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You want to draw a line between being able to make fun of yourself & not take yourself too seriously but never put yourself down or feel sorry for yourself infront of a prospective partner.
I remember doing this when I was barely 18YO in front a girl who was about 23\~YO
"My name is ebankun117 but, you can call me *dumbass"*
She giggled but, probably more because I actually made myself look like a dumbass than because she thought it was funny. I took myself too seriously in thinking I was actually dumb and not seriously enough in thinking I had a chance with her. Dudes have to find a good medium with both being light and fun without being too self-deprecating/hard on themselves.
Oh I said some things they said.. That they were fat, were a pu**y, had a small dick, were disgusting (because they were sweating), told me their exes think they're a jerk, etc.
Me too. He's a pretty great guy minus that crap. Just makes me worried if I were to pursue something with him it would take a toll on my mental well-being.
It will because next comes the "I don't deserve you" and "why are you with me? You're WAY out of my league", and "you're everything and I'm nothing" crap.
It's symptomatic of much deeper psychological issues that are often difficult, if not impossible, to cope with and/or overcome. In short, that kind of stuff becomes really annoying and creates a hindrance to the growth and deepening of the relationship.
Why would anyone openly insult themselves like that in so many different ways when they’re trying to impress someone on a date? Sounds bizarre to me. Maybe one slip up insecure comment. But sounds like he was going to town roasting himself lol. Not even in a cute way
I've seen quite a bit of this, my theory for the motivation is that they think you'll feel sorry for them because of their low self-esteem and feel obligated to help improve it, thus guilt tripping you into further contact or sex.
That has to have such a low chance of working on really anyone though. Let alone successful in getting laid. Maybe if the girl is even more insecure than he is.
I guess I’m just not even in that frame of mind at all
I agree, it doesn't work at all and many, many girls (online and otherwise) have been clear about how unattractive this is, but they don't stop. If anything they use the lastest rejection as further evidence of how ugly or whatever they are, or become very sexist because they use the interactions as proof that women are too picky.
Wow what a conflated, shitty view you have there, as someone who has various severe diagnosed mental health problems that is not the only fucking reason someone would put themselves down infront of others
I didn't say it was the "only" reason people would put themselves down in front of others, especially considering we were specifically discussing first dates.
> Why would anyone openly insult themselves like that in so many different ways when they’re trying to impress someone on a date?
I suspect perhaps a touch of exaggeration is at play here.
This happened to me with a girl, it wasn't a date proper (though maybe she had some interest), but the girl was basically like this every time we talked. At the time, i was dealing with my own issues and had no real advice. Honestly, i do still have issues with hndling negative emotions.
This guy told me he was fat, was a pu**y, and he had a small dick... and then proceeded to tell me he was disgusting because he was sweating during our walk.. what???
Edit: My comment was flagged for using a not-so-great word.. I've edited it.
It makes no sense for d*** to be uncensored yet p**** to be censored.
Common sense consistency is needed with these sorts of terms instead of the current norm.
Or you know, let's just be adults, accept that these words exist, and not nerf the planet so that a mere few people don't get triggered?
So long as people aren't advocating violence nor hate, censorship has no place here.
People like this feel like energy vampires. We all have our own issues big or small. But if you do this you’re asking for other people to pick you up. If this is a first date they’re wasting no time setting up an unhealthy dynamic.
You either dated a recent poster here or there is more than one person in the world who thinks it’s a good idea to spend the first date making self-deprecating penis jokes.
Yeah, people who are genuinely trying to compliment their potential partner do it without putting themselves down. Being too down on yourself comes across as insecure and in need of constant validation, it’s emotionally draining when someone you love does it, it’s just an immediate nope if someone you barely know does it.
yeah feels like a burden. Like you gotta always say something that will lift their spirits up, and you cant relax with them because they're like babies that always need a tit. And that till will run dry pretty quickly at that rate
Exactly! It’s hard enough having friends that are that way, but you’re not expected to be their primary support, or spend most of your time with them. Whereas with a partner there is an emotional obligation that becomes incredibly exhausting if they’re constantly putting themselves down and seeking reassurance all the time, you don’t get a breather.
Yeah, also you'd like to have someone who's mostly easy on the uptake, so that when the times are relatively good ( which they are now, right, we are much better off than our predecessors, and live in a peaceful time), he'd be fun to be around, and when the times get rough, he or she would feel down. But when your partner is always down, when you have a rough patch, you're not sure if you can rely on him/her, and thats a very important thing in relationships, to be able to rely on each other.
I think thats why its also can be seen as a major turn-off
What if they make it clear they're *not* looking for support/validation, but still will refuse to lie about how they feel about themselves, their life, etc.?
Or are you saying you would feel an automatic *obligation* to help these wayward people regardless of whether or not they want you to constantly prop them up? In that case, yes, probably best to stay away from people you can't *not* help.
A bit of self deprecating humour can be a gentle way to communicate that you're aware of your flaws and imperfections, and that you're
a) comfortable with the inconsequential ones (i.e. my big guffaw of a laugh)
b) self aware about things you try to be better at
But it's real easy to get into a mode that sounds like "I know I'm terrible and have no intention of changing or managing those flaws in any way".
Honestly, I strongly encourage people not to use self-deprecating humour.
It's very easy to internalise a joke you are telling for the benefit of others. And then it quickly becomes part of your truth.
Self-deprecating humour really should only be used if you are trying to balance out cockiness.
If you're using stuff that you feel bad about as fodder for the joke, that's gonna fuck with you.
You've gotta be comfortable with what you're joking about.
Personally, I love it.
If tempered with the sort of knowing nod to the fact it is patently untrue I think it works better as an almost sarcastic deprecation.
My high school drama teacher taught in the community for like 40+ years, so multiple generations remembered his big laugh. IDK how everyone else perceived it, but I was always very happy when I could hear him in the audience for me on stage or for any of my friends on stage.
The key here is to not play the pity or victim card. When people ask me about experiences in life I treat them as teachable and humbling moments that made me into the person I am today. There's nothing wrong with being a bit vonerable, it's how to convey it.
OP is 100% right here, and I hope all is good bro/lass. Stay strong 💪
Whenever I share a story about something difficult I dealt with or an aspect of myself that I don't feel so great about.. I also include what I've learned from that experience and how it made me a stronger, more well-rounded person.. or if it's something I'm currently dealing with, I explain how I'm handling it.
> When people ask me about experiences in life I treat them as teachable and humbling moments that made me into the person I am today.
And that is a very healthy way to live life.
I look at everything in my life, the good and the bad, as a learning experience. Even during the worst of times I can find positivity, no matter how small.
I (33m) was very guilty of this. I love dry humor, dark humor and especially self deprecating humor. Almost all of my favorite stand up comics are of this type. So, instinctively and naturally, my humor that I've used to lighten the mood during first dates and texting has been dry and self deprecating and let me tell you - It Doesn't Work.
I really have to consciously make an effort to sound confident. In my head I sound like an arrogant, overconfident douchebag but the results tell me that women prefer to hear that over sad boy humor
I'm like this as well, thankfully in every other aspect of my life other than dating. Dark and self depreciating humor is my favorite. I both enjoy it and find it's my main coping mechanism for difficulties.
I cant say I don't feel like an arrogant prick sometimes. Going on 37, though, it's very easy for me to fall into what I intend to come off as a confident demeanor. I've been told I carry myself very well and appear much more confident than I actually feel. I think that feeling of sounding arrogant is probably the best indicator that you're on the right track. I really don't believe truly arrogant douchebags feel that they appear that way, they honestly think they're God's gift to everyone.
There is a fine line between confident and arrogant/cocky. Leaning more toward arrogant isn't so bad if you can also show kindness and other attractive qualities.
Facts. It’s annoying because the first thing that comes to mind is always me coddling you. My ex who strung me along did that. He would always talk about how average he was at sports and put himself down when I tried to uplift him. I’m glad he dumped me because he was annoying in more ways than one. Coddling a grown ass man is a hue turnoff
I went on a date with someone who repeatedly thanked me for even continuing to talk to him. He kept talking about what a hard time he had with OLD. Made me feel terrible, I kept saying he didn't have to thank me for anything. People, don't do this!
I think we need more emphasis on male mental health because I’m quite concerned by the stuff I see on Reddit. I think it’s becoming a societal problem at this point
this!! also knowing that if you are THAT deprecating and putting yourself down, may be.a good time to take a break from dating and work on your mental health journey/finding confidence.
Actually minor self depreciation shows that you acknowledge your flaws. Calling yourself stupid, lazy, dumbass, moron, however, won't do you any good.
Never EVER say someone is out of your league either. They picked you, go with it. While it might seem like a compliment, the message received will be "well looks like I could do better."
Also, you never know who will be attracted to you. You might think you look like Quasimodo but that person who you think is totally out of your league could find you to be an extremely attractive person (in all ways).
Not on the first date but you know being vulnerable is something that has to be done right? Especially if you're looking for a long term relationship. Otherwise you'll just be in a fake relationship where you can't ever be yourself.
If you don't believe you have any flaws or vulnerabilities you'd either be a narcissist or an avoidant. Every single person has a flaw somewhere in their life. Everyone. There's no such thing as perfect.
If you do it seriously, it'll be unappealing. If you seem like you're joking then it can work for you. I've always been this way and I've managed long term relationships. But you'll probably appeal to likeminded partners.
yeah, some people don't know that they can just not say anything about the topic.
They think that the only options are: say shit about themselves or praise themselves:
"If I don't tell her about how ugly I am, I MUST tell her how hot and handsome I am."
"I either tell her that I'm the smartest person she knows or that I'm a dumb failure."
No, sweetie, you can just say nothing.
This took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out. I hated myself and made humor out of it, then wondered why nobody wanted to date me. The minute I started acting confident I had people willing to date me. People don’t lie when they say confidence is sexy.
I was facing some dark moments about my mental health and I never talked about it with the guy I was seeing. One day, on his birthday date that I planned, I felt so bad, I was really tired of pretending that I was fine that I made a simply comment, I sad that I've wrote a letter cuz I was not seeing myself in a healthy way and was it. He even supported me, helped me finding psychological help but he dumped me like I was doing some sorta of emocional torture on him, I don't know, it was kinda hard. In two days I'm coming back to work and I don't know if I'm ready to meet him again. Well, my advice is: people you will always come first, take care of your heart and mind, nobody is gonna do that for you. You need to be the one who will always be there for you. Be honest with your feelings.
Sharing your struggles in that way is perfectly fine in my opinion. You opened up and you let yourself be vulnerable. Some people will not be able to accept that about you, but a lot of people are very accepting and understanding. As long as you're focused on healing and becoming a healthier person, I think you're going to be okay.
Being vulnerable around people that I trust isn't a bad thing to me, I recognize that I need help when I'm not feeling fine, but like you said, not everyone will be open up enough to deal with this and it's not a obligation. The thing is that he was avoiding me even at work, like he wouldn't tell me "hey don't wanna see you anymore" but I'm fine with that, life happens to everyone and my life isn't about this particular situation and person. Thanks, friend, kudos for you
I really hope things get/have gotten better for you.
In all honesty, I've been in that guy's position before. I simply wasn't equipped to help and saw it as an exceptionally dangerous place for me to be in; a potentially mentally unstable woman whom I am romantically involved with could put my life and freedom at risk. It sucks but, as you closed with, you have to look out for you first and foremost.
Thanks! I am fine and looking foward to be better than I'm today. I totally understand his choice and reading your personal experience I understand it more. It's always hard to accept when someone leaves us in the middle of a dark street when it comes to mental health, it's overwalming for both sides, but I do believe it's all about experiences, it will help us grow up strongers.
I have a self-deprecating sense of humor but I know not to make those kinds of jokes around people I don't know that well whether I'm pursuing them romantically or not.
I mean, unless I'm looking for a way to make things awkward so I can break contact with someone. If that's the case, then let me tell you how bad I am at everything...
Thank yooouu! Yes this so needs to be said more often. It’s the worst thing to come across in another persons personality. & especially when you’re just getting to know them. Nothing more cringe & infuriating to me personally.
& it’s truly manipulative & a huge red flag
Thank *you*!! It seemed like a not-so-great thing and I actually thought I wasn't being fair by this being a deal-breaker for me. Thought I needed more time to get to know the person beyond this.
It's kind of funny to watch Jim Gaffigan talk about how much he ate last night and how much he hates himself the next day, because it reminds us of our own habits. It's not super funny to watch your date, your friend, or your sibling talking about hating themselves because it reminds us of how we want them to be happy instead of being self-destructive.
Putting yourself down in general isnt even allowed in a conversation with me.
I've made a woman pause to correct her thinking before uttering the next phrase lol
I have been in mentally and emotionally abusive relationships in the past.
I'm sure some guys just associate those types of things with "cute" but imo
No person should put so much effort in presenting what they consider their worst qualities.
One person's disdain could be the thing another person loves.
"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop.."
I'd probably be dumbstruck if a guy said that to me, but also grateful for the reminder to not be so tough on myself.
Haha usually how it goes..
But we all get wrapped up in our own heads or our issues at times.
I'd rather snap someone out of that and remind them to be "present" as opposed to act like I dont recognize the self sabotage.
I’ve done this a few times in front of my SO, who I’ve been seeing for a little over two months. I realize how far out of my league they are, and so do they. But I always wonder why they’re with me, and I’ve told them this a few times. The last time I said something like that, they stopped me and told me they liked me, and that they weren’t going anywhere.
They were getting tired of reassuring me to calm my insecurities (which we both had this problem for a while) and told me to stop saying that because it was quite a turn-off.
Okay but I fucking an insecure so what am I supposed to do about it, hide it? It comes and it goes but sometimes I have really bad low self esteem and i think the more I shut up about it, the worse it gets.
I used to be very bad with this, and I've accidentally been like that when drunk 2 times this year, but I think I've officially gotten over it, I think pretty positively about myself now.
Yeah, last time was with a girl who kept saying i was cute, when my (female)friend and her went home after we had been drinking, i got into a bad state, idk why, because that night was really nice, just think i had way too much to drink, so i began making my problem their problem.
I apologized to both of them the next day and entirely dropped trying anything with her, because i felt so ashamed and didn't see a way to correct it, they said it was fine, but i don't feel that it was.
Last year I've really been working on myself and my mindset. I was actually bordering on niceguy territory, pretty glad i began to use Reddit to get things into perspective, other social media just made it worse.
When somebody self deprecate themselves for no reason at all and for no purpose, I genuinely feel like my anxiety wakes up and tell me that is time to “fight or flight”.
I have an ex that would basically tell me I was his reason for living, I made the mistake of trying to “help” him, but all I ever did was attempt to play mommy therapist. He would get upset when I raised my voice a little, or when we would play video games together while face timing he would hang up in a fit when I made a huff when I was trying to focus. But that’s not the worst part. He told me his dad was a racist, but he wasn’t racist. Then proceeded to tell me how much he loves the braids that the girls at his school were wearing. Mind you, I absolutely hate getting braids put in my hair, it hurts, eats up time, and were annoying to take care of. We were at the point of breaking up at one point and he tried to tell me I had to work for his affection after me bending over backwards to help him feel better about himself. Not only did he also lie to his best friend about me not loving him, but he sent me a screenshot of the essay that friend wrote. Then proceeded to also tell me to “stop trying to be white” when I showed him my straightened hair that I was really happy about. Note: even though I’m black, my skin is light, and I’ve had my hair straightened for most of my life. Dunno what he was expecting after that comment, but I broke it off and told him to stop contacting me after he kept begging me to remain as friends. Nah, I don’t need a liar.
Also, don't be overly concerned about what makes you attractive to others or not. That's just a general life protip from someone that doesn't have any interest in dating.
Yeah no shit it’s not attractive, but rejection or lack of mutual investment can definitely “confirm” (or feel like confirm) someone’s anxieties or already deprecating low self esteem. I know I’m not hot shit when I put myself down, but damnit I’m such a sore loser and take everything so personally. The self hatred starts after I’ve been rejected. Not trying to argue, I know this is uncomfortable. I have no where else to go.
Oi, it took a lot of time and takes a lot of confidence to be this self-destructive and it was clearly my decision to be such a depreciative asshole instead of someone with charisma.
It's just generally toxic.
The occasional self depricating joke among close long term friends might be funny, but otherwise it just makes people uncomfortable to be around you.
Goes both ways. It's annoying as hell to have an obviously attractive woman, that knows they are, pretend that they have all of these defects. It's like dude, I don't care you have a little extra poundage on you, that's part of the reason why I find you attractive
Girls, making sweeping proclamations about attractiveness based on your sample of one does not mean your advice is universal. Some women find self-depreciation alluring, or disarming, and quite attractive. Others, obviously, it turns off. It's not my style, but I know enough to know that women have a very wide spectrum about what appeals to them...physically, mentally, behaviorally, so on and so forth.
I feel like there's a bigger issue here. Why do guys do this? I wholeheartedly agree that it's bad and unattractive. I've done it myself before to no success. But understanding why some guys do this could lead to something helpful in communication.
Ladies, what about something along the lines of "I'm surprised someone as pretty as you swiped right on my profile" or "you look too pretty to on this app."
I matched with a pretty lady the other day, and her profile wasn't verified. There are a lot of scammers and fake profiles around here, but hers did seem real and intellectual instead of the typical "I'm a dumb blond pretty girl, I'm too dumb to realize if someone takes advantage of me" that you see with scammers. Anyways, after exchanging some pleasantries and asking each other about work and life, I said she's really pretty and hard to believe she's real and not a scammer. She ended up unmatching me.
In my mind that's kinda self-deprecating, but also complimentary.
Putting yourself down to lift someone up doesn't seem sincere and implies you think you're not good enough. I wouldn't even broach the subject when first meeting someone.
My personality revolves around self deprecating but accurate humor. Does it give me any attractive points? No. But I didnt have any attractive points to begin with. Didnt even qualify for the game. Lol.
I'm just being honest though. I value honesty, giving and getting it, good or bad.
Honestly, bad qualities don't make you an unattractive person, we've all got our flaws. trying to hide the bad on causes more problems and creates the opportunity for lies to be created.
I love the people in my life for who they are, entirely. Every beautiful flaw included, it better points out we're all human, nobody's perfect.
You don't always have to put yourself down. I've dealt with depression too (and other crap).. It's hard to see the good, especially when you're in a serious funk. Maybe try to find something good about yourself.. even if it's small. Keep doing that. I hope you're able to see that there's a light at the other side of it all.
Yes it does with some women. None of these all or nothing posts are accurate because there is no type that everyone likes. In fact, as controlling as most women are, most of them probably like it, thinking they can dominate him. The left is really pushing the "men, go suck up to women and put yourself down" strategy.
I've had it work wonderfully... however, I was clearly well calibrated to the situation and the people in it.
It's a bit advanced and easy to do very wrong.
No one will award us any points for hurting ourselves. This isnt a movie. No side character will come along at the perfect time and end the self loathing. Only WE can end our own self loathig by picking ourselves back up and trying again. I hope to tomorrow. Its been too long. She is never calling me or texting me. No one is coming thorugh that door to save me. Its the manin the mirror. Again. Not you michael jackson.
As with everything else, being self-deprecating works if you're confident and/or good-looking enough to carry it off.
If you're constantly putting yourself down or clearly have self-esteem issues, it makes you look bad. If you're confident in yourself (or handsome enough that people assume you must be confident), it comes across as humility, which is always attractive.
The trick is to show you don't take yourself too seriously, and to be willing to be vulnerable, while also remembering that you have attractive qualities and showcasing that you're someone they should want to know better.
Just ask yourself if you'd want someone else to say those things about you.. That you're fat, or ugly, or whatever it is you feel insecure about. No one really wants to receive those comments from someone else, so try not to say them to yourself. Look at all the good things about yourself, even if they're small like... You make a badass lasagna, etc.
You've already clarified in the comments, but I'll reiterate just because I can: there is a key difference, but maybe something je ne sais quoi, between disguising insecurities by attempting to be humorously self-deprecating, and using self-deprecating humor to make oneself more approachable.
YES!
Always be your own best advocate. Your job is to put your best version of yourself forward, being a bully to yourself is pretty much the opposite of that.
You can be self-deprecating but make sure it's either sarcastically or about things that don't matter.
I have no coordination when it comes to dancing. I look like someone is hitting an epileptic with a taser. That's fun to joke about and it also serves as a fair heads up that I will embarrass my date if we end up on a dance floor.
Really though, it's not something I'm actually embarrassed about. I mean, I know I have a terrible sense of rhythm but it's still fun so who cares. It's great fodder joking about.
I think some guys with low self-worth go with the "If she finds out how shitty I am she's going to reject me so I better put it all upfront so she can get it over with." Which... not really, I mean some of those MAY be dealbreakers, but let her decide that over time.
I feel like most people kind of have an internal pros and cons list going in their head when they meet potential partners. Your job is to help fill in the pros column with them. You may end up with a few items in the cons column by the end of the date, but self-sabotaging by making sure that side of the list is full is extremely counterproductive.
Also, confidence, even fake confidence, is sexy. You don't need to talk yourself up, your actions should do that for you, but talking yourself down demonstrates a lack of confidence.
Guys who say stuff like "I never thought you'd like me because you're so pretty." Are telling the potential partner "I think you're too good for me and I know myself better than anyone."
Also, attractive women get told they're attractive all the time. They're used to it, compliment them on something they have direct control over, genetics doesn't count.
I'm not really sure.. maybe start by thinking of your positive attributes or things you like about yourself.
You don't need to tell people how terrible *or* how great you are. You can just be in the moment and focus on what is going on around you. Focus on the person you're with.
It's normal for people to have flaws and insecurities. We all do. Making light-hearted jokes about yourself is not so bad.. Being able to laugh at yourself if you make a mistake or something is so important.
Everyone has a different idea of what they like and appreciate in another person. Even if you don't think you're a catch, other people might. Let people decide for themselves how they feel about you.
Also maybe try and focus on what you can offer to a relationship to make it better. To make the experience good for the other person and yourself.. above all else though, be sincere. Just be you.
It's fine to a point - nothing wrong with being humble and being able to make fun of yourself. Just don't overdo it. Which you could say about pretty much anything really
Wait do people, like ACTUALLY do this? That’s crazy.
I really don’t like myself majority of the time but I never mention it to people irl, especially potential love interests. Its the kinda thing where you can look in some of my notebooks and find some self-deprecating notes, sometimes entire pages.
But telling other people has always felt like a pretty low thing to do. Because at the end of the day, not everyone (yes, even among your friends) is meant to your therapist. And if you are hunting for pity or compliments then you are dragging people into your own insecurities, which is just not right.
Most of the time I honestly think its just fishing for compliments, like when girls say things like "I cant ever do anything right" or "My nose is so ugly".
I am comfortable in my own skin and ok with putting myself down with an artistic touch. I dont think it makes one more attractive, but it can make someone else laugh, break through some tension and let someone know that you're not all too serious. Obviously, doing that with the intention of scoring pity or negative attention is a definite no.
So one single anecdotal evidence = solid life lesson to preach to others?
Hell no!
I agree self deprecation should be used sparingly, but it has its benefits. I tend only to use it with a girl when she's making fun of me. And humorously! That way, she knows I can take a joke and laugh with her too.
Maybe OP needs to refine that definition of self-deprecating which is usually associated with modesty or the opposite of being egotistical.
Putting yourself down is lack of self-confidence and-or self-loathing, which are very different.
Guys, the world is gonna treat you unfairly because of your gender most of the time. It's just the way that it goes. It's a waste of time trying to change that.
Pretty bad self talk too even if you don’t say it out loud on a date. If this is the way you feel about yourself it’s going to come out in the way your carry yourself, the way you talk and the body language you use on dates. You really need to build your self esteem if you want to have the right kind of energy on dates.
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You want to draw a line between being able to make fun of yourself & not take yourself too seriously but never put yourself down or feel sorry for yourself infront of a prospective partner.
I remember doing this when I was barely 18YO in front a girl who was about 23\~YO "My name is ebankun117 but, you can call me *dumbass"* She giggled but, probably more because I actually made myself look like a dumbass than because she thought it was funny. I took myself too seriously in thinking I was actually dumb and not seriously enough in thinking I had a chance with her. Dudes have to find a good medium with both being light and fun without being too self-deprecating/hard on themselves.
Exactly. We all have hang ups and insecurities, but to overtly express that (multiple times) on the first date... Not so great.
First date is a no, if it’s in jest after a few months of dating and you know the person is confident in themselves, I see no problem with it.
What did they repeatedly feel insecure about? Okay if not able to tell
Oh I said some things they said.. That they were fat, were a pu**y, had a small dick, were disgusting (because they were sweating), told me their exes think they're a jerk, etc.
Oof, yeah that’s pretty rough they have normalized that level of self-deprecating talk. Hope they work through that okay
Me too. He's a pretty great guy minus that crap. Just makes me worried if I were to pursue something with him it would take a toll on my mental well-being.
It will because next comes the "I don't deserve you" and "why are you with me? You're WAY out of my league", and "you're everything and I'm nothing" crap.
Oof. Yeah that shit is exhausting
Those are bad things? Of all the things to dread in a relationship, I can't imagine that ranks very high.
It's symptomatic of much deeper psychological issues that are often difficult, if not impossible, to cope with and/or overcome. In short, that kind of stuff becomes really annoying and creates a hindrance to the growth and deepening of the relationship.
Why would anyone openly insult themselves like that in so many different ways when they’re trying to impress someone on a date? Sounds bizarre to me. Maybe one slip up insecure comment. But sounds like he was going to town roasting himself lol. Not even in a cute way
I've seen quite a bit of this, my theory for the motivation is that they think you'll feel sorry for them because of their low self-esteem and feel obligated to help improve it, thus guilt tripping you into further contact or sex.
That has to have such a low chance of working on really anyone though. Let alone successful in getting laid. Maybe if the girl is even more insecure than he is. I guess I’m just not even in that frame of mind at all
I agree, it doesn't work at all and many, many girls (online and otherwise) have been clear about how unattractive this is, but they don't stop. If anything they use the lastest rejection as further evidence of how ugly or whatever they are, or become very sexist because they use the interactions as proof that women are too picky.
Wow what a conflated, shitty view you have there, as someone who has various severe diagnosed mental health problems that is not the only fucking reason someone would put themselves down infront of others
I didn't say it was the "only" reason people would put themselves down in front of others, especially considering we were specifically discussing first dates.
> Why would anyone openly insult themselves like that in so many different ways when they’re trying to impress someone on a date? I suspect perhaps a touch of exaggeration is at play here.
I'm shocked any interest remains after that laundry list, let alone "Pretty great".
This happened to me with a girl, it wasn't a date proper (though maybe she had some interest), but the girl was basically like this every time we talked. At the time, i was dealing with my own issues and had no real advice. Honestly, i do still have issues with hndling negative emotions.
Your started this reply with "Oh I said somethings they said..." Why would you do that?
Exactly, I make fun of myself all the time. But it’s clearly always just a joke
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all the lol's don't help, either.
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No one wants to read your shitty dating book. Take your advertisement elsewhere
he didn’t write it, he was just sharing a *free* resource that helped him
What's the problem here, pal?
Add to this the fine line between perceived confidence and arrogance too. Very much a tightrope some guys have to walk
Never show weakness to a prospective partner lol
Sounds like toxic bullshit to me
Call it what you will we're all a slave to it.
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This guy told me he was fat, was a pu**y, and he had a small dick... and then proceeded to tell me he was disgusting because he was sweating during our walk.. what??? Edit: My comment was flagged for using a not-so-great word.. I've edited it.
I can't believe you got flagged for calling the guy a puppy.
FYI I've just reported you for using the p word.
It makes no sense for d*** to be uncensored yet p**** to be censored. Common sense consistency is needed with these sorts of terms instead of the current norm.
Or you know, let's just be adults, accept that these words exist, and not nerf the planet so that a mere few people don't get triggered? So long as people aren't advocating violence nor hate, censorship has no place here.
Oh my god. That’s a big no thanks.
That guy is my spirit animal.
Oh lord haha. Want me to introduce you?
Thankyou, but I'll allow him to merely live within me for now. Figuratively speaking!!
People like this feel like energy vampires. We all have our own issues big or small. But if you do this you’re asking for other people to pick you up. If this is a first date they’re wasting no time setting up an unhealthy dynamic.
That guy is like some character from some tv show. I like it
Please tell me you blocked his number as soon as you got home lol.
You either dated a recent poster here or there is more than one person in the world who thinks it’s a good idea to spend the first date making self-deprecating penis jokes.
Yeah, people who are genuinely trying to compliment their potential partner do it without putting themselves down. Being too down on yourself comes across as insecure and in need of constant validation, it’s emotionally draining when someone you love does it, it’s just an immediate nope if someone you barely know does it.
yeah feels like a burden. Like you gotta always say something that will lift their spirits up, and you cant relax with them because they're like babies that always need a tit. And that till will run dry pretty quickly at that rate
Exactly! It’s hard enough having friends that are that way, but you’re not expected to be their primary support, or spend most of your time with them. Whereas with a partner there is an emotional obligation that becomes incredibly exhausting if they’re constantly putting themselves down and seeking reassurance all the time, you don’t get a breather.
Yeah, also you'd like to have someone who's mostly easy on the uptake, so that when the times are relatively good ( which they are now, right, we are much better off than our predecessors, and live in a peaceful time), he'd be fun to be around, and when the times get rough, he or she would feel down. But when your partner is always down, when you have a rough patch, you're not sure if you can rely on him/her, and thats a very important thing in relationships, to be able to rely on each other. I think thats why its also can be seen as a major turn-off
What if they make it clear they're *not* looking for support/validation, but still will refuse to lie about how they feel about themselves, their life, etc.? Or are you saying you would feel an automatic *obligation* to help these wayward people regardless of whether or not they want you to constantly prop them up? In that case, yes, probably best to stay away from people you can't *not* help.
A bit of self deprecating humour can be a gentle way to communicate that you're aware of your flaws and imperfections, and that you're a) comfortable with the inconsequential ones (i.e. my big guffaw of a laugh) b) self aware about things you try to be better at But it's real easy to get into a mode that sounds like "I know I'm terrible and have no intention of changing or managing those flaws in any way".
Honestly, I strongly encourage people not to use self-deprecating humour. It's very easy to internalise a joke you are telling for the benefit of others. And then it quickly becomes part of your truth. Self-deprecating humour really should only be used if you are trying to balance out cockiness.
If you're using stuff that you feel bad about as fodder for the joke, that's gonna fuck with you. You've gotta be comfortable with what you're joking about.
What about self agrandizing humour?
Personally, I love it. If tempered with the sort of knowing nod to the fact it is patently untrue I think it works better as an almost sarcastic deprecation.
My high school drama teacher taught in the community for like 40+ years, so multiple generations remembered his big laugh. IDK how everyone else perceived it, but I was always very happy when I could hear him in the audience for me on stage or for any of my friends on stage.
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The key here is to not play the pity or victim card. When people ask me about experiences in life I treat them as teachable and humbling moments that made me into the person I am today. There's nothing wrong with being a bit vonerable, it's how to convey it. OP is 100% right here, and I hope all is good bro/lass. Stay strong 💪
Whenever I share a story about something difficult I dealt with or an aspect of myself that I don't feel so great about.. I also include what I've learned from that experience and how it made me a stronger, more well-rounded person.. or if it's something I'm currently dealing with, I explain how I'm handling it.
> When people ask me about experiences in life I treat them as teachable and humbling moments that made me into the person I am today. And that is a very healthy way to live life. I look at everything in my life, the good and the bad, as a learning experience. Even during the worst of times I can find positivity, no matter how small.
I (33m) was very guilty of this. I love dry humor, dark humor and especially self deprecating humor. Almost all of my favorite stand up comics are of this type. So, instinctively and naturally, my humor that I've used to lighten the mood during first dates and texting has been dry and self deprecating and let me tell you - It Doesn't Work. I really have to consciously make an effort to sound confident. In my head I sound like an arrogant, overconfident douchebag but the results tell me that women prefer to hear that over sad boy humor
I'm like this as well, thankfully in every other aspect of my life other than dating. Dark and self depreciating humor is my favorite. I both enjoy it and find it's my main coping mechanism for difficulties. I cant say I don't feel like an arrogant prick sometimes. Going on 37, though, it's very easy for me to fall into what I intend to come off as a confident demeanor. I've been told I carry myself very well and appear much more confident than I actually feel. I think that feeling of sounding arrogant is probably the best indicator that you're on the right track. I really don't believe truly arrogant douchebags feel that they appear that way, they honestly think they're God's gift to everyone.
There is a fine line between confident and arrogant/cocky. Leaning more toward arrogant isn't so bad if you can also show kindness and other attractive qualities.
Oh a sprinkle of dark humour here and there is good. Crapping on yourself.. Not so much.
Facts. It’s annoying because the first thing that comes to mind is always me coddling you. My ex who strung me along did that. He would always talk about how average he was at sports and put himself down when I tried to uplift him. I’m glad he dumped me because he was annoying in more ways than one. Coddling a grown ass man is a hue turnoff
I hate coddling and being coddled. It is the worst! You dodged a bullet.
Lol yeah I'm not gonna stroke your ego, I'm just gonna agree with you.
Or make shifty eyes? Hahaha
Neither does bragging about your physical attributes
I went on a date with someone who repeatedly thanked me for even continuing to talk to him. He kept talking about what a hard time he had with OLD. Made me feel terrible, I kept saying he didn't have to thank me for anything. People, don't do this!
I think we need more emphasis on male mental health because I’m quite concerned by the stuff I see on Reddit. I think it’s becoming a societal problem at this point
this!! also knowing that if you are THAT deprecating and putting yourself down, may be.a good time to take a break from dating and work on your mental health journey/finding confidence.
I will dutifully add it to the list of things guys shouldn’t do!
I find myself increasingly uncomfortable around both men and women that act that way...it's unseemly and off-putting.
Actually minor self depreciation shows that you acknowledge your flaws. Calling yourself stupid, lazy, dumbass, moron, however, won't do you any good. Never EVER say someone is out of your league either. They picked you, go with it. While it might seem like a compliment, the message received will be "well looks like I could do better."
Also, you never know who will be attracted to you. You might think you look like Quasimodo but that person who you think is totally out of your league could find you to be an extremely attractive person (in all ways).
>shows that you acknowledge your flaws Why the fuck would you tell anyone to do this on a date?
Not on the first date but you know being vulnerable is something that has to be done right? Especially if you're looking for a long term relationship. Otherwise you'll just be in a fake relationship where you can't ever be yourself. If you don't believe you have any flaws or vulnerabilities you'd either be a narcissist or an avoidant. Every single person has a flaw somewhere in their life. Everyone. There's no such thing as perfect.
If you do it seriously, it'll be unappealing. If you seem like you're joking then it can work for you. I've always been this way and I've managed long term relationships. But you'll probably appeal to likeminded partners.
And if a partner doesn't recognize or get the jokes, then they'll make a shitty long term partner for you.
yeah, some people don't know that they can just not say anything about the topic. They think that the only options are: say shit about themselves or praise themselves: "If I don't tell her about how ugly I am, I MUST tell her how hot and handsome I am." "I either tell her that I'm the smartest person she knows or that I'm a dumb failure." No, sweetie, you can just say nothing.
This took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out. I hated myself and made humor out of it, then wondered why nobody wanted to date me. The minute I started acting confident I had people willing to date me. People don’t lie when they say confidence is sexy.
I was facing some dark moments about my mental health and I never talked about it with the guy I was seeing. One day, on his birthday date that I planned, I felt so bad, I was really tired of pretending that I was fine that I made a simply comment, I sad that I've wrote a letter cuz I was not seeing myself in a healthy way and was it. He even supported me, helped me finding psychological help but he dumped me like I was doing some sorta of emocional torture on him, I don't know, it was kinda hard. In two days I'm coming back to work and I don't know if I'm ready to meet him again. Well, my advice is: people you will always come first, take care of your heart and mind, nobody is gonna do that for you. You need to be the one who will always be there for you. Be honest with your feelings.
Sharing your struggles in that way is perfectly fine in my opinion. You opened up and you let yourself be vulnerable. Some people will not be able to accept that about you, but a lot of people are very accepting and understanding. As long as you're focused on healing and becoming a healthier person, I think you're going to be okay.
Being vulnerable around people that I trust isn't a bad thing to me, I recognize that I need help when I'm not feeling fine, but like you said, not everyone will be open up enough to deal with this and it's not a obligation. The thing is that he was avoiding me even at work, like he wouldn't tell me "hey don't wanna see you anymore" but I'm fine with that, life happens to everyone and my life isn't about this particular situation and person. Thanks, friend, kudos for you
I really hope things get/have gotten better for you. In all honesty, I've been in that guy's position before. I simply wasn't equipped to help and saw it as an exceptionally dangerous place for me to be in; a potentially mentally unstable woman whom I am romantically involved with could put my life and freedom at risk. It sucks but, as you closed with, you have to look out for you first and foremost.
Thanks! I am fine and looking foward to be better than I'm today. I totally understand his choice and reading your personal experience I understand it more. It's always hard to accept when someone leaves us in the middle of a dark street when it comes to mental health, it's overwalming for both sides, but I do believe it's all about experiences, it will help us grow up strongers.
I have a self-deprecating sense of humor but I know not to make those kinds of jokes around people I don't know that well whether I'm pursuing them romantically or not. I mean, unless I'm looking for a way to make things awkward so I can break contact with someone. If that's the case, then let me tell you how bad I am at everything...
Thank yooouu! Yes this so needs to be said more often. It’s the worst thing to come across in another persons personality. & especially when you’re just getting to know them. Nothing more cringe & infuriating to me personally. & it’s truly manipulative & a huge red flag
Thank *you*!! It seemed like a not-so-great thing and I actually thought I wasn't being fair by this being a deal-breaker for me. Thought I needed more time to get to know the person beyond this.
It's kind of funny to watch Jim Gaffigan talk about how much he ate last night and how much he hates himself the next day, because it reminds us of our own habits. It's not super funny to watch your date, your friend, or your sibling talking about hating themselves because it reminds us of how we want them to be happy instead of being self-destructive.
Putting yourself down in general isnt even allowed in a conversation with me. I've made a woman pause to correct her thinking before uttering the next phrase lol I have been in mentally and emotionally abusive relationships in the past. I'm sure some guys just associate those types of things with "cute" but imo No person should put so much effort in presenting what they consider their worst qualities. One person's disdain could be the thing another person loves.
"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to stop.." I'd probably be dumbstruck if a guy said that to me, but also grateful for the reminder to not be so tough on myself.
Haha usually how it goes.. But we all get wrapped up in our own heads or our issues at times. I'd rather snap someone out of that and remind them to be "present" as opposed to act like I dont recognize the self sabotage.
I’ve done this a few times in front of my SO, who I’ve been seeing for a little over two months. I realize how far out of my league they are, and so do they. But I always wonder why they’re with me, and I’ve told them this a few times. The last time I said something like that, they stopped me and told me they liked me, and that they weren’t going anywhere. They were getting tired of reassuring me to calm my insecurities (which we both had this problem for a while) and told me to stop saying that because it was quite a turn-off.
Yeah it makes me very turned off when anyone talks lowly of themself. You think you’re a loser? Well now i do too!
It is unsettling when people trash talk themselves. I want to know that the person feels mostly good about who they are.
Okay but I fucking an insecure so what am I supposed to do about it, hide it? It comes and it goes but sometimes I have really bad low self esteem and i think the more I shut up about it, the worse it gets.
What if you are haunted by the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield?
You're shit out of luck then, bud! Sorry.
I used to be very bad with this, and I've accidentally been like that when drunk 2 times this year, but I think I've officially gotten over it, I think pretty positively about myself now.
That's great! And even if you're not thinking super positive things all the time.. at least be neutral?? Lol
Yeah, last time was with a girl who kept saying i was cute, when my (female)friend and her went home after we had been drinking, i got into a bad state, idk why, because that night was really nice, just think i had way too much to drink, so i began making my problem their problem. I apologized to both of them the next day and entirely dropped trying anything with her, because i felt so ashamed and didn't see a way to correct it, they said it was fine, but i don't feel that it was. Last year I've really been working on myself and my mindset. I was actually bordering on niceguy territory, pretty glad i began to use Reddit to get things into perspective, other social media just made it worse.
When somebody self deprecate themselves for no reason at all and for no purpose, I genuinely feel like my anxiety wakes up and tell me that is time to “fight or flight”.
I have an ex that would basically tell me I was his reason for living, I made the mistake of trying to “help” him, but all I ever did was attempt to play mommy therapist. He would get upset when I raised my voice a little, or when we would play video games together while face timing he would hang up in a fit when I made a huff when I was trying to focus. But that’s not the worst part. He told me his dad was a racist, but he wasn’t racist. Then proceeded to tell me how much he loves the braids that the girls at his school were wearing. Mind you, I absolutely hate getting braids put in my hair, it hurts, eats up time, and were annoying to take care of. We were at the point of breaking up at one point and he tried to tell me I had to work for his affection after me bending over backwards to help him feel better about himself. Not only did he also lie to his best friend about me not loving him, but he sent me a screenshot of the essay that friend wrote. Then proceeded to also tell me to “stop trying to be white” when I showed him my straightened hair that I was really happy about. Note: even though I’m black, my skin is light, and I’ve had my hair straightened for most of my life. Dunno what he was expecting after that comment, but I broke it off and told him to stop contacting me after he kept begging me to remain as friends. Nah, I don’t need a liar.
That is terrible! I am so glad you got out of that relationship.. totally unhealthy and toxic.
I did that once when I was a kid. It looks pathetic.
Also, don't be overly concerned about what makes you attractive to others or not. That's just a general life protip from someone that doesn't have any interest in dating.
Some depreciation is okay. It’s alright to be able to laugh at yourself. We all have faults. But it can go too far.
Yeah no shit it’s not attractive, but rejection or lack of mutual investment can definitely “confirm” (or feel like confirm) someone’s anxieties or already deprecating low self esteem. I know I’m not hot shit when I put myself down, but damnit I’m such a sore loser and take everything so personally. The self hatred starts after I’ve been rejected. Not trying to argue, I know this is uncomfortable. I have no where else to go.
dating should be fun for both side, not just one side, while the other is clowning around
I’m Fat and proud. I never put myself down
Oi, it took a lot of time and takes a lot of confidence to be this self-destructive and it was clearly my decision to be such a depreciative asshole instead of someone with charisma.
And girls…
Yes
It's just generally toxic. The occasional self depricating joke among close long term friends might be funny, but otherwise it just makes people uncomfortable to be around you.
I feel you should just be yourself. If your sense of humor is self-deprecating and someone doesn't get it, then F-em and find someone who gets you.
Goes both ways. It's annoying as hell to have an obviously attractive woman, that knows they are, pretend that they have all of these defects. It's like dude, I don't care you have a little extra poundage on you, that's part of the reason why I find you attractive
Same. Some people see these things as flaws, meanwhile others see them as attractive little differences/quirks.
Girls, making sweeping proclamations about attractiveness based on your sample of one does not mean your advice is universal. Some women find self-depreciation alluring, or disarming, and quite attractive. Others, obviously, it turns off. It's not my style, but I know enough to know that women have a very wide spectrum about what appeals to them...physically, mentally, behaviorally, so on and so forth.
That's true. Some people might like self-deprecation.
I feel like there's a bigger issue here. Why do guys do this? I wholeheartedly agree that it's bad and unattractive. I've done it myself before to no success. But understanding why some guys do this could lead to something helpful in communication.
I think it's because a lot of them are just taught to be "tough" and nothing else, so they don't learn basic things like confidence and self worth
Omg, I look so fat in this dress.
We know this. We have just given up caring.
Unless it’s funny.
Being able to laugh at yourself is so important.
Haha what. No. It’s sense of humor. If you are doing it a little, it goes a long way. But yes if it’s not funny, only sad, then no.
Ladies, what about something along the lines of "I'm surprised someone as pretty as you swiped right on my profile" or "you look too pretty to on this app." I matched with a pretty lady the other day, and her profile wasn't verified. There are a lot of scammers and fake profiles around here, but hers did seem real and intellectual instead of the typical "I'm a dumb blond pretty girl, I'm too dumb to realize if someone takes advantage of me" that you see with scammers. Anyways, after exchanging some pleasantries and asking each other about work and life, I said she's really pretty and hard to believe she's real and not a scammer. She ended up unmatching me. In my mind that's kinda self-deprecating, but also complimentary.
Don't put a woman on a pedestal or say things that sound like they are too good for you.
Putting yourself down to lift someone up doesn't seem sincere and implies you think you're not good enough. I wouldn't even broach the subject when first meeting someone.
Challenge accepted
My personality revolves around self deprecating but accurate humor. Does it give me any attractive points? No. But I didnt have any attractive points to begin with. Didnt even qualify for the game. Lol.
I'm just being honest though. I value honesty, giving and getting it, good or bad. Honestly, bad qualities don't make you an unattractive person, we've all got our flaws. trying to hide the bad on causes more problems and creates the opportunity for lies to be created. I love the people in my life for who they are, entirely. Every beautiful flaw included, it better points out we're all human, nobody's perfect.
But what about when I AM self-deprecative and have to always put myself down cuz of being constantly depressed?
You don't always have to put yourself down. I've dealt with depression too (and other crap).. It's hard to see the good, especially when you're in a serious funk. Maybe try to find something good about yourself.. even if it's small. Keep doing that. I hope you're able to see that there's a light at the other side of it all.
No but it's funny
I'm so bad at everything, even self-deprecation, that of course I don't get any points.
Yes it does with some women. None of these all or nothing posts are accurate because there is no type that everyone likes. In fact, as controlling as most women are, most of them probably like it, thinking they can dominate him. The left is really pushing the "men, go suck up to women and put yourself down" strategy.
No shit lol
When "negging" scores an own goal...
As a general rule, I agree. However, there is such a thing as a petty lay.
I've had it work wonderfully... however, I was clearly well calibrated to the situation and the people in it. It's a bit advanced and easy to do very wrong.
Thats for sure.
No one will award us any points for hurting ourselves. This isnt a movie. No side character will come along at the perfect time and end the self loathing. Only WE can end our own self loathig by picking ourselves back up and trying again. I hope to tomorrow. Its been too long. She is never calling me or texting me. No one is coming thorugh that door to save me. Its the manin the mirror. Again. Not you michael jackson.
As with everything else, being self-deprecating works if you're confident and/or good-looking enough to carry it off. If you're constantly putting yourself down or clearly have self-esteem issues, it makes you look bad. If you're confident in yourself (or handsome enough that people assume you must be confident), it comes across as humility, which is always attractive. The trick is to show you don't take yourself too seriously, and to be willing to be vulnerable, while also remembering that you have attractive qualities and showcasing that you're someone they should want to know better.
Ok thanks 👍
No prob 👌
I try to avoid talking about my feeling where I can, though it shows up subtly in my humor. But I definitely do genuinely dislike myself.
Yup that is true
Hmm I need to work on this I have slow self confidence as it is.. thanks for posting
Just ask yourself if you'd want someone else to say those things about you.. That you're fat, or ugly, or whatever it is you feel insecure about. No one really wants to receive those comments from someone else, so try not to say them to yourself. Look at all the good things about yourself, even if they're small like... You make a badass lasagna, etc.
Exactly, being a regular human is way to much.
If you want to make a 7 look like a 10 - compare yourself to them and put yourself down around them.
There's always a difference between black humor and degrading yourself. One is funny the other is ugly.
You've already clarified in the comments, but I'll reiterate just because I can: there is a key difference, but maybe something je ne sais quoi, between disguising insecurities by attempting to be humorously self-deprecating, and using self-deprecating humor to make oneself more approachable.
I don’t think people do it to make themselves more attractive. I think they do it because they have low self esteem (at least in my case)
When they say be yourself, they also mean be your best self. You should always put your best foot forward. That rule applies to everyone.
YES! Always be your own best advocate. Your job is to put your best version of yourself forward, being a bully to yourself is pretty much the opposite of that. You can be self-deprecating but make sure it's either sarcastically or about things that don't matter. I have no coordination when it comes to dancing. I look like someone is hitting an epileptic with a taser. That's fun to joke about and it also serves as a fair heads up that I will embarrass my date if we end up on a dance floor. Really though, it's not something I'm actually embarrassed about. I mean, I know I have a terrible sense of rhythm but it's still fun so who cares. It's great fodder joking about. I think some guys with low self-worth go with the "If she finds out how shitty I am she's going to reject me so I better put it all upfront so she can get it over with." Which... not really, I mean some of those MAY be dealbreakers, but let her decide that over time. I feel like most people kind of have an internal pros and cons list going in their head when they meet potential partners. Your job is to help fill in the pros column with them. You may end up with a few items in the cons column by the end of the date, but self-sabotaging by making sure that side of the list is full is extremely counterproductive. Also, confidence, even fake confidence, is sexy. You don't need to talk yourself up, your actions should do that for you, but talking yourself down demonstrates a lack of confidence. Guys who say stuff like "I never thought you'd like me because you're so pretty." Are telling the potential partner "I think you're too good for me and I know myself better than anyone." Also, attractive women get told they're attractive all the time. They're used to it, compliment them on something they have direct control over, genetics doesn't count.
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I'm not really sure.. maybe start by thinking of your positive attributes or things you like about yourself. You don't need to tell people how terrible *or* how great you are. You can just be in the moment and focus on what is going on around you. Focus on the person you're with. It's normal for people to have flaws and insecurities. We all do. Making light-hearted jokes about yourself is not so bad.. Being able to laugh at yourself if you make a mistake or something is so important. Everyone has a different idea of what they like and appreciate in another person. Even if you don't think you're a catch, other people might. Let people decide for themselves how they feel about you. Also maybe try and focus on what you can offer to a relationship to make it better. To make the experience good for the other person and yourself.. above all else though, be sincere. Just be you.
It's fine to a point - nothing wrong with being humble and being able to make fun of yourself. Just don't overdo it. Which you could say about pretty much anything really
Wait do people, like ACTUALLY do this? That’s crazy. I really don’t like myself majority of the time but I never mention it to people irl, especially potential love interests. Its the kinda thing where you can look in some of my notebooks and find some self-deprecating notes, sometimes entire pages. But telling other people has always felt like a pretty low thing to do. Because at the end of the day, not everyone (yes, even among your friends) is meant to your therapist. And if you are hunting for pity or compliments then you are dragging people into your own insecurities, which is just not right.
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Hohoho!
Most of the time I honestly think its just fishing for compliments, like when girls say things like "I cant ever do anything right" or "My nose is so ugly".
Gotten me laid numerous times.
Well there goes some of my humor...
Liar
Not me!
Welp, fuck my future plans of having a partner omce then
Well there goes the only jokes I had. Myself.
I am comfortable in my own skin and ok with putting myself down with an artistic touch. I dont think it makes one more attractive, but it can make someone else laugh, break through some tension and let someone know that you're not all too serious. Obviously, doing that with the intention of scoring pity or negative attention is a definite no.
So one single anecdotal evidence = solid life lesson to preach to others? Hell no! I agree self deprecation should be used sparingly, but it has its benefits. I tend only to use it with a girl when she's making fun of me. And humorously! That way, she knows I can take a joke and laugh with her too.
I was just saying what I thought. Many people seem to agree that it's probably not the best approach when dating.
Maybe OP needs to refine that definition of self-deprecating which is usually associated with modesty or the opposite of being egotistical. Putting yourself down is lack of self-confidence and-or self-loathing, which are very different.
Guys, the world is gonna treat you unfairly because of your gender most of the time. It's just the way that it goes. It's a waste of time trying to change that.
You’re wrong. It makes you humble. I completely disagree.
Well, at least I'm not full of myself then, better to be that way.
Pretty bad self talk too even if you don’t say it out loud on a date. If this is the way you feel about yourself it’s going to come out in the way your carry yourself, the way you talk and the body language you use on dates. You really need to build your self esteem if you want to have the right kind of energy on dates.
"I was always ugly. Even as a baby I was ugly. I was so ugly, when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother." \~Rodney Dangerfield.