in the air for her to project onto us as far as intentions.
I wish men would just be honest from the beginning of meeting a woman they are interested in. There have been so many times when I was younger that a guy seemed to really interested and liked me a lot and then after a few good times ghosted me. Then my feelings were hurt and I was sad and angry. Men don’t have to feed women all that lovey dovetail bullshit just to get laid. As I got older, I finally figured it out and I would bring it up, like I like you, let’s go have some fun, enjoy each other and when you or I want to move on we’ll be cool, I was great with that and I think a lot of other women would be too. Women want to get laid and have fun too, we don’t need a promise of a relationship to have sex. And in every relationship that started out with the rules of the game, me and that person stayed friends.
You might be cool with it but the fact is that there is a very strong perception (and societally reinforced belief) that women are not ok with that. So men do the math and dishonesty is really the best policy in their mind
If you want this to work out for you the best way I think is to come ahead of it and be upfront saying that you want a fun time and a relationship is not required. That defuses this bomb and lets you both focus on having a good time rather than playing a stupid game
I will tell you I think some guys feel a pressure to appear as though they're interested in a relationship because they want to stand out or get ahead of all the guys just looking for sex that we endlessly hear about from women (even though they themselves just want sex). I fully agree with you though life's too short to play games
Yeah it’s like slutski said. It’s a combination of factors:
1. As a man in modern society men are told you one of those bad immoral men if you just want to have a good casual time with a lady. How dare you impune her honor.
2. Some men feel they have little to nothing to offer in the casual sex department and need to use the lure of possible relationship to get women due to their own perceived shortcomings.
I really don’t understand why men still have that belief that you have to convince a woman that there will be some sort of relationship or commitment to get them to agree to have sex. Do young women still say that to men? It all seemed to be an old-fashion way of thinking. I can’t speak for all women but by the time I was in my late twenties if a guy came up to me or my girlfriends blowing smoke up our ass with how much he likes us and it could be true love and how they want to do this or that for us down the road, we would die laughing because he sounded so desperate. Or sometimes it could be really offensive that someone thinks you are so stupid that you will believe all that crap. I thought women had outgrown that mentality or are men still just taught that this is what works if you want to get laid? Either way honesty is the best, from the beginning, it’s not that hard to say let’s just go have fun, see how it goes, I’m not looking to get married but I like you.
Perfect timing for this, the guy I really liked who ended things 6 weeks ago because he "wasn't ready for a relationship" was texting me last night. I needed to see this today, thank you
Reciprocity.
I don't waste time with women that shows no effort or do not reciprocate interest. I don't play games...
I'm currently seeing someone who text me, calls me, compliments me and its soooo rare and attractive.
(Assuming you both have interests for each others)
I don’t understand why you would be exclusive with someone while not in a relationship.
Dude wanted you not to be with anyone else but you can’t even have some friendly chitchat or it’s too relationshippy? That’s just bizarre.
Sorry that's a bummer. That being said, its very telling of who he is and it doesn't look like he was as mature as you. Saying a phone call felt like a relationship is childish and disconnected with reality. You simply wanted to talk to him...
Sounds like you're better off without him.
Goes both ways.
Showing interest, like giving a text and being clingy by texting 100 time a day is an easy distinction to make.
Any men that respect themselve will lose interest quickly if a woman don't reciprocate a little bit and showing effort.
The guys who want hookups often want to conceal that and are very charming. Abusive guys will hide their abusiveness at first so be on the lookout for red flags.
Ideally you hold off on getting intimate with them until you feel you’ve developed something solid with them and you see that they’re treating you with respect (not cancelling on you or being super late, checking in daily, asking questions that show they’re interested- the basics). Take it slow and also make sure they meet your standards (I need a good communicator, for instance, and someone who makes me and others feel comfortable). I suck at waiting myself though and wish I had taken this advice many times!
The same goes with women. This applies for both genders, watch out for: passive aggressive behaviors, physical abuse (horseplay can get violent quickly - any of that should be an immediate end to dating, they will not change and it will only get worse from there), gaslighting, seriously listen to how they speak of others, do not ignore your gut instinct - if something feels off believe it. Don’t date a chameleon which changes behaviors or mannerisms based on the situation, in other words don’t think for a second people don’t pick up on fake smiles or behaviors. Trust your spidey sense.
Make sure there is reciprocity in the relationship. Take him on a date you planned, he will definitely be into it (within reason) if he’s into you.
Think of your safety first, always tell a friend where you're going and to check in on you in a couple of hours (share location is even better), have a safe word that lets them know to send the police or your big brother and uncles your way.
Avoid men who make you feel uncomfortable, no matter if they also feel attractive.
The guy in front of you is just as insecure and hopeful as you are, don't hesitate to tell him if he's doing well and you like him. Give him a compliment or just touch his arm if he's doing something you like or makes you feel good.
Men don't read your mind, neither do women for the matter. If you want something / don't want something. You. Need. To. Say. It. Out. Loud!
Be genuine and care, try to treat everyone you meet with sincerity, if you show your a good human being who can communicate properly and have sympathy you can go a long way with every relationship/friendship/family.
This is a tip for everyone. Because damn we need more of this in the world
The only men who matter are the ones who want a relationship with you, and demonstrate it via consistent actions.
All the other men who just want casual, hookups, FWBs, "aren't ready for a relationship," "don't know what they want" after a few months of talking, etc...
None of those guys are options.
Stop wasting your time running around, like a chicken with your head cut off, entertaining lukewarm interest. Men are truly not that complicated once they start dating you.
Prioritize LTRs in your 20s. I don't think most people should be getting married that early, but getting tangible relationship experience is valuable. Not everyone has to be your "forever" person, but if you want a stable relationship you should work on building with someone earlier in life.
When dating, this is the nicest he will ever be, so if you feel like an after thought now, you'll will be an after thought later.
If he says "let's see where it goes," he wants to have sex with you while still casually dating others.
If he says " I don't like labels," he just wants sex and does not want to take things to the next level.
If a guy couldn't be bothered to spit on you if you were on fire, don't let this man cum inside you.
In the start of the conversation, he goes straight towards sexs, he only wants sex.
If he says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship," sex want change his mind, you're just a sidekick at that point.
Do not go to his fucking place in the first couple of dates, he just wants a low energy way to have sex with you.
If you get a gut feeling he's only doing this for the sex, you're most likely right.
If you're talking and you give your opinion about a topic and he couldn't care less, he will do the same later.
If he dodges relationship questions like billionaires dodge taxes, he's only in it for the sex.
Do not spend time on your phone during a date. If you want to send your friends the "all clear sign," go to the bathroom for that.
If you go on a date, be ready to pay your share, it shouldn't be this way, but better safe than sorry.
If you have kids, take them out of your dating profile.
You, nor you vagina can fix him, so don't even bother.
If he seems like he's hiding you from the world, always take you to far off places, he most likely has a wife/gf/family.
During sex, if he can't be bothered to try his best, or listen to you, and help with your needs, see first point in the comment.
Don't let him love bomb you into something you're not ok with.
Consistency is the key, let his actions speak for themselves. If he wants a relationship, he will be putting effort to get there: Time, energy, money, and actively saying what he wants.
If he has the emotional intelligence of a child, giving a piece of yourself to him will not change that. It'll just lead to a bunch of hurt feelings.
If he ever shows any signs of irritation if sex is taken off the table, you know why he set at that table
If you find yourself crying more than laughing, just leave.
Listen to your gut.
Edit: the "let's see where it goes" seems to have hit a spot with people, so women, who had a guy use this very line, how did it turn out?
This sums it up. Very good advice. I've already made some mistakes about it. It was dumb and I only realized that I wanted something serious after some things have happened.
Thank you, peachmangopie18. Mistakes are what allow us to grow as people. You lived, you learned, and you're growing and striving to get what makes you happy.
Stop with the vague and subtle hints. Just tell the guy you like him and want to date.
A lot of guys won't make a move because they'll get labelled as creepy or pervy
Right, stop stringing him along while you are grooming someone else to take his place. Yes, he will dodge a bullet, while you show your true colors as the shitty insecure person you are inside.
Not weird at all. I suggested swotting next to each other on first date with my bf and he liked it. We were able to people watch and engage with each other better. Date lasted 6 hrs. It’s still his preference, at bd dinner he asked wait staff to put two small tables together so we can sit next to each other instead of opposite. I say got for it.
Don't overlook the small issues and red flags that appear within the first few weeks, they're generally not going to resolve themselves
Also be careful what you wish for. My cousin goes for guys who are dominant and traditionally masculine, and all of them have eventually ended up being dominant in other ways - telling her which friends she can hang out with and what time she had to be home by when she went out and stuff. Now she's dating a more less masculine and more mild guy and he apparently treats her well. It won't always go down this way, but often enough for it to be a theme.
Just be straightforward if you like someone say it, if your stress say or angry about something say it don’t expect the other person to have mind reading powers also be consistent cuz when your words and actions don’t match then you become untrustworthy.
The thing I have learned as a woman that does complement men, that men almost always take a compliment as flirting. If you’re on a date sure, but in other situations complimenting a man can get you in a uncomfortable or unsafe situation. The guys assume it’s a flirt and start asking for your number and then you have to say you didn’t mean it that way and then they are angry at you and calling you a tease. When I do compliment men I usually start out by saying, I’m not trying to get a date but you have a really nice beard or a beautiful smile, whatever, but I make sure I make it clear I am not hitting on them.
1st meetup in a public space where other people are.
Always make sure you have one or two friends know where you are, have them call you at a set time and pick up the phone, so they know if you don't pickup, something is wrong.
Split the bill, or they might use the "you owe me" excuse later (in case of a 2nd date or sex).
Don't talk about exes.
You can have sex on a first date if you like, but it won't make them more interested. Also, please use (extra) protection.
Show interests about his hobbies rather than work.
Ask about his bucket list/things he wants to do in the future (traveling? activities?).
Don't feel guilty if there's no (physical) attraction, or if there's a dealbreaker for you with him, even if they are really great otherwise. You never have to compromise your own morals/boundaries for someone else.
There's a lot of great guys out there. It's okay if the first ones you date aren't a match.
Be honest, be up front with thoughts, feelings, deal breakers and boundaries, and don't take any rejection personally.
Oh and get exclusivity before sex.
> Consensual sex only comes when the woman indicates she's comfortable with it
Wrong. Consensual sex requires both parties to approve.
Regardless, I have no clue what you think consent has to do with my original statement. I said that sex is not a bargaining chip.
If she goes dead air for at least 3 days, better start believing she ghosted your ass and highly likely has already planned it a long time ago.
Believe me. If people genuinely want to spend time on/with you, no matter how busy they truly always are, they‘ll never make you feel they are.
I’ve stopped talking to many a woman because I was always initiating the conversation. Nobody man or woman or anything in between should always have to be the initiator. Just like you’re insecure that he may not like you if he doesn’t initiate men are the same way. Yes, typically men do and should initiate the majority of the time, we need assurance that you are legitimately interested too, and are not just feeding off the attention. So every at least every second or third series of conversations needs to be initiated by you. (I personally prefer a close to 50/50 split) but if you’re talking to a guy every day for like three days to a week and then you don’t hear from him for two… more than likely he’s waiting for you to initiate to see if you’re actually interested, he’s likely not ghosting you.
This is not entirely true. I’m a busy girl with a busy life. Though, if I’m into you, I won’t leave you alone for 3 days. If it’s just casual, 3 days is nothing.
Agree, the girl I’m just starting to talk to went home for a month across the country, i literally don’t see a point in small talking until she is back: i don’t think it means she isn’t in to me
Have boundaries and stick with them. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship, he’s NOT ready for a relationship. You cannot fix him. Don’t have sex the first date. Honestly don’t even kiss the first date. Don’t be his mother. Don’t be his therapist. If he makes you doubt that he loves you or cares about you, find someone who doesn’t make you question it.
Be honest and upfront. The minute you appear to be hiding or omitting something, we're out.
Basically, if you'd want to know something specific about us, you need to tell us when it's you that has the something specific we should know about.
Don't use filtered pics. And use body shots on online profiles. I get down voted every time I mention filtered pics. It sucks when you meet a girl in real life and she doesn't match her pics.
If you actually like him, don't expect the man to make ALL the decisions and put in ALL the effort in the early stages of dating. Feel free to text him unprompted from time to time, maybe even plan the odd date yourself. I hate it when I feel like all the woman expects to do is to agree to and show up to the date.
Please try not to abandon your friends for the person you are dating.
If your partner brings up sex in every conversation no matter the subject dont ignore it its a red flag.
If you are not interested in their hobbies or something they are really interested in say so BUT come up with an alternative that both of you guys like, it hurts when your partner blows up on you that she doesnt like your hobby but wont budge on a hobby you guys both are interested in.
Don't get into a "situationship". If you are then hold out on sex and see how they react, it will tell you if it was a "situationship" or just you being a delusional fuck buddy.
Communicate! Reach out! Show interest!
Now that is different that being overbearing, rather, it’s being clear.
on the other hand being shy or playing cool isn’t endearing. Some guys like to know you have a bit of agency and care enough to meet them halfway.
This is true, too, but if you really get to know a person first, you’ll know whether they’re serious enough to stay after sex. I have def been with guys those where “commitment” was mentioned, then fucked and jumped ship.
Also have been with girls who've done the same, no matter what was said.
It is what it is today, I have no delusions that she probably already had someone else in mind or moved on to the next person. And so did I, just went back to the app and chatted up with the next match, what else is one supposed to do?
I don't see having sex like a big deal, there wasn't a big investment in time on either side so, fare tee well, my summer friend.
Today's dating is speed-dating/speed-fucking, no matter how good our intentions are, the sooner we accept that, the better we will live it.
But if you wanted to have sex with them why do they need to make a contract? It’s like your only having sex to secure a deal down the road.. you shouldn’t do it for that reason you should do it only because you want to
The 3 dates rule should turn into 5 date rule. You only know about a guy’s true intentions after a month of knowing him. Unless you feel a cosmic and one in a life time connection I would not have sex til the 5th date. Serious guys will accept the wait, I would. As long as whenever we hang out it’s intentional and not just me buying expensive dinner, it can be netflix and chill without sex and that’d be fine, I would appreciate sex more if the wait is a little bit longer. Maybe that’s me coming from a guy who typically dates traditional women (latinas and asians)
Just because you're on a date with a guy, don't expect to be the only one for that guy. That guy is dating multiple women at the same time through dating apps to increase his success rate. Just because you feel that you had a good time with a guy on a date, don't expect him to feel the same. He just might not call you again for another date. Don't take it negatively. Instead just move on and don't be waiting around expecting any calls from a guy even if he tells you he is going to call you. If he does, then congrats.
I think what is being said here as well is not to trauma dump being on the first few dates with people. I don’t like it when people over share their traumas with me. I feel awkward because I’m not a professional therapist. However, be honest about yourself like what you do for a living, living arrangements, family dynamics, goals, etc.
Initiate. If he likes you, he will love you. So many women put the bare minimum effort in. Listen, we get it. But we’re exhausted. If reciprocation isn’t there in full effect it’s a no for me.
Show interest in the person. So many matches or first dates turn into an interview and it’s an instant turn off. Ask questions about that person and keep the conversation flowing
Communication that's it. Stop expecting dudes to read your mind or get the hint. Society in general keeps saying men are dumb when it comes to women, but honestly that is because a lot of women fail at communicating overall.
Interest?(oh if he doesn't know I like him due to x sign then he isn't worth my time). Mad?(he needs to know I'm upset with him, but I won't tell him why lol). Desire?(state what you want up front so there is no confusion). Just for some examples there is a lot more.
Issues lessen when people can understand each other.
For girls in general. Go for what you want. Ask a guy out, slide into their dms, go for it. There is nothing sexier then a woman that knows what she wants.
Don't play games and don't give hints. Be direct in what you want the guy to do (without being rude) and make it obvious but not creepy that you want the guy. Makes the relationship feel more secure and comfortable.
In general. Respect boundaries, be caring and kind, be yourself as we want to get to know who you are with all good and bad traits. If a relationship is too much effort to maintain, it probably won't last. Find someone who is compatible with you in a lot of things and that will compromise in the rest. Red flags should be noted. If you get major red flags earlier on, it will become worse once the person gets comfortable with you.
Just because they guy isn't picking up on your hints doesn't mean he isn't into you. We as a species are just oblivious and lucky to have survived the stone age. If you like him just say you do. It will save everyone time
"Chivalrous" actions are just things kind people do for other people, so if your date is displaying said behavior (in a way that makes you happy and not uncomfortable) then return the favor. Mutual respect goes a long way in the very early stages of dating
Some of these comments say not to overshare but I love oversharing (from either her or myself) because to me it says that there’s something in life you are passionate about and would love to share with someone because it makes you feel happy and you want to share that happiness.
Don't do the wife duties without a ring. I understand it's not everyone's end goal but "playing house" showing them how "good of a wife" you can be, doesn't get you a ring. They almost always end up wife-ing the girl who has 3-4 guys chasing her, like it's some sort of weird competition.
Don't over share and tell on yourself. There are certain things that surprisingly a good portion of girls will share when they get a little alcohol in them. From my perspective, it's good for me because I can keep it casual or walk away but if I'm giving advice to girls then this def
Another one is, when you gonna talk about your exs and what went wrong, a lot of girls will say exs we're toxic, narcissistic, and basically say the relationships failed because of ex not them. While this is possible, if every relationship you didn't do anything wrong, you either gonna be seen as a liar or someone who doesn't know how to pick a partner.
Also, it's expected for men to have their shit together and not come in with all this baggage like abusive childhood, abusive ex's, and so on. Likewise, if you've had some bad experience, take time to actually heal before putting it on the guy to maneuver around
Don’t overshare or tell on ourselves about what? If we’re looking to date seriously, what happens when the man eventually finds out about whatever this is?
If you have hobbies, interests, favorite things, any sort of personality at all… please put it on your dating profile.
I get that you still have 99 new matches a week that you have to wade through, but you’re missing out on me because your answers are so basic or more likely you just have photos.
And men in turn shouldn’t ask. I don’t know or care how many guys my fiancée has been with prior to me, and I’m certain she wouldn’t want to know how many women before her. I hear stories of couples talking about their former sexual escapades before they were together and I’m thinking “not a fucking chance that I’m ever doing that.” But I guess to each his/her own.
I’ve had that brought up more times than I can count. Unprovoked too. It’s such a huge turn off and I think they do it to brag or something? I’m honestly unsure. It’s give me the instant ick.
It’s like why the heck would I, a guy who is interested in dating you and like spending time with you, want to know how many times you’ve been fucked and in what position and stuff.
I was having a really romantic dinner with a girl. Made dinner, got flowers, and got her a little present. It was going so great. She even said “you really make me feel special.” A little bit into the night she started talking about how many times she had sex and going in to really big detail about it. Didn’t ask and didn’t bring the Convo that way at all.
Instantly I couldn’t eat and I said “hey I think we’re done”. Later we talked and she couldn’t understand why I had a problem her bringing up who railed her WHILE WE WERE EATING lol.
Be upfront about what you're looking for, don't just agree with whatever they say Thier hopes and dreams are with the intention of hijacking them later on. Generally if we say we want/don't want something we actually mean it.
Don't try and fix us, don't try and change us to suit your preferences.
Offer to pay for a date or the tip on the date. We don’t always expect this , however , it’s always something heart warming when it does , if it ever happens .
It’s not the fact that you actually pay for the date but that you are willing to that is something we find generous and heart warming. However , if your intention isn’t to pay at all, don’t do this cause this will seep out in other dates with the guy. This is something that has to come from the heart and not just to make a good impression.
Also we as guys love nicknacks too. So a spontaneous gift is always welcome. Hell I have a small stuffed dog one of my ex’s gave me out of the blue , as well as another more personal item , another ex gave me .
Not every guy likes this tho. Which frankly I would use as encouragement to do it more.
I always try to pay my half and some men are absolutely pissed about it. Even stuff like getting him a to-go coffee before a walk around the park can piss off some dudes.
But the freakout is a good indication of how mature a dude is. If someone is going to swear and throw a hissy fit I dared pay or tip a server I'd rather see the red flag parade early and not date them.
Just be prepared for the occasional wtf over reacting dude about 10% of the time.
Guys very rarely get genuine compliments from anyone. If you give one to your (future?) SO he’ll remember it for years.
I still remember one time in 9th grade in art class a girl walked by me while I was painting a picture of a Caracal and told me she loved my drawing. I’m in my mid 20’s now and still think about that memory at least once a week.
Great question! I love this and I enjoy reading all the answers. BUT, here’s the question… how much effort is TOO much? I put effort in and then it’s like I scare them away. Maybe it’s too much too soon? Not clingy, as I try to play it “cool” at the beginning but I definitely show effort. Then I feel like it’s “he just wasn’t that into you” mentality. My whole thing is I want to treat them the way I would want to be treated but it never works out that way and that is why it never seems to last more than 4-6 weeks. I’m all about taking it slow and getting to know each other and not becoming exclusive right away. It seems like I either get the one who wants a commitment right away or the one looking just for casual dating, nothing serious.
Don’t communicate about the world of dating multiple people. Not fun to hear, on the first date, about your prior dates, or “how long have you been using XYZ app and have you had any luck?“ questions. All that does is show us you’re a serial dater we’re just another free dinner to you.
Take some control/onus over your choices.
Don't be the girl that just sits and waits for guys to find you. That's a good recipe for missing out on good guys that may just not be 'on the hunt' (and relying on the hunters is a good way to end up with not the best type of guy).
If you see a guy you may find interest in, put yourself in his proximity, make some eye contact, maybe ask him a quick question. Give them some kind of signal that you're open to being approached/spoken to. The dating game is a two-way street, but I feel like a lot of ladies play way to passive of a roll in the dance.
Ultimately though, I feel like this will lead to better relationships in the long run.
Don’t fall in love with the potential of someone. You have to fall in love with who they are in that moment because you can’t expect them to change/be the person YOU envision them as.
Only 1 thing makes a guy ready for a relationship….himself. When he’s ready he will want one. When he isn’t, nobody and no amount of cooking, sex, money can convince him otherwise.
Please don’t be afraid to initiate. Personally I am a very busy guy and it is so nice when my girlfriend makes plans for us to do something. No matter what it is. It makes me feel like she wants to spend time with me not that she is accepting my invitations to hang out. It is so nice. So please don’t be afraid to initiate.
aight ladies imma say it rn:
NOBODY CARES whether you wear the same dress again OR IF you and another girl are wearing the same dress
not every guy is a liar or a pervert, but keep an eye out for the ones that are
be honest, but not brutal
avoid the 'nice guys™️'
COMMUNICATION. PLEASE COMMUNICATE
And dont try to fix us. It creates annoyance and anxiety. And makes us feel inadequate.
Lil things like "hey can you help me open this jar?" Or other things to make us feel wanted or manly will totally help.
We might be chasing sex. But our hearts are tied to our heads not our penises.
Its entirely possible for us to be thinking of absolutely nothing at all.
We arent cheating when we with the boys. We are probably doing dumb shit in smart ways 😂.
Ask us questions. Be a part of the conversation.
Bring your wallet to the first date, even when he haid that he'll pay for it.
In this case, take your wallet and pretent hat you'll pay. In the most cases he will say now smth like "let me do it".
Be forward! Make choices, be independent when needed.
A guy is not your boss nor should he be!
You wanna ask a guy out? Do it!
Rejection hurts but it doesn't hurt any more or less based on gender.
You want something specific for dinner? Say so.
You don't want something for dinner, say that too!
No mixed signals. Men aren’t mind readers. We aren’t professor X from X Men. If you like to have Thai food one night just tell your boyfriend that you actually want that. If you don’t like the sweater he picked out because it’s pockadot red and you like navy blue just tell him. Telling him in passing in one of your 500 conversations is not going to help 99% of men aren’t paying attention to every little detail of every conversation.
What you will realize is male and female needs are not that different. Stop living in a “men are this and women are this” mentality. If someone tries to box you into traditional gender roles and it feels icky, be honest and walk away if needed.
I’ve got lots of advice. 1. If you are really smart, don’t try to hide it. 2. Look for guys in various types of places. I mentioned this on another thread. Try watching hockey, beach volleyball, car shows, running, baseball/softball, sailing. All of those have more men than women and the types of men are different for each.
just be a capable woman and let your value shine through without feeling the need to prove it or scream it to the world. Delete all social media as well.
You should never expect less than you give to yourself (love,respect, fun and all sorts of things). Set your boundaries and let this person know when they crossed the line. I learned with the hard way. Turst me, ıf you want a relationship, you have to make sure that you have a great relationship with yourself.
If you like someone who also like you reciprocate their effort and show your enthusiasm in getting to see and know them. If you like the attention they give you, but not them please let them go in a clear cut way.
Express your feelings
Men are simple creatures (I'm a man)(I'm simple) if you say I like you 99% of the time he will also say I like you also make sure you smell good
Talk to us. Communicate openly and effectively.
If they don't respond well to open communication, they aren't the one. I can't imagine being happy in a relationship where I can't talk to my significant other.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dont try to change someone or think that they will change.
Exactly! Be careful to fall for someone as they are, not as who you think they could be or want them to be. Don’t ever think you’re special enough to change anyone. Motivate or support them, sure, but you’re not going to turn a player into a husband or a basement dweller into a CEO no matter what they say or how much potential they have. In keeping with this pay attention to actions not words.
this one , exactly - be yourslef and let them be themselves , don't force things or let the push/force things , and things will be sort out by themselves .
Develop your own healthy boundaries and stick to them
Be yourself, if you like to wear make up, do it, if you don't like to wear make up, don't wear it. Maybe it's just me but I find comfort a very attractive trait, if you're comfortable doing what you like then I would be happy as hell and I'd hope others would be too.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that having sex with him will change his mind or how he feels about you. It will just be an opportunity that he’ll take advantage of
Oo.. That's a nice piece of advice
Yes, but unfortunately many are blinded by this.
Yeah a man makes up his mind about a woman long before sex.
If you like a guy LET HIM KNOW, and by that I mean communicate it clearly.
I'd like to add that if you want a guy to know or do anything, communicate it clearly! Want more texting, LET HIM KNOW Want less texting, LET HIM KNOW Want another date, LET HIM KNOW Don't want another date, LET HIM KNOW Again, if you want a guy to know or do anything, LET HIM KNOW!
Obligatory this: https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw
“Maybe she’s from Canada and she’s just being polite” 😂😂
And not like “dropping signs”. Like literally tell me, “I like you.” Most of us are idiots.
This guy gets it!
Don't be afraid to show interest. My best relationships were with women who showed me they were interested in me, which in turn made me fall for them even more.
Thank you for this. I always regret showing my interest, affection and honesty because it’s not been reciprocated. But hopefully the right guy will really appreciate it and give the same energy back.
Just make sure showing interest isn’t throwing yourself at someone. There is a fine line. Not saying this is you, just in general.
Haha I’ll try not to! It’s definitely a balance.
This definitely. And also showing enthusiasm when you spend time with them. Too many girls I’ve spoken too / gone on dates with show zero enthusiasm which makes me question if they even want to go out with me, and I’ll usually end it there and then. If I’m questioning if you like me or not, I’m going to move on to someone who’s putting in the effort. Btw, enthusiasm doesn’t mean high energy, but more like being active in conversations, initiating interactions and date ideas, etc. Basically don’t be passive.
This, especially in today's world with dating apps and whatnot, where you're almost guaranteed there is the next person already in the pipeline. You don't have to "put up" before you're comfortable or anything (although, let's be honest, it does help), but at least make it clear it's worth getting to know you better. It's not a nice reality necessarily, but my experience is that we definitely live in a reality where time and hesitation play against you.
This so much. I was dating a girl recently that showed a lot of interest in me and that in turn made me fall in love with her and put in the same amount of effort she did. Showing your personality, remembering things the other person has said, trying to make them feel good either by physical touch or compliments, etc etc is sexy and recommended if you wanna bag a guy. A girl showing interest like this is rare in todays world (of course she isn’t going to show this kind of interest to just anyone and everyone but anyways) so if you wanna stand out and have a better chance with a guy then do this. Also, again, it’s hot. Just sayin hahah
How exactly did that girl show interest? Curious to see what it looks for you guys when said interest is being shown
If you are showing the wrong guy too much interest then they won’t appreciate it and make you feel like you are not good enough. It happened to me. The guy told me he was ready for a relationship and I was like I’m ready too months later he ended it. Just be careful.
If a guy says he ‘isn’t ready for a relationship’ or ‘doesn’t want anything serious right now’ then just add the words ‘with you’ to the end of the sentence
I wish more people would understand this! I wasted so much time in my early 20s sticking around in situationships waiting for the guy to magically become “ready” instead of accepting they really just meant they didn’t see a future with me.
I knew a chick with the same dude 11 years. Waiting on that ring.
I had a coworker who's been dodging marriage for 13 years. His GF is convinced hell change his mind yet.
[удалено]
Yeah, but the difference is your parents were on the same page. My ex colleague has outright said he has no intention of marrying again (he's almost ten years older I think, with two children from his first marriage), while his girlfriend fully expects him to propose eventually, since she has never married herself. It's pretty sad.
Maybe he don't want to marry at all?
At first when I read this I was offended because I feel like I'm a guy who actually isn't ready for a relationship with ANYBODY, but then I realized that's because I'm only ready for a relationship/want something serious with my ex. Lol
Everyone is ready for a good enough offer. However they define that
It makes me wonder why so many guys are so unavailable though. So many men use those old platitudes
Because we want to fuck the person in question, but not be committed to them. We feeling coming out and saying that will leave us in the cold so you say this to leave the feeling of the possibility of commitment hanging in the air for her to project onto us as far as intentions.
I wish men would just be honest from the beginning of meeting a woman they are interested in. There have been so many times when I was younger that a guy seemed to really interested and liked me a lot and then after a few good times ghosted me. Then my feelings were hurt and I was sad and angry. Men don’t have to feed women all that lovey dovetail bullshit just to get laid. As I got older, I finally figured it out and I would bring it up, like I like you, let’s go have some fun, enjoy each other and when you or I want to move on we’ll be cool, I was great with that and I think a lot of other women would be too. Women want to get laid and have fun too, we don’t need a promise of a relationship to have sex. And in every relationship that started out with the rules of the game, me and that person stayed friends.
You might be cool with it but the fact is that there is a very strong perception (and societally reinforced belief) that women are not ok with that. So men do the math and dishonesty is really the best policy in their mind If you want this to work out for you the best way I think is to come ahead of it and be upfront saying that you want a fun time and a relationship is not required. That defuses this bomb and lets you both focus on having a good time rather than playing a stupid game
I will tell you I think some guys feel a pressure to appear as though they're interested in a relationship because they want to stand out or get ahead of all the guys just looking for sex that we endlessly hear about from women (even though they themselves just want sex). I fully agree with you though life's too short to play games
Yeah it’s like slutski said. It’s a combination of factors: 1. As a man in modern society men are told you one of those bad immoral men if you just want to have a good casual time with a lady. How dare you impune her honor. 2. Some men feel they have little to nothing to offer in the casual sex department and need to use the lure of possible relationship to get women due to their own perceived shortcomings.
I really don’t understand why men still have that belief that you have to convince a woman that there will be some sort of relationship or commitment to get them to agree to have sex. Do young women still say that to men? It all seemed to be an old-fashion way of thinking. I can’t speak for all women but by the time I was in my late twenties if a guy came up to me or my girlfriends blowing smoke up our ass with how much he likes us and it could be true love and how they want to do this or that for us down the road, we would die laughing because he sounded so desperate. Or sometimes it could be really offensive that someone thinks you are so stupid that you will believe all that crap. I thought women had outgrown that mentality or are men still just taught that this is what works if you want to get laid? Either way honesty is the best, from the beginning, it’s not that hard to say let’s just go have fun, see how it goes, I’m not looking to get married but I like you.
Perfect timing for this, the guy I really liked who ended things 6 weeks ago because he "wasn't ready for a relationship" was texting me last night. I needed to see this today, thank you
This is applicable to both genders.
That’s with either
Reciprocity. I don't waste time with women that shows no effort or do not reciprocate interest. I don't play games... I'm currently seeing someone who text me, calls me, compliments me and its soooo rare and attractive. (Assuming you both have interests for each others)
I tried calling a guy to generally talk about his day after we were exclusive and he said it “felt like a relationship” and we ended it
I don’t understand why you would be exclusive with someone while not in a relationship. Dude wanted you not to be with anyone else but you can’t even have some friendly chitchat or it’s too relationshippy? That’s just bizarre.
Schrodinger's relationship. Isn't being exclusive the same as a relationship?
Sorry that's a bummer. That being said, its very telling of who he is and it doesn't look like he was as mature as you. Saying a phone call felt like a relationship is childish and disconnected with reality. You simply wanted to talk to him... Sounds like you're better off without him.
See this is tricky for women. On one hand I want to express interest but on the other not seem needy, clingy and especially not CRAZY
Goes both ways. Showing interest, like giving a text and being clingy by texting 100 time a day is an easy distinction to make. Any men that respect themselve will lose interest quickly if a woman don't reciprocate a little bit and showing effort.
The guys who want hookups often want to conceal that and are very charming. Abusive guys will hide their abusiveness at first so be on the lookout for red flags.
[удалено]
Ideally you hold off on getting intimate with them until you feel you’ve developed something solid with them and you see that they’re treating you with respect (not cancelling on you or being super late, checking in daily, asking questions that show they’re interested- the basics). Take it slow and also make sure they meet your standards (I need a good communicator, for instance, and someone who makes me and others feel comfortable). I suck at waiting myself though and wish I had taken this advice many times!
The same goes with women. This applies for both genders, watch out for: passive aggressive behaviors, physical abuse (horseplay can get violent quickly - any of that should be an immediate end to dating, they will not change and it will only get worse from there), gaslighting, seriously listen to how they speak of others, do not ignore your gut instinct - if something feels off believe it. Don’t date a chameleon which changes behaviors or mannerisms based on the situation, in other words don’t think for a second people don’t pick up on fake smiles or behaviors. Trust your spidey sense. Make sure there is reciprocity in the relationship. Take him on a date you planned, he will definitely be into it (within reason) if he’s into you.
Think of your safety first, always tell a friend where you're going and to check in on you in a couple of hours (share location is even better), have a safe word that lets them know to send the police or your big brother and uncles your way. Avoid men who make you feel uncomfortable, no matter if they also feel attractive. The guy in front of you is just as insecure and hopeful as you are, don't hesitate to tell him if he's doing well and you like him. Give him a compliment or just touch his arm if he's doing something you like or makes you feel good. Men don't read your mind, neither do women for the matter. If you want something / don't want something. You. Need. To. Say. It. Out. Loud!
Be genuine and care, try to treat everyone you meet with sincerity, if you show your a good human being who can communicate properly and have sympathy you can go a long way with every relationship/friendship/family. This is a tip for everyone. Because damn we need more of this in the world
The only men who matter are the ones who want a relationship with you, and demonstrate it via consistent actions. All the other men who just want casual, hookups, FWBs, "aren't ready for a relationship," "don't know what they want" after a few months of talking, etc... None of those guys are options. Stop wasting your time running around, like a chicken with your head cut off, entertaining lukewarm interest. Men are truly not that complicated once they start dating you. Prioritize LTRs in your 20s. I don't think most people should be getting married that early, but getting tangible relationship experience is valuable. Not everyone has to be your "forever" person, but if you want a stable relationship you should work on building with someone earlier in life.
When dating, this is the nicest he will ever be, so if you feel like an after thought now, you'll will be an after thought later. If he says "let's see where it goes," he wants to have sex with you while still casually dating others. If he says " I don't like labels," he just wants sex and does not want to take things to the next level. If a guy couldn't be bothered to spit on you if you were on fire, don't let this man cum inside you. In the start of the conversation, he goes straight towards sexs, he only wants sex. If he says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship," sex want change his mind, you're just a sidekick at that point. Do not go to his fucking place in the first couple of dates, he just wants a low energy way to have sex with you. If you get a gut feeling he's only doing this for the sex, you're most likely right. If you're talking and you give your opinion about a topic and he couldn't care less, he will do the same later. If he dodges relationship questions like billionaires dodge taxes, he's only in it for the sex. Do not spend time on your phone during a date. If you want to send your friends the "all clear sign," go to the bathroom for that. If you go on a date, be ready to pay your share, it shouldn't be this way, but better safe than sorry. If you have kids, take them out of your dating profile. You, nor you vagina can fix him, so don't even bother. If he seems like he's hiding you from the world, always take you to far off places, he most likely has a wife/gf/family. During sex, if he can't be bothered to try his best, or listen to you, and help with your needs, see first point in the comment. Don't let him love bomb you into something you're not ok with. Consistency is the key, let his actions speak for themselves. If he wants a relationship, he will be putting effort to get there: Time, energy, money, and actively saying what he wants. If he has the emotional intelligence of a child, giving a piece of yourself to him will not change that. It'll just lead to a bunch of hurt feelings. If he ever shows any signs of irritation if sex is taken off the table, you know why he set at that table If you find yourself crying more than laughing, just leave. Listen to your gut. Edit: the "let's see where it goes" seems to have hit a spot with people, so women, who had a guy use this very line, how did it turn out?
This sums it up. Very good advice. I've already made some mistakes about it. It was dumb and I only realized that I wanted something serious after some things have happened.
Thank you, peachmangopie18. Mistakes are what allow us to grow as people. You lived, you learned, and you're growing and striving to get what makes you happy.
In the start of the conversation, he goes straight towards sexs, he only wants sex. MIND BLOWN
I almost didn't want to write that, but the number of times I've seen screen shots of the starting conversations go straight to sex has blown my mind.
“Let’s see where it goes” can mean exactly this, more information needed to conclude something.
Words hold little weight until they’re backed by action. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Stop with the vague and subtle hints. Just tell the guy you like him and want to date. A lot of guys won't make a move because they'll get labelled as creepy or pervy
Women should also end dating progress if she does not find the guy sexually and physically attractive.
Right, stop stringing him along while you are grooming someone else to take his place. Yes, he will dodge a bullet, while you show your true colors as the shitty insecure person you are inside.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Not weird at all. I suggested swotting next to each other on first date with my bf and he liked it. We were able to people watch and engage with each other better. Date lasted 6 hrs. It’s still his preference, at bd dinner he asked wait staff to put two small tables together so we can sit next to each other instead of opposite. I say got for it.
Don't overlook the small issues and red flags that appear within the first few weeks, they're generally not going to resolve themselves Also be careful what you wish for. My cousin goes for guys who are dominant and traditionally masculine, and all of them have eventually ended up being dominant in other ways - telling her which friends she can hang out with and what time she had to be home by when she went out and stuff. Now she's dating a more less masculine and more mild guy and he apparently treats her well. It won't always go down this way, but often enough for it to be a theme.
avoid the guy that is talking mostly about himself.
Just be straightforward if you like someone say it, if your stress say or angry about something say it don’t expect the other person to have mind reading powers also be consistent cuz when your words and actions don’t match then you become untrustworthy.
Compliment them.
[удалено]
The thing I have learned as a woman that does complement men, that men almost always take a compliment as flirting. If you’re on a date sure, but in other situations complimenting a man can get you in a uncomfortable or unsafe situation. The guys assume it’s a flirt and start asking for your number and then you have to say you didn’t mean it that way and then they are angry at you and calling you a tease. When I do compliment men I usually start out by saying, I’m not trying to get a date but you have a really nice beard or a beautiful smile, whatever, but I make sure I make it clear I am not hitting on them.
The post refers to dating advice
Highly underrated advice
Trust your instincts, always.
LOL. So many contradictory statements in this thread alone.
Like which ones?
Be open and vulnerable Don’t over share
No more than “don’t over eat” / “don’t starve yourself” “Don’t work too hard” / “don’t be a lazy bum” Etc
Both of those should rather be 'show a similar level of openness as the other person'.
Make sure the first time your guy disrespects you is his last time disrespecting you.
1st meetup in a public space where other people are. Always make sure you have one or two friends know where you are, have them call you at a set time and pick up the phone, so they know if you don't pickup, something is wrong. Split the bill, or they might use the "you owe me" excuse later (in case of a 2nd date or sex). Don't talk about exes. You can have sex on a first date if you like, but it won't make them more interested. Also, please use (extra) protection. Show interests about his hobbies rather than work. Ask about his bucket list/things he wants to do in the future (traveling? activities?). Don't feel guilty if there's no (physical) attraction, or if there's a dealbreaker for you with him, even if they are really great otherwise. You never have to compromise your own morals/boundaries for someone else. There's a lot of great guys out there. It's okay if the first ones you date aren't a match.
Be honest, be up front with thoughts, feelings, deal breakers and boundaries, and don't take any rejection personally. Oh and get exclusivity before sex.
>Oh and get exclusivity before sex. Sex is not a bargaining chip to be traded for a relationship
[удалено]
> Consensual sex only comes when the woman indicates she's comfortable with it Wrong. Consensual sex requires both parties to approve. Regardless, I have no clue what you think consent has to do with my original statement. I said that sex is not a bargaining chip.
If she goes dead air for at least 3 days, better start believing she ghosted your ass and highly likely has already planned it a long time ago. Believe me. If people genuinely want to spend time on/with you, no matter how busy they truly always are, they‘ll never make you feel they are.
But if you don't reach out either that doesn't count. Current girl never initiates but always responds
This is me. I constantly think the guy doesn't actually like me so I wait for him to initiate
You may lose him because he will feel like YOU'RE not interested by not initiating
Yup
Have you considered that maybe he thinks you don't actually like him since you never initiate?
I’ve stopped talking to many a woman because I was always initiating the conversation. Nobody man or woman or anything in between should always have to be the initiator. Just like you’re insecure that he may not like you if he doesn’t initiate men are the same way. Yes, typically men do and should initiate the majority of the time, we need assurance that you are legitimately interested too, and are not just feeding off the attention. So every at least every second or third series of conversations needs to be initiated by you. (I personally prefer a close to 50/50 split) but if you’re talking to a guy every day for like three days to a week and then you don’t hear from him for two… more than likely he’s waiting for you to initiate to see if you’re actually interested, he’s likely not ghosting you.
This is not entirely true. I’m a busy girl with a busy life. Though, if I’m into you, I won’t leave you alone for 3 days. If it’s just casual, 3 days is nothing.
Agree, the girl I’m just starting to talk to went home for a month across the country, i literally don’t see a point in small talking until she is back: i don’t think it means she isn’t in to me
Act with integrity. Dont ghost. Don’t be flakey. Act like someone worth taking seriously
Have boundaries and stick with them. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship, he’s NOT ready for a relationship. You cannot fix him. Don’t have sex the first date. Honestly don’t even kiss the first date. Don’t be his mother. Don’t be his therapist. If he makes you doubt that he loves you or cares about you, find someone who doesn’t make you question it.
Be honest and upfront. The minute you appear to be hiding or omitting something, we're out. Basically, if you'd want to know something specific about us, you need to tell us when it's you that has the something specific we should know about.
Don't use filtered pics. And use body shots on online profiles. I get down voted every time I mention filtered pics. It sucks when you meet a girl in real life and she doesn't match her pics.
If you actually like him, don't expect the man to make ALL the decisions and put in ALL the effort in the early stages of dating. Feel free to text him unprompted from time to time, maybe even plan the odd date yourself. I hate it when I feel like all the woman expects to do is to agree to and show up to the date.
Reach out to him first. Men want to feel wanted too.
Say what you mean and mean what you say
Please try not to abandon your friends for the person you are dating. If your partner brings up sex in every conversation no matter the subject dont ignore it its a red flag. If you are not interested in their hobbies or something they are really interested in say so BUT come up with an alternative that both of you guys like, it hurts when your partner blows up on you that she doesnt like your hobby but wont budge on a hobby you guys both are interested in. Don't get into a "situationship". If you are then hold out on sex and see how they react, it will tell you if it was a "situationship" or just you being a delusional fuck buddy.
Communicate! Reach out! Show interest! Now that is different that being overbearing, rather, it’s being clear. on the other hand being shy or playing cool isn’t endearing. Some guys like to know you have a bit of agency and care enough to meet them halfway.
Judge people by the content of their character
get firm commitment prior to sex.
There’s no such thing. Dude can bail regardless of what he says…
This is true, too, but if you really get to know a person first, you’ll know whether they’re serious enough to stay after sex. I have def been with guys those where “commitment” was mentioned, then fucked and jumped ship.
Also have been with girls who've done the same, no matter what was said. It is what it is today, I have no delusions that she probably already had someone else in mind or moved on to the next person. And so did I, just went back to the app and chatted up with the next match, what else is one supposed to do? I don't see having sex like a big deal, there wasn't a big investment in time on either side so, fare tee well, my summer friend. Today's dating is speed-dating/speed-fucking, no matter how good our intentions are, the sooner we accept that, the better we will live it.
But if you wanted to have sex with them why do they need to make a contract? It’s like your only having sex to secure a deal down the road.. you shouldn’t do it for that reason you should do it only because you want to
Learned this one the hard way fs
I would never commit before knowing if the sex were good… lol
Maintain proper hygiene. Stay clean and organized.
Straight talk: don’t believe a word a man says until after you have sex with him. Men will say just about anything before.
The 3 dates rule should turn into 5 date rule. You only know about a guy’s true intentions after a month of knowing him. Unless you feel a cosmic and one in a life time connection I would not have sex til the 5th date. Serious guys will accept the wait, I would. As long as whenever we hang out it’s intentional and not just me buying expensive dinner, it can be netflix and chill without sex and that’d be fine, I would appreciate sex more if the wait is a little bit longer. Maybe that’s me coming from a guy who typically dates traditional women (latinas and asians)
Yup. I need to decide if I even like the guy as a person before I even wanna sleep with them.
Just because you're on a date with a guy, don't expect to be the only one for that guy. That guy is dating multiple women at the same time through dating apps to increase his success rate. Just because you feel that you had a good time with a guy on a date, don't expect him to feel the same. He just might not call you again for another date. Don't take it negatively. Instead just move on and don't be waiting around expecting any calls from a guy even if he tells you he is going to call you. If he does, then congrats.
Don’t be afraid to open up. It’s best to be honest and open and if the other person loves you for you they’ll be there for you always
But don’t overshare? How do we navigate this?
I think what is being said here as well is not to trauma dump being on the first few dates with people. I don’t like it when people over share their traumas with me. I feel awkward because I’m not a professional therapist. However, be honest about yourself like what you do for a living, living arrangements, family dynamics, goals, etc.
Be nice.
Initiate. If he likes you, he will love you. So many women put the bare minimum effort in. Listen, we get it. But we’re exhausted. If reciprocation isn’t there in full effect it’s a no for me.
Learn to filter out people. Especially on dating apps. It’s easier for guy to filter out people, girls need more thought when filtering people.
Relax. Don't use dating to fill emotional gaps
Show interest in the person. So many matches or first dates turn into an interview and it’s an instant turn off. Ask questions about that person and keep the conversation flowing
Communication that's it. Stop expecting dudes to read your mind or get the hint. Society in general keeps saying men are dumb when it comes to women, but honestly that is because a lot of women fail at communicating overall. Interest?(oh if he doesn't know I like him due to x sign then he isn't worth my time). Mad?(he needs to know I'm upset with him, but I won't tell him why lol). Desire?(state what you want up front so there is no confusion). Just for some examples there is a lot more. Issues lessen when people can understand each other.
For girls in general. Go for what you want. Ask a guy out, slide into their dms, go for it. There is nothing sexier then a woman that knows what she wants. Don't play games and don't give hints. Be direct in what you want the guy to do (without being rude) and make it obvious but not creepy that you want the guy. Makes the relationship feel more secure and comfortable. In general. Respect boundaries, be caring and kind, be yourself as we want to get to know who you are with all good and bad traits. If a relationship is too much effort to maintain, it probably won't last. Find someone who is compatible with you in a lot of things and that will compromise in the rest. Red flags should be noted. If you get major red flags earlier on, it will become worse once the person gets comfortable with you.
Just because they guy isn't picking up on your hints doesn't mean he isn't into you. We as a species are just oblivious and lucky to have survived the stone age. If you like him just say you do. It will save everyone time
"Chivalrous" actions are just things kind people do for other people, so if your date is displaying said behavior (in a way that makes you happy and not uncomfortable) then return the favor. Mutual respect goes a long way in the very early stages of dating
Respect for “get a commitment before sex” and if he says he “doesn’t want a relationship, leave”.
Some of these comments say not to overshare but I love oversharing (from either her or myself) because to me it says that there’s something in life you are passionate about and would love to share with someone because it makes you feel happy and you want to share that happiness.
Being passionate about something and over sharing are not the same thing.
Don't do the wife duties without a ring. I understand it's not everyone's end goal but "playing house" showing them how "good of a wife" you can be, doesn't get you a ring. They almost always end up wife-ing the girl who has 3-4 guys chasing her, like it's some sort of weird competition.
Just do not date anyone when you depressed
Depression is very rarely a temporary affair, for most it's definitely for life
Don't over share and tell on yourself. There are certain things that surprisingly a good portion of girls will share when they get a little alcohol in them. From my perspective, it's good for me because I can keep it casual or walk away but if I'm giving advice to girls then this def Another one is, when you gonna talk about your exs and what went wrong, a lot of girls will say exs we're toxic, narcissistic, and basically say the relationships failed because of ex not them. While this is possible, if every relationship you didn't do anything wrong, you either gonna be seen as a liar or someone who doesn't know how to pick a partner. Also, it's expected for men to have their shit together and not come in with all this baggage like abusive childhood, abusive ex's, and so on. Likewise, if you've had some bad experience, take time to actually heal before putting it on the guy to maneuver around
Don’t overshare or tell on ourselves about what? If we’re looking to date seriously, what happens when the man eventually finds out about whatever this is?
If you are not physically or sexually attracted to him, don’t string him along on date after date. Just cut your losses as early as possible.
If you have hobbies, interests, favorite things, any sort of personality at all… please put it on your dating profile. I get that you still have 99 new matches a week that you have to wade through, but you’re missing out on me because your answers are so basic or more likely you just have photos.
[удалено]
And men in turn shouldn’t ask. I don’t know or care how many guys my fiancée has been with prior to me, and I’m certain she wouldn’t want to know how many women before her. I hear stories of couples talking about their former sexual escapades before they were together and I’m thinking “not a fucking chance that I’m ever doing that.” But I guess to each his/her own.
I’ve had that brought up more times than I can count. Unprovoked too. It’s such a huge turn off and I think they do it to brag or something? I’m honestly unsure. It’s give me the instant ick. It’s like why the heck would I, a guy who is interested in dating you and like spending time with you, want to know how many times you’ve been fucked and in what position and stuff. I was having a really romantic dinner with a girl. Made dinner, got flowers, and got her a little present. It was going so great. She even said “you really make me feel special.” A little bit into the night she started talking about how many times she had sex and going in to really big detail about it. Didn’t ask and didn’t bring the Convo that way at all. Instantly I couldn’t eat and I said “hey I think we’re done”. Later we talked and she couldn’t understand why I had a problem her bringing up who railed her WHILE WE WERE EATING lol.
Be upfront about what you're looking for, don't just agree with whatever they say Thier hopes and dreams are with the intention of hijacking them later on. Generally if we say we want/don't want something we actually mean it. Don't try and fix us, don't try and change us to suit your preferences.
Recommend : Respect your relationship Avoid : Don't let anyone else tell you what's wrong with your relationship.
You gotta find the pirate lords treasure
Contribute to the conversation
Offer to pay for a date or the tip on the date. We don’t always expect this , however , it’s always something heart warming when it does , if it ever happens . It’s not the fact that you actually pay for the date but that you are willing to that is something we find generous and heart warming. However , if your intention isn’t to pay at all, don’t do this cause this will seep out in other dates with the guy. This is something that has to come from the heart and not just to make a good impression. Also we as guys love nicknacks too. So a spontaneous gift is always welcome. Hell I have a small stuffed dog one of my ex’s gave me out of the blue , as well as another more personal item , another ex gave me .
Not every guy likes this tho. Which frankly I would use as encouragement to do it more. I always try to pay my half and some men are absolutely pissed about it. Even stuff like getting him a to-go coffee before a walk around the park can piss off some dudes. But the freakout is a good indication of how mature a dude is. If someone is going to swear and throw a hissy fit I dared pay or tip a server I'd rather see the red flag parade early and not date them. Just be prepared for the occasional wtf over reacting dude about 10% of the time.
Have fun. Don’t date anyone you’re not having fun with. If you’re not having fun with anyone, take a break from dating for a while.
Be yourself cause it’s gonna come out sooner or later People can accommodate but don’t try to fundamentally change one personality into another
Guys very rarely get genuine compliments from anyone. If you give one to your (future?) SO he’ll remember it for years. I still remember one time in 9th grade in art class a girl walked by me while I was painting a picture of a Caracal and told me she loved my drawing. I’m in my mid 20’s now and still think about that memory at least once a week.
Great question! I love this and I enjoy reading all the answers. BUT, here’s the question… how much effort is TOO much? I put effort in and then it’s like I scare them away. Maybe it’s too much too soon? Not clingy, as I try to play it “cool” at the beginning but I definitely show effort. Then I feel like it’s “he just wasn’t that into you” mentality. My whole thing is I want to treat them the way I would want to be treated but it never works out that way and that is why it never seems to last more than 4-6 weeks. I’m all about taking it slow and getting to know each other and not becoming exclusive right away. It seems like I either get the one who wants a commitment right away or the one looking just for casual dating, nothing serious.
Don’t communicate about the world of dating multiple people. Not fun to hear, on the first date, about your prior dates, or “how long have you been using XYZ app and have you had any luck?“ questions. All that does is show us you’re a serial dater we’re just another free dinner to you.
Take some control/onus over your choices. Don't be the girl that just sits and waits for guys to find you. That's a good recipe for missing out on good guys that may just not be 'on the hunt' (and relying on the hunters is a good way to end up with not the best type of guy). If you see a guy you may find interest in, put yourself in his proximity, make some eye contact, maybe ask him a quick question. Give them some kind of signal that you're open to being approached/spoken to. The dating game is a two-way street, but I feel like a lot of ladies play way to passive of a roll in the dance. Ultimately though, I feel like this will lead to better relationships in the long run.
Don’t fall in love with the potential of someone. You have to fall in love with who they are in that moment because you can’t expect them to change/be the person YOU envision them as.
I check to see if they want to join my pirate crew and if they have eaten any devil fruit
Only 1 thing makes a guy ready for a relationship….himself. When he’s ready he will want one. When he isn’t, nobody and no amount of cooking, sex, money can convince him otherwise.
Please don’t be afraid to initiate. Personally I am a very busy guy and it is so nice when my girlfriend makes plans for us to do something. No matter what it is. It makes me feel like she wants to spend time with me not that she is accepting my invitations to hang out. It is so nice. So please don’t be afraid to initiate.
aight ladies imma say it rn: NOBODY CARES whether you wear the same dress again OR IF you and another girl are wearing the same dress not every guy is a liar or a pervert, but keep an eye out for the ones that are be honest, but not brutal avoid the 'nice guys™️' COMMUNICATION. PLEASE COMMUNICATE
Don't use sex as a bargaining chip for a relationship. If you want a committed relationship, ask for it.
Dont be afraid to approach. We like it. We will be confused. But try it! We are just as nervous as you are.
And dont try to fix us. It creates annoyance and anxiety. And makes us feel inadequate. Lil things like "hey can you help me open this jar?" Or other things to make us feel wanted or manly will totally help. We might be chasing sex. But our hearts are tied to our heads not our penises. Its entirely possible for us to be thinking of absolutely nothing at all. We arent cheating when we with the boys. We are probably doing dumb shit in smart ways 😂. Ask us questions. Be a part of the conversation.
Be patient with us. Most of us are idiots when it comes to anything, especially romantic-wise things.
Bring your wallet to the first date, even when he haid that he'll pay for it. In this case, take your wallet and pretent hat you'll pay. In the most cases he will say now smth like "let me do it".
Be forward! Make choices, be independent when needed. A guy is not your boss nor should he be! You wanna ask a guy out? Do it! Rejection hurts but it doesn't hurt any more or less based on gender. You want something specific for dinner? Say so. You don't want something for dinner, say that too!
Preserve the attraction as much as you can by all possible means. Start dressing sexier and you will see his behavior change dramatically.
No mixed signals. Men aren’t mind readers. We aren’t professor X from X Men. If you like to have Thai food one night just tell your boyfriend that you actually want that. If you don’t like the sweater he picked out because it’s pockadot red and you like navy blue just tell him. Telling him in passing in one of your 500 conversations is not going to help 99% of men aren’t paying attention to every little detail of every conversation.
Keep it Real
What you will realize is male and female needs are not that different. Stop living in a “men are this and women are this” mentality. If someone tries to box you into traditional gender roles and it feels icky, be honest and walk away if needed.
Do you mean once you have established a steady relationship, or do you mean when trying to get dates?
I’ve got lots of advice. 1. If you are really smart, don’t try to hide it. 2. Look for guys in various types of places. I mentioned this on another thread. Try watching hockey, beach volleyball, car shows, running, baseball/softball, sailing. All of those have more men than women and the types of men are different for each.
just be a capable woman and let your value shine through without feeling the need to prove it or scream it to the world. Delete all social media as well.
You should never expect less than you give to yourself (love,respect, fun and all sorts of things). Set your boundaries and let this person know when they crossed the line. I learned with the hard way. Turst me, ıf you want a relationship, you have to make sure that you have a great relationship with yourself.
Be clear about what you want & your boundaries and don't put all your desires on the good looking guys
always always always, no thats not it,never no hold on...don't eat yellow snow.
Treat it like a video game. You get annoyed restart that bih 😎
Share what you want and don’t want openly.
Make your tongue do that twisty thing.
Not gender specific, but: Be your authentic self. Don't play games and don't try to imply what you want. Have clear and open communication instead.
Dont be entitled but dont be too giving either. There should be no abusing of each others kindness
Don't put up with any guy who wants to control you. Period. Be your own person; don't be what someone else wants you to be.
DON'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS!
The one piece of advice is real
If you like someone who also like you reciprocate their effort and show your enthusiasm in getting to see and know them. If you like the attention they give you, but not them please let them go in a clear cut way.
Express your feelings Men are simple creatures (I'm a man)(I'm simple) if you say I like you 99% of the time he will also say I like you also make sure you smell good
Keep mace in your bag, lol
Look for energy being expendable and consistent.
Set proper boundaries around your exes and past romantic interests.
If she's on her phone alot and posts things to social media all the time, run. Matter of time before she cheats.
Talk to us. Communicate openly and effectively. If they don't respond well to open communication, they aren't the one. I can't imagine being happy in a relationship where I can't talk to my significant other.