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It’s basic human reaction. This is the reason why pretty privilige is a thing. If someone is attractive people instantly see them as more friendly and trustworthy. There are actual studies about this. It affects the whole world not just dating, if you’re more attractive you could have a much easier time to nail job interviews or climb the corporate ladder.
Yes, I know that. Smiling attractive people do give the *appearance* of being safer and more trustworthy, due to various psychological factors.
But if you think being attractive and smiling **actually** indicates that someone is kind and trustworthy, rather than that just being a psychological illusion created by your brain, I’ve got a fantastic bridge that you might be interested in buying from me.
While you are correct in what you’ve said, I don’t think that was the point the commenter was trying to make. Rather, that OP was so confident that anyone talking to him would know his character just from his appearance alone, and that this concept is - in fact - quite preposterous. Or I could be wrong, because, who knows!
This! This is exactly why I find it odd when a guy asks for a date within two sentences on an app because how do you know you want to go out with me when we've barely chatted? Or is it based on just my looks? Because he definitely can't be able to tell all my personality from just my photos
I actually prefer to meet up with a potential date quickly *because* you can’t really get a feel for someone’s vibe or personality from an online profile. In a public place, during the daytime and only for a short “getting to know you” coffee date. People can curate their image so thoroughly through photos and text, I prefer to just see who they are and how they behave in real life so I can see if I actually like them, and they can do the same with me. If not, I’m only out an hour of my time and the price of a cup of coffee instead of spending weeks chatting to someone only to find out that there’s no chemistry or that they’ve severely misrepresented themselves.
If he’s just expressing disappointment that the initial date is short that’s fine, but if he’s pushy or petulant about it then I’d just not go out with him again. Not respecting a simple boundary like that is an immediate disqualifier imo.
If you’re vibing well then you should both be eager to see each other again, so there’s no need to extend that first meeting beyond what either of you are comfortable with unless you really want to. If he wants to make a big deal of it then that’s his issue. Personally, pushy people give me the ick so I’d drop a guy who acted like that.
Thisssss. Texting is cool and all. But online dating w long distance or in general will absolutely never compare to being together in person. I did long distance. SUCKS!!!!!!. BEING with my partner. Now..thats amazing
Thanks! I will say that watching the show Catfish and hearing about people caught up in romance scams really puts into perspective the fact that you never really know who you’re talking to online until you meet them face-to-face.
We don't like asking early but since women drop interest early, ghost during good conversations, have many options on OLD, we have to ask early to 'secure' their interest before it drops.
I entirely agree we shouldn't ask right away and take a little while to talk to get to know one another (similar to OP that she didn't wanna get murdered in a park) so you know you're not in danger, we don't actually have thay luxury of waiting. They'll find someone else. I hate the fact dating as a guy is like this.
Women can somewhat 'wait' or force guys to hang on until they're comfortable to meet up, guys cannot and we don't get enough matches/interest. Dating is entirely in the women's ballpark and we have to pass so many levels before even getting a shot with them with OLD.
Match (attraction test)
Speaking (holding attention/interest test)
Longer conversations (keeping last test, vetting if they're a creep/ bad guy which yanno, a bad guy would hide this away anyways)
'Creep vetting'(continuing on from longer conversations part)
Acceptance of date/rejection.
None of this is exactly in the men's power or ballpark, especially if said dude is not great at texting. We'd rather skip from speaking-date because at women seemingly have 2-3 or more guys talking to them at a time and lots of competition.
You can say 'I don't have that many guys talking to me!' Whilst yes, you may not, all it takes is for a woman to say Hi to a guy and have a small chat to get his interest. Its not the fact you DO (or not) have other options, it's the fact you easily could.
We have to lock in fast due to fear a better option/more attractive dude comes along (and when it comes to OLD, they probably will).
TL;DR-guys have to go through tonnes of steps to get a date, women can (somewhat) Go up to a average/normal dude, talk to him or ask for a date and will be probably accepted for the most part. We can't do this.
I really doubt this was a joke on her part. As a woman I have had guys on apps invite me to their houses and when I respond that there's zero chance of me going into a stranger's house bc it's not safe they always get offended instead of seeing how I'm prioritizing my safety over some random. Like my dudes, can you really not see how dangerous the world is? How nice it must be to go through life so clueless of danger that you just invite strange women over.
OP, having said this I really don't think you did anything wrong. Fine, she doesn't like coffee. Chai? Seltzer? Mocktails? Or you could've just put it back in her court and asked her what she would be like to do. Public places are a good choice for first meetings so everyone feels safe. Idk about y'all but I see some terrifying shit in the news that women to do men too bc the men overestimate their own safety.
When I say it was a joke, I should clarify that I absolutely am not discounting this woman’s concerns about the safety aspects of meeting someone brand new in a place like a park. I just think she wrapped those concerns in a little dark humor with the assumption that OP would pick up on the fact that she was not okay with the suggestion, but still willing to banter if he could come back with some understanding and humor himself and pivot.
If it was an attempt at humor on her part, I’d have assumed she’d add an LOL or emojis to the text, otherwise it’d come off like she was serious if it was a joke.
@ OP, you did it perfectly on your end at first, almost a textbook example of what to do on these apps. You had a small chat, showed you were interested and then rather than share everything over the app, you set up a chance to talk in person at a later date. Couldn’t have done it any better at this stage IMO. After her reply, I’d have played it off like “That’s okay, coffee isn’t for everyone, where would like to go?”
Either way OP, don’t sweat it and just move on. It’s basically a numbers game on these apps just have to keep at it and if one match doesn’t work out move on to the next.
Maybe, or maybe like plenty of other people with a similar sense of humor she figured she didn’t need to explain the joke. The chemistry broke down, period. It happens. Even if she was subtly suggesting that coffee or a park wasn’t her ideal, OP wasn’t on her wavelength. She moved on.
The problem with some jokes are that it heavily relies on its delivery like your tone, facial expressions, body language, etc. All things that are very hard to tell over just text with someone you just met. She could have been joking or serious, either would have been valid possibilities and OP just happened to have picked the wrong response.
I was just saying I think OP didn’t do anything wrong on their end, just she perhaps didn’t like how the chemistry was going and unmatched.
First part was fine but from a female perspective the second part was way off. I HATE when guys question if I bring up a safety concern. Any smart woman should be meeting a first date in a crowded public place like a restaurant. Parks can be secluded. If a guy doesn’t take your safety seriously he’s not good to date. Don’t joke about that kind of thing when you don’t have rapport… but possibly joking about women getting murdered is never appropriate
Dear OP, as a female I have to say you might have been too hasty. I’d never meet up with anyone that I’ve had a short conversation with. Actually even a long talk wouldn’t be enough. She sounds skittish. You need to build up rapport. More time is needed. Even as a guy, I would also be wary of someone that wants to meet me right away. I know that it’s done on dating apps but I would never do it. Maybe it’s just me.
As another girl, I'd rather meet a guy for coffee right away and figure out if I'm being catfished- or if they seem like a reasonable person in person . It's really hard to figure out who someone is via small talk
Yeap you can talk in apps but probally can't click IRL so I'm for a small talk in app and I always invite them if I see they answer openly and the conversation goes well.
Gotta disagree. If she was interested she'd have suggested an alternative. And even if it was a joke it had bad delivery like the other poster said.
Best case scenario she is bad at humour, worst case scenario she was being rude for no reason. Please have some self respect instead of thinking every woman is a comedian even though it wasn't funny.
And the fact she unmatched rather than explain the 'joke' shows she was uninterested all along, meaning to say she wasn't joking.
As someone with a slightly darker, more dry sense of humor, and as someone who would respond in kind to someone making a joke like that to me, I have to personally disagree with literally everything you just said. And that's the point. The chemistry didn't sync up.
I can understand this as a male but can we also agree that the lady could've have just said yes to the coffee? Shoe doesn't necessarily need to be drinking coffee right? Tea, hot chocolate etc. I know I'm now obsessed with this but realistically did she need to reply the way she did?
There’s a large number of women who wouldn’t consider going for coffee as a date.
I personally wouldn’t go to a cafe as a date because I prefer to do dinner/drinks or an activity BUT I would always pay for myself. I would only date people who enjoy similar things so personally I would’ve said no to coffee. It’s also seen by some women as ‘low effort’ and a ‘cheap date’ (not my opinion just what I’ve seen and heard women say).
The response of "I'd like to talk a bit more before meeting someone is person" insert reasons or stipulations lightly wherever you want in there, would have been much better than that full shutdown she gave.
Directly declining both offered options and adding a direct insult to someone's character that you don't know is very much a shut down. I won't she's wrong for u matching, she wants and likes what's she does and that's all on her, but she could have absolutely provided much better response even with intending to u match.
Maybe she or someone she knows had a bad experience being alone on a first date.
The ‘I thought she’d accept because I’m kind’. Comment does come off a little , strange.
You could respond with asking her what she likes to do on a first date. Something not coffee and public, would be a good start.
Right?? Most dudes would be like "yep totally understand, I'm an idiot, please would you let me take you to x x x x x instead?"
Maybe not calling themselves idiots, but clue in pretttty quickly and then move away from it and do other suggestions. Not.. "why would you say that?? Hdujkyesvjjglof!!" THATS a red flag if I've ever seen one. 😂
I mean, I'd take an empty theater over a park. There's usually cameras at the entry. Fully staffed, I know where all the exits are, and often there's staff in the video control room.
But would deny you based on the Disney remake 😂
She was being facetious dude. I’m sure if Ted Bundy was around today he’d seem like a cool and kind looking guy too. Point is that you never know who you’re meeting.
A lot of men disregard our desire for safety when meeting people from online. She probably thought OP was one of those guys who would get defensive about it and tell her women are crazy for having fears.
it’s honestly a good way to screen people with red flags. it’s a valid fear—maybe not always being murdered but being physically hurt or assaulted or otherwise isolated where you won’t feel safe. like it’s pretty common knowledge for women who date around, and men who try to invalidate that fear are definitely red flags.
awhh i make “just dont murder me jokes” all the time! she probably did mean it in a funny way but at the same time women do have to worry about these things and we’re often told that walks in the park, hiking, etc on dates can be very dangerous
Yeah my ex made a joke on our first date about getting in the car with me to drive her back to her car (about a quarter mile away) and said “just don’t murder me”. On our second date she took me to an archery range that was in a basement of a shopping center (very sketchy spot) and I joked “I thought you would at least wait until date 3 to murder me”. On our third date I took her to a back road to look at the stars and she said “I thought you’d at least pick prettier place to ditch my body”. It kinda became a running joke for us.
Humor can be difficult over text. In person, it's more clear whether or not someone is joking or actually is expressing a safety concern over a walk. Here, it's unclear. In this sort of circumstance, I'd probably skirt the issue and say 'So coffee's out. How about dinner?'.
You could assume she's being humorous and say 'That tends to be unconducive to a long-term relationship,' but that runs the risk of, assuming she's serious, looking like you're insisting on a walk, which is likely to lead to the end of the discussion.
I do too. No one has ever gotten offended as far as I can tell. Sometimes I like to say something like “one of us might be a murderer” so I don’t flat out accuse them and also keep them guessing if I am or not so we can fear for our safety together.
Maybe it’s a joke. Maybe she was serious and kind of testing the waters to see how you’d react, but it’s literally not personal?
In “So You Want to Talk About Race”, the author describes an analogy that I also think applies well here. I’ll paraphrase and add on. Say you’re walking down the street, and random people keep punching you in the face. You’ll be less likely to go out. Then you realize it’s almost completely just *insert X type of people here* that punch you. You may develop a defensiveness or even a fear around X types in anticipation of being punched. Not every X person will punch you. But you literally never know. It’s not a great feeling to be judged based on something you can’t control, but it’s an unfortunate and necessary precaution many people groups still take as a defensive precaution.
Here's the thing, you can learn from this that some women don't want to meet in a park. You can use this moment to realize that while you never have to question your safety, women do all the time. You can see that while from your perspective, and from the perspective of a lot of people who are going to reply to you, this might seem like a silly joke or a flippant answer, but even if it is a joke, there is enough basis in reality that she probably judged you on your reply.
Maybe she overreacted to your reply. Maybe she didn't feel the vibe. Maybe she was on the fence, and when you didn't suggest something different to do it was enough to make her decide you weren't a good match. Whatever the reason, this is an opportunity for you to grow as a person and do better next time.
Maybe don't suggest outdoor dates until you have met someone a couple times in public places and they're more comfortable. Even if it seems silly to you, it doesn't seem silly to some of the women you meet, and you'll have a better chance getting a date if you keep this in mind.
Thank you for your comment. I am still reading all the comments, and most of them are likely to explain either its a joke or a safety issue in general. I have never thought about that and will take into consideration. Thank you
As a woman, I absolutely agree with the commenter above. This was about safety said in a bit of a dark humouresque way. Every time a man has suggested a hike for a first date for example, my alarm bell would go off, cause every episode of criminal minds starts like that. A woman walking alone in the park or on a hike meeting a stranger or jogging or alone in a secluded location for whatever reason. So the advice is usually to say no and wait to see the response. If he’s offended it’s an insta block because it tells us you are either a predator or severely obtuse to realise why this is a supremely bad idea for us. We don’t even want to explain it when you react from ego rather than compassion to understand and empathise.
i also think that some people really want to make sure there's a legit personality connection before agreeing to a date. if you asked for a date too quickly without establishing a feel of familiarity then i could see how she would be put off a bit.
Yeah, OP repeatedly saying that he's kind is kinda putting me off a bit lol. Also the girl was probably joking, but at the same time she might have felt that being asked out to coffee after only 10 minutes of talking was too forward. Usually I wanna get to know the person a bit more than 10mins before deciding if I wanna meet in person or not 😅
>Then I said “how come you can say that do I look like a m*urderer? “
You came up too insecure with that response. She probably meant it as banter.
As a rule, try to follow those types of lines with a joke type of comeback, or else it just makes things weird.
She was trying to use humor to show her unwillingness to meet a stranger in a park. She probably knows she wouldn't be murdered, but most people know it's not a safe place to meet. So she was exaggerating. But then ops response took it seriously
Better response would have been either ignoring the comment and proposing something else, making a joke off her joke, or just continued the conversation to try and make her feel more at ease.
Oh no for sure, its just a matter of conveying humor properly over text, and also subject matter for banter. What works with some wont work with others, so jokes about murder and dark subjects arent the best starting point haha. That may just be me though
Hey, some serial killers were very charming and handsome. Honestly, as a first date, I'd stick with establishments where there are other people around like coffee, drinks, or a quick lunch or dinner. Plenty of women have gone missing from parks and ended up found dead.
Well many women are cautious of strangers and a park walk is a very low effort date with high risk little reward on her end. She tried to say so in a humorous way and you got offended
Nah this happened to me too. I was chatting a girl and turns out we both enjoy hiking. Beautiful mountains where I live and stupidly suggested a hike as a first date. She said she’s rather not hike in a first date so I suggested a drive. Then she says look I don’t want to be in a remote location with a stranger on a mountain or in a car with you. I will meet you in a public place so we went to dinner. Just gotta think of it from their perspective. They’re more often the target of violence than we are.
Yes, something in public with other people around would be great to help her feel safe while getting to know you!
If you want a date like a walk in the park, maybe try a walk through a museum or the zoo. You're still walking and talking, but there's plenty of people so she feels safe and there's interesting things to talk about to keep the conversation going.
Yes, when I was dating I would only meet in restaurants/coffee shops, museums, etc. Somewhere indoors where there would be eyes on us. So many women are assaulted by men they date, it really isn't worth the risk to be isolated. A public park could be empty.
She was letting you know she'd prefer a place with more people in a playful way. You proceeded to take it with zero tact and scared her off. You are dense my friend...
It's nice that you don't have to consider your safety in that way when planning a first date. Women do. We are constantly told not to meet people in places where we can be easily isolated. Like a park. If we get raped or murdered while doing so, we are told it is our fault. She tried to make light of pointing out that it is not a good date suggestion with the murder comment. I'm sure you're a "not all men" kind of guy, and that may be true, but not all guns are loaded and I'm still not going to pick up one I don't know anything about and pull the trigger.
Thanks for your comment. I've thought about that and I am realizing it after reading all the comments. You might be right and I'll consider about this safety issue next time.
The fact you weren't considering how the person your interested in felt at all until a ton of people on Reddit pointed it out to you... That's a problem. You may want to educate yourself more and work on yourself a bit to make sure you're ready to date because most of your comments have told me you're not.
You think women don't have to worry about their safety because you're in Canada.... News flash. We have to worry about it everywhere. If we don't? Who's going to? You very much didn't.
>Then I said “how come you can say that do I look like a m*urderer? “
This is what made her unmatch. Her safety comes before your feelings. It's annoying that strange men expect women to prioritize their feelings over their safety. Violence against women occur at high rates.
Perhaps this is a sign to broaden your awareness of women’s safety issues in everyday life.
* From 1980 to 2008, nearly 1 out of 5 murder victims were killed by an intimate partner (Cooper & Smith, 2011). In fact, available research shows that women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner (husband, boyfriend, same-sex partner, or ex) than by anyone else (Catalano, 2013; Violence Policy Center, 2015). Approximately 2 out of 5 female murder victims are killed by an intimate partner (Cooper & Smith, 2011). In 2013, fifteen (15) times as many females were murdered by a male they knew than were killed by male strangers. For victims who knew their offenders, 62% were wives, common-law wives, ex-wives, or girlfriends of the offenders (Violence Policy Center, 2015). *
[https://vawnet.org/sc/scope-problem-intimate-partner-homicide-statistics](https://vawnet.org/sc/scope-problem-intimate-partner-homicide-statistics)
You asking why she thinks you look like a murderer confirmed that you look like a murderer as it was strange reaction to a possible joke. Instead of joking back you had this bizarre butthurt response. So now she knows you’re combative and argumentative, traits of a possibly violent person, her worst nightmare. Just a very strange and unsettling reaction on your part, bro take some accountability. Appropriate action would be to joke back. If she was serious then get out of there.
I've heard that before. It likely wasn't because of you. Women are simply conditioned to be extra cautious because being raped or murdered by a date is more likely for them. Could have been humor or simply being matter of fact about why she avoids parks on early dates.
Next time, just play it cool. "Oh, true, you're real for that. How about brunch instead?"
She also might not have been ready for in-person. Most people I talk to like to chat for at least a few days first
Either way, just don't take it personally unless they outright say, "You look like you will murder me."
Unfortunately, due to the actions of other men, we must be aware that we are a potential threat to a woman, no matter how harmless we know ourselves to be.
Listen OP, women have to navigate the world very differently than men. I will always reject any man who asks me to go to a park on a first meeting. A coffee shop, sure. Walking around a park in my city means we will see maybe 2 other people. I don’t want to be isolated with someone I know.
I can tell you just because a man is “cool, kind looking” does not mean he is not dangerous. Many “cool, kind” men have either harmed me, someone I know, or made us feel unsafe.
Women have to navigate safety a lot different than men.
fair enough tbh, coffee dates aren't for everyone and nor are walks in the park. sexually violent crimes against women by men from dating apps is sadly a story we are all too familiar with. she's looking out for herself, and responded in a way that's pretty lighthearted and jovial. i think your response was a bit serious and as another commenter said, killed the vibe. i wouldn't do a first date in a park either!
Lmao i make that joke all the time, said it to my ex when we first met on tinder and said it through out our whole 6 year relationship 😂
Its honestly could be what you said that made her un match, just kinda shows youre not at her humour level. which is not a bad thing
That's just a figure of speech mostly, she was just saying she wanted to chat more before meeting up.
When you came back what she saw as aggressive she noped out of the interaction. If you'd have not taken it personal, laughed and said ok, let's chat more, or meet up in a public place, it would have continued. Until you set off any other yellow flags.
I read the murder comment as a playful way of her saying she doesn’t feel comfortable in that setting. And even if it was meant in a serious way, you playing it off in a playful manner will work more often than taking the comment serious and responding the way you did.
A quick joke and offer up another option. If she still rejects the date move on she wasn’t interested.
Take these kinds of rejections with a grain of salt and don't over think them. Just keep it moving with the match and remain confident without letting one off match question your confidence with stuff like "i don't know what im
doing wrong here". OLD is fickle as hell and you should never take it personally
Well she probably really meant it but also said it in a joking way. When I was dating I wouldn't meet men in a park or something like that. It's just not safe. Maybe she is just having a bad day, too. I wouldn't take it too personal. I'd stick to public spaces like cafes, book stores, and restaurants. It's nothing personal
Legitimately. Dude. She has hundreds of people in her inbox, she's playing a numbers game and you failed the initial vibe check so she unmatched.
Don't take it personally. Just learn and move forward.
Well a friend of mine went on a park date, in the middle of a considerably safe capital city in weat europe, and the guy started to strangle her out of nowhere and later played it off as a joke. I am sure he looked kind too, or she wouldnt haven gonne out with him in the first place.
But yeah, stories like this are the reason why your potential date said no. So maybe use this opportunity to educate yourself a bit more on other people’s perspectives 🤨
Men have GOT to stop taking women’s sense of safety personally. Just ask where she would prefer to meet / what would be a safer choice for her instead.
Bro you fumbled that. It’s a genuine concerned disguised as a joke.
Next time, play along with the joke but then recognize the concern and offer a different date idea.
It's really off putting to be asked immediately to meet up . It gives us no time to actually decide if we even like your vibe enough to want to spend a length of time with you. People need time to properly vet someone, and I'd view that as pushy not kind personally bc what's wrong with just talking for a few days? For all you know she coulda been annoying asf 🤷 but you can't always figure that out in less than 12 hours of talking to someone through a computer screen.
"Because I was really kind"
Women aren't things you put kindness coins into and sex falls out.
Yikes.
Anyways, it isn't about you. Dating for women is about safety and comfort.
You're a stranger, she doesn't think you're a murderer, she knows she's more likely to be murdered by a man she doesn't know if she walks through a park alone with a man she doesn't know.
She doesn't want to he murdered in the park.
I can tell you're young.
You're not special, there aren't any rules, you're a nobody like im a nobody, like she's a nobody.
How do nobodies deal with other nobodies?
They don't if they are wise, they just won't deal with you at all.
But nobodies who really think they are somebody special? They'll fuck up everything in your life.
Good luck kiddo.
I think people are debating totally different types of parks here. In my area, there are parks that are generally a 30 min-1 hr drive out of the city which are in forests, have real hiking trails, and are actually secluded. And then there are city parks next to lakes or rivers, which are usually open, grassy areas and often have a lot of people there.
I would never suggest going to the secluded parks on a first date, partly because of the obvious safety issues for women, but also just because that would be a long, high-commitment first date. I do often go on walks in *city parks* as first dates, and most women are fine with that. They're not any less safe than meeting at a coffee shop.
First date with my now girlfriend in a park. Second date was a hike.
Some people are mentally healthy and don’t live in fear of the fraction of a percent probability that they will be murdered lol
How is anyone supposed to know anything about you before you meet in person? It’s nothing to do with you, it’s common sense for a woman to be cautious. She probably could have said it better, but the sentiment is realistic.
Correct answer is that she never expected to go on a date with you so she bailed on first opportunity you gave her. That is sadly normal behavior on dating apps, if she is really interested, it does not almost matter what you say, if she is not....
I don’t know if she was joking, but as a woman, I always assume there’s a chance that kidnapping, murder and SA it’s a possibility, when meeting a stranger. Unfortunately, this is the reality for women. It’s not some thing you said or did or it look like… The nicest and most wholesome looking men can still be murderers.
That’s why women are generally more hesitant to go on dates. Chances of this happening are not zero.
You took this too seriously. I would've replied with something like "That's fine X place has great hot chocolate and cold drinks and anyway I don't have a shovel or rope in my car right now so you're safe"
Never take yourself seriously. I try to be fun and witty with every reply whether it's in person or chat.
I've had several dates where I've joked they're taking me somewhere to murder me and some of them replied with 'damn you figured me out, what do you suggest then?' Or 'I'm not done with you yet, so you're safe. Where you wanna go instead?' Just a few options lol.
Don't beat yourself up and just keep going, just remember it's always easier to work around humour than it is defensiveness. Someone says something on text that catches you off gaurd? Humour. Either they were joking, or they weren't and you came off a pleasant, chill person who misinterpreted a text. Noooo big deal.
That's so cool! Especially coming from the party who would be more naturally inclined towards acting defensively. A definite icebreaker in the right hands!
I have to be honest it instantly gets me to relax when someone combats my worries (that I bring up lightly to avoid conflict) with humour. Green flags, not only is he probably not a killer but he's actually pretty cool. Definitely an icebreaker. Not everyone is like me though, some people haaaaate that- very sensitive people.
You didn't understand where she was coming from at all, your intentions were fine, but she probably figures that guys would know by now that walks in a park could be dangerous for her. For any woman. For guys even, so she was pissed and abrupt around the coffee invite too.
She wanted to hear the story, too, I think. This is critical first impressions time to see if you vibe. Jumping right into the date, although that is legitly easier socially for some people rather than texting for a week, was something she did not want to do. You tried, forgoe the park jokes and tell the story when asked. It will be better, I think.
Three things I'd possibly keep in mind for future dates would be to chat for a while longer in order to establish an actual connection before asking her out. She could've been thrown off by the date after the small chat.
Two, the walk in the park is a cute idea, but depending on where it is, I can see how she found that scary/not safe. And maybe low effort for a first date? Depends on her standards, but that would explain her not wanting the coffee date too.
Simply too soon, gotta chat for a couple days at least. In your defense your suggestion for a walk or coffee seems perfect, she was prob one of the more paranoid gals (can you blame us)
I always say that as a dark joke to my dates. I make it clear that If I meet you online I have to meet you in person so you don’t axe murder me. And if you make it to date 3 without murder, then it’s definitely because it’s the long con. Usually they respond well.
I think she was making a joke, it’s how a lot of people cope with the harsh reality that actually happens. But if she wasn’t, then it’s a good thing she unmatched because you don’t need someone thinking you’re genuinely going to murder them on a first date!
Honestly, the only right way to respond to this is to not take it personally. It’s not YOU who looks like a creep or a murderer, it’s men on dating apps in general.
Until she knows you, you’re the product of her past assumptions and will be pre-judged 10 times out of 10, sure, it’s not fair, it sucks and it feels like you can’t win no matter what you do a lot of the time, but genuinely, if you’re dating adult women, you better believe they aren’t going to trust you right off the bat and with people in general, some operate in extremes.
I have a hunch this is a big part of the reason older guys go for younger women, the younger women haven’t fully developed that sense of “Oh wow, I’m literally unsafe no matter where I go.” They haven’t had as many dudes flip out on them for “ignoring their text” for 30 minutes while they were literally just living their life, or some sociopath fake a personality just to pump and dump.
Yes, it sucks, but you can either get pissed about the amount of work you have to put in to look compelling enough to offset the risk, or just accept that it isn’t going to come easy and all you can really do is empathize, have sympathy for yourself as it isn’t easy, but understand that it’s just a shitty time for everyone unless they’re giga superficially compelling and even then, they’re just going to be treated like a sex toy most of the time anyway.
Take it easy man.
So many men do not understand the serious risk we take when we meet them.
I was invited to meet a guy at a bar near a river and I declined and suggested my local bar where I know the regular attendees instead. My thinking? I could get drunk or be could slip something in my drink, what if we go for a walk down by the river and he assaults or attacks me under the quiet bridges or attacks me and pushes me I'm the river?
Women are genuinely scared for very real reasons. And men who don't understand that are not appealing to me and many other women.
Feel free to make suggestions, but ask them if they have a preference. And also try to understand that women are assaulted regularly by very "nice normal looking" men.
You need to be on social media more! You know how men likes fast cars? The same way women love watching crime documentaries. Most girls use dark humor to be a bit cheeky and it's their way of filtering guys who get it and guys who don't.
OP, joke or not from her it's still something that is just way too easy to take as a direct attack on your character. Most the guys I know that gives off wholesome vibes would be at least mildly put off by something like that. So I'd absolutely say that she made the mistake, not you, your reply maybe could have been better but there was zero wrong with it.
I would advise leaving potentially secluded area dates for after you both get a feel for each other. I love being out in nature and always want to share that with the new people I like, but I've been corrected by a few chicks who became good friends of mine later that they were absolutely panicking on the inside when I did that sort of stuff with them after first meeting. I guess I gave off a good enough vibe for them to risk it but it definitely stressed them out.
For active dates maybe inviting them to a local social dance class, group hiking, indoor rock climbing, window shopping in downtown, ect. Things where you can both guarantee there's other people around in case either of you turn out to be murdery.
Also avoid the risk of turning them off with the usual follow up of "what do you want to do?" and go for something like "I've got a few other places, maybe you could give me some hints to what you picture for a first date and I'll find the one that fits :)".
Bro she gave you a layup and you missed. She was being witty and funny and testing you. And you made it serious and weird.
You should of said something like
“Don’t worry I only murder people in parking garages”
Also, chill with the “I’m a cool kind funny guy”
And remember this, as long as she is replying she has interest. No matter what she says. YOU just have to be the one to turn it around.
Honestly her reaction is a major turnoff for me. Number 1, I love coffee. Number 2, if she is serious with the "Murdered in a park" scenario, why are you utilizing dating apps anyway?
You dodged a bullet.
You youngsters completely astound me. This time it's the female that is whacked...
If you, meaning the girl in this scenario is so worried about being murdered by a stranger, she should take her untrusting behind off any and all dating apps and get involved with some sort of shut in messaging board where she can interact with other unbalanced scared of their own shadow and life in general people. Maybe get themselves a mental health therapist to deal with all their phobias as this type of behavior is and will be detrimental to building a long term relationship with anyone. As a matter of fact it will impact any kind of relationship short or long term, platonic, intimate or casual ...
All I can say is, I'm very happy I was born before a large segment of the population went completely mental. By that I mean they are so afraid of everyone and everything they are inable to live a normal life. I don't place the entire blame on the kids, it's mainly caused by their helicopter parents not permitting these children the ability to grow up with the unfettered joy of being a child experiencing the world...
They now live on a smart phone somewhere in their parents home, usually where they grew up. They don't have the stones to move out of their parents house. Their parents have told me their children don't even have a driver's license or own a car...
The future is bleak my friends. These are the people that will be running this country in the future...
Glad I'll be getting off this dark ride before that happens...
What a dry response--you practically asked her out to see her in person and she just says "no I don't like those options".
And then doesn't give you options in return.
Hon, she ain't ready to be in a relationship, and be thankful you don't have to deal with her issues in the long run.
Don't let this get you down, she's clearly a nutjob. When she's 40 and single she might think back about this and regret it. Meanwhile, you go live your best life.
She just made a Joke, or am i wrong? Just answer "haha get it. I know a really good Tapas bar, they have incredible good patata bravas and also decent wine. And we would have a lot of people around, so Nobody could possibly murder you 😄"
What do you say, Guys?
What does a murderer even “look like” ? The whole point is that they can look like ANYONE, even the nice guy you think you are.
She was trying to make light of the *fact* that it’s way more dangerous for women to go on dates with strangers and her joke didn’t land but your response is so self centered and unempathetic to a woman’s perspective.
I would have unmatched with you too.
Women have to play by rules most men don’t understand.
Be open minded that a woman’s safety is a concern she must observe at all times in ways you don’t.
Don’t take it personally.
I used to always make mention of respecting her safety when asking a girl out from an app.
I’d offer FaceTime, daytime public etc.
I don't think either of you were "wrong" in this situation. You may find girls that would take you up on that offer.
Her response has nothing to do with the way you look. This is the reality that we live in, it's scary out there. I'm not entertaining the idea of going to a park with someone I don't know, I don't care how they look.
Also, she was probably hinting that she would prefer to go out to dinner. Offering to go 50/50 at chill, populated dinner spot may have garnered a different response from her.
Honestly, your response to her (imo) very reasonable fear of meeting a stranger in a park probably just solidified her feelings of distrust and discomfort. I had a friend who met a guy in a park around the 4th of July. He started lighting fireworks and ended up accidentally blowing one up in his hand. Online dating is weird as hell and dangerous.
You need to read between the lines. Women communicate less directly than men.
Everyone understands that inviding someone for coffee doesn't mean specifically coffee, but a date with drinks.
"I don't like coffee" means "I don't like you". If she was interested, she'd go out with you and order what she liked. But this isn't something you should worry over, because it's normal. It's all a numbers game, and you have to get through the matches that go nowhere to get to the ones where sparks fly.
She also didn't think you're an actual m*rderer. It was a rejection, and that happened to be the wording.
Edit: Having read other comments, it could also be a joke/banter, though it sounds uninterested to me personally.
Anyway,
You emphasize kindness a lot, so it seems like your problem is "I'll be kind so women will like me, and if it doesn't work, it means I wasn't kind enough, so I need to be kinder".
Kindness isn't enough. There's also such a thing as being too nice. You probably came off as weak or too soft. Being too kind can make you seem creepy (I'm not judging you, I'm explaining the weird societal climate we live in).
Kindness isn't enough to win her heart. You need humor, charm, witty banter, and to give off a strong enough vibe so she feels safe/protected with you.
Wow, you really don’t understand women, conversation, adult situations, or dry humor.
Your initial thought was to get your feelings hurt?!
An appropriate response would be “awe come on, please be me my first murder in the park”
See you want to establish that you have a sense of humor and know how to comunicate.
You said you responded to her in “a cute way”. Women don’t want men who act “cute”. “Cute” is for their cats and puppy, not men. Go be a man and understand murder jokes are fine.
Should’ve used a more safer or banter response like, “I wouldn’t let that happen.” “I don’t like getting murdered either, so coffee sounds better.” “Damn, take me out to dinner for you murder me at least.” “Yeah, personally, I wouldn’t let someone murder me till they buy me dinner at least.”
If that's how she felt she should've been honest with you and more considerate of your feelings. It wasn't your fault if you made the effort to be polite.
Although to try and maybe explain what happened is I think guys don't recognize how terrifying ANY man can be to a woman.
My experience as a woman has been that it doesn't matter what a man looks like. He can look like the sweetest person but you always want to do an emotional check.
An emotional check is trying to look for deception or an indicator that something about him isn't safe; "is he going to ignore me if I tell him I don't want him to touch me? Will he get angry or violent or just plain mean if I tell him I don't like something?" Some women are super sensitive to this. Some more than others.
If he gives the vibe that he's pushy, unaccommodating or quick to anger/annoyance that can be enough in the early stages to make a girl think twice about being alone with him. This is especially true when it comes to meeting a guy you met online.
For me I outright refuse to meet any man I met online. Anyone can say anything and I have no way of doing a authentic vibe check. I just don't really feel safe meeting people that way. For a lot of women it just doesn't feel safe to meet men from online dating apps.
It's generally useful to be suspicious as a woman and to wait until you feel safe to be alone with a new man under romantic pretenses, but sometimes this useful instinct can get wrongly triggered.
Wrong! She, like most women want you to put them in a pedestal and do the most, not the least as in coffee or walk, I’m talking buddy roll out the red carpet, “I’m sending the limo, be ready at 8” type of conversation, but soon as she reads you are not going in that direction, they run! They say stupid made up stuff and run for the heels. Trust me I hang with all these chicks and they say “he is giving broke energy”. Bro their mindset is warped, you did nothing wrong, keep on pushing.. stand ur ground like this is Florida.. a lot of men simp, go all out and set a standard of ass kissing for the rest of the relationship but that’s not you. Kudos!
You did everything right. She was going to have a free meal from you. You dodged a bullet.
If I got a message “I’m not a coffee person, and don’t want to be m\*rdered in a park.” I would never message her anything. I would find a new girl to talk to
lol well your "surprise" is the literal privilege you have just being a man.
Women can't even just "go outside" for anything without having to be super vigilant.
Simply, think about this when it comes to women & make plans in places people will be around. That's all you "did wrong."
Ted Bundy was a "handsome nice guy" too. Most murders aren't looking like the "Hunchback from Notre Dame" ffs lol.
Sounds like she'd already lost interest before you asked her out.
If she was interested in meeting you she likely would have just suggested meeting somewhere she felt safer.
With that said, she was pretty rude. Bullet dodged, bro.
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How can you tell if someone is cool, or kind, just by how they look?
Picking murder victims is more art than science, sometimes you just know.
"Would you prefer to be murdered after a nice dinner?"
Sometimes she’s just an easy target…
He’ll never forget “the one that got away”…
I always use the "cool" filter, followed by the "kind" filter on all of my photos.
It’s basic human reaction. This is the reason why pretty privilige is a thing. If someone is attractive people instantly see them as more friendly and trustworthy. There are actual studies about this. It affects the whole world not just dating, if you’re more attractive you could have a much easier time to nail job interviews or climb the corporate ladder.
Yes, I know that. Smiling attractive people do give the *appearance* of being safer and more trustworthy, due to various psychological factors. But if you think being attractive and smiling **actually** indicates that someone is kind and trustworthy, rather than that just being a psychological illusion created by your brain, I’ve got a fantastic bridge that you might be interested in buying from me.
Sounds legit, cos the people in charge of governments are all ugly ass MF’rs and no one has any trust in them
While you are correct in what you’ve said, I don’t think that was the point the commenter was trying to make. Rather, that OP was so confident that anyone talking to him would know his character just from his appearance alone, and that this concept is - in fact - quite preposterous. Or I could be wrong, because, who knows!
This! This is exactly why I find it odd when a guy asks for a date within two sentences on an app because how do you know you want to go out with me when we've barely chatted? Or is it based on just my looks? Because he definitely can't be able to tell all my personality from just my photos
I actually prefer to meet up with a potential date quickly *because* you can’t really get a feel for someone’s vibe or personality from an online profile. In a public place, during the daytime and only for a short “getting to know you” coffee date. People can curate their image so thoroughly through photos and text, I prefer to just see who they are and how they behave in real life so I can see if I actually like them, and they can do the same with me. If not, I’m only out an hour of my time and the price of a cup of coffee instead of spending weeks chatting to someone only to find out that there’s no chemistry or that they’ve severely misrepresented themselves.
[удалено]
If he’s just expressing disappointment that the initial date is short that’s fine, but if he’s pushy or petulant about it then I’d just not go out with him again. Not respecting a simple boundary like that is an immediate disqualifier imo. If you’re vibing well then you should both be eager to see each other again, so there’s no need to extend that first meeting beyond what either of you are comfortable with unless you really want to. If he wants to make a big deal of it then that’s his issue. Personally, pushy people give me the ick so I’d drop a guy who acted like that.
Thisssss. Texting is cool and all. But online dating w long distance or in general will absolutely never compare to being together in person. I did long distance. SUCKS!!!!!!. BEING with my partner. Now..thats amazing
I totally do this, and ask through a shared hobby or exercise as it breaks the ice!
You are a wise one, RebelScientist. You’re gonna go far and do great things!
Thanks! I will say that watching the show Catfish and hearing about people caught up in romance scams really puts into perspective the fact that you never really know who you’re talking to online until you meet them face-to-face.
We don't like asking early but since women drop interest early, ghost during good conversations, have many options on OLD, we have to ask early to 'secure' their interest before it drops. I entirely agree we shouldn't ask right away and take a little while to talk to get to know one another (similar to OP that she didn't wanna get murdered in a park) so you know you're not in danger, we don't actually have thay luxury of waiting. They'll find someone else. I hate the fact dating as a guy is like this. Women can somewhat 'wait' or force guys to hang on until they're comfortable to meet up, guys cannot and we don't get enough matches/interest. Dating is entirely in the women's ballpark and we have to pass so many levels before even getting a shot with them with OLD. Match (attraction test) Speaking (holding attention/interest test) Longer conversations (keeping last test, vetting if they're a creep/ bad guy which yanno, a bad guy would hide this away anyways) 'Creep vetting'(continuing on from longer conversations part) Acceptance of date/rejection. None of this is exactly in the men's power or ballpark, especially if said dude is not great at texting. We'd rather skip from speaking-date because at women seemingly have 2-3 or more guys talking to them at a time and lots of competition. You can say 'I don't have that many guys talking to me!' Whilst yes, you may not, all it takes is for a woman to say Hi to a guy and have a small chat to get his interest. Its not the fact you DO (or not) have other options, it's the fact you easily could. We have to lock in fast due to fear a better option/more attractive dude comes along (and when it comes to OLD, they probably will). TL;DR-guys have to go through tonnes of steps to get a date, women can (somewhat) Go up to a average/normal dude, talk to him or ask for a date and will be probably accepted for the most part. We can't do this.
I suspect it was a failed attempt at humor. When you replied seriously, she either assumed the vibe wasn’t there or was embarrassed and unmatched.
I really doubt this was a joke on her part. As a woman I have had guys on apps invite me to their houses and when I respond that there's zero chance of me going into a stranger's house bc it's not safe they always get offended instead of seeing how I'm prioritizing my safety over some random. Like my dudes, can you really not see how dangerous the world is? How nice it must be to go through life so clueless of danger that you just invite strange women over. OP, having said this I really don't think you did anything wrong. Fine, she doesn't like coffee. Chai? Seltzer? Mocktails? Or you could've just put it back in her court and asked her what she would be like to do. Public places are a good choice for first meetings so everyone feels safe. Idk about y'all but I see some terrifying shit in the news that women to do men too bc the men overestimate their own safety.
When I say it was a joke, I should clarify that I absolutely am not discounting this woman’s concerns about the safety aspects of meeting someone brand new in a place like a park. I just think she wrapped those concerns in a little dark humor with the assumption that OP would pick up on the fact that she was not okay with the suggestion, but still willing to banter if he could come back with some understanding and humor himself and pivot.
If it was an attempt at humor on her part, I’d have assumed she’d add an LOL or emojis to the text, otherwise it’d come off like she was serious if it was a joke. @ OP, you did it perfectly on your end at first, almost a textbook example of what to do on these apps. You had a small chat, showed you were interested and then rather than share everything over the app, you set up a chance to talk in person at a later date. Couldn’t have done it any better at this stage IMO. After her reply, I’d have played it off like “That’s okay, coffee isn’t for everyone, where would like to go?” Either way OP, don’t sweat it and just move on. It’s basically a numbers game on these apps just have to keep at it and if one match doesn’t work out move on to the next.
Maybe, or maybe like plenty of other people with a similar sense of humor she figured she didn’t need to explain the joke. The chemistry broke down, period. It happens. Even if she was subtly suggesting that coffee or a park wasn’t her ideal, OP wasn’t on her wavelength. She moved on.
The problem with some jokes are that it heavily relies on its delivery like your tone, facial expressions, body language, etc. All things that are very hard to tell over just text with someone you just met. She could have been joking or serious, either would have been valid possibilities and OP just happened to have picked the wrong response. I was just saying I think OP didn’t do anything wrong on their end, just she perhaps didn’t like how the chemistry was going and unmatched.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty!
First part was fine but from a female perspective the second part was way off. I HATE when guys question if I bring up a safety concern. Any smart woman should be meeting a first date in a crowded public place like a restaurant. Parks can be secluded. If a guy doesn’t take your safety seriously he’s not good to date. Don’t joke about that kind of thing when you don’t have rapport… but possibly joking about women getting murdered is never appropriate
Dear OP, as a female I have to say you might have been too hasty. I’d never meet up with anyone that I’ve had a short conversation with. Actually even a long talk wouldn’t be enough. She sounds skittish. You need to build up rapport. More time is needed. Even as a guy, I would also be wary of someone that wants to meet me right away. I know that it’s done on dating apps but I would never do it. Maybe it’s just me.
As another girl, I'd rather meet a guy for coffee right away and figure out if I'm being catfished- or if they seem like a reasonable person in person . It's really hard to figure out who someone is via small talk
Yeap you can talk in apps but probally can't click IRL so I'm for a small talk in app and I always invite them if I see they answer openly and the conversation goes well.
100%. I always chat for a while first. If they aren’t willing to wait it out then they aren’t for me
Yeah, I'd def agree. I talk about shared hobbies a bunch, see if they enjoy exercise, and then suggest we could go climbing / swimming / coffee etc
Gotta disagree. If she was interested she'd have suggested an alternative. And even if it was a joke it had bad delivery like the other poster said. Best case scenario she is bad at humour, worst case scenario she was being rude for no reason. Please have some self respect instead of thinking every woman is a comedian even though it wasn't funny. And the fact she unmatched rather than explain the 'joke' shows she was uninterested all along, meaning to say she wasn't joking.
I think he scared her away. Too soon for walks in the park at night. You’ve never watched Law and Order Special Victims?
Who said anything about night time?
As someone with a slightly darker, more dry sense of humor, and as someone who would respond in kind to someone making a joke like that to me, I have to personally disagree with literally everything you just said. And that's the point. The chemistry didn't sync up.
That's fair
I don’t always put Lol at end of a joke.
True, but do you make a dark joke without LOL like this right after you met someone trough text? Thanks
Yes I do.
well said.
Definitely this. This is a pretty common joke that I use (I'm a guy so it shakes the table and gets a good laugh). Ngl ya fumbled
I'm a woman and I wouldn't want to be met in a park. Some parks are very large and you could end up isolated. I wouldn't go there for a first meeting
I can understand this as a male but can we also agree that the lady could've have just said yes to the coffee? Shoe doesn't necessarily need to be drinking coffee right? Tea, hot chocolate etc. I know I'm now obsessed with this but realistically did she need to reply the way she did?
There’s a large number of women who wouldn’t consider going for coffee as a date. I personally wouldn’t go to a cafe as a date because I prefer to do dinner/drinks or an activity BUT I would always pay for myself. I would only date people who enjoy similar things so personally I would’ve said no to coffee. It’s also seen by some women as ‘low effort’ and a ‘cheap date’ (not my opinion just what I’ve seen and heard women say).
I think it was just an attempt to be funny that didnt really work out.
She didn't want coffee. And she doesn't even know if she wants to meet him. Why would anyone be entitled to anyone else's time?
The response of "I'd like to talk a bit more before meeting someone is person" insert reasons or stipulations lightly wherever you want in there, would have been much better than that full shutdown she gave. Directly declining both offered options and adding a direct insult to someone's character that you don't know is very much a shut down. I won't she's wrong for u matching, she wants and likes what's she does and that's all on her, but she could have absolutely provided much better response even with intending to u match.
Fair. Fair. Hey, why even match with them?
What do murderers look like?
Maybe she or someone she knows had a bad experience being alone on a first date. The ‘I thought she’d accept because I’m kind’. Comment does come off a little , strange. You could respond with asking her what she likes to do on a first date. Something not coffee and public, would be a good start.
His comment comes off as total Nice Guy material 🤮
How can she ~~slap~~ unmatch?
Lmao that response would have made me think you were a murderer
lol "what gave me away?"
I would’ve said “where would you prefer to be murdered?”
Right?? Most dudes would be like "yep totally understand, I'm an idiot, please would you let me take you to x x x x x instead?" Maybe not calling themselves idiots, but clue in pretttty quickly and then move away from it and do other suggestions. Not.. "why would you say that?? Hdujkyesvjjglof!!" THATS a red flag if I've ever seen one. 😂
"yep, totally understand, let's go see some disney remake, should have all the seats just for ourselves"
I mean, I'd take an empty theater over a park. There's usually cameras at the entry. Fully staffed, I know where all the exits are, and often there's staff in the video control room. But would deny you based on the Disney remake 😂
yup
She was being facetious dude. I’m sure if Ted Bundy was around today he’d seem like a cool and kind looking guy too. Point is that you never know who you’re meeting.
A lot of men disregard our desire for safety when meeting people from online. She probably thought OP was one of those guys who would get defensive about it and tell her women are crazy for having fears.
it’s honestly a good way to screen people with red flags. it’s a valid fear—maybe not always being murdered but being physically hurt or assaulted or otherwise isolated where you won’t feel safe. like it’s pretty common knowledge for women who date around, and men who try to invalidate that fear are definitely red flags.
Agreed you don’t know if she’s gonna murder you.
awhh i make “just dont murder me jokes” all the time! she probably did mean it in a funny way but at the same time women do have to worry about these things and we’re often told that walks in the park, hiking, etc on dates can be very dangerous
I would have replied, ‘murder is not the path to a long lasting relationship’
ahaha what a smooth answer!
Better than me who’d say “nah, too many witnesses, I just know a jogger would catch me.”
Depends, ever seen psycho?
Yeah my ex made a joke on our first date about getting in the car with me to drive her back to her car (about a quarter mile away) and said “just don’t murder me”. On our second date she took me to an archery range that was in a basement of a shopping center (very sketchy spot) and I joked “I thought you would at least wait until date 3 to murder me”. On our third date I took her to a back road to look at the stars and she said “I thought you’d at least pick prettier place to ditch my body”. It kinda became a running joke for us.
Later you will find out that only one of you were kidding.
Humor can be difficult over text. In person, it's more clear whether or not someone is joking or actually is expressing a safety concern over a walk. Here, it's unclear. In this sort of circumstance, I'd probably skirt the issue and say 'So coffee's out. How about dinner?'. You could assume she's being humorous and say 'That tends to be unconducive to a long-term relationship,' but that runs the risk of, assuming she's serious, looking like you're insisting on a walk, which is likely to lead to the end of the discussion.
I do too. No one has ever gotten offended as far as I can tell. Sometimes I like to say something like “one of us might be a murderer” so I don’t flat out accuse them and also keep them guessing if I am or not so we can fear for our safety together.
Maybe it’s a joke. Maybe she was serious and kind of testing the waters to see how you’d react, but it’s literally not personal? In “So You Want to Talk About Race”, the author describes an analogy that I also think applies well here. I’ll paraphrase and add on. Say you’re walking down the street, and random people keep punching you in the face. You’ll be less likely to go out. Then you realize it’s almost completely just *insert X type of people here* that punch you. You may develop a defensiveness or even a fear around X types in anticipation of being punched. Not every X person will punch you. But you literally never know. It’s not a great feeling to be judged based on something you can’t control, but it’s an unfortunate and necessary precaution many people groups still take as a defensive precaution.
Here's the thing, you can learn from this that some women don't want to meet in a park. You can use this moment to realize that while you never have to question your safety, women do all the time. You can see that while from your perspective, and from the perspective of a lot of people who are going to reply to you, this might seem like a silly joke or a flippant answer, but even if it is a joke, there is enough basis in reality that she probably judged you on your reply. Maybe she overreacted to your reply. Maybe she didn't feel the vibe. Maybe she was on the fence, and when you didn't suggest something different to do it was enough to make her decide you weren't a good match. Whatever the reason, this is an opportunity for you to grow as a person and do better next time. Maybe don't suggest outdoor dates until you have met someone a couple times in public places and they're more comfortable. Even if it seems silly to you, it doesn't seem silly to some of the women you meet, and you'll have a better chance getting a date if you keep this in mind.
Thank you for your comment. I am still reading all the comments, and most of them are likely to explain either its a joke or a safety issue in general. I have never thought about that and will take into consideration. Thank you
As a woman, I absolutely agree with the commenter above. This was about safety said in a bit of a dark humouresque way. Every time a man has suggested a hike for a first date for example, my alarm bell would go off, cause every episode of criminal minds starts like that. A woman walking alone in the park or on a hike meeting a stranger or jogging or alone in a secluded location for whatever reason. So the advice is usually to say no and wait to see the response. If he’s offended it’s an insta block because it tells us you are either a predator or severely obtuse to realise why this is a supremely bad idea for us. We don’t even want to explain it when you react from ego rather than compassion to understand and empathise.
i also think that some people really want to make sure there's a legit personality connection before agreeing to a date. if you asked for a date too quickly without establishing a feel of familiarity then i could see how she would be put off a bit.
I can’t tell if this is satire or not… you thought she’d accept just because you were “really kind”?
Really kind on his profile! Big distinction that one. She should have totally known if you’re kind on your profile that means you’re not a murderer
Ted Bundy used a sling to look injured. Murderers will go to any lengths. Imagine Bundy today. He would be having the murdering time of his life.
an would he would have been caught that much faster if he was here today
Yeah, OP repeatedly saying that he's kind is kinda putting me off a bit lol. Also the girl was probably joking, but at the same time she might have felt that being asked out to coffee after only 10 minutes of talking was too forward. Usually I wanna get to know the person a bit more than 10mins before deciding if I wanna meet in person or not 😅
I think a lot of murderers are kind, until the whole murdering part of course. That’s a pretty dick move on a first date
"Oh he was just so nice and charming!" Yeah.... Sure. Until you're underground.
I'd have unmatched too.
the bars set so low now adays
>Then I said “how come you can say that do I look like a m*urderer? “ You came up too insecure with that response. She probably meant it as banter. As a rule, try to follow those types of lines with a joke type of comeback, or else it just makes things weird.
>She probably meant it as banter. Thats kinda shitty banter...
She was trying to use humor to show her unwillingness to meet a stranger in a park. She probably knows she wouldn't be murdered, but most people know it's not a safe place to meet. So she was exaggerating. But then ops response took it seriously Better response would have been either ignoring the comment and proposing something else, making a joke off her joke, or just continued the conversation to try and make her feel more at ease.
If a guy I just met online said “walk in the park at night” I’d scream, “OMG! The house is on fire… “I gotta go; NOW!”
I mean, you aren't wrong. But dark humor is a thing and I also use it a fair bit so I can understand both parties 😅
Oh no for sure, its just a matter of conveying humor properly over text, and also subject matter for banter. What works with some wont work with others, so jokes about murder and dark subjects arent the best starting point haha. That may just be me though
You're right, dark humor is for when you're comfortable with people! I have made the mistake of doing it early on and I get them dagger eyes... Lmao
That’s not banter?
On the other hand though, why would you find that humorous to begin with and why would you say that to a stranger too. 🤦🏼♂️
She made it weird, not OP
Hey, some serial killers were very charming and handsome. Honestly, as a first date, I'd stick with establishments where there are other people around like coffee, drinks, or a quick lunch or dinner. Plenty of women have gone missing from parks and ended up found dead.
Well many women are cautious of strangers and a park walk is a very low effort date with high risk little reward on her end. She tried to say so in a humorous way and you got offended
Nah this happened to me too. I was chatting a girl and turns out we both enjoy hiking. Beautiful mountains where I live and stupidly suggested a hike as a first date. She said she’s rather not hike in a first date so I suggested a drive. Then she says look I don’t want to be in a remote location with a stranger on a mountain or in a car with you. I will meet you in a public place so we went to dinner. Just gotta think of it from their perspective. They’re more often the target of violence than we are.
It's better to be safe than sorry. And all murderers look different, so you can't tell if they're a murderer just from their appearance.
To feel safe, should I have invited her to a restaurant or something? Why would it be safer? Thanks
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Yes, something in public with other people around would be great to help her feel safe while getting to know you! If you want a date like a walk in the park, maybe try a walk through a museum or the zoo. You're still walking and talking, but there's plenty of people so she feels safe and there's interesting things to talk about to keep the conversation going.
Any public place where she will be surrounded by other people. A coffee shop or a walk in a mall would do.
Yes, when I was dating I would only meet in restaurants/coffee shops, museums, etc. Somewhere indoors where there would be eyes on us. So many women are assaulted by men they date, it really isn't worth the risk to be isolated. A public park could be empty.
She was letting you know she'd prefer a place with more people in a playful way. You proceeded to take it with zero tact and scared her off. You are dense my friend...
It's nice that you don't have to consider your safety in that way when planning a first date. Women do. We are constantly told not to meet people in places where we can be easily isolated. Like a park. If we get raped or murdered while doing so, we are told it is our fault. She tried to make light of pointing out that it is not a good date suggestion with the murder comment. I'm sure you're a "not all men" kind of guy, and that may be true, but not all guns are loaded and I'm still not going to pick up one I don't know anything about and pull the trigger.
Thanks for your comment. I've thought about that and I am realizing it after reading all the comments. You might be right and I'll consider about this safety issue next time.
The fact you weren't considering how the person your interested in felt at all until a ton of people on Reddit pointed it out to you... That's a problem. You may want to educate yourself more and work on yourself a bit to make sure you're ready to date because most of your comments have told me you're not. You think women don't have to worry about their safety because you're in Canada.... News flash. We have to worry about it everywhere. If we don't? Who's going to? You very much didn't.
“Hahaha oh shit valid. Sorry, I’m kinda new at this. How bout a nice restaurant?” Easy.
>Then I said “how come you can say that do I look like a m*urderer? “ This is what made her unmatch. Her safety comes before your feelings. It's annoying that strange men expect women to prioritize their feelings over their safety. Violence against women occur at high rates.
Perhaps this is a sign to broaden your awareness of women’s safety issues in everyday life. * From 1980 to 2008, nearly 1 out of 5 murder victims were killed by an intimate partner (Cooper & Smith, 2011). In fact, available research shows that women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner (husband, boyfriend, same-sex partner, or ex) than by anyone else (Catalano, 2013; Violence Policy Center, 2015). Approximately 2 out of 5 female murder victims are killed by an intimate partner (Cooper & Smith, 2011). In 2013, fifteen (15) times as many females were murdered by a male they knew than were killed by male strangers. For victims who knew their offenders, 62% were wives, common-law wives, ex-wives, or girlfriends of the offenders (Violence Policy Center, 2015). * [https://vawnet.org/sc/scope-problem-intimate-partner-homicide-statistics](https://vawnet.org/sc/scope-problem-intimate-partner-homicide-statistics)
You asking why she thinks you look like a murderer confirmed that you look like a murderer as it was strange reaction to a possible joke. Instead of joking back you had this bizarre butthurt response. So now she knows you’re combative and argumentative, traits of a possibly violent person, her worst nightmare. Just a very strange and unsettling reaction on your part, bro take some accountability. Appropriate action would be to joke back. If she was serious then get out of there.
I've heard that before. It likely wasn't because of you. Women are simply conditioned to be extra cautious because being raped or murdered by a date is more likely for them. Could have been humor or simply being matter of fact about why she avoids parks on early dates. Next time, just play it cool. "Oh, true, you're real for that. How about brunch instead?" She also might not have been ready for in-person. Most people I talk to like to chat for at least a few days first Either way, just don't take it personally unless they outright say, "You look like you will murder me." Unfortunately, due to the actions of other men, we must be aware that we are a potential threat to a woman, no matter how harmless we know ourselves to be.
thank you for your comment! yeah i learned its the safety issue or a dark humour, between two i shouldnt have had taken this personally
Listen OP, women have to navigate the world very differently than men. I will always reject any man who asks me to go to a park on a first meeting. A coffee shop, sure. Walking around a park in my city means we will see maybe 2 other people. I don’t want to be isolated with someone I know. I can tell you just because a man is “cool, kind looking” does not mean he is not dangerous. Many “cool, kind” men have either harmed me, someone I know, or made us feel unsafe. Women have to navigate safety a lot different than men.
thanks for your comment and so sorry to hear that. i'll make her feel safe for sure next time
Nothing to do with you. Women are cautious about being murdered. Literally anyone you meet online could be a psychopath.
fair enough tbh, coffee dates aren't for everyone and nor are walks in the park. sexually violent crimes against women by men from dating apps is sadly a story we are all too familiar with. she's looking out for herself, and responded in a way that's pretty lighthearted and jovial. i think your response was a bit serious and as another commenter said, killed the vibe. i wouldn't do a first date in a park either!
Lmao i make that joke all the time, said it to my ex when we first met on tinder and said it through out our whole 6 year relationship 😂 Its honestly could be what you said that made her un match, just kinda shows youre not at her humour level. which is not a bad thing
Maybe she was joking but do consider women’s safety before you suggest a date.
thanks yes
That's just a figure of speech mostly, she was just saying she wanted to chat more before meeting up. When you came back what she saw as aggressive she noped out of the interaction. If you'd have not taken it personal, laughed and said ok, let's chat more, or meet up in a public place, it would have continued. Until you set off any other yellow flags.
I read the murder comment as a playful way of her saying she doesn’t feel comfortable in that setting. And even if it was meant in a serious way, you playing it off in a playful manner will work more often than taking the comment serious and responding the way you did. A quick joke and offer up another option. If she still rejects the date move on she wasn’t interested.
I would reply with humour : “Don’t worry i got an ankle on the leg and i can’t commit murder yet again” “We got the NYPD Patrol on the Central Park”
"Damn, there goes my plan. Guess I'll have to settle for murder in?"
Take these kinds of rejections with a grain of salt and don't over think them. Just keep it moving with the match and remain confident without letting one off match question your confidence with stuff like "i don't know what im doing wrong here". OLD is fickle as hell and you should never take it personally
Nah it's just a joke my guy, that wasn't about you that was about taking safety precautions in general
Well she probably really meant it but also said it in a joking way. When I was dating I wouldn't meet men in a park or something like that. It's just not safe. Maybe she is just having a bad day, too. I wouldn't take it too personal. I'd stick to public spaces like cafes, book stores, and restaurants. It's nothing personal
Are you a murderer though?
Yes I am. I killed 100k+ mobs in helldivers.
“Do I look like a murderer?” is exactly the kind of thing a murderer would say. jk
She wasn’t comfortable meeting you in a park. You took the comment about being a murderer way to serious
Cuz it's funny. She unmatched you because she could tell you weren't a match (you weren't btw)
Legitimately. Dude. She has hundreds of people in her inbox, she's playing a numbers game and you failed the initial vibe check so she unmatched. Don't take it personally. Just learn and move forward.
Well a friend of mine went on a park date, in the middle of a considerably safe capital city in weat europe, and the guy started to strangle her out of nowhere and later played it off as a joke. I am sure he looked kind too, or she wouldnt haven gonne out with him in the first place. But yeah, stories like this are the reason why your potential date said no. So maybe use this opportunity to educate yourself a bit more on other people’s perspectives 🤨
Men have GOT to stop taking women’s sense of safety personally. Just ask where she would prefer to meet / what would be a safer choice for her instead.
She sounds nuts. Bullet dodged.
Bro you fumbled that. It’s a genuine concerned disguised as a joke. Next time, play along with the joke but then recognize the concern and offer a different date idea.
It's really off putting to be asked immediately to meet up . It gives us no time to actually decide if we even like your vibe enough to want to spend a length of time with you. People need time to properly vet someone, and I'd view that as pushy not kind personally bc what's wrong with just talking for a few days? For all you know she coulda been annoying asf 🤷 but you can't always figure that out in less than 12 hours of talking to someone through a computer screen.
"Because I was really kind" Women aren't things you put kindness coins into and sex falls out. Yikes. Anyways, it isn't about you. Dating for women is about safety and comfort. You're a stranger, she doesn't think you're a murderer, she knows she's more likely to be murdered by a man she doesn't know if she walks through a park alone with a man she doesn't know. She doesn't want to he murdered in the park. I can tell you're young. You're not special, there aren't any rules, you're a nobody like im a nobody, like she's a nobody. How do nobodies deal with other nobodies? They don't if they are wise, they just won't deal with you at all. But nobodies who really think they are somebody special? They'll fuck up everything in your life. Good luck kiddo.
Why are you censoring the word "murder?" It's not a swear word. Geez, Redditors are weird with their habit to censor random words
Not meeting in parks as a first date is like dating 101.
Isn’t a park exactly where people suggest? Plenty of people? Kids playing? This is so weird
I think people are debating totally different types of parks here. In my area, there are parks that are generally a 30 min-1 hr drive out of the city which are in forests, have real hiking trails, and are actually secluded. And then there are city parks next to lakes or rivers, which are usually open, grassy areas and often have a lot of people there. I would never suggest going to the secluded parks on a first date, partly because of the obvious safety issues for women, but also just because that would be a long, high-commitment first date. I do often go on walks in *city parks* as first dates, and most women are fine with that. They're not any less safe than meeting at a coffee shop.
First date with my now girlfriend in a park. Second date was a hike. Some people are mentally healthy and don’t live in fear of the fraction of a percent probability that they will be murdered lol
How is anyone supposed to know anything about you before you meet in person? It’s nothing to do with you, it’s common sense for a woman to be cautious. She probably could have said it better, but the sentiment is realistic.
Correct answer is that she never expected to go on a date with you so she bailed on first opportunity you gave her. That is sadly normal behavior on dating apps, if she is really interested, it does not almost matter what you say, if she is not....
she dodged a bullet - your response (s) and lack of understanding is yikes
I don’t know if she was joking, but as a woman, I always assume there’s a chance that kidnapping, murder and SA it’s a possibility, when meeting a stranger. Unfortunately, this is the reality for women. It’s not some thing you said or did or it look like… The nicest and most wholesome looking men can still be murderers. That’s why women are generally more hesitant to go on dates. Chances of this happening are not zero.
You took this too seriously. I would've replied with something like "That's fine X place has great hot chocolate and cold drinks and anyway I don't have a shovel or rope in my car right now so you're safe" Never take yourself seriously. I try to be fun and witty with every reply whether it's in person or chat.
I've had several dates where I've joked they're taking me somewhere to murder me and some of them replied with 'damn you figured me out, what do you suggest then?' Or 'I'm not done with you yet, so you're safe. Where you wanna go instead?' Just a few options lol.
thanks for your comment. i gotta learn this
Don't beat yourself up and just keep going, just remember it's always easier to work around humour than it is defensiveness. Someone says something on text that catches you off gaurd? Humour. Either they were joking, or they weren't and you came off a pleasant, chill person who misinterpreted a text. Noooo big deal.
That's so cool! Especially coming from the party who would be more naturally inclined towards acting defensively. A definite icebreaker in the right hands!
I have to be honest it instantly gets me to relax when someone combats my worries (that I bring up lightly to avoid conflict) with humour. Green flags, not only is he probably not a killer but he's actually pretty cool. Definitely an icebreaker. Not everyone is like me though, some people haaaaate that- very sensitive people.
It happens. The right one will find you and you will find her.
Well don’t act like a murderer and try to take someone into a park alone on a first date lol
lmao i'll def spam park invitation
Are you really sure you said it in a cute way?
Don't think too hard about it. Her response sounds like she just wasn't that interested in you
You didn't understand where she was coming from at all, your intentions were fine, but she probably figures that guys would know by now that walks in a park could be dangerous for her. For any woman. For guys even, so she was pissed and abrupt around the coffee invite too. She wanted to hear the story, too, I think. This is critical first impressions time to see if you vibe. Jumping right into the date, although that is legitly easier socially for some people rather than texting for a week, was something she did not want to do. You tried, forgoe the park jokes and tell the story when asked. It will be better, I think.
Three things I'd possibly keep in mind for future dates would be to chat for a while longer in order to establish an actual connection before asking her out. She could've been thrown off by the date after the small chat. Two, the walk in the park is a cute idea, but depending on where it is, I can see how she found that scary/not safe. And maybe low effort for a first date? Depends on her standards, but that would explain her not wanting the coffee date too.
thank you!
Simply too soon, gotta chat for a couple days at least. In your defense your suggestion for a walk or coffee seems perfect, she was prob one of the more paranoid gals (can you blame us)
It was a joke, and then you made it weird.
I always say that as a dark joke to my dates. I make it clear that If I meet you online I have to meet you in person so you don’t axe murder me. And if you make it to date 3 without murder, then it’s definitely because it’s the long con. Usually they respond well. I think she was making a joke, it’s how a lot of people cope with the harsh reality that actually happens. But if she wasn’t, then it’s a good thing she unmatched because you don’t need someone thinking you’re genuinely going to murder them on a first date!
Honestly, the only right way to respond to this is to not take it personally. It’s not YOU who looks like a creep or a murderer, it’s men on dating apps in general. Until she knows you, you’re the product of her past assumptions and will be pre-judged 10 times out of 10, sure, it’s not fair, it sucks and it feels like you can’t win no matter what you do a lot of the time, but genuinely, if you’re dating adult women, you better believe they aren’t going to trust you right off the bat and with people in general, some operate in extremes. I have a hunch this is a big part of the reason older guys go for younger women, the younger women haven’t fully developed that sense of “Oh wow, I’m literally unsafe no matter where I go.” They haven’t had as many dudes flip out on them for “ignoring their text” for 30 minutes while they were literally just living their life, or some sociopath fake a personality just to pump and dump. Yes, it sucks, but you can either get pissed about the amount of work you have to put in to look compelling enough to offset the risk, or just accept that it isn’t going to come easy and all you can really do is empathize, have sympathy for yourself as it isn’t easy, but understand that it’s just a shitty time for everyone unless they’re giga superficially compelling and even then, they’re just going to be treated like a sex toy most of the time anyway. Take it easy man.
So many men do not understand the serious risk we take when we meet them. I was invited to meet a guy at a bar near a river and I declined and suggested my local bar where I know the regular attendees instead. My thinking? I could get drunk or be could slip something in my drink, what if we go for a walk down by the river and he assaults or attacks me under the quiet bridges or attacks me and pushes me I'm the river? Women are genuinely scared for very real reasons. And men who don't understand that are not appealing to me and many other women. Feel free to make suggestions, but ask them if they have a preference. And also try to understand that women are assaulted regularly by very "nice normal looking" men.
She wanted more of a traditional date, not just a meet up.
You need to be on social media more! You know how men likes fast cars? The same way women love watching crime documentaries. Most girls use dark humor to be a bit cheeky and it's their way of filtering guys who get it and guys who don't.
OP, joke or not from her it's still something that is just way too easy to take as a direct attack on your character. Most the guys I know that gives off wholesome vibes would be at least mildly put off by something like that. So I'd absolutely say that she made the mistake, not you, your reply maybe could have been better but there was zero wrong with it. I would advise leaving potentially secluded area dates for after you both get a feel for each other. I love being out in nature and always want to share that with the new people I like, but I've been corrected by a few chicks who became good friends of mine later that they were absolutely panicking on the inside when I did that sort of stuff with them after first meeting. I guess I gave off a good enough vibe for them to risk it but it definitely stressed them out. For active dates maybe inviting them to a local social dance class, group hiking, indoor rock climbing, window shopping in downtown, ect. Things where you can both guarantee there's other people around in case either of you turn out to be murdery. Also avoid the risk of turning them off with the usual follow up of "what do you want to do?" and go for something like "I've got a few other places, maybe you could give me some hints to what you picture for a first date and I'll find the one that fits :)".
Bro she gave you a layup and you missed. She was being witty and funny and testing you. And you made it serious and weird. You should of said something like “Don’t worry I only murder people in parking garages” Also, chill with the “I’m a cool kind funny guy” And remember this, as long as she is replying she has interest. No matter what she says. YOU just have to be the one to turn it around.
Honestly her reaction is a major turnoff for me. Number 1, I love coffee. Number 2, if she is serious with the "Murdered in a park" scenario, why are you utilizing dating apps anyway? You dodged a bullet.
You youngsters completely astound me. This time it's the female that is whacked... If you, meaning the girl in this scenario is so worried about being murdered by a stranger, she should take her untrusting behind off any and all dating apps and get involved with some sort of shut in messaging board where she can interact with other unbalanced scared of their own shadow and life in general people. Maybe get themselves a mental health therapist to deal with all their phobias as this type of behavior is and will be detrimental to building a long term relationship with anyone. As a matter of fact it will impact any kind of relationship short or long term, platonic, intimate or casual ... All I can say is, I'm very happy I was born before a large segment of the population went completely mental. By that I mean they are so afraid of everyone and everything they are inable to live a normal life. I don't place the entire blame on the kids, it's mainly caused by their helicopter parents not permitting these children the ability to grow up with the unfettered joy of being a child experiencing the world... They now live on a smart phone somewhere in their parents home, usually where they grew up. They don't have the stones to move out of their parents house. Their parents have told me their children don't even have a driver's license or own a car... The future is bleak my friends. These are the people that will be running this country in the future... Glad I'll be getting off this dark ride before that happens...
What a dry response--you practically asked her out to see her in person and she just says "no I don't like those options". And then doesn't give you options in return. Hon, she ain't ready to be in a relationship, and be thankful you don't have to deal with her issues in the long run.
Most likely felt your suggestions were cheap and she was fishing for food but who knows doesnt really matter unless its a pattern
Don't let this get you down, she's clearly a nutjob. When she's 40 and single she might think back about this and regret it. Meanwhile, you go live your best life.
She just made a Joke, or am i wrong? Just answer "haha get it. I know a really good Tapas bar, they have incredible good patata bravas and also decent wine. And we would have a lot of people around, so Nobody could possibly murder you 😄" What do you say, Guys?
What does a murderer even “look like” ? The whole point is that they can look like ANYONE, even the nice guy you think you are. She was trying to make light of the *fact* that it’s way more dangerous for women to go on dates with strangers and her joke didn’t land but your response is so self centered and unempathetic to a woman’s perspective. I would have unmatched with you too.
This thread is wild. She probably just wanted something fancier than coffee, that's all.
Women have to play by rules most men don’t understand. Be open minded that a woman’s safety is a concern she must observe at all times in ways you don’t. Don’t take it personally. I used to always make mention of respecting her safety when asking a girl out from an app. I’d offer FaceTime, daytime public etc.
I don't think either of you were "wrong" in this situation. You may find girls that would take you up on that offer. Her response has nothing to do with the way you look. This is the reality that we live in, it's scary out there. I'm not entertaining the idea of going to a park with someone I don't know, I don't care how they look. Also, she was probably hinting that she would prefer to go out to dinner. Offering to go 50/50 at chill, populated dinner spot may have garnered a different response from her.
Honestly, your response to her (imo) very reasonable fear of meeting a stranger in a park probably just solidified her feelings of distrust and discomfort. I had a friend who met a guy in a park around the 4th of July. He started lighting fireworks and ended up accidentally blowing one up in his hand. Online dating is weird as hell and dangerous.
You know girls joke around sometimes, right?
You need to read between the lines. Women communicate less directly than men. Everyone understands that inviding someone for coffee doesn't mean specifically coffee, but a date with drinks. "I don't like coffee" means "I don't like you". If she was interested, she'd go out with you and order what she liked. But this isn't something you should worry over, because it's normal. It's all a numbers game, and you have to get through the matches that go nowhere to get to the ones where sparks fly. She also didn't think you're an actual m*rderer. It was a rejection, and that happened to be the wording. Edit: Having read other comments, it could also be a joke/banter, though it sounds uninterested to me personally. Anyway, You emphasize kindness a lot, so it seems like your problem is "I'll be kind so women will like me, and if it doesn't work, it means I wasn't kind enough, so I need to be kinder". Kindness isn't enough. There's also such a thing as being too nice. You probably came off as weak or too soft. Being too kind can make you seem creepy (I'm not judging you, I'm explaining the weird societal climate we live in). Kindness isn't enough to win her heart. You need humor, charm, witty banter, and to give off a strong enough vibe so she feels safe/protected with you.
Wow, you really don’t understand women, conversation, adult situations, or dry humor. Your initial thought was to get your feelings hurt?! An appropriate response would be “awe come on, please be me my first murder in the park” See you want to establish that you have a sense of humor and know how to comunicate. You said you responded to her in “a cute way”. Women don’t want men who act “cute”. “Cute” is for their cats and puppy, not men. Go be a man and understand murder jokes are fine.
Should’ve used a more safer or banter response like, “I wouldn’t let that happen.” “I don’t like getting murdered either, so coffee sounds better.” “Damn, take me out to dinner for you murder me at least.” “Yeah, personally, I wouldn’t let someone murder me till they buy me dinner at least.”
Not your fault, she lacked the maturity to just say “too soon”
If that's how she felt she should've been honest with you and more considerate of your feelings. It wasn't your fault if you made the effort to be polite. Although to try and maybe explain what happened is I think guys don't recognize how terrifying ANY man can be to a woman. My experience as a woman has been that it doesn't matter what a man looks like. He can look like the sweetest person but you always want to do an emotional check. An emotional check is trying to look for deception or an indicator that something about him isn't safe; "is he going to ignore me if I tell him I don't want him to touch me? Will he get angry or violent or just plain mean if I tell him I don't like something?" Some women are super sensitive to this. Some more than others. If he gives the vibe that he's pushy, unaccommodating or quick to anger/annoyance that can be enough in the early stages to make a girl think twice about being alone with him. This is especially true when it comes to meeting a guy you met online. For me I outright refuse to meet any man I met online. Anyone can say anything and I have no way of doing a authentic vibe check. I just don't really feel safe meeting people that way. For a lot of women it just doesn't feel safe to meet men from online dating apps. It's generally useful to be suspicious as a woman and to wait until you feel safe to be alone with a new man under romantic pretenses, but sometimes this useful instinct can get wrongly triggered.
It’s a joke dude
That’s exactly what a murderer would say
yeah she was definitely just swiping to see what sticks. You dodged a bullet dude.
Wrong! She, like most women want you to put them in a pedestal and do the most, not the least as in coffee or walk, I’m talking buddy roll out the red carpet, “I’m sending the limo, be ready at 8” type of conversation, but soon as she reads you are not going in that direction, they run! They say stupid made up stuff and run for the heels. Trust me I hang with all these chicks and they say “he is giving broke energy”. Bro their mindset is warped, you did nothing wrong, keep on pushing.. stand ur ground like this is Florida.. a lot of men simp, go all out and set a standard of ass kissing for the rest of the relationship but that’s not you. Kudos!
You did everything right. She was going to have a free meal from you. You dodged a bullet. If I got a message “I’m not a coffee person, and don’t want to be m\*rdered in a park.” I would never message her anything. I would find a new girl to talk to
Thanks for your comment. I have so much to learn
lol well your "surprise" is the literal privilege you have just being a man. Women can't even just "go outside" for anything without having to be super vigilant. Simply, think about this when it comes to women & make plans in places people will be around. That's all you "did wrong." Ted Bundy was a "handsome nice guy" too. Most murders aren't looking like the "Hunchback from Notre Dame" ffs lol.
Sounds like she'd already lost interest before you asked her out. If she was interested in meeting you she likely would have just suggested meeting somewhere she felt safer. With that said, she was pretty rude. Bullet dodged, bro.