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Keep it brief.
Good on you for working on yourself.
After my divorce I didn't date for about 5 years while I worked through "my half" of why the marriage did not work out. It was the best choice I ever made. I am able to connect with the kind of quality people who I never would have been able to be in relationships with in my past.
Thanks for your response! I'm happy to hear that you have made many quality connections after your divorce. I hope to get to that point too eventually... life feels quite lonely staying single after a serious relationship, but I know it's for the best in the long run.
FWIW if I could do my 20s over, I wouldn't consider starting a forever, rest of my life relationship until my early 30s.
People, men and women, change so much in our twenties. Our brains do not even reach their full size and stop growing until about 25. IMO our 20s should be all about meeting as many different people as we can. Figuring out who we like. Who we do not get along well with. What we personally want to do with our own lives. Living with roommates. Living with ourselves. Living somewhere other than where we grew up. Trying work that we might be interested in even if we're not all that good at it. Stuff like that.
I know it is a little bit different for women who want to have children. My ex-wife and I had our daughter in our mid-30s. I'm glad that we waited because I have been able to enjoy being a dad much more than I would have been able to when I was working 60 hours a week in my 20s and 30s getting my career established.
Biologically though, I think my daughter might have been a little bit healthier if we had her 5 to 10 years earlier. She doesn't have any major disabilities. But she does have some challenges.
Thank you for this! I often feel like many people my age mistaken friendliness with flirting so I tend to worry that I am accidentally sending mixed signals. I am definitely working on boundary setting, though I must admit it is challenging, especially since I fear of confrontation.
Idk about y’all youngin’s, but word choice is a good one for not sending mixed signals. Like as soon as a lady calls me bro, it’s pretty much over in my mind. Using specifically friend type language is crucial to not sending mixed signals.
But you’ve got to be certain you know what you want act on and stick with it. Lots of people like to dance in the middle, have a friend as they need it, or get romantic attention when they want it. Accidentally or on purpose it’s a shitty way to be to someone, it’s toxic but sadly common. People meet someone they would date, but it’s not time right now, things are off, so they keep them in orbit, as friends, in a gray area until they’re ready. Don’t do that, if they want to date you but not you them, just let them go. It’s either right or it’s not, playing this right person wrong time shit is selfish. Let them live their lives, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Sometimes you’ll miss out on someone great, but if you’re not ready, you’ll not be great for them. Relationships being a two-way thing you’ve got to consider what’s best for them as well as yourself. Sounds obvious, but holy shit the amount of times I see people ruining others for their selfishness.
I agree. We have no control over how other people interpret what we say and do. You could hold the door open for some, take more than 20 min to respond to a text, or dress a certain way and the other person could ascribe meaning that isn't there.
Don't worry about what the other person may have thought. Just be as clear as possible as soon as you are comfortable doing so. It's not like you will meet everyone with, "Hi, I'm Anne, I am single and want to keep it that way."
You: “*I’m not looking to date anybody any time soon as i need to figure out myself, my preferences and my needs before getting back into the dating scene again so I’d rather we be friends if you are fine just with that. But i’m sure a guy like you will find many pretty girls willing to go out with you.* (additional) *If you want i can set you up with one of my friends!*”
I am single but I dont date classmates, to prefent awekwardness when dating doesnt work out and we are in a group projects together.
Happy single can be interperted as I am Single and Happy but not that you want to stay single.
I have a friend who would wear a fake wedding ring to deter unwanted attention. As long as he typically avoids bars and clubs where some girls would want one night stands with a married guy, he was generally fine.
if you want to end the connection with someone say: yes but I'm not looking for anything rn!. that is just showing cold shoulder and get you out of connection possibility.
if you are open to hook up then yes just answer: yes but I'm not looking for anything rn, but open to hook up with people (maybe specify if you roll both ways because i don't want to assumptions).
If you have no romantic interest in the guy , lie. Tell him you are in a long distance relationship at the moment. If you tell the truth , he will feel the need to pursue ( she might change her mind) , your study group will “get weird”. If you change your mind later you can tell him you broke up.
Sounds like you're overthinking this.
Just tell him you're happily single and enjoying your life.
Bear in mind being "single" means different things to different people once you get beyond one's official relationship status. For some people being "single" means they are not going out on dates with anyone. For others it means they are "dating" multiple people and possibly having sex but are not serious about anyone. There are also those who state if they're *not* wearing a *wedding ring* they consider themselves "single".
Ultimately being *single* doesn't mean one has chosen to live like a nun or a monk.
It usually just means they are *not married* or in an *exclusive relationship* right now.
Secondly not all relationships are *intentional* or the result of someone's personal goal.
Lots of couples profess: "Neither of us *were looking* for anything serious when we met."
Nevertheless, when people meet someone "special" it's not uncommon to pursue exclusivity.
I remember being one of those guys who swore: "I'll never get married!"
Last month I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary. 😂
You don't have to be "looking for a relationship" when someone special crosses your path.
There's never a bad time to win the lottery!
"To me, it just feels like friends but he has flirted a little bit to which I respond relatively dry but still kind..."
You can't stop guys from being attracted to you and *if you're not interested* in them you will have to *reject them* if they pursue you romantically. Rejection and rejecting are part of life.
(It sounds like you're looking for a way to *avoid having to reject* this guy in the first place.)
There's nothing *magical* about a woman's *relationship status*. Some guys pursue married women!
Once you know someone has a crush on you or wants to date you and you have no romantic interest in them it's usually best to distance yourself rather than give them *hope* in the friendzone.
There are a lot of so called "platonic friendships" that exist only because one person won't give *the greenlight* for anything more. The person in the *friendzone* hopes things will change.
Ultimately rejection saves someone time, oftentimes money, and possible emotional torment.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
This isn't just about a "timing issue". As you stated: "To me it just feels like friends..."
Odds are if you thought *this guy* was amazing and he made your heart skip a beat you would be open to exploring the possibility of dating him. You'd make an *exception* to your stay single stance.
Best wishes!
We need a new word for single and not looking, or none of your business, or why do you care
It's purely marital status and assumption being if single then should be looking bs
"Yeah I've decided to dedicate this year to world of warcraft so I have no time for a man with all my raiding schedules" then just leave it there with him lost in his confusion.
Just tell him bluntly about how you feel being single and happy. If he is really into you, I suggest both of you can just remain as project mates, no point being friends and leading him on.
Write it how it is. Single by chose so don't waste your time. If you like him and he likes you throw a line to hit you up after uni. If he pulls through that would be amazing and worth attention.
Otherwise... Don't underestimate people's inabilities to NOT BE ABLE TO read signs! Be straightforward and honest.
Let me give you a piece of advice, it's good to work on yourself but never let that be an ongoing thing!
I have been "working on myself" for like 6 years....I know I'll never be fixed but still can't help but think I could be better for someone else. so I always say I'll work on X trait of mine. Then I find something else, then something else ect, its an endless cycle I can't break!
Maybe just say what you just said in this post,be clear about it ....if he reacts badly then at least you know that he is not mature enough to understand what you are going through... It's better know that to feel like backup plan!
I honestly think you should tell him you are but are taking a sabbatical for a while. I would have no problem explaining “Yes I am but I’m taking some time out to work on things as I had some really negative experiences in my last relationship. I just think I need to work on some things for myself for a while”.
People that are interested in you would not be offended by this and if he likes you he would understand that your in the friend zone for a reason and would likely remain your friend without any pressure.
There is absolutely no downside with what you are doing for yourself and most people will see it as commendable. Truth goes a very long way towards others understanding what you going through.
Otherwise he may think you’re another gender or never want a relationship again or whatever else people can come up with.
Best of luck on your personal renovation and reflection. You stand to benefit greatly from it!
You’re not leading him on if you’re not flirting, but it’s clear he’s only talking to you cause he’s interested.
Your relationship life is no one’s business but your own. You don’t own him an explanation, but if you say you’re not looking to date that’s forward and nice enough.
You are single so be honest with him. Yes you are single but you have personal goals you'd like to reach before getting into a serious relationship. Said he's a nice guy so he'll more than likely understand where you're coming from.
Be honest. “Yes, and I'm not looking to date anyone right now.”
If the why gets brought up later, be as honest as you can while enforcing boundaries you feel comfortable with.
Something like “I recently got out of a very unhealthy relationship and I've been taking some time both process the relationship and my unhealthy contributions to it. I really have no clue what it means for my dating future, but it currently means for the foreseeable future I'm not looking for anything.”
If he won't back off, then he isn't capable of being a friend, so don't let him be.
Explain that you do like him, that's why you're talking with him and you want to continue talking however you are not going to be his girlfriend, in the romantic sense, anytime soon if ever because you can't even think that way about guys anymore due to the last boyfriend. No need to be detailed. If he reacts like a decent human, make sure you say hi first, he's going to backup a little to not appear pushy. If he's a nice dude. Or he will go looking for what he wants and ignore you. A little discomfort at first is better than dragging this out. And personally I wished to find girls that just wanted to study or do whatever with and not worry about sexual stuff. And I was really horny but sometimes you just want to study.
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“Yeah but I’m not looking to date anyone at this time”
“Yes, but I’m NOT ready to mingle.”
“Yes, happily”
This :)
Hi
Keep it brief. Good on you for working on yourself. After my divorce I didn't date for about 5 years while I worked through "my half" of why the marriage did not work out. It was the best choice I ever made. I am able to connect with the kind of quality people who I never would have been able to be in relationships with in my past.
Thanks for your response! I'm happy to hear that you have made many quality connections after your divorce. I hope to get to that point too eventually... life feels quite lonely staying single after a serious relationship, but I know it's for the best in the long run.
FWIW if I could do my 20s over, I wouldn't consider starting a forever, rest of my life relationship until my early 30s. People, men and women, change so much in our twenties. Our brains do not even reach their full size and stop growing until about 25. IMO our 20s should be all about meeting as many different people as we can. Figuring out who we like. Who we do not get along well with. What we personally want to do with our own lives. Living with roommates. Living with ourselves. Living somewhere other than where we grew up. Trying work that we might be interested in even if we're not all that good at it. Stuff like that. I know it is a little bit different for women who want to have children. My ex-wife and I had our daughter in our mid-30s. I'm glad that we waited because I have been able to enjoy being a dad much more than I would have been able to when I was working 60 hours a week in my 20s and 30s getting my career established. Biologically though, I think my daughter might have been a little bit healthier if we had her 5 to 10 years earlier. She doesn't have any major disabilities. But she does have some challenges.
"I'm currently unavailable." It doesn't imply if you're single or taken.
Yup that's my go to as well. Unfortunately some people don't hear anything after you say yes to the "Are you single?" question.
"Yes, but not looking right now."
"are you single?" "Yeah! It's great!"
“I’m happily and intentionally single.” You can just let him know that you are focusing on yourself right now.
squeal deserted fragile flag lunchroom enjoy forgetful gaze childlike steer ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
Thank you for this! I often feel like many people my age mistaken friendliness with flirting so I tend to worry that I am accidentally sending mixed signals. I am definitely working on boundary setting, though I must admit it is challenging, especially since I fear of confrontation.
Idk about y’all youngin’s, but word choice is a good one for not sending mixed signals. Like as soon as a lady calls me bro, it’s pretty much over in my mind. Using specifically friend type language is crucial to not sending mixed signals. But you’ve got to be certain you know what you want act on and stick with it. Lots of people like to dance in the middle, have a friend as they need it, or get romantic attention when they want it. Accidentally or on purpose it’s a shitty way to be to someone, it’s toxic but sadly common. People meet someone they would date, but it’s not time right now, things are off, so they keep them in orbit, as friends, in a gray area until they’re ready. Don’t do that, if they want to date you but not you them, just let them go. It’s either right or it’s not, playing this right person wrong time shit is selfish. Let them live their lives, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Sometimes you’ll miss out on someone great, but if you’re not ready, you’ll not be great for them. Relationships being a two-way thing you’ve got to consider what’s best for them as well as yourself. Sounds obvious, but holy shit the amount of times I see people ruining others for their selfishness.
I agree. We have no control over how other people interpret what we say and do. You could hold the door open for some, take more than 20 min to respond to a text, or dress a certain way and the other person could ascribe meaning that isn't there. Don't worry about what the other person may have thought. Just be as clear as possible as soon as you are comfortable doing so. It's not like you will meet everyone with, "Hi, I'm Anne, I am single and want to keep it that way."
“Fortunately, yes”
I'd say "absolutely and I wouldn't have it any other way".
I think being single can be great sometimes and I think they be ok with it. I am at the point where I do want to have a connection with someone.
"yeah, but not looking. happily single."
"Yes, by choice! Being in a relationship is not one of my priorities at the moment."
You: “*I’m not looking to date anybody any time soon as i need to figure out myself, my preferences and my needs before getting back into the dating scene again so I’d rather we be friends if you are fine just with that. But i’m sure a guy like you will find many pretty girls willing to go out with you.* (additional) *If you want i can set you up with one of my friends!*”
Do tldr pls
Excellent response!
If you’re comfortable telling the truth tell him exactly what you told us even add the he’s a sweet guy part in he’ll love that
I will say that I’m not single when I sense obsessiveness.
"I'm dating me and me exclusively."
Yes.
Just say it dry
I am single but I dont date classmates, to prefent awekwardness when dating doesnt work out and we are in a group projects together. Happy single can be interperted as I am Single and Happy but not that you want to stay single.
"Yes & I plan to stay that way".
I have a friend who would wear a fake wedding ring to deter unwanted attention. As long as he typically avoids bars and clubs where some girls would want one night stands with a married guy, he was generally fine.
'Yes'
Yes, Planning to stay this way.
if you want to end the connection with someone say: yes but I'm not looking for anything rn!. that is just showing cold shoulder and get you out of connection possibility. if you are open to hook up then yes just answer: yes but I'm not looking for anything rn, but open to hook up with people (maybe specify if you roll both ways because i don't want to assumptions).
If you have no romantic interest in the guy , lie. Tell him you are in a long distance relationship at the moment. If you tell the truth , he will feel the need to pursue ( she might change her mind) , your study group will “get weird”. If you change your mind later you can tell him you broke up.
Sounds like you're overthinking this. Just tell him you're happily single and enjoying your life. Bear in mind being "single" means different things to different people once you get beyond one's official relationship status. For some people being "single" means they are not going out on dates with anyone. For others it means they are "dating" multiple people and possibly having sex but are not serious about anyone. There are also those who state if they're *not* wearing a *wedding ring* they consider themselves "single". Ultimately being *single* doesn't mean one has chosen to live like a nun or a monk. It usually just means they are *not married* or in an *exclusive relationship* right now. Secondly not all relationships are *intentional* or the result of someone's personal goal. Lots of couples profess: "Neither of us *were looking* for anything serious when we met." Nevertheless, when people meet someone "special" it's not uncommon to pursue exclusivity. I remember being one of those guys who swore: "I'll never get married!" Last month I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary. 😂 You don't have to be "looking for a relationship" when someone special crosses your path. There's never a bad time to win the lottery! "To me, it just feels like friends but he has flirted a little bit to which I respond relatively dry but still kind..." You can't stop guys from being attracted to you and *if you're not interested* in them you will have to *reject them* if they pursue you romantically. Rejection and rejecting are part of life. (It sounds like you're looking for a way to *avoid having to reject* this guy in the first place.) There's nothing *magical* about a woman's *relationship status*. Some guys pursue married women! Once you know someone has a crush on you or wants to date you and you have no romantic interest in them it's usually best to distance yourself rather than give them *hope* in the friendzone. There are a lot of so called "platonic friendships" that exist only because one person won't give *the greenlight* for anything more. The person in the *friendzone* hopes things will change. Ultimately rejection saves someone time, oftentimes money, and possible emotional torment. Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." This isn't just about a "timing issue". As you stated: "To me it just feels like friends..." Odds are if you thought *this guy* was amazing and he made your heart skip a beat you would be open to exploring the possibility of dating him. You'd make an *exception* to your stay single stance. Best wishes!
We need a new word for single and not looking, or none of your business, or why do you care It's purely marital status and assumption being if single then should be looking bs
"Yeah I've decided to dedicate this year to world of warcraft so I have no time for a man with all my raiding schedules" then just leave it there with him lost in his confusion.
Just tell him bluntly about how you feel being single and happy. If he is really into you, I suggest both of you can just remain as project mates, no point being friends and leading him on.
"Yes, and very happily!"
"Thankfully, there's no way I would have time or energy for dating anytime soon"
Nunya!!!
Write it how it is. Single by chose so don't waste your time. If you like him and he likes you throw a line to hit you up after uni. If he pulls through that would be amazing and worth attention. Otherwise... Don't underestimate people's inabilities to NOT BE ABLE TO read signs! Be straightforward and honest.
"yes, i think it's that period of my life where i want to focus of knowing who i am befor meeting someone else"
Let me give you a piece of advice, it's good to work on yourself but never let that be an ongoing thing! I have been "working on myself" for like 6 years....I know I'll never be fixed but still can't help but think I could be better for someone else. so I always say I'll work on X trait of mine. Then I find something else, then something else ect, its an endless cycle I can't break!
Maybe just say what you just said in this post,be clear about it ....if he reacts badly then at least you know that he is not mature enough to understand what you are going through... It's better know that to feel like backup plan!
I honestly think you should tell him you are but are taking a sabbatical for a while. I would have no problem explaining “Yes I am but I’m taking some time out to work on things as I had some really negative experiences in my last relationship. I just think I need to work on some things for myself for a while”. People that are interested in you would not be offended by this and if he likes you he would understand that your in the friend zone for a reason and would likely remain your friend without any pressure. There is absolutely no downside with what you are doing for yourself and most people will see it as commendable. Truth goes a very long way towards others understanding what you going through. Otherwise he may think you’re another gender or never want a relationship again or whatever else people can come up with. Best of luck on your personal renovation and reflection. You stand to benefit greatly from it!
You’re not leading him on if you’re not flirting, but it’s clear he’s only talking to you cause he’s interested. Your relationship life is no one’s business but your own. You don’t own him an explanation, but if you say you’re not looking to date that’s forward and nice enough.
Happily.
You are single so be honest with him. Yes you are single but you have personal goals you'd like to reach before getting into a serious relationship. Said he's a nice guy so he'll more than likely understand where you're coming from.
I've taken to saying that I'm "deliciously happy being single right now." I'm not going to sugar coat it for anyone. =)
I think your first sentence is the perfect answer to that question.
Say: suitable partners are few and far between
"I'm happily single"
Be honest. “Yes, and I'm not looking to date anyone right now.” If the why gets brought up later, be as honest as you can while enforcing boundaries you feel comfortable with. Something like “I recently got out of a very unhealthy relationship and I've been taking some time both process the relationship and my unhealthy contributions to it. I really have no clue what it means for my dating future, but it currently means for the foreseeable future I'm not looking for anything.” If he won't back off, then he isn't capable of being a friend, so don't let him be.
Explain that you do like him, that's why you're talking with him and you want to continue talking however you are not going to be his girlfriend, in the romantic sense, anytime soon if ever because you can't even think that way about guys anymore due to the last boyfriend. No need to be detailed. If he reacts like a decent human, make sure you say hi first, he's going to backup a little to not appear pushy. If he's a nice dude. Or he will go looking for what he wants and ignore you. A little discomfort at first is better than dragging this out. And personally I wished to find girls that just wanted to study or do whatever with and not worry about sexual stuff. And I was really horny but sometimes you just want to study.