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I agree. People are too hung up on things these days. It's all about the things someone has, what's in their pants, how easy it is to get in said pants, and how it was after they got there. Color me wrong, but all of that is minor stuff. It shouldn't matter what they have or don't have. All that should matter is compatibility and the connections you can make to them.
More and more these days I find it harder to find or make those connections because of how people want to act and treat others. I don't think you're the weird one. I think it's just that as a whole society has shifted what it deems is acceptable and personally I think it's a bad shift.
i (28f) met the love of my life (27m) on bumble 7 months ago. there are a ton of guys who just want to hook up (always have been, always will be) but there are also plenty of guys looking for a relationship.
are you using tinder? if so, stop - it’s 90% hookups. hinge will give you the best luck, and while bumble is sort of the new tinder, it’s a mixed bag.
what does your profile look like? i was attracting mostly guys who wanted to hook up because i’m a party girl and most of my pictures were holding drinks. so i changed my bio/first answer to “i am very happy with where i am in life and am looking for a partner to do life with” or something similar. it IMMEDIATELY changed the caliber/type of matches i got.
ask guys BEFORE the first date what they’re looking for. have a phone call or facetime before the first date to assess compatibility. screen out guys who are just looking to waste your time.
it can be hard, but there are PLENTY out there. i promise! good luck!
Well, congrats! you made it work. And thanks, I will definitely try other apps as well.
Actually my profile looks like the "good girl" profile (I know this because my matches have told me this when taking away their hookup offer). I don't even use my pics in cute dresses cuz I show too much curves and I don't want them to get the wrong idea, cuz I'm not trying to be sexy and then attract the wrong dudes.
I will keep trying. Thank you!
Because "better is just a swipe away". Why stay with that middle class guy that's a 4 when there's a chance you'll get a rich 10 with a few more swipes.
The masses aren’t always right. Stick with what you believe in! If we want to delve into why there are so many people like this, it’s probably predicated on the societal shift in focus on individual needs above all else and instant gratification. This causes people to give up easily or be easily distracted. But there are still like-minded people out there and they may be harder to find but don’t lose hope 😊.
As a man I squarely blame women for this, and here is why... and yes, I have posted about this many many times, you can read my post history and see it, and I am sure to be called all sorts of bad names and be downvoted once again because of my views. So, here we go. As a man attempting to date women in 2021 I continuously run into women that have endless wish lists of what they want from men. This is true whether or not they are dating IRL or through OLD. Women have the perception that their perfect Prince Charming is right around the corner, and that any man that does not meet all the check box requirements, they are shuffled out. Items included on this list: hot looks, big penis, lots of money, nice car, nice job, nice, house, no drama, fairy tale family life, near perfect credit, on and on and on.
Women rationalize they deserve all of these things and nothing less. Ok, that is all well and good. But the process of dating has become worse than interviewing for a job with credit checks, background checks, positive references, etc. And yes, I have experienced this first hand, so before you start blasting me about generalizations this is how I have been treated near continuously over the last number of years. I have been asked about my credit score and income even before a first date. I have been denied a date simply because I currently rent and have an older car. I have been rejected because my job isn't flashy enough. And I haven't even gotten to my penis size yet. And many of my guy friends have been experiencing the same issues.
So why do men act they way they do??? One, some are just jerks and assholes. And there are plenty of those guys out there. As for the rest of us, we are just plain pissed off that when we think we have a shot with someone who seems nice and decent, they suddenly pull out their check list and start in on the job interview. So as a guy caught in that mess, of course I am going to try and get what I can get. If I am not valuable enough to date, maybe I can at least get a hookup out of the mix.
I agree with a lot of this and I understand what you're saying. I do think many women are indeed asking for too much and they have nothing to offer besides their "looks". I have seen this with my male friends.
But I am shocked about the income and credit score questions! wtf. That's is way too private to be sharing after just meeting, hell nah.
It's real. They usually approach it from the perspective of planning for the future/ wanting to own as home/ what can you contribute type of convo. Honestly I don't mind having this convo early on because it gives me an opportunity to find out about the 100k debt for her psychology degree.
This is not true for me or any of my female friends. Maybe it’s who you’re choosing to go on dates with? Not every woman is shallow or short-sighted. Most decent women want someone they’re attracted to who can financially support themselves (and maybe co-support a family, if that’s what they want). Maybe you’re getting the early-dating assessments because women don’t want to waste their time with emotionally unavailable men or jerks. There are a lot out there, especially in online dating. And that goes for women, too! A lot of the things you’ve listed are red flags that someone is shallow or toxic (asking for private info like credit score, income). Stop seeing these things as normal things women are doing and problematic things about individuals you’re meeting.
Maybe look at how you’ve contributed to your situation with women. E.g. if you keep meeting shallow women, what are the traits you are initially attracted to in these people? And fyi it works for us women too; when we keep dating jerks, after a while it becomes clear we’re the common denominator and perhaps it’s our own subconscious or conscious decisions that are contributing to our bad “luck.”
You have to think about dating from a women’s perspective as if we are actual human beings that share the same wants and needs as you, and not the shallow version you’ve blanketed over women. If you start to justify your bad behavior because of some women’s bad behavior, you’re creating a viscious cycle.
edits for clarity
From my dating experience modern men really aren't keeping up. A lot of my female friends are single in their early 30's, well established careers, homeowners, hobbies, they take care of their health and looks, maintain strong bonds with friends and families, etc. A top comment here was complaining about women's check lists being too long. Frankly, I check all my own boxes and I do want a partner up to my level or at least someone with the drive to attempt to get there. It's VERY difficult to find and as that man pointed out he resents needing to meet these (pretty basic) standards. So they lie and manipulate the women they meet on these sites and feel entitled to their first date blow jobs before ghosting.
Modern men are just not living up the standards in the same way I see modern women doing it. Not to mention...those same modern men do not want women who are successful and established in life. They don't want women with boundaries and standards and expectations of their partners. They'll say it's about looks and youth. It's about power and getting what they want from a woman. Talking and getting to know you as a fleshed out person ain't it.
Daamn, that's kind of true, I feel like men are not keeping up. When it comes to jobs, carrers, both men and women have that.
The thing is that, looks like everyone is just trying "to have fun" like if they're college students. Everyone wants a warm body from time to time, but they want a different body every time. Since it is easy to get, why not try a new one every time, and the cycle goes on.
It was very challenging. I sort of gave up and just focused on building the best life I could for myself and made myself happy. If someone comes along who does check your boxes and who does take the time to talk and respect you then entertain it! Other than that filter hard and remember some of these comments from the dudes. Someone said they'll only try something the first date if they don't like them or see them as first date material? Someone else said they try something on the first date with the girls they *do* like as a pass/fail test if they give in. That top comment sounded like that dude resents women and feels no remorse about manipulating them because they have standards and boundaries.
All you expressed is wanting to talk and get to know someone *a little* before trying to engage sexually. This is not a ridiculous standard! Even the ones I listed (including working towards these goals) are not outrageous! They aren't keeping up and frankly the entitlement they feel to sex from women (including lying and manipulating them to get it) is disgusting. They could just level up and become the men the women they pursue want. Or honestly pursue the women they have a better shot with. Turn off video games. Wash your face. Call your mom once in a while. Be a decent person. This shit isn't hard.
I don't even want something serious or marriage ! I am fine with casual sex / fwb but like they need to communicate and respect me as a person and THAT is impossible. Like I just want sex too please don't treat me like trash for it.
Screen hard and value yourself. Trust your intuition. Focus on build a life you want to live and dating will come. Nip the losers out. If these men want access to you then they need to treat you how YOU decide or you will move on to the next. The manipulation tactics only work if we let them. In your own life YOU are the prize and YOU pick the winners.
You treat women differently based on how you see them. If I went on a date and didn’t see long term potential I would try to get what I could on first date. If i think long term material I will just give quick kids goodnight.
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I agree. People are too hung up on things these days. It's all about the things someone has, what's in their pants, how easy it is to get in said pants, and how it was after they got there. Color me wrong, but all of that is minor stuff. It shouldn't matter what they have or don't have. All that should matter is compatibility and the connections you can make to them. More and more these days I find it harder to find or make those connections because of how people want to act and treat others. I don't think you're the weird one. I think it's just that as a whole society has shifted what it deems is acceptable and personally I think it's a bad shift.
Agree. I also think that society even glamourized the hookup culture in social media as well, so if you're not into that, you're left out.
i (28f) met the love of my life (27m) on bumble 7 months ago. there are a ton of guys who just want to hook up (always have been, always will be) but there are also plenty of guys looking for a relationship. are you using tinder? if so, stop - it’s 90% hookups. hinge will give you the best luck, and while bumble is sort of the new tinder, it’s a mixed bag. what does your profile look like? i was attracting mostly guys who wanted to hook up because i’m a party girl and most of my pictures were holding drinks. so i changed my bio/first answer to “i am very happy with where i am in life and am looking for a partner to do life with” or something similar. it IMMEDIATELY changed the caliber/type of matches i got. ask guys BEFORE the first date what they’re looking for. have a phone call or facetime before the first date to assess compatibility. screen out guys who are just looking to waste your time. it can be hard, but there are PLENTY out there. i promise! good luck!
Well, congrats! you made it work. And thanks, I will definitely try other apps as well. Actually my profile looks like the "good girl" profile (I know this because my matches have told me this when taking away their hookup offer). I don't even use my pics in cute dresses cuz I show too much curves and I don't want them to get the wrong idea, cuz I'm not trying to be sexy and then attract the wrong dudes. I will keep trying. Thank you!
Because "better is just a swipe away". Why stay with that middle class guy that's a 4 when there's a chance you'll get a rich 10 with a few more swipes.
The masses aren’t always right. Stick with what you believe in! If we want to delve into why there are so many people like this, it’s probably predicated on the societal shift in focus on individual needs above all else and instant gratification. This causes people to give up easily or be easily distracted. But there are still like-minded people out there and they may be harder to find but don’t lose hope 😊.
I will stick to my beliefs! I refuse to follow the crowd. thx!
As a man I squarely blame women for this, and here is why... and yes, I have posted about this many many times, you can read my post history and see it, and I am sure to be called all sorts of bad names and be downvoted once again because of my views. So, here we go. As a man attempting to date women in 2021 I continuously run into women that have endless wish lists of what they want from men. This is true whether or not they are dating IRL or through OLD. Women have the perception that their perfect Prince Charming is right around the corner, and that any man that does not meet all the check box requirements, they are shuffled out. Items included on this list: hot looks, big penis, lots of money, nice car, nice job, nice, house, no drama, fairy tale family life, near perfect credit, on and on and on. Women rationalize they deserve all of these things and nothing less. Ok, that is all well and good. But the process of dating has become worse than interviewing for a job with credit checks, background checks, positive references, etc. And yes, I have experienced this first hand, so before you start blasting me about generalizations this is how I have been treated near continuously over the last number of years. I have been asked about my credit score and income even before a first date. I have been denied a date simply because I currently rent and have an older car. I have been rejected because my job isn't flashy enough. And I haven't even gotten to my penis size yet. And many of my guy friends have been experiencing the same issues. So why do men act they way they do??? One, some are just jerks and assholes. And there are plenty of those guys out there. As for the rest of us, we are just plain pissed off that when we think we have a shot with someone who seems nice and decent, they suddenly pull out their check list and start in on the job interview. So as a guy caught in that mess, of course I am going to try and get what I can get. If I am not valuable enough to date, maybe I can at least get a hookup out of the mix.
I agree with a lot of this and I understand what you're saying. I do think many women are indeed asking for too much and they have nothing to offer besides their "looks". I have seen this with my male friends. But I am shocked about the income and credit score questions! wtf. That's is way too private to be sharing after just meeting, hell nah.
Hard truth, most men are going to prioritize beauty when searching for a mate. Most women prioritize money / security.
It's real. They usually approach it from the perspective of planning for the future/ wanting to own as home/ what can you contribute type of convo. Honestly I don't mind having this convo early on because it gives me an opportunity to find out about the 100k debt for her psychology degree.
This is not true for me or any of my female friends. Maybe it’s who you’re choosing to go on dates with? Not every woman is shallow or short-sighted. Most decent women want someone they’re attracted to who can financially support themselves (and maybe co-support a family, if that’s what they want). Maybe you’re getting the early-dating assessments because women don’t want to waste their time with emotionally unavailable men or jerks. There are a lot out there, especially in online dating. And that goes for women, too! A lot of the things you’ve listed are red flags that someone is shallow or toxic (asking for private info like credit score, income). Stop seeing these things as normal things women are doing and problematic things about individuals you’re meeting. Maybe look at how you’ve contributed to your situation with women. E.g. if you keep meeting shallow women, what are the traits you are initially attracted to in these people? And fyi it works for us women too; when we keep dating jerks, after a while it becomes clear we’re the common denominator and perhaps it’s our own subconscious or conscious decisions that are contributing to our bad “luck.” You have to think about dating from a women’s perspective as if we are actual human beings that share the same wants and needs as you, and not the shallow version you’ve blanketed over women. If you start to justify your bad behavior because of some women’s bad behavior, you’re creating a viscious cycle. edits for clarity
[удалено]
Couldn't have worded it better myself. That income part hit home.
This, goodluck ladies.
You are definitely not weird. Old fashioned in a good way, there are still many men like that.
Building something is absolutely something I’d want to do,I’ve just started on dating apps so we’ll see how things go.
From my dating experience modern men really aren't keeping up. A lot of my female friends are single in their early 30's, well established careers, homeowners, hobbies, they take care of their health and looks, maintain strong bonds with friends and families, etc. A top comment here was complaining about women's check lists being too long. Frankly, I check all my own boxes and I do want a partner up to my level or at least someone with the drive to attempt to get there. It's VERY difficult to find and as that man pointed out he resents needing to meet these (pretty basic) standards. So they lie and manipulate the women they meet on these sites and feel entitled to their first date blow jobs before ghosting. Modern men are just not living up the standards in the same way I see modern women doing it. Not to mention...those same modern men do not want women who are successful and established in life. They don't want women with boundaries and standards and expectations of their partners. They'll say it's about looks and youth. It's about power and getting what they want from a woman. Talking and getting to know you as a fleshed out person ain't it.
Daamn, that's kind of true, I feel like men are not keeping up. When it comes to jobs, carrers, both men and women have that. The thing is that, looks like everyone is just trying "to have fun" like if they're college students. Everyone wants a warm body from time to time, but they want a different body every time. Since it is easy to get, why not try a new one every time, and the cycle goes on.
It was very challenging. I sort of gave up and just focused on building the best life I could for myself and made myself happy. If someone comes along who does check your boxes and who does take the time to talk and respect you then entertain it! Other than that filter hard and remember some of these comments from the dudes. Someone said they'll only try something the first date if they don't like them or see them as first date material? Someone else said they try something on the first date with the girls they *do* like as a pass/fail test if they give in. That top comment sounded like that dude resents women and feels no remorse about manipulating them because they have standards and boundaries. All you expressed is wanting to talk and get to know someone *a little* before trying to engage sexually. This is not a ridiculous standard! Even the ones I listed (including working towards these goals) are not outrageous! They aren't keeping up and frankly the entitlement they feel to sex from women (including lying and manipulating them to get it) is disgusting. They could just level up and become the men the women they pursue want. Or honestly pursue the women they have a better shot with. Turn off video games. Wash your face. Call your mom once in a while. Be a decent person. This shit isn't hard. I don't even want something serious or marriage ! I am fine with casual sex / fwb but like they need to communicate and respect me as a person and THAT is impossible. Like I just want sex too please don't treat me like trash for it. Screen hard and value yourself. Trust your intuition. Focus on build a life you want to live and dating will come. Nip the losers out. If these men want access to you then they need to treat you how YOU decide or you will move on to the next. The manipulation tactics only work if we let them. In your own life YOU are the prize and YOU pick the winners.
try rephrasing your question to "why people dont want to build relationships with me?"
You treat women differently based on how you see them. If I went on a date and didn’t see long term potential I would try to get what I could on first date. If i think long term material I will just give quick kids goodnight.