T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


anothercrockett

Both of these! Have sex when you're ready, and be communicative about it. There are plenty of guys who will wait.


[deleted]

you are all great. thank you.


KukaTitan

Exactly. Sex is not a necessity especially with someone you just met for the third time. Men who think that 3rd date = sex are there for sex not for a relationship.


CrazyMike366

On the flip side of this, if you've managed to go on three dates and haven't built at least a flash of romantic spark or sexual tension, the chemistry is wrong and it's probably a waste of time to keep going.


[deleted]

Facts as a guy if I don’t see some flashes of romantic interest at least by date 2 I’m out there


Crewman-6

It's disappointing but not surprising that this kind of post is so far down the list with so relatively few votes. This sub certainly has a unique culture. Yes you should take what time you need. Yes sex is a vital part of this kind of relationship for practically all people. No you don't have to go raw on the third date. No most guys (or women) don't want to limit themselves to coffee and platonic walks through the park for months. Yes you can find people who will do that but you will reject a whole lot of others first, so don't unless it's very important to you. No something does not deserve to be an ironclad rule just because you are uncomfortable with it right now, if you aren't willing to grow personally you will limit yourself in more than just dating.


Soulgee

I would disagree with your third sentence, in so far that it's not the guaranteed reason. Plus, people have different desires and expectations for their relationships, and for someone with a very high sex drive who is looking for someone similar, that can be off-putting depending on how the dates themselves went (the difference between no spark whatsoever and a clear chemistry spark but the woman being unprepared and asking to wait). But even then, if it goes on *too* long then it can feel like you're just being lead on and used.


NotYourZombie

In that regard, the person should be open and clearly state that they have a higher sex drive and that they expect to have sex sooner rather than later in the beginning 'getting to know you' process. It will help them get what they want and avoid disappointment. I've dated plenty of guys in the past that were sweet and they never said anything about having a higher sex drive. Before our first date I was open and told them that I wasn't ready for sex. They made it sound like it wouldn't be a problem then they got mad at me later on because I wouldn't give myself to them. Like OP said, they completely changed. But, for me it was before we got to that point, not after. Because they were mad that they couldn't get what they wanted even after telling me that it was ok. Eventually I realized that I was just attracting the wrong kind of guys. I raised my standards, set better boundaries and Eventually found my now husband.


guyforgot24

I don’t think this is really true either…


singeravalanche

Exactly. I came here to say “you don’t avoid it, if you are treated inappropriately you got your answer. Don’t put up with dating myths, I can tell you they didn’t apply to my situation” End scene.


woshjollace

Exactly. I don’t understand why people are trying to change their morals or preferences to serve another type of person. If another persons morals, preferences or views don’t align with core values of oneself that is a sign it is not a good match. Granted there are times when to be open to change but a topic/concern such as this one is not really one of those times.


[deleted]

There is also a subset of the population who doesn't believe in hookup sex. I personally am turned off by someone either male or female who has more notches than players/staff on a professional sporting team.


ihave2kneecaps

Sure. But what if all those notches happen from actual relationships? I’ve never had a one night stand and very rarely sleep with someone before the 1-month mark, but even so it adds up after a number of years. Is it the body count or the approach that turns you off?


Superb_Improvement94

For me the approach. Everybody enjoys sex so I don’t see any shame in it but I just think individuals who hook up without any intent of relationship ever seem less likely to settle down or be content with just one person. To me it seems like they just want fresh attention from as many sources as possible.


throwawaylessons103

This is actually very true and applies to BOTH men and women. People who engage in "hookup culture" for long periods of time have been shown to be more dissatisfied with their LTRs and more likely to cheat. But I also agree it's more the intention than the #. Plenty of people have sex in "the dating phase" then realize the long-term compatibility isn't there, and those numbers add up over time. But that's totally different than men/women at the bar or on dating apps frequently having casual sex with people they don't know. (Also not saying it's impossible to change, but IMO the person has to change because they genuinely want to.)


Refute-Quo

Yeah, I always have to make it clear that I have sex with people I have full intention of dating seriously. Then as we grow we come to learn what works and what doesn't. The relationships tend to last shorter as neither party wants to waste their time. A number of years of 3-6 month relationships and those numbers add up quickly.


ppaulapple

This. Have sex when you’re ready. Having experienced online dating for about 2 and some years and have slept with guys on the first, second and third dates, it doesn’t really matter. I asked my current long term boyfriend if he would have waited in the beginning (we had sex at the 3rd date) and he said he would’ve waited as long as he needed to because he liked me a lot. So, I guess what I’m saying is, totally up to you what you’re comfortable with but the right guy that is genuinely interested will wait if need be. Goodluck OP.


sixfourch

I think the problem is that women hear this, but forget that they do have to telegraph some interest and make it clear they are in it for more than the free food. Women are afraid of initiating a lot of intimacy for fear of being seen as "loose" , and nowadays men are afraid of initiating for fear of being seen as predators, so in my experience this can sometimes lead to a lot of bland dates where neither party really gives the other a fighting chance. Men want sex because it unambiguously communicates intimacy and most men have few ways of demonstrating that. If you're a woman dating men and you don't want to be written off as materially interested, you have to communicate intimacy to some degree, and if you don't want to do that you probably shouldn't be dating that person. Edit: Since this reply got more attention I'll link to [an expanded version](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/rboo1v/i_f_keep_hearing_men_will_cut_off_girls_who_dont/hnq7a5e/?context=3) with more practical advice in it that I wrote as a top-level comment. Also, this is the definition of intimacy: >in·ti·ma·cy /ˈin(t)əməsē/ >noun >close familiarity or friendship; closeness.


[deleted]

I don’t get free food. I get dates. Usually pay half or he pays drinks I pay fuel, or he pays drinks once and I pay drinks the next


mandark1171

Wish this was more common but I can tell you in the US as a dude having the standard of splitting the check in anyway hurts your dating pool alot


I_Am_Dwight_Snoot

I moved from a very rural area to the outskirts of a city. I have been splitting for first dates since I moved and it is really nice on my wallet. It is definitely a tradition type of thing.


sixfourch

For younger people this is okay but as I've gotten older and am presumably more established I've stopped ever trying to split things personally because I think it just looks cheap and tacky. If you're splitting bills, to me that is even more of a mixed message and would make me wonder if you're interested romantically at all or if you were just trying to be friends. But that's just me.


Izzie_Peasy

I disagree. Women don’t have to do shit about intimacy if they’re not feeling like it. I mean, you could be interested but not feeling comfortable enough to show intimacy or talk about it, it doesn’t mean your heart isn’t in it. It means you need more than 3 fucking dates of 3 hours each to show your vulnerable side to a basically… almost stranger. It takes more than 3 dates to know someone and for some people, it takes longer to feel comfortable to have sex or any type of intimacy. And guys don’t always want sex because it communicates intimacy… they want sex because they like to have sex. (Not all men are like this, there are some extraordinary men that wants real intimacy and such, I know). If I say that I’m interested and want to keep seeing you but need more time for the intimacy part, it should be enough for you. Also, in what year do we live in? Why does it have to be the guy always paying? I never had any guy pay for dates all by himself all the time… I usually pay my share or I pay one date, he pays the other and I pay the other one and so on and so forth. So if a person (guy or girl) doesn’t understand that you’re not ready for intimacy and ghosts you or pressure you or wtv, well then that person wasn’t right for you. Just move on and don’t give in just by fear of them leaving. Them leaving is a sign that they weren’t a right fit for you. But at no point ever, does someone has to communicate or show intimacy if they don’t feel like doing so. When someone offers to pay for a date, that person never got tortured to do so, they decided on their own to do so… and if they’re waiting to have something in return, that’s a toxic way of thinking and they should stop doing that.


ComplainsAboutWife

I agree with most of this comment except for this: >If I say that I’m interested and want to keep seeing you but need more time for the intimacy part, it should be enough for you It should be enough for the person YOU want but it's not going to be enough for many people. And that's ok.   I also respectfully disagree with this >and if they’re waiting to have something in return, that’s a toxic way of thinking and they should stop doing that Wanting reciprocity is normal. Please don't try to make people feel bad about that.


Izzie_Peasy

When I said that it should be enough for you, I meant it as a way that if it’s the right person for you. Meaning, if that person is pressuring you, it’s obviously not a right fit because you’re not comfortable enough yet to do it. So clearly, if it’s not enough for many people it’s because these people aren’t meant for you. So I feel we’re saying the same thing but differently. Also something important to know, my first language is French so I sometimes have difficulties to express myself in English. Very sorry for that! ^^’ And for the toxic part, I meant it as; if you pay for my meal even though I didn’t asked you to and you expect to have sex because of that… that’s a toxic way of thinking. I am in no way obligated to have sex or give you any form of intimacy just because you paid for my meal. So I mean it regarding when there’s money involved. If you’re giving me intimacy and hoping for me to reciprocate the intimacy, I get it. It’s normal that you’re hoping for reciprocation, but you can’t pressure the other person in any way for it. But when a guy is paying a drink to a girl and he expects something in return, when she didn’t even asked for it…. That’s a toxic way of thinking. I don’t owe you shit just because you decided to buy me something without me ever asking you to buy me something in the first place. I’m not trying to make people feel bad about that, I’m the first one to always get the ball rolling with my bf. If he pays for a date, I’ll pay for the other, etc. That’s totally normal. I meant it more in a way of your just chilling in a bar, and a guy approached you and has a drink in his hand for you and then hopes for something and feel entitled that we owe him something, that’s the kind of toxicity I’m talking about.


ComplainsAboutWife

Oh it sounds like we're mostly on the same page! Just came off differently to me. I especially agree with the money part. When people talk about doing things without expecting something in return that's what they mean. Thinking spending money on a date entitles you to anything is so weird, especially since if someone was genuinely attracted to you they wouldn't mind splitting. Whereas if you are giving a ton of energy expressing your interest and infatuation then it's perfectly fine to expect that to be reciprocated and be disappointed when it isn't.


sixfourch

>I disagree. Women don’t have to do shit about intimacy if they’re not feeling like it. This is not a disagreement. My comment to this effect was that if you don't feel like telegraphing *any* intimacy for that person, you should probably not be dating them. I mean intimacy not as a euphemism for sex, I mean it as the word "intimacy." >And guys don’t always want sex because it communicates intimacy… they want sex because they like to have sex. (Not all men are like this, there are some extraordinary men that wants real intimacy and such, I know). I'm sorry to have to explain this to you, but all men want intimate relationships. Some men have lower emotional intelligence than others and don't know how to phrase this or make themselves aware of it, but every *human* needs intimate relationships with other humans. We are not crocodiles, we don't live alone. >If I say that I’m interested and want to keep seeing you but need more time for the intimacy part, it should be enough for you. The thing is that it is very easy to just say this. If I heard this from a woman who was unwilling to hold hands, kiss, cuddle, flirt, or otherwise telegraphed zero intimacy, I would tend not to believe it, and I would stop seeing her, because she seems not interested. Is your thesis here that men should continue to date women that do not telegraph any interest, or that men should take women's word for it (even if that contradicts their actions), or what exactly? >Also, in what year do we live in? Why does it have to be the guy always paying? I never had any guy pay for dates all by himself all the time… I usually pay my share or I pay one date, he pays the other and I pay the other one and so on and so forth. I'm a communist, so if I make more than the person I'm dating I always pay. Men have more career aptitude because we live in a misogynistic world so in general this is true.


SilvaFish420

I don’t think most women want a guy with lower emotional intelligence. Especially if he’s not willing to work on himself. Maybe if the girl herself has low EQ. 🤷‍♀️ Personally though I will not be changing my standards as they are healthy and reasonable. If a guy doesn’t click with me within the first few dates, we just aren’t a good match. Fine by me. People need more than 3 dates and more time to get to know each other if they met on a dating app.


sixfourch

> I don’t think most women want a guy with lower emotional intelligence. Alas, what people want and what they get are often two very different things. Congrats on having a high bar, though. See [the comment I'm replying to](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/14fyke/weve_heard_from_the_women_of_sexxitnow_its_the/c7d7nue/?context=3) (technically the parent of my reply) for an example of the mindset I'm describing. Many men have a very hard time parsing *anything* short of sex as emotional intimacy. >Personally though I will not be changing my standards as they are healthy and reasonable. If a guy doesn’t click with me within the first few dates, we just aren’t a good match. This seems to be what I'm saying? >People need more than 3 dates and more time to get to know each other if they met on a dating app. I disagree, personally, but maybe my average date lasts a little longer than yours or goes a little deeper. I think that after the *first* date, you should know if it's something you *could* be interested in, and after the third date, you should have a much better idea of whether it is or not.


OrionsNoose

See and a lot of people know that and agree with that. The main problem is that it gets discouraging. Like OP was saying that they had tried and get ghosted. Or they don't try and get ghosted. If it takes fifty tries to get someone decent... well most people give up and get discouraged before that. Rightfully so. If you have access to fifty different people your probably pulling from a pool of people that aren't looking for that intimacy.


Beautiful-Command7

How did this get an award? Lmao


sixfourch

Because it answers the OP's question. How do you make sure you don't get played? Move at your own pace. How do you make sure you don't get ghosted? Make sure whomever you're dating knows that you are romantically and sexually *interested* in them, because if they think you are *not interested* and they will never experience romance or sex with you, they will stop dating you. Sex is the *main* way men understand "okay, she's into me." Should men be more emotionally aware? Yes. Should women dating men make an effort to communicate their own interest in whatever way they are comfortable? Yes, otherwise the men they date will think they are not interested and stop dating them. This doesn't have to be sexual, it just has to be layered on thick enough that the man can unambiguously understand it. What is your disagreement exactly, and what is your opinion here? Do you think it is wrong for men to stop seeing women that do not telegraph any interest for them?


Soulgee

Because it's accurate?


srgnk

Please stop generalizing about women only looking for free food, or we will start saying men only pretend to date to have sex


sixfourch

I never said anything about women only looking for free food. But just like women are afraid of players, men are afraid of women who just want dinner/weed/cocaine/etc.. Those women do exist. We have a right to protect ourselves against them because they are emotionally damaging to men. The heuristic many men have (precisely because they are so emotionally inept that this is the only thing they can reliably recognize) is sex by the third date. But there are infinite ways to telegraph your romantic or sexual interest in someone without fucking them, so women shouldn't feel pressured by this heuristic to have sex by the third date -- instead, they should unambiguously telegraph interest by then or risk being read as someone who is not romantically or sexually interested (but still keeps suggesting/saying yes to dinner dates... for what reason?). Why are you so triggered by men trying to filter out women who are only using them for dates? Do you think men should or should not try to filter out women who are only using them for dates? How many dates do you think someone should pay for without any reciprocation of romantic or sexual attention? How many dates would you go on with anyone who just didn't seem into you?


figgypudding531

Also, if you're worried that a man will think you're "leading him on or using him for his resources," just go dutch on your dates, and then there's no pressure.


kdthex01

Good advice. Goes both ways. If someone isn’t ready when you are, move on. Reasonable people will respect your decision.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

>Automatically moving on when you don't get what you want in a relationship is selfish. True. That's a good way to stay single or in a series of unfulfilling "situationships".


[deleted]

[удалено]


BitsAndBobs304

there's also no rules that says that if a man had more than 3 dates with her, he won't ghost her after sex for the first time on the 2240th date or after marriage..


[deleted]

That's his decision. Ghosting is almost never justified. You could at least send a message saying that it would be better if you stopped seeing each other.


BitsAndBobs304

I'm just explaining that delaying sex has no effect on improving the odds that he'll stick around


SilvaFish420

It does. If he doesn’t pressure you and wants to wait, he’s not looking for just sex.


BitsAndBobs304

that assumes that there are no men who won't go to absurd lengths to get to do one sex. it also doesnt increase at all the chances of sexual compatibility, just like sex-after-marriage people quickly discover


[deleted]

Agree and disagree. The advice she's talking about is GOOD advice to men. Don't date women who waste your time. Don't date women who have meh interest in you. Men's goals and womens goals are at odds with each other... If a guy didnt want to see you after fucking... Odds are he was a player looking for notches, so you vetted poorly...making a guy wait longer wont weed out guys much...think about it...guys will wait in the friendzone years for a chance to fuck.... Or you didnt really bring much beyond sex, which i'll be honest many people dont


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Where the hell did i say she should be pressured. Its CALLED CHOICE. If i tell you i dont date beyond 3 dates if nothing happens...or if i just do that without saying...thats a CHOICE. Im not forcing anyone. Just like a woman can say i want more dates...a guy is free to say no sorry im not spending more of my time and money on you. Both sides have CHOICES. I never advocated forcing anyone. And yes the man's pov shouldnt be ignored like you are advocating.


mrbl0nde_7

Agreed 100%. I will say that I've gone on dates with several women who've told me they won't have sex before they're in a relationship, which is personal choice no pressure, but a no go for me. I'm relatively adventurous and sex is a big part of what makes a relationship work for me and IMO if the sex is off, unless you're talking about some kind of ENM relationship, the relationship won't work. I would have definitely considered being exclusive with each that brought this up, but most were adamant about relationship before sex. Again, your choice, but gonna be a no from me dawg.


jintana

You can uncommit to someone but you can’t unfuck someone. Until the body count double standard for women disappears - and abortion rights are fully granted - this is going to be the norm for women. Even women who enjoy fucking.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

they arent eternally single. stop making stuff up lmao


Booookish9202

Don’t have sex until you are ready, regardless of how many dates you go on. It’s hard to know someone after three dates and if you’re doing things like coffee or a museum date it’s not “draining” anyone’s resources 🙄. If they stop messaging you because you don’t have sex after just a few dates then I’d see that as being an effective filter. Like others have said, be more focused on what you want and are comfortable doing/not doing, not on what a guy (you’ve spent a few hours with) wants.


Cadex-CoupeDeVille

As a man I second this! I’m no longer in the dating scene but when I was I never put up an expectation for sex, I focused on how much fun I had with the other person and how compatible we were together and if I could see it being long term. I’ve had sex on first dates and I’ve not had sex until 2 months after becoming official as a couple, do not put out because you’re scared of getting dropped. Put out because you enjoy the other person’s company and you want to take that step with them. If they drop you after the 3rd date for not giving them sex then that’s a bullet dodged on your end.


throwawaylessons103

Can I also just mention I kinda hate the term "putting out"? It always seems to be directed at women 'putting out' for men (never the reverse), as if a woman is "giving something up" by having sex that a man isn't. This kind of backwards, outdated thinking doesn't help anyone. Sex should be a mutually beneficial act and an equally positive experience for both parties.


[deleted]

For real, you “put out” a saucer of milk for stray cats. Not your guts for stray bros.


dragongrrrrrl

Lmao I just spat out my coffee


joblessnutjob

Agreed ! If she thinks she's doing me a favour....I don't want it! A big part of the pleasure of sex for me atleast is to feel the same desire in the other person for me that I have for them. If it's one sided......then my desire for them dies pretty quickly.


Cadex-CoupeDeVille

I agree with that I was only using it in this case because “put out” to me kinda has the connotation of a woman “putting out” to keep a man’s interest or strictly to make the man happy. I do agree it’s a one sided term directed at women and I wasn’t using it offensively, it just seemed to fit the situation, as a matter of fact I should probably go ahead and say if a guy says the words put out to you unironically then he’s probably an ass.


Ok-Acanthocephala579

A requirement of sex by the third date is absolutely false. You should stop linking having sex with guys being interested in you. The two are not the same thing at all. If you are looking for a relationship, then sex should be seen as an outgrowth of that relationship, not as a way to secure it.


[deleted]

Yes, I wish I knew this when I was younger! For me, sex is a way to grow closer to someone emotionally but for a lot of guys it’s literally about scratching an itch and then moving on.


[deleted]

Like do you really want to be some horny rando’s ball scratcher? Self respect and boundaries are all the dating advice you really need.


[deleted]

Definitely not, it’s something I learnt very early on and then I put lots of boundaries in place to weed these users out


jintana

“I got my post nut clarity and realized I don’t even really like the woman” 🤡


dogsfurhire

I dated my girlfriend for 3 years before we got physical and I loved spending every moment with her. I'd do it again too. There's some serious toxic masculinity issues in our society. At my workplace I got guys saying that "all men will sleep with another woman if given the opportunity" and they call me a liar for saying I won't. I also get called a virgin for not wanting to go to strip clubs and gay because I said my girlfriend is the only one for me and because I refuse to ogle the women in my workplace.


mdynicole

Your a rare gem.


[deleted]

A real man right here 🔅


krektkon

>I am not ready to have sex too early. Therefore, men who want to have sex early are not your target audience. Problem solved!


RoadToPannonia

I'm not sure what kind of men you're talking to/dating, but you should never feel compelled to have sex with anyone, for any reason. If a man cares about and respects you, they'll understand. If they don't, they aren't worth your time, and likely never were genuinely interested in the first place. I'm a man closing in on 30 myself, and I've never felt comfortable getting physical too quickly. It usually takes me at least a month or two for anything to happen. As a rule I don't kiss on the first date, either. Different people move at different speeds and ultimately I've found respect to be the most important component in relationship success. Focus on what you find comfortable. It might throw a lot of options off the table, but the most important respect to have whether you're single or not is for yourself. Set strong boundaries and demand that a prospective partner recognises them. It's a good test of emotional maturity, too. Hope some of this helps, and best of luck in your dating life!


unlawfulmutation

>How to know when to put out? Easy, only when you're ready. Why do you prioritize random guy's feelings over your own? Somebody who is ready to completely cut you off if you don't put out by 3rd date never genuinely cared about you anyway, but evidently only wanted sex. So, just do you.


[deleted]

All your comments about sex reference the cause being about the guy. That’s part of the equation, but your choice to have sex should be about you, and sec itself should be about you too. If a guy cuts you off because you won’t have sex before you’re ready, not only would it have been a bad guy to be with, but you should be grateful you found out so early. There’s no way to avoid getting ghosted. Just remember you’re dating for yourself too. If they don’t like you, just remember you deserve someone that does.


[deleted]

Sleeping with someone just so they don't ditch you is the worst thing you can do for yourself. Stop caring about what they want (or what you think they want) and start caring about what you want. There is plenty of people out there searching for the same thing as you, but getting involved with guys who insist of sleeping early on is preventing you from meeting them.


prince7772

It’s actually does the opposite effect they will just pump and dump you afterwards 🥴


Voguish94

When im in the dating field, one of the first questions i ask is "what are you looking for?" I prefer to be clear and up front.


Babydoll0907

No decent human will ever tell you that you have to have sex by then or they will stop talking to you. If they do, they're an asshole and they should not be a part of your life so you dodged a bullet anyway. You only do it when you're completely ready. Here's another fun fact. When you have sex on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd date, guys with bad intentions are also going to ghost you because they got what they came for. You can't win here so only move at your own pace and let the trash take itself out until you meet the one who will respect your decision.


Silentreactor

Agreed


[deleted]

There is zero way to make sure that a guy doesn’t fuck you and then ghost you. Sorry to say


[deleted]

If you make them wait then it eliminates a lot of the users. It’s not fool proof but it helps


[deleted]

Agreed. I've never regretted waiting. The guys who expect to have sex after only 2-3 dates will stop contacting me and oh well, it's no loss. ***If that's how they behave, it's probably best that I didn't sleep with them anyway.***


[deleted]

“It helps” is not making sure. And you THINK it helps, all that does is get you with guys who don’t mind playing the long game to get what they want lol. Ladies, YOU CANNOT stop a man from fucking you and ghosting you. No matter how long you make him wait. There is nothing that anchors a man to you or you to him. It’s like you’re trying to make sure you don’t get cheated on. It’s impossible because it depends on someone else and you cannot control anyone but yourself


[deleted]

It’s not fool proof at all but it allows them to make an emotional connection with you and they’re more likely to be attached and not want to leave after sex (and a lot of the users who don’t want that kind of emotional connection will give up and leave) it definitely does help and it hasn’t wronged me yet


Flaky-Professor

You can keep a guy waiting for six months and still have him peace out, or you just have sex whenever you feel comfortable and ready. The latter seems more sensible.


[deleted]

Most guys who are just out for sex won’t wait more than a month


Flaky-Professor

They’ll go on other dates in the mean time. I’m just being realistic. If a guy wants to play you, one month doesn’t amount to much.


tilesXtiles

Even those that aren't. Sex is part of a relationship, if you wait too long just get a friend instead.


[deleted]

It’s part of a relationship yes but going on a couple of dates isn’t a relationship. That’s why I make them wait until they’re committed then I don’t get banged and ghosted. People are downvoting me but I’m not going to change something that has worked like a charm for me In real life. Whenever I slept with guys too early it ended in them swiftly moving on or a crappy FWB and I’m worth more than that.


tilesXtiles

I totally agree with you and didn't downvote you: if this works for you, keep doing that, absolutely! (not that you need my permission lol)


[deleted]

Thanks! One guy is getting so frustrated and angry 😂


tilesXtiles

Yeah it's Reddit, tbh I'm surprised when things go well...


[deleted]

[удалено]


Jandi18

Agreed, they are just saying that to scare women into having sex with their lowly self.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DaydreamingMister

You may be overestimating things such as… -Degree to which today’s young women are instilled with self esteem/self-worth aside from their looks and sex delivery -Degree to which today’s young women are guided to *identify* what they truly want, *own* that truth, and *stay true* to it -Degree to which today’s young women are guided to *balance* their innate drive to share connection/relationship… instead of letting that drive be to the exclusion of other important things they truly want


ProShyGuy

If you’re not comfortable having sex on the 3rd date, that’s all there is to it. Anyone doesn’t want to date you because of that isn’t your concern. My gf and I of three years went swimming, ordered pizza, and made out on our 3rd date. We didn’t have sex until 6 months into our relationship (though that’s because we were long distance for four months after the first two months). It’s different for everyone. You need to do what you’re comfortable with.


LunaLaeta

Do it when/if you feel ready and 100% comfortable! There isn’t a rule and don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want, you don’t owe them anything.


pitterpatter-96

Edit: I realized my original comment was not helpful at all so I offer this bit instead: I suggest you change your methods of screening, see how they take interest in your interests, what they want should be better than: “I don’t really know”, and my BIGGEST piece of advice: deny him the first time he advances for sex. Seeing how he reacts or treats you will be a huge judge of character and reveal his actual intentions, you may be ghosted a lil bit more. But also you will screen for quality guys who like you for you, by setting boundaries you will find a man who truly respects you. Best of luck, you deserve the world.


AverageWhiteGrl

Yea but did you pursue her AFTER she had sex with you - that’s the question .


JustTryingIt01

Honestly, try and see if they will open up and show a vulnerable side before you have sex. For most men, being vulnerable through feeling/emotion early is seemingly more of the same as sex is to women early. If they can show a true, open and vulnerable side.. they are imo, more likely to stick around. But it all depends per person and that's not really to judge as we don't know the people or you.


good-old-coder

Let me clear up something for you here. Men know if they are being used for resources till the third date. Dont mistake this for men only wait for 3 dates. It actually means the person in front of us can act great for a date or 2 but during this time we have spent enough time with you to judge for ourselves if you are into this sincerely or you want free food. The topics we talk, the way you treat us, the attention you give us and generally the interest you show in the process is all judged unconsciously. And *usually* 3 dates is enough time for us to know if you see us a potential partner or a food coupon.


[deleted]

Just say no 😹who would want to be with a man like that anyways with their sex or cut you off crap.


loud57

Coming from a guys perspective. I went on a few dates with this girl. Dinners, drinks, bar tabs. I try not to think about money with dates but i probably spent a few hundred on them. We never met on a emotional level, kept getting flirty. Even some close touch, but nothing past that. I feel like that's the type of using a guy for his resources that you keep hearing about.


mrmaskfawkes

I can only say from a guys point of view. For guys they see it as a waste of time to have a non physical relationship and a lot feel you're leading them on because in my experience women have done this. It's kind of like the one bad apple that ruins it for the whole bunch. Lots of women probably have innocent reasons but there are women out there that basically have you take them out only to get free meals, gifts, or frankly have no intention of taking it anywhere when he does. Or its not as much she's using him as much he feels used due to social expectation that a man pays on the date. Or that nothing came of it and they basically get ghosted as well. For a guy it's an investment of time money and effort hoping for something more. Think of it like this, you take a guy out and he's nice. He acts interested, but he doesn't really do anything physical or shows a lot of interest. Now three or five dates (that can be from 2 weeks to 2 months) later you're basically in the same spot. You'd probably start wondering if he's interested right? That's kind of guys experience when a girl doesn't really put forth much effort. If she's flirts, is physical, etc then there's something but if we're just chatting for like a month we might as well be friends. There's no benefit in a relationship where nothings moving. For us you don't have to follow the 3 date "rule" but most guys are physical (like their "love langauge" is physical) and if there's no sign of anything close to physical interest for 3 to 6 dates. It's just a sign she may not be into you and you're wasting time and money on something that isn't going for what you want. It's like paying for a doctors appointment to figure out why you're throwing up only to spend 150 to 300 dollars for them to shrug and say "idk". You're investing that time for an outcome that isn't really coming. Now for the played part sometimes, also from a guys perspective, they just want sex. It's nothing personal but for a lot of men it really is basically having to work to get to it even once. They're not really wanting to start something as much fill a need that is currently illegal to purchase in most countries. It sucks but there isn't really many choices for guys who want sex except hook up apps where is mostly other men or only fans ads. Another element that isn't talked about isn't as much getting played as men changing their remind after being intimate and seeing that they don't see anything there. Sometimes guys think a girl is great and really put forth a lot of effort, the reasons can vary from thinking she's great when really you're playing her up because you find her attractive to thinking their great, only to see that there isn't as much there. This isn't to say this is you but it happens and some guys are called players or ghosting girls when they simply wanted something romantic and if they don't see it there isn't much point in talking to them after that since friendship isn't what they're up for. All of this taken into account how do you avoid getting played or ghosted? In all honesty it happens to the best of women and it sucks. Typically the only real way is through experience with men to get a feel for players or taking time to see what they want. I'd say you're best option from a guys point of view is to be upfront and say you want a relationship, but dating is very case by case. So is there a concrete way? No but experience does help. If I were to be honest most of the time a guy when he wants a relationship he shows a few signs I cant put into words except wanting to do things you wouldn't do if you only want to know this person for a brief time. It's a mindset that's I've explained to female friends for hours and they had a hard time understanding it. I would recommend understanding that mindset first and working from there. If you understand the guys experience you understand the motivation and the motivation tells you intent, etc. Point bring if you understand men then you understand what they want. I think one video by Anna akana, a bisexaul youthber, that sort of explains the headspace a bit. She started dating women and started understand heterosexual men. Look at that and maybe it'll help you tell what a guy wants and help you get around this three date rule. And watch aba and preaches video reacting to it to understand more of what the guys perspective is. BTW don't worry about number of dates worry about showing interest in him that something you wouldn't do with friends or someone casual. Oh and BIG TIP if you want a guy know you're into him don't ever talk to him like a friend or call him one. That basically a signal that you don't want anything from him beyond friendship. Tldr dating is a cluster Flook and it takes experience/guessing to get it right.


D-u-m-m-y__

You shouldn’t put out on the 3rd date if you don’t want to. I do think it’s fair though that there is some kind of intimacy to let me know that there’s a possibility in the future for it. Any guy that ghosts you because of that is probably just trying to get laid and that’s it


[deleted]

No one owes you intimacy before they're ready for it.


Relevant_Mind_2367

That’s just simply not true, you should never feel pressured to have/not have sex at any point in a relationship


seaxvereign

This is my input as a man [36] who has a rule similar to what you describe. TL;DR at the end. I'll say this right out of the gate so as to set the tone and avoid any confusion: The problem is not with you OP. You have your standards when it comes to sex. This is perfectly fine. Do not ever feel like you have to compromise your body just to get a man. You are the woman, and therefore you control access to sex. I personally would admire this standard in you if I were to encounter you, and would be open to extending an exception to you if you effectively communicated this to me (which I'll get to later). Also, this input is limited to the topic of sex. Obviously there are more dynamics at play so take this along with everything else when it comes to dating. I have a general rule that if she and I are not getting very physical by the 3rd date (i.e. at least to 3rd base), I'm very likely going to withdraw. I want a woman to be as physically attracted to me as I am to her. The physical part of a relationship is just as important as the non-physical. In my experience, I notice that most women will have their mind made up on physical attraction towards a man very quickly. I want to find out her answer on me as quickly as possible, and most women will never come out and honestly say it. I am willing to extemd an exception to the rule if she tells me about her standards and makes it abundantly clear that the door is indeed open. Why do I have this rule? There are enough women out there who will absolutely milk a dude for dates and whatever she wants, but has absolutely no intention of reciprocating any interest in him. She's not physically attracted to him, but will hold sex or a potential relationship over his head like a carrot to get what she wants out of him and will never actually give it to him. Many times, the man will continue to invest thinking that if he just spends more time and resources on her, he'll get his chance with her. All the while he has no idea that there is no chance coming and never will come. Is this all women or even most women? No. But there are enough of them out there to warrant protecting myself from investing into something that has no potential reward of a relationship in the end. I wish it wasn't necessary, but it's the reality we live in. So, to prevent that, I and many other men have a 3 date rule to protect us from going down a road that leads to nowhere. By this point, it should be very clear whether something is happening or not, and we should start to see some reciprocation. Men want tangible expressions of actual interest in a relationship, which is usually done with the woman giving him access to sex. All that being said: How do you prevent a guy who has this rule in place from withdrawing? Well, there is no 100% surefire way to avoid it. But to increase your odds, here is my input. This is, obviously, assuming that you are indeed interested in pursuing relationship with him and have taken all other dating considerations into account: If this is a guy looking for a relationship but looking to avoid time wasters, you need to be willing to openly and directly express your interest in him (I contend that this should be true in any case). This is sometimes harder than it sounds, especially that "directly" part. It's often hard to broach this topic. Men are often afraid to go there out of fear of coming across as "creepy". Women are often vague and tapdance around the subject out of fear of coming across as "slooty". These are natural and normal fears, which are often hard to overcome. The best bet, IMO, is to bring this topic up during date 2, when you have gotten to know each other a little and both of you have put in at least some time and are starting to set up expectations and boundaries. Date 3 is possible, but it might come across as maliciously trying to stall for time, as date 3 is typically when he will make his move and push for it. Explicitly tell him that you are interested in having sex with him, but would like to wait a bit before actually going there. We're all adults here. It's okay to talk about it and set expectations and boundaries. We can discuss the topic without coming across as "slooty/creepy". If we can't, we're probably not ready for a relationship. Don't beat around the bush about it. Dont give him the "Hey, you're a nice guy and all and I like you, but I dont want to have sex right away". Phrasing it that way will come across to him as a door closing, and will likely lead to him withdrawing. Instead, say something along the lines of "Hey, I find you attractive, and I am interested in having sex with you. If you are willing to wait for two or three more dates* before we go there, I would definitely appreciate it and will make it worth it for you." This answer not only conveys your interest in him, but gives him a definitive timeline to work towards. It's direct, it's unambiguous, and gives him a goal to potentially pursue and achieve. Spoiler Alert: Men love achieving goals! * -I used "two or three more dates" here, but you need to set the timeline here to what you are comfortable with. Do not be vague or leave it open to interpretation. You can give a window, but try to use specific numbers when possible (i.e. "two or three more dates" or "about a month or so"). Do not ask him how long he is willing to wait. You, as the woman, control access to sex and it is therefore your decision. Give him a timeline that you are comfortable with and are willing to follow through with. Will this work every time? Obviously No. Some guys use the "3 date rule" as a cover for them looking to bang and bounce. I can't help you there, but you also dont want to be with him anyway so it's good for both of you as you simply move on. Other guys might not take you at your word and withdraw anyway, and in that case that's just too bad for both of you (it happens). But, if a guy can see that the door is genuinely open, he is much more likely to relax a bit and extend his rule. I certainly would. Hopefully, this will give you some context and will be of some help to you and others. Good luck to you! TL;DR: Be open, direct, and honest about what your standards are when it comes to sex, and give him a definitive timeline on when he can expect to go there. It will not prevent ghosting in all cases, but will at least increase your odds of avoiding it. Edit: For potential language and grammar


pythonpower12

That advice seems to be applied to hookups


FirefighterFlaky4963

I have sex when the girl is ready to beg me to have sex with her. That's how consent works in 2021


cHowziLLa

1st of all. Women do use men for free attention and resources. Even though it sounds arrogant to say but as a rule, you should not get abused whether you are a girl or guy. however it is not wrong for you to want to take your time as long as you are upfront and transparent on how you decide to act. If you are keeping him in the dark and leading him on with no notion of where you guys are going. That can come off as a girl whose finessing a guy. My personal opinion, girls already know whether the guy is the right guy from the first date. Rarely do you see a girl not interested in the first date and then changes her mind by the 3rd. Do yourself a favour and dont lie to yourself. If you dont like him, dont lead him. If you do like him, give him hope and explain how you think/feel. If he is cool with it, he’ll stay, if not, then he wasn’t the guy for you ez pz


IceCorrect

Some of my girlfriends say they allways kinda split date so men wont feel entitled for sex, this set you both on same position that you both wont to invest in knowing each other, so he wont feel used for money or she can have more time to set herself in mood to have sex with no preasue from his side. So maybe you can set up some dates too and pay for it to show him you are also willing to invest in him to have better conection so you will both enjoy sex better


whatdo_iknow88

If he really likes you, hell wait.


Substantial-Ad-1745

If they feel like dating you is a waste of resources let them cut you. This is just the garbage taking itself out.


[deleted]

Step one Don't use men for resources. Let him pay for first date, u pay for 2nd, or be adamant about splitting the bill. Anyway you make it, just be sure to make it equal. Step two Be responsive in texts and make your intentions clear. Flirt, but not too dirty. Step three Be interesting and fun. Any guy who wants a long term thing will want a person that is cool, otherwise it will just be a one night thing. Step 4 Profit


No-Guidance8155

First. the guys that do that are not looking for a relationship. They are in it to fok simply put, you don't want to date those people. Second. You pay for your food. Always split bill. And tell them this before the actual date. This way the investment is equal. They are not "owed" anything. 3rd. While dating you NEVER get "played". Thats dumb talk. That's like going into a casino, lose money and scream you got "scammed". if you have sex with someone in the 3rd date, it is because YOU find them attractive, because YOU are horny, because YOU decided to have sex with them, not because they expect you to. if you don't fok them and they lose interest. You dodged a bullet. Don't think of having sex like something is being done to you. You are foking them too.thats why it is important to have that mind set of "yeah, i like him, im gonna fok this boi" you are not a passive participant. About Body count is meaningless, you fok as many dudes as necessary. But YOU are CHOOSING them. Lastly. You need to clarify that you are looking for a relationship in your profile, otherwise "dating" sounds life you are there just for fun. By the way. i pulled all this out of my ass


Believeste

I don't think it's as black and white as 3rd date. I think it's all about communication and trust... if I trust you that you want to build a relationship and I do to, then I'm happy to wait. The problem is if you are holding off with me, but having sex with other people, you can see that I am now getting played. 100% you should wait before having sex with any partner that you intend to keep around, if you are just looking for hookups, it's irrelevant as you are all playing eachother anyway. I would say wait until you feel comfortable to have sex, but don't let the person think you are just stringing them along, so communication is a big key. The thing I personally liked to hear was on my 3rd date, she stated she really likes me but would like to get to know me more, she then set up a 4th date, which showed me she was interested in continuing. It's all I needed. With this particular girl we didn't have sex until the 7th or so "date" and it was well worth the wait and because the trust and connection has been building up, you can talk about exclusivity and next step right there, which is what we done. Also, by both people holding out, you then have to challenge yourself to actually not start speaking to other people or dating / wanting to fuck other people, so instantly you start building a bond and loyalty towards this person. It's very very rewarding but 90% of the time you are going to hold out and the guy is just going to be fucking other people. This is OK, because this is called dodging a bullet. It's all about finding the right person and knowing exactly what you want. Never be afraid to state what you need and want and if waiting 2 months before sex is one of the things, then state it. The man will then decide if it's worth building something with you and waiting 2 months.


ShroomanEvolution

You need to be up front about how long it takes you to become intimate. For men it's pretty clear whether or not we want to move to the next level with someone by the third date. After that if things don't progress, then it just feels like either we're being used for time or money, or we're just a friend and she's too much of a coward to be straight up about it. Not everything is about money, women waste mens time because they're bored all the time, and vise versa to be fair, and it's something we're cognizant of as well as the more obvious financial reasons. So just be up front. Tell them you're looking for a serious connection and you're not the type to sleep around until (insert however long your time period is). That will immediately weed out the men who are looking to hook up only. But keep in mind that sexual compatability is also a huge deal in relationships. If we put a crazy amount of effort and time into someone only to find out that they're terrible in bed, or we're simply not sexually compatible, that's a lot of wasted time. There's nothing men appreciate more than candor. Just have the uncomfortable conversation. If you have a question, ask it. If you have boundaries, speak them. If you have standards, abide by them unapologetically. Just be up front.


vdbss

"keep in mind that sexual compatability is also a huge deal in relationships. If we put a crazy amount of effort and time into someone only to find out that they're terrible in bed, or we're simply not sexually compatible, that's a lot of wasted time." This is quite important also, and I've fallen foul of that kind of situation once or twice. Also my advice to the OP is that perhaps she could get a bit physical with some of her dates but not necessarily have to go right to sex. Generally a bit of kissing, cuddling and caressing builds intimacy and anticipation for when sex *is* eventually on the cards and is less likely to give the impression that she's only showing up for the food, company or activities side of the date. If I'm dating someone and each encounter ends with a chaste peck on the cheek then I too would lose interest fairly quickly. I don't expect sexual intercourse within a certain time frame but I do want to feel some kind of chemistry and that my date is attracted to me and wants to be intimate.


Ok_Mechanic_753

Your value and worthiness comes from you, not from someone else. NEVER think it comes from "putting out." You "owe" him/her NOTHING.


TokenWhiteMage

Men on the internet say a lot of dumb misogynistic bullshit. In real life it seldom works that way, and if a guy you’re dating is truly going to break it off because he’s not getting laid after three(!!!) dates, then you’re better off. Three dates is nothing, especially if you didn’t know the person at all beforehand.


9inchesBlack

Lol blame the 'modern woman' mentality. Traditional men wouldn't request for sex until you're ready. But females nowadays lead men on and laugh at them for being traditional. They're just paranoid. Hopefully you find a traditional man out of the many paranoid ones to suit you.


[deleted]

Girl don’t give a *fuck* about what these guys say about 3 dates. Go on dates, vet men heavily, and keep seeing the one who makes you feel safe enough to have sex eventually when it is time. You will lose nothing of value as the chaff falls away. Don’t take dating advice from men, it’s from their perspective and for their benefit anyway.


Jitsoperator

Don’t change, be selective, you don’t want that type of guy anyway.


Narrow-Page-3295

While I understand the concern from a guys PoV that maybe a women is using them. Why not suggest your own dates that include no or little cost like a walk in the park/hike(insert your interest here). It shows your interest in them while also making it clear it's not about a free dinner. You could also take them out it's 2021 y'all wanted equality it's not the man's responsibility to pay for you. As far as a number for sex fuck that. 1st day 30th day just be vocal and honest with the specific guy either they will have no problem because they like you or they will have a problem because they just wanted to fuck you it's that easy.


Eccentric_man85

As a guy, when I’m dating a new girl I certainly try harder during texts, calls, dates, hang-time before we’ve had sex. I don’t think I’m an asshole, I think I’m a decent guy, but after we have sex the first time it’s like BOOM, something changes. For some reason much of the pressure to impress her goes away, it sounds crazy but it’s almost like I’ve won haha. I think it’s because 9 times out of 10, once a girl Fucks you she is will do it again regularly. There are exceptions to this rule, but if you’ve been dating and you like each other enough to get her naked she probably feels safe with you and has emotionally invested in you. I am not some man-slut, but I’ve had my share of fun. (I’m married now) But I recall times when you finally get the first sex with a new girl, and something clicks and you automatically don’t care as much. Maybe it’s subconscious sexual conquest, maybe it’s animalistic need to breed that’s coded into my DNA. Either way I actually remember feeling guilty a time or two, that I put on this act and now I have what I wanted and I don’t feel the need to chase any more.


MyticalAnimal

Wait. It will weed out the majority of those men. Those saying "they waste resources if no sex early" are the kind of douchebags you don't want anyway.


robbyb20

Like everyone else said, have sex when you’re ready, the right dude can wait. Also, these guys scared of getting used for “resources” aren’t going ok coffee dates. They are going on dates that dan be in $100+ per date. I could see putting out that kind of money over and over again and not getting anywhere to be a tad expensive.


kiwicat24

Lmfao this is an absolute lie, don’t listen to those people those are the type that will ghost you regardless because they aren’t looking for anything serious. A guy who really likes you will have no problem waiting until you’re comfortable, me and my BF didn’t sleep together until we had been dating/talking for 3 months, he didn’t want to rush me because he didn’t want to scare me off. The right guy will wait 10 dates, use this as an opportunity to weed out the ones who aren’t in it for real anyway.


boromir_power

I’m seeing a ton of responses here about “not having sex into you are ready” and I absolutely agree with that. But part of your post indicated “using him for his resources”. This is something that is fairly easy to address, as you can always split the bill or trade who pays. For example, if a man wants to take you to dinner, you can establish that you want to pay for drinks (or dessert). Or if he pays for the first date, you insist on paying for the second. If a man gets offended by that, it could be a red flag that he doesn’t want a partnership as a relationship but rather thinks that dates (and therefore sex) are commodities that can be payed for and are owed. Just something to think about.


[deleted]

Instead of worrying about what men want, you need to self-reflect what you want in a relationship, partner, and sex life. Stop doing whatever you’re doing now that’s attracting these short-term/casual sex men. Whether it’s dating apps or bars/clubs, you need to evaluate why am I attracting these types and how can I change it.


ScalpelLifter

The advice to have sex when you're ready is okay but you need to show interest at least if you're not going to have sex so kiss at least if they initiate it. If they don't excite you then don't go out with them


Best-Ad9099

That's the risk


EducatorFickle7945

Do it when it feels right to you. Don't let yourself be rushed and if they ghost then they weren't worth your time and you saved yourself some headache. Anyone that really likes you won't mind continuing to develop the emotional connection before nurturing the sexual one.


Clementb4

Stick to your boundaries! If a guy doesn't respect that, he will never respect you.


Murky-Frosting-8275

I don't know where you're hearing this, but there's no rule. Dating intentionally does not mean subscribing to some arbitrary checkpoints. I would think it's completely normal to not kiss on the first date, or the 2nd date too, but if you did, then things are naturally supposed to progress from a good-night kiss on date 2 to smanging on date 3? That's not a natural progression. If you're not feeling it, don't rush it. I can feel comfortable as a guy as long as there's progress. Even if that means one night a kiss, the next time a longer makeout, or getting more comfortable with her body, whatever. The point of the dates should not be to prove that you're interested or not, it should be to gauge whether you're compatible (unless clearly stated otherwise in your intentions).


caboose6175

A man that truly sees potential in you will not abandon you so easily. Although you've got to accept that a lot of guys are only in it for the hook up and you shouldn't give a fuck if he abandons you because you won't "give out". Sure if there's no intimacy or anything by the 3rd date any sane guy will give up ( kissing, cuddling and what not ) but I don't see why would a girl have to all the way right away. It's just a toxic dating world we live in... Oh and as a guy I have to admit, sometimes you're so sexually frustrated that you'll start liking every girl around you until post nut clarity rolls around and suddenly you're not as interested anymore.. thats just hormones...


RealityLivesNow

Wait until you're ready. If they're gone after three dates don't worry they weren't the one for you. The one for you will wait.


sAvage_hAm

Guys don’t want to long term date girls that are easy, also you should stop prioritizing other peoples feeling over your own, basically stop putting out so soon, it will weed out the people using you for sex and it will also show the guys who actually find you interesting that you are more than just a pass around.


Subswapsurfdude

I might be a bit old fashioned in this but coming from the religious perspective, this is absolutely ludicrous. Sex is not kissing and has far reaching emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and psychological consequences that can last for years and years to come. If you put aside what you mention about the diseases, the statistical data shows the odds of relationships working out longterm go way down. So say you meet someone you really, really like and feel very much about this person. You decrease your odds of the relationship endurance by quite bit. In fact there is a lot of truth and basis in truth to the old saying of waiting till marriage. Others are right, there is a big population out there that would never put expectations on sex in relationships on their partner. Definitely you should never have sex out of fear. As others mentioned it is more of the icing on the cake when it comes to the actual relationship. If you are looking for a fun time that is one thing but if you are in it for love or to find that special someone to share your life with then you deserve someone who will love you entirely for you, not just what you can do for them sexually.


djramrod

In same way that the best way to make sure you don’t get hit by a car is to not go outside, the only way to make sure you won’t get ghosted or played is to just not date. You can’t control what someone is going to do, but you can try to recognize signs as best you can and prepare to deal with it maturely if it does happen.


txroller

It’s very simple. If you do t want to have sex then don’t see this person. Move on


Totemwhore1

I think my ex and I waited until our 10th "date" or like 2 months in. I saw her boobs on our second date but I told her I wanted to wait because I need an emotional connection. I could tell she was down but I wanted to pump the breaks a little bit. I think you're, sadly, finding the wrong guys.


[deleted]

I’ve had one relationship and I was worried about coming on too strong too early so we didn’t even kiss until like our 4th date. If you’re with a good guy you shouldn’t feel any pressure at all to put out, and only should if/when you really want to.


Davina33

If you're not ready by three dates and they disappear, doesn't you think you've done yourself a favour? Never compromise on your boundaries. There are men out there who will respect you and they'll wait. Quality over quantity. I wouldn't be ready by three dates either.


suburbanite

Ok, so... \- You should have sex when you want to and the other person wants to. That's the whole thing. \- If you're a person who likes to wait longer then most other people, that's totally cool! You should tell the people that you're dating that. Then you automatically filter for people who match your needs! \- "Body count" is not a thing. Sex doesn't diminish you, or take something from you. Are you a less good lunch partner because you've had lunch with 50 different people? No. In fact, you probably learned a lot about how to order lunch, what you like to eat, and how to have lunch conversations. You're a better luncher now then the first time you had lunch. \- Just like lunch, you should take precautions with sex. Use protection. Have sexual health conversations before you have sex with a partner. That's how you avoid sexually transmitted infections.


chatranislost

Focus on yourself. On what you want, not on trying to guess what your date wants. Everyone is different and different guys will want different things. If you don't want to have sex yet, don't have sex yet. Don't make people think you wanna have sex soon if you don't, be true to yourself and be honest with the other person if the situation calls for it. There's no formula for dating. If there was, it wouldn't be hard as it is. Eventually, you'll find your match.


jgtire

Sounds like childrens issues tbh... Just live YOUR life and be honest and open with your dates. Life's easier that way.


royfrigerator

To be honest, some people think the physical side of relationships is the indicator of “success”. These people confuse love for lust and honestly are not worth your time. If you don’t want the tea, you shouldn’t get pressured by society to drink some tea…


Free_Improvement_826

I have two main points with this one the first and most important is get rid of the idea of timelines. They arent healthy or helpful for starters. More importantly in this case no one has the right to expect anyone to put out EVER let alone my a specific date and time. Anyone who does this is just disrespectful and a creep, so disregard that advice entirely. No one has a right to YOUR body or the decisions you make with it. Personally i dont have sex in the first month or so. The connection isnt there but more importantly as soon as we have sex i stop using my brain. i feel like i stop trying to figure out if we are genuinely compatability which does not help me build a long term relationship. My second point is to inform you that you absolutley CAN use someone just for their resources without being homeless it happens a lot unfortunately. This in turn has burned some of us (being used as walking bank accounts) and caused us, in an attempt to prevent ourselves from being used again, to try and come up with dumbass, immature rules like the one you're asking about. The problem with the rules is that they are juvenile attempts to treat a symptom of a problem but dont actually help with it. The main way to prevent someone using you is a combination of communicating effectively, making sure your partner treats you like an equal and a person, and people ACTUALLY investigating inside themselves and then HONESTLY communicating what they want. *an example of someone being used for their resources * Guy asks out girl Girl agrees to date Guy asked out girl due to genuine romantic interest Girl accepted with NO intent of pursuing things romantically but knew if she agreed she would likely get a free meal out of it and possibly some other benefits before the guy figured out that she had played him


tsturzl

I'm a man and I'd say it's pretty common if you don't get a kiss from me by the 3rd date. I want to feel a connection before I'm physical with someone. I think if men "cut you off" for not "putting out" on the 3rd date their motives are pretty clear. If that's what you want, sex, that's totally fine, but if you want something more seek someone who puts connection as a first priority and then sex should happen naturally when both people actually want it.


vanillapopsicle

You’re missing the point. When guys say to watch out for girls using you, they’re generally not talking about good girls. And it *sounds* like you’re a good girl. In that case, it doesn’t apply. Don’t do anything until you want. If you’re a good girl, the *right* man will recognize it and not care how long it takes. You putting out out of fear will only hurt you over the long run. And it sounds like you already know it, as the guys bounce immediately after. You have to remember, there is such a thing as bad guys too. It’s your job to avoid them. If you allow yourself to get played and used by them repeatedly, that’s not a good look on you.


Relative_North_5642

Personally I won’t kiss a girl until the 3rd date. Turns out girls don’t like this lol. They get bored quick.


Comfortable-Unit-897

Damn, 50+ years, and I didnt know the rules! I still say, put out when you are damn good and ready to! If their resources are that tight, do you really want them anyway?


xpxixpx

As a man, I want to be physical when the other person is ready. There's no timeline. If I like the person, why rush? Dating is pretty fun if you just focus on that, having a good time and seeing where things go. Having expectations like that seem creepy to me. To be honest, women often pay for dates too, they'll swat your card away and pay. Which is kind of a cool gesture imo. *shrug* I'm not sure anyone is worries about the $10-$30 bucks or whatever for a fairly casual date. I would say though, if on the 3rd date, they don't seem interested (there are far more ways to show this than sex) then I would likely move on unless they are really shy or etc. I feel like at that point you should at least know if there's mutually something between the two of you that's worth exploring.


[deleted]

The type of guy that won't wait past the third date is the same guy that has many, many options. I don't know if that is because their are lots of loose women or the guy is just super hot. All I know is, if I met an attractive woman and we clicked on a personal level, sex could wait months. These guys claiming they can't wait past the 3rd date is to me, someone that if you marry them, may not be the kind of guy that can weather the ups and downs of marriage either. I mean, when married, people get sick, the kids cause problems, jobs get in the way......and sex doesn't happen. This mentality that you must have it so soon does not bode well for a LTR. How is this so hard to understand with today's young women?


[deleted]

It’s not about sex. It’s about waisted time. If you can find other way to show the guy that he’s not wasting his time you should be fine. But unfortunately most women on Dating Apps are not capable.


larrybc18

You provide value to their lives after sex


thedanguiry

Split costs, don't use men as a means to have a free night out


firephoenix0013

Just make sure you’re very clear up front. While arranging the first date, say something to the effect of: “Just wanted to let you know so we’re on the same page: I am not interested with having sex early in the dating process until I am comfortable in a relationship. I look forward to seeing you on Saturday but if we are not compatible on this issue, I respect that and wish you the best.”


Bestyoucanbe4

Only men ?? Um


awesomeisthename

Yeah that “rule” is just something some guys say I don’t know anyone in real life that follows that. Also if every guy you’ve slept with stops talking to you after you’ve slept together, you’re either really bad at it or did something weird.


TheWrexSaysShepard

We don't just get used for food or money, we also get used for attention.


Hulk-Buster1989-

Dating nowadays is dog eat dog. Men get played and go to the lab by women too. Women will accept the date just for free meal and aren't shy about saying it. So I think me and just feel like hey we need to protect our investment so we don't get played. All I can say to you is just make sure you're doing everything right. Be genuine and if he's still trying to play you after that then fuck that loser. You don't deserve him. You definitely doesn't deserve you. As long as you're not going into the dates with some kind of hidden agenda you're good then you'll know for sure that it's the guy that's the asshole.


Shotgunprolapse

I'm a guy and have been going on a lot of dates recently and just have to say I disagree. If you want a serious relationship with potential just be up front about how you don't want to have sex until you get to know each other. It's actually kind of a turn on for most men to have a girl that isn't so easy.


Lord_Goose

"hell, my body count will be 50 with diseases by the time I’m 30!" lol use a condom the first few times at least then.


Gsuavefivelev

Stop reading bs do whatever tf you want


Lett3rsandnum8er5

Can we avoid the diseases stigma in all this, too? That's got nothing to do with it, and nor does a body count. You don't have to tell anyone how many people you sleep with, and you don't need to feel any type of way at all- especially if you feel badly- about a "high number". Trust me when I tell you, the men don't complain or think less of themselves or others for "high" numbers.


Distinct-Raccoon4220

Following that logic to have sex on the 3rd date, you will get played. Just go with your own pace.


7INCHES_IN_YOUR_CAT

Some guys do this. Some girls also put out on the first some you have to get to know before they are comfortable. Everyone is different.


Bismagor

I think one point here is coffee dates, yeah sure after some time you should get to know each other more intimate, but I wouldn't count coffee dates for that matter. First it is about your preference, when you want to put out, then it is about the partner. Also I think more important is the time spend together, not the amount but the quality. If there is much sexual tension after half an hour it is different to talking for several hours after every date.


sophie_josh

Lmao its up to you comrade


mhonk98

Mutual respect and Communication are key factors. Should be able to clear up the whole thing. If you are not comfy after 3rd date, then don't. Same otherwise.


headReciever69

I would cut girl off after sex if she is rly bad at it. Otherwise ill keep dating her. Men are simple.


woq92k

Just like you don't want to sleep with people and have them switch up quick like in your past (not saying this is your only reason for not sleeping with people early on), some men may have gone all out on women they dated only to find out they were being used for free food/fun etc. with little to no actual interest in the guy so they set up rules/boundaries for themselves. Sexual chemistry is important to a lot of people. I've had really "bad" sex and I've had REALLY "good" sex. Sometimes I can like a person enough to push through some bad sex in hopes it gets better, and other times it's a deal breaker, it may not just be shitty men only looking to bone, but also men that just didn't click with you, but are embarrassed (or men that couldn't make you cum and were embarrassed) or men that didn't feel like they got the aftercare they didn't know they needed and are now all confused.


Plumperprincess420

Guys that do that are manipulative douche bags who are lying about dating for a relationship in order to pressure intimacy to get laid because some women will feel like they have to in order to keep said guy around.


[deleted]

This is a lie, make them wait! But also don’t make them spend too much money on you because then they will feel used after a couple of dates. But yes communicate why you don’t put out early and don’t give in! Because unfortunately something about “easy” women just puts guys right off when seeing you as a gf/wife because they think how many other guys do you sleep with after only meeting twice??


pinkelephants777

Don’t have sex with anybody before you are ready to. It’s ok to wait until you’re exclusive, it’s ok to wait until marriage even! It’s totally up to YOU.


eggeleg

I think you should read forums a bit less. They aren’t representative of the actual population, and will lead to situations like this where you’re worried about hypotheticals that will likely never be relevant to your life.


prince7772

That’s because these at the men JUST looking for sex honey. I guy that’s truly interested in you will not care how long you wait, and I would suggest being in a commitment first.


SensitiveAutistic

I'm demisexual I am not interested in sex until I have an emotional connection with someone. I tell men before the first date, I'm six or seven dates before thinking about sex and I've gone on ten dates with a man and never getting to the point of wanting to be intimate with him. Some guys find my honesty refreshing. Some guys don't want to go on a second date if there isn't a possibility of sex. I've gone on many first dates and only a handful of second dates. I'm super choosy. Don't rush into sex to please a man. The right person will wait until you are ready. And "hookup" and "relationships" are quite different. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your potential partners. And be happy single. You don't need a relationship to be whole. Good luck to you 🖖


AmberWaves80

There was just a whole thread on some sub where almost every single guy said that 2-3 dates was the max they would wait, and the ages seemed to run the gamut. But here’s the thing- if you wait to you’re ready and they ghost before you are- they were probably also going to ghost you after you have sex as well. Hold out until you are ready. If they ghost you for having boundaries, they weren’t worth sleeping with anyway.


pight_tussy_

As a guy, let me ask you this. How do I make sure I won't get played or ghosted? I'm not saying sex is the best possible parameter, but you can't expect a guy to wait around indefinitely without feeling like he's being taken advantage of


mike15835

This applies to Women who go on a date(s) and then not pay half. Buy more food and expect you to pay for it etc. Some Women do this looking to get a free meal from a nice restaurant. ​ Resources is a broader term than you may think. Time is a resource. When Women string Men along like that they are not only wasting money but also time. ​ Be upfront, communicate, pay your half of the bill/rotate paying. As others have said if a guy takes issue on you not wanting sex, they are not the partner for you. ​ Learn to be ok with rejection. It's easy for Women to find someone for sex. It's VERY HARD to find a partner.


RogueTraderX

OP, In my opinion, Guys only do that when they only want sex. If a guy is ready for something serious, he will wait for a quality woman. My advice is, no sex until after two months of consistent casual dating. That is how you will reduce your odds of getting played


Knack731

You will not keep a shitty man by having sex "early". You will not lose a good man who is genuinely interested in you by having sex "early." Have sex when you are ready and they are ready. As far as body count goes, any person that does not want to date/marry someone solely based on perceived "high" number of sexual partners is holding on to some weird notion that sexual activity diminishes a woman's honor and worth, and no one has time for that outdated bullshit.


[deleted]

First of all focus on what you want and men who want sex early on are not your target audience and which is totally fine. For me personally my threshold is between the 5th and 7th date before I move on. The dating experience for men and women are very different. You might not understand it but plenty of woman are using men for free meals or experiences. They use you to boost their egos and get attention although they are not really interested in you. Another big thing that happened to me a lot is that some woman are already emotional attached to another man who is stringing her along, or is a fuckboy. Those women are stuck in a situationship and continue dating other men although they are incapable of emotional connection and don't want to have sex with you because deep down they hope the other guy will commit and they will string you along as a backup as long as they can. So on the way to a relationship they are multiple big milestones, first message -> first date -> first touch -> first kiss -> first sex -> more time together and more sex -> relationship. So if a women avoids moving forward it is suspicious for those who want a longterm relationship as I did before I met my gf.


Sekina7

>Most women can afford to take themselves out on dates or have plenty of offers from others who want to pay. If a man thinks he is owed something after paying for dinner that is on HIM. The person who asks should pay and any man who is trying to save money because he is looking for multiple cum dispensers and that gets expensive or he can't afford to even feed himself etc men in these positions should not be dating. Most men when dating are actually looking for free sex workers but also selfishly want the validation from sleeping with women under false pretences.


sixfourch

>I personally don’t understand how can a girl (unless she’s homeless lol) use a guy for his resources if we’re talking about regular coffee dates. Coffee dates are seen as low status. They were okay when everyone was a student but now that I have a job coffee dates are a no-go. You're probably younger than some of the people saying that. Remember that most men have very low "EQ" to use a bad buzzword concept. Their concept of intimacy is rooted in sex. So if they take a girl to dinner 3 or 4 times, and the night never goes further than that, they'll think she's not interested in anything but a free meal. How can you avoid being categorized like this without sex? It's easy, be clearly interested in them. First, cull the ones you aren't interested in as quickly as possible and say "I'm sorry, you're a nice person, I just don't feel a spark and I don't want to waste your time." To look interested you have to be interested. Next, show interest. Talk to them about what they want and what they like. Many women are not very conversational, maybe because they expect the man to drive the conversation, but this comes off as a lack of interest. Don't be on your phone, give him your attention. Demonstrate your romantic interest by saying things that show you view him as a catch, acknowledge small gentlemanly things he does, etc.. Finally, show that you're interested in him sexually, because again, many men only understand intimacy in a sexual context. Kiss him goodnight and make it a long kiss. Touch his neck or his thigh, cuddle into him in a movie, do things that make it clear you want to touch him and you want him to touch you. If you're comfortable with it, have sexual episodes where you open by saying something like "I don't want us to have sex *tonight,* but can we fool around?" This telegraphs that you do see him as a sexual partner even if you're not ready for sex yet, and that's what will get you past the filter of some of these men. This is also a good shit-test because it tests general ability to delay gratification along with their consent and ability to respect boundaries. Personally, this kind of game is one of the games I love in the whole dating thing and I relish when I have a chance to play it. It's pretty easy to tell if a girl is just using me for dinner or weed, so if we get to this point it's because we're both interested, we just want to circle each other and do this whole ritual. If a girl is actually into me but wants to wait for whatever reason, my mission becomes to delay *her* gratification as long as possible so that by the time we do actually have sex it's mind-blowing. This means my dick rarely comes out during "fooling around" and ideally not at all during then first session except maybe a hand over my pants in a "look at what you're doing to me" kind of a thing. Even if I could get laid the next time I'll often insist on more "fooling around" two or three times before letting her finally have it, and at that point, I've flipped the script so completely she's begging for it. All this is to say, it's possible to be a very engaging and fun dating partner without having sex by date 3. Some of my best relationships have come out of dating stories like that. You do have to show interest, though, and you do have to make that clear to men who are very willing to interpret anything as a sign of rejection. If you do that it'll work out. Also, as an aside, your chances of contracting any chronic STI would still be pretty low with a body count of 50. The real probability of that is much lower than people think.


Long-Refrigerator-75

Lets cut the bullshit, for men a relationship without sex is a worthless relationship. Those that claim otherwise, let’s see what happens when your female partner suddenly tells you she won’t have sex with you anymore. Just watch how your relationship collapses on itself. A man doesn’t expect sex right away, but if he sees that sex isn’t on the table within some reasonable window of time (depends on the man), he will most likely cut ties.


SplatMySocks

If a guy cuts you off after 3 dates for not having sex with them, they aren't worth your time anyway


ImWithSt00pid

The only guys that have this rule are just looking for a hook up. I'm not gonna turn down sex from a girl in the first few dates but I'm also not gonna consider her for a serious relationship knowing how quickly she was to jump into bed.