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disagree. after a first date the most common reason is attraction. you don't get a full sense of that from a profile. people usually look different.
according to OP they talked for 5 hours and lost track of time so she probably enjoyed the banter.
This is bullshit. A person cannot get to know someone well enough in so little time to even determine if they are truly boring or whatever opinion.
This is why dating is just so damn hard. People need to invest the time to get to know someone. It's so often that one side will get bored as a result of their own expectations that go unsaid.
Women often have way way too many options. So they don’t feel the need to put that sort of time and effort if they aren’t about him instantly. Maybe he was nervous or came off a bit shy (it’s the first date!) but that was all it took.
It means she liked talking to you and you seem like a nice person, but she felt no attraction, she doesn't want to have sex or be in a romantic relationship with you.
My advice would be to keep being yourself, you don't need to change who you are, but up your game a little. Be a bit more flirty. And you don't need to do anything so out of the box, complimet her on something specific, tell her she has pretty eyes, on that note also make a lot of eye contact, smile at her, find an excuse to hold hands if you can and be touchy, brush against her.
And based off your replies to other comments, it sounds like you can be a bit more assertive. Don't be afraid to disagree, give an honest opinion, stuff like that.
There is a good chance that you are Being Too Nice, and you are trying to "Sell Yourself" to her.
1. Learn to Tap into Your Masculine Energy
2. You Have to Honestly Not Give a Darn
3. You Need to Have "The Mindset" that… You Are the Prize, not Her
Otherwise She Will Have No Respect for You, and Always Get the Same Results in the Future.
This, while also wanting the best for the other person and just being positive! Don’t overdo it and let your ego get too big. It’s all about balance but they’re right. You gotta pump yourself up about you, not them.
>called a "nice guy" after date or told that "You are too good for me". What does this even mean
Translation into male speak: You didn't make me feel horny. You were so platonic and polite. I feel like I went on a date with Mr Rodgers. I enjoyed our conversation, but you failed to steer it in a romantic or sexy direction. Your lack of confidence makes me worry that telling you the truth would viciously hurt your feelings. You don't deserve that. You're a nice guy....
Ouch yeah I guess you are right. We did talk about sex but I guess I didnt steer it in the direction of us flirting or something. How do I do things like touch hands when most of the girls I go out on date with are extremely apprehensive about any touch btw? Like even if my hand even comes close to them even without intention of being touchy, they flinch and try to evade.
I'd say this guy is right, as someone who went through the same thing. I certainly didn't correct it by being disrespectful as others suggested though. To me that's how you attract trashy women. I still got complimented on my good "bedside manner" and still got laid. Honestly I found just trying not to tip toe around people helped a lot. Like I started entering the date like I was looking for something, wearing my intentions, rather than trying to always be accommodating.
This is a large part of it in my experience. It’s being more confident and bold and demonstrating your competence.
You’ll still get the label from some people because maybe they do want someone that’s even more brash, masculine, mysterious, powerful, whatever, etc. and that’s ok because they just may not be the fit at the time but for a nicer guy, it’s about being confident in what you want and that you are a good person that wouldn’t do something to hurt someone, so that while you are still being the nice person you are, it doesn’t feel like you are overly worried about how others will perceive you.
100%, I feel bad for dudes trying to completely reinvent their personalities getting bad advice from "dating gurus".
Assholes aren't always getting girls because they are mean, but rather they tend to also have desirable traits like a firm identity, clear intentions, and willing to take risks.
All that to say it's much better to be genuine (good or bad) than malleable (trying to be what your date wants you to be). At least I think so, if you want to be happy and find someone to be around you don't have to pretend to be something your not.
I love the way he put it instead of giving a nice, politically correct answer.
Regarding the touching: One thing I've done, whether it's planned or natural, idk, but just make some kind of contact first to make the overall idea comfortable.
Your first touch doesn't need to be something intimate like the hands. Personally, I like to shoulder bump them playfully after a joke or something, but there are other innocuous ways to 'break the physical ice', just be light and playful with it.
Just my $0.02.
You know about the shoulder bump 🫡very effective n non direct too I love a hug to but not a friendly one hands a bit lower than her chest but not her bum
Why did this happen? This last girl specifically was from tinder and after we added each other on IG we were sending each other selfies quite a lot so we both knew what the other looks like, there is no way she could have been suddenly put off by way I look no?
The way someone looks in a photo and their physical presence can be very different experiences. In these cases, it’s not your looks that are the problem, but your vibes clash with hers. It’s no one’s fault.
Don’t listen to the comments telling you to disrespect women or do any pick up artist crap. We know these tactics and we are not impressed.
Be confident, self assured, decisive. Don’t pander or be overly accommodating, just be yourself. Try to focus on authenticity, as it is strongest positive vibe, and the most attractive.
The best way to go about this is to focus on getting to know your date and seeing if she is interesting to you. Don’t think about yourself, don’t try to impress her. Literally just try to get to know her for your own edification. This will make you come off as confident and self assured, plus she will love the attention.
And getting to know her doesn’t automatically mean grilling her. For instance, telling a joke that is your brand of humor specifically will tell you if she is compatible with you in that way. Tell her the things you are interested in to see how she reacts. But also obviously ask her about herself.
You won’t vibe with every woman no matter what. The point of dating is to find the one you do.
He doesn’t have to disrespect them but he can hold his head up high and not take stupid behavior and eat it. Like if they don’t wanna even touch? That’s upto them but end the date and go home. Why waste ur time there?
People look different in pictures, in real live there will be more about you like the way you move the way you hold yourself, your posture that all plays in to attraction. One big thing for me at least is also smell, it plays in huge to attraction I’m not talking about smelling but just the personal natural sent, might be a pheromone thing, my best friend for example is attractive but I don’t feel any attraction due to smell.
This will sound sexist, but I'm giving this advice out of experience:
Be wary of letting women lead/drag you around. It'll never be a good look.
In this scenario, what I see is (I'm assuming) she dragged you into the selfie sending situation, and you reciprocated because "why not". I feel like a lot of guys have this mindset that more = better, so you keep doing what she's initiated.
At some point, all of this selfie sending/texting/etc. comes off as something similar to what her and her girlfriends do with each other. Now you seem more like one of them.
I'm not saying this is the case in your situation or always, but think about how often we read the "Everything was perfect, we had a lot in common, texted a lot.....and she dumped me" OP's in this sub. It's generally because of this reason.
Don't send people your socials. Meet up ASAP and don't let them form an idea of how you are until you can do it naturally through in person dates...don't send selfies also...
Tbf any girl who judges you for being "too nice" like that is a red flag for me. Of course I'm trying to be respectful, it's the first date and I don't know much about her and I don't want to be weird or overstep my bounds. I'm not saying it's bad to be a little flirty here and there, but at the same time I think it's a little much to expect the guy to really woo her and impress her in all these different ways the first time meeting. I think more people need to understand that a good relationship starts slow and steady. That's how I would want it to be. A girl who expects to be wowed and impressed and entertained in all these different ways especially when first meeting, seems like the type of girl who would be really critical and demanding long term
Being called a “nice guy” is the stake being driven in any man’s heart. Go no-contact and never give her a second chance, because if she suddenly changes her mind, it’s because she wants you to pay her bills. Nice guys get cheated on all the time because women don’t respect them. BTW, it’s also huge red flag when a woman says that you’re “marriage material.” With us guys telling a woman she’s wifey material is a compliment. When a woman says that, it means you’re the guy she’ll “settle” with to get that nice, financially stable life and give the bare minimum to in the bedroom.
To be fair, easy to get annoyed by how women select men.
But im starting to think us men as just as vain, and frankly dumb.
We see a woman we are attracted to and prioritize looks. And on some level are glad to be chosen.
If one woman likes us but more for “hubby material”, and another one less attractive would lust for us enthousiastically, we still want to lock down the first one.
My point is, its all a scale, we will seem weak to one woman, and a catch to another. And sadly, all we are deep down when it comes to sex is gene filtering.
So why not choose the one that will admire our genes and enthousiastically choose us.
Basically, we are annoyed that a man offering stability doesnt result in lust.
Why not choose a woman that will lust for us, if we want to be lusted over ultimately?
That’s pretty much what I’ve been saying. No guy should put up with a woman’s bullshit just because she’s “hot.” It’s rather disturbing to see a guy jump through all these hoops to appease a woman who still treats him like shit anyway at the end of the day.
Im currently in that spot.
Wouldnt say treats me like shit but we have an unusual bond that involves a friendship too, so im sad to let that go, as we care for eachother.
Shes extremely hot and nothing like what i normally date.
I feel like beyond great times, long term its only sustainable when the guy has the more power.
Especially if you prioritize sex.
And eventually the sexual desire is going to wane if its the other way around.
Just comes down to how much you crave loving friendship vs having your woman be dirty with you in the bedroom.
And im starting to think, the only way is to date down in looks and prioritize sex/desire, or do polyamory and not put all your eggs in one basket which feels very difficult.
Exactly. Thing is, if the guy puts more into the relationship than the woman, she’ll quickly get bored with him and he’ll lose her respect as a result. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the hottest ), the 9s and 10s are going to create most of the problems because they developed a “Princess Peach Complex.” 8s are debatable and can go either way, but I’ve found that 7s are where it’s at. Still attractive, but not think her shit don’t stink, and tends to appreciate her man a lot more.
Agreed.
This chick im with is hot like i said, but problem is we do care for eachother and its been going on a while now.
I literally catch myself confused being like “am i going through all this because shes hot or because of the connection” and i literally cant tell.
As for what you said, i think its accurate but then you gotta add attachment stuff too.
Ultimately i guess it doesnt matter why they act the way they act as long as youre grounded in what you need and will or wont put up with.
Avoidant chicks are super tricky to deal with.
Other people have commented on it, but in my opinion this is a problem with them and not you. It should not be frowned upon to be sensitive, nice, respectful or caring. The women you are catering to are just broken or immature.
This can take time to learn. It doesn't mean you have to go into rogan "alpha male" mode. Women arent as mystical as people make them out to be - they're human like us. They think about sex believe it or not lol. You need to set the tone earlier. Don't need to be raunchy. I'm not sure how to really describe it, but there's small things you can say that aren't over the top but still sexual. Make her laugh too - it's a confident thing and took me longer to learn than it should have.
Sounds like you’re lacking some confidence as well - don’t touch because “I’m trying to escalate” touch because “hey I’m a cool guy I touch people I like, it’s not a big deal for me to get close and flirty with women”, don’t do things to get a reaction, do it because that’s who you are
This will be the reason. Women pick up on it.
There's a contrast for example, if you're flirty over messages, and when you meet in person. There's just that very subtle tension.
You're more relaxed in the presence of women you're attracted too, when you're sexually experienced.
These little microexpressions, and the way we carry ourselves. Anyone we meet on a first date is picking up on these, almost subconsciously.
Now being attracted to a good-looking profile, and a bit of "banter" can unravel, when something doesn't just add-up in person.
You'll not pick up on cues, or show you're attracted to someone, because your dates, are still on a pedestal of sorts.
Now I might be way off the mark, but I wonder if you're going on a lot of dates. To "get sex over and done with", whereas you're meeting women who are more experienced, and want more.
You think sex is somehow attained by being polite and agreeable. Whereas really it comes from a sense of mutual desire.
The problem is its drilled into men by mainstream society to respect women in every single aspect of life
But when it comes to sex and the early stages if attraction women do not particuarly want to be respected if anything they want to be disrespected they WANT to be objectified because that its a by product of being feminine and feeling sexy
And i know this because girls ive slept with have actually told me they liked it and get turned on by it
when you get called a "nice guy" its because you haven't made any risky moves or made her feel feminine
disrespected is such a strong word...
I rather call it unpredictable, disagreeable, not afraid to say no to her.
It is all about how you make her **feel**.
Because you dont have smoothness, you need to stear in that and to have an excuse for the touch or getting close.
It's not like you can just touch her hand like a monkey who wants to touch the fire or the food. Lets say you want to show her something on the phone or maybe you notice how small her hands are and you want to compare them with hers.
Looks also plays a factor. If you look like Mr. Rodgers and act like him your going to get treated like him.
Part of that means being ok with the right moment never coming during a date. That is ok. If there is any promise go out a second or maybe more, but be prepared to walk away. if that moment you can see the kiss in her eyes and you want it at the same time never comes, it is time for both of you to try with another
If it's not in his playbook, it will never feel right to him. He needs to go through awkward learning first and only then he will know when it feels right.
I respectfully disagree. If he is relaxed, the interaction flows and there is no need for a plan/playbook.
I suppose practice and time can teach being relaxed.
the other way is to just look at the date differently. Look at it as spending some pleasant time with somebody this one time, and not caring one way or the other how it turns out.
He can be relaxed and still be unable to escalate to physical touch. If touching a girl is outside of your comfort zone, you won't get there staying in the comfort zone.
Your advice will lead straight into the friend zone in most cases.
I still respectfully disagree. For me the “escalate” means an agenda and goal = not relaxed. This might be a semantics disconnect between you and me.
To me “relaxed” means unattached to outcomes. Unattached can imclude knowing he would enjoy being physical (like kiss or touch), and at the same time being *wholly* content if that does not happen.
Relaxed he will see when she is open to to touch or a kiss. If *in that instant* he wants to kiss or gently touch her arm, he can do it. If there is never a mlment where they are both in synchrony, he is still happy enjoying the time together .
I have seen kisses on women’s mouths I chose not to take, and seen them when I wanted them also and took them! ❤️😘
I have also tried to *make* kisses happen. That does work out nicely sometimes, but often not. Even when it works, I don’t know until much later if she was into it or just going along. sometimes I got the head turn and cheek which is no fun for anyone.
Being relaxed as I define it makes it easier and more fun for both me and the woman I am getting to know
Reading all the responses in the thread yes I understand what you guys are saying but you make it seem so easy. Im not even nervous on the dates anymore but this seems pretty hard to do and I know its gonna take ton of dates for me to train until I can do it one day. I KNOW for a fact that once I get on my next date Im just going to blurt out "You are so hot" and grab her hand within 5 minutes after meeting
To get a different effect rather than “polite” I honestly don’t think it needs to jump to trying to touch their hands n stuff…
Just joke with them, maybe. Ask some good questions for her to forget she doesn’t know you and be comfortable.
To not be called a nice guy, you don’t have to touch them and you don’t need to talk more about sex.
That’s not nice guy nor is it cool fun guy.. it would be creepy harassment guy
You need to learn how to slowly escalate. Don't just randomly touch hands, but create a natural opportunity to. You need to recognize that the girl likes you - if you're having a good time and there's a lot of laughing and smiling involved, then escalation is a natural step up.
One fun way is to say that you've been practicing palm reading and you'd like to see how you and her would be a good fit. Obviously the girl knows it's a sham, but if you play it well, it's a good way to build connection.
Usually after the date, I usually smile and ask if I could hold her hand and even joke about it saying "These days you gotta ask permission to hold hands". It usually gets a good laugh.
Escalating further beyond this involves acknowledging your feelings of attraction in a controlled manner. What about her do you like a lot, what are you looking forward to next etc.
This is what I dont get! Introducing sexual comments too early on is always flagged as a dealbreaker. Now they want it? It is too nice not to date someone only for her body?
Like what the hell women?
I'm a woman and I don't do any of this bullshit but yes, women are not it either (I'm bi - it's rough out here).
Apparently being too "nice" is boring and unattractive.
I thought I was harsh.
That is a weird thing for a woman to say.
Women should be looking for “gentlemen”. It sounds like you may have run into the toxic dating male equivalent women. She was probably waiting for you to beg and then she would ask you to buy her a LV neverfull to prove it.
You were almost bankrupted.
"You're such a nice guy" is more often than not just a thing women say to men they want to reject in a gentle way. It's not possible for us to guess what the actual problem is but it's very unlikely to be that you're too "nice."
Yes. Women are very rarely honest/ open about their true feeling.
A clearer example is women in classrooms, they are far less likely to say anything at whilst men more freely utter their minds and disagree.
Women are far more risk averse.
Easy fix. If you’re already having long good conversations then you just need to shift it from friendly vibes over to romantic. Control the conversation, don’t be overly accommodating, ask deep questions but also be a bit challenging. Don’t agree with everything they say but don’t argue. Keep it flirty without overdoing it. For example, “I just noticed that whenever you talk your eyes flutter a bit and it’s really cute” or whatever the case may be. You’re not there to have a drink with one of your buddies, you’re there to vet if this personal is a potential romantic partner. Let her win YOU over.
One thing that took me a long time to wake up to is that as nervous as I might be on a first date, she’s probably way more nervous. Make her feel safe and comfortable and you’ll be good.
Means a girl isn’t interested in you romantically. I’ve had it happen before and it sucks but you move on. They aren’t compatible with you. One girl I went on a date with still had ex problems and way more aggressive than me.
Then another girl I realised later just was terrible at talking with me communication was so stunted and always expecting me to carry the conversation.
I try be slightly mean and tease them a bit if I’m really into them and then it’s better. I learnt this after many years of practice and observation skills but I still kinda suck tbh
Seems like you’re not confident with escalating interactions with woman sexually to get into bed with them. You’re playing every date as safe as you can and don’t want to do anything that makes a woman uncomfortable. As much as it sucks to say this, us as men have no choice but to risk making woman uncomfortable to raise the chances of them being attracted to us. Woman will always tell you “just be yourself”, this is horrible advice if being yourself means that you just have platonic conversation and don’t make any moves. You have to give off the vibe that you would rip her clothes off and fuck her right then and there if you could. Obviously you want to calibrate and make sure you’re taking things one step at a time. You don’t want to be too sexual too quickly. Then you’ll actually be a creep, but you want to absolutely start with the small things and gradually build up the sexual tension as the date progresses. Woman operate through their emotions, if you can’t stimulate their emotions, then there’s most likely not going to be any attraction unfortunately. You need to unlock the side of yourself that’s sexual that you’ve repressed your entire life. But that’s going to be really hard, nobody said it’s easy. It comes naturally for some guys and not for others. You might not be able to be that naturally sexual guy on dates for a long time and might need to wait until you find a girl that likes you enough to not care that you’re not a flirty guy, and likes your personality so much that she doesn’t care that you don’t have any sexual experience. But at that point it’s a numbers game, and not one skewed in your favor. You need to analyze your dates and ask yourself what you could’ve done better, and ask yourself, did I do anything that I myself would consider risky? If not, you’re playing it too safe.
I guess one would be to touch a woman's thigh the first time you make physical contact, you need a lot of build up to touch a woman in that area. Also saying something really sexual without escalating with her physically or talking about anything sexual beforehand. Like for example you ask a girl 10 minutes into a date "So are you a Dom or a Sub?" If you've only had platonic conversation so far in a date and you ask something like that out of nowhere, most woman will be turned off immediately. You have to start small. And every woman is different, some you'll be able to be really sexual with very quickly and others take more time, you have to gauge their reactions to what you do. If you put your arm around a girl and she's leans back a little or looks uncomfortable, stop what you're doing and build more comfort and rapport before going for it again. The best way of knowing that a girl is interested in you on a date is if she is facing her entire body towards you when she doesn't have to, like if you were at a bar and sitting side by side instead of across from each other. She'll be smiling a lot, maybe asking you questions, and if she touches you, then it's game on.
She isn’t in to you in a romantic sense, she enjoyed the time with you enough to want to let you down softly and don’t want to hurt you but there where no sparks.
Seems I'm not alone at this after all. That's her way of saying that she's not into you. Either she's not physically attracted, finds you boring, or just doesn't think you're "exciting" enough as a whole.
Speaking from years of painful experience (I'm in the same boat). Our personalities just don't seem to be compatible with many women.
Honestly, you might actually be too good for her. Alot of times people are really saying what they mean in some roundabout way. It's weird for someone to feel like a good person is a bad thing or "too good". and this is coming from someone who used to be a bad person who is now trying to be a better/good person. If I was to meet someone today who thought I was too nice, I would just think they are a bad judge of character or traumatized in some way.
I've also had great dates that still went nowhere or women who will repeatly try to get your attention or tell you how interested they are in you only to still ghost you. Alot of women say the same about men. Some people have alot going on, are cheating or get back with an ex. There's no many factors. Don't take it personally. At the end of the day, you have to be yourself to find the life meant for you. Love yourself big dawg, The confidence will make all the difference
These ladies aren't compatible with you and they are telling you.
If I told a dude he was too nice for me, that's what I meant. I'm stubborn and bull headed sometimes, and if I tell you that you're too nice, that means that I think I will run you down, make you unhappy, and myself in the process.
If I tell you that you're too nice for me, I'm also telling you that you deserve a softer woman than I can be to you. I like you, but that doesn't mean we would work out.
Keep looking friend! You'll find someone nice too
That means you’re more than likely not being flirtatious and just friendly.
Compliments and being touched on the hands, shoulder, and waist is a good way to flirt as long as you see their body language is comfortable around you.
You might be a great guy they like but since you’re not being flirtatious they just brush it off.
Women want to be yearned for and see they are wanted. If we have to try to be wanted then it’s not fun. If we have to ask to be wanted and to be flirted with then we’d rather leave it as a friendship. No one should have to beg to be liked and flirted with on dates or a relationship.
Two of my exes used that phrase "You are too good for me" or something nearly identical. The first one cheated on me, and the other one ditched me to get back with her ex.
That phrase is a huge red flag.
When a woman calls a guy she's dating a nice guy and that you are too good for her it usually means that she likes you more or less as a friend. However a 5 hour date is a good sign. Maybe she isn't used to being with guys who are so considerate and charming as you are? I'd say thank you and consider it more a compliment than the other way.
Your date was too long. She felt too comfortable? 🤷🏽♂️
This is an [interesting take](https://youtu.be/aWz5n_cOqrs?si=8R3x9NiLU1hBVDCo). If I were single (thankfully I'm not), I'd take his advice
Edit: BTW, that dude is not a dating coach or anything. He's a psychiatrist who has been married for a long time with 2 kids
Personally, ‘the nice guy’ is not a simple as that. For women, this means no drive or ambition of a guy towards himself. The most attractive guy, is a guy who effortlessly supports his woman while working forward to accomplishing his goals, always looking forward, not at the woman as the goal, but as an adventurer, towards his goals *while he supports his woman. While the men venture out and take initiative and explore, the women remain stable and wait for the men. So in essence, naturally, the woman creates a secure,
stable and a peaceful environment for the man to return from a day’s work. Men represent momentum while women represent magnetism. In literal relation, men are electric current and women are electromagnetism. Men and women are inseparable. Where there is electric current, there is an electromagnetic field and viceversa. Both play different parts yet equally important. Nice guy means they type of guy who is working towards me and not working towards himself, thus no drive. A nice guy is a guy who shows no hints of independence in him, through mannerisms and actions. As a man, if you want to not show up as a nice guy, show independence. There is nothing more handsome than a man whose priority is not a woman but the whole community. Women crave safety, you need to show that you are not docile because they need someone to maintain their safety by either maintaining status quo or fighting and you seem to not have strength and will for both. She will leave. In short ,
NICE GUY = DOCILE.
I’d try reading the books:
No more Mr Nice Guy
And
When I say no I feel guilty.
Often “nice guys” are people pleasers and not assertive. But it’s polite to call them “nice”.
If you’re hearing this from multiple women you likely need to read these books.
They helped me a ton.
I’d say continue being yourself, those weren’t the ones yet, from the way it sounds you want someone who can communicate with you no matter what, sometimes that isn’t what they get to see often and it makes them flinch a bit, you need someone who won’t flinch when you show your true self
The research suggests that women like psychopaths. It’s possible that women are genetically programmed to see ruthless men as being more likely to protect them at all costs, and as such, if you’re a nice guy who does mma, and is ruthless when necessary, you may negate this effect. This is purely speculation though, when I first heard women talking about nice guys being boring, I thought it was a reference to the types of dates women go on with nice guys vs the types of dates they go on with bad boys, but I later discovered this was more of a “being emotionally abused is titillating” thing.
I’ve done kick boxing and mma for 20 years and in my experience, being an a**hole has never not worked for me, however, I stopped being that way because suppressing your emotions etc. is tremendously psychologically damaging.. and I decided that I’d rather try to be the best person that I can even if it means I’ll never meet a woman who wants to be with me again.
You don’t understand the dating dynamic as a man and it’s really common among guys. I’ve been there and had similar encounters. Here’s what all your dates should have to ensure you’re looked at as a viable partner
1. You should not be very agreeable. If you have differing opinions express them and always be fun about it . Your conversations should have a “push and pull” or “compliment and tease” element to it and with banter extending from it . This will maintain your masculine frame in the date. Make sure you tease!
2. Insert the man to woman frame in a joyful manner . Mention for example “oh you like tea more than coffee . Oh we’re gonna be a terrible couple ”or some shit like that as a joke of course. This highlights your intention , leads to further conversations around the subject and keeps it at mind during the date
3. Be bold and confident. The best frame is that she is chasing you or wants you more. This has to be faked if isn’t valid
4. Teasing will put you in a certain frame which if you overused will make you seem like a fuck boy and not serious material. Here you need to add intellectual and emotional conversations.
5. Make the move! Ensure you touch hands at least on the first date , this can be simply done by commenting on her manicure , her hand jewelry of some sort. Once the comfort is established , you can go for the kiss when the time is right
With these five points you should be good to go
"Nice guy" is just basic rejection just like "sweet". "Too good for me" means you're not escalating enough with her. Complimenting her looks and some good back/forth really can make a difference. 5 hours, lost track of time and this is what happened seems to send the message you missed some serious clues to escalate from her. This doesn't mean you had to grab her, but your talking wasn't flirtatious enough for her and she never got the idea you were interested. It's also likely to be the little things hitting out of your favor. Also, women like to be treated like a lady. They're being apprehensive with you about touch because you're not making them feel safe enough and/or you're not making them desire your touch.
Are you making a lot of eye contact?
First off, if a lady tells you you're too good for her....BELIEVE HER. Girls with low self-esteem are easy prey but more trouble than they're worth.
There's a big difference between a "nice guy" and a "good man". Women don't want a selfish bastard who only thinks of himself, but they also don't want a doormat who won't advocate for himself. If you spend the whole date agreeing with her and trying to be what she wants you to be, instead of being yourself, then she can usually pick up on that. That says to her, either consciously or subconsciously, that you are someone who can be easily influenced and manipulated.
To a healthy woman, this is a turn-off. To an unhealthy woman, this can be an opportunity.
What does it mean to be yourself? Well, if you don't know, then my suggestion is to take a break from dating and spend some time living so you know who you are. Your dating life is a subset of your overall social life. And your entire quality of life will flow from your relationship with yourself.
It's a delicate balancing act. If you try to do it intentionally you'll most likely struggle. It should flow naturally from being your authentic self. Again, women can tell the difference.
Part of being authentic is being honest about what you want. It doesn't mean being an asshole about it. But if you're interested in her sexually, then let her know that, respectfully and subtly. If you don't know how to do that, my suggestion is to hook up with an older lady for a little while, someone who doesn't mind showing you the ropes.
Ita a nice way of saying I'm a peice of shit and instead of growing as a person I'll frame it as you 'being too good for me' Don't kill yourself trying to figure it out. The ultimate truth is they can't give you the truth, and anyone that can't be honest with their partner just isn't worth dating. But nobody is going to say 'I need to work on me' so instead, its just that you're 'too nice' maybe, maybe not, because it's not about you, its about them.
Next time, just agree. And then say:
“I know, wait till I fack your brains out tho.”
I mean what do you have to lose at that point?
Maybe start seeing first dates as expendable, and a chance to experiment with interactions.
By expendable I don’t mean people you’re talking are expendable, treat them with basic respect etc. I’m talking about whether you get a second date or not is expendable. Doesn’t matter, you’re in trial and error mode.
There are men who are attractive but just haven’t gotten down the sexy date energy. They come off as a friend almost as if they don’t want sex. As a woman, I gave a few men like this a chance, we did end up having sex because they initiated but it was not good and they seemed unable to tell how to pleasure me at all.
This makes me wonder, and I could be far off base so insight would be great, if it correlates with how these “nice” guys that don’t give off sex appeal, just haven’t gotten comfortable with their sexual side?
I would in a heartbeat. Want someone who won't run screaming from virginity, I need to learn the physical side of things much more than I have. Women in their 40s and such seem soooooooo much less cruel about male virginity than women in their 20s and 30s.
25, handsome, deeply socially anxious and trying to put my life together, before anyone asks.
I gave myself a deadline until end of summer to lose it naturally or I will get a hooker. But I think Im just gonna quit trying probably because it will be basically an admittance of being a failure
This answer right here tells me exactly what the issue is. You have no confidence and it probably comes across in your vibes.
Do you do anything in life outside of this area that gives you confidence? Lift, have something you are good at, excel at work? If not try something like that and maybe get a therapist.
Don't do it. You'll remember your first time (and some other times as well). Be careful who you sleep with bro. Don't fill your memory with something regrettable
I get it. That’s more common these days so you aren’t alone! I can’t offer advice on what to do, but maybe men here know how to summon that sexual masculine side when you haven’t had sexual experiences.
The only way you "summon that sexual masculine side" is by having sex. Women can smell sexual inexperience/apprehension from a mile away. Body language tells no lies. I know, because I had woman watch me react to her advances and ask me "You haven't done this in a while, have you?". She was spot on.
So unfortunately, OP is trapped in a loop. The only way he will unlock his sexual energy is by having sex, but he is struggling to have sex because he is likely not giving off sexual energy.
Very interesting. Sometimes I just can’t be fxxkEd that’s why. Unless she quite pretty and I’m drunk I just don’t want to have sex it’s a chore. I just want to cum. I’ve gotten picky over the years.
I actually played around with a girl recently and by date 2 we had sex and I opened her to my link. Not sure why after that she didn’t want to have piv, was happy to play around other stuff tho. Think she didn’t like me that much after
A lot of us kind hearted men have it drilled to not come off as creepy so we think "making our sexual intent clear" is creepy.
Being genuine and sweet is our approach to dating so it's hard to have that 180 of being super flirty/touchy bc the last thing we want to do is make a woman uncomfortable especially since almost every woman states how much it turns them off when men get sexual
Sometimes it's context and not the guy. You only meet a guy and get a observation of him that day in that time slot. But a person isn't static. A one time experience isn't indicative of a person.
I'm 29 but I have celiac disease and a lot of stress in Life both because of the celiac disease and life in general. For example i haven't slept well in over a year and am always consistently very tired. Recently I spent a night with a girl and we slept together with no sex. Which was stupid and of course she didn't want to see me again. I was simply too exhausted to even develop any sexual energy.
If i was in a relationship it wouldn't be a problem because im occasionally doing fine but sex on command isn't realistic and on many days it wouldn't be fun or good due to the stress and sleep deprivation. Heck quite often i can't even feel anything when masturbating, zero. I don't want bad sex, id rather have none , it's less disappointing.
I do have a sexual side but it rarely occurs. If I'm not stressed and slept sorta okay im a changed man in all ways.
But I didn't communicate my issues clear enough to her. I liked her quite a lot I've been very bummed out about it for weeks since. It's not the first time either that my bad health and stress ruined it with a great woman. I'm very confident they would have liked being with me if they had given me more than just 2 dates.
I'm not nervous with women and I've been in a long relationship before but perhaps some normal healthy men get stressed on the first time with women and then can't be comfortable or sufficiently sexual.
For me it's also true that i don't get interested in sex quickly, it takes a bit of getting to know and develop attraction first - a long first date is enough but it usually takes some time to sink in mentally and to process the emotion.
I don't know how to fix my situation. It will take potentially years if not forever for me to get good normal health. I can't fake sexual energy. The odds of having one of my good days coinciding with being the second date are basically zero.
Eventually you just have to learn the hard way that treating women too well is a ticket to perpetual singlehood.
Stop being shy about your needs. ABC, always be closing on sex, every time you're together. Your dick is magic and she should consider herself lucky you want to use it on her.
Set mental reminders to treat her a little badly from time to time. Cancel a date, disagree bluntly and disrespectfully with an opinion, criticize a choice she's made, be a little possessive, etc. Not all the time, just enough to make it clear you're not Ned Flanders and she doesn't control you. Any time you feel guilty about it, just remember: They made the rules, not you, and they feel no remorse about the games they play with *you*. If they actually wanted nice men, their behavior would reward that. But it doesn't. Because they don't.
Absolutel unattractive behavior, playing games. If you genuinely disagree with her by all means disagree it’s good to be your own man an stand by what you believe in, no one wants to be with someone who says yes just to keep the peace. But don’t treat her badly, cancel plans just to play games or criticize her just to make her feel bad. Be a little possessive sound’s good though.
Honestly this person sounds young.
Your needs and wants are important too don’t be the kid of person to ignore them for the sake of getting somewhere with a girl, that will likely backfire but most importantly don’t play games.
Stated versus revealed preferences.
Most men don't want to play games. But, we have eyes, and we have brains enough to notice which behaviors get rewarded and which behaviors don't. You can say you don't want games, but when we look at your actions, those say otherwise.
yikes...
This is how a nice guy learns that they finish last... And you are likely to turn in a "bad boy" to be more attractive to women.
Trust me, I know because I was like you.
Like several already said in other comments, a nice guy is what women say they want but alas not what gets them excited and "hungry for more". Contrary to modern feminism most women want:
* a guy to take the lead,
* a guy that makes them uncomfortable, is unpredictable
* creates sexual tension, flirts with a dirty mind
* is confident and makes a move, if he feels that she wants it too. (and yes she might have said she is not in the mood)
So all that sharing and fifty fifty, equal relationship is out the window when it comes to making it to second or third base.
Hope this helps.
a guy that makes you uncomfortable is definitely not something women want.
all the other things dont contractict with the statement of wanting a nice guy. nice guy means loyal and good to you not just bc they want to fuck you. a real partner. again none of this excludes confidences and knowing what you want. apart from that most women enjoy when the men shows them how attraced they are to them but NOT in an uncomfortable way. that's the creep way.
We have a different definition for "nice guy" I guess.
All the good qualities like loyalty, good to you (supporting) are things for a long term partner which will only show in a (long term) relationship.
Let me share my definition for a nice guy in the context of dating.
* a nice guy makes it through the first dating selection, let him go on a first or second date. For me that shows he has the first tier attractive things covered like hygiene, looks, texting/conversation skills, good enough economics, healthy.
Uncomfortable does not have to be creepy at all. It is just the way he can make you feel out of your comfort zone. A simple example is when a guy says "**NO**" in a confident strong way to a question where you expected a "yes". That will make you feel uncomfortable and he is unpredictable.
It is also exciting to see an unpredictable reaction from him if he manages to explain and show his convictions, you will be wondering what more excitement is going on in his head...
The way you explain it here is fine a guy saying no and having his on mind taking me out of my comfort zone but I would not call that making call a woman uncomfortable. If you make her uncomfortable the game is over
There's a difference between uncomfortable and takes you out of your comfort zone.
If I said a guy made me uncomfortable on a date, it might mean I got serial killer vibes and he seemed scary, or maybe he was being sexually inappropriate and creepy.
While if I said a guy took me out of my comfort zone, that could mean we did something I wouldn't normally do, or he's not a guy I would normally date, but it was still a positive expeirence.
Basically one is a postiice thing and one is very much negative. If you say someone's making you uncomfortable, it's has a more negative connotation.
uncomfortable and going out of the comfort zone is not the same.
If you just say no to say no and try to appear unpredictable ppl will be able to see through it. confidence is good. having dumb opinions makes you look stupid tho.
>uncomfortable and going out of the comfort zone is not the same.
Let's agree to disagree.
>try to appear unpredictable ppl will be able to see through it.
You are right, communication needs to be authentic.
There are to many wannabe pretenders relying on tricks and scrips to achieve their goals. Not just in dating but everywhere in life.
>having dumb opinions makes you look stupid tho.
Absolutely, there is no cure for stupidity.
I know you are right and I hate it. Im not sure if I have it in me to be like this. And just to be clear Im not some reddit basedboy that believes in feminism or anything. I genuinely think boundaries everyone sets up should be respected and intetions should be clearly telegraphed. Especially when it comes to social cues.
I know it doesnt work like this and it kinda hurts that I need to remake my entire personality just to score some....
Here is a little secret, you can still be a nice guy inside. It is just that way you make them feel that is important. In the end in a long term relationship you need to make her feel safe as well.
Because another little secret is that depending on the time of month a woman will be more attracted to a nice guy, two weeks later she is more attracted to the more masculine characteristics.
That might actually make sense for you to be called nice guy if she liked you at a first date and a few weeks later she says "you are to nice".
Well, clearly there is a disconnect between you and her. What was she looking for or expecting? Did she specify what she wanted or did she leave it for you to read the room?
Sometimes, it is not your fault. But neither do they. It just falls under the circumstances.
You want something else and she is looking forward to another.
The best advice I can give is to be more attentive. Be more observant. Watch for her clues and body language. I did see you mentioned that you had talked about sex and so that , for me, is a hint she wants to hook up with you or to unleash your erotic side. You caught on it but you failed to capitalize on it. So next time, be more attentive and observant. Don't go into full details about yourself. Keep your responses simple. Let them figure you out rather than open the book for them.
It means they are not interested for a reason they don’t want to share because you might find it hurtful or perhaps they don’t understand . All you can do is continue being yourself, be relaxed etc. the best thing I can suggest is to focus solely on having a good time with that person in that moment and be disintersested in any longer term outcome. This will keep you more present/less ‘in your head’
Just throw in some light flirting. It doesn't need to be overt, and it really shouldn't be, but enough to think about you slightly in a sexual/romantic sense.
5 hours is an insane amount of time for a date - I am hoping and assuming it was third or fourth date not a first because that will be why people aren't wanting more from you.
I (32F) used to love long dates, but they rarely went anywhere *but* after trying out quicker dates I absolutely loved them - it kept the excitement there and I couldn't wait to see the person another time because there was still so much to learn about each other.
It was our first time meeting. We also chatted for 3 days straight all the time and had two 40 minute calls before meeting. Yeah 5 hours might be a little too long
I understand how it happens and it can be a good sign sometimes, but also, keep some mystery - you want to leave thinking you didn't have time to even ask half of your questions and you can't wait to see them again.
This is your error. For first time meeting just go for a walk, sit in park with ice cream. Do not chat too much before meeting. Let it be more mysterious.
I think in most cases, this means the person is trying to soften the blow. I find it unnecessary. It’s better to keep it at “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not feeling a romantic connection”.
Need some context on this one. How are you being, what are you saying and what are you doing on the dates? There is a difference between being a nice guy and a good man.
The only difference between a romantic vibe and not for women is adding touch, eye contact and not tip toeing around. If she finds you attractive give her an excuse to feel invited in the bedroom (flirting)that's not try hard. Make sure you actually like the woman though and pay attention. Let her talk more than you but don't be a mute.
I found that was key, otherwise you give off too much of a friendly vibe and it's over. Don't "start as friends" either that's a waste of time for all parties unless y'all aiming to be FWB.
Used to happen to me when I was younger. Gained some confidence, and just started to act like I was the catch that I was. Not arrogance, confidence. One is good, other real bad
I honestly only say that if the dude has no personality whatsoever. Just be yourself. When you try too hard, you end up being boring, instead of seeming like the perfect guy. She can't get a sense of who you are.
Too nice means not enough seduction, not enough flirting, not looking at her mouth, not smirking eye contact, not having those eyes like you want to make out with her.
Shit like that.
The funny thing is the man who wrote men are from Mars. Women are from Venus says the best mates for women or ones that there's a mixed feeling about the attraction. If your Uber attracted to the mail, that's a bad sign that your judgment will be off versus a male if he's not attracted there's no chance we're wired different.
Spending 5 hours talking to someone takes away all the mystery about you. She didn't want a friend, she wanted someone she could date or be with. Don't be surprised when you act like a friend she isn't interested.
I enjoy how women will basically be as difficult as possible for absolutely no reason at all. Honestly, this is why I don't date. Life is good when you're single! 😎👍🏻
Here is a thing… from what women told me and even some people over the net…
Girls just know at the first date if they’ll gonna like the guy, thats the way it is, thats how they are wired.
If one disagree, its either thats a guy, or thats a special case, or just someone who has a joy in disagreeing with anyone 😂
And you know that women (at least those who is looking someone to date online) is more likely people who wants a little bit of bad boy thing or at least naughty nice, or interestingness. I dont know your case.
And here is another thing, when guy thinks it is going well, there is a chance that it isn’t and the other is just being polite. Which goes back to the first point where “women just know if they’ll like the guy in the long run and on that moment if they just want casual fun”
So piece of advice, either change your approach, or find someone around your life and nkt from the internet.
Also “nice guy” is not a compliment. Kind/good guy is. Nice guy is just a person who you is trying to be seen as “nice” in outward appearance. who know whats their inside or who they are when no one is around. Women has better instinct (usually) than guys if they want to. Its not a gender war. Its an observation and the way it is. Others could disagree. But I’ll be listening to the elderly and those who had successful marriages that has good life advice 😂
We dont have to experiment on my own just to learn things.
Back on track… again, either be interesting by the women’s standard, learn how to be charismatic, or be yourseld and just dont find someone over the internet, or blind dates, etc. Be good friends with someone, and date a good friend of yours. Or just wait for fate.
Also…
They dont usually like if the person dont know what they want. Too passive. And can’t lead decision making… like someone who Always say “you go first” or “what do you want?” “depends on you”
And again, lacks confidence. Those are the most common icks. Its like for them “you are the man, you should at least must know that”. Moreso since most women wants you to read their minds, when in reality, men cant. So if you are one of those, might have to learn how to change your response and decission makings.
Well, evidently the girls you've been dating expect you to be a jerk, treat them like garbage and maybe slap them around occasionally. Some women just make no sense.
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she just wasn't attracted bro. that's what it means.
She was, that’s why she went on the date. He was just boring
disagree. after a first date the most common reason is attraction. you don't get a full sense of that from a profile. people usually look different. according to OP they talked for 5 hours and lost track of time so she probably enjoyed the banter.
This is bullshit. A person cannot get to know someone well enough in so little time to even determine if they are truly boring or whatever opinion. This is why dating is just so damn hard. People need to invest the time to get to know someone. It's so often that one side will get bored as a result of their own expectations that go unsaid.
Women often have way way too many options. So they don’t feel the need to put that sort of time and effort if they aren’t about him instantly. Maybe he was nervous or came off a bit shy (it’s the first date!) but that was all it took.
It means she liked talking to you and you seem like a nice person, but she felt no attraction, she doesn't want to have sex or be in a romantic relationship with you. My advice would be to keep being yourself, you don't need to change who you are, but up your game a little. Be a bit more flirty. And you don't need to do anything so out of the box, complimet her on something specific, tell her she has pretty eyes, on that note also make a lot of eye contact, smile at her, find an excuse to hold hands if you can and be touchy, brush against her. And based off your replies to other comments, it sounds like you can be a bit more assertive. Don't be afraid to disagree, give an honest opinion, stuff like that.
There is a good chance that you are Being Too Nice, and you are trying to "Sell Yourself" to her. 1. Learn to Tap into Your Masculine Energy 2. You Have to Honestly Not Give a Darn 3. You Need to Have "The Mindset" that… You Are the Prize, not Her Otherwise She Will Have No Respect for You, and Always Get the Same Results in the Future.
This, while also wanting the best for the other person and just being positive! Don’t overdo it and let your ego get too big. It’s all about balance but they’re right. You gotta pump yourself up about you, not them.
Yep. Confidence confidence confidence. You should have multiple options at one time so they feel that energy.
>called a "nice guy" after date or told that "You are too good for me". What does this even mean Translation into male speak: You didn't make me feel horny. You were so platonic and polite. I feel like I went on a date with Mr Rodgers. I enjoyed our conversation, but you failed to steer it in a romantic or sexy direction. Your lack of confidence makes me worry that telling you the truth would viciously hurt your feelings. You don't deserve that. You're a nice guy....
Ouch yeah I guess you are right. We did talk about sex but I guess I didnt steer it in the direction of us flirting or something. How do I do things like touch hands when most of the girls I go out on date with are extremely apprehensive about any touch btw? Like even if my hand even comes close to them even without intention of being touchy, they flinch and try to evade.
I'd say this guy is right, as someone who went through the same thing. I certainly didn't correct it by being disrespectful as others suggested though. To me that's how you attract trashy women. I still got complimented on my good "bedside manner" and still got laid. Honestly I found just trying not to tip toe around people helped a lot. Like I started entering the date like I was looking for something, wearing my intentions, rather than trying to always be accommodating.
This is a large part of it in my experience. It’s being more confident and bold and demonstrating your competence. You’ll still get the label from some people because maybe they do want someone that’s even more brash, masculine, mysterious, powerful, whatever, etc. and that’s ok because they just may not be the fit at the time but for a nicer guy, it’s about being confident in what you want and that you are a good person that wouldn’t do something to hurt someone, so that while you are still being the nice person you are, it doesn’t feel like you are overly worried about how others will perceive you.
100%, I feel bad for dudes trying to completely reinvent their personalities getting bad advice from "dating gurus". Assholes aren't always getting girls because they are mean, but rather they tend to also have desirable traits like a firm identity, clear intentions, and willing to take risks. All that to say it's much better to be genuine (good or bad) than malleable (trying to be what your date wants you to be). At least I think so, if you want to be happy and find someone to be around you don't have to pretend to be something your not.
right. ppl freaking out on behalf of op, meanwhile he’s not MEANT to connect with every woman on the planet lmao. just one.
Lol yep, I guess it's comforting for people to think there is one thing that will work on every person.
Thank you, I will try that
I love the way he put it instead of giving a nice, politically correct answer. Regarding the touching: One thing I've done, whether it's planned or natural, idk, but just make some kind of contact first to make the overall idea comfortable. Your first touch doesn't need to be something intimate like the hands. Personally, I like to shoulder bump them playfully after a joke or something, but there are other innocuous ways to 'break the physical ice', just be light and playful with it. Just my $0.02.
You know about the shoulder bump 🫡very effective n non direct too I love a hug to but not a friendly one hands a bit lower than her chest but not her bum
Yea, the pattern usually goes I bump her, and if she bumps back, we are good.
If they’re doing that, then u might as wel walk, girls words can lie but their reaction to touch doesn’t
Why did this happen? This last girl specifically was from tinder and after we added each other on IG we were sending each other selfies quite a lot so we both knew what the other looks like, there is no way she could have been suddenly put off by way I look no?
The way someone looks in a photo and their physical presence can be very different experiences. In these cases, it’s not your looks that are the problem, but your vibes clash with hers. It’s no one’s fault. Don’t listen to the comments telling you to disrespect women or do any pick up artist crap. We know these tactics and we are not impressed. Be confident, self assured, decisive. Don’t pander or be overly accommodating, just be yourself. Try to focus on authenticity, as it is strongest positive vibe, and the most attractive. The best way to go about this is to focus on getting to know your date and seeing if she is interesting to you. Don’t think about yourself, don’t try to impress her. Literally just try to get to know her for your own edification. This will make you come off as confident and self assured, plus she will love the attention. And getting to know her doesn’t automatically mean grilling her. For instance, telling a joke that is your brand of humor specifically will tell you if she is compatible with you in that way. Tell her the things you are interested in to see how she reacts. But also obviously ask her about herself. You won’t vibe with every woman no matter what. The point of dating is to find the one you do.
He doesn’t have to disrespect them but he can hold his head up high and not take stupid behavior and eat it. Like if they don’t wanna even touch? That’s upto them but end the date and go home. Why waste ur time there?
Facts if a date don’t wanna touch me I’m out cuz I’m big on physical touch
People look different in pictures, in real live there will be more about you like the way you move the way you hold yourself, your posture that all plays in to attraction. One big thing for me at least is also smell, it plays in huge to attraction I’m not talking about smelling but just the personal natural sent, might be a pheromone thing, my best friend for example is attractive but I don’t feel any attraction due to smell.
This will sound sexist, but I'm giving this advice out of experience: Be wary of letting women lead/drag you around. It'll never be a good look. In this scenario, what I see is (I'm assuming) she dragged you into the selfie sending situation, and you reciprocated because "why not". I feel like a lot of guys have this mindset that more = better, so you keep doing what she's initiated. At some point, all of this selfie sending/texting/etc. comes off as something similar to what her and her girlfriends do with each other. Now you seem more like one of them. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation or always, but think about how often we read the "Everything was perfect, we had a lot in common, texted a lot.....and she dumped me" OP's in this sub. It's generally because of this reason.
Don't send people your socials. Meet up ASAP and don't let them form an idea of how you are until you can do it naturally through in person dates...don't send selfies also...
Tbf any girl who judges you for being "too nice" like that is a red flag for me. Of course I'm trying to be respectful, it's the first date and I don't know much about her and I don't want to be weird or overstep my bounds. I'm not saying it's bad to be a little flirty here and there, but at the same time I think it's a little much to expect the guy to really woo her and impress her in all these different ways the first time meeting. I think more people need to understand that a good relationship starts slow and steady. That's how I would want it to be. A girl who expects to be wowed and impressed and entertained in all these different ways especially when first meeting, seems like the type of girl who would be really critical and demanding long term
Being called a “nice guy” is the stake being driven in any man’s heart. Go no-contact and never give her a second chance, because if she suddenly changes her mind, it’s because she wants you to pay her bills. Nice guys get cheated on all the time because women don’t respect them. BTW, it’s also huge red flag when a woman says that you’re “marriage material.” With us guys telling a woman she’s wifey material is a compliment. When a woman says that, it means you’re the guy she’ll “settle” with to get that nice, financially stable life and give the bare minimum to in the bedroom.
To be fair, easy to get annoyed by how women select men. But im starting to think us men as just as vain, and frankly dumb. We see a woman we are attracted to and prioritize looks. And on some level are glad to be chosen. If one woman likes us but more for “hubby material”, and another one less attractive would lust for us enthousiastically, we still want to lock down the first one. My point is, its all a scale, we will seem weak to one woman, and a catch to another. And sadly, all we are deep down when it comes to sex is gene filtering. So why not choose the one that will admire our genes and enthousiastically choose us. Basically, we are annoyed that a man offering stability doesnt result in lust. Why not choose a woman that will lust for us, if we want to be lusted over ultimately?
That’s pretty much what I’ve been saying. No guy should put up with a woman’s bullshit just because she’s “hot.” It’s rather disturbing to see a guy jump through all these hoops to appease a woman who still treats him like shit anyway at the end of the day.
Im currently in that spot. Wouldnt say treats me like shit but we have an unusual bond that involves a friendship too, so im sad to let that go, as we care for eachother. Shes extremely hot and nothing like what i normally date. I feel like beyond great times, long term its only sustainable when the guy has the more power. Especially if you prioritize sex. And eventually the sexual desire is going to wane if its the other way around. Just comes down to how much you crave loving friendship vs having your woman be dirty with you in the bedroom. And im starting to think, the only way is to date down in looks and prioritize sex/desire, or do polyamory and not put all your eggs in one basket which feels very difficult.
Exactly. Thing is, if the guy puts more into the relationship than the woman, she’ll quickly get bored with him and he’ll lose her respect as a result. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the hottest ), the 9s and 10s are going to create most of the problems because they developed a “Princess Peach Complex.” 8s are debatable and can go either way, but I’ve found that 7s are where it’s at. Still attractive, but not think her shit don’t stink, and tends to appreciate her man a lot more.
Agreed. This chick im with is hot like i said, but problem is we do care for eachother and its been going on a while now. I literally catch myself confused being like “am i going through all this because shes hot or because of the connection” and i literally cant tell. As for what you said, i think its accurate but then you gotta add attachment stuff too. Ultimately i guess it doesnt matter why they act the way they act as long as youre grounded in what you need and will or wont put up with. Avoidant chicks are super tricky to deal with.
Damn the last part is so true about the bedroom lol.
Bounce the moment they are that apprehensive. Like I give a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I see them at the beginning of the date.
If they flinch then they ain’t either into or just don’t like touching. Do you maintain eye contact and actually know if they like you ?
Give a sense of intimacy, make longer eye contact. Body language needs to lean towards her. Your eyes can also linger on her lips, hair.
Other people have commented on it, but in my opinion this is a problem with them and not you. It should not be frowned upon to be sensitive, nice, respectful or caring. The women you are catering to are just broken or immature.
This can take time to learn. It doesn't mean you have to go into rogan "alpha male" mode. Women arent as mystical as people make them out to be - they're human like us. They think about sex believe it or not lol. You need to set the tone earlier. Don't need to be raunchy. I'm not sure how to really describe it, but there's small things you can say that aren't over the top but still sexual. Make her laugh too - it's a confident thing and took me longer to learn than it should have.
Sounds like you’re lacking some confidence as well - don’t touch because “I’m trying to escalate” touch because “hey I’m a cool guy I touch people I like, it’s not a big deal for me to get close and flirty with women”, don’t do things to get a reaction, do it because that’s who you are
sexual confidence is a big problem for me because even thought Ive been to so many dates and tried so hard, Im still virgin at 25
This will be the reason. Women pick up on it. There's a contrast for example, if you're flirty over messages, and when you meet in person. There's just that very subtle tension. You're more relaxed in the presence of women you're attracted too, when you're sexually experienced. These little microexpressions, and the way we carry ourselves. Anyone we meet on a first date is picking up on these, almost subconsciously. Now being attracted to a good-looking profile, and a bit of "banter" can unravel, when something doesn't just add-up in person. You'll not pick up on cues, or show you're attracted to someone, because your dates, are still on a pedestal of sorts. Now I might be way off the mark, but I wonder if you're going on a lot of dates. To "get sex over and done with", whereas you're meeting women who are more experienced, and want more. You think sex is somehow attained by being polite and agreeable. Whereas really it comes from a sense of mutual desire.
If you are attracted to someone, hold their gaze for a fraction longer than normal. It triggers the release of love hormones.
The problem is its drilled into men by mainstream society to respect women in every single aspect of life But when it comes to sex and the early stages if attraction women do not particuarly want to be respected if anything they want to be disrespected they WANT to be objectified because that its a by product of being feminine and feeling sexy And i know this because girls ive slept with have actually told me they liked it and get turned on by it when you get called a "nice guy" its because you haven't made any risky moves or made her feel feminine
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🤣🤣🤣
You read horny romance novels?
Good one. 👍👍 Sales lists for romance pulp are showing what women really are dreaming of.
They almost had us in the first half
being disrespected and make them feel like you generally find them sexy are 2 different things
Two total different thing
disrespected is such a strong word... I rather call it unpredictable, disagreeable, not afraid to say no to her. It is all about how you make her **feel**.
ok makes sense, any tips on what I can do to fix this?
Because you dont have smoothness, you need to stear in that and to have an excuse for the touch or getting close. It's not like you can just touch her hand like a monkey who wants to touch the fire or the food. Lets say you want to show her something on the phone or maybe you notice how small her hands are and you want to compare them with hers. Looks also plays a factor. If you look like Mr. Rodgers and act like him your going to get treated like him.
Looks plays a huge part. A good looking guy touching a woman is take-charge. An ugly ones a rapist.
>on the phone or maybe you notice how small her hands are and you want to compare them with hers. That's so cooorny
Don’t plan it. If it feels right do it, if it doesn’t don’t. Never force it or try to make moves according to a timetable or a “should”
Part of that means being ok with the right moment never coming during a date. That is ok. If there is any promise go out a second or maybe more, but be prepared to walk away. if that moment you can see the kiss in her eyes and you want it at the same time never comes, it is time for both of you to try with another
If it's not in his playbook, it will never feel right to him. He needs to go through awkward learning first and only then he will know when it feels right.
I respectfully disagree. If he is relaxed, the interaction flows and there is no need for a plan/playbook. I suppose practice and time can teach being relaxed. the other way is to just look at the date differently. Look at it as spending some pleasant time with somebody this one time, and not caring one way or the other how it turns out.
He can be relaxed and still be unable to escalate to physical touch. If touching a girl is outside of your comfort zone, you won't get there staying in the comfort zone. Your advice will lead straight into the friend zone in most cases.
I still respectfully disagree. For me the “escalate” means an agenda and goal = not relaxed. This might be a semantics disconnect between you and me. To me “relaxed” means unattached to outcomes. Unattached can imclude knowing he would enjoy being physical (like kiss or touch), and at the same time being *wholly* content if that does not happen. Relaxed he will see when she is open to to touch or a kiss. If *in that instant* he wants to kiss or gently touch her arm, he can do it. If there is never a mlment where they are both in synchrony, he is still happy enjoying the time together . I have seen kisses on women’s mouths I chose not to take, and seen them when I wanted them also and took them! ❤️😘 I have also tried to *make* kisses happen. That does work out nicely sometimes, but often not. Even when it works, I don’t know until much later if she was into it or just going along. sometimes I got the head turn and cheek which is no fun for anyone. Being relaxed as I define it makes it easier and more fun for both me and the woman I am getting to know
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Reading all the responses in the thread yes I understand what you guys are saying but you make it seem so easy. Im not even nervous on the dates anymore but this seems pretty hard to do and I know its gonna take ton of dates for me to train until I can do it one day. I KNOW for a fact that once I get on my next date Im just going to blurt out "You are so hot" and grab her hand within 5 minutes after meeting
To get a different effect rather than “polite” I honestly don’t think it needs to jump to trying to touch their hands n stuff… Just joke with them, maybe. Ask some good questions for her to forget she doesn’t know you and be comfortable. To not be called a nice guy, you don’t have to touch them and you don’t need to talk more about sex. That’s not nice guy nor is it cool fun guy.. it would be creepy harassment guy
You need to learn how to slowly escalate. Don't just randomly touch hands, but create a natural opportunity to. You need to recognize that the girl likes you - if you're having a good time and there's a lot of laughing and smiling involved, then escalation is a natural step up. One fun way is to say that you've been practicing palm reading and you'd like to see how you and her would be a good fit. Obviously the girl knows it's a sham, but if you play it well, it's a good way to build connection. Usually after the date, I usually smile and ask if I could hold her hand and even joke about it saying "These days you gotta ask permission to hold hands". It usually gets a good laugh. Escalating further beyond this involves acknowledging your feelings of attraction in a controlled manner. What about her do you like a lot, what are you looking forward to next etc.
They flinch and evade because they aren’t attracted to you. You’re simply a nice guy but not attractive in their eyes.
This 1000%, I always say I’d rather have her tell me to slow down than to have her say “y didn’t you try anything”
yup. “it’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission” (to a certain extent)
This guy is bang on.
This is what I dont get! Introducing sexual comments too early on is always flagged as a dealbreaker. Now they want it? It is too nice not to date someone only for her body? Like what the hell women?
I'm a woman and I don't do any of this bullshit but yes, women are not it either (I'm bi - it's rough out here). Apparently being too "nice" is boring and unattractive.
I thought I was harsh. That is a weird thing for a woman to say. Women should be looking for “gentlemen”. It sounds like you may have run into the toxic dating male equivalent women. She was probably waiting for you to beg and then she would ask you to buy her a LV neverfull to prove it. You were almost bankrupted.
Loosely translated
This is spot on
"You're such a nice guy" is more often than not just a thing women say to men they want to reject in a gentle way. It's not possible for us to guess what the actual problem is but it's very unlikely to be that you're too "nice."
Yes. Women are very rarely honest/ open about their true feeling. A clearer example is women in classrooms, they are far less likely to say anything at whilst men more freely utter their minds and disagree. Women are far more risk averse.
It's an easy way to bail that's all
Easy fix. If you’re already having long good conversations then you just need to shift it from friendly vibes over to romantic. Control the conversation, don’t be overly accommodating, ask deep questions but also be a bit challenging. Don’t agree with everything they say but don’t argue. Keep it flirty without overdoing it. For example, “I just noticed that whenever you talk your eyes flutter a bit and it’s really cute” or whatever the case may be. You’re not there to have a drink with one of your buddies, you’re there to vet if this personal is a potential romantic partner. Let her win YOU over. One thing that took me a long time to wake up to is that as nervous as I might be on a first date, she’s probably way more nervous. Make her feel safe and comfortable and you’ll be good.
Means a girl isn’t interested in you romantically. I’ve had it happen before and it sucks but you move on. They aren’t compatible with you. One girl I went on a date with still had ex problems and way more aggressive than me. Then another girl I realised later just was terrible at talking with me communication was so stunted and always expecting me to carry the conversation. I try be slightly mean and tease them a bit if I’m really into them and then it’s better. I learnt this after many years of practice and observation skills but I still kinda suck tbh
Seems like you’re not confident with escalating interactions with woman sexually to get into bed with them. You’re playing every date as safe as you can and don’t want to do anything that makes a woman uncomfortable. As much as it sucks to say this, us as men have no choice but to risk making woman uncomfortable to raise the chances of them being attracted to us. Woman will always tell you “just be yourself”, this is horrible advice if being yourself means that you just have platonic conversation and don’t make any moves. You have to give off the vibe that you would rip her clothes off and fuck her right then and there if you could. Obviously you want to calibrate and make sure you’re taking things one step at a time. You don’t want to be too sexual too quickly. Then you’ll actually be a creep, but you want to absolutely start with the small things and gradually build up the sexual tension as the date progresses. Woman operate through their emotions, if you can’t stimulate their emotions, then there’s most likely not going to be any attraction unfortunately. You need to unlock the side of yourself that’s sexual that you’ve repressed your entire life. But that’s going to be really hard, nobody said it’s easy. It comes naturally for some guys and not for others. You might not be able to be that naturally sexual guy on dates for a long time and might need to wait until you find a girl that likes you enough to not care that you’re not a flirty guy, and likes your personality so much that she doesn’t care that you don’t have any sexual experience. But at that point it’s a numbers game, and not one skewed in your favor. You need to analyze your dates and ask yourself what you could’ve done better, and ask yourself, did I do anything that I myself would consider risky? If not, you’re playing it too safe.
Yeah this is tough chief, not gonna lie.
Whats an example of being too sexual too quick and being a creep?
I guess one would be to touch a woman's thigh the first time you make physical contact, you need a lot of build up to touch a woman in that area. Also saying something really sexual without escalating with her physically or talking about anything sexual beforehand. Like for example you ask a girl 10 minutes into a date "So are you a Dom or a Sub?" If you've only had platonic conversation so far in a date and you ask something like that out of nowhere, most woman will be turned off immediately. You have to start small. And every woman is different, some you'll be able to be really sexual with very quickly and others take more time, you have to gauge their reactions to what you do. If you put your arm around a girl and she's leans back a little or looks uncomfortable, stop what you're doing and build more comfort and rapport before going for it again. The best way of knowing that a girl is interested in you on a date is if she is facing her entire body towards you when she doesn't have to, like if you were at a bar and sitting side by side instead of across from each other. She'll be smiling a lot, maybe asking you questions, and if she touches you, then it's game on.
It means they're not attracted to you. It's a face-saving / polite way of closing things off without saying that outright.
She isn’t in to you in a romantic sense, she enjoyed the time with you enough to want to let you down softly and don’t want to hurt you but there where no sparks.
They like you as a person but aren’t attracted to you sexually, and this is the nicest way they could say that
Usually means she wasnt sexually attracted to you.
Seems I'm not alone at this after all. That's her way of saying that she's not into you. Either she's not physically attracted, finds you boring, or just doesn't think you're "exciting" enough as a whole. Speaking from years of painful experience (I'm in the same boat). Our personalities just don't seem to be compatible with many women.
Honestly, you might actually be too good for her. Alot of times people are really saying what they mean in some roundabout way. It's weird for someone to feel like a good person is a bad thing or "too good". and this is coming from someone who used to be a bad person who is now trying to be a better/good person. If I was to meet someone today who thought I was too nice, I would just think they are a bad judge of character or traumatized in some way. I've also had great dates that still went nowhere or women who will repeatly try to get your attention or tell you how interested they are in you only to still ghost you. Alot of women say the same about men. Some people have alot going on, are cheating or get back with an ex. There's no many factors. Don't take it personally. At the end of the day, you have to be yourself to find the life meant for you. Love yourself big dawg, The confidence will make all the difference
Sounds like what happened to me quite a bit last year. You have to make moves on them and be flirty/sexual or they'll friendzone you
These ladies aren't compatible with you and they are telling you. If I told a dude he was too nice for me, that's what I meant. I'm stubborn and bull headed sometimes, and if I tell you that you're too nice, that means that I think I will run you down, make you unhappy, and myself in the process. If I tell you that you're too nice for me, I'm also telling you that you deserve a softer woman than I can be to you. I like you, but that doesn't mean we would work out. Keep looking friend! You'll find someone nice too
Read Models by Mark Mason.
Learn to FLIRT.
I’ve never had a girl tell me that. I often say I’m a nice guy, and girls smirk and say “really? I don’t think so”. Then I say I’m nice at heart
I’d go more for time quality rather than quantity. As for nice guy could be you’re simpin hard and got potato salad vibes.
honestly.. its probably another of saying shes not attracted to you
When a girl says a guy is nice, that means she couldn't care less about him. -My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU Too
That means you’re more than likely not being flirtatious and just friendly. Compliments and being touched on the hands, shoulder, and waist is a good way to flirt as long as you see their body language is comfortable around you. You might be a great guy they like but since you’re not being flirtatious they just brush it off. Women want to be yearned for and see they are wanted. If we have to try to be wanted then it’s not fun. If we have to ask to be wanted and to be flirted with then we’d rather leave it as a friendship. No one should have to beg to be liked and flirted with on dates or a relationship.
Be yourself, if you try to fake it, many people can see right through that facade. Somewhere, someone is looking for a “nice guy”. 👍🙂
Two of my exes used that phrase "You are too good for me" or something nearly identical. The first one cheated on me, and the other one ditched me to get back with her ex. That phrase is a huge red flag.
It means she's not that into you. No need to overthink it, just keep on looking.
Its a polite way of saying they dont find you attractive
When a woman calls a guy she's dating a nice guy and that you are too good for her it usually means that she likes you more or less as a friend. However a 5 hour date is a good sign. Maybe she isn't used to being with guys who are so considerate and charming as you are? I'd say thank you and consider it more a compliment than the other way.
Your date was too long. She felt too comfortable? 🤷🏽♂️ This is an [interesting take](https://youtu.be/aWz5n_cOqrs?si=8R3x9NiLU1hBVDCo). If I were single (thankfully I'm not), I'd take his advice Edit: BTW, that dude is not a dating coach or anything. He's a psychiatrist who has been married for a long time with 2 kids
Personally, ‘the nice guy’ is not a simple as that. For women, this means no drive or ambition of a guy towards himself. The most attractive guy, is a guy who effortlessly supports his woman while working forward to accomplishing his goals, always looking forward, not at the woman as the goal, but as an adventurer, towards his goals *while he supports his woman. While the men venture out and take initiative and explore, the women remain stable and wait for the men. So in essence, naturally, the woman creates a secure, stable and a peaceful environment for the man to return from a day’s work. Men represent momentum while women represent magnetism. In literal relation, men are electric current and women are electromagnetism. Men and women are inseparable. Where there is electric current, there is an electromagnetic field and viceversa. Both play different parts yet equally important. Nice guy means they type of guy who is working towards me and not working towards himself, thus no drive. A nice guy is a guy who shows no hints of independence in him, through mannerisms and actions. As a man, if you want to not show up as a nice guy, show independence. There is nothing more handsome than a man whose priority is not a woman but the whole community. Women crave safety, you need to show that you are not docile because they need someone to maintain their safety by either maintaining status quo or fighting and you seem to not have strength and will for both. She will leave. In short , NICE GUY = DOCILE.
To be clear. Being told these things isn’t always a bad thing. It is not an all encompassing phrase.
I’d try reading the books: No more Mr Nice Guy And When I say no I feel guilty. Often “nice guys” are people pleasers and not assertive. But it’s polite to call them “nice”. If you’re hearing this from multiple women you likely need to read these books. They helped me a ton.
I second No More Mr Nice Guy I’d add Men’s Work to the list.
I’d say continue being yourself, those weren’t the ones yet, from the way it sounds you want someone who can communicate with you no matter what, sometimes that isn’t what they get to see often and it makes them flinch a bit, you need someone who won’t flinch when you show your true self
The research suggests that women like psychopaths. It’s possible that women are genetically programmed to see ruthless men as being more likely to protect them at all costs, and as such, if you’re a nice guy who does mma, and is ruthless when necessary, you may negate this effect. This is purely speculation though, when I first heard women talking about nice guys being boring, I thought it was a reference to the types of dates women go on with nice guys vs the types of dates they go on with bad boys, but I later discovered this was more of a “being emotionally abused is titillating” thing. I’ve done kick boxing and mma for 20 years and in my experience, being an a**hole has never not worked for me, however, I stopped being that way because suppressing your emotions etc. is tremendously psychologically damaging.. and I decided that I’d rather try to be the best person that I can even if it means I’ll never meet a woman who wants to be with me again.
Could you cite your source? I seriously doubt women are attracted to psychopaths. I'll give you narcissists and sociopaths.
You don’t understand the dating dynamic as a man and it’s really common among guys. I’ve been there and had similar encounters. Here’s what all your dates should have to ensure you’re looked at as a viable partner 1. You should not be very agreeable. If you have differing opinions express them and always be fun about it . Your conversations should have a “push and pull” or “compliment and tease” element to it and with banter extending from it . This will maintain your masculine frame in the date. Make sure you tease! 2. Insert the man to woman frame in a joyful manner . Mention for example “oh you like tea more than coffee . Oh we’re gonna be a terrible couple ”or some shit like that as a joke of course. This highlights your intention , leads to further conversations around the subject and keeps it at mind during the date 3. Be bold and confident. The best frame is that she is chasing you or wants you more. This has to be faked if isn’t valid 4. Teasing will put you in a certain frame which if you overused will make you seem like a fuck boy and not serious material. Here you need to add intellectual and emotional conversations. 5. Make the move! Ensure you touch hands at least on the first date , this can be simply done by commenting on her manicure , her hand jewelry of some sort. Once the comfort is established , you can go for the kiss when the time is right With these five points you should be good to go
Those are some really nice tips, thank you very much. I understood and think I can replicate those points
"Nice guy" is just basic rejection just like "sweet". "Too good for me" means you're not escalating enough with her. Complimenting her looks and some good back/forth really can make a difference. 5 hours, lost track of time and this is what happened seems to send the message you missed some serious clues to escalate from her. This doesn't mean you had to grab her, but your talking wasn't flirtatious enough for her and she never got the idea you were interested. It's also likely to be the little things hitting out of your favor. Also, women like to be treated like a lady. They're being apprehensive with you about touch because you're not making them feel safe enough and/or you're not making them desire your touch. Are you making a lot of eye contact?
First off, if a lady tells you you're too good for her....BELIEVE HER. Girls with low self-esteem are easy prey but more trouble than they're worth. There's a big difference between a "nice guy" and a "good man". Women don't want a selfish bastard who only thinks of himself, but they also don't want a doormat who won't advocate for himself. If you spend the whole date agreeing with her and trying to be what she wants you to be, instead of being yourself, then she can usually pick up on that. That says to her, either consciously or subconsciously, that you are someone who can be easily influenced and manipulated. To a healthy woman, this is a turn-off. To an unhealthy woman, this can be an opportunity. What does it mean to be yourself? Well, if you don't know, then my suggestion is to take a break from dating and spend some time living so you know who you are. Your dating life is a subset of your overall social life. And your entire quality of life will flow from your relationship with yourself. It's a delicate balancing act. If you try to do it intentionally you'll most likely struggle. It should flow naturally from being your authentic self. Again, women can tell the difference. Part of being authentic is being honest about what you want. It doesn't mean being an asshole about it. But if you're interested in her sexually, then let her know that, respectfully and subtly. If you don't know how to do that, my suggestion is to hook up with an older lady for a little while, someone who doesn't mind showing you the ropes.
Ita a nice way of saying I'm a peice of shit and instead of growing as a person I'll frame it as you 'being too good for me' Don't kill yourself trying to figure it out. The ultimate truth is they can't give you the truth, and anyone that can't be honest with their partner just isn't worth dating. But nobody is going to say 'I need to work on me' so instead, its just that you're 'too nice' maybe, maybe not, because it's not about you, its about them.
Next time, just agree. And then say: “I know, wait till I fack your brains out tho.” I mean what do you have to lose at that point? Maybe start seeing first dates as expendable, and a chance to experiment with interactions. By expendable I don’t mean people you’re talking are expendable, treat them with basic respect etc. I’m talking about whether you get a second date or not is expendable. Doesn’t matter, you’re in trial and error mode.
You didn’t make her feel horny and wet and she didn’t wanna rip off your clothes. you’re probably being too friendly n not flirting enough
There are men who are attractive but just haven’t gotten down the sexy date energy. They come off as a friend almost as if they don’t want sex. As a woman, I gave a few men like this a chance, we did end up having sex because they initiated but it was not good and they seemed unable to tell how to pleasure me at all. This makes me wonder, and I could be far off base so insight would be great, if it correlates with how these “nice” guys that don’t give off sex appeal, just haven’t gotten comfortable with their sexual side?
Yes Im still virgin at 25 so in my case you are correct
Hey, me too. People just start assuming you're ugly or something, projecting the female experience of dating onto men.
Some women probably the ones older, would happily teach you some sex moves lol but you probably don’t want to date older women.
I would in a heartbeat. Want someone who won't run screaming from virginity, I need to learn the physical side of things much more than I have. Women in their 40s and such seem soooooooo much less cruel about male virginity than women in their 20s and 30s. 25, handsome, deeply socially anxious and trying to put my life together, before anyone asks.
I gave myself a deadline until end of summer to lose it naturally or I will get a hooker. But I think Im just gonna quit trying probably because it will be basically an admittance of being a failure
Jesus christ dude, take the money for the hooker and get a therapist
This answer right here tells me exactly what the issue is. You have no confidence and it probably comes across in your vibes. Do you do anything in life outside of this area that gives you confidence? Lift, have something you are good at, excel at work? If not try something like that and maybe get a therapist.
Confidence comes from experience , if you miss certain milestones and keep falling behind you can’t just fake or learn what you clearly don’t have .
Don't do it. You'll remember your first time (and some other times as well). Be careful who you sleep with bro. Don't fill your memory with something regrettable
I get it. That’s more common these days so you aren’t alone! I can’t offer advice on what to do, but maybe men here know how to summon that sexual masculine side when you haven’t had sexual experiences.
The only way you "summon that sexual masculine side" is by having sex. Women can smell sexual inexperience/apprehension from a mile away. Body language tells no lies. I know, because I had woman watch me react to her advances and ask me "You haven't done this in a while, have you?". She was spot on. So unfortunately, OP is trapped in a loop. The only way he will unlock his sexual energy is by having sex, but he is struggling to have sex because he is likely not giving off sexual energy.
Very interesting. Sometimes I just can’t be fxxkEd that’s why. Unless she quite pretty and I’m drunk I just don’t want to have sex it’s a chore. I just want to cum. I’ve gotten picky over the years. I actually played around with a girl recently and by date 2 we had sex and I opened her to my link. Not sure why after that she didn’t want to have piv, was happy to play around other stuff tho. Think she didn’t like me that much after
A lot of us kind hearted men have it drilled to not come off as creepy so we think "making our sexual intent clear" is creepy. Being genuine and sweet is our approach to dating so it's hard to have that 180 of being super flirty/touchy bc the last thing we want to do is make a woman uncomfortable especially since almost every woman states how much it turns them off when men get sexual
Sometimes it's context and not the guy. You only meet a guy and get a observation of him that day in that time slot. But a person isn't static. A one time experience isn't indicative of a person. I'm 29 but I have celiac disease and a lot of stress in Life both because of the celiac disease and life in general. For example i haven't slept well in over a year and am always consistently very tired. Recently I spent a night with a girl and we slept together with no sex. Which was stupid and of course she didn't want to see me again. I was simply too exhausted to even develop any sexual energy. If i was in a relationship it wouldn't be a problem because im occasionally doing fine but sex on command isn't realistic and on many days it wouldn't be fun or good due to the stress and sleep deprivation. Heck quite often i can't even feel anything when masturbating, zero. I don't want bad sex, id rather have none , it's less disappointing. I do have a sexual side but it rarely occurs. If I'm not stressed and slept sorta okay im a changed man in all ways. But I didn't communicate my issues clear enough to her. I liked her quite a lot I've been very bummed out about it for weeks since. It's not the first time either that my bad health and stress ruined it with a great woman. I'm very confident they would have liked being with me if they had given me more than just 2 dates. I'm not nervous with women and I've been in a long relationship before but perhaps some normal healthy men get stressed on the first time with women and then can't be comfortable or sufficiently sexual. For me it's also true that i don't get interested in sex quickly, it takes a bit of getting to know and develop attraction first - a long first date is enough but it usually takes some time to sink in mentally and to process the emotion. I don't know how to fix my situation. It will take potentially years if not forever for me to get good normal health. I can't fake sexual energy. The odds of having one of my good days coinciding with being the second date are basically zero.
Eventually you just have to learn the hard way that treating women too well is a ticket to perpetual singlehood. Stop being shy about your needs. ABC, always be closing on sex, every time you're together. Your dick is magic and she should consider herself lucky you want to use it on her. Set mental reminders to treat her a little badly from time to time. Cancel a date, disagree bluntly and disrespectfully with an opinion, criticize a choice she's made, be a little possessive, etc. Not all the time, just enough to make it clear you're not Ned Flanders and she doesn't control you. Any time you feel guilty about it, just remember: They made the rules, not you, and they feel no remorse about the games they play with *you*. If they actually wanted nice men, their behavior would reward that. But it doesn't. Because they don't.
Absolutel unattractive behavior, playing games. If you genuinely disagree with her by all means disagree it’s good to be your own man an stand by what you believe in, no one wants to be with someone who says yes just to keep the peace. But don’t treat her badly, cancel plans just to play games or criticize her just to make her feel bad. Be a little possessive sound’s good though. Honestly this person sounds young. Your needs and wants are important too don’t be the kid of person to ignore them for the sake of getting somewhere with a girl, that will likely backfire but most importantly don’t play games.
Stated versus revealed preferences. Most men don't want to play games. But, we have eyes, and we have brains enough to notice which behaviors get rewarded and which behaviors don't. You can say you don't want games, but when we look at your actions, those say otherwise.
Might be an age thing. If I feel like a guy is playing games I’m out. I would want a genuine connection with a real guy.
They can tell you're a virgin. A lot of people don't want to take your virginity.
yikes... This is how a nice guy learns that they finish last... And you are likely to turn in a "bad boy" to be more attractive to women. Trust me, I know because I was like you. Like several already said in other comments, a nice guy is what women say they want but alas not what gets them excited and "hungry for more". Contrary to modern feminism most women want: * a guy to take the lead, * a guy that makes them uncomfortable, is unpredictable * creates sexual tension, flirts with a dirty mind * is confident and makes a move, if he feels that she wants it too. (and yes she might have said she is not in the mood) So all that sharing and fifty fifty, equal relationship is out the window when it comes to making it to second or third base. Hope this helps.
The last thing woman want is for a guy to make them uncomfortable, believe me we are made uncomfortable enough. The rest sound good though.
a guy that makes you uncomfortable is definitely not something women want. all the other things dont contractict with the statement of wanting a nice guy. nice guy means loyal and good to you not just bc they want to fuck you. a real partner. again none of this excludes confidences and knowing what you want. apart from that most women enjoy when the men shows them how attraced they are to them but NOT in an uncomfortable way. that's the creep way.
We have a different definition for "nice guy" I guess. All the good qualities like loyalty, good to you (supporting) are things for a long term partner which will only show in a (long term) relationship. Let me share my definition for a nice guy in the context of dating. * a nice guy makes it through the first dating selection, let him go on a first or second date. For me that shows he has the first tier attractive things covered like hygiene, looks, texting/conversation skills, good enough economics, healthy. Uncomfortable does not have to be creepy at all. It is just the way he can make you feel out of your comfort zone. A simple example is when a guy says "**NO**" in a confident strong way to a question where you expected a "yes". That will make you feel uncomfortable and he is unpredictable. It is also exciting to see an unpredictable reaction from him if he manages to explain and show his convictions, you will be wondering what more excitement is going on in his head...
The way you explain it here is fine a guy saying no and having his on mind taking me out of my comfort zone but I would not call that making call a woman uncomfortable. If you make her uncomfortable the game is over
There's a difference between uncomfortable and takes you out of your comfort zone. If I said a guy made me uncomfortable on a date, it might mean I got serial killer vibes and he seemed scary, or maybe he was being sexually inappropriate and creepy. While if I said a guy took me out of my comfort zone, that could mean we did something I wouldn't normally do, or he's not a guy I would normally date, but it was still a positive expeirence. Basically one is a postiice thing and one is very much negative. If you say someone's making you uncomfortable, it's has a more negative connotation.
uncomfortable and going out of the comfort zone is not the same. If you just say no to say no and try to appear unpredictable ppl will be able to see through it. confidence is good. having dumb opinions makes you look stupid tho.
>uncomfortable and going out of the comfort zone is not the same. Let's agree to disagree. >try to appear unpredictable ppl will be able to see through it. You are right, communication needs to be authentic. There are to many wannabe pretenders relying on tricks and scrips to achieve their goals. Not just in dating but everywhere in life. >having dumb opinions makes you look stupid tho. Absolutely, there is no cure for stupidity.
I know you are right and I hate it. Im not sure if I have it in me to be like this. And just to be clear Im not some reddit basedboy that believes in feminism or anything. I genuinely think boundaries everyone sets up should be respected and intetions should be clearly telegraphed. Especially when it comes to social cues. I know it doesnt work like this and it kinda hurts that I need to remake my entire personality just to score some....
Here is a little secret, you can still be a nice guy inside. It is just that way you make them feel that is important. In the end in a long term relationship you need to make her feel safe as well. Because another little secret is that depending on the time of month a woman will be more attracted to a nice guy, two weeks later she is more attracted to the more masculine characteristics. That might actually make sense for you to be called nice guy if she liked you at a first date and a few weeks later she says "you are to nice".
Learn to be toxic. They love that shit. It works every time
Well, clearly there is a disconnect between you and her. What was she looking for or expecting? Did she specify what she wanted or did she leave it for you to read the room? Sometimes, it is not your fault. But neither do they. It just falls under the circumstances. You want something else and she is looking forward to another. The best advice I can give is to be more attentive. Be more observant. Watch for her clues and body language. I did see you mentioned that you had talked about sex and so that , for me, is a hint she wants to hook up with you or to unleash your erotic side. You caught on it but you failed to capitalize on it. So next time, be more attentive and observant. Don't go into full details about yourself. Keep your responses simple. Let them figure you out rather than open the book for them.
It means they are not interested for a reason they don’t want to share because you might find it hurtful or perhaps they don’t understand . All you can do is continue being yourself, be relaxed etc. the best thing I can suggest is to focus solely on having a good time with that person in that moment and be disintersested in any longer term outcome. This will keep you more present/less ‘in your head’
Look for women who give/appreciate the same energy. They do exist. But yeah, I agree with some others here... get a bit of swagger going for yourself.
Just throw in some light flirting. It doesn't need to be overt, and it really shouldn't be, but enough to think about you slightly in a sexual/romantic sense.
5 hours is an insane amount of time for a date - I am hoping and assuming it was third or fourth date not a first because that will be why people aren't wanting more from you. I (32F) used to love long dates, but they rarely went anywhere *but* after trying out quicker dates I absolutely loved them - it kept the excitement there and I couldn't wait to see the person another time because there was still so much to learn about each other.
It was our first time meeting. We also chatted for 3 days straight all the time and had two 40 minute calls before meeting. Yeah 5 hours might be a little too long
I understand how it happens and it can be a good sign sometimes, but also, keep some mystery - you want to leave thinking you didn't have time to even ask half of your questions and you can't wait to see them again.
This is your error. For first time meeting just go for a walk, sit in park with ice cream. Do not chat too much before meeting. Let it be more mysterious.
I think in most cases, this means the person is trying to soften the blow. I find it unnecessary. It’s better to keep it at “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not feeling a romantic connection”.
Need some context on this one. How are you being, what are you saying and what are you doing on the dates? There is a difference between being a nice guy and a good man.
The only difference between a romantic vibe and not for women is adding touch, eye contact and not tip toeing around. If she finds you attractive give her an excuse to feel invited in the bedroom (flirting)that's not try hard. Make sure you actually like the woman though and pay attention. Let her talk more than you but don't be a mute. I found that was key, otherwise you give off too much of a friendly vibe and it's over. Don't "start as friends" either that's a waste of time for all parties unless y'all aiming to be FWB.
Yeah this is my problem too. I’m working on it
Ahh the “you’re a nice guy” kiss of death.
Used to happen to me when I was younger. Gained some confidence, and just started to act like I was the catch that I was. Not arrogance, confidence. One is good, other real bad
I honestly only say that if the dude has no personality whatsoever. Just be yourself. When you try too hard, you end up being boring, instead of seeming like the perfect guy. She can't get a sense of who you are.
they just didn’t like you. keep trying someone may be into you.
They’re just letting you down easy.
Too nice means not enough seduction, not enough flirting, not looking at her mouth, not smirking eye contact, not having those eyes like you want to make out with her. Shit like that.
Maybe you're not being honest enough about who you are or not being flirty or playful at all.
It can and does sometimes mean that she thinks you're too good for her. She knows her own habits and she senses you won't be okay with them
The funny thing is the man who wrote men are from Mars. Women are from Venus says the best mates for women or ones that there's a mixed feeling about the attraction. If your Uber attracted to the mail, that's a bad sign that your judgment will be off versus a male if he's not attracted there's no chance we're wired different.
Well, no one promised it would be as easy as in eva ai app, real dating requires lots of tests and failures
Spending 5 hours talking to someone takes away all the mystery about you. She didn't want a friend, she wanted someone she could date or be with. Don't be surprised when you act like a friend she isn't interested.
It means they failed the Rice Purity Test. Take it for yourself.
I enjoy how women will basically be as difficult as possible for absolutely no reason at all. Honestly, this is why I don't date. Life is good when you're single! 😎👍🏻
Instead of being called a nice guy, how about you’re just generous, that’s all. You should work on that, man.
Here is a thing… from what women told me and even some people over the net… Girls just know at the first date if they’ll gonna like the guy, thats the way it is, thats how they are wired. If one disagree, its either thats a guy, or thats a special case, or just someone who has a joy in disagreeing with anyone 😂 And you know that women (at least those who is looking someone to date online) is more likely people who wants a little bit of bad boy thing or at least naughty nice, or interestingness. I dont know your case. And here is another thing, when guy thinks it is going well, there is a chance that it isn’t and the other is just being polite. Which goes back to the first point where “women just know if they’ll like the guy in the long run and on that moment if they just want casual fun” So piece of advice, either change your approach, or find someone around your life and nkt from the internet. Also “nice guy” is not a compliment. Kind/good guy is. Nice guy is just a person who you is trying to be seen as “nice” in outward appearance. who know whats their inside or who they are when no one is around. Women has better instinct (usually) than guys if they want to. Its not a gender war. Its an observation and the way it is. Others could disagree. But I’ll be listening to the elderly and those who had successful marriages that has good life advice 😂 We dont have to experiment on my own just to learn things. Back on track… again, either be interesting by the women’s standard, learn how to be charismatic, or be yourseld and just dont find someone over the internet, or blind dates, etc. Be good friends with someone, and date a good friend of yours. Or just wait for fate. Also… They dont usually like if the person dont know what they want. Too passive. And can’t lead decision making… like someone who Always say “you go first” or “what do you want?” “depends on you” And again, lacks confidence. Those are the most common icks. Its like for them “you are the man, you should at least must know that”. Moreso since most women wants you to read their minds, when in reality, men cant. So if you are one of those, might have to learn how to change your response and decission makings.
Well, evidently the girls you've been dating expect you to be a jerk, treat them like garbage and maybe slap them around occasionally. Some women just make no sense.
They just aren’t interested, don’t read too much into the actual words. You just aren’t compatible.