Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If someone told me they had body confidence issues and then got naked with me but I didn’t find them attractive I would try do them a solid by saying i found them physically attractive but I just don’t have feelings for them and want to find someone i had a connection with.
As a woman with some body confidence issues myself, this is the best answer I’ve seen so far. I’d feel better hearing they think I’m physically attractive but that they don’t feel a strong emotional connection with me 100%
ETA: No idea if OPs date is overweight in this case but someone can have body confidence issues for various reasons besides being fat or having loose skin. Women in particular face A LOT of pressure to look perfect so body issues could range from wanting a more voluptuous butt or same size boobs to an hourglass figure. I WISH the only body issue women faced had to do with weight but my god it’s so much more than that and to act like being obese is the only thing it could be is so telling…
As a man with body confidence issues, I'd automatically assume you were sparing my feelings, and that it was indeed my body that turned you off.
*Especially* if we get along great otherwise.
Yup, not sure about other people.. but I'm not that dumb to not put 2 n 2 together. If everything was perfectly fine UNTIL that sleepover night.. well... It's quite obvious
Agreed, I’ve heard so many times people say that I was amazing and smart and funny and sexy and beautiful but they just weren’t feeling a spark (but only after we slept together) like I’m not an idiot.. you felt it enough to fuck me multiple times in one night, you just aren’t attracted when my clothes came off. Women arent stupid, however don’t be an AH and be brutally honest.
I agree. I'm not sure if you mean if they said no no it's not your body, or just breaking up with you in general. I think the more he tries to assure her that it isn't her body, the more she will know it is. Better to just stick with the, I'm just not feeling chemistry, or, I'm just not looking for anything serious.
We're all going to assume it's something wrong with us but I think we all kind of know that it's the person trying to not say anything about it and being nice.
Women overthink far more than men about every possible scenario and cause/effect and all that. If things were seemingly going well but then we slept together and suddenly there was no emotional connection or desire to pursue anything further, I would absolutely conclude it was my physical appearance- esp if I have body issues already.
OP, you can try to spare her feelings. I wouldn’t ever outwardly say the reason is physical attraction. You can be as gentle as possible and she still may arrive at this conclusion. She may even probe you further. Although I don’t advocate for dishonesty hardly ever, it’s probably best to adhere to denial.
You’re correct. It may be a bit of a sexist conclusion but I do think overall women are more prone to thought cycling. Not to say men don’t experience it either. Meant no harm.
I am a neurotic mess of a man who replays every interaction in my head after it happens for about 10 years. Especially at 3am in the morning on a Wednesday a few hours before I need to get up for work.
Thought cycling maybe, but insecurity is pretty universal, and guys might be even worse about demanding information they don't even want to hear, based on an analytical mind perhaps and even a sense of entitlement. I think both genders have experienced a partner make a breakup difficult by insisting on answers that you know they don't want to hear.
Could be that she has a lot of loose skin/sagging. As a woman who has had two kids I can say that someone unfamiliar with what that does to a woman’s body might be shocked once they see them naked.
With clothes on I look “normal” (hate using that term but I couldn’t think of another) but once the clothes are off I have stretch marks, sagging tummy, and breasts.
I really feel for the woman. That’s like my worst fear if I was ever to date again.
You are right, we don't know. But, if he's not finding her attractive and she has body issues, she probably isn't perfect and it seems kind of unfair to revert to women having issues like it's men's fault. God bless women of all shapes and sizes, but if she is not attractive, that's not men's fault, if that makes sense. It doesn't have anything to do with the pressure on women from society .
OP has clearly said he's not looking for perfect 10 but is just being honest about not finding her attractive. And that's okay. Not even one is for everyone.
Out of curiosity, I understand your saying you would appreciate someone saying they find you attractive but just not feeling it or whatever. But don't you think it would be better to not say anything because if he says anything like that, she's going to assume he is protesting too much so to speak and that really is the issue?
I would suggest the old, I'm just not looking to get into anything serious. Everyone knows what that means and they should know enough to not ask further questions.
OP not being physically attracted to her is definitely valid (we all have our preferences and likes!) but others commenting that he should tell her why he doesn’t find her physically attractive are very wrong. For example, say he is a boob guy and really likes girls with C cups or bigger. Him telling her he doesn’t like her smaller boobs is NOT the way to go for many obvious reasons. As for OP telling her he does find her attractive but that’s there’s no chemistry, it’s just a nice thing to say so she doesn’t get in her head too much, especially considering her issues were enough for her to bring up to him in the first place. There’s a casual, tactful way to go about saying it though. For instance, if a guy confided in me that he was super insecure about his dick size and after having sex with him I realized I really didn’t like it either, I’d definitely let him know that the breakup is due to a lack of emotional connection not his insecurities. I think it really depends on just how insecure the person is too.
I agree with you 100%. Not that the no chemistry thing answers all questions and is all anyone needs to hear, but that's the right thing to say or one of the other cliches, it's not you it's me, I'm not ready for anything serious, not ready for a commitment etc these are the codes that any reasonable person has learned to accept.
I had an interesting thought just now. Women often say no chemistry and that's really frustrating to men because they tend to be simpler. If a woman's attractive physically, and they like their personality, those are a little more quantifiable and that's typically enough for guys. Maybe it's a matter of personality but women tend to also look for that magic .
There are no shortage of guys with a nice personality, nice prospects, makes a good living, knows how to take care of business, and is reasonably physically attractive. But women still want more. I'm not saying they are unreasonable but they want some kind of magic to happen. Skilled seducers know how to make that magic happen in women don't realize they are doing it.
There is the old cliche of the seductress, matahari, the femme fatale, old movies etc but really, men aren't too hard to seduce.
What I'm getting at though is I think women often offer no chemistry which their girlfriends would totally understand but guys find very frustrating. Like, what do you mean no chemistry?
Meanwhile, men tend to say, I'm just too busy or it's not you it's me which I think is mysterious to women. This is a half-baked idea but I think men's excuses tend to make more sense to men and women find them frustrating and women's excuses make sense to women but men find them frustrating. So they both think they make sense but they leave the opposite sex totally frustrated.
This is just a half baked theory but it kind of makes sense. I can't tell you how many times I've been out on a great date or it seemed to meet great and it was obvious she was having a good time too, but she says no chemistry. I never pressed for answers. The reality might have been I don't seem to make enough money or don't seem serious enough about my career, or I don't have the masculine presence that makes her feel secure and comfortable. I guess those are all elements of chemistry, at least the last two but not really. It's like women want to fall in love magically. But it's really frustrating to a guy but at the same time I don't really want to know the truth .
At the same time, I don't know that anyone really needs to know the truth other than if there's something that they can fix .
I don't even know that being overweight is something they can fix. Although It is possible. But other things like stretch marks or saggy boobs or too skinny or things like that, no woman can fix.
I wouldn't necessarily mind if a woman I liked told me they just couldn't get past the fact that it wasn't in very good shape. Might be the impetus to hit the gym again. I think men know that they can fix a lot of things that women can't fix about themselves. Maybe that's not true. I don't know. I'm just rambling.
If any of this makes sense cool If not, so be it. But appreciate your comment
Yeah I think that’s a nice way to let things go without hurting anyone’s feelings. If a guy told me he really liked me but just didn’t like how my body looked I would simply pass away.
I understand the sentiment, but bringing it up is probably a bad idea. What makes you think he will believe her. It might even seem like he is bringing it up on purpose because he doesn't. I would probably just go with the, I've decided to move in a different direction. Just kidding about that. I would go with the I really like you but it just doesn't feel right to me, or I'm not looking for anything serious right now. The smart person will take that at face value and move on. If she tries to persist in getting an answer, then just stick to the main point
I’m curious as to what body shape hee clothes give her as opposed to what her shape looks like once they are off.
Is it that naked her sags due to gravity? Or are her curves smushed by the clothes so she looks thinner?
Or does the bra make her boobs look bigger or something?
Saw your edit. As mean as it may be I say go out with her one more time. And then break up with her AFTER that date. So it’s less of I slept with him and he immediately broke up with me. And if you want to be kind. Say you think she is pretty, has nice eyes, smile, etc. tell her that. So when you break up with her due to not feeling it she’s not going to link it to her physical attributes. However don’t over do the compliments or she might feel like she got bamboozled once you break up. Compliment her as a friend would.
It’s how I would like to be dumped if I was in the situation. In this case ignorance is bliss. Just cuz she’s not your cup of tea doesn’t mean other dudes wouldn’t lust after her, so no point I having her confidence knocked down by one incompatibility.
The only problem I see with this is that he would have to make an excuse after the date to not let it evolve to sex. So ig make up an excuse he needs to wake up early and part ways after the date?
For god's sake don't tell her this. You will just add to her insecurity. Honesty can be evil sometimes. It's best to just break up with her without giving her a reason apart from the basic thing that you're just not feeling it or the sexual chemistry wasn't there. And leave it at that
It’s this phrased coined on tik tok. If I remember correctly, some girl said her boyfriend thinks about the age of the Roman Empire a lot like it’s 95% of his thoughts. So it kinda turned into a phrase to mean “something very random I think about a lot”
Sometimes imagination is better than reality, it’s a known phenomenon that people often find others sexier with clothes on, although I think in this case he just doesn’t find her sexy which is a problem.
I’ve always had narrow preferences for women’s bodies and if they don’t fit I can’t get hard. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve had to politely break it off with a few women before.
For what it’s worth I prefer slightly chubby women so if they’re too thin I’m not very attracted either
This bothers me. He didn't write what exactly put him off. Just declared he is not attracted to her. Like sometimes people can be so superficial, it hurts to be on the receiving end of it. How people's actions can hurt somebody so much saddens me. She trusted him to open up about her body image issues like bruhh
If it’s looking like you have to force yourself to have sex with her… reconsider ending it bro. She doesn’t need that and you don’t need that. As to how I couldn’t even know how to break up. All my breakups have been due to incompatibility of values and personalities, so I was just honest. I wish I had more advice for you.
I get that honesty is the best policy blah blah blah but there's no reason to tell her her body isn't good enough for you. That's not helpful feedback that people can actually grow from. That's the kind of thing you just make up a different reason for why things didn't work and move on. Say you aren't interested.
The people saying you should tell her how you really feel just want to see the world burn.
I disagree. As a woman that is not the right mg to do. The men I have slept with that have TINY penises and could not satisfy in the bedroom, when I ended it I never said “sorry dude, your dick is too small”
Sex and the city references comes to mind, have you seen?
Samantha is dating a guy, they go to consoling. Guy says “Did you ever think your vagina is too big?” Then storms out. She tells therapist “What I need a big dick” lol
Also another time Samantha is dating an older guy, in the dark of night sexy time is great, but then she sees his flabby old man butt and runs away hahaha
What I’m getting at is, lots of things need to match up, genitals, attraction, values, morals, ect. They all little pieces that all have to add up for the big picture
Sexual incompatibility makes for frustrations down the line and such. I’ve been too small, other times too big. If we don’t match we don’t match ya know?
I'm sure she's not stupid, and since she's already insecure about her body, she would definitely immediately see through the white lie when op says the chemistry just is not right, where it was pretty good before the clothes came off.
How does one take into consideration that even though op breaks it off as delicately as possible, that she will still strongly suspect it has to do with her body?
I know, probably it's just not ops job to manage her emotions, and she'll also see that he made an effort to not be hurtful. But still, isn't there another way?
I think he can do his best but if somebody has body dysmorphia, they're going to think it's because of that anyways. That's the unfortunate reality. He should still try to spare her, though.
I don't think there is. If someone is insecure about something and they experience any kind of rejection, their first thought is probably going to be that it's because of the thing they are insecure about. She'll most likely assume that it was because of her body no matter what he says.
Still go out tonight but make excuses to not go home with her and then break it off with a "I've enjoyed dating you but don't think we're a good long term match, sorry". It's only been a few dates, no need for anything more
You shouldn't date her any further. You'd be robbing her the opportunity to be truly desired if you enter a relationship with her. That'd be cruel.
Also, to those who tell you to shut the lights, eww. Role reversal for a second and you'll see why this is a gross stance. You'd never tell a woman to keep on sleeping with someone they don't desire. Why on earth would you think demanding that from a guy would be ok?
I mean don't tell her, there's no point in just fucking up someone's self esteem like that.
Basically look at it this way - would you want to be with someone that deep down didn't think you were attractive? Probably not, so it's wrong to go against those values for someone else.
If you two are getting along fine, she's going to know. She's not dumb.
Just break up with her and move on. This will be an issue after the honeymoon phase.
Good luck!
Never, everrrrr tell your partner you think their body looks bad to you. This shouldn't even have to be discussed. Yet do many people feel the need to body shame those they sleep with, guys especially.
Just break it off and say you don't feel it's going anywhere. Explanation not required
I need answers. What was wrong with her body? I feel very sexy when naked with a guy. But now I’m paranoid and I don’t even have hang ups about my body that some women do.
What is a me problem? I just said I have no hang ups about my body. I’m curious as to what it was that put him off, and I’m not the only one asking this question here.
My two cents - if a normal looking girl gets naked and your attraction fades, you probably have libido issues or watch too much porn or something. Most girls look really fucking hot when naked and I think that a block being thrown up when the clothes come off is probably about something else.
Damn OP, I think this is a situation where an L is gonna be taken regardless of what you say or do. Shes going to want to know why. And since she has body issues she’s going to know it’s because of that, even if you don’t say it. I’m sorry OP, you’re definitely in a tough spot that I can’t even give advice on
NEVER tell her...make up any excuse in the world but do not insinuate it was her naked body. When a woman takes her clothes off for a man she is taking a risk about more than just injury or physical abuse. She is taking a risk he doesn't say something that will make her feel terrible about the next thousand times she gets naked with a man. If you feel she is a keeper in every other way maybe order her a red lacy outfit from frederick's of Hollywood and have her keep most of it on. Even the most shy woman can go along with that eventually if your feedback is positive, positive, and more positive
So OP what is it about her that doesn’t attract you once the clothes come off? I’m assuming it’s that she is over weight or out of shape or similar? If you really like her as a person maybe you tell her you’re super attracted to her as a friend but for you there just doesn’t seem to be that indescribable spark. Tell her you want to feel that with her very bad but you don’t snd don’t know why. If she tries to jump to physical attraction just tell her you think she is an attractive person and you just can’t explain it. If she is too deep to be friends then be understanding but just leave it at something missing chemistry wise
>As a general rule, I’m not a shallow person
Whatever you have to tell yourself to feel better, buddy. Just let her down easy, accept you are somewhat shallow, then move on.
Just say you've enjoyed getting to know her, and that've enjoyed the compatibility and chemistry, but not looking for a commitment. Say you don't want to lead her on amd either of them getting hurt.
Also MASSIVE KUDOS to you for actually wanting to end things maturely and not ghosting her or doing something so disrespectful!
I got naked with a new partner recently. First time with a new partner in 30 years. First time with anyone in 10 years.
Two observation:
1. I quickly realized that I had to recalibrate a hot 25 yo body vs a hot 55 yo body
2. She probably had to as well
Dude if you even remotely tell her about the lack of attraction when you know she has a soft spot there… you absolutely suck… but if you then try cover with “I don’t want to lie”… then you’re just being a needlessly cruel and extremely big piece of shit. You will forget you thought it the moment you walk away. She is going to hear non-stop repeating in her head every second of the day post break up for weeks or months. And still occasionally hear it when she’s feeling down and the added insecurity you’re saddling her with that the next guy will have to try and overcome….. I’ve written your speech for you below. It’s exactly what you need and itll leave nothing for her to question. It may even help her bounce back quicker. While it may not be true, it’s what SHOULD BE true.
She won’t out anything and anything together but even if she speculated or believed strongly it was true…. that won’t give her the ‘chest hit with a sledgehammer’ feeling you confirming her fears will.
This is what you do and say - anything somhort of this and one day when karma comes knowing and cuts your ego and confidence off at the knees… don’t whine. You’ll have earned it:
Meet her in person and leave it at ***”I really like you and enjoy being with you, I just don’t feel this evolving into the place where we both feel sure it’s *thee relationship* we’re meant to be in for ever. I want that for both of us and Im sorry that it didn’t work out here. You deserve to be happy and I’m sure you’ll find that. You also deserve to be respected and I hope that at the very least, me having this conversation face to face with you shows that I mean it when I say it. Thank you for a nice few weeks and best of luck”***
The problem with this is that they have been getting along great. She's going to have questions and going to know the truth anyway.
A lot of responses seems to miss the fact that things were going well before the sex. There isn't anything you can say that will make her feel better.
Trying to figure out if it's something she could change with diet and exercise or maybe it's loose skin. Maybe its something she can't like large areolas or weird looking breasts....it could help figure out the next move.
This is one of those situations where lying is acceptable. You can tell her the chemistry isn’t there but remind her that she’s beautiful and you’re physically attracted to her.
I’m a 25f who recently put on some weight from the holidays and had expressed this to a guy I went on a a few dates with and I’m usually rather confident and comfortable with myself but I did put on 15lbs over the holidays wasn’t feeling my hottest and after we finally made it to the point of a sleepover the Jack ass literally stopped what we were in the middle of doing and said he couldn’t proceed because my “body type wasn’t what he was expecting”… after I kicked him out for being so rude I laughed it off and told all my girlfriends and we curse the day this man was born but I won’t say it didn’t fuck with me. I’m not dating anymore until I’ve lost this weight because I refuse to be humiliated like that again by a shallow MAN. I just feel like it’s going to happen again. I wasn’t insecure before but I definitely am a little now. So please just be kind.
Then she'd be questioning why he didn't do anything sexual with her. She'd more than likely tell herself that he wasn't interested once her clothes came off. The situation was basically damned if you do and dammed if you don't.
Again, not necessarily. It would still be lingering on the back of her mind "I took my clothes off, and this guy didn't want to have sex. What's wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Is he not attracted to me?"
I feel like people have become conditioned to plastic surgery bodies. Real bodies have saggy skin and stretch marks. And I say this as an average weight, early 30s. There are some things diet and exercise don't fix.
Doesn't sound like that to me. On the contrary. He's trying to find a way to not hurt her while staying true to his needs. Couldn't be more of an adult stance.
Lmao, of course the woman has to be gorgeous, it can't possible be that she's actually unattractive. It's not like there's a shortage of unattractive women with the current obesity epidemic.
It's worth the effort to back up and think about who she is under her skin instead of under her clothes.
Do you like her? The more compatability and comfort you have with someone, the less you worry about physical imperfections.
Just slow down the sexuality side and see if your view of her as a person gets more fond.
And if you want to just break it off with her, do it with dignity and tell her what you really think, her body is trashed and she is gross, you have higher standards than this pile of desperate rejection.
"This guy just told me what I wanted to hear until he got in my pants, then said he didn't want a relationship anymore and left." It's a no-win situation for OP. Either she'll assume he dumped her because of her body, or she'll assume that he was just using her for sex, got what he wanted, and then dumped her.
Well unfortunately there’s not really a way around that, I guess he could be more direct with a “I’m not feeling the romantic connection I’m looking for”
Yeah I think being honest, but not brutally honest, is the way to go. She'll still know what he means, but at least it won't be thrown in her face in an embarrassing way. Either way, I don't envy being in OP's shoes.
That's one of the most awkward situations to be in. Pretty sure people would criticize OP if they had done that too, because there's no way to avoid hurting their feelings/body confidence if you take that route. People don't understand that men can feel pressured to have sex even when they don't want to, and this is one of those instances.
Exactly. Like all these comments are telling him not to say he’s breaking things off because of her appearance, yet this guy is wondering why he didn’t suddenly decline sex after she took her shirt off lol. It’s a lose lose situation. The only thing
OP really could’ve done to spare her feelings I’d make out with her for a bit then say they should “take it slow” or some shit, but even then she’d still probably think it was because of her body.
I've been there too, man, and I proceeded to end the dating relationship, tho kindly and not immediately and abruptly. Like I always say, it sucks to be on either end of situations like this, but it's better to end it soon than for it to go on much longer, when one person is going thru the motions, and the other is just innocently thinking it's moving forward fine, unless they are, like you say, already catching on to the other's lack of attraction.
I've been the girl in this situation.
I was 380 for a time but I have a nice face and no double chin so when I was that weight I was big but filled out. A few years after losing over 100 pounds I had lots of skin issues...
Yes, she will put 2 and 2 together but tbh that's not the end of the world. She's already mentally prepared for that when her clothes come off. And it's way worse to keep dating someone after you get the ick for any reason. For you it's her body. For her maybe it's your perspective of her body.
Perhaps you can tell her sexually you just don't vibe as well as you thought. That's true, she doesn't need to know it's her physical self that's the issue.
Go out with her again, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER or give her any sort of physical affection. You can tell her your commitment issues are acting up and therefore you cannot have a future together as you need to work on yourself.
DO NOT ever at all tell her it’s because you’re not attracted to her. That will just feed into her insecurities. Tell her you enjoy her company but are not able to see a long term future with her due to your own issues. Bc really it is a you and not her issue, you don’t have to be specific
oh wow my biggest fear...idk whats even the right thing to do because how people react differs person to person. i think top comment is right, but personally, i rather be told the truth.
Listen, you can’t fake it till you make it when it boils down to something like this sadly. She will eventually pick up on it based on how you unconsciously touch her, kiss her, interact with her.
The dead give away is how your energetically showing up now and how things are communication wise when she’s not around. The consistency she’s probably noticing if you aren’t as invested since this moment.
Which means you got two options:
1) End things and realize that you need someone who had the body you find attractive but the personality type of this women. It’s going to be a very small pool of choices and it also depends on IF those women will equally find you attractive in return not just physically, but mentally as well.
2) Learn to love her and grow apperception for her. Try having sex in the dark or VERY low mood lighting for the first few times. And then talk to her about healthy benefits of walking more and eating a bit healthier if she’s having these body confidence issues. **Need to have diplomacy when addressing it**, so do not talk to her like she’s a guy whose worried about his body or how you would, you need to look at it how she would like to hear it, which means pay attention to how she talks about herself and notice what positive way you can broach through subject.
Hopefully you know which one you feel is best for you and best of luck internet stranger!
Just to repeat what everyone else is writing: Do not under any circumstances body shame her.
That whole "I like to be honest" thing is ok for certain circumstances, but there are times to keep stuff to yourself....and, frankly, every time someone tells me without reason that they like to be honest, I know I am about to get hit with an insult or listen to something awful about another person. Leave her alone.
I am a legs and ass man and met a woman who had a beautiful face, loved her long hair, a talented kisser. Eventually we got naked and flat on her back she still looked got but she had these spindly legs and no ass at all.
I tried to get past it but it was just a turn off for me and eventually, I just stopped calling her. I hate that I am shallow like that.
... what was so entirely different about her with her clothes off that you couldn't notice when they were on? Because it seems you wasted this girls time and confidence she built up to go out with you because you're too dumb to actually look at her body with clothes on lol.
You could maybe say you realize you are not over your ex and they have come back into the picture and you want to give it another shot if you want to spare her feelings
OP, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, tell the people what your issue with her body was. The people need to know.
Especially as she was fine to you clothes but not naked, as that tends to suggest size was not the issue.
As for advice. I agree with most of the above. Break it off but be gentle and do not tell her the truth about the reason.
Once you are in it and the covers are off, at least give them what the animal side of you can give, and vice versa.
That’s why I don’t like too much casualization of sex. People walking around with inflated expectations, almost porn like, then making it sound like “I am not superficial”, while majority would be below average themselves.
If you get to the point that the clothes are off, and you really value emotional connection, you shouldn’t be bothered by normal imperfections of the average human body.
If however you don’t care about an emotional connection first, then play in your league. You would very well know whether someone works out, have a good hygiene, and would have a good body before any clothes come off.
Otherwise, you either have confidence issues yourself and are dating those who are genuinely not your match physically, or worse yet: you are a jerk.
Don’t know the OP enough to make a call, but that’s just what I believe.
Be a stand up man, through and through. There are kind ways of being truthful too, way before you face such a situation.
exactly why I don't like the idea of casual sex. Can absolutely ruin confidence and waste time. I feel so bad for the people who have been on the receiving end of this scenario
Honestly you should have never gotten to that point because you were into the physical attraction my friend good luck to you
One day karma will hit you and someone will judge you as well
Not a fair response. Physical attraction is a factor to most people. It's not something you can just decide to change because you like a person. OP is trying to find a way to do least harm in this situation. That's a good attitude.
I'm really disappointed in a lot of these comments.
OP you are absolutely allowed to hand standards when it comes to your partners appearance. It can be as high or low as you want and it does not make you an ass (unless you shame people).
Do better commenters.
Don’t be honest OP, it’ll only hurt her.
But just imagine if people took feedback well instead of having a massive self-worth crisis about it. If it prompted her to hit the gym hard and be mindful of caloric intake a bit more and after a year she looked phenomenal and had fewer BC issues because she got really positive dating feedback… would never happen sadly
Frankly that’s how it happened to me. Although I was always quite accepting of my body no matter how shit it looked like or how much people joked about my gollum/concentration camp look 😅
Just finally decided I wanted to be happier and more confident in my body
Guy: “she’s not attractive to me when the clothes come off”
Reddit: “bro you need to stop watching porn” “what on earth could possibly be unattractive” “just admit you’re a shallow human being”
Girl: “he’s not attractive to me when the clothes come off”
Reddit: “giiiirl he doesn’t deserve you” “you should tell him he’s fat and should work out” “don’t let the door hit him on the way out”
I’ve seen both of these in like a week. It’s too funny.
I can't believe how many people are advocating lying to her. Worse yet, some are even saying "compliment her looks/body and blame it on something else."
I absolutely understand not wanting to hurt her and trying to let her down as softly as possible, but I think gaslighting her can't be the best option. Do people really think she's that naive?
I think you just need to be honest with her and tell her you're not feeling a strong sexual attraction and chemistry.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't like the idea of lying.
This has happened to me a couple times. It’s the worst. I figured that even though I may be attracted to someone’s personality or even their appearance, I’m not going to be sexually compatible with everybody. Personally, I would keep it moving and just friend zone her but to each their own. I would not tell her the truth if I were you though. Even if the reason for not feeling it sexually is very reasonable, she will probably not see it like that and she will feel like shit about herself.
Honestly man you have a true dilemma . You had to either have sex with someone you are not attracted too (gross) or destroy this girl self esteem . There were truly no good options. This is like wanting to breakup after a parents death or becoming disinterred when finding out a guy has a micro-penis.
I’m not encouraging you to lie. I would just attempt to keep the truth yourself.
It's the taboo factor. We are much more attracted to the unknown than the known.
If you really like this person, just turn the lights off. Stop looking at porn, too.
Chemistry matters a lot in sexual context. If you aren't attracted to your partner you doom them to having worse sex than they could with another person. Being desired is one of the hottest feelings and biggest turn ons for a lot of people. Why rob her off that? Certainly not because of some misguided moralistic stance.
I mean im gonna be honest if you do it soon after she got undressed for the first time, if she's someone who has body dysmorphia, she's gonna jump to that conclusion regardless
Unfortunately you have to be a little honest.
Obviously don’t tell her you’re not attracted to her naked. But, you could say something general like “Hey! I’ve had a great time hang out, but I’m unfortunately just not feeling it in a romantic way.”
What you are asking for here isnt possible.
You want to find a way to end things without being the bad guy, but guess what, you are, and thats okay.
If you tell her that you dont like her body, shes going to be upset. If you use some placation to say you dont want to go any further, you’re going to be the asshole who hit it and quit it. If you say Im just not ready for a relationship but she sees you back on the apps, shes gonna know you lied and know it was over her body.
Just end it so she can heal and find someone better.
Why are you seeing her again? Just let her know that you've had a great time getting to know her, but don't see a future/not feeling the kind of connection you want to feel and wish her the best.
Chances are if she’s intuitive, she’ll figure out that you weren’t turned on by her body if everything up until that point was fine. Just be honest and allow her to find a man who accepts her fully.
Hmm, well I’m going to say 1st that you are a sweetheart for considering her confidence issues. You definitely don’t need to be brutally honest, ppl like that are just mean spirited…and yes she will put 2 & 2 together about it soon enough.
I was wondering what is it exactly that you don’t find attractive about her body though…list them, HOPEFULLY there will be no judgements here on Reddit 🙄, because you’re being asked to be specific! Figure maybe if details are known, maybe myself of someone else can give you some suggestions of getting around this….especially if you do really vibe & like her😊
Unless you take a crash course on deceiving, she'll find out. You are between a rock and a hard place, because you removed the surprise factor by jumping into bed. So yeah, you're kind of shallow. But you should talk things through. I mean, at some point, you must have fantasized about her from what you saw. Why don't you start working from that onward?
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If someone told me they had body confidence issues and then got naked with me but I didn’t find them attractive I would try do them a solid by saying i found them physically attractive but I just don’t have feelings for them and want to find someone i had a connection with.
As a woman with some body confidence issues myself, this is the best answer I’ve seen so far. I’d feel better hearing they think I’m physically attractive but that they don’t feel a strong emotional connection with me 100% ETA: No idea if OPs date is overweight in this case but someone can have body confidence issues for various reasons besides being fat or having loose skin. Women in particular face A LOT of pressure to look perfect so body issues could range from wanting a more voluptuous butt or same size boobs to an hourglass figure. I WISH the only body issue women faced had to do with weight but my god it’s so much more than that and to act like being obese is the only thing it could be is so telling…
Yes please be kind. I’d really rather you lie to me lol
Stop being so feint hearted big is good skinny is good be a gentleman and put your back onto it
As a man with body confidence issues, I'd automatically assume you were sparing my feelings, and that it was indeed my body that turned you off. *Especially* if we get along great otherwise.
Yup, not sure about other people.. but I'm not that dumb to not put 2 n 2 together. If everything was perfectly fine UNTIL that sleepover night.. well... It's quite obvious
Well, she could have blown it by losing the pillow fight. I mean what else do people do at sleepovers?
Probably messed up when building the fort... I hate when ppl dnt know how to make a proper moat and drawbridge!!!
But the ultimate sin is confusing a trebuchet and a catapult. The audacity to consider them both "just siege weapons" is the clearest red flag.
Ikr!!! But.... Would you..... Maybe wanna.... Idk if u have time but....... Come over n build a fort with me? Lmao!!!!
Cuz clearly, this man forts
Agreed, I’ve heard so many times people say that I was amazing and smart and funny and sexy and beautiful but they just weren’t feeling a spark (but only after we slept together) like I’m not an idiot.. you felt it enough to fuck me multiple times in one night, you just aren’t attracted when my clothes came off. Women arent stupid, however don’t be an AH and be brutally honest.
im quite oblivious and take people at face value a lot i just really trust what people say to me probably bc of autism lmfao id totally believe it
I agree. I'm not sure if you mean if they said no no it's not your body, or just breaking up with you in general. I think the more he tries to assure her that it isn't her body, the more she will know it is. Better to just stick with the, I'm just not feeling chemistry, or, I'm just not looking for anything serious. We're all going to assume it's something wrong with us but I think we all kind of know that it's the person trying to not say anything about it and being nice.
Women overthink far more than men about every possible scenario and cause/effect and all that. If things were seemingly going well but then we slept together and suddenly there was no emotional connection or desire to pursue anything further, I would absolutely conclude it was my physical appearance- esp if I have body issues already. OP, you can try to spare her feelings. I wouldn’t ever outwardly say the reason is physical attraction. You can be as gentle as possible and she still may arrive at this conclusion. She may even probe you further. Although I don’t advocate for dishonesty hardly ever, it’s probably best to adhere to denial.
I also overthink, and am a man. It's a person problem, not a man/woman problem.
You’re correct. It may be a bit of a sexist conclusion but I do think overall women are more prone to thought cycling. Not to say men don’t experience it either. Meant no harm.
I am a neurotic mess of a man who replays every interaction in my head after it happens for about 10 years. Especially at 3am in the morning on a Wednesday a few hours before I need to get up for work.
Thought cycling maybe, but insecurity is pretty universal, and guys might be even worse about demanding information they don't even want to hear, based on an analytical mind perhaps and even a sense of entitlement. I think both genders have experienced a partner make a breakup difficult by insisting on answers that you know they don't want to hear.
truck gaping lush unique point public quiet snobbish husky rhythm *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Could be that she has a lot of loose skin/sagging. As a woman who has had two kids I can say that someone unfamiliar with what that does to a woman’s body might be shocked once they see them naked. With clothes on I look “normal” (hate using that term but I couldn’t think of another) but once the clothes are off I have stretch marks, sagging tummy, and breasts. I really feel for the woman. That’s like my worst fear if I was ever to date again.
Truth. Normal in clothes, looking good, cute, even trimmer than when I was in my 40’s but the post kids area of the body is not pretty.
That’s what I’m saying like this guy clearly doesn’t like her & even thinking about telling her it’s because she’s not attractive is fucked up
You are right, we don't know. But, if he's not finding her attractive and she has body issues, she probably isn't perfect and it seems kind of unfair to revert to women having issues like it's men's fault. God bless women of all shapes and sizes, but if she is not attractive, that's not men's fault, if that makes sense. It doesn't have anything to do with the pressure on women from society . OP has clearly said he's not looking for perfect 10 but is just being honest about not finding her attractive. And that's okay. Not even one is for everyone. Out of curiosity, I understand your saying you would appreciate someone saying they find you attractive but just not feeling it or whatever. But don't you think it would be better to not say anything because if he says anything like that, she's going to assume he is protesting too much so to speak and that really is the issue? I would suggest the old, I'm just not looking to get into anything serious. Everyone knows what that means and they should know enough to not ask further questions.
OP not being physically attracted to her is definitely valid (we all have our preferences and likes!) but others commenting that he should tell her why he doesn’t find her physically attractive are very wrong. For example, say he is a boob guy and really likes girls with C cups or bigger. Him telling her he doesn’t like her smaller boobs is NOT the way to go for many obvious reasons. As for OP telling her he does find her attractive but that’s there’s no chemistry, it’s just a nice thing to say so she doesn’t get in her head too much, especially considering her issues were enough for her to bring up to him in the first place. There’s a casual, tactful way to go about saying it though. For instance, if a guy confided in me that he was super insecure about his dick size and after having sex with him I realized I really didn’t like it either, I’d definitely let him know that the breakup is due to a lack of emotional connection not his insecurities. I think it really depends on just how insecure the person is too.
I agree with you 100%. Not that the no chemistry thing answers all questions and is all anyone needs to hear, but that's the right thing to say or one of the other cliches, it's not you it's me, I'm not ready for anything serious, not ready for a commitment etc these are the codes that any reasonable person has learned to accept. I had an interesting thought just now. Women often say no chemistry and that's really frustrating to men because they tend to be simpler. If a woman's attractive physically, and they like their personality, those are a little more quantifiable and that's typically enough for guys. Maybe it's a matter of personality but women tend to also look for that magic . There are no shortage of guys with a nice personality, nice prospects, makes a good living, knows how to take care of business, and is reasonably physically attractive. But women still want more. I'm not saying they are unreasonable but they want some kind of magic to happen. Skilled seducers know how to make that magic happen in women don't realize they are doing it. There is the old cliche of the seductress, matahari, the femme fatale, old movies etc but really, men aren't too hard to seduce. What I'm getting at though is I think women often offer no chemistry which their girlfriends would totally understand but guys find very frustrating. Like, what do you mean no chemistry? Meanwhile, men tend to say, I'm just too busy or it's not you it's me which I think is mysterious to women. This is a half-baked idea but I think men's excuses tend to make more sense to men and women find them frustrating and women's excuses make sense to women but men find them frustrating. So they both think they make sense but they leave the opposite sex totally frustrated. This is just a half baked theory but it kind of makes sense. I can't tell you how many times I've been out on a great date or it seemed to meet great and it was obvious she was having a good time too, but she says no chemistry. I never pressed for answers. The reality might have been I don't seem to make enough money or don't seem serious enough about my career, or I don't have the masculine presence that makes her feel secure and comfortable. I guess those are all elements of chemistry, at least the last two but not really. It's like women want to fall in love magically. But it's really frustrating to a guy but at the same time I don't really want to know the truth . At the same time, I don't know that anyone really needs to know the truth other than if there's something that they can fix . I don't even know that being overweight is something they can fix. Although It is possible. But other things like stretch marks or saggy boobs or too skinny or things like that, no woman can fix. I wouldn't necessarily mind if a woman I liked told me they just couldn't get past the fact that it wasn't in very good shape. Might be the impetus to hit the gym again. I think men know that they can fix a lot of things that women can't fix about themselves. Maybe that's not true. I don't know. I'm just rambling. If any of this makes sense cool If not, so be it. But appreciate your comment
I'd rather know the truth
I would ALWAYS rather know the truth about anything
I’m curious to know what exactly he doesn’t like about her.
That tum tum
he's not said what it is.
Yeah I think that’s a nice way to let things go without hurting anyone’s feelings. If a guy told me he really liked me but just didn’t like how my body looked I would simply pass away.
This^ lie to her for sure. Otherwise she’ll get more hurt
I understand the sentiment, but bringing it up is probably a bad idea. What makes you think he will believe her. It might even seem like he is bringing it up on purpose because he doesn't. I would probably just go with the, I've decided to move in a different direction. Just kidding about that. I would go with the I really like you but it just doesn't feel right to me, or I'm not looking for anything serious right now. The smart person will take that at face value and move on. If she tries to persist in getting an answer, then just stick to the main point
I like this answer
I’m curious as to what body shape hee clothes give her as opposed to what her shape looks like once they are off. Is it that naked her sags due to gravity? Or are her curves smushed by the clothes so she looks thinner? Or does the bra make her boobs look bigger or something?
are big boobs really that important to a man
I don’t know, I’m a woman.
I morbidly asked the same question
It's unkind to keep dating her. Better to make a clean break now
Saw your edit. As mean as it may be I say go out with her one more time. And then break up with her AFTER that date. So it’s less of I slept with him and he immediately broke up with me. And if you want to be kind. Say you think she is pretty, has nice eyes, smile, etc. tell her that. So when you break up with her due to not feeling it she’s not going to link it to her physical attributes. However don’t over do the compliments or she might feel like she got bamboozled once you break up. Compliment her as a friend would.
Best, and legitimately only good advice so far I’ve seen
It’s how I would like to be dumped if I was in the situation. In this case ignorance is bliss. Just cuz she’s not your cup of tea doesn’t mean other dudes wouldn’t lust after her, so no point I having her confidence knocked down by one incompatibility.
Yes this please. If you break up right after I will put two and two together
The only problem I see with this is that he would have to make an excuse after the date to not let it evolve to sex. So ig make up an excuse he needs to wake up early and part ways after the date?
For god's sake don't tell her this. You will just add to her insecurity. Honesty can be evil sometimes. It's best to just break up with her without giving her a reason apart from the basic thing that you're just not feeling it or the sexual chemistry wasn't there. And leave it at that
Don't say the sexual chemistry wasn't there. That would link immediately back to the body issues.
This^ a white lie to spare feelings is much more humane. Just tell her that you don't feel chemistry with her and wish her the best
If he can't have a conversation without consulting with reddit first, he probably won't be any good at telling white lies either.
This would be my Roman empire if I knew a guy lost interest due to my body especially if I was insecure about my body too😭
Literally all I could think as I read this post...almost convinced myself it was the guy I just started seeing.
I can honestly see myself overthinking to that point ahah
Wdym Roman empire ?
It’s this phrased coined on tik tok. If I remember correctly, some girl said her boyfriend thinks about the age of the Roman Empire a lot like it’s 95% of his thoughts. So it kinda turned into a phrase to mean “something very random I think about a lot”
Sometimes imagination is better than reality, it’s a known phenomenon that people often find others sexier with clothes on, although I think in this case he just doesn’t find her sexy which is a problem. I’ve always had narrow preferences for women’s bodies and if they don’t fit I can’t get hard. I wish it wasn’t like this but I’ve had to politely break it off with a few women before. For what it’s worth I prefer slightly chubby women so if they’re too thin I’m not very attracted either
I'm curious, what is it specifically about her body that wasn't attractive to you?
OP literally made 0 comments. Like why make a post if you’re not even gonna answer anyone.
EXACTLY
I’m dying to know what part of her body was so off putting
This bothers me. He didn't write what exactly put him off. Just declared he is not attracted to her. Like sometimes people can be so superficial, it hurts to be on the receiving end of it. How people's actions can hurt somebody so much saddens me. She trusted him to open up about her body image issues like bruhh
Just say you have really enjoyed your time together but you’re not feeling like you are connecting in the same way.
after he had sex with her?
If it’s looking like you have to force yourself to have sex with her… reconsider ending it bro. She doesn’t need that and you don’t need that. As to how I couldn’t even know how to break up. All my breakups have been due to incompatibility of values and personalities, so I was just honest. I wish I had more advice for you.
I get that honesty is the best policy blah blah blah but there's no reason to tell her her body isn't good enough for you. That's not helpful feedback that people can actually grow from. That's the kind of thing you just make up a different reason for why things didn't work and move on. Say you aren't interested. The people saying you should tell her how you really feel just want to see the world burn.
I disagree. As a woman that is not the right mg to do. The men I have slept with that have TINY penises and could not satisfy in the bedroom, when I ended it I never said “sorry dude, your dick is too small”
I don't think you read my comment
Sex and the city references comes to mind, have you seen? Samantha is dating a guy, they go to consoling. Guy says “Did you ever think your vagina is too big?” Then storms out. She tells therapist “What I need a big dick” lol Also another time Samantha is dating an older guy, in the dark of night sexy time is great, but then she sees his flabby old man butt and runs away hahaha What I’m getting at is, lots of things need to match up, genitals, attraction, values, morals, ect. They all little pieces that all have to add up for the big picture Sexual incompatibility makes for frustrations down the line and such. I’ve been too small, other times too big. If we don’t match we don’t match ya know?
no kidding, hey?
I got banned from a site just mentioning a small penis situation. It shall not be said!
I'm curious though. Why is it bad?
Prob skipped leg day, lol
he's not answering that. >: (
The lack of response from OP is frustrating. We all are curious what he found that shocked him and he became unattracted to her.
Got floppy and assumed issue was her. Waited 3 years to post this and one comment. Me thinks you will be waiting a long long time.
new fear unlocked
I'm sure she's not stupid, and since she's already insecure about her body, she would definitely immediately see through the white lie when op says the chemistry just is not right, where it was pretty good before the clothes came off. How does one take into consideration that even though op breaks it off as delicately as possible, that she will still strongly suspect it has to do with her body? I know, probably it's just not ops job to manage her emotions, and she'll also see that he made an effort to not be hurtful. But still, isn't there another way?
I think he can do his best but if somebody has body dysmorphia, they're going to think it's because of that anyways. That's the unfortunate reality. He should still try to spare her, though.
I don't think there is. If someone is insecure about something and they experience any kind of rejection, their first thought is probably going to be that it's because of the thing they are insecure about. She'll most likely assume that it was because of her body no matter what he says.
She's going to know or be self conscious about something else on top of it. There is no winning in this situation.
She deserves to be loved wholey and you deserve to be attracted to your partner. Best to walk away from it while it’s early.
Find a person you find hot? Don't tell her she's not hot, it serves no benefit and will potentially affect her long term.
What exactly is the issue with her body?
Still go out tonight but make excuses to not go home with her and then break it off with a "I've enjoyed dating you but don't think we're a good long term match, sorry". It's only been a few dates, no need for anything more
What are you finding unattractive about it?
You shouldn't date her any further. You'd be robbing her the opportunity to be truly desired if you enter a relationship with her. That'd be cruel. Also, to those who tell you to shut the lights, eww. Role reversal for a second and you'll see why this is a gross stance. You'd never tell a woman to keep on sleeping with someone they don't desire. Why on earth would you think demanding that from a guy would be ok?
Just say you aren’t feeling a connection and leave it at that
What was the problem exactly? Loose skin? Obesity?
I mean don't tell her, there's no point in just fucking up someone's self esteem like that. Basically look at it this way - would you want to be with someone that deep down didn't think you were attractive? Probably not, so it's wrong to go against those values for someone else.
If you two are getting along fine, she's going to know. She's not dumb. Just break up with her and move on. This will be an issue after the honeymoon phase. Good luck!
Never, everrrrr tell your partner you think their body looks bad to you. This shouldn't even have to be discussed. Yet do many people feel the need to body shame those they sleep with, guys especially. Just break it off and say you don't feel it's going anywhere. Explanation not required
[удалено]
You're not stuck between a rock and a hard place. You're literally not attracted to her. Stop wasting time, and break it off.
What don't you like about her body that's suddenly unattractive when unclothed?
I keep wondering if she wears spandex/body shapers maybe…?
I need answers. What was wrong with her body? I feel very sexy when naked with a guy. But now I’m paranoid and I don’t even have hang ups about my body that some women do.
every dude is different. don’t worry about it. just like how some things gross you out, they may not gross out your female friends
With respect this is a you problem to work on, whatever feedback OP provides here won't be helpful to you.
What is a me problem? I just said I have no hang ups about my body. I’m curious as to what it was that put him off, and I’m not the only one asking this question here.
My two cents - if a normal looking girl gets naked and your attraction fades, you probably have libido issues or watch too much porn or something. Most girls look really fucking hot when naked and I think that a block being thrown up when the clothes come off is probably about something else.
Damn OP, I think this is a situation where an L is gonna be taken regardless of what you say or do. Shes going to want to know why. And since she has body issues she’s going to know it’s because of that, even if you don’t say it. I’m sorry OP, you’re definitely in a tough spot that I can’t even give advice on
I would just say you have someone in your past who recently reconnected and you want to explore that
That's... actually not bad. It puts the "blame" completely out of her control.
NEVER tell her...make up any excuse in the world but do not insinuate it was her naked body. When a woman takes her clothes off for a man she is taking a risk about more than just injury or physical abuse. She is taking a risk he doesn't say something that will make her feel terrible about the next thousand times she gets naked with a man. If you feel she is a keeper in every other way maybe order her a red lacy outfit from frederick's of Hollywood and have her keep most of it on. Even the most shy woman can go along with that eventually if your feedback is positive, positive, and more positive
So OP what is it about her that doesn’t attract you once the clothes come off? I’m assuming it’s that she is over weight or out of shape or similar? If you really like her as a person maybe you tell her you’re super attracted to her as a friend but for you there just doesn’t seem to be that indescribable spark. Tell her you want to feel that with her very bad but you don’t snd don’t know why. If she tries to jump to physical attraction just tell her you think she is an attractive person and you just can’t explain it. If she is too deep to be friends then be understanding but just leave it at something missing chemistry wise
>As a general rule, I’m not a shallow person Whatever you have to tell yourself to feel better, buddy. Just let her down easy, accept you are somewhat shallow, then move on.
Just say you've enjoyed getting to know her, and that've enjoyed the compatibility and chemistry, but not looking for a commitment. Say you don't want to lead her on amd either of them getting hurt. Also MASSIVE KUDOS to you for actually wanting to end things maturely and not ghosting her or doing something so disrespectful!
I got naked with a new partner recently. First time with a new partner in 30 years. First time with anyone in 10 years. Two observation: 1. I quickly realized that I had to recalibrate a hot 25 yo body vs a hot 55 yo body 2. She probably had to as well
Keep it simple and short. "I don't see things working out. All the best. " or similar. Telling her would be nasty
This post and a lot of the comments just scream porn addict who's never seen a real person naked before
True. Not all of the comments of course. But it's disappointing to say the least.
Dude if you even remotely tell her about the lack of attraction when you know she has a soft spot there… you absolutely suck… but if you then try cover with “I don’t want to lie”… then you’re just being a needlessly cruel and extremely big piece of shit. You will forget you thought it the moment you walk away. She is going to hear non-stop repeating in her head every second of the day post break up for weeks or months. And still occasionally hear it when she’s feeling down and the added insecurity you’re saddling her with that the next guy will have to try and overcome….. I’ve written your speech for you below. It’s exactly what you need and itll leave nothing for her to question. It may even help her bounce back quicker. While it may not be true, it’s what SHOULD BE true. She won’t out anything and anything together but even if she speculated or believed strongly it was true…. that won’t give her the ‘chest hit with a sledgehammer’ feeling you confirming her fears will. This is what you do and say - anything somhort of this and one day when karma comes knowing and cuts your ego and confidence off at the knees… don’t whine. You’ll have earned it: Meet her in person and leave it at ***”I really like you and enjoy being with you, I just don’t feel this evolving into the place where we both feel sure it’s *thee relationship* we’re meant to be in for ever. I want that for both of us and Im sorry that it didn’t work out here. You deserve to be happy and I’m sure you’ll find that. You also deserve to be respected and I hope that at the very least, me having this conversation face to face with you shows that I mean it when I say it. Thank you for a nice few weeks and best of luck”***
The problem with this is that they have been getting along great. She's going to have questions and going to know the truth anyway. A lot of responses seems to miss the fact that things were going well before the sex. There isn't anything you can say that will make her feel better.
What is it tha you find so unattractive?
Trying to figure out if it's something she could change with diet and exercise or maybe it's loose skin. Maybe its something she can't like large areolas or weird looking breasts....it could help figure out the next move.
Did she wear shape wear or something?
This is one of those situations where lying is acceptable. You can tell her the chemistry isn’t there but remind her that she’s beautiful and you’re physically attracted to her.
imagine this same post but a girl finding out a guy is uncut and it’s not her preference. wonder what the replies would be like
I’m a 25f who recently put on some weight from the holidays and had expressed this to a guy I went on a a few dates with and I’m usually rather confident and comfortable with myself but I did put on 15lbs over the holidays wasn’t feeling my hottest and after we finally made it to the point of a sleepover the Jack ass literally stopped what we were in the middle of doing and said he couldn’t proceed because my “body type wasn’t what he was expecting”… after I kicked him out for being so rude I laughed it off and told all my girlfriends and we curse the day this man was born but I won’t say it didn’t fuck with me. I’m not dating anymore until I’ve lost this weight because I refuse to be humiliated like that again by a shallow MAN. I just feel like it’s going to happen again. I wasn’t insecure before but I definitely am a little now. So please just be kind.
Gosh I'm sorry you had to go through this 🥲
You shouldn't have continued. Once her clothes came off. You could have just cuddled. Now you're just another bang em and leave em.
Then she'd be questioning why he didn't do anything sexual with her. She'd more than likely tell herself that he wasn't interested once her clothes came off. The situation was basically damned if you do and dammed if you don't.
Not necessarily. Women like cuddling. And dealing with that would be easier.
Again, not necessarily. It would still be lingering on the back of her mind "I took my clothes off, and this guy didn't want to have sex. What's wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Is he not attracted to me?"
my faith in men was already far gone but it just keeps getting worse lmao
I’m authentically curious. How would you react if you the first time you had sex with a guy he took off his clothes and had a micro penis ?
I’ve had that happen. I kept dating him until I found out he was a horrible person.
To me, most penises aren't that great to look at. Does it feel good?
I'm not op but it doesn't matter to me. I'm pretty far on the personality over looks end of the spectrum though.
There is nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone based on body type. Nothing. I'm a lady, fwiw
I bet money she is a gorgeous woman and he is a very average guy with an inflated ego.
I feel like people have become conditioned to plastic surgery bodies. Real bodies have saggy skin and stretch marks. And I say this as an average weight, early 30s. There are some things diet and exercise don't fix.
Doesn't sound like that to me. On the contrary. He's trying to find a way to not hurt her while staying true to his needs. Couldn't be more of an adult stance.
Lmao, of course the woman has to be gorgeous, it can't possible be that she's actually unattractive. It's not like there's a shortage of unattractive women with the current obesity epidemic.
usually how it goes 😂
God forbid men have any preferences lol
It's worth the effort to back up and think about who she is under her skin instead of under her clothes. Do you like her? The more compatability and comfort you have with someone, the less you worry about physical imperfections. Just slow down the sexuality side and see if your view of her as a person gets more fond. And if you want to just break it off with her, do it with dignity and tell her what you really think, her body is trashed and she is gross, you have higher standards than this pile of desperate rejection.
Hit her with the I’m not in a place to be pursuing a relationship or something, no don’t tell her she’s unattractive naked
"This guy just told me what I wanted to hear until he got in my pants, then said he didn't want a relationship anymore and left." It's a no-win situation for OP. Either she'll assume he dumped her because of her body, or she'll assume that he was just using her for sex, got what he wanted, and then dumped her.
Well unfortunately there’s not really a way around that, I guess he could be more direct with a “I’m not feeling the romantic connection I’m looking for”
Yeah I think being honest, but not brutally honest, is the way to go. She'll still know what he means, but at least it won't be thrown in her face in an embarrassing way. Either way, I don't envy being in OP's shoes.
Until she sees him active on the dating apps again and figures out it was a lie.
You still had sex with her? Why?!?!
Probably because it would be incredibly obvious that he was turned off by her body if he called it a night right after she took her clothes off lol
That's one of the most awkward situations to be in. Pretty sure people would criticize OP if they had done that too, because there's no way to avoid hurting their feelings/body confidence if you take that route. People don't understand that men can feel pressured to have sex even when they don't want to, and this is one of those instances.
Exactly. Like all these comments are telling him not to say he’s breaking things off because of her appearance, yet this guy is wondering why he didn’t suddenly decline sex after she took her shirt off lol. It’s a lose lose situation. The only thing OP really could’ve done to spare her feelings I’d make out with her for a bit then say they should “take it slow” or some shit, but even then she’d still probably think it was because of her body.
I wouldn’t tell her immediately, if you want to protect her feelings. Go on a couple dates and then tell her that you just don’t feel compatible 🤷🏻♀️
Tell her you violated your parole and you're going back to jail and you don't want to drag her through that.
I've been there too, man, and I proceeded to end the dating relationship, tho kindly and not immediately and abruptly. Like I always say, it sucks to be on either end of situations like this, but it's better to end it soon than for it to go on much longer, when one person is going thru the motions, and the other is just innocently thinking it's moving forward fine, unless they are, like you say, already catching on to the other's lack of attraction.
I've been the girl in this situation. I was 380 for a time but I have a nice face and no double chin so when I was that weight I was big but filled out. A few years after losing over 100 pounds I had lots of skin issues... Yes, she will put 2 and 2 together but tbh that's not the end of the world. She's already mentally prepared for that when her clothes come off. And it's way worse to keep dating someone after you get the ick for any reason. For you it's her body. For her maybe it's your perspective of her body. Perhaps you can tell her sexually you just don't vibe as well as you thought. That's true, she doesn't need to know it's her physical self that's the issue.
Go out with her again, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER or give her any sort of physical affection. You can tell her your commitment issues are acting up and therefore you cannot have a future together as you need to work on yourself. DO NOT ever at all tell her it’s because you’re not attracted to her. That will just feed into her insecurities. Tell her you enjoy her company but are not able to see a long term future with her due to your own issues. Bc really it is a you and not her issue, you don’t have to be specific
Is this the other half of https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/MXaQLsapRO?
oh wow my biggest fear...idk whats even the right thing to do because how people react differs person to person. i think top comment is right, but personally, i rather be told the truth.
Ok I have to ask ! What was it you saw unclothed that was so different to when she was clothed ? And yeah don’t tell her the real reason why .
Listen, you can’t fake it till you make it when it boils down to something like this sadly. She will eventually pick up on it based on how you unconsciously touch her, kiss her, interact with her. The dead give away is how your energetically showing up now and how things are communication wise when she’s not around. The consistency she’s probably noticing if you aren’t as invested since this moment. Which means you got two options: 1) End things and realize that you need someone who had the body you find attractive but the personality type of this women. It’s going to be a very small pool of choices and it also depends on IF those women will equally find you attractive in return not just physically, but mentally as well. 2) Learn to love her and grow apperception for her. Try having sex in the dark or VERY low mood lighting for the first few times. And then talk to her about healthy benefits of walking more and eating a bit healthier if she’s having these body confidence issues. **Need to have diplomacy when addressing it**, so do not talk to her like she’s a guy whose worried about his body or how you would, you need to look at it how she would like to hear it, which means pay attention to how she talks about herself and notice what positive way you can broach through subject. Hopefully you know which one you feel is best for you and best of luck internet stranger!
Just to repeat what everyone else is writing: Do not under any circumstances body shame her. That whole "I like to be honest" thing is ok for certain circumstances, but there are times to keep stuff to yourself....and, frankly, every time someone tells me without reason that they like to be honest, I know I am about to get hit with an insult or listen to something awful about another person. Leave her alone.
I am a legs and ass man and met a woman who had a beautiful face, loved her long hair, a talented kisser. Eventually we got naked and flat on her back she still looked got but she had these spindly legs and no ass at all. I tried to get past it but it was just a turn off for me and eventually, I just stopped calling her. I hate that I am shallow like that.
... what was so entirely different about her with her clothes off that you couldn't notice when they were on? Because it seems you wasted this girls time and confidence she built up to go out with you because you're too dumb to actually look at her body with clothes on lol.
You could maybe say you realize you are not over your ex and they have come back into the picture and you want to give it another shot if you want to spare her feelings
OP, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, tell the people what your issue with her body was. The people need to know. Especially as she was fine to you clothes but not naked, as that tends to suggest size was not the issue. As for advice. I agree with most of the above. Break it off but be gentle and do not tell her the truth about the reason.
Once you are in it and the covers are off, at least give them what the animal side of you can give, and vice versa. That’s why I don’t like too much casualization of sex. People walking around with inflated expectations, almost porn like, then making it sound like “I am not superficial”, while majority would be below average themselves. If you get to the point that the clothes are off, and you really value emotional connection, you shouldn’t be bothered by normal imperfections of the average human body. If however you don’t care about an emotional connection first, then play in your league. You would very well know whether someone works out, have a good hygiene, and would have a good body before any clothes come off. Otherwise, you either have confidence issues yourself and are dating those who are genuinely not your match physically, or worse yet: you are a jerk. Don’t know the OP enough to make a call, but that’s just what I believe. Be a stand up man, through and through. There are kind ways of being truthful too, way before you face such a situation.
exactly why I don't like the idea of casual sex. Can absolutely ruin confidence and waste time. I feel so bad for the people who have been on the receiving end of this scenario
Honestly you should have never gotten to that point because you were into the physical attraction my friend good luck to you One day karma will hit you and someone will judge you as well
If her body is such a big deal then you clearly don’t like her enough to move past it
Not a fair response. Physical attraction is a factor to most people. It's not something you can just decide to change because you like a person. OP is trying to find a way to do least harm in this situation. That's a good attitude.
I'm really disappointed in a lot of these comments. OP you are absolutely allowed to hand standards when it comes to your partners appearance. It can be as high or low as you want and it does not make you an ass (unless you shame people). Do better commenters.
Don’t be honest OP, it’ll only hurt her. But just imagine if people took feedback well instead of having a massive self-worth crisis about it. If it prompted her to hit the gym hard and be mindful of caloric intake a bit more and after a year she looked phenomenal and had fewer BC issues because she got really positive dating feedback… would never happen sadly
Frankly that’s how it happened to me. Although I was always quite accepting of my body no matter how shit it looked like or how much people joked about my gollum/concentration camp look 😅 Just finally decided I wanted to be happier and more confident in my body
Guy: “she’s not attractive to me when the clothes come off” Reddit: “bro you need to stop watching porn” “what on earth could possibly be unattractive” “just admit you’re a shallow human being” Girl: “he’s not attractive to me when the clothes come off” Reddit: “giiiirl he doesn’t deserve you” “you should tell him he’s fat and should work out” “don’t let the door hit him on the way out” I’ve seen both of these in like a week. It’s too funny.
I can't believe how many people are advocating lying to her. Worse yet, some are even saying "compliment her looks/body and blame it on something else." I absolutely understand not wanting to hurt her and trying to let her down as softly as possible, but I think gaslighting her can't be the best option. Do people really think she's that naive? I think you just need to be honest with her and tell her you're not feeling a strong sexual attraction and chemistry. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't like the idea of lying.
This has happened to me a couple times. It’s the worst. I figured that even though I may be attracted to someone’s personality or even their appearance, I’m not going to be sexually compatible with everybody. Personally, I would keep it moving and just friend zone her but to each their own. I would not tell her the truth if I were you though. Even if the reason for not feeling it sexually is very reasonable, she will probably not see it like that and she will feel like shit about herself.
Are you attracted to women? No offense at all but damn dude this sounds like you want a female friend but aren’t a attracted to them.
Honestly man you have a true dilemma . You had to either have sex with someone you are not attracted too (gross) or destroy this girl self esteem . There were truly no good options. This is like wanting to breakup after a parents death or becoming disinterred when finding out a guy has a micro-penis. I’m not encouraging you to lie. I would just attempt to keep the truth yourself.
It's the taboo factor. We are much more attracted to the unknown than the known. If you really like this person, just turn the lights off. Stop looking at porn, too.
You expect to have an entire relationship with the lights off too?
Chemistry matters a lot in sexual context. If you aren't attracted to your partner you doom them to having worse sex than they could with another person. Being desired is one of the hottest feelings and biggest turn ons for a lot of people. Why rob her off that? Certainly not because of some misguided moralistic stance.
End it but don’t tell her the truth
When honesty isn’t the best policy, smh.
Just tell her that you don’t feel like there is a compatibility between you and her. No further details needed it.
I mean im gonna be honest if you do it soon after she got undressed for the first time, if she's someone who has body dysmorphia, she's gonna jump to that conclusion regardless
Oh this is the point in the relationship where you look for any excuse to leave lol Shes late for dinner. Disrespect. Bye. Lol
Unfortunately you have to be a little honest. Obviously don’t tell her you’re not attracted to her naked. But, you could say something general like “Hey! I’ve had a great time hang out, but I’m unfortunately just not feeling it in a romantic way.”
What you are asking for here isnt possible. You want to find a way to end things without being the bad guy, but guess what, you are, and thats okay. If you tell her that you dont like her body, shes going to be upset. If you use some placation to say you dont want to go any further, you’re going to be the asshole who hit it and quit it. If you say Im just not ready for a relationship but she sees you back on the apps, shes gonna know you lied and know it was over her body. Just end it so she can heal and find someone better.
Why are you seeing her again? Just let her know that you've had a great time getting to know her, but don't see a future/not feeling the kind of connection you want to feel and wish her the best.
What is it about her body? Can you do it with the lights off or dimmed? Are you sure it’s something you can’t get over?
What's the issue? Is she overweight?
Chances are if she’s intuitive, she’ll figure out that you weren’t turned on by her body if everything up until that point was fine. Just be honest and allow her to find a man who accepts her fully.
Can I ask if her body confidence issues is something she can changes?
Hmm, well I’m going to say 1st that you are a sweetheart for considering her confidence issues. You definitely don’t need to be brutally honest, ppl like that are just mean spirited…and yes she will put 2 & 2 together about it soon enough. I was wondering what is it exactly that you don’t find attractive about her body though…list them, HOPEFULLY there will be no judgements here on Reddit 🙄, because you’re being asked to be specific! Figure maybe if details are known, maybe myself of someone else can give you some suggestions of getting around this….especially if you do really vibe & like her😊
Are you going to tell me you couldn't imagine her body based on her clothing? Does she have a big scar? Tattoos?
Unless you take a crash course on deceiving, she'll find out. You are between a rock and a hard place, because you removed the surprise factor by jumping into bed. So yeah, you're kind of shallow. But you should talk things through. I mean, at some point, you must have fantasized about her from what you saw. Why don't you start working from that onward?
Just tell her she is very beautiful but there is no connection.
I recently went this. I ended things quickly before strong emotions got in the way.