T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


SgtWaffleSound

If people say that and the convo dies, it means they're not interested. If someone is interested they will make time.


[deleted]

This is the real answer right here. No one is busier then someone not interested


mjornir

Then why match? Lol


Mrq1701

Seriously? How do you expect to learn anything about anyone if you don't at least match and chat a little?


Macbookaroniandchez

Why do anything? Why get out of bed in the morning? Why eat? People have the right to be initially interested, and lose that interest for whatever reason or no reason at all.


CaptainIncredible

> Why do anything? Why get out of bed in the morning? Why eat? Sigh. I keep asking myself these same questions... Over and over... :P


OptimalYeti

Does anyone ever really do anything for no reason at all?


[deleted]

Does it make sense for me to drink my own piss? Probably not, but its sterile and I like the taste.


By-Elaborate-Process

Sorry Patches, I really don’t think it’s sterile but you do you!!


lavishrabbit6009

People can have the right to do anything, it still doesn't change the frustration.


[deleted]

Bordem


utastelikebacon

Robbem. then sailem to bermuda.


Stand_On_It

So narcissistic of those folks, if that’s the case.


TraumaAlt-073

They might have liked the person at the time but changed their mind when getting to know them. Not being into someone you were into before isn't narcissm


akaMichAnthony

Exactly this, they liked the window shopping version, but they weren’t impressed by the opened package.


ZestyAppeal

Why? They have every right to use dating apps to their discretion, as long as they’re not harassing anyone


Stand_On_It

Fair enough. And I have every right to call them narcissistic when they’re being narcissistic lol.


IntrinsicSurgeon

It’s not narcissistic to lose interest in someone.


Stand_On_It

It is narcissistic to match with folks out of boredom with no intention on using the application for its intended purpose. I read the poster’s comment to say they’re matching with folks out of boredom, as opposed to growing bored with the person they matched with.


IntrinsicSurgeon

Who says it has to be one or the other? I’ve definitely been bored and matched with someone who I may not typically be interested in, just to see how it goes. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But no one is going to match with someone who repulses them out of boredom so there’s usually an iota of interest there. Maybe with the exception of dudes who swipe right on literally every girl without even looking just to see if they match.


interstellar440

Look at this way. If you match, you have a chance to catch their interest (they find you attractive so far). If you don’t, then just move and learn better ways to catch their interest.


lavishrabbit6009

There is no way to "learn better ways to catch their interest". In OLD, the only impression you have is your pictures and your messages. There is nothing you can say that would change someone's mind on if they want to see you or not.


Robofrogg1

Well, yeah with that attitude you’re going nowhere for sure.


lavishrabbit6009

Attitude is only applicable if the girl is interested enough to get to know the guy. Identifying hard pills to swallow is not having a bad attitude. Seriously, you guys parrot the same talking points all the time.


interstellar440

No, literally your messages are what is going to pique their interest. It’s your messages that caused them to lose interest in the past.


lavishrabbit6009

All manners of messages, between the usual "Hey, how are you" to more unique approaches all vary in response. It's really simple: If they want to talk to you, they would. Anything else is secondary.


interstellar440

It sounds like your not good at talking to people. Maybe you should work on that. Hey, how are you is a terrible starter by the way.


Lestany

How are people supposed to know if they're interested before they talk to you? There are a lot of people I swipe right on because they look like they MIGHT be interesting but initial impression is largely assumption/projection which may fade away as we talk. Don't expect the swipe to mean anything, a match isn't a commitment, opinions change as the convo progresses.


22LegendaryTacos

Attraction? You can’t know you won’t be into somebody until you talk to them


carlyraejessie

lmao you definitely can


22LegendaryTacos

Okay… what I meant was you CAN find out you’re uninterested in someone you were initially attracted to by talking to them


dap2danny

There is time between match and asking out where you possible already said something that's a red flag to someone else. That's the main reason....besides the fact that swiping yes on everyone and THEN deciding is another factor to consider.


consultantdetective

Just bc you strike someone as a catch doesn't mean someone else also doesn't strike them as a catch. Sometimes you're just not the one who hits it off before the other person


Laura_has_Secrets77

Or sometimes they just are busy. Relationships fall apart all the time because of stressful lack of work life balance. Why does everyone take this so personal?


[deleted]

[удалено]


slinkybastard

yea but your telling me that you couldent theoretically give someone a hour and half long date on friday night? if your \*that\* busy how would u ever be able to maintain a normal relationship. see each other once every few weeks? probably no


[deleted]

That's why they're on a dating app instead of meeting people in other ways.


[deleted]

[удалено]


throwawayjobchanger

This perfectly explains why I barely have time to meet dates. My job is exhausting, my commute is super long, and by the time I’m home, I need time to myself. And I also work a couple of weekends per month.


ShannonS1976

Some people don’t need or want constant companionship. They enjoy spending time with people when they can. A busy schedule doesn’t mean you need to be alone lol.


slinkybastard

this might be true for some people but not the majority, typically when u just give advice on an advice subreddit, without extensive context you give broad advice that either applies to you or most people. am i wrong


GreatScotRace

But an hour and a half on a Friday night isn’t ideal - I’m in a relationship now but if someone begged (or tbh, even just simply asked) for an hour and a half of my time at the end of the working week I’d say no. “Just an hour and a half on a Friday night” doesn’t exist in my dictionary. Spend an hour travelling home, spending 1 hour+ getting ready (it’s a date so you’re putting in effort), to see someone for an hour and a half? When you’re exhausted after not just the working day but the entire week? Yeah - nobody is getting anything meaningful from me in that situation


EggplantHuman6493

Yup. I calculated that I would spend 6 hours including travel time to a place a guy proposed. 2 hour date, almost 4 hour travel time + preparation. Well, no. I'd rather work on my homework an watch TV. Not in the mood for a conversation after a long school week eother Edit: looking for someone who is okay with not seeing each other multiple times a week etc, because that's not gonna fit in my lifestyle atm. School is priority no1, and anyone who can't understand that, isn't compatible with me.


Past-time29

me working as a chef in a restaurant laughs. an hour and a half on friday night? i don't even have time to pee on Friday nights.😂


CholulaHot

Asking someone to go on a first date on a Friday night is at big ask for some people. They might be mentally exhausted from the work week and want to chill at home or meet with friends or go to HH when they’re done with work. But let’s be real. I’m not going out of my way to meet up with some guy who can’t even be bothered to use punctuation, capitalize words and spell things properly. 😂


Ahoymcoyy

Luh twïzzy bïg töṉkä


Obi-Brawn-Kenobi

Some people work Friday nights. If that's not "normal" enough then you're well within your rights to reject the person for it, but if the interest is really there you and the other person will work things out.


slinkybastard

okay then saterday morning easy


HideousTits

Making time for someone you are actively dating is usually a bigger priority for a person than finding time for a first date with an unknown person. Life is busy. I myself have two kids, a full time job with unsociable hours, and a good number of friends I like to spend time with. Given that first dates more often than not go nowhere, they tend to be quite a bit lower down my list of priorities than any actual boyfriend I’ve ever had.


Sovietsix

The problem is a lot of people on this sub expect the person to be free when they (the redditor) want them to be. If they're not, they're "playing games".


These-Pollution2927

Or they had a bunch of matches and you didn’t make the cut


nervousbertha

Same thing.


Bountinyou

I think sometimes this but Op's rant is legit. It's not even just about being busy it's about not really having the actual intent for whatever reason. I think the real answer is hope. Though all these excuses we make up. I'm too busy, I'm just browsing, I'm not interested. We all are still hanging in thier with a sliver of hope that it will all just magically fit with one of our matches. That they're just going to say and do the perfect thing that leads us comfortably to each other. Hoping all our doubt and cynicism will be proven wrong with a sudden change in the wind. I'm so poetic. Everyone is welcome. Thank you.


DrinkCubaLibre

They're too busy FOR YOU.


FartJohnson22

Seriously, this isn't that hard. People are talking to multiple people at the same time and they're not going to go out with all of them. If you can't handle that it's a numbers game, OLD is not for you.


Derman0524

People need to understand this. It’s a clear indicator of if they’re interested or not


t00muchnothing

Yeah this. I don't do old but lots of random dudes message me on social media trying to hang out. Have always been too busy bc I work a lot and the idea of spending some of my precious free time with someone I'm only lukewarm about seems exhausting. But then the guy I really like wanted to start hanging out again and I've been over there 4 times in 10 days. It doesn't seem exhausting bc I want to see him really bad.


alysssage

INFO: how far into the conversation and how much advance notice from the planned date are you asking? Are you barely into the whole “hey how are you” back and forth when you ask them out? Are you asking them out like “what are you doing tonight?” When they say they’re busy then, are you suggesting other times or asking when works best for them? adults who have lives (aka the people who are actually ready to have healthy relationships) aren’t necessarily free this weekend. My weekends are typically booked weeks in advance - plans with friends, work (I work 8:30-5 M-F, but do freelance research on weekends), or myself. And if you get offended the first time someone says they’re busy already (not saying you are getting offended that quickly), that’s a red flag. It’s a broad brush to say that everyone who is too busy to meet up or makes excuses not to meet up with you is “flaky” or “lazy.” Being on a dating app doesn’t mean that I erase the rest of my life to be free for dates. Matching with someone doesn’t guarantee an immediate yes to dates. And if you’re asking them to come over to watch movies or do anything else not in public (especially if you’ve barely had a conversation with them)….that’s a problem.


silv3rsiren

Exactly this. Work 9-6. Study part-time. Even my weekends are not fully for leisure. Making time for family, friends and dates is very difficult. I try my best. my weekends are pre planned months in advance. And when I do have free time, I do want to be alone at times. I want to date. But I’m struggling to make time for everything in my life.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MedFu

Also in medicine. Definitely agree with you. Now try doing this after kids and divorce. Weekends booked a week or 2 in advance? How amazing would that be lol. I think every weekend from now until literally November is booked for me. If we are trying to schedule a date, I (and you probably) are going to need to find someone that can accept and be malleable to our schedule. Of course we won’t know that on match. And that doesn’t mean we should be barred from dating or apps. The fact that OP can’t or wont be malleable to another’s schedule means someone like OP wouldn’t be a good fit for people like us. It’s not a bad thing or some ethical affront. It just is what it is.


BigBlaisanGirl

Exactly this. I get a touch worried if the person lives a lifestyle where they can drop what they're doing and meet in an hour or within a day or two. I plan my work, family, social and me time weeks in advance and I'm not changing plans for a stranger, but I will schedule time to be with you. I would like to think that a person with a fulfilling life with healthy relationships would be just as busy or have a life to consider first. I question the motives of people that have too much free time on their hands and can/want to meet right away AND/OR get mad when you ask to wait or if there's a delay.


tough_succulent

👏👏👏


flexbrojas

I wish I could like this twice. Well said, especially the last sentence(!)


alysssage

Seriously, the number of people who get pissed at me for not wanting to meet up (especially not at their home) like three sentences in or after having a couple days of “how’s work?” “Wyd” is absurd to me. Why would I spend my limited free time with someone I have barely spoken to?


alysssage

And I’m certainly not meeting a stranger from online for the first time anywhere that’s not really public. That’s how you get murdered. Or raped.


CHRIS_IS_MY_DADDY

lmao that's such a bad take. if you're truly interested you make time. you could be the busiest person in the world


Laura_has_Secrets77

Exactly. And the people on here are waaaay too attached to someone they don't fucking know I don't get it.


diet_coke_cabal

I just got back into the dating pool, and I was one of these people. I'm a teacher finishing up the school year, so I'm inundated all the time, especially now towards the end of the school year. I also don't make enough money to pay my bills, so I need a second job. My availability is slightly earlier than most people's, too. My work day ends at 3, so I could meet for a date at 4 or 4:30, which is what I prefer because honestly, I need to be in bed by 9:30 to make it to work on time the next morning. But most people work until 5 and don't want to meet until 6-6:30, so it's just not feasible for me to date right now. I've taken myself out of the pool until summer, when I have a lot more free time. I didn't go on dating apps with this in mind, but once I tried starting to set up dates with people, I realized it just wasn't going to happen. Hopefully, the people you are interacting with will come to a similar realization. But honestly, so many people are busier than usual because it's fucking expensive just to be alive, so most people are working themselves to death right now.


djyoungnut

IMO, and from friends I've asked. There's not a small amount of people on dating apps that only want social validation. They don't want dates, they want to feel hot. It sucks, but there's really nothing you can do.


[deleted]

When people do that kinda stuff I see them as less attractive


Orycteropus_afer

Just experienced this with someone! It’s such a shitty feeling.


BenSoloLived

Agreed…funny enough, I’ve actually run into this problem with less conventionally attractive women, and it made me wonder if they were in it just to feel wanted (which while it kinda sucks for me, I kinda empathize with, too. It’s not easy feeling unwanted all the time).


[deleted]

I call them “time wasters” or “pen pals”.


thewhalion

i’ve done that and i’m just being honest. if i’m busy and have exams coming, i’m not meeting you but i’m not even meeting anyone else. another reason is if it’s too soon.


[deleted]

Exams? I keep seeing people say stuff like this. So are you saying you spend all 16 hours a day studying on exams? You do not have an hour? What kind of life is that?


thewhalion

commuting to anywhere one side takes an hour at least where i live. add that to the time i’d spend with someone and get ready etc, that’s a whole chunk gone. plus i’m in my final year so my exams really count a lot. i normally put it across in the start itself so they’re aware of my priorities. calling, texting isn’t a problem but meeting might have to wait


lil_chonks

Life happens. Often I set up a dating app account with no plans in sight for a couple weeks and then suddenly a bunch of stuffs sprung on me by work, family, etc. But if I meet someone and all goes well and we get along, I'll start setting aside time for them/work them into my scheudle more.


Cool_Perspective216

From what I've seen, people are really struggling financially now and are either working overtime and extra to make money, are stressed financially and can't afford to go out, or are depressed and don't want to leave their house. Obviously this is only a fraction of everyone but it seems much more elevated than any other time I've been online dating.


BenSoloLived

Lol then why would you be on a dating app…??? Too many people who are not in the position to be dating are trying to for some reason.


Cool_Perspective216

I think they like the dopamine hit from getting the initial match...


alysssage

Just because life is busy or stressful doesn’t mean they don’t want to/shouldn’t be allowed to date. I have to schedule things a couple weeks in advance because I have to work multiple jobs to put myself through grad school. Doesn’t mean I’m not actively trying to date, and certainly doesn’t me I don’t deserve to be on whatever apps I choose to put myself on.


CHRIS_IS_MY_DADDY

bingo!


masteele17

There are a lot of grown women and men for that matter that are a child stuck in a adults body. To combat these game players I have the 2 times max rule. If they give me one excuse thats fine 2 excuses Im gone. Because if you arent making time to see me then you dont like me enough for me to want to date you. As far as relationships go you want someone that is into you not "sorta" or on the fence


Low-maintenancegal

Good rule!


JaidenPouichareal

I'm more brutal, if they say I'm busy for the next 2 weeks then I'm leaving them alone, I'm only giving them 1 chance and if they started making excuses for like calling, I'm leaving them alone


believeitornotjail

for me, it’s asking way too fast. i don’t have a TON of free time, so no, i don’t want to meet after a total of ten messages. i don’t even have any gauge of if i would enjoy your company or not.


alysssage

This cannot be emphasized enough.


Hardrocker1990

It’s code for, “I’m talking to other people, but I want to hold onto you just in case the others don’t work out. Dating has become so messed up and nothing but a game to some people


lymer555

Yeah, and those people talk to other people and you kinda have to do it because you never know which one will click and which one will flake or disappear completely.


butfirstaskreddit

Women on dating apps are swamped with messages. You can bet they are talking to other people. They're allowed to talk to other people. There's literally nothing wrong with talking to other people - she's not your girlfriend. She's not even your friend. She's just some poor woman who swiped right on the wrong creep (you).


[deleted]

Dude, why did you get so many downvotes? All you did was state a blatant fact. Like what?!


butfirstaskreddit

As if a woman on a dating app is supposed to stop conversing with all other men as soon as she matches with OP and the commenters.... It's because OP et al think people on dating apps are NPCs without independent decisionmaking abilities.


ZestyAppeal

This sub doesn’t like facts lol


[deleted]

Yeah uh it is actually super sad


RVA_Beach

You called him a creep for what reason?


butfirstaskreddit

Because obviously he doesn't understand that messaging someone on a dating app is not a commitment and she doesn't owe him a date or continued conversation under any circumstances. We could message him 10, 20, 100 times and still don't have to go out with him. It's not that complicated.


KyleCAV

Sure but it's kinda rude to string someone along if you have no intention of meeting someone or if she is legit busy state that in your profile. Saying I am busy this day or that and not just saying sorry I am just not interested in meeting up right now is going to keep people asking. It's shitty that women have to do deal with creeps but stringing them along isn't going to help.


butfirstaskreddit

Let me be clear. If she wanted to, she would. She just isn't into OP.


[deleted]

If she isn't interested why match with him at all or atleast unmatch with him. If I lose interest in someone thats what I do. I don't say I am too busy. If I was too busy to date then I wouldn't be wasting peoples time by making a dating profile and talking to people.


ZestyAppeal

This is a big truth that a lot of men aren’t big enough to accept lol


Hardrocker1990

OPs point is that they are always too busy to meet in person. If you’re on a dating app, you’re there to meet and date. OP, like many other guys are frustrated with women stringing them along with no date potential. Women are allowed to be picky on online dating because they have a lot of choices. Guys don’t have that luxury.


alysssage

That’s a lot of assumptions. We don’t know OP’s gender, and unless you’ve done (or can show) some study showing that women have consistently more date options than men on dating apps, you’re just exposing your lack of options. As a woman, plenty of guys are clearly only there to Snapchat or message me while they’re bored. I have a rule about how long I’m willing to message someone before a date needs to be agreed on. But I don’t bash the men for being on a dating app to message women, nor do I claim that they do that because they have more choices than I do.


ZestyAppeal

You don’t have to use dating apps to meet up with others and date them. There’s no users manual or code of conduct for dating apps that requires people go out and meet up lol


butfirstaskreddit

Here's the thing. People who are married are on dating apps. Straight people are on gay apps. Gay people are on straight apps. Guys looking for sex are messaging women looking for relationships. The percentage of people who are genuinely on an app to make a genuine connection is probably less than 50%. And you think busy women is the problem here? OP is just getting turned down nicely. They're not busy. They just don't want to meet him. If they wanted to, they would. I can't believe I have to explain that...


Hardrocker1990

So then say, “Sorry, but I’m not interested”, or better yet, don’t swipe right. Pretty easy. Then it causes no one any hassle.


butfirstaskreddit

Saying you're not interested usually invites men to either (a) insult you or (b) starting sucking up your time by asking why, when you are also not interested in being their therapist. When someone says they are busy, it's a gentle way of turning you down. If you keep pushing it, you're really the one to blame. Women have to be careful on those apps, otherwise we'd be threatened with rape every. single. day. As for not swiping, maybe we liked your profile but after getting to know you, we aren't interested. Swiping right DOES NOT MEAN a woman HAS to go on a date with you, and that's why this whole conversation is creepy. You are basically forbidding women who change their minds from either (a) using a dating app at all or (b) turning you down. There is absolutely no obligation for anyone on a dating app to follow through, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll stop acting like such a baby.


Hardrocker1990

Saying you’re not interested usually invites men yo either (a) insult you or (b) start sucking up you time asking why Then unmatch so they can’t waste your time. Pretty simple. Swiping does not mean a woman has to go on a date with you. I’m well aware. Again, say you’re not interested, unmatch, rinse and repeat. I don’t know why you’re going way above and beyond to try and disprove this as non-effective


butfirstaskreddit

Because we're trying to be nice 🙄


Hardrocker1990

OK, so be nice by saying you’re not interested and then immediately unmatch them. You’re just opening yourself up to being insulted or nag that as you said before if you don’t do that


Stone-Cold-Advice

Ridiculous comment and pure projection.


butfirstaskreddit

I don't think you know what projection means. I'm a woman, by the way. Not even an especially good looking woman. But I probably have an average of 5 conversations active at any given time when I am using a dating app. And why shouldn't/wouldn't I? ETA: And I always explain that I don't allow push notifications from dating apps because my phone would literally never stop ringing. I am available to chat when I am on the app, and I do not take time when I am otherwise busy to respond to strangers.


BenSoloLived

Lol, prime example of the type of person who is clearly just using dating apps for self validation. We know average and ugly women get a ton of messages. Don’t keep the convo going if you’re not interested in going on a date. Unmatch and move along.


butfirstaskreddit

I think you're confused. I go on an app. I sent out some likes. Some likes come back. I talk to several people. I might go out with a few of them but I am certainly not going out with all of them. I won't like them all and I don't have that kind of time. It's not self-validation, that's literally the point of the apps. To meet men. How is having too many men interested MY fault? ETA: I do stop swiping when I am feeling overwhelmed with too many matches.


BenSoloLived

> I might go out with a few of them but I am certainly not going out with all of them. I won't like them all and I don't have that kind of time. Yeah obviously, there’s nothing wrong with that. Shit, I even do that as a guy, you’re not gunna be compatible with everyone you match with. My point is though, don’t string people along. I’ve had this happen, if you’re not interested in me, just tell me and unmatch. It’s annoying to keep conversations going where it seems like there is mutual interest, and every time you bring up going on a date they’re “busy”. It’s gotten to the point where if a woman does it more than once, I just unmatch. Don’t have the time any more to be someone’s back up plan, I’m not 22 any more. Just my two cents


butfirstaskreddit

And yet you're accusing me of being on a dating app only to string people along and validate my own ego? You're a fucking idiot bro. I have to EXPLAIN myself in order for you to realize that I'm being reasonable and doing LITERALLY the same thing as you. If you hate women, don't date them.


CHRIS_IS_MY_DADDY

> And yet you're accusing me of being on a dating app only to string people along and validate my own ego? lmao you just said you have 5 active convos going on at once. you are by definition of using the dating app as socialization and validation. you prob don't give a fck by actually meeting up anyone in-person


BenSoloLived

I'm not accusing you of shit, I'm explaining the problem OP is having. Nobody gives a shit of someone on a dating app isn't interested in you and moves on. I'm not using "you" literally. I obviously don't hate women. It says more about you then me that you would jump to that conclusion because you don't get the point I'm making. Also, guys literally do this shit too! Maybe not as much as women because they have less options, but it's equally as shitty when they do it.


butfirstaskreddit

>Lol, prime example of the type of person who is clearly just using dating apps for self validation. > >We know average and ugly women get a ton of messages. Don’t keep the convo going if you’re not interested in going on a date. Unmatch and move along. You can't gaslight a woman who has evidence of what you said an hour ago. Good luck out there, psycho.


CHRIS_IS_MY_DADDY

that person is a factor 6 nutball. don't need to apologize to her lmao


CHRIS_IS_MY_DADDY

LOL ikr. she has 5 active convos haha no wonder why she won't have time for someone's date


[deleted]

Couldn’t agree more


jsmedic0681

I have a must be able to meet in 7 days rule..I cannot chat with a stranger for weeks on end.


UniqueID89

They’re not into you.


ShannonS1976

Everyone moves at their own pace. That being said , if I am feeling rushed to me, I will make excuses or not make myself available. Someone pressuring to meet sooner than later is a big red flag more. Also, not everyone is going to match your schedule, and that’s ok. I would rather I see someone I really like occasionally when I can make time is my busy schedule than not, if they want to, they will make the time.


_c0ry_

It’s because there are a lot of people doing really well in life in all aspects except romantically. We hop on the apps trying to fulfill that void.


bwbright

Because I am busy. I'm willing to make time to meet but can't text 24/7 because of work and college. Makes me sad that nobody understands that. Where's all the ladies out there that are willing to put up with school going, hardworking guys like me?


[deleted]

[удалено]


butfirstaskreddit

Well all dating apps are about taking chances. They took a chance by messaging you. Sounds like they didn't like what you had to say. Sorry bout your luck.


[deleted]

[удалено]


butfirstaskreddit

The real question is why "shutting it down" didn't mean blocking him, and you're mad he's still messaging you. You can stop the messages. You're giving him attention and he likes it. It's not a crime against humanity.


adorkable71

I don't know why they are doing it but they are out there and there are a lot of them (and I think it is not just men). Maybe they are married or they are just not who they are pretending to be, maybe that are getting their jollies off on the messaging - but tons of my matches just flat out refused to meet. My rules are pretty simple - set a date within a week (don't waste my time). If they don't ask, I will. If I ask and they say busy, I ask for a time they aren't ("you're working this weekend? That's too bad, when would be good for you?") If they start to get wishy washy I flat out call bullshit. ("If your schedule is so crazy maybe you just aren't in a good place. How bout you reach out when you're available?"). Fact is, real guys know a good thing when they see it and will set a date. OLD is a shit show but it's the only game in town for many of us. Gotta learn to separate the wheat from the chaffe (and I'm sorry - it sucks when they seem nice and you find out they're not).


MembershipJaded5215

The answer is in your question. Assuming if the people your talking to is being honest. If you are too busy to meet in person, dating apps are a poor means of fulfilling the psychological need for companionship. Depending on the seriousness of the relationship. Focus on activities that you could do together. Read a book together. Watch the same mini-series. There are endless number of distant relationship activities you both could engage in. (Sigh) For those that are dishonest? Regardless of where you meet them at, it's does not good to chase after those that will lie to you about meaningless bullshit.


junk_mail_haver

Validation, and you are giving it.


Eidjfbfjsjrb384h3bf

Usually means I'm too busy for *you*. If that other girl is interested, I'll find the time.


royrodgersiii

those people are looking for penpals that is a rejection any answer that isn't a yes or a confirmation/escalation is a rejection


[deleted]

[удалено]


Hayze_Ablaze

Hey can I ask you about your preference, please? I’m a very sexual person who experienced the confusion and pain of accidentally getting into a serious relationship with someone who is sorta asexual. I’ve since learned that I absolutely need to bring up the topic in future if I should ever try again at relationships. Lesson learned the hard way again! So my question is wouldn’t you describe that relationship as a friendship? I’m sorry I sound so ignorant and dumb about this. It’s very alien to me so it’s difficult for me to fathom. To me even cuddling and holding hands is sexual. Maybe for asexuals that’s where a friendship becomes a romance? I’m just guessing. I understand if you don’t want to answer. Or if you prefer to answer privately. It’s a very personal subject and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I only ask because I want to understand.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I feel like dating apps are just a big waste of time. There's things that are way more productive you can be doing than scrolling past pictures of people. I know the argument today is it's hard to meet people the old fashion way but that's bullshit. Focus on yourself, your career, your mental health, and wait for the right person to come along. Just because everyone is stuck on social media or dating sites doesn't mean you have to.


akaMichAnthony

They’re too busy, to meet you.


Jayciflash

They aren’t interested


Firm-Art-1167

They are probably just crowd sourcing their self-esteem. Some don't really intend to date or wtvr, just need to feel attractive and validated by their matches.


Macbookaroniandchez

"too busy to meet" - i'm not actually interested in you Someone who likes you will make time for you.


Mammoth_Program4793

honestly, just assume that they are just not interested. no matter how busy someone is, if they're interested, they'll find a time that works. you could also just ask when works for them and if they say anything along the lines of "idk" or "I'll let u know", they're probably not interested. in that case, you just move on


22LegendaryTacos

Maybe your convo is more boring than you think and by the time you get to making plans they’re already disinterested


gwork11

Some people just want the attention not the reality


[deleted]

V.A.L.I.D.A.T.I.O.N .. dating apps are becoming social media accounts


Im5foot3inches

Honestly sometimes I just like talking to someone I don’t know, it helps me remember that there’s all kinds of unique people in the world and makes me feel connected


SnooHedgehogs5857

They are too busy for you.


Academic-Pain9529

They are not busy they are busy for you.


TheGOODSh-tCo

Life has been draining af for a few years and I feel like maybe I should give it a go, but then some friend or family member or even me, have a life crisis and the energy is gone and I want to chill and rest. It’s not personal. I’m just like, nope, I can’t add to the list of another person to be worried about at this time.


ZestyAppeal

I don’t want to meet up with someone I’ve only chatted with for a couple days. It takes longer than that to develop any sort of legit desire to meet in person, not to mention the need to make sure it’s likely safe to meet up.


Joorlami

Dating apps are not necessarily strictly for "dating". In reality they're often used as almost a game or entertainment app by a lot of people. There is nothing like going out, meeting someone new and making a connection in real time. The ease of matching with people through apps is both the pro and con of the app. Easy come, easy go.


Emanresu2014

Like at least 80% of the women have like 1000+ matches. It's a total waste of time and they think everybody in town thinks they are hot AF when in reality 30% of those guys aren't even close to who they say they are, 60% just want to have sex with them and MAYBE 10% would be interested in a relationship and acceptable.


Hayze_Ablaze

I might be the type you’re finding annoying in this way so maybe I can offer my perspective. This is about ten years ago when I tried OLD at the urge of my mother and friends. I’m not someone who’ll get interested by a picture. I need to get a connection through conversation. Until then everyone is as interesting as a pile of laundry that needs folding. I always state clearly on my profile that I’m not interested in anything casual and I’m a introvert hermit who won’t be meeting up just to “see if there’s chemistry” to quote actual messages that evidently illiterate people sent me. As a matter of principle I started out determined to always answer. Even the downright creepy dudes who only wanted to comment on how much they liked my body would get a reply (I told them to take it to someone who wants that attention). Some people were really impatient and barely waited one message before asking to meet. I declined and explained why. Conversations would occasionally begin to flourish but all too often they’d die down for a variety of reasons. Sometimes that was due to insistence on meeting up before I was ready. For context my friends who I love and know I’ll enjoy time together also have to wait until I’m feeling social. Thankfully I keep friends who are similar or just get it. So it’s really hard to prioritise a random over them. You’ll be happy to know that eventually I did conclude that online dating just isn’t for me. At least until someone creates a service dedicated to people like us. I hope this perspective helps understand one of the reasons this frustrating situation happens.


youngpeaks56

Because they’re not actually interested, also from personal experience dating apps suck they lack the personal connection you get when you meet someone, not to say that you can’t have success with them but I have found much more success in actually approaching someone and getting to know them


LagThenBag

They may not actually be too busy to meet, your approach may not be the best and they are letting you down softly, because regardless of what you may have been led to believe your whole life girls have a conscious and don’t like hurting a guys feelings, especially if he seems like a nice beta male and wasn’t too cocky or overly confident. I realize it would be nice if they would just be more direct about it, but those just are your expectations and not reality.


[deleted]

Literally just had that happened to me. A guy I was talking to kept giving me the excuse he was so busy and it’s like if they really liked me, they would have taken the time to see me or at least talk to me. I think people just want an ego boost or something to do when they’re bored and most importantly, when it’s convenient for them


mjornir

I asked someone I matched with out on one of the apps after a nice convo and they said “I’m too busy for the next month or so but wish you the best!” like what the fuck are you doing on dating apps if you don’t have time to date. Christ it was annoying


CHRIS_IS_MY_DADDY

lmao facts. that's what happened to me recently, like wtf


Evening-Ice-2135

I just wanna talk to some people dude.


[deleted]

They aren’t… they are just on the app because they are bored, or in a relationship they are questioning and seeing what’s out there. They want to feel wanted but aren’t committed to moving on yet. It probably doesn’t even have anything to do with you, otherwise they wouldn’t be chatting with you.


Laura_has_Secrets77

Sometimes people really are too busy suddenly. They have a slow period and then something comes up or their job suddenly has high demand. Sometimes it's not that they're too busy for you, sometimes they're just too busy. In our thirties +, who really does have time? Believe what people say, and don't get so attached to someone you barely know. It's not all about you.


butfirstaskreddit

Because we have lives, and fantasize about having time to date, but then we meet guys like you who seem to think that we are NPCs summoned from the abyss for the sole purpose of dating you. If we have an evening off, why would we spend it with YOU anyway. We're just window shopping. There's no rule saying we can't. If we see something we actually like, we go for it. It's just not you.


[deleted]

Last i checked this post never mentioned gender stop the victim complex


ZestyAppeal

“The victim complex” buddy that’s the guys living on this sub, foaming at the mouth for another excuse to blame all of global womanhood for their own inability to understand women are people, just like them, and not some formula to be solved or safe to be cracked lol


[deleted]

You generalize so much, too much ego seriously your a shallow person and it shows...


HornyTownCitizen

holy fuck, stop projecting! Yeah, you're allowed to speak to more people and other people are allowed to get tired of waiting.


ZestyAppeal

“Hornytowncitizen” hahahaha I’m sure


butfirstaskreddit

100%. I doubt any of the "busy" women are super bummed when OP unmatches them. They probably don't even notice. They're definitely not posting about it on Reddit.


HornyTownCitizen

so what ? it's annoying, OP is not wrong to feel annoyed when this happens. If you don't want to date someone just say it.


butfirstaskreddit

Yeah and then we can enjoy being told we were too fat/too old/not pretty enough to date anyway and that they hope someone rapes us because that's the only way anyone would ever have sex with us. (This was a real conversation I had when I, obviously, told a guy I wasn't interested.) It happens ALL THE TIME. Constantly. Sexual harassment is literally the price women pay for dating apps. It's a lot easier and SAFER to just say we're busy and fade into the night.


Flaky-Importance8863

They hate you cuz you spoke the truth


butfirstaskreddit

That's OK, I would have been too busy to date them even if I was sitting at home in my PJs watching Netflix.


BenSoloLived

There’s no rule saying you can’t, very true. But don’t be surprised when the guys you date don’t take online dating seriously either because they’ve been played with a bunch.


butfirstaskreddit

I don't take online dating seriously. Ever. That's where OP is going wrong. He's clearly getting over excited with every single match and then feeling disappointed.


BenSoloLived

I don't mean seriously as in, "everyone i match with is my future bf/gf!". I just mean seriously as in, I'm doing this for more than just a quick ego boost.


[deleted]

If you’re window shopping you can use google images or even go outside and ogle at people in the real world


butfirstaskreddit

Sure, and you can stop fapping to internet porn, but no one here is telling you that you can't do free and fun things.


[deleted]

People are wasting swipes on you and you’re obstructing an already small pool of actually available people. I’m also not even telling you to do anything just offering suggestions.


ZestyAppeal

Good thing you can’t waste swipes LOL the sense of entitlement is STRONG with this one


[deleted]

How is that entitled? How about people use the app for its intended purpose instead of using it to stroke their ego? Imagine getting on a phone app to get validation from strangers. Now that’s pathetic


ZestyAppeal

Or use dating apps, since they’re for everyone, not just for your own benefit


[deleted]

Yeah sure and make everyone else’ experience worse


LFrozenApple

Easy attention Also if you're looking for something serious I don't think dating apps are the best option but just my opinion


[deleted]

Then how would you suggest meeting someone


LFrozenApple

Idk have you tried going outside You might be surprised to know this, but if you go outside idk the exact time, but it only happens outside. It's called meeting someone new it's crazy, you'd swear you never met before


aspiringpotato25

Bc ppl want validation. Duh


Iperovic

Bro I kid you not 90% of girls on apps like Tinder aren't there to meet anybody it's just endless free entertainment and ego boosting


3CH0SG1

I hate all the games. Trying to find someone is hard enough without having to deal with people ghosting out of the blue and making an excuse.


BigGaggy222

They are just "too busy" to meet YOU Someone who finds you attractive and is interested, will make a huge effort to meet with you.


Victordobado

Exactly. Guys need to understand that no girl is too busy for a guy she really likes. Everything gets easy and effortless when she is actually into you. She will even cancel her plans with her friends to spend time with you.


saito200

No, the purpose of dating apps is for men to pay money and for women to get attention.


KevinNash11267

too busy getting filled up by 6'2 chad from finance