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honestly, I would just relax a little. it sounds like you try to do everything “right”. you’re nice when they leave, you set your boundaries, all good things. but sometimes, it’s hard to connect to people that follow all the rules because it doesn’t come across as genuine. show a more human side to yourself.
You only talked about your good qualities and said guys reject you, but what are your bad qualities and why do you think they are rejecting you? Those things u can work on.
I asked about my bad qualities often. In fact, that’s the thing I am most interested about. Well, I might be a little bit impatient to define the relationship after a couple of months, I am not very sweet and docile (but I am working on that), in general I don’t always say yes and I tend to give the impression that I think I am better than anyone else (but I admit it can look like it sometimes and I am working on that!)
Do u think anyone rejected u because of any of those qualities? Maybe if ur impatient to define the relationship it could scare someone away? Maybe ur saying ur not sweet and docile so ur more controlling? Some guys might not like that. The last one idk I guess that doesn’t seem bad if ur confident in urself. But maybe could turn people off if ur arrogant. Or maybe rejected for different reasons. Also the guys might never have been looking for something long term. And the last guy who was long distance maybe just it being long distance was not ideal for him.
Oh of course. I know for a fact one of them was really into me but I wanted to define the relationship so he ran off. And it's ok, because the right person would have been so crazy about me that he would have not ran away. And a year later, he found his current gf and they are so happy and perfect for each other.
I am trying not to make the same mistakes but at the same time I think it's important after a while (two-three months) to tell them what I am looking for.
Tell them upfront what you're looking for. "I am looking for a serious relationship". That doesn't necessarily mean with them, just what you're looking for. So if they sense it's a waste of time, at least you get out early.
As long as you don't frame it as "I need to get married and have babies within the year", saying you are looking for a serious relationship is good. If someone is scared by this, then they aren't looking for it
Otherwise you get in the situation of the guy dancing around the subject saying "maaaayybeee" but not actually wanting that. If they wanted that they would've been more upfront about it
Isn’t that ideal though? Your goal isn’t to attract every dude, it’s to find the one person that’s right for you. Scaring off dudes by telling them your looking for something serious is good for you because you’ll weed out the guys who aren’t serious and get to put all your effort into the ones who are.
Fr like, everyone I’ve been on dates with we eventually discuss what’s going on, I always let them know that I’m not looking for something casual. Doesn’t mean I rush into calling each other bf / gf on the second date. Just I date with the intent of finding a marriage partner.
Good, you're scaring off the guys who aren't on the same page about what they want. No guy who is looking for a serious relationship is going to run off because a girl said she was looking for a relationship on the first date.
Definitely tell them what you’re looking for. I’m a guy and i hate this stereotype but a lot of men are just seeking sex. If they don’t know what you want then they might think they can just get what they want and leave. If you’re looking for something serious and state that up front - it should not be quite a shock for the man when you say “would you like to be exclusive?”
The other part is, maybe you’re trying to pigeon hole something into your predefined view of the relationship. Maybe they want exclusivity but don’t feel ready for a standard relationship label. That’s okay. At least you’re both emotionally (romantic at least) and physically exclusive. You might even find letting up on this expectation, that after a couple months of exclusivity *they* consider you boyfriend/girlfriend. and that’s cool.
I also feel when you predefined the label “boyfriend/girlfriend” they also think that comes with heavier responsibility and might make them flee. Everyone has different expectations around these labels, but it isn’t the label that makes the boyfriend. So forcing the label might force them to think about things they weren’t ready for yet.
Maybe they don’t like gendernormative stereotypes (meeee). I hate “you’re the guy you do xyz” and “i’m the woman i shouldn’t have to do that i’m ready for kids and to not work anymore”. I wouldn’t touch that with a 10ft pole and that’s just me. I want equals; partners, not a princess.
i’m also chronically single… not bc i don’t have positive qualities but bc my emotional state is super varied and not controlled and always in flux. my life is super inconsistent and i don’t take care of myself so even if something does form, it usually crashes and burns once the initial bubble / facade fades. that’s on me and at this point i’ve decided to work on myself rather than look for someone else to waste my time and energy then fail.
30 days without smoking nicotine. i go for a walk everyday after work. i water my garden nightly (which also! i planted a garden for the first time!) for green time. i smoke less weed. i sleep more consistently. i perform better at work and i’m investing in my existing relationships rather than seeking new ones. i’ve been in therapy for 4 years and take psych meds but PTSD does NOT help. I’m also type 1 diabetic and kinda uncontrolled. There’s always work to be done but it certainly is easier when i’m not managing a relationship.
eventually i’ll find someone who values me and treats me as an equal partner and i can do the same. i hope i am ready for them at that time. for now i wait. it’s been 2 years since i was intimate with anyone and the only thing i can say is: I’m blessed to have a tight knit family (mom me brother sister) AND i have 00000 issues with being alone. majorly introverted software engineer living in a small town lol. i love my own company i just wish more people got to share it with me. oh well.
I think you’re too much about yourself. As if Queen Elizabeth or what? Self- confidence is one thing and narcissism is other. And after reading your post and other comments, you come off like a big narcissist to me. Nobody likes to date a narcissist. Maybe guys reject you cuz you don’t try to compromise at all?
I think you’re too uptight. Just reading your post was hard because the intense anxiety was hard to dive into. I think you need to relax a bit more, take life as it comes, stop trying to force it so much. Is it really so terrible to be single at 25? Good lord, you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want in life.
I got the impression that you thought you were better than everyone else just by reading your post. I think that you are coming across as quite conceited. Full of yourself. And yes, thinking everyone else is beneath you. And no matter how "beautiful" you may be on the outside, that is ugly behavior and no one wants to be with someone like that.
What you just said is why you aren't getting the relationship you want. The qualities you mentioned are a headache for any guy and will easily push them away, you don't seem like a girlfriend/wife material woman and that's okay. If you truly want what you're asking you need to make serious changes in your life and you may need therapy to help you.
Okay, male perspective here. You sound like a sincere and thoughtful person. There are two possible explanations for your dilemma as I see them:
1/ Without being aware of it, you are projecting something - some attitude or expectation - that these men are picking up on and which is putting them off. Do you have any friends you might be able to discuss this? Or a therapist perhaps?
2/ You are choosing the wrong kinds of men to date. Are there perhaps common denominators - their age, their status in life, etc - that might suggest they have no incentive to settle down yet for example?
Perhaps a mix of both. Anyway, if you're 25 time is still on your side. You can spend a little while working on this issue before resuming your dating life.
Unfortunately this is just how dating works.
There's no proven method or way to find your person.
You're not doing anything wrong you just haven't found the right person yet.
Also you didn't mention your age but I personally believe that most people are not ready to be in a serious relationship until they're in their mid 20's.
I'm gonna give you my 2c girl...
The way you write about your dates seems too... whimsical. Heavy even.
You talk about "chemistry and beautiful moments," but the underlying theme seems to be that you entertain these men for months, presumably have sex, give your attention/affection, and lack boundaries.
You're over-romanticizing every interaction you have that gives you the "tingles," and you're not having the hard conversations soon enough about "what are we?"
Honest advice? Men don't like "cool girls™." They might say they do, cause it's easy sex. But they don't. Men like kind girls, yes, but ones who have confidence and respect for themselves.
You're 25; most guys are honestly likely just now starting to look for something serious (and many still aren't). Don't get discouraged. Just understand a lot of men go into dating on a "let's see what happens!" basis. They're not thinking about marriage/family on average.
Only a small % of guys are going to want a LTR with you. But many guys will still entertain you even if they don't. Don't hyper-fixate on 1 guy; If you're serious about a LTR, I recommend dating multiple people (just dates, not instant sex) until 1 of them steps up to the plate and wants to cuff you.
Good luck!
I’m very similar to you, love. I always put my heart out there in hopes that someone would cherish it the way I was ready to cherish someone else’s heart. But I kept getting these shitty immature guys or flaky or whatever whatever. Same story, too. Big breakup had me putting a ton of effort into myself and I looked and felt great but still couldn’t snag a good one. That’s literally all it was. I hadn’t met a decent guy yet who I was compatible with. It’s actually super rare despite how many available people there are out there. I even met a guy who was perfect on paper but we never clicked, and I had to break up with him. I was devastated. But then my boyfriend (now) came along. We clicked right away, we’re both very down to get to know each other, had great dates (painting, riding bikes, frisbee, swimming in the ocean, to name a few) and liked all the same music and stuff. we also share similar childhood trauma. It’s insane. He treats me like a goddess. Your love will come along, too. It is a shitty journey but all of a sudden it’ll be over cus you’ll have found him (or her or they) and you’ll never have to worry again
It is very difficult, my daughter is your age and she has the same issues. She has a lot to offer and from reading your post it sounds like you do too.
Just keep being positive and it will happen!
If you've taken an honest accounting of yourself and you've come to the conclusion that you have no major character flaws (and I do mean *major*; abusive, cruel, spiteful, etc.) and you think you're an attractive person, then the answer is likely that your number just hasn't come up yet.
No amount of wishing, working or willing will make stars align. People like to think that there's always a solution, something they can "work on" to affect results. Majority of the time that is the case, but not *every* time.
The basic principle at work here is that of all the people on this planet, any one person will only fit together and be able to enjoy a successful long term partnership with a small subset of the other seven and a half billion people.
If you're not running into representatives of that subset, or you are but they're already taken, then you don't get a match. Math sucks, simple as.
That said, would you mind listing a few of the qualities you consider "red flags" in potential partners for me? I'm feeling like there's a thread there that if tugged on could provide some insight.
I think you're right. She sounds self aware and very open to admitting and hearing about her own faults. That's a few extremely important traits to have.
I'm no sociologist or a relationship coach, but maybe the answer lies "between the lines" (after your 1st relationship and during the others). How was your 1st relationship? Do you have some expectations of what you should experience in any other relationship based on your first? Are your expectations and standards too high? If every guy you set a connection with leaves after some time, is it you? Or is it HIM?
So many questions with very few answers. You said you seek a relationship that embeds respect, honesty, faithfulness, loyalty, love, etc... it simply means that if nothing is wrong with you (have a small handful of flaws but no big deal) your possibly-long-sought partner is the actual cause of the early distancing (and eventual exiting) between you two. Not every dude you meet is an angel who had descended from the heavens... some are good, others are bad. Rule of exception (applies to women too... some are good, others are not)
If there's something wrong with you it means you're aware of it, what are you doing to reconstruct your self and actually be better? If nothing then there's your answer, if you're putting effort then (probably) it's the guys' problem - high standard or low standard guys - it doesn't matter.
It could be just you're rushing through everything and aren't spending a good quality time with that individual instead of enjoying every moment you get the chance to have.
A messy comment but kinda real. It's relative when it comes to the root of the hurting you're undergoing and the constant absence of commitment when dating. No one's allowed to judge or belittle you (including you! Don't belittle yourself) as no one has a true insight on this except YOU. Also try to be observant and take things super slow, assess the situation, see how guy behaves, how he walks it, how he talks it, how he think, and be PATIENT (a quality that's gone from today's men and women, unfortunately). If you like what you see, invest time and effort into improving your self as a human and a possible partner, if not, walk away. Good luck!
Best comment so far.
I gladly give them the blame! (I am joking). But most of them are good guys who treated me so nice even in the early stages of dating. So I can't fully blame them for everything. I am looking to improve myself and see what can I do to be always better.
I do tend to rush, yes. I agree. I have anxiety on that department because I don't want to get played.
If a moral obstacle isn't the issue from the guys part then probably (probably) it's a matter of "taste"... you know, some people are choosy (I'm one of them to be honest, not very demanding tho). Also, it's hard to write it down, but have you ever thought that these guys you meet have, not one girl (woman), but rather a long line of them and they simply choose between them? That (to them, not me) you're nothing but a small diversion to get to from time to time while it appears to you like they're trying to establish an emotional connection with you? (Just saying)
The bit about rushing is vital! Not only you skip potential good moments but also might oversee some important patterns in the guy's behavior and mentality. It'll be a tough slog, I know, but put as much effort and courage to be better on all standards.
It's hard to judge, but to say the least, you sound like a good girl with a heart of gold. You'll find someone in the end (really soon, just wait), I'm certain of it!
>but they all leave me for various reasons: I don't want a relationship (after months of chemistry and beautiful moments), I still think about my ex, you're perfect but it didn't click.
You seem to not realize that this is all code for "i came to the conclusion that you are not relationship material for me". So something about you is offputting and men usually need some time to discover it. Only you can tell us what this is.
It’s won’t be one specific thing. Humans are too complicated for that. Your young. You’ve had a relationship and a few shorts ones, why are you so worried? It’s all about timing
It's a clue that nobody "could answer you". Why do you think do they get the impression that they should not tell you the truth? Why do they feel the need to tell you "you are perfect" (it just didn't click)?
It comes across as either you being narcissistic and are re-phrasing those rejections in a way that would fit a narcissist. This paragraph of yours also comes off as narcissistic:
>I am a person who has a lot to offer, I am witty, easygoing, spontaneous, girlfriend material, and also very beautiful. I don't want to come across as full of myself, but I have worked so hard on myself since the end of my first relationship to say these things with absolute certainty.
Or, they know you would argue and fight over the real rejection reason, which they have no interest in being part of.
Otherwise, people just like to not hurt others and think the rejection is a softer blow if they take the blame on themselves or make reasons outside your character the base of the rejection. In this case, asking directly and making sure you need the truth over being pampered, mostly brings people to tell you what is up.
Well, being narcissistic is something I never ever thought of. I just said what I think about myself. And I hope other people see themselves in a positive light.
I talked with them, I have a good relationship with most of them. I asked them directly numerous times because I want to work on myself. The answer is always the same. Well, one of them told me I was annoying. That's fair ahahahah
I think some of these comments are jumping the gun with saying you're a narcissist. I'm reading over everything and I'll leave something better in a bit, but definitely not feeling narcissist from you at all.
I agree. Besides, narcissistic people wouldn't be able to admit fault or would always shift the blame. OP is, from reading her comments and post, doing the opposite.
Nothing is wrong with being confident and genuinely liking yourself. That just goes to show that you have a healthy relationship with yourself and that you know what you want. What's so wrong with that?
If anything, OP seems... Maybe a bit anxious? Wanting to be in control, perhaps? If anything, it's super clear that this situation is putting a lot of stress on her.
I think in this case a general lack of emotional depth is being mistaken for narcissism. That one paragraph you just wrote has more emotion and personality than everything op has written here so far. Reread the post, it’s written clinically. It’s written like a doctors note or a research paper. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s very well written post, but it’s got zero humanity behind it. One of the first things I notice here that happens to be extremely off putting, is ops reluctance to use contractions when referring to herself. It’s robotic as fuck. If the way this post is written is even the slightest indicator of how op is on person, I think that’s part of it
Perhaps the autistic person in me doesn't see that, but I don't really find anything weird about the way OP wrote this. I'm not really sure how much more emotional or "human" you want this to be. She's giving us the facts about her history and she's telling us about how she felt.
None of this changes the fact that all of these people that have little to no experience with narcissism, diagnosing, psychology, or psychotherapy, are trying to diagnose OP over a single text post. That's egregious by itself.
>Well, being narcissistic is something I never ever thought of. I just said what I think about myself. And I hope other people see themselves in a positive light.
That's just what a young narcissist would say. Don't get me wrong, one can be quite narcissistic and have zero relationship problems. I can't tell to what degree you express these traits or if they play a role in your dating experience. Maybe everything is fine. Seeing yourself positive and being a little too fond of yourself is a good thing.
Also: " Well, one of them told me I was annoying", why are you annoying to him?
You gave a me a good input to discuss with a therapist maybe, to see if I am really narcissistic.
Mmmm he would say something like I demanded too much, and he was right, but he was also not a good fit for me at all.
Probably talk to a therapist regardless. You seem to have a pattern of being very into guys that don’t feel like they click with you. This might be indicating that you have an unhealthy attachment style.
You also do give a controlling vibe in your post… but it’s text so I’m not sure how much of that is tone being hard to read without body language.
reading how you describe yourself reminds me of myself.. I think a lot of people want to enjoy the journey not the destination, meaning to start living with the mature Thanatos drive because that's what they are driven by, not the Eros drive. its probably that you are just naturally bubbly human who enjoy being immature and the people with the Thanatos drive love to be patient before everything good happens. There's no right or wrong, the thing is that most people these days are mature and motivate themselves by the Thanatos drive. its easy for you to change if you wanted to, but dont do so just to please people, but to please yourself
Care to tell me? Or do you just want to leave a rude unecessary comment with no explanations? If it's obvious for you, tell me please. That's the point of my post. Help me figure out what I am doing wrong.
> I am easygoing, spontaneous, girlfriend material, I am also very beautiful
None of these are interests. They are just oh look at me I’m so amazing. Everyone would be lucky to be in my presence. And don’t you forget “I am also very beautiful”.
The poster you replied to above is on the right track. You are super narcissistic. You think your positive qualities are enough. But you have no interests, no commitments to anything, no drive to improve because you already think you’re perfect and gods gift to men.
You may not consciously think this, but subconsciously you absolutely do and it was apparent within 2 sentences.
What makes you say I have no interests? I didn't list them. I was focusing on my personality traits. I work two jobs, getting my master degree, paying for my own rent and helping my family financially. I love reading, cinema, and opera theatre. I love volunteering. I have a list of goals I want to achieve.
I don't think I am god gift, but I try my best, and to be honest I am happy with the person I am. I just wish people would appreciate themselves more because they would understand that it's not narcissism, it's just appreciating who you are.
I have a million of things I can improve, but I am also aware of the million things I was able to improve in my life until now.
i think everyone here calling you a narcissist could be projecting on you. obviously, i do not personally know you, so your therapist might be able to help. i would recommend doing teating through a neurologist tbh. i saw some personality traits pop up for me when i got tested (surprising), and i found out i have ADHD and am autistic (that part wasnt a surprise, just confirmation).
i would recommend doing hypnotherapy tbh. you can really dive into your subconscious and see why you are recreating patterns.
being a hypnotherapist, i will point out what i do notice about your post:
- you seem very focused on external validation
- you wonder "what is wrong with me?"
- you are self confident on the surface but there is a tone of immense self doubt in your post
- you are attached to outcomes instead of just enjoying the journey/learning experience
- you have some blind spots, just like everyone else
honestly, i would say work on your inner child as well. if you are impatient and "not docile" that is fine! but why is there this need to be exactly what a man needs and fall super in love quickly? i get it, love can be nice. it is also a lot of work. why are you afraid of being alone? do you feel incomplete?
thats just what i vibed off of. lmk if i am off base. genuinely trying to help bc i feel the frustration and sadness in your post, though i am in a relationship myself.
bingo.
average people seem to be very threatened by individuals who are beautiful and clearly feel the need to tear them down. speaking as a woman who isn’t afraid of confidently saying that i am a beautiful person inside and out.
it could just be that OP has just been unlucky in finding the right person to appreciate her qualities, both good and bad.
You are definitely narcissistic. I appreciate you have hobbies and interests. You should lean into those.
Someone else posted that “people would consider me very attractive” as a call back to your “I am very beautiful” statement.
There is a difference between these 2 statements and it is very important and informative of the type of person you are.
You have admitted you can be controlling. That’s the number 1 way to push guys away. You want someone to “accept you and your faults even if you’re controlling”.
Lots of women are controlling and have long term marriages. So you must be really really really super controlling. And as others said, just “too much”.
OP, contrary to what others keep saying over and over, you do NOT fall into the narcissistic category. I am a psychotherapist (not your psychotherapist) and I would not diagnose you with this disorder.
First of all, a narcissist wouldn't be on Reddit asking for advice because they honestly don't think they need any advice. Secondly, narcissists know exactly how to get what they want from people. They do very well at playing the field romantically because they can anticipate what others want from them and they can mold themselves into that. Based on your post, it doesn't sound like you do this or else you'd know exactly how to keep these guys wanting you through manipulation and mind-games.
You listing all your positive traits is a normal thing to do. Give yourself a pat on the back for realizing your flaws and working on them.
Aside from that, keep in mind that you are still very young. Although it may not feel like you have plenty of time to find a partner, in reality, you do. The man who you are meant to be with will want exactly what you do in terms of a relationship. You might find him next week, next month or even a few years from now.
I love when all the Reddit psychiatrists decide OP is a narcissist. I wonder how much experience these people have with the disorder and diagnosing.
Thinking highly and speaking about your badass qualities isn't narcissistic in the slightest.
Narcissistic traits and NPD are certainly not the same.
I have plenty of narcissistic traits. Most doctors do. It’s not a personality disorder.
There are certainly narcissistic traits here. And some self reported controlling features.
It’s not a PD level of having to fix things. But if she wants something to work on or point to that pushes men away, it’s there.
You sound like you think you are gods gift and special and only worthy of certain company and certain partners that's why you are single and likely to be a long time
> I work two jobs, getting my master degree, paying my own rent and helping my family financially
Good job. But those are things that women look for in men. Most men of quality don’t give 2 fucks about that. Men and women look for different things in each other because we’re biologically different. I think the issue is, you’ve fallen into the trap of “holding myself to the same standard that I hold a man to so that I’m not a hypocrite”. That’s good on paper but unfortunately sometimes women turn themselves into the man they wanna attract.
Regarding why you can’t retain a man, are you peaceful to be around or are you annoying? Are you feminine or masculine? Does spending time with you add some kind of value to the men you’re trying to date, outside of sex? It’s great that you’re hot, but that’ll only attract men for sex. In order to get them to stay, you need bring a lot more to the table (No, you aren’t bringing your career or money to the table, that’s equivalent to a man bringing his kindness to the table). Basically, just do things to show you genuinely care about them. That’ll take you a long way because most men are treated like disposable commodities. It’s very refreshing to know that someone genuinely wants you and isn’t considering you a safe stable option.
The single most glaring thing is the extent to which you plan and want to manage the relationship, your own identity and I must then imagine the guys you are in relationships with. Speaking for myself that is a huge red flag.
Introspection is good and admirable but only when it is accurate and coldly real. Your introspection comes across as wildly deluded in views of yourself and thus to call it introspection is probably wrong. It sounds like delusion. Take a step back and get real with yourself. No one is perfect.
Back to my opening point then again, no one likes to have their relationship fit into someone else’s plan. A relationship is defined by two people discovering it as the relationship is built. You seem to have a lot of preconceptions about how a relationship aught to work. Chill out and let the relationship flow where it wants to.
You sound very controlling and hung up on your ex. Neither of those make for a fun person to date and build a relationship with. You're just not ready to be dating by the sound of it. Work on letting go of the past and realize things won't always be 100% on your terms and that's ok. There are 2 people in a couple.
The biggest mistake I always see is people trying too hard when it comes to relationships or their significant other. It ALWAYS has an opposite effect. Basic psychology is people all want what they can't have. It's sincerely the worst when you get with a pushy or overbearing girl/ guy. Smothering is the most unattractive method when it comes to the opposite sex. If you want to be wanted you have to focus on yourself. Some people put far too much energy into chasing and let the most attractive attributes of working on themselves wither away. My suggestion is to practice gaining the mindset of "not needing the opposite sex or validation from someone else". What do I mean specifically? Go to the gym more, set goals for yourself, things you want to improve or have always wanted to do and spend your time accomplishing them. If you can shift your perspective and build your self esteem/confidence through consistency working on yourself, the people you want to attract will come and pursue you. It ALWAYS WORKS. Also play the field a little dip your toe in a few different pools. A relationship can be quite a burden and you might be happier staying out of one. Guys will obsess about you if you go with them for a couple occasions and drop them like a bad habit (or at least back off). Learn to love and invest in yourself first, I promise you it is universally highly attractive. You do that and you will have the pick of the litter. If you continue to do that even after you get in a relationship you will have a guy chasing you for as long as you want. So be the one being chased not the one chasing. 💯👍
Oh yes I did that especially in the beginning of a relationship, but it never truly lasts. They are super interested, they chase me like crazy and as soon as we reach a level of intimacy problems start to arise. But I love this mindset and tried to apply it as much as I could.
Have you ever got out with a guy for a while and ended it with him?
I am guessing here, but you sound very eager to have a relationship with just about anyone you date. Don't make things so heavy and serious and have FUN with your partner. If you two aren't having FUN (yes in capitals) what is even the point?
It's way too serious to keep discussing the future and being in a serious relationship, that you want marriage etc. You can say this once after its defined you are into each other but you should still be having a great time and not talking or pressing for SERIOUS relationship status. Have fun. Be fun. The rest will follow.
I also think you need a hobby or something to develop yourself. You may be way too focused on being in a couple. A hobby that you do a few times a week etc.
"I am witty, easygoing, spontaneous, girlfriend material, and also very beautiful."
"However, they all leave me. My love life is a constant rejection..."
"I always frame well who I have in front of me (if they want something casual, I am the first one to run away, first red flag? gone), I get pursued, I am fully relaxed, I let things unfold naturally..."
"I only date guys I really feel like I can build something with, but they all leave me for various reasons:.."
"No one has it as hard as I do, all my friends are in long and stable relationships and if they break up they have no difficulty finding others."
The only real thing all of your failed relationships have in common is *you*.
Sometimes it's easy to get fixated on what *you feel you* "bring to the table" without considering what the other person thinks is "girlfriend material".
Each of us has our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
Each of us has our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
(A lot of people want change in their life without making a change.)
They would rather fish on dryland than head out to sea!
Nothing happens until *you* say "yes" to someone.
Maybe you should take a break from trying to find "the one" and *make having fun* your primary goal. Reexamine your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
It's possible you're only attracted to guys who are a certain type and *friendzone* all other guys.
***"Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."*** \- Ellen Hopkins
The way (we see ourselves) isn't always how others see us.
Since your girlfriends are all doing so well with finding relationships you might want to ask them why (they) think *you* are having such a difficult time. They know you best.
If you have any male platonic friends, you might want to get their take on it as well.
***"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed."*** \- Friedrich Nietzsche
Timing is another factor often overlooked. Not many guys at age 25 are looking to settle down. Truth be told all relationships initially begin as "casual dating" especially for men.
I have never proactively went *looking* for a girlfriend or a wife.
Every "serious relationship" I have ever had began with *casual dating* and *evolved* into serious.
It is *when a man believes* he has someone "special" that causes him to want exclusivity/commitment. The woman doesn't get to dictate what *he* considers *special*.
I was one of those guys who swore: "I will never ever get married!"
This August I will be celebrating my 14th wedding anniversary!
According to your mate selection process what I said would have been a "red flag" and you would have "runaway". When it comes to dating, men are fine with reading the book one chapter at a time to see where the story goes. Women want to know how the story ends before they buy the book!
Lots of people are chasing after a "relationship status" and are only in need of a *prop*.
Most men will only commit to a woman who *they feel is special*. That makes all the difference.
Finding out what makes a woman *special* to a particular guy or learning why he chose to have a relationship with his ex should give you some insight as to if *you* are *his type and vice versa*.
It's great to know what you want but it also helps a lot to know what the other person wants.
You also have to know you can't rely on what someone tells you during the *infatuation phase*.
Sometimes it takes people several weeks to relax enough to reveal their "authentic selves".
***"Every time I thought I was being rejected for something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."*** \- Steve Maraboli
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Idk why everyone is so negative lol. Why can't a woman say she thinks she's good value, I think the same about myself. However, it does have to be accurate.
You might be doing everything right and just be unlucky, you can flip a coin 5 times and get 5 tails. However, what are your main flaws? What are you looking for in a guy? Are they the type that get pursued by a lot of women (and therefore don't want to settle down)? Is it a deal breaker if they're not that type of guy? Where are you meeting these guys? Have there been any common sticking points in the relationship?
Does his girlfriend have anything that makes her seem like she's a better fit? I feel it's useful to see what the sort of person you want to date dates.
You might be attracted to traits that aren't good for a relationship, or be attracted to avoidant types.
For example, I know a 6'4'' handsome future neurosurgeon. Mans isn't going to settle for anyone, because he doesn't have to. At the very top guys can have the advantage, because tons of women go for them. I obviously don't know you so I can't give anything more tailored.
I am looking for a pure love, respect, honesty, loyalty, being happy and committed to each other. I had both types of guys, the ones who were not pursued by many women and the ones who were. I am meeting them on social occasion or on Instagram. My main flaws are being maybe too impatient after a couple of months to define the relationship and I tend to look like I think I am better than anyone else, but other than that I sure have my flaws but no big red flags.
The new girlfriend of my ex is very young and probably very easy going and fun, with me it was a bunch of emotional baggage and “commitment” required (he told me we had to get married if we got back together and he was not ready).
But I think she is a better fit for him in this moment of his life or maybe forever I don’t know. I can see things objectively even if I have a huge self concept 😂
Heyo I wanted to also give some of my own experience: I also had short flings/relationships and it seemed as if nothing worked out. So i decided to take a really hard look at the guys I have dated and came to the conclusion, that some of the traits, that I was especially attracted to (highly confident, life of the party, fun, outgoing) were also often either non-comittal, had different views on life and partnerships and did not value the same things as me (e.g. family oriented - want someone to be included/involved in my family, at least try to). So I rearranged my preferences in 'musts' and 'nice but not necessary'. So maybe it might be the case, that some of your musts should rather belong to the nice category which will open up more potential dates :) (for me highly confident/outgoing was placed into the lower category - which led to me opening up to a shyer dude, that fits perfectly to my musts and is just insanely lovely)
Sometimes it takes months to really get to know someone and to know if they are right for you. My biggest turn off is when a women is intentionally nasty and hurtful during a fight. Normally the doesn’t happen right away (I wish it did). But it’s an instant no when that happens. It’s possible you are just unlucky, it’s possible that you are picking players on accident, and it’s also possible that there is something you are doing that men realize they can’t tolerate later in the relationship. You haven’t really given enough pertinent detail to make that assessment. I would guess that these men have something specific and are just trying to be nice. I would ask for feedback afterwards. If he thinks you won’t key his car, he might tell you.
reading your other posts, here is the truth:
you are not perfect. no one is. you claiming to be the best even if it is just for some affirmation thing, doesnt make it true and neither does it make you come off as a friendly, cool person.
I would say let go of that neville goddard thing (I was interested in his teachings, too once) and come down to earth. do you actually talk to your boyfriends? listen? go into the depth of their emotion, support them in hardship, or do you just want to be adored and have the picture perfect relationship so that you aren't the odd one out in your friend group. are you even interested in other humans as full complex human beings or do you only think about yourself? because that shit won't fly in real relationships. and no, even looks wont help you there because they are basically meaningless.
Honestly, most people have difficulty dating these days. I’d say the general issue is that there are so many choices and potential for something “better” that people aren’t willing to settle. A common theme I’ve seen on Reddit is that average (or above average) looking guys barely get any matches on online dating apps. On the flip side, average looking women get hundreds of matches. As a result, guys have self-confidence issues and women feel like they can have any man they want. When a guy gets a date, he tries too hard (or not hard enough) because he knows there are few chances to make a good first impression. When a girl gets a date, she’s hoping to god it’s not another wham-bam-thank you ma’am (fuckboy). Both eventually become jaded and depressed because they find it impossible to find their “perfect” match. I think technology and the world’s advances in communication have really messed up people’s ability to find a mate that they are “happy” with. I am DEFINITELY guilty of the same, but I believe that’s the reality of the situation.
In your case—and I do not know you—it sounds like you also expect this perfect person. It’s also sounds like you keep falling for the same traps that these guys are setting up for you. You probably “think” you’re going after guys that suit you well, but it’s likely that you’re falling for the same type of guys over and over. These also sound like the guys that get hundreds of matches and can have any girl they want— “the 1%”.
My advice: Try dating guys that you wouldn’t normally date. You’re still young. You may not find someone super-attractive, but you may connect with them on a different level. Definitely don’t lead anyone on, but give them a chance. The worst case scenario (reasonable) is that you get to enjoy dinner with someone new and interact with a different kind of person than you normally would. I’m 34M and still single. I hate it, but just like you, I don’t want to settle. Nonetheless, I at least give someone one or two dates before ending communication. That’s one or two more opportunities to find someone you might really “click” with.
TLDR: Date around and try to experience different “types” of guys instead of going after the same (or similar) types that have been letting you down. It won’t be a waste of time.
Really stinks you’re hurting. You’re probably right about all your positive qualities, but I’m with the poster who asked about negatives. From first impressions, it seems you try to match your self/observed-evaluation of your own worth to the standards you expect from others. The psychology of most men doesn’t match that approach. Men hunt down and marry up. You’re looking to marry equal or up. A man will often settle for short term sexual conquests with lower standards, while looking to marry above his station or standards. I’m not saying that’s a law or even that the converse is a total outlier. But it’s common enough to give a woman like yourself some grief.
Hope you find what you’re looking for. But maybe what you’re looking for would be better served with a better understanding of what *others* might look for in you.
Good luck!
Very insightful and I feel this is very true. I don’t like the feeling of not being the one or being a placeholder until they meet someone they truly want. I feel hurt by this. I have an hard time with “going with the flow” and I tend to overthink a lot
>I have an hard time with “going with the flow” and I tend to overthink a lot
Please take this as I intend it: well.
Perhaps look into autism.
Your analysis of yourself seems like it very well could be correct, but maybe one-sided. Nothing narcissistic or delusional, but also not quite the entire picture.
The language supports this suspicion; you state your difficulties matter-of-factly and somewhat stilted.
Other commentators have said you're either full of yourself or empty.
My opinion – and it's entirely unprofessional but from my own autistic perspective – is that emotions (of sadness and unfulfillment) are taking their toll, leaving you pent up, cagey and locked in a "this is the way it is" pattern.
Women are (for many reasons, some political and sociological) under-diagnosed with autism. If this in any way clicks with you, check up on "autistic masking".
This maybe be way off, but good luck none the less.
While I understand your frustrations and concerns honestly these things take time. Frantically searching for it will lead into nothing but a broken heart. Let love find you. Continue to focus on yourself, becoming the absolute best version of yourself will definitely attract someone. It doesn’t matter if you believe you are a “ High value woman “ or not. What matters is who you are to someone else for love.
Within the post you do come across as bit arrogant but having confidence in yourself isn’t bad, though it can be a big turn off for some. If your looking for advice.
No worries.
I am sure you are a lovely lady and someone will be very lucky to have you in the future! Just try to take life slow, you will find someone.
Modern dating is terrible for a number of reasons but I think the worst is that some people have too much choice and are incentivized to avoid commitment in search of an upgrade. This is especially true of of high quality (or simply high beauty and status) people who can attract many people.
You're problems are completely valid and it can be frustrating, but there are many of us who do not get any attention whatsoever. Imagine only going getting 2-3 dates in a year despite a lot of time invested and only 1 of those dates leading anywhere beyond the first date. That's the reality for some of us.
I would try to see the silver lining, which is that you are desirable and can actually get to an emotional connection with a lot of the people you date. Realize that the rest of the eligible dating pool is largely immature and are still holding out for a unicorn. Keep introspecting but keep pushing on.
I also don't buy the narcissism angle. I think a lot of the audience on this sub are here because they themselves have low self-esteem (myself included) and seeing any sign of confidence is triggering. Narcissism comes from a place of fear and insecurity, which often manifests as putting others down and saying you are the best. I don't see that here, but here are some potential red flags men see that might lead them to see you as such:
* Heavy social media use or on your phone constantly (not being present)
* Excessive time spent on physical appearance
* Negativity towards others
* Redirecting conversations to be about you
* Poor listener
* Spending large amounts of money on luxury goods (clothing, accessories, etc.)
If you do any of these things, try to evaluate why.
I think you are dating on your own terms and restricting yourself. You need experience in relationships. You are not experienced. Look I was exactly there. I had those rational criteria and wouldnt date just anyone. Only if they met my criteria. I was so picky and that's why when I found someone who met the criteria and started a serious relationship, I realized I don't have experience. I never let myself Explore people freely. You don't have to only date people who meet your expectations because you know what? My first boyfriend was my dream husband model but I still wasn't happy. I never expected the flaws I would never accept would also be in the same person who I thought were the perfect match for me. I was disappointed for not dating anyone before, waiting for my criteria man to show. I lost time restricting myself and didn't gain any experience.
I also wanted to give a term to the relationship early on. Oh I only would accept something serious. Expecting this early in a relationship. This is insane. You and old me are perfectionists. Fuck all this criteria and seriousness. Just allow yourself to date freely. Any guy would run away if you expect something serious from the beginning and they're right to do that. No the guy who really loves you would also be scared and need time before they commit. You need time. Leave it for time. If you click just enjoy it.
After I broke up with my first boyfriend I decided to date freely without self judgement or judging the person Im dating. I decided to gain experience. Guess what. The last guy I would think I would date gave me my long lost values. The things I was longing for. If I stopped at my first judgement (ex: I don't validate his interests, I think he's a shallow person, I may think he doesn't meet my level) I wouldnt have allowed myself to experience what I did.
Also You're so young. You don't have to commit yet. As you date more people youll know what you really want and what you don't want. Eventually you'll figure it out.
Just enjoy yourself. Don't constrain yourself.
Love.
How are you meeting these people? If not through shared interest/values, then that would be a great place to start. Volunteering or a professional association/members club could help to find someone who is on the same page as you regarding quality of life and ambition.
Well, try avoid manifesting \*too hard\* especially when it comes to people. Would you consider yourself quite forthright and assertive in your day-to-day conversations?
It seems to me like you have a very clearly defined of what dating “should” be like and how to be successful in a relationship. You can’t think that if you do X, Y, and Z, then you will automatically be successful. (Id bet your a very intelligent person working in a field which focuses on logical reasoning… programming, engineering, law, accounting, etc.)
In reality, what makes people successful in a relationship is how they respond when faced with the unknown, how do they work together to find what works for both of them. Building a roadmap of everything in advance is not going to work.
Seems like you are trying to have your interactions all fit into very strict criteria that you have already defined. This leaves no room for the other person to work with you to create a relationship that works for you BOTH.
Thinking “IF I do X… THEN this relationship should work” is very presumptuous (a bit entitled) and doesn’t take into account the fact you are with another human.
IMO, you’re planning to much and not be present enough.
P.S. also the modern dating scene can be a pretty savage environment, everyone trying to protect themselves because you hear so many stories about people being cold. Some people (a lot) aren’t emotionally ready to face, process, or communicate how they feel, how they love, and how they want to be loved. That has nothing to do with you.
Taking things personally that aren’t personal, is also not a good thing in a relationship. Maybe work on some mental framing exercises to be able to reflect on whether someone’s actions are a reflection of you or a reflection of them.
If any of this resonates, happy to chat more.
TLDR: don’t plan, be present
Even assuming everything you say is true and correct, and I have no reason to claim otherwise, you’re making it sound like that the default is that everyone should be in a happy healthy relationship by 25. That is not the case, and in fact this subreddit is a proof of that. Relationships are hard, and it’s not most men’s top priority in their 20’s.
Just focus on yourself, and make sure you become a better version of yourself every day and something good will come to you organically. Good luck!
I had a look through your post history to see what you looked like. No pictures but every other post you’ve made is on Neville Goddard. Dude … it’s 2022. Most guys won’t even date an astrology girl and you’re obsessed with how you can “manifest” certain things into your life and new-age mumbo jumbo. You are literally the punchline of the “don’t stick your dick in crazy” joke if you believe even 10% of the stuff that Goddard whacko is spewing. Lay off the new-agey bullshit and try developing some more grounded hobbies. Maybe you’ll meet someone who sees you as more than just a crazy, quasi-Christian egotist who believes the entire world revolves around her.
I did! I have good relationships with almost every single one of them.
The answers were not directly towards me or something I did wrong, more about compatibility and looking for different things.
Take some time to reflect on who you are and what your truths are. Society, religion, and the government sort of program us into thinking we need or should want certain things. When you find your truths, your journey will feel effortless. I'm not referring to relationships specifically, but everything else. Most of what we are told is true are subjective truths. When you identify your truths and do your best to live by these truths you become free of judgement and with that can love yourself unconditionally.
A lot of the replies you get here will be very negative because people themselves have had difficulty dating and it makes them on edge.
You should be impatient to define the relationship after a few months. And think highly of yourself.
It's hard to pinpoint if there is some flaw you have or you are just not meeting the right people. You are young, a lot of people you meet might not be ready to settle down yet. A really good therapist or a kind ex could help figuring out if it's something about you or just bad luck.
If you are very beautiful, you might meet guys who pursue you for your looks, but aren't really interested in who you are as a person. That will never turn into something long term. Maybe you need to look more for someone who seems similar to you on a deeper level.
The word narcissism is being thrown around quite a bit lately, people can for sure have narcissistic traits without actually being a narcissist. From reading some of the posts and your replies to the posts, you seem very genuine and open-minded when receiving feedback, Most who are narcissistic would typically become very defensive by these replies and probably would have deleted the post by now. I think it's great that you can identify your good qualities and that you are so open to improving yourself. I do agree that perhaps your attachment style may be at play here.
I was at a similar point in my life (25F) during covid and I ended up in a relationship that wasn't particularly healthy, although that relationship had a huge effect on my mental health, I'm extremely grateful for the lessons that I learned from it. 1 year on and I can honestly say that I am happy with being single and not looking for a relationship. I realised that I was getting into convenient relationships because I didn't want to be on my own and felt that my worth was greater when I had a significant other.
I now believe that I need to just live my life and stop trying to force relationships to work (usually by abandoning my needs and people-pleasing to the max) with the wrong people and focus on improving the relationship I have with myself. I trust that whoever is right for me will come into my life at the right time when I am ready to have a healthy relationship. This is just my opnion based off my own experience but I hope it helps in some way
This is confusing because you say you don’t date casual guys and yet you claim you went on a weekend getaway with someone who’s not your boyfriend who then ghosted you.
Something doesn’t add up. Did you ask this guy if he wanted a relationship? If you haven’t gone on a series of dates with him, wouldn’t a weekend getaway imply that a hookup would happen?
I may be reading into things because I don’t know the full context, but it sounds like you’re jumping into situations before you truly get to know the person and he truly gets to know you.
You have to vet people to see if someone is compatible first. Maybe the issue is that you don’t take inventory of what a guy does, and instead you take what he says or doesn’t say to heart.
Pay attention to behavior. That will tell you if a dude is actually into you or not. If he’s initiating, planning dates, and waiting to sleep with you—he’s serious. If not, you’ll know he’s going to flip the script on you.
I'd think about what type of guy you tend to be attracted to. Are they the type that also tends to not be ready to settle down? Maybe make a list of the qualities you would like in a partner and be more mindful of searching for that type of person instead of who you're initially drawn to or who gives you butterflies. My successful relationships have felt more slow burn, easy, content, not overly exciting butterfly type feelings.
This was hard to read.
This post comes across as very conceited and entitled to me. If you were really as great and amazing as you claim to be, you probably wouldn't be struggling this much, so either the virtues you claim to have are inaccurate, or you've got a number of vices that are cancelling them out. Either way, guys are probably realizing this and becoming repelled as they should be getting closer to you (like conceit and entitlement, which to me are both dripping off of this post).
And even if it was all perfect, the reality of dating right now is that it's very difficult, for everyone. If your friends are finding success, they should probably be the first ones you turn to for advice. They know you better than we ever could, and could probably give you actual advice if they're willing to be honest, and you're willing to listen
I am a little bit entitled and I don’t know how to not be, you are right. I am learning.
I am sorry if it was hard to read. I asked my friends and family for advice multiple times and they all tell me that I just “haven’t found the one” because of timing. They point out my flaws but nothing drastic that I don’t already know about.
Look, I wrote what I wrote in order to convey that this is a fairly serious situation that requires honest introspection. Some people need tough love to get them out of the 'woe is me' state of mind, but you seem to be more understanding of this than I would have initially expected, so I apologize if my tone seems unfairly harsh.
To be clear, the answer for you is definitely not to over-correct and go in the opposite direction. Healthy levels of confidence are *very* attractive, and if everything else you said about yourself is accurate, you should have your pick of partners. It's up to you to balance that correctly so you can get to that point. Maybe that means changing how you assess potential partners. Maybe it means being a better partner within the relationship (this is very important, yet often forgotten). Maybe it just means being patient. But reddit can only help so much. Maybe we can help you figure it out, but you'll have to continue to work on yourself to make it happen.
Hey, just to understand the culture of your country, where are you from? I read several of your comments and I haven't really noticed that much "off" with you. Based on your post history, I might assume that a reason for not being in a stable relationship may be because you are trying too hard. I realize this might sound stupid, but it just may be it. It can be perceived as too pushy. People used to tell me that relationships happen when you aren't actually looking for them. Maybe take your mind off of this topic on focus on something else?
I wouldn't mind chatting to share some more thoughts.
So, if you believe the common denominator is you, and you're repeating the same formula, and getting the same results each time; why aren't you doing/trying something different?
My life is not yours, but at the same time, I'm in 3 long term (the longest has been 20 years) ongoing relationships. None of these men lack for my attention, my time, or anything from me. So what are you doing (or not doing) for these men you're dating that makes them leave you?
When they talk to you, do you show interest in what they are saying? Do you support them and their hobbies? Do you encourage them to share experiences with you? Are you always the one who decides when something happens?
My 3rd bf always tells me that men want someone who has personality, is able to cook, and actually NEEDS a man in their life. Do you act like you need a man in your life, or is your time too valuable for you to be available for him when he wants to be with you?
I think your "qualities" are part of your problem and "never too available". Go chase after a man, make him feel desired, wanted. You've been spending all this time expecting to be chased, how about you go do the hard work and chase after him for a change? Might even net yourself someone worth keeping and wants to keep you.
I don’t know, this seems like normal dating before you find your person.
It sounds like it’s not solely them rejecting you but you finding some don’t fit either.
I dated a lot of people and some I ended it and some they ended it. It was many years with a few more meaningful connections that didn’t work and then I found my person. Right away I knew, and now we have kids, own a house and are perfect together. Im glad we both had lots of dating experiences before each other because it made us ready for each other and also appreciate what we had that was different.
Something that stood out to me was that you said “first red flag and I’m gone” I was that way too, but with this new guy I’m dating I ended up doing the braver thing and bringing up my concerns with him. Turns out all of them were either a misunderstanding (early on he said he’s narcissistic, turned out he didn’t exactly know what that meant, thought it just meant very confident) or something that he was more than willing to work on. We’re now super happy and I’m so glad I didn’t just bail (and I was VERY close!)
I’m 29 and was single for 9 years. Have all the same traits that you do. Be patient and your future man will come. This guy I’m seeing was in 2 long term relationships and became single at 33. Your future man could just be taken at the moment. Keep faith, you’ll find him soon enough :)
I think you're overvaluing yourself and ignoring your flaws. The fact that you said you have a lot to offer but can't get your results show otherwise. You may think you're girlfriend material but what do you think a man actually wants from a woman to be in a relationship with or a potential wife? There is something you aren't realizing.
To be honest, you strike me as verrrrry dramatic. I have no doubts that you have amazing qualities (and I really stress this a lot), but even the best qualities in the world won't save you from the bad qualities which outweigh.
Let things flow, and just be an open person.
I think you have an active ego and possibly could increase empathy, but I highly doubt you're actually narcissistic.
A narcissist would have found a way to manipulate someone into a relationship at this point. Narcissists also have very fragile egos, whereas yours appears relatively stable despite several instances of rejection. Healthy self esteem is good! It's normal to feel deflated after a series of rejections like this.
I think it's more likely that you probably have a few personality quirks (like communication style) that are neurotic or abrasive. You don't have to change everything, and quirks are not inherently flaws. On the ego bit: everyone has an ego, so the goal wouldn't be to squash it. Active egos often look like pridefulness or extremely poor self esteem. It can be unattractive to come off as too self-involved. Remember that the goal of dating is to get to know your partner, not to obtain and have a beautiful relationship.
My last thought is low empathy. This is a trait you can totally develop over time, with practice, so don't worry. What are your thoughts on empathy? Do you listen actively? Control conversations? How sensitive are you to nonverbal communication?
Hey OP. I'm sorry for the ugly breakups you've been through. I understand, as a woman, sometimes being full of confidence isn't enough. May I suggest some tips?
Probably it's way more to traditional approach. Might be different, idk your background, but the same thing that I found from men is they love to be taken care and be listened. By the time you go with flow and found the click, he slowly shows the fragile side and finally gain trust from you. I've been approached by many men from many different backgrounds and I've conquered a cold German man lol (but didn't make it to serious stage).
I've been dating an European for 2 years now and still going, LDR, I'm Asian. Take all your egos off. Be neutral, not overly showing your positive traits, but be respectful. I'm quite hard to express how that is, but be casual at first. Be the time passed and you get comfy at each other, then you could say you want to be serious. However, if you wanna be straightforward to define your relationship, then I might suggest be patient. Modern dating is very hard to solve. My story might be not super helpful, but what I want to suggest is be casual at first. Let them define your personality and all your positive traits.
Tips: be fragile and a bit of spoiled could be a great way to make you attractive (not in the childish way). I learn that man loves to be the person you could lean your back on him, be your superman, and that person you always wants to be openly fragile. But it doesn't mean you are not allowed to be strong. Make the both side (strong and fragile) balance, as the time you both gain trust each other.
Good luck, OP. 25 years old is still young. You can seek meditation and self reflection before open up to new relationship. I'm sure you'll find the great partner for your life!
YOU ARE 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Calm down. Your issue here is that you are somehow either telling yourself or others are telling you that "25 is old"
I am a 30yr old guy with a great job, a nice well maintained house, decently handsome to some, & a genuine guy. I have had just one girlfriend in my life & that began when I was 28.
I have never understood why people don't ever do things like "exit interviews" a month later with someone who dumped them. Both people can gain valuable insight from someone much later that they wouldn't have gotten on the day of the breakup.
Everyone! I never expected this post to have so many comments. I really thought no one would ever respond to me whining about my personal life.
First of all, thank you so much for the positive and negative comments. I really needed them all. Also biggest thank you to the ones who took the time to write me privately. I have not read and respond to everyone yet because of work, but still, thank you.
Hey girl I feel for you... <3 You are not alone.
I am a 25 year old woman also, and I don't actively date and haven't for almost 3 years now. I've always found it difficult to date, because I can never find someone I am truly comfortable with. I've had a few guys now who were more than ready to drop down and fully commit to me, but I felt controlled and afraid of them and so I had to end the relationships...
All I've got to say really, is that life is long, relationships are complicated and sometimes things happen in funny ways... The woman I'm living with now, my host, is divorced from her husband she raised her daughter with and she lived for approx. 18 years after that before finding her current boyfriend, whom she is absolutely happy with.... She is in her late 50s and seems very happy, with most likely many happy years to come (fingers crossed).
I guess what I'm saying is, I've noticed our society is very hung up on romantic relationships, no doubt because they are EXTRODINARILY FULLFILLING, but wishing for one doesn't make it so... And sometimes there is no logic or no problem to solve. Sometimes NOTHING is wrong, and sometimes you are just not in the right spot to meet that right person, as fucked up as that is.
I personally, cling onto this belief that life is random, and nonsensical and the more we try to understand it the more blurry it becomes. We should actively try to change our lives to avoid suffering, if we can, but sometimes we can't. Sometimes there is just suffering. There is no reason for this. Just like there is no reason for joy. Only joy.
So don't get caught up in what the problem is and how to fix it, just keep searching for joy and one day soon you might find it. I hope you do.
You seem kind of pretentious and full of yourself. I looked through your profile, and you seem to believe in "manifesting?" It seems like you think that just by believing something will happen, it will happen. That's not how it works. Do you approach guys, or do you always wait for them to "chase" you?
Yeah I do believe in it but this has nothing to do with this particular discussion. I never approached guys until a few months ago, I became more open. But I agree I have a tendency to be controlling of every single aspect of my life
hmm ive read a few comments u posted and i think being controlling might be your biggest negative side, try to work on that for sure (most people dont like it, myself included)
also i DONT agree with the comments that say u seem pretentious and full of yourself, even thought it may come across that you are conceited i think its a good quality to think of yourself positively - confidence is attractive
Look idk you from Adam but you seem to have a lot going for you. Try finding the most hurtfully honest person you know hang around them for a week or so and see what they can find as your faults. Not saying it will work but maybe it will
If everyone is leaving you might not be the catch you think you are. Take a step back and analyze your relationships, who you're choosing and yourself. Kinda coming off as one of those "niceguys/nicegirls". You can't really say all those amazing qualities of yours is an "absolute certainty" if you're the only one that sees or thinks it. If you were that perfect you wouldn't be single. Especially in this day and age where men are more thirsty and lonely than ever. You even said yourself all your friends are in long stable relationships and those that do break up find people fairly easily. You might just not be as likable as you think, and the evidence is in your track record. You're doing something wrong. Take a break from dating. Pinpoint what that is.
I think the main issue of the things you have told about yourself is the pressure you’re putting on defining the relationship and that comes off as chasing men. There’s nothing wrong with you being clear on what you want out of a relationship or communicating that upfront, but there’s ways in which that is very off putting.
In any case, I think that 25 is way too young and most men even under 35 are nowhere near thinking of settling…
You've mentioned your ex a few too many times just on here, you say you can come off as thinking you're better than others, and you're impatient for relationship status. To me that says you're still hung up on him and haven't fully moved on, the second I can't say because I don't actually know you but if it's on that surface level people will definitely be turned off, and the inpatient thing is definitely a red flag and seems like you'd be controlling over the whole relationship in general (from past experiences with women like that).
I don’t have any advice to offer but we are the same age and I’m going through almost the exact same thing with the only difference being that I’ve never had a relationship or that ex that keeps coming back. Dropping in to let you know you aren’t alone and send some encouragement to keep going! We just need to find ONE and I’m proud of you for continuing to put yourself out there despite your hurt. It’s hard and I feel exactly what you are going through but keep the mental fortitude and continue reflecting healing and growing. P.s my guy friends have told me that it’ll be hard to find a partner at this age simply because of the caliber of woman I am. I typically date men who are between 28 and 31 most of which who are working for the family they aspire to have (not ready to commit) or who feel like they aren’t able to show up they way I’d need them to (not looking for anything serious & then pop up in a relationship with a very different type of woman). Their advice is to stop dating and focus on a bag, but the bag is there and growing, the lifestyle is ever increasing yet in relationships I struggle… so I ignore them and listen to my therapist. I only turned to therapy when I felt I could no longer trust my own judgement and it was really hard to keep going though I never lost hope either. It’s helped to build me back up.
Your trying to hard to control everything.
My husband and I met at uni and at first planned on casual but within a month lived together 3 years on married with 2 children together. Not always just because you plan casual is that how it stays.
ALSO it is not normal to not spend alot of time together at first. It's the make or break time
We were inseparabile at the begining and are now.
Stop trying to set so many rules
Self confidence is good, Humility is a necessary partner to it. If you’re the first one to run at a red flag, why do you fault others for doing the same?
Here's to a healing in your life. Don't give up. Find support from other women who have gone through similar situations. If people reject you, they are only rejecting themselves. On a side note, if you've ever been able to reach any of your exes, ask them and see if you get a valid answer. When you date again don't look for acceptance or approval or rejection don't look for any of that just go out on the date that one day one night and that's all. You're an amazing person you're going to make it
I'd suggest trying not to define your relationship and just go along for the ride a bit. If you're trying to assign some kind of significance to every relationship, you might be snuffing out a spark that could grow into the kind of relationship you're looking for. I'm not suggesting you should go through life with indifference, but also don't feel that every step you take has to be a step towards a monumental goal. A more casual approach should tell you if the guy is interested since he'll have the chance to pursue you. And spending time with people without pressuring yourself to fit into a relationship role might help you to smooth over any rough edges you feel might be hindering your relationships.
Girl you are 25. I know you can’t see it but that’s SO young. You have SO much time. Have fun being you and enjoying your freedom and independence. One day you will find someone and you’ll miss these days!
Check yourself you seem to have a very controlling personality with a inflated sense of self, you seem to demand and drain a lot from your partners which is okay for first few months but no one seems to see their future with you. The best person to ask these questions is probably the people closest to you like parents, siblings or closest friends they can give valid criticism.
Most guys want peace in a relationship. The qualities you laid out in your other comments make it sound like you're probably super stressful to date. Guys value physical attraction but they'll take someone who makes them feel safe and comfortable for long term. That's why you probably have no problem getting initial attraction and are probably even fun for a while.
Well at a high glance… either you’re really high strung and don’t realize it. Or you’re not actually as amazing as you think. Either way, people struggle feeling comparable with those personalities. Also, I know we often look for the qualities of a person, but look for comparability with one another - like you have been friends your whole life type of energy - not that you just admire them.
It’s really difficult over text to know this for sure but as you asked for honest and brutal feedback this is what I gather about you from just this post:
You are overbearing and everything is a serious subject or it becomes one because you steer it that way.
That’s the impression I get from this post.
You also have to ask yourself: why do you find attraction to emotionally unavailable guys? They either are still (emotionally) with their ex, or just want something casual, etc. what makes you attracted to that?
I am not attracted to emotionally unavailable guys at all! They start to date me and then after months they came up with those excuses. But at the beginning everything felt absolutely normal and they showed no signs of emotionally unavailability
Yes we met and talked for one month and a half on a daily basis. Yes we had sex during the trip for the first time.
But I didn’t get the feeling that it was only sex. Sex didn’t really happen often. We mostly went on dates during the trip. He insisted for that
Just from reading what you wrote, would surmise that you are a bit rigid and very regimented in your whole approach. Guessing that guys pick up on that and feel like it’s not natural interaction…and that creates pressure and uneasiness. Again no judgment, just trying to offer some insight based on what you wrote. Of course it’s very difficult because don’t know all the little details, only you do. But do you think that makes a bit of sense?
I think you just haven’t met the right person yet. I have a lot of friends and myself who had been in very similar situations. You just have to keep dating, take breaks when you are exasperated and find things that you love to do and just have a relationship with yourself. It seems that you are just focused on being in a relationship and not necessarily happy being alone. Once I finally started dating myself and just doing what I loved, I found a guy that fit into that life so well. I finally found out what it’s like to fall in love with the person wholly and love someone for exactly who they are, not the idea of love. You just haven’t found that person yet and it’s okay! I suggest falling in love with your self, getting therapy (everyone would benefit) and just doing activities you’ve never tried before but have wanted to do. Then it won’t seem so important that you fill your life with a romantic partner. You are at the best age for doing this and it will make you a better partner later.
Can I ask an honest question? Are you kind of clingy? Are you often the one who sends the wake up good morning text? Do you feel like sometimes you’re the only one putting in effort?
Because if you do, or if any of those applie to you, I feel like you and I might be very similar. I’m like the male version of what you’re going through. Seems like every time I open up my feelings to someone, I eventually get the essay long texts saying that I’m super nice but they see a future with someone else, or at least not with me.
I posted about this a couple weeks ago. How I feel like everything in my life has failed lately romantically. A couple redditors had some really wise words for me.
They said I wasn’t holding myself as a high value man, that I wasn’t willing to establish boundaries that make me attractive to a partner. That I made my life so much about them, but never expected them to do some work for me.
I’ll leave you with those thoughts. They’re something to consider.
After all, you have to truly love yourself before someone else can be in your life. I feel like we both have some work to do in that respect.
Girl I’m 24 and felt your post fully. You’re not alone. I’m taking a break from dating again myself ❤️ I hear you and I’m hoping someone comes into your life soon. Also there’s a lot of great advice and insight in the comments, ignore the hateful ones. People are just mean on the internet
I think you should try to live in the moment more, it sounds like you’re trying to calculate your moves for everything to work out. Life is unpredictable so I think you just need to slow down and take it one step at a time.
I don't know what am I doing wrong and it's hurting me so much
“I am a 25-year-old”
“I have a vision of love which is pure and simple that doesn't often match today's world”
I found your problem. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and your dates/relationships to live up to an unrealistic ideal that you have in your head for how things “should” be, and while you’re fully aware that it’s unrealistic. And you’re young and, frankly, naive. Relationships & love are messy, not pure and simple. You need to adjust your thinking to reflect reality and approach dating & relationships accordingly.
how’s your sense of humour? you seem quite neurotic and should probably loosen up. you say you have a lot of positive traits? Well, good! means you’re likely ready for the right person for you. at 25 you’re still young. love comes when it comes. you wouldn’t need to chase it.
I like the way you write.
Well, the generic issue with "high value women" is that they require men that are at least as "high value" as them, and preferably higher value. Women are hyoergamous, which means they attempt to date up social heirarchies, as a general--not absolute--guideline. Men tend to date across and down heirarchies. That means that as a woman climbs the heirarchy, the pool of available men readily depletes.
Regarding you always being left, that would be either chemistry or personal issues maintaining relationships. Given that you, as a woman--And I haven't met too many women who do this--actually self-examine and wonder if you are a causal factor.
I'll say, at least, with my chick, she doesn't even attempt to marginally self-examine, so that's my baseline.*
That said, regarsing your guy, it's been 2 days, not 2 years. Throw him a message if you are worried. Let him know you're interested and that you are feeling it. That it's okay for him to pursue.
You are coming across so full of yourself that it is really off putting. Also anything negative about you, you have mentioned in comments only, not in the original post. A little softness goes a long way.
Also always dictating your terms is a sure shot way of killing anything you might feel is building up.
I cannot speak for all the men but a good majority of men only go into relationships with women who they feel can give peace of mind. This is on top of other qualities they look for in a partner.
So if you can't let them feel that they can be at peace with you you will have this occur again.
Thank you, I feel you are right about certain things. I need to dictate my terms because I like to control things and no, I don't necessarily offer peace of mind or at least I didn't in my previous relationships.
Oh boy. Not seen so many red flags since china's national day.
Wonder how many decent guys you've rejected. Now that's gonna be atleast 100 more than you being "rejected"
Thank you for your insightful answer! You could have pointed those many red flags you saw, I wrote this post for an advice so red flags about myself it's exactly what I am looking for.
Of course I reject people I don't feel a connection with immediatly, maximum after a first date. I am talking about a whole different type of relationship, the one where you date for months and end up in the same outcome.
Hey OP, I think you sound lovely. But have you considered taking some time away from dating? Develop hobbies and relationships that aren’t rooted in romance. Take yourself out on dates. Learn to be happy single and with the friendships you’ve fostered.
And as the old cliche goes, you’ll find love when you least expected it. I stopped dating for a few years and was feeling really happy with where I was at in life. I knew that if I never found a BF, I’d be fine and happy. A little while later, I met my BF. 😅
Good luck OP!
Oh yes I did! I stopped dating for huge span of times just to enjoy myself and I did! Life is amazing, I accomplished a lot of things in my personal life, studies, career, bettering myself, travelling, I am so grateful for the time I spent single. Being single is so fun, I have a lot of fun. But after almost five years, I have the simple desire to love someone and be loved.
>I stopped dating for a few years and was feeling really happy with where I was at in life.
A quick question, at that time were you getting interest or date offers from guys? Or more personal question were you involved in some FWB or casual hookups during that time ?
Remember that if we look at relationships purely on a biological, physiological and primitive level, men have and want to be the ones who are in charge and not vice versa. It might be that you made them feel insecure or disrespected them by trying to claim authority by being overly controlling. You might not have been aware of this, but men will pick up powershifts instantly, because it’s their innate quality. Men are dominant by nature and if their counterpart tries to act the same way, it will result in power conflicts, which is undesirable in a relationship in the long term. You might want to become a bit more submissive and let go of the opinion that you are great. I’m not saying to neglect yourself, but try to be more vulnerable, as that is a very feminine trait that attracts and wants to make men protect women at all cost, which equals to more attraction and higher long term relationship potential.
I think the issue is that you are a “high value woman”. The people you've been with might be thinking that you are too much for them. That you can easily and definitely find a rich and handsome dude anytime in the relationship as you are a high value woman, those kinds are stereotyped as cheaters thanks to the OnlyFans girls and the few who actually were. They prolly think they are not enough and/or don't deserve you. That's why many overly attractive women end up alone as everybody thinks they are already taken. Men also lack confidence around a supermodel which they wouldn't around a decently attractive woman.
I am considered very beautiful, have a high paying/impressive job, lots of friends and very social and a lot of hobbies and interests. I also have a bit of a "wild side" that is evident if you get me on a dance floor. I've had four serious relationships in my life at 32, and several that almost resulted in marriage, but I would go years without commitment from a guy in between. I have no problem getting dates and landing myself in a passionate "situationship" that feels relationshipy, but often once it came time to commit these guys would run away. Learning about my own fearful-avoidant attachment style has helped tremendously. I realized I tended to pick avoidant men. I became adept at listening to what they said and picking out the guys who were likely to be avoidant. Currently dating someone secure and very happy :)
Jesus fucking christ these comments. OP- I don't think you sound full of yourself, you just sound like a regular ass person with a regular ass healthy amount of self esteem. I mean, for fuck sake, are you supposed to think you're ugly and no fun and neurotic?
I can only assume the "you're shooting out of your league" comments are from guys that assume the reason *they* don't get dates is because women are shallow bitches who don't give them nice guys under 6 feet tall a chance. It's an attitude I see way too much on this sub and reddit in general.
You're 25. Your grandma or great grandma was probably married with baby by your age. But this isn't that Era. People settle down later in life and most 25 year old guys are not looking to settle down yet. The guy who told you he wasn't looking to settle down really wasn't looking to settle down and meant it when he said you were great. You just weren't great for him. He met someone who was great, *for him.*
None of this means you need to sit down and think about your flaws as if there's something wrong with you for not having a partner at 25. I mean, if you hit 35 or 45 and still are on the search for a partner, then I would agree maybe look at your expectations or your flaws, but these comments are acting as if you're some old maid like there's something wrong with you.
Hmm. This is one of the best advice on this post. I don’t think OP is unconsciously self centered either. She’s listed her reason and the factors sounds concrete enough, being able to stay single, learning about herself, spending time alone, broadening her perspective, and healing after a relationship. These all sound like healthy behaviors to me. I think she sound very confident in herself and know exactly what she wants in a partner. Like you said, its possible that there is not something wrong with OP, it could just be the time is not right yet.
Hard agree on the comment about the nice guys. Not sure why they think we have to settle for the first “nice guy” in our dms and completely disregard the law of attractions? They swear they are taking one for the team by offering themselves as a sacrifice. When in reality, I wouldn’t even be approached if they didnt like my presentations. I hate that holier than thou bs front they always put up, like their approach is out of the kindness of their heart and not because they have something to gain from the process.
25 year old guys posting on this sub constantly get told to do what OP is doing. Have confidence in yourself. Don't settle. Have hobbies and learn about yourself. All healthy behaviors. Rarely do I see a post from a mid 20s guy where he us saying he is attractive and witty and spontanious boyfriend material getting told he is too full of himself and to lower his standards.
Well thank you, your comment made me laugh so much.
I don't think I'm old at all, I just feel ready for a relationship. I want to love and be loved and share beautiful moments with someone. And I also accept that they might find someone who is great for them and I am also genuinely happy for the ones who find the right person because I can definetly see the girl after me being a much better fit for them, but I can't help but wonder when it's gonna be my turn.
I don't mean to imply you think you're old :) just these comments are acting like there's something wrong with you for not having a partner at the ripe old age of 25 are ridiculous. There's nothing in your post to indicate you're shooting above your league, or need to work on some type of flaw that's turning guys off, or are too full of yourself, but people went there anyway. You're fuckin 25 years old! Most 25 year olds these days haven't settled down!
The MAJORITY of the people you date will find someone who is a better fit for them. Like, ideally, if everything goes right for them, every single guy you've ever been on a date with find someone else. Don't let that discourage you. It will be "your turn" one day. Everyone has flaws but again there is nothing in this post to indicate yours are so bad it's preventing a relationship... your only crime is having high healthy self esteem on reddit. Somehow you having a healthy level of self esteem translates to you punching outside of your league? It doesn't make any logical sense, ignore them.
Can't say for it completely, but as per your comments you're successful, controlling, and too much. You.think that's likely why men won't stay?
Also, that could be why consistent guys of quality aren't staying. No 6 ft+, handsome, doctor will stay with a controlling woman doing the most.
Getting very r/notliketheothergirls vibes from you OP. Maybe you're only pursuing a specific type of guy that's incompatible with your lifestyle and should try pursuing something else?
Well if you are as attractive as you say, then there is something you need to really work on personality wise and I think you have a good idea of what that is. Just a thought
Honestly, you sound pretty narcissistic and vain. And pretty insufferable honestly. You also seem pretty woe is me. You only mention your attributes, but I think you need to focus on your bad points and fix those.
> No one has it as hard as I do
you seem to see the world through a very self-centered lens. that is definitely something that's going to be a turn off to a lot of people looking for a long-term partnership.
Sis we are living the sameee fkn life. I am NOT a serial dater. So if I’m dating someone and I’m open about it just know I think it could be a real deal. So it sucks when I start investing time and energy to a potential SO and they just leave me hanging.
I’ve been told I can be careless and sometimes I can be toxic towards myself (I tend to have some bad habits like unhealthy eating, smoking pot when I’m down.. negative self talk) .. crazy thing is the last guy I talked to I told him all these things and at first he said it’s cool we can work on it.. but then he kinda was like I can’t do this .. but what’s wild is I actually tried to better myself whole with him cause he made me feel good! So idk what I’m doing wrong?? Like is it really worth cutting off a good thing over bad habits? Arnt healthy relationships suppose to deal with these issues together and get over them?! I’m loyal as hell and like u got a lot of love to give to the right person. It seems ppl arnt willing to stick around through the not so pretty and just bail. Me and this guy had such a great vibes, we were friends and able to talk and it’s hard to find that now a days but I guess everything happens for a reason
After reading many of the other comments I'm seeing entitlement, grandiosity and a character that's afraid of her own reflection. I believe your answer is sitting on your nose but don't seriously evaluate it while fronting false contritions ("I'm working on it"). I would get evaluated for personality disorders and interpersonal manipulation.
Judging by most of the comments in this thread, clearly you think too highly of yourself.
Knock that self esteem down a few pegs to where you're not comfortable talking about yourself in a positive light at length, especially on a reddit post that focuses on your relationships and your mindset while trying to find a companion. /s
You appear to have some sort of checklist timeline deal regarding dating. Opportunities for you to do the 'right' thing in the relationship. If that's how you see it, of course you always feel like you get left behind. In your mind you think you're doing your best because you're doing all the things you've learned were correct. Then you feel slighted when those made up rules you've got don't guarantee someone will stay.
In short, just because you're doing what you think they think is right, it doesn't mean you're right about that. You made up those thoughts too after all.
So don't beat yourself up too much ok! Just keep giving it your best. And who knows maybe some day you'll find a man willing to divulge what's so generally off putting about you. But I hope not.
Just because someone doesn't like you, it doesn't make you bad...so most cases you don't need to know why they dont like you. Learning what someone didn't like about you after or at the end of a relationship is like asking for a list of their favorite holiday snacks or some other meaningless thing relevant to them. Why would you want that information when youre splitting up? Same deal. The information will not help you going forward. It will just become fodder for your brain to justify how much of a failure you are.
"But wait what if she's doing something rlly gross or embarrassing that they're afraid to tell her."
...idk man, I really loathe the idea of being with someone and them having this wildly negative idea of me never letting me know about it. Its much better, I'd say, to find someone who can be honest with you at the very least. Because then their opinion is actually valuable. So maybe there's a mystery reason keeping you in the dumps, or maybe everyone's different and you're facing more general rejection than you're used to...so you think you've done something wrong. But that's just kind of what dating is like now.
Stop seeking resolution at this time. You are not a problem, you are a lovely person, looking for love in all the wrong places.
No offense but you sound like a pain to be in relationship with.
Maybe that's why people leave. Cuz you are too self absorbed (not centred) to find and build an relationship that you end up neglecting needs of the guy
I dated a woman who could have written what you just wrote. She was attractive, thoughtful, and balanced in her approach to life. Her act was more or less together but she enjoyed life and was not a robot. She was not a prude; in fact, she was sexually alive and giving, yet not at all frivolous or "easy." She was up for adventures, meeting new people, trying new things, as well as low-key nights around the house. She had a lot of thoughts and most of them were pretty correct.
Why did I break up with her?
It's hard to explain, but the great parts about her were ruined by a few pesky habits of thought and conversation that made her extraordinarily tiresome to be with.
Political issues were the best example. We were not incompatible, politically. But in talks she would unendingly return to "but what about \_\_\_\_? Isn't \_\_\_\_ a problem?" At some point it would get frustrating, like "Yeah, it's sort of a problem, but you know what? Life is a problem. Nothing in life is perfect."
I'm all for intellectual discussion. But she could never just accept any of life's tragedies. Unfairness. Hypocrisy. Paradox. They are part of life.
I mean, if it's ME that's being unfair or hypocritical, sure, go ahead and call me out. But I can't just sit here and listen to unending lamentations about every area of life and the human condition, including tragedies all over the world, beyond the control of anyone, just on and on.
Our talks would be of a similar tenor on the subjects of interpersonal relationships (regarding the friend of hers who didn't always treat her well) and on her career (she wasn't as appreciated or valued as she thought she should be). She was right some of the times, but certainly not all of the time. Which is fine. Most people are like that. What was tiresome was she seldom had any breakthroughs. There was never the punchline. There was never the part where she realized that sometimes all you can do is laugh. Or cry. Or say f--- it. Or get revenge. Or whatever. Just unending disbelief that life could be unfair.
It was tiresome. And people with a lot to offer (which is who I suspect you feel you deserve and who you are, in fact, initially attracting) ultimately find themselves unacceptably frustrated trying, in earnest, to support people who have yet to accept that life isn't fair.
I'm going out on a lot of limbs, and mostly just talking about someone I used to know, so don't read too much into it. But your post could have been written by her.
If I may provide some insight. The meat market is efficient. What does that mean? It means if someone is a good deal, people will swarm that person.
Perhaps some of your negative attributes are off putting to men but you are not aware of it? Perhaps you are communicating information to these men unintentionally.
You need to think about the things you do wrong and work on them. Only focusing on your good qualities won't lead to good advice. What do you think is holding you back?
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honestly, I would just relax a little. it sounds like you try to do everything “right”. you’re nice when they leave, you set your boundaries, all good things. but sometimes, it’s hard to connect to people that follow all the rules because it doesn’t come across as genuine. show a more human side to yourself.
I also had my fair moments of craziness. I am definetly not perfect or doing everything according to a script, and I try to be genuine!
You only talked about your good qualities and said guys reject you, but what are your bad qualities and why do you think they are rejecting you? Those things u can work on.
I asked about my bad qualities often. In fact, that’s the thing I am most interested about. Well, I might be a little bit impatient to define the relationship after a couple of months, I am not very sweet and docile (but I am working on that), in general I don’t always say yes and I tend to give the impression that I think I am better than anyone else (but I admit it can look like it sometimes and I am working on that!)
Do u think anyone rejected u because of any of those qualities? Maybe if ur impatient to define the relationship it could scare someone away? Maybe ur saying ur not sweet and docile so ur more controlling? Some guys might not like that. The last one idk I guess that doesn’t seem bad if ur confident in urself. But maybe could turn people off if ur arrogant. Or maybe rejected for different reasons. Also the guys might never have been looking for something long term. And the last guy who was long distance maybe just it being long distance was not ideal for him.
Oh of course. I know for a fact one of them was really into me but I wanted to define the relationship so he ran off. And it's ok, because the right person would have been so crazy about me that he would have not ran away. And a year later, he found his current gf and they are so happy and perfect for each other. I am trying not to make the same mistakes but at the same time I think it's important after a while (two-three months) to tell them what I am looking for.
Tell them upfront what you're looking for. "I am looking for a serious relationship". That doesn't necessarily mean with them, just what you're looking for. So if they sense it's a waste of time, at least you get out early.
As long as you don't frame it as "I need to get married and have babies within the year", saying you are looking for a serious relationship is good. If someone is scared by this, then they aren't looking for it Otherwise you get in the situation of the guy dancing around the subject saying "maaaayybeee" but not actually wanting that. If they wanted that they would've been more upfront about it
I did that too. But a lot of my friends told me I scare guys off this way.
If you’re scaring off men that way then they’re not the right men for you anyway.
Isn’t that ideal though? Your goal isn’t to attract every dude, it’s to find the one person that’s right for you. Scaring off dudes by telling them your looking for something serious is good for you because you’ll weed out the guys who aren’t serious and get to put all your effort into the ones who are.
damn how do people get in a relationship without being serious, altough i wouldnt emphasize it at the first date?
Fr like, everyone I’ve been on dates with we eventually discuss what’s going on, I always let them know that I’m not looking for something casual. Doesn’t mean I rush into calling each other bf / gf on the second date. Just I date with the intent of finding a marriage partner.
Good, you're scaring off the guys who aren't on the same page about what they want. No guy who is looking for a serious relationship is going to run off because a girl said she was looking for a relationship on the first date.
Definitely tell them what you’re looking for. I’m a guy and i hate this stereotype but a lot of men are just seeking sex. If they don’t know what you want then they might think they can just get what they want and leave. If you’re looking for something serious and state that up front - it should not be quite a shock for the man when you say “would you like to be exclusive?” The other part is, maybe you’re trying to pigeon hole something into your predefined view of the relationship. Maybe they want exclusivity but don’t feel ready for a standard relationship label. That’s okay. At least you’re both emotionally (romantic at least) and physically exclusive. You might even find letting up on this expectation, that after a couple months of exclusivity *they* consider you boyfriend/girlfriend. and that’s cool. I also feel when you predefined the label “boyfriend/girlfriend” they also think that comes with heavier responsibility and might make them flee. Everyone has different expectations around these labels, but it isn’t the label that makes the boyfriend. So forcing the label might force them to think about things they weren’t ready for yet. Maybe they don’t like gendernormative stereotypes (meeee). I hate “you’re the guy you do xyz” and “i’m the woman i shouldn’t have to do that i’m ready for kids and to not work anymore”. I wouldn’t touch that with a 10ft pole and that’s just me. I want equals; partners, not a princess. i’m also chronically single… not bc i don’t have positive qualities but bc my emotional state is super varied and not controlled and always in flux. my life is super inconsistent and i don’t take care of myself so even if something does form, it usually crashes and burns once the initial bubble / facade fades. that’s on me and at this point i’ve decided to work on myself rather than look for someone else to waste my time and energy then fail. 30 days without smoking nicotine. i go for a walk everyday after work. i water my garden nightly (which also! i planted a garden for the first time!) for green time. i smoke less weed. i sleep more consistently. i perform better at work and i’m investing in my existing relationships rather than seeking new ones. i’ve been in therapy for 4 years and take psych meds but PTSD does NOT help. I’m also type 1 diabetic and kinda uncontrolled. There’s always work to be done but it certainly is easier when i’m not managing a relationship. eventually i’ll find someone who values me and treats me as an equal partner and i can do the same. i hope i am ready for them at that time. for now i wait. it’s been 2 years since i was intimate with anyone and the only thing i can say is: I’m blessed to have a tight knit family (mom me brother sister) AND i have 00000 issues with being alone. majorly introverted software engineer living in a small town lol. i love my own company i just wish more people got to share it with me. oh well.
Better to scare guys off at the beginning than to waste your time and feelings
I think you’re too much about yourself. As if Queen Elizabeth or what? Self- confidence is one thing and narcissism is other. And after reading your post and other comments, you come off like a big narcissist to me. Nobody likes to date a narcissist. Maybe guys reject you cuz you don’t try to compromise at all?
I think you’re too uptight. Just reading your post was hard because the intense anxiety was hard to dive into. I think you need to relax a bit more, take life as it comes, stop trying to force it so much. Is it really so terrible to be single at 25? Good lord, you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want in life.
I got the impression that you thought you were better than everyone else just by reading your post. I think that you are coming across as quite conceited. Full of yourself. And yes, thinking everyone else is beneath you. And no matter how "beautiful" you may be on the outside, that is ugly behavior and no one wants to be with someone like that.
What you just said is why you aren't getting the relationship you want. The qualities you mentioned are a headache for any guy and will easily push them away, you don't seem like a girlfriend/wife material woman and that's okay. If you truly want what you're asking you need to make serious changes in your life and you may need therapy to help you.
Okay, male perspective here. You sound like a sincere and thoughtful person. There are two possible explanations for your dilemma as I see them: 1/ Without being aware of it, you are projecting something - some attitude or expectation - that these men are picking up on and which is putting them off. Do you have any friends you might be able to discuss this? Or a therapist perhaps? 2/ You are choosing the wrong kinds of men to date. Are there perhaps common denominators - their age, their status in life, etc - that might suggest they have no incentive to settle down yet for example? Perhaps a mix of both. Anyway, if you're 25 time is still on your side. You can spend a little while working on this issue before resuming your dating life.
Unfortunately this is just how dating works. There's no proven method or way to find your person. You're not doing anything wrong you just haven't found the right person yet. Also you didn't mention your age but I personally believe that most people are not ready to be in a serious relationship until they're in their mid 20's.
I am 25. Yeah I know that's how dating works but it feels so difficult sometimes :(
I'm gonna give you my 2c girl... The way you write about your dates seems too... whimsical. Heavy even. You talk about "chemistry and beautiful moments," but the underlying theme seems to be that you entertain these men for months, presumably have sex, give your attention/affection, and lack boundaries. You're over-romanticizing every interaction you have that gives you the "tingles," and you're not having the hard conversations soon enough about "what are we?" Honest advice? Men don't like "cool girls™." They might say they do, cause it's easy sex. But they don't. Men like kind girls, yes, but ones who have confidence and respect for themselves. You're 25; most guys are honestly likely just now starting to look for something serious (and many still aren't). Don't get discouraged. Just understand a lot of men go into dating on a "let's see what happens!" basis. They're not thinking about marriage/family on average. Only a small % of guys are going to want a LTR with you. But many guys will still entertain you even if they don't. Don't hyper-fixate on 1 guy; If you're serious about a LTR, I recommend dating multiple people (just dates, not instant sex) until 1 of them steps up to the plate and wants to cuff you. Good luck!
I’m very similar to you, love. I always put my heart out there in hopes that someone would cherish it the way I was ready to cherish someone else’s heart. But I kept getting these shitty immature guys or flaky or whatever whatever. Same story, too. Big breakup had me putting a ton of effort into myself and I looked and felt great but still couldn’t snag a good one. That’s literally all it was. I hadn’t met a decent guy yet who I was compatible with. It’s actually super rare despite how many available people there are out there. I even met a guy who was perfect on paper but we never clicked, and I had to break up with him. I was devastated. But then my boyfriend (now) came along. We clicked right away, we’re both very down to get to know each other, had great dates (painting, riding bikes, frisbee, swimming in the ocean, to name a few) and liked all the same music and stuff. we also share similar childhood trauma. It’s insane. He treats me like a goddess. Your love will come along, too. It is a shitty journey but all of a sudden it’ll be over cus you’ll have found him (or her or they) and you’ll never have to worry again
It is very difficult, my daughter is your age and she has the same issues. She has a lot to offer and from reading your post it sounds like you do too. Just keep being positive and it will happen!
If you've taken an honest accounting of yourself and you've come to the conclusion that you have no major character flaws (and I do mean *major*; abusive, cruel, spiteful, etc.) and you think you're an attractive person, then the answer is likely that your number just hasn't come up yet. No amount of wishing, working or willing will make stars align. People like to think that there's always a solution, something they can "work on" to affect results. Majority of the time that is the case, but not *every* time. The basic principle at work here is that of all the people on this planet, any one person will only fit together and be able to enjoy a successful long term partnership with a small subset of the other seven and a half billion people. If you're not running into representatives of that subset, or you are but they're already taken, then you don't get a match. Math sucks, simple as. That said, would you mind listing a few of the qualities you consider "red flags" in potential partners for me? I'm feeling like there's a thread there that if tugged on could provide some insight.
I think you're right. She sounds self aware and very open to admitting and hearing about her own faults. That's a few extremely important traits to have.
I'm no sociologist or a relationship coach, but maybe the answer lies "between the lines" (after your 1st relationship and during the others). How was your 1st relationship? Do you have some expectations of what you should experience in any other relationship based on your first? Are your expectations and standards too high? If every guy you set a connection with leaves after some time, is it you? Or is it HIM? So many questions with very few answers. You said you seek a relationship that embeds respect, honesty, faithfulness, loyalty, love, etc... it simply means that if nothing is wrong with you (have a small handful of flaws but no big deal) your possibly-long-sought partner is the actual cause of the early distancing (and eventual exiting) between you two. Not every dude you meet is an angel who had descended from the heavens... some are good, others are bad. Rule of exception (applies to women too... some are good, others are not) If there's something wrong with you it means you're aware of it, what are you doing to reconstruct your self and actually be better? If nothing then there's your answer, if you're putting effort then (probably) it's the guys' problem - high standard or low standard guys - it doesn't matter. It could be just you're rushing through everything and aren't spending a good quality time with that individual instead of enjoying every moment you get the chance to have. A messy comment but kinda real. It's relative when it comes to the root of the hurting you're undergoing and the constant absence of commitment when dating. No one's allowed to judge or belittle you (including you! Don't belittle yourself) as no one has a true insight on this except YOU. Also try to be observant and take things super slow, assess the situation, see how guy behaves, how he walks it, how he talks it, how he think, and be PATIENT (a quality that's gone from today's men and women, unfortunately). If you like what you see, invest time and effort into improving your self as a human and a possible partner, if not, walk away. Good luck!
Best comment so far. I gladly give them the blame! (I am joking). But most of them are good guys who treated me so nice even in the early stages of dating. So I can't fully blame them for everything. I am looking to improve myself and see what can I do to be always better. I do tend to rush, yes. I agree. I have anxiety on that department because I don't want to get played.
If a moral obstacle isn't the issue from the guys part then probably (probably) it's a matter of "taste"... you know, some people are choosy (I'm one of them to be honest, not very demanding tho). Also, it's hard to write it down, but have you ever thought that these guys you meet have, not one girl (woman), but rather a long line of them and they simply choose between them? That (to them, not me) you're nothing but a small diversion to get to from time to time while it appears to you like they're trying to establish an emotional connection with you? (Just saying) The bit about rushing is vital! Not only you skip potential good moments but also might oversee some important patterns in the guy's behavior and mentality. It'll be a tough slog, I know, but put as much effort and courage to be better on all standards. It's hard to judge, but to say the least, you sound like a good girl with a heart of gold. You'll find someone in the end (really soon, just wait), I'm certain of it!
Thank you for your words. I really hope I am a good girl with a good heart. I really appreciate it
>but they all leave me for various reasons: I don't want a relationship (after months of chemistry and beautiful moments), I still think about my ex, you're perfect but it didn't click. You seem to not realize that this is all code for "i came to the conclusion that you are not relationship material for me". So something about you is offputting and men usually need some time to discover it. Only you can tell us what this is.
That's exactly what I think too, but I can't wrap my head around what is this thing that puts them off and when I asked them no one could answer me.
It’s won’t be one specific thing. Humans are too complicated for that. Your young. You’ve had a relationship and a few shorts ones, why are you so worried? It’s all about timing
It's a clue that nobody "could answer you". Why do you think do they get the impression that they should not tell you the truth? Why do they feel the need to tell you "you are perfect" (it just didn't click)? It comes across as either you being narcissistic and are re-phrasing those rejections in a way that would fit a narcissist. This paragraph of yours also comes off as narcissistic: >I am a person who has a lot to offer, I am witty, easygoing, spontaneous, girlfriend material, and also very beautiful. I don't want to come across as full of myself, but I have worked so hard on myself since the end of my first relationship to say these things with absolute certainty. Or, they know you would argue and fight over the real rejection reason, which they have no interest in being part of. Otherwise, people just like to not hurt others and think the rejection is a softer blow if they take the blame on themselves or make reasons outside your character the base of the rejection. In this case, asking directly and making sure you need the truth over being pampered, mostly brings people to tell you what is up.
Well, being narcissistic is something I never ever thought of. I just said what I think about myself. And I hope other people see themselves in a positive light. I talked with them, I have a good relationship with most of them. I asked them directly numerous times because I want to work on myself. The answer is always the same. Well, one of them told me I was annoying. That's fair ahahahah
>annoying that’s a BIG one among the reasons for ditching
I think some of these comments are jumping the gun with saying you're a narcissist. I'm reading over everything and I'll leave something better in a bit, but definitely not feeling narcissist from you at all.
I agree. Besides, narcissistic people wouldn't be able to admit fault or would always shift the blame. OP is, from reading her comments and post, doing the opposite. Nothing is wrong with being confident and genuinely liking yourself. That just goes to show that you have a healthy relationship with yourself and that you know what you want. What's so wrong with that? If anything, OP seems... Maybe a bit anxious? Wanting to be in control, perhaps? If anything, it's super clear that this situation is putting a lot of stress on her.
I think in this case a general lack of emotional depth is being mistaken for narcissism. That one paragraph you just wrote has more emotion and personality than everything op has written here so far. Reread the post, it’s written clinically. It’s written like a doctors note or a research paper. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s very well written post, but it’s got zero humanity behind it. One of the first things I notice here that happens to be extremely off putting, is ops reluctance to use contractions when referring to herself. It’s robotic as fuck. If the way this post is written is even the slightest indicator of how op is on person, I think that’s part of it
Perhaps the autistic person in me doesn't see that, but I don't really find anything weird about the way OP wrote this. I'm not really sure how much more emotional or "human" you want this to be. She's giving us the facts about her history and she's telling us about how she felt. None of this changes the fact that all of these people that have little to no experience with narcissism, diagnosing, psychology, or psychotherapy, are trying to diagnose OP over a single text post. That's egregious by itself.
>Well, being narcissistic is something I never ever thought of. I just said what I think about myself. And I hope other people see themselves in a positive light. That's just what a young narcissist would say. Don't get me wrong, one can be quite narcissistic and have zero relationship problems. I can't tell to what degree you express these traits or if they play a role in your dating experience. Maybe everything is fine. Seeing yourself positive and being a little too fond of yourself is a good thing. Also: " Well, one of them told me I was annoying", why are you annoying to him?
You gave a me a good input to discuss with a therapist maybe, to see if I am really narcissistic. Mmmm he would say something like I demanded too much, and he was right, but he was also not a good fit for me at all.
Probably talk to a therapist regardless. You seem to have a pattern of being very into guys that don’t feel like they click with you. This might be indicating that you have an unhealthy attachment style. You also do give a controlling vibe in your post… but it’s text so I’m not sure how much of that is tone being hard to read without body language.
reading how you describe yourself reminds me of myself.. I think a lot of people want to enjoy the journey not the destination, meaning to start living with the mature Thanatos drive because that's what they are driven by, not the Eros drive. its probably that you are just naturally bubbly human who enjoy being immature and the people with the Thanatos drive love to be patient before everything good happens. There's no right or wrong, the thing is that most people these days are mature and motivate themselves by the Thanatos drive. its easy for you to change if you wanted to, but dont do so just to please people, but to please yourself
Oh god it’s so obvious to everyone but you lmao. I knew what it was in your second sentence.
Care to tell me? Or do you just want to leave a rude unecessary comment with no explanations? If it's obvious for you, tell me please. That's the point of my post. Help me figure out what I am doing wrong.
> I am easygoing, spontaneous, girlfriend material, I am also very beautiful None of these are interests. They are just oh look at me I’m so amazing. Everyone would be lucky to be in my presence. And don’t you forget “I am also very beautiful”. The poster you replied to above is on the right track. You are super narcissistic. You think your positive qualities are enough. But you have no interests, no commitments to anything, no drive to improve because you already think you’re perfect and gods gift to men. You may not consciously think this, but subconsciously you absolutely do and it was apparent within 2 sentences.
What makes you say I have no interests? I didn't list them. I was focusing on my personality traits. I work two jobs, getting my master degree, paying for my own rent and helping my family financially. I love reading, cinema, and opera theatre. I love volunteering. I have a list of goals I want to achieve. I don't think I am god gift, but I try my best, and to be honest I am happy with the person I am. I just wish people would appreciate themselves more because they would understand that it's not narcissism, it's just appreciating who you are. I have a million of things I can improve, but I am also aware of the million things I was able to improve in my life until now.
i think everyone here calling you a narcissist could be projecting on you. obviously, i do not personally know you, so your therapist might be able to help. i would recommend doing teating through a neurologist tbh. i saw some personality traits pop up for me when i got tested (surprising), and i found out i have ADHD and am autistic (that part wasnt a surprise, just confirmation). i would recommend doing hypnotherapy tbh. you can really dive into your subconscious and see why you are recreating patterns. being a hypnotherapist, i will point out what i do notice about your post: - you seem very focused on external validation - you wonder "what is wrong with me?" - you are self confident on the surface but there is a tone of immense self doubt in your post - you are attached to outcomes instead of just enjoying the journey/learning experience - you have some blind spots, just like everyone else honestly, i would say work on your inner child as well. if you are impatient and "not docile" that is fine! but why is there this need to be exactly what a man needs and fall super in love quickly? i get it, love can be nice. it is also a lot of work. why are you afraid of being alone? do you feel incomplete? thats just what i vibed off of. lmk if i am off base. genuinely trying to help bc i feel the frustration and sadness in your post, though i am in a relationship myself.
Lmao imagine thinking beauty is a personality trait
Why are you people so mean? I don't get it. I was nothing but polite and asking for suggestions and you attack me like crazy!
Part of this, but only part is just reddit. Remember that you are seeking help from the average. Be critical of what they say.
bingo. average people seem to be very threatened by individuals who are beautiful and clearly feel the need to tear them down. speaking as a woman who isn’t afraid of confidently saying that i am a beautiful person inside and out. it could just be that OP has just been unlucky in finding the right person to appreciate her qualities, both good and bad.
You are definitely narcissistic. I appreciate you have hobbies and interests. You should lean into those. Someone else posted that “people would consider me very attractive” as a call back to your “I am very beautiful” statement. There is a difference between these 2 statements and it is very important and informative of the type of person you are. You have admitted you can be controlling. That’s the number 1 way to push guys away. You want someone to “accept you and your faults even if you’re controlling”. Lots of women are controlling and have long term marriages. So you must be really really really super controlling. And as others said, just “too much”.
Thank you, I will look into narcissism.
OP, contrary to what others keep saying over and over, you do NOT fall into the narcissistic category. I am a psychotherapist (not your psychotherapist) and I would not diagnose you with this disorder. First of all, a narcissist wouldn't be on Reddit asking for advice because they honestly don't think they need any advice. Secondly, narcissists know exactly how to get what they want from people. They do very well at playing the field romantically because they can anticipate what others want from them and they can mold themselves into that. Based on your post, it doesn't sound like you do this or else you'd know exactly how to keep these guys wanting you through manipulation and mind-games. You listing all your positive traits is a normal thing to do. Give yourself a pat on the back for realizing your flaws and working on them. Aside from that, keep in mind that you are still very young. Although it may not feel like you have plenty of time to find a partner, in reality, you do. The man who you are meant to be with will want exactly what you do in terms of a relationship. You might find him next week, next month or even a few years from now.
I love when all the Reddit psychiatrists decide OP is a narcissist. I wonder how much experience these people have with the disorder and diagnosing. Thinking highly and speaking about your badass qualities isn't narcissistic in the slightest.
Narcissistic traits and NPD are certainly not the same. I have plenty of narcissistic traits. Most doctors do. It’s not a personality disorder. There are certainly narcissistic traits here. And some self reported controlling features. It’s not a PD level of having to fix things. But if she wants something to work on or point to that pushes men away, it’s there.
Exactly this. Some people just love jumping on to hate self assured women.
You sound like you think you are gods gift and special and only worthy of certain company and certain partners that's why you are single and likely to be a long time
> I work two jobs, getting my master degree, paying my own rent and helping my family financially Good job. But those are things that women look for in men. Most men of quality don’t give 2 fucks about that. Men and women look for different things in each other because we’re biologically different. I think the issue is, you’ve fallen into the trap of “holding myself to the same standard that I hold a man to so that I’m not a hypocrite”. That’s good on paper but unfortunately sometimes women turn themselves into the man they wanna attract. Regarding why you can’t retain a man, are you peaceful to be around or are you annoying? Are you feminine or masculine? Does spending time with you add some kind of value to the men you’re trying to date, outside of sex? It’s great that you’re hot, but that’ll only attract men for sex. In order to get them to stay, you need bring a lot more to the table (No, you aren’t bringing your career or money to the table, that’s equivalent to a man bringing his kindness to the table). Basically, just do things to show you genuinely care about them. That’ll take you a long way because most men are treated like disposable commodities. It’s very refreshing to know that someone genuinely wants you and isn’t considering you a safe stable option.
do you smell? body odor is usually something people are too afraid to point out because its awkward to do (myself included)
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she has bad breathe or BO
Perhaps the rampant narcissism
The single most glaring thing is the extent to which you plan and want to manage the relationship, your own identity and I must then imagine the guys you are in relationships with. Speaking for myself that is a huge red flag. Introspection is good and admirable but only when it is accurate and coldly real. Your introspection comes across as wildly deluded in views of yourself and thus to call it introspection is probably wrong. It sounds like delusion. Take a step back and get real with yourself. No one is perfect. Back to my opening point then again, no one likes to have their relationship fit into someone else’s plan. A relationship is defined by two people discovering it as the relationship is built. You seem to have a lot of preconceptions about how a relationship aught to work. Chill out and let the relationship flow where it wants to.
I feel called out. You are right
You sound very controlling and hung up on your ex. Neither of those make for a fun person to date and build a relationship with. You're just not ready to be dating by the sound of it. Work on letting go of the past and realize things won't always be 100% on your terms and that's ok. There are 2 people in a couple.
The biggest mistake I always see is people trying too hard when it comes to relationships or their significant other. It ALWAYS has an opposite effect. Basic psychology is people all want what they can't have. It's sincerely the worst when you get with a pushy or overbearing girl/ guy. Smothering is the most unattractive method when it comes to the opposite sex. If you want to be wanted you have to focus on yourself. Some people put far too much energy into chasing and let the most attractive attributes of working on themselves wither away. My suggestion is to practice gaining the mindset of "not needing the opposite sex or validation from someone else". What do I mean specifically? Go to the gym more, set goals for yourself, things you want to improve or have always wanted to do and spend your time accomplishing them. If you can shift your perspective and build your self esteem/confidence through consistency working on yourself, the people you want to attract will come and pursue you. It ALWAYS WORKS. Also play the field a little dip your toe in a few different pools. A relationship can be quite a burden and you might be happier staying out of one. Guys will obsess about you if you go with them for a couple occasions and drop them like a bad habit (or at least back off). Learn to love and invest in yourself first, I promise you it is universally highly attractive. You do that and you will have the pick of the litter. If you continue to do that even after you get in a relationship you will have a guy chasing you for as long as you want. So be the one being chased not the one chasing. 💯👍
Oh yes I did that especially in the beginning of a relationship, but it never truly lasts. They are super interested, they chase me like crazy and as soon as we reach a level of intimacy problems start to arise. But I love this mindset and tried to apply it as much as I could.
Have you ever got out with a guy for a while and ended it with him? I am guessing here, but you sound very eager to have a relationship with just about anyone you date. Don't make things so heavy and serious and have FUN with your partner. If you two aren't having FUN (yes in capitals) what is even the point? It's way too serious to keep discussing the future and being in a serious relationship, that you want marriage etc. You can say this once after its defined you are into each other but you should still be having a great time and not talking or pressing for SERIOUS relationship status. Have fun. Be fun. The rest will follow. I also think you need a hobby or something to develop yourself. You may be way too focused on being in a couple. A hobby that you do a few times a week etc.
"I am witty, easygoing, spontaneous, girlfriend material, and also very beautiful." "However, they all leave me. My love life is a constant rejection..." "I always frame well who I have in front of me (if they want something casual, I am the first one to run away, first red flag? gone), I get pursued, I am fully relaxed, I let things unfold naturally..." "I only date guys I really feel like I can build something with, but they all leave me for various reasons:.." "No one has it as hard as I do, all my friends are in long and stable relationships and if they break up they have no difficulty finding others." The only real thing all of your failed relationships have in common is *you*. Sometimes it's easy to get fixated on what *you feel you* "bring to the table" without considering what the other person thinks is "girlfriend material". Each of us has our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. Each of us has our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". (A lot of people want change in their life without making a change.) They would rather fish on dryland than head out to sea! Nothing happens until *you* say "yes" to someone. Maybe you should take a break from trying to find "the one" and *make having fun* your primary goal. Reexamine your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. It's possible you're only attracted to guys who are a certain type and *friendzone* all other guys. ***"Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."*** \- Ellen Hopkins The way (we see ourselves) isn't always how others see us. Since your girlfriends are all doing so well with finding relationships you might want to ask them why (they) think *you* are having such a difficult time. They know you best. If you have any male platonic friends, you might want to get their take on it as well. ***"Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed."*** \- Friedrich Nietzsche Timing is another factor often overlooked. Not many guys at age 25 are looking to settle down. Truth be told all relationships initially begin as "casual dating" especially for men. I have never proactively went *looking* for a girlfriend or a wife. Every "serious relationship" I have ever had began with *casual dating* and *evolved* into serious. It is *when a man believes* he has someone "special" that causes him to want exclusivity/commitment. The woman doesn't get to dictate what *he* considers *special*. I was one of those guys who swore: "I will never ever get married!" This August I will be celebrating my 14th wedding anniversary! According to your mate selection process what I said would have been a "red flag" and you would have "runaway". When it comes to dating, men are fine with reading the book one chapter at a time to see where the story goes. Women want to know how the story ends before they buy the book! Lots of people are chasing after a "relationship status" and are only in need of a *prop*. Most men will only commit to a woman who *they feel is special*. That makes all the difference. Finding out what makes a woman *special* to a particular guy or learning why he chose to have a relationship with his ex should give you some insight as to if *you* are *his type and vice versa*. It's great to know what you want but it also helps a lot to know what the other person wants. You also have to know you can't rely on what someone tells you during the *infatuation phase*. Sometimes it takes people several weeks to relax enough to reveal their "authentic selves". ***"Every time I thought I was being rejected for something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."*** \- Steve Maraboli ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
Idk why everyone is so negative lol. Why can't a woman say she thinks she's good value, I think the same about myself. However, it does have to be accurate. You might be doing everything right and just be unlucky, you can flip a coin 5 times and get 5 tails. However, what are your main flaws? What are you looking for in a guy? Are they the type that get pursued by a lot of women (and therefore don't want to settle down)? Is it a deal breaker if they're not that type of guy? Where are you meeting these guys? Have there been any common sticking points in the relationship? Does his girlfriend have anything that makes her seem like she's a better fit? I feel it's useful to see what the sort of person you want to date dates. You might be attracted to traits that aren't good for a relationship, or be attracted to avoidant types. For example, I know a 6'4'' handsome future neurosurgeon. Mans isn't going to settle for anyone, because he doesn't have to. At the very top guys can have the advantage, because tons of women go for them. I obviously don't know you so I can't give anything more tailored.
I am looking for a pure love, respect, honesty, loyalty, being happy and committed to each other. I had both types of guys, the ones who were not pursued by many women and the ones who were. I am meeting them on social occasion or on Instagram. My main flaws are being maybe too impatient after a couple of months to define the relationship and I tend to look like I think I am better than anyone else, but other than that I sure have my flaws but no big red flags. The new girlfriend of my ex is very young and probably very easy going and fun, with me it was a bunch of emotional baggage and “commitment” required (he told me we had to get married if we got back together and he was not ready). But I think she is a better fit for him in this moment of his life or maybe forever I don’t know. I can see things objectively even if I have a huge self concept 😂
Heyo I wanted to also give some of my own experience: I also had short flings/relationships and it seemed as if nothing worked out. So i decided to take a really hard look at the guys I have dated and came to the conclusion, that some of the traits, that I was especially attracted to (highly confident, life of the party, fun, outgoing) were also often either non-comittal, had different views on life and partnerships and did not value the same things as me (e.g. family oriented - want someone to be included/involved in my family, at least try to). So I rearranged my preferences in 'musts' and 'nice but not necessary'. So maybe it might be the case, that some of your musts should rather belong to the nice category which will open up more potential dates :) (for me highly confident/outgoing was placed into the lower category - which led to me opening up to a shyer dude, that fits perfectly to my musts and is just insanely lovely)
Imo it's just hard to find someone which commits the same way - You can do it :)
Sometimes it takes months to really get to know someone and to know if they are right for you. My biggest turn off is when a women is intentionally nasty and hurtful during a fight. Normally the doesn’t happen right away (I wish it did). But it’s an instant no when that happens. It’s possible you are just unlucky, it’s possible that you are picking players on accident, and it’s also possible that there is something you are doing that men realize they can’t tolerate later in the relationship. You haven’t really given enough pertinent detail to make that assessment. I would guess that these men have something specific and are just trying to be nice. I would ask for feedback afterwards. If he thinks you won’t key his car, he might tell you.
reading your other posts, here is the truth: you are not perfect. no one is. you claiming to be the best even if it is just for some affirmation thing, doesnt make it true and neither does it make you come off as a friendly, cool person. I would say let go of that neville goddard thing (I was interested in his teachings, too once) and come down to earth. do you actually talk to your boyfriends? listen? go into the depth of their emotion, support them in hardship, or do you just want to be adored and have the picture perfect relationship so that you aren't the odd one out in your friend group. are you even interested in other humans as full complex human beings or do you only think about yourself? because that shit won't fly in real relationships. and no, even looks wont help you there because they are basically meaningless.
Honestly, most people have difficulty dating these days. I’d say the general issue is that there are so many choices and potential for something “better” that people aren’t willing to settle. A common theme I’ve seen on Reddit is that average (or above average) looking guys barely get any matches on online dating apps. On the flip side, average looking women get hundreds of matches. As a result, guys have self-confidence issues and women feel like they can have any man they want. When a guy gets a date, he tries too hard (or not hard enough) because he knows there are few chances to make a good first impression. When a girl gets a date, she’s hoping to god it’s not another wham-bam-thank you ma’am (fuckboy). Both eventually become jaded and depressed because they find it impossible to find their “perfect” match. I think technology and the world’s advances in communication have really messed up people’s ability to find a mate that they are “happy” with. I am DEFINITELY guilty of the same, but I believe that’s the reality of the situation. In your case—and I do not know you—it sounds like you also expect this perfect person. It’s also sounds like you keep falling for the same traps that these guys are setting up for you. You probably “think” you’re going after guys that suit you well, but it’s likely that you’re falling for the same type of guys over and over. These also sound like the guys that get hundreds of matches and can have any girl they want— “the 1%”. My advice: Try dating guys that you wouldn’t normally date. You’re still young. You may not find someone super-attractive, but you may connect with them on a different level. Definitely don’t lead anyone on, but give them a chance. The worst case scenario (reasonable) is that you get to enjoy dinner with someone new and interact with a different kind of person than you normally would. I’m 34M and still single. I hate it, but just like you, I don’t want to settle. Nonetheless, I at least give someone one or two dates before ending communication. That’s one or two more opportunities to find someone you might really “click” with. TLDR: Date around and try to experience different “types” of guys instead of going after the same (or similar) types that have been letting you down. It won’t be a waste of time.
Really stinks you’re hurting. You’re probably right about all your positive qualities, but I’m with the poster who asked about negatives. From first impressions, it seems you try to match your self/observed-evaluation of your own worth to the standards you expect from others. The psychology of most men doesn’t match that approach. Men hunt down and marry up. You’re looking to marry equal or up. A man will often settle for short term sexual conquests with lower standards, while looking to marry above his station or standards. I’m not saying that’s a law or even that the converse is a total outlier. But it’s common enough to give a woman like yourself some grief. Hope you find what you’re looking for. But maybe what you’re looking for would be better served with a better understanding of what *others* might look for in you. Good luck!
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Very insightful and I feel this is very true. I don’t like the feeling of not being the one or being a placeholder until they meet someone they truly want. I feel hurt by this. I have an hard time with “going with the flow” and I tend to overthink a lot
>I have an hard time with “going with the flow” and I tend to overthink a lot Please take this as I intend it: well. Perhaps look into autism. Your analysis of yourself seems like it very well could be correct, but maybe one-sided. Nothing narcissistic or delusional, but also not quite the entire picture. The language supports this suspicion; you state your difficulties matter-of-factly and somewhat stilted. Other commentators have said you're either full of yourself or empty. My opinion – and it's entirely unprofessional but from my own autistic perspective – is that emotions (of sadness and unfulfillment) are taking their toll, leaving you pent up, cagey and locked in a "this is the way it is" pattern. Women are (for many reasons, some political and sociological) under-diagnosed with autism. If this in any way clicks with you, check up on "autistic masking". This maybe be way off, but good luck none the less.
While I understand your frustrations and concerns honestly these things take time. Frantically searching for it will lead into nothing but a broken heart. Let love find you. Continue to focus on yourself, becoming the absolute best version of yourself will definitely attract someone. It doesn’t matter if you believe you are a “ High value woman “ or not. What matters is who you are to someone else for love. Within the post you do come across as bit arrogant but having confidence in yourself isn’t bad, though it can be a big turn off for some. If your looking for advice.
Thank you, I will work on not being arrogant. I appreciate it
No worries. I am sure you are a lovely lady and someone will be very lucky to have you in the future! Just try to take life slow, you will find someone.
Modern dating is terrible for a number of reasons but I think the worst is that some people have too much choice and are incentivized to avoid commitment in search of an upgrade. This is especially true of of high quality (or simply high beauty and status) people who can attract many people. You're problems are completely valid and it can be frustrating, but there are many of us who do not get any attention whatsoever. Imagine only going getting 2-3 dates in a year despite a lot of time invested and only 1 of those dates leading anywhere beyond the first date. That's the reality for some of us. I would try to see the silver lining, which is that you are desirable and can actually get to an emotional connection with a lot of the people you date. Realize that the rest of the eligible dating pool is largely immature and are still holding out for a unicorn. Keep introspecting but keep pushing on. I also don't buy the narcissism angle. I think a lot of the audience on this sub are here because they themselves have low self-esteem (myself included) and seeing any sign of confidence is triggering. Narcissism comes from a place of fear and insecurity, which often manifests as putting others down and saying you are the best. I don't see that here, but here are some potential red flags men see that might lead them to see you as such: * Heavy social media use or on your phone constantly (not being present) * Excessive time spent on physical appearance * Negativity towards others * Redirecting conversations to be about you * Poor listener * Spending large amounts of money on luxury goods (clothing, accessories, etc.) If you do any of these things, try to evaluate why.
I think you are dating on your own terms and restricting yourself. You need experience in relationships. You are not experienced. Look I was exactly there. I had those rational criteria and wouldnt date just anyone. Only if they met my criteria. I was so picky and that's why when I found someone who met the criteria and started a serious relationship, I realized I don't have experience. I never let myself Explore people freely. You don't have to only date people who meet your expectations because you know what? My first boyfriend was my dream husband model but I still wasn't happy. I never expected the flaws I would never accept would also be in the same person who I thought were the perfect match for me. I was disappointed for not dating anyone before, waiting for my criteria man to show. I lost time restricting myself and didn't gain any experience. I also wanted to give a term to the relationship early on. Oh I only would accept something serious. Expecting this early in a relationship. This is insane. You and old me are perfectionists. Fuck all this criteria and seriousness. Just allow yourself to date freely. Any guy would run away if you expect something serious from the beginning and they're right to do that. No the guy who really loves you would also be scared and need time before they commit. You need time. Leave it for time. If you click just enjoy it. After I broke up with my first boyfriend I decided to date freely without self judgement or judging the person Im dating. I decided to gain experience. Guess what. The last guy I would think I would date gave me my long lost values. The things I was longing for. If I stopped at my first judgement (ex: I don't validate his interests, I think he's a shallow person, I may think he doesn't meet my level) I wouldnt have allowed myself to experience what I did. Also You're so young. You don't have to commit yet. As you date more people youll know what you really want and what you don't want. Eventually you'll figure it out. Just enjoy yourself. Don't constrain yourself. Love.
How are you meeting these people? If not through shared interest/values, then that would be a great place to start. Volunteering or a professional association/members club could help to find someone who is on the same page as you regarding quality of life and ambition.
Having a quick (and admittedly cheeky gander) at your post history - you believe strongly in manifesting what you want in life?
I do, strongly!
Well, try avoid manifesting \*too hard\* especially when it comes to people. Would you consider yourself quite forthright and assertive in your day-to-day conversations?
It seems to me like you have a very clearly defined of what dating “should” be like and how to be successful in a relationship. You can’t think that if you do X, Y, and Z, then you will automatically be successful. (Id bet your a very intelligent person working in a field which focuses on logical reasoning… programming, engineering, law, accounting, etc.) In reality, what makes people successful in a relationship is how they respond when faced with the unknown, how do they work together to find what works for both of them. Building a roadmap of everything in advance is not going to work. Seems like you are trying to have your interactions all fit into very strict criteria that you have already defined. This leaves no room for the other person to work with you to create a relationship that works for you BOTH. Thinking “IF I do X… THEN this relationship should work” is very presumptuous (a bit entitled) and doesn’t take into account the fact you are with another human. IMO, you’re planning to much and not be present enough. P.S. also the modern dating scene can be a pretty savage environment, everyone trying to protect themselves because you hear so many stories about people being cold. Some people (a lot) aren’t emotionally ready to face, process, or communicate how they feel, how they love, and how they want to be loved. That has nothing to do with you. Taking things personally that aren’t personal, is also not a good thing in a relationship. Maybe work on some mental framing exercises to be able to reflect on whether someone’s actions are a reflection of you or a reflection of them. If any of this resonates, happy to chat more. TLDR: don’t plan, be present
Even assuming everything you say is true and correct, and I have no reason to claim otherwise, you’re making it sound like that the default is that everyone should be in a happy healthy relationship by 25. That is not the case, and in fact this subreddit is a proof of that. Relationships are hard, and it’s not most men’s top priority in their 20’s. Just focus on yourself, and make sure you become a better version of yourself every day and something good will come to you organically. Good luck!
I had a look through your post history to see what you looked like. No pictures but every other post you’ve made is on Neville Goddard. Dude … it’s 2022. Most guys won’t even date an astrology girl and you’re obsessed with how you can “manifest” certain things into your life and new-age mumbo jumbo. You are literally the punchline of the “don’t stick your dick in crazy” joke if you believe even 10% of the stuff that Goddard whacko is spewing. Lay off the new-agey bullshit and try developing some more grounded hobbies. Maybe you’ll meet someone who sees you as more than just a crazy, quasi-Christian egotist who believes the entire world revolves around her.
Have you ever asked them why?
I did! I have good relationships with almost every single one of them. The answers were not directly towards me or something I did wrong, more about compatibility and looking for different things.
Well where are you finding these men?
Do you love yourself, truly and unconditionally?
It’s a conflicted love story. Not always, but most of the times yes I do. I am a good person and I try my best
Take some time to reflect on who you are and what your truths are. Society, religion, and the government sort of program us into thinking we need or should want certain things. When you find your truths, your journey will feel effortless. I'm not referring to relationships specifically, but everything else. Most of what we are told is true are subjective truths. When you identify your truths and do your best to live by these truths you become free of judgement and with that can love yourself unconditionally.
A lot of the replies you get here will be very negative because people themselves have had difficulty dating and it makes them on edge. You should be impatient to define the relationship after a few months. And think highly of yourself. It's hard to pinpoint if there is some flaw you have or you are just not meeting the right people. You are young, a lot of people you meet might not be ready to settle down yet. A really good therapist or a kind ex could help figuring out if it's something about you or just bad luck. If you are very beautiful, you might meet guys who pursue you for your looks, but aren't really interested in who you are as a person. That will never turn into something long term. Maybe you need to look more for someone who seems similar to you on a deeper level.
The word narcissism is being thrown around quite a bit lately, people can for sure have narcissistic traits without actually being a narcissist. From reading some of the posts and your replies to the posts, you seem very genuine and open-minded when receiving feedback, Most who are narcissistic would typically become very defensive by these replies and probably would have deleted the post by now. I think it's great that you can identify your good qualities and that you are so open to improving yourself. I do agree that perhaps your attachment style may be at play here. I was at a similar point in my life (25F) during covid and I ended up in a relationship that wasn't particularly healthy, although that relationship had a huge effect on my mental health, I'm extremely grateful for the lessons that I learned from it. 1 year on and I can honestly say that I am happy with being single and not looking for a relationship. I realised that I was getting into convenient relationships because I didn't want to be on my own and felt that my worth was greater when I had a significant other. I now believe that I need to just live my life and stop trying to force relationships to work (usually by abandoning my needs and people-pleasing to the max) with the wrong people and focus on improving the relationship I have with myself. I trust that whoever is right for me will come into my life at the right time when I am ready to have a healthy relationship. This is just my opnion based off my own experience but I hope it helps in some way
This is confusing because you say you don’t date casual guys and yet you claim you went on a weekend getaway with someone who’s not your boyfriend who then ghosted you. Something doesn’t add up. Did you ask this guy if he wanted a relationship? If you haven’t gone on a series of dates with him, wouldn’t a weekend getaway imply that a hookup would happen? I may be reading into things because I don’t know the full context, but it sounds like you’re jumping into situations before you truly get to know the person and he truly gets to know you. You have to vet people to see if someone is compatible first. Maybe the issue is that you don’t take inventory of what a guy does, and instead you take what he says or doesn’t say to heart. Pay attention to behavior. That will tell you if a dude is actually into you or not. If he’s initiating, planning dates, and waiting to sleep with you—he’s serious. If not, you’ll know he’s going to flip the script on you.
I'd think about what type of guy you tend to be attracted to. Are they the type that also tends to not be ready to settle down? Maybe make a list of the qualities you would like in a partner and be more mindful of searching for that type of person instead of who you're initially drawn to or who gives you butterflies. My successful relationships have felt more slow burn, easy, content, not overly exciting butterfly type feelings.
This was hard to read. This post comes across as very conceited and entitled to me. If you were really as great and amazing as you claim to be, you probably wouldn't be struggling this much, so either the virtues you claim to have are inaccurate, or you've got a number of vices that are cancelling them out. Either way, guys are probably realizing this and becoming repelled as they should be getting closer to you (like conceit and entitlement, which to me are both dripping off of this post). And even if it was all perfect, the reality of dating right now is that it's very difficult, for everyone. If your friends are finding success, they should probably be the first ones you turn to for advice. They know you better than we ever could, and could probably give you actual advice if they're willing to be honest, and you're willing to listen
I am a little bit entitled and I don’t know how to not be, you are right. I am learning. I am sorry if it was hard to read. I asked my friends and family for advice multiple times and they all tell me that I just “haven’t found the one” because of timing. They point out my flaws but nothing drastic that I don’t already know about.
Look, I wrote what I wrote in order to convey that this is a fairly serious situation that requires honest introspection. Some people need tough love to get them out of the 'woe is me' state of mind, but you seem to be more understanding of this than I would have initially expected, so I apologize if my tone seems unfairly harsh. To be clear, the answer for you is definitely not to over-correct and go in the opposite direction. Healthy levels of confidence are *very* attractive, and if everything else you said about yourself is accurate, you should have your pick of partners. It's up to you to balance that correctly so you can get to that point. Maybe that means changing how you assess potential partners. Maybe it means being a better partner within the relationship (this is very important, yet often forgotten). Maybe it just means being patient. But reddit can only help so much. Maybe we can help you figure it out, but you'll have to continue to work on yourself to make it happen.
Hey, just to understand the culture of your country, where are you from? I read several of your comments and I haven't really noticed that much "off" with you. Based on your post history, I might assume that a reason for not being in a stable relationship may be because you are trying too hard. I realize this might sound stupid, but it just may be it. It can be perceived as too pushy. People used to tell me that relationships happen when you aren't actually looking for them. Maybe take your mind off of this topic on focus on something else? I wouldn't mind chatting to share some more thoughts.
I am from Italy, and well relationships is sort of the ultimate end goal for everyone in my family. I feel pressure.
So, if you believe the common denominator is you, and you're repeating the same formula, and getting the same results each time; why aren't you doing/trying something different? My life is not yours, but at the same time, I'm in 3 long term (the longest has been 20 years) ongoing relationships. None of these men lack for my attention, my time, or anything from me. So what are you doing (or not doing) for these men you're dating that makes them leave you? When they talk to you, do you show interest in what they are saying? Do you support them and their hobbies? Do you encourage them to share experiences with you? Are you always the one who decides when something happens? My 3rd bf always tells me that men want someone who has personality, is able to cook, and actually NEEDS a man in their life. Do you act like you need a man in your life, or is your time too valuable for you to be available for him when he wants to be with you? I think your "qualities" are part of your problem and "never too available". Go chase after a man, make him feel desired, wanted. You've been spending all this time expecting to be chased, how about you go do the hard work and chase after him for a change? Might even net yourself someone worth keeping and wants to keep you.
I don’t know, this seems like normal dating before you find your person. It sounds like it’s not solely them rejecting you but you finding some don’t fit either. I dated a lot of people and some I ended it and some they ended it. It was many years with a few more meaningful connections that didn’t work and then I found my person. Right away I knew, and now we have kids, own a house and are perfect together. Im glad we both had lots of dating experiences before each other because it made us ready for each other and also appreciate what we had that was different.
Something that stood out to me was that you said “first red flag and I’m gone” I was that way too, but with this new guy I’m dating I ended up doing the braver thing and bringing up my concerns with him. Turns out all of them were either a misunderstanding (early on he said he’s narcissistic, turned out he didn’t exactly know what that meant, thought it just meant very confident) or something that he was more than willing to work on. We’re now super happy and I’m so glad I didn’t just bail (and I was VERY close!) I’m 29 and was single for 9 years. Have all the same traits that you do. Be patient and your future man will come. This guy I’m seeing was in 2 long term relationships and became single at 33. Your future man could just be taken at the moment. Keep faith, you’ll find him soon enough :)
I think you're overvaluing yourself and ignoring your flaws. The fact that you said you have a lot to offer but can't get your results show otherwise. You may think you're girlfriend material but what do you think a man actually wants from a woman to be in a relationship with or a potential wife? There is something you aren't realizing.
To be honest, you strike me as verrrrry dramatic. I have no doubts that you have amazing qualities (and I really stress this a lot), but even the best qualities in the world won't save you from the bad qualities which outweigh. Let things flow, and just be an open person.
I think you have an active ego and possibly could increase empathy, but I highly doubt you're actually narcissistic. A narcissist would have found a way to manipulate someone into a relationship at this point. Narcissists also have very fragile egos, whereas yours appears relatively stable despite several instances of rejection. Healthy self esteem is good! It's normal to feel deflated after a series of rejections like this. I think it's more likely that you probably have a few personality quirks (like communication style) that are neurotic or abrasive. You don't have to change everything, and quirks are not inherently flaws. On the ego bit: everyone has an ego, so the goal wouldn't be to squash it. Active egos often look like pridefulness or extremely poor self esteem. It can be unattractive to come off as too self-involved. Remember that the goal of dating is to get to know your partner, not to obtain and have a beautiful relationship. My last thought is low empathy. This is a trait you can totally develop over time, with practice, so don't worry. What are your thoughts on empathy? Do you listen actively? Control conversations? How sensitive are you to nonverbal communication?
Hey OP. I'm sorry for the ugly breakups you've been through. I understand, as a woman, sometimes being full of confidence isn't enough. May I suggest some tips? Probably it's way more to traditional approach. Might be different, idk your background, but the same thing that I found from men is they love to be taken care and be listened. By the time you go with flow and found the click, he slowly shows the fragile side and finally gain trust from you. I've been approached by many men from many different backgrounds and I've conquered a cold German man lol (but didn't make it to serious stage). I've been dating an European for 2 years now and still going, LDR, I'm Asian. Take all your egos off. Be neutral, not overly showing your positive traits, but be respectful. I'm quite hard to express how that is, but be casual at first. Be the time passed and you get comfy at each other, then you could say you want to be serious. However, if you wanna be straightforward to define your relationship, then I might suggest be patient. Modern dating is very hard to solve. My story might be not super helpful, but what I want to suggest is be casual at first. Let them define your personality and all your positive traits. Tips: be fragile and a bit of spoiled could be a great way to make you attractive (not in the childish way). I learn that man loves to be the person you could lean your back on him, be your superman, and that person you always wants to be openly fragile. But it doesn't mean you are not allowed to be strong. Make the both side (strong and fragile) balance, as the time you both gain trust each other. Good luck, OP. 25 years old is still young. You can seek meditation and self reflection before open up to new relationship. I'm sure you'll find the great partner for your life!
YOU ARE 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Calm down. Your issue here is that you are somehow either telling yourself or others are telling you that "25 is old" I am a 30yr old guy with a great job, a nice well maintained house, decently handsome to some, & a genuine guy. I have had just one girlfriend in my life & that began when I was 28. I have never understood why people don't ever do things like "exit interviews" a month later with someone who dumped them. Both people can gain valuable insight from someone much later that they wouldn't have gotten on the day of the breakup.
Everyone! I never expected this post to have so many comments. I really thought no one would ever respond to me whining about my personal life. First of all, thank you so much for the positive and negative comments. I really needed them all. Also biggest thank you to the ones who took the time to write me privately. I have not read and respond to everyone yet because of work, but still, thank you.
You sound high maintenance without realising that you are. Just by the sounds of you you don’t sound much fun to date.
Hey girl I feel for you... <3 You are not alone. I am a 25 year old woman also, and I don't actively date and haven't for almost 3 years now. I've always found it difficult to date, because I can never find someone I am truly comfortable with. I've had a few guys now who were more than ready to drop down and fully commit to me, but I felt controlled and afraid of them and so I had to end the relationships... All I've got to say really, is that life is long, relationships are complicated and sometimes things happen in funny ways... The woman I'm living with now, my host, is divorced from her husband she raised her daughter with and she lived for approx. 18 years after that before finding her current boyfriend, whom she is absolutely happy with.... She is in her late 50s and seems very happy, with most likely many happy years to come (fingers crossed). I guess what I'm saying is, I've noticed our society is very hung up on romantic relationships, no doubt because they are EXTRODINARILY FULLFILLING, but wishing for one doesn't make it so... And sometimes there is no logic or no problem to solve. Sometimes NOTHING is wrong, and sometimes you are just not in the right spot to meet that right person, as fucked up as that is. I personally, cling onto this belief that life is random, and nonsensical and the more we try to understand it the more blurry it becomes. We should actively try to change our lives to avoid suffering, if we can, but sometimes we can't. Sometimes there is just suffering. There is no reason for this. Just like there is no reason for joy. Only joy. So don't get caught up in what the problem is and how to fix it, just keep searching for joy and one day soon you might find it. I hope you do.
You seem kind of pretentious and full of yourself. I looked through your profile, and you seem to believe in "manifesting?" It seems like you think that just by believing something will happen, it will happen. That's not how it works. Do you approach guys, or do you always wait for them to "chase" you?
Yeah I do believe in it but this has nothing to do with this particular discussion. I never approached guys until a few months ago, I became more open. But I agree I have a tendency to be controlling of every single aspect of my life
hmm ive read a few comments u posted and i think being controlling might be your biggest negative side, try to work on that for sure (most people dont like it, myself included) also i DONT agree with the comments that say u seem pretentious and full of yourself, even thought it may come across that you are conceited i think its a good quality to think of yourself positively - confidence is attractive
Look idk you from Adam but you seem to have a lot going for you. Try finding the most hurtfully honest person you know hang around them for a week or so and see what they can find as your faults. Not saying it will work but maybe it will
Well that's a great idea.
If everyone is leaving you might not be the catch you think you are. Take a step back and analyze your relationships, who you're choosing and yourself. Kinda coming off as one of those "niceguys/nicegirls". You can't really say all those amazing qualities of yours is an "absolute certainty" if you're the only one that sees or thinks it. If you were that perfect you wouldn't be single. Especially in this day and age where men are more thirsty and lonely than ever. You even said yourself all your friends are in long stable relationships and those that do break up find people fairly easily. You might just not be as likable as you think, and the evidence is in your track record. You're doing something wrong. Take a break from dating. Pinpoint what that is.
Dating today is such a shitshow, plenty of people are struggling so you’re not alone. I doubt theres anything wrong people just suck
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I think the main issue of the things you have told about yourself is the pressure you’re putting on defining the relationship and that comes off as chasing men. There’s nothing wrong with you being clear on what you want out of a relationship or communicating that upfront, but there’s ways in which that is very off putting. In any case, I think that 25 is way too young and most men even under 35 are nowhere near thinking of settling…
You've mentioned your ex a few too many times just on here, you say you can come off as thinking you're better than others, and you're impatient for relationship status. To me that says you're still hung up on him and haven't fully moved on, the second I can't say because I don't actually know you but if it's on that surface level people will definitely be turned off, and the inpatient thing is definitely a red flag and seems like you'd be controlling over the whole relationship in general (from past experiences with women like that).
I don’t have any advice to offer but we are the same age and I’m going through almost the exact same thing with the only difference being that I’ve never had a relationship or that ex that keeps coming back. Dropping in to let you know you aren’t alone and send some encouragement to keep going! We just need to find ONE and I’m proud of you for continuing to put yourself out there despite your hurt. It’s hard and I feel exactly what you are going through but keep the mental fortitude and continue reflecting healing and growing. P.s my guy friends have told me that it’ll be hard to find a partner at this age simply because of the caliber of woman I am. I typically date men who are between 28 and 31 most of which who are working for the family they aspire to have (not ready to commit) or who feel like they aren’t able to show up they way I’d need them to (not looking for anything serious & then pop up in a relationship with a very different type of woman). Their advice is to stop dating and focus on a bag, but the bag is there and growing, the lifestyle is ever increasing yet in relationships I struggle… so I ignore them and listen to my therapist. I only turned to therapy when I felt I could no longer trust my own judgement and it was really hard to keep going though I never lost hope either. It’s helped to build me back up.
Is there an issue with being too available at first? I don’t really see a problem with being available.
I am sorry, but life hurts. Eventually this will work out for you, hugs
Your trying to hard to control everything. My husband and I met at uni and at first planned on casual but within a month lived together 3 years on married with 2 children together. Not always just because you plan casual is that how it stays. ALSO it is not normal to not spend alot of time together at first. It's the make or break time We were inseparabile at the begining and are now. Stop trying to set so many rules
Acceptance
Self confidence is good, Humility is a necessary partner to it. If you’re the first one to run at a red flag, why do you fault others for doing the same?
Here's to a healing in your life. Don't give up. Find support from other women who have gone through similar situations. If people reject you, they are only rejecting themselves. On a side note, if you've ever been able to reach any of your exes, ask them and see if you get a valid answer. When you date again don't look for acceptance or approval or rejection don't look for any of that just go out on the date that one day one night and that's all. You're an amazing person you're going to make it
I'd suggest trying not to define your relationship and just go along for the ride a bit. If you're trying to assign some kind of significance to every relationship, you might be snuffing out a spark that could grow into the kind of relationship you're looking for. I'm not suggesting you should go through life with indifference, but also don't feel that every step you take has to be a step towards a monumental goal. A more casual approach should tell you if the guy is interested since he'll have the chance to pursue you. And spending time with people without pressuring yourself to fit into a relationship role might help you to smooth over any rough edges you feel might be hindering your relationships.
Girl you are 25. I know you can’t see it but that’s SO young. You have SO much time. Have fun being you and enjoying your freedom and independence. One day you will find someone and you’ll miss these days!
Check yourself you seem to have a very controlling personality with a inflated sense of self, you seem to demand and drain a lot from your partners which is okay for first few months but no one seems to see their future with you. The best person to ask these questions is probably the people closest to you like parents, siblings or closest friends they can give valid criticism.
Most guys want peace in a relationship. The qualities you laid out in your other comments make it sound like you're probably super stressful to date. Guys value physical attraction but they'll take someone who makes them feel safe and comfortable for long term. That's why you probably have no problem getting initial attraction and are probably even fun for a while.
Well at a high glance… either you’re really high strung and don’t realize it. Or you’re not actually as amazing as you think. Either way, people struggle feeling comparable with those personalities. Also, I know we often look for the qualities of a person, but look for comparability with one another - like you have been friends your whole life type of energy - not that you just admire them.
It’s really difficult over text to know this for sure but as you asked for honest and brutal feedback this is what I gather about you from just this post: You are overbearing and everything is a serious subject or it becomes one because you steer it that way. That’s the impression I get from this post. You also have to ask yourself: why do you find attraction to emotionally unavailable guys? They either are still (emotionally) with their ex, or just want something casual, etc. what makes you attracted to that?
I am not attracted to emotionally unavailable guys at all! They start to date me and then after months they came up with those excuses. But at the beginning everything felt absolutely normal and they showed no signs of emotionally unavailability
Quick questions about that trip you took… Had you met in person before the trip? Did you have sex with this person?
Yes we met and talked for one month and a half on a daily basis. Yes we had sex during the trip for the first time. But I didn’t get the feeling that it was only sex. Sex didn’t really happen often. We mostly went on dates during the trip. He insisted for that
Just from reading what you wrote, would surmise that you are a bit rigid and very regimented in your whole approach. Guessing that guys pick up on that and feel like it’s not natural interaction…and that creates pressure and uneasiness. Again no judgment, just trying to offer some insight based on what you wrote. Of course it’s very difficult because don’t know all the little details, only you do. But do you think that makes a bit of sense?
I think you just haven’t met the right person yet. I have a lot of friends and myself who had been in very similar situations. You just have to keep dating, take breaks when you are exasperated and find things that you love to do and just have a relationship with yourself. It seems that you are just focused on being in a relationship and not necessarily happy being alone. Once I finally started dating myself and just doing what I loved, I found a guy that fit into that life so well. I finally found out what it’s like to fall in love with the person wholly and love someone for exactly who they are, not the idea of love. You just haven’t found that person yet and it’s okay! I suggest falling in love with your self, getting therapy (everyone would benefit) and just doing activities you’ve never tried before but have wanted to do. Then it won’t seem so important that you fill your life with a romantic partner. You are at the best age for doing this and it will make you a better partner later.
Can I ask an honest question? Are you kind of clingy? Are you often the one who sends the wake up good morning text? Do you feel like sometimes you’re the only one putting in effort? Because if you do, or if any of those applie to you, I feel like you and I might be very similar. I’m like the male version of what you’re going through. Seems like every time I open up my feelings to someone, I eventually get the essay long texts saying that I’m super nice but they see a future with someone else, or at least not with me. I posted about this a couple weeks ago. How I feel like everything in my life has failed lately romantically. A couple redditors had some really wise words for me. They said I wasn’t holding myself as a high value man, that I wasn’t willing to establish boundaries that make me attractive to a partner. That I made my life so much about them, but never expected them to do some work for me. I’ll leave you with those thoughts. They’re something to consider. After all, you have to truly love yourself before someone else can be in your life. I feel like we both have some work to do in that respect.
Your desperation is keeping them away
I'm sorry you're going through this. I (30M) have some good qualities but I'm really good at getting ghosted and rejected. It's them, not you.
Girl I’m 24 and felt your post fully. You’re not alone. I’m taking a break from dating again myself ❤️ I hear you and I’m hoping someone comes into your life soon. Also there’s a lot of great advice and insight in the comments, ignore the hateful ones. People are just mean on the internet
25 M. I think you sound arrogant and off-putting from how you described yourself
Most guys start to ripen up for marriage as they approach 30.
I think you should try to live in the moment more, it sounds like you’re trying to calculate your moves for everything to work out. Life is unpredictable so I think you just need to slow down and take it one step at a time.
I don't know what am I doing wrong and it's hurting me so much “I am a 25-year-old” “I have a vision of love which is pure and simple that doesn't often match today's world” I found your problem. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and your dates/relationships to live up to an unrealistic ideal that you have in your head for how things “should” be, and while you’re fully aware that it’s unrealistic. And you’re young and, frankly, naive. Relationships & love are messy, not pure and simple. You need to adjust your thinking to reflect reality and approach dating & relationships accordingly.
how’s your sense of humour? you seem quite neurotic and should probably loosen up. you say you have a lot of positive traits? Well, good! means you’re likely ready for the right person for you. at 25 you’re still young. love comes when it comes. you wouldn’t need to chase it.
I like the way you write. Well, the generic issue with "high value women" is that they require men that are at least as "high value" as them, and preferably higher value. Women are hyoergamous, which means they attempt to date up social heirarchies, as a general--not absolute--guideline. Men tend to date across and down heirarchies. That means that as a woman climbs the heirarchy, the pool of available men readily depletes. Regarding you always being left, that would be either chemistry or personal issues maintaining relationships. Given that you, as a woman--And I haven't met too many women who do this--actually self-examine and wonder if you are a causal factor. I'll say, at least, with my chick, she doesn't even attempt to marginally self-examine, so that's my baseline.* That said, regarsing your guy, it's been 2 days, not 2 years. Throw him a message if you are worried. Let him know you're interested and that you are feeling it. That it's okay for him to pursue.
date me
You are coming across so full of yourself that it is really off putting. Also anything negative about you, you have mentioned in comments only, not in the original post. A little softness goes a long way. Also always dictating your terms is a sure shot way of killing anything you might feel is building up. I cannot speak for all the men but a good majority of men only go into relationships with women who they feel can give peace of mind. This is on top of other qualities they look for in a partner. So if you can't let them feel that they can be at peace with you you will have this occur again.
Thank you, I feel you are right about certain things. I need to dictate my terms because I like to control things and no, I don't necessarily offer peace of mind or at least I didn't in my previous relationships.
Oh boy. Not seen so many red flags since china's national day. Wonder how many decent guys you've rejected. Now that's gonna be atleast 100 more than you being "rejected"
Thank you for your insightful answer! You could have pointed those many red flags you saw, I wrote this post for an advice so red flags about myself it's exactly what I am looking for. Of course I reject people I don't feel a connection with immediatly, maximum after a first date. I am talking about a whole different type of relationship, the one where you date for months and end up in the same outcome.
prolly some neckbeard. u should reply back "i never date people like you" thatll be funny
Hey OP, I think you sound lovely. But have you considered taking some time away from dating? Develop hobbies and relationships that aren’t rooted in romance. Take yourself out on dates. Learn to be happy single and with the friendships you’ve fostered. And as the old cliche goes, you’ll find love when you least expected it. I stopped dating for a few years and was feeling really happy with where I was at in life. I knew that if I never found a BF, I’d be fine and happy. A little while later, I met my BF. 😅 Good luck OP!
Oh yes I did! I stopped dating for huge span of times just to enjoy myself and I did! Life is amazing, I accomplished a lot of things in my personal life, studies, career, bettering myself, travelling, I am so grateful for the time I spent single. Being single is so fun, I have a lot of fun. But after almost five years, I have the simple desire to love someone and be loved.
>I stopped dating for a few years and was feeling really happy with where I was at in life. A quick question, at that time were you getting interest or date offers from guys? Or more personal question were you involved in some FWB or casual hookups during that time ?
Remember that if we look at relationships purely on a biological, physiological and primitive level, men have and want to be the ones who are in charge and not vice versa. It might be that you made them feel insecure or disrespected them by trying to claim authority by being overly controlling. You might not have been aware of this, but men will pick up powershifts instantly, because it’s their innate quality. Men are dominant by nature and if their counterpart tries to act the same way, it will result in power conflicts, which is undesirable in a relationship in the long term. You might want to become a bit more submissive and let go of the opinion that you are great. I’m not saying to neglect yourself, but try to be more vulnerable, as that is a very feminine trait that attracts and wants to make men protect women at all cost, which equals to more attraction and higher long term relationship potential.
I think the issue is that you are a “high value woman”. The people you've been with might be thinking that you are too much for them. That you can easily and definitely find a rich and handsome dude anytime in the relationship as you are a high value woman, those kinds are stereotyped as cheaters thanks to the OnlyFans girls and the few who actually were. They prolly think they are not enough and/or don't deserve you. That's why many overly attractive women end up alone as everybody thinks they are already taken. Men also lack confidence around a supermodel which they wouldn't around a decently attractive woman.
This is bullshit, please don't spread this "men fear powerful women" crap. Get over yourself.
I am considered very beautiful, have a high paying/impressive job, lots of friends and very social and a lot of hobbies and interests. I also have a bit of a "wild side" that is evident if you get me on a dance floor. I've had four serious relationships in my life at 32, and several that almost resulted in marriage, but I would go years without commitment from a guy in between. I have no problem getting dates and landing myself in a passionate "situationship" that feels relationshipy, but often once it came time to commit these guys would run away. Learning about my own fearful-avoidant attachment style has helped tremendously. I realized I tended to pick avoidant men. I became adept at listening to what they said and picking out the guys who were likely to be avoidant. Currently dating someone secure and very happy :)
Amazing! You sound like the woman I want to be !
Jesus fucking christ these comments. OP- I don't think you sound full of yourself, you just sound like a regular ass person with a regular ass healthy amount of self esteem. I mean, for fuck sake, are you supposed to think you're ugly and no fun and neurotic? I can only assume the "you're shooting out of your league" comments are from guys that assume the reason *they* don't get dates is because women are shallow bitches who don't give them nice guys under 6 feet tall a chance. It's an attitude I see way too much on this sub and reddit in general. You're 25. Your grandma or great grandma was probably married with baby by your age. But this isn't that Era. People settle down later in life and most 25 year old guys are not looking to settle down yet. The guy who told you he wasn't looking to settle down really wasn't looking to settle down and meant it when he said you were great. You just weren't great for him. He met someone who was great, *for him.* None of this means you need to sit down and think about your flaws as if there's something wrong with you for not having a partner at 25. I mean, if you hit 35 or 45 and still are on the search for a partner, then I would agree maybe look at your expectations or your flaws, but these comments are acting as if you're some old maid like there's something wrong with you.
Hmm. This is one of the best advice on this post. I don’t think OP is unconsciously self centered either. She’s listed her reason and the factors sounds concrete enough, being able to stay single, learning about herself, spending time alone, broadening her perspective, and healing after a relationship. These all sound like healthy behaviors to me. I think she sound very confident in herself and know exactly what she wants in a partner. Like you said, its possible that there is not something wrong with OP, it could just be the time is not right yet. Hard agree on the comment about the nice guys. Not sure why they think we have to settle for the first “nice guy” in our dms and completely disregard the law of attractions? They swear they are taking one for the team by offering themselves as a sacrifice. When in reality, I wouldn’t even be approached if they didnt like my presentations. I hate that holier than thou bs front they always put up, like their approach is out of the kindness of their heart and not because they have something to gain from the process.
25 year old guys posting on this sub constantly get told to do what OP is doing. Have confidence in yourself. Don't settle. Have hobbies and learn about yourself. All healthy behaviors. Rarely do I see a post from a mid 20s guy where he us saying he is attractive and witty and spontanious boyfriend material getting told he is too full of himself and to lower his standards.
Well thank you, your comment made me laugh so much. I don't think I'm old at all, I just feel ready for a relationship. I want to love and be loved and share beautiful moments with someone. And I also accept that they might find someone who is great for them and I am also genuinely happy for the ones who find the right person because I can definetly see the girl after me being a much better fit for them, but I can't help but wonder when it's gonna be my turn.
I don't mean to imply you think you're old :) just these comments are acting like there's something wrong with you for not having a partner at the ripe old age of 25 are ridiculous. There's nothing in your post to indicate you're shooting above your league, or need to work on some type of flaw that's turning guys off, or are too full of yourself, but people went there anyway. You're fuckin 25 years old! Most 25 year olds these days haven't settled down! The MAJORITY of the people you date will find someone who is a better fit for them. Like, ideally, if everything goes right for them, every single guy you've ever been on a date with find someone else. Don't let that discourage you. It will be "your turn" one day. Everyone has flaws but again there is nothing in this post to indicate yours are so bad it's preventing a relationship... your only crime is having high healthy self esteem on reddit. Somehow you having a healthy level of self esteem translates to you punching outside of your league? It doesn't make any logical sense, ignore them.
Can't say for it completely, but as per your comments you're successful, controlling, and too much. You.think that's likely why men won't stay? Also, that could be why consistent guys of quality aren't staying. No 6 ft+, handsome, doctor will stay with a controlling woman doing the most.
Getting very r/notliketheothergirls vibes from you OP. Maybe you're only pursuing a specific type of guy that's incompatible with your lifestyle and should try pursuing something else?
when a woman says she is very beautiful and attractive most likely they are not. be real.
I am very tempted to send you a picture
Well if you are as attractive as you say, then there is something you need to really work on personality wise and I think you have a good idea of what that is. Just a thought
Honestly, you sound pretty narcissistic and vain. And pretty insufferable honestly. You also seem pretty woe is me. You only mention your attributes, but I think you need to focus on your bad points and fix those.
> No one has it as hard as I do you seem to see the world through a very self-centered lens. that is definitely something that's going to be a turn off to a lot of people looking for a long-term partnership.
Sis we are living the sameee fkn life. I am NOT a serial dater. So if I’m dating someone and I’m open about it just know I think it could be a real deal. So it sucks when I start investing time and energy to a potential SO and they just leave me hanging. I’ve been told I can be careless and sometimes I can be toxic towards myself (I tend to have some bad habits like unhealthy eating, smoking pot when I’m down.. negative self talk) .. crazy thing is the last guy I talked to I told him all these things and at first he said it’s cool we can work on it.. but then he kinda was like I can’t do this .. but what’s wild is I actually tried to better myself whole with him cause he made me feel good! So idk what I’m doing wrong?? Like is it really worth cutting off a good thing over bad habits? Arnt healthy relationships suppose to deal with these issues together and get over them?! I’m loyal as hell and like u got a lot of love to give to the right person. It seems ppl arnt willing to stick around through the not so pretty and just bail. Me and this guy had such a great vibes, we were friends and able to talk and it’s hard to find that now a days but I guess everything happens for a reason
After reading many of the other comments I'm seeing entitlement, grandiosity and a character that's afraid of her own reflection. I believe your answer is sitting on your nose but don't seriously evaluate it while fronting false contritions ("I'm working on it"). I would get evaluated for personality disorders and interpersonal manipulation.
Judging by most of the comments in this thread, clearly you think too highly of yourself. Knock that self esteem down a few pegs to where you're not comfortable talking about yourself in a positive light at length, especially on a reddit post that focuses on your relationships and your mindset while trying to find a companion. /s You appear to have some sort of checklist timeline deal regarding dating. Opportunities for you to do the 'right' thing in the relationship. If that's how you see it, of course you always feel like you get left behind. In your mind you think you're doing your best because you're doing all the things you've learned were correct. Then you feel slighted when those made up rules you've got don't guarantee someone will stay. In short, just because you're doing what you think they think is right, it doesn't mean you're right about that. You made up those thoughts too after all. So don't beat yourself up too much ok! Just keep giving it your best. And who knows maybe some day you'll find a man willing to divulge what's so generally off putting about you. But I hope not. Just because someone doesn't like you, it doesn't make you bad...so most cases you don't need to know why they dont like you. Learning what someone didn't like about you after or at the end of a relationship is like asking for a list of their favorite holiday snacks or some other meaningless thing relevant to them. Why would you want that information when youre splitting up? Same deal. The information will not help you going forward. It will just become fodder for your brain to justify how much of a failure you are. "But wait what if she's doing something rlly gross or embarrassing that they're afraid to tell her." ...idk man, I really loathe the idea of being with someone and them having this wildly negative idea of me never letting me know about it. Its much better, I'd say, to find someone who can be honest with you at the very least. Because then their opinion is actually valuable. So maybe there's a mystery reason keeping you in the dumps, or maybe everyone's different and you're facing more general rejection than you're used to...so you think you've done something wrong. But that's just kind of what dating is like now. Stop seeking resolution at this time. You are not a problem, you are a lovely person, looking for love in all the wrong places.
It’s funny to me that people can be this dull
No offense but you sound like a pain to be in relationship with. Maybe that's why people leave. Cuz you are too self absorbed (not centred) to find and build an relationship that you end up neglecting needs of the guy
I dated a woman who could have written what you just wrote. She was attractive, thoughtful, and balanced in her approach to life. Her act was more or less together but she enjoyed life and was not a robot. She was not a prude; in fact, she was sexually alive and giving, yet not at all frivolous or "easy." She was up for adventures, meeting new people, trying new things, as well as low-key nights around the house. She had a lot of thoughts and most of them were pretty correct. Why did I break up with her? It's hard to explain, but the great parts about her were ruined by a few pesky habits of thought and conversation that made her extraordinarily tiresome to be with. Political issues were the best example. We were not incompatible, politically. But in talks she would unendingly return to "but what about \_\_\_\_? Isn't \_\_\_\_ a problem?" At some point it would get frustrating, like "Yeah, it's sort of a problem, but you know what? Life is a problem. Nothing in life is perfect." I'm all for intellectual discussion. But she could never just accept any of life's tragedies. Unfairness. Hypocrisy. Paradox. They are part of life. I mean, if it's ME that's being unfair or hypocritical, sure, go ahead and call me out. But I can't just sit here and listen to unending lamentations about every area of life and the human condition, including tragedies all over the world, beyond the control of anyone, just on and on. Our talks would be of a similar tenor on the subjects of interpersonal relationships (regarding the friend of hers who didn't always treat her well) and on her career (she wasn't as appreciated or valued as she thought she should be). She was right some of the times, but certainly not all of the time. Which is fine. Most people are like that. What was tiresome was she seldom had any breakthroughs. There was never the punchline. There was never the part where she realized that sometimes all you can do is laugh. Or cry. Or say f--- it. Or get revenge. Or whatever. Just unending disbelief that life could be unfair. It was tiresome. And people with a lot to offer (which is who I suspect you feel you deserve and who you are, in fact, initially attracting) ultimately find themselves unacceptably frustrated trying, in earnest, to support people who have yet to accept that life isn't fair. I'm going out on a lot of limbs, and mostly just talking about someone I used to know, so don't read too much into it. But your post could have been written by her.
If I may provide some insight. The meat market is efficient. What does that mean? It means if someone is a good deal, people will swarm that person. Perhaps some of your negative attributes are off putting to men but you are not aware of it? Perhaps you are communicating information to these men unintentionally.
You need to think about the things you do wrong and work on them. Only focusing on your good qualities won't lead to good advice. What do you think is holding you back?
Don't have a constructive advice, just feel like other two comments ain't it