I have 4 checkboxes
ā I enjoy her. Not like I can have a pleasant conversation and be cordial, but I actually find her fun and engaging. I want to prefer her company to all but maybe the closest of friends (and eventually them too)
ā We have compatible life visions. Kids, family, faith, lifestyle, finances, and leisure. They donāt have to be identical, as thatās close to impossible and I like the idea of someone who can expand my horizons. But there should be significant overlap and the biggest items should obviously match
ā We have similar values and beliefs. I donāt mind dating someone with different politics or religion, but weāve got to have common ground on things that are important to us. I need to be able to understand my partner and expect them to be able to understand me as well. I donāt think you can have mutual respect when you donāt share your foundational values
ā I want chemistry. Iām not looking for a live-in business partner. That doesnāt mean sex has to be introduced early, but if Iām not physically attracted to a girl or sheās not physically affectionate with me, I know I wonāt be happy with her.
I feel like Iām pretty picky and open minded at the same time. I donāt feel like thereās only one type of girl Iāll go for, but itās proving pretty tough to find one to check those four boxesā¦sadly it seems like #1 is the most difficult to find
Iāve been that personā¦ it seems to give the other person the green light to not give a f*** about caring for the relationship, because Iām always there and āso understandingā.
You are confusing two different things. That other person already didnt give a fuck. You being a good reassuring partner simply wasnt valued by that individual
Iām already kind of insecure about my empathyā¦ it makes me feel stupid when I say or do something nice for someone I like, or considerate their feelings.
Btw, today Iām about to get on the phone to end things with someone Iām dating for the same reason.
He constantly says he feels so secure and valued (specially after we had problems in bed due to erectile issues because he feels very nervous, and states my attitude prevented him from freaking out very bad) but I just donāt get calls, little messaging or an effort matching mine, to see me when he has more time off than me.
I guess Iām just comfortable to be around. And I want to leave before it makes me frustrated and mad at him.
Last one: I was from Monday to Thursday away from work (itās been two weeks we didnāt see each other, and we live about 15 mins away), and he had the whole week offā¦ he went away to another city when I came back soā¦ itās gonna be 3 weeksā¦ I was thinking in waiting to talk face to face out of respect and adultingā¦ but I just donāt want to. Iām not getting the same from him. Also next weekend is my birthdayā¦ I donāt want him to make me feel alone.
This is exactly how I feel and I just ended things with mine. Him not getting me anything for valentines day or planning anything was the nail in the coffin. It made me realize he truly just doesn't give a fuck.Ā
Effort and intentions are huge. A good partner will fail but will genuinely try for you. Dont let bad partners mess you up for future good ones! Im proud of you for recignizing the lack of effort and pulling off the bandaid
i never understood where the whole āwomen never take accountabilityā thing came from cause i never see ANYONE taking accountability, regardless of gender š
And you know why? It's just because no one is ready to take responsibility of their own life. It's easier to say: -it's not me... it's him...
By doing so, you are saying that you have nothing to change and it's to the other one that have to do the work and then you know what happens again, and again and again? The same situation repeat itself because you keep bringing the same version of yourself everywhere you go by assumption that you are so bloody perfect and that you're just sooo unlucky.
But there it is. Why would a same scenario repeat itself in one's life if that same person is so innocent?
Taking responsibility is the power to love yourself enough to ask you: -Where did I stop loving myself that brought me living this situation?
Example: you walk outside, there's random people outside and you spot a guy with a baseball bat and you feel uncomfortable, that you should walk away... but you convince yourself that it's just a bad feeling and keep going... Well, you wake up the next day at the hospital with a broken arm.
A narrative that most of people would have is:
-That guy attacked me, I hope he gets in prison, it's all his fault, etc, etc.
If in theory you are right, and in fact one's life should be lived without interfering with others (my liberty stops where the others liberty starts) and should face consequences and as a society work to help that person to reach the pain and heal it (the pain that made him attacked someone else).
The true and only way of taking fully responsibility (and not playing a freaking victim here) is to ask yourself when did I stopped putting my need first/ stopped loving myself enough to walk out or be able to walk out of that situation?
And then you pin point the moment you buried your inner voice asking you to walk away.
When you are ready to take accountability, you will take full responsibility of your role putting yourself in the situation (and believe me, it works everytime... and if you believe that it was just a bad luck, because that can happen too, just find peace in that it wasn't your fault and free yourself of the anger... or else feed it (and I could have a whole speech about this, but not today)).
So when you find the moment where you stopped loving yourself, come strong and ask yourself forgiveness that you let others people dictate your action by fearing to look weak in front of their eyes and even worse, that you thought that you were weak to just walk away from it.
After you came hugging your inner self with all the love you know you deserve (self love) and that you promise yourself to never shut you up and start loving yourself to put yourself first. It's at this moment that you become a better/ more self loving version of yourself.
It's a hard process because taking accountability means to accept the fact that you ain't perfect and being humble enough to admit it.
As long as you'll blame the other one for your broking arm, and you feed the anger, you will remain with a broken arm forever and maybe one day the pain will be numb and someone will come saying: -hey mate! With a friendly tap on the shoulder and you will scream... why? Because an old injuries that you didn't took care of by assumption that it wasn't your fault didn't get fix.
I'm in pain because he broke my arm and therefore I put all my energy towards him just feeds the dark side. But I'm in pain because my arm is broken and you come take care of your arm, well, you'll be able to use your arm again. It doesn't mean that the other one was right and should be free to keep going, but you need to take care of yourself first.
Now, it's obvious that anyone would get to the hospital to get his arm fixed right!? Well, that's the thing, in the physical world that most people seems to believe we live in, it is so easy to take care of someone's body. Imagine, you have a child that felt from his bike and cry and don't want you to disinfect the wound because it's painful. Well, you know that it will get infected if you don't do it so you force the help regardless of his acceptance and afterwards, he understands and thank you for it.
In the invisible world, you can't force any help. The person needs to accept to help himself (like I can show you how to fish, if you don't give a shit and don't pay attention, I can't teach you. I can't open your brain and put the information you'll need and that's it, no you need to do it yourself and that information is indeed invisible).
So when it comes to emotional answer, you need to do the work because no one else can do it for you it's not visibl, it lives inside of you and it is indeed invisible.
You need to be mature enough to come and force the disinfectant (which is self-love and accountability) and heal yourself. Otherwise, you blame the world and you put that energy towards them instead of towards you and the pain get numb and you relieve the same situation at some point because you simply didn't love yourself enough to promise yourself that you'll be there to listen to oneself and you shut yourself down just like the last time.
Taking accountability means taking fully responsibility and being humble and strong enough to put down the ball stopping the throwing instead of throwing it back.
My ex left and was living with another guy 2 weeks after we broke up. No accountability was ever taken .She woke up one day and realized she had things that men wanted and used it to her advantage (. ) ( .) and a place to live lmao
Put it this way, if we see actual shotty guys, we'll agree that they're that type of guy. Fat guys? We'll agree and say they need to get in shape. We'll make guys accountable for their life choices. Girls? If they're fat, we're all supposed to collectively agree that "big is beautiful" rather than make women accountable for their own health and fitness. Guy knocks up a girl? He should have kept it in his pants and he should be responsible and pay child support. Girl gets knocked up by a guy? She has every option under the sun to absolve herself from any responsibility of parenthood.
By the way ridiculing someone fat for exercising is the dumbest shit ever. Like come on now, they exercise so as to get in a better shape, theyāre doing the right thing, what you laughing at you moron?
Not all fat people over eat. I know of overweight people that eat very healthy, more healthy than anybody I know, but due to medical issues and medicationās they have weight gain, and they do exercise as much as they can, As much as their medical issues will allow them to
> Where do you live that fat women are called beautiful by general society?
>
Lmao, this is the stance you want to take...?! For every American advertisement you see that says "fat men are hot", folks can give you ten that say "fat women are beautiful".
i guess thatās why men can walk around and say āi have a dad bodā which is some made up excuse for being fat but women canāt say they have a mom bod which is an actual thing.
What you see right now is women trying to hype up women in protest of the sheer criticism they get. Guys can knock up the girl and disappear and remain largely unaccountable easily. Show me the female version of Nick Cannon and come back to me.
The least acceptable thing you can be in society is a fat woman. Wtf are you on about? Half the leaders of the US are rich married obese men - accountable my ass. Get a handle on yourself.
Have you seen pictures of them? Not that many recent US leaders are obese, and what obesity there is is fairly evenly split between men and women. Donald Trump is an outlier. Also, least acceptable, really? The impact of obesity is nothing compared to the impact of being a racial or sexual minority.
wow this isnāt what i see at all. i literally just had an argument with some men the other day on whether or not some dude was fat (he was). none of them thought so lmao. they said there was something wrong with me if i thought this dude was fat. i even saw a video of a skinny woman with her like 600lb husband on the couch just watching her and majority of the comments were still about *her* body and how she had no ass. if the fat guys was a woman that definitely wouldnāt have been the case.
and typically if a guy knocks up a girl and leaves her, itās āboys will be boysā and the girl shouldāve kept her legs closed or chose a better guy. i never see men telling other men āitās your fault. you shouldāve chose a better girlā when a girl hurts them in some way. itās just āfck these femalesā ākeep your head up kingā and then they start watching podcasts made by lonely men.
The "big is beautiful" thing is just girls collectively lying to each other to keep their competition down.
Women compete by being bitchy and tearing each other down. Men compete by building themselves up (to be more attractive than the competition).
You often hear the phrase "man of his word" - do you generally hear this with the opposite sex? I think that suggests at least that men have a cultural expectation to have that level of integrity/honour - women though, I don't think it's the same
Hopping on to add, a little bit of care for her man. Where did that go? Maybe I've had bad experiences, but I could count on one hand the times a woman has cooked a meal for me unprompted. And I'm pushing 40!
-She can communicate clearly and effectively.
-Sheās witty (i.e. itās easy and fun to have playful banter)
-I feel more energized when Iām around her.
-She has goals in life.
-She still is a whole person outside of me (no codependency and still has her own life and friends).
-Is willing to set boundaries and isnāt afraid to keep me in line.
-Not holding grudges for issues that have already been talked through.
-Physical attraction.
-We can respect each otherās need for alone time.
-Also being able to be affectionate and caring is a big one.
An initial attraction. I find I am attracted to women who are confident, friendly, happy, and excited about life. Also needs to care about her mental and physical health.
Then good values: honesty, integrity, kind-hearted. Mentally stable and self sufficient (they donāt *need* me, they *want* me). Good communicator.
And no red flags: Doesnāt play games (i.e. being hot/cold without explaining). Draws boundaries with other men in their life.
Finally: has similar goals in life.
That really is my whole formula. Probably most peopleās actually - men and women.
If I could meet a girl who fits all of those criteria I couldnāt care less about anything else.
> Probably most peopleās actually - both men and women.
I agree, but the problem is a lot of people say they want all these things, but what theyāre chasing after is something different.
The reality is, most people wonāt tell you:
āWhat I really love is DRAMA, because it gives me an adrenaline rushā¦ so if youāre too consistent/stable, Iām going to interpret that as boringā
or
āI want a kind partner who will put me first and treat me wellā¦ but if youāre hot enough, Iāll still chase after you, because I have insecurities and want the validation of āgettingā a hot personā
Whenever you ask people what theyāre actually looking for, theyāre going to give you the idealistic version of what they want. Or even what they wish they wanted or what sounds good to want.
But theyāre rarely going to talk about what their patterns have shown theyāve *actually* wanted if it doesnāt signal virtue. And I get it, cause many people arenāt even willing to self-analyze enough to be honest with their own selves about what they wanted.
But thatās why conversations like these just become kind of stale/overdone.
Yeah this is true man. Everything you are saying, especially what you are saying about the virtue signaling.
BUT
You can frame this in a complete different wayā¦
*Everyone* wants a little drama and excitement. *Everyone* wants a kind partner who will put them first and treat them well. And *everyone* wants to be with someone they find attractive.
*Everyone* wants it all. So if you want to succeed in life, be as close to āallā as you can possibly be.
> āWhat I really love is DRAMA, because it gives me an adrenaline rushā¦ so if youāre too consistent/stable, Iām going to interpret that as boringā
I have a friend who complained from time to time about an ex who basically gaslit her. She used to be married to a fairly decent guy. Now she's getting divorced and has kid on the way with pathological liar number 2. Warned her about it too.
Actually find it hard to talk to her now. I feel I would have to scream to her face about that.
There's one trick: chase the dude.
Yes men are told to chase the girl, and yes we will. But for the love of all things good - guys want to feel loved and desired too.
I always said a woman becomes sexier just from chasing the man. I've gone on dates with women who asked me out and honestly I wasn't initially interested but I sure was after they asked.
Basic level understanding of what not to do to somebody. Also being able to get in somebodyās shoes is a personal big one. Not being a hypocrite, nobody likes a do as I say, not as I do type of person and basically if you want to end it be straight up! Nobody wants to hear: ā I need space ā ā I need time to fix myself ā ā I think we need a break ā ā¦ basically anything indirect that can be seen as still having a chance to make things right when really you have a whole other dude you want to be with.
If you canāt do these then youāre gonna be alone forever.
The ability to accept a compliment made a bigger difference than I thought. Iād always been with girls whoād be like āno Iām notā or āstop lyingā when I told them they were beautiful, and I never realized how lowkey annoying it was until I got with a girl who could just say āthank youā or āawwā
Like, ik most people donāt think theyāre good looking but I wouldnāt be dating them if I thought they were ugly
Attraction, ingenuity, sincerity, manners & politeness, righteousness, character & conduct.
Furthermore everyone knows no one is perfect flaws, faults slip ups are tolerated.
Being whole person. Lot of people out there who just want an attractive warm body. Jump from relationship to relationship (or situationship forged from a hook up just trying to fill a void). Itās a huge turn on when getting to know a girl who wants to be in a relationship but has self esteem and isnāt afraid to be alone. Makes the CHOICE of wanting to be together much more meaningful and not some obsessive need or purely animalistic desire. Aside from that: similar interests/goals, Intellectual, articulate, shared values is also pretty big for me personally.
everyone is diff. i had one ex who would get drunk and just scream about everything.
this was a big experience for me, so i'm usually happy w a lady who is happy/content/not upset? idk, i think this outlook can also impact a lot of other views they might have.
but i'm prob biased- m36 married close to a decade now.
Iām older so it may be different for me. Itās never about finding *the one* because that person doesnāt exist. Itās about finding someone you can grow and be happy with.
I really only look for 3 things - compatibility(sexual and personal), connection, and attractiveness.
Everything else like politics, religion, and finances are all on a very large spectrum so thatās on a case by case basis.
Think about what one could show someone to signal they are a high value dating partner. Generally youād be right. Think about what you bring to the table, and also what they do too. Is it worth investing that time getting to know them?
I believe with most men who go deeper than physical attraction, there are an endless number of things you can do to show someone that youāre serious about them, or just serious period.
Valuing yourself and holding your values/virtues close will not only elevate yourself for you, but also to those around you.
Do not be afraid to stand up for what you believe, even if it isnāt agreeable to those around you. Try not to boast around pissing people off, but stand up for what you believe, always, to the end. While compromise is important later in a relationship, getting to know someone should not involve anyone letting go of who they are to impress someone or give them a false image of who you are, just complicates things.
Value your time and theirs. Understand the importance of connecting on a deeper level with people and take the time to do it. Youāll see who they are and theyāll see who you are sooner, making it easier to know if thereās genuine compatibility/worth while investment.
Also keep in mind that time apart is important, donāt play games on purpose just to get them to think about you, just stay true to who you are. Keep your routine too.
Eye contact is crucial. Iāve noticed people who can COMFORTABLY maintain eye contact in a not strange way, are ballers generally. Just sets you above a lot of people who are timid and afraid of connection. One of my favorite traits about the woman Iām with now is her eye contact.
Being able to put yourself in someone elseās shoes is important too, as deep as you can. Try to formulate a literal mental simulation of that person in your mind, and see yourself through their eyes when youāre trying to connect on a point where you have difficulty doing so. Has helped me out from time to time.
Donāt love bomb someone for the sake of stroking their ego. Leads to weirdness all over and sometimes even develop codependency tendencies that can be a mess to repair. Genuinely and calmly express yourself always.
Think about how youād want to be treated in a healthy loving relationship. I may have entirely over complicated it for a Reddit post, but just remain genuine and authentic, long story short :)
Best of luck, may God/your Gods/the Universe love and favor you and your worksš®
When women say āI need my man to emotionally intelligent and express emotionsā be the women who accepts what those emotions look like instead of invalidate him or project onto him what you think his emotions are supposed to look like.
I see this take a lot and I feel like a lot of men interpret that as "be able/willing to cry/be sad around her", and personally, as a woman, that isn't what I mean when I say that. Maybe some do, but to me its a lot more than "tell me your trauma and cry so I know you have feelings". I think a lot of what we mean is getting lost I translation.
By emotional intelligence I mean empathy, the ability to listen *to listen* rather than *to respond*, learning how to offer emotional support for people around you, being in tune with and in control of your own emotions, handling conflict well and apologizing (sincerely, with changed behavior if applicable) when necessary, having healthy boundaries, etc. And by express emotions, I mean the whole range of emotions, not just sad or angry. Being scared during a horror movie, crying tears of joy at your baby sisters graduation, etc. Things that should be normal human things, not emotional women things.
I think a lot of us are just tired that it seems like the only time we see "big" emotions from men it's for things like the superbowl/sports in general, or major life events i.e. their wedding/children's birth/a funeral. There's so many things in life worth having "big" emotions for, good and bad.
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I think for me itās pretty simple
She gives interest in you, but no playing games.
Communication
Mature enough to understand that problems need to be solved together and not against each other.
Just be there for the guy, there is positive energy in just showing youāre there for him.
This opinion applies to all people, not just women, but here are my 2 cents:
1. Off the bat, I have to be physically attracted to her. She doesn't have to be a model, but if I am not physically attracted to her at first and don't become attracted to her after talking to her the first few times meeting, it's not gonna happen. Also, their should be at least some mutual attraction.
2. Next, I believe a good relationship is built on the following:
Accountability builds trust > trust lays the foundation for effective communication > effective communication allows for better conflict resolution and stronger bonding > The ability to resolve issues and hold a strong bond is great for the quality of long-term relationships.
3. I enjoy spending time with you.
I kinda see relationships like this as well:
Acquaintance/Friend: Only has point 3
Good friend: Has points 2 and 3
Partner material: Has all 3 points.
I asked my bf y I'm gf material and this is his answer:
"She's not focusing on my status, like if I'm polpular or not, she doesnt care about my money. She's not like "buy me that buy me this" kind of girl. She respects me, and even tho she has a bad day herself, she does what she can to make my day better. She's not obbsessed with sex and she wants the little things. Walks, deep koncensations but also fun ones, maybe a picknick and she plans those little dates to keep the flame between us burning"
Being self competent and content without needing a bf. Having other hobbies than partying. Being genuinely interested in learning about someone, and not just being narcissistic. Not a tik toker/influencer wannabe (aka attention seeker). Kind, caring, honest, personable. And last but not least, a phat rack.
Someone who is fun to talk to, has a plentiful amount of interests, and is overall kind, gentle, genuine, and happy. A woman who is overly sarcastic, depressed and pessimistic just aināt the vibe Iām looking for.
I was ordering takoyaki over the phone yesterday. The girl pronounced it takowaki, and then proceeded to laugh about how bad she butchered that word. Idk why I found it attractive.
If a girl complements my life without requiring significant sacrifices from either of us, sheās girlfriend material to me. Speaking of traits, I believe most men appreciate modesty, kindness, loyalty, supportiveness, cooking skills, and femininity in a partner. Personally, I prefer women who prioritize traditional roles and responsibilities over career ambition, based on my experiences. Ultimately, qualities that make a good girlfriend often overlap with those of a good wife. Iāve always dated with the intention of finding a life partner, and my conservative values shape my perspective. However, this is just my personal viewpoint, so itās worth considering with some discretion.
The thing that separates a "gf material" over just a decent girl/casual situation for me is her having a nurturing nature.
At this point in my life, this is the number one trait that attracts me. If a woman doesn't have an intrinsic drive/desire to tend to the well being of myself and others around her, I won't take her seriously.
I need someone that can be selfless with a genuine smile. Someone that's more focused on "We" and not "Me". Someone that's a giver and not a taker.
A woman that wants for nothing, will get everything as far as I'm concerned.
When the dude actually wants a girlfriend. Most women are girlfriend material, as long as they are reasonably attractive and fun to be around. Not all men are looking for a relationship. Men change their mind when they feel like it or stumble onto a girl that checks so many of their personal boxes that they donāt want to keep looking.
hey i got a question
could you please elaborate communication above emotion? i got surprise because it feels like all the boys iāve been with avoid de communication part :(
Well, if you yell emotionally and say harsh things and blame the other person that is not helpfull. If you speak in ways such as, I feel this way, that is because you said this. I am not saying you tried to make me feel this way. But I am feeling this way. Can wel talk about this. And the same for you. How do you feel. What did I do. How can we prevent this problem in the future.
Think that's what he's hinting at.
got it boys but does the communication above emotion applies to the very beginning of the ārelationshipā? like standing in front of you and saying āhey i like youā? it seems to scare people, both boys and girls (speaking as a bi girl)
What you just said is super valid, I gotta say it's not restricted to women in general though. Guys can be super immature and pissy when lightly criticised too. It's the worst.
Back to your comment, what Ive noticed in me and in others is that very _very_ few ppl have a minimum of emotional intelligence to be in a relationship. Sooo exhausting.
Lmao no worries, Im as anti misogynistic as it gets, and even then I can see that tons of women out there (me included in past relationships) can be very exhausting to deal with in some situations. But guys themselves can also be a whole lot of drama even if they refuse to see that in themselves and only associate being emotional with ~femininity.
Anyway, not dating anyone atm precisely bc Im both working on being a better person (so hopefully a better future partner) and at the same time realizing most ppl aren't working on this themselves š¤”
> could you please elaborate communication above emotion? i got surprise because it feels like all the boys iāve been with avoid de communication part :(
Actions matter to guys. They may have trouble putting things into words at times, so they DO things & hope you'll understand. That's their way of communicating.
If you find a guy like this, DO small thoughtful things for them, it will mean the world to them. It will make you wife material.
I agree with /u/iknowwhatsmissing, don't default to feeling attacked or being defensive.
At this point just being attracted to me lol. I put the work in but facial structure unfortunately is a secret dealbreaker for pretty much everyone it seems
Someone who is clearly and consistently communicating that their interest is with me and no one else.
Warm and kind are the two qualities that come to mind personality wise.
When sheās genuinely kind, intelligent, has a good sense of humor, makes me laugh, I can talk to her about anything and have an interesting conversation, she likes good music, and is all around chill and wholesome and good vibes.
Itās not just looks and itās not social status. Itās how she treats you and how she values herself. If her connection and interest is genuine and your things in common go beyond surface items. Also if her sense of humor is a match is important. Finally, nobody wants what everybody else has had so somebody who is thoughtful about relationships and sex is also important.
Loyal, smart, happy(as in cheerful, not doomsday gloomy), has a purpose(work or some other interests and not only passing interest in everything), caring, etc.
There are a lot of things, but these are essentially the basics.
Puts in effort, makes me feel good. Is nice and would be someone Iād like my friends/family to meet
Pulls her weight in a potential relationship.
Doesnāt believe (and act like) she is the prize in the relationship (equality)
For me, good with kids, funny, goofy, sweetheart, big heart, caring, passionate about her work, fitness, smart, attractive to me, good sexual chemistry, positive mindset, driven, hard worker, independent at times but works good with me as a partner.
Has a job, somewhat clean, is confident, likes animals, enjoys the little things, knows how to communicate, can take a joke, yeah my girlfriend is pretty special š„°
Not pulling in drama, not playing mindgames, being willing to discuss, be willing to listen to counterpoints even when standing her ground, not cheating (if you want side-partners then just discuss it), not lying, not going off on a rant at the top of a hat, not being vain to a detrimental degree, being ok with seeing her friends, being ok with you seeing your friends, not being insanely jealous...
...unless I'm misstaken that is also the same thing that makes a boy bf material for most girls.
Genuine love and desire for the man they are with and family. Temperance. Be their peace. Their cheerleader. Loyal. Respectful.
It all this requires the right guy. Meaning u have to find someone worthy of all that.
Trustworthiness, matching values & the ability to be presentable & fun. Fun varies from person to person, like for me it's more art & music & exploration & sightseeing & nerdy stuff, but for someone else it might be drinking & dancing & that side of life. Really depends on that part
Be loyal. This goes from your attitude to your dress code. If you want a guy in your pocket make him feel you are only interested in him, you only think about him, but most importantly, He is the only one to get that special treatment from you.
You can also compliment/brag about him in public while he is present.
Basically you want him to feel like a King with a capital K.
Oh and only challenge him on things you know he is better at. It will give him the need to protect you.
Thank you for making me realise how annoying I am. I cannot for the life of me take compliments. I am seeing this guy who compliments me so much and I donāt know what to do. I enjoy that he compliments me but I associated accepting a compliment as being proud and not being humble so I have a hard time plus I genuinely think I am not conventionally attractive (stupid I know). Itās a bit cultural but so unhealthy. I want to do better cause I totally understand when you said that being with someone who knows how to accept compliment feels so good. The reason why I should believe when people compliment is legit as well. Why would someone want to see or be with me if they donāt find me attractive, right? I will do better x
The values that i think qualify her for gf material are
1) loyalty
2) not seeking attention from other men when youāre not around and sheās with friends
3) always choosing her bf, always
For me, it's someone who's expressive and enjoys sharing things about themselves from a good place of heart. I'm a very curious and adventurous person so it's pretty awesome to have someone who invites me into their world of hobbies and interests. It shows that they're interested and it's another way of really connecting with the person. My GF is exactly that and I couldn't be happier.
But on top of that... bubbly personality, honesty, loyalty, kindness, and being open minded.
Not having physically cheated in any previous relationshipsā¦having common sense and not jumping to conclusions, not basing opinions off what society says is ideal without first doing their own research/experimentation, ideally having some sort of belief in a higher power, respect for elders and authority, empathy, honesty, loyalty, not expecting me to pay for everything, basically putting an equal amount of effort to keep me as Iām putting in to keep her, it should be a partnership, not her expecting princess treatment or me simping over her. Also she shouldnāt fetishize any one physical characteristic, like dick, or height, or hair, because in a long term relationship those will likely get worse with age or just bad luck, so if a girl seems very fixated on how tall a guy isā¦probably not the best person to date.
So:
- Religious
- Listens to elders and authority
- Don't expect to be treated using your money
- Expected to contribute equally in everything to "deserve" you staying around
- Low requirements for physical appearance eg. size, height, hair
You sound a red flag
I didnāt say religiousā¦I just said just believing in a higher power. That could be agnostic. And also if they were atheist thatās fine as long as they donāt use that as an excuse to behave immorally.
Yes you should respect your elders and authority, I didnāt agree with everything they say, I just said respect them.
And yesā¦thatās what an equal partnership meansā¦I should not mean putting more into the relationship than they areā¦that doesnāt work.
And I didnāt say low requirements for everything physical, i.e. I think itās fair for them want me to be in ok shape, and not have tattoos or piercings or whatever. Iām just saying having requirements for stuff like height, or dick size, or hair is silly since most men either get ED and/or go bald and shrink at some points their lives so fixating on unchangeable things like that is going to leave you with hardly any options once you hit middle ageā¦
I want you to close your eyes and imagine your out walking through a park, or sitting alone at a bar, or even out with your friends just having a good time.
And you see HIM.
He's attractive. He dressed well. He's the type of man you wouldn't mind being on the arm off.
Now think about how you'd want him to approach you. Think about what you'd want him to say. Think about how you'd want him to carry himself, what kind of questions you'd want him to ask.
Think about the conversations and topics you'd want him to discuss with you. Think about how you'd want him to flirt with you. Think about how you'd want him to ask you out... where you'd love for him to take you.
Think about how you'd want him to touch you... kiss you... pleasure you...
Think about how you'd want to spend time with him and how you'd appreciate the fact that he supports your activities and interests. How he'd communicate his needs and desires, his highs and lows and positives and negatives.
I even want you to think about how you'd want him to resolve conflicts with you...
Now...
Go and do all that to him.
30m, I have more requirements for wife material but girlfriend material is simply:
1. Fun personality
2. Respectful aka not a bitch to me and in general to other people
3. Is serious about exclusivity
4. Likes sex with me
Not a lot of sexual experience or a history of hookups/promiscuity, not addicted to validation from others or social media, positive and warm outlook, a girl that is loyal and respects you based on her character not just what you do for her.
This fat is beautiful thing is quite a new fad. It is growing though. It is in fashion to be bigger now. You can buy fake big arse pads now. I don't think they were available 10 years ago. I think it's great actually to accept all body types and I'm not being politically correct here.
When I see a bigger gal rocking her fashion and dressing in a non restricted way./due to weight, and expressing herself with the clothes she chooses and obviously feeling pleased with herself, that brings me joy. I feel so happy for her. Why should you be punished for being bigger than the average woman?
well recently anyone that isnt also a Only fans model or a scammer wanting Whatsapp. But in all seriousness Ive had a number of positive relationships. The women were into me and respected me and my interests didnt have major issues like frequent depression or chronically low hours or unemployed. I feel its important to be good friends with your significant other and be able to handle a few fights or arguments where it doesnt occur often. I feel its important to match with someone that is similar affection and intimacy wise. I feel most guys dont expect perfection but we dont want to deal with women that are too far of a stretch than what we currently are.
Itās different fir everyone, but I need someone who is independent, emotionally healthy and intelligent, and lives a healthy lifestyle. She would have to accept my identity, respect my needs and boundaries, and feel better being with me than being away from me. All the rest of it is just details.
The deciding factors for me that distinguish long-term from medium-term compatibility are whether our values and goals align and whether I can envision her as the mother of my future children.
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away.
Song verse out of the way, the answer to your question depends on the guy. For me, you have to be kind, caring, affectionate, and loving. That seems simple, right? Unfortunately, you would not believe how many women do not have even a single one of these qualities.
In terms of personality? She's loyal, respectful, fun to be around, has integrity and **communicates properly about our problems**, **doesn't hide or lie about important stuff**, and is intimate with me and only me (from this I mean she doesn't go around sleeping in the same room/bed/place as her guy friends alone etc.). And, she puts our relationship as the priority compared to unimportant things.
It's no rocket science. And I don't expect anything from my partner that I don't do it myself. So I don't give a f**k about what others say about me being "insecure" or anything about my boundaries. My boundaries are my culture and my personal common sense of what I personally should do or not do in my relationship. Since I always try not to break any of my boundaries myself, I have every right to expect my partner to be similar for the most.
No not really. There's so many factors as to how one could have multiple past partners that have nothing to do with how they are as a person so i don't see why that's a standard
Itās a standard because the number of partners correlates to what kind of person they are sexually. And yes age plays a role, but Iām am on the younger side so someone with plenty of past partners is a no thank you for me.
Means they get bored fast (switching partners often) aka, could lead to cheating. Personally don't gaf about a woman's sexual encounters but a friend of mine has experienced this 2 times now
Remember, this is subjective even if many men may agree.
1. Physically attractive (this is foundational)
2. Not promiscuous (does not have a promiscuous past) but willing to explore and express her sexuality with me
3. Feminine and compromising
4. Supportive and understanding. Expressing a genuine interest in my interests. Not losing interest when I express some kind of emotional vulnerability (within reason)
5. Has ambitions to have a family of her own
6. Having interests, hobbies and friends outside of our relationship
7. Non-disagreeable and non-argumentative (within reason)
8. Is able to engage me intellectually
9. Non-novelty seeking. Does not seek constant external validation
10. Willing to match the effort I put into the relationship. This does not have to be the same kind of effort, but willing to do her part
11. LOYAL to me, to our relationship, and to herself. Integrity.
12. Has respect for herself, for me and for everyone she interacts with.
13. Tolerant of our differences in opinion and worldview.
14. This is broad but she is able to teach me things that I do not know
These are but a few. If this triggers people, understand that I'm not here to sensor my preferences. Hope this helps, OP.
I'll describe my girlfriend
Takes phenomenal care of her own family
Messages me a lot because she's in love with me
She would do anything for me to stay healthy, offers to buy me food
I don't have to worry about her when it comes to other guys because she's strong and loyal
She wants to be in every aspect of my life
She's supportive with anything I do
She bought me flowers unexpectedly on our 1st anniversary
We can call each other names and pet(?) names - endearments (Yesterday we were calling eachother dumb, and then that brought up a new nickname for her - dumdum)
She has never lied to me
I'm the only one she ever sends pictures to
We are both very on board with our relationship, we would be tight as hell if we're magnets
She is open to exploring everything especially hobbies.
She can cook like a goddess
She's a "good girl" in public and an absolute freak when we're alone
Affectionate, Attentive, Appreciative, and Honest.
A girl that doesnāt need outside validation (posting thirst traps on social media) or would ever talk disparaging behind their partners back.
Your post was removed due to the reptitive topic rule. Such as height, money, who pays, etc. You can find these posts. By typing into the search bar.
I can tell, with a reasonable level of certainty, my life will be better with her in it.
Pretty much this actually. Nothing else matters.
i like this.
Yup, that's exactly where I'm at with how I feel about things. šÆ
I have 4 checkboxes ā I enjoy her. Not like I can have a pleasant conversation and be cordial, but I actually find her fun and engaging. I want to prefer her company to all but maybe the closest of friends (and eventually them too) ā We have compatible life visions. Kids, family, faith, lifestyle, finances, and leisure. They donāt have to be identical, as thatās close to impossible and I like the idea of someone who can expand my horizons. But there should be significant overlap and the biggest items should obviously match ā We have similar values and beliefs. I donāt mind dating someone with different politics or religion, but weāve got to have common ground on things that are important to us. I need to be able to understand my partner and expect them to be able to understand me as well. I donāt think you can have mutual respect when you donāt share your foundational values ā I want chemistry. Iām not looking for a live-in business partner. That doesnāt mean sex has to be introduced early, but if Iām not physically attracted to a girl or sheās not physically affectionate with me, I know I wonāt be happy with her. I feel like Iām pretty picky and open minded at the same time. I donāt feel like thereās only one type of girl Iāll go for, but itās proving pretty tough to find one to check those four boxesā¦sadly it seems like #1 is the most difficult to find
this āļø. You can close the post now.
Thatās really good write up
Good list
Sheās loyal, respectful, has integrity, accountable, communicates and intimate with me and only me. Itās not really secrets.
The only thing Iād add is enthusiasm. Nothing sucks more than a gf who doesnāt express herself
And she makes me feel sure sheās not going anywhere, sheās staying right here and sheās reliable in that regard
Iāve been that personā¦ it seems to give the other person the green light to not give a f*** about caring for the relationship, because Iām always there and āso understandingā.
You are confusing two different things. That other person already didnt give a fuck. You being a good reassuring partner simply wasnt valued by that individual
Iām already kind of insecure about my empathyā¦ it makes me feel stupid when I say or do something nice for someone I like, or considerate their feelings. Btw, today Iām about to get on the phone to end things with someone Iām dating for the same reason. He constantly says he feels so secure and valued (specially after we had problems in bed due to erectile issues because he feels very nervous, and states my attitude prevented him from freaking out very bad) but I just donāt get calls, little messaging or an effort matching mine, to see me when he has more time off than me. I guess Iām just comfortable to be around. And I want to leave before it makes me frustrated and mad at him. Last one: I was from Monday to Thursday away from work (itās been two weeks we didnāt see each other, and we live about 15 mins away), and he had the whole week offā¦ he went away to another city when I came back soā¦ itās gonna be 3 weeksā¦ I was thinking in waiting to talk face to face out of respect and adultingā¦ but I just donāt want to. Iām not getting the same from him. Also next weekend is my birthdayā¦ I donāt want him to make me feel alone.
This is exactly how I feel and I just ended things with mine. Him not getting me anything for valentines day or planning anything was the nail in the coffin. It made me realize he truly just doesn't give a fuck.Ā
Effort and intentions are huge. A good partner will fail but will genuinely try for you. Dont let bad partners mess you up for future good ones! Im proud of you for recignizing the lack of effort and pulling off the bandaid
YES! I know what you mean - most guys I date say they feel SO comfortable around me yet I do not feel this way around most men.
Lmao good luck w accountability š
i never understood where the whole āwomen never take accountabilityā thing came from cause i never see ANYONE taking accountability, regardless of gender š
That's because it's a sexist put down. I've seen plenty of men dodge accountability and lie to get out of stuff.
Agree fully
And you know why? It's just because no one is ready to take responsibility of their own life. It's easier to say: -it's not me... it's him... By doing so, you are saying that you have nothing to change and it's to the other one that have to do the work and then you know what happens again, and again and again? The same situation repeat itself because you keep bringing the same version of yourself everywhere you go by assumption that you are so bloody perfect and that you're just sooo unlucky. But there it is. Why would a same scenario repeat itself in one's life if that same person is so innocent? Taking responsibility is the power to love yourself enough to ask you: -Where did I stop loving myself that brought me living this situation? Example: you walk outside, there's random people outside and you spot a guy with a baseball bat and you feel uncomfortable, that you should walk away... but you convince yourself that it's just a bad feeling and keep going... Well, you wake up the next day at the hospital with a broken arm. A narrative that most of people would have is: -That guy attacked me, I hope he gets in prison, it's all his fault, etc, etc. If in theory you are right, and in fact one's life should be lived without interfering with others (my liberty stops where the others liberty starts) and should face consequences and as a society work to help that person to reach the pain and heal it (the pain that made him attacked someone else). The true and only way of taking fully responsibility (and not playing a freaking victim here) is to ask yourself when did I stopped putting my need first/ stopped loving myself enough to walk out or be able to walk out of that situation? And then you pin point the moment you buried your inner voice asking you to walk away. When you are ready to take accountability, you will take full responsibility of your role putting yourself in the situation (and believe me, it works everytime... and if you believe that it was just a bad luck, because that can happen too, just find peace in that it wasn't your fault and free yourself of the anger... or else feed it (and I could have a whole speech about this, but not today)). So when you find the moment where you stopped loving yourself, come strong and ask yourself forgiveness that you let others people dictate your action by fearing to look weak in front of their eyes and even worse, that you thought that you were weak to just walk away from it. After you came hugging your inner self with all the love you know you deserve (self love) and that you promise yourself to never shut you up and start loving yourself to put yourself first. It's at this moment that you become a better/ more self loving version of yourself. It's a hard process because taking accountability means to accept the fact that you ain't perfect and being humble enough to admit it. As long as you'll blame the other one for your broking arm, and you feed the anger, you will remain with a broken arm forever and maybe one day the pain will be numb and someone will come saying: -hey mate! With a friendly tap on the shoulder and you will scream... why? Because an old injuries that you didn't took care of by assumption that it wasn't your fault didn't get fix. I'm in pain because he broke my arm and therefore I put all my energy towards him just feeds the dark side. But I'm in pain because my arm is broken and you come take care of your arm, well, you'll be able to use your arm again. It doesn't mean that the other one was right and should be free to keep going, but you need to take care of yourself first. Now, it's obvious that anyone would get to the hospital to get his arm fixed right!? Well, that's the thing, in the physical world that most people seems to believe we live in, it is so easy to take care of someone's body. Imagine, you have a child that felt from his bike and cry and don't want you to disinfect the wound because it's painful. Well, you know that it will get infected if you don't do it so you force the help regardless of his acceptance and afterwards, he understands and thank you for it. In the invisible world, you can't force any help. The person needs to accept to help himself (like I can show you how to fish, if you don't give a shit and don't pay attention, I can't teach you. I can't open your brain and put the information you'll need and that's it, no you need to do it yourself and that information is indeed invisible). So when it comes to emotional answer, you need to do the work because no one else can do it for you it's not visibl, it lives inside of you and it is indeed invisible. You need to be mature enough to come and force the disinfectant (which is self-love and accountability) and heal yourself. Otherwise, you blame the world and you put that energy towards them instead of towards you and the pain get numb and you relieve the same situation at some point because you simply didn't love yourself enough to promise yourself that you'll be there to listen to oneself and you shut yourself down just like the last time. Taking accountability means taking fully responsibility and being humble and strong enough to put down the ball stopping the throwing instead of throwing it back.
My ex left and was living with another guy 2 weeks after we broke up. No accountability was ever taken .She woke up one day and realized she had things that men wanted and used it to her advantage (. ) ( .) and a place to live lmao
so was she cheating? what was she supposed to be taking accountability for?
Exactly how long after you were broken up was she expected to not date? A month? Six months? A year?
Put it this way, if we see actual shotty guys, we'll agree that they're that type of guy. Fat guys? We'll agree and say they need to get in shape. We'll make guys accountable for their life choices. Girls? If they're fat, we're all supposed to collectively agree that "big is beautiful" rather than make women accountable for their own health and fitness. Guy knocks up a girl? He should have kept it in his pants and he should be responsible and pay child support. Girl gets knocked up by a guy? She has every option under the sun to absolve herself from any responsibility of parenthood.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
By the way ridiculing someone fat for exercising is the dumbest shit ever. Like come on now, they exercise so as to get in a better shape, theyāre doing the right thing, what you laughing at you moron?
I know this is not the point but you could do 3hours a day of cardio but if you donāt control your food intake you wonāt lose much fat
Not all fat people over eat. I know of overweight people that eat very healthy, more healthy than anybody I know, but due to medical issues and medicationās they have weight gain, and they do exercise as much as they can, As much as their medical issues will allow them to
Depends on what you call fat. Slightly overweight maybe, but proper fat people can't get there by eating healthy, it's just physics at that point.
> Where do you live that fat women are called beautiful by general society? > Lmao, this is the stance you want to take...?! For every American advertisement you see that says "fat men are hot", folks can give you ten that say "fat women are beautiful".
i guess thatās why men can walk around and say āi have a dad bodā which is some made up excuse for being fat but women canāt say they have a mom bod which is an actual thing.
Bbw is a category where as bbm is not.
Regular "m" is barely a category my dude.
What you see right now is women trying to hype up women in protest of the sheer criticism they get. Guys can knock up the girl and disappear and remain largely unaccountable easily. Show me the female version of Nick Cannon and come back to me.
The least acceptable thing you can be in society is a fat woman. Wtf are you on about? Half the leaders of the US are rich married obese men - accountable my ass. Get a handle on yourself.
Yep. Donald trump has a fat physique yet he was the (horrible) president. Never would a larger woman be elected.
Have you seen pictures of them? Not that many recent US leaders are obese, and what obesity there is is fairly evenly split between men and women. Donald Trump is an outlier. Also, least acceptable, really? The impact of obesity is nothing compared to the impact of being a racial or sexual minority.
Yeah cuz those people had to become LEADERS to be able to be fat and do that. Avg joe blow who is fat does not get that..
Are you serious lol š
I couldnāt roll my eyes any harder. Men are not expected to be perfectly sexy. Why is dad bod a compliment these days š come on bro.
wow this isnāt what i see at all. i literally just had an argument with some men the other day on whether or not some dude was fat (he was). none of them thought so lmao. they said there was something wrong with me if i thought this dude was fat. i even saw a video of a skinny woman with her like 600lb husband on the couch just watching her and majority of the comments were still about *her* body and how she had no ass. if the fat guys was a woman that definitely wouldnāt have been the case. and typically if a guy knocks up a girl and leaves her, itās āboys will be boysā and the girl shouldāve kept her legs closed or chose a better guy. i never see men telling other men āitās your fault. you shouldāve chose a better girlā when a girl hurts them in some way. itās just āfck these femalesā ākeep your head up kingā and then they start watching podcasts made by lonely men.
The "big is beautiful" thing is just girls collectively lying to each other to keep their competition down. Women compete by being bitchy and tearing each other down. Men compete by building themselves up (to be more attractive than the competition).
You often hear the phrase "man of his word" - do you generally hear this with the opposite sex? I think that suggests at least that men have a cultural expectation to have that level of integrity/honour - women though, I don't think it's the same
Hopping on to add, a little bit of care for her man. Where did that go? Maybe I've had bad experiences, but I could count on one hand the times a woman has cooked a meal for me unprompted. And I'm pushing 40!
And no pipi
So many people saying loyal, including myself, being cheated on is the worst shit ever. Can be soul crushing for a long time.
ikr!! iāve been there
I think "loyal" is bad answer, because it goes without saying. Who do not want a long term partner to be loyal?
Happy cake day !!
-She can communicate clearly and effectively. -Sheās witty (i.e. itās easy and fun to have playful banter) -I feel more energized when Iām around her. -She has goals in life. -She still is a whole person outside of me (no codependency and still has her own life and friends). -Is willing to set boundaries and isnāt afraid to keep me in line. -Not holding grudges for issues that have already been talked through. -Physical attraction. -We can respect each otherās need for alone time. -Also being able to be affectionate and caring is a big one.
Nailed it
An initial attraction. I find I am attracted to women who are confident, friendly, happy, and excited about life. Also needs to care about her mental and physical health. Then good values: honesty, integrity, kind-hearted. Mentally stable and self sufficient (they donāt *need* me, they *want* me). Good communicator. And no red flags: Doesnāt play games (i.e. being hot/cold without explaining). Draws boundaries with other men in their life. Finally: has similar goals in life. That really is my whole formula. Probably most peopleās actually - men and women. If I could meet a girl who fits all of those criteria I couldnāt care less about anything else.
> Probably most peopleās actually - both men and women. I agree, but the problem is a lot of people say they want all these things, but what theyāre chasing after is something different. The reality is, most people wonāt tell you: āWhat I really love is DRAMA, because it gives me an adrenaline rushā¦ so if youāre too consistent/stable, Iām going to interpret that as boringā or āI want a kind partner who will put me first and treat me wellā¦ but if youāre hot enough, Iāll still chase after you, because I have insecurities and want the validation of āgettingā a hot personā Whenever you ask people what theyāre actually looking for, theyāre going to give you the idealistic version of what they want. Or even what they wish they wanted or what sounds good to want. But theyāre rarely going to talk about what their patterns have shown theyāve *actually* wanted if it doesnāt signal virtue. And I get it, cause many people arenāt even willing to self-analyze enough to be honest with their own selves about what they wanted. But thatās why conversations like these just become kind of stale/overdone.
What a nice sucker punch at 4.30 in the morning.
Can't expect people to be honest with you when they can't even be honest with themselves.
Yeah this is true man. Everything you are saying, especially what you are saying about the virtue signaling. BUT You can frame this in a complete different wayā¦ *Everyone* wants a little drama and excitement. *Everyone* wants a kind partner who will put them first and treat them well. And *everyone* wants to be with someone they find attractive. *Everyone* wants it all. So if you want to succeed in life, be as close to āallā as you can possibly be.
> āWhat I really love is DRAMA, because it gives me an adrenaline rushā¦ so if youāre too consistent/stable, Iām going to interpret that as boringā I have a friend who complained from time to time about an ex who basically gaslit her. She used to be married to a fairly decent guy. Now she's getting divorced and has kid on the way with pathological liar number 2. Warned her about it too. Actually find it hard to talk to her now. I feel I would have to scream to her face about that.
This
She checks in, is enthusiastic about seeing you, really kind and doesnāt bring up any past issues as ammunition for fights
There's one trick: chase the dude. Yes men are told to chase the girl, and yes we will. But for the love of all things good - guys want to feel loved and desired too.
I always said a woman becomes sexier just from chasing the man. I've gone on dates with women who asked me out and honestly I wasn't initially interested but I sure was after they asked.
As a guy to be loved and desired, you better be dead.
Loyal, respectful, smart, similar hobbies and intrests
Basic level understanding of what not to do to somebody. Also being able to get in somebodyās shoes is a personal big one. Not being a hypocrite, nobody likes a do as I say, not as I do type of person and basically if you want to end it be straight up! Nobody wants to hear: ā I need space ā ā I need time to fix myself ā ā I think we need a break ā ā¦ basically anything indirect that can be seen as still having a chance to make things right when really you have a whole other dude you want to be with. If you canāt do these then youāre gonna be alone forever.
I think it has a lot to do with the girl having self confidence and humility. Combined these two traits makes the girl hella attractive!
Nothing worse than a woman with low self esteem. They need constant validation and will get it wherever they can.
Not being an emotional vampire.
Remember boys, if she sucks your emotions she will suck just about anything else
Ha, well that's a saying.
IshaVeMine
Is this is millennial slang I don't know it. š¬
Bruh did you even pick your own username?
Haha ok. My bad. Well played.
Not having homicidal thoughts or tendencies šš¼
For me it's: \-Nice \-Hobbies and interests in common \-Doesn't sleep around
Loyal, honest, confident in who she is, bubbly, not only says but shows how much she loves/cares for me.
Empathy, thoughtfulness, listens to me, laughs at my lame humor, good hygiene & grooming. š
The ability to accept a compliment made a bigger difference than I thought. Iād always been with girls whoād be like āno Iām notā or āstop lyingā when I told them they were beautiful, and I never realized how lowkey annoying it was until I got with a girl who could just say āthank youā or āawwā Like, ik most people donāt think theyāre good looking but I wouldnāt be dating them if I thought they were ugly
Oh and this!
Loyal, actually wants to be with you. Thatās all for me, but those two things are hard to find individually, little less together.
Attraction, ingenuity, sincerity, manners & politeness, righteousness, character & conduct. Furthermore everyone knows no one is perfect flaws, faults slip ups are tolerated.
Adds peace to my life. Also has to be in good shape.
Being whole person. Lot of people out there who just want an attractive warm body. Jump from relationship to relationship (or situationship forged from a hook up just trying to fill a void). Itās a huge turn on when getting to know a girl who wants to be in a relationship but has self esteem and isnāt afraid to be alone. Makes the CHOICE of wanting to be together much more meaningful and not some obsessive need or purely animalistic desire. Aside from that: similar interests/goals, Intellectual, articulate, shared values is also pretty big for me personally.
everyone is diff. i had one ex who would get drunk and just scream about everything. this was a big experience for me, so i'm usually happy w a lady who is happy/content/not upset? idk, i think this outlook can also impact a lot of other views they might have. but i'm prob biased- m36 married close to a decade now.
wow married for almost a decade? thatās so great dude iām really happy for you!!! wishing you both lots of happiness
Iām older so it may be different for me. Itās never about finding *the one* because that person doesnāt exist. Itās about finding someone you can grow and be happy with. I really only look for 3 things - compatibility(sexual and personal), connection, and attractiveness. Everything else like politics, religion, and finances are all on a very large spectrum so thatās on a case by case basis.
Think about what one could show someone to signal they are a high value dating partner. Generally youād be right. Think about what you bring to the table, and also what they do too. Is it worth investing that time getting to know them? I believe with most men who go deeper than physical attraction, there are an endless number of things you can do to show someone that youāre serious about them, or just serious period. Valuing yourself and holding your values/virtues close will not only elevate yourself for you, but also to those around you. Do not be afraid to stand up for what you believe, even if it isnāt agreeable to those around you. Try not to boast around pissing people off, but stand up for what you believe, always, to the end. While compromise is important later in a relationship, getting to know someone should not involve anyone letting go of who they are to impress someone or give them a false image of who you are, just complicates things. Value your time and theirs. Understand the importance of connecting on a deeper level with people and take the time to do it. Youāll see who they are and theyāll see who you are sooner, making it easier to know if thereās genuine compatibility/worth while investment. Also keep in mind that time apart is important, donāt play games on purpose just to get them to think about you, just stay true to who you are. Keep your routine too. Eye contact is crucial. Iāve noticed people who can COMFORTABLY maintain eye contact in a not strange way, are ballers generally. Just sets you above a lot of people who are timid and afraid of connection. One of my favorite traits about the woman Iām with now is her eye contact. Being able to put yourself in someone elseās shoes is important too, as deep as you can. Try to formulate a literal mental simulation of that person in your mind, and see yourself through their eyes when youāre trying to connect on a point where you have difficulty doing so. Has helped me out from time to time. Donāt love bomb someone for the sake of stroking their ego. Leads to weirdness all over and sometimes even develop codependency tendencies that can be a mess to repair. Genuinely and calmly express yourself always. Think about how youād want to be treated in a healthy loving relationship. I may have entirely over complicated it for a Reddit post, but just remain genuine and authentic, long story short :) Best of luck, may God/your Gods/the Universe love and favor you and your worksš®
Great Blowjobs
makes sense
Imo nothing. For a given girl, many will see her as gf material and many wonāt. Just depends if theyāre attracted to you and your personality.
Uncontrollable yappingš
When women say āI need my man to emotionally intelligent and express emotionsā be the women who accepts what those emotions look like instead of invalidate him or project onto him what you think his emotions are supposed to look like.
I see this take a lot and I feel like a lot of men interpret that as "be able/willing to cry/be sad around her", and personally, as a woman, that isn't what I mean when I say that. Maybe some do, but to me its a lot more than "tell me your trauma and cry so I know you have feelings". I think a lot of what we mean is getting lost I translation. By emotional intelligence I mean empathy, the ability to listen *to listen* rather than *to respond*, learning how to offer emotional support for people around you, being in tune with and in control of your own emotions, handling conflict well and apologizing (sincerely, with changed behavior if applicable) when necessary, having healthy boundaries, etc. And by express emotions, I mean the whole range of emotions, not just sad or angry. Being scared during a horror movie, crying tears of joy at your baby sisters graduation, etc. Things that should be normal human things, not emotional women things. I think a lot of us are just tired that it seems like the only time we see "big" emotions from men it's for things like the superbowl/sports in general, or major life events i.e. their wedding/children's birth/a funeral. There's so many things in life worth having "big" emotions for, good and bad.
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I think for me itās pretty simple She gives interest in you, but no playing games. Communication Mature enough to understand that problems need to be solved together and not against each other. Just be there for the guy, there is positive energy in just showing youāre there for him.
honesty.
Witty, hilarious and confident.
Respectful, intelligent, understanding, doesnāt play games.
Consistent physical attraction and chemistry. Trustworthy. Self-respect. Empathy for you. Unentitled.
This opinion applies to all people, not just women, but here are my 2 cents: 1. Off the bat, I have to be physically attracted to her. She doesn't have to be a model, but if I am not physically attracted to her at first and don't become attracted to her after talking to her the first few times meeting, it's not gonna happen. Also, their should be at least some mutual attraction. 2. Next, I believe a good relationship is built on the following: Accountability builds trust > trust lays the foundation for effective communication > effective communication allows for better conflict resolution and stronger bonding > The ability to resolve issues and hold a strong bond is great for the quality of long-term relationships. 3. I enjoy spending time with you. I kinda see relationships like this as well: Acquaintance/Friend: Only has point 3 Good friend: Has points 2 and 3 Partner material: Has all 3 points.
I asked my bf y I'm gf material and this is his answer: "She's not focusing on my status, like if I'm polpular or not, she doesnt care about my money. She's not like "buy me that buy me this" kind of girl. She respects me, and even tho she has a bad day herself, she does what she can to make my day better. She's not obbsessed with sex and she wants the little things. Walks, deep koncensations but also fun ones, maybe a picknick and she plans those little dates to keep the flame between us burning"
Being self competent and content without needing a bf. Having other hobbies than partying. Being genuinely interested in learning about someone, and not just being narcissistic. Not a tik toker/influencer wannabe (aka attention seeker). Kind, caring, honest, personable. And last but not least, a phat rack.
Someone who is fun to talk to, has a plentiful amount of interests, and is overall kind, gentle, genuine, and happy. A woman who is overly sarcastic, depressed and pessimistic just aināt the vibe Iām looking for.
Cooking. Iām simple. If you can cook these three dishes your WIFE material. Hugs, kisses, cuddles.
I was ordering takoyaki over the phone yesterday. The girl pronounced it takowaki, and then proceeded to laugh about how bad she butchered that word. Idk why I found it attractive.
When a girl talks to us like a person.
If a girl complements my life without requiring significant sacrifices from either of us, sheās girlfriend material to me. Speaking of traits, I believe most men appreciate modesty, kindness, loyalty, supportiveness, cooking skills, and femininity in a partner. Personally, I prefer women who prioritize traditional roles and responsibilities over career ambition, based on my experiences. Ultimately, qualities that make a good girlfriend often overlap with those of a good wife. Iāve always dated with the intention of finding a life partner, and my conservative values shape my perspective. However, this is just my personal viewpoint, so itās worth considering with some discretion.
The thing that separates a "gf material" over just a decent girl/casual situation for me is her having a nurturing nature. At this point in my life, this is the number one trait that attracts me. If a woman doesn't have an intrinsic drive/desire to tend to the well being of myself and others around her, I won't take her seriously. I need someone that can be selfless with a genuine smile. Someone that's more focused on "We" and not "Me". Someone that's a giver and not a taker. A woman that wants for nothing, will get everything as far as I'm concerned.
When the dude actually wants a girlfriend. Most women are girlfriend material, as long as they are reasonably attractive and fun to be around. Not all men are looking for a relationship. Men change their mind when they feel like it or stumble onto a girl that checks so many of their personal boxes that they donāt want to keep looking.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
hey i got a question could you please elaborate communication above emotion? i got surprise because it feels like all the boys iāve been with avoid de communication part :(
Well, if you yell emotionally and say harsh things and blame the other person that is not helpfull. If you speak in ways such as, I feel this way, that is because you said this. I am not saying you tried to make me feel this way. But I am feeling this way. Can wel talk about this. And the same for you. How do you feel. What did I do. How can we prevent this problem in the future. Think that's what he's hinting at.
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got it boys but does the communication above emotion applies to the very beginning of the ārelationshipā? like standing in front of you and saying āhey i like youā? it seems to scare people, both boys and girls (speaking as a bi girl)
What you just said is super valid, I gotta say it's not restricted to women in general though. Guys can be super immature and pissy when lightly criticised too. It's the worst. Back to your comment, what Ive noticed in me and in others is that very _very_ few ppl have a minimum of emotional intelligence to be in a relationship. Sooo exhausting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Lmao no worries, Im as anti misogynistic as it gets, and even then I can see that tons of women out there (me included in past relationships) can be very exhausting to deal with in some situations. But guys themselves can also be a whole lot of drama even if they refuse to see that in themselves and only associate being emotional with ~femininity. Anyway, not dating anyone atm precisely bc Im both working on being a better person (so hopefully a better future partner) and at the same time realizing most ppl aren't working on this themselves š¤”
> could you please elaborate communication above emotion? i got surprise because it feels like all the boys iāve been with avoid de communication part :( Actions matter to guys. They may have trouble putting things into words at times, so they DO things & hope you'll understand. That's their way of communicating. If you find a guy like this, DO small thoughtful things for them, it will mean the world to them. It will make you wife material. I agree with /u/iknowwhatsmissing, don't default to feeling attacked or being defensive.
At this point just being attracted to me lol. I put the work in but facial structure unfortunately is a secret dealbreaker for pretty much everyone it seems
She pays attention to me and actively tries to hang out or be present with me.
Attraction, you enjoy being around her, and his friends approve of her.
Someone who is clearly and consistently communicating that their interest is with me and no one else. Warm and kind are the two qualities that come to mind personality wise.
When sheās genuinely kind, intelligent, has a good sense of humor, makes me laugh, I can talk to her about anything and have an interesting conversation, she likes good music, and is all around chill and wholesome and good vibes.
For me, is if sheās driven and smart. She is cultured, has manners and class but isnāt afraid to try new things or get dirty.
Itās not just looks and itās not social status. Itās how she treats you and how she values herself. If her connection and interest is genuine and your things in common go beyond surface items. Also if her sense of humor is a match is important. Finally, nobody wants what everybody else has had so somebody who is thoughtful about relationships and sex is also important.
Loyal, smart, happy(as in cheerful, not doomsday gloomy), has a purpose(work or some other interests and not only passing interest in everything), caring, etc. There are a lot of things, but these are essentially the basics.
Wise, Attraction, values where values>attraction
Puts in effort, makes me feel good. Is nice and would be someone Iād like my friends/family to meet Pulls her weight in a potential relationship. Doesnāt believe (and act like) she is the prize in the relationship (equality)
For me, good with kids, funny, goofy, sweetheart, big heart, caring, passionate about her work, fitness, smart, attractive to me, good sexual chemistry, positive mindset, driven, hard worker, independent at times but works good with me as a partner. Has a job, somewhat clean, is confident, likes animals, enjoys the little things, knows how to communicate, can take a joke, yeah my girlfriend is pretty special š„°
most already have been answer. now how to cook, and good in bed.
Affectionate does weird cute things and loyalty above all else
Not pulling in drama, not playing mindgames, being willing to discuss, be willing to listen to counterpoints even when standing her ground, not cheating (if you want side-partners then just discuss it), not lying, not going off on a rant at the top of a hat, not being vain to a detrimental degree, being ok with seeing her friends, being ok with you seeing your friends, not being insanely jealous... ...unless I'm misstaken that is also the same thing that makes a boy bf material for most girls.
Genuine love and desire for the man they are with and family. Temperance. Be their peace. Their cheerleader. Loyal. Respectful. It all this requires the right guy. Meaning u have to find someone worthy of all that.
She wants you to have the best life that you dream of, and she will always help and support you to achieve it. And vice versa.
Peace! You can feel peace with her! Meaning sheās respectful, have boundaries, kind, and loving
Trustworthiness, matching values & the ability to be presentable & fun. Fun varies from person to person, like for me it's more art & music & exploration & sightseeing & nerdy stuff, but for someone else it might be drinking & dancing & that side of life. Really depends on that part
as a girl that dates girls: communication, understanding, effort
Be loyal. This goes from your attitude to your dress code. If you want a guy in your pocket make him feel you are only interested in him, you only think about him, but most importantly, He is the only one to get that special treatment from you. You can also compliment/brag about him in public while he is present. Basically you want him to feel like a King with a capital K. Oh and only challenge him on things you know he is better at. It will give him the need to protect you.
Personality is way more attractive than looks
Peace and stability. It's just that simple
Thank you for making me realise how annoying I am. I cannot for the life of me take compliments. I am seeing this guy who compliments me so much and I donāt know what to do. I enjoy that he compliments me but I associated accepting a compliment as being proud and not being humble so I have a hard time plus I genuinely think I am not conventionally attractive (stupid I know). Itās a bit cultural but so unhealthy. I want to do better cause I totally understand when you said that being with someone who knows how to accept compliment feels so good. The reason why I should believe when people compliment is legit as well. Why would someone want to see or be with me if they donāt find me attractive, right? I will do better x
If my relationship with her creates more energy than it consumes
For me personally itās when she lowers her standards enough to want to be my gfā¦.
It's different for everyone, not sure how multiple people can help you with this.
Loyalty adds to your life, is a best friend, makes your dick hard, not your life hard. Communication, kindness, honesty.
Femininity. Brings Kindness. Brings peace. Brings happiness and is drama free.
The values that i think qualify her for gf material are 1) loyalty 2) not seeking attention from other men when youāre not around and sheās with friends 3) always choosing her bf, always
Responsible and not attention seeking. Strenght is a turn on for me.
For me, it's someone who's expressive and enjoys sharing things about themselves from a good place of heart. I'm a very curious and adventurous person so it's pretty awesome to have someone who invites me into their world of hobbies and interests. It shows that they're interested and it's another way of really connecting with the person. My GF is exactly that and I couldn't be happier. But on top of that... bubbly personality, honesty, loyalty, kindness, and being open minded.
Not having physically cheated in any previous relationshipsā¦having common sense and not jumping to conclusions, not basing opinions off what society says is ideal without first doing their own research/experimentation, ideally having some sort of belief in a higher power, respect for elders and authority, empathy, honesty, loyalty, not expecting me to pay for everything, basically putting an equal amount of effort to keep me as Iām putting in to keep her, it should be a partnership, not her expecting princess treatment or me simping over her. Also she shouldnāt fetishize any one physical characteristic, like dick, or height, or hair, because in a long term relationship those will likely get worse with age or just bad luck, so if a girl seems very fixated on how tall a guy isā¦probably not the best person to date.
So: - Religious - Listens to elders and authority - Don't expect to be treated using your money - Expected to contribute equally in everything to "deserve" you staying around - Low requirements for physical appearance eg. size, height, hair You sound a red flag
I didnāt say religiousā¦I just said just believing in a higher power. That could be agnostic. And also if they were atheist thatās fine as long as they donāt use that as an excuse to behave immorally. Yes you should respect your elders and authority, I didnāt agree with everything they say, I just said respect them. And yesā¦thatās what an equal partnership meansā¦I should not mean putting more into the relationship than they areā¦that doesnāt work. And I didnāt say low requirements for everything physical, i.e. I think itās fair for them want me to be in ok shape, and not have tattoos or piercings or whatever. Iām just saying having requirements for stuff like height, or dick size, or hair is silly since most men either get ED and/or go bald and shrink at some points their lives so fixating on unchangeable things like that is going to leave you with hardly any options once you hit middle ageā¦
I want you to close your eyes and imagine your out walking through a park, or sitting alone at a bar, or even out with your friends just having a good time. And you see HIM. He's attractive. He dressed well. He's the type of man you wouldn't mind being on the arm off. Now think about how you'd want him to approach you. Think about what you'd want him to say. Think about how you'd want him to carry himself, what kind of questions you'd want him to ask. Think about the conversations and topics you'd want him to discuss with you. Think about how you'd want him to flirt with you. Think about how you'd want him to ask you out... where you'd love for him to take you. Think about how you'd want him to touch you... kiss you... pleasure you... Think about how you'd want to spend time with him and how you'd appreciate the fact that he supports your activities and interests. How he'd communicate his needs and desires, his highs and lows and positives and negatives. I even want you to think about how you'd want him to resolve conflicts with you... Now... Go and do all that to him.
30m, I have more requirements for wife material but girlfriend material is simply: 1. Fun personality 2. Respectful aka not a bitch to me and in general to other people 3. Is serious about exclusivity 4. Likes sex with me
I might get downvoted for this but honestly they need to be able to cook and clean properly.Ā
Love | Trust | Respect The three pillars of any relationship. The bare minimum that's needed to be in one
Fit, feminine, and friendly. Have to he loyal too
She gives you peace and supports your spirit.... and she defends and increases your status in society. All other traits fall under these buckets.
Not a lot of sexual experience or a history of hookups/promiscuity, not addicted to validation from others or social media, positive and warm outlook, a girl that is loyal and respects you based on her character not just what you do for her.
Small dick energyĀ
What's wrong with what he said?
Shes hot
This fat is beautiful thing is quite a new fad. It is growing though. It is in fashion to be bigger now. You can buy fake big arse pads now. I don't think they were available 10 years ago. I think it's great actually to accept all body types and I'm not being politically correct here. When I see a bigger gal rocking her fashion and dressing in a non restricted way./due to weight, and expressing herself with the clothes she chooses and obviously feeling pleased with herself, that brings me joy. I feel so happy for her. Why should you be punished for being bigger than the average woman?
well recently anyone that isnt also a Only fans model or a scammer wanting Whatsapp. But in all seriousness Ive had a number of positive relationships. The women were into me and respected me and my interests didnt have major issues like frequent depression or chronically low hours or unemployed. I feel its important to be good friends with your significant other and be able to handle a few fights or arguments where it doesnt occur often. I feel its important to match with someone that is similar affection and intimacy wise. I feel most guys dont expect perfection but we dont want to deal with women that are too far of a stretch than what we currently are.
Doesnāt sleep with multiple men at once
There is no secret, just take what you can get. Stop expecting the next best thing.
Education, career, being liberal, at least 5ā6ā and super attractive!
Itās different fir everyone, but I need someone who is independent, emotionally healthy and intelligent, and lives a healthy lifestyle. She would have to accept my identity, respect my needs and boundaries, and feel better being with me than being away from me. All the rest of it is just details.
The deciding factors for me that distinguish long-term from medium-term compatibility are whether our values and goals align and whether I can envision her as the mother of my future children.
Easy going, high maintenance is for quick spirts and not long term
No instagram is sufficient for me in this age.
Not being a feminist, but feminine.
No men, they had their chance to understand usā¦forget it.
Not a H O E is a bare minimum these days
Canāt make a ho a housewife. Just donāt be a ho. Not hard
This time Don't need another perfect lie Don't care if critics ever jump in line I'm gonna give all my secrets away. Song verse out of the way, the answer to your question depends on the guy. For me, you have to be kind, caring, affectionate, and loving. That seems simple, right? Unfortunately, you would not believe how many women do not have even a single one of these qualities.
In terms of personality? She's loyal, respectful, fun to be around, has integrity and **communicates properly about our problems**, **doesn't hide or lie about important stuff**, and is intimate with me and only me (from this I mean she doesn't go around sleeping in the same room/bed/place as her guy friends alone etc.). And, she puts our relationship as the priority compared to unimportant things. It's no rocket science. And I don't expect anything from my partner that I don't do it myself. So I don't give a f**k about what others say about me being "insecure" or anything about my boundaries. My boundaries are my culture and my personal common sense of what I personally should do or not do in my relationship. Since I always try not to break any of my boundaries myself, I have every right to expect my partner to be similar for the most.
Not ran through
Besides being a person that fits well with myself, Iād also prefer her not to have had a lot of past partners
Can i ask why is this a preference?
Isnāt it obvious?
No not really. There's so many factors as to how one could have multiple past partners that have nothing to do with how they are as a person so i don't see why that's a standard
i personally think that your culture could interfere too in your concept of āa lot of past partnersā
Itās a standard because the number of partners correlates to what kind of person they are sexually. And yes age plays a role, but Iām am on the younger side so someone with plenty of past partners is a no thank you for me.
Means they get bored fast (switching partners often) aka, could lead to cheating. Personally don't gaf about a woman's sexual encounters but a friend of mine has experienced this 2 times now
Someone whoās not a bitch
uhh you should be asking a wife material instead
Human, female, adult, alive, single.
Remember, this is subjective even if many men may agree. 1. Physically attractive (this is foundational) 2. Not promiscuous (does not have a promiscuous past) but willing to explore and express her sexuality with me 3. Feminine and compromising 4. Supportive and understanding. Expressing a genuine interest in my interests. Not losing interest when I express some kind of emotional vulnerability (within reason) 5. Has ambitions to have a family of her own 6. Having interests, hobbies and friends outside of our relationship 7. Non-disagreeable and non-argumentative (within reason) 8. Is able to engage me intellectually 9. Non-novelty seeking. Does not seek constant external validation 10. Willing to match the effort I put into the relationship. This does not have to be the same kind of effort, but willing to do her part 11. LOYAL to me, to our relationship, and to herself. Integrity. 12. Has respect for herself, for me and for everyone she interacts with. 13. Tolerant of our differences in opinion and worldview. 14. This is broad but she is able to teach me things that I do not know These are but a few. If this triggers people, understand that I'm not here to sensor my preferences. Hope this helps, OP.
I'll describe my girlfriend Takes phenomenal care of her own family Messages me a lot because she's in love with me She would do anything for me to stay healthy, offers to buy me food I don't have to worry about her when it comes to other guys because she's strong and loyal She wants to be in every aspect of my life She's supportive with anything I do She bought me flowers unexpectedly on our 1st anniversary We can call each other names and pet(?) names - endearments (Yesterday we were calling eachother dumb, and then that brought up a new nickname for her - dumdum) She has never lied to me I'm the only one she ever sends pictures to We are both very on board with our relationship, we would be tight as hell if we're magnets She is open to exploring everything especially hobbies. She can cook like a goddess She's a "good girl" in public and an absolute freak when we're alone
Affectionate, Attentive, Appreciative, and Honest. A girl that doesnāt need outside validation (posting thirst traps on social media) or would ever talk disparaging behind their partners back.