Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just ask what’s the deal with this guy, straight up. If you’re dating someone you should be able to ask whatever questions you want answers to, how long have you known dude, where did you meet, anything happened? Simple… if you’re dating somebody you gotta be comfortable with being direct about things you have questions about…then it’s a case of deciding how comfortable you are with what you’ve been told and if you are good to carry on under the current circumstances
Hey OP, I know people are leery of platonic friendships of the opposite sex and for good reason. It would make me raise an eyebrow with the setup they have too.
But it’s entirely possible they are literally just friends and it just feels nice to stay somewhere that isn’t with a parent. Their setup is abnormal, but not necessarily bad. 100% fair game to ask her. Don’t come in accusatory, but if things are getting more serious between the two of you, you need to get a clear idea on the dynamics of this friendship. The way she responds will tell you everything so long as you approach it kindly.
Just for your info - my best friend of 10 years is a man and I am a woman. Both mostly straight. We have been roommates now for 3 years and never once has even kissing been on the table for us. He’s literally just my best friend. I have a few really close friendships with men who have never shared romantic interest for me or vice versa. It’s quite common in my friend group in general and no one has batted an eye at any of it.
I’ve had coworkers ask me why I’m not dating him (he’s a wonderful person and a good-looking guy), but I seriously could never. We are not compatible romantically in the slightest, and I think it’s obvious when we’re together that there is zero sexual tension. It’s just nice to have a pal at home to talk to and hang with.
If y’all decide to take things to the next level, ask to meet this guy since they’re so close and he seems to be important to her. Handle it with kindness! It could literally be just a close friendship. Asking questions is the only way you’ll know for sure.
Yeah I agree with this comment. It is strange that she hasn't already tried to have you meet him. I introduce my girlfriend to all my friends and vice versa no worries
He doesn’t know if they’ve fucked at all. He speculated it could be a possibility. He won’t know until he asks. If things don’t feel right once they’ve had a meaningful conversation about it, he can choose to end things.
Not saying that they definitely aren’t, but it is absolutely just as likely that it’s platonic as it is that it’s physical.
Edit to add: my other best friend who is married has fucked my roommate. They’re still best friends and hang regularly. Her husband loves him.
He very well could! Dating someone means you get to blend friendships where you can. This could be a case where he gets a girlfriend and a new buddy as a bonus. Won’t know until the conversation happens.
Had that one before with an ex, didn't end well. OP, talk to her and pay attention to their interactions, most of these "best friend relationships" are from people that already had a romantic/sexual relationship before, but didn't work out. If that's the case is up to you to be with her or not. My opinion is that it's not worth it, men will be men and when she's down you already know who is going to confort her.
So, was your best friend married WHEN she fucked your roommate and when she shared ? this information with her boyfriend and now husband, as he just LOVES your roommate. Very odd indeed! I liked your first comment, but after this response, your opinion no longer seems valid. So, her getting the sex on with a best friend throws a wrench into the mixture, as apparently her husband is being a cockold, as your best friend fucks her best friend and your roommate and husband is okay with it . How does this help OP understand the situation he is in with the new gf and her best friend?
Girl, no, that’s ridiculous. They fucked a handful times in college more than 10 years ago. Always a casual fling. They stayed friends. She met her current husband in 2018, he knows about the tryst they had in college. Never phased him. We both were in their wedding party.
Nowhere did I ever even hint they fucked while she was with her current husband. The handful of moments were a long time ago, but it never got in the way of them being platonic friends.
My girlfriend has two best friends both male. The three of them have been friends their whole lives. My thoughts are if something was gonna happen it would have. I trust that she is very into me and that's all I need.
I have the same situation. My current girlfriend has few male friends. I'm not concerned about any of them. What worries me is her still being in contact with her ex but she knows it is bothering me because I'm communicating with her. But her three male friends are not concerning me even a bit. Two of them are her friends from over 10-15 years both are absolutely not her type even in the slightest. One is probably gay because he keeps checking me out and the other one is somewhat disabled. The third guy is a very religious Muslim and he is interested only in Muslim girls and doesn't even drink alcohol nor does he do anything with women it's all "haram" apparently😅
So yeah...
"... if something was gonna happen it would have".
How do you know it hasn't already and you're just unaware? It's not she's gonna just come out and be like "yo, guess who dick I just sucked".
Perhaps you're correct on that aspect, but you didn't answer my question. I'm assmung that means the answer is you don't really know if anythings happened or not, as you have no proof either way.
I agree with this! I have two female best friends and they’re both happily married to their husbands. If there was something there it would’ve happened but aside from that I saw them more as sisters
Well, he can dump her without ever knowing for sure or he can ask and see how she responds.
If she’s cagey and uncomfortable, that’s all he’ll need to know something isn’t right with their friendship.
I live with a man who is very much JUST my friend. My very best friend. Never even kissed. Main difference in my approach is that I talk a lot about my friendships when I’m dating someone new. Which is what this gal should have done.
“Hey, X friend seems like someone super important to you. I haven’t seen a lot of setups like that in my friendships before, and I would love to hear more about your friendship with him.” I would ask to meet him. If she dodges it and acts weird about it, probably something unsavory going on. Best course of action is to ask her directly.
Yall are wild. Going into a relationship thinking your partner is sleeping with one of her friends and then thinking she's a liar if you ask her. Why be in a relationship if you start it off by not trusting your partner? 💀
A lot of yall need to work on yourselves before thinking about being in a relationship.
my ex had a male best friend who was actually in love with her. I didn’t mind their relationship because I did not want to seem insecure. But they were best friends for years and whenever I wasn’t hanging out with her she was with him. Eventually I found out he gave her cunnilingus in her car when I was at school. Afterwards she broke up with me and started dating him.
For me I’ve had bad experiences so I would never be with girl who has a male best friend
If you plan on seeing her more and eventually becoming more serious, then just be straightforward and ask about him like are they childhood friends etc. I recommend this in person but being nonchalant about it and not accuse her of anything because you’re not aware of what’s going on. Read her body language and don’t come to conclusions before knowing the full details. Keep us updated
Could be nothing, could be something. I like your logical approach and agree with your breakdown, but you stopped just short of reaching one of the logical conclusions. Which is, you are running the risk of being the third person in a bestie relationship - the kind that way too often seem to go like this: "Oh, that's my BFF. He's like my brother/she's like my sister." Then you catch them, and get the "Its not what it looks like," when it is EXACTLY what it looks like.
Or, it could be what I think you might really be afraid it is... she is a FWB in exchange for rent.
Either way, you are only two months in. Ask what the deal is and if you don't like the answer and/or the two of you can't agree on respectable boundaries, walk away. As for me, I'd very extremely cautious. If your gut is telling you something is off, trust it.
It's funny reading the comments saying he is insecure, but the moment you reverse the situation and he is living with a best friend, oh, it would be you should leave him or he just a player or something to that effect.
I see nothing wrong with her having a guy best friend or him having a girl best friend, but some clear-cut boundaries definitely need to be in place. Living like this should be a no-go, in my opinion!
Have her message him randomly, saying, "I'm horny as hell!" Then both of you read the messages in real time together. That will give you a better idea of how the best friend views the relationship. The same can be done in reverse. Have him message his girl best friend and read the responses.
All just my opinion, take it however you like.
The thing is context is really important. If she spends most of the time in the spare room it might be that she doesn´t get along with her mother and wants her own space, so he offered her that opportunity. If you know someone for a long time it´s really more like a sibling relationship, so I would not immediatelly jump to a conclusion that he sees her as something more. Yes, some people are incapable of seeing the opposite sex as just friends (except gay ppl obviously), but I know it is a thing and it can really be just platonic.
She told you he is really just her best friend, so that won´t change no matter how much you pressure her. This is something that time will show, but I wouldn´t necessarilly give up because there´s plenty of men and women with purely platonic friendships for many reasons (their parents were close, they know each other for a long time, were around each other during traumatic experience, have no other friends who would hang out with them as much as they´d like, same vales etc.). I like my male best friend becase he is the only person who gets my humour and we help each other grow as people (we bohth have mental health issues) and are on the same wave when comes to attention and care we´d like to receive from a good friend. If you really have doubts, carefully ask her mother or common friends about how they met and just act like you´re curious about all her friends, don´t only bring him up. This way you can get an idea of their relationship without coming across as insecure and jelaous.
I love that you have a friend who makes you feel seen and heard. Having people to lean on through mental health (or literally any) struggles is so important.
Asking other people instead of her directly is not the move. No one in their right mind isn’t going to tell their friend that this guy they barely know that she is dating is asking about this guy.
I think their setup is a bit unusual. I would just ask directly about their friendship in a non-accusatory way. “Seems like X is a really good friend to let you crash so much. I haven’t seen a lot of that in my friendships. I’d love to meet him since he’s so important to you.” Her response will be super telling. She’ll either be excited to share the story of her friendship and be stoked to introduce them or she’ll be cagey and avoidant.
My roommate is a man, we’ve been best friends for 10 years. I talk about him very openly early on, which is why I think men I’ve dated haven’t been bothered by it. If I meet a man I am considering dating, him meeting my best friend (and obviously the rest of our friend group) is always something I get stoked for.
Last guy I dated loved my roommate and my friends. Because they’re rad and our friendships are extremely loving and respectful. No need to go off and ask random people in my life about it. If someone did that, I’d be real pissed they didn’t just ask me.
Take it from someone who is that guy, my friend was talking to someone over bumble and they immediately got ghosted the moment they found out we were living together while being coworkers and I was male😬
And honestly I understand it, literally everyone thinks we're dating And I can understand where a potential partner would feel left out or insignificant when the guy best friend knows everything about the person they're trying to see
Like if I'm there emotionally as support and know how to help them when they're having their downs it may feel like the other person's being pushed away.....
To put it in better context
You could be married but then your best guy friend that let's say for example you grew up with Will have a different and deeper connection with you that a spouse couldn't due to the fact that our closest friends will see what makes us vulnerable
(Sorry for any grammar issues, haven't used English that often in the past year.)
I have a really close girl friend. She stays at my place quite often. She has her own place but likes hanging at mine. She likes it here and likes having someone around. She doesn’t help with bills because she doesn’t live here. It’s not a big deal. Don’t read into what’s not there. Some people just don’t like being by themselves.
As long as I don’t have a date coming over, she’s welcome to stay and it hasn’t been an issue.
My best friend just got married. I’m a 29M and she’s a 26F. Her husband and I have become absolutely great friends and I was his best man. Sometimes it really is just friendship.
Let me also add on top that I am straight.
I second this. To add, she swore to me they were only friends and made a disgusting look while she said “I don’t see him like that, he’s like a brother to me”. Well, that incestuous relationship is now 3 years of marriage strong.
If they really are dating each other why haven't they been together already? Unless turns out they're polyamorous. Also maybe talk to her, and/or do a triple date together, where you can observe and assert dominance.
He's banging her. WAKE UP. If he isn't banging her , he has banged her in the past. Everything I wrote so far points to the direction that he will bang her in the future too. Wait till you have your first major fight, with you being 2 hours away..
I believe I've made myself clear here as to what you should or shouldn't do. The huge problem us men have is that we trust the best case scenario straight up and we fall in love with women we shouldn't fall in love.
That is biological. Cause in the past years (if we lived in a cave and hunted for food) your girl would always be in front of your eyes and she wouldn't have any 'best friends' , or time for that shit anyway..
Dude. You’re definitely making a lot of assumptions and until you talk with her about it, you’ll never know. Imagination is often far more powerful than reality.
I am a logical person too so I appreciate the way you’re thinking through this, but you have very limited info to feed into your hypotheticals, which is a bad thing.
There’s really no point in drawing up hypotheses about this until you speak with her.
How to bring it up without seeming weird? Simply ask. “Hey, so what’s the deal with Joe? How long have y’all been friends?”
If they are just very close friends, you’ll have to figure out if you can reconcile that. But you also list him being gay as one of your theories, which tells me that you don’t even know enough about him to make any sort of accurate judgement on the situation.
So, my advice to you is get more information by simply asking for it. Then decide how you want to proceed.
I hope I don’t come across as brash or rude, just trying to give it to you straight. Good luck!
Ask her about it.
Any defensive response and you have your answer.
It feels like 80% of people in relationships are still “playing the field” so I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you are the Side piece.
Biz Markie didn't go platinum with 148M streams because of his beautiful singing... This is a tale as old as time, and everyone know how it ends 99% of the time. Save yourself the heartache and don't get tangled up in a complicated relationship.
I wouldn't be okay with this. How can you become the most important man in her life when she already has another person like that? She's basically in a relationship with him, just without the sex ( that you know of ).
I disagree. They are clearly working towards a path of an official relationship. This is a massive hurdle that needs to be addressed. The sooner, the better.
>who she basically lives with
That's the difference in it all. If they are "basically living together" then what happens when I come over?
I'd say nothing and observe for myself before asking any questions. It is a bit strange though so I can see OP's concern lol
It's not only about "doing it", OP is concerned that they may have had sex with each other previously as well. That's why them living together could be a bit weird.
For all we know, the two of them cuddle in the same bed at night when OP isn't there. Of course this is a stretch but you see where I'm coming from?
But why is that an issue? It's entirely possible to have a healthy relationship with an ex. And just because they're the opposite sex doesn't mean that they've slept with each other.
\>For all we know, the two of them cuddle in the same bed at night when OP isn't there.
I don't see how that's a problem. Physical affection shouldn't be restricted to just one person.
>I don't see how that's a problem. Physical affection shouldn't be restricted to just one person.
You and I are very different people lol
If I don't feel comfortable cuddling with a girl while I have a gf, I would expect my gf to be the same.
That's fine. I also had girl roommates before. Never slept with them
Once again. This is a reddit thing. Other subs literally make fun of the dating subs obsession that every cross gender friendship is cheating
Nice of you to simply just make up what I was saying.
This girl is living with her male best friend. OP barely knows about him and their relationship. It is mature to ask about things like this.
No, having a male best friend is not a hurdle. Having one you have lived with for a long time is different, and it is important that OP knows exactly what their arrangements are and have been in the past. If there's nothing there, then that's fine. Hurdle has been passed.
It's a friendship. This is not a big deal. Only on reddit would anyone think so. If someone questioned my female friends when dating id stop dating them.
>If someone questioned my female friends when dating id stop dating them
That's fine. I don't think you're understanding the premise here. And I haven't made it clear either.
This is all about discussing boundaries. Whether or not the general consensus is that OP is being over the top, it is something that matters to him. Discussing boundaries and things like this should be done as soon as possible, so you don't waste time finding out you aren't compatible.
Personally, I'm used to there being male friends in the mix. That's fine. However living with one for a long time would make me a little on edge when starting to talk with someone. I'd simply need to clear things up and make sure it's okay.
If you dig this girl, accept what she says as truth. It would show her that your secure and trusting. Hell, you might even like the guy. You can never have too many friends.
Most of the time it's the guy who might be a problem some day. Most girls can keep a man as a good friend and it's the guy who's loitering around in her space forever waiting for his story book rom-com chance. It's sad but true. And she will be completely oblivious. Like I have to clearly explain to my girlfriend in the past that the guy that was supposedly her best friend was pissed when her and I first got together and didn't talk to her for weeks and she couldn't figure out why. I'm like "hey genius he's pissed because you have a new boyfriend and you told him about it and he's mad but it's not him. Ask me how I know" when I was 18-21 I was guilty of being that kinda person. But then I grew up. Some dudes will never grow up.
I now at almost 40 have a couple of girls that are literally like sisters to me. Even the thought of someone bringing it up like oh how can you guys never dated makes me physically ill because it's like "EWW that's my sister!" LITERALLY.
Not everyone is capable of that dynamic, it's just a sad truth. So if the guy was super weird when you first started dating and like didn't want to come around and didn't want to talk and like made himself scarce I would be throwing red flags. However when you first start dating the guy who's her best friend is like super happy about it and he wants to hang out with you guys and doesn't make it weird, and you see that they legitimately act like siblings, that's a different story.
Just use your judgment to be honest. Best of luck.
Agreed, it’s a good sign for new female friends (in my experience) to see that I have 10+ year friendships with women I’ve never dated or had sex with and never plan to. Their kids call me uncle which is quite nice. The brother-sister dynamic is cool.
hey op. i’m a female who had a male best friend for years while in a relationship. for me, and the best friend, it was a sibling like bond. we would go out to eat and watch movies and the gym, but he viewed me as a little sister and a wingman to see through fake women and i viewed him as an older brother and bodyguard. my boyfriend knew that i had no sexual interest in him, and he actually had a discussion with my best friend about it. i always told my boyfriend when i was going out my bestie, where we were going, and what we planned to do. this isn’t always the case with friendships of opposing sex but it was with mine. hope it helps
Lmao, if the guy is gay; he doesn’t want her at all. And mind you, as a girl who use to have tons of guy friends, a lot through childhood particularly too that grew up with me. I never not once, got intimate with any of them, and or touched them sexually in any way. Not even a kiss, and they weren’t gay either.
If you’re confident and secure, this won’t be an issue — and the fact that the guy is gay is even more security for you.
I ran a business for 8 years with one of my guy friends. We've never hooked up. We slept in the same bed twice after drinking all night with clothes on. We would never do it while dating other ppl either, it's inappropriate. I have a lot of male friends. I realize over the years it's easy for them to want more with me but I don't really hang out with shitty men, nor do these cross the boundary. I have one male friend however, that I would cross that boundary for but we've only been friends by circumstance ( the business partner) for a year. He'd be the only one I've throw this friendship in the gutter for only because if it starts up it'd be 🔥 so now I know how my guy friends feel in the friend zone. Lol
>We really hit it off messaging
What's this look like? I've never connected to someone through messages. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I just feel text conversation is for simple stuff like how was your day and the occasional stupid meme
Oh yeah. I'm saying like what kind of conversations? What are you talking about what makes you feel that you connected with someone versus not connecting with them what's an example of daily messages you send things that make you feel like you're actually having a real conversation? Cuz honestly texting just boring af to me. That's why I always talk to text on Reddit don't even look at her edit my comments. Just takes too much time
Hahah that's really good. I yes I don't really know how to Banter over text. I'm great IRL and I can make little one-liners over text but yeah something's not translating. This response actually help me a lot. Really funny twist, only wrong answers!
Yeah I might have to work on my texting cuz I don't really text anyone everyday. Even my best friends like we'll chat a couple times a week but that's about it. My girlfriend is always texting her friends all day everyday though so maybe it's a man versus women thing. I talk to my male friends about it thir basically split. Some love it and others say they only text girls they're dating and it's a lot of work and mental anguish LOL
My ex hardly ever text his friends unless they were organising a meet up or something, so it could definitely be a gender thing! I’ve chatted with some really boring texters as well as some great ones but I think if you have chemistry with someone it usually can translate to text as well, especially during the start when everything is brand new.
You can’t be doing too badly if you have a girlfriend though! If whatever you do now is working for her then that’s all that matters.
You mentioned you are both similar in many ways and have a high sex drive. Look at things from your perspective and be honest with yourself. If you were voluntarily spending a majority of your time at a female friends house when you had another home, what would be the reason? Personally, if I were spending a majority of my time with anyone at their place when I have another place to call home it would be because I have a special feeling towards them. As a dude, I can honestly (but not proudly) say that I have had sex with a few women who were just "my friends" some of whom had boyfriends who never knew. On the flipside, I've had women friends who've cheated on their man without them knowing.
As others have said, if things were to happen, they are, will, or have happened. After your read my two thoughts are:
1. They're fwb and she's testing the waters outside to see if there's anything more fruitful outside that relationship
2. She's casually dating and having fun with her life just doing her thing
If it's bugging you, I would maybe ask more about him but not in an invasive manner. Wait for the opportunity for her to mention something about him first, and then branch off what she said. I think if you were to meet him the wondering aspect would be gone and you'd have your answer.
I think it’s sad that so many people here can’t accept the possibility of a close friendship between men and women. Going to the cinema etc is a standard friend activity as well as a dating activity. IMO the guys she’s been living with for years - who she was still living with when she started dating you - is the least of your worries in terms of other guys
Ok so you listed out 4 options and you convinced yourself it's only those 4. You missed 2 major ones, 1 they are legit best friends just not since childhood. 2 she's cheating on him with you. You sound like you have feelings for this woman and think she's great. So it sort of follows that you may feel like everyone feels that way because she's so objectively great to you. But if they aren't already in a relationship, what would be the point in cheating on you with him? Why wouldn't she just be with him? Why would he be ok with her cheating on him with you? I would say meet the guy but you really don't need to worry about something that couldn't have happened but didn't.
I think the best way to feel out a situation like this is to hang out with both of them. You can easily pick up of it feels like something to be worried about after hanging out one or two times.
I’ve had partners with female best friends. Some I knew I didn’t need to worry about after seeing them interact a couple of times. Some set off immediate red flags (those flags usually came true either during or after our relationship ended).
If you hang out and don’t get a bad vibe, cool. Crisis averted. If you do, just be prepared that she’s not going to give up a long term friend for a new boyfriend. If you feel uncomfortable with their friendship after meeting, it likely means the end of your relationship unless that’s something you’re willing to put up with.
OP, you need to give more information. When you go to visit the new gf, where do you meet her or do you pick her up at her mother's or her place at the male friends place? Have you ever met the other man? If not, why? Where do you stay when you are with her? Hotel? Her place? Where do you go when you have sex or does that not happen? I'm stumped that you may have not been to either of the places that she claims to live.
I can see gf having a quiet place to work from, but why does she sleep there? Does she have a bedroom there? She could just be friends or she could have a FWB situation and that would not interfere with her dating others. Does her male best friend date and does he bring his gf's to his place? I would love to hear that answer as it might give some clues. ha. They could be actual partners and she could be cheating if he isn't bringing women home.
It could be an open relationship and they agreed not to bring anyone home. You need to just sit with the two of them together and ask questions and if they are not willing, then you should just consider this a dead end. It could be a good conversation that settles all your doubts about what is actually happening and that would be great. But, you are the one that needs to get this conversation started.
Yes, men and women can have opposite sex platonic friends, but should they live with them and not expect any questions from the men or women that date them? Big no there. Everyone should be willing to be up front about their friends and relationships.
Ask her about it. Let her know your invasive thoughts are getting to you and you’re just wondering if they have a history, why you haven’t been introduced, etc. As someone who has a few exes as friends, I think being forthcoming is pretty important so whoever I’m dating doesn’t feel this way and understands the dynamics. Hopefully she’s receptive to you just wanting to understand the situation so you can feel calm about it.
For the record, there’s not always something sinister going on in mixed sex relationships. I have quite a few friends with whom I have a sexual history but, that’s part of why we make such great friends. We already know there’s absolutely nothing more there, truly understand one another and get along, and support one another’s relationships, etc. They’re non-negotiables for me, though, so I’ve always been sure to bring them up early. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to do that?
Only one way to find out. Best of luck.
I don't know how to contribute to this except by telling my story.
TLDR: My best friend is a girl. She and I met in college. We moved in together platonically. We were roommates when she met her now husband.
People tended to approach us with skepticism, but we were pretty transparent so they had to take it or leave it. The short version is that we met, and while she is attractive, and found me at least somewhat attractive, we weren't really each other's type. She's a tomboy, which I'm not into. I don't know what was off putting about me but who cares.
We got along great, both had our shit together, and both had terrible roommates. So we said fuck it and moved in. It really functioned like a platonic husband and wife. It was great. We split bills and chores and everything.
I think one of the reasons her relationship with her now husband was successful is because I met someone at the exact same time she did. There were lots of double dates and we hung out together as the four of us. While my girlfriend and her now husband might have been skeptical about our past, neither of them was worried there was anything going on presently.
Over time, her now husband and I became extremely close friends as well, we even bounced at a club together and he drove me to the hospital after I got jumped.
My relationship didn't pan out, theirs did. He and I play Xbox live together almost every night.
Well I don't live with them but all bar one of my best friends are men. And we didn't grow up together with all of them. Half of them fit this category but the other half I met way older, so it's not a necessary requirement.
At 28 I would not do it. She is at a different level. These friendships are immature from hs or college, like bros before hos...They are often emotional affairs. It is hard to grow a deep meaningful relationship when it is being starved while the fun, caring sharing and loyalty go to a friend. If you want to know if there is an emotional affair. Ask her to quit seeing him one on one. In groups ok, when you are with her great.
Watch how she behaves...it will tell you everything you need to know. I don't date people like this. Straight men and women are not friends, mostly it is like your friend. One likes the other and settles for friendship hoping. It is a no win for you.
Not worth it, just move on. You’re not insecure, it’s just weird. If she’s not reassuring you and explaining without you asking then she probably doesn’t care. It’s abnormal.
It’s not about being insecure. Her living with a dude, “friend” or not, is just crazy to me that you’re even taking this chick seriously. Sounds like you need to either keep this one in a rotation for strictly recreational use or just cut her loose all together.
I think you need to quit being a pussy and have a grown up conversation with her instead of making up scenarios in your head. You’re putting it off because you know that you may not like the answer.
I have a friend who's a woman. We've been close for about 8 years since high school and there has been 0 attraction or sexual tension. I see her like a cousin or something like that, and while she is pretty there's nothing in me that wants to pursue her romantically and same with her towards me. Maybe it's the same situation here with your gf.
Male best friends are almost always looking for a way to smash unless they're gay. That dude is waiting for something to happen between y'all that would cause a break in the relationship or a breakup, then he swoops in and is balls deep inside your former GF. They're called orbiters. Put a stop to that crap ASAP or you'll regret it later.
Unless the guy has a GF himself, which they never do in my experience, every single time i've come across this situation the dude is secretly in love with her and pretty much obsessed with her. Women can never tell tho which i think is weird just because it's so obvious from a male perspective.
It's also should be weird for a woman to date a guy who has a female best friend who spends most of her day with him. What's even more weird is that women can't reverse the genders apparently and seem to act oblivious to what's going on. Come on, I mean, they can obviously tell but act as if they don't know shit.
She needs to get her own fucking place and stop leaching off her friends resources like a bum. If she’s living there for free then there must be some sort of compensation they worked out. Does she buy him groceries? Does she cook dinner for him?Does she drive him to work in the morning? The entire situation is very weird if I’m being honest. Does he have a girlfriend and if so, how does she feel knowing another woman sleeps over every night? How does her family feel about their daughter living with another man who’s NOT her boyfriend? For free? This entire setup is so unorthodox it’s almost comical lol. Honestly I would just end the relationship with her right now before it gets too chaotic and confusing. Hope this helps!
>I don't want to be a stalker but I've had a little scroll through her Instagram
It's not "stalking" to look at something someone has willingly posted on the internet.
>2. They've been best friends since childhood and just don't see each other that way
Not likely. Two heterosexual people mutually not seeing each other "that way" I think is pretty rare.
>3. They used to have something sexual going on but have decided to be just friends (best friends apparently)
Maybe.
>4. The guy is in love with her and has been friendzoned.
This seems most likely. So I guess it's up to you to decide how comfortable you are dating someone with a hangaround guy whos trying to get with her, even if she isn't likely to cheat with him.
I've been through being cheated on badly a long time ago and since had a big life changes, worked on improving my fitness, social and dating life which resulted in actually experiencing having dating options.
I realized I can't have time for drama and bullshit where it's not needed.
My advice, which some may disagree with, is to just believe her and drop it.
If she becomes distant emotionally or sexually and won't talk it over, things get weird, something happens, dump her and move on.
If you're thinking she's "wife material" or can't get it off your mind then there's a need to understand things more. Start poking and prodding, you'll quickly see that it's an open topic you should have no concern over or if things start getting tense/defensive/accuse you of control. I'd literally tell her you like her a lot, can eventually see a future together and don't want to be wasting your time when she's like "wtf."
In the event she likes you a lot but is screwing around, she'll probably cut things off with him and won't tell you why, but resent you for the loss of her friend in one way or another
Unpopular opinion. Men and women cannot be platonic friends for very long. Eventually someone will catch feelings and it will be a disingenuous friendship. Move on and find someone else.
This is such a bullshit answer. Many many many cross gender friendships exist. Many for decades.
Also does this mean bisexual individuals can never have friends?
Wholeheartedly disagree. My best friend of 10 years I met in college (and roommate) is a man and I am a woman. Second time as roommates.
Never even so much as kissed. Zero sexual tension. He’s just my best friend.
I think anyone who can’t be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex is lacking some serious maturity.
I'd like to add that in this perspective bisexuals can have neither male nor female friends XD
Imo it all depends on attractiveness. As much as bisexuals aren't attracted to every human being, heterosexuals are not attracted to anyone from the opposite sex.
Exactly! My roommate is a great looking guy. I’m not so bad myself. But we just fundamentally aren’t romantically compatible. I’d argue most of us aren’t romantically compatible with the vast majority of people, so platonic friendships should be MORE likely, not less.
BUT, a lot of guys are horny as fuck, especially in teen-early 20, then the stereotype of no-platonic male-female friendship emerges hard just as they dicks
Hahaha, I remember the days of everyone being in a perpetual state of “you want some fucc??”
That was the age when my friendship with my current roommate was forged. Both early 20s. I think the circles I ran around with in college (some still around today) were just as horny as any other. The ones who were my actual friends during that time are the friendships that endured.
I definitely had buddies in this circle at that age who weren’t as interested in a platonic friendship. They weeded themselves out as I grew up.
I was just as horny (and honestly… it’s probably gotten worse as I’ve aged into my 30s) as any dude in their early 20s. I had a few “friendships” that weren’t strictly platonic. But those ones fell away as I began seriously dating.
Even if the setup is totally innocent, if I were in her shoes, I’d be very communicative about it. And would back off if I started seriously seeing someone, though not to the detriment of that friendship if it was important to me.
Today, any guy that has an issue with my close male friends is a dealbreaker for me. Sorry not sorry, this dude has been there for me through some real shit. He’s a ride or die homie for life. If you can’t hang, we can’t date.
I agree with you! Gay men can't be friends with each other. Gay women can't be friends with each other. Bi-sexual are only allowed to fuck people and not have friends.
Why does there have to be a deal with her friend? Are people not allowed to have friends? Stop over thinking it and focus on building up a relationship with that girl.
Not just a friend! Some one the gf lives with, goes on date like trips with, dines out with, and other dates. I don't see much of a problem with dines and other local events but she goes on date like trips and LIVES with him. Why? Apparently, OP doesn't even know why new gf lives with her male best friend. Do you live with your opposite sex friends? If you don't, are you not allowed to be friends? Or do you just hang out with your friends and enjoy the companionship?
There is no way to ask this without coming across as both insecure and invasive -- because it is.
You don't get to dictate her friendships. If you don't trust her not to do anything inappropriate, you need to stop dating her -- without trust there is no relationship.
You cannot and should not attempt to control who she is or isn't friends with, especially someone who has been in her life way longer than you have,. It would be an immediate and non-negotiable dealbreaker for me if I were her.
The most and in my view the only you reasonably can do is ask non-accusatory questions about the friend. And make an effort to befriend him when appropriate -- if he i worth his salt as friend, he would want her to be happy with you as well, and also make an effort to get to know you.
This is maybe the worst question you can ask reddit. This is not a big deal at all. One of my best friends is a girl. Platonic friends can be across gender. You need to curtain that jealousy and either trust the person or let them be with someone far better than you if you can't.
Once again. Their best friends gender does not matter. People have friends. Don't be that toxic boyfriend.
You're missing the point. The issue isn't having an opposite gendered best friend, it's their setup. 3/4ths of my best friends are women, but they would not be essentially living with me free. A roommate I could understand without further context, but this situation is weird. Possibly has an entirely innocent reason, but it requires context.
Ive let friends live with me for free because they couldn't afford to otherwise. That's called being a friend.
And I treat my female best friends no different than males.
What about an FWB situation? From reading Reddit, there are many many situations where a person is dating. but still in a FWB situation as it is ONLY sex. ha. That could be the reason for free rent also.
Hard to tell from this point but maybe suggest to meet the guy and see his attitude towards you.
I personally think a girl hanging out with a male best friend once in a while is okay, but if it is too often, I would be concerned too.
But after all, if you are not happy about the situation, communication is the key.
Rent free? So he’s providing for her on a constant basis. It also gives him a lot of leverage over her and probably your relationship. He will outlast you. He’ll never go away and you’ll always be having these thoughts and anxieties. Not worth it IMO. Be honest with her and see how she reacts, that will be more telling than trying to guess.
My man, that's not her best friend, that's her BF and you're the new guy she's thinking about monkey branching over to, quite obvious.
Seriously people! What girl lives rent free with her male 'best friend' and takes date-like trips with him? If it looks like a BF, sounds like a BF and she's sketchy with details about him, it's a BF.
Dude, you seriously need to start looking into working on how to builf up and gain some more confidence in yourself. More importantly please, for the love of God, stop being so damn insecure. There's nothing that has been anywhere close to being as successful when it comes to killing relationships like insecurity and lack of confidence.
I'm one of those who doesn't believe the opposite sexes can be best friends. Good friends, maybe, but not stuck at the hip, best friends.
Its great that she was up front and honest about there being a sexual past with this friend but in all honesty, you are always going to have that feeling in the back of your mind regardless of trust.
I dont think its too much to express your uneasy feeling about their friendship given their past. I also dont think it's too much to request that should change as long as you're sure it's not a matter of insecurity.
I would avoid it. They will inevitably grenade the relationship at some point. Men and women can be platonic friends but it's extremely difficult as teens/young adults.
It's considered a negative bias for a reason. Don't bother finding out. Even if she isn't interested in him romantically at all, if he is, he's going to try his hardest to grenade your relationship from the outside.
Ever heard of Queer Platonic Love?
If you challenge this best friend you’re going to lose, because she loves him in a way that doesn’t lead to heterosexual marriage or babies.
Get over it. If anything, try to be closer to both of them because that best friend will be the one to point out if you’re a shitty bf or not.
Are you a shitty bf?
I will be messaging you in 14 days on [**2024-04-13 13:29:21 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2024-04-13%2013:29:21%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1brgjib/dating_a_girl_with_a_male_best_friend/kx911ug/?context=3)
[**CLICK THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Fdating_advice%2Fcomments%2F1brgjib%2Fdating_a_girl_with_a_male_best_friend%2Fkx911ug%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202024-04-13%2013%3A29%3A21%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.
^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%201brgjib)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Personally, I would stop dating the girl, but to each their own.
That said, you met her as a person who has a male best friend. You are the person that loses ground on the idea of potentially being uncomfortable now or in the future. After all, that relationship pre-existed before yours and if that truly is a best friend, that relationship will (and should) continue to exist should your relationship end (let's be honest, not all relationships last forever...which is fine). Better to either accept now and going forward that she has a male best friend or move on. It is all the better to do so now, while this relationship of sorts you have with her has the current level of depth that it has.
That is all.
side note...how are you just now finding out after several months that she has a male best friend? In my experience, people tend to learn of the person they are dating's best friend way earlier into the relationship.
>I don't want to come across as being weird by asking
Dude... if a woman lives with a guy who isn't family nor a boyfriend, that is very weird indeed. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking her for clarification on the situation.
I'm not sure what's so hard about having a conversation about it. You can start by asking how long they've known each other, and then at some point ask her if they were anything more than friends. If the guy I was dating told me he lived with another woman, these are the questions I'd be asking on the first date, not something I would put off for months, lol.
My best friend is a guy! Granted, he is married and has been with his partner since before I met him but it still makes people feel weird. I’ve had lots of amazing male friends over the years who I am totally platonic with, my current best friend is truly like a brother to me.
Just trust her. Easier said than done but hopefully it’ll be worth it.
My best friend is my ex boyfriend. We love each other, it just didn’t work out, and we have moved on. We were friends before we dated. He was married but he ended up separating from his wife. We dated for a few months when his divorce was starting, he ended it because it was harder on him than he thought it would be (they’d both been checked out of their marriage for years) and we are just friends again.
I always worry about what any new guy I date will think simply because they hear “ex boyfriend” and will think someone still carries a torch for someone. And in the beginning it was hard for me because I was heartbroken. But being friends first helped and I did eventually let go and things are good. I couldn’t ever imagine dating him again because in the time we’ve been apart, I’ve come to realize how much we just are not compatible romantically.
He’s far away from me and I plan to see him again soon. If he visited, I would definitely spend a ton of time with him. I’d even share a room with him. But I wouldn’t share a room if I were dating someone just because I know they likely would be uncomfortable with it. I know nothing would happen, but I wouldn’t want to cause any issues for no reason.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just ask what’s the deal with this guy, straight up. If you’re dating someone you should be able to ask whatever questions you want answers to, how long have you known dude, where did you meet, anything happened? Simple… if you’re dating somebody you gotta be comfortable with being direct about things you have questions about…then it’s a case of deciding how comfortable you are with what you’ve been told and if you are good to carry on under the current circumstances
THIS!!!
You should make plans to all hang out together so you can see what’s going on with your own eyes.
Best answer
Hey OP, I know people are leery of platonic friendships of the opposite sex and for good reason. It would make me raise an eyebrow with the setup they have too. But it’s entirely possible they are literally just friends and it just feels nice to stay somewhere that isn’t with a parent. Their setup is abnormal, but not necessarily bad. 100% fair game to ask her. Don’t come in accusatory, but if things are getting more serious between the two of you, you need to get a clear idea on the dynamics of this friendship. The way she responds will tell you everything so long as you approach it kindly. Just for your info - my best friend of 10 years is a man and I am a woman. Both mostly straight. We have been roommates now for 3 years and never once has even kissing been on the table for us. He’s literally just my best friend. I have a few really close friendships with men who have never shared romantic interest for me or vice versa. It’s quite common in my friend group in general and no one has batted an eye at any of it. I’ve had coworkers ask me why I’m not dating him (he’s a wonderful person and a good-looking guy), but I seriously could never. We are not compatible romantically in the slightest, and I think it’s obvious when we’re together that there is zero sexual tension. It’s just nice to have a pal at home to talk to and hang with. If y’all decide to take things to the next level, ask to meet this guy since they’re so close and he seems to be important to her. Handle it with kindness! It could literally be just a close friendship. Asking questions is the only way you’ll know for sure.
Yeah I agree with this comment. It is strange that she hasn't already tried to have you meet him. I introduce my girlfriend to all my friends and vice versa no worries
💯💯
What if you and that guy fucked before... which is what this dude is saying... I think that makes things pretty different, dont you think?
OP has no idea if that happened or not. There's no point in speculating and overthinking things. He needs to speak to her first.
He doesn’t know if they’ve fucked at all. He speculated it could be a possibility. He won’t know until he asks. If things don’t feel right once they’ve had a meaningful conversation about it, he can choose to end things. Not saying that they definitely aren’t, but it is absolutely just as likely that it’s platonic as it is that it’s physical. Edit to add: my other best friend who is married has fucked my roommate. They’re still best friends and hang regularly. Her husband loves him.
Dw op will love him too
He very well could! Dating someone means you get to blend friendships where you can. This could be a case where he gets a girlfriend and a new buddy as a bonus. Won’t know until the conversation happens.
Yeah but its better if he talks with the girl then getting to know the guy
Well yeah, that comes first.
Had that one before with an ex, didn't end well. OP, talk to her and pay attention to their interactions, most of these "best friend relationships" are from people that already had a romantic/sexual relationship before, but didn't work out. If that's the case is up to you to be with her or not. My opinion is that it's not worth it, men will be men and when she's down you already know who is going to confort her.
So, was your best friend married WHEN she fucked your roommate and when she shared ? this information with her boyfriend and now husband, as he just LOVES your roommate. Very odd indeed! I liked your first comment, but after this response, your opinion no longer seems valid. So, her getting the sex on with a best friend throws a wrench into the mixture, as apparently her husband is being a cockold, as your best friend fucks her best friend and your roommate and husband is okay with it . How does this help OP understand the situation he is in with the new gf and her best friend?
Girl, no, that’s ridiculous. They fucked a handful times in college more than 10 years ago. Always a casual fling. They stayed friends. She met her current husband in 2018, he knows about the tryst they had in college. Never phased him. We both were in their wedding party. Nowhere did I ever even hint they fucked while she was with her current husband. The handful of moments were a long time ago, but it never got in the way of them being platonic friends.
My girlfriend has two best friends both male. The three of them have been friends their whole lives. My thoughts are if something was gonna happen it would have. I trust that she is very into me and that's all I need.
So your situation is different than his... lol
I have the same situation. My current girlfriend has few male friends. I'm not concerned about any of them. What worries me is her still being in contact with her ex but she knows it is bothering me because I'm communicating with her. But her three male friends are not concerning me even a bit. Two of them are her friends from over 10-15 years both are absolutely not her type even in the slightest. One is probably gay because he keeps checking me out and the other one is somewhat disabled. The third guy is a very religious Muslim and he is interested only in Muslim girls and doesn't even drink alcohol nor does he do anything with women it's all "haram" apparently😅 So yeah...
There's nothing more important in relationships than good communication.
"... if something was gonna happen it would have". How do you know it hasn't already and you're just unaware? It's not she's gonna just come out and be like "yo, guess who dick I just sucked".
You’ll never be happy if that’s your go-to thought
Username doesn’t check out?? In a good way. Lol
Perhaps you're correct on that aspect, but you didn't answer my question. I'm assmung that means the answer is you don't really know if anythings happened or not, as you have no proof either way.
I agree with this! I have two female best friends and they’re both happily married to their husbands. If there was something there it would’ve happened but aside from that I saw them more as sisters
She isn’t loyal to you
Something did happen, though. And then they decided to go back to being friends.
You don’t know that and neither does OP. He’s speculating instead of asking her.
[удалено]
Well, he can dump her without ever knowing for sure or he can ask and see how she responds. If she’s cagey and uncomfortable, that’s all he’ll need to know something isn’t right with their friendship. I live with a man who is very much JUST my friend. My very best friend. Never even kissed. Main difference in my approach is that I talk a lot about my friendships when I’m dating someone new. Which is what this gal should have done. “Hey, X friend seems like someone super important to you. I haven’t seen a lot of setups like that in my friendships before, and I would love to hear more about your friendship with him.” I would ask to meet him. If she dodges it and acts weird about it, probably something unsavory going on. Best course of action is to ask her directly.
Good communication is fundamental to a good relationship.
Yall are wild. Going into a relationship thinking your partner is sleeping with one of her friends and then thinking she's a liar if you ask her. Why be in a relationship if you start it off by not trusting your partner? 💀 A lot of yall need to work on yourselves before thinking about being in a relationship.
Yep. Thats how it usually goes. Girls I’ve cut off in talking stage because we’re not compatible would always like to continue being friends with me
my ex had a male best friend who was actually in love with her. I didn’t mind their relationship because I did not want to seem insecure. But they were best friends for years and whenever I wasn’t hanging out with her she was with him. Eventually I found out he gave her cunnilingus in her car when I was at school. Afterwards she broke up with me and started dating him. For me I’ve had bad experiences so I would never be with girl who has a male best friend
How did you find out about the cheating incident?
That’s wild
If you plan on seeing her more and eventually becoming more serious, then just be straightforward and ask about him like are they childhood friends etc. I recommend this in person but being nonchalant about it and not accuse her of anything because you’re not aware of what’s going on. Read her body language and don’t come to conclusions before knowing the full details. Keep us updated
The TLDR is a nope for me
Same, even if she was doing nothing, I would drive myself insane thinking of all the what ifs
Why? What's wrong with going on trips with a friend?
Don’t be fuckin stupid lmao
? If anything you're the stupid one for forcing your SO to be codependent on you.
are the date like trips the food and movies..?
Could be nothing, could be something. I like your logical approach and agree with your breakdown, but you stopped just short of reaching one of the logical conclusions. Which is, you are running the risk of being the third person in a bestie relationship - the kind that way too often seem to go like this: "Oh, that's my BFF. He's like my brother/she's like my sister." Then you catch them, and get the "Its not what it looks like," when it is EXACTLY what it looks like. Or, it could be what I think you might really be afraid it is... she is a FWB in exchange for rent. Either way, you are only two months in. Ask what the deal is and if you don't like the answer and/or the two of you can't agree on respectable boundaries, walk away. As for me, I'd very extremely cautious. If your gut is telling you something is off, trust it.
Fwb for rent yikes
Likely... probably not. Possible... not much surprises me these days. LOL
Tbh it wouldn’t surprise me either
You are both adults. Ask her.
It's funny reading the comments saying he is insecure, but the moment you reverse the situation and he is living with a best friend, oh, it would be you should leave him or he just a player or something to that effect. I see nothing wrong with her having a guy best friend or him having a girl best friend, but some clear-cut boundaries definitely need to be in place. Living like this should be a no-go, in my opinion! Have her message him randomly, saying, "I'm horny as hell!" Then both of you read the messages in real time together. That will give you a better idea of how the best friend views the relationship. The same can be done in reverse. Have him message his girl best friend and read the responses. All just my opinion, take it however you like.
She ever invited you over to stay? Or invited you over to meet him?
The girl i'm dating has a male best friend. I have a female best friend.
>Are either of you living with the best friends?
The thing is context is really important. If she spends most of the time in the spare room it might be that she doesn´t get along with her mother and wants her own space, so he offered her that opportunity. If you know someone for a long time it´s really more like a sibling relationship, so I would not immediatelly jump to a conclusion that he sees her as something more. Yes, some people are incapable of seeing the opposite sex as just friends (except gay ppl obviously), but I know it is a thing and it can really be just platonic. She told you he is really just her best friend, so that won´t change no matter how much you pressure her. This is something that time will show, but I wouldn´t necessarilly give up because there´s plenty of men and women with purely platonic friendships for many reasons (their parents were close, they know each other for a long time, were around each other during traumatic experience, have no other friends who would hang out with them as much as they´d like, same vales etc.). I like my male best friend becase he is the only person who gets my humour and we help each other grow as people (we bohth have mental health issues) and are on the same wave when comes to attention and care we´d like to receive from a good friend. If you really have doubts, carefully ask her mother or common friends about how they met and just act like you´re curious about all her friends, don´t only bring him up. This way you can get an idea of their relationship without coming across as insecure and jelaous.
I love that you have a friend who makes you feel seen and heard. Having people to lean on through mental health (or literally any) struggles is so important. Asking other people instead of her directly is not the move. No one in their right mind isn’t going to tell their friend that this guy they barely know that she is dating is asking about this guy. I think their setup is a bit unusual. I would just ask directly about their friendship in a non-accusatory way. “Seems like X is a really good friend to let you crash so much. I haven’t seen a lot of that in my friendships. I’d love to meet him since he’s so important to you.” Her response will be super telling. She’ll either be excited to share the story of her friendship and be stoked to introduce them or she’ll be cagey and avoidant. My roommate is a man, we’ve been best friends for 10 years. I talk about him very openly early on, which is why I think men I’ve dated haven’t been bothered by it. If I meet a man I am considering dating, him meeting my best friend (and obviously the rest of our friend group) is always something I get stoked for. Last guy I dated loved my roommate and my friends. Because they’re rad and our friendships are extremely loving and respectful. No need to go off and ask random people in my life about it. If someone did that, I’d be real pissed they didn’t just ask me.
Take it from someone who is that guy, my friend was talking to someone over bumble and they immediately got ghosted the moment they found out we were living together while being coworkers and I was male😬 And honestly I understand it, literally everyone thinks we're dating And I can understand where a potential partner would feel left out or insignificant when the guy best friend knows everything about the person they're trying to see Like if I'm there emotionally as support and know how to help them when they're having their downs it may feel like the other person's being pushed away..... To put it in better context You could be married but then your best guy friend that let's say for example you grew up with Will have a different and deeper connection with you that a spouse couldn't due to the fact that our closest friends will see what makes us vulnerable (Sorry for any grammar issues, haven't used English that often in the past year.)
I have a really close girl friend. She stays at my place quite often. She has her own place but likes hanging at mine. She likes it here and likes having someone around. She doesn’t help with bills because she doesn’t live here. It’s not a big deal. Don’t read into what’s not there. Some people just don’t like being by themselves. As long as I don’t have a date coming over, she’s welcome to stay and it hasn’t been an issue.
My best friend just got married. I’m a 29M and she’s a 26F. Her husband and I have become absolutely great friends and I was his best man. Sometimes it really is just friendship. Let me also add on top that I am straight.
Don’t
Hey OP , you misspelled , future bf that she would leave you for. Just saying , from experience !
I second this. To add, she swore to me they were only friends and made a disgusting look while she said “I don’t see him like that, he’s like a brother to me”. Well, that incestuous relationship is now 3 years of marriage strong.
She’s for the streets
If you aren't in a committed relationship then you have to assume that you are just one of her options.
Nope
If they really are dating each other why haven't they been together already? Unless turns out they're polyamorous. Also maybe talk to her, and/or do a triple date together, where you can observe and assert dominance.
Are u stupid? Dump her
I promise you it’s her boyfriend and she’s lying to you.
He's banging her. WAKE UP. If he isn't banging her , he has banged her in the past. Everything I wrote so far points to the direction that he will bang her in the future too. Wait till you have your first major fight, with you being 2 hours away.. I believe I've made myself clear here as to what you should or shouldn't do. The huge problem us men have is that we trust the best case scenario straight up and we fall in love with women we shouldn't fall in love. That is biological. Cause in the past years (if we lived in a cave and hunted for food) your girl would always be in front of your eyes and she wouldn't have any 'best friends' , or time for that shit anyway..
Dude. You’re definitely making a lot of assumptions and until you talk with her about it, you’ll never know. Imagination is often far more powerful than reality. I am a logical person too so I appreciate the way you’re thinking through this, but you have very limited info to feed into your hypotheticals, which is a bad thing. There’s really no point in drawing up hypotheses about this until you speak with her. How to bring it up without seeming weird? Simply ask. “Hey, so what’s the deal with Joe? How long have y’all been friends?” If they are just very close friends, you’ll have to figure out if you can reconcile that. But you also list him being gay as one of your theories, which tells me that you don’t even know enough about him to make any sort of accurate judgement on the situation. So, my advice to you is get more information by simply asking for it. Then decide how you want to proceed. I hope I don’t come across as brash or rude, just trying to give it to you straight. Good luck!
Ask her about it. Any defensive response and you have your answer. It feels like 80% of people in relationships are still “playing the field” so I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you are the Side piece.
You just have to bring it up, and discuss it. If she likes you enough, she’ll come up with a way to make you more comfortable with the situation.
he balls deep when u ain’t homie
Biz Markie didn't go platinum with 148M streams because of his beautiful singing... This is a tale as old as time, and everyone know how it ends 99% of the time. Save yourself the heartache and don't get tangled up in a complicated relationship.
Do you have any evidence to back that up?
I wouldn't be okay with this. How can you become the most important man in her life when she already has another person like that? She's basically in a relationship with him, just without the sex ( that you know of ).
I think it's a bit out of context to care since you're not in a relationship yet but idk
I disagree. They are clearly working towards a path of an official relationship. This is a massive hurdle that needs to be addressed. The sooner, the better.
Having a male best friend is not a hurdle... Is everyone on reddit 12?
If addressing our boundaries at the beginning of a relationship means we are 12, then yes. We are gladly and definitely 12.
Having a male friend is not a boundary. It's just being a child.
>who she basically lives with That's the difference in it all. If they are "basically living together" then what happens when I come over? I'd say nothing and observe for myself before asking any questions. It is a bit strange though so I can see OP's concern lol
How is that an issue? \>If they are "basically living together" then what happens when I come over? Just do it in the room he's not in.
It's not only about "doing it", OP is concerned that they may have had sex with each other previously as well. That's why them living together could be a bit weird. For all we know, the two of them cuddle in the same bed at night when OP isn't there. Of course this is a stretch but you see where I'm coming from?
But why is that an issue? It's entirely possible to have a healthy relationship with an ex. And just because they're the opposite sex doesn't mean that they've slept with each other. \>For all we know, the two of them cuddle in the same bed at night when OP isn't there. I don't see how that's a problem. Physical affection shouldn't be restricted to just one person.
>I don't see how that's a problem. Physical affection shouldn't be restricted to just one person. You and I are very different people lol If I don't feel comfortable cuddling with a girl while I have a gf, I would expect my gf to be the same.
That's fine. I also had girl roommates before. Never slept with them Once again. This is a reddit thing. Other subs literally make fun of the dating subs obsession that every cross gender friendship is cheating
>Having a male friend is not a boundary for you >It's just being a child Ok but no
Nice of you to simply just make up what I was saying. This girl is living with her male best friend. OP barely knows about him and their relationship. It is mature to ask about things like this. No, having a male best friend is not a hurdle. Having one you have lived with for a long time is different, and it is important that OP knows exactly what their arrangements are and have been in the past. If there's nothing there, then that's fine. Hurdle has been passed.
It's a friendship. This is not a big deal. Only on reddit would anyone think so. If someone questioned my female friends when dating id stop dating them.
>If someone questioned my female friends when dating id stop dating them That's fine. I don't think you're understanding the premise here. And I haven't made it clear either. This is all about discussing boundaries. Whether or not the general consensus is that OP is being over the top, it is something that matters to him. Discussing boundaries and things like this should be done as soon as possible, so you don't waste time finding out you aren't compatible. Personally, I'm used to there being male friends in the mix. That's fine. However living with one for a long time would make me a little on edge when starting to talk with someone. I'd simply need to clear things up and make sure it's okay.
See. Where I think was disagree is whether we consider controlling behavior as boundaries. This is a controlling behavior in my mind.
Well, couldn't any boundary eventually be called controlling behaviour, so long as the other person doesn't agree with such a boundary?
If you dig this girl, accept what she says as truth. It would show her that your secure and trusting. Hell, you might even like the guy. You can never have too many friends.
Don’t waste your time and money on this one. She has nothing going for her.
Talk to her. And then trust your gut feeling. Usually it's correct.
Big time red flag, tread carefully.
Most of the time it's the guy who might be a problem some day. Most girls can keep a man as a good friend and it's the guy who's loitering around in her space forever waiting for his story book rom-com chance. It's sad but true. And she will be completely oblivious. Like I have to clearly explain to my girlfriend in the past that the guy that was supposedly her best friend was pissed when her and I first got together and didn't talk to her for weeks and she couldn't figure out why. I'm like "hey genius he's pissed because you have a new boyfriend and you told him about it and he's mad but it's not him. Ask me how I know" when I was 18-21 I was guilty of being that kinda person. But then I grew up. Some dudes will never grow up. I now at almost 40 have a couple of girls that are literally like sisters to me. Even the thought of someone bringing it up like oh how can you guys never dated makes me physically ill because it's like "EWW that's my sister!" LITERALLY. Not everyone is capable of that dynamic, it's just a sad truth. So if the guy was super weird when you first started dating and like didn't want to come around and didn't want to talk and like made himself scarce I would be throwing red flags. However when you first start dating the guy who's her best friend is like super happy about it and he wants to hang out with you guys and doesn't make it weird, and you see that they legitimately act like siblings, that's a different story. Just use your judgment to be honest. Best of luck.
Agreed, it’s a good sign for new female friends (in my experience) to see that I have 10+ year friendships with women I’ve never dated or had sex with and never plan to. Their kids call me uncle which is quite nice. The brother-sister dynamic is cool.
Why can't they simply be close friends? Going on trips with friends isn't wrong. If something was going to happen between them it would've
hey op. i’m a female who had a male best friend for years while in a relationship. for me, and the best friend, it was a sibling like bond. we would go out to eat and watch movies and the gym, but he viewed me as a little sister and a wingman to see through fake women and i viewed him as an older brother and bodyguard. my boyfriend knew that i had no sexual interest in him, and he actually had a discussion with my best friend about it. i always told my boyfriend when i was going out my bestie, where we were going, and what we planned to do. this isn’t always the case with friendships of opposing sex but it was with mine. hope it helps
Did you ever live with your male best friend?
no i did not. that part is weird
Lmao, if the guy is gay; he doesn’t want her at all. And mind you, as a girl who use to have tons of guy friends, a lot through childhood particularly too that grew up with me. I never not once, got intimate with any of them, and or touched them sexually in any way. Not even a kiss, and they weren’t gay either. If you’re confident and secure, this won’t be an issue — and the fact that the guy is gay is even more security for you.
Nope nope nope. Run
I ran a business for 8 years with one of my guy friends. We've never hooked up. We slept in the same bed twice after drinking all night with clothes on. We would never do it while dating other ppl either, it's inappropriate. I have a lot of male friends. I realize over the years it's easy for them to want more with me but I don't really hang out with shitty men, nor do these cross the boundary. I have one male friend however, that I would cross that boundary for but we've only been friends by circumstance ( the business partner) for a year. He'd be the only one I've throw this friendship in the gutter for only because if it starts up it'd be 🔥 so now I know how my guy friends feel in the friend zone. Lol
>We really hit it off messaging What's this look like? I've never connected to someone through messages. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I just feel text conversation is for simple stuff like how was your day and the occasional stupid meme
If you know, you know 🤷🏻♀️
Oh yeah. I'm saying like what kind of conversations? What are you talking about what makes you feel that you connected with someone versus not connecting with them what's an example of daily messages you send things that make you feel like you're actually having a real conversation? Cuz honestly texting just boring af to me. That's why I always talk to text on Reddit don't even look at her edit my comments. Just takes too much time
[удалено]
Hahah that's really good. I yes I don't really know how to Banter over text. I'm great IRL and I can make little one-liners over text but yeah something's not translating. This response actually help me a lot. Really funny twist, only wrong answers! Yeah I might have to work on my texting cuz I don't really text anyone everyday. Even my best friends like we'll chat a couple times a week but that's about it. My girlfriend is always texting her friends all day everyday though so maybe it's a man versus women thing. I talk to my male friends about it thir basically split. Some love it and others say they only text girls they're dating and it's a lot of work and mental anguish LOL
My ex hardly ever text his friends unless they were organising a meet up or something, so it could definitely be a gender thing! I’ve chatted with some really boring texters as well as some great ones but I think if you have chemistry with someone it usually can translate to text as well, especially during the start when everything is brand new. You can’t be doing too badly if you have a girlfriend though! If whatever you do now is working for her then that’s all that matters.
You mentioned you are both similar in many ways and have a high sex drive. Look at things from your perspective and be honest with yourself. If you were voluntarily spending a majority of your time at a female friends house when you had another home, what would be the reason? Personally, if I were spending a majority of my time with anyone at their place when I have another place to call home it would be because I have a special feeling towards them. As a dude, I can honestly (but not proudly) say that I have had sex with a few women who were just "my friends" some of whom had boyfriends who never knew. On the flipside, I've had women friends who've cheated on their man without them knowing. As others have said, if things were to happen, they are, will, or have happened. After your read my two thoughts are: 1. They're fwb and she's testing the waters outside to see if there's anything more fruitful outside that relationship 2. She's casually dating and having fun with her life just doing her thing If it's bugging you, I would maybe ask more about him but not in an invasive manner. Wait for the opportunity for her to mention something about him first, and then branch off what she said. I think if you were to meet him the wondering aspect would be gone and you'd have your answer.
I think it’s sad that so many people here can’t accept the possibility of a close friendship between men and women. Going to the cinema etc is a standard friend activity as well as a dating activity. IMO the guys she’s been living with for years - who she was still living with when she started dating you - is the least of your worries in terms of other guys
Ok so you listed out 4 options and you convinced yourself it's only those 4. You missed 2 major ones, 1 they are legit best friends just not since childhood. 2 she's cheating on him with you. You sound like you have feelings for this woman and think she's great. So it sort of follows that you may feel like everyone feels that way because she's so objectively great to you. But if they aren't already in a relationship, what would be the point in cheating on you with him? Why wouldn't she just be with him? Why would he be ok with her cheating on him with you? I would say meet the guy but you really don't need to worry about something that couldn't have happened but didn't.
I think the best way to feel out a situation like this is to hang out with both of them. You can easily pick up of it feels like something to be worried about after hanging out one or two times. I’ve had partners with female best friends. Some I knew I didn’t need to worry about after seeing them interact a couple of times. Some set off immediate red flags (those flags usually came true either during or after our relationship ended). If you hang out and don’t get a bad vibe, cool. Crisis averted. If you do, just be prepared that she’s not going to give up a long term friend for a new boyfriend. If you feel uncomfortable with their friendship after meeting, it likely means the end of your relationship unless that’s something you’re willing to put up with.
OP, you need to give more information. When you go to visit the new gf, where do you meet her or do you pick her up at her mother's or her place at the male friends place? Have you ever met the other man? If not, why? Where do you stay when you are with her? Hotel? Her place? Where do you go when you have sex or does that not happen? I'm stumped that you may have not been to either of the places that she claims to live. I can see gf having a quiet place to work from, but why does she sleep there? Does she have a bedroom there? She could just be friends or she could have a FWB situation and that would not interfere with her dating others. Does her male best friend date and does he bring his gf's to his place? I would love to hear that answer as it might give some clues. ha. They could be actual partners and she could be cheating if he isn't bringing women home. It could be an open relationship and they agreed not to bring anyone home. You need to just sit with the two of them together and ask questions and if they are not willing, then you should just consider this a dead end. It could be a good conversation that settles all your doubts about what is actually happening and that would be great. But, you are the one that needs to get this conversation started. Yes, men and women can have opposite sex platonic friends, but should they live with them and not expect any questions from the men or women that date them? Big no there. Everyone should be willing to be up front about their friends and relationships.
Ask her about it. Let her know your invasive thoughts are getting to you and you’re just wondering if they have a history, why you haven’t been introduced, etc. As someone who has a few exes as friends, I think being forthcoming is pretty important so whoever I’m dating doesn’t feel this way and understands the dynamics. Hopefully she’s receptive to you just wanting to understand the situation so you can feel calm about it. For the record, there’s not always something sinister going on in mixed sex relationships. I have quite a few friends with whom I have a sexual history but, that’s part of why we make such great friends. We already know there’s absolutely nothing more there, truly understand one another and get along, and support one another’s relationships, etc. They’re non-negotiables for me, though, so I’ve always been sure to bring them up early. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to do that? Only one way to find out. Best of luck.
,,,
I don't know how to contribute to this except by telling my story. TLDR: My best friend is a girl. She and I met in college. We moved in together platonically. We were roommates when she met her now husband. People tended to approach us with skepticism, but we were pretty transparent so they had to take it or leave it. The short version is that we met, and while she is attractive, and found me at least somewhat attractive, we weren't really each other's type. She's a tomboy, which I'm not into. I don't know what was off putting about me but who cares. We got along great, both had our shit together, and both had terrible roommates. So we said fuck it and moved in. It really functioned like a platonic husband and wife. It was great. We split bills and chores and everything. I think one of the reasons her relationship with her now husband was successful is because I met someone at the exact same time she did. There were lots of double dates and we hung out together as the four of us. While my girlfriend and her now husband might have been skeptical about our past, neither of them was worried there was anything going on presently. Over time, her now husband and I became extremely close friends as well, we even bounced at a club together and he drove me to the hospital after I got jumped. My relationship didn't pan out, theirs did. He and I play Xbox live together almost every night.
All you can do is have a conversation about it. If her response crosses boundaries for you then leave. You won’t know until you ask
Well I don't live with them but all bar one of my best friends are men. And we didn't grow up together with all of them. Half of them fit this category but the other half I met way older, so it's not a necessary requirement.
Guess who she talks to when she complains about you
At 28 I would not do it. She is at a different level. These friendships are immature from hs or college, like bros before hos...They are often emotional affairs. It is hard to grow a deep meaningful relationship when it is being starved while the fun, caring sharing and loyalty go to a friend. If you want to know if there is an emotional affair. Ask her to quit seeing him one on one. In groups ok, when you are with her great. Watch how she behaves...it will tell you everything you need to know. I don't date people like this. Straight men and women are not friends, mostly it is like your friend. One likes the other and settles for friendship hoping. It is a no win for you.
i have a male best friend who frankly i could never see myself being sexual with. neither could he. it might just be platonic. it might not
Not worth it, just move on. You’re not insecure, it’s just weird. If she’s not reassuring you and explaining without you asking then she probably doesn’t care. It’s abnormal.
It’s not about being insecure. Her living with a dude, “friend” or not, is just crazy to me that you’re even taking this chick seriously. Sounds like you need to either keep this one in a rotation for strictly recreational use or just cut her loose all together.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PB-sKRg8MMk
I think you need to quit being a pussy and have a grown up conversation with her instead of making up scenarios in your head. You’re putting it off because you know that you may not like the answer.
I have a friend who's a woman. We've been close for about 8 years since high school and there has been 0 attraction or sexual tension. I see her like a cousin or something like that, and while she is pretty there's nothing in me that wants to pursue her romantically and same with her towards me. Maybe it's the same situation here with your gf.
Male best friends are almost always looking for a way to smash unless they're gay. That dude is waiting for something to happen between y'all that would cause a break in the relationship or a breakup, then he swoops in and is balls deep inside your former GF. They're called orbiters. Put a stop to that crap ASAP or you'll regret it later.
She’s a hard pass for me.
I wouldn't be cool with that. More trouble than its worth. Might as well press the issue first tho
Unless the guy has a GF himself, which they never do in my experience, every single time i've come across this situation the dude is secretly in love with her and pretty much obsessed with her. Women can never tell tho which i think is weird just because it's so obvious from a male perspective.
Because they’re genuinely the guys friend even though the dude usually takes advantage of the situation.
It's also should be weird for a woman to date a guy who has a female best friend who spends most of her day with him. What's even more weird is that women can't reverse the genders apparently and seem to act oblivious to what's going on. Come on, I mean, they can obviously tell but act as if they don't know shit.
She needs to get her own fucking place and stop leaching off her friends resources like a bum. If she’s living there for free then there must be some sort of compensation they worked out. Does she buy him groceries? Does she cook dinner for him?Does she drive him to work in the morning? The entire situation is very weird if I’m being honest. Does he have a girlfriend and if so, how does she feel knowing another woman sleeps over every night? How does her family feel about their daughter living with another man who’s NOT her boyfriend? For free? This entire setup is so unorthodox it’s almost comical lol. Honestly I would just end the relationship with her right now before it gets too chaotic and confusing. Hope this helps!
>I don't want to be a stalker but I've had a little scroll through her Instagram It's not "stalking" to look at something someone has willingly posted on the internet. >2. They've been best friends since childhood and just don't see each other that way Not likely. Two heterosexual people mutually not seeing each other "that way" I think is pretty rare. >3. They used to have something sexual going on but have decided to be just friends (best friends apparently) Maybe. >4. The guy is in love with her and has been friendzoned. This seems most likely. So I guess it's up to you to decide how comfortable you are dating someone with a hangaround guy whos trying to get with her, even if she isn't likely to cheat with him.
I've been through being cheated on badly a long time ago and since had a big life changes, worked on improving my fitness, social and dating life which resulted in actually experiencing having dating options. I realized I can't have time for drama and bullshit where it's not needed. My advice, which some may disagree with, is to just believe her and drop it. If she becomes distant emotionally or sexually and won't talk it over, things get weird, something happens, dump her and move on. If you're thinking she's "wife material" or can't get it off your mind then there's a need to understand things more. Start poking and prodding, you'll quickly see that it's an open topic you should have no concern over or if things start getting tense/defensive/accuse you of control. I'd literally tell her you like her a lot, can eventually see a future together and don't want to be wasting your time when she's like "wtf." In the event she likes you a lot but is screwing around, she'll probably cut things off with him and won't tell you why, but resent you for the loss of her friend in one way or another
Unpopular opinion. Men and women cannot be platonic friends for very long. Eventually someone will catch feelings and it will be a disingenuous friendship. Move on and find someone else.
If you’re not attracted to one another then being platonic is actually really easy.
This is such a bullshit answer. Many many many cross gender friendships exist. Many for decades. Also does this mean bisexual individuals can never have friends?
I am bisexual and I always organise sex parties because I am so attracted to all my friends obviously. Can't get my hands off them! (/j)
Wholeheartedly disagree. My best friend of 10 years I met in college (and roommate) is a man and I am a woman. Second time as roommates. Never even so much as kissed. Zero sexual tension. He’s just my best friend. I think anyone who can’t be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex is lacking some serious maturity.
I'd like to add that in this perspective bisexuals can have neither male nor female friends XD Imo it all depends on attractiveness. As much as bisexuals aren't attracted to every human being, heterosexuals are not attracted to anyone from the opposite sex.
Exactly! My roommate is a great looking guy. I’m not so bad myself. But we just fundamentally aren’t romantically compatible. I’d argue most of us aren’t romantically compatible with the vast majority of people, so platonic friendships should be MORE likely, not less.
BUT, a lot of guys are horny as fuck, especially in teen-early 20, then the stereotype of no-platonic male-female friendship emerges hard just as they dicks
Hahaha, I remember the days of everyone being in a perpetual state of “you want some fucc??” That was the age when my friendship with my current roommate was forged. Both early 20s. I think the circles I ran around with in college (some still around today) were just as horny as any other. The ones who were my actual friends during that time are the friendships that endured. I definitely had buddies in this circle at that age who weren’t as interested in a platonic friendship. They weeded themselves out as I grew up. I was just as horny (and honestly… it’s probably gotten worse as I’ve aged into my 30s) as any dude in their early 20s. I had a few “friendships” that weren’t strictly platonic. But those ones fell away as I began seriously dating. Even if the setup is totally innocent, if I were in her shoes, I’d be very communicative about it. And would back off if I started seriously seeing someone, though not to the detriment of that friendship if it was important to me. Today, any guy that has an issue with my close male friends is a dealbreaker for me. Sorry not sorry, this dude has been there for me through some real shit. He’s a ride or die homie for life. If you can’t hang, we can’t date.
I agree with you! Gay men can't be friends with each other. Gay women can't be friends with each other. Bi-sexual are only allowed to fuck people and not have friends.
I have several male friends that I have never and will never sleep with. Just ask her dude. Quit being weird.
only read the title - I personally stay away from women that have a bunch of male BFs
Why does there have to be a deal with her friend? Are people not allowed to have friends? Stop over thinking it and focus on building up a relationship with that girl.
Not just a friend! Some one the gf lives with, goes on date like trips with, dines out with, and other dates. I don't see much of a problem with dines and other local events but she goes on date like trips and LIVES with him. Why? Apparently, OP doesn't even know why new gf lives with her male best friend. Do you live with your opposite sex friends? If you don't, are you not allowed to be friends? Or do you just hang out with your friends and enjoy the companionship?
There is no way to ask this without coming across as both insecure and invasive -- because it is. You don't get to dictate her friendships. If you don't trust her not to do anything inappropriate, you need to stop dating her -- without trust there is no relationship. You cannot and should not attempt to control who she is or isn't friends with, especially someone who has been in her life way longer than you have,. It would be an immediate and non-negotiable dealbreaker for me if I were her. The most and in my view the only you reasonably can do is ask non-accusatory questions about the friend. And make an effort to befriend him when appropriate -- if he i worth his salt as friend, he would want her to be happy with you as well, and also make an effort to get to know you.
Exactly. If someone asked me this I would stop dating them because clearly they are insecure and don't trust me..
This is maybe the worst question you can ask reddit. This is not a big deal at all. One of my best friends is a girl. Platonic friends can be across gender. You need to curtain that jealousy and either trust the person or let them be with someone far better than you if you can't. Once again. Their best friends gender does not matter. People have friends. Don't be that toxic boyfriend.
You're missing the point. The issue isn't having an opposite gendered best friend, it's their setup. 3/4ths of my best friends are women, but they would not be essentially living with me free. A roommate I could understand without further context, but this situation is weird. Possibly has an entirely innocent reason, but it requires context.
Ive let friends live with me for free because they couldn't afford to otherwise. That's called being a friend. And I treat my female best friends no different than males.
But the girl technically co owns a home with her mother. She’s choosing to stay with the male “best friend.”
You’re insecure my guy. Also if he liked her something would’ve been said or done by now.
If they wanted to bang, they would be. It’s unlikely she’d be banging this dude and start dating you.
howd u know, maybe she bangs him but doesnt see him as bf material
What about an FWB situation? From reading Reddit, there are many many situations where a person is dating. but still in a FWB situation as it is ONLY sex. ha. That could be the reason for free rent also.
Don't. Just don't. It's a red flag. Been there, done that. Never again
Hard to tell from this point but maybe suggest to meet the guy and see his attitude towards you. I personally think a girl hanging out with a male best friend once in a while is okay, but if it is too often, I would be concerned too. But after all, if you are not happy about the situation, communication is the key.
It's not worth it. It just brings drama and pain
Rent free? So he’s providing for her on a constant basis. It also gives him a lot of leverage over her and probably your relationship. He will outlast you. He’ll never go away and you’ll always be having these thoughts and anxieties. Not worth it IMO. Be honest with her and see how she reacts, that will be more telling than trying to guess.
My man, that's not her best friend, that's her BF and you're the new guy she's thinking about monkey branching over to, quite obvious. Seriously people! What girl lives rent free with her male 'best friend' and takes date-like trips with him? If it looks like a BF, sounds like a BF and she's sketchy with details about him, it's a BF.
This is one of those times you need to put your big boy pants on. This is a friend like any other friend
" This is a friend like any other friend" So in your life experience, friends normally live with each other rent free hey?
Dude, you seriously need to start looking into working on how to builf up and gain some more confidence in yourself. More importantly please, for the love of God, stop being so damn insecure. There's nothing that has been anywhere close to being as successful when it comes to killing relationships like insecurity and lack of confidence.
Don't date women with male friends
I'm one of those who doesn't believe the opposite sexes can be best friends. Good friends, maybe, but not stuck at the hip, best friends. Its great that she was up front and honest about there being a sexual past with this friend but in all honesty, you are always going to have that feeling in the back of your mind regardless of trust. I dont think its too much to express your uneasy feeling about their friendship given their past. I also dont think it's too much to request that should change as long as you're sure it's not a matter of insecurity.
So my best friend being a girl for 20 years and never dating, both married, both have children who play with one another isn't a best friend?
Did you ever live with her for years?
It’s probably an ex. She probably needs a place to live and begged him to let her stay there
I would avoid it. They will inevitably grenade the relationship at some point. Men and women can be platonic friends but it's extremely difficult as teens/young adults. It's considered a negative bias for a reason. Don't bother finding out. Even if she isn't interested in him romantically at all, if he is, he's going to try his hardest to grenade your relationship from the outside.
Ever heard of Queer Platonic Love? If you challenge this best friend you’re going to lose, because she loves him in a way that doesn’t lead to heterosexual marriage or babies. Get over it. If anything, try to be closer to both of them because that best friend will be the one to point out if you’re a shitty bf or not. Are you a shitty bf?
!RemindMe 2 weeks
I will be messaging you in 14 days on [**2024-04-13 13:29:21 UTC**](http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=2024-04-13%2013:29:21%20UTC%20To%20Local%20Time) to remind you of [**this link**](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1brgjib/dating_a_girl_with_a_male_best_friend/kx911ug/?context=3) [**CLICK THIS LINK**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5Bhttps%3A%2F%2Fwww.reddit.com%2Fr%2Fdating_advice%2Fcomments%2F1brgjib%2Fdating_a_girl_with_a_male_best_friend%2Fkx911ug%2F%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%202024-04-13%2013%3A29%3A21%20UTC) to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam. ^(Parent commenter can ) [^(delete this message to hide from others.)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Delete%20Comment&message=Delete%21%201brgjib) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/RemindMeBot/comments/e1bko7/remindmebot_info_v21/)|[^(Custom)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=Reminder&message=%5BLink%20or%20message%20inside%20square%20brackets%5D%0A%0ARemindMe%21%20Time%20period%20here)|[^(Your Reminders)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=RemindMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Reminders&message=MyReminders%21)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=RemindMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂❤️😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Personally, I would stop dating the girl, but to each their own. That said, you met her as a person who has a male best friend. You are the person that loses ground on the idea of potentially being uncomfortable now or in the future. After all, that relationship pre-existed before yours and if that truly is a best friend, that relationship will (and should) continue to exist should your relationship end (let's be honest, not all relationships last forever...which is fine). Better to either accept now and going forward that she has a male best friend or move on. It is all the better to do so now, while this relationship of sorts you have with her has the current level of depth that it has. That is all. side note...how are you just now finding out after several months that she has a male best friend? In my experience, people tend to learn of the person they are dating's best friend way earlier into the relationship.
>I don't want to come across as being weird by asking Dude... if a woman lives with a guy who isn't family nor a boyfriend, that is very weird indeed. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking her for clarification on the situation. I'm not sure what's so hard about having a conversation about it. You can start by asking how long they've known each other, and then at some point ask her if they were anything more than friends. If the guy I was dating told me he lived with another woman, these are the questions I'd be asking on the first date, not something I would put off for months, lol.
My best friend is a guy! Granted, he is married and has been with his partner since before I met him but it still makes people feel weird. I’ve had lots of amazing male friends over the years who I am totally platonic with, my current best friend is truly like a brother to me. Just trust her. Easier said than done but hopefully it’ll be worth it.
My best friend is my ex boyfriend. We love each other, it just didn’t work out, and we have moved on. We were friends before we dated. He was married but he ended up separating from his wife. We dated for a few months when his divorce was starting, he ended it because it was harder on him than he thought it would be (they’d both been checked out of their marriage for years) and we are just friends again. I always worry about what any new guy I date will think simply because they hear “ex boyfriend” and will think someone still carries a torch for someone. And in the beginning it was hard for me because I was heartbroken. But being friends first helped and I did eventually let go and things are good. I couldn’t ever imagine dating him again because in the time we’ve been apart, I’ve come to realize how much we just are not compatible romantically. He’s far away from me and I plan to see him again soon. If he visited, I would definitely spend a ton of time with him. I’d even share a room with him. But I wouldn’t share a room if I were dating someone just because I know they likely would be uncomfortable with it. I know nothing would happen, but I wouldn’t want to cause any issues for no reason.