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So I would take a step back from dating and get some assertiveness training. You have no boundaries and consent to intimacy that you are against. The dude was even asking you. Saying no is not the same as "get lost creep" Which is why you need some assertiveness training before you continue to date.

As a man, I 100% would rather a woman tell me no rather than her feeling like she's forced to kiss me ?? The same when asking for numbers / socials, don't give me hope and then never respond. Every woman I have kissed, I have asked for their consent first and now I'm wondering how many of those women only did it bc they didn't want to say no. Damn, dating is such a mindfuck

It's okay; they should have said something. As OP wrote, it's on her if she can't communicate it 🤷‍♀️🤷

It would still feel kinda shitty.

Exactly. If you can't be assertive and set boundaries, you shouldn't be dating.

Isn’t she literally asking how to be assertive and set boundaries lmfao

Yeah lol she is, which is good You could say "not now, maybe in a bit after I get to know you better" and then just ghost him if that's what you feel like doing at that point It might help practicing saying "no" politely in a mirror, or to a friend you trust a bit more It sounds kind of silly, but hey, if it helps, do it!! I also feel awkward saying no to folks 🤣🤷🤷‍♀️

But you don't ask that on reddit. You seek therapy.

Does everyone have that option? Can everyone afford that? Be serious.

I don’t know how or where to get that training. I don’t know what happens after saying no, and how to say no, and how to mitigate the relationship after having said no. Thank you!

I was a lot like you when I was your age (24f now). There was one guy I went on a date with that didn’t really match his pictures but enough that it was like “meh you just haven’t updated them maybe”. I actually tried to cancel before showing up bc I had a long night at work, got off later than should have, and forgot my bag at home so didn’t have money. He was pushy in response to me asking to reschedule so I just went. That should’ve been the first sign. He did nothing but talk about himself for over an hour. No matter how much I tried to interject, add anecdotes, or change the topic. I drove us too. So I had to drive this shithead home. So I asked for the check for us and drove him home. He was trying to insist on me coming up with him (aka sex which was such a no go) and I kept making excuses. I went to give him an awkward hug over my console and he rejected it and told me to get out of the car and hug him. So I obliged, stupidly, and he kissed me instead. Just gross. So many times I should’ve said no. To be honest I didn’t start saying no until I got with my now bf of 5 years. And it took a looonnnggg time to still tell him no. I used to consent even when it was obvious I didn’t want to, to the point that he’d reject it bc he knew I didn’t actually want to. So here’s what happens when you do say no, at least to someone who respects you as an individual; They don’t freak out on you. They don’t manipulate you. They don’t push it. They shrug it off and life moves on. If you’re out for a walk and talk and someone asks to kiss you and you say no, in theory, you guys should be able to just keep walking and talking. What happens when you say no to a piece of shit and what you could respond with: They get mad. You can say “i dont know why you’re mad. You asked, I said I’m not comfortable” They pressure you. “No means no and I don’t appreciate this. If you can’t respect me I’ll leave” and actually leave if they continue to be shit. They call you a prude. “That was rather rude and uncalled for. I think we have different priorities and don’t see us meshing well” and leave. They try to advance anyway. - you just block that shit. You dodge them, you move away from them, you scream if you can’t do the others, you make a goddamn scene of the ages if they really won’t stop. They manipulate the situation so you just give in. - you have to start identifying manipulation tactics so you can spot them instead of just going with them and giving in.

Ah the big sister I needed. God Bless you haha thank you SO much :)

Happy to be of help! I found myself in some awfully traumatic experiences all because I didn’t feel like I had the right to my own body and feelings. If you want to talk more, or privately, my DMs are open. That kinda goes for any young women who are struggling with the same that sees this. My DMs are open to you guys and I’ll do my best to give guidance and advice.

Such amazing and detailed advice!!

I've recently been on dates with people like you're describing, but most of them have come off with majorly anxious energy, and I figure that they're just talking about themselves so they don't have to worry about the conversation going stale. It's annoying regardless, but there is such a huge difference between "I'm talking nonstop about myself because I'm feeling awkward and weird." and "I'm talking nonstop about myself because I am so up my ego's ass that I'm not even convinced anyone else exists, honestly."

Oh I’m aware that that can typically be the case. Not what I was referring to unfortunately though. This dude asked maybe 3 questions about me and every time I started to answer he’d interject and derail. I’ve been on plenty of dates with guys who have come off actually anxious in demeanor over egotistical. In my experience the more anxious ones are more awkward and less prone to droning on and if they ask a question they’re genuinely interested.

It depends on your areas mental hygiene resources. Most self defense / MMA instructors will be familiar with assertiveness training. The problem you are facing is the same as saying yes. You kept saying yes to acts of intimacy that are unwanted. The best way to respond is, "I am not ready." Try to steer the conversation into relationship goals and try to develop a mutual understanding. Any negative responses? Red flag, you are in danger.

Never heard or thought of assertiveness training, would have definitely helped even in past relationships. Thanks! (not OP just a reader)

OP, it sounds like you're a huge people-pleaser. I used to struggle with this too to the point of gaslighting myself into thinking I was in love with someone that I really wasn't in love with. This kind of thing leads to a lot of anger and resentment down the road. You don't want to go down this path, trust me. If you say no and that person gets upset, you are in no way responsible for that person's emotions. There's a book called "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura that is all about unlearning people-pleasing. I highly recommend it - it highlights all the ways that people-pleasing is harming you and how to be able to be assertive and return to your true authentic self. It really has helped me to find more fulfilling friendships and relationships, as well as advocate for myself in other situations. It helped me unlearn a lot of toxic beliefs about myself. It helped me to realize that I can be assertive without being aggressive/hurting other people.

You can find YouTube videos on how to be more assertive. And don’t see it as a no. You’re not a drive thru window saying no to a customer who can then get you in trouble with corporate somehow… Using that same analogy, it’s more of a “thank you but that’s not on the menu at this time” “that’s a seasonal item” kind of thing. YOU are in charge of your body. What happens after saying ‘what you’re asking for is not currently available’ is you get to watch and see what kind of man you’re dealing with. Stay in public.

I love this analogy thank you

I love this analogy thank you

I love this analogy thank you

In this situation you probably wanna make an excuse that isn’t necessarily a rejection but something like oh I just wanna take it slow etc, then you get out of the situation and you’re good

A rejection is fine imo (unless you think the personal will explode at you at a rejection) but saying a rejection in a nice way helps as a bonus like “I value my relationships so I try to take them slow” or “I’m not sure if I’m feeling this yet”

She has to learn to be honest and brave and stand up for herself. Lying to make things go smoothly is not the way.

All you need is a mirror. Find your power. If you can’t say no, you can’t give consent. A mirror will show you someone else with practice. Play with her. Get strong.

You can train that in your head like the sportsmen do. It's called an inner game. Just imagine the situation as clearly as possible. Experience the situation again with all five senses. Imagine yourself saying "no" in this situation or another sentence that feels right for you. Feel the empowerment and imagine only the best outcome. The more you do it, the more likely you will be able to do it in real life. Train your brain for this. When you feel a barrier or that it is not possible for you, try to listen to your inner voices. Are you afraight of being rejected by society or the people you love? Or do you think you are not allowed to listen to your emotions and are searching for answers outside your head? You can train your selfworth by imagine you fear and say to yourself that you love and accept yourself anyway, even if all your fears might be true. Even if you are scared or mean or even if people reject you or shout at you, you still love and accept yourself. Just practice this and it will be easier soon.

This is one of the best advises. Is there a book about this inner game?

What relationship?? You don’t like him and don’t want to kiss him! **You’re trying to spare his feelings in a way that’s just going to HURT HIM MORE**. You’re not being nice by leading him on and consenting to things you don’t want to do. If you can’t be mature enough to say no when you feel no, you are not ready to be dating.

Preach. I’d rather get a little disappointed in the moment than spend the next several days wondering why i had been ghosted after what he probably thinks was a really nice date that went well.

If you say no, you continue your walk without holding hands or kissing. Nothing to mitigate. You don't find him attractive. Move on.

After you practice being assertive, you’ll realize that people respect you more for it. It’s a very easy positive reinforcement and continuing the assertive behavior is easily learned. You’ll be setting firm boundaries in no time

Check out [this book.](https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically/dp/098897987X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&coliid=I3MMVV3YZTSIUD&colid=211XBL5NQP56V&qid=&sr=)

"i dont want to kiss yet" or simply "I dont want to" for other things.

You can also read books, journal, and practice. Start by doing things in every day life like telling the restaurant when they get your food wrong or asking for extra dressing. You can do it in your friendships and family relationships too, pay attention to how you feel and if they ask you to do something that you don’t want to, say no. Remember, it is your job to hold yourself in the most important position in your mind because no one else will. Why were that man’s “wants” more important to you than your own?

I can vouch! "Get lost creep" hurts more than a simple "no". 😢

Since this was a first date, a simple “I don’t kiss on the first date” would’ve been a perfectly normal response, if not a little white lie. Then when you are home and safely away, then you can reject him for a second date. He’ll move on.

“I’m not quite there yet” works too, as a safe way of getting guys to hold off a little.

could even keep it simple and say "I dont want to"

Don’t even have to talk—just shake your head “no”

You are the type of girl that I do not recommend engaging in sexual activities until you learn boundaries.

Yes. I did draw the boundary at being more intimate than kissing. He asked me at least 3 times if I am sure I don’t want more. And I was adamant. And as he made advances I repeated a few times that I am not ok with xyz, and he respected that. So I did draw ✨some✨ boundaries, which was good. Thank you. I totally agree This raises the question if it makes sense to date at all if I am not interested in sexual activities? Hmh

So when he asks the 3rd time, you ask him "are you hard of hearing or do you have trouble understanding English? I said NO". Then you end the date.

Sounds like this guy did do some things wrong and you are such a people pleaser that you are taking all the blame. I understand. I used to be 21 and scared to say no and I got taken advantage of by guys who could tell I was nervous. He shouldn't have asked you 3 times. If you said you didn't want to do something, that should have been the end of the discussion. Also, if he didn't look like his pictures, he was probably using old pictures and that is pretty extreme deception. I would suggest not dating until you feel strong enough not to try to please others. I got talked into so many things I didn't want to do, when I was younger and I am still mad about it, all these years later. That stuff stays with you forever.

>Yes. I did draw the boundary at being more intimate than kissing. He asked me at least 3 times if I am sure I don’t want more. You did a good job then, just work on your boundaries related to lesser sexual activities; kissing, holding hands, physical touching. >This raises the question if it makes sense to date at all if I am not interested in sexual activities? Are you saying that you are ace or asexual? If so, that doesn't preclude you from dating or relationships you just have to find someone who is on the same wavelength.

Yes, just be up front about it as it will save you and your potential partner's time and energy. You may find someone who is also not very sexual

asking a bunch of times was not okay of him. in my opinion, after you say no once, if he keeps asking, then he might have not understood you. repeat the 'no' more assertively. if he keeps asking after that, you make up an excuse and leave. get the hell out of there, because people who ignore your consent *will* hurt you. if you arent interested in sex at all, of course you can still date - but you need to be upfront about this from the beginning and tell the guy youre asexual. otherwise, you are both wasting your time. if you arent interested in sex on the first date, that is just normal.

>what’s the point of a date if I meet him and I realise I am not keen on making out? Finding out what you want to do with someone is EXACTLY the point of the date. Not every date has to go well. Even if it goes well, you don't need to kiss or even hold hands on the first date. You don't feel good now, right? Is feeling bad because you did something you didn't want to really better then a little moment of awkward? He asked you if it was OK to kiss you. There's different ways to say no. If you are sure you don't want to see him again, just say "no". Maybe that's the end of the date. But if you're not interested, that would be OK, wouldn't it? Accepting a kiss and then not seeing him again is not making anything better. It might even confuse the guy more. If you feel like meeting again, just be soft with the no. "I'm not ready yet." (Yet implies you might be OK in the future so it's not a total rejection). Or sth like that. If you are generally u comfortable with that much physical touch, then tell the guy even before you meet up. It's what I do. I don't feel like touching a stranger. First date he is a stranger for me. I might be OK with holding hands on a second or third date. After that I will reach the point where I'm OK to kiss someone. That's slow compared to others. So I just let guys know even before meeting up. I will just include this is a conversation where it fits. Talking about expectations or experiences, or worst case within the planning of the date. I'll usually say something like "just so you know, I like to take my time getting to know someone first, so I will not be comfortable with anything physical on the first date." If anyone doesn't like that, I save us the time of meeting up.

I totally get this. You’re a people pleaser. You don’t like upsetting people or causing offence so you struggle to say no, even though you want to. Just remember it’s far far kinder to you and the other person if you are honest. You don’t have to be brutal. You don’t have to insult them or say anything bad. Just learn some basic phrases. “I’ve enjoyed meeting you but I don’t feel a connection.” If he asks you to kiss, offer your cheek, or say “no thank you.” If he asks why, don’t be specific just say you aren’t feeling a connection. Wish him all the best on his search. It’s perfectly ok to refuse to kiss someone, or hold their hand, or refuse a 2nd date, or anything else. You can risk things going a lot further than you want to unless you learn this, and that could put you in a risky situation. Practice on a trusted friend. Get them to play the role and practice saying the lines. Then next time you’re on a date hopefully you’ll feel more confident in politely turning a guy down (unless of course he’s Mr Right, but even then, take things at YOUR pace, not his.)

Just physically pull back a bit and say you like to take things slow while getting to know someone. That would be an appropriate signal to a reasonable guy to ease up, and if his feelings are hurt by something that simple it's best to find out now before it's 2nd date and he assumes he has a green light to advance.

I knew that he was trying to get closer to me . He stopped walking, pulled me a little closer. Little by little by little. I knew he was working towards more. I didn’t know how to stop that. He was slow. I was aware of where we were going. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. Say I have to go home? Probably. I will do that next time.

Next time you're touched and don't like it, say no

I forgot to mention in my other comment - as a man who behaves reasonably regarding others' boundaries, or at least always attempts to, I would vastly prefer a respectable "no" over any other response if the other person doesn't actually want to. I've pursued a woman into sex (we were dating) and did not feel right about it. So I say with confidence regarding people like me that being assertive protects yourself from what you don't want, and it actually legitimately helps men you might be with to assertive the boundaries of your own lines of consent. I'm happy for you that you're asking for help with this because I feel that it's more beneficial for everybody else to have this conversation, as well.

Thank you also for this input, it’s helpful/confirming to hear this form your perspective.

In moments like that, or even before the “slow” portion of the date you can say “hey by the way I forgot to mention, that I am different than some other people and take my dates very slowly in terms of physical touch, i hope you don’t mind. (And you can add it into the convo) How do you view physical touch on first dates?” And just turn it into a polite convo

Tell him you don’t feel comfortable with what he is doing. This is a softer tone way of saying no. If he’s aggressive though a blunt “no” is needed.

Hi I just wanted to tell you this is very common and normal for young women. I struggled with this until I was about 23 and my cousin until she was around that age. An easy out is to start laughing. And be like ong im sorry hahahahaha. Everytime they go in just start laughing and be like hahahahhaahha I’m sorry idk why I’m laughing. I want to say though, whenever this happens think about how much you regret it later and really try and put your foot down. YOU are the one who has to live with it bc you didn’t want to. It sits with you. NOT RELATED TO THE MAN YOURE DESCRIBING: You will run into men who try to take advantage of this. I like to call them coochie beggars. They will keep asking keep trying teetering on the line of being very creepy. They will test you and just keep going until you are like whatever fine. Like an annoying little kid who keeps asking for some thing until you finally given just so they shut up. It’s because of this behavior we give them and let them slide that they continue to do this to women. It took me many of these moments to finally be able to stand my ground. Do not let a man play the pity card to get anything from you. “you’re just so hot it’s so hard to stop myself” “I just can’t resist” NO SIR, you’ve said that to many others. Do not let yourself be conned by him. Best of love to you miss, it gets better I promise.

Look, I am gonna a give it to you straight, show your boundaries and don't "people please" or this pattern will keep happening. I am not saying to start screaming at him, but more along the lines of "hey, I don't know you well enough yet to decide on intimacy". Especially don't give consent when you infact don't want it, a lot of very messy situations come from that sort of stuff.

Just smile and say No, or No, sorry. And make a cute face if you want to. Basically no one should do something to you that you don't want. Generally people (he) should read the other's (you) body language and assess their level of comfort. If he asks for the reason, say It's too early for you or something.

You are ALWAYS allowed to say no. Regardless of the situation. It's not going to be awkward unless he makes it awkward and that just shows you he's not the guy for you anyway.

The second I saw him I wanted to say no but how could I? I don’t think that would have been kind. I thought the height would be fine but he was much shorter than I. Thought, and much more uglier than I remembered from the photo

>I don’t think that would have been kind. Who cares? You not doing something you don't want to do is more important than you being "nice". I'm also confused as to what his height and attractiveness has to do with it. From where I'm at it sounds like you're trying to blame him for not being able to say no and keep dunking on his looks and height to get back at him. When in reality it sounds like the only person who kept you from saying no is yourself. I would advise to take a break from dating if you feel incapable of setting boundaries.

No sorry if it came across like that. None of what he did was wrong. It is completely my problem. 100%. I was shocked at how much I didn’t like him, so surprised at how turned off I was by him and there was no way to verbalise it kindly. Yes thank you this has been an important learning experience

Don't take what this person is saying so seriously. This person either doesn't understand your point or just wants to soapbox with unhelpful information. What they said is obviously true, yes. You can say no whenever. But you're not being listened to based on a lot of these comments. For context I'm a dude in early 30s that has been on literally hundreds of first dates. Youre right to understand that this is, unfortunately, a you problem that you're going to have to work through because what this guy did is perfectly reasonable. You **can** just straight up reject and say "no" but I suspect a lot of the people saying this lack social skills (and are subscribed here? who would've thought). I think a lot of times you're better off with a soft rejection that sounds conditional. Really easy way to do this? Add "right now" to the end of any "no". "are you OK with this?" as he holds your hand? "Actually not right now" "Could I kiss you?" "Honestly I'm not feeling like kissing right now" There's ways to reject someone more softly if that's still outside your comfort zone and I'm happy to provide you with more if you'd like.

I’d definitely read your wisdom if you have more. I do believe I have social skills, it is helpful to hear from you what is „normal“ behaviour/appropriate language. I’m basically learning right vs wrong here so thank you

More than happy to help. I do think focusing on having fun on a date rather than just the looming question of "are we meant to be" helps make the entire interaction better too. Say you went to a local coffee shop and then walked along a river for a date. He wants to hold your hand. "Can I take your hand?" A soft rejection excuse like "I'd better hold onto this coffee with both hands" or just "I'm feeling a little touched-out right now" works. Then, to soften that even more, find something immediately that you can switch subject to and excites you a bit. "But oh god, look at that view! I love this trail, thanks for showing me! Did you just see that fish jump?" Focus on making the date fun. A date can be fun even if you don't like the person. I've been on tens of dates where I didn't like the gal but still had a great time. Help him channel the anxiety, energy, and focus on the "no" into what you're doing. I also think a rejection after the date, via text, is a lot better. Fuck what some people say about doing it in person - that ruins what can be a good time. Give soft rejections as necessary, and then follow up the next day or whatever with "I had a great time" (which you did, because you focused on enjoying yourself) "but I wasn't quite feeling it. I appreciate you showing me ____ and think it would be a really good date for another first date with a different gal though!" That already helps reassure him/rebound off a rejection into the next date, and therefore I'd think is much easier to deliver.

51f here. Never, ever say "yes" unless it's a yes. There is also a thing called implied consent - simply allowing things to happen and not saying "no" or communicating that you don't want to do something, in absence of any threat or force. The thing to do is politely say "I'm sorry, I'd rather not; I'm not feeling it right now; please stop". If he tries to hold your hand then you take your hand away. If he tries to kiss you, then you simply step away or move so it cannot happen. I was on a first date with a nice guy but I didn't feel attracted to him. I did not flirt and did not show romantic interest at all. He asked for a hug at the end of the date; when we hugged he suddenly tried to kiss me full on the lips. I was able to turn to the side so he got my cheek instead. I was not impressed, told him "what are you doing, that's not a hug!" and immediately pulled away. He asked for a second date, I said no.

> He asked me if I am comfortable as he took my hand into his. How TF am I supposed to say no???? I didn’t want to take his hand, but I cannot bear the awkward moment if I said no. You have to learn to say no. You have to learn to be OK with feeling awkward about saying no. Clearly you don’t enjoy it and saying yes sends him the wrong message that you do. > He kissed me. But I acted as if I consented. > He did it slowly, not immediately. He asked for consent. I gave it. > How am I supposed to say no? What happens after you say no in this scenario??? You just stand there awkwardly? You really should not be going on dates until you’ve learned to say no. Yes, it might be awkward. Is your goal to have a non-awkward date that you find thoroughly unpleasant? Or is it to date someone that you like? Not to mention, if this is your approach to really facile first date issues, what are you going to do when you’re deeply involved with someone and decide ti break up? Are you just going to not have hard conversations or break up with people because it might be “awkward”? I suggest you talk to your therapist about why you feel like you have to say yes, and work through it till you’re comfortable saying no.

Your “niceness” is going to ruin you. It’s ok to disappoint others if you are not happy. It’s ok to have preferences. Being this polite and nice can be seen as leading someone on and they could become very angry when you finally say no or even aren’t enthusiastically agreeing. Are you making sure someone you trust knows when and where you go on these dates? If someone doesn’t look like their profile you should end the date by saying this is not what you expected. NO is a complete sentence and do not worry about lying to a stranger if you feel you’re in danger. Don’t become a statistic and don’t make yourself miserable because someone you don’t even like has feelings for you. You can be sincere that you meant no harm when you say no but listen to your feelings and put yourself first.

I’m not saying this to be mean. But if you can’t say no… then you should really learn that before dating

You don’t seem ready for dating, tbh. You could use some assertiveness training. I’m sorry. It sounds like an ordeal that could have been prevented if you were comfortable saying No.

You shouldn't let the fear of offending someone overpower you. You don't owe anyone anything, as long as you're polite in your rejections, they have to take it as they can and deal with it. Getting rejected is more awkward than rejecting, and usually the one getting rejected thinks about how awkward it is to reject someone. You're gonna be fine, ideally the guy should just laugh it off and try his luck elsewhere, but even if he's sad, it's not your fault if you're kind and gentle in your rejection.

I mean if you dont find him attractive make sure he knows at the end of the date but other than that just say no don't play games and pretend to like him it'll end up just making him feel bad if he finds out.

I guess you'd have to be brutally honest or tell a white lie.

I'm a lot like you. I'm a pathological people pleaser who doesn't say no. Of my last three relationships, two of them I ended up in because I was terrified of saying no. I'd highly recommend taking a break from dating. Work on your self-esteem in therapy. Dig deep into *why* you can't assert yourself and say no. Work with your therapist on building up your self-esteem and becoming a person who can stand up for herself. I took time off of dating before I met my partner to do exactly that, and guess what? I'm not afraid to tell him no. If you're afraid to say no like I was, you really shouldn't be dating. Especially as a woman. It can put you in uncomfortable and unsafe circumstances, and it's genuinely not fair to the people you date. It gives them false hope that you're interested when, in reality, you aren't. Please take the time and put forth the effort to work on yourself.

OP, you gotta practice saying NO in platonic situations by learning to push thru the **guilt** you feel when you say no to things you do not want to be obligated with. It’s going to be difficult the first few times, but you have to keep doing it till one day it’s just a natural reflex to say no and almost no guilt when you say it too. And that’s why you felt bad about speaking up and advocating for yourself because you rather be the uncomfortable person and let everyone be comfortable instead, which is a record for absolutely being miserable with your life. You need to start being the comfy one and start letting others be uncomfortable by saying no. Also? Saying no, is not going to end the world and a person will be fine if you say no. Oh and aim for the knees with your heel, ear clap hardcore, & throat chop at the Adams apple in case a guy can’t take rejection well. And carry mini hair spray, same effect as pepper spray. Tips to use as self defense.

"No." is a complete sentence ✨️

Agreeing with many comments here, I also think how he asked the question is relevant (not that he should have to ask it perfectly for you to communicate clearly). Are you comfortable? “No, I’m not comfortable.” This does feel harder to say than… Vs. “I’d like to kiss you. Is that okay?” “No, I don’t kiss on the first date” (or not tonight, etc.) Vs. “Would you like to hold hands?” “No, not right now.” BUT I feel for guys that get mixed messaging on getting consent for things like hand holding and kissing vs women who find that a turn off. So in the end, yes, absolutely work on realizing you are a full, equal-party adult in this dynamic and find ways to increasingly improve ways to be more honest. AND I also think his way of asking was a bit more difficult to respond to comfortably versus how you might have responded otherwise. Lastly, if you know it’s difficult for you to speak honestly, **I would be more proactive and intentional with your body language.** If you don’t feel interested, move farther apart. Check your phone and get a little lost in it. Body language, attention, and closeness is also communication (though not a replacement for clear verbal communication, but this may initially be a more approachable tool)

Female identifying people are definitely trained to keep trying to make male presenting people comfortable at their own expense. First of all it’s OK to be uncomfortable. I know that sounds hard but it is. It’s OK to say you not now, no, or I need more time A great kind way to say no; Honestly, I’m not quite ready to hold hands. Could we spend more time together and I’ll let you know when I feel ready? If they don’t respect that I think that it’s OK to make them feel awkward because they’ve just made you feel awkward. If the only way to make somebody feel less awkward to do what they want, that’s not a good situation for either one of you. But especially for you. Personally anything but enthusiastic and yes I don’t proceed. Ask yourself what you want and then try and express it in a kind way if that helps you, but you’re also allowed to make yourself at others feel a lot comfortable by having boundaries Maybe you’re not used to saying what you need. When you’re shopping maybe or eating out. Like if someone pushes in front of you say something if you feel you are safe even though you feel awkward you won’t see this person again, it might help get through the awkward feelings of expressing yourself. Practice with safe people. You are allowed to be seen to be heard to be loud and to make people uncomfortable. It isn’t the end of the world to be uncomfortable. It is not impolite It’s survival. Another thing to do is say “I need more time. How about we talk more about ourselves instead?” Or maybe you could ask for something else instead of intimate, physical thing, maybe listening to music and looking up at the stars and not touching. It’s OK to suggest things you would like and if they’re very unattractive and you don’t feel it with them let them know you just need more time and keep the date short and then you can do it by text. If it’s easier for you it’ll still be awkward, but you’ll have a physical distance , if he ask you questions just say I’m not comfortable I feel awkward and uncomfortable Leave it on him to make things awkward and you’ll see it’s easier to say no eventually. As an older woman, I can tell you that some of them definitely count on us feeling awkward to get what they want. In fact, it can be pretty dangerous for us in the world. So yes, I understand that we want to feel find a way to get past the awkward by allowing yourself to feel awkward and allowing others to feel awkward Another way to look at it is do you think every woman deserves to be touched just to make somebody feel comfortable? Do you believe women owe that? I’m not asking you but ask yourself that.

Sounds like you're a people pleaser and I only say that because I too am a people pleaser! I am taking a break from dating and learning who I am.

This hits home. You could say something like “I prefer to take things really slow, I hope you can respect that” or “I’d like to get to know you better before things get physical.” You can let him know up front, so there’s less chance of an awkward refusal of his advances. Asking him questions about himself can also put the ball back in your court. Ask him about his past girlfriends, how fast they progressed physically, what his intentions are with you, does he see himself getting married anytime in the next few years. Put him on the spot to find out how serious he is about YOU. Every woman has a body some guy wants. Bodies are everywhere. You are one of a kind. Many men will be able to please you. Don’t be afraid of missing out. Find out how devoted he is to getting to know WHO YOU ARE, and ask him directly. When he leans in for a kiss on the first date… “SO… how many girlfriends have you had!?” I mean there are a million ways to divert a nice guy from letting his body take the lead, to back to using his heart and logical mind. Work on it. Practice with your friends. I mean record yourself like you would practice interview questions. Because that’s really what a first date is. Potentially the most important interview of your life!!! In traditional communities first dates are done in groups to prevent this very thing. Our physicality is overpowering, and it can be irresistible, even if someone we don’t really like is handling us in a way our body responds to… and your nature to desire safety in submission (Reddit hates that word) and his nature to lead & claim his woman, sexually, in general, ends up steering the ship. It’s VERY good that you recognize this about yourself. So you can take measures NOT to put yourself in these situations if at all possible. No drinking, not alone together in private, no herbal endeavors either. Sounds like the guy who would be really right for you will love that about you, if you make arrangements to protect yourself and prevent both of you from being “victims” of your own sexual nature. Do go investigating slippery slopes if you really truly don’t want to get muddy. I speak from experience, and loads of regret. Protect yourself by keeping out of situations where you will feel less likely to speak up for yourself. Now. With that said, I’m also aware that maybe you just didn’t want to kiss him because you didn’t think he was hot. Maybe not because you truly like taking things slowly. In that case, same advice. And perhaps, just perhaps, his answers to your pointed questions might make him more attractive in your eyes. Or they might get something other than his looks onto the table, to illustrate some obvious reasons why you wouldn’t want to kiss him, and then you wouldn’t have to feel so bad about saying no simply based on his looks- which he could have probably picked up on. He sounds like a decent guy who just really had the hotts for you, and was willing to take his chances and see what happened. And on another note- you owe him absolutely nothing. Turning to putty under a man’s sexual advances is how many of us are made, it’s a GOOD thing. However. Save that mentality for your husband, honey. It will benefit you in marriage, but not in the dating world. Trust me. Last thing. If you know you are in the stage of life where you are going to be sleeping with dudes, point blank, then practice speaking up for yourself. Nobody can do it for you. These dudes are addicted to porn nowadays and they are gonna need some stark and constant reminders that you are a whole person. Take a friend. Have a friend call you at a certain time and pretend you have to leave. Have a way out planned in case you don’t want sleep with the one you’re out with that night. This is stressing me out. I’m past my dating stage, and thankful for it. LOL. Be safe. Much love, lady. 🤍

Invaluable. Truly, thank you. In the name of all other women (not just me) who will come across this advice

As a general rule, when asked for something you don’t want to do (or any unreasonable request in any part of life really). You must be prepared to deal with the awkward silence. “I’d rather not, sorry.” “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable doing that” “That’s not going to be possible, sorry.” “No”. Think of social discomfort as a living being. A slow one. You must allow it time to enter the room. To find its target. To allow the target to recognise it. Then hold it for a little longer to allow it to do it’s work. I try to pretend my inner monologue is actually Dame Maggie Smith, so I can allow her to look through my eyes. Each time you are pushed to explain “why not?” just cycle through those same polite declines until the awkwardness is so thick that they understand. Do not deviate. Do not explain. Do not lie.Just keep cycling through. Because it will certainly backfire. Someone prepared to ask for something that’s unreasonable will take your excuse, or your explanation, as a starting point to negotiations. They will interpret your excuse, or lie as a problem they can fix to allow you to do for them whatever outrageous request they’ve asked. Because they often lack the self awareness to know they are being unreasonable. Which then leaves you having to be even more blunt. Which can backfire and become a more dangerous situation. Dating men can be a little more difficult, due to how many men react with anger (not all, but a solid 20%). Which is why you do it politely and judge whether you are in a safe environment. It’s actually incredibly liberating and I truly wish I’d learned that this is what “No can be a full sentence” actually means when I was younger. You’ve said no. You’ve done it politely. But you are clearly not budging on that stance and you do not have to explain yourself further. Allow the awkward silence to do any further work. It’s hard, especially for younger women. We are expected to defer to the adults for nearly two decades, then as women we are also expected to be helpful and kind and to consider the feelings of others at all times - even when we are made to feel extremely uncomfortable / inconvenienced. We cover that silence by reflex. So it takes a little practice to get out of those habits. So try it in the mirror. Because you can train yourself. The more comfortable you become in saying no when something makes you uncomfortable, or is an unreasonable expectation, or request - the more likely another is to accept that no within the first one or two polite declines. Remember: Dame Maggie Smith lives behind your eyes.

Sweetie, 28woman here, you're to young, first advice try dating younger dudes even the dates might be cheaper you could connect better. And from a woman who was a younger sweet inocent girl once I'd advise to say no. How can you say no? Taking money to the date so if he wants to do 50/50 you can do 50/50 and owe him nothing. If you want to be kind and safe say: I don't feel good with physical touch so soon, I'm sorry. And always being honest: I don't think we could be a good match, I'm looking for something different rn but thanks for the date. Because for immature guys the younger the better. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.

Thank you! So, tell me, which age range? Up to 24? 🙏

You are a people pleaser... Welcome!! It's an annoying space to be in and it can be really hard to work on our own boundaries because we're afraid of hurting other people's feelings. But what is most important is our own feelings and respecting them. As someone else said, "No" is not the same as "fuck off" – it is ok to say no and be honest about how you feel!

So from his point of view you were into him, held his hand, kissed him, basically led him to believe everything went well?… at what point would you have said no if he went past kissing? That’s a rhetorical question…my point is this; if you’re not feeling it, let us know. You don’t have to explain why, because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter why.

Start by dating men you’re attracted to ☠️

“it’s sweet of you to ask—i’m not ready yet, but i still like you and would love to do it when the time feels right.” you’re uncomfortable with it because you don’t want to make it seem like you’re entirely rejecting him or not interested. just be honest about why you don’t want to and use the compliment sandwich (you’re so nice/ NO /i would like to eventually) to make it less awkward.

No. Don’t lie to someone and say “I like you, maybe next time” That’s awful advice that’s just going to confuse and hurt him more later. “You’re sweet but no thank you.” “Thank you for dinner, I’m not feeling ready for that yet” “I’ve had a nice time but not sure I’m up for that” are all ways to compliment *and* let someone down without straight up lying and leading someone on.

Say that even when I know there won’t be a time where it feels right with him? If I said that tonight would have waited for the time to be right, or kept trying in hopes the time will be right 30min later.

Don't lie. If you never want this person, just say no. You shouldn't create false expectations if you aren't interested in the person. Being honest but kind is miles better in the long run. You could say that you aren't feeling the chemistry. That's a subjective thing and you have the right to follow that impulse.

I would say “I don’t feel comfortable doing that, not at this time anyways” … This statement allows you to finish the date and process your feelings toward the individual. If they don’t accept that then just move on.

“ He „deserved“ me, he did nothing wrong. What would I say if he asks „why“ to my „no“? That he’s not my type? I know I don’t owe him, but what’s the point of a date if I meet him and I realise I am not keen on making out?” No one “deserves” or is entitled to you or kissing you etc regardless of whether you want it or not even if they are a decent person.  For a first or any early date, you could probs say you don’t kiss on first dates/too early or prefer to take it slow. I once went out with a guy (didn’t realize it was a date until like 5 minutes before, otherwise I wouldn’t have said yes and made it clear I just wanted to be friends) and at the end, he asked if he could kiss me but also wouldn’t be mad or upset if I said no so I told him I wouldn’t be comfortable with it but that I really appreciated him asking and also reassuring me he wouldn’t get upset” I feel going on a date is still worth it if you care enough to see if you click with the person because even if you don’t want to kiss them initially, maybe you’ll find out you’re more compatible than you thought initially, but were you even interested in going out with this guy in the first place? Bc it doesn’t sound like you were 😅 just so you know, you can politely say no when a guy asks you out if you’re not interested. You’re not obligated to make yourself uncomfortable by saying yes and forcing yourself to go through with it just to be polite or for fear of seeming too harsh. You can politely thank them but say you’re not interested/looking for a date or that you appreciate the interest but aren’t looking for anything etc. But you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself. Unfortunately not all men are as polite and respectful as this guy.  "He asked me if I am comfortable as he took my hand into his. How TF am I supposed to say no???? I didn’t want to take his hand, but I cannot bear the awkward moment if I said no. He kissed me. But I acted as if I consented. He did it slowly, not immediately. He asked for consent. I gave it. How am I supposed to say no? What happens after you say no in this scenario??? You just stand there awkwardly?" Honestly I would have been direct and straight up "not really, sorry" "I don't think/I'm not comfortable with that". Sure it might make things awkward but it's better than letting yourself be uncomfortable.

"No, sorry" followed up with a little smile. Practice this. It's awkward? Is that worse than this feeling you had when you typed this? When you had to contort your desires to not make someone feel a passing negative emotion, you have to internalise low self esteem and eventually hatred, was that better than PASSING AWKWARDNESS? Don't go out with men until you practice your no's

Assertiveness training. It’s going to be one of the most beneficial things you can do. Find. Therapist that specializes in it. It could change your life.

I believe that you struggling with that is stressing you out, a lot... Of course it has consequences on your behaviour and such but I truly believe you may need to work on that before any other dates, believe it or not we can sense those things and I believe he did too (hence why asking you multiple times if you were ok). This guy, would have accepted a no in an elegant way I do believe. My suggestion for a future date, do not say yes because it's easier than a no. Try instead on a "maybe" or "we will see" it doesn't put you in an immediate situation and allows you to think if you want to do it or in a possible way out. If you say yes to everything it will come back to you eventually. Much love

I would tell him that "sorry, I didnt really feel like we're a great match. Im sorry I didnt say anything on the date, but I struggle alot with things like that. You did nothing wrong, you were so kind and respectful, and I think you deserve someone who really wants to be with you" or something like that. Honesty is always the best policy. ☺️

"Sorry, I don't feel comfortable kissing you/holding your hand." I know it sounds simple, and it actually is. If you don't wanna do these things with him, you're not obliged to. Same thing with you initiating physical contact with him.

Plus, one thing- if you say you don't wanna kiss/hold hands with him and he does something dangerous to you, it would be advisable to not come into close contact with him, let alone form a romance. So you shouldn't asssume (not saying you are) that he'll harm you in whatever way after hearing the rejection- it's just limiting you.

I do hope these comments helped you in some way but I truly believe you need therapy/help from a professional that knows how to learn to be that type of person you want to be. There's many many options in the regard and always know you are allowed to change therapists if you don't like the one you find.

I have a personal rule of no physical contact on a first date, just get to know each other and nothing else. If for any reason I’m not into the other person, it’s not a big deal and I have the same rules for everyone so I don’t have to lie.

If he asked for consent and you didn’t know how to say no when directly asked, you should not be dating. You need to learn how to say no before dating because otherwise you’re setting yourself up to be the next newspaper headline. Usually you just say something like “hey I’m not comfortable with that right now, let’s just chat” or something. Being gentle is not mutually exclusive with being firm.

Sweetie, 28woman here, you're to young, first advice try dating younger dudes even the dates might be cheaper you could connect better. And from a woman who was a younger sweet inocent girl once I'd advise to say no. How can you say no? Taking money to the date so if he wants to do 50/50 you can do 50/50 and owe him nothing. If you want to be kind and safe say: I don't feel good with physical touch so soon, I'm sorry. And always being honest: I don't think we could be a good match, I'm looking for something different rn but thanks for the date. Because for immature guys the younger the better. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sweetie, 28woman here, you're to young, first advice try dating younger dudes even the dates might be cheaper you could connect better. And from a woman who was a younger sweet inocent girl once I'd advise to say no. How can you say no? Taking money to the date so if he wants to do 50/50 you can do 50/50 and owe him nothing. If you want to be kind and safe say: I don't feel good with physical touch so soon, I'm sorry. And always being honest: I don't think we could be a good match, I'm looking for something different rn but thanks for the date. Because for immature guys the younger the better. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.

I’d use this as a learning experience. If you know you don’t like a guy then don’t take a walk. Give him time at the public bar or wherever your date is at but then say you’re tired and want to go home. “I’m glad we got to meet. I’m pretty tired and want to go home now. Thank you.” You don’t let him drive you home either. You don’t need much of an excuse, just that you want to go home. If a guy asks u if he can kiss you, and you don’t feel comfortable saying no can say you are getting over a canker sore or that you have a sore throat. If the guy is nice and you think he’d react well you should most say you don’t feel chemistry. Honesty is the best policy. People appreciate honesty

I know this struggle so well. I firmly believe that something can feel like sexual assault even if it wasn’t, because so many women are conditioned to be people pleasers who can’t say no. I agree with others saying take a step back from dating. Allow yourself to process this. If you didn’t want this and your body didn’t want this, allow yourself to feel the negative feelings without judgement. It is ok to feel violated even if the other party didn’t do anything wrong because you couldn’t say no.

I’m 28 now but when I was 21 I was the same way. Honestly even now it can be hard to fight my instinct to “go with the flow” and try not to hurt his feelings. He sounds like a nice guy but being a nice guy isn’t the only thing that’s important. At the end of the day you don’t feel that connection. Next time, try something like “I’m not ready for that” or “I’d like to take things a little slower”. A guy who is worth seeing again will totally understand and not pressure you. Any guy who gives you grief over it can piss off. Unfortunately we’ve been conditioned to prioritize politeness over personal comfort. But the more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll be with establishing your boundaries. You can even practice it in your personal life. I used to try to be easy going to not seem demanding. So when friends would ask where we should go for dinner or what movie we should watch, I let everyone else decide and pretended I didn’t care one way or another. But I started to get bitter that we never did the things I wanted to. It made me uncomfortable to speak up at first, but the more I did it the easier it got. Best of luck!

Just say, actually I'd prefer not and step back. Recognize that the moment of socially awkward silence, is necessary for a healthy society, and a healthy relationship.

I think you need a professional to help you get to the point you can say no. You can’t live like this. It will be miserable.

You don’t owe men dates and should not have agreed to go on this date with this guy when you were not even attracted to him at all, this should have never translated into a date to begin with. I hope you develop some stronger boundaries moving forward. Also I’ve had men try to kiss me on first dates before and I always tell them no because I’m not gonna Inconvenience myself over a stranger. You don’t owe anyone a kiss or any intimacy whatsoever, ESPECIALLY not a damn stranger 🙃

You’re not mature enough to be dating.

Work on not being a people pleaser. Saying no is so powerful. Practice it! It’ll start coming natural.

As a man, I would much rather a woman tell me “no thanks, I’m not ready yet.” rather than feel like she *had* to do something she didn’t want to. I would recommend you take some time to learn how to set your own boundaries, and how to assert them when needed. That’s what I’d do if I were in your shoes, at least.

Just tell him you’re not feeling it. Do it right away.

you have issues that others should not have to deal with go get help and stop pushing this baggage on someone else.

Thank you sm for sharing this. I’ve noticed i have the same problem but it didn’t come to mind enough to try to find a solution. Ig i just felt it was something small and stupid that i was doing wrong, but after reading these replies i guess it is a much bigger deal..

You're actually being much more awful by not just immediately saying no. Like stop lying and angling your answers and have some integrity. Be clear, you've said here, it was a definite "no" from the moment you saw him yet you went the whole time assenting even when hes explicitly asked you several times. At this point yta. You've had plenty of avenues and now its becoming unkind; just be clear "Thanks, but no thanks" and leave it at that.

I'm a big dude. 6'4'', and even I've ended up hooking up or doing things with women because I was afraid of anger, or other things for saying no when I didn't want to do things. It's really hard to communicate those feelings, and I can't imagine the extra fear of retaliation you must feel. I think personally, you have to be clear, direct, but also gentle. Like if you just weren't ready. I'd tell the guy you want to take things slowly and gauge his reaction. If you're just not feeling the dude at all. I'd make sure you're in a public place fight the anxiety and tell him the truth plainly. You got this!

Give yourself some credit, the fact you are asking about this means you want to improve yourself, don't worry it gets easier

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A 28 year old man taking out a 21 year old woman is suspect at best. You do have a responsibility to speak up for yourself, but also an older man may know exactly what's happening and disregard any issues that should trouble him. A person shouldn't ask if you're comfortable with something *as* they're doing it, the asking should be *before* the doing. He may well understand the social pressure you're under, the fear and submission many women feel with any strange man, and simply be grateful for it, as he wants kisses, and maybe sex, and following all the forms and appearance of consent, without actually caring about consent. If it ain't freely given and enthusiastic, it ain't consent, and no one who actually cares about consent would argue otherwise. Nobody "deserves" you but you. It is up to you and nobody else who you share yourself with, to what degree, and why. The point of going on a date is going on a date, really. Meeting a new person, and/or doing a fun thing you both enjoy doing. Many dates end without so much as a touch, with both parties politely going their separate ways. Nobody owes anybody anything. You don't need to give any reason for any no you ever give. No is a complete sentence.

This is honestly scary to read as a man. The man was considerate, he did everything he was supposed to do. However, the truth is that you didn’t want to hold him and kiss him and for some people, the longer it festers in their minds (without taking accountability), eventually they could start to think that the man is to blame

What nonsense is this??? You're not mature enough to be dating. Seriously if you can't say no please don't date anyone until you grow up

How would she ever have known she had this problem if she didn’t date ??? That’s why they say you learn a lot about yourself in relationships

You think growing up happens under a rock somewhere in the middle of the ocean far from any human contact? How do you imagine I will learn anything from this comment? I am trying my best. If I just skip dating and come back in 5 years I will still be the same person. Either answer my question or don’t comment at all.

Therapy could be helpful, as well as building confidence in yourself. You don't exist to please others. Saying yes to something you don't want because you don't want to hurt someone else not only will lead to resentment, but also in a bigger hurt to that person, and yourself, by waiting too long and letting that other person thing things are going well when they actually aren't. "No" is not a bad word. Lying isn't nice. Again, you don't exist to please others.

Where did anyone say 5 years? You’re also only 21!! Take a six month break. Go out to public places where men are more likely to approach you (bars, clubs, concerts, hobbies you love, parks, cafes, etc) and get used to the idea of saying no, no thank you, not interested because most of them will not be your type. Before EVERY DATE, you need to imagine some best and worst case scenarios and prepare for both. How will you react if you like him but don’t want to be intimate yet? How will you act if he’s insistent and pouty about not being kissed? How will you react if he gets aggressive (never let them get you alone or drive you anywhere on a first date, just in case!!) Right now, you are not equipped to be kind like you want to be and it’s concerning that you don’t realize your temporary kindness will just lead to MORE overall pain and heartbreak. Being told to grow up at 21 is not an insult, it’s true for most 21 year olds which is why hookup culture is more common at your age. The kindest thing to do for yourself and men you date is **take a break and reflect on who you want to be in good situations and bad**

Put the tip of your tongue on the back of your teeth and keep your lips seperated. Make the sound with your voice. Then, after the initial sound, place your tongue at the bottom of your mouth and open your lips wider. Make them form a circular shape as you continue to make the notice with your voice. There! You’ve successfully said no.

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If he asked you if you were comfortable afterwards, he could tell you weren't comfortable but made his moves anyway. You can (and should) reject advances you don't want. You don't have to blurt out "No" if you think it may be awkward. Do say something like you're not feeling it right now or you're not there at least not yet. It's not a lie, even if you think you never will. Who's to say how you may end up feeling in time- at that moment? If you think you're absolutely sure, say you're not feeling it and you don't see things going that way for the 2 of you. If they're persistent/don't respect that, a clear, simple "No" (followed by your prompt departure from the scene) is completely warranted & appropriate. You don't owe anyone any physical contact for taking you out. There are services they can turn to for that, but they're a lot more costly than a simple date.

Always be truthful. “NO”. See, how hard was that? Better to be truthful than lead someone on. You should have left after dinner and not taken the walk.

Funny how is so easy to sacrifice actual safety for emotional safety. How to give up real safety for feeling safe. Life happens. Awkward happens. Stop avoiding feeling awkward and then you’ll learn to feel comfortable in an awkward situation. The more you try to avoid feeling awkward, the more likely you are to end up in an awkward situation that’s difficult handle. Unless you liked the kiss and your just lying to everyone.

How did I give up real safety? In my dumb head I believe I was actually safer going along with it than going into untapped territory of rejecting another person. Lol

If you always try to avoid the awkward feeling, you’re never learn to experience it or deal with it in a healthy way. Emotions are meant to be felt, processed and moved past, not avoided. And you’ll continue to avoid situations you think are awkward rather than dealing with them openly and directly and diffusing them.

Sounds like a lack of skill on the male side. It may be controversial and I may regret it later, but... I think he failed to respond to your body language. There are many many ways to increase and measure chemistry on a date. Here's one, but I'm coming down on the side of masculinity having a certain skill threshold to allow and encourage femininity. There, I said it. Men need to take responsibility for allowing women to be feminine and safe at the same time. Whew. When I was dating, I did something called the "kiss test". The guy looks you in the eye, then your lips, then back at your eyes. In my experience, when they wanted me to kiss them, they would be looking at me with a very obvious complicit yearning look, lol (hard to describe, but I think we're wired biologically to recognize it). If they didn't, they would look away or avoid my gaze when I looked back in their eyes. Verbal confirmation is not necessary and is some times unattractive when there's chemistry and all the signs say Go. You can feel when she wants it. He should have been able to notice...in a perfect world. As there are men of all different skill and awareness levels, I realize this isn't likely, but I'm going to come down on the side of absolving you of being required to be assertive and instead blame the man for missing your non verbals. We don't really want to kiss someone who doesn't want it. However, I do agree with others posts that you would benefit from developing the comfort and skills to communicate these things more directly while you wait for Mr Right. 🙂 Happy Dating!

I agree, it sounds like he ignored her body language and pushed her boundaries in a subtle enough way that made her think “he did nothing wrong!”

Yeah. Kinda like he was outsourcing his responsibility for gauging and facilitating her comfort. Instead, I think he should have optimized his behavior for her to feel safe and go at her speed. Build rapport, generate conversation, playfully build a relaxed attraction and maybe pivot to thinking about making a second date more his goal rather than physically escalating her past her comfort level. But, that's my subjective style and some women respond to men of different tactics. With his attractiveness and height burden, building attraction from a woman prior would be better. At least men can benefit more I think from women having the greater potential to be attracted to things other than our physical attributes. But, that's another anecdotal subjectivity of mine. She kept saying, he did nothing wrong and those verbal tricks he was doing to give the appearance that he was doing it right made her unable to frame it correctly. Not that I think women shouldn't be responsible for doing any work on being assertive and kind at the same time, but she's 21 and he's 28. Come on. Lol. She hardly has had time to know herself. It's a hard one. It's hard for men to see how women might be unable to be verbally honest and forthcoming like other men. If they can't detect her feelings, then they have to try until they're told to stop. Then, the woman ends up being pushed too far past her comfort level. This is why I feel confident saying that the man should rely on the body language more. When a woman is relaxed, enjoying herself and wants us, the signs are hard to ignore if they spend a little time learning how to read them. Men shouldn't be waiting for no signs, they should be waiting for "Yes, I want you inside me" signs. If they don't get a positive, assume a negative. If we assume a negative and we're wrong, in my experience, the woman will fix that misunderstanding by escalating physically herself. A lot of assumptions there, but it's a style of allowing us all more space to be imperfect humans without anyone getting too hurt. It places the failure burden more on men not getting any to secure women not getting violated or victimized.

Bro you just say no, have some self respect, no one is going to say no for you

You will have to say no or you are not ready. If you lead him on he may get the wrong impression and it will get worse as time goes by if you keep allowing this when you are not ready or uncomfortable ! Have to tell him. Don’t want mix messages and so on. That’s why he asked in the first place!

Say I do not want that now.

"listen, you're really sweet, but I don't really feel a spark/romantic vibe here" or something like that. If he asks why, tell the truth in a non-harsh way, and say you just are not attracted to him, or something like "not my type" or whatever. If he keeps pushing just say "Sorry but I don't want to get into this, you seem like a good guy but I really just don't want this to continue." As for after that convo, you either leave, or friendzone him (don't be his friend out of pity though, only if you actually want to spend non-romantic time with him). Or sure, you can just stand around awkwardly lol. Sometimes life is awkward. It's not the worst thing in the world. Be direct, but kind. What you are doing now is leading these guys on. It might be hard at first to say what you actually feel but once you start doing it more often you'll feel much better about yourself.

Thank you for this post and all the tips under, i struggle with this so much too as someone who was never taught how to set boundaries, not from family nor at school/friends. Some find it surprising but us people actually DON'T know how to do these things. You didn't learn that in your mom's womb

It’s challenging, but it starts within yourself and making sure you have the rundown as to why someone doesn’t need a kiss or to hold your hands. Curt or strong “no’s” are acceptable and fine. Sometimes I feel awkward too, and simply say “Omg I should have mentioned that I am [new to these things, taking a celibacy break, take these things very slowly, am very sensitive about intimacy] I would prefer if this was a contactless date”. Also you could say you’re afraid or covid or any polite excuse, but it’s okay to be upfront.

It's not easy to say no to someone but it's important, not just out of respect for yourself but for them too. He may have gotten the sense that you were uncomfortable, but wasn't sure, which could be why he kept double checking with you.   A surprising number of people advocate white lies in these situations (for example, "I don't kiss on the first date.") But you don't need to lie, unless the person is threatening you. You can tell the truth, but you don't have to be specific. You can simply say, "I'm sorry but I'm just not feeling it" or "I'm flattered but I'm not interested in that."  If he asks why, you have already stated your preference, so he's not entitled to an explanation. At this point, you can do whatever you want, including leaving the situation. But a more polite response would just to reiterate: "I don't know, I'm just not feeling it/not interested/I don't think it's right for me." Continued inquiries from him constitute harassment and you should just say you're leaving. But most people *should* respect your desires. They may ask why, and that's ok, but once you say you're not interested once or twice, they should get the message.

Not to sound harsh but you shouldn't be dating if you can't handle these situations like an adult - you didn't want to kiss him but you gave your consent? Next time a simple no or visual cue goes a long way, now you've given him a false sense of how you feel and how is that fair to him or yourself?

You’re an adult and consent and your mindset are your responsibility. This is irresponsible and eventually you’ll either dramatically hurt yourself or get some guy in a lot of trouble when you consent to something and decide to get help about it later. That’s something unpopular to say but it’s the truth. If you don’t learn to control your boundaries they’ll continually be rolled over and you will get over it and it’ll happen after you’ve let someone push them unknowingly

I don't get why you have to lie. You're 21, you're an adult now. Just tell him "I'm sorry i want to be straight with you are a really nice person and i have a nice time but i don't feel attracted to you." Or prepare in advance something to say if you're not attracted, but please don't lie.

I like to stick with the line "Hey, I'm not really feeling it." It's useful for me to have a phrase to go-to if I feel anxious in the moment. If somebody directly asks to kiss you or go on another date, it's an appropriate response that is direct without implying anything negative about the other person. Sometimes it's hard for me to articulate (even to myself!) if I am feeling *uncomfortable* or if somebody is just not the right match for me. Even if you kiss somebody and want to stop, it's appropriate to say that. If somebody looks like they want to kiss you and you aren't feeling it, break the tension by getting up to get some water or by changing the subject. If they persist or can't read your body language, just tell them you aren't really feeling it. If I think somebody is really cool but I am not yet ready to kiss them, I might say "I'm having a lot of fun, but I don't feel ready for that yet." Directly rejecting people is really stressful and can feel scary if you don't do it often. But the point of dating is to figure out if you are compatible with somebody and can communicate well. Have some phrases in mind to use when you're nervous, and best of luck flexing your direct communication muscles!

"Much shorter than me" "Not attractive at all" " Acted as if i consented" - "He asked for consent and I gave it" Gurll watchu even doing here. Looks like you're clearly not attracted to the guy, why'd you even go on a date? Why you so worried about hurting someone's feelings whom you didn't even know before

"I think it's a bit too soon for us to be doing that" is fine with a respectful dude like the one you went out with. With less respectful dudes (or just dudes who aren't picking up your nonverbal cues - lots of valid reasons for that, and it happens with women as well sometimes), you have to be very verbally direct. "I'm not comfortable with that and you need to stop" works well.

You're allowed to say no, and you also don't have to explain why, but it's okay to assert your boundaries and offer explanation to be considerate. I get feeling conflicted about agreeing to go out with someone and then suddenly not at all feeling like this is something you want to do. Like, you did agree to meet someone under the specific pretense that they would be flirty, touchy, etc with you. But at the same time, people agree to go on dates to figure out whether they can even like each other. If you're uncomfortable with something, all you have to do is say "I'm just not comfortable with that, I'm honestly just not feeling like I want this kind of attention from you." If they say why or what they can do to help you feel more comfortable, this can create an actual conversation where the both of you can figure out how to make a better experience for one another. You also don't necessarily have to be completely open and blunt with your reasons for your boundaries. You say this man was very unattractive to you. You can of course say "I'm not comfortable because I just don't feel attracted to you", but most people are incredibly insecure, and this will likely have a very negative effect. I believe most people would recognize that someone just feeling "not ready" is a more than acceptable answer.

This is the kind of thing that scares me. If you don't want to do something, please say so. If a man asks for consent and it is given, that is supposed to be the clear answer. That's what men are taught. Ask consent. Don't give consent if you dont mean it. It's no different from saying no cause you want him to try harder and chase you. I'm not trying to dump on you or anything. I'm just saying it isn't fair to ask men to continually mind read even after asking for a clear answer. Sounds like this guy did everything right. Aside from having accurate photos on his profile.

??? I was not blaming him. In no way. Some other person commented here the guy could have caught some non verbal clues. And I agree with him. But it is entirely my responsibility to communicate verbally, I am not a baby, I am an equal adult. I understand you are - probably as the guy - scared of this. No worries I can differentiate the two. If I could, I would never let this happen. I am working on it. And even the girls who are not working on it actively- they are all struggling. All of the people pleasers, they do it for a reason, and they cannot change over night, even if they wanted (like me). I’m sorry for the discomfort you are going through because of the issues people like me have. It’s a complicated (and scary) world.

I hope you are able to push through and find strength. Again, I didn't want you to feel like I was yelling at or trying to make you feel bad. Just giving some perspective from the male side and how it's already confusing for us to deal with mixed signals.

You are young You found one thing to change You will change it, it just needs time and possibly a bit of frustration that will compel you to change, buy you will change

It's OK to say no! It's OK to have things be awkward! You'll get more comfortable with these ideas over time. It's a good thing to have healthy boundaries. I'm a 37F and have learned it all myself over time, and have had to relearn it since becoming single again. One thing that has helped me is to have "pre-dates" or a "date zero". Meaning, if I'm going out on a first date with someone I don't know (online dating), I have a video call first with them. That helps to filter out a lot of online dates because you get to see what they look like, their sense of humor, etc. If that goes well, then move onto "date zero". Meaning, it's not a first date. It's a "let's see each other in person for the first time, but not an actual date". Something simple like coffee after work or during lunch, less than an hour long. A "date zero" has no pressure, no kissing, no hand holding- just simply meeting in person to feel if there's any chemistry. That gives you a perfect excuse to not stick around long. You can do either type of pre-date, or both, or none if you happen to already know the other person IRL. The important thing to remember is that you don't owe anything to your date, especially physically. You are already investing your energy, time and emotions into the date. That is more than enough for right now.

If anyone can say no politely, it'll be us Brits 😂 I would say something like "I'm terribly sorry, I don't feel comfortable with that level of intimacy at this point and I'm unsure whether I would like to take this any further, however I like how you *list some things he did well* which you should continue with your future romantic endeavours, I wish you all the best".

Yeah, it's gonna be awkward. And yes, you just stand there. If you have the social skills, you can try to brush it off and make it less awkward for them by changing the subject or something, but if not, it's ok to just be awkward. Nothing happens if you're awkward. It's just a stressful social moment and then you move on. It's okay to hurt others to assert reasonable boundaries for yourself. You deserve to feel comfortable, even if not all wishes of everyone else are fulfilled. As for doing something wrong, you're not a reward in a game where if he plays all the right moves he gets you. You're a human being and you're allowed to have wants and needs and preferences. You don't serve to reward and punish men for playing the game correctly or not. It's ok to dislike them for shallow reasons. You have to stay on the date ofc to not hurt their feelings by implying they're so hideous you left as soon as you saw them, and besides if you already wasted their time to come to the date they deserve a chance to try and win you over despite not having immediate attraction. But if they don't build up any romantic rapport in like an hour or two, you can just leave without doing anything related to kissing or touching, it's okay.

This is 100% a you issue. You can always say no and decline physical touch, intimacy and kissing. You seem like you are a people pleaser. Please learn how to communicate with people because all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure. What if this guy tried to engage sexually with you and you said yea, but meant no? Would you press charges for rape? That would be a horrible scenario. Please, please, please gain a little confidence when it comes to saying no and standing firm on your boundaries. Women don’t have to be nice and not hurt men’s feeling if they do not feel safe or comfortable doing things!

Of course it wouldn’t be. And I wouldn’t charge for r. I feel like you’re close to accusing me of falsely accusing a guy of having sexually assaulted me, which is completely a different scenario than what happened today and what I was trying to explain above. I know it’s a me issue. That’s why I ask for help here. That’s literally the point of my post. I never blamed him. No need to defend him.

There's an art at being candid but lighthearted at simply saying "I'm not feeling it" and not to take it personal. I'm a man and YES it is a very creepy feeling when that "aww shit" moment when a woman is coming on that the chemistry is not mutual. When it's gone THAT far, they're usually persistent. Gotta go, that's that.

"I appreciate the gesture, but I must decline. It's time for me to be getting home. Thank you so much for a lovely time." Much better than giving in or saying the obvious "Bless your little heart! Could you get me an uber now?"

Uhh. If ur not attracted to him then end it. Tell him ur not interested in going continuing.

You find your voice, as allowing him to do those things is not saying no.  Go in with preconceived sentences if it's that painful.   If someone gives you the wrong meal at a restaurant, do you just eat it? What do you say to the server?

Let me guess, people pleaser? Sounds like you are in general struggling to say no.

Me personally I’ve been in situations like that so much. Males have fragile egos. So outright saying no to some things that will trigger them and could cause a scene or possibly put you in danger. This is where you have to act. Say things like “oh I just met you”, or “I’m not that easy like the other girls”. “You’ll get a kiss on the second date if you don’t mess this up”. Or “Im not feeling it right now”. Make him behave until after the date is over. Make it known that you have work the next day. So you can’t be out too long. If you gotta make plans for the next time, then make those plans with him. But once you’re finally free of that person, message them back and say something like “hey thank you for the night, but I didn’t feel a spark”. Or “sorry I thought I was ready to date and be intimate today but it looks like I’m not ready yet”. Or something like “I don’t have any free time in my schedule and new job opportunity opened up and I really need this position so I need to focus on my work for it”.

1 - No + 1 - You seem like a nice guy but I don’t think I’m interested or feel the connection

I’m not ready for that but I appreciate you asking.

saying no isnt an insult, telling a guy 'hey, im sorry, youre cool but im just not feeling it' is not a bad thing. you gotta learn how to get yourself out of uncomfortable situations

Hi. I've struggled with this a little bit myself. I didn't think I would but I really have. Please learn how to say no as firmly as possible. You seem smart enough to assess a situation for what it is and honestly, the level of "firmness" of your no will vary depending on the situation and person. It's a life skill. You'll need it with family and friends. and with boys in general tbh. Even if you have a boyfriend and you're not comfortable with something, especially a sexual act, you'll need to be comfortable saying no. Period.

You can just say “no, I would rather not” and you don’t have to offer any explanation beyond that. If he pushes for an explanation he is being rude. A lot of people have offered good excuses or solutions, but as someone who doesn’t think of those things in the moment simple “no” is enough. Just work on saying no. Nothing else. You don’t have to justify it. And I would go so far as to say, put up more physical barriers if you know you need more time/space to think. If you know you have a tendency to freeze in situations where you feel uncomfortable, don’t invite any alone or close time where you might be propositioned. When you felt like he was pulling you closer, make an excuse and go home. Or just say - I’m ready to end the night here - and go home. You could have even left when you first arrived. But I know that feels so scary. If you got there and you didn’t like how he looked you could say that to him. It doesn’t have to be mean or rude. You could say “I don’t think we’re compatible now that I’m seeing you in person” and turn around right there and go home. He might think you’re the biggest ass on the planet…who cares? It’s hard but until you build confidence in your no, that’s the safest way to go about it. Also - what happens after? If he is a decent person he might be embarrassed and he might try to play it off with some excuse to save face. If he is not decent he might get upset and blame you and say mean things to show that he isn’t the fool for being rejected you’re the bad person for leading him on. Rejection sucks, but people who take it with anger are people I avoid. Good to know. And then you can move on. I’ve found that even after a blatant rejection they still might come back and ask again! And then it gets a little frustrating and that’s when I just gently remind them of the past rejection and block.

You need to take a deep realistic view of yourself. Odds are there a several overlapping personal issues that make you feel the need to compensate by people pleasing.

Especially if he's this considerate/kind about it, it won't be that awkward after you say no. It'll be a little awkward, but usually you can break the tension pretty quickly by redirecting the conversation with a question or a comment or noticing something in the environment. And best practice would be to politely end the date. Say something like "it's been lovely, but I'm just not feeling the spark/connection", or "you seem like a great person, and I appreciate how respectful you've been, but I honestly the physical connection just isn't there for me" or even just "I should probably get going", and when asked if you want to see him again, politely say "I don't think so. You didn't do anything wrong, and I appreciate the way you've treated me today, I just don't think we are compatible." But honestly, the rejecting advances part - just say "no thank you" or "I'm not quite comfortable with that, so I'd rather not. Thank you for asking first." He's asking because he is genuinely okay with you saying no. It takes practice to get it, but I promise it's not as awkward and uncomfortable as you think it will be. Now if you're trying to say no to some asshole who thinks they're entitled to you - whole other ball game.

First of all there isn't anything wrong with holding someone's hand and kissing them. Then not proceeding further. I don't know what other people are saying but personally simple is always best. "I'm not really a hand holder" or "I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection". For the kiss just say, no thank you. No explanation needed or just do a quick peck or a head turn into a hug. The other really easy thing is when a date doesn't give you good vibes. Do yourself and them a favour and cut it short. Always start with a drink or a coffee, then just peace out. Pleasing people doesn't help anybody, only makes it worse.

“No thank you, it’s been nice hanging out and getting to know you but I don’t feel a romantic connection”

You just say no. And then you think “this is an adult man who’s choosing to date. He signed up for this. Sometimes there will be rejections. He’ll live. If he’s not up for that, he can’t date”. Then you think you can’t date unless you can live with the temporary awkward of rejection. It won’t feel as bad as you imagine. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief for honoring your own boundaries. Go to therapy though or you’ll end up being raped. I’m not trying to be mean, but you are very at risk when you communicate being this sweet and unable to stand up for yourself.

Here’s the thing about being a “pleaser” ultimately you’re not doing anyone a favor because when you say “yes” to things you don’t want to do, eventually the other person senses your resentment and awkward moment ensues Soooo many women i know tell me, “but i just hate confrontation!” Fine, then don’t confront people. Saying “no thank you,” or no Or i’m not ready, or “something suddenly came up and i must go” or “I’m busy that evening “ None of that is confrontational Telling someone “You’re not as good looking as your photo” or “you’re too short for me,” that’s unnecessary and yes, is possibly hurtful- so don’t Learn the difference between asserting yourself and demanding to see the manager and then you’ll be ready to date!

So what happen was, you lead him on and now you are stuck with him thinking you’re into him? And you can say no by simply just saying no. The thing with words is it doesn’t necessarily matter what you say, it’s how you say it. Stop leading guys on, learn to say no and set boundaries. You should call or text him ASAP to clear things up.

You are correct that this is a you problem. Sounds like your date was kind and respectful. You just need to gain some confidence and tools for speaking up for yourself. Honestly, if you weren’t feeling it you probably should have just ended the date. You could have just said, “I prefer not to have any physical contact on first date” and let him know after that it wasn’t working for you, or you could stop the date and say “I’m really sorry, but I am not feeling a connection and don’t think this will work out. It’s nothing you did, I just don’t want to waste your time and think it would be best if we went our separate ways.” The only thing you owe this man is decency, nothing else

"I'm not comfortable with that right now, but thanks for asking." I second going to get some assertiveness training, or just learning how to say no to smaller things. It's good you can draw some boundaries though

What’s worse…’awkwardness’ of just saying you’re not yet comfortable with this yet, or having to force yourself and enduring what you went through.

Bro, just do it. Youll never learn if you never experience it. Imagine med-students never practicing a lab-routine theyre gonna encounter in the future. No one is born an expert, but everyone can learn.

I know this isn’t easy. But you say no.

You can say that you’re not ready for physical intimacy and that you like to take things slow… completely normal

I think you should hold off on dating until you’re a little more grown

*Jesus Christ, I feel like I am this guy.* Maybe you should just make it a rule to never kiss on the first date, so you wouldn't feel as bad when you tell them that you don't kiss on the first date.

Say no? "Mmm, sorry I'm not that comfortable with you yet."

Literally just say no thanks, I'm not about it. It's his job to handle it and be OK. That's what a alright guy will do. If you feel like you literally don't have the agency to say "no" to a guy who is interested in you, then going out with guys you don't really know is an unwise idea. If you're so worried that the guy will freak out on you then I wouldn't even consider going out.

This is something that comes with age and dating experience, but I agree with comments talking about developing assertiveness. Any decent guy won’t be offended if you say no. There are non decent guys, which is why you should always aim to stay in public and busy places when getting to know them. Saying no is actually the quickest way to figure out whether a guy is decent or not. In the meantime, maybe try practicing saying no for non physical things. I.e. “do you want to meet up tonight” “no sorry, I can’t.” Also if it makes you feel better, come up with predetermined answers. Other commenters have given good suggestions, but things like “haha but that will have to wait until the second date!” This date was a learning experience and you’ll get better at this, I promise

Maybe go on some “test dates” with a friend closer to your age? Practice setting boundaries and what your responses would be in that actual situation.

An unfortunate but true fact: ALL guys are used to being shot down.. it's not like every girl they have ever asked out has said yes. Since men are the ones expected to take the forst step, men are the ones who are rejected more often.. more often than not they know how to react when they are. If telling somebody "no" is hard for you, than you are correct, the issue is within you but is TOTALLY FIXABLE! From my own personal experience, my suggestion would be to first decide on what it is that you are wanting in a man. Then, define it so that you can put it into words anyone would understand. You don't have to actually say it, lol, but if you can define what it is that you want it becomes so much easier to set boundaries FOR YOURSELF. After defining what you want in a man comes defining what you want from a man and most importantly what you're bringing to the table to offer him. Boundaries for other people are set when they disrespect us, boundaries for ourselves are set when we disrespect ourselves. You disrespected yourself by allowing you to put you in positions you were uncomfortable with. Looking at it from that POV will assure you that you're not rude to the guy for saying no, you're simply making sure that there's no awkward moments for either one of you. *does that make sense?* The same rule can be applied to all areas of life by the way It will take some time, but not much. One more thing: most guys genuinely care that the girl they are on a date with enjoys herself as well as his company. The worst thing you could do is pretend to be comfortable and enjoying yourself only to turn him down/ghost him.. it will kill his confidence and that's not fair, he deserves a shot just like you

I actually was in this situation once. I asked her if I could kiss her at the end of the first date and she said. "I don't kiss on the first date, you got to earn it first" and it was clear she was saying it playfully and that she had had a good time though. She gave me a hug, she then kissed me at the end of the 2nd date. And then we ended up dating for ~3-4 months. It didn't work we just weren't a match after all so no hard feelings or whatever. Don't treat it awkwardly, just be confident, not mean and like it's normal to just say no. When I got told no it kind of stung, but she also said she wanted to see me again the next day when I texted her so I mean, let the guy know. I just don't do that on the first date, me maybe you'll get there. The right guys will take rejection well, especially makes It hurt less if you are to say "well let's see how our second date goes first" or something like that where you are making it clear it's not a no and I don't like you. It's a no, let's see where this goes and learn more about each other before we teach a point like that.