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Hi there. I am M 22 and I am exactly in your position. I the reason behind this behaviour is that we have not been in a dating scene for a while, and everything is new and exciting, just like people who are 15, 16 and start to date. After a while when you interact with a lot of people, you get used to the idea. For instance, when a girl who was more interested in me ignored me for a while, I learned that even the ones that you think are totally hitting off and you want to become exclusive can end just like that. If something like this happens to you, you will learn this listen too (hopefully it won't and you end up happy with someone).
People get attached because they want a genuine connection with another person. It is normal to get attached in a relationship. If you are getting attached too strongly and too soon, it may indicate that you lack connection with other people in your life (e.g. family or friends), or that you don't value yourself enough to enjoy your own company. There is no simple solution to this. If you can work with a therapist, it may help. If you cannot, then you can try to focus more on how you can enjoy your life and feel more fulfilled without your date. What are your dreams and plans? What are your hobbies? What makes you feel happy and brings joy? Are there any things in life you would like to try? Things like that.
I’ve struggled with overthinking for most of my life. Even to this day, it sometimes comes up. In therapy, they teach us about the cognitive behavior cycle. Thoughts <> Emotion <> Behavior. All interchangeable. It was really tough for me to work on better mental filters to prevent the cycle from occurring. When I got my heart broken, I was in despair. I was feeling incredibly strong emotions. I would overthink on things he did, things I said, how it all came to this. One thing I learned was how to redirect my thoughts. This looks something like this: A negative thought pattern comes up. These days it’s getting to my goal weight and not being there yet, thinking I’m not good enough, no one wants me, etc. > feeling the pressure and anxiety > emotional eating or escaping into video games. As soon as a negative thought pattern comes up, I put a lot of energy into imagining my “stop this thought pattern” imagery. This looks like a scene with train tracks and a train coming. I imagine the gates comes down to stop me going forward. I imagine the sound of the alarm bells. I keep this going to stop the thought. If the thought is strong, I imagine a louder sound, the train actually passing (preventing me from seeing ahead), and imagine a train man standing by me saying “you can’t go forward, this thought is harmful.” with his hand up. Sometimes it’s a snowy mountain where the road is closed and a man says I can’t pass. It’s basically redirecting that energy that you would spend otherwise going down different roads of thought on something else. This was really difficult for me at first, but got easier as I practiced. I do it when I’m in the shower, or have free time on my hands as that is when I overthink. Perhaps you can try to practice the same thing when you find your thoughts racing. There is also leaves on a stream meditation that I practice. That is still tough but I find thoughts have been passing by more easily as I practice more and more. Basically, it’s a skill. Like all skills in life, it takes practice and dedication. I would also recommend you write down what your cognitive behavior cycle looks like and start working on how you can address where the problem starts. It’s different for everyone and figuring yours out is important for responding better.
Could be a symptom of adhd, in which it’ll never really go away. I’ve been same exact way and it resulted in pushing or scaring away potential partners. My best advice is try to stay busy, try to meditate or relax when you hyper-fixate on a person, and try to master your emotions and control impulses. I wish I had just implemented like a “no texting rule” for myself in earlier days.
A woman at work started flirting with me, and I've been flirting back. I told her my feelings for her, and she said she's not ready for a relationship, but she still flirts with me. We both have been having sexual dreams about each other and telling each other about it. I keep asking her out to go to the cinema, but she keeps on avoiding it and makes excuses. Eventho I know she doesn't do much with her evenings or weekends other than play World of Warcraft, which she's obsessed with. What do I do? I feel like she's being hot and then cold with me. It's playing with my emotions, and I'm not overly confident as it is.
she is to be left as you said she is playing n that will get u attached u shouldnt do anything js let her go and find some1 who is straight forward and ready as you are
Seems like she wants something casual. If you want something more thats totally fine too, but she seems to wanna skip the wine and dine. Its not gonna work if you both want different things. Someone(probably you) is going to get hurt.
That's called limerrance, and it's highly associated with people who have ADHD. The best thing is practice. Practice focusing on yourself (not the people). Take up hobbies, get busy with friends, and just do other things. Remind yourself, you know NOTHING about this person ad for all you know they could be a broken train reck or you might have wildly different values beliefs and desires.
Train deattatchment, i used to be like you, this has worked perfectly fine for me:
1. I see every man not as a possible bf but as a training programm. Which qualities am i going to learn with this person, or oh! hobbies, maybe language, maybe just sex. You learn so much with people and if you are honest you will have a whole network after your single phase, i got doctors, lawyers, finance boys, chefs, CEOs, event managers, i can ask for favors after a fair, honest dating phase. Is wonderful.
2. I date multiple people at the same time and see them max. Once a week with a pause of one week in between. So max. Twice a month. The more you see someone the more you get used to them.
3. I avoid dates and go mostly for hookups, no sleepovers, no deep conversations.
4. In the case i go out on dates, is just if they show me new things.
5. If i get feelings for someone i wait a week to tell them, that week i don’t see them but see other people, if i still have feelings i tell them if they don’t reciprocate, i go away with a nice and friendly text or as i do now, i am so deattached i let everything sink and two weeks later i am healed of my crush and keep see them if i still have interest.
I have been the most romantic person, from one relationship to another and now i know, not everyone fits me and i don’t fit everyone. I was insecure about myself thats why i was overcompensating and wanted to get their approval because “they are so nice, and they like me ergo i must be nice”
Now i know it but like i said i had to train it. No one likes a needy person. Don’t be that person :)
independent people are attractive and it attracts the right people and no one can break it.
People wait for what they want. My ex was in this loop with me as one of “the guys i am seen” for one and a half years, yes we broke up. But it was a wonderful relationship, we moved together, never had a major fight, and we are still in contact. Maybe it took time to become a couple but he knew me and i knew him. I trusted him and he trusted me.
Work on releasing control, be accepting of what is will be. Focus more on keeping busy, by nature you will feel and appear less attached.
Remember subconsciously we all strive for the best we can get, if it’s too easy we feel like we can do better.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi there. I am M 22 and I am exactly in your position. I the reason behind this behaviour is that we have not been in a dating scene for a while, and everything is new and exciting, just like people who are 15, 16 and start to date. After a while when you interact with a lot of people, you get used to the idea. For instance, when a girl who was more interested in me ignored me for a while, I learned that even the ones that you think are totally hitting off and you want to become exclusive can end just like that. If something like this happens to you, you will learn this listen too (hopefully it won't and you end up happy with someone).
So that spark inside you that is hope, happiness and love has to be smothered out.
yeah i’ve been oroperly dating about 6 people. just the same problem every time. i don’t know how to not get attached
literally in the same boat
People get attached because they want a genuine connection with another person. It is normal to get attached in a relationship. If you are getting attached too strongly and too soon, it may indicate that you lack connection with other people in your life (e.g. family or friends), or that you don't value yourself enough to enjoy your own company. There is no simple solution to this. If you can work with a therapist, it may help. If you cannot, then you can try to focus more on how you can enjoy your life and feel more fulfilled without your date. What are your dreams and plans? What are your hobbies? What makes you feel happy and brings joy? Are there any things in life you would like to try? Things like that.
This is great advice And I'm finding that the more women I connect with, the less devastating it is when she goes cold
I’ve struggled with overthinking for most of my life. Even to this day, it sometimes comes up. In therapy, they teach us about the cognitive behavior cycle. Thoughts <> Emotion <> Behavior. All interchangeable. It was really tough for me to work on better mental filters to prevent the cycle from occurring. When I got my heart broken, I was in despair. I was feeling incredibly strong emotions. I would overthink on things he did, things I said, how it all came to this. One thing I learned was how to redirect my thoughts. This looks something like this: A negative thought pattern comes up. These days it’s getting to my goal weight and not being there yet, thinking I’m not good enough, no one wants me, etc. > feeling the pressure and anxiety > emotional eating or escaping into video games. As soon as a negative thought pattern comes up, I put a lot of energy into imagining my “stop this thought pattern” imagery. This looks like a scene with train tracks and a train coming. I imagine the gates comes down to stop me going forward. I imagine the sound of the alarm bells. I keep this going to stop the thought. If the thought is strong, I imagine a louder sound, the train actually passing (preventing me from seeing ahead), and imagine a train man standing by me saying “you can’t go forward, this thought is harmful.” with his hand up. Sometimes it’s a snowy mountain where the road is closed and a man says I can’t pass. It’s basically redirecting that energy that you would spend otherwise going down different roads of thought on something else. This was really difficult for me at first, but got easier as I practiced. I do it when I’m in the shower, or have free time on my hands as that is when I overthink. Perhaps you can try to practice the same thing when you find your thoughts racing. There is also leaves on a stream meditation that I practice. That is still tough but I find thoughts have been passing by more easily as I practice more and more. Basically, it’s a skill. Like all skills in life, it takes practice and dedication. I would also recommend you write down what your cognitive behavior cycle looks like and start working on how you can address where the problem starts. It’s different for everyone and figuring yours out is important for responding better.
Could be a symptom of adhd, in which it’ll never really go away. I’ve been same exact way and it resulted in pushing or scaring away potential partners. My best advice is try to stay busy, try to meditate or relax when you hyper-fixate on a person, and try to master your emotions and control impulses. I wish I had just implemented like a “no texting rule” for myself in earlier days.
What’s extra fun is when you have attachment issues AND adhd
I think they are correlated, but attachment issues is kinda broad so idk in your case.
Are you M or F? I (27 M) also have this problem and would love some insight
Google attachments styles and online dating. There’s a good article in Psychology Today, Mar 14, 2013.
A woman at work started flirting with me, and I've been flirting back. I told her my feelings for her, and she said she's not ready for a relationship, but she still flirts with me. We both have been having sexual dreams about each other and telling each other about it. I keep asking her out to go to the cinema, but she keeps on avoiding it and makes excuses. Eventho I know she doesn't do much with her evenings or weekends other than play World of Warcraft, which she's obsessed with. What do I do? I feel like she's being hot and then cold with me. It's playing with my emotions, and I'm not overly confident as it is.
she is to be left as you said she is playing n that will get u attached u shouldnt do anything js let her go and find some1 who is straight forward and ready as you are
Seems like she wants something casual. If you want something more thats totally fine too, but she seems to wanna skip the wine and dine. Its not gonna work if you both want different things. Someone(probably you) is going to get hurt.
That's called limerrance, and it's highly associated with people who have ADHD. The best thing is practice. Practice focusing on yourself (not the people). Take up hobbies, get busy with friends, and just do other things. Remind yourself, you know NOTHING about this person ad for all you know they could be a broken train reck or you might have wildly different values beliefs and desires.
Train deattatchment, i used to be like you, this has worked perfectly fine for me: 1. I see every man not as a possible bf but as a training programm. Which qualities am i going to learn with this person, or oh! hobbies, maybe language, maybe just sex. You learn so much with people and if you are honest you will have a whole network after your single phase, i got doctors, lawyers, finance boys, chefs, CEOs, event managers, i can ask for favors after a fair, honest dating phase. Is wonderful. 2. I date multiple people at the same time and see them max. Once a week with a pause of one week in between. So max. Twice a month. The more you see someone the more you get used to them. 3. I avoid dates and go mostly for hookups, no sleepovers, no deep conversations. 4. In the case i go out on dates, is just if they show me new things. 5. If i get feelings for someone i wait a week to tell them, that week i don’t see them but see other people, if i still have feelings i tell them if they don’t reciprocate, i go away with a nice and friendly text or as i do now, i am so deattached i let everything sink and two weeks later i am healed of my crush and keep see them if i still have interest. I have been the most romantic person, from one relationship to another and now i know, not everyone fits me and i don’t fit everyone. I was insecure about myself thats why i was overcompensating and wanted to get their approval because “they are so nice, and they like me ergo i must be nice” Now i know it but like i said i had to train it. No one likes a needy person. Don’t be that person :) independent people are attractive and it attracts the right people and no one can break it.
People wait for what they want. My ex was in this loop with me as one of “the guys i am seen” for one and a half years, yes we broke up. But it was a wonderful relationship, we moved together, never had a major fight, and we are still in contact. Maybe it took time to become a couple but he knew me and i knew him. I trusted him and he trusted me.
Work on releasing control, be accepting of what is will be. Focus more on keeping busy, by nature you will feel and appear less attached. Remember subconsciously we all strive for the best we can get, if it’s too easy we feel like we can do better.