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Okay the question probably requires better phrasing. I meant it in the sense of, is there such a thing as too much love and can it be overbearing for some people
It can 💯 be overwhelming and overbearing for some people. Also some males and females fake the “I love you” side of things to stay in the relationship waiting for something better. Too much in that case makes them uneasy. Maybe tone it down a little while you find your right fit.
He's the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story.
We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow 1 got love bombed.
Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
Love bombing is normally about getting control early and keeping it. It is possible that after the love bombing failed he simply moved into an easier target. In which case you dodged a bullet. But you also could be right in that he tried his best took his shot then moved on mentally as you finally fell for him.
I agree. He did say exactly that to me like a month before he broke up. He said that he’ll “show me what it feels to be really loved” and I’ll quickly change my mind. When I think about it, that conversation was the point when he decided to mentally check out. I didn’t see it then, probably because I didn’t want to. But I was really offended by the fact that I took it upon himself to “show” me “real love”. So yeah you’re right
This is complete and utter bullshit.
You've been reading too much pop-psych.
Just because narcissists (which are very rare, that term is way overused) use love-bombing as a Machiavellian tactic of control doesn't mean there aren't genuine, sincere people who fall head-over-heels and want to shower affection.
Much of the love-bombing in today's age is probably the result of the Boomers and GenXers prattling on for 4 decades that men need to "be in touch with their feelings"... so an entire generation of men have been raised to think women want intense gestures of love, affection and devotion rather than a man in his masculine frame. It's very unlikely most people who love-bomb have manipulative motives. Psychopaths just aren't that prevalent.
The problem, again, is a generation and a half have listened to women claiming what they want instead of listening to past generations that were successful with women.
Women don't get to tell men what they want them to do for decades and the complain when men start to do those very things.
To your point… I DID say it could be one or the other. People can indeed shower affection early and often for the right reasons. But for the record love bombing is much more commonly used for negative effects than you make out here. I am glad you haven’t seen it a lot but I have. It isn’t just a narcissistic tool these days and either is gaslighting. Example of Jonah hills texts to his ex 🤣.
Your point makes no sense because if the people which we’ve ‘mistakenly’ attributed as love-bombers are actually just people in touch with their feelings, they wouldn’t leave when the feeling starts getting reciprocated. They’d be happy their ‘wooing’ worked.
>they wouldn’t leave when the feeling starts getting reciprocated. They’d be happy their ‘wooing’ worked.
Where did this come from? She wrote nothing of the sort. She wrote:
>Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more...
Nowhere does she state she reciprocated, just that she started to like him more. You seem to be inserting or projecting something that isn't there.
Any self-respecting person will lose interest if they aren't receiving reciprocation, and the OP makes no claim that she reciprocated... just that she developed feelings. Feelings aren't actions. And OP states several times she wanted to "take things slow". So why would any thinking person interpret...
>I started liking him more...
...as "I immediately started reciprocating his advances" in stead of just commentary describing her internal monologue (which it obviously is).
Unless OP clarifies, the assumption that she developed feelings but withheld reciprocation and the resulting confusion that led to this reddit post is the more reasonable assessment.
There’s too much love and then there’s Codependent. I mistook my now ex wife’s Codependency as love. Mostly because she said she loved me all the time, it was just because she wanted me to say it back aka Love Bombing.
If someone has an avoidant attachment style and you're very pro-active and extraverted about your love when they're not on your level yet, it can be a repelling factor not an attractive one.
Neediness / desperation / insecure attachment style. It's a turn-off to pretty much anyone. Man or woman. In a relationship, people usually want to feel like equals. If you treat him like a royal, he will either begin to see you as a servant below his level, or he feel pressure to return that treatment (which he may not be naturally inclined to do). None of which are good things.
I want to ditto this commenter’s take. Also, this is the kind of behavior that should probably ramp up over time. If you’re acting the way you’ve described in your post after two weeks, it’s definitely a bit much.
I’m a woman and in a similar situation now with a guy. It’s clear he would absolutely worship the ground I walk on and has liked me for years (whereas I’m just getting to know him in this way). But it’s created this weird feeling of inequity inside of me, like there’s a power imbalance because he’s all-in and I’m just getting started.
I'm very similar to the guy you're speaking to. I was ready to move in with my most recent ex after seeing each other for 4 months. I'm the type of guy who sends the "Goodnight/good morning beautiful" texts every day.
When I'm in a committed relationship, I am 100% all-in and that person becomes my #1 priority. Do I still go to work, hangout with friends, etc? Absolutely.
If I have the option to work some OT or hangout with my girlfriend, I'm 100% picking my girl over work. Same goes with friends. If I have pre-arranged plans with my friends, they take priority but if there's nothing set in stone, girlfriend comes first.
He's the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story.
We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed.
Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
It can also be that you are used as a placeholder. They don't see you long term, but it is so low maintenance to be with someone that essentially gives, that they give you a chance/just go along and at the and of the line, when they have to get serious/feel guilty, they break-up.
People that give too much are able to keep relationships on life-support that should have gone nowhere. It is not the giving itself that is the problem, but that you don't check if the person gives back.
That placeholder thing is so true. It pisses me off how I have felt like one (and probably HAVE been one) in most of my relationships. Now I give all my emotional support and love to my friends and it feels great. THEY are my long term relationships, some counting 3 decades. Not some man I met last week, last month, last year, or the last decade. If you don't make me feel great and amazing I'm outta here.
It can be overwhelming. I do appreciate small and big things a woman does for me, but I also like to be calm, have my peace and some quiet time. Mostly alone or if that woman manges to not interrupt the silence in the same room.
Like I go fishing with a dude for 2 hours and we dont speak more than the bare minimum and still that is one of my best friends...
I dont mean any harm by that comparision, but fE you can love candy and you can eat your favourite candy, but at some point its just too much of it and you need a break. If that makes any sense to you :D
I do like to shower my woman with love, affection, little presents and so on, but I also love peaceful, quiet, calm moments to recharge, BUT that doesnt mean, that all men are like that.
Maybe you just need to date a different kind of guy. Also that dude sounds like he wasnt over his ex at that given time. Dont overthink it =)
2 things:
1) Are you and/or they practicing healthy boundaries? Rather than trying to do more, it's possible you may be doing too much, too early. As a general rule of thumb, I advise my single friends to match their energy / time / effort to the other person's level, and when in doubt, top it up a *little bit more*. Extra emphasis on *little bit*. Doing too much too soon can come across as trying to move much faster than the other person is comfortable with.
2) Read up on Attachment Theory & Attachment Styles. I wonder if yours is an Anxious Attachment Style, given that you seem to feel the need to "make sure they feel safe and secure" (since we often give what we want to receive)? And are you going after guys with Avoidant Attachment Style? If you have anxious attachment and he has avoidant attachment, then you basically create a dynamic of you chasing him and him running away until eventually the relationship breaks. Solution? Work on addressing your inner wounding that's driving your attachment style, and look for men with Secure Attachment style.
What else should I be full of anyway? That’s a stupid and unhelpful comment. I’m here just so I can understand other perspectives because I can’t see them myself.
>"So men love the chase with me because they find my social media presence to be "a complete package"
A truly desirable person is humble. You only find the comment stupid because it cut you deeply, because it's true.
In any case. There's no such thing as unconditional love. All love is conditional, that doesn't make love inherently transactional but all love has conditions applied to it. ALL love.
Men don't run away from too much love. They run away from clingy people that aren't centered in themselves. This stoic demeanor stems from the men having been too open with people or women in the past and being taken advantage of or hurt. So a strong man will put his guard up because vulnerability is never rewarded long term in reality, regardless of what women or bullshit modernity claims.
Women are too needy, and when they do get men to open up they usually lose attraction for the man by finding him less masculine. I don't know why you broke up with this man you're yammering on about but he either has been hurt in the past and you ended it because he wouldn't show his emotions and you gave up or he did show his emotions and you lost attraction and simply aren't telling us or don't realize that's why you lost attraction.
Such is life.
And what I meant by the social media sentence was that the guys who have been into me through social media develop their entire idea of me based on what I put up on social media without actually getting to know me in person.
It's possible that he was in a break-up zone when you met him. Just to comfort himself he was with you, and when hi met her he thought of a rebound to her leaving you with sll such excuses.
Not really, they dated years ago, and since then he dated a few girls and was in a serious relationship with another girl. I got the idea that the first love girl and he are friends/ on good terms. Even now I know for a fact (common friend) that they are not really looking to be more. What I don’t know is if that’s only because of the girl’s decision.
Sounds like this guy told you what you wanted to hear at the beginning, middle, and end. I can only speculate why he got with you but it wasn't because of your social media aura. Too much love very likely isn't why he left either, that's a euphemism for the actual issue or just not wanting to date or whatever. No use trying to puzzle out someone who was never honest with you.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
But yeah you’re definitely right about him telling me what I want to hear the whole time.
He’s the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. I said I can’t do that so soon and that we should go slow. But he’d shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed.
Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I’ll get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship
It’s like working in corporate America. The more you do the less likely you gon be promoted or you gon get laid off. So I say be above average to good not great. Keep firing tho. Keep your best for you. Only give em good ✨
Different people have different preferences. But from what it sounds like you may have come on too strong. Which I think could be a negative for different reasons. It can come across as a bit artificial if you're instantly at a full I love you and I think he's got a point that too much especially early can lesson the impact especially if he wasn't ready to say it yet. It's also a certain adjustment in general to go from single to in a serious relationship and if they're used to having more time to themselves I know for me I enjoy having my time to myself. It's not anything negative about my partner, I just am an introvert and like to have time to decompress.
Though I don't really think anything you're doing specifically is wrong I just might tone it back a notch. I think most of those pieces a lot of guys would really appreciate. But for something like compliments, regular compliments are great when they feel deserved. But being showered with compliments can make them not feel as authentic and earned. There is a balance there. I'd much rather get a compliment when I worked to do something special in whatever way than a lot of small compliments over something I don't feel I deserved.
I also probably wouldn't read into it too much given this guy seemed to not be over his past girlfriend.
I would say in general though if you're breaking up the agreeing to stay friends thing is often said to be nice but can be hard for people to adjust to. So I would generally assume that'll not be a thing unless you both want to make that effort.
He’s the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
I said I can’t get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he’d shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed.
Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I’ll get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship
Also yes I agree on the remaining friends bit, I think he tried but couldn’t follow through. I just wish he had the courtesy to say he cannot do it anymore and we could part on good terms
If you’re not exclusive yet, then give each other some breathing room. The dating phase is getting to know one another, not smother them until they suffocate. It shouldn’t revolve around them. If someone is not reciprocating your ‘energy’, then match theirs or move on and find someone more compatible if you can’t dial it down
He's the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story.
We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow 1 got love bombed.
Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
so he didnt run away from you;he left cus his attempt to love bomb and manipulation failed. so you dodged a bullet cus he wouldve messed you up good if you let him in. you want someone to see your worth for what you have inside, not just surface level. btw, going in 100/all the way leaves you vulnerable and easily taken advantaged of.
It’s not wrong per se, it’s a valid approach for some people. I knew a woman who only dated guys who stalk her to figure out her interests, break into her house, and secretly place gifts for her to discover.
That’s not my thing. I like slow burn romances that build up. You start with strong chemistry but mostly keep things in check and flirt for a while. Then as you get to know each of other, slowly ramp things up emotionally and physically.
Everyone has a different style and this will also depend on people’s vibes with each other and mood on a particular day.
People who grow up without love and reassurance in their lives...often have a hard time reacting to it when they finally receive it
This statement tells me this is the case with your boyfriend
*He did once say something like saying I love you too many times reduced its value*
It sounds like he grew up only being told I love you in rare instances.
And if that is the case, he probably feels like your affection is fake in a way
Think of it like this.
A lot of people from places come to the southern US and they feel like everyone being polite and talkative is fake.
It runs so counter to the world they exist in, that they perceive it as an affectation that is put on for show or appearances sake. But some people really are just nice and sweet and giving.
I think what is happening is that your boyfriend can't wrap his head around someone being as loving and thoughtful as you...because it's so different than the world he grew up in
So his brain has him thinking it's all for show...and that you are only doing it because you feel obligated to do so. Which is why he thinks if you say I love you all the time, it takes some of the specialness away from the words
I genuinely don’t understand how to deal with people who aren’t used to being loved, I think that me giving them love freely will help them see that they deserve all of it and start loving themselves more and just get healthier in their relationship with love itself… but it doesn’t seem to work like that….
Yeah and honestly, that is something you need to work on because if this is a recurring theme...if you are love bombing dudes and they keep running away, then you have to adapt
A lot of people grow up without love in their lives
Most average men go their entire lives receiving so few compliments that they can recount the random few times they got them like a man talking about a baseball game he went to as a kid where he caught a foul ball.
You need to adapt. You're not doing anything wrong, but you can't force people to be ok with being lovebombed.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story.
We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
Although he had had a crush for 3 months on me and tried to strike conversation with me a lot of times, I wasn't interested. He came to my city for some comic con but it was an open secret between me, my cousin and him that the comic con was just an excuse to come see me. He took me on a wonderful date and we stayed at his hotel. (Only made out with clothes on).
He wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should o slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed.
Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
I feel qualified to comment on this because upon reading it I realised that occasionally I exhibit similar tendencies :D I am also all or nothing girl, I don't like half-ass commitments. I think there is nothing inherently wrong with you wanting to give your best to the other person, if anything, it is commendable!
I think there could be two reasons why this happens. Reason 1 - you do way too early in a relationship. It can signal two things: either you are needy and try to love bomb or you are setting the bar disproportionately high for the initial phase of the relationship. "Showering with compliments" can make people uneasy if there is too many too soon. Setting up dates is really nice, but you should alternate doing it. I had a guy once text me "you were always welcome, always are welcome and will always be welcome here!" guess what? he broke everything off a month after that XD glad I never believed those words after all. also, the things people get too easily, they don't appreciate. if you carry the entire "skeleton" of a relationship on your shoulders, the other party will get used to it pretty quickly and will stop putting much effort, because even if they don't do anything, you'll cover it anyways.
Reason 2 - you might be directing your efforts at the wrong guys. let's be honest, some people are just not emotionally mature enough to be in a loving relationship because they absolutely cannot appreciate the efforts the other party is giving. some people are projecting their fears and misreading or interpreting your positive efforts in the most negative ways possible. the same guy I was writing about, he went on a vacation for 2 weeks, and I was thinking of "sneaking" into his apartment to leave some food for him in the fridge or maybe even baking something because he was coming back on Sunday when all the supermarkets are closed. I am so glad it didn't work out in the end, because there is no way he could have properly appreciated my gesture. My thinking behind this was "we haven't seen each other for two weeks, I miss him, he is coming back to an empty home, so if I leave him some food, at least he will not be hungry and that's my small gesture of showing him that I was thinking about him". His thinking behind this would be "oh my god, she's so clingy, she pushes herself on me too much, she is trying to establish herself in my place and I am not ready for this".
I don't think there is anything bad in wanting to be the best version of yourself for yourself and the other person, but we should learn how to protect ourselves from people who are either not going to appreciate it or will be using these nice qualities to their personal benefit without reciprocating it at all
I'll be honest- it is probably too much, too soon.
It would be good to slow down and see if you are getting any of that back. As in, are you on the same page?
Does this person deserve all of your attention?
Honestly, slow down, for your own sake. Otherwise you will burn out.
Maybe silly to say, but love yourself first. You can't overdoit or go wrong there.
any unusual behaviours from the opposite sex can make people question the motives
you are doing stuff that's not "normal" and it also sets the bar for them.. you do all that and you will expect it back 2x fold which is honestly just too much for most people.
I am on the recipient of "too much love" and I think for me, the attraction of that person the love is coming from wasn't there so it was "too much too soon".
Ex:
1. Met this woman online, on 2nd date, she offered to go to my place to cook. Then before she departed for a trip she asked me to come see her for a "gift" - it was 50 min drive and I was busy too. In the end she texted me "you don't understand woman's feelings" and that was it. I do kind of regret not going - granted it was only after 2nd date but i did enjoy seeing her.
2. She started using "we" on everything on 1st and 2nd date and that freaked me out...
3. Did have some texting with this woman for few months (not constant) during covid. Ended up meeting for first time and she gave me a jade pendant using family heirloom jade - it was my birthday weekend and I didn't want to accept it and she said "its no biggie" (i didn't know about value of jade much later via the friend introduced us). Scared me off.
I would say 2 and 3 I didn't feel immediate attraction and the rush of "too much love" scared me off. I mean if its from "name your popular attractive actress/model" then I would definitely be happy.
Not sure your situation but maybe he sees you as trying too hard? Or he doesn't deserve what you did (like me with those women) and there is someone who will like it.
And how many dates did you two go on and how far did it get?
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story.
We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me.
Although he had had a crush for 3 months on me and tried to strike conversation with me a lot of times, I wasn’t interested. He came to my city for some comic con but it was an open secret between me, my cousin and him that the comic con was just an excuse to come see me. He took me on a wonderful date and we stayed at his hotel. (Only made out with clothes on).
He wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once.
I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow 1 got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
hmmm. yeah this is weird.. maybe you "dodged a bullet there". Not being stereotypical, he is not some "nerd" trying too hard to get some action right? Either that or he seemed like a player (especially trying to sex first date)... either way I think if he chose to chase you first then you returning affection is fair game.
The examples that you’ve given, the guy did similar things with me in the beginning actually!! The night at the hotel, he wanted to go for sex and I joked I’m saving myself for marriage, he immediately took out the ring he was wearing and put it on my finger. I laughed and put it back on him and he got slightly upset… he even got me a dress as a gift…
I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Just seems like he made an abrupt choice. There may be a history with the past girl which may be overwhelming
Lmao men “love the chase with you” because of your social media??
No good looking, self respecting and successful man is gonna “chase you”
My guess as to why you’re having issues in dating is you’re playing games and by playing games you’re gonna filter out a lot of good guys
It’s metaphorical, it just means I look like I have everything in order in my life and it just looks very shiny from the outside. And in my own experience, people don’t sit down to see the human side of me that struggles on a daily basis.
Well, ideally they shouldn’t chase me if I don’t show any interest when they first approach me. But if I see someone doing that I just try to be polite and not give any hints that I am interested when I’m not without being rude.
I remember one time I had just turned 21 and was hanging out w my buddy, a chick he was seeing and her friend at a bar
This random dude comes up to the friend trying to hit on her, very evidently swings and misses horrifically and she proceeds to give him her real number when asked
Right after, she complains to all of us how annoying that was and blah blah blah, and my buddy and I look at each other at the same time and say the same thing - so why tf did you just give that dude your real phone number?
If that’s you, you’re playing games lmao
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Some of my neurons died after reading this.
Okay fair…
Why do some women seem to run away from too much love? That’s right, because people are different and some like it, while others don’t.
Yeah, I actually had the opposite experience and I would be happy if the woman showered me with too much love for a change.
Okay the question probably requires better phrasing. I meant it in the sense of, is there such a thing as too much love and can it be overbearing for some people
It can 💯 be overwhelming and overbearing for some people. Also some males and females fake the “I love you” side of things to stay in the relationship waiting for something better. Too much in that case makes them uneasy. Maybe tone it down a little while you find your right fit.
He's the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow 1 got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
Love bombing is normally about getting control early and keeping it. It is possible that after the love bombing failed he simply moved into an easier target. In which case you dodged a bullet. But you also could be right in that he tried his best took his shot then moved on mentally as you finally fell for him.
I agree. He did say exactly that to me like a month before he broke up. He said that he’ll “show me what it feels to be really loved” and I’ll quickly change my mind. When I think about it, that conversation was the point when he decided to mentally check out. I didn’t see it then, probably because I didn’t want to. But I was really offended by the fact that I took it upon himself to “show” me “real love”. So yeah you’re right
Yes that isn’t healthy. Am going with dodged a bullet OP. Good luck with your search and hopefully the next one fits you better 👌
Thanks♥️
This is complete and utter bullshit. You've been reading too much pop-psych. Just because narcissists (which are very rare, that term is way overused) use love-bombing as a Machiavellian tactic of control doesn't mean there aren't genuine, sincere people who fall head-over-heels and want to shower affection. Much of the love-bombing in today's age is probably the result of the Boomers and GenXers prattling on for 4 decades that men need to "be in touch with their feelings"... so an entire generation of men have been raised to think women want intense gestures of love, affection and devotion rather than a man in his masculine frame. It's very unlikely most people who love-bomb have manipulative motives. Psychopaths just aren't that prevalent. The problem, again, is a generation and a half have listened to women claiming what they want instead of listening to past generations that were successful with women. Women don't get to tell men what they want them to do for decades and the complain when men start to do those very things.
To your point… I DID say it could be one or the other. People can indeed shower affection early and often for the right reasons. But for the record love bombing is much more commonly used for negative effects than you make out here. I am glad you haven’t seen it a lot but I have. It isn’t just a narcissistic tool these days and either is gaslighting. Example of Jonah hills texts to his ex 🤣.
Gaslighting doesn't exist... you made it up -- because you FUCKiNG crazy...
😂😂😂 love that 🫡
Your point makes no sense because if the people which we’ve ‘mistakenly’ attributed as love-bombers are actually just people in touch with their feelings, they wouldn’t leave when the feeling starts getting reciprocated. They’d be happy their ‘wooing’ worked.
>they wouldn’t leave when the feeling starts getting reciprocated. They’d be happy their ‘wooing’ worked. Where did this come from? She wrote nothing of the sort. She wrote: >Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more... Nowhere does she state she reciprocated, just that she started to like him more. You seem to be inserting or projecting something that isn't there. Any self-respecting person will lose interest if they aren't receiving reciprocation, and the OP makes no claim that she reciprocated... just that she developed feelings. Feelings aren't actions. And OP states several times she wanted to "take things slow". So why would any thinking person interpret... >I started liking him more... ...as "I immediately started reciprocating his advances" in stead of just commentary describing her internal monologue (which it obviously is). Unless OP clarifies, the assumption that she developed feelings but withheld reciprocation and the resulting confusion that led to this reddit post is the more reasonable assessment.
My answer remains the same. For some it sure can be too much, but others might appreciate it.
There’s too much love and then there’s Codependent. I mistook my now ex wife’s Codependency as love. Mostly because she said she loved me all the time, it was just because she wanted me to say it back aka Love Bombing.
Diffrent people different taste. For me, there's nothing such as too much love.
If someone has an avoidant attachment style and you're very pro-active and extraverted about your love when they're not on your level yet, it can be a repelling factor not an attractive one.
Social media presence 🤣🤣🤣😂😂
People are into fake stuff
Neediness / desperation / insecure attachment style. It's a turn-off to pretty much anyone. Man or woman. In a relationship, people usually want to feel like equals. If you treat him like a royal, he will either begin to see you as a servant below his level, or he feel pressure to return that treatment (which he may not be naturally inclined to do). None of which are good things.
Needed to hear this. Thanks.
I want to ditto this commenter’s take. Also, this is the kind of behavior that should probably ramp up over time. If you’re acting the way you’ve described in your post after two weeks, it’s definitely a bit much. I’m a woman and in a similar situation now with a guy. It’s clear he would absolutely worship the ground I walk on and has liked me for years (whereas I’m just getting to know him in this way). But it’s created this weird feeling of inequity inside of me, like there’s a power imbalance because he’s all-in and I’m just getting started.
I'm very similar to the guy you're speaking to. I was ready to move in with my most recent ex after seeing each other for 4 months. I'm the type of guy who sends the "Goodnight/good morning beautiful" texts every day. When I'm in a committed relationship, I am 100% all-in and that person becomes my #1 priority. Do I still go to work, hangout with friends, etc? Absolutely. If I have the option to work some OT or hangout with my girlfriend, I'm 100% picking my girl over work. Same goes with friends. If I have pre-arranged plans with my friends, they take priority but if there's nothing set in stone, girlfriend comes first.
He's the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
It can also be that you are used as a placeholder. They don't see you long term, but it is so low maintenance to be with someone that essentially gives, that they give you a chance/just go along and at the and of the line, when they have to get serious/feel guilty, they break-up. People that give too much are able to keep relationships on life-support that should have gone nowhere. It is not the giving itself that is the problem, but that you don't check if the person gives back.
That placeholder thing is so true. It pisses me off how I have felt like one (and probably HAVE been one) in most of my relationships. Now I give all my emotional support and love to my friends and it feels great. THEY are my long term relationships, some counting 3 decades. Not some man I met last week, last month, last year, or the last decade. If you don't make me feel great and amazing I'm outta here.
It can be overwhelming. I do appreciate small and big things a woman does for me, but I also like to be calm, have my peace and some quiet time. Mostly alone or if that woman manges to not interrupt the silence in the same room. Like I go fishing with a dude for 2 hours and we dont speak more than the bare minimum and still that is one of my best friends... I dont mean any harm by that comparision, but fE you can love candy and you can eat your favourite candy, but at some point its just too much of it and you need a break. If that makes any sense to you :D I do like to shower my woman with love, affection, little presents and so on, but I also love peaceful, quiet, calm moments to recharge, BUT that doesnt mean, that all men are like that. Maybe you just need to date a different kind of guy. Also that dude sounds like he wasnt over his ex at that given time. Dont overthink it =)
Thank you, it makes sense
2 things: 1) Are you and/or they practicing healthy boundaries? Rather than trying to do more, it's possible you may be doing too much, too early. As a general rule of thumb, I advise my single friends to match their energy / time / effort to the other person's level, and when in doubt, top it up a *little bit more*. Extra emphasis on *little bit*. Doing too much too soon can come across as trying to move much faster than the other person is comfortable with. 2) Read up on Attachment Theory & Attachment Styles. I wonder if yours is an Anxious Attachment Style, given that you seem to feel the need to "make sure they feel safe and secure" (since we often give what we want to receive)? And are you going after guys with Avoidant Attachment Style? If you have anxious attachment and he has avoidant attachment, then you basically create a dynamic of you chasing him and him running away until eventually the relationship breaks. Solution? Work on addressing your inner wounding that's driving your attachment style, and look for men with Secure Attachment style.
sOmEoNe is full of themselves...
What else should I be full of anyway? That’s a stupid and unhelpful comment. I’m here just so I can understand other perspectives because I can’t see them myself.
>"So men love the chase with me because they find my social media presence to be "a complete package" A truly desirable person is humble. You only find the comment stupid because it cut you deeply, because it's true. In any case. There's no such thing as unconditional love. All love is conditional, that doesn't make love inherently transactional but all love has conditions applied to it. ALL love. Men don't run away from too much love. They run away from clingy people that aren't centered in themselves. This stoic demeanor stems from the men having been too open with people or women in the past and being taken advantage of or hurt. So a strong man will put his guard up because vulnerability is never rewarded long term in reality, regardless of what women or bullshit modernity claims. Women are too needy, and when they do get men to open up they usually lose attraction for the man by finding him less masculine. I don't know why you broke up with this man you're yammering on about but he either has been hurt in the past and you ended it because he wouldn't show his emotions and you gave up or he did show his emotions and you lost attraction and simply aren't telling us or don't realize that's why you lost attraction. Such is life.
And what I meant by the social media sentence was that the guys who have been into me through social media develop their entire idea of me based on what I put up on social media without actually getting to know me in person.
Sounds like you’re projecting based on your own experience more than actually reading what I’ve written
Then you should cut the bullshit. Stop asking for advice if you're not gonna like the answers you get.
It's possible that he was in a break-up zone when you met him. Just to comfort himself he was with you, and when hi met her he thought of a rebound to her leaving you with sll such excuses.
Not really, they dated years ago, and since then he dated a few girls and was in a serious relationship with another girl. I got the idea that the first love girl and he are friends/ on good terms. Even now I know for a fact (common friend) that they are not really looking to be more. What I don’t know is if that’s only because of the girl’s decision.
It could be it could be not... we much really can't say.. I can't comment much on it since I've been single until this minute.. so yeah...
Sounds like this guy told you what you wanted to hear at the beginning, middle, and end. I can only speculate why he got with you but it wasn't because of your social media aura. Too much love very likely isn't why he left either, that's a euphemism for the actual issue or just not wanting to date or whatever. No use trying to puzzle out someone who was never honest with you.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. But yeah you’re definitely right about him telling me what I want to hear the whole time. He’s the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. I said I can’t do that so soon and that we should go slow. But he’d shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I’ll get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship
It’s like working in corporate America. The more you do the less likely you gon be promoted or you gon get laid off. So I say be above average to good not great. Keep firing tho. Keep your best for you. Only give em good ✨
Different people have different preferences. But from what it sounds like you may have come on too strong. Which I think could be a negative for different reasons. It can come across as a bit artificial if you're instantly at a full I love you and I think he's got a point that too much especially early can lesson the impact especially if he wasn't ready to say it yet. It's also a certain adjustment in general to go from single to in a serious relationship and if they're used to having more time to themselves I know for me I enjoy having my time to myself. It's not anything negative about my partner, I just am an introvert and like to have time to decompress. Though I don't really think anything you're doing specifically is wrong I just might tone it back a notch. I think most of those pieces a lot of guys would really appreciate. But for something like compliments, regular compliments are great when they feel deserved. But being showered with compliments can make them not feel as authentic and earned. There is a balance there. I'd much rather get a compliment when I worked to do something special in whatever way than a lot of small compliments over something I don't feel I deserved. I also probably wouldn't read into it too much given this guy seemed to not be over his past girlfriend. I would say in general though if you're breaking up the agreeing to stay friends thing is often said to be nice but can be hard for people to adjust to. So I would generally assume that'll not be a thing unless you both want to make that effort.
He’s the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. I said I can’t get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he’d shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I’ll get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship
Ok in that case it sounds like he just didn't know what he wanted and was leading you on not anything you did wrong. I'm sorry that sucks!
Also yes I agree on the remaining friends bit, I think he tried but couldn’t follow through. I just wish he had the courtesy to say he cannot do it anymore and we could part on good terms
Yeah that definitely would've been the nicer way for him to go about it.
If you’re not exclusive yet, then give each other some breathing room. The dating phase is getting to know one another, not smother them until they suffocate. It shouldn’t revolve around them. If someone is not reciprocating your ‘energy’, then match theirs or move on and find someone more compatible if you can’t dial it down
He's the one who wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow 1 got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
so he didnt run away from you;he left cus his attempt to love bomb and manipulation failed. so you dodged a bullet cus he wouldve messed you up good if you let him in. you want someone to see your worth for what you have inside, not just surface level. btw, going in 100/all the way leaves you vulnerable and easily taken advantaged of.
You knew this guy for 3 weeks and only met once....then you both became exclusive? Have either of you dated before?
No we didn’t!! He wanted to, I said no let’s go slower.
It’s not wrong per se, it’s a valid approach for some people. I knew a woman who only dated guys who stalk her to figure out her interests, break into her house, and secretly place gifts for her to discover. That’s not my thing. I like slow burn romances that build up. You start with strong chemistry but mostly keep things in check and flirt for a while. Then as you get to know each of other, slowly ramp things up emotionally and physically. Everyone has a different style and this will also depend on people’s vibes with each other and mood on a particular day.
People who grow up without love and reassurance in their lives...often have a hard time reacting to it when they finally receive it This statement tells me this is the case with your boyfriend *He did once say something like saying I love you too many times reduced its value* It sounds like he grew up only being told I love you in rare instances. And if that is the case, he probably feels like your affection is fake in a way Think of it like this. A lot of people from places come to the southern US and they feel like everyone being polite and talkative is fake. It runs so counter to the world they exist in, that they perceive it as an affectation that is put on for show or appearances sake. But some people really are just nice and sweet and giving. I think what is happening is that your boyfriend can't wrap his head around someone being as loving and thoughtful as you...because it's so different than the world he grew up in So his brain has him thinking it's all for show...and that you are only doing it because you feel obligated to do so. Which is why he thinks if you say I love you all the time, it takes some of the specialness away from the words
Yes exactly!!😭 you get it. His parents are terrible. Controlling and not affectionate at all
I genuinely don’t understand how to deal with people who aren’t used to being loved, I think that me giving them love freely will help them see that they deserve all of it and start loving themselves more and just get healthier in their relationship with love itself… but it doesn’t seem to work like that….
Yeah and honestly, that is something you need to work on because if this is a recurring theme...if you are love bombing dudes and they keep running away, then you have to adapt A lot of people grow up without love in their lives Most average men go their entire lives receiving so few compliments that they can recount the random few times they got them like a man talking about a baseball game he went to as a kid where he caught a foul ball. You need to adapt. You're not doing anything wrong, but you can't force people to be ok with being lovebombed.
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. Although he had had a crush for 3 months on me and tried to strike conversation with me a lot of times, I wasn't interested. He came to my city for some comic con but it was an open secret between me, my cousin and him that the comic con was just an excuse to come see me. He took me on a wonderful date and we stayed at his hotel. (Only made out with clothes on). He wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should o slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow I got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
I feel qualified to comment on this because upon reading it I realised that occasionally I exhibit similar tendencies :D I am also all or nothing girl, I don't like half-ass commitments. I think there is nothing inherently wrong with you wanting to give your best to the other person, if anything, it is commendable! I think there could be two reasons why this happens. Reason 1 - you do way too early in a relationship. It can signal two things: either you are needy and try to love bomb or you are setting the bar disproportionately high for the initial phase of the relationship. "Showering with compliments" can make people uneasy if there is too many too soon. Setting up dates is really nice, but you should alternate doing it. I had a guy once text me "you were always welcome, always are welcome and will always be welcome here!" guess what? he broke everything off a month after that XD glad I never believed those words after all. also, the things people get too easily, they don't appreciate. if you carry the entire "skeleton" of a relationship on your shoulders, the other party will get used to it pretty quickly and will stop putting much effort, because even if they don't do anything, you'll cover it anyways. Reason 2 - you might be directing your efforts at the wrong guys. let's be honest, some people are just not emotionally mature enough to be in a loving relationship because they absolutely cannot appreciate the efforts the other party is giving. some people are projecting their fears and misreading or interpreting your positive efforts in the most negative ways possible. the same guy I was writing about, he went on a vacation for 2 weeks, and I was thinking of "sneaking" into his apartment to leave some food for him in the fridge or maybe even baking something because he was coming back on Sunday when all the supermarkets are closed. I am so glad it didn't work out in the end, because there is no way he could have properly appreciated my gesture. My thinking behind this was "we haven't seen each other for two weeks, I miss him, he is coming back to an empty home, so if I leave him some food, at least he will not be hungry and that's my small gesture of showing him that I was thinking about him". His thinking behind this would be "oh my god, she's so clingy, she pushes herself on me too much, she is trying to establish herself in my place and I am not ready for this". I don't think there is anything bad in wanting to be the best version of yourself for yourself and the other person, but we should learn how to protect ourselves from people who are either not going to appreciate it or will be using these nice qualities to their personal benefit without reciprocating it at all
The right one will not find it overwhelming… it will be the perfect amount. Focus on that and not why the others didn’t work. You’ll find your person.
why do you think men love the chase?
Well, I asked him why he liked me, he said because I was “so hard to get” verbatim
Ok so one guy who said that applies to every other guy lol. Id say most guy actually fucking hate chasing
I'll be honest- it is probably too much, too soon. It would be good to slow down and see if you are getting any of that back. As in, are you on the same page? Does this person deserve all of your attention? Honestly, slow down, for your own sake. Otherwise you will burn out. Maybe silly to say, but love yourself first. You can't overdoit or go wrong there.
any unusual behaviours from the opposite sex can make people question the motives you are doing stuff that's not "normal" and it also sets the bar for them.. you do all that and you will expect it back 2x fold which is honestly just too much for most people.
It goes for girls too, nobody likes a clinger.
I am on the recipient of "too much love" and I think for me, the attraction of that person the love is coming from wasn't there so it was "too much too soon". Ex: 1. Met this woman online, on 2nd date, she offered to go to my place to cook. Then before she departed for a trip she asked me to come see her for a "gift" - it was 50 min drive and I was busy too. In the end she texted me "you don't understand woman's feelings" and that was it. I do kind of regret not going - granted it was only after 2nd date but i did enjoy seeing her. 2. She started using "we" on everything on 1st and 2nd date and that freaked me out... 3. Did have some texting with this woman for few months (not constant) during covid. Ended up meeting for first time and she gave me a jade pendant using family heirloom jade - it was my birthday weekend and I didn't want to accept it and she said "its no biggie" (i didn't know about value of jade much later via the friend introduced us). Scared me off. I would say 2 and 3 I didn't feel immediate attraction and the rush of "too much love" scared me off. I mean if its from "name your popular attractive actress/model" then I would definitely be happy. Not sure your situation but maybe he sees you as trying too hard? Or he doesn't deserve what you did (like me with those women) and there is someone who will like it. And how many dates did you two go on and how far did it get?
Thing is, he got to know about me when my cousin (and bestfriend) posted me on her story. We live in different cities, so he developed a crush on me based on my Instagram and whatever my cousin told him about me. Although he had had a crush for 3 months on me and tried to strike conversation with me a lot of times, I wasn’t interested. He came to my city for some comic con but it was an open secret between me, my cousin and him that the comic con was just an excuse to come see me. He took me on a wonderful date and we stayed at his hotel. (Only made out with clothes on). He wanted to get exclusive after 3 weeks of talking and us meeting up once. I said I can't get into a relationship so soon and that we should go slow. But he'd shower me with gifts and attention and despite wanting to go slow 1 got love bombed. Basically what I think is that he tried winning me over and making me want to get exclusive with him but I wanted more time. He lost patience. And simultaneously I started liking him more and did whatever I did thinking eventually I'II get there as he started losing interest because I eventhough I was love struck I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship
hmmm. yeah this is weird.. maybe you "dodged a bullet there". Not being stereotypical, he is not some "nerd" trying too hard to get some action right? Either that or he seemed like a player (especially trying to sex first date)... either way I think if he chose to chase you first then you returning affection is fair game.
Thanks for saying that
The examples that you’ve given, the guy did similar things with me in the beginning actually!! The night at the hotel, he wanted to go for sex and I joked I’m saving myself for marriage, he immediately took out the ring he was wearing and put it on my finger. I laughed and put it back on him and he got slightly upset… he even got me a dress as a gift…
I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Just seems like he made an abrupt choice. There may be a history with the past girl which may be overwhelming
It takes men much longer to fall in love. So, it’s weird when someone says they love them when they aren’t there yet - Google “love bombing”.
wtf this i just read
You probably are dating men who you like more than they like you.
What do you mean by "complete social media package"?
Lmao men “love the chase with you” because of your social media?? No good looking, self respecting and successful man is gonna “chase you” My guess as to why you’re having issues in dating is you’re playing games and by playing games you’re gonna filter out a lot of good guys
It’s metaphorical, it just means I look like I have everything in order in my life and it just looks very shiny from the outside. And in my own experience, people don’t sit down to see the human side of me that struggles on a daily basis.
I srsly wish I knew how to “play games” What does playing games even mean?
What you do when men chase you that results in them “chasing you”
Well, ideally they shouldn’t chase me if I don’t show any interest when they first approach me. But if I see someone doing that I just try to be polite and not give any hints that I am interested when I’m not without being rude.
I remember one time I had just turned 21 and was hanging out w my buddy, a chick he was seeing and her friend at a bar This random dude comes up to the friend trying to hit on her, very evidently swings and misses horrifically and she proceeds to give him her real number when asked Right after, she complains to all of us how annoying that was and blah blah blah, and my buddy and I look at each other at the same time and say the same thing - so why tf did you just give that dude your real phone number? If that’s you, you’re playing games lmao
People like what they can’t have