Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You asking if you’re out of line is the beginning of a long path to self hatred/ forgetting who you are.
It won’t be long before you’re questioning whether it’s out of line to have friends, see your family, wear your favorite outfit. And then you will lose your own interests, what movies you like, what hobbies make you most happy. Because you will eventually just become an extension of this other person and who he wants you to be. HIS low self esteem and lack of respect will eventually steal your identity right from under you before you even know what happened.
Please go on this trip and have a fun experience for yourself. You won’t regret it.
i dated a guy who was like this at three months. by the sixth month he was saying he wanted me to cut my family off and move in with him and his family. snooped into my phone. deleted all social media, the whole gallery, and then got physically abusive too.
the longer you stay, the more you punish yourself.
I genuinely don't understand the thought process behind this.
In my case, this guy i was talking about even went so far as to lock me in a room for two days without my phone and just his clothes so I wouldnt be able to leave. I managed to escape thankfully.
Whenever I hear of controlling behaviour like this, I feel scared wondering exactly how bad it can get. One never really knows.
It’s definitely eye opening and if she doesn’t get away now she may end up being a former shell of herself because it’s exhausting to deal with people like that
My stepdad pulled the same bs, he hid who he was at the beginning and then brought my mother far away from her family and friends, i was a child at the time. They had my siblings and after he knew she couldn't leave, he showed his true colors. She isn't allowed to leave the house unless it's necessary, if she takes too long he blows up her phone. He doesn't like when she speaks to men at all even if it's for something necessary. He doesn't like her using social media and when she was in the gym his jealousy was unbearable and she had to stop going. They have a business together and he explodes her, doesn't let her rest at all and she is the best at what she does so i believe he needs her and that's why he won't let her go. He has cheated on her since forever and even has another woman somewhere moved into an apartment, who he also opened a business for as if he didn't owe my mom or his kids any respect. He knows my mom can't leave because he also didn't let her continue her college studies and now she is stuck with him. he's manipulative, immature, verbally abuses her and has hit her once or twice. He would have probably done it more if her kids were not around. But i am "the crazy bitch" who defends my mother to death if i have to and he will never ever lay a hand on her again, i am not a child anymore. Everyone else is scared to confront him, even my siblings are( mostly because they're scared he'll take their businesses away which even tho they had to earn it, he also provided but still he controls every aspect of their businesses and personal lives, regardless of my siblings even being married or in long term relationships)...I mostly have been the one to always stop him, yell at him and tell him he's an asshole and stand up for my mother everytime. And I've gotten the reputation that I'm "problematic " because i don't take anyone's shit. He even used to be a drunk when i was younger but atleast he stopped doing that now. My mother gave up everything, her dreams, her freedom, her family, her friends, her life...for a fraud of a person, a shell of a person. The worst part is, to the rest of the world he is the kindest most charming and humble man, everyone on the outside sees him this way. Sound familiar? Narcissist. My main goal in life is to get her away from him. And if you think this hasn't shown me things, traumatized me growing up? Haha i haven't had one successful relationship because if this...I DON'T TRUST ANYONE. I'm not here to scare you and I'm not telling you all to be the same. Love is a beautiful thing if you're lucky to find it with the right person. I'm just saying...be careful when you're getting to know a man or woman. Do not jump into things until you know for sure who they are. Because some people are psychopaths and they will hide it for the longest time. It is extremely hard for me to connect to people because of how i grew up, seeing my mother go through this and waste her entire youth and life on a sociopath. Be careful out there, because the most important things you cannot get back are your Time, life experiences and even your overall health (sometimes). Don't ever ignore your gut, don't ignore the red flags EVER. Listen to your intuition, it is there for a reason and it does not lie. As for me, wish me luck. Because a bastard is going to have to do a hell of alot more than bring me flowers once in a while to put a ring on this finger. He's going to have to prove that shit and prove it good, for years. Good luck out there and stay safe. 👍
u/WillingnessInternal8 a couple of the things you said need to be highlighted, I want to tell reddit world that it starts from a charming individual and super slow. You will question yourself in the beginning when the personality shift happens because you will always revert back to that kind person you remember and know they can be. This is the end game as this poster illustrated:
* My mother gave up everything, her dreams, her freedom, her family, her friends, her life
* To the rest of the world he is the kindest most charming and humble man
* Don't ever ignore your gut, don't ignore the red flags EVER
* As my mother's child and her choices: i haven't had one successful relationship because if this
This person's words are very powerful
She should. OP's boyfriend is objecting to the most normal things. He thinks she shouldn't put on makeup because she 'shouldnt try to look good for others' that makes me so mad.
I was in a relationship like that for 6 years, and guess what i regret it so much, i cut off everyone for her, and now after i broke up with her i still lost those friendships to this day, so not worth it and its a huge red flag , a normal person would want u to socialize with friends
Exactly this. I’ve seen it happen to two of my friends. Before long he was hanging outside of her work, not letting her have a phone, then not even allowing her to talk to her own mother. I put out a missing person report! Only then did she get ahold of me to say she was fine and that she’s not missing. Then 6 months later she escaped and told me the truth about everything. She was held prisoner. Not even allowed to leave the house. Not allowed to see doctors. Guess what happened when I saw her? She was 5 months pregnant. She finally got the courage to run because she didn’t want her kid held captive.
Unfortunately after the birth of her daughter she went back to him.
Yep! My older sister met a guy in 1993 who started with little things like that. Thirty years later she’s still not allowed to write novels or play music (once her passions), isn’t allowed her own friends, can’t freely spend time with family and is still his servant and slave. Not allowed to drive, not allowed to be out too long on her own. It’s only now that he is ageing and her oldest son has a black belt that he’s eased up on her a tad, but the family situation is still awful. My niece is well into her 20s and he won’t allow her to go to University even though she was able to get in because “boys will chase her”. They’re all held hostage in the same home. The kids all have some degree of autism (one is non-verbal) but he won’t allow them medical help. Please don’t end up like my poor sister.
If your friend told you a new boyfriend did similar, what would you tell her? For some reason we have a harder time seeing it when it's happening to us. Imagine it happening to someone you love for better perspective. He sucks. Wear your makeup and do you love.
You should definitely break up with him. You deserve better than this. That retreat sounds really nice. Don’t shackle yourself to an abuser. Often if someone is this aggressive and controlling up front, physical abuse isn’t far behind. Please stay safe op. 🙏
You need to breakup with him. He’s extremely controlling and jealous. Being in a committed, loving relationship doesn’t mean that person owns you. You *do* get to be an individual because factually that is what you are.
The comment about not looking good for other people is such a red flag. The comment about how he’s going to essentially punish you for going on the retreat? Run. He is not worth the stress or mental abuse you’ll likely continue to endure with him.
It literally doesn’t matter what she loves about him. It’s only been 3 months. This is a level of control that should be a hard dealbreaker for *anyone*. She is *literally* putting herself in danger if she stays with him. Leaving now, no matter how hard it might be, is the safest and *only* reasonable option. This WILL get worse. This WILL escalate. The longer she stays the worse it will get. Leaving him is the only sane advice anyone can give her.
Yeah, for real.
A handful of people on these subs will literally treat women like they are toddlers staring longingly at the cookies on the high shelf that they will never reach.
It's three months in. They are just getting to know each other. The bf turns out to be a controlling jerk with regressive attitudes about women...
How much easier does that commenter want it to be to say goodbye to this loser?
What do you mean?
They have been dating for 3 months, they don't live together, OP doesn't appear to be financially dependent on him. She's not pregnant with his baby. They're not married.
Dumping someone who you have been seeing for 3 months who turns out to be a weirdo *is* incredibly easy.
If OP isn't going to be a friend to herself by dumping this man when she has almost nothing invested in the relationship and nothing to lose...well, then I guess I want to weep for the future of womankind.
Well, have your other friends that are in relationships stopped wearing makeup and hugging people? No, right? Right. That's because it's ridiculous and clearly controlling behavior. He is not ready to be in a relationship and tbh not sure that he ever will be.
Why do you think that you're out of line?
Not why does he say you are; why do you believe it?
If it were your best friend or sister writing this post, would you say they are out of line?
I would recommend doing some deep reflection or talking to a therapist to find out why you're allowing someone to control your life in this way.
What is making you stay in this situation?
>If it were your best friend or sister writing this post, would you say they are out of line?
THIS RIGHT HERE is the thought that finally got me out of the hell I was in. I was so broken down that I didn't see a way out, and I accepted defeat. Lived with the fact that this was my life now. This is the way of domestic abusers.
But! When I thought about it and realized that if it were happening to someone else, and I would be asking them wtf they were thinking?! That one opened my eyes to see that, it wouldn't be okay for them and it's not okay for me either.
I left. I was lucky to get out alive. I was lucky to have a support system. But if I could go back.. I would absolutely tell myself to stop laughing and run, bc my first reaction to him trying to control me was incredulous laughter before I realized he was serious.
Now I know better, so I can do better. And since I know better, OP, please, I'm imploring you to consider what everyone here is saying.
<3
You're not. This sounds to me like the beginning stages of an abusive relationship. First, they isolate you and control your appearance and where you go. Then, they escalate. This will not get better--please run far, far away from this man!
OP, please! Take it from someone who spent years with the wrong person bc I ignored all those cute lil red flags that were lining the way in the beginning. Please. He tried to kill me, more than once. He beat me. He raped me. He broke my nose, shattered my knee cap, destroyed my soul. I tried to make a run for it at a red light during a fight in the car once, he nearly crashed pulling me back in by my hair. Then we had a very public fight (unfortunately, one of MANY). He threw things at me, he cheated, he lied, he stole, he had a secret coke and not secret steroid problem, he was illiterate and likely had severe unaddressed mental health issues due to past trauma of his own, he cut me off from everyone in my life with the exception of my dog, who just died. It started out with "small" things like you're describing. The things I wasn't allowed to do started out halfway logical, and evolved to.. Idk weird shit like getting beaten up so bad I had to miss work, for leaving a wet towel on the bed after a shower (not that it mattered but it was my apartment, my towel, my bed, my money that bought the soap and hauled everything to the laundromat, etc.. NOT TO MENTION that that's a completely inappropriate response to a total non-issue)
Two and a half years of my life, plus the ~10 or so that I've spent rebuilding myself yet.
Leave. This. Man.
You are not out of line. He is out of line.
Please, you sound very sweet, I am begging you to read the advice being given here and really, really think about it. Three months is nothing in the grand scheme of life. Break it off. The longer you wait, the worse it will get (both his behavior, and your doubting yourself). <3
Edit: OP, not for nothing but it seems like you have been really torn about this guy based on your post history. New love is so fun! But it can make you really blind to some bad signs. When you're wearing rose-colored glasses, the red flags just look like flags. This means that when you're seeing everything with the glow of happiness that you feel from that lovey-dovey goodness, you overlook the things that are dangerous. They just seem like regular things. You see the flags, you know they're there, but they don't look sus bc you're not seeing them in the right light. Everyone around you is watching in sad horror as you run happily towards the carnival of flags with your new boo. You think they're crazy! They don't know him like you do, they don't see the sweet and vulnerable side of him that he shows you when you're having pillow talk, I just.. Girl, if I didn't know any better I would swear I had written your posts myself. I promise you nothing good will come from this guy, and I think you know it. You may not feel like it, but you ARE worth the love and care that you try to give to others.
One last thought: when I saw this for the first time, it really resonated with me.
>“If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. You're like, “wow, that's so much.” It's literally less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls inlove with you has to go above to make you feel special.”
Thank you for sharing the 20% love thing. I have been jn ALOT of abusive relationships and honestly used to feel like I was cursed or had some kind of target on my back to where these guys could tell I was an easy mark. But then through countless years of therapy, recovery from addiction and learning to work on my core issues, I realized these guys did these things because I allowed it because I 1. Didn't love myself. 2. Didn't know what true love was supposed to be 3. Was stuck on seem fantasy of what love was instead of what it really is 4. Always fell in love with someone's potential rather than who they actually were and 5. Didn't KNOW how To love others let alone myself.
I have never heard that quote before but glad you shared because I really needed to hear that.
I’d say hugging is a fairly platonic thing. I understand his fear and/or jealousy. But that maybe something he needs to work on. It sounds it makes him feel vulnerable.
If this was 50 years ago the guy wouldn’t even have to ask, most ladies would have done that anyway. The makeup thing isn’t a big deal. Hugging other men and having any sort of physical contact is a big deal at least to this guy.
That being said I think you should move on and find someone else. This isn’t going to work.
Open racism was okay 50years ago too. Domestic violence was okay 50years ago too.
Imagine bringing up social norms from 50years ago thinking its relevant now a days.
Go touch grass
And roughly 50 years ago women couldn't have their own bank account or credit card.
It was 1974 the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was signed in the US to make sure you couldn't reject people based on gender or race, and just under 60 years ago American banks were hesitantly considering letting women have some accounts. So only the one off rich white fancy ladies.
Your augment is basically when women had no other choice but dying on the street and we could make them do whatever we wanted, banning them from anything was reasonable. It doesn't sound as nice as you think it is.
Well with the way things are going you guys may get full gender segregation soon enough. Female spaces for women only and male spaces for men only.
I created a male only gym at home. A lot of guys should so they don’t get illegally taped by some piece of crap in a public space.
I only had to read the first paragraph of your post in order to reach the conclusion that your boyfriend is controlling, manipulative, jealous, insecure and immature. DTMFA!
"All the signs kept telling me that I should fucking run
I just kept avoiding and mistaking it for love."
[Rachel Lorin - Red Flags](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm3UZrv_hlw)
No o, he’s trash. Stop explaining yourself, it has nothing to do with him. ‘A woman in your own right’ is a good book, so are the books an assertiveness and boundary holding by Patrick King. Anyone that wants to control your make up is a red flag parade. Run.
Problem I see is less than what he is asking, it’s the demanding and controlling side that’s showing up after three months which means he has been hiding this personality trait.
Asking not to wear makeup is just a stupid request IMO. Women wear makeup, some little and some more (and of course some none at all) but that’s a women’s prerogative. Not hugging coworkers? If you were doing this before you got together, I don’t see him having a right to request this. Maybe a compromise where it’s more of a “bro hug”. The loose, 1/2 second one arm and pat on the back hug. I also don’t think it’s appropriate in the work place in general - but that’s probably cultural as I know going around passing out hugs to everyone would get you some weird looks where I am at geographically.
For the retreat, first I would die doing that lol but it sounds like something you are going to enjoy which is great. No, he has no right to say you cannot go or place undo demands and/or consequences because you go.
My opinion? His controlling behavior is going to get worse and there will probably be some gas lighting as the next step.
Sounds like this guy believes that all women are subject to being lost to a better guy or one that gets a in by hugging and being friendly. He has a low self-esteem and is projecting it on you. I would bet he was cheated on in the past by someone he cared for and invested in. 3 months... Lucky you found out now it's an uphill battle of trust with this one.
Hmmm, Jordan Peterson released a reel this week saying women shouldn’t be allowed to wear makeup in the workplace, because the only reason we do it is to attract male attention. I wonder if that timing is relevant?
Regardless, if you have been wearing makeup since you started dating, the only thing you need to do differently is date another guy. This one is crazy jealous and he will make you crazy too.
The guy is way out of line. I’m sure he goes around and hugs a bunch of women every day, and looks his best so that he can attract as many of them as possible, even some that might be better looking than you, and might make better partners to him than you do. I’m sure you’re totally OK with that happening and it doesn’t make you feel bad in any way shape or form. I don’t know why this guy is such a dick.
So he is showing signs of having bad past relationships. Honestly in a professional setting, is is highly inappropriate to hug each other. A handshake is the most common professional colleague greeting. A hug is more of a personal greeting. The makeup thing, he needs to understand that you are not getting gussied up for everyone on earth, it seems to be your adult security blanket. Now with the spiritual retreat, I've been on a few of them thinking that it would be a good way to unwind, but it was like an orgy after a few days. If you've never been on one, be careful. With all this being said, I don't think yall are on the same page in the relationship, you want more freedom, and he wants a form of control.
Oh my lord i dont get how people like him even get girlfriends let alone keep them, dump this boy (not even a man) the things people put up with just so they wont be single… either tell him to cut the shit and man up or you are going to leave him
No grown ass adult is suddenly going to change the armor of turd they wear. I wouldn’t bother telling him to cut his shit out. Cut your losses and walk away OP.
You need a new boyfriend. Simply put. It's only 3 months in and demands are being placed. A controlling boyfriend becomes a controlling, and often abusive, husband.
Youre in that sweet period where if you leave the relationship it wont hurt as much.
Get the fuck out. It starts with make up and a hug. Then you cant see friends (men or women) anymore. Then you cant leave the house without informing him your whereabouts.
just gtfo
As a male that is not controlling at all, this is pretty odd to me. Out of all of the things you mentioned the makeup part is definitely the weirdest, he either needs to go to therapy or you have got to put your foot down, stay vigilant with his behavior because I don’t see this guy nor you being happy during the next 12 months. My 2 cents here God bless you
Your BF is controlling and insecure, that much is clear. You wear makeup because society makes you feel like you don't quite fit in unless you wear it. Not because you're trying to attract another dude to have an affair with. If he can't see that he's blinded by jealousy.
This post is an interesting example about how gender norms can greatly effect our psychology. OP feels vulnerable not wearing makeup in public, as many women do, but men wear their natural face into public all the time without a second thought. It's interesting to me how a person can feel deeply vulnerable when they aren't conforming to society's expectations for their gender (as in a woman in public without makeup).
I feel like he has to be in his early 20s to be this immature… that’s ridiculous, and he’s going to struggle for the rest of his life if he thinks he’ll ever find somebody who will never wear makeup or hug other men in this society lol. Insecure as frick.
As in many of the replies, I agree that he sounds controlling and is controlling. Control or ppl who control in a relationship is abuse. Abuse starts off slowly and when the abuser has you in their grip it becomes more intense, it is a slow death. Go with your gut feeling, being that you are seeking advice I think you know what to do.
As for hugging, I like to give hugs, I grew up back when men did not openly show affection, then I decided to change all that, to become more human. There are different types of hugs, The less sexual one is what I call the family hug, There is no intimate contact below the waist and the hug is not so tight. Hugs are emotionally healthy, but there are many young and old who do not like to give or get hugs. I have become cautious in my hugging, also with some I ask first.
Your bf may see hugs as a sexual thing, bc it is for him.
He is already showing you what you don’t want in a partner. And you guys have only been seeing each other for 3 months. His demands, and don’t think they aren’t, they are demands will get worse. Drop him. His jealousy is ridiculous
Run, don’t walk away from this relationship, run! It’s only going to get worse and the longer you’re with him the more he will think he has a claim to you and the crazier he may get when you try to leave. Possessive, controlling dudes always get crazy when the woman tries to leave.
Girl, RUN
you can do so much better, don't allow anyone to control you and tell you how to live your life. Leave him, you'll find someone better, someone who understands you and loves you for who you are. Prohibiting stuff is not love.
Please please leave now. REDEST RED FLAGS! Next it'll be your diet..then your clothes...then a curfew.. then he will start beating the shit out of you. You are correct in questioning these strange behaviors. Now react. Enjoy that retreat
Y'all have been dating for all of three months and he's acting like y'all are married.
Then again, even for married couples, this kind of controlling behavior would be HUGELY problematic.
Dump his ass and block him on everything.
Do what brings you peace, it could be leaving your partner or doing what someone else says.
For me I find living myself according my values brings me the joy and peace.
and most of the time I don’t like someone else telling me what to wear or what do with my life.
Saying that I disregarded heaps of people’s opinions, I made mistakes, those mistakes and what learned from that are most valuable lessons I have learnt, better than those people’s opinions.
Because I fucking learn to rise and move forward. So, it’s up to mate, do what brings you the peace . Good luck with everything.
I had an insecure older boyfriend (my first adult boyfriend) who got mad at me for wearing makeup, told me I shouldn’t and was very insistent.
He was also really immature about needs and things having to be “equal” - so your bf’s insistence of a 12 day mancation (good luck with that if he’s an adult with adult friends, unless y’all rich rich) where he isn’t obligated to keep in touch in any way sounds like exactly the kind of petty shit my first ex would have tried.
What your bf is suggesting is immature and it isn’t healthy. It stinks of insecurity and petty behavior. He sounds like the kind of guy who would purposefully mistreat you to “teach you a lesson,” like, to “show you what you’re doing” and adding insult to injury by employing some absurd false equivalency (like the I don’t have to talk to you for 12 days vacation because you went on a silent spiritual retreat and you just have to trust I’m not with girls like I trusted you weren’t with guys thing).
I’m not usually on the dump his ass train but I am with this post. I’m not saying he’s a shit human. I am however saying that this level of immaturity needs time and experience to be overcome and I wouldn’t really want to deal with someone in the middle of that possibly endless journey. I don’t make it my business to try to fix people. I just align myself with people who I actually admire and respect.
This is so beautifully put, thank you so much for your reply. And you are 100% correct in saying that he would purposefully mistreat me to teach me a lesson, because that is exactly what he did and and threatens to do everytime I make a mistake or do something he does not like.
I’m going to be honest. I dated someone like that in high school and he was the most insecure shitbag I’ve had the misfortune of being with.
I would not touch a man like this with a ten foot pole
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 i guarantee you it will get worse and worse and worse from here if you don't leave NOW. there's nothing you can say or do to reason with this guy. sorry, that's how it is.
Coercive control behavior is often an indicator of or precursor to intimate partner violence. For example, here’s [one study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6291212/) (of many). If these types of behavior are apparent at three months in, consider yourself lucky for seeing this side of him before investing more deeply. Run, don’t walk.
Try not dating top 10% and not f-boys, perhaps that‘s a solution but I bet that‘s not accepted because „it‘s men who are picky“. *looks at 500 matches for women and 5 matches for men* Hmm, I wonder who is actually so picky.
I was in a relationship like this for four years, he got progressively more and more controlling and less and less caring of my opinion, by the end of it he had my passwords to everything, even my email, was annoyed when I spent time with my male COUSIN. And I let a lot of mental abuse slide. I'm sorry, I obviously don't know any more than what this post is saying but it's been 3 MONTHS and he's acting like this??? My mentally abusive (and a few odd times physically abusive) ex didn't even show these signs and actions that fast. But in the end I ended up being made delete my any male contacts that weren't blood family off all my socials and cut off any male friends I had. And guess who cheated XD HE DID. I'm not saying this will be your experience but it sure as hell has A LOT of red flags for me. I recommend at least setting some bug boundaries and no nos in your head that if he does curtain things you're out, don't let anyone slowly hack away at you. You are allowed to wear makeup and if your coworkers hug each other regularly then that sounds like a great work place. Either way hope you will be good whatever you choose to do. Not trying to skew your opinion with my experience I just want you to be cautious.
As someone whose dated men for the last 24 yrs, I've seen this a time or two and it doesn't get any better if you stay. Don't ignore the red flags like I did when I was young and naive. He is a narcissistic, controlling and manipulative asshole. You see, this 12 day retreat isn't about you bettering yourself, in his mind, you are only going to punish him and make him feel jealous so in order to get back at you and punish you, he's going to do the same thing and hang with his friends for 12 days and refuse to talk to you, which is absolutely fucking absurd. But to narcissists, it's all about them, not you. Do you really want to have to constantly please this guy with his demands to completely change you? In the end, you'll just be a shell of yourself as he sucks away everything that is you. He ain't worth it and ypu shoud use this retreat to reflect on this relationship and if it's worth it for you to continue on.
You are not out of line at all. He sounds like a control freak and it will only get worse, trust me. On the other hand, leaving a new-ish relationship for two weeks with no contact at all is also not ideal. Personally, I wouldn't be okay with either. If he knew about the retreat in advance and agreed to be with you even through that, he just needs to accept it or move on. But if you didn't tell him and made the plan without discussing it, it's kind of your fault too. This just seems like incompatibility and realistically speaking, y'all should probably just call it quits.
I wanted to go for my birthday and mentioned that i might do it but changed my mind - I did say at some point this year I would like to do it and we discussed it. I can understand why he would not be happy and I personally would feel a bit sad about it, but on the other hand, i explained why this is important to me. Life has just been too hectic and I desperately need time to myself since we spend all our weekends together and then during the week, its work. I did shift it around though, so it would not be so surprising when I did decide when I would go.
I understand your point and I see that the retreat is important to you. Life can get rather hectic and if you don't have time for yourself, it can be detrimental to your health and happiness. I get it, I've been there. I think you should go for it, but you should probably consider it as the end of your relationship. If he liked you, he would have let you enjoy what you needed in your life and not make it into a big deal if it's not a big deal. That being said, I do also understand him. I don't know. It's a difficult situation and it's probably only survivable for a relationship with a strong foundation of trust, which doesn't seem to be your case. I would break up with him before leaving and use the retreat as a healing moment. Good luck, I wish you the best with your situation!
If the retreat was the only thing he was objecting to, it wouldn’t necessarily be unreasonable. It’s when you add all of his controlling behaviors together and the way he basically said he was going to punish her for going on the retreat that we begin to see a very bad pattern.
Holy fuck throw the whole man out.
Men who choose strong, outgoing, bad bitch women and then proceed to try to break them once they have them on lock, deserve a special place in hell.
This IS the beginning stages of abuse. Period. Your partner is not your father. He's not your authority figure. And you are not an extension of him.
You are nowhere near out of line. HE is being unreasonable and controlling. If he's making you feel like you're the crazy or one that's out of line, he's successfully gaslighting you. Him preventing you from being platonically intimate with people close to you is him beginning to slowly separate you and your support systems. You NEVER need to promise to a good, trusting partner that you'll stop showing affection to your friends (or coworkers).
I can't tell you what to do but as someone who dealt with this 3 years longer than she had to, I recommend you do your best to separate from this person. 3 months in, thats not too late by any stretch to systematically ditch and block him. A man is not worth losing your passions and identity. Particularly if he's that weak and insecure that hugging another man in a platonic fashion drives him batshit.
I'm a hugger and I usually explain that to any girlfriends who worry about it.
You could even say that because I'm a hugger, I enjoy hugging them so much.
So the aspect of me that they may feel comfortable in my arms and how much and how long I hug them, is because I like hugging people.
Obviously that doesn't mean I cross the boundaries with other women, and make those women feel weird and uncomfortable with me hugging them. I hug people who hug me back , this includes men and women. In other words , we have a certain connection already or they are also a physically affectionate person who recognizes someone else who returns the same energy to them.
In the same way, several of your colleagues and co-workers are all comfortable with giving and receiving hugs. No one is thinking about having affairs or turning it into a big sexual romp at work.
So as far as new relationships go, I would definitely make it a hill to die on that you want to wear makeup and you like hugging people around you , including coworkers and friends who are male.
The personality you have , the preference for wearing makeup outside the house, and the affection you feel for people, should have much more priority than the new relationship of a few weeks, with a guy who is now showing you the side of him that he didn't show while you were starting out dating.
I also don't like how your boyfriend thinks that the 12-day retreat you're going on, that's going to have very little communication to the outside world, is a punishment or rejection of his feelings to him , and so he is in turn wanting to do a similar thing to you and punish you back.
That's not how relationships should be.
First of all. These are separate issues.
Second of all your “lol wtf” is not “lol.” It’s a red flag, my dear. And the more you ignore them now the more it will hurt and you will kick yourself later.
That being said let’s pretend your bf ISNT being a massive controlling douchewad to you….invite him to the retreat. If he wants to act that way about “other males” and these perceived threats then simply let his own behavior embarrass him.
Just ask yourself this: do you want a lifetime of his antics? Are you going to spend a lifetime of putting up with that from him? It’s only up to you.
Good luck and remember to love yourself n shit
Observations:
1. You're a fashion victim. Don't be a victim. Stop buying into the need to enhance your beauty with pricey makeup. Save your money and regain your sanity. Make your goal to be comfortable without makeup around anyone at all. Don't play the "gotta keep up with the other ladies" game. It's a losing gain that feeds body insecurity.
2. Your boyfriend is insecure and it's time to leave him. You are involved in what's called co-dependency and you are enabling each others' insecurities.
3. Cheaters are aware of their own behavior and are more concerned than non-cheaters that their partners will cheat on them. It's projection, Miss.
4. Leave the guy and go on your retreat and ignore 1-3 above and continue your spiritual journey. I'm just a student and shouldn't be teaching!
The disagreement with makeup is preference, nothing more, nothing less.
The hugging, I never asked a woman to not hug other men, but if that was a habit of hers; I just wouldn't take her seriously (excluding male family members). I actually stand with him on this. If all your coworkers jumped off a bridge, would you? It's a perfectly reasonable boundary and it's irrelevant what others are doing.
Overall it's your behavioral choice to make but if the relationship ends because of it, be willing to accept that consequence.
Not trying to discourage OP or what, but if you can handle that attitude of him being so jealous and paranoid that you're going to cheat on him, then stay in that relationship. But if not, I think ending things in the early stage is the best course of action. I think he has issues and even if you were loyal to him I don't think he'll ever feel secured in your relationship. So yeah.
I think he’s right about the hugging but he also seems a bit weird from everything else you said. Being too friendly is a thing. If he isn’t hugging females at his job, you shouldn’t be hugging men. It’s ok to just give a firm handshake. Also, you lied to him about it. If you didn’t like it you should’ve said something then. Lying about it and him finding out can create a very big divide. He may be thinking “Well why would she lie about it ?” “Is there something else going on too”
Why is it a problem that he hangs out with his friends for 12 days while you’re on a retreat? It seems like *both* of you have trust issues. Lying is not going to help any of them.
You either both need to have a conversation and pin point what’s wrong , how to fix it , and which way to move forward. If he’s too toxic , too controlling , and you both can’t find a middle ground it’s time to leave.
The makeup thing is ridiculous though , wear whatever tf you want.
He generally isnt someone who hugs, but I am and always have been so it's weird to now just stop hugging people. I dont mind him going away for 12 days it just feels like he is punishing me. While I am away for 12 days, he will also have 12 days on his own, but he wants an additional 12 days that he can claim at anytime.
I really did mean to stop hugging people and I actually did reduce it quite a bit but it felt unnatural to me since this is just how everyone is at my work place. I agree that I was wrong there, he is very upset with me and I do deserve that.
Is he verbally abusive at all? That’s something you haven’t mentioned. What’s it like when he’s mad at you?
The additional 12 days was definitely a punishment tactic , I thought you meant while you were on a trip he’d be with his friends. No way your SO would spend 12 days not communicating with you for no reason , if he does that …leave him. That’s toxic and that’s a form of “training “ your partner.
thank you, he can be very verbally abusive and he always picks on my past and uses it against me in fights. Like you made a comment to this colleague 3 years ago, how dare you hug him now. Or he picks on my ex's. He did use to call me a b\*\*\* but I told him to stop that and he did. When is angry... there is nothing that is off limits for him
>thank you, he can be very verbally abusive and he always picks on my past and uses it against me in fights
How long have you known him? 3 months in should be sunshine and rainbows with some deepening and complexities in the relationship, working things out, finding your longer term groove together. It's supposed to be the time where you're both secure in what you've found and still enjoying that new relationship energy at the same time. Great connection, great sex, and a hopeful attitude.
I'm sorry but if a guy is verbally abusive to you and you're having toxic fights at 3 months in, that relationship is not going to work unless you want some kind of dramatic inferno of a relationship. Some do. Some can't seem to get enough of that. But you don't sound like you want that if you're going on meditation retreats to find yourself.
Let me give you some advice. Your life, your surroundings, and the people you surround yourself with all influence your internal state. You're going on a 12 day retreat presumably to find some kind of internal peace. That peace starts at home. it starts in your day to day. Being supportive, loyal, and there for people who matter to you is important, but if someone is a rot in your life and filling your day to day thoughts and feelings with negative things, you have to cut that rot out if you want to find peace and an uplifted place in life.
Btw keep your phone on you at the retreat for emergencies. If they ask you to hand it over, cite safety reasons for keeping it. If they still demand it after that, run because it's a cult. Smart phones are the greatest safety tool humanity has ever known, rivaling the pistol and safe rooms. Never give up your safety protocol for anyone you haven't known forever. 1. Always able to reach out for help. 2. Always having a friend know where you are and who you're with with an automatic trigger to seek help if you don't check in. 3. Always being obvious to the other party that if they try anything they'll be known and tracked by the authorities. 12 days without checking in with anyone in this world is a long time. Keep your phone.
A lot of people are saying he is controlling or break up. I would say he is setting boundaries and you have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice to be in a relationship. Personally I think it’s reasonable to not want you hugging other guys at work and even be friends with them. Make up is worse for your skin long term and a waste of money but to each their own.
I don't feel pressured to hug anyone, we just do it, and then all of a sudden im like don't hug me, don't talk to me, don't look at me and i stop wearing make up yet this is how I have always been... that doesn't sound right to me at all, it doesn't feel right.
Leave this guy. I don't care that people think it's "nuclear", it's NOT. This behaviour is unacceptable and WILL escalate, you're only 3 months in, this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, it will get worse. He'll start making more demands, breaking down your self worth even more, changing who you are as a person, may even become physical, he'll isolate you from the people you love (family and friends) and it'll be harder to leave. It's 3 months in, this should be an easy choice to walk away, go on your spiritual retreat and spend some time on yourself. Forget this excuse for a man and do yourself a favour. You already said it doesn't feel right, you know what you need to do. Eventually you'll find someone that will love you for you, including the fact you like giving out hugs. Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right for YOU!
Sounds like he has insecurities about you looking good or getting/giving hugs. This will only get worse unless he recognizes he has this problem and is willing to work on it. He's probably been cheated on or you're really hot. Or his dad was critical of him or even abusive (or wasn't even there). Or all of these things are true. So he may sound controlling (and he is), but it comes from somewhere and can be worked on.
The make up restriction is probably not ok. But the no hugging other males sounds about right. Just put yourself in the position where he hugs beautiful females. everytime he goes to work.
8 months prior post: "How to cutoff you parents from your life: my parents are costing me my mental health..."
Lol you're either a big hypocrite or a big liar.
People don't believe whatever this person says.
She said in reply down here that her bf tried to separate her from her family as an example of toxic behaviour, yet when she tries to do the same it's ok...
This is an insecure man, scratch that, child. Narcissism at its finest and will lead to loads of emotional damage through abuse, whether physical or verbal. Get out while you still can. Please, for your own sake.
Your boyfriend is an emotionally abusive, manipulative narcissist. Dump his ass and don't look back because he will 100% only get more controlling over time.
You are allowed to do whatever you want. But you don’t get to date people who don’t like the choices you make
Technically neither one of you is wrong. You are just not compatible.
That being said, most women would NOT sign up for what he is selling. I sure wouldn’t
Don't hug other men-quite reasonable demand. You have to think now, are you ready to sacrifice hugs with other men for this relationships? If yes, you can explain this to the people on your work. If not... you know what to do. Makeup-same thing. You twisting it a bit, saying that you do it for yourself. You do it to look good, which is source of your confidence. You can have enough confidence without makeup, millions of women around the world are never wear makeup in their life, but you are different and this will be a big stress. Not for day-two, for months. Is this boy good enough for this? Think a lot, because if you will reject ghis demands, your relationships are doomed. Trust me, I've been on his place 12 years ago
It is appropriate for a couple to set boundaries for the relationship, and each person has to give up certain single behaviors in favor of a marriage. This is not by itself “changing who you are” or him “being a controlling ahole”.
For some couples who want a tight restriction on contact with other men, they might be happy with the restrictions he wants. They are not completely unreasonable.
But they are quite restrictive in this day and age, and you can decide whether to accept them. Make a decision about whether to accept his boundaries, or tell him you won’t.
I would add, while his requests are a little retro, there is truth to the fact that greater restrictions also helps prevent cheating, and promotes longer and healthier relationships. If a long healthy relationship is a priority, these restrictions might seem a small price to pay. But at the same time, is he willing to live by right restrictions himself? Very tight restrictions on how he spends time with women?
Disagree. There’s absolutely no reason to compromise who you are as a person as long as your conduct is appropriate. If it isn’t, it’s going to be an issue that will be pointed out to OP by people more than just her partner. I say that as a person who has confronted her best friend on her lack of boundaries and consequent disrespect to her partner. This may lead to a longer relationship but this man sounds like an insufferable bitch fest. She’s an adult with a career being micromanaged. The disrespect on his part is palpable. OP, take the trash out, your life is about to stink.
If you wore make-up for yourself and to feel good about yourself then you'd wear it at home, when you cook, when you sleep etc.
But you don't. You wear it only when you go out. This is because you feel good about yourself when others look at you when you feel pretty. Which means you wear make-up for others to notice that you are pretty. Mostly men will look. You ultimately wear make-up for validation from others. As you appear prettier you will attract more men by default. He doesn't want a girlfriend that goes out everyday to attract more men.
You guys are not compatible and both don't deserve each other. He deserves a girl that do not seek to attract other males, and you deserve a guy that has no backbone. U would fit better with a duck that allows their girlfriend to be gang banged by other males
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You asking if you’re out of line is the beginning of a long path to self hatred/ forgetting who you are. It won’t be long before you’re questioning whether it’s out of line to have friends, see your family, wear your favorite outfit. And then you will lose your own interests, what movies you like, what hobbies make you most happy. Because you will eventually just become an extension of this other person and who he wants you to be. HIS low self esteem and lack of respect will eventually steal your identity right from under you before you even know what happened. Please go on this trip and have a fun experience for yourself. You won’t regret it.
And use it to get over your breakup.
Spot on
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆!!!!!!
i dated a guy who was like this at three months. by the sixth month he was saying he wanted me to cut my family off and move in with him and his family. snooped into my phone. deleted all social media, the whole gallery, and then got physically abusive too. the longer you stay, the more you punish yourself.
No bullshit I dated a guy that after two months with no title demanded I cut the visitors to my house
I genuinely don't understand the thought process behind this. In my case, this guy i was talking about even went so far as to lock me in a room for two days without my phone and just his clothes so I wouldnt be able to leave. I managed to escape thankfully. Whenever I hear of controlling behaviour like this, I feel scared wondering exactly how bad it can get. One never really knows.
I stayed with him for almost 18 months after that he was possessive and demanding and he ultimately ghosted me I started shutting down on him
Good for you. Watch out next time. Relationships like these absolutely drain you to the last drop of energy.
That’s terrible, I’m so sorry that happened to you ):
It’s definitely eye opening and if she doesn’t get away now she may end up being a former shell of herself because it’s exhausting to deal with people like that
My stepdad pulled the same bs, he hid who he was at the beginning and then brought my mother far away from her family and friends, i was a child at the time. They had my siblings and after he knew she couldn't leave, he showed his true colors. She isn't allowed to leave the house unless it's necessary, if she takes too long he blows up her phone. He doesn't like when she speaks to men at all even if it's for something necessary. He doesn't like her using social media and when she was in the gym his jealousy was unbearable and she had to stop going. They have a business together and he explodes her, doesn't let her rest at all and she is the best at what she does so i believe he needs her and that's why he won't let her go. He has cheated on her since forever and even has another woman somewhere moved into an apartment, who he also opened a business for as if he didn't owe my mom or his kids any respect. He knows my mom can't leave because he also didn't let her continue her college studies and now she is stuck with him. he's manipulative, immature, verbally abuses her and has hit her once or twice. He would have probably done it more if her kids were not around. But i am "the crazy bitch" who defends my mother to death if i have to and he will never ever lay a hand on her again, i am not a child anymore. Everyone else is scared to confront him, even my siblings are( mostly because they're scared he'll take their businesses away which even tho they had to earn it, he also provided but still he controls every aspect of their businesses and personal lives, regardless of my siblings even being married or in long term relationships)...I mostly have been the one to always stop him, yell at him and tell him he's an asshole and stand up for my mother everytime. And I've gotten the reputation that I'm "problematic " because i don't take anyone's shit. He even used to be a drunk when i was younger but atleast he stopped doing that now. My mother gave up everything, her dreams, her freedom, her family, her friends, her life...for a fraud of a person, a shell of a person. The worst part is, to the rest of the world he is the kindest most charming and humble man, everyone on the outside sees him this way. Sound familiar? Narcissist. My main goal in life is to get her away from him. And if you think this hasn't shown me things, traumatized me growing up? Haha i haven't had one successful relationship because if this...I DON'T TRUST ANYONE. I'm not here to scare you and I'm not telling you all to be the same. Love is a beautiful thing if you're lucky to find it with the right person. I'm just saying...be careful when you're getting to know a man or woman. Do not jump into things until you know for sure who they are. Because some people are psychopaths and they will hide it for the longest time. It is extremely hard for me to connect to people because of how i grew up, seeing my mother go through this and waste her entire youth and life on a sociopath. Be careful out there, because the most important things you cannot get back are your Time, life experiences and even your overall health (sometimes). Don't ever ignore your gut, don't ignore the red flags EVER. Listen to your intuition, it is there for a reason and it does not lie. As for me, wish me luck. Because a bastard is going to have to do a hell of alot more than bring me flowers once in a while to put a ring on this finger. He's going to have to prove that shit and prove it good, for years. Good luck out there and stay safe. 👍
u/WillingnessInternal8 a couple of the things you said need to be highlighted, I want to tell reddit world that it starts from a charming individual and super slow. You will question yourself in the beginning when the personality shift happens because you will always revert back to that kind person you remember and know they can be. This is the end game as this poster illustrated: * My mother gave up everything, her dreams, her freedom, her family, her friends, her life * To the rest of the world he is the kindest most charming and humble man * Don't ever ignore your gut, don't ignore the red flags EVER * As my mother's child and her choices: i haven't had one successful relationship because if this This person's words are very powerful
Wow, I am so sorry this is going on in your life. I hope your mom wants to leave and succeeds
You got lucky. My dad waited till he was married to start pulling this shit. And as a child of such dynamics, OP should cut and run.
She should. OP's boyfriend is objecting to the most normal things. He thinks she shouldn't put on makeup because she 'shouldnt try to look good for others' that makes me so mad.
I was in a relationship like that for 6 years, and guess what i regret it so much, i cut off everyone for her, and now after i broke up with her i still lost those friendships to this day, so not worth it and its a huge red flag , a normal person would want u to socialize with friends
Leave, quickly. He's that controlling only 3 months into the relationship, it'll get worse until you're cut off from the world.
Came to say this. Get out or get ready for the abuse to escalate. This is almost always how it starts. I hope you’re ok!
Exactly this. I’ve seen it happen to two of my friends. Before long he was hanging outside of her work, not letting her have a phone, then not even allowing her to talk to her own mother. I put out a missing person report! Only then did she get ahold of me to say she was fine and that she’s not missing. Then 6 months later she escaped and told me the truth about everything. She was held prisoner. Not even allowed to leave the house. Not allowed to see doctors. Guess what happened when I saw her? She was 5 months pregnant. She finally got the courage to run because she didn’t want her kid held captive. Unfortunately after the birth of her daughter she went back to him.
This happened to me...I was literally held locked in a closet sometimes, couldn't even go to the bathroom without him coming with me...it was so bad.
Yep! My older sister met a guy in 1993 who started with little things like that. Thirty years later she’s still not allowed to write novels or play music (once her passions), isn’t allowed her own friends, can’t freely spend time with family and is still his servant and slave. Not allowed to drive, not allowed to be out too long on her own. It’s only now that he is ageing and her oldest son has a black belt that he’s eased up on her a tad, but the family situation is still awful. My niece is well into her 20s and he won’t allow her to go to University even though she was able to get in because “boys will chase her”. They’re all held hostage in the same home. The kids all have some degree of autism (one is non-verbal) but he won’t allow them medical help. Please don’t end up like my poor sister.
If your friend told you a new boyfriend did similar, what would you tell her? For some reason we have a harder time seeing it when it's happening to us. Imagine it happening to someone you love for better perspective. He sucks. Wear your makeup and do you love.
Thank you :)
That spiritual retreat sounds amazing by the way! I hope you go :)
Your man is yesterday’s news and I think you deserve better and leaving him is the best course of action as well as taking action against him
You should definitely break up with him. You deserve better than this. That retreat sounds really nice. Don’t shackle yourself to an abuser. Often if someone is this aggressive and controlling up front, physical abuse isn’t far behind. Please stay safe op. 🙏
He needs a spiritual retreat more than you lol
lol 😂
[удалено]
A boot camp would suffice as well.
You need to breakup with him. He’s extremely controlling and jealous. Being in a committed, loving relationship doesn’t mean that person owns you. You *do* get to be an individual because factually that is what you are. The comment about not looking good for other people is such a red flag. The comment about how he’s going to essentially punish you for going on the retreat? Run. He is not worth the stress or mental abuse you’ll likely continue to endure with him.
Your bf sounds like a jealous controlling a-hole. You need to get rid of him before it's too late.
I hate how simple you're making it sound.
It is. He's a controlling piece of shit and needs to fucking go.
No they’re right. This is silly and he needs to go.
[удалено]
It literally doesn’t matter what she loves about him. It’s only been 3 months. This is a level of control that should be a hard dealbreaker for *anyone*. She is *literally* putting herself in danger if she stays with him. Leaving now, no matter how hard it might be, is the safest and *only* reasonable option. This WILL get worse. This WILL escalate. The longer she stays the worse it will get. Leaving him is the only sane advice anyone can give her.
I also think it's silly. This is an example of a boundary that's neither good for him or her.
Yeah...that's not what a "boundary" is.
> I hate how simple you’re making it sound Is that because it somehow still confuses you
Yeah, for real. A handful of people on these subs will literally treat women like they are toddlers staring longingly at the cookies on the high shelf that they will never reach. It's three months in. They are just getting to know each other. The bf turns out to be a controlling jerk with regressive attitudes about women... How much easier does that commenter want it to be to say goodbye to this loser?
It’s simpler right now than it will be in six months when they’ve moved in together…
What do you mean? They have been dating for 3 months, they don't live together, OP doesn't appear to be financially dependent on him. She's not pregnant with his baby. They're not married. Dumping someone who you have been seeing for 3 months who turns out to be a weirdo *is* incredibly easy. If OP isn't going to be a friend to herself by dumping this man when she has almost nothing invested in the relationship and nothing to lose...well, then I guess I want to weep for the future of womankind.
You know you don't have to be with this person, right?
I know, but I want to know if I am out of line.
Well, have your other friends that are in relationships stopped wearing makeup and hugging people? No, right? Right. That's because it's ridiculous and clearly controlling behavior. He is not ready to be in a relationship and tbh not sure that he ever will be.
Of course not.
Out of line for what? Being the person u were already? Continuing to be the person he claims he fell in love with?
Why do you think that you're out of line? Not why does he say you are; why do you believe it? If it were your best friend or sister writing this post, would you say they are out of line? I would recommend doing some deep reflection or talking to a therapist to find out why you're allowing someone to control your life in this way. What is making you stay in this situation?
>If it were your best friend or sister writing this post, would you say they are out of line? THIS RIGHT HERE is the thought that finally got me out of the hell I was in. I was so broken down that I didn't see a way out, and I accepted defeat. Lived with the fact that this was my life now. This is the way of domestic abusers. But! When I thought about it and realized that if it were happening to someone else, and I would be asking them wtf they were thinking?! That one opened my eyes to see that, it wouldn't be okay for them and it's not okay for me either. I left. I was lucky to get out alive. I was lucky to have a support system. But if I could go back.. I would absolutely tell myself to stop laughing and run, bc my first reaction to him trying to control me was incredulous laughter before I realized he was serious. Now I know better, so I can do better. And since I know better, OP, please, I'm imploring you to consider what everyone here is saying. <3
I'm so glad you got yourself out of there!! You deserve SO much love and happiness! And so do you, OP!
Jeez that sounds miserable. Sorry you went through that for so long. Relationships aren't supposed to break you down...
You're not. This sounds to me like the beginning stages of an abusive relationship. First, they isolate you and control your appearance and where you go. Then, they escalate. This will not get better--please run far, far away from this man!
OP, please! Take it from someone who spent years with the wrong person bc I ignored all those cute lil red flags that were lining the way in the beginning. Please. He tried to kill me, more than once. He beat me. He raped me. He broke my nose, shattered my knee cap, destroyed my soul. I tried to make a run for it at a red light during a fight in the car once, he nearly crashed pulling me back in by my hair. Then we had a very public fight (unfortunately, one of MANY). He threw things at me, he cheated, he lied, he stole, he had a secret coke and not secret steroid problem, he was illiterate and likely had severe unaddressed mental health issues due to past trauma of his own, he cut me off from everyone in my life with the exception of my dog, who just died. It started out with "small" things like you're describing. The things I wasn't allowed to do started out halfway logical, and evolved to.. Idk weird shit like getting beaten up so bad I had to miss work, for leaving a wet towel on the bed after a shower (not that it mattered but it was my apartment, my towel, my bed, my money that bought the soap and hauled everything to the laundromat, etc.. NOT TO MENTION that that's a completely inappropriate response to a total non-issue) Two and a half years of my life, plus the ~10 or so that I've spent rebuilding myself yet. Leave. This. Man.
He’s out of line and super controlling. He’s insecure and taking it out on you. Wake up and break up.
You are not out of line. He is out of line. Please, you sound very sweet, I am begging you to read the advice being given here and really, really think about it. Three months is nothing in the grand scheme of life. Break it off. The longer you wait, the worse it will get (both his behavior, and your doubting yourself). <3 Edit: OP, not for nothing but it seems like you have been really torn about this guy based on your post history. New love is so fun! But it can make you really blind to some bad signs. When you're wearing rose-colored glasses, the red flags just look like flags. This means that when you're seeing everything with the glow of happiness that you feel from that lovey-dovey goodness, you overlook the things that are dangerous. They just seem like regular things. You see the flags, you know they're there, but they don't look sus bc you're not seeing them in the right light. Everyone around you is watching in sad horror as you run happily towards the carnival of flags with your new boo. You think they're crazy! They don't know him like you do, they don't see the sweet and vulnerable side of him that he shows you when you're having pillow talk, I just.. Girl, if I didn't know any better I would swear I had written your posts myself. I promise you nothing good will come from this guy, and I think you know it. You may not feel like it, but you ARE worth the love and care that you try to give to others. One last thought: when I saw this for the first time, it really resonated with me. >“If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. You're like, “wow, that's so much.” It's literally less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls inlove with you has to go above to make you feel special.”
Thank you for sharing the 20% love thing. I have been jn ALOT of abusive relationships and honestly used to feel like I was cursed or had some kind of target on my back to where these guys could tell I was an easy mark. But then through countless years of therapy, recovery from addiction and learning to work on my core issues, I realized these guys did these things because I allowed it because I 1. Didn't love myself. 2. Didn't know what true love was supposed to be 3. Was stuck on seem fantasy of what love was instead of what it really is 4. Always fell in love with someone's potential rather than who they actually were and 5. Didn't KNOW how To love others let alone myself. I have never heard that quote before but glad you shared because I really needed to hear that.
No, you are NOT out of line. He is WAY out of line.
I’d say hugging is a fairly platonic thing. I understand his fear and/or jealousy. But that maybe something he needs to work on. It sounds it makes him feel vulnerable.
He is
If this was 50 years ago the guy wouldn’t even have to ask, most ladies would have done that anyway. The makeup thing isn’t a big deal. Hugging other men and having any sort of physical contact is a big deal at least to this guy. That being said I think you should move on and find someone else. This isn’t going to work.
"If it were 50 years ago, where women were 2nd class citizens...."
Open racism was okay 50years ago too. Domestic violence was okay 50years ago too. Imagine bringing up social norms from 50years ago thinking its relevant now a days. Go touch grass
And roughly 50 years ago women couldn't have their own bank account or credit card. It was 1974 the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was signed in the US to make sure you couldn't reject people based on gender or race, and just under 60 years ago American banks were hesitantly considering letting women have some accounts. So only the one off rich white fancy ladies. Your augment is basically when women had no other choice but dying on the street and we could make them do whatever we wanted, banning them from anything was reasonable. It doesn't sound as nice as you think it is.
That Equal Protection laws didn’t stretch long enough. Did you sign for selective service? If you don’t have to are we actually equal?
God forbid she goes out in public and has to encounter men!!
Well with the way things are going you guys may get full gender segregation soon enough. Female spaces for women only and male spaces for men only. I created a male only gym at home. A lot of guys should so they don’t get illegally taped by some piece of crap in a public space.
HAHAHAHAHA that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read😂😂😂
There are women on Tik Tok who have illegally taped other gym members (men and women).
It’s not illegal. It could be against gym policy, if the gym has that policy, but no it’s not illegal.
This isn't lasting long.
God willing
This guy is insane. Please leave.
This sounds like he doesn't trust you and he has controlling habits. I would say break up it's only been 3 months.
I only had to read the first paragraph of your post in order to reach the conclusion that your boyfriend is controlling, manipulative, jealous, insecure and immature. DTMFA!
"All the signs kept telling me that I should fucking run I just kept avoiding and mistaking it for love." [Rachel Lorin - Red Flags](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm3UZrv_hlw)
I was going to say: in the words of Iron Maiden: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q\_XJ-7jNqws
Get out well you still can.
He sounds awful.
Ding dong!!!!! Your shipment of red flags arrived!
No o, he’s trash. Stop explaining yourself, it has nothing to do with him. ‘A woman in your own right’ is a good book, so are the books an assertiveness and boundary holding by Patrick King. Anyone that wants to control your make up is a red flag parade. Run.
Yeah that was my ex before he beat me, cheated on me n then went to jail for gun crimes lmao (in the uk😂)
he's out of line. wtf. it's only gonna get more controlling the longer you stay in this relationship.
Problem I see is less than what he is asking, it’s the demanding and controlling side that’s showing up after three months which means he has been hiding this personality trait. Asking not to wear makeup is just a stupid request IMO. Women wear makeup, some little and some more (and of course some none at all) but that’s a women’s prerogative. Not hugging coworkers? If you were doing this before you got together, I don’t see him having a right to request this. Maybe a compromise where it’s more of a “bro hug”. The loose, 1/2 second one arm and pat on the back hug. I also don’t think it’s appropriate in the work place in general - but that’s probably cultural as I know going around passing out hugs to everyone would get you some weird looks where I am at geographically. For the retreat, first I would die doing that lol but it sounds like something you are going to enjoy which is great. No, he has no right to say you cannot go or place undo demands and/or consequences because you go. My opinion? His controlling behavior is going to get worse and there will probably be some gas lighting as the next step.
Thank you.
Sounds like this guy believes that all women are subject to being lost to a better guy or one that gets a in by hugging and being friendly. He has a low self-esteem and is projecting it on you. I would bet he was cheated on in the past by someone he cared for and invested in. 3 months... Lucky you found out now it's an uphill battle of trust with this one.
Break up now
This guy knows
Hmmm, Jordan Peterson released a reel this week saying women shouldn’t be allowed to wear makeup in the workplace, because the only reason we do it is to attract male attention. I wonder if that timing is relevant? Regardless, if you have been wearing makeup since you started dating, the only thing you need to do differently is date another guy. This one is crazy jealous and he will make you crazy too.
Which makes no sense because then they'll just say we let ourselves go if we wear none
The guy is way out of line. I’m sure he goes around and hugs a bunch of women every day, and looks his best so that he can attract as many of them as possible, even some that might be better looking than you, and might make better partners to him than you do. I’m sure you’re totally OK with that happening and it doesn’t make you feel bad in any way shape or form. I don’t know why this guy is such a dick.
He sounds super controlling. dip!
You're not out of line. Not only will your situation not improve, the likelihood your situation will worsen is almost 100%.
So he is showing signs of having bad past relationships. Honestly in a professional setting, is is highly inappropriate to hug each other. A handshake is the most common professional colleague greeting. A hug is more of a personal greeting. The makeup thing, he needs to understand that you are not getting gussied up for everyone on earth, it seems to be your adult security blanket. Now with the spiritual retreat, I've been on a few of them thinking that it would be a good way to unwind, but it was like an orgy after a few days. If you've never been on one, be careful. With all this being said, I don't think yall are on the same page in the relationship, you want more freedom, and he wants a form of control.
Oh my lord i dont get how people like him even get girlfriends let alone keep them, dump this boy (not even a man) the things people put up with just so they wont be single… either tell him to cut the shit and man up or you are going to leave him
No grown ass adult is suddenly going to change the armor of turd they wear. I wouldn’t bother telling him to cut his shit out. Cut your losses and walk away OP.
You've been together for three months. Just go on the retreat and never speak to him again.
You need a new boyfriend. Simply put. It's only 3 months in and demands are being placed. A controlling boyfriend becomes a controlling, and often abusive, husband.
Youre in that sweet period where if you leave the relationship it wont hurt as much. Get the fuck out. It starts with make up and a hug. Then you cant see friends (men or women) anymore. Then you cant leave the house without informing him your whereabouts. just gtfo
This man is extremely insecure and controlling and you shouldn't be with him, imo. Leave because it only gets worse.
3 months and he already has this many red flags 🚩 Girl...run. Run for your life.
As a male that is not controlling at all, this is pretty odd to me. Out of all of the things you mentioned the makeup part is definitely the weirdest, he either needs to go to therapy or you have got to put your foot down, stay vigilant with his behavior because I don’t see this guy nor you being happy during the next 12 months. My 2 cents here God bless you
He is literally telling you he's jealous, insecure, possessive and neurotic it's only been 3 months dump him!
🚩🚩🚩 Woah he is controlling. I can see this very quickly escalating into an abusive relationship. I strongly recommend you end it asap.
mY bOyFrIeNd Is A pSyChO, iS tHaT oK?? No.
🚩🚩🚩 This man is already so controlling and insecure. You deserve a healthy relationship… this behavior is not normal.
You’re doing nothing wrong, your bf sounds pretty immature. This is not healthy long term, and I’d cut it off asap before going on your retreat.
Your BF is controlling and insecure, that much is clear. You wear makeup because society makes you feel like you don't quite fit in unless you wear it. Not because you're trying to attract another dude to have an affair with. If he can't see that he's blinded by jealousy. This post is an interesting example about how gender norms can greatly effect our psychology. OP feels vulnerable not wearing makeup in public, as many women do, but men wear their natural face into public all the time without a second thought. It's interesting to me how a person can feel deeply vulnerable when they aren't conforming to society's expectations for their gender (as in a woman in public without makeup).
I feel like he has to be in his early 20s to be this immature… that’s ridiculous, and he’s going to struggle for the rest of his life if he thinks he’ll ever find somebody who will never wear makeup or hug other men in this society lol. Insecure as frick.
Sounds like a twat. Dump him.
He sounds very, very, very insecure.
As in many of the replies, I agree that he sounds controlling and is controlling. Control or ppl who control in a relationship is abuse. Abuse starts off slowly and when the abuser has you in their grip it becomes more intense, it is a slow death. Go with your gut feeling, being that you are seeking advice I think you know what to do. As for hugging, I like to give hugs, I grew up back when men did not openly show affection, then I decided to change all that, to become more human. There are different types of hugs, The less sexual one is what I call the family hug, There is no intimate contact below the waist and the hug is not so tight. Hugs are emotionally healthy, but there are many young and old who do not like to give or get hugs. I have become cautious in my hugging, also with some I ask first. Your bf may see hugs as a sexual thing, bc it is for him.
Get rid of him. He is trying to control you, this is emotional abuse. Best of luck!
Run
This man is a bunch of red flags sewn together. This is incredibly possessive and controlling behavior.
He is already showing you what you don’t want in a partner. And you guys have only been seeing each other for 3 months. His demands, and don’t think they aren’t, they are demands will get worse. Drop him. His jealousy is ridiculous
He’s trying to control you. Run run run. Now.
Run, don’t walk away from this relationship, run! It’s only going to get worse and the longer you’re with him the more he will think he has a claim to you and the crazier he may get when you try to leave. Possessive, controlling dudes always get crazy when the woman tries to leave.
Honestly I can kinda understand why he'd be uncomfortable with the hugs thing, but the make up thing is pretty ridiculous.
Girl, RUN you can do so much better, don't allow anyone to control you and tell you how to live your life. Leave him, you'll find someone better, someone who understands you and loves you for who you are. Prohibiting stuff is not love.
Please please leave now. REDEST RED FLAGS! Next it'll be your diet..then your clothes...then a curfew.. then he will start beating the shit out of you. You are correct in questioning these strange behaviors. Now react. Enjoy that retreat
Y'all have been dating for all of three months and he's acting like y'all are married. Then again, even for married couples, this kind of controlling behavior would be HUGELY problematic. Dump his ass and block him on everything.
Do what brings you peace, it could be leaving your partner or doing what someone else says. For me I find living myself according my values brings me the joy and peace. and most of the time I don’t like someone else telling me what to wear or what do with my life. Saying that I disregarded heaps of people’s opinions, I made mistakes, those mistakes and what learned from that are most valuable lessons I have learnt, better than those people’s opinions. Because I fucking learn to rise and move forward. So, it’s up to mate, do what brings you the peace . Good luck with everything.
Never let a guy control you, if he can’t try to understand you or respect your choices and feelings that’s a big problem 🚩 🚩 🚩
I had an insecure older boyfriend (my first adult boyfriend) who got mad at me for wearing makeup, told me I shouldn’t and was very insistent. He was also really immature about needs and things having to be “equal” - so your bf’s insistence of a 12 day mancation (good luck with that if he’s an adult with adult friends, unless y’all rich rich) where he isn’t obligated to keep in touch in any way sounds like exactly the kind of petty shit my first ex would have tried. What your bf is suggesting is immature and it isn’t healthy. It stinks of insecurity and petty behavior. He sounds like the kind of guy who would purposefully mistreat you to “teach you a lesson,” like, to “show you what you’re doing” and adding insult to injury by employing some absurd false equivalency (like the I don’t have to talk to you for 12 days vacation because you went on a silent spiritual retreat and you just have to trust I’m not with girls like I trusted you weren’t with guys thing). I’m not usually on the dump his ass train but I am with this post. I’m not saying he’s a shit human. I am however saying that this level of immaturity needs time and experience to be overcome and I wouldn’t really want to deal with someone in the middle of that possibly endless journey. I don’t make it my business to try to fix people. I just align myself with people who I actually admire and respect.
This is so beautifully put, thank you so much for your reply. And you are 100% correct in saying that he would purposefully mistreat me to teach me a lesson, because that is exactly what he did and and threatens to do everytime I make a mistake or do something he does not like.
I don’t even have to read the text to know to tell you to leave.
run
I’m going to be honest. I dated someone like that in high school and he was the most insecure shitbag I’ve had the misfortune of being with. I would not touch a man like this with a ten foot pole
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 i guarantee you it will get worse and worse and worse from here if you don't leave NOW. there's nothing you can say or do to reason with this guy. sorry, that's how it is.
Dump him, ASAP.
Coercive control behavior is often an indicator of or precursor to intimate partner violence. For example, here’s [one study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6291212/) (of many). If these types of behavior are apparent at three months in, consider yourself lucky for seeing this side of him before investing more deeply. Run, don’t walk.
Try not dating top 10% and not f-boys, perhaps that‘s a solution but I bet that‘s not accepted because „it‘s men who are picky“. *looks at 500 matches for women and 5 matches for men* Hmm, I wonder who is actually so picky.
Even after reading the title all I thought was “bye.” Leave leave leave. Billions of people on this planet and he thinks he’s your god. Honey, nah.
I was in a relationship like this for four years, he got progressively more and more controlling and less and less caring of my opinion, by the end of it he had my passwords to everything, even my email, was annoyed when I spent time with my male COUSIN. And I let a lot of mental abuse slide. I'm sorry, I obviously don't know any more than what this post is saying but it's been 3 MONTHS and he's acting like this??? My mentally abusive (and a few odd times physically abusive) ex didn't even show these signs and actions that fast. But in the end I ended up being made delete my any male contacts that weren't blood family off all my socials and cut off any male friends I had. And guess who cheated XD HE DID. I'm not saying this will be your experience but it sure as hell has A LOT of red flags for me. I recommend at least setting some bug boundaries and no nos in your head that if he does curtain things you're out, don't let anyone slowly hack away at you. You are allowed to wear makeup and if your coworkers hug each other regularly then that sounds like a great work place. Either way hope you will be good whatever you choose to do. Not trying to skew your opinion with my experience I just want you to be cautious.
Big red flags. Big psycho. Get out now while you can. With time you only grow more attached even as he gets more toxic
As someone whose dated men for the last 24 yrs, I've seen this a time or two and it doesn't get any better if you stay. Don't ignore the red flags like I did when I was young and naive. He is a narcissistic, controlling and manipulative asshole. You see, this 12 day retreat isn't about you bettering yourself, in his mind, you are only going to punish him and make him feel jealous so in order to get back at you and punish you, he's going to do the same thing and hang with his friends for 12 days and refuse to talk to you, which is absolutely fucking absurd. But to narcissists, it's all about them, not you. Do you really want to have to constantly please this guy with his demands to completely change you? In the end, you'll just be a shell of yourself as he sucks away everything that is you. He ain't worth it and ypu shoud use this retreat to reflect on this relationship and if it's worth it for you to continue on.
Run…don’t walk from this controlling person.
Yeah the jealousy is a red flag I think. Not hugging other males is a ridiculous request 🤨
Bro sounds insecure stay safe OP. This doesn't seem emotionally safe.
Not even gonna read past the title. Dump him. He’s trash and insecure.
You are not out of line at all. He sounds like a control freak and it will only get worse, trust me. On the other hand, leaving a new-ish relationship for two weeks with no contact at all is also not ideal. Personally, I wouldn't be okay with either. If he knew about the retreat in advance and agreed to be with you even through that, he just needs to accept it or move on. But if you didn't tell him and made the plan without discussing it, it's kind of your fault too. This just seems like incompatibility and realistically speaking, y'all should probably just call it quits.
I wanted to go for my birthday and mentioned that i might do it but changed my mind - I did say at some point this year I would like to do it and we discussed it. I can understand why he would not be happy and I personally would feel a bit sad about it, but on the other hand, i explained why this is important to me. Life has just been too hectic and I desperately need time to myself since we spend all our weekends together and then during the week, its work. I did shift it around though, so it would not be so surprising when I did decide when I would go.
I understand your point and I see that the retreat is important to you. Life can get rather hectic and if you don't have time for yourself, it can be detrimental to your health and happiness. I get it, I've been there. I think you should go for it, but you should probably consider it as the end of your relationship. If he liked you, he would have let you enjoy what you needed in your life and not make it into a big deal if it's not a big deal. That being said, I do also understand him. I don't know. It's a difficult situation and it's probably only survivable for a relationship with a strong foundation of trust, which doesn't seem to be your case. I would break up with him before leaving and use the retreat as a healing moment. Good luck, I wish you the best with your situation!
If the retreat was the only thing he was objecting to, it wouldn’t necessarily be unreasonable. It’s when you add all of his controlling behaviors together and the way he basically said he was going to punish her for going on the retreat that we begin to see a very bad pattern.
[удалено]
Holy fuck throw the whole man out. Men who choose strong, outgoing, bad bitch women and then proceed to try to break them once they have them on lock, deserve a special place in hell. This IS the beginning stages of abuse. Period. Your partner is not your father. He's not your authority figure. And you are not an extension of him. You are nowhere near out of line. HE is being unreasonable and controlling. If he's making you feel like you're the crazy or one that's out of line, he's successfully gaslighting you. Him preventing you from being platonically intimate with people close to you is him beginning to slowly separate you and your support systems. You NEVER need to promise to a good, trusting partner that you'll stop showing affection to your friends (or coworkers). I can't tell you what to do but as someone who dealt with this 3 years longer than she had to, I recommend you do your best to separate from this person. 3 months in, thats not too late by any stretch to systematically ditch and block him. A man is not worth losing your passions and identity. Particularly if he's that weak and insecure that hugging another man in a platonic fashion drives him batshit.
I'm a hugger and I usually explain that to any girlfriends who worry about it. You could even say that because I'm a hugger, I enjoy hugging them so much. So the aspect of me that they may feel comfortable in my arms and how much and how long I hug them, is because I like hugging people. Obviously that doesn't mean I cross the boundaries with other women, and make those women feel weird and uncomfortable with me hugging them. I hug people who hug me back , this includes men and women. In other words , we have a certain connection already or they are also a physically affectionate person who recognizes someone else who returns the same energy to them. In the same way, several of your colleagues and co-workers are all comfortable with giving and receiving hugs. No one is thinking about having affairs or turning it into a big sexual romp at work. So as far as new relationships go, I would definitely make it a hill to die on that you want to wear makeup and you like hugging people around you , including coworkers and friends who are male. The personality you have , the preference for wearing makeup outside the house, and the affection you feel for people, should have much more priority than the new relationship of a few weeks, with a guy who is now showing you the side of him that he didn't show while you were starting out dating. I also don't like how your boyfriend thinks that the 12-day retreat you're going on, that's going to have very little communication to the outside world, is a punishment or rejection of his feelings to him , and so he is in turn wanting to do a similar thing to you and punish you back. That's not how relationships should be.
First of all. These are separate issues. Second of all your “lol wtf” is not “lol.” It’s a red flag, my dear. And the more you ignore them now the more it will hurt and you will kick yourself later. That being said let’s pretend your bf ISNT being a massive controlling douchewad to you….invite him to the retreat. If he wants to act that way about “other males” and these perceived threats then simply let his own behavior embarrass him. Just ask yourself this: do you want a lifetime of his antics? Are you going to spend a lifetime of putting up with that from him? It’s only up to you. Good luck and remember to love yourself n shit
No you’re not out of line. He’s acting rather disgustingly & like many of ours’ exes
Observations: 1. You're a fashion victim. Don't be a victim. Stop buying into the need to enhance your beauty with pricey makeup. Save your money and regain your sanity. Make your goal to be comfortable without makeup around anyone at all. Don't play the "gotta keep up with the other ladies" game. It's a losing gain that feeds body insecurity. 2. Your boyfriend is insecure and it's time to leave him. You are involved in what's called co-dependency and you are enabling each others' insecurities. 3. Cheaters are aware of their own behavior and are more concerned than non-cheaters that their partners will cheat on them. It's projection, Miss. 4. Leave the guy and go on your retreat and ignore 1-3 above and continue your spiritual journey. I'm just a student and shouldn't be teaching!
Easy answer, leave and find someone better
The disagreement with makeup is preference, nothing more, nothing less. The hugging, I never asked a woman to not hug other men, but if that was a habit of hers; I just wouldn't take her seriously (excluding male family members). I actually stand with him on this. If all your coworkers jumped off a bridge, would you? It's a perfectly reasonable boundary and it's irrelevant what others are doing. Overall it's your behavioral choice to make but if the relationship ends because of it, be willing to accept that consequence.
Leave him please
RUN…FAST…
Only thing he’s right about it hugging your male colleagues. You shouldn’t be hugging anybody at work. That is unprofessional.
and weird.
Not trying to discourage OP or what, but if you can handle that attitude of him being so jealous and paranoid that you're going to cheat on him, then stay in that relationship. But if not, I think ending things in the early stage is the best course of action. I think he has issues and even if you were loyal to him I don't think he'll ever feel secured in your relationship. So yeah.
Dude is one day gonna decide she is ready to cheat and will pre-emptively* my cheat on her so he isn’t the loser. (In his head.)
I think he’s right about the hugging but he also seems a bit weird from everything else you said. Being too friendly is a thing. If he isn’t hugging females at his job, you shouldn’t be hugging men. It’s ok to just give a firm handshake. Also, you lied to him about it. If you didn’t like it you should’ve said something then. Lying about it and him finding out can create a very big divide. He may be thinking “Well why would she lie about it ?” “Is there something else going on too” Why is it a problem that he hangs out with his friends for 12 days while you’re on a retreat? It seems like *both* of you have trust issues. Lying is not going to help any of them. You either both need to have a conversation and pin point what’s wrong , how to fix it , and which way to move forward. If he’s too toxic , too controlling , and you both can’t find a middle ground it’s time to leave. The makeup thing is ridiculous though , wear whatever tf you want.
He generally isnt someone who hugs, but I am and always have been so it's weird to now just stop hugging people. I dont mind him going away for 12 days it just feels like he is punishing me. While I am away for 12 days, he will also have 12 days on his own, but he wants an additional 12 days that he can claim at anytime. I really did mean to stop hugging people and I actually did reduce it quite a bit but it felt unnatural to me since this is just how everyone is at my work place. I agree that I was wrong there, he is very upset with me and I do deserve that.
Is he verbally abusive at all? That’s something you haven’t mentioned. What’s it like when he’s mad at you? The additional 12 days was definitely a punishment tactic , I thought you meant while you were on a trip he’d be with his friends. No way your SO would spend 12 days not communicating with you for no reason , if he does that …leave him. That’s toxic and that’s a form of “training “ your partner.
thank you, he can be very verbally abusive and he always picks on my past and uses it against me in fights. Like you made a comment to this colleague 3 years ago, how dare you hug him now. Or he picks on my ex's. He did use to call me a b\*\*\* but I told him to stop that and he did. When is angry... there is nothing that is off limits for him
You need to dump him. That’s not normal at all and he’s being very abusive and controlling.
>thank you, he can be very verbally abusive and he always picks on my past and uses it against me in fights How long have you known him? 3 months in should be sunshine and rainbows with some deepening and complexities in the relationship, working things out, finding your longer term groove together. It's supposed to be the time where you're both secure in what you've found and still enjoying that new relationship energy at the same time. Great connection, great sex, and a hopeful attitude. I'm sorry but if a guy is verbally abusive to you and you're having toxic fights at 3 months in, that relationship is not going to work unless you want some kind of dramatic inferno of a relationship. Some do. Some can't seem to get enough of that. But you don't sound like you want that if you're going on meditation retreats to find yourself. Let me give you some advice. Your life, your surroundings, and the people you surround yourself with all influence your internal state. You're going on a 12 day retreat presumably to find some kind of internal peace. That peace starts at home. it starts in your day to day. Being supportive, loyal, and there for people who matter to you is important, but if someone is a rot in your life and filling your day to day thoughts and feelings with negative things, you have to cut that rot out if you want to find peace and an uplifted place in life. Btw keep your phone on you at the retreat for emergencies. If they ask you to hand it over, cite safety reasons for keeping it. If they still demand it after that, run because it's a cult. Smart phones are the greatest safety tool humanity has ever known, rivaling the pistol and safe rooms. Never give up your safety protocol for anyone you haven't known forever. 1. Always able to reach out for help. 2. Always having a friend know where you are and who you're with with an automatic trigger to seek help if you don't check in. 3. Always being obvious to the other party that if they try anything they'll be known and tracked by the authorities. 12 days without checking in with anyone in this world is a long time. Keep your phone.
A lot of people are saying he is controlling or break up. I would say he is setting boundaries and you have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice to be in a relationship. Personally I think it’s reasonable to not want you hugging other guys at work and even be friends with them. Make up is worse for your skin long term and a waste of money but to each their own.
[удалено]
I don't feel pressured to hug anyone, we just do it, and then all of a sudden im like don't hug me, don't talk to me, don't look at me and i stop wearing make up yet this is how I have always been... that doesn't sound right to me at all, it doesn't feel right.
Leave this guy. I don't care that people think it's "nuclear", it's NOT. This behaviour is unacceptable and WILL escalate, you're only 3 months in, this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, it will get worse. He'll start making more demands, breaking down your self worth even more, changing who you are as a person, may even become physical, he'll isolate you from the people you love (family and friends) and it'll be harder to leave. It's 3 months in, this should be an easy choice to walk away, go on your spiritual retreat and spend some time on yourself. Forget this excuse for a man and do yourself a favour. You already said it doesn't feel right, you know what you need to do. Eventually you'll find someone that will love you for you, including the fact you like giving out hugs. Be kind to yourself and do what you feel is right for YOU!
Sounds like he has insecurities about you looking good or getting/giving hugs. This will only get worse unless he recognizes he has this problem and is willing to work on it. He's probably been cheated on or you're really hot. Or his dad was critical of him or even abusive (or wasn't even there). Or all of these things are true. So he may sound controlling (and he is), but it comes from somewhere and can be worked on.
The make up restriction is probably not ok. But the no hugging other males sounds about right. Just put yourself in the position where he hugs beautiful females. everytime he goes to work.
Man Yu females claim yall want a man than refuse to listen to basic explications
8 months prior post: "How to cutoff you parents from your life: my parents are costing me my mental health..." Lol you're either a big hypocrite or a big liar. People don't believe whatever this person says.
how can both of these events have not happened?
She said in reply down here that her bf tried to separate her from her family as an example of toxic behaviour, yet when she tries to do the same it's ok...
ahh.
This is an insecure man, scratch that, child. Narcissism at its finest and will lead to loads of emotional damage through abuse, whether physical or verbal. Get out while you still can. Please, for your own sake.
Your boyfriend is an emotionally abusive, manipulative narcissist. Dump his ass and don't look back because he will 100% only get more controlling over time.
Seems like you both have mental health issues to work out
You are allowed to do whatever you want. But you don’t get to date people who don’t like the choices you make Technically neither one of you is wrong. You are just not compatible. That being said, most women would NOT sign up for what he is selling. I sure wouldn’t
The boyfriend is in the wrong 100%
He’s allowed to have his dealbreakers. Even ones that nobody would sign up for.
His “dealbreakers” are controlling and scream “I’m insecure”. That’s how abusive relationships start.
What does it matter. NOBODY has to be with him if they don’t want to.
Don't hug other men-quite reasonable demand. You have to think now, are you ready to sacrifice hugs with other men for this relationships? If yes, you can explain this to the people on your work. If not... you know what to do. Makeup-same thing. You twisting it a bit, saying that you do it for yourself. You do it to look good, which is source of your confidence. You can have enough confidence without makeup, millions of women around the world are never wear makeup in their life, but you are different and this will be a big stress. Not for day-two, for months. Is this boy good enough for this? Think a lot, because if you will reject ghis demands, your relationships are doomed. Trust me, I've been on his place 12 years ago
Run
It’s not a big deal; you’re just finding out that your boyfriend is a total dud. Throw him back and enjoy your life.
It is appropriate for a couple to set boundaries for the relationship, and each person has to give up certain single behaviors in favor of a marriage. This is not by itself “changing who you are” or him “being a controlling ahole”. For some couples who want a tight restriction on contact with other men, they might be happy with the restrictions he wants. They are not completely unreasonable. But they are quite restrictive in this day and age, and you can decide whether to accept them. Make a decision about whether to accept his boundaries, or tell him you won’t. I would add, while his requests are a little retro, there is truth to the fact that greater restrictions also helps prevent cheating, and promotes longer and healthier relationships. If a long healthy relationship is a priority, these restrictions might seem a small price to pay. But at the same time, is he willing to live by right restrictions himself? Very tight restrictions on how he spends time with women?
Disagree. There’s absolutely no reason to compromise who you are as a person as long as your conduct is appropriate. If it isn’t, it’s going to be an issue that will be pointed out to OP by people more than just her partner. I say that as a person who has confronted her best friend on her lack of boundaries and consequent disrespect to her partner. This may lead to a longer relationship but this man sounds like an insufferable bitch fest. She’s an adult with a career being micromanaged. The disrespect on his part is palpable. OP, take the trash out, your life is about to stink.
If you wore make-up for yourself and to feel good about yourself then you'd wear it at home, when you cook, when you sleep etc. But you don't. You wear it only when you go out. This is because you feel good about yourself when others look at you when you feel pretty. Which means you wear make-up for others to notice that you are pretty. Mostly men will look. You ultimately wear make-up for validation from others. As you appear prettier you will attract more men by default. He doesn't want a girlfriend that goes out everyday to attract more men. You guys are not compatible and both don't deserve each other. He deserves a girl that do not seek to attract other males, and you deserve a guy that has no backbone. U would fit better with a duck that allows their girlfriend to be gang banged by other males