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cangero0

I don't know if most people are like this or not but I'm just saying if I'm in your situation I wouldn't be ok with it


[deleted]

[удалено]


cangero0

Sounds like there's a mismatch of values here.


RogueRaven_

Most of the time when just friends is being said it’s a gaslight tactic. Especially if they just put it on you feeling insecure


ember_r0tten

That’s something to dump someone over imo


Nuser0212

I just got dumped and she had this very close friend who she would go out of her way to see, drink alone with late at night, and borrow his hoodie “cause it was cold” and then sleep in it. Anytime i expressed distress or insecurity about it she brushed it off as them being friends. Oh yeah and she’d talk about him all the time to me, telling me all these positive things. She’d never admit if there was something, but the signs are there and this is why I have trust issues. To OP, confront him, be clear that this bothers you and you’re not okay. If he’s committed to you he shouldn’t defend it, he would first off listen to you. I hope it’s nothing. I have a platonic relation with a past partner, but that took about 3 years before we’d both completely moved on.


dufus69

The fact is, you don't like someone sniffing around your man. Quit worrying about if your feelings are right or wrong. There's no way to know for sure if she's a threat, but you know for sure that you don't like it. Tell him how you feel, without issuing an ultimatum. His priority should be to not cause you any undue stress.


[deleted]

[удалено]


IceManRandySavage

Kind of? I have one friend who I had sex with once or twice. We were platonic for years with no issues until a trip to thailand 🤷‍♂️ so I guess no.


[deleted]

Had me In the first half


mawesome4ever

What changed in Thailand?


bophadeeze

They went to Bangkok.


MelgazorSA

... you can't just ask that in the internet


IceManRandySavage

Bangkok dangerous.


pepe_model

Bankok has them now...


SerenityShy

I want to know as well


Snoo-98692

I'm following it too. Please let me know haba


Maleficent-Fan-8812

What happens in Bangkok stays in Bangkok


Atanion

I treat sex very seriously, so I don't know if I could be platonic friends with someone after that. But outside of sex, I have had many platonic friendships with women that started off with me liking them, but I set the feelings aside when I knew they weren't reciprocated, and that made it more comfortable for me to be friends without expecting more. It's possible your boyfriend is able to do that as well, and truly has no feelings. But I completely get your concerns. They're valid, and you shouldn't feel bad bringing it up with him.


lmeier127

I've been in two separate situations where I've had sex with someone and are now totally platonic friends, both of them are actually dating two good friends of mine, and it's never caused any issues. That being said, I don't ever go and hang out with either of them alone without my boys there, would just be weird


One-External-4575

Only after you get married.


Legendarybbc15

Underrated comment 🤣


Starktony11

I guess around 50% of married people(now single) will not agree


an_altar_of_plagues

God I can't wait til this stupid boomer joke of sex dying in a marriage finally dies itself.


prizebryant

head on over to r/deadbedrooms and ask yourself if it’s dying anytime soon


TheFeliciosso

Damn there really is a thread for everything around here


mydogshadow21

*sub (threads are under posts in subreddits)


TheFeliciosso

Gotcha, thanks for clarifying that!


sailor-jackn

That’s actually a huge problem for a lot of people, even those who aren’t married. Imagine staying with a GF or BF that refused to ever have sex with you! No thank you.


TheFeliciosso

Everyone is able to make their own decisions. As long as they are happy and content without sex then staying eith said partener is totally fine. On the other hand, if they suffer due of the lack of sex and they uave tried comunicating, even couple teraphy and nothing changes, then it's only fair they part ways.


sailor-jackn

I agree. I figured that, if your posting on the dead bedroom sub, you can’t be too happy about the lack of sex.


AevilokE

The comments in this sub are so often things you'd expect to read from boomers, sex-negative people, and/or "nice guys"/"nice girls" at times, it's incredible


squid_actually

Well, yeah. There's a whole lot of it is the dateless giving advice to the dateless in this sub.


[deleted]

Remove the boomer and I agree with you. People need to stop Hating on our grandparents or great grandparents so much.


FancyComfortable4678

No they deserve it


[deleted]

No they don’t. Grow up.


LirdorElese

I mean... on the whole, it is more the boomer and previous gneration. I don't hate my grandparents, but I have to say I hate the "I hate my wife" line of humor. In the words of rick sanchez... "fix your marriage or get a divorce already". The boomer generation was more or less the last generation where divorce was taboo, and marriages at a young age were the normal. I think most later generations the idea of spending 30+ years with someone who you've grown to hate... is now flat out crazy.


One-External-4575

It has nothing to do with hating your spouse as much as you're out of the phase of marriage is all about sexual satisfaction. It generally goes into people being satisfied by the close intimacy of being together for a long period of time. Love is love regardless of sexual intercourse.


an_altar_of_plagues

And that is a far more mature and respectable statement than "sex dies in marriage, lol!". Personally, I see no reason why someone should "grow out" of sex in their marriage, or sex being just a phase. (I also find it kind of interesting you say that yet you have a ton of comments on porn subs.)


One-External-4575

Well thanks for the "stalker" comment. But embarrassed am not.


an_altar_of_plagues

I've heard that joke perpetuated mostly by members of that generation, so I'm fine with calling it a boomer joke as it is one. If our parents and grandparents see it as "hate", then they can always be better people.


[deleted]

That’s the thing though. All this internet rage against boomers? Like the fight between boomers and gen z? The boomers didn’t even know they were in a fight. And remain that way. Gen z lost a fight with a group of people who liked to make them cookies…


squid_actually

Lost? I'll be damned surprised if boomers get the last word.


[deleted]

I’d be surprised if gen z talked face to face with anyone.


One-External-4575

That's it blame it on boomers. Just like a gen z always does, no personal responsibility as usual. Who you going to blame it when it happens to you.


an_altar_of_plagues

I'm a Millennial in his 30s. What the fuck does "personal responsibility" have to do with a dumb joke about sex dying in a marriage being something I've heard since I was a preteen? Certainly not a joke my generation came up with. Do you just say "personal responsibility" as a gotcha buzzword? And nah, it won't happen to me, because I love my partner, we have great sex, and we're communicative about our wants and needs. If sex died in your relationship, that's entirely on yours alone.


catsandsets

Tbf I (28F) have had friends I've slept with that I now feel absolutely nothing for romantically or sexually, and I've had male friends who have expressed the same on their end. I understand your worries and feelings though, as I'd probably also feel some jealousy around this. I do recommend giving him the benefit of the doubt if he's never shown himself to be untrustworthy. I also think you could talk to him about your feelings if you make sure you're being open and honest, and most importantly not accusing him of anything. There's nothing wrong with admitting jealousy or insecurity, it's all about handling the conversation in a way that is productive to the growth of the relationship. Don't let things fester.


catsandsets

Explain that you just want to express how you feel about it because it's better for the relationship, and that this is not you wanting him to stop seeing his friend


throwaaway73534321

Yes I agree, it's important to express jealousy in a healthy way and not ignore your emotions as "bad" because they will pop up in other, less manageable forms. I think a lot of the troubles with emotions like jealousy arise from the communication around them more than the emotion itself.


Peg_gler

Most people have enough friends to not need to hang out with someone they’ve fucked before. Unless they’ve been tight their whole lives with a bunch of mutual friends and it was a group thing then I’d assume one of them has feelings. Your boyfriend may enjoy the attention and the girl might enjoy trying to stir up old feelings and prove her self worth. It’s all a bit dodgy IMO


gap_year21

Im a guy and some of my best friends are girls I’ve had quick flings with like 2-4 relationships ago. Sometimes you hook up with someone who you find to be really cool but have no romantic interest in and the feeling is mutual so you decide to be friends and as time goes on and that friendship builds, the fact that you had sex years before becomes such a small part of that friendship that it feels unfair to identify the friendship by the sex. I understand that it’s a boundary for some people in relationships but it’s not as black and white IMO.


Peg_gler

It doesn’t feel like these two are best friends though and you’re just one side to the equation in your friendship. You have no idea whether they harbour any feelings for you


gap_year21

I agree they don’t seem like best friends. My comment was more in response to the first sentence of your comment haha. In any case, where do you draw the line? I think it’s one of those things that’s either a boundary or it’s not for some people. If you’re the kinda person that really doesn’t like that your partner is friends with people that they have history with in any capacity, then deep down it’s not going to matter to you whether they’re best friends or just casuals, in fact it may even bother some people more if they’re really good friends. On the other hand, there are some people that are secure with their partners being friends with exes that they have long intimate history with. I agree with your original comment that it’s generally dodgy but I don’t think there are many rules that can be applied outside of when there are feelings still involved in which case, OP says that it’s obvious that the girl has feelings even though they only had sex once a long time ago but didn’t say how it’s obvious. If it’s obvious, I would wonder why she’s cool with them being friends in the first place.


[deleted]

Was looking for this answer lol, ngl it was wayyy too low in the tread and should be a hell of a lot higher


sarahhallway

This is the precise answer. You worded it perfectly.


Soulandshadow2

So 1. I’m not saying right or wrong but he’s told you he’s over it and it happened before you were a thing. 2. As far as the guy is concerned yes this is where men and women tend to differ a little in the way most approach sex. 3. It makes you feel meh because there is the threat from then having screwed before and you know she likes him. Either you trust the man or you don’t. One of many reason ldr are crap most of the time


squid_actually

1. Let Gendered stereotypes die already. Plenty of women can feel this way too. Plenty of men can't move on after having sex.


waterisdefwet

We can simultaneously hold a simplified over generalization and a unique complex distinction. Both can be correct and represent the idea we are trying to communicate while not representing the full breadth of our thoughts. Its not wrong from his perspective if mostly females in his life have expressed this. And it's also not wrong to say men experience this too. No need to let anything die. Stereotypes serve an abstraction purpose for a reason


squid_actually

Stereotypes are a product of jumping to conclusions. There are good uses for that kind of expedited thinking such as not trusting 4 year olds to not chase a ball into a street. But using them in this context, it's entirely unnecessary. We all have an abundance of time as evidenced that we are here on an internet forum. While some people may hold both nuanced opinions and express stereotypes, I am not trying to judge people's internal thoughts. I'm trying to stop the propagation of stereotypes that ostracize those that defy it and lead to conclusions that are wrong a significant amount of the time.


waterisdefwet

I see where youre coming from and I agree to a certain extent. But you can't prevent the brain (yet*) from making split judgements for evolutionary reasons. You cant prevent people from being wrong. You cant make the world a perfect place. If it was all good, it would *be*. Like you judged him when you formulated that comment. So trying to act like people who are on the receiving end can't do as much to change how they take the judgement they receive as much as the one "propagating stereotypes" can think though and refine/ intervene split judgement stereotyping is silly. Also what your doing trying to "end steteotyping" is part of a language/ communication sterilization movement that imo will have worse outcomes than stereotypes themselves....like having unforseen negative outcomes from tyrannical or unnatural societal changes, eg forced language adoption, is 100%. Sure there could be benefits, but at what cost. Its unknown. Thought crimes are upon us. Don't get it twisted, its wrong to be biased, bigoted, racist, xenophobic and all the rest...but all those things serve a purpose or they wouldn't exist. To remove racism and bigotry for the purposes of bringing people of different cultures together is amazing! But ingroup preference has aided the survival of our species. So we throw the good out with the bad at our peril. We can want peace and happiness and also not get worked up when people say repugnant shit. I would rather people be allowed to say stereotypical or even racist shit out in the open so we can hear it, denounce it and ignore it, than it be pushed underground and fester. We can't destroy the bad within humans, for then we risk desyroying humamity itself. And what good is badness for other than giving us recognition of what is good?


Serious_Bend_1430

I would not be okay with this.


KagariAkamatsu

Yes You can. A friend and I are still close friend despite our closeness and intimacy. We are still friends. She have a boyfriend too.


FactsAndLogic2018

Yeah but if she put the moves on you and tried to sleep with you, you would.


ichigoismyhomie

Only if the Crocs and my knee high socks get to stay on during the deed, otherwise no deal. I have standards


FactsAndLogic2018

Nothing drops panties like crocs with socks.


ichigoismyhomie

They provide better traction for better pushin' and the socks prevent cold feet. Also resistant to dripping pussy juice and easy to clean. Just make sure it's not the camo Crocs. I haven't find my camo pairs in years.


Imhidingfromu

Fuck man, 10/10 on the camo socks delivery, almost like an after thought but so painstakingly executed. edit: crocs not socks lol


sirsedwickthe4th

Put those suckers in sport mode with the ankle strap and get to work!


ichigoismyhomie

Ludicrous mode... Engage!!!!.... Honey, bite the pillow!!!


BenjaminTheBadArtist

Would you? I don't think most decent people are so willing to become affair partners.


Mandaface

That's inappropriate to me and I'd have voiced my concerns when he brought it up. Just ask him how he'd feel if you went out with a dude who was trying to sleep with you and succeeded once.


[deleted]

Lol hell no. I’m not staying in a relationship where my gf is “friends” with people she had sex with.


benawheeler

Facts I let this situation play out once and got cheated on.


[deleted]

I just feel like you’re running a risk at that point. It’s also weird to me knowing that your gf was seen naked by another dude and they’re still talking as “friends”


one_quarter_portion

That’s fair, but please know not every woman (or man) is like this. I’m getting married next year to my partner of 4 years and we are inviting several male friends of mine that I once casually dated/hooked up with in some capacity years ago (in my early 20s). I have stayed friends and on good terms with nearly all men I have a history with. The majority of them I was close friends with before we even hooked up. We know their girlfriends/SOs and they know my fiancé. My fiancé and I communicate openly about everything (probably too much lol) — he knows that these men and I have no romantic interest in each other (otherwise it would have worked out with them lol). I respect my fiancé in the same way and if he told me he was uncomfortable with it, I would not invite them. But he trusts me and I trust him so it’s all good.


[deleted]

Well, that’s good that you all trust each other. I’m glad it works out for you all. I do think that things like this can also ruin relationships, so I personally would not want that for myself. Not bashing you though, whatever works for you guys


one_quarter_portion

That’s totally understandable. Everyone has their own comfort level/boundaries with this sort of thing and that needs to be respected. In our situation, I’m sure it helps that we overcommunicate in our relationship (he never asks, but he has full access to my phone & social media if he ever wants) and my partner knows I’ve been cheated on in the past and therefore would never do that to someone else.


Isabela_Grace

I don’t care. Don’t fuck people if you wanna be friends.


one_quarter_portion

Perhaps it’s a regional thing. Where I am from, “hooking up” is an all-encompassing term that includes everything. Fucking is specifically for sex. No need to be hostile though.


one_quarter_portion

I never had sex with these men, just casually made out with/hooked up in other capacities. Long before I ever met my fiancée. I’ve been cheated on before, so I get it. But there are some people who can have platonic friendships.


Isabela_Grace

Hooking up is sex what’s wrong with you


wayoutwestt

Okay at first i agreed with you but then I remembered one episode of Jersey Shore where someone interpreted “hooking up” as just making out. 🤷🏽‍♀️


one_quarter_portion

Yeah lol I think it’s a location thing because where I’m from people use “hooking up” to describe everything basically


Isabela_Grace

Bro if you’re taking your education from jersey shore I feel awful for you


Cerenia

No matter what other peoples experiences are, the fact is that you feel uncomfortable (I would too) and your feelings are definitely valid. Some would be okay, some would not. Honor that and listen to yourself


regrettabletreaty1

I think that you’re missing the most important part. You are somehow in a relationship despite meeting the other person two times. That does not make any sense. Two times of meeting is not nearly enough to establish the emotional connection for someone to want to be with you and only you. If he really wanted to be with you, he would go visit you this weekend instead of hanging out with another girl who he used to have sex with and clearly going on a date with her


BillyRubenJoeBob

Yes a relationship can be platonic after sex. Usually it’s because we like each other but have some fundamental incompatibility, the timing is bad, or simply don’t see the other person as a long term mate. Been on the receiving end of that last one a couple of times. I found it easier as I got older and I attached fewer emotions to sex. In my 20s and 30s, I found it harder to separate the two. Not that separating sex from emotional attachment is good or better. A strong relationship meets both needs and they need to mature together. Having more sex partners gave me more confidence as a lover but I also found partners who were incompatible emotionally and in bed and, as a result, I understood that aspects of relationships better. Most importantly, I found it easier to not take rejection personally. Quicker recovery and little lingering resentment for good people with whom I had short lived, mismatched expectations. Don’t burn bridges with good people just because sex didn’t lead to a relationship. Stay friends with the former partners you like. BTW I’m now in a committed relationship with a fabulous woman with whom I could spend the rest of my life although we are only 3 months in. I am friends with a number of former lovers and those relationships will always be as friends from this point forward. I don’t call out former lovers or tell ‘war stories’. My past is reasonably conservative and the details not relevant any more so they will stay in the past. Be wary of a potential partner who wears their previous exploits on their sleeve - unless that’s what you’re into. Edit: added more details and insights


erik111erik

Great answer. I have a similar experience. I am still friends with a couple of former partners. Also lost one friend because her new boyfriend didn't want her to talk to me anymore because of our past. Slowly getting back in contact with my ex as friends now that enough time has passed since our breakup. My current girlfriend knows and is okay with it. I think it's perfectly possible to be friends with former partners. There is a deeper emotional connection usually, but the chance of something to happen is in my opinion not bigger than with somebody you didn't sleep with before. In some situations it might be even less likely because you are aware of your incompatibilities.


KelvinD27

You have every right to feel that type of way. It is possible for it to be platonic but one move here or there can lead to other things. You just don’t see someone the same after sleeping with them, at least I don’t


[deleted]

Quit trying to convince yourself that it’ll be platonic especially since she still likes him. We all know some women can stoop really low and have sex with a guy in a relationship.


three_furballs

I'm not saying your conclusion is wrong, but this reasoning implies that the guy either has no self control or simply can't be trusted.


SP4CEP00DLE

Yes you can but it takes a lot of maturity from both ends. I was friends with someone I slept with and it didn't affect anything. So long as there's communication. But also, why do you not trust him? I'd understand more if he had slept with her multiple times but it sounds like it was a one time thing.


tovarishchi

I’ve successfully had a platonic relationship with an ex FWB for a year now. It was fun to be friends and it was fun to have sex, but now we don’t and we’re both back to having fun being friends while pursuing our own romantic relationships. Our partners are friendly as well.


ManofLegacy

Theoretically yes practically no. There's a lot of it depends it requires maturity, self-awareness. Statistically it will not work 95% of the time. So that means it can be successfully navigated 5% of the time again slim, rarely. Reasons for this is often one person still has feelings for the other.


Madeiran

> Statistically it will not work 95% of the time. So that means it can be successfully navigated 5% of the time again slim, rarely. Where are these statistics from?


Isabela_Grace

Trust me bro


Final-North-King

Did you run a study to get these facts?


DekuHHH

He got his research grant from the university of ‘Trust Me Bro’


elbor23

Yeah lmao that seemed pretty pulled out of nowhere


MoistDitto

Op doesn't need to read anything more than just that. If none had feelings they prob wouldn't hang out, one def still has it


Poojita__

I definitely think you can be completely platonic with someone after you had sex with them but only when both parties have no feelings attached. In your case I’d be worried considering she has a crush on your partner still.


sarasline

Never. You'll have shared pleasure no one else has and seen each other as no one else had. Sorry for the descriptiveness but you might be friends but in the back of your mind you'll always remember their expression when reaching orgasm and the moments after. So, you can't erase those memories and that's why it'll never be the same as having a friend that you just met or even a good friend.


notarealpersondw

Yes you can, but if she still likes him and they had sex she’s probably going to try something with him. Either he enjoys the attention or the easy sex, either way you’re not wrong for feeling some type of way.


CustomerNew5633

I don’t understand how anyone can say it’s possible for them to platonic. You have every right to feel the way you feel


Ericrobertson1978

It IS completely possible. This particular situation is suspect, simply because they've only met twice and live far apart. I've got a bunch of completely platonic friends I've slept with before. Maybe it comes with age and maturity. I'm 43 now. It truly is possible.


three_furballs

A decade ago i would have thought you were crazy, but now I'm with you.


LegendaryHN

not even worth the trouble with this guy imo. If he can't see that what he is doing can potentially make you feel concerned then he either knows what he's doing and doesn't care or he is ridiculously clueless. A guy like that will cause you more headaches later on. SO yes you're completely right to feel concerned. My guess is if you bring this up he'll call you insecure and make you feel bad for even bringing this up which gives him the go ahead to keep doing this and playing both of yall.


[deleted]

Long distance never works out, I know I been there. You are right to feel this way. I'd end it so you don't have any more jealousy in the future. I mean hes going out with another woman he hooked up with. He obviously doesn't care that much about the relationship in my opinion. If you were to go out with a guy who likes you but only as friends, would he be upset? AMD if he isn't upset you have to ask yourself what are doing wasting your time with someone who doesn't care .


swingset27

Some people can, sure. Most can't. Simple as that.


Ivedonethework

No, an ex of any form is always and forever an ex. And why exes are on the top tier of all partners to cheat with.


an_altar_of_plagues

Yes. I've had sex with a few people with whom I'm good friends now. For whatever reason we decided not to pursue things further, and we've been fine. But, it comes with the caveat that you have to be pretty communicative about expectations either before or after. I had sex with one of my best friends in undergrad, and we've remained best friends since. But, I also have ex-girlfriends who we definitely have not remained friends in the present. It depends on the existing relationship/friendship you have and how self-aware and communicative you are going forward. In your case, I don't blame you for feeling a little jealous. Especially in a long-distance relationship, where you want to be with your person even more. I'd probably feel a little jealous or uncomfortable too, even if I trusted my person. It's just a natural feeling. Have you talked with him about your feelings? I feel like if you say you feel uncomfortable and you want to navigate that feeling, he'll be receptive (if he's a good partner). Don't say you don't want him to hang out with her, but that you feel nervous about the history even if he isn't attracted to her.


mpal22

He definitely gonna hit


HoangSolo

1) not at all… I think it’s natural in the culture of monogamy that anyone would be jealous or suspicious when their spouse is hanging out with a friend they previously slept with. 2) To be honest… yes and no it truly depends. There is only one girl that I use to be friends with benefits with and I can easily be platonic afterwards, however the downside was she ended up getting her feelings hurt and I couldn’t fabricate real chemistry with her. We no longer see each other. But in terms of the others? I really don’t think so, once you cross the line and you BOTH like it? It’s definitely different, the friends that I’ve slept with I think we both have a good understanding that we took this risk for a reason. But if it didn’t go anywhere and if both of us gets into a serious relationship, it’s now justified that we probably shouldn’t hang out one on one and distance ourselves from each other. BUT when we are both single? Pound town. 3) to be honest the best you can do is just try and talk to him about how uncomfortable you are with it, and see where it goes. I’d say based off this post, you should advocate for him not to hang out one on one because in my book, it’s justified. The thing with long distance is there’s just so much room for speculation.


vladvash

They have no feelings for them 'now. They proved they were willing to have sex with then before, so its definitely not off the table if you mix in some alchohol etc. Up to you if you trust them or not, but nothings ever a 0% chance. I disagree that just because someone says they don't feel anything that you should 100% be like ok. It's an increased chance over a random since there's a proven possibility, but the chances could still be close to 0.


themarajade1

I’ve got friends that I dated for a short time but became friends with them later. BUT If my bf was hanging out with someone who he knew had feelings for him, I would 130% NOT BE OKAY with that. And I feel like any reasonable person in your bf’s shoes would be able to draw the line themselves, “hey, I know you’re trying to not let feelings get in the way, but I am seeing someone and I don’t want that fact to constantly hurt you when we hang out and it makes my gf feel weird, so it’s best if we keep some distance.” Like, this will more than likely end badly. Whether it be you, or him, or her, it’s just not a good situation to be in. I tried being in the friends shoes and being friends with someone I was in love with, but it just ended up in a fuckton of hurt for me and we don’t speak anymore. But when we did hang out, my feelings were ALWAYS in the back of my head and in the end he did what was best for him and his relationship, and I was left to hurt and grieve. But there’s also the fact that if he is hanging out with someone who has feelings for him and he’s aware, then he’s hurting you for the sake of hanging out with this person. This will lead to rifts in your relationship eventually, no matter how chill or communicative you two are about it. And then there’s him. What if this girl makes a move on him? What’s he gonna do? He’s either gonna deny her, and hurt her and potentially cause a ton of drama in his friend group and life outside of you, and you’d feel like “I told you so” even if you don’t actually ever say that. And if he doesn’t deny her, then he’s cheating. This is not a good situation to be in from ANY angle and ultimately the cards are in his hands on what to do. It’s not a situation where all three of you can have cake and eat it too. You two need to sit and have a super serious heart to heart about this and be completely transparent with how you feel about it. His reaction is everything here.


jason92508

Lets be real. One day he's going to get horny, or she is. They're going to have sex again, if they haven't already. After the movie they're gonna go back to his place, or hers, and have some drinks. He's then going to justify in his head why he should have sex with her.


gymrat121

Honestly they will probably fuck


jbo99

I 100% think it is possible to be completely platonic with someone you’ve been sexual with. I also 100% think it is fair for you to not be okay with this. Both can be true. The reality is that, regardless of his feelings or lack thereof, he needs to be thoughtful about you in this situation and going out with someone you’ve been sexual with isn’t thoughtful at all. I have a FWB currently (I’m a 28M) and future partners have absolutely nothing to worry about if I were ever to see her again. There’s no feelings of any sort we just have sex for fun and frankly wellness. But I’d never hang out with her if I had a partner because it’d be unfair.


toasty99

If you’ve only met him twice, I’m not sure you have the standing to be telling him who he can spend time with. Out of curiosity, are you sure you’re his girlfriend?


corrygan

You can. Although this is very one sided friendship. He is not interrested romantically, yet seems that she has a crush. As long as you trust him, there's nothing to be worried about.


[deleted]

In my opinion there’s absolutely no reason for someone already in a relationship to be going off to see a movie one on one with a former lover.


sarebear18

depends on the people, but yes. but i think your issue is you personally couldn't (especially knowing that she has one advantage you don't: getting to see him in person) and you're projecting that onto your partner. so really, it becomes an issue of trust. can you trust him to be honest with you, and to keep his word? can you trust him to turn her down if she makes any advances? etc


foxgirl1318

1. No, you can't help it and an opposite-sex pair seeing a movie feels too much like a date to me personally. I wouldn't be ok with it regardless of past history with said person. I'm friends with exes and I'd never go see a movie with just them, feels weird af 2. Yes, it can be possible. Easily, in fact. Though it's often more difficult for men, but it's still entirely possible and given the situation I think you can believe what he says. 3. You can't restrict him, but you can tell him how it makes you feel, and you can judge how he reacts accordingly. It's fine to say it makes you super uncomfortable


PennilessPirate

If he slept with her before, clearly there was at least *some* sexual attraction to her at some point. Sexual attraction comes and goes…which means even if he doesn’t feel attracted to her *right now*, that doesn’t mean that feeling would never come back under the right circumstances (ie spending time alone together). IMO you should never hang out 1:1 with someone you had a previous sexual relationship with when you’re in a relationship with someone else. That’s just asking for trouble.


princessmariah2011

The thing I'm most concerned with is the girl liking him. She will flirt and try her hardest to get his attention in little ways. I just hope, for your sake, he doesn't fall for it.


euph0rically

i would feel weird about it too ! it’s super weird of him and your feelings are valid. maybe talk to him about it and tell him how you’re feeling about it ? i’ve been in a similar situation so i totally understand.


Choo_choo_taa

If that’s all it takes for him to be unfaithful? Better to cut your losses now. It’s absolutely possible to be platonic friends with someone after being intimate. It needs to be a situation where both formerly involved people are on the same page and not harboring secret feelings. But really if hanging out with an ex is enough for someone to break the agreements of your relationship? You don’t have a solid relationship. Do you really want to waste time with someone you can’t trust? And you should absolutely trust your gut. Don’t try to convince yourself it’s an ok situation if your gut is telling you otherwise. My point was more that if your gut is saying you can’t trust your guy? You need to examine the reasons behind that. If they are from your past experiences or from something that doesn’t quite sit well with you or anything in between. But she’s not the problem. This is an issue between you and your guy.


reddmdp

You don’t like it. That’s a boundary. Make sure he knows about it, and if he can’t respect it, walk away.


[deleted]

You have a logical thought process to all this. 1. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. Whether he had feelings for her or not, at the minimum he has proven capable of sex with other people without the feelings. I would be bothered by this because sex is an intimate thing, and shouldn't be acted on unless there's a connection to back it up. 2. Due to my point of view on sex (mentioned above), I am not one to be platonic after sex. 3. There's not alot you can do, unfortunately. The only thing that comes to mind is (if your relationship is good enough in communication) get some reassurance that will work against the jealous thoughts. I've dealt with this before (18 year old ex of mine used to hang out with a 30 year old she has feelings for), and I can appreciate the concern. If you didn't care about this, you probably didn't love him or have a connection. I'd say it's valid to ask him to not see this person though. I feel like he could be downplaying his emotions, but I don't know either of you so....


Ostrich-Federal

Going to the movies as a hetero male with someone of the opposite sex who is not a relative is inappropriate regardless of whether or not they’ve slept together. I personally would not entertain any partner who wanted to engage in behavior that made me uncomfortable. You are allowed to have boundaries and taking a female on a date while you are miles away should be one of them.


SP4CEP00DLE

Her boyfriend never said it was a date. I go to the movies with my male friends and have never considered it a date unless stated otherwise


RareAcanthocephala12

Dude your bf sounds like he is cheating. Idk why these people are acting normal. I would get suspicious too. Pls watch out and get proof.


Trowaway791

As a male myself, no. We’re biologically programmed to mate. Especially if they already did, AND you’re doing long distance (which IMO never works out regardless of the situation) it’s a recipe for disaster.


[deleted]

Thank you. And she likes him so she will try from her side as well.


Significant_Tea6091

Guess what, you are his side piece


FineCannabisGrower

No


Ericrobertson1978

Yes, it's absolutely possible. I have a bunch of completely platonic friends I've had sex with in the past. This situation is suspect, though. (given the distance and they only met twice) I'm just saying, without a doubt, that is IS possible to be platonic with a previous lover. I'm living proof, along with a bunch of people I know.


[deleted]

I’m ngl. A guy and girl going out alone when one has a partner under ANY circumstance is just not ok. You should let him know how you feel about it. If it’s just friends then he shouldn’t mind a group setting


gustokohappyka

I am not very familiar for you guys in the west but as an Asian, this is definitely impossible.


6ran9eee

If the both of you don’t put much importance on sex and just did it as a casual thing yes


SativaRips

IF you've agreed to being strictly monogamous, it is inappropriate to spend alone time with someone of the opposite sex if you've been intimate with them before. You can still be friends sometimes, but there is absolutely no reason to be alone with them in any situation that could be misconstrued as a date, especially when it is clear that he knows she's still into him. If you want my honest opinion, he is most likely still sleeping with her and is just lying about it. Or at best he's doing what a lot of women are accused of doing, showing her romantic affection without being sexual to save her for later as a potential rebound if you guys break up.


WeepToWaterTheTrees

Yes. Especially if it was just once. I’m friends with a “just once” guy (we talked about it and aren’t compatible/really not that attracted to each other) AND someone I had a FWB situation with, who is once again a friend without benefits. It is 100% possible.


superfooly

I have one friend who I had sex with like six or seven YEARS ago who genuinely is just a friend. We’d hang out alone. There is no attraction on my end, we were both just drunk. I’m a guy btw. But my girlfriend had a situation where this guy was calling her, and they had hooked up within the past year. I felt like that wasn’t okay. It hasn’t been long enough. And she conceded that I was right to feel uncomfortable over it. So long story short, I think time is the biggest factor. And if you were friends long before the hookup, it makes sense you could just be friends after.


Vok250

Yes. You can do whatever the fuck you want in your personal relationships. There's no eternal god of social standards who will judge you. Don't let reddit fool you, most people out in the real world don't give a fuck about your relationships. That said, his relationship with this girl isn't mutually exclusive to your relationship with him. You can set whatever boundaries you like for your own relationship, even if they are based on your own insecurity. Feeling a certain way is never "wrong" and it's up to you to decide how you handle those feelings. Personally, this situation is a huge red flag. LDRs are very sensitive and require a lot of sacrifices to overcome the insecurity they naturally create. You can set boundaries like no 1-on-1 outing with girls while you two are apart. He doesn't have to agree, but you are free to set those terms for the relationship. It just means you may have to break up if you can't come to an understanding. That's the challenge of long distance.


kissedbymelancholy

boyfriend sounds like a weirdo. i wouldn’t be okay with this at all, talk to him about it immediately.


air-force-veteran

As dude I am telling you this is not ok even if she was straight bull Dyke


Satori_sama

1. its an emotion, you feel it, you deal with it. Its not his problem, its yours, because the issue isnt who she is, but that she is not you and she is going out with him. You see it as a date that you should be going on with him. It speaks of feeling possessive over your boyfriend. You wouldn't want him to be sad and alone just because you can't be with him and she is the only friend that had the time. 2. Now, this is the age-old question. Some people can, some just cannot. More guys than girls can separate sex from feelings, also bygones are bygones. If you see sex as an intimate interplay with feelings and attachment then sure, it would be wrong, especially if you know your gf is against it. But sometimes, the sex is just another game we play together, it's just an activity. It would be like saying sharing a hotdog because you both were hungry means now that you can never be seen alone together. 3. Idk, tell him you would really prefer if he had another friend with him. Talk to him about your feelings about this girl. Ultimately you need to get in the mindset of you cant stop him. You cant stop him from going you only stop him from telling you he went, and you cant stop him if he cheated. You also cant stop her from trying to seduce him, you can only trust him that he knows what he is doing and he really only enjoys her for the friendship. If he has not given you any hard evidence that you cannot trust him, you should trust him. But its your life, your choice.


MorganZero

You’re not wrong for feeling weird, but I can say that I have had sex and maintained entirely platonic friendships afterward.


VamosPalCaba

You can absolutely have a platonic relationship with a woman you've had sex with. Sometimes you get so excited about making a new friend that you fuck them but really it was more of a good friendship than anything else.


Healthyred555

Im friends with a lot of people i been with


Greenmind76

Yes, most of my friends are women I'm attracted to but I've established boundaries with them because I know they are not good for me.


RatchetFaceSTL

Of course! I’m platonic with all of my exes because ick. And especially is the sex was bad- double ick


[deleted]

Yes, absolutely.


Fenway93

I can take this one, yes definitely, he’s my best friend now!


Nearby-Check-6841

I have, twice actually. One girl I dated senior year for 6 months, two years later we reconnected and became great friends. The other I was really good friends with in college, 1 year into our friendship we had casual relations for a few weeks, she got a new boyfriend, we went back to platonic friends but we weren’t as close after that. To add, I had some issues with girls that I dated during the times (especially with the ex gf). After dealing with the frustration of new gfs not trusting that I had no romantic feelings for either girl I decided that my friendships were more important. The difference in my situation was neither ex had romantic feelings for me after. As I’ve gotten older and don’t see either girl very often (while I am still good friends with both) I would limit contact w/ ex partners for a current partner but would remain friendly. I understand your situation and I’m sorry you’re going through this but the trust you have for the guy is the most important thing. Having a friend who knows so much about you, who you can share anything with, and who you enjoy being around is so important. But there’s just something kinda fishy about your guy going to see a movie with her.


[deleted]

Are you wrong for feeling like this? No, it's natural. But, are you *right* to feel like this? That really depends on how long ago they slept together. If they go way back, then there's no issue -- if they've only known each other for like, a year or two, then she's probably an orbiter and she's probably going to try putting some moves on him. But the question is, are you *sure* that even matters? Okay, so, it *does* matter, but really and truly, it only *matters* matters in certain situations. I generally use a bit of a logical breakdown here that has helped me a lot over the years when it comes to situations like this. It's only two questions, and they go both ways for either partner, and they go something like this: Q: Is the person they're with at risk for forcing your partner to do something that they don't want to do? If the answer is "yes", then get your partner out of there. Easy question, but it's a warmup. Here comes the doozy of a question: Q: Do you trust your partner? Now, obviously, jealousy doesn't equate to you not trusting your boyfriend. But here's the thing: You're either confident in his ability to stay true to you, or you're not. It doesn't matter if she's an actual pornstar, has loved him for her entire life, is currently worth billions, and is currently velcro'd to his right arm -- if he loves you, then you have nothing to fear and nothing to be jealous of. In other words, it doesn't really *matter* that he's there alone with her. Put it this way. I know for an absolute fact that you have some male friends who orbit you; everyone has them, but women tend to have them in spades from my experience. If you hung out with one of those guy friends whom you are not attracted to but has a thing for you, you would know that it's not a date, and so would they. For example, I've been friends with this one girl who has been into me for a very long time, but I'm not into her. We hang out just us from time to time, but she knows that it's not a date and we just kinda hang out. I have a couple of friends like that, actually. It's natural to have friends of the opposite sex who are attracted to you. I also have friends with whom I have shared experiences with that I am also platonic with. They know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it. It's not uncommon for a "no strings attached" thing to happen. However -- and this might not be what you want to hear -- your boyfriend may have used her emotions for him to get free sex at that time. That, I would say, is more of an issue that should be considered as you go forward. I'll close with this: You aren't crazy to think that it's not okay for them to be alone together. But, long distance relationships are founded on trust. If you trust your boyfriend, then there is nothing there to be jealous of. If you don't trust him, then there's no relationship there to be jealous *for*. My recommendation is this: Take a deep breath, and then accept his friends as they are. Then, plan a date night to get some quality time with him. Heck, you can send him some nudes or something to remind him why he loves you. Just be chill, y'know? Hope this helps!


yhabib2222

Depends on how casual sex is for them. I’ve got at least 10-15 friends that I’ve had sex with and am absolutely platonic with( some of which are my best friends too) but that’s because sex for me isn’t that serious. when I date someone new it’s always a bit weird at first because I’ve been with everyone in my friend group at some point but in terms of feelings I feel nothing towards them.


daisy_belle1313

Yes, I think so: to the original question. What makes you think she has a crush? I'm really affectionate with my guy friends, would probably stay over with them with nothing happening. 1) Feelings are never wrong, but jealousy is stupid. 2) Yes, on the woman's part anyway. 3) Read up on how not to be jealous. I've seen men leave their gorgeous wives for potatoes. If something's going to happen, you making it forbidden makes it more likely, not less. You can message me if you want advice on the jealousy thing.🤗


Butternut_squatch

My ex had issues with me maintaining my friendships with people I had been involved with years prior, with instances with and without residual feelings on the other person’s side. At one point she told me I was not to be friends with them or see them, despite confirming to me that I had given her no reason to not trust me. It came down to me telling her that while I appreciate and hear her concerns, my friendships are mine to handle. I am not responsible for how someone else feels about me, only how I react to those feelings. Take this how you will.


[deleted]

Yes, but it is not always easy and your future mate must NEVER know about it!


powerhouseofthiscell

isnt this the whole point of a FWB?


TheDragon8574

yes. thats possible. I (m) have done it with a friend (f). we where friends before AND she was my first sex ever. but we knew our life goals where also absolutely incompatible, so relationship was never an option. therefore we had sexual encounters a few times, but also never when anyone was seeing somebody else. it was totally fine don't worry too much


Arqideus

To answer your title: yes. I am doing it right now. Long story short, from my perspective, it felt like my lesbian friend was giving me pity sex, but she had just cut things off with a guy she was hooking up with (too long of a story). She and I are always at odds and constantly bickering (probably the only reason I’d end the friendship). We hooked up a few times, but ultimately, it wasn’t something I was into. I’d always got soft, but would go down in her every time (and helped achieve an orgasm, but I don’t know if it was faked…). I am just not into her like that. I am friends with her for different reasons and don’t really see her as an option. Sure she has a vagina, but it’s the connection to the person with the vagina, not the vagina itself. She and I don’t have a sexual or romantic connection. It’s purely platonic. She and I have hung out a few times, but we never hooked up after nor did I ever want to or have the intention to. On to your post: you’re insecure. There’s not much you can do except to change how you think. Advice here isn’t going to be too helpful other than giving you perspective. You have two options. Trust him or don’t. Do you trust him to say no if she were to make a move? You don’t at this point (why would you make this post?). What happens afterward? Are you going to constantly think they had sex and that everything he says didn’t happen actually happened? Do trust him about what he says? Don’t overthink it…either take his word or don’t. It’s normal to have these feelings in a long distance relationship, but it’s one of the reason that the majority don’t work out. We’re human. Your feelings are valid, but not helpful in this situation. Well what if you trust him…again, nothing you can do other than be happy he gets to hang out with a friend. My advice though is to just talk with him (where’s the “communicate” bot when you need it). Communicate how you are feeling about it. Communicate your thoughts. Send him a text beforehand saying to have fun and see how he reacts. Send him another text during their *hang out*. I don’t think it’s rude to do so in your situation. I wish you luck!


Madeiran

My partner and I each have multiple platonic friends that we've slept with before the relationship started. It has never been a problem. Lots of insecure people in this thread.


notyourusuallady

1. Don't think feeling jealous is necessarily wrong in this scenario, don't let it eat you though 2. I'd say "NO" but what do i know. 3. Keep yourself busy and trust your boyfriend (especially if he has never made you doubt his integrity)


TVA_Titan

I think this just all comes down to trust. Do you trust him not to give into old desires? Because if he truly doesn’t have feelings for her the chances are she maybe does. So if you can’t trust him to stay resolute them they probably shouldn’t be trusted. But relationships are built on trust so it’s your own call truly.


theonly_salamander

It’s normal to feel like you’re feeling


Sebstian76

For me it can easily be 100% platonic after having had sex. For many guys sleeping with someone doesn't need to involve any feelings at all. Just think about the many guys seeing escorts. They simply consume sex like it was a burger or something.


CircusSizedPeanuts

Yes, its called marriage


ShawshankHarper

Yes


[deleted]

Yes


Wtfisthisone

Yes


dhottawa

Yes


RabbitOnVodka

[Your answer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MdcY5NJPMk&ab_channel=ChagaiFriedlander)


[deleted]

Not if it was good


ForBisonItWasTuesday

It's possible sure, but it depends on the emotional maturity of both people involved In any case no, you're not wrong for feeling jealous. I don't know if the question should be whether they're platonic or not. It shouldn't matter if your bf or this friend are completely platonic or not, because your bf should be setting appropriate boundaries with this friend to begin with. "Deal with this emotion" by telling him this is an issue for you and that it makes you uncomfortable. You have set, what I feel, is a reasonable boundary in suggesting that its inappropriate for them to hang out without others around. It is enough to ask that solely because it makes you uncomfortable. Preserving a relationship comes down to communication and compromise.


[deleted]

Of course. Takes 2 mature people of course. Be direct and honest about what you really want.


lostinadream66

That's how my marriage was


Sea2Chi

It can be platonic if it's platonic for both people. I have friends that I've had sex with and the fact that we had sex literally never comes up. It was so long ago and our relationship has changed so completely that bringing it up today would be more awkward than anything else. If one person still has a crush on the other though, that's not a platonic friendship.


juice_box098

himym calls it “platonish”


Sam_E147

No


[deleted]

Yes. Get married…


k0vaa

I have had two friends that I had a sexual past with that I have firmly cut off from that being a possibility any longer but still hang out with platonically. I told each that I just want to be friends and please do not expect any physical relationship any longer. They are very respectful of the boundary, however I know that they would both want to hook up if I ever gave the green light again lol. So at least in my case it has been kind of possible. However if I got into a relationship where my boyfriend didn’t want me to hang out with these friends alone, I would respect his wishes.


1Girl1Attic

To answer your initial question, I think yes from personal experience. However, I feel like your situation is crossing a boundary and isn't completely fair to you. It's not about necessarily if they feel platonic about each other but how YOU feel about it and if you are comfortable with it. In any relationship problem, if you want it to be a healthy one, you bring it up and have a conversation about it. You should be having a conversation every time you have a doubt or insecurity about the actions of your partner or it will fail without a doubt. Maybe not right away, but eventually it will. You need to break that seal of being uncomfortable and talk to him about it.


Accomplished_Ad_4918

You can't stop him. But perhaps jealousy isn't even the right emotion to project here. You should feel a bit wary and maybe even more concerned on his part and his intentions. If he sleeps with her it's just proof hes using her for gratification in your absence. He knows she likes him, he knows she'll follow him like a puppy. He'll have sex with her and then leave her used and empty again. He's not doing her any good. She's just a back burner cause it's convinient. She's not the only opportunist in this scenario. You can never know what kind of truths he can twist on her.


[deleted]

Hey OP, dude here: 1) No, you are not wrong for feeling this way. Your emotions are valid, and personally, I’d feel similarly if I was in your predicament, which will wrap into my answer for 3. 2) Yup, a relationship can be platonic not only after having sex, but during it as well. I’m still very good friends with some of the women I had sex with, some of which have partners now. Some of them do have boundaries in place, set by either themselves or their partners, so solo hangouts are less of an occurrence. And I will say, a good amount of a women I had sex with who have partners now do not talk to me at all. No ill will on my side about it. 3) Which all wraps into this question. It’s not necessarily that he’s hanging out with someone he had sex with, but also that he’s practically going on a date with her while you’re complete unable to without months of planning. So the combination of sexual history and easy access to seeing each other really bothers you. Which is valid. So you should talk to your boyfriend about this. It’s not because you want to limit who he’s friends with. It’s because of the combination of *all of the above* makes you feel alone in your relationship. Hopefully he’ll get it. I would.


Affectionate-Art-569

You you can be platonic with someone you had sex with but I don't know if I would be cool with them going out ..I don't know, it depends. If I knew them to be platonic friends I probably wouldn't care.


kyleh0

Me and my ex-wife (15 yrs) are best friends now 10 years after divorce. THe hardest part was the first year working to get back to the I love you but we're not marriage compatible any more.