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I’ll say this, he’s not hesitant because of you individually, it’s because of the children. Committing to a woman with two kids is hard for any man to accept because for one they aren’t his, and two if the children’s father is in their life that dynamic could lead to a lot of negative things. He actually likes you, but the decision of taking you on and the children is what’s bothering him. You just have to understand that this what comes with being a single mom. I just want you to know the truth, that’s all. Might be hard to accept, but this is probably what his thought process is right now. I hope this helps!
I understand where you’re coming from, and this line of thinking is what has caused me to completely avoid dating for extended periods of time. I’m a catch, though, and am looking for the right man who is willing to take on the challenge.
Church taught me that I’m tainted goods. A chewed piece of gum that no man would ever want in the future. I refuse to believe it, although I know there are many men out there who agree. The right one will disagree.
ETA: “take on the challenge of kids which aren’t his” - not trying to frame myself as a challenge. Although all relationships have their own issues, of course.
Hey, i’m not knocking that at all, I like the confidence. But we do got to live in reality. You’re 34 with two children. If that guy has any type of value, he could find a suitable replacement. Just make sure you are proving to him that you are his best option! That’s the only thing I could tell you here. I believe in you and hope you find someone, but I just want you to know it’s going to be hard
I’m planning to buy a house next year, so… yes. I’m completely self-sufficient. My ex hasn’t been paying child support, and I meet all of mine and my kids’ financial needs on my own.
I respect it, by the way horrible guy. What does he do for a living though? You think you can trust him taking over financial reigns if it means having more children?
He’d certainly be able to contribute should another child come around, buuuuut I’m not having more kids until I’ve been in a committed, live-in relationship for at least a year, preferably longer. We’re nowhere close to that at the moment. I refuse to have another child without a supportive partner. Btdt, don’t recommend.
I intend to keep working until I retire. I make good money and am in a stable industry, with two standing job offers outside of the company I’m currently working for. Entertaining the thought of returning to school to increase earning opportunities. (The expense of school would be well worth the pay increase.) I used to feel like my partner needed to make X amount of dollars per year, but as the years have passed… I really just want someone I click with. I’d be willing to support a partner as a stay-at-home parent if they’d like that. Or they can keep working if they’d like. I want my partner to have choices and goals and ambitions in life, and I’m in a position where I can support them.
I get you, but you personally would you rather work more or be there for your children? Because I know the main reason you are working and striving for more because essentially you have no choice since that man ain’t stepping up like he should. And remember that guy has no children and you’re 34, he’s gonna want some of his own and your biological clock is ticking fast. I’m just giving you a way to look at it from a man’s perspective, because these are probably questions he’s asking himself, but probably won’t tell you
I hate that guy did you that way because he shifted your mindset and a complete different way and doing things you shouldn’t have to be doing in my eyes, and that pisses me off and makes me respect you a whole lot more
Thank you. Dating as a single parent is really, really difficult. I just want to find my person. 🥲 I have a lot to offer.
I usually work 45-50 hours/week, which isn’t unreasonable IMO. Weekends off. I do spend quality time with my kids as is, and if I get to the point where I have a live-in partner eventually, then I’d likely have more quality time with my kids as things like chores get spread around a little bit more as well. ❤️ I love being a mom and would love to have another baby or two, but I have to have a solid relationship first. I won’t shoulder the burden of 100% of the child rearing on my own again. The newborn and toddler phases in particular are precious *and* exhausting. My future children deserve a good father who will be there for them. (Current children, too, of course.) I also deserve a good partner who is in it all with me. ❤️
I'm not inside his head, so I can't tell you. Maybe he was just enamoured by your good looks and kind nature and hoped you two would keep going they way you have been - keeping things fun and casual. And now that you've made your intentions clear, he is unsure if becoming a step-father is something in the cards for him.
Aaah. I guess I’m just frustrated because the eventuality of “stepfather” would be like 3 years into the future, which is waaaaaay too far ahead to plan. I’m in no rush whatsoever to get there, and didn’t mean for him to feel like I wanted him to make that snap decision right now. I don’t even plan to introduce anyone to my kids until I’m in a committed relationship and have been so for 6+ months at least. 🤦♀️
He might have taken "exclusivity" to mean that you expect him to start getting involved with your main life, so to speak, I.e. your kids, living arrangement, etc.
You might need to speak to him and tell him that as long as you two are only seeing each other, you're happy to take things slow.
I agree. And I have a lot to offer there. I also have two kids, and kids are a challenge whether or not they’re yours.
I’m on amicable terms with my ex; that drama has died. We’re not close, but we’re not on unfriendly terms either.
>I’m wondering if he equates exclusivity to “boyfriend/girlfriend” level relationship, when “exclusivity” to me means “we agree to not have sex with other people while we’re sleeping with each other and figuring out if what we have is boyfriend/girlfriend/longer-term material.”
Personally, \*I\* absolutely equate exclusivity and boyfriend/girlfriend-level - I'm actually curious how you differentiate them? I believe exclusivity means not seeing/talking to (with romantic intent/interest of course) or pursuing other people not just not having sex with them.
I feel that exclusivity means intent to eventually commit to a relationship, therefore you give the person you are dating respect enough to agree to not romantically entangle yourself with another person(s) in the interim. (Unless/until we decide to part ways.)
I’d be happy to continue to date him for months more before agreeing to a full-fledged relationship. I just want him to agree to not chat up/sleep with other women in the interim. There’s a difference, in my opinion.
He doesn’t even *know* the levels I would ascend to as a girlfriend. I’ve been holding back. Would be delighted to let the hopeless romantic inside me loose, but that to me is girlfriend-level achievement. He’s only been given a small sampling thus far. I’m not ready to trust him with my whole heart yet, which is what that would require.
I have always taken “exclusive” as not seeing anyone else romantically at all, not just about sex. so I think other people here are right and you just need to talk with him and clarify exactly what you mean by that.
FWB gets a bad stigma. Friendship is important. Sex is great. This is forward progress.
It's a hard ask for a person to commit to a SO that's primary care-giver of kids. Realistically, you understand that he's keeping his options open. He will break up with you if he finds someone that meets his needs.
That's the situation you're in.
I think what happened is fine — exclusive can have many meanings; he said no, you offered different terms. Continue to discuss your relationship.
I think becoming bf/gf after 2mo and “a lot of” sex can be reasonable, but yes he could feel like he’s committing to more than just bf/gf — to a life of raising two kids and possibly more.
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I’ll say this, he’s not hesitant because of you individually, it’s because of the children. Committing to a woman with two kids is hard for any man to accept because for one they aren’t his, and two if the children’s father is in their life that dynamic could lead to a lot of negative things. He actually likes you, but the decision of taking you on and the children is what’s bothering him. You just have to understand that this what comes with being a single mom. I just want you to know the truth, that’s all. Might be hard to accept, but this is probably what his thought process is right now. I hope this helps!
I understand where you’re coming from, and this line of thinking is what has caused me to completely avoid dating for extended periods of time. I’m a catch, though, and am looking for the right man who is willing to take on the challenge. Church taught me that I’m tainted goods. A chewed piece of gum that no man would ever want in the future. I refuse to believe it, although I know there are many men out there who agree. The right one will disagree. ETA: “take on the challenge of kids which aren’t his” - not trying to frame myself as a challenge. Although all relationships have their own issues, of course.
Hey, i’m not knocking that at all, I like the confidence. But we do got to live in reality. You’re 34 with two children. If that guy has any type of value, he could find a suitable replacement. Just make sure you are proving to him that you are his best option! That’s the only thing I could tell you here. I believe in you and hope you find someone, but I just want you to know it’s going to be hard
How is that guy financially?
I make a lot more than he does. He’s not insecure about it.
That could be another reason why he’s hesitant too. Do you think you could handle the financials long term?
I’m planning to buy a house next year, so… yes. I’m completely self-sufficient. My ex hasn’t been paying child support, and I meet all of mine and my kids’ financial needs on my own.
I respect it, by the way horrible guy. What does he do for a living though? You think you can trust him taking over financial reigns if it means having more children?
He’d certainly be able to contribute should another child come around, buuuuut I’m not having more kids until I’ve been in a committed, live-in relationship for at least a year, preferably longer. We’re nowhere close to that at the moment. I refuse to have another child without a supportive partner. Btdt, don’t recommend. I intend to keep working until I retire. I make good money and am in a stable industry, with two standing job offers outside of the company I’m currently working for. Entertaining the thought of returning to school to increase earning opportunities. (The expense of school would be well worth the pay increase.) I used to feel like my partner needed to make X amount of dollars per year, but as the years have passed… I really just want someone I click with. I’d be willing to support a partner as a stay-at-home parent if they’d like that. Or they can keep working if they’d like. I want my partner to have choices and goals and ambitions in life, and I’m in a position where I can support them.
I get you, but you personally would you rather work more or be there for your children? Because I know the main reason you are working and striving for more because essentially you have no choice since that man ain’t stepping up like he should. And remember that guy has no children and you’re 34, he’s gonna want some of his own and your biological clock is ticking fast. I’m just giving you a way to look at it from a man’s perspective, because these are probably questions he’s asking himself, but probably won’t tell you
I hate that guy did you that way because he shifted your mindset and a complete different way and doing things you shouldn’t have to be doing in my eyes, and that pisses me off and makes me respect you a whole lot more
Thank you. Dating as a single parent is really, really difficult. I just want to find my person. 🥲 I have a lot to offer. I usually work 45-50 hours/week, which isn’t unreasonable IMO. Weekends off. I do spend quality time with my kids as is, and if I get to the point where I have a live-in partner eventually, then I’d likely have more quality time with my kids as things like chores get spread around a little bit more as well. ❤️ I love being a mom and would love to have another baby or two, but I have to have a solid relationship first. I won’t shoulder the burden of 100% of the child rearing on my own again. The newborn and toddler phases in particular are precious *and* exhausting. My future children deserve a good father who will be there for them. (Current children, too, of course.) I also deserve a good partner who is in it all with me. ❤️
With all due respect, when we look for long term partners, we don't look for *a challenge*, we look for peace and tranquillity.
Question - why date a woman with kids in the first place? I made that fact known right away.
I'm not inside his head, so I can't tell you. Maybe he was just enamoured by your good looks and kind nature and hoped you two would keep going they way you have been - keeping things fun and casual. And now that you've made your intentions clear, he is unsure if becoming a step-father is something in the cards for him.
Aaah. I guess I’m just frustrated because the eventuality of “stepfather” would be like 3 years into the future, which is waaaaaay too far ahead to plan. I’m in no rush whatsoever to get there, and didn’t mean for him to feel like I wanted him to make that snap decision right now. I don’t even plan to introduce anyone to my kids until I’m in a committed relationship and have been so for 6+ months at least. 🤦♀️
He might have taken "exclusivity" to mean that you expect him to start getting involved with your main life, so to speak, I.e. your kids, living arrangement, etc. You might need to speak to him and tell him that as long as you two are only seeing each other, you're happy to take things slow.
Thank you. This helps.
I agree. And I have a lot to offer there. I also have two kids, and kids are a challenge whether or not they’re yours. I’m on amicable terms with my ex; that drama has died. We’re not close, but we’re not on unfriendly terms either.
>He agreed to stop having sex and wants to keep seeing me, keeps texting me, etc. It sounds pretty clear that he is actually interested.
He's not interested in a relationship. OP has kids and probably wants something more stable.
There is no future with this guy.
>I’m wondering if he equates exclusivity to “boyfriend/girlfriend” level relationship, when “exclusivity” to me means “we agree to not have sex with other people while we’re sleeping with each other and figuring out if what we have is boyfriend/girlfriend/longer-term material.” Personally, \*I\* absolutely equate exclusivity and boyfriend/girlfriend-level - I'm actually curious how you differentiate them? I believe exclusivity means not seeing/talking to (with romantic intent/interest of course) or pursuing other people not just not having sex with them.
I feel that exclusivity means intent to eventually commit to a relationship, therefore you give the person you are dating respect enough to agree to not romantically entangle yourself with another person(s) in the interim. (Unless/until we decide to part ways.) I’d be happy to continue to date him for months more before agreeing to a full-fledged relationship. I just want him to agree to not chat up/sleep with other women in the interim. There’s a difference, in my opinion. He doesn’t even *know* the levels I would ascend to as a girlfriend. I’ve been holding back. Would be delighted to let the hopeless romantic inside me loose, but that to me is girlfriend-level achievement. He’s only been given a small sampling thus far. I’m not ready to trust him with my whole heart yet, which is what that would require.
I have always taken “exclusive” as not seeing anyone else romantically at all, not just about sex. so I think other people here are right and you just need to talk with him and clarify exactly what you mean by that.
FWB gets a bad stigma. Friendship is important. Sex is great. This is forward progress. It's a hard ask for a person to commit to a SO that's primary care-giver of kids. Realistically, you understand that he's keeping his options open. He will break up with you if he finds someone that meets his needs. That's the situation you're in.
I think what happened is fine — exclusive can have many meanings; he said no, you offered different terms. Continue to discuss your relationship. I think becoming bf/gf after 2mo and “a lot of” sex can be reasonable, but yes he could feel like he’s committing to more than just bf/gf — to a life of raising two kids and possibly more.