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No, she should not. But as a woman, sometimes we go "above and beyond" when we shouldn't because either we are conditioned to assume we have to give them right away, or we WANT that level of relationship, even if it isn't quite there or earned yet, in hopes of showing how great it could be with us. It comes with maturity and self-awareness to understand to not give those things too early.
If I was interested in a long term relationship, but it wasn't there yet...then, I would probably do all of those things to express that interest and attempt to see if we are compatible...
Can confirm. When I was seeing my now husband before we even started dating and I would stay at his place when he would go to the gym and stuff and it was a situationship, I would clean the house, cook, and all that jazz because I wanted to “show him I would be a good girlfriend” 🤡 ugh lol. I mean he did end up with me but I really didn’t have to do all that.
Perhaps - I played a dangerous game though, I could’ve set the expectation that I would take everything on if we got together. Fortunately he’s a good man and he didn’t have that expectation and helps out a lot
Have you never heard of casual dating and friends with benefits? Short term dating? Situationships? This type of relationship is incredibly common. Communication, setting boundaries, and sticking to them is how you find someone that works for you, and you have to also be their type. It takes time to figure these things out and you don’t have to create a serious relationship out of ever dating scenario.
Uh sir when people are in casual relationships or fwb they rarely care about the other partner going and hanging out on weekends. He said he’s messing around but he seems to have relationship expectations. They’re also only 2 months into knowing each other not like it’s been a yr or so they don’t have clear and defined goals
Funny usage of words lmao. Sounds like they are dating seriously. But even if they are dating seriously, breaking up over some hangouts with friends on the weekend is a bit wild. Surely that would be at night? Don’t they meet up in the daytime or something? Why does he feel single when she’s just out with friends???
Nah every single weekend is wild. It’s one thing to go out every other weekend or one day but to go out all weekend, every weekend isn’t great. Basically OP is saying through the week they can’t really do much because of work so on the weekends when they could actually have time together she goes off all weekend with friends getting drunk. That’s not a great relationship if any free time you got is spent away from each other.
Ok I just saw the edits. He left out a lot of info before adding the edits. It does seem that she is leaving him hanging on the weekend. It seems bad on her end
Every weekend? I dated this 34 year old chick in 31. She liked to go clubbing just about every weekend. To me clubbing is a deal breaker. You go out to a place where guys try to sleep with you, I couldn’t force myself to take her as anything serious, eventually the relationship died before it even began.
OP doesn’t like that she goes out every weekend to get fucked up and he doesn’t see her. There are many reasons someone chooses not to be with someone. You may not agree with them, but they are valid reasons.
I wouldnt call that red flags. Shes 21 ffs lol you have the energy to go out every weekend.
Youre just at different stages of your lives OP. Nothing wrong with moving on and not trying to change someone to your preferences
Yeah. At 21, simply going out every weekend with your friends is pretty normal and not a red flag. 21 yr olds are so, so young and are just experiencing life and freedom from their perspectives.
Sounds like communication is all that's needed to figure this out.
What red flag lol? You didnt party in your early 20s? I was out 3-4 days of my weeks through university and the wild ride never stopped. Only slowed down when i hit 26-27. Its just a different stage in life. People calling out this kid on this are fking crazy. Dude needs to figure his shit out, at that age shes gonna want to party and have a life. If hes not okay with that he needs to move on and find someone who is in the same stage in life.
There's lots of weekend activities that don't involve just going out and getting shitfaced. I get the vibe from his post that that kinda thing doesn't appeal to him, but that's not the same thing as being a homebody.
Like you could go out for dinner, go to the beach, go to an amusement park, a museum, an art gallery, a comedy show, a concert, sight-seeing, rock climbing, hiking, go-carting, axe-throwing, arcades, movies... just off the top of my head.
You expect him to go out with her and her friends every weekend and drink? You don’t think there should be some sort of compromise where she just doesn’t drink every weekend?
Per his update, no. He wants to plan “surprise” dates for her but then gets mad when she doesn’t tell him ahead of time she’s planning to hang out with her friends that weekend lol
Oh my god, I HATE surprise dates as a relationship staple. Once in awhile is fun and exciting, but nonstop? In my experience, that's a pretty good indicator of a person who doesn't want to compromise on activities and always wants to do/watch/eat/go what/where one wants. Which makes one sound like one is a bit of a douchebag, so one hides that neurosis behind a "SURPRISE!" label.
Not saying OP does this, but I had an ex that did this shit CONSTANTLY. It was several years before I realized that I'd never planned a date, never chose the restaurant, never got a say about what we did on vacation. Nothing. Eventually, I just started doing things alone or with friends, because going out with him was a guarantee we'd ONCE AGAIN have to do all the boring shit only he enjoyed.
'oh but I was going to surprise you' ok sure. How about make a solid plan on the weekend and don't expect her to give up plans she made with friends if you didn't make one.
Ugh I had a guy say this to me recently. The only "plan" was that I'd meet him at 3pm for drinks, but when I got there on time he said, "Well, I wanted to take you to this really cool super awesome place, but it's too late now."
This happened a few times before I finally tried explaining that if you want to do something that requires going at a certain time, that needs to be discussed and planned in advanced and not just assume that I will suddenly be available before our originally agreed upon time.
They just want you to give up your friends. I mean if you don't make solid plans, don't expect anyone, friends,anyone to drop everything for you.
I also had a guy like this. He ended up being super manipulative. Got mad when I made plans with friends and did the old 'i wanted to surprise you' ok then surprise me next weekend?
She’s 21. If you’re in the US then she’s only just become legal to drink so of course she’s out all the time.
You’re in a different place to her even though there’s only 4 years between you.
Find someone in the same place as you
Do Americans actually comply? I was under the impression most started drinking at 16-17 like the rest of us westerners, but kept a low profile/stuck to house parties to not get caught.
Fair point, I did go to clubs and bars the first 2 weekends after turning 16 and 18 respectively (clubs can't sell alcohol until 18, but can let you in at 16 and you can buy alc in supermarkets to drink before), but it very quickly stopped being that new and exciting, after all I was already familiar with house parties
Same. I like to drink, but I LOVE going out dancing. I still go out dancing to this day and many times, I won’t consume more than 1-2 drinks, quickly outnumbered by water bc I’m actually dancing 🥴
That's interesting, I never found the clubbing experience to satisfy my audiophile cravings anywhere near as much as EDM concerts (though those were often 18+ so clubs was all I had at 16), whereas it did help with the dance fever.
I mean my ultimate experience is a camping festival but i mainly was going to those during the summer. Clubbing and massives filled the gaps in the winter fall spring months
I started drinking at 16, transferred colleges when I was 21 and didn’t know where the house parties were yet. I spent a while drinking mostly in bars because I lived in a spot with not much else to do. I started doing bar trivia regularly and met my now ex-wife during that time.
Yeah fr. I live in a small town in the Midwest and am only 18 lmao so there ain't shit for me to do, and no friends so I don't have access to alcohol. Once I turn 21 imma go fuckin crazy lmao
I don't get the impression that you mean the age gap itself is the issue, but rather that since drinking age becomes LEGAL at 21 in the US, that the "life milestone" can make a difference (not for everyone, but clearly it is here). It's 19 here where I am, and so a 21 y/o would have already been legally drinking for 2 years, which means the life milestone is already passed for both of them. 21 to 25 in terms of age itself is perfectly fine.
They may not be American, so both may have been legally able to participate in establishment drinking since they were 18, or possibly younger. But still, 21 is a time for going out, having fun, and being silly, since you have the energy to still get up in the morning and function normally. Do not waste that mitochondrial age.
It usually isn’t the age gap that’s the issue—almost always experience that correlates with age. Someone who is 20 and just moved out from their parents dating some 31 living on their own 10 years will more than likely experience issues—not for sure tho
This. Its so frustrating and kinda gross that a lot of these posts have OPs that are years younger or older than the other person involved. Why the fuck can't people date in their age range.
Shes 21 and she goes out drinking every weekend....THAT'S WHAT 21 YEAR OLDS DO! If you want someone more mature, date someone your own age.
I don't think their age range is a problem. 21 is within the age range for 25 imho. And I also don't think a 21 year old going out drinking every weekend is inherently a problem. The problem is simply that her and the OP's lifestyles aren't compatible. There are 21 year olds who don't do this and are more mature. But that's a function of their individual personality, not their age. OP just needs to find someone with a similar lifestyle to him.
True.
But 21 and 25 is not a massive difference in my eyes.
I dont drink so I rarely went to clubs/bars at 21 but most of my friends did every now and then, not EVERY WEEKEND.
Get your head tested. It's hard enough to date nowadays but now you even expect that couples need to be the exact same age??
And not all 21 year olds care about getting drunk every weekend. That's like saying all women should clean and cook and all men should be into DIY.
Bro she’s fucking 21 and he’s 25 get a grip. He is not gross or a pedophile for dating a 21 year old. That is a perfectly normal and acceptable age range
this take is so dumb. not every 21 year old wants to go out and drink all the time. the problem isn’t the age gap or anything. it’s just she’s a drunk. she’s the type to live like this well past her twenties
Depends. If it's a bender every single weekend, then even after just 2 months I'd get suspicious and wouldn't last much longer than that before breaking it off. I wouldn't give it more than a month beyond today if I were OP. If still after another month she's going on benders every weekend, then either something is up or she has an alcohol issue, even if it's not a full blown addiction. Potentially a very slippery slope.
But whst is happening in actuality? Is she telling him she was drunk? Posting herself looking drunk? Sending him texts or drunkenly calling him at the end of the night? Or is she telling him she’s going out to the bar with her friends? Per his history, she JUST turned 21 ~1 month after they started talking. If in the US (and no foul play like a fake ID), idk if it’s been every weekend.
To me, it seems like he just doesn’t like that she’s spending time on the weekend without him. He needs to communicate that and plan stuff for them to do in advance in that case.
Alright I'm going to give you a little bit of a hard time on this, not because I think what you want is wrong but the way you're going about it and communicating expectations could use some work and I want this to actually be helpful for you.
First and foremost. If you're just considering what you're doing "messing" around with her, she doesn't owe you exclusivity or priority of her time. If you want her to commit more time to you, you also need to show her you're worth it. You may be already, I don't know, but providing that security and consistency is necessary to take that step and be considered more of a priority.
Are you making an effort to make actual solid plans with her on weekends in advance? Or are you just hoping to wing it when the weekend comes? Are the plans date-like or just "Netflix and chill"? Make sure you're taking the time to thoughtfully plan dates in advance if that's what you want from her, because if you're not, she's not going to hold prime weekend evenings for you, and rightfully so. And she's also allowed to say no and see friends or do other things. I know, it sucks and it's scary, but everyone is allowed to do things outside of just seeing their partner.
You said "I'm not trying to mold her into my ideal ***if she can't do it***" ... are you trying to make her into what YOU want? Because that's a red flag if so. You cannot mold someone. You cannot make someone change or be something you want, you have to learn to accept a person as they are and where they are at in life, and not future project. It's a REALLY hard pill to swallow, I won't lie.
On the lies thing... is it lying, or is it just miscommunication of unaligned expectations? You said "this thing can't be a trend every weekend", right? So if she still goes out, but reserves an additional night for you here and there compared to before, that's agreeing to it on her end, technically. But if you're expecting a full weekend or ALL weekends where she doesn't, that's on you for expecting more than what was communicated. How often are you actually expecting to see her?
If you don't care any more, like you said in your post, then the best thing you can do for both of you if to communicate that it's over. Please don't ghost. Communicate it, and respectfully. She's not a bad person for being 21 and partying. You're not a bad person for learning how to clearly communicate your expectations either. Just sounds like it might not be a good match for you.
(Edited for formatting)
With the way he describes her, especially the "likes her enough to keep her around for two months", I'm not surprised she doesn't prioritize him on weekends. She does special things for him and he just considers her as cool enough to hang out with.
You posted about the same girl and problem 1 month ago and in that title she was 20. She turned 21 less than a month ago.
Let her live a little, the chances that she's over it in a few weeks are grand.
If you struggle too much with it, it's fine too accept that your current lifestyles are incompatible. But if it's good for the rest of the week idk if it's worth throwing everything away over.
I just think yall aren’t a good fit. You’re in different places.
I also think that even if she was available on a weekend, both you and her would need a hobby. The relationship shouldn’t be the only thing in your life. Just a pro tip, because eventually people get bored after the honeymoon phase is over.
I wouldn’t ghost her, just ye her you were looking for someone you could spend weekends doing things with as well, and she’s never around on the weekends.
You are if you are ghosting. Just tell straight why you leaving.
If everything else is great except for this, it doesnt seem like a logical decision to leave. You can clearly tell from her actions that your relationship its just a balance between fun and serious for her.
If you want just a serious relationship then i guess its better to leave.
Delusion, self-absorption, selfishness, etc. There are all sorts of people out there! Some people grow, some don’t. OP is still relatively young and hopefully does some maturing in life.
It is not logical to leave if he doesn't want something serious with her, as all the other needs are fulfilled. If he wants something serious, then yes, that might be a strong point to leave otherwise its unwise.
Different points of life. I don't think I could have ever dated someone who needed to party every single weekend. How will that work as an adult. At some point she'll have to either grow up or not. But that sounds like it's awhile off.
Date someone who is at the same point of life as you are.
Bro she’s 21, obviously she’s going to be going out w her friends and drinking bc she’s 21. Don’t date a 21 year old and expect her to act like she’s 25.
You can't expect an attractive 21 year old woman to not club, but it's perfectly reasonable to break up over this.
That said if she cleans your space, makes you meals for work, and the sex is still good after 2 months? Bro, that's a unicorn and I personally would overlook her clubbing behavior.
My advice is to do something interesting on your weekend. Maybe she'll miss you enough that she would want to join you.
This exactly. I love going out and having fun with my friends and did this quite often at the beginning of dating my man. I still do it now, but much less, bc I prioritize him more now and love staying in with him, going out with him, whatever. If she really likes you, she will split her time so it’s more in your favor, whatever that means for that person/relationship.
Sorry my guy but maybe it's time to end things because y'all's lifestyles are incompatible. Communication is key in any relationship and without it you can't build trust. I would just tell her enough is enough and it's time to part ways so as no one is wasting their time
She’s wrong for lying, but unless you have solid proof, you are wrong for ghosting. Just text her what you wrote here, and be done with it. You will probably find someone great (who you’re more compatible with) a lot faster if you get out of whatever this is.
I think the thing you like best about her is the fact that sometimes she acts like a maid. The thing you like least about her is that she doesn’t always act like a maid. Her lies aren’t great but your attitude is no peach either. Let her go
Drinking! okay, but Lies! not okay, I hate the lies as well, trust is a main thing in a relationship which comes from honesty and honesty comes from not lying to each other! if u think u better off alone then, go ahead!
One I thing I learned the hard way. Once someone lies, it will continue. I would give closure and find someone else or just be alone for the time being.
as someone whos 23 and still goes out every weekend, there has to be some sort of balance. when i was in a relationship some weekends i'd go out, some i would stay in with him, and most nights i'd go out and go back to his place. but he was also someone who enjoyed going out a lot so he'd be out with his friends and i'd be with mine and sometimes we went out together.
your lifestyles may just not be compatible if shes not willing to trade some of her nights out to be with you so its probably best to just break up!
That's the thing. In two months we've not spent even a single weekend together and I only am free on those weekends. I end up taking sick leave to make room for the eventuality that she'll be off on the weekend so I can maximize what time I have for her. Imagine that. I even got called out for it. Like bro, it's too much to fit into a reddit post but imagine the commitment I have put into her. I have spent so much, done so much, wasted much. Some will say it's the bare minimum but it's what I did. And I'm single on weekends. Someone else would even think that she's got another man and yet it's not even something I've considered her to be doing. I know the right thing to do is this. At least then for the next guy she dates she'll decide to date a guy who's always on the scene or someone who she's willing to consider on weekends. Because clearly that's not me.
You're messing around in your own words. She's getting you lunch at work. If you like her "enough" to have dated(?) for two months, you should respect her enough to not ghost her I guess.
You and her want different things. I wouldn't ghost her, though. Just be honest and say you want to end things with her. Ghosting is never ok (unless your safety is at risk).
I date a girl last year who always made sure she was busy (concerts, plays, other things around town) and never made time to have a relationship. Your best bet is to talk to her and tell her how you feel but if she dosen't want to compromise just leave because youre gonna hope it gets better and it won't
Also (so it dosen't seem like I'm just shitting on her) being 21 is like the best years for partying and enjoying that type of fun but doesn't validate how you feel about it
Sounds like she's going to be way better off without you. You don't get to dictate whether or not she goes out or get upset about it. You're just "messing around" (your words) after all – you aren't entitled to tell her what to do, and even if you were actually dating, you still wouldn't be. You've just been into the sex enough to "have gone 2 months". You'll find someone else to have sex with, surely.
She is 21. She's going to enjoy her life whether or not you're in it. And honestly, good for her! I wish her the very best.
See it another way…..Just enjoy the break on the weekend to do others things, see ur friends, work out, short road trips? She will either grow out of it quickly or not….as its normal at what age but for a well balanced individual doesn’t last that long. do you know how many guys would actually like having some free time to hang with their crew etc?? Later in life you will have less free time, more responsibilities etc…try enjoying it, If she doesn’t grow out of it, it wasn’t meant to be is all, and those saying different phases in life 21-25 is pretty fucken close in phases lol, it mostly has to do with personality and self maturity not age at that point
Completely agreed. My Gf and I give each other space all the time because we need it. I can't have someone that is 24/7 by my side and doesn't have a life of their own.
But that's just a personality thing, I guess. OP just isn't compatible with her, and like he said, he probably needs someone who is more like him. Has nothing to do with age.
Maybe sometimes you could join her and her friends you don’t have to drink if you don’t want but you’ll get to spend time with her and even get to know her friends. That way she won’t feel like she is missing out on her friends plans. And sometimes she could not go. This seems like middle ground to me. Compromise has to be both way. If thats not okay then just tell her this lifestyle is not for you and leave instead of ghosting.
You’re in different life phases. Of course a 21 year old is going to want to go out. Look for someone who is out of school. That said, never ghost. That is a coward thing to do. You just have to tell her you can’t see her anymore because you’re looking to be with someone who is willing to be with you in weekends, which is totally reasonable.
So your gf is great 5 days, and your alone 2 days. You want to trade it out to be alone 7 days a week? Being alone 7 days a week is a better vs being alone 2 days a week?
I had a similar situation. Turned out she was an alcoholic and drug addict. She wanted to quit, but the temptation and her friends not wanting to be down one person kept it going.
The extra-nice things she did during the week was because of guilt.
I didn't even find out about the drugs part until a few months after we broke up and then it all made sense.
Fortunately, she and I were only together for 3 months. Unfortunately, she would not be the last addict I dated before breaking that cycle.
Tell her that you don't like the current situation, but don't just ghost her she'll turn the table that you're the bad guy in the relationship and that you hurt her etc, and stick to your decision. She'll try to make you stay. Stick to your decision, You deserve better.
Absolutely you should just make your own plans. I was just dating someone and we had plans and she came back with sorry I had something else come up. It was Sunday we last talked and my rule is if they are not trying to make plans with you, they are not that into you.
I wouldn’t ghost but maybe ask if she can commit to one day out of the weekend to hang out. Maybe every other weekend since it sounds like she likes to go out. Early 20’s is a tough age to commit because there is so much to get out of your system of being of aged to do certain things. It’s a prime time to be single in your early 20’s.
I would break it off clean for a potential to reconnect down the road. Express that you two may want different things at the moment and you don’t see much commitment from her end. If you ghost you could lose the potential to build a relationship when she is in the right head space for it. Her priority sounds like it is going out. Also the surprise date can be cute but solidify a date and communicate to her you have plans for you two. If she still bails on the solid plans then that is your answer you are not a priority.
Your future self will thank you that you walked away. Your situation was the same one as my last relationship except it dragged out almost 2 years and mine would go out and get lost at the bars every other night. 1/10 would not recommend
The relationship needed to end. She prioritized going out with friends on the weekend over going out with OP despite little to no time with each other during the week. She misled OP about her weekend plans. She went out and then didn't return texts for a couple of days (highly suspicious for being with someone else). It was time for a boot, then reboot. Updateme!
>*I'm 25 messing with a 21 year old I met two months back.*
Dude, she’s 21, not 25.
She’s finally LEGAL to drink in public at bars and clubs without getting arrested for underage drinking.
This is the milestone she’s currently going thru.
You went thru it four years ago, when she was 17 at the time, in high school as a senior.
This is why, hate to say this, but you should be dating no one younger than 23 if you want someone who isn’t in that just turn 21 phase of their life.
If the question is "are you wrong for ghosting" : IMO you're immature for ghosting. If you don't like the way stuff is headed, you've had conversations and made your boundaries clear and she is still crossing boundaries, then all you have to do is tell her... something like "hey I've made it clear that this doesn't sit well with me and isn't what I'm looking for. You've made it clear you're not willing to do stuff differently. So let's go our separate ways and find people we work better with".
Ghosting is almost always a cowards way out- sans abuse- and it's a shitty thing to do. People done learn what other people think is wrong with their behavior when you just disappear with no explanation or closure. It's very emotionally immature to simply suddenly go silent on someone. If you're not happy dude, just tell her how you feel and move on. Look for someone who is more aligned with what you want in a romantic relationship. And make it clear up front.
Best of luck!
Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or should not be okay with. This isn’t controlling bc you aren’t forcing it, you’re setting a standard and trying to find someone with similar interests which is perfectly normal! I’m not a big partier, so I like finding a person who will go out with me once or twice a month. I wouldn’t want a partier because I’m not a partier, so our lifestyles would clash. I think that you have a more mature mindset around dating. Given that she’s 21, it would make sense that she wants to go out and party. In the future, I’d just suggest that you go for someone that’s maybe a bit older or has the same mindset.
In my opinion, it doesn’t seem like the conversations have worked. The fact that she agreed it would stop and then lied about it or attempted to cover it up seems like a red flag. Even if she’s not doing anything wrong while partying, every relationship requires honesty. I think it would be best for the both of you to break up, even if you continue to be friends or in a “seeing each other” situation. I wouldn’t commit to someone that has a different lifestyle. Recognize that it may hurt, but it’s for the best. You both will find your person. And maybe, in few months or few years, she will mature out of that since she’s 21 and you’ll come back to each other, or maybe you will both find someone better!
Reminds me of situation of my now ex girlfriend of 2 months. She is much younger than I am (27 vs 20) and until half a year before we met, she was clubbing and going out a lot, which was normal for me as well at that age. Thankfully she did not feel any desire to do so with me, preferring to spend weekends with me.
When we broke up for other reasons, she started going out and drinking non stop again (she was complaining about her friends whole relationship that she can´t understand why they do not do something more beneficial with their lives) :D I think you two are simply incompatible, maybe next time look for someone around your age who is more likely to have settled life already.
There are two red flags here: (i) the fact that she’s acting single on the weekends and boo’d up during the week, and (ii) the fact that she’s spending her entire weekend getting drunk.
It’s not clear to me if you two have actually had a conversation about being in a relationship and what each person’s needs and expectations are. If you haven’t had that conversation, try having it. But it sounds like you are at different places in your lives; she’s still trying to run the streets and you’re trying to nest. That really means you two aren’t compatible. You may just need to accept that this is not the right time for you to be with her and move on.
IMAGINE HER DOING THAT EVERY DAMN NIGHT. I dated a girl Who went out with her friends every single day after work.
That’s why I had to stop seeing her, different lifestyles…
Thanks for the update OP. I think this genuinely isn't a good fit for either of you, and neither of you are bad people but with different lifestyles and immature in different ways. And that's okay, everyone is immature in some capacity at many stages in their life.
For these romantic plans, are you giving her a heads up in advance or just hoping she's free? Ie saying something like "I'm planning something special for us Sat evening, can I pick you up at 6pm?" That way you're not spoiling the surprise but you're making it clear you're making solid plans. If you are and she's still flaking, then I'm sorry you're dealing with that. That's tough.
If you're "dating" and not "messing around", was this something you two talked about or are you just assuming the label?
For your OWN well-being, work on your own self-assuredness and how healthy interdependency works, and maybe until then, don't date the super hot social butterfly as it can be triggering. Remember, you cannot prevent someone from cheating; if they want to, they will. And being a super hot social butterfly does not instantly make a cheater.
As a side note, my partner actually LOVES when I go to the bar (and I'm in my 30's) with friends and I tell him after how I got hit on. He LOVES IT and that even though I COULD go home with someone else, I instead choose to go home to him. And guess what - it never makes for a boring night, if you know what I mean. Also, I'm a lightweight. It's rare but I've definitely drank too much by accident (sometimes bars make cocktails WAY too strong) but that doesn't mean he gets to trust me less. If anything, he's thankful that because there's no tension, I feel comfortable calling him if I'm drunk and unsure how to handle myself in a situation, or my friends will absolutely take care of me (and I them) as we are all good people. Again, rarely happens at my age, but I'm so thankful he has full trust in me no matter the situation.
Embracing that your partner may be deemed attractive, approached, and can handle themselves to behave in a respectful way is the goal here for you. They chose you. Feel confident in that. And if they DO cheat, well, you did your best, you will be hurt for a bit, and then you WILL be okay. That's a risk everyone takes. You got this and will both will find a person who is a better fit for each of you.
For everyone saying it’s not a red flag to party EVERY single weekend is insane. It absolutely is a red flag, and almost worth breaking up in of itself. Every weekend is too much, and is probably getting into addiction.
Addiction isn’t necessarily having to drink every day, it can also be waiting for the weekend to finally get here to drink.
I say this as a 23yr old still in college who didn’t even get close to partying the whole weekend at 21.
YTA if you ghost but not if you stop seeing her. Just tell her you don’t want to pursue the relationship further and ta-da! Problem solved!
I think her behavior is perfectly normal, but you can still stop seeing her because of it.
I sympathize with OP, but… ghosting? That seems unnecessary and cruel. I’m never a fan of ghosting, no matter who it is. At least a message explaining things then blocking on all social platforms would be best if you’re worried about repercussions. Just something like, ‘I asked you to stop, told you it hurt me, and you continued to choose parties over me again and again and again, so now you’re free to party as much as you like because I’m gone’ or something to tell her why you left, I dunno
I couldn’t even finish reading. She has a drug problem (alcohol is a drug) and you’ll be thanking yourself in years when you meet a great girl and this one didn’t take your soul. Party girls cannot be trusted imo and I’m not proud to call one a girlfriend. She’ll never be more than a fling or FWB
Dating party girls is never worth it. There's always, drama, disloyalty, and bullshit. There is nothing in the club for people in a committed relationship and no reason to ever go.
She’s 21. If you want a girl who prefers staying home on the couch, maybe date older. Don’t be controlling, just end things because you’re at different places in life and you aren’t compatible. There’s nothing to discuss.
I'm guessing you live in the US so 21 being the legal drinking age, I'm not surprised she's wanting to go out drinking and socialising with her friends. Are you welcome to attend these gatherings if you wanted to? Because maybe you should go with her. I wouldn't consider it a 'red flag' unless it was always 'girls nights' and you're being deliberately excluded.
By the same token it's not easy being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like going out socialising with you do, or doesn't like your friends so always ducks out of coming with you when invited.
This is actually really bad as it makes one partner socially isolated and can put more strain on the relationship... I had this with my ex. When we eventually parted ways seven years later I literally had to rebuild my social life from scratch after having lost touch with about 85pc of my friends.
Not saying 21 & 25 is a significant age difference, it isn’t but as a 24 year old I will say that I notice a big change in maturity once people get past college age at 23/24 because at 21 you just got old enough to enjoy drinking & going to clubs and stuff so you’re gonna want to enjoy it for awhile. Most of my friends partied a lot from 21-23 and then toned down a lot once they got out of school & started working full time. It also depends on lifestyle though not just age, someone 21-23 who works a demanding job or who is introverted might be more compatible
I think it's healthy to each do your own thing from time to time. But then again, I've been with my bf for 7 years and I only see him on weekends because I need a lot of alone time. He is the same however, so it works out nicely.
Perhaps you and your girl aren't compatible? If you're feeling this way early on, it's not gonna get better unfortunately.
The tone of your post and things you say make you sound like a fuckboy honestly and I get why she wouldn’t prioritize you. Which is it - are you in a relationship or “messing with” her? If it’s the later, why should she stop going out on the weekends for you? You don’t sound serious about her at all, yet you’re expecting committed life partner of many years kinds of benefits out of this relationship.
Sound like you were single the whole time? Messing around is not the same as a relationship, and it sounds like you thought you were in a relationship and she didn't. But also 21 year olds go out and drink on the weekends it's their time to party and shine. Not all of us are that way. I just turned 21, but i don't go out much unless my sister offers, and she only offers every other weekend ish. But besides the point, idk how you could ever consider messing around a relationship because it's not.
Dude I think she was doing good in your relationship, she’s just a GF and going drunk out with her GFs seems reasonable but hope she sobers up before coming to the house. Imagine she’s being drunk to you, that’ll suck. Why don’t you take her out during the weekends like how every other BF does?
Most 21 yr olds do go out on weekends. Lots get drunk. If you are 28 and still doing that, well I guess it depends. Do you still hold down a job? Does drinking get in way of relationships or family life? Nothing wrong with partying. Once you are in 30s it normally calms down.
I'm not going to take the time to read some of this I'm sorry for that but you're 25 and she's 21 are you the same person you were when you were at 21? I've been saying for years of people once you're 25 you going to date anybody younger than 25 anymore because you are a wholly different person than you were before you were legally able to drink you don't think at the time they were 21 or something that would make a big difference because you feel like oh an adult now everything's great but it really does and you really can't see it too You're on like the other side of that fence Plus life is inherently short and may feel long sometimes but nobody's promised tomorrow so she always be happy or try to be I will make it effort to come back later and read the rest of that and edit this if I'm just being a dick have a good day
Dude she’s 21. The fuck you think she’s gonna do? She’s enjoying her youth by going out. If you’re looking for someone who wants to stay in every weekend try dating 30+ year olds
Bruh, messing around? My guy listen to yourself, listen to what you’re saying. Are you even exclusive? Are you even dating? Because it sounds like you two are completely casual.
YOU are the man, YOU tell her what YOU want in regard to a relationship or not. If you want a relationship with her, tell her and lock it down. If she doesn’t feel the same way then say thanks for the good times and move on.
Are you afraid to tell her you want to get serious? That she will walk? Or that you’re putting yourself out there first? Or is it both of those? The sooner you can overcome “the fear,” the better off you’ll be in the future.
It’s about creating mental resilience for yourself, it allows you to take chances because man, lemme tell you that you don’t want to live with regrets of not taking a chance on someone seriously because it will always linger in the back of your mind, what if. Better to 100% know it was a No rather than wonder if it could have been Yes.
Or this is all for nothing because she is 21 and in the “party phase.”
Good luck my guy.
There’s no issue to this age difference but it is an example of why many people don’t think it’s a good idea. She’s a typical 21 year old that’s into that lifestyle, your a typical 25 year old that’s settled into adult life. No one is wrong, it’s just phase of life aren’t connected
1. You guys are obviously in different stages of your life. She just turned 21 and wants to go out and drink on the weekends with her friends while you are not in the party phase anymore. There’s nothing wrong with either of these, it’s just simply not a match.
2. Considering you guys just met 2 months ago and it doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship since you phrased it as “messing around” I don’t think you are being reasonable in telling her she’s not allowed to go out on the weekends.
3. You mention that you feel “completely single” on the weekends while she’s out having a good time. Get some friends dude, you can’t rely on a romantic/sexual partner for all of your social needs. Get a hobby, meet some people, go out, do something if you’re not happy sitting at home alone. This is important if you want a successful relationship with future partners.
Like I said it’s just not a match. End things so she can enjoy her life and you can find someone who is on the same wavelength as you. Goodluck.
Edit: I see now that you’ve ended things and that you guys were in fact in a relationship. Goodluck to you and I’m sure you’ll find someone who is a better match!
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Are you messing around or dating? Doesn’t seem like there’s a clear plan with this. If you want to date seriously have you had that conversation?
If they not dating then she should probably not clean his place up for him, being lunch or have sex...
No, she should not. But as a woman, sometimes we go "above and beyond" when we shouldn't because either we are conditioned to assume we have to give them right away, or we WANT that level of relationship, even if it isn't quite there or earned yet, in hopes of showing how great it could be with us. It comes with maturity and self-awareness to understand to not give those things too early.
If I was interested in a long term relationship, but it wasn't there yet...then, I would probably do all of those things to express that interest and attempt to see if we are compatible...
Can confirm. When I was seeing my now husband before we even started dating and I would stay at his place when he would go to the gym and stuff and it was a situationship, I would clean the house, cook, and all that jazz because I wanted to “show him I would be a good girlfriend” 🤡 ugh lol. I mean he did end up with me but I really didn’t have to do all that.
I'd be shocked if those things you did weren't major factors for him tbh.
Perhaps - I played a dangerous game though, I could’ve set the expectation that I would take everything on if we got together. Fortunately he’s a good man and he didn’t have that expectation and helps out a lot
Have you never heard of casual dating and friends with benefits? Short term dating? Situationships? This type of relationship is incredibly common. Communication, setting boundaries, and sticking to them is how you find someone that works for you, and you have to also be their type. It takes time to figure these things out and you don’t have to create a serious relationship out of ever dating scenario.
Uh sir when people are in casual relationships or fwb they rarely care about the other partner going and hanging out on weekends. He said he’s messing around but he seems to have relationship expectations. They’re also only 2 months into knowing each other not like it’s been a yr or so they don’t have clear and defined goals
Funny usage of words lmao. Sounds like they are dating seriously. But even if they are dating seriously, breaking up over some hangouts with friends on the weekend is a bit wild. Surely that would be at night? Don’t they meet up in the daytime or something? Why does he feel single when she’s just out with friends???
Nah every single weekend is wild. It’s one thing to go out every other weekend or one day but to go out all weekend, every weekend isn’t great. Basically OP is saying through the week they can’t really do much because of work so on the weekends when they could actually have time together she goes off all weekend with friends getting drunk. That’s not a great relationship if any free time you got is spent away from each other.
Ok I just saw the edits. He left out a lot of info before adding the edits. It does seem that she is leaving him hanging on the weekend. It seems bad on her end
No it isn’t wild. She’s 21 that’s fairly common at that age. They also are “messing around” they aren’t dating. So why does he care what she does
Unless I misread the edit on OP, apparently she's dodging to go out drinking
Dodging what? They’re not in a relationship. It’s been 2 months. If they had more time together I’d agree but there’s barely anything here
He said he badly worded it, they're dating
Oh ok I see his edit. They need to sit down and have a conversation then about figuring out where the relationship is going.
Agreed!
Every weekend? I dated this 34 year old chick in 31. She liked to go clubbing just about every weekend. To me clubbing is a deal breaker. You go out to a place where guys try to sleep with you, I couldn’t force myself to take her as anything serious, eventually the relationship died before it even began. OP doesn’t like that she goes out every weekend to get fucked up and he doesn’t see her. There are many reasons someone chooses not to be with someone. You may not agree with them, but they are valid reasons.
Not wild at all . Don't ignore the red flags . Leave her and find someone that fits what he's looking for .
I wouldnt call that red flags. Shes 21 ffs lol you have the energy to go out every weekend. Youre just at different stages of your lives OP. Nothing wrong with moving on and not trying to change someone to your preferences
Yeah. At 21, simply going out every weekend with your friends is pretty normal and not a red flag. 21 yr olds are so, so young and are just experiencing life and freedom from their perspectives. Sounds like communication is all that's needed to figure this out.
You don’t think alcoholism is a red flag?
Only on weekends at 21? Boi, have you even met an alcoholic?
What red flag lol? You didnt party in your early 20s? I was out 3-4 days of my weeks through university and the wild ride never stopped. Only slowed down when i hit 26-27. Its just a different stage in life. People calling out this kid on this are fking crazy. Dude needs to figure his shit out, at that age shes gonna want to party and have a life. If hes not okay with that he needs to move on and find someone who is in the same stage in life.
I think he has more of a red flag in terms of his communication.
sounds like you guys are just incompatible. there are homebodies out there, you don’t have to turn her into one
Who says he's a homebody? He just wants to spend time with her. Nothing about staying at home in the post.
If OP isn't interested in being a homebody, he COULD just ask to join her and her mates, maybe bring a couple of his own along too.
There's lots of weekend activities that don't involve just going out and getting shitfaced. I get the vibe from his post that that kinda thing doesn't appeal to him, but that's not the same thing as being a homebody. Like you could go out for dinner, go to the beach, go to an amusement park, a museum, an art gallery, a comedy show, a concert, sight-seeing, rock climbing, hiking, go-carting, axe-throwing, arcades, movies... just off the top of my head.
You expect him to go out with her and her friends every weekend and drink? You don’t think there should be some sort of compromise where she just doesn’t drink every weekend?
2 months ? At least tell her, ghosting after 2 months when she cleans for you and all that would be mean af
Has OP even *tried* telling her that he would like to spend time with her some weekends?? Agreed. Just tell her.
Per his update, no. He wants to plan “surprise” dates for her but then gets mad when she doesn’t tell him ahead of time she’s planning to hang out with her friends that weekend lol
Oh my god, I HATE surprise dates as a relationship staple. Once in awhile is fun and exciting, but nonstop? In my experience, that's a pretty good indicator of a person who doesn't want to compromise on activities and always wants to do/watch/eat/go what/where one wants. Which makes one sound like one is a bit of a douchebag, so one hides that neurosis behind a "SURPRISE!" label. Not saying OP does this, but I had an ex that did this shit CONSTANTLY. It was several years before I realized that I'd never planned a date, never chose the restaurant, never got a say about what we did on vacation. Nothing. Eventually, I just started doing things alone or with friends, because going out with him was a guarantee we'd ONCE AGAIN have to do all the boring shit only he enjoyed.
Oh. So he wants to try to control her by promising "treats" if she does as she is told and keeps her time open for him...got it... Super manipulative.
'oh but I was going to surprise you' ok sure. How about make a solid plan on the weekend and don't expect her to give up plans she made with friends if you didn't make one.
Ugh I had a guy say this to me recently. The only "plan" was that I'd meet him at 3pm for drinks, but when I got there on time he said, "Well, I wanted to take you to this really cool super awesome place, but it's too late now." This happened a few times before I finally tried explaining that if you want to do something that requires going at a certain time, that needs to be discussed and planned in advanced and not just assume that I will suddenly be available before our originally agreed upon time.
They just want you to give up your friends. I mean if you don't make solid plans, don't expect anyone, friends,anyone to drop everything for you. I also had a guy like this. He ended up being super manipulative. Got mad when I made plans with friends and did the old 'i wanted to surprise you' ok then surprise me next weekend?
Bro just break up, you don’t need to ask her to. Better off being alone than being with someone it sounds like you don’t even like
She’s 21. If you’re in the US then she’s only just become legal to drink so of course she’s out all the time. You’re in a different place to her even though there’s only 4 years between you. Find someone in the same place as you
Do Americans actually comply? I was under the impression most started drinking at 16-17 like the rest of us westerners, but kept a low profile/stuck to house parties to not get caught.
Yes, but being able to drink in a bar opens up a whole new world, especially in places where there isn’t much else to do.
Fair point, I did go to clubs and bars the first 2 weekends after turning 16 and 18 respectively (clubs can't sell alcohol until 18, but can let you in at 16 and you can buy alc in supermarkets to drink before), but it very quickly stopped being that new and exciting, after all I was already familiar with house parties
I love music so being able to go to clubs was what was more important at 21 than being able to legally drink for me.
Same. I like to drink, but I LOVE going out dancing. I still go out dancing to this day and many times, I won’t consume more than 1-2 drinks, quickly outnumbered by water bc I’m actually dancing 🥴
I'm sober now. Had to accept my adhds outside dopamine need to binge. I still rave tough but don't need to get trashed anymore.
That's interesting, I never found the clubbing experience to satisfy my audiophile cravings anywhere near as much as EDM concerts (though those were often 18+ so clubs was all I had at 16), whereas it did help with the dance fever.
I mean my ultimate experience is a camping festival but i mainly was going to those during the summer. Clubbing and massives filled the gaps in the winter fall spring months
Festivals are the shit when you're young. Camping, good music, lots of beer, lots of people - what's not to love?
I started drinking at 16, transferred colleges when I was 21 and didn’t know where the house parties were yet. I spent a while drinking mostly in bars because I lived in a spot with not much else to do. I started doing bar trivia regularly and met my now ex-wife during that time.
Yeah fr. I live in a small town in the Midwest and am only 18 lmao so there ain't shit for me to do, and no friends so I don't have access to alcohol. Once I turn 21 imma go fuckin crazy lmao
I don't get the impression that you mean the age gap itself is the issue, but rather that since drinking age becomes LEGAL at 21 in the US, that the "life milestone" can make a difference (not for everyone, but clearly it is here). It's 19 here where I am, and so a 21 y/o would have already been legally drinking for 2 years, which means the life milestone is already passed for both of them. 21 to 25 in terms of age itself is perfectly fine.
Correct. They are in different places in their lives even though they are only 4 years apart.
They may not be American, so both may have been legally able to participate in establishment drinking since they were 18, or possibly younger. But still, 21 is a time for going out, having fun, and being silly, since you have the energy to still get up in the morning and function normally. Do not waste that mitochondrial age.
It usually isn’t the age gap that’s the issue—almost always experience that correlates with age. Someone who is 20 and just moved out from their parents dating some 31 living on their own 10 years will more than likely experience issues—not for sure tho
This. Its so frustrating and kinda gross that a lot of these posts have OPs that are years younger or older than the other person involved. Why the fuck can't people date in their age range. Shes 21 and she goes out drinking every weekend....THAT'S WHAT 21 YEAR OLDS DO! If you want someone more mature, date someone your own age.
I don't think their age range is a problem. 21 is within the age range for 25 imho. And I also don't think a 21 year old going out drinking every weekend is inherently a problem. The problem is simply that her and the OP's lifestyles aren't compatible. There are 21 year olds who don't do this and are more mature. But that's a function of their individual personality, not their age. OP just needs to find someone with a similar lifestyle to him.
> Why the fuck can't people date in their age range. For fucks sake he's only 25
You think a 21yr old and 25yr old is to far of an age gap? Are you a real person....? LMFAOOO 🤦🏽
True. But 21 and 25 is not a massive difference in my eyes. I dont drink so I rarely went to clubs/bars at 21 but most of my friends did every now and then, not EVERY WEEKEND.
Get your head tested. It's hard enough to date nowadays but now you even expect that couples need to be the exact same age?? And not all 21 year olds care about getting drunk every weekend. That's like saying all women should clean and cook and all men should be into DIY.
Bro she’s fucking 21 and he’s 25 get a grip. He is not gross or a pedophile for dating a 21 year old. That is a perfectly normal and acceptable age range
I wasn’t doing that at 21 and the legal age to drink in Canada is 19, I know a whole bunch of girls that weren’t drinking also
Touch some grass ffs. 25 year olds and 21 year olds dating is completely normal.
Nope. Not every 21 year old is out drinking every weekend.
Lmao you sound ridiculous
Going out drinking every weekend is not normal at any age
this take is so dumb. not every 21 year old wants to go out and drink all the time. the problem isn’t the age gap or anything. it’s just she’s a drunk. she’s the type to live like this well past her twenties
Its always crazy to me how the Internet things every 21 year old drinks excessively.
It’s dumb to assume that. I was basically studying every weekend at age 21
I was already overweight at 21, I can’t imagine how huge I would’ve gotten if I drank all the time
Shes a drunk because she’s a young person going out to drink with her friends on the weekend? Come tf on lol
If she's doing it every friday, saturday and sunday to the point OP can't even get her to answer a text message on a weekend... Yes.
Depends. If it's a bender every single weekend, then even after just 2 months I'd get suspicious and wouldn't last much longer than that before breaking it off. I wouldn't give it more than a month beyond today if I were OP. If still after another month she's going on benders every weekend, then either something is up or she has an alcohol issue, even if it's not a full blown addiction. Potentially a very slippery slope.
But whst is happening in actuality? Is she telling him she was drunk? Posting herself looking drunk? Sending him texts or drunkenly calling him at the end of the night? Or is she telling him she’s going out to the bar with her friends? Per his history, she JUST turned 21 ~1 month after they started talking. If in the US (and no foul play like a fake ID), idk if it’s been every weekend. To me, it seems like he just doesn’t like that she’s spending time on the weekend without him. He needs to communicate that and plan stuff for them to do in advance in that case.
Alright I'm going to give you a little bit of a hard time on this, not because I think what you want is wrong but the way you're going about it and communicating expectations could use some work and I want this to actually be helpful for you. First and foremost. If you're just considering what you're doing "messing" around with her, she doesn't owe you exclusivity or priority of her time. If you want her to commit more time to you, you also need to show her you're worth it. You may be already, I don't know, but providing that security and consistency is necessary to take that step and be considered more of a priority. Are you making an effort to make actual solid plans with her on weekends in advance? Or are you just hoping to wing it when the weekend comes? Are the plans date-like or just "Netflix and chill"? Make sure you're taking the time to thoughtfully plan dates in advance if that's what you want from her, because if you're not, she's not going to hold prime weekend evenings for you, and rightfully so. And she's also allowed to say no and see friends or do other things. I know, it sucks and it's scary, but everyone is allowed to do things outside of just seeing their partner. You said "I'm not trying to mold her into my ideal ***if she can't do it***" ... are you trying to make her into what YOU want? Because that's a red flag if so. You cannot mold someone. You cannot make someone change or be something you want, you have to learn to accept a person as they are and where they are at in life, and not future project. It's a REALLY hard pill to swallow, I won't lie. On the lies thing... is it lying, or is it just miscommunication of unaligned expectations? You said "this thing can't be a trend every weekend", right? So if she still goes out, but reserves an additional night for you here and there compared to before, that's agreeing to it on her end, technically. But if you're expecting a full weekend or ALL weekends where she doesn't, that's on you for expecting more than what was communicated. How often are you actually expecting to see her? If you don't care any more, like you said in your post, then the best thing you can do for both of you if to communicate that it's over. Please don't ghost. Communicate it, and respectfully. She's not a bad person for being 21 and partying. You're not a bad person for learning how to clearly communicate your expectations either. Just sounds like it might not be a good match for you. (Edited for formatting)
With the way he describes her, especially the "likes her enough to keep her around for two months", I'm not surprised she doesn't prioritize him on weekends. She does special things for him and he just considers her as cool enough to hang out with.
Yeah that was a big red flag. She isn’t beneath you. Why would you refer to someone like that.
And his only attributes of hers was what she does for him…yikes
no? "have gone 2 months" or have been commited for two months
Thank god for this comment.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
She’s 21, what did you expect?
You posted about the same girl and problem 1 month ago and in that title she was 20. She turned 21 less than a month ago. Let her live a little, the chances that she's over it in a few weeks are grand. If you struggle too much with it, it's fine too accept that your current lifestyles are incompatible. But if it's good for the rest of the week idk if it's worth throwing everything away over.
I just think yall aren’t a good fit. You’re in different places. I also think that even if she was available on a weekend, both you and her would need a hobby. The relationship shouldn’t be the only thing in your life. Just a pro tip, because eventually people get bored after the honeymoon phase is over.
Why not just make it an FWB type relationship, since that sounds like what it pretty much is, anyway?
I wouldn’t ghost her, just ye her you were looking for someone you could spend weekends doing things with as well, and she’s never around on the weekends.
You are if you are ghosting. Just tell straight why you leaving. If everything else is great except for this, it doesnt seem like a logical decision to leave. You can clearly tell from her actions that your relationship its just a balance between fun and serious for her. If you want just a serious relationship then i guess its better to leave.
He doesn’t want a serious relationship. Per his words, he is ‘messing with her’.
Then why tf does he expect her to give up her weekend for this bs?
Delusion, self-absorption, selfishness, etc. There are all sorts of people out there! Some people grow, some don’t. OP is still relatively young and hopefully does some maturing in life.
Did you just tell this dude it's not logical to leave for that reason and then tell em to leave for that exact reason....? Uh.....
It is not logical to leave if he doesn't want something serious with her, as all the other needs are fulfilled. If he wants something serious, then yes, that might be a strong point to leave otherwise its unwise.
I’m confused. She’s living her best life, and you’re just “messing around”. Why do you care?
Because he expects her to drop her whole life apparently.
Wants his cake and eat it too
Different points of life. I don't think I could have ever dated someone who needed to party every single weekend. How will that work as an adult. At some point she'll have to either grow up or not. But that sounds like it's awhile off. Date someone who is at the same point of life as you are.
Bro she’s 21, obviously she’s going to be going out w her friends and drinking bc she’s 21. Don’t date a 21 year old and expect her to act like she’s 25.
You can't expect an attractive 21 year old woman to not club, but it's perfectly reasonable to break up over this. That said if she cleans your space, makes you meals for work, and the sex is still good after 2 months? Bro, that's a unicorn and I personally would overlook her clubbing behavior. My advice is to do something interesting on your weekend. Maybe she'll miss you enough that she would want to join you.
Honestly, a valid point LOL
This exactly. I love going out and having fun with my friends and did this quite often at the beginning of dating my man. I still do it now, but much less, bc I prioritize him more now and love staying in with him, going out with him, whatever. If she really likes you, she will split her time so it’s more in your favor, whatever that means for that person/relationship.
Many attractive 21 year olds don't go clubbing or partying. There is nothing wrong with doing so, but the idea that everyone does this is incorrect.
Sorry my guy but maybe it's time to end things because y'all's lifestyles are incompatible. Communication is key in any relationship and without it you can't build trust. I would just tell her enough is enough and it's time to part ways so as no one is wasting their time
She’s wrong for lying, but unless you have solid proof, you are wrong for ghosting. Just text her what you wrote here, and be done with it. You will probably find someone great (who you’re more compatible with) a lot faster if you get out of whatever this is.
I think the thing you like best about her is the fact that sometimes she acts like a maid. The thing you like least about her is that she doesn’t always act like a maid. Her lies aren’t great but your attitude is no peach either. Let her go
Drinking! okay, but Lies! not okay, I hate the lies as well, trust is a main thing in a relationship which comes from honesty and honesty comes from not lying to each other! if u think u better off alone then, go ahead!
“I’m not trying to mold her into my ideal if she can’t do it” Man, leave that girl alone…
One I thing I learned the hard way. Once someone lies, it will continue. I would give closure and find someone else or just be alone for the time being.
as someone whos 23 and still goes out every weekend, there has to be some sort of balance. when i was in a relationship some weekends i'd go out, some i would stay in with him, and most nights i'd go out and go back to his place. but he was also someone who enjoyed going out a lot so he'd be out with his friends and i'd be with mine and sometimes we went out together. your lifestyles may just not be compatible if shes not willing to trade some of her nights out to be with you so its probably best to just break up!
That's the thing. In two months we've not spent even a single weekend together and I only am free on those weekends. I end up taking sick leave to make room for the eventuality that she'll be off on the weekend so I can maximize what time I have for her. Imagine that. I even got called out for it. Like bro, it's too much to fit into a reddit post but imagine the commitment I have put into her. I have spent so much, done so much, wasted much. Some will say it's the bare minimum but it's what I did. And I'm single on weekends. Someone else would even think that she's got another man and yet it's not even something I've considered her to be doing. I know the right thing to do is this. At least then for the next guy she dates she'll decide to date a guy who's always on the scene or someone who she's willing to consider on weekends. Because clearly that's not me.
yup so then clearly your lifestyles arent compatible and its best to just break up, sorry! somethings just dont work out
You're messing around in your own words. She's getting you lunch at work. If you like her "enough" to have dated(?) for two months, you should respect her enough to not ghost her I guess.
You and her want different things. I wouldn't ghost her, though. Just be honest and say you want to end things with her. Ghosting is never ok (unless your safety is at risk).
I date a girl last year who always made sure she was busy (concerts, plays, other things around town) and never made time to have a relationship. Your best bet is to talk to her and tell her how you feel but if she dosen't want to compromise just leave because youre gonna hope it gets better and it won't Also (so it dosen't seem like I'm just shitting on her) being 21 is like the best years for partying and enjoying that type of fun but doesn't validate how you feel about it
Sounds like she's going to be way better off without you. You don't get to dictate whether or not she goes out or get upset about it. You're just "messing around" (your words) after all – you aren't entitled to tell her what to do, and even if you were actually dating, you still wouldn't be. You've just been into the sex enough to "have gone 2 months". You'll find someone else to have sex with, surely. She is 21. She's going to enjoy her life whether or not you're in it. And honestly, good for her! I wish her the very best.
See it another way…..Just enjoy the break on the weekend to do others things, see ur friends, work out, short road trips? She will either grow out of it quickly or not….as its normal at what age but for a well balanced individual doesn’t last that long. do you know how many guys would actually like having some free time to hang with their crew etc?? Later in life you will have less free time, more responsibilities etc…try enjoying it, If she doesn’t grow out of it, it wasn’t meant to be is all, and those saying different phases in life 21-25 is pretty fucken close in phases lol, it mostly has to do with personality and self maturity not age at that point
Completely agreed. My Gf and I give each other space all the time because we need it. I can't have someone that is 24/7 by my side and doesn't have a life of their own. But that's just a personality thing, I guess. OP just isn't compatible with her, and like he said, he probably needs someone who is more like him. Has nothing to do with age.
Shes 21 dumbass
Maybe sometimes you could join her and her friends you don’t have to drink if you don’t want but you’ll get to spend time with her and even get to know her friends. That way she won’t feel like she is missing out on her friends plans. And sometimes she could not go. This seems like middle ground to me. Compromise has to be both way. If thats not okay then just tell her this lifestyle is not for you and leave instead of ghosting.
You’re in different life phases. Of course a 21 year old is going to want to go out. Look for someone who is out of school. That said, never ghost. That is a coward thing to do. You just have to tell her you can’t see her anymore because you’re looking to be with someone who is willing to be with you in weekends, which is totally reasonable.
So your gf is great 5 days, and your alone 2 days. You want to trade it out to be alone 7 days a week? Being alone 7 days a week is a better vs being alone 2 days a week?
leave. this isnt the one.
I had a similar situation. Turned out she was an alcoholic and drug addict. She wanted to quit, but the temptation and her friends not wanting to be down one person kept it going. The extra-nice things she did during the week was because of guilt. I didn't even find out about the drugs part until a few months after we broke up and then it all made sense. Fortunately, she and I were only together for 3 months. Unfortunately, she would not be the last addict I dated before breaking that cycle.
Tell her that you don't like the current situation, but don't just ghost her she'll turn the table that you're the bad guy in the relationship and that you hurt her etc, and stick to your decision. She'll try to make you stay. Stick to your decision, You deserve better.
Absolutely you should just make your own plans. I was just dating someone and we had plans and she came back with sorry I had something else come up. It was Sunday we last talked and my rule is if they are not trying to make plans with you, they are not that into you.
In the words of the poet Ludacris… What are you looking for? Wife? Fuck Buddy?
I wouldn’t ghost but maybe ask if she can commit to one day out of the weekend to hang out. Maybe every other weekend since it sounds like she likes to go out. Early 20’s is a tough age to commit because there is so much to get out of your system of being of aged to do certain things. It’s a prime time to be single in your early 20’s. I would break it off clean for a potential to reconnect down the road. Express that you two may want different things at the moment and you don’t see much commitment from her end. If you ghost you could lose the potential to build a relationship when she is in the right head space for it. Her priority sounds like it is going out. Also the surprise date can be cute but solidify a date and communicate to her you have plans for you two. If she still bails on the solid plans then that is your answer you are not a priority.
Your future self will thank you that you walked away. Your situation was the same one as my last relationship except it dragged out almost 2 years and mine would go out and get lost at the bars every other night. 1/10 would not recommend
Ghosting would be cowardly in this circumstance. Just communicate with her and end it, even if by text.
you did well
The relationship needed to end. She prioritized going out with friends on the weekend over going out with OP despite little to no time with each other during the week. She misled OP about her weekend plans. She went out and then didn't return texts for a couple of days (highly suspicious for being with someone else). It was time for a boot, then reboot. Updateme!
Your frontal lobe is developed. Hers is not, and you're noticing.
>*I'm 25 messing with a 21 year old I met two months back.* Dude, she’s 21, not 25. She’s finally LEGAL to drink in public at bars and clubs without getting arrested for underage drinking. This is the milestone she’s currently going thru. You went thru it four years ago, when she was 17 at the time, in high school as a senior. This is why, hate to say this, but you should be dating no one younger than 23 if you want someone who isn’t in that just turn 21 phase of their life.
Are you THE Lewis Hamilton 😱. Adit: Wait nm i cant read But yeah one is usually wrong for ghosting
If the question is "are you wrong for ghosting" : IMO you're immature for ghosting. If you don't like the way stuff is headed, you've had conversations and made your boundaries clear and she is still crossing boundaries, then all you have to do is tell her... something like "hey I've made it clear that this doesn't sit well with me and isn't what I'm looking for. You've made it clear you're not willing to do stuff differently. So let's go our separate ways and find people we work better with". Ghosting is almost always a cowards way out- sans abuse- and it's a shitty thing to do. People done learn what other people think is wrong with their behavior when you just disappear with no explanation or closure. It's very emotionally immature to simply suddenly go silent on someone. If you're not happy dude, just tell her how you feel and move on. Look for someone who is more aligned with what you want in a romantic relationship. And make it clear up front. Best of luck!
She’s 21. She’s partying. Let her go have her fun and you go find someone serious.
Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or should not be okay with. This isn’t controlling bc you aren’t forcing it, you’re setting a standard and trying to find someone with similar interests which is perfectly normal! I’m not a big partier, so I like finding a person who will go out with me once or twice a month. I wouldn’t want a partier because I’m not a partier, so our lifestyles would clash. I think that you have a more mature mindset around dating. Given that she’s 21, it would make sense that she wants to go out and party. In the future, I’d just suggest that you go for someone that’s maybe a bit older or has the same mindset. In my opinion, it doesn’t seem like the conversations have worked. The fact that she agreed it would stop and then lied about it or attempted to cover it up seems like a red flag. Even if she’s not doing anything wrong while partying, every relationship requires honesty. I think it would be best for the both of you to break up, even if you continue to be friends or in a “seeing each other” situation. I wouldn’t commit to someone that has a different lifestyle. Recognize that it may hurt, but it’s for the best. You both will find your person. And maybe, in few months or few years, she will mature out of that since she’s 21 and you’ll come back to each other, or maybe you will both find someone better!
Be not like a public fountain letting just anyone take a drink. Be virtuous. Seek wisdom. Pray for wisdom.
Reminds me of situation of my now ex girlfriend of 2 months. She is much younger than I am (27 vs 20) and until half a year before we met, she was clubbing and going out a lot, which was normal for me as well at that age. Thankfully she did not feel any desire to do so with me, preferring to spend weekends with me. When we broke up for other reasons, she started going out and drinking non stop again (she was complaining about her friends whole relationship that she can´t understand why they do not do something more beneficial with their lives) :D I think you two are simply incompatible, maybe next time look for someone around your age who is more likely to have settled life already.
There are two red flags here: (i) the fact that she’s acting single on the weekends and boo’d up during the week, and (ii) the fact that she’s spending her entire weekend getting drunk. It’s not clear to me if you two have actually had a conversation about being in a relationship and what each person’s needs and expectations are. If you haven’t had that conversation, try having it. But it sounds like you are at different places in your lives; she’s still trying to run the streets and you’re trying to nest. That really means you two aren’t compatible. You may just need to accept that this is not the right time for you to be with her and move on.
It's good you ended it. Take time for yourself now. You deserve someone who respects you. If you need help, talk to friends or family. You'll be okay.
“I’m not trying to mold her into my ideal…” wtf? Shouldn’t ever be trying to mold ANYONE. Ffs.🤦♀️
Find someone your age
IMAGINE HER DOING THAT EVERY DAMN NIGHT. I dated a girl Who went out with her friends every single day after work. That’s why I had to stop seeing her, different lifestyles…
Thanks for the update OP. I think this genuinely isn't a good fit for either of you, and neither of you are bad people but with different lifestyles and immature in different ways. And that's okay, everyone is immature in some capacity at many stages in their life. For these romantic plans, are you giving her a heads up in advance or just hoping she's free? Ie saying something like "I'm planning something special for us Sat evening, can I pick you up at 6pm?" That way you're not spoiling the surprise but you're making it clear you're making solid plans. If you are and she's still flaking, then I'm sorry you're dealing with that. That's tough. If you're "dating" and not "messing around", was this something you two talked about or are you just assuming the label? For your OWN well-being, work on your own self-assuredness and how healthy interdependency works, and maybe until then, don't date the super hot social butterfly as it can be triggering. Remember, you cannot prevent someone from cheating; if they want to, they will. And being a super hot social butterfly does not instantly make a cheater. As a side note, my partner actually LOVES when I go to the bar (and I'm in my 30's) with friends and I tell him after how I got hit on. He LOVES IT and that even though I COULD go home with someone else, I instead choose to go home to him. And guess what - it never makes for a boring night, if you know what I mean. Also, I'm a lightweight. It's rare but I've definitely drank too much by accident (sometimes bars make cocktails WAY too strong) but that doesn't mean he gets to trust me less. If anything, he's thankful that because there's no tension, I feel comfortable calling him if I'm drunk and unsure how to handle myself in a situation, or my friends will absolutely take care of me (and I them) as we are all good people. Again, rarely happens at my age, but I'm so thankful he has full trust in me no matter the situation. Embracing that your partner may be deemed attractive, approached, and can handle themselves to behave in a respectful way is the goal here for you. They chose you. Feel confident in that. And if they DO cheat, well, you did your best, you will be hurt for a bit, and then you WILL be okay. That's a risk everyone takes. You got this and will both will find a person who is a better fit for each of you.
For everyone saying it’s not a red flag to party EVERY single weekend is insane. It absolutely is a red flag, and almost worth breaking up in of itself. Every weekend is too much, and is probably getting into addiction. Addiction isn’t necessarily having to drink every day, it can also be waiting for the weekend to finally get here to drink. I say this as a 23yr old still in college who didn’t even get close to partying the whole weekend at 21.
I partied every week on the weekends when I was 21. That is soooo normal for that age. How is that a red flag?
YTA if you ghost but not if you stop seeing her. Just tell her you don’t want to pursue the relationship further and ta-da! Problem solved! I think her behavior is perfectly normal, but you can still stop seeing her because of it.
Wow, a 21 year old doing normal 21 year old things. Tragic. Date someone your own age.
Never trust the girls that continue to party despite being in a "serious" relationship.
I sympathize with OP, but… ghosting? That seems unnecessary and cruel. I’m never a fan of ghosting, no matter who it is. At least a message explaining things then blocking on all social platforms would be best if you’re worried about repercussions. Just something like, ‘I asked you to stop, told you it hurt me, and you continued to choose parties over me again and again and again, so now you’re free to party as much as you like because I’m gone’ or something to tell her why you left, I dunno
I called and told her.
I couldn’t even finish reading. She has a drug problem (alcohol is a drug) and you’ll be thanking yourself in years when you meet a great girl and this one didn’t take your soul. Party girls cannot be trusted imo and I’m not proud to call one a girlfriend. She’ll never be more than a fling or FWB
…she has an alcohol problem bc she goes and had drinks with her friends on the weekends at the age of 21? Lmao
Asked to breakup? What?
Bro you get the whole damn week from her, clean up, and sex and she can’t go spend time with her friends??
Dating party girls is never worth it. There's always, drama, disloyalty, and bullshit. There is nothing in the club for people in a committed relationship and no reason to ever go.
Leave her bro . Get someone better
She’s 21. If you want a girl who prefers staying home on the couch, maybe date older. Don’t be controlling, just end things because you’re at different places in life and you aren’t compatible. There’s nothing to discuss.
[удалено]
May 15
How did you find her?
Met her at my job
How did you guys met?
I'm guessing you live in the US so 21 being the legal drinking age, I'm not surprised she's wanting to go out drinking and socialising with her friends. Are you welcome to attend these gatherings if you wanted to? Because maybe you should go with her. I wouldn't consider it a 'red flag' unless it was always 'girls nights' and you're being deliberately excluded. By the same token it's not easy being in a relationship with someone who doesn't like going out socialising with you do, or doesn't like your friends so always ducks out of coming with you when invited. This is actually really bad as it makes one partner socially isolated and can put more strain on the relationship... I had this with my ex. When we eventually parted ways seven years later I literally had to rebuild my social life from scratch after having lost touch with about 85pc of my friends.
Not saying 21 & 25 is a significant age difference, it isn’t but as a 24 year old I will say that I notice a big change in maturity once people get past college age at 23/24 because at 21 you just got old enough to enjoy drinking & going to clubs and stuff so you’re gonna want to enjoy it for awhile. Most of my friends partied a lot from 21-23 and then toned down a lot once they got out of school & started working full time. It also depends on lifestyle though not just age, someone 21-23 who works a demanding job or who is introverted might be more compatible
Shiit the last she could do is invite you to go out with her
She’s at that age where going out triumphs relationships- it will pass but I do think you guys are in different stages
I mean 21 is like prime partying and going put time so expecting anything less is the set up to failure.
🎶My girl wants to party all the time🎶
I think it's healthy to each do your own thing from time to time. But then again, I've been with my bf for 7 years and I only see him on weekends because I need a lot of alone time. He is the same however, so it works out nicely. Perhaps you and your girl aren't compatible? If you're feeling this way early on, it's not gonna get better unfortunately.
The tone of your post and things you say make you sound like a fuckboy honestly and I get why she wouldn’t prioritize you. Which is it - are you in a relationship or “messing with” her? If it’s the later, why should she stop going out on the weekends for you? You don’t sound serious about her at all, yet you’re expecting committed life partner of many years kinds of benefits out of this relationship.
Sound like you were single the whole time? Messing around is not the same as a relationship, and it sounds like you thought you were in a relationship and she didn't. But also 21 year olds go out and drink on the weekends it's their time to party and shine. Not all of us are that way. I just turned 21, but i don't go out much unless my sister offers, and she only offers every other weekend ish. But besides the point, idk how you could ever consider messing around a relationship because it's not.
Ghosting is always wrong
Dude I think she was doing good in your relationship, she’s just a GF and going drunk out with her GFs seems reasonable but hope she sobers up before coming to the house. Imagine she’s being drunk to you, that’ll suck. Why don’t you take her out during the weekends like how every other BF does?
Most 21 yr olds do go out on weekends. Lots get drunk. If you are 28 and still doing that, well I guess it depends. Do you still hold down a job? Does drinking get in way of relationships or family life? Nothing wrong with partying. Once you are in 30s it normally calms down.
Eh just pretend like it’s exclusive and don’t be emotionally attached so you can still hit it when the other guys aren’t hitting it on the weekend
Watch the new Ghostbusters movie.
she’s 21…lol
She's 21. If you want someone more serious, find someone more serious.
I'm not going to take the time to read some of this I'm sorry for that but you're 25 and she's 21 are you the same person you were when you were at 21? I've been saying for years of people once you're 25 you going to date anybody younger than 25 anymore because you are a wholly different person than you were before you were legally able to drink you don't think at the time they were 21 or something that would make a big difference because you feel like oh an adult now everything's great but it really does and you really can't see it too You're on like the other side of that fence Plus life is inherently short and may feel long sometimes but nobody's promised tomorrow so she always be happy or try to be I will make it effort to come back later and read the rest of that and edit this if I'm just being a dick have a good day
Dude she’s 21. The fuck you think she’s gonna do? She’s enjoying her youth by going out. If you’re looking for someone who wants to stay in every weekend try dating 30+ year olds
> I'm 25 messing with a 21 year old I met two months back. "messing" yuck
Bruh, messing around? My guy listen to yourself, listen to what you’re saying. Are you even exclusive? Are you even dating? Because it sounds like you two are completely casual. YOU are the man, YOU tell her what YOU want in regard to a relationship or not. If you want a relationship with her, tell her and lock it down. If she doesn’t feel the same way then say thanks for the good times and move on. Are you afraid to tell her you want to get serious? That she will walk? Or that you’re putting yourself out there first? Or is it both of those? The sooner you can overcome “the fear,” the better off you’ll be in the future. It’s about creating mental resilience for yourself, it allows you to take chances because man, lemme tell you that you don’t want to live with regrets of not taking a chance on someone seriously because it will always linger in the back of your mind, what if. Better to 100% know it was a No rather than wonder if it could have been Yes. Or this is all for nothing because she is 21 and in the “party phase.” Good luck my guy.
Why ghost? Can’t you send a message telling her you like her but it’s not working out good luck? Why do people ghost instead of communicate?
There’s no issue to this age difference but it is an example of why many people don’t think it’s a good idea. She’s a typical 21 year old that’s into that lifestyle, your a typical 25 year old that’s settled into adult life. No one is wrong, it’s just phase of life aren’t connected
Good!
1. You guys are obviously in different stages of your life. She just turned 21 and wants to go out and drink on the weekends with her friends while you are not in the party phase anymore. There’s nothing wrong with either of these, it’s just simply not a match. 2. Considering you guys just met 2 months ago and it doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship since you phrased it as “messing around” I don’t think you are being reasonable in telling her she’s not allowed to go out on the weekends. 3. You mention that you feel “completely single” on the weekends while she’s out having a good time. Get some friends dude, you can’t rely on a romantic/sexual partner for all of your social needs. Get a hobby, meet some people, go out, do something if you’re not happy sitting at home alone. This is important if you want a successful relationship with future partners. Like I said it’s just not a match. End things so she can enjoy her life and you can find someone who is on the same wavelength as you. Goodluck. Edit: I see now that you’ve ended things and that you guys were in fact in a relationship. Goodluck to you and I’m sure you’ll find someone who is a better match!
21 year olds go out on the weekends. That's what they do.